Envoy of Twilight Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 This is my first attempt at a fanfic. Forgive me if it is short, it looks quite long on my phone, which is where I typed chapter one from. Tell me what you think! [spoiler=Chapter 1: Introduction]Brandon awoke abruptly on a Saturday morning. It was his 14th birthday. Brandon is a 5'9 teen who has brown hair and brown eyes. He is a little chubby and cocasian. He yawned as he threw the covers off himself. He stretched, and as he did, his eyes were drawn to a poster in his room. It had the three starter Pokemon that were available in his hometown of Littleroot town on it. He smiled as he thought of which one he was going to choose. He got dressed and ran downstairs quickly. His foster parents had left a note on the table. He ran over and read it. "Dear Brandon, we know we made you wait until you were fourteen to start your journey, and now that you are, we feel that you can take care of yourself. We left three thousand Pokedollars on the table by this note. Goodbye and good luck." Brandon put the paper down slowly. A single tear dropped from his right eye. No party, no gifts, just a notice of abandonment. Brandon laughed a little. "Yea..happy birthday.." Brandon put the bills in his pocket and walked out the front door, closing and locking it behind him. He walked slowly to Prof. Birch's lab. He looked forward to this day for a while, but is was somehow less exciting than he had imagined. As he walked into the lab, Birch welcomed him with open arms. "Good morning Brandon! How are you?" he said with a large smile. Brandon looked at him with a dark, hazy stare. "I've been better..", Brandon said with much depression. Birch looked down slowly. "I seen your parents leaving...they explained to me what they were doing. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't have it. I'm sorry". "I thank you for caring. So, am I to pick my Pokemon now?" He responded coldly. Birch looked up and scratched his head. "Well, I'm sorry to say that all of the normal starter pokemon have been taken. I do have one pokemon left for you that was sent over from the Kanto region. Is that ok?" he said as he walked over to a pokeball on the table. Brandon sighed. "Sure, why not? Everything else is going perfectly today. "Here you go", said Birch as he handed Brandon the ball. Brandon sent the Pokemon out and raised an eyebrow as the pokemon appeared. Gastly.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2 ( Its kind of short )]Brandon knew very little about Ghastly. The most he knew was that it was a Ghost-type Pokémon from the Kanto region. As Brandon stared at the Pokémon with what seemed to be awe, the Pokémon looked back at him with a bland, cold stare. Ghastly seemed bored. So bored in fact, that it began to yawn and obviously think about sleeping. Brandon just shrugged off Ghastly's stare and grabbed its Pokéball. As he called the Pokémon back, it glared at him evily. As the Pokémon vanished, shivers went down Brandon's spine. He glanced at Professor Birch with a concerned look. "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll warm up to you", Birch said to him with a fake-smile. Brandon took the ball and left silently, not really wanting to talk to anyone. Before he could make it very far, Professor Birch ran outside and up to him. "Wait, Brandon! Here's your Pokédex!" he said wearily, as he attempted to regain his breath. Brandon snatched the Pokédex from his hand and smiled a half-smile. "Thanks". He turned around slowly and walked out of Littleroot Town, out into the wild. As soon as he walked out, he saw a few Poochyena run from one patch of grass to another. He smiled. He loved seeing Pokémon playing and having fun. As he looked around, he seen a Pokémon he didn't recognize. He pulled out his Pokémon and checked it. The Pokémon spoke in a mechanical voice. "Seedot, the Acorn Pokémon. Seedot resembles an acorn when hanging by its head from branches. It jumps down suddenly to the surprise of passersby." Brandon smiled widely. "I'm totally catching that."[/spoiler] Chapter 2 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 [b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b] [spoiler=She's a Sp8der][color=#0000CD]In the four months since the last divination, many unnecessary nods to Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series were made, but that's not important right now. In my continuous pattern of claiming to revive this series, while allowing it to die after two divinations, I have stumbled upon [url=http://bit.ly/gCgYE5]"Pokemon - The Sparkman Adventures"[/url], written by [url=http://bit.ly/idyxsz]BrandonSparkman[/url], who has marketed this as his first fan fiction. Fantastic! Already we know that the series is named after part of the author. Of course, I'm exempt from this solely because this is just a review series. What difference does that make? Let's not waste another moment and begin.[/color] [i]Chapter 1 "Introduction[/i] [color=#0000CD]No colon? Not even an end quote?[/color] [i]Brandon awoke abruptly on a Saturday morning. It was his 14th birthday.