Yugioh: We Who Are About To Duel...Turn Five Posted!

[Yankee]

Yahoo..now..:D

[Yankee]

[spoiler=Turn Five: A New World]

The next morning began quietly. As the sun began to rise, pushing back the dark, some students awoke to see a beautiful morning. Looking out the window of her upstairs, Obelisk dorm room, Jane Saga smiled at the sight of the reflection of the sun off of the ocean water. The orange aura around the sun seemed to make rainbows appear in the water, and made the beach sand bright, and golden. There was not even a cloud in the sky. It was a perfect morning. The seagulls where starting to wake up from their sleep, and began to ascend to the skies. Their squawks and calls added some variety and fun to the morning. Jane had been watching this with a smile, while brushing her long, still wet from a shower, brown hair. She was already dressed in a white top, and a short, dark blue skirt. She put some makeup on to counter her pale skin, and took one more moment to look at the morning sky. She looked down toward the ocean, and for some reason, that she probably didn’t even know at the time, she looked down at the Slifer dorms.

She stared for a moment, at nothing really, when something caught he eye. Sitting alone on a bench in front of the dorm was a black haired student, dressed in black jeans, and of course, a Slifer Red coat. She immediately seemed to know who she was looking at. The superstar himself, Alex Davis. They had talked a few nights ago, while she was sitting on a similar bench. She leaned against her window, and looked down at Alex. Something about this boy, she thought, wasn’t right. She couldn’t figure out what exactly, but she knew something wasn’t right. She moved passed this thought quickly, however, probably just over thinking. She turned, and walked toward her door. Looking back one more time, she smiled. “It’s a beautiful morning.”

Alex had woken up early that morning, and brought himself outside for a tour of the school. Sure, Bellphron had taken the students on a tour earlier, but it was not quite as in depth as he would prefer. That guy is probably nothing but a jokester anyway. As he continued his tour, he eventually became tired. He found his way back to the Slifer dorm, but didn’t want to disturb anybody by going in, so he sat down on a bench. He had been there for about an hour when the sun began to rise. He watched the sun rise, bathing in its golden rays, feeling the warmth creep up his body. He closed his eyes, and let the warmth of the sun overtake him. Today was the first day of classes, and for most, the first day of hell. He leaned forward, covering his left eye with his hand. He smiled lightly and whispered, “Good morning.”

At that moment, he felt a shiver down his spine. A feeling came over him, a feeling of coldness, and emotionless ness. What can only be described as a dark, black, smoke, began to find its way through any spaces uncovered by Alex’s hand. Just then, Alex looked up for reasons he didn’t know, at the Obelisk dorm. Maybe it was the feeling of being watched, or maybe he being told to, but Alex quickly focused on a specific dorm. He saw Jane Saga, long brown hair and all, staring right back at him. He smiled again, and brought his hand down from his eye. “I guess now isn’t the time..” He put his head back down, and kept smiling. “That girl…She’s going to get what’s coming to here some time soon.”

 

The sun was now fully out, shining brightly. The still dew covered leaves of the trees glowed in the warmth of the titan in the sky. The ocean winds where blowing the rainbows of flowers throughout the various gardens on the school grounds. They swayed lightly, releasing a sweet scent into the air. Birds flying overhead where attracted to the beautiful aroma of the flowers, and the promise of insects to eat. The insects, of course, were blissfully unaware of the danger they where in as they continued to eat their breakfast of flowers. The calm moment was rudely interrupted. With a overdone yawn, Leon Matthews slapped Alex on the back, obviously surprising Alex, who jumped forward from the bench.

“Well good morning creepy guy!”

Alex smiled, “Leon’s getting started early today,” he thought to himself

“So now I’m creepy?”

“Of course! Walks at night, going to bed late, getting up early. Ya know, your typical creeper stuff.”

Alex couldn’t help but laugh, “Sure, I guess I’m a creeper. That means a lot coming from a womanizer like you, doesn’t it?”

Leon smiled brightly, apparently amused by this comment

“I’m the hunter, and they’re the game”

“Not a very good hunter, are you?”

Leon looked shocked, in a joking way, of course

“Why, I’m hurt! You’re going to deny my obvious talents! I’m just ‘reviewing’ them now. Don’t worry, the ladies will have enough love to go around.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about, Leon.”

The two laughed, and joked with each other for the next few minutes, before realizing it was almost time to go to class. The two went their separate ways, again, as Alex made his way back to the Slifer class.

 

Class was boring, as was expected. Being a Slifer student didn’t make it any better. Being as “low” as they where, Slifer students where required to sit through lessons in which Alex frankly could care less for, as he already knew about these things. That sore loser of an exam teacher was the whole reason he was here. Oh well, what could he do? He just put up with the lessons, and waited until the class was finally over. It couldn’t end fast enough.

Class finally ended, no surprising lessons, no class clowns, just a few wrong answers, which annoyed Alex. Oh well. The classroom was emptying fast, as the other students had the same thought as Alex, “Get me the heck out of here.” Alex was taking his time leaving the classroom; he really didn’t have anything else to do for the day, no reason to really hurry. He picked up his things, and walked through the door. As he stepped out, he felt a tug on his arm. He looked at his arm. Another arm had grabbed him. The arm was dressed in a white sleeve. As his eyes traveled down the arm, and to the body, and eventually to the face of this person, Alex noticed this guy had a strange love of white. The suit he was wearing what white, along with his smooth, white, hair that was covering his eyes.

“Alex Davis?” the man asked in a smooth, but threatening voice

“Yes, who’s asking?”

“You’re coming with me.”

The response shocked Alex; what did this man want with him?

“And if I say no?”

“You don’t have a choice.”

At that moment, Alex felt a sharp pain in his stomach. He looked down, and saw the man’s fist against his stomach. He looked up as his vision began to blur, and saw the smiling face of the man, then fell to the ground.

 

Alex opened his eyes; still not quite sure about what just happened. He had just left class, and then…He looked around, and quickly realized that he had missed the entire day, as it was dark, and the moon was the only dim light around. He sat up, and felt a pain in his stomach again. “That’s right…That man punched me.” He made his way to his feet, and looked around once again. He was surrounded by trees and bushes; he was in a the woods, or some sort of forest, from the best he could tell at least.

“Well, well, welcome back. I’m glad you’re awake. I was actually starting to worry.”

Alex looked around frantically for the source of the voice. He found it behind him, in the form of the man that had punched him hours earlier. Alex turned angrily toward the man.

“Who are you? Why did you bring me here!?”

“Oh come now, you know how these things work. The ‘bad’ guy takes the person, and hides them somewhere where nobody will find them.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t swing that way, buddy.”

“Oh, such a mind on you child. Come now, don’t be so aggressive.”

“You punched me, what else am I supposed to be?”

“If you had simply come with me when I asked-“

“Asked? You didn’t exactly give my any choice!”

“You could have this much easier on yourself..”

The man took a step toward Alex. Alex responded the same way anybody else would, he took a step back “Stay away from what, what do you want?”

The man continued walking toward Alex, until they where close enough to see each other plainly.

“Don’t struggle, kid. There is no point. Welcome to new world.”

The man raised his arm, and moved his hair out his eyes. Alex stared directly into the man’s blue eyes, unknowing of what going on. The man smiled, and stared right into Alex’s eyes. Alex immediately fell to his knees. He felt his mind going wild; he couldn’t control his thoughts. “What are you doing to me!?”

“Why, just having a look around your mind. Your family, your friends, and most importantly, your power. Strange, you don’t seem too strong, but you have some ability. You might be of some-“

The man’s eyes opened wide as he took a step back. “Wh-What is this!?”

”Get out..Now!”

“Who..who said that!?” The man was suddenly thrown backward, his powers apparently failing him. He hit the ground with a thud, obviously confused. “What are you!?”

Alex stood upright, and smiled brightly. He raised his left arm, and covered his eye. As the dark smoke began to flow upward as before, Alex began to walk toward the man.

“What are you!? Answer me!”

“Poor man..No need to yell.” Alex’s voice began to grow much darker; “I’ll show you, don’t worry. Just be careful what you wish for!”

Alex uncovered his eye, shocking the man. His eye was completely black, aside from a bright yellow iris. Black smoke was still forming and rising around the eye.

“So..do you like what you see?”

The man looked scared, he had never had his powers fail on him like that. Something very powerful is in him. The man got up, and turned to run, he wanted no part of this kid.

“Aww, come on, don’t you want to play? Remember, you brought me here.”

