Yu-gi-oh Dude Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 I wrote this some time ago, hadnt looked at it in a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, i give you... The Adventures of Spark and Torch! Where am I? what happened to me? Why do I feel different? Spark stood up from the floor. He was on four legs! “That’s weird!” thought Spark. Suddenly a shadowy figure moved almost ghost-like through the strange mist that had arose from somewhere. “Hey, are you alright!” shouted the figure. “Yes, thanks!” Spark replied. The figure came into view- it was a Chimchar! “Hey, my name is Torch!” said the Chimchar. “My name is Spark… why aren’t you saying I look weird?” replied Spark. “I don’t know what you mean; you look like a normal Shinx…” “Ok, Treasure Town, now!” said Torch with enthusiasm, “Better get you cleaned up” he then whispered. “Treas…Treas…what?” thought Spark. They had walked for about 20 minutes before reaching the border leading into town. Suddenly, WHAMM! An unknown Pokemon leapt from the sky and pinned Spark to the ground! “Intruder, intruder!” the Pokemon screeched. “Hey, calm down Croagunk!” shouted Torch after the earsplitting commotion had subsided, “This is Spark, a Shinx who claims he is human…” Spark, who was now untrusting of Torch because of what happened with Croagunk, dusted himself off. He snarled. Then Torch explained that Croagunk was a bit restless and hyper… “A BIT! HE ALMOST KILLS ME AND YOU SAY A BIT!” cut in Spark angrily… after he caught a viral contamination called Pokerus and they, after minute after minute of Spark throtolling (well trying to) Croagunk then finally left. “I need to find out what is happening, first me being a Pokemon, next the mist and finally this Pokerus illness Torch was talking about, and fast!” thought Spark. “Now, the reason I brought you here… …there are a group of Legendary Pokemon who are bringing down both of our worlds, These are: Dialga, almighty d…d…deity of Time, Palkia, powerful deity of Sp… sp…space, Giratina, feared K…k…king of Distortion and Arceus, the sc..sc..scary Shape-shifter of Darkness!” Torch said in a ‘stuttery-scaredy cat’ kind of voice, “Theres no use… we cant do it just, a feeble Chimchar and Shinx!” he then sobbed. Then the king of Treasure Town, the mighty Garchomp then said calmly “You may not, Torch, but Infernape and Luxray can do it! I know you can!” Torch smiled “Thanks Garchomp! But wait… who are Infernape and Luxray” he questioned… Thats all ive written... Tell me what you think! NOW ACCEPTING HELP WRITING! Write a mini-saga here(50 words):Why would you like to help write?:Do you have any ideas to add to the story?: Send the app to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rucario Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Cool. Will you be making more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EnkoMaun Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 interesting. I'll follow this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yu-gi-oh Dude Posted July 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 1.Well it was for school homework, but yes, i might make more.2.Thanks! If you want to help write please send a request. App for help writing Write a mini-saga here(50 words):Why would you like to help write?:Do you have any ideas to add to the story?: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hm, so far this has positive comments. It's also a story that looks bad at first glance. Let's dive into it, shall we?I wrote this some time ago' date=' hadnt looked at it in a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, i give you...Already, you've forgotten how to spell 'hadn't'. And 'I' looks like this, not 'i'. How come you don't know how to use 'I' correctly?! Seriously! The Adventures of Spark and Torch!Dumb names? Oh gosh, this is gonna suck. GIVE THEM BETTER NAMES, LIKE JACOB, JALLES, RONO, BOB, ANYTHING!! It doesn't even have to be a human name/made-up name, but don't give them names that AUTOMATICALLY tell us what they do. Oh, he's Spark, so he uses electricity! Cool! Torch uses fire, right? Yeah! Where am I? what happened to me? Why do I feel different? Spark stood up from the floor. He was on four legs! “That’s weird!” thought Spark. Suddenly a shadowy figure moved almost ghost-like through the strange mist that had arose from somewhere. “Hey, are you alright!” shouted the figure. “Yes, thanks!” Spark replied. The figure came into view- it was a Chimchar! “Hey, my name is Torch!” said the Chimchar. “My name is Spark… why aren’t you saying I look weird?” replied Spark. “I don’t know what you mean; you look like a normal Shinx…”PLEASE use italics for thoughts. And this is a Mystery DUngeon story? They ALL SUCK. They always follow the same type of plot OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Some dude wakes up and becomes a pokemon for no reason/is a pokemon. They're in a club that solves problems. Very GENERIC PROBLEMS. If you can't do anything outside the box, the story shall go nowhere. Please use cool storylines here. Now onto what you said. A guy has four legs and he says 'Four legs? Well THAT'S weird.' Why isn't he scared about this? I sure would if I suddenly grew more legs! But for him, it's like this happens every other day!! And what's up with the name? Was that ALWAYS his name? WHat kind of cruel parent would name a kid Spark? Oh yeah, SPEED Racer's parents. Where exactly is the kid? In a random fog. On a beach? A forest? A skyscraper? Michigan? WHERE IS SPARK?! And the guy who finds him!! When a new guy talks, you give them a new paragraph."Wow," Spark gasped, "I gots sum' more legs!" Suddenly, in the mists of Michigan, a stranger with no description approached him."Hey, are you alright!!" the guy 'asked'.Also, he used a '!' instead of a '?'