Digimon Hopeless Paradise |Revamp|

[Phantom Roxas]

 

So after a multitude of problems, I hereby present to you the revival of my Digimon fanfiction, Hopeless Paradise.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Prelude to Disaster]A young knight's feet scraped the dirt, running as fast as he could. It was Kotemon, holding what he was supposed to deliver close to his chest. Omnimon had specifically instructed that he was supposed to bring it to a shrine underground. It was nighttime, and by now there were bound to be some troublemakers around here, bur he felt confident that he wasn't going to be attacked.

 

"It's okay, Kotemon," he told himself. "Lord Omnimon trusts you, so you can do this. Just be careful."

Immediately he jumped when he found himself surrounded by dozens of ghosts. They looked like nothing more than floating bedsheets with big black eyes and eight sharp teeth. Kotemon recognized them as Bakemon.

"What brings you here?" one of the Bakemon asked.

A little red light started to shine from a black box Kotemon was holding in his hand, so he showed it to the Bakemon. "I'm here under the orders of Royal Knights, to bring this box here."

The Bakemon looked at each other, then back to Kotemon. "You're Kotemon, right?," one of them said. "Just go right in. We don't get many guests, let alone visitors that come to pray." As one of them flew right under the floor, a secret door in the ground popped open. "In fact, sometimes others just want to desecrate the shine, so we keep things underground."

 

Kotemon followed two Bakemon underground. It was dark, but Kotemon was able to make out the shapes of the Bakemon right in front of him, so he didn't fall behind.

"Have the Seven Demon Lords' forces been here?" Kotemon asked.

"Yes," one of the Bakemon said. "Though we've had someone on guard here to drive them away: Gallantmon."

"He's been here? Lord Omnimon didn't want to share his whereabouts when I asked about him. He said that if I got captured, the enemy might make me reveal the locations of all the Royal Knights."

"You fool!" the other Bakemon said as he slapped the first Bakemon. "Now what will happen if someone comes here and catches us?"

 

Kotemon's attention was drawn to a red light coming from the center of the room, but the Bakemon seemed more concerned with slapping each other. Kotemon shook his head and left the two to their antics, reminding himself of why he was there. He could see a round pedestal slowly rise from the center of the red light. Kotemon opened the box in his hand, taking a red crystalline sphere in his hand that glowed with the same light as the pedestal. Kotemon approached the pedestal and inserted the sphere into an impression on it, and it snapped perfectly into place. Red trails on the ground immediately lit up, weaving and turning as they climbed up the walls and reached the surface, meeting into a a circle directly above the pedestal. A pillar of light shot from the center of the circle and connected to the pillar.

 

Kotemon felt a breeze around him as he heard the shrieks of the Bakemon. He shivered, and slowly turned to find the edge of the lance pointed right at his throat. The owner of the lance was a knight covered entirely in white armor with a red helmet in the shape of a dragon's head. To his side, he held a shield. A red cape flowed behind the knight, and the Bakemon fell to the floor, desperate to keep it from touching the floor. Gallantmon stared at Kotemon for a few seconds, only to put his weapon down a few seconds later.

 

"My apologies, Kotemon," Gallantmon said. "Omnimon said you'd be here, but you can't be too careful with the Demon Lords' lackeys running around."

Kotemon sighed in relief before turing to the pedestal. "So, what is the place for, anyway, Lord Gallantmon?"

"Omnimon believes that we should recruit inhabitants from the Outer World. He thinks that they can help us defeat the Seven Demon Lords. I share his sentiment that they need to be destroyed, but I have doubts that humans would be of any help."

 

The Bakemon let go of Gallantmon's cape and flew up behind him, only to find themselves consumed by flames. Kotemon hid behind the pedestal as Gallantmon turned around. Before him stood a six-winged demon with a golden mask. A hand with long nails gripped a staff that carried a skull at it's tip, a red orb gripped in its golden fangs.

 

"Barbamon," Gallantmon said. "How did you find this place?"

"It wasn't that hard," Barbamon sneered as he pointed at Kotemon with his free hand. "I simply followed that little Digimon under the cover of the night."

Gallantmon positioned his shield in front of him. Symbols surrounded the edge of it, and began to glow. "Kotemon, get behind me." Kotemon ran behind Gallantmon, shaking as he held onto the Royal Knight's cape. "Shield of the Just!" A beam of light blasted from the shield and began to close in on Barbamon, who held up his staff.

"Crimson Flame!" Barbamon called. Fire burst from the orb on his staff and spiraled as the flames collided with the beam of light. Barbamon held his staff forward to keep the flames going, but Gallantmon countered by pushing his shield forward.

Gallantmon turned his head toward Kotemon. "Kotemon, run!"

Kotemon shook his head. "What about you?"

"Don't worry. That gem Omnimon asked you to deliver is a key to the Other World. Press the gem, and you'll be taken there. As long as you have that, you can come back here. Find a human and bring them here. You'll receive word soon, so do what you can."

"Giving orders even in the middle of a fight?" Barbamon teased. "You Royal Knights are bossy until the end."

Gallantmon ignored the Demon Lord's taunt. "Kotemon, just do it!"

