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JOKES


Charming Leo

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Better Nate then lever.

 

Lmfao. -_-

 

It's a joke from Crab Helmet, so cross the smiley out.

 

 

 

-What's the difference between duck?

 

-What's the sound of one hand clapping?

 

-Nucular. It's nucular!

 

-Soap, soap? What is soap?

 

-"Ghost!" "Ghost!" "Ghost!" "Toast!" "Ghost!"

 

-you. suck.

 

-hehe.hehehe.hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. pie.

 

-spamspamspamspamspam. It's still a joke, isn't it?

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds.

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really p****d.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

=3

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[spoiler=PG-16+ Only]

For a long time, many of us have wondered who exactly Jack Schitt is.

 

We find ourselves at a loss when somebody says that you don't know Jack Schitt.

 

Thanks to genealogy, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

Awe Schitt is the fertilizer magnate married to O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

 

They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

 

The deeply religious couple produced six children:

 

Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against their parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

 

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

 

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childreen and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were DawgByrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now, when somebody says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

 

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[spoiler=PG-16+ Only]

For a long time' date=' many of us have wondered who exactly Jack Schitt is.

 

We find ourselves at a loss when somebody says that you don't know Jack Schitt.

 

Thanks to genealogy, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

[hr']

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

Awe Schitt is the fertilizer magnate married to O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

 

They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

 

The deeply religious couple produced six children:

 

Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against their parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

 

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

 

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childreen and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were DawgByrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now, when somebody says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

 

 

lol@incest.

 

[spoiler=17+]

So there was a bestialist, a sadist, an arsonist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist sitting around a table in prison. Due to a legal loophole, they were all to be released the next day. The bestialist says, "Guys, in celebration of us all getting out of jail...I think we should find a cat, and funk it."

 

The sadist nods his head in agreement and adds, "I like the way you think, but I'll do you one better: let's find a cat, funk it, and then torture it!"

 

The arsonist, not to be outdone says, "No, no, lets funk it, torture it, and then set it on fire!"

 

"I like where this is going," commented the murderer, "But I think we should funk it, torture it, set it on fire, and then kill it!"

 

"I've got an idea to top all of that!" proclaimed the necrophiliac, "We're going to get a cat, funk it, torture it, set it on fire, kill it.....and then funk it again!"

 

The masochist simply turns and looks at all of them and says, "meow."

 

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What kinda bait d'you catch a fish with?

"Fish bait".

A cat?

"Cat bait."

A deer?

"Deer bait."

A shark?

"Shark bait".

A bear?

"Bear bait".

A dragon?

"Dragon bait".

An Eye Master?

"I masturbate."

So...old.

 

[spoiler=PG-14]

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

 

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

 

"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

 

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