. So he was yelling at him instead of asking him something. I hate this guy. Describe the Chimchar! Describe the Shinx! And make them more random pokemon! I'm tired of seeing the same pokemon being used over and over again! Make Torch a Murkrow named 'Brian' and make Spark a Larvitar named 'Jalles'! Pronounced 'Jay-elles'. Also, Spark is an idiot. What's odd about being a four-legged... you never described the Shinx... a four-legged thing with a... um, Chimchar? What's that supposed to mean(keep in mind I'm pretending not to know what a pokemon is)?! The worst part is that I've already almost typed more complaints than your entire chapter!! It's too short! “Ok, Treasure Town, now!” said Torch with enthusiasm, “Better get you cleaned up” he then whispered. “Treas…Treas…what?” thought Spark. They had walked for about 20 minutes before reaching the border leading into town. Suddenly, WHAMM! An unknown Pokemon leapt from the sky and pinned Spark to the ground! “Intruder, intruder!” the Pokemon screeched. “Hey, calm down Croagunk!” shouted Torch after the earsplitting commotion had subsided, “This is Spark, a Shinx who claims he is human…”What's with the pacing?! So far...A dude turns into a four leg thing. Then a chimp appears and takes hi to Treasure Town for no reason!! Dude, SLOW THE HELL DOWN!! You have no conversations, making the poor kid get forced to go to a town for no reason while some chimp gives no eplanation about any of this crap! What did they pass? Why did they go silently? Why didn't Spark have a cool 'WTF HAPPENED TO MEEEE?!' sequence? And what does the town look like? A cowboy town(WildWestBobreference)? What did the pokemon look like in the mist? They just call it a Croagunk, so it's a freaky gunk monster. Ew. You give no description of anything, so we get the bare minimum of stuffs happening around us. Spark, who was now untrusting of Torch because of what happened with Croagunk, dusted himself off. He snarled. Then Torch explained that Croagunk was a bit restless and hyper… “A BIT! HE ALMOST KILLS ME AND YOU SAY A BIT!” cut in Spark angrily… after he caught a viral contamination called Pokerus and they, after minute after minute of Spark throtolling (well trying to) Croagunk then finally left. “I need to find out what is happening, first me being a Pokemon, next the mist and finally this Pokerus illness Torch was talking about, and fast!” thought Spark. “Now, the reason I brought you here…You can't dust yourself off without arms. And why would he blame the chimp for the gunk-monster attack?! JERKFACE ALERT!! And why doesn't chimpy say what you imply? That's just laziness. Stop being lazy. Plus you cut out the ENTIRE CONVERSATION LAYING THE BASE FOR THE SERIES. Pokerus? What's that? It's an illness... yeah, that's it. THAT'S ALL WE KNOW. You also say it like Spark gets sick and THEN yells, THEN leaves... why does he get sick so fast? I don't understand it!! And what's 'throtolling'?! What's wrong with the mist? How does Spark intend to find out about everything? WHY IS THIS SUCH A STUPID STORY?! …there are a group of Legendary Pokemon who are bringing down both of our worlds, These are: Dialga, almighty d…d…deity of Time, Palkia, powerful deity of Sp… sp…space, Giratina, feared K…k…king of Distortion and Arceus, the sc..sc..scary Shape-shifter of Darkness!” Torch said in a ‘stuttery-scaredy cat’ kind of voice, “Theres no use… we cant do it just, a feeble Chimchar and Shinx!” he then sobbed. Then the king of Treasure Town, the mighty Garchomp then said calmly “You may not, Torch, but Infernape and Luxray can do it! I know you can!” Torch smiled “Thanks Garchomp! But wait… who are Infernape and Luxray” he questioned…There IS a group, you mean, not ARE. Why did he have to do that annoying stuttering? Why are these guys trying to kill everybody? Who's telling these greenhorns to kill these huge dudes? WHy can't the world band together to kill them? How can a town have a king? IT'S A MAYOR. Where did he come from anyways? His explanation barely helps. Two common evolutions can kill these gyus. YEAH, RIGHT. This is so stupid. AND YOU STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESCRIPTION HERE. WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?! Thats all ive written... Tell me what you think! NOW ACCEPTING HELP WRITING! Write a mini-saga here(50 words):Why would you like to help write?:Do you have any ideas to add to the story?: Send the app to me! Really, you have no description and HALF OF A PLOT HERE. Your story is too short to make sense. You described nothing and made nothing life-like. It's just some guys walking then getting attacked(with no sorrys, just so you know), then being told to kill four legends!! This is stupid. This thing should be five times longer. Describe everything and think more about this thing before saying 'HERE IT IS LOVE IT!!'