Alex raised his arm, and pointed it toward the man. Suddenly, the man stopped, he couldn’t control himself. “What are you doing to me!?”

“Come now, didn’t you say you had a new world for me to join? I want to hear more about this!”

“Keep away from me!”

Alex laughed, he loved this feeling that had overtaken him. He felt powerful; he could do anything. “Alright, why don’t I give you a fair shot? Beat me in a duel, and I’ll let you go unharmed.”

“What if I refuse?”

Alex smiled grimly, “You don’t have a choice.”

The mans eyes opened wide, he was trapped. He tried to calm himself by thinking to himself how this kid has no idea about the power of his deck, and the corporation.

“Fine kid, you’re on.”

“Let us begin!” Alex laughed loudly, and raised his arms. Everything began to grow darker. The light of the moon faded away, the trees around them disappeared; even the ground below them disappeared. The only visible things where each other.

“What is this1?”

“Don’t worry, this way, I’m the only thing you have to pay attention to.”

Alex raised his duel disk, and looked directly at the man. “Now then, why don’t we start, Xan?”

The man was immediately shocked. “How do you know my name!?”

“I took a walk through your mind. You’re not the only one that can do those things. Now, like I said, lets get started, Xan.”

The man raised his duel disk, and two of them activated them.

“Please Xan, feel free to go first.”

“Fine, I’ll start this off. You have no idea who you’re dealing with!”

“Trust me, I know more than you think.”

 

The two drew their starting hands, and Xan drew his sixth.

“Alright, I’ll start this off by setting a monster face down. I’ll make it simple, and end my turn at that.”

As the card appeared in front of Xan, Alex drew a card. “That’s pathetic. Come now, do something more. Now, it’s my turn, so I’ll summon Malefisized Regulus in attack position.”

A black figure, in the shape of a lion appeared in front of Alex. It’s face was painted to look like a skull, and it’s body was also painted to look like a skeleton.

“He won’t be standing around for long; Regulus, attack his monster.”

The black lion reared up, and roared. It ran toward Xan’s card. Right before the beast’s mighty claw hit the card, an orange, ball like figure sprang out in front of it. It’s three eyes closed, as it braced for the hit. Bracing was no help, as it was instantly destroyed, exploding into a shower of shards.

“Thanks for destroying my Sangan, Alex. You already know what I get to do. Thank you for letting me add a monster to my hand.”

Alex didn’t respond as Xan searched through his deck, and finally picked a card. “I pick my Marauding Captain.”

“Lets hope that card is of use to you. Go ahead, I end my turn.”

“Alright, fine.” Xan drew a card from his deck, and smiled. “It’s too bad this won’t be lasting too much longer. It’s only just begun! Now, I’ll summon my Marauding Captain.”

A man wearing a large amount of blue, and gray armor, and wearing a long, red and blue cape jumped out of the card. He pointed both his swords at Alex, and grunted.

Alex didn’t respond, he knew there was a reason for him summoning this warrior.

“Now, my captain has a special ability. When he is summoned to the field, I can bring another monster to the field, so say hello to Junk Synchron.

Another creature jumped out of another card; this time, it was an orange, humanoid figure, who seemed to be more robotic than man.

“My Synchron is a tuner, Alex. You know what this means. I synch my Marauding Captain with my Junk Synchron to synchro summon my Goyo Guardian!”

The orange robot-man pulled on a ignition pull on it’s stomach, and suddenly turned into three bright, light balls. They surrounded the sword wielding warrior as it jumped into the air. Three rings appeared around the warrior as it became hollow. A fantastic flash of light blinded Xan and Alex for a moment. The light faded away, revealing a man. He was wearing Japanese armor, and clothing, and was wielding a rope and jutte. It was covered in white makeup, with red makeup covering its eyes and mouth.

“Like you said, he won’t be standing around for long. Goyo, attack his Regulus!”

The warrior began to twirl and spin its rope faster, and faster. It cocked back, and then forward, throwing the rope at the lion. The rope wrapped around the beast as Goyo grabbed on to the end of the rope. It pulled on the rope, causing the lion to roar in pain.

 

Alex’s Life Points: 2900

 

“Alex, you might not like this, but when my Goyo destroys a monster, it recruits them to my side, and gives me control of your monster!”

The warrior pulled the rope again, bringing the lion to Xan’s side of the field, still trapped in the rope.

“Thank you. You see, when my Regulus is removed from the field, I get to add a field spell from my deck, to my hand.”

“Am I supposed to be scared?”

“Think of it as your desctruction.”

“Fine, go ahead, I end my turn.”

Alex drew a card from his deck, and smiled. “I hope for your sake that your Goyo has another effect, otherwise, this is going to be short! I play Malefic World.

What looked to be stars began to appear everywhere around them. Small, bright lights where glittering all around. It was almost like being in space.

“Now I’m going to take you down! I’ll remove a Blue-Eyes White Dragon from my deck from play, to summon the fist monster that will bring your destruction! Now, come forth, Malefic Blue-Eyes White Dragon!”

A mighty roar echoed through the card. For what seemed like an eternity, more and more roars came through. Suddenly, a massive, white dragon, with black wings, and a black face flew out. It flew up high, and roared once more, looking directly as Xan, who was beginning to shake, not knowing what was about to happen.

“Now to add to the destruction, I activate Soul’s Repent. Now, my monsters have no effects this turn. Now I can control as many Malefics as I wish, and can attack with them all as well!”

Xan looked on in shock, as his opponent was about to bring a massive offensive against him.

“Now, to make things worse for you, I think I’ll remove two more Blue-Eyes White Dragons in my deck from play, to summon the other two of my mighty Malefic beasts!

Two more of the same dragon made their way on to the field.

“Th-Three of them!? That’s…9000 attack!”

“I know, isn’t it magnificent? I’m not done yet, I have one more card in my hand! I’ll remove another, this time from my extra deck. Say goodbye to Stardust Dragon, and say hello to a much darker version, Malefic Stardust Dragon!.”

Another roar echoed out of a card, and again, a dragon flew out. This time, a smaller, sleeker dragon came out. It was white, with light blue scales, and dark blue orbs on its chest. Its wings where pitch black, and white, and its face was black, along with the center of its body.

“I hope you know that this is the end of you. Now, Malefic Blue-Eyes White Dragon, attack his Goyo Guardian, wipe it out!”

The dragon did as it was told, flying high, and opening its mouth wide. A white ball began to glow. It became larger, and larger. The dragon roared, and fired the ball. The warrior tried to brace for the impact, but it was too late. It was obliterated.

 

Xan’s Life Points: 3800

 

“Now, my second Blue-Eyes, wipe out the Regulus!”

As just seconds before, the dragon flew high, and fired another ball of destruction, this time at the lion. The beast didn’t even brace for impact, it just watched its destruction come its way.

“Now to end this, my final Blue-Eyes, attack him directly!”

This time, the dragon flew low, right toward Xan. It was already ready to fire the energy ball as it flew closer. Just before the dragon ran into Xan, it fired the ball, launching Xan into the air, until he crashed into a tree. The pain was real, he couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He was terrified.

“What’s wrong, Xan? If this is the power of your ‘new world’, I want nothing to do with it! Stardust, attack him, and finish this!”

The majestic dragon opened its mouth, and fired three small white energy balls. They formed into one as they hit each other on their path to Xan. Xan watched in horror as the ball screamed closer.

 

Xan’s Life Points: 0

 

The dark, calmness of the night was a magical feeling for those outside that night. The birds had long sense gone off to their nests to sleep. The insects that where still alive from the morning’s harvest buried themselves underground, attempting to get some sleep of their own. Many students have gone off to bed, getting ready for another day of school. Some stayed out in front of their dorms, talking to their friends. Some where just getting set for bed. As the wind quite ocean wind blew the colorful flowers and trees around the school, releasing even more of a sweet scent into the air, a young Alex Davis was walking on a pathway to the Slifer dorms. He looked into the sky, and smiled.

“It’s a beautiful night.”

 

[ZeroLuneth]

Nice job...it was an interesting twist bringing back shadow games? Or something similar?

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Another awesome chapter, Resonating. Can't wait to see what happens next.

[Yankee]

Nice job...it was an interesting twist bringing back shadow games? Or something similar?

 

I guess you can call it a shadow game..^_\\\

 

Another awesome chapter' date=' Resonating. Can't wait to see what happens next.

[/quote']

 

Thanks! I wanna see what more people think, too ^_\\\

[Dr. Cakey]

Two Notes:

1) ...Sin...