 

Kotemon hesitated for a moment, but turned to the pedestal and pressed the gem. The world around him turned a bright red as he was surrounded by a pillar of light, but he could make out the image of Barbamon's flames overpowering Gallantmon as the Royal Knight began to fade into a particles of light. The particles flew towards Kotemon as the gem slipped out of the pedestal and into Kotemon's hand. The particles enveloped the gem as it transformed into a metal device. It was red, rectangular in shape, and held a screen in the center with a golden rim around it. Kotemon could barely make out the image of an egg on the screen, but his attention turned to the yell of Barbamon.

 

"The Other World!" Barbamon called out, trying to pierce the red light. The pillar expanded and pushed Barbamon back. Kotemon watched as the squares in the light began to form as the beam turned green and white, and soon the image of Barbamon disappeared. Barbamon wasn't dead; Kotemon figured as such. Instead, he was being teleported. Kotemon felt like he was being pulled into a vortex, and he screamed like he was being pulled down by a hand dragging him down. It was a natural fear, he thought, but he knew what was happening to him. Kotemon was going to the Other World - the realm of humans.

 

 

[.Hendrix]

I really loved it, great work! I only wish there were more to be read. :P

[Phantom Roxas]

Considering how I just posted this, that's all there is.

[.Hendrix]

So? I write out my fiction before hand in Microsoft word, save it and continue it so the reader has a substantial amount to read. Lack of text has nothing to do with the date in which you posted it. Don't get all high and mighty just because you have so called 'experience'.

 

Answer this; who is more competent? An experienced writer that has dabbled along on banter or someone who pours their heart out, giving 110%?

 

I found your tone quite offensive.

[Phantom Roxas]

I was just thinking that if I have one chapter ready, I might as well post it.

[.Hendrix]

Fair enough, but you've got to realise I didn't say that, I was insinuating that I was interested in how far along into the next chapter you were... :/

[Umbra]

So? I write out my fiction before hand in Microsoft word, save it and continue it so the reader has a substantial amount to read. Lack of text has nothing to do with the date in which you posted it. Don't get all high and mighty just because you have so called 'experience'.

 

Answer this; who is more competent? An experienced writer that has dabbled along on banter or someone who pours their heart out, giving 110%?

 

I found your tone quite offensive.

 

You best be trolling, my friend. Phantom Roxas didn't even mention "experience", you were the first one to bring that up. What makes you think he has no intention of continuing this? Just because he hasn't put anything else up doesn't mean he won't - all this means is that he doesn't want to give you something unfinished.

 

To answer your question: The more competent writer is the one who gives their readers content that the writer themselves can be proud of.

 

 

On the chapter itself, I notice a few of the problems from the original that Crab brought up - homonyms along the lines of "plain of existence" reappear as "under the cover of knight", among others. I also find the first sentence a bit... strange.

 

Overall, it's good, but it could be better.

[.Hendrix]

You best be trolling, my friend. Phantom Roxas didn't even mention "experience", you were the first one to bring that up. What makes you think he has no intention of continuing this? Just because he hasn't put anything else up doesn't mean he won't - all this means is that he doesn't want to give you something unfinished.

 

To answer your question: The more competent writer is the one who gives their readers content that the writer themselves can be proud of.

 

 

On the chapter itself, I notice a few of the problems from the original that Crab brought up - homonyms along the lines of "plain of existence" reappear as "under the cover of knight", among others. I also find the first sentence a bit... strange.

 

Overall, it's good, but it could be better.

Sociology: People present themselves in a certain way, those who demand power tend to put out an aggressive tone and deem themselves experienced. Through various posts I've seen of Phantom Roxas he has proved time and time again that he deems himself powerful through behaviour. I'm not going to go digging through posts to prove this as I am extremely lazy and have better things to be getting on with. Also, where did you read me saying; "I don't think you have any intention of finishing this"? Because I sure as hell don't recall writing that.

 

I said "I loved it" so why would I negate that with "I don't think you have any intention of finishing this"...? If you really wish to continue this PM me where I will eventually get through a hoard of PM's and back to you.

 

Also; don't fight Roxas' battles, I'm sure he is perfectly capable.

[Phantom Roxas]

I am, but I'd rather not bother with it, since this thread is supposed to be about the fic.

 

I will admit the first sentence is horribly awkward, as I feel that hooks are among my weakest points. I reworked it to see if it flows better. The "knight" typo was a result of typing "knight" more often than "night". Initially, I kept typing "here" as "hear". What I was mostly concerned with is that I might have retained the overflowing of exposition.

[Umbra]

That was an assumption of mine; I apologize.

[Skyfi]

I really enjoyed reading this but I had a few concerns, I felt compared to your other Fic's this one got straight down to the point. Not complaining, just some friendly criticism. Also I was wondering, why are you rewriting it?

[Phantom Roxas]

I felt it needed a rewrite, especially considering how painfully long it took the original to actually have the main characters get to the Digital World.

[Skyfi]

Yeah, I seem to have the opposite problem, In my own stories the children seem to get to the Digital World by the second chapter.