Sage's Negative ~ Twoson (inFamous: Cole vs the world by Shooting Star Dragon)

[Northern Sage]

[size=4]With the diminishing amount of quality fanfics on the forums in mind, I bring you yet another review series. If you don't like 3-star members criticizing something they probably couldn't do better themselves, nor probably have any idea what they're talking about, then you are in the wrong topic.[/size]
[size=4][spoiler='One Way Accelerator (Untitled Yu-Gi-Oh! 5d's fanfic by frankjoeseph)']For the first review, we're going to take a look at [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/255920-wierdest-fan-fic-ever/"]WIERDEST FAN FIC EVER[/url] by [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/382774-frankjoeseph/"]frankjoeseph[/url].[/size]
[size=4]...Could we get another fanfic please?[/size]
[size=4][quote][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/254711-world-of-disbelief/page__hl__%2Bworld+%2Bdisbelief__fromsearch__1"]"I can't get Bs"[/url] [/quote][/size]
[size=4]No, no, no, no... It's fine.[/size]
[size=4]This story has no title what so ever. So the super exciting first chapter is called...[/size]
[size=4][b]chapter one(this is about how the whole thing started, really boring actually)[/b][/size]
[size=4]...We're in for a treat.[/size]
[size=4][b]The crimson dragon sleeping for centuries felt a disturbance in the world, the barrier between this world and the next had been broken, and someone had sent something, something that did not belong, and it was heading towards Earth.[/b][/size]
[size=4]Yes, this vague doom plot device of vagueness sent by an unknown person really starts sending chills down my spine.[/size]
[size=4][b]If it reached the Earth then terrible things would happen.[/b][/size]
[size=4]More vagueness.[/size]
[size=4][b]Worlds would collapse and people would die, it could not let that happen.[/b][/size]
[size=4]As opposed to the other dragon that guards the Earth and feels that worlds collapsing and people dying is none of its business.[/size]
[size=4][b]For if it did the evils of the world would be resurected and chaos would envelop the world. The crimson dragon flew after it, but he could not catch it, it would land on earth. He would have to use the signers.[/b][/size]
[size=4]The writing here is terrible. MY EYES.[/size]
[size=4][b]Chapter two this is where the plot starts to advance a little[/b][/size]
[size=4]Wait, what? That was chapter 1? That wasn't even a paragraph![/size]
[size=4][b]The marks of the six signers were glowing as the meteor fell, it had been three years since Yusei had beaten Z-one and now everything was perfect, for the time being. But now the meteor was falling and their marks were glowing, and those two things together only meant trouble.[/b][/size]
[size=4]Don't refer to two polar opposites in the same tense. It's confusing. Also, how the hell do they know that the meteor is falling?[/size]
[size=4][b]chapter three, this is three months later[/b][/size]
[size=4]No. That was a plot summary. Those two "chapters" were plot summaries. They weren't descriptive, nor at an appropriate length for a chapter. Have you ever read a book or a short story?[/size]
[size=4]Also, what is the point of referring to something as three months later when time hasn't really mattered for the most part?[/size]
[size=4][b]The meteorite had fallen,[/b][/size]
[size=4]You just referred to this in your second chapter.[/size]
[size=4][b]and inside of it was duel monsters cards,[/b][/size]
[size=4]This really needs some sort of basic, basic explanation. I mean, really, can you say anything else than that they were "inside it"?[/size]
[size=4][b]many many cards, they were sold, and they were all bought by a unknown buyer, nothing had been heard of it since,[/b][/size]
[size=4]Jesus... Does this look like a quality short story to you? Did you ever want anyone to actually enjoy this fanfic?[/size]
[size=4][b]but the landing, as it had become known as had raised the question, is there something else out there? And can it duel?[/b][/size]