2) Malefic Sin World would already let him control multiple "Malefic" "Sin" monsters and attack with them all, he didn't need to play Soul's Repent. Wait, now I just checked the wiki, and all of Sin World's effects are gone, except the search effect. For heaven's sake...

 

I hope you don't mind, but my imagination took the liberty of having Pride voice Dark Alex.

[Yankee]

lol, not bad XD

Ya, I read the wiki, had to make him play soul.

[Guest Morpheous Erebos]

I'm enjoying seeing my thought being implimented ^^. Again, I skimmed, but I at least saw Goyo Guardian in there.

[Yankee]

..Read it, don't skim..DX

[Insert_Name_Here]

Man this is actually pretty good, Cant wait for the others ;)

[Yankee]

Thank you ^_\\\

Ya think Crab won't destroy it too much?

[Insert_Name_Here]

Thank you ^_\\\

Ya think Crab won't destroy it too much?

Your welcome

 

Not really, but thats just my opinion

[Yankee]

Yay ^_\\\

[Yankee]

Bump DX

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I've been requested to review this story, and since it's #20, I'm fine with trying out a long, developed story by a respected user and doing so blind, even if I do run the risk of it actually being good and thus making my commentary rather awkward. I know nothing about this story besides the title and the fact that it doesn't have The duel levels of spelling and grammar (though I have been warned that it starts out using the present tense for no real reason). As it stands, the title sounds like a pretentious and meaningless piece of nonsense, but who knows, maybe it can be justified in the story or something. Still, I hate giving people the benefit of the doubt, so I'll assume it's stupid until I see evidence otherwise.

 

I'll probably only be covering the Prologue. That's where people will begin, and if it's bad enough to turn me off this story, then the place where all new readers join will be turning people away from the story, which will indicate a major problem in itself. (This is also why I always just review Chapter 1 of stories.)

 

It all happened so fast. Who knew the joining of two world,

 

On top of the normal proofreading that is expected of an author, Resonating Lust's note says that Nexev gave him assistance with proofreading. However, this still wasn't enough to save us from a mistake in the very second sentence.

 

two dimensions, could be so anti-climatic.

 

Who could? Well, anyone who's ever read bad crossover fanfiction, for a start.

 

The Government...They tried to bring an end to the war.

 

So this unspecified "The Government" must be the nice peace-loving heroes, right?

 

They tried to end Tragoedia.

 

So this unspecified "The Government" tried to end the war by, um, defeating their enemy? I'm pretty sure that's what just about every faction in just about every war does. That's kind of the whole point of war: to end, with victory going to one side or the other.

 

Actually, even a cursory a study of history reveals that wars often end with some sort of treaty rather than with the extermination of one side or the other.

 

I see. So this unspecified "The Government" are actually taking the most violent route to ending this war?

 

They learned, however, to not test the hand of Death.

 

Maybe it's just me.

 

Maybe everyone else thinks lines like these are really cool and awesome and I'm the only one who thinks they sound pretentious and stupid and suffer from a major lack of actual content. Maybe nobody else finds it annoying when the story speaks with these excessively-dramatic symbols that explain nothing. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this sort of thing sounds lame and wishes authors would stop trying too hard to make the events of their stories sound so epic and would just get to the point so we can actually find out what's going on. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks there's a good reason Lost's mysteries were more along the lines of "Why is there a polar bear on this tropical island?" and less along the lines of "What on earth is the phrase 'test the hand of Death' supposed to mean anyhow?" Maybe everyone else likes those opening scenes of anime and video games and stuff where random flashes of light occur and random words appear and nothing sensible can be determined from all of it.

 

Maybe it's just me.

 

But even if it is just me, I'm the one writing this commentary, so I'm still going to complain about it, and I am definitely another potential reader who is going to be turned away if this sort of thing keeps up.

 

The claw released its great power, and the entire world..all of the living beings died. Their spirits searching frantically for bodies to once again be alive in.

 

Do people in this dimension normally try to hijack others' bodies when they die? If so, didn't that cause major problems for their world, and wouldn't that make trying to kill Tragoedia pointless, since it would just reincarnate? If not, why are they doing so now? Does a lot of people dying simultaneously somehow grant them this power? Does that mean that events in our world with high body counts gave their victims similar abilities? Doesn't that make mass murder far less of a crime than a single murder, since only the latter would prevent a soul from living on in another body? In fact, doesn't that make mass murder of the elderly so they can return to younger bodies instead of dying alone and permanently a very good thing?

 

When something happens in a story, I try to see why it happens, and what implications those possible causes have, to figure out how the fictional universe works. Any hypothesis I can produce for this event produces very bizarre implications, to say the least. I know the meta-reason this happened - the plot demanded it - but the in-universe justification seems questionable. Maybe it will be revealed in a future plot twist, but right now it looks like we're supposed to accept that it's natural for lots of dead people to try to find new bodies, and that's not an explanation that really satisfies me.

 

They found them in this dimension. The human dimension. The souls joined and fused with those who where compatible, by size, power, mind, or even feelings. However, none of this was even noticed by this dimension. Life went on as normal. While some people have changed in looks, or abilities, they are not noticed, as the fusion has seemed to had an affect on memories.

 

Does this mean that everyone in our world fused with at least one refugee from the dead world? If not, how did those who received no fusions have their memories altered? Did each fusion alter the memories of absolutely everyone accordingly? How could all the alterations have been coordinated? If nobody has any memories or other such artifacts from their former lives from the dead world, in what sense are they at all the same people?

 

I know I really shouldn't be complaining about this. And, in fact, it really doesn't bother meas much as it sounds like it does. But I do like the rules of the universe in stories to be sensible and consistent, and it bothers me when that doesn't seem to be the case. And the question of how they can still be considered the same person at all is a critical one.

 

Wait a minute... does this mean that I could have friends from that old world who are strangers to me in this world? But that- that means- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

So with this, a new world has been created. A world made up of two different worlds. And as sad as it is for them, the Government on the monster dimension had succeeded in destroying Tragoedia...or so they believe.

 

No. That's just nonsense.

 

The entire dead world is, as the name I'm using for it implies, dead. The Government seems to be from the dead world, so everyone in the Government is dead. They may have had their souls fused into our world or something, but they have no memories of the dead world, so they have no idea that Tragoedia existed or that they were ever trying to destroy it or that anything happened - that nobody has any clue that anything happened was the whole point of this introductory section's constant mentioning of how secret and anti-climactic the fusion was. The Government doesn't believe it destroyed Tragoedia - the Government can't believe it destroyed Tragoedia - because the Government no longer even exists. There isn't any body left with any memories to have the belief that the Government destroyed Tragoedia. It's impossible.

 

And even if someone from the Government did somehow still have these memories and knew exactly what happened, why would they believe that Tragoedia had been successfully destroyed? Tragoedia was in the dead world; everyone in the dead world was, like Tragoedia, killed; and everyone else in the dead world fused into our world. Why would such a Government person believe that Tragoedia did not also fuse with someone's soul in our dimension and thus continue to exist?

 

It's amazing that such major continuity errors could be overlooked considering that there's only been one paragraph of continuity so far, and some of it was just that babble that didn't establish any continuity anyhow. Bear in mind that this story had Nexev proofreading it, which means that, on top of the original author making this mistake, Nexev too must have read through this and not realized the problem. Having a separate proofreader is good, but it also makes every mistake that much more unforgivable.

 

In a tall bulding

 

-1. 74%.

 

Oh, come on - this is absurd! It's "BUILDING". It has an extra "i" in it between the "u" and "l".

 

"Crab Helmet, you unparalleled genius," you may ask, "Why is this solitary spelling mistake so absurd? After all, this story has far better spelling than almost any Foe Fic, and even with a separate proofreader, isn't one typo forgivable?"

 

Well, Hypothetical You, what's so absurd is that this is the sort of thing that a quick run through MSWord's spellchecker would have fixed in an instant, since "bulding" isn't a word on its own. That means that a single error is absurd because a single error is proof that no spellchecker was used. That's right - Resonating Lust went out of his way to get another user to proofread for him, but he didn't take thirty seconds to run this thing through the MSWord spellchecker. That's insane. That's stupid. That's certainly not fair on Nexev, at the very least.

 

Seriously, people, don't tell me you don't have a word processor with a spellchecker. Thirty seconds copying your story into there and running a spellcheck will save you from looking like a colossal moron when you make typos like "bulding".

 

not far from the center of the city, a group of people are sitting in a room with the windows open, around a circular table.

 

Ah, that's right, the completely unnecessary present tense that I was warned about.