[/i] [color=#0000CD]"A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 31st of March, is this young man's birthday. Though it was fourteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?" In just the first two sentences and already I can see the unoriginality. BrandonSparkman basically just took apart his name and made it apply to his series in various ways. I may have called this series "Phantom's Divinations", but I'll be damned if I write a fanfic with a character named Patrick.[/color] [i]Brandon is a 5'9 teen who has brown hair and brown eyes. He is a little chubby and cocasian.[/i] [color=#0000CD]I believe that hair and eye color are sufficient, and that height is rarely, if ever, important. To say nothing of the fact that you didn't even spell "Caucasian" right. Quick question, which of his descriptions, if possible, match you?[/color] [i]He yawned as he threw the covers off himself. He stretched, and as he did, his eyes were drawn to a poster in his room. It had the three starter pokemon that were available in his hometown of Littleroot town on it.[/i] [color=#0000CD]And now the fabled lack of capitalization where appropriate has shown itself. Really, is it that hard to write "Pokémon", complete with acute accent?[/color] [i]He smiled as he thought of which one he was going to choose.[/i] [color=#0000CD]He hasn't decided yet? Look, if he's going to get a poster, he might as well plan out ahead of time. Why do you think so many people say "I'm definitely getting _____ when I get the game"?[/color] [i]He got dressed and ran downstairs quickly. His foster parents had left a note on the table. He ran over and read it. "Dear Brandon, we know we made you wait until you were fourteen to start your journey, and now that you are, we feel that you can take care of yourself. We left three thousand dollars on the table by this note. Goodbye and good luck."[/i] [color=#0000CD]This reminds me of [url=http://bit.ly/fYqG5T]the problem Crab Helmet noted in "Spaceon, The new Eevee"[/url], though at least here it's not Brandon's fault and rather his obviously-abusive-but-meant-to-be-loving foster parents. To say nothing of the fact that, as far as we know, they abandoned him and left him three thousand [s]PokéDollars[/s] dollars, either so he could buy ten potions or pay for some food. I sure wish my parents leave me three thousand dollars when they abandon me.[/color] [i]Brandon put the paper down slowly. A single tear dropped from his right eye. No party, no gifts, just a notice of abandonment. Brandon laughed a little. "Yea..happy birthday.."[/i] [color=#0000CD]See, even Brandon is well aware that he has been abandoned, and on his birthday no less. Great parenting! So far we have a boy who was woken up on his fourteenth birthday, apparently only now being able to get a Pokémon, mixed in the drama of terrible parents. Let's see what else this chapter has to offer, and by that I mean "read Chapter Two". Considering how this was written three hours ago, the two paragraphs BrandonSparkman has written would be enough to constitute a chapter, at least to him.[/color] [i]Chapter 2 "The Starter[/i] [color=#0000CD]Though it beats calling these chapters "episodes" for some silly pretentious reason, remember that a good format would either be "Chapter 2: The Starter" or "Chapter 2: "The Starter"". Personally, I prefer the former.[/color] [i]Brandon put the bills in his pocket and walked out the front door, closing and locking it behind him. He walked slowly to Prof. Birch's lab.[/i] [color=#0000CD]For some reason, I believe "Professor" is meant to be written in its entirety. Yes, I know "Mr." and "Mrs." is always written as such, but try and put them effort into this. While I haven't played the Hoenn games, now that I know this story is set there, I guess Brandon's name is meant to be reference to Brendan. That or Brandon is in fact BrandonSparkman's real name. Regardless, if this is indeed a Hoenn-centered fic, then I hope Brendan chooses Torchic. Mudkip is incredibly overrated, although I wouldn't mind if he chose Treecko.[/color] [i]He looked forward to this day for a while, but is was somehow less exciting than he had imagined.[/i] [color=#0000CD]You mean "it", although I actually have to say this is fairly excusable as opposed to the careless use of these kinds of sentence. He just found out that after four years, he can finally get a Pokémon, except his manipulative and obviously evil parents abandoned him on his birthday of all days. At least he has his priorities on the right path.[/color] [i]As he walked into the lab, Birch welcomed him with open arms. "Good morning Brandon! How are you?" he said with a large smile. Brandon looked at him with a dark, hazy stare. "I've been better..", Brandon said with much depression.[/i] [color=#0000CD]Pro tip: The "enter/return" key is your friend.[/color] [i]Birch looked down slowly. "I seen your parents leaving[/i] [color=#0000CD]I must thank you for allowing me the perfect opportunity to introduce you to a "saw".[/color] [i]...they explained to me what they were doing. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't have it. I'm sorry". "I thank you for caring. So, am I to pick my pokemon now?"[/i] [color=#0000CD]"Brandon, I saw your parents abandoning how! I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen, so I just came back here and let you find out for yourself instead of just telling you they had left." "It's okay, Birch, you're still a good friend. Yeah, it totally sucks that my parents are gone, but I want a Pokémon now!" So much for having his priorities on the right path.