Cold Shrill

[Ezmoe]

The story cold shrill is about the story of Roman Talus. A kid turn werewolf. This story is told from a 3rd person view.

[spoiler= Characters]
Roman Talus
Place in Story: A main Protagonist
Age:18

Cystal Madison
Place in Story: A main Protagonist
Age: 17
[/spoiler]

[Spoiler= Chapter 1: Reborn]
Roman Talus entered Jaestro Academy. He went to his locker and got all the things he needed. He walked towards his 1st class. While he was walking through the hallways, with a backpack carrying books that together weighed almost a ton. As he was was walking he saw, the girl of his dreams, Crystal Madison. As they walked past each other he said almost choking but hiding it he said,

"Hi Crystal. How's things?" Crystal replied,

"Hi Rome, I am doing well, thank you!" Almost everyone except, the headmaster and staff (but his teachers) called him Rome. Rome went through all his classes with speed and quickness. He had the guts to do something he should have done a long time ago. After school he got his stuff and walked up to Crystal and asked,
"Crystal do you want to see a movie with me?"

"I'd love to watch a movie with you Rome. What movie?" A close friend of Crystal's thought that them dating were a cute couple. She told Roman all the things Crystal hates/likes so he's get her quick and easy. Her movies were the ones that involved sci-fi. Zombies, Vampires and such.

"Clawed Fury, the new werewolf movie?" Rome said.

"Clawed Fury, I have been dying to see that! What time?" Crystal said

"7:30, I'll pick you up at 7?" Rome replied

"Alright. See you" Crystal replied. Rome had butterflies in his stomach instantly. Well later, Rome goes to pick her up, fighting his nervousness. He picks her up in his dad's GMC Yukon. She walks out her car waving bye to her parents, she enters the car.

"Ready?" He asked?

"All set" *clicks seat belt* Then, as once as she said that, they went to the theaters. This movie was intense. You saw a serial killer who was bitten by a werewolf. He went around killing people with his claws and scarfing their organs, not with guns, like he intended to.

After that they got in the car and took a road with apparently no cars on it. Then suddenly, when Rome looked away, had his Crystal pressed a certain button that stopped the car. It made them get out and start walking on a path in the forest she knew.
"Me and my dad used to hike all the time. But, ever since he got that job as a business man, we haven't been hanging out like we you used to." Suddenly she stopped him. Then he asked,

"Something wrong Crystal?" Suddenly Crystal changed. Her spine grew twice as big. Her hair grew all over her body. Her clothes became infused in her body. Making her a furry monster.
She was a werewolf. Suddenly, she bit at Rome's wrist. Rome dropped and started shaking and turning on the ground like he was being attacked at all directions.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you this secret. I am werewolf. I know you would tell. So I turned you into a werewolf. So if you tell, I tell." she said in an explaining voice, "I need you to call me we have to talk about something." * Throws a piece of paper with the numbers 555-6723*

Roman grew his spine bigger than hers. He had gray fur while she had black. His body almost twice bigger than hers.

"Wait how do I change back!?" He asked anxiously.

"I knew you'd ask! Before you do that though look what you can do. Chase me!" Suddenly she ran faster than lightening. Then she ran up a tree using only her back paws. Amazing grip.

"That does look fun... But I need to Change back and get back to my dad's car." He replied to her.

"Alright, what you do is think about it. Which do you choose, if you choose human you must think about your human past and that's what you'll get and vice-versa."

Suddenly, Rome stands up and thinks about his past. Asking Crystal out, childhood memories, even his 1st day of school. Once he thought, He was back to his normal height. His clothes were back, and he asked a question that was quite pointless,
"Can we still go out? [i]Now[/i], were a perfect match."

"Maybe, just keep your mouth shut.." She said

"Will do" He replied like a soldier.

Then he remembers a good perk. He remembers all the pain he went through becoming a werewolf. Once he became one, he ran towards his car. Looked under the engine one more time. He was out of oil. Went to his trunk and got some oil, filled it up, closed it and drove off.