 

Resonating Lust tells me that he realized it was pointless and switched to the more conventional past tense after the first chapter or something, but while I hate to sound demanding, that's not enough. If you've realized that something you did early in your story is stupid, then not making the same mistake again in future chapters is a step in the right direction, but what you should really do is go back to your earlier chapters where you were making the mistake and fix it there too.

 

If you're building a house one room at a time and you look back at the first room you built - the entrance hall - and you see that you accidentally filled it with land mines, you don't just say, "Oops! I guess I'll try not to fill the other rooms with land mines!" and then let people walk in the front door and explode. Similarly, if you're writing a fanfic and you realize that you did stupid stuff at the start, where all your potential new readers join, you don't leave it there to drive off anyone new who might want to read your story; you go back and fix it so that new readers don't need to wade through this nonsense. Of course, if you actually care about your story's quality, you won't need the new reader incentive to fix the problem - you'll fix it because it's the right thing to do and you don't want your story to suck - but that alone obviously hasn't been sufficient incentive for you.

 

Most are yelling at each other,

 

Since they are yelling at each other, I'm guessing that they are probably arguing with each other about something. The fact that they're still arguing indicates that they haven't reconciled their arguments yet.

 

apparently in arguments they are unable to reconcile.

 

Gee, thanks. -_-

 

Seriously, people, one of the most fundamental rules of writing (besides proofreading and spellchecking, which was already violated) is Show, Don't Tell. A good writer will show a scene in which people argue; a bad writer will say that there are some people around and state that those people are arguing. It may sound like a minor detail, but you would be surprised how drastically a story can be improved by Showing instead of Telling.

 

It's far better stylistically; it involves the reader in the world of the story; it improves the flow of the story; it stops things from feeling like a wall of exposition; it makes the world far more strongly-defined by having events described in detail instead of merely being stated to have happened; and it always feels much more dramatic.

 

It's not an absolute law of the universe that Showing is absolutely always correct and Telling is absolutely always wrong - in fact, knowing when a detail is unimportant enough that it's safe to Tell it and not to Show it is an important skill for good writers - but Showing instead of Telling is a general habit of good writing, and YCM's Foe Fics always seem to Tell and never seem to Show. That's just bad.

 

Showing wouldn't even have been that difficult here. Instead of being told that people were arguing, we could have just, you know, been shown a few brief lines from their argument. Two lines from people shouting opposing ideas at each other would have conveyed that people were having arguments they had been unable to reconcile marvelously.

 

One man is sitting with his chin resting on his cupped hands. He has grown increasingly annoyed by the arguing.

 

I have grown annoyed by the explicit statement that people were arguing. That's close enough; I like this guy.

 

"Thats

 

NOT AGAIN

 

Seriously, why is it that nobody on YCM cares enough about their stories to spellcheck them?! Stop being so lazy or stop writing. (Although, to be quite honest, this was a pretty obvious one; you should have been able to catch it, Nexev.)

 

enough!" he says. "The time has come. The world will know what the meaning of true power is. The world will fall under a new order. Most of all, my friends, the world...Will be ours. Let us begin to build our army.

 

I'm guessing that this guy didn't assemble his group of cronies without informing them that they were going to take over the world, which makes this whole speech an utterly pointless recap of what everyone actually in the room knows by heart.

 

It's as if one soldier in Iraq suddenly turned to another and said, "Hey, Bob, we're soldiers in Iraq and we're fighting a war here against insurgents and terrorists and stuff, right?" - it's stupid and doesn't happen and was only included because Resonating Lust wanted to convey this information to the audience and wasn't a strong enough writer to come up with any method beyond having a character say it out loud to people who already know. No half-decent writer would ever resort to that sort of-

 

Hey, Crab Helmet, I'm saying this perfectly in-character and not because someone new might be reading this and have just arrived, but isn't it true that Izzy speaks in orange text and only cares about his friends and nobody else?

 

Why, yes, that is indeed correct, Anten.

 

And isn't it true that I'm the most perfect person in the entire universe?

 

Actually, that's not really a good example, since it's perfectly in-character for you to discuss your own perfection.

 

Now go, Xan. Bring me my soldiers!"

A young man, who looks to be no more than 21, steps forward. "Yes, my lord. I shall bring you no less than the best."

 

Something feels really awkward about this exchange. Based on what Xan says to - he doesn't have a name yet, so I'll call him Hyoudou since that's how I'm picturing him, even though he's probably a reincarnation of Tragoedia - it appears that Hyoudou doesn't have any soldiers lined up and is telling Xan to go out and draft an entire army for him. I'm sure these guys have powers that make that possible, but it still sounds really bizarre when I try to imagine it.

 

He stands smiling as the wind blows his white hair.

 

UNDER 21, WHITE HAIR, K THATS ENOUFF DESCRIPTION LETS MOVE ON

 

Wait a minute, the wind? They're indoors! Sure, the windows are open, but why would they want a draft? In fact, why are the windows open in the first place? If you are making loud speeches about how you're going to take over the world (OF COURSE!) and your lieutenants are arguing loudly about... something that we weren't shown due to bad writing, but probably related to world domination, and the whole point of your meeting is to plot world domination, shouldn't you be doing everything you can to make sure nobody overhears your evil plotting - like, say, closing the windows? I know it's a tall building, but even so, I've lost all respect for Hyoudou as an evil overlord if his security measures are so weak that a Bond villain would be embarrassed.

 

A young Alex Davis

 

Last time I reviewed the opening chapter of a long and established fanfic and it started with some historical exposition before turning to a scene with a heated argument involving a chessmaster villain regarding world domination and finally moved away from that to a scene with an ordinary kid named Alex, things went way downhill very quickly.

 

is walking during the early morning. Today is the day he is supposed to have his Entrance Exam into the Eastern Duel Academy. Excited by the opportunity,

 

There was clearly no possible way to convey that Alex was excited besides stating that he was excited. Resonating Lust obviously looked at this and he said, "Yup, this is it. Draft 16. This is perfect. This is the draft that I'm going to post on YCM."

 

he looks on as he comes closer acadamy arena.

 

SPELLCHECKER

 

The bright sun only helped to make the smile on his face more apparent.

 

Draft 15 had a line here that read, "He was smiling because he was happy and excited," but that was removed because he felt it was unnecessary, whereas every sentence that remained was absolutely necessary.

 

After waiting for over four months, he was finally invited to join in the exam.

 

Entrance exams are only once a year, so it's not like he was denied access to the exam that took place four months ago. So what does the "four months" refer to? The time since Alex first learned to duel? The time since Alex's application letter was mailed? The time Resonating Lust spent Not Actually Thinking About The Logic Of This Story?

 

He is going to do whatever is takes not waste this chance.

 

He is going to do whatever is takes not waste this chance.

 

He is going to do whatever is takes not waste this chance.

 

Nexev must have not been recruited as a proofreader when the Prologue was written, because there's no way that two separate people read this sentence and said, "Yes, this is an absolutely perfect sentence and there is nothing wrong with it."

 

Look, when you find yourself writing like this, maybe it's time to cut rotten pieces of the apple.

 

As he walks up to the front door of the giant arena, he takes a second to think.

 

Alex: "All right, I know there's a trick to this. Do I pull on the handle? Do I push on the middle? Do I knock? Do I ring the bell? Do I break it down with my foot? What do I do here? Hey, you, over there! Do you know how to open this door?"

 

Grell: *shrugs*

 

Could he do it? If he did, what class would he be in?

 

He never considered any of this during the last four months.

 

As he thinks to himself, a cool breeze blows by. It blows his black hair,

 

At least this time the person whose hair is blowing in the wind is actually outside.

 

and the flowers around the arena.

 

Wait, what? Where did this come from? What flowers?

 

The flowers soaking up the sunlight, and the birds singing in the sky.

 

"The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky."

 

The calmness of the moment calms his nerves.

 

Indeed, the calmness calms him. This is quality writing.

 

He opens the door in front of him, and enters.

 

But first he made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have wepon.

 

On the whole, the story wasn't as bad as several previous Foe Fics, but it also wasn't great. The events of the plot were bizarre and frequently nonsensical, with some major continuity errors in a laughably short period of time; the writing was inelegant, heavily emphasizing Telling and resorting to such contrivances as people telling each other things they already know for the audience's benefit; the effort was disappointingly sub-par, without so much as a standard MSWord spellcheck (Why does nobody spellcheck, anyhow? It's easy and quick!); as far as I'm concerned, the pointless pretentious stuff was still pointless and pretentious; and, as with Hopeless Paradise, it goes away from the world domination stuff for a final section with some ordinary kid named Alex who does nothing interesting, causing the Prologue to fail in its task of leaving me interested and wanting to read more.