. I don't like it. THE END. FIX IT!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yu-gi-oh Dude Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Well excuse me but my English teacher says my writing surpasses the year 11 students, so in your face! And i would appreciate it if you had anything good to say. I was aiming this story for people around my age. BTW throttoling is strangeling basiclly. And i havent finished if you havent seen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 1.Well excuse me but my English teacher says my writing surpasses the year 11 students' date=' 2.so in your face! 3.And i would appreciate it if you had anything good to say. 4.I was aiming this story for people around my age. 5.BTW throttoling is strangeling basiclly. 6.And i havent finished if you havent seen! 1. Year eleven, or eleven year-old? The way you said it was very unclear.2. So? I could write something with DESCRIPTION when I was 11. And my sister, 12 years old, has been an awesome writer for the past THREE years. Who else could write The Pink Army and co-write Wild West Bob? So get over yourself, you're not the only 'prodigy', since somebody will always be better than you AND my sister.3. 'i' would if you had anything good to WRITE. If this story was old, then you revise it first. If you did, that's great, but it still fails so hard. Whenever I write a review, I use humor to get people to pay attention and I always tell the truth. You gave no description and a lazy plot. Please work on it AGAIN, this time with two times the effort. It shall be two times as good and I know you can do it.4. My sister looks at stories like this and laughs at their vagueness. It's been tested.5. It's spelled 'throttling'! I litterally just spell-checked what you just typed! How come YOU couldn't? Of COURSE nobody knows what it is since it's spelled so horribly! I was so stumped by that word that I had to stop reviewing for a minute and ask myself, 'what the heck does he mean?!' But thanks for answering a question like an adult.6. If it's not finished, then FINISH IT BEFORE POSTING IT!! WHO POSTS HALF OF A CHAPTER AT A TIME?! I've just learned about your maturity here, as you can't take criticisms. Most people do the same thing, showing how baby-ish they are. A REAL mature-guy-dude would either laugh it off(AKA ignoring, which is still immature most of the time), or they just tackle it professionally without overreacting and addressing every problem they had with your work. And alas, I guess we'll never know why you chose not to describe anything at all. OH WELL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 I laugh at your poor description and thin plot. This is the type of story that NEEDS slowdown and development to succeed. For good Pokemon descriptions, try reading my Pink Army story, or perhaps my Trainer fic, or even looking at some of the best stories on YCM, which would be the ones that Weather Report DIDN'T report, most of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Awww man!I was gonna do this!Also, PMMD2 fails un-epicly.This story is fail. And no, it's not epic.Trust me, my sister makes a better RP post than this.And she's not even year 11.Also, IN YOUR FACE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rucario Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Weather Reporting is scary and it's RARELY not scary. And it's usually in Red although I was lucky to not have Red. And I just have a habit of capitalizing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AfterBurner™ Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 btw i'm in year ten and myself and most of my english class write year 11 stuff since we are in the top set (it's basic but still kinda tricky to do) what year are you in? i'm sure my english teacher would laugh at me if i handed some homework about pokemon!! i would write at this level when i was in year six or the start of year seven. Your english teahcer must either be either A. a bad teacher B. blindC. a pokemon loverand i would go for A and B on this occasion and why wouldn't a chimchar and a shinx know thier own evolutions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zektor Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 ive done better a couple of times and im 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 ive done better a couple of times and im 10 That's debatable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AfterBurner™ Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 ive done better a couple of times and im 10 i think thats false actually, sorri it just doesn't seem that true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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