The Legend of $teve

[Barasod]

Book 1: Dawn of a New Duelist

Prologue:

The date is Sunday, August 29, 2015. A boy wakes up. He has blond hair, green eyes, and loves to play Yu-Gi-Oh!. His name is Stephen Yuki. It is the day of the 2015 Duel Academy entrance exams. Stephen grabs his deck, his duel disk, and his jacket and runs downstairs. "Bye dad! I'm going to the exams!" He ran to the Academy. He dashes through the streets trying to avoid being late. He crashes into his friend Ethan, who is fifteen, green-eyed, and likes to wear a T-Shirt with Sonic the Hedgehog on it.
"Hey Stephen," Ethan says, "You going to the exams?"
"You bet I am!" Stephen says confidently.
"Too bad you'll do better than me."
"Why do you say that?" Stephen asks.
"Well its pretty obvious. You are the son of Jaden Yuki, a former King of Games, you have his deck, and you have been playing Yu-Gi-Oh! since you were three."
"Touche."
"All I got is my Dinosaurs," Ethan says gloomily.
"Well, catch you later."
"Yeah! If I make it in..."
Having lost time, Stephen rushes to to Academy. A person walks right in front of him. They collide and Stephen's deck spills all over the place. The man has black hair with gold highlights and blue eyes. He is wearing a long-sleeved blue jacket with a high collar and amber gems over a sleeveless black shirt with a red symbol and wears gloves below his elbows with an amber gem on them. gives Stephen a Spell Striker card.
"Gee, thanks!" Stephen says with a smile.
"Don't mention it. That card belongs in your deck. I can feel it."
"Gotta run! I'm gonna be late for the Duel Academy entrance exams."
"Maybe we'll meet again someday."
"Bye!"
And so... The Legend of $teve begins...

Chapter 2:

Stephen arrives at the academy and signs up. While he is waiting for his name to be called, he notices Ethan walking out on to the arena.
"Duel!"
The boy Ethan is dueling is named Joe. He starts off by playing a Green Gadget card. With its special ability Joe draws on Red Gadget from his deck.
"I set two face-downs and end my turn."
"I draw!" Ethan says.
"I Special Summon my Gilasaurus in Attack Mode with its effect!"
Joe yawns loudly.

[Master Red]

You have no descriptions what so ever. We have no idea what Stephen looks like or what his personality is like. he crashes into his friend Ethan but that is also everything we get to know about him, again. Descriptions.

The dialogue has no emotions to it, it's just what they say but not how they say it etc.

Again he collides with someone but all we know is that this someone is a man that randomly gives him a card. Again, no descriptions and no emotions to the dialogue.

and finally, the chapter is way too short and since you gave barely any descriptions at all (except for the date and year in the beginning of the chapter which is somewhat uninteresting and barely needed at all) it's also terribly uninteresting.

also, what's up with the [indent] that are written out every here and there in the text?

Sorry, but this piece of text (I refuse to call it a chapter or fan-fic) is just terrible.

[Supreme Gamesmaster]

Mikhail Tal is wrong. This is hilarious. It promises to be the best wholesale trollfic I've ever read -- somehow, it manages to be just believable enough to work. Not mangling the spelling overmuch actually makes it a lot better. Keep it up.

[Dr. Cakey]

[quote name='Supreme Gamesmaster' timestamp='1300230654' post='5075842']
Mikhail Tal is wrong. This is hilarious. It promises to be the best wholesale trollfic I've ever read -- somehow, it manages to be just believable enough to work. Not mangling the spelling overmuch actually makes it a lot better. Keep it up.
[/quote]
This.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[quote name='Supreme Gamesmaster' timestamp='1300230654' post='5075842']
Mikhail Tal is wrong. This is hilarious. It promises to be the best wholesale trollfic I've ever read -- somehow, it manages to be just believable enough to work. Not mangling the spelling overmuch actually makes it a lot better. Keep it up.
[/quote]
This.

[The True Ace Attorney]

[quote name='Supreme Gamesmaster' timestamp='1300230654' post='5075842']
Mikhail Tal is wrong. This is hilarious. It promises to be the best wholesale trollfic I've ever read -- somehow, it manages to be just believable enough to work. Not mangling the spelling overmuch actually makes it a lot better. Keep it up.
[/quote]
This.

[Barasod]

[quote name='Master Red' timestamp='1300135265' post='5073952']
You have no descriptions what so ever. We have no idea what Stephen looks like or what his personality is like. he crashes into his friend Ethan but that is also everything we get to know about him, again. Descriptions.

The dialogue has no emotions to it, it's just what they say but not how they say it etc.

Again he collides with someone but all we know is that this someone is a man that randomly gives him a card. Again, no descriptions and no emotions to the dialogue.

and finally, the chapter is way too short and since you gave barely any descriptions at all (except for the date and year in the beginning of the chapter which is somewhat uninteresting and barely needed at all) it's also terribly uninteresting.

also, what's up with the [indent] that are written out every here and there in the text?

Sorry, but this piece of text (I refuse to call it a chapter or fan-fic) is just terrible.
[/quote]
Thanks, I needed you to tell me that because I thought it was pretty good.

I fixed the descriptions part and I will fix the how they say it thing.

I'm not making the chapter longer (although the others will be), so I'm just going to make it a prologue.