[size=4]Obviously it can duel, we're in a universe with it's very basis built upon the card game. Okay, these questions are mildly put, stupid. And nonsensical. What are they doing there? And what's with all the perspective changing?[/size]
[size=4][b]chapter four, just a few more chapters before the duels begin[/b][/size]
[size=4]Right, and the chapters are as short as ever.[/size]
[size=4][b]The cards had been stolen, the person who had stolen them was unknown. but the buyer turned out to be Haldor, the leader of Team Ragnarok, he claimed that he never used the cards, but that they were unlike anything he had ever seen.[/b][/size]
[size=4]Random inclusion of a character that's probably never going to be important again.[/size]
[size=4][b]now it is time for chapter five, which gets it all spinning[/b][/size]
[size=4][b]Today Team 5ds was going to have a reunion.[/b][/size]
[size=4]That was... a lousy excuse for the plot. I mean, you'd think that these apparently dangerous cards would have them... I don't know, do something before 3 months after it happened if they were going to do something anyways?[/size]
[size=4][b]Akiza walked to the old ener-D reactor to meat Yusei, Jack, Crow, Luna,and Leo.[/b][/size]
[size=4]Oh yes, she's so happy to see them again that she's going to kill them with an axe.[/size]
[size=4][b]When she arrived she saw that eveyone but Jack was there, and Leo and Luna were having a duel. "I synchro summon life stream dragon and attack your ancient fairy dragon, GO life stream dragon, win the duel" said Leo Then exclaimed "Yes! I knew you would do that so I set this" Luna activated the sword and shield spell card and switched ancient fairy dragon's attack and defense points. Leo's life stream dragon attacked it reducing his life points to zero. Luna won the duel.[/b][/size]
[size=4]Okay, some stats would have been nice here at least.[/size]
[size=4][b]By then Jack had arrived, now Yusei started talking " last night the crimson dragon sent me a message, the person that stole those cards from Haldor intends to use them to harvest the duel energy of this world to open a portal from this world to an alternate dimension.[/b][/size]
[size=4]THIS YUGIOH 5D FANFIC BRINGS YOU THE EXTREMELY ORIGINAL PLOT POINT OF OPENING A PORTAL TO [s]ANOTHER[/s] AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION.[/size]
[size=4][b]But once that happens this world will die, and their effeorts to save the world from Z-one will have been in vain."[/b][/size]
[size=4]I'm sorry, have I missed out on something in Yugioh 5d's? I was pretty sure Yusei did save the world. Or was this another Z-One that someone else saved the world from? Or is this fanfic just horribly written?[/size]
[size=4][b]"But what can we do to stop it?" asked Akiza[/b][/size]
[size=4]I'm not sure, but I'm afraid it's going to be lots of card games.[/size]
[size=4][b]"I'll tell you what we can do, we can get those cards back" Yelled Jack[/b][/size]
[size=4]He Yelled. He Yelled. He Yelled. HOW THE ... God. This shouldn't autocorrect through Spellchecker, so how did you manage to screw that up?[/size]
[size=4][b]"I wish it were that simple" replied Yusei " I'm afraid that whoever stole these cards has spread them out between his minions."[/b][/size]
[size=4]GASP! The terrifying strategy of spreading cards between minions! This is totally unheard for in a Yugioh! series.[/size]
[size=4]Also, IT'S "WAS" YOU ILLITERATE IDIOT[/size]
[size=4][b]part two[/b][/size]
[size=4]No. I'm done, done, done. This fanfic is horribly written, the author has no idea what a chapter is (or he just wrote it out like that to make it seem longer) and everything in "Part 1" is basically Plot Summary and what tries to, but fails in, hooking the readers and building up the plot, since you obviously didn't care much about the readers actually enjoying the story. [/size]
[size=4]The descriptions are non-existant, the characters are flat as sheets of paper and the plot feels uninspired and out of nowhere.[/size]
[size=5][/spoiler][/size]