[/color] [i]He responded coldly. Birch looked up and scratched his head. "Well, I'm sorry to say that all of the normal starter pokemon have been taken. I do have one pokemon left for you that was sent over from the Kanto region. Is that ok?"[/i] [color=#0000CD]Plot-convenient author appeal meant to mirror how Ash received Pikachu! Duck and cover![/color] [i]he said[/i] [color=#0000CD]Funny, that question mark made me think he asked.[/color] [i]as he walked over to a pokeball on the table. Brandon sighed. "Sure, why not? Everything else is going perfectly today. "Here you go", said Birch as he handed Brandon the ball. Brandon sent the pokemon out and raised an eyebrow as the pokemon appeared. Gastly.[/i] [color=#0000CD]That's it. In just two chapters, we have learned that Brandon is a blatant author avatar and his starter is a Gastly for some odd reason. Was Oak really thinking "Birch should definitely give a Gastly to the kids who conveniently have to wait four years to get a Pokémon! I mean, I could probably recommend an Eevee since Hoenn lacks Eeveelutions, or perhaps a Trapinch because that thing is awesome, but a Gastly would be perfectly cool!" And Birch said yes? Why? What reason is there for choosing Gastly? I know I'm a hypocrite because Blake uses Gladiator Beasts and I'm going to do some blatant author appeal pretty much like that in Hopeless Paradise, but the former doesn't need an explanation and the latter is actually supposed to be plot-relevant, but Gastly? I mean, I like Gastly and all, but it just seems like a very random choice for a Hoenn-centered fic. Why not just have this take place in Kanto or give Brandon a Duskull? Nitpicking aside, this is common fare for a first fanfic, and I'll give you credit for actually capitalizing sentences, though Pokémon needs to be capitalize, among other things. The subplot about the foster parents is an interesting premise, which sets up something beyond "Kid goes on adventure with author's favorite Pokémon," but that's it. And just what in blazes is the "The Sparkman Adventures" all about? Is that actually significant, or is just a reference to your name? Just improve your grammar, make these two [s]chapter[/s] paragraphs into a single chapter, add more important events, and you'll be set.[/color][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Envoy of Twilight Posted April 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 ....Maybe writing is not my thing >___> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 I actually applaud Brandon for giving Brandon a Ghastly as a starter. Really, any Pokemon would be good as a starter, and Ghastly is quite original. I'm guessing this is just the plain old "Pokemon Journey Fic," which isn't bad. It's how you present it is what matters. The Ghastly starter thing might put at least SOME interesting thing in the story. There's lots of possibilities. Don't give up as a writer yet. You will grow up and you will learn if you take the time and effort. I suggest not to type stories on the phone, but until you learn the basics, your stories will be mediocre at best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 A Gastly... Or was it Ghastly? Ah well, I won't be picking on fictional species names. I do agree it is a unique yet wierd choice. Phone? Well, explains everything... Do modify it on yar com soon enough... [s]Any Pokemon's a good starter? I'll choose Groudon to be my Starter then![/s] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Envoy of Twilight Posted April 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Well, thanks for the ratings lol. About Ghastly, its supposed to reflect what is happening to Brandon( yes, the name is a play on Brendan). As in, his parents just left him, what better pokemon to feed off that than Ghastly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Good point, Ghost Pokemon can't die.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Death in Pokemon is a really obscure thing from the start. Take for instance Darkai in the movie. Well, he died. Or at least disappeared into obligatory shining light. Then, for no explained reason he revived himself afterwards without any help. Chances are it was just for the sole purpose of making a horrible ending just slightly better. But maybe, if it actually has any logic at all, Pokemon are immortal. So you don't have to worry about dying in Pokemon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tentacruel Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Meh, Roxas already covered everything. Take some writing classes. =3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 [quote name='ADHD-Guitar' timestamp='1301665277' post='5104489'] Meh, Roxas already covered everything. Take some writing classes. =3 [/quote] Or just go to school. You can learn the basics easily in middle school. Also, reading. Read a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Envoy of Twilight Posted April 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Updated. Did I do any better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Still mediocre. Very basic word of advice: chapters in books are normally over three pages. You should hold yourself to at least write that much per installment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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