 

This isn't as bad as Foe Fics can get, but it still isn't good. I'm not going to look back on this review and think, "Crab Helmet, you unremarkable and average person, you were too harsh on Resonating Lust and his story, and it was actually really good" - it's still weak and I can't even give you any points for effort.

[Kenny Bohner]

Wow, Crab. You totally stole my post. The story idea, as I said previous, isn't bad, but is somewhat clichéd. However, I do think, aside from the disregard for grammar, this is a better story than what Crab makes it out to be. I do like it, though, because I can sense a major twist coming up in a direction that isn't the predictable, overdone piece of crap we've come to get used to. Don't disappoint me, William; this is one of the very, very few times I'll actually support a Yankee fan in, well, anything

[Yankee]

I responded to your review on your thread.

Thanks a lot for looking it over, Crabs. It's a big help! ^_\\\

[Nexev]

Well there is, at least I'm sure it hasn't been used before.

 

For example RL, can I pm some people with the app to one of the villians?

 

Oh yeah, remenber to pm me if you need help, I am not on yahoo often but if I'm pmed I'll go.

[Yankee]

Okay, go ahead with a bad guy app. I need some.

I really need you on IM right now, actually.

[Pichu]

It's time for a review!

 

Prologue

 

One of the stories that have a prologue! This will be good!

 

It all happened so fast. Who knew the joining of two world, two dimensions, could be so anti-climatic. The Government...

 

Sucks...

 

They tried to bring an end to the war. They tried to end Tragoedia. They learned, however, to not test the hand of Death. The claw released its great power, and the entire world..all of the living beings died.

 

This seems really emo... I'm guessing we have another emo on YCM!

 

Their spirits searching frantically for bodies to once again be alive in.

 

But everyone is DEAD. Every single being on What-ya-mah-call-it is dead.

 

They found them in this dimension. The human dimension.

 

Try the Pokemon dimension. At least you'll have powers as a Pokemon.

 

The souls joined and fused with those who where compatible, by size, power, mind, or even feelings.

 

Does that mean the human dimension is filled with emos?

 

However, none of this was even noticed by this dimension. Life went on as normal. While some people have changed in looks, or abilities, they are not noticed, as the fusion has seemed to had an affect on memories.

 

Believe normal is walking down a street with a talking Torchic and a talking gumball. Isn't that right guys?

 

Yes it is!

 

In Game.... Place...

 

So with this, a new world has been created. A world made up of two different worlds.

 

A new WORLD. Then there's new WORLDS. Make up your mind already!

 

And as sad as it is for them, the Government

 

Still sucks......

 

on the monster dimension had succeeded in destroying Tragoedia...or so they believe.

 

*Pause for Dramatic Effect*

 

In a tall building not far from the center of the city, a group of people are sitting in a room with the windows open, around a circular table.

 

Nice description.

 

Most are yelling at each other, apparently in arguments they are unable to reconcile. One man is sitting with his chin resting on his cupped hands. He has grown increasingly annoyed by the arguing.

 

Who wouldn't!?!?!

 

But aren't they emo?

 

They get mad at everything!

 

Kirby has no idea what emo means...

 

"Thats enough!" he says. "The time has come. The world will know what the meaning of true power is.

 

The true power is a small yellow hamster named, Pichu!

 

Thank you, Mister!

 

The world will fall under a new order. Most of all, my friends, the world...Will be ours. Let us begin to build our army. Now go, Xan. Bring me my soldiers!"

 

The guy's name is Xan.... Most people make names up like that...

 

A young man, who looks to be no more than 21, steps forward. "Yes, my lord. I shall bring you no less than the best."

He stands smiling as the wind blows his white hair.

 

He seems like a brave young man that wishes to fulfill his boss'es orders.

 

A young Alex Davis is walking during the early morning. Today is the day he is supposed to have his Entrance Exam into the Eastern Duel Academy.

 

At least it's not the Western Duel Academy on the West Side... Get mugged on thw to schoold and back!

 

Excited by the opportunity, he looks on as he comes closer academy arena. The bright sun

 

MY EYES!

 

only helped to make the smile on his face more apparent. After waiting for over four months, he was finally invited to join in the exam. He is going to do whatever is takes not waste this chance.

 

He'll have sex for money.

 

As he walks up to the front door of the giant arena, he takes a second to think. Could he do it? If he did, what class would he be in? As he thinks to himself, a cool breeze blows by. It blows his black hair,

 

Black hair+soul from an emo world=emo

 

and the flowers around the arena. The flowers soaking up the sunlight, and the birds singing in the sky. The calmness of the moment calms his nerves. He opens the door in front of him, and enters.

 

And the Prologue ends with a hanger. I like this piece of writing a lot. Now I must read the rest of this FanFic

--------------------------------------

Thanks to my guests:

Torchic and Kirby!

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, then, Ms. (I think) Resonating Lust, you've asked me to take a look at this story, and so I shall. But because I have too much time on my hands, I'll read the first four chapters, and then tell you about chapter five, because EVERYBODY always reviews the FIRST chapter of stories.

 

But I’ll first do a recap of what I thought while reading the other chapters…

Present tense is weird!

Characters are non-descript!

Circular rooms don’t have corners!

You said ‘tail’ instead of ‘tale’ in the first paragraph!!

I think it’s hilarious that Syrus was dueling the exam teacher, or it was probably just my imagination! (Heh, he reminded me of Syrus somehow.)

The PA system isn’t very cool!

The third paragraph is fat!

Cyber Valley is and has always been a dumb name, so it’s not your fault!

Cyber-Tech Alligator is oddly hilarious!

“Attack my alligator!” is a command for somebody to attack his alligator, not the other way around!

When the creature roars, actually type out the roar, for “showing not telling”!

The Masked Dragon’s effect is weird-looking!

The Cyber Twin Dragon description is awkward!

Wasn’t Alex supposed to summon another Dragon when the other Masked Dragon died?!

‘He draws a card from his deck, and smiles brightly’ has no ending punctuation!

The Dark Horus description feels forced and weird!

The duel was quite satisfying!

I like how the Alex boy gives the man the ‘Slifer Red’ wins line, it felt badass!

You had a great beginning to Chapter Two!

You didn’t space out the introduction sentences!

It’s good how we’re finally tied back to the prologue here!

The weird description of Vorse Raider and Cyber Phoenix beside the “blonde kid” made me laugh for the weirdness of them all being crunched into one sentence!

The first paragraph of the second half of Chapter Two could be cut into two or three paragraphs!

It’s also funny how Cyber Dragons always hurt everyone’s ears, yet nobody reacts to them!

I’ve never met a guy named Saga!

The third chapter is full of blocky text!

Blob of students sounds horrifying!

Chazz Princeton will never be a good character, only a dumb traditional rival!

Chicks like that are whores… I think! (referring to a line never directly finished, leading to my own curiosity, with my own custom answer)

You screwed up with the tags!

Twice!

Threatening Roar has no cool effect on the field!

How come your Life Points aren’t bold anymore?!

You got your tenses confused again and didn’t describe Armageddon Knight!

You always SAY that people get hurt, when they never really scream!

It’s funny how Alex gains the ultimate evil power during a regular, unimportant duel!

It’s also hilarious how Malefic Red-Eyes is usually useless by ruining the rest of your monsters in any other occasion!

I like how the janitor seems to be a secret agent, so now he’s cool!

You have fat paragraphs again!

“I’d like your like, Alex.” ?!

Is it just me, or is Leon a Jive Turkey with his Hip Lingo?!

‘he spoke to the girl’ needs a period!

Saga is a less-weird last name than first name, but still odd!

I bet she’s going to have some character development after she joins Alex’s crew, or course!

It cuts to the next day awfully quick after “Tradgodia” I think appears again, don’t it?!

The Jaden thing is somehow annoying!

You summon in attack mode… fix tags!

It’s nice how you used a type of deck that should’ve been used by now! (This kudos goes to the guy who created him)

I hope that somebody beats Shang Noon with a Magic Jammer!

Or Jinzo!

Or Horus!

Shapesnatch has horrible power!