[Dr. Cakey]

Growing Praise and Adulation: Episode 22: Dude, Meta

[b]This is Sage’s Negative ~ One Way Accelerator, specifically a review of WIERDEST FAN FIC EVER by frankjoseph, by Sage of Dreams. Confused yet?[/b]

[size=5]With the diminishing amount of quality fanfics on the forums in mind, I bring you yet another review series.[/size]
[b]Yes, Sage of Dreams actually uses this size font.[/b]

[b]Christ, the last thing we need is a three star member criticizing something they couldn't even do better themselves, and don't have any idea what they're talking about -[/b]

[size=5]If you don't like 3-star members criticizing something they probably couldn't do better themselves, nor probably have any idea what they're talking about, then you are in the wrong topic.[/size]
[b]u c wat i did thar?[/b]

[size=5]For the first review, we're going to take a look at [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/255920-wierdest-fan-fic-ever/"]WIERDEST FAN FIC EVER[/url] by [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/382774-frankjoeseph/"]frankjoeseph[/url].[/size]
[size=5]...Could we get another fanfic please?[/size]

[b]<This is where a quote/link to another fanfic would be, except Invision Power now rejects the existence of quote-blocks. If you're curious you can go click the link yourself. God.>[/b]

[size=5]No, no, no, no... It's fine.[/size]
[size=5]This story has no title what so ever.[/size]
[b]I thought it was called [i]WIERDEST FANFIC EVER[/i].[/b]

[size=5]So the super exciting first chapter is called...[/size]
[b]c[size=5]hapter one(this is about how the whole thing started, really boring actually)[/size][/b]
[size=5]...We're in for a treat.[/size]
[b]Hey, this could actually be some kind of meta story that deconstructs the stereotypes of bad fan fictio -[/b]

[size=5][b]The crimson dragon sleeping for centuries felt a disturbance in the world, the barrier between this world and the next had been broken, and someone had sent something, something that did not belong, and it was heading towards Earth.[/b][/size]
[b]...[/b]

[b]F***.[/b]

[size=5]Yes, this vague doom plot device of vagueness sent by an unknown person really starts sending chills down my spine.[/size]
[size=5][b]If it reached the Earth then terrible things would happen.[/b][/size]
[size=5]More vagueness.[/size]
[size=5][b]Worlds would collapse and people would die, it could not let that happen.[/b][/size]
[b]Actually, that's relatively specific.[/b]

[size=5]As opposed to the other dragon that guards the Earth and feels that worlds collapsing and people dying is none of its business.[/size]
[b]Indeed. You have learned well from the Foe Fiction master and those other guys who wish they were the Foe Fiction master, who use constructions like these to point out how unnecessary it is to point out that a guardian spirit wants to protect people.[/b]

[size=5][b]For if it did the evils of the world would be resurected and chaos would envelop the world. The crimson dragon flew after it, but he could not catch it, it would land on earth. He would have to use the signers.[/b][/size]
[size=5]The writing here is terrible. MY EYES.[/size]
[b]Yes. Yes it is terrible. I'm envisioning the Crimson Dragon flying after a meteor or something, trying to grab it, then missing and crashing into a mountain.[/b]

[size=5][b]Chapter two this is where the plot starts to advance a little[/b][/size]
[size=5]Wait, what? That was chapter 1? That wasn't even a paragraph![/size]
[b]Well, I dunno, that's probably a [i]paragraph[/i]. Maybe even [i]two[/i].[/b]

[size=5][b]The marks of the six signers were glowing as the meteor fell, it had been three years since Yusei had beaten Z-one and now everything was perfect, for the time being. But now the meteor was falling and their marks were glowing, and those two things together only meant trouble.[/b][/size]
[size=5]Don't refer to two polar opposites in the same tense. It's confusing. Also, how the hell do they know that the meteor is falling?[/size]
[b]At least as pertinent: where did their marks come from? After the credits of episode 154, the Crimson Dragon absorbed all of their marks.[/b]

[size=5][b]chapter three, this is three months later[/b][/size]
[size=5]No. That was a plot summary. Those two "chapters" were plot summaries. They weren't descriptive, nor at an appropriate length for a chapter. Have you ever read a book or a short story?[/size]
[b]I think call that a "plot summary" is a bit generous.[/b]

[size=5]Also, what is the point of referring to something as three months later when time hasn't really mattered for the most part?[/size]
[size=5][b]The meteorite had fallen,[/b][/size]
[size=5]You just referred to this in your second chapter.[/size]
[b]Also it apparently took three months for the meteor to fall.[/b]