He called Crystal asking if she wanted a ride, she said she rather run. He tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't budge.

As soon as he went home he lied on his bed. He felt different. It was if he was reborn and he was more advanced then humans. He slowly drifted off.
[/spoiler]

[Phantom Roxas]

[b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]

[spoiler=Up to 11][color=#0000CD]Jen is currently reading the past Divinations, and Blake is off tending to some work he apparently needed to take care of. As such, I will once again will reviewing alone. (Un)fortunately, this is a rather short and simple story, so I wouldn't even need their help reviewing [url=http://bit.ly/f3qfOz]Cold Shrill[/url] by [url=http://bit.ly/hCakaB].:Zankogen Sakurana:.[/url]. Apparently the existence of the edit button eludes him, as he posted one topic, but was unable to complete the spoiler tags and made a rather arrogant "How is this fic?" poll with the only option being "Good". In this new thread, Zankogen has learned how to finish spoilers, and has posted a poll with the options of "Good", "Average", and "Bad", and he seems to believe that the poll will change every time he releases a new chapter.

So, what is this story about? Well, I'm certain that Zankogen does not set expectations so low that he finds it absolutely necessary to actually tell us-[/color]

[i]The story cold shrill is about the story of Roman Talus. A kid turn werewolf. This story is told from a 3rd person view.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]…Well, I managed to be proven wrong quite fast. Well then, let us proceed to Chapter…Characters. Oh well, perhaps it is clearly defined and not a further insult to our intelligence.[/color]

[i]Roman Talus
Place in Story: A main Protagonist
Age:18

Cystal Madison
Place in Story: A main Protagonist
Age: 17[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Here's advice to readers: If there is a problem with something that precedes Chapter 1, then you may as well just stop. Chapter Character is entirely unnecessary, especially when you only have two characters in there with the only information being their roles, which are obvious to determine, and their ages, which can be mentioned rather quickly. Fortunately, this brief stupidity allows to proceed to "Chapter 1: Reborn". Will this clichéd title prove to be relevant or will it just end up being a placeholder because Zankogen was unwilling to actually put thought into the chapter title? Let us begin.[/color]

[i]Roman Talus entered Jaestro Academy. He went to his locker and got all the things he needed. He walked towards his 1st class. While he was walking through the hallways, with a backpack carrying books that together weighed almost a ton. As he was was walking he saw, the girl of his dreams, Crystal Madison.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]The very first paragraph and I'm already confused. Who is Roman Talus? What is Jaestro Academy? This is just far too sudden and the story begins at an incredibly random point without properly introducing the character or the situation. The only upside here is that it avoids the cliché of having our protagonist be late to school and encounter the plot, but it's obvious that you put little thought or research as to how you should properly begin your story.

And that was just the first sentence, which wasn't elaborated upon in the following paragraph. While we don't care what Roman needs for class, apparently just writing "everything he needed" was enough to count as describing his actions. Then of course there's lazily writing "1st" instead of "first". Then there's that fragment of a sentence. "While he was walking through the hallways, with a backpack carrying books that together weighed almost a ton," what happened? Oh, apparently that is continued in the next sentence, where we meet the shallow love interest. I can tell that we are in for exciting and original story here.[/color]

[i]As they walked past each other he said almost choking but hiding it he said,

"Hi Crystal. How's things?" Crystal replied,

"Hi Rome, I am doing well, thank you!"[/i]

[color=#0000CD]No, that is not how dialogue works. You're supposed to write the dialogue on the same line as the person who spoke. On it's own, ""Hi Crystal. How's things?" Crystal replied," is incredibly awkward, as it suggests that Crystal is greeting Crystal, which is complete nonsense.[/color]

[i]Almost everyone except, the headmaster and staff (but his teachers) called him Rome.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]So at school, his classmates and his teachers called him "Rome"? Thank you for completely suggesting that his nickname was incredibly common, then immediately pointing out the rather numerous exceptions that create that "almost".[/color]

[i]Rome went through all his classes with speed and quickness.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Apparently "speed" and "quickness" are two entirely different things in this situation.[/color]

[i]He had the guts to do something he should have done a long time ago. After school he got his stuff and walked up to Crystal and asked,
"Crystal do you want to see a movie with me?"