 

And now, for the review that we’ve all been waiting for…

 

 

[spoiler=Turn Five: A New World]

The next morning began quietly. It's around here that I realize you still need to practice paragraphing. Also' date=' for the color choice of pink, I chose it on a whim. I am still as masculine as ever, though pink IS badass.[/color'] As the sun began to rise, pushing back the dark, some students awoke to see a beautiful morning. Maybe you could say 'darkness', but that doesn't matter. Looking out the window of her upstairs, Obelisk dorm room, Jane Saga smiled at the sight of the reflection of the sun off of the ocean water. I'd say 'Staring out the window of her upstairs Obelisk dorm room, Jane Saga smiled at the sun's reflection on the calm ocean' or something to that effect, since what you said feels a bit off, for some reason. I'm just looking too far into things. The orange aura around the sun seemed to make rainbows appear in the water, and made the beach sand bright, and golden. Maybe turn the end of the sentence into 'and turned the beach sand a bright golden hue'? Darn it, all the fixes are only trivial things so far, all matters of taste! That OBVIOUSLY means that this review is going well so far! Except for the paragraphs. Still need to work on the paragraphs. There was not even a cloud in the sky. It was a perfect morning. You could combine those two sentences with a comma. The seagulls where starting to wake up from their sleep, and began to ascend to the skies. Uh-oh, you said 'where', not 'were'! I found a second 'error'! Their squawks and calls added some variety and fun to the morning. That sounds nice, I must admit. Jane had been watching this with a smile, while brushing her long, still wet from a shower, brown hair. Oh, so she has brown hair! Wow! We finally know what a character looks like! Unless I wasn't paying attention, making me a dunce. She was already dressed in a white top, and a short, dark blue skirt. Meh, describing clothing never feels right, you did your best. She put some makeup on to counter her pale skin, and took one more moment to look at the morning sky. I have absolutely nothing to say here. She looked down toward the ocean, and for some reason, that she probably didn’t even know at the time, she looked down at the Slifer dorms. Too many commas, methinks. Also, around here is where you should space out the paragraphs. You KINDA did, but there's not enough of a blank space for me to be able to tell.

She stared for a moment, at nothing really, when something caught he eye. Maybe say 'stared for a moment at nothing, really,' though once again it's merely a trivial concern. Sitting alone on a bench in front of the dorm was a black haired student, dressed in black jeans, and of course, a Slifer Red coat. OOOOH, so he has BLACK hair! But why didn't you say anything about his tremendous nose? She immediately seemed to know who she was looking at. Especially thanks to the nose. The superstar himself, Alex Davis. Heh, he's still famous for beating a test deck! It's a bit improbable that the nickname'll fit for the rest of the year, but I'll still bet on it. They had talked a few nights ago, while she was sitting on a similar bench. Okay, so that's when this episode is placed. That isn't too long after that intro scene. Has Alex been at teh academy for a week, now? She leaned against her window, and looked down at Alex. I sense obvious love interest! Throw in two more ladies like her and you could have a love comedy on your hands, bucko! Something about this boy, she thought, wasn’t right. That nose? She couldn’t figure out what exactly, but she knew something wasn’t right. Oh, you mean the evil spirit only he can see. That is a problem. She moved passed this thought quickly, however, probably just over thinking. I think you meant 'past'. She turned, and walked toward her door. This one here sounds funky as well. In fact, so that YOU can tell whenever you've written a funky sentence, just check to see if it describes only an action in a bland fashion. You could have put 'She turned and cruised to the door', or 'She turned and leaped five feet toward the door and kicked it open', as those are more exciting than just walking to a door. Or you could've said 'She moved past this thought quickly and walked toward the door.' See, now you've combined two sentences, making them (probably) better than before! And THAT'S how you handle walking to a door. Looking back one more time, she smiled. “It’s a beautiful morning.” New paragraph, ahoy! I'm sorry though that I can't get with the paragraphing style as I should.

Alex had woken up early that morning, and brought himself outside for a tour of the school. Didn't they justdo that> Sure, Bellphron had taken the students on a tour earlier yeah, but it was not quite as in depth as he would prefer. Oh. That guy is probably nothing but a jokester anyway. Heh, he's just a jokey jokester. What a cool term! As he continued his tour, he eventually became tired. But I thought that he was just sitting on the bench! When did he get up? Did I miss it? He found his way back to the Slifer dorm, but didn’t want to disturb anybody by going in, so he sat down on a bench. OOOOOOH. Well, it'd be nice if you had said he was already walking around the school... He had been there for about an hour when the sun began to rise. Well damn! Who takes a tour like that at five in the morning? Or... am I the only one NOT doing it?! He watched the sun rise, bathing in its golden rays, feeling the warmth creep up his body. Cool. He closed his eyes, and let the warmth of the sun overtake him. Could you take out that comma there? Today was the first day of classes, and for most, the first day of hell. Well, what's so hard about THOSE classes? Isn't it just going over the rule book repeatedly, and learning counter-strategies as the new booster packs come out? He leaned forward, covering his left eye with his hand. Oh yeah, almost forgot about that evil guy. He smiled lightly and whispered, “Good morning.” Good morning, chrono. DUN DUN DUUUN!!

At that moment, he felt a shiver down his spine. That's just his way of saying 'yo'. A feeling came over him, a feeling of coldness, and emotionless ness. Either Ness from Earthbound is now an emotion, or you need a hyphen in this baby. What can only be described as a dark, black, smoke, began to find its way through any spaces uncovered by Alex’s hand. I thought that black WAS dark! Just then, Alex looked up for reasons he didn’t know, at the Obelisk dorm. The second comma could be moved somewhere else. Maybe it was the feeling of being watched, or maybe he being told to, but Alex quickly focused on a specific dorm. OH NOES! Wait, I don't get it yet. Then again, we aren't supposed to get it yet, so I'll just read the next sentence. He saw Jane Saga, long brown hair and all, staring right back at him. Heh, LUV interest! He smiled again, and brought his hand down from his eye. I wonder if it's still possible for him to look cool after doing that eye thing. “I guess now isn’t the time..” He put his head back down, and kept smiling. Well, I don't know if there IS a good time to talk to an ancient evil. “That girl…She’s going to get what’s coming to here some time soon.” Boy, I hope she doesn't so obviously become a love interest quickly!

 

The sun was now fully out, shining brightly. Hooray! Time passage! The still dew covered leaves of the trees glowed in the warmth of the titan in the sky. Hmm… maybe ‘The dew-covered leaves of the trees now glowed in the warmth of the titan in the sky’? The ocean winds where blowing the rainbows of flowers throughout the various gardens on the school grounds. You mean ‘were’ here, not ‘where’. They swayed lightly, releasing a sweet scent into the air. No problems here. Birds flying overhead where attracted to the beautiful aroma of the flowers, and the promise of insects to eat. Were, not where. The insects, of course, were blissfully unaware of the danger they where in as they continued to eat their breakfast of flowers. Were, not where. The calm moment was rudely interrupted. GASP!! WHAT HAPPENED?! With a overdone yawn, Leon Matthews slapped Alex on the back, obviously surprising Alex, who jumped forward from the bench. I’d say split this up into two paragraphs.

“Well good morning creepy guy!” Throw a comma in there somewhere, plox.

Alex smiled, “Leon’s getting started early today,” he thought to himself Change the first comma here into a period, in this case.

“So now I’m creepy?” Of course, Big Nose!

“Of course! Walks at night, going to bed late, getting up early. Ya know, your typical creeper stuff.” Heh, he’s a creeper. He creeps.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh, “Sure, I guess I’m a creeper. That means a lot coming from a womanizer like you, doesn’t it?” Place a period after he laughs.

Leon smiled brightly, apparently amused by this comment WAAAGH, NEED PERIOD!!

“I’m the hunter, and they’re the game” TWO PERIODS!!

“Not a very good hunter, are you?” OOOOH, HE GOT’CHOO!!

Leon looked shocked, in a joking way, of course THREE PERIODS!!

“Why, I’m hurt! You’re going to deny my obvious talents! I’m just ‘reviewing’ them now. Don’t worry, the ladies will have enough love to go around.” Dumb womanizers, always full of excuses…

“It’s not them I’m worried about, Leon.” Heh.

The two laughed, and joked with each other for the next few minutes, before realizing it was almost time to go to class. Oh crap, that Alex kid’s been sitting there for almost… TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! That’s, like, to a kid… FOREVER!! The two went their separate ways, again, as Alex made his way back to the Slifer class. Okay sentence here, no comments.

