Spirit of DMG Posted August 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 I wonder when people will start noticing the song references buried in each chapter... Oh, put up Chapter 5, BTW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 Lol, DL spacin out xD I liked the bit with the hammer; it is kind of a weird weapon to go with. And interesting how you seem to be making Calvin's role in this bigger, I can dig it. Although, I think it would have been better if we saw the FTK's first mission in detail. It's an important occasion, so it'd be interesting to see how exactly they managed to play it off so well. Also, during El and DL's spar, you're supposed to make a new paragraph when the other person talks, even if it's just a sentence. And Aa'une came out of nowhere during Calvin's broadcast, he needs to be introduced into the scene rather than casually mentioned at the end. But good chapter, keep it up DMG. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 I think instead of saying "yesterday" you should probably say "the day before" to prevent the third person narration from sounding like a first person one And while the Kamon (did I spell that right?) Kills was a nice touch, it probably could've been brought up in a dialogue instead of parenthesis All in all, it was very good and it had a lot of new plot elements and wasn't too long or too short. I kinda got confused at the lunch scene where the masked man (not Batman or anime batman (Zero)....or Hei for that matter 0.0) comes on the television. Was that Donovyn or was that some guy from the Inactive (most likely Life)?[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1345835057' post='6012109'] Also, during El and DL's spar, you're supposed to make a new paragraph when the other person talks, even if it's just a sentence. [/quote] I thought that was only one way of writing? Well, regardless, I think you're since DMG was writing that way before, he should probably keep consistent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted August 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 Hmmm... Didn't I explain that? Well, if it wasn't revealed yet who the guy in the gold mask was, then it will be I the next chapter. Thoufh I thought I already talked about the Knights in their mission garb. I'll have to check on that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted August 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 I know how long you've been waiting for the new chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted September 2, 2012 Report Share Posted September 2, 2012 Gracias for the new chapter I had the re-read the last part of five and the beginning of 6 since I was kind of lost as to what the situation was, but I think I've got it now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted September 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2012 Chapter seven is an action-packed chapter full of Ninjas, Knights, and Muffins! Wait, what do you mean Chris doesn't have a Muffin Button? Who writes this? What, I do? Are you sure? Huh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted September 13, 2012 Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 ABOUT DAMN TIME FLANDRE MADE A CAMEO I'm a little curious though, how much of this did you plan out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted September 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 Ummm... that defines how you define plan out. I mean, I know where I want the story to go, but as for how it gets there... that's the same way I did all my stories. However I feel it needs to go at the time I'm doing it. I knew all along I wanted Flandre to make an appearance, I just didn't know how I wanted to go about doing it until I started writing the chapter. Don't worry, you'll see more of him later. In fact, the next few chapters, you may be surprised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted September 14, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2012 Okay, I'm gonna be leaving for a while on Sunday and won't be able to post, so I just went ahead and posted everything I had written up til now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 CARD GAMES ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS MAN but seriously, using the same plot device of Life in the original DEF? o-0" Wasn't there a better way to elaborate/explain how Mikara will black mail the Mods? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 That candy shop scene... Actually, seismic generators making the city into a sinkhole isn't a bad idea. More realistic than a global nuke at least. Kinda confused on what's going on and went on in the past though >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted September 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Horay for wifi. Still don't have my lap top. But, Fusion: Maker was name president of Kaiba Korp. Pegasus offered a merger, which Maker declined. This aided Pegasus to hire Muramasa, Mikara's brother, to sabotage Kaiba Korp, in order to eliminate competition. Maker found out what Muramasa was doing, ad had him arrested, and thusly killed, via the Death Penalty. Now Mikara, as well as having been fired for this job, is taking it very personally as a revenge mission. Kira, Trio of DEF Alternate Universe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 [quote name='Nmbr101:DonovynMikaraGerra' timestamp='1347849994' post='6026468'] Kira, Trio of DEF Alternate Universe. [/quote] I wasn't talking about the in-story scene I meant the choice of seismic generators Although Fuse already commented that it was more realistic than the original though inb4thefirepantsbecomesameme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted November 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 and, part 2, at your service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Kinda loled at "The transvestite leaped down" or whatever it was, because I thought you were describing DL for a second xD Course he'd keep them in their underwear... Ah I missed this, good to have it back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted November 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you very much, Fusion. It's always good to get your comments on my work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1353899919' post='6078128'] Kinda loled at "The transvestite leaped down" or whatever it was, because I thought you were describing DL for a second xD [/quote] And I thought he was talking about Mikara either way that was some weird wording bro xD Here's a question though, will Part 2 be as long as Part 1? You seem to be edging pretty close to a finale even though you [i]just[/i] started Part 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 True, I was picking up some vibes that you're nearing towards the end as well. Whether you are or not is fine, just pointing it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted November 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 AAAAAAAND... Updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Colonel Remo Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 You know, it just occurred to me, since the News section is always locked save for admins, it could've been used to make YCMaker that much more "evil" or at least morally ambiguous (kinda like Bleach's Soul King except more evil and less ambiguous) DMG, you also didn't really answer our questions about Part 2's length? and it almost seems like Remo was never in the Banned in this one-shot ;_; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted November 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 Don't worry, Remo. You will be seen again. And, as for Part 2's length, yes, I will make it equal in length to Part 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 I have a bad feeling about what'll happen next... That was an amusing family dinner though. I think I'd die if my parents were actually like that >> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spirit of DMG Posted December 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Y'all ready for Chapter 13 yet? Hope so, cause it's up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted December 5, 2012 Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Well...that happened. I love how no one questioned Creator about all those Ultima plans when they found out those were his warehouses. And Remo cannot catch a break, it's great. But wouldn't Yazul feel compelled to have someone go get Pichu after hearing Remo just left him unattended in the road? Chris' death scene was actually unexpected and a nice twist. But...it didn't have the best execution. After he gets stabbed, what happens is Ninjew goes to slash her, but stops when Rosa gets in the way and dotes on him (and calls him an idiot, nice thing to say to someone after they were mortally injured). But while all this is happening, what's Karin doing? Wouldn't she make a move to stab Rosa, or maybe attack someone else? Because the time between that and her snapping out of her trance is too much time to be left unattended. And what the hell was everyone else doing, Daisuke was the only one noted to be fighting Kana, so why would they all just be standing there? Aside from that, good stuff and I'm interested in seeing where the story's gonna go from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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