"I'd love to watch a movie with you Rome. What movie?"[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Not even in the most basic of anime stories (At least that is what I am assuming is the basis for your thought process, since I wouldn't expect any different from YCM) does this work. Either he gets rejected, something prevents him from actually confessing, something goes wrong with their date, or some new girl with an actual personality shows up to become Roman's ultimate love interest. Roman's confession is being played up as something dramatic, but it comes across as very casual, and it doesn't sound like he's actually confessing.[/color]

[i]A close friend of Crystal's thought that them dating were a cute couple.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Being a Shipper on Deck like this is practically Shilling the Wesley, and thus I don't care.[/color]

[i]She told Roman all the things Crystal hates/likes so he's get her quick and easy. Her movies were the ones that involved sci-fi. Zombies, Vampires and such.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]I'm not even going to bother with the numerous grammatical errors here. The problem is that Crystal's anonymous friend is apparently very eager to leak Crystal's preferences just because she apparently thinks Roman is good for Crystal. What possessed her to think that Roman would be good for Crystal and thus go behind her back to give him such personal information?[/color]

[i]"Clawed Fury, the new werewolf movie?" Rome said.

"Clawed Fury, I have been dying to see that! What time?" Crystal said[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Alternatively, didn't Roman ever consider that perhaps Crystal's friend was lying? Furthermore, say I asked a girl to a movie, and immediately asked if she would be interested in seeing Breaking Dawn Part I. Who's to say that she is in fact not a Twilight fan, and would think I would want to see it with her would work because she is a girl? Either Zankogen thought it would be clever to sneak a reference to Twilight's demographic, or this somehow ends up being a meta reference to the plot.[/color]

[i]"7:30, I'll pick you up at 7?" Rome replied

"Alright. See you" Crystal replied. Rome had butterflies in his stomach instantly. Well later, Rome goes to pick her up, fighting his nervousness. He picks her up in his dad's GMC Yukon. She walks out her car waving bye to her parents, she enters the car.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]It seems that Zankogen favors the awkward conversations between Roman and Crystal as opposed to actually detailing the events that occur in between, which for some reason have been written in the present tense.[/color]

[i]"Ready?" He asked?[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Are you asking me or telling me that he asked her?[/color]

[i]"All set" *clicks seat belt*[/i]

[color=#0000CD]This is only the first of many unnecessary script-like explanation of actions.[/color]

[i]Then, as once as she said that, they went to the theaters. This movie was intense. You saw a serial killer who was bitten by a werewolf. He went around killing people with his claws and scarfing their organs, not with guns, like he intended to.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]We saw no such thing. We were simply informed of Roman and Crystal's incredibly bland and glossed over date.[/color]

[i]After that they got in the car and took a road with apparently no cars on it. Then suddenly, when Rome looked away, had his Crystal pressed a certain button that stopped the car.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]I'm not sure if referring to her as "his Crystal" was intentional or not, but certainly comes across as rather creepy. Our protagonist, ladies and gentleman![/color]

[i]It made them get out and start walking on a path in the forest she knew.
"Me and my dad used to hike all the time. But, ever since he got that job as a business man, we haven't been hanging out like we you used to." Suddenly she stopped him. Then he asked,

"Something wrong Crystal?" Suddenly Crystal changed. Her spine grew twice as big. Her hair grew all over her body. Her clothes became infused in her body. Making her a furry monster.
She was a werewolf. Suddenly, she bit at Rome's wrist. Rome dropped and started shaking and turning on the ground like he was being attacked at all directions.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you this secret. I am werewolf. I know you would tell. So I turned you into a werewolf. So if you tell, I tell." she said in an explaining voice, "I need you to call me we have to talk about something." * Throws a piece of paper with the numbers 555-6723*[/i]

[color=#0000CD]The writing here is no different from before, but there was know indication to tell and nothing to prompt Crystal's transformation. Once again, this all happened because the plot demanded it.[/color]

[i]Roman grew his spine bigger than hers. He had gray fur while she had black. His body almost twice bigger than hers.