 

Class was boring, as was expected. But at Duel School, learning is made fun! Being a Slifer student didn’t make it any better. Being as “low” as they where, Slifer students where required to sit through lessons in which Alex frankly could care less for, as he already knew about these things. Were, not where. Were, not where. That sore loser of an exam teacher was the whole reason he was here. Oh yeah, that guy. At least it’s not Crowler! Oh well, what could he do? Give up? He just put up with the lessons, and waited until the class was finally over. It couldn’t end fast enough.

Class finally ended, no surprising lessons, no class clowns, just a few wrong answers, which annoyed Alex. Which idiot said that the Green cards are Synchros? Oh well. The classroom was emptying fast, as the other students had the same thought as Alex, “Get me the heck out of here.” Amen, y’all. Alex was taking his time leaving the classroom; he really didn’t have anything else to do for the day, no reason to really hurry. Though he COULD be sitting on a bench somewhere… He picked up his things, and walked through the door. Remove that comma! It is un-fancy. As he stepped out, he felt a tug on his arm. He looked at his arm. Another arm had grabbed him. Wow. Stating the obvious, much? The arm was dressed in a white sleeve. Sounds weird, somehow. As his eyes traveled down the arm, and to the body, and eventually to the face of this person, Alex noticed this guy had a strange love of white. This DEFINETLY sounds like a run-on sentence. The suit he was wearing what white, along with his smooth, white, hair that was covering his eyes. Was, not what.

“Alex Davis?” the man asked in a smooth, but threatening voice PERIOD!!

“Yes, who’s asking?”

“You’re coming with me.”

The response shocked Alex; what did this man want with him? Uh… yeah, I’m kinda shocked, too.

“And if I say no?”

“You don’t have a choice.” Good job at raisin’ the stakes around here! Now this actually seems

At that moment, Alex felt a sharp pain in his stomach. Ow. He looked down, and saw the man’s fist against his stomach. Ow! He looked up as his vision began to blur, and saw the smiling face of the man, then fell to the ground. OW! WHYYYYYYYY?! Oh, we’ll get to that in a second.

 

Alex opened his eyes; still not quite sure about what just happened. Aw man, he just fell out from one punch?! Either the white-clothed freak is a boxer, or Alex just sucks that much. He had just left class, and then…He looked around, and quickly realized that he had missed the entire day, as it was dark, and the moon was the only dim light around. It’s better to space out sentences, even after ellipses. He sat up, and felt a pain in his stomach again. “That’s right…That man punched me.” Oh yeah. He made his way to his feet, and looked around once again. He was surrounded by trees and bushes; he was in a the woods, or some sort of forest, from the best he could tell at least. ‘In a the woods?!’ OH NO!!

“Well, well, welcome back. I’m glad you’re awake. I was actually starting to worry.” I wonder who that could be…

Alex looked around frantically for the source of the voice. Check behind you! He found it behind him, in the form of the man that had punched him hours earlier. Yeah! Knew it! Alex turned angrily toward the man.

“Who are you? Why did you bring me here!?”

“Oh come now, you know how these things work. The ‘bad’ guy takes the person, and hides them somewhere where nobody will find them.” Oh, so he’s doing this for fun? Or is he a standard villain?

“I’m sorry, but I don’t swing that way, buddy.” Do people still speak like this?

“Oh, such a mind on you child. Come now, don’t be so aggressive.” I’d place a comma after ‘you’.

“You punched me, what else am I supposed to be?” Die?

“If you had simply come with me when I asked-“ Heh, what a jerk!

“Asked? You didn’t exactly give my any choice!” Yeah, whitey! Oh crap, that could be taken the wrong way… I AM NOT RACIST!!

“You could have this much easier on yourself..” Now I know you’ve missed out on several periods, but this doesn’t excuse any.

The man took a step toward Alex. AAAH!! Alex responded the same way anybody else would, Scream ‘rape’? he took a step back “Stay away from what, what do you want?” Missing another period.

The man continued walking toward Alex, until they where close enough to see each other plainly. Were, not where

“Don’t struggle, kid. There is no point. Welcome to new world.” The wonderful world of Disney! Right?

The man raised his arm, and moved his hair out his eyes. Alex stared directly into the man’s blue eyes, unknowing of what going on. The man smiled, and stared right into Alex’s eyes. Alex immediately fell to his knees. He felt his mind going wild; he couldn’t control his thoughts. “What are you doing to me!?” WAAAAGH, HE’S A PSYCHIC!!

“Why, just having a look around your mind. Your family, your friends, and most importantly, your power. Strange, you don’t seem too strong, but you have some ability. You might be of some-“

The man’s eyes opened wide as he took a step back. “Wh-What is this!?” Well, I guess it’s safe to say now that we’ve hit the plot.

”Get out..Now!” Either you’re missing a period or need one more.

“Who..who said that!?” Again. The man was suddenly thrown backward, his powers apparently failing him. Hooray for mental power failure! He hit the ground with a thud, obviously confused. “What are you!?” “I’m a bad-ass, thanks for asking,” said (probably) Tradgodea. I’m still unsure if I’m spelling it right.

Alex stood upright, and smiled brightly. He raised his left arm, and covered his eye. As the dark smoke began to flow upward as before, Alex began to walk toward the man. Why does this remind me so much of Code Geass when I’ve only seen two episodes?

“What are you!? Answer me!”

“Poor man..No need to yell.” Alex’s voice began to grow much darker; “I’ll show you, don’t worry. Just be careful what you wish for!” Period problems! Oh no!

Alex uncovered his eye, shocking the man. His eye was completely black, aside from a bright yellow iris. Black smoke was still forming and rising around the eye. Cool. No, wait… it’s kewl. That’s ten times better.

“So..do you like what you see?” Remember: Ellipses have THREE dots.

The man looked scared, he had never had his powers fail on him like that. Something very powerful is in him. The man got up, and turned to run, he wanted no part of this kid. He COULD try punching him again, since that would kinda make him the winner. This sucker has no pride! Gosh!

“Aww, come on, don’t you want to play? Remember, you brought me here.” True.

Alex raised his arm, and pointed it toward the man. Suddenly, the man stopped, he couldn’t control himself. “What are you doing to me!?” EXPLODE HIM!!

“Come now, didn’t you say you had a new world for me to join? I want to hear more about this!”

“Keep away from me!” Come on, explode him already!!

Alex laughed, he loved this feeling that had overtaken him. He felt powerful; he could do anything. “Alright, why don’t I give you a fair shot? Beat me in a duel, and I’ll let you go unharmed.” Doggonit.

“What if I refuse?”

Alex smiled grimly, “You don’t have a choice.”

The mans eyes opened wide, he was trapped. He tried to calm himself by thinking to himself how this kid has no idea about the power of his deck, and the corporation. Heh. Another error. Man’s.

“Fine kid, you’re on.”

“Let us begin!” Alex laughed loudly, and raised his arms. Everything began to grow darker. The light of the moon faded away, the trees around them disappeared; even the ground below them disappeared. The only visible things where each other. I think you know what I’ll say here.

“What is this1?” And here.

“Don’t worry, this way, I’m the only thing you have to pay attention to.” What a magnificent bastard!

Alex raised his duel disk, and looked directly at the man. “Now then, why don’t we start, Xan?”

The man was immediately shocked. “How do you know my name!?”

“I took a walk through your mind. You’re not the only one that can do those things. Now, like I said, lets get started, Xan.” I think you’ve just made your character the haxorz.

The man raised his duel disk, and two of them activated them. I smell redundancy!

“Please Xan, feel free to go first.”

“Fine, I’ll start this off. You have no idea who you’re dealing with!”

“Trust me, I know more than you think.” I think I like this Alex more than the last one. He’s a much cooler character now, since he’s not being so traditionally normal and such!

 

The two drew their starting hands, and Xan drew his sixth.

“Alright, I’ll start this off by setting a monster face down. I’ll make it simple, and end my turn at that.”

As the card appeared in front of Xan, Alex drew a card. “That’s pathetic. Come now, do something more. Now, it’s my turn, so I’ll summon Malefisized Regulus in attack position.” Oh hey.

A black figure, in the shape of a lion appeared in front of Alex. It’s face was painted to look like a skull, and it’s body was also painted to look like a skeleton.

“He won’t be standing around for long; Regulus, attack his monster.”

The black lion reared up, and roared. It ran toward Xan’s card. Right before the beast’s mighty claw hit the card, an orange, ball like figure sprang out in front of it. It’s three eyes closed, as it braced for the hit. Bracing was no help, as it was instantly destroyed, exploding into a shower of shards. I sense some errors here, but you can tell by the fact that I’m commenting less means I’m liking this.