[size=5][b]and inside of it was duel monsters cards,[/b][/size]
[size=5]This really needs some sort of basic, basic explanation. I mean, really, can you say anything else than that they were "inside it"?[/size]
[size=5][b]many many cards, they were sold, and they were all bought by a unknown buyer, nothing had been heard of it since,[/b][/size]
[size=5]Jesus... Does this look like a quality short story to you? Did you ever want anyone to actually enjoy this fanfic?[/size]
[b]I believe in the official Small Meteor Aftermath Plan, the second step involves the government taking the meteor (the first step is one of the locals discovering the crater). Even if we're not going by the books, how do you propose the cards were auctioned off?[/b]

[size=5][b]but the landing, as it had become known as had raised the question, is there something else out there? And can it duel?[/b][/size]
[size=5]Obviously it can duel, we're in a universe with it's very basis built upon the card game. Okay, these questions are mildly put, stupid. And nonsensical. What are they doing there? And what's with all the perspective changing?[/size]
[b]It's all due to terrible.[/b]

[size=5][b]chapter four, just a few more chapters before the duels begin[/b][/size]
[size=5]Right, and the chapters are as short as ever.[/size]
[b]The conversion rate from these chapters to Internet chapters is about 10:1, and the ratio of Internet chapters to book chapters is 2-3:1. Yes, I just made all these numbers up.[/b]

[size=5][b]The cards had been stolen, the person who had stolen them was unknown. but the buyer turned out to be Haldor, the leader of Team Ragnarok, he claimed that he never used the cards, but that they were unlike anything he had ever seen.[/b][/size]
[size=5]Random inclusion of a character that's probably never going to be important again.[/size]
[b]The cards were bought. No one knew who bought them. [s]Haldor[/s] Harald bought them. The person who stole them was unknown. The person who stole them was...[/b]

[size=5][b]now it is time for chapter five, which gets it all spinning[/b][/size]
[size=5][b]Today Team 5ds was going to have a reunion.[/b][/size]
[size=5]That was... a lousy excuse for the plot. I mean, you'd think that these apparently dangerous cards would have them... I don't know, do something before 3 months after it happened if they were going to do something anyways?[/size]
[size=5][b]Akiza walked to the old ener-D reactor to meat Yusei, Jack, Crow, Luna,and Leo.[/b][/size]
[size=5]Oh yes, she's so happy to see them again that she's going to kill them with an axe.[/size]
[b]Sorry, Aki[s]za[/s]'s Tentacle Raping days are over. But why would they be meeting at the old [s]Ener-D[/s] Momentum Reactor? That's like having a Jewish family reunion at Auschwitz. Only with cards.[/b]

[size=5][b]When she arrived she saw that eveyone but Jack was there, and Leo and Luna were having a duel. "I synchro summon life stream dragon and attack your ancient fairy dragon, GO life stream dragon, win the duel" said Leo Then exclaimed "Yes! I knew you would do that so I set this" Luna activated the sword and shield spell card and switched ancient fairy dragon's attack and defense points. Leo's life stream dragon attacked it reducing his life points to zero. Luna won the duel.[/b][/size]
[size=5]Okay, some stats would have been nice here at least.[/size]
[b]This reminds of a quote by someone on Duel Monsters Genesis:[/b]
[quote]it cool game. i summon stardust dragon from extra deck to negate dark hole because no friends in real life[/quote]

[size=5][b]By then Jack had arrived, now Yusei started talking " last night the crimson dragon sent me a message, the person that stole those cards from Haldor intends to use them to harvest the duel energy of this world to open a portal from this world to an alternate dimension.[/b][/size]
[size=5]THIS YUGIOH 5D FANFIC BRINGS YOU THE EXTREMELY ORIGINAL PLOT POINT OF OPENING A PORTAL TO [s]ANOTHER[/s] AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION.[/size]
[b]Why does this person want to do this? Well, you see -[/b]
[b]Magic. Got it.[/b]