"Wait how do I change back!?" He asked anxiously.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Ordinarily, wouldn't someone either be screaming in agonizing pain or being too busy howling?[/color]

[i]"I knew you'd ask![/i]

[color=#0000CD]Considering how you bit him for no reason and transformed with no explanation, it doesn't surprise me that he could ask such an obvious question.[/color]

[i]Before you do that though look what you can do. Chase me!" Suddenly she ran faster than lightening. Then she ran up a tree using only her back paws. Amazing grip.

"That does look fun... But I need to Change back and get back to my dad's car." He replied to her.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Good to know you have your priorities straight, Roman. I'm so glad you're the hero of this tale.[/color]

[i]"Alright, what you do is think about it. Which do you choose, if you choose human you must think about your human past and that's what you'll get and vice-versa."[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Don't forget to click your heels.[/color]

[i]Suddenly, Rome stands up and thinks about his past. Asking Crystal out, childhood memories, even his 1st day of school. Once he thought, He was back to his normal height.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]The power of bland memories saves the day![/color]

[i]His clothes were back, and he asked a question that was quite pointless,[/i]

[color=#0000CD]Much like how Zankogen asked himself whether this fanfic was worth posting. It's not, and yet he still did so.[/color]

[i]"Can we still go out? Now, were a perfect match."[/i]

[color=#0000CD]"Oh noooooooo, I'm a werewolf! Hey, do you still want to be my girlfriend since we're both werewolves?"

And from that day forth, Roman truly embraced his Furry Fandom.[/color]

[i]"Maybe, just keep your mouth shut.." She said

"Will do" He replied like a soldier.

Then he remembers a good perk. He remembers all the pain he went through becoming a werewolf.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]What pain? You didn't bother to explain that he experienced the pain he obviously should have been in, so how could he remember something that never happened? This nonsense is not Chain of Memories.[/color]

[i]Once he became one, he ran towards his car. Looked under the engine one more time. He was out of oil. Went to his trunk and got some oil, filled it up, closed it and drove off.

He called Crystal asking if she wanted a ride, she said she rather run. He tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't budge.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]So either she runs away, or returns home with her parents wondering where Roman was? If she said that he drove off before she got home, then she would give her parents the impression that Roman is in fact a terrible boyfriend. I'm glad to know that the leading lady is so ungrateful and inconsiderate![/color]

[i]As soon as he went home he lied on his bed. He felt different. It was if he was reborn and he was more advanced then humans. He slowly drifted off.[/i]

[color=#0000CD]That was a lousy, last-minute attempt to shoehorn in the name of the title.

Fortunately, we are done with this atrocity. This was an entirely lazy effort, with hardly enough time spent of giving details for anything, incredibly uninteresting lead characters, and an awfully written romance that was forced and only ended up serving as a poorly written attempt at being a werewolf romance. This was terrible story, and so I will humor you and vote "Bad". Whatever books you happen to be a fan of, I strongly consider studying the rhyming patterns and improve you effort. Until you can so that, then I strongly recommend that you do not post more filth of this kind.[/color]

[color="#9932CC"]Roxas, I finished reading all your passionate reviews! Oh, and I was keeping up with your review just now! I hope I'm not intruding.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]Far from it, Jen. In fact, I have just finished the review. By the way, have you seen Blake?[/color]

[color="#2F4F4F"]I'm right here, Roxas.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]Ah, there you are! So, where have you been?[/color]

[color="#2F4F4F"]Oh, you'll see soon enough.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]I see. Well then, I guess that wraps things up then. Good night, I suppose.[/color]

[color="#9932CC"]Good night, Roxas! I think I'll be going to bed too.[/color]

[color="#2F4F4F"]Take care, both of you. After all, you will need all the rest you can get.[/color][/spoiler]