“Thanks for destroying my Sangan, Alex. You already know what I get to do. Thank you for letting me add a monster to my hand.”

Alex didn’t respond as Xan searched through his deck, and finally picked a card. “I pick my Marauding Captain.”

“Lets hope that card is of use to you. Go ahead, I end my turn.” Oop, ‘let’s’.

“Alright, fine.” Xan drew a card from his deck, and smiled. “It’s too bad this won’t be lasting too much longer. It’s only just begun! Now, I’ll summon my Marauding Captain.”

A man wearing a large amount of blue, and gray armor, and wearing a long, red and blue cape jumped out of the card. He pointed both his swords at Alex, and grunted. Erase the comma.

Alex didn’t respond, he knew there was a reason for him summoning this warrior.

“Now, my captain has a special ability. When he is summoned to the field, I can bring another monster to the field, so say hello to Junk Synchron.

Another creature jumped out of another card; this time, it was an orange, humanoid figure, who seemed to be more robotic than man. Hooray!

“My Synchron is a tuner, Alex. You know what this means. I synch my Marauding Captain with my Junk Synchron to synchro summon my Goyo Guardian!” This duel is off to a great start.

The orange robot-man pulled on a ignition pull on it’s stomach, and suddenly turned into three bright, light balls. They surrounded the sword wielding warrior as it jumped into the air. Three rings appeared around the warrior as it became hollow. A fantastic flash of light blinded Xan and Alex for a moment. The light faded away, revealing a man. He was wearing Japanese armor, and clothing, and was wielding a rope and jutte. It was covered in white makeup, with red makeup covering its eyes and mouth.

“Like you said, he won’t be standing around for long. Goyo, attack his Regulus!”

The warrior began to twirl and spin its rope faster, and faster. It cocked back, and then forward, throwing the rope at the lion. The rope wrapped around the beast as Goyo grabbed on to the end of the rope. It pulled on the rope, causing the lion to roar in pain.

 

Alex’s Life Points: 2900 This duel actually makes the Malefic cards look neat. I say this now, judging by the card you created that just died.

 

“Alex, you might not like this, but when my Goyo destroys a monster, it recruits them to my side, and gives me control of your monster!” Woah, too many commas!

The warrior pulled the rope again, bringing the lion to Xan’s side of the field, still trapped in the rope. Maybe you should say ‘still wrapped tightly’ rather than repeating yourself (for the most part).

“Thank you. You see, when my Regulus is removed from the field, I get to add a field spell from my deck, to my hand.”

“Am I supposed to be scared?”

“Think of it as your desctruction.”

“Fine, go ahead, I end my turn.”

Alex drew a card from his deck, and smiled. “I hope for your sake that your Goyo has another effect, otherwise, this is going to be short! I play Malefic World.

What looked to be stars began to appear everywhere around them. Small, bright lights where glittering all around. It was almost like being in space. Hooray!

“Now I’m going to take you down! I’ll remove a Blue-Eyes White Dragon from my deck from play, to summon the fist monster that will bring your destruction! Now, come forth, Malefic Blue-Eyes White Dragon!” You know, it would be hilarious if he started off a duel by drawing all the high-leveled non-Malefic monsters in his deck? I suddenly thought of that. Maybe you’ll have him use a Card Trader card to go against this weakness in the future, if he takes a tough loss.

A mighty roar echoed through the card. For what seemed like an eternity, more and more roars came through. Suddenly, a massive, white dragon, with black wings, and a black face flew out. It flew up high, and roared once more, looking directly as Xan, who was beginning to shake, not knowing what was about to happen. Eh, I still don’t feel quite fond of some of your card descriptions.

“Now to add to the destruction, I activate Soul’s Repent. Now, my monsters have no effects this turn. Now I can control as many Malefics as I wish, and can attack with them all as well!” To think that this wouldn’t be possible if you had posted this on some other site!

Xan looked on in shock, as his opponent was about to bring a massive offensive against him.

“Now, to make things worse for you, I think I’ll remove two more Blue-Eyes White Dragons in my deck from play, to summon the other two of my mighty Malefic beasts!

Two more of the same dragon made their way on to the field.

“Th-Three of them!? That’s…9000 attack!”

“I know, isn’t it magnificent? I’m not done yet, I have one more card in my hand! I’ll remove another, this time from my extra deck. Say goodbye to Stardust Dragon, and say hello to a much darker version, Malefic Stardust Dragon!.” Ooh, ruined by the odd period! What makes this even worse is how you’ve ruined continuity through using Stardust Dragon. How, you may ask? Well, you referenced Jaden and Chazz already, which means that 5D’s SHOULD still occur sometime in the future. Also Stardust was a card only granted to Yusei. So… explain, or take out the previous references. In addition, how do all of Kaiba’s three only-ones-in-the-whole-world Blue-Eyes come to Alex? So much confusion stems through thinking too hard into things. Also, correct me if anything I implied was never outright stated in the series or just plain wrong.

Another roar echoed out of a card, and again, a dragon flew out. This time, a smaller, sleeker dragon came out. It was white, with light blue scales, and dark blue orbs on its chest. Its wings where pitch black, and white, and its face was black, along with the center of its body. Okay description, nothing to write home about.

“I hope you know that this is the end of you. Now, Malefic Blue-Eyes White Dragon, attack his Goyo Guardian, wipe it out!” (commanded Alex)

The dragon did as it was told, flying high, and opening its mouth wide. A white ball began to glow. It became larger, and larger. The dragon roared, and fired the ball. The warrior tried to brace for the impact, but it was too late. It was obliterated. Meh, doesn’t sound too great, the attack description.

 

Xan’s Life Points: 3800

 

“Now, my second Blue-Eyes, wipe out the Regulus!”

As just seconds before, the dragon flew high, and fired another ball of destruction, this time at the lion. The beast didn’t even brace for impact, it just watched its destruction come its way.

“Now to end this, my final Blue-Eyes, attack him directly!”

This time, the dragon flew low, right toward Xan. It was already ready to fire the energy ball as it flew closer. Just before the dragon ran into Xan, it fired the ball, launching Xan into the air, until he crashed into a tree. The pain was real, he couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He was terrified. Ha! It doesn’t NEED to make sense, you just got OWNED!!

“What’s wrong, Xan? If this is the power of your ‘new world’, I want nothing to do with it! Stardust, attack him, and finish this!” (yelled Alex)

The majestic dragon opened its mouth, and fired three small white energy balls. They formed into one as they hit each other on their path to Xan. Xan watched in horror as the ball screamed closer. I think you should change the second ‘Xan’ into ‘he’, in order to avoid repetition.

 

Xan’s Life Points: 0

 

The dark, calmness of the night was a magical feeling for those outside that night. Nice, but you repeated ‘night’ in the same sentence. The birds had long sense gone off to their nests to sleep. Good. The insects that where still alive from the morning’s harvest buried themselves underground, attempting to get some sleep of their own. … You know the drill, WERE. Many students have gone off to bed, getting ready for another day of school. Some stayed out in front of their dorms, talking to their friends. Some where just getting set for bed. I think next time I’m given allowance to sigh heavily. As the wind quite ocean wind ?! blew the colorful flowers and trees around the school, releasing even more of a sweet scent into the air, a young Alex Davis was walking on a pathway to the Slifer dorms. He looked into the sky, and smiled.

“It’s a beautiful night.” Hooray for killing! Nighty-night!

 

 

 

[spoiler=THE VERDICT:]Overall: This story is a lot better than what I thought I was walking into, mostly due to the start. Then it started getting better. Then in chapter five, you’ve hit your ‘Growing the Beard’ moment, I think. Sadly, you HAVE been making some of the same errors (WERE), though when you get past it, this is a solid story, at least for the subject material. Overall, I made the right decision to look at chapter five.

 

 

[Yankee]

Lol, thanks for the reviews.

 

I read all of yours, WR. Thanks.

I'm glad to see that I'm improving with each chapter.

Yes...I'll work on the "where/were" stuff...

Thank you!

[Pichu]

your welcome! glad to make you happy!

[Yankee]

Yup ^_\\\

[Weather Report - Stand]

Lol' date=' thanks for the reviews.

 

I read all of yours, WR. Thanks.

I'm glad to see that I'm improving with each chapter.

Yes...I'll work on the "where/were" stuff...

Thank you!

[/quote']

Yeah, since I'd already seen something said on chapter one, I thought it'd be a waste to review it again. I'm glad to have reviewed this, even though it took me three hours to add in all the comments. Wow, I wonder how much time I waste on the internet every day... oh well.