[size=5][b]But once that happens this world will die, and their effeorts to save the world from Z-one will have been in vain."[/b][/size]
[size=5]I'm sorry, have I missed out on something in Yugioh 5d's? I was pretty sure Yusei did save the world. Or was this another Z-One that someone else saved the world from? Or is this fanfic just horribly written?[/size]
[b]Hey, Sage, I hate to burst your bubble, but there's nothing I'd like more than to burst your bubble.[/b]

[b]CAN YOU READ!?!?[/b]

[b]It's clearly written (well, relatively clearly) that if this happens, their efforts to stop Z-one would have been pointless.[/b]

[size=5][b]"But what can we do to stop it?" asked Akiza[/b][/size]
[size=5]I'm not sure, but I'm afraid it's going to be lots of card games.[/size]
[size=5][b]"I'll tell you what we can do, we can get those cards back" Yelled Jack[/b][/size]
[size=5]He Yelled. He Yelled. He Yelled. HOW THE ... God. This shouldn't autocorrect through Spellchecker, so how did you manage to screw that up?[/size]
[b]Gonna point out that Jack's "plan" is exactly what they're going to do.[/b]

[size=5][b]"I wish it were that simple" replied Yusei " I'm afraid that whoever stole these cards has spread them out between his minions."[/b][/size]
[b]Told ya.[/b]

[size=6]GASP! The terrifying strategy of spreading cards between minions! This is totally unheard for in a Yugioh! series.[/size]
[size=6]Also, IT'S "WAS" YOU ILLITERATE IDIOT[/size]
[size=5][b]part two[/b][/size]
[size=5]No. I'm done, done, done. This fanfic is horribly written, the author has no idea what a chapter is (or he just wrote it out like that to make it seem longer) and everything in "Part 1" is basically Plot Summary and what tries to, but fails in, hooking the readers and building up the plot, since you obviously didn't care much about the readers actually enjoying the story. [/size]
[size=5]The descriptions are non-existant, the characters are flat as sheets of paper and the plot feels uninspired and out of nowhere.[/size]
[b]ur mom is a flat sheet of paper.[/b]

[b]...[/b]

[b]Uh, okay, so. Sage of Dreams didn't make many errors (just one, I think), but his responses are generally just one line. If he just fleshed out his replies - and didn't write in a giant font size - this would be good.[/b]

FUN FACT: This was edited [i]even less[/i] than the no editing I normally do. Yay!

[Northern Sage]

Ah, thanks. I'll keep that in mind for the future. I'm glad to see I at least did somewhat good. As for the title, the title of the topic was "WIERDEST FAN FIC EVER" however the fanfic itself didn't have any (as evident). I didn't really think of that as the title, and gave it that name for the sake of avoiding repetition.

[Northern Sage]

The next review, the fanfic is not as bad as the last one, but still. Hope I redeem myself.
[spoiler='Twoson (inFamous: Cole vs The World)']
Today we're going to look at [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/254454-infamous-cole-vs-the-world-fragment-added/"]inFamous: Cole vs the World[/url] by [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/165153-shooting-star-dragon/"]Shooting Star Dragon[/url]. I'm going to make a tiny nitpick here and say that the title should be inFAMOUS.
It's better than the last one, at least. And hopefully a bit clever.
[b]Prologue: Cole and the World[/b]
...Scratch that. The author has chosen to constantly refer the chapters as this. It's better than just "Prologue", though. I guess.
[b]Around the world, government helicopters were picking up dead Conduits and returning them to Washington DC.[/b]
Okay, this is fairly decent as far as writing goes. It doesn't make me want to tear off my hair.
[b]Underground, another First Son's Base. The First Sons stole the Conduits' bodies and placed them in pod-like machines. With their technology which is 100 years ahead of time, they created clones of the Conduits. But these ones, were alive. They recreated the Power-Transfer machine and enhanced it, this time with the ability to change normal people into Conduits. One by one, they're manipulating the new Conduits into joining their new cause: Cole MacGrath and the World.[/b]
Why must you quickly disappoint me again? This switches constantly between past and present tense. And what's with all the extra commas?
[b]The RFI, killed Cole, right?[/b]
[b]...Half right.[/b]
You know that it's a generally bad idea to write a fan fiction in a way that only the people who are well versed in the universe of where the fan fiction takes place understands what's going on? Backstory, people!
[b]One week after New Marais, Zeke took Cole's casket, and prepared to bury it in the destroyed Empire City at Ground Zero, the site of the Ray Sphere explosion. Only yet another Lightning Bolt struck the casquet. Before Zeek knew it, the casquet top shattered, and what smashed it, none other than Cole's foot. Cole got out of the coffin, rubbed the back of his neck and twisted it, fixing a crank in his neck. He looked at Zeke, raised his hand "Half as long." Cole stated. Zeke replied with tears in his eyes "Twice as bright."[/b]
IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!
...So, the lightning bolt resurrected him. Is this what the author thinks lightning bolts do in real life or is this some kind of important in-universe plot point that should really be mentioned/explained? Or is this because the author couldn't think of any better plot device?
[b]Chapter 1: Cole, meet the Government[/b]
And since the prologue was pretty short and not much happened in it, let's move on to chapter 1.
[b]Zeke threw Cole the same clothes he wore during the events of The Reapers, Dust Men and First Sons[/b]
PUNCTUATIONS. Also again, referring to something in-universe, probably mostly to avoid having to describe exactly what he's wearing.
[b]"Here Brother, prefered these ones anyway."[/b]
That... doesn't make any sense too. Why was he holding on to Cole's clothes when he was going to bury him and believed he was dead?
[b]"Thanks Zeke." Cole stated as he put on the jacket and changed his pants and backpack.[/b]
Will there ever be a stop to all this "stated" madness? Seriously, have you ever heard someone "state" a thank you before, like in real life?
[b]"Where's the Amp?" he asked. "Over here, hang on a sec." Zeke stated as he left the area and ran towards the boat.[/b]
Is this Crazy Prepared or what? Wasn't this guy, I don't know, going to bury him?
[b]During that time, a Government Helicopter landed in front of Cole.[/b]
”During that time” refers to a period of time previously happening in the story, not the present. That’s ”meanwhile” or ”at that moment”.
[b]A Large buff man walked out of it,[/b]
Ah, the extremely normal buff skin color.
[b]nervously reached for the gun on his belt in case of a need for self-defense. Cole raised his hand and focused electricity into it "Tell me who you are and what you want or I'll fry you like a piece of bacon."[/b]
You know, these electrical powers would have been good to mention somewhere earlier, so that the resurrection or whatever I should call it made some sense to the readers.
[b]The man, now obviously frightened, raised both his hands in surrender.[/b]
If the government knew so much about Cole already, shouldn’t he be that afraid already? I mean, he is a government official, and Cole hasn’t really done anything except showing distrust at him.
[b]"The president wants to meet with you Mr. MacGrath, it'd be wise to come with me."[/b]
See what I mean?
[b]Cole, remembered something John said long ago "My guess is they'll lock you up, and only let you out when they need someone wiped off the map."[/b]
You know, with proper punctuations, this would look really look like John said it. However, now it looks like it could just as well be a cow standing on the island.
[b]"Sorry, not interested." Cole replied.[/b]
[b]The man pulled out his gun and aimed it at Cole "Well then, I guess we can't allow you to go free now can we?"[/b]
THEY’RE THE BEST!
You’d think government officials would be good enough in diplomacy not to reveal that yet, since they can’t really know how Cole sees this. And why...
...Wait. Why did the president even send the official anyways? Didn’t everyone think he was dead?
Still, another plot hole is why did they only send one man if they really wanted him captured, and knew he was dangerous? Even if they only came to pick up the body, they’d at least think there would be some kind of risk, right?
[b]"I guess not."[/b]
...Cole just answered that question. He’s psychic.
[b]Cole replied as he stood still, arms crossed.[/b]
First we have no punctuations, now we have misplaced punctuations.
[b]A gun's trigger was pulled. But it wasn't the man's... it was Zeke's. The man fell down, dead.[/b]
And I who thought he fell down because of heart failure.
[b]The helicopter then flew away before either Cole or Zeke had a chance to stop it. Zeke walked up to Cole and handed him the Amp "Damn feds." is all he said "C'mon brother, let's get to the boat."[/b]
And the punctuations are all over the place.
[b]On the boat, Zeke explained the situation "Some of m'boys in New Marais said that they saw the feds takin' dead Conduits' bodies."[/b]
[b]"You still have 'boys'?" Cole asked.[/b]
[b]"Hey I'm bein' serious here man.[/b]
That sort of question is usually serious.
[b]Now some of 'em think they're probably doin' the same around the world. Hey man, think they're tryin' to revive 'em?" Zeke asked.[/b]
[b]"Wouldn't be surprising." Cole responded.[/b]
[b]"Well, Washington DC?" Zeke asked.[/b]
[b]"And go against the Army, the Government, Revived Conduits and Gangs?" Cole asked.[/b]
[b]"Yup." Zeke responded.[/b]
[b]"Wouldn't want anything else in the world." Cole responded with a grin on his face.[/b]
When the reader is getting annoyed over the repetitiveness of the wording, you’re doing something extremely wrong.
Right, the author added something he called "Fragments: Vision" and since I don't feel fully accomplished like this, we're going to take a look at that too.
[b]Day Two: 1043 Miles From Washington DC[/b]
[b]In the middle of the night, Cole was tossing and turning in his bed.[/b]
Well, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get over to more important things, like Cole tossing around in his bed..? Weren’t we 1043 miles from Washington, and as of the last part of the first chapter, in a boat?
[b]A dream? No...[/b]
[b]A nightmare? No...[/b]
[b]A vision? Yes...[/b]
God, that was painful. Who writes this way?
[b]Cole saw volcanoes all over Washington, a man, around the same height as Cole, was causing it.[/b]
This story would have at least been a bit more interesting if the author had bothered to describe things like where Cole is, where this mysterious man is and overall given some sort of landscape to the entire story.
[b]Destruction just at the snap of his fingers. Cole recognized him, but he didn't know how.[/b]
Normally recognition stems from the fact that the recipient has seen whatever he recognizes, but I don’t know, maybe there are other types of recognition?
[b]"The Beast..." he stated in his sleep.[/b]
STATED? STATED? GOD, this replacement of said that is so commonly misused.
[b]John was The Beast, right?[/b]
[b]Right.[/b]
This is a horrible way to put in exposition.
[b]Was he revived?[/b]
[b]No.[/b]
[b]Lightning storms became stronger as Cole's vision became worse and worse. Zeke ran in and found Cole tossing and turning, he pushed him around, yelling "C'mon man! Wake up!"[/b]
The description of him tossing around in his bed is officially wrong. Why is it even there?
[b]But it didn't work.[/b]
[b]Cole finally calmed down... but, started up again, worse this time. A lightning bolt struck the boat, destroying the engine and severely damaging the entire boat.[/b]
[b]It was sinking.[/b]
[b]Zeke grabbed Cole, and jumped out the window.[/b]
Okay, so it’s a boat with cabins? That would have been good to put somewhere before this to avoid, I don’t know, confusion?
[b]20 yards away was the shore. Zeke managed to keep Cole dry as he made it to shore, but passed out immediately when he climbed onto shore.[/b]
[b]"The Beast." Cole stated in his sleep, once again.[/b]
Again with the ”stated”. Which proves that it wasn’t a mistake by the author, but rather that he thinks it’s the correct way to use the word.
Okay, time for my five cents: It’s not half-bad, but there are more plot holes than in a swiss, incorrect grammar and other things that makes it harder to read spread throughout. The story isn’t made for anyone new to the series, therefore limiting the number of people who can fully enjoy the story.
...
[i]In the middle of the day, I was tossing and turning in the chair.[/i]
[i]A video? No.[/i]
[i]An image? No.[/i]
[i]A comment? Yes.[/i]
[i]I saw flaming all over YCM, a user, at the same rank as I, was causing it.[/i]
[i]”The troll” I stated in my agony.[/i][/spoiler]