Take to the Skies! A Story Continues! Chapter 1 is up, feedback very much appreciated.

[ZeRainbowDash]

[spoiler=Prologue]

 

"Hello my friends, if you could spare me only a little of your time, and i will spin you a tale. A tale of adventure, of flight, and most importantly, of Dragons. Ages ago, our kind dwelt in the skies, far above the surface of this world. We harnessed the power of flight, and mastered the art of building in the clouds. Some say it was magic, others say our distant ancestors had technology we could never dream of. No one knows exactly how the cities in the clouds were built. Every person believes differently. But listen now as i tell you of the Fall..."

 

It was night-time and the stars were shining, constellations glimmering in the midnight sky. Far above the surface of Erymor, the city of Fahrendair gleamed with the bright lights of the moonstones. The streets were still bustling with people buying this, and going there. The quiet lanes and busy thoroughfares of the city were well lit from stones set in pillars lining the roads. Near the edge of the city, in a small house on a quiet street, a beautiful young woman watched the silent stars. 

 

She couldn't have been more than twenty cycles, and her long, thick red hair curled around her shoulders, falling to the small of her back. Large, luminescent green eyes were set above a button nose and her full lips. She was slender, and of average height. She leaned against the sill of her window. She sighed softly, thinking how wonderful it would be to see the surface far below, despite the elders proclamations of the evil heathens and dangerous beasts that dwelt there.

 

"Kay, come on in and close that window; you'll catch a cold standing there in only your nightgown!" came the loud, strident voice of her Aunt Mai.

 

"Yes, Auntie," she called back. "One day I'll see what's down there!" she whispered to herself as she shut the window and turned away.

 

Just as she closed it, a winged shape materialized from the darkness of the sky, and the silence was broken by an ear-shattering roar. Kay let out an involuntary scream and spun, her hair making a bright red arc behind her back. The roar came again, sounding vengeful and powerful. She wrenched open the window and screamed. 

 

A massive beast hovered in the air above her house. It was a deep blue, almost black int eh light of the moonstones. As she watched, it turned its head and roared again, lashing its barbed tail at the houses below. The streets darkened as it smashed the pillars with the moonstones set into them. It turned and looked directly at her, and she could see the cold intelligence in its eyes, along with an all consuming hatred that was plainly directed at her.

 

"Al nehrak skudeveir?" it snarled, and Kay almost screamed again when it spoke, for not only was it speaking, its words were directed at ther.. "Al enkraith deveir, Curaithnir?"

 

"I... don't understand!" she gasped, almost incoherent with fear.

 

"Has it been so long you have forgotten our tongue, Mortal?" it asked, its deep voice echoing down the streets. All throughout the city alarms were going off, and the sound of terrified screams echoed through the air.

 

"I dont know what you're talking about!" she whispered.

 

"Da skudevier! The Dragontongue! Has it been so long you have forgotten the deveir, the Dragons?"  It roared, and lashed its tail again, taking the roof from a nearby house.

 

"I... don't know," she whispered, then screamed for a third time at what sounded like an explosion. she spun, and took off down the hall t her parents room She stopped short of her aunt's doorway when say the door had been ripped off its hinges, along with a good bit of the house. She rushed to the stairs and almost fell down them in her haste. Kay slammed the front door open and ran into the streets. She froze when she saw the devastation the dragons had caused... entire houses were leveled, countless more were on fire, and she heard the terrified screams that echoed through the air thick with smoke.

Suddenly she heard her name being called. As if in a dream, she turned and saw her neighbor Merla running towards her.

 

“Kay!” she called. “What are you doing just standing there?”

 

“I…” she said, unable to say more. “What…?”

 

“Hush, love. Just come with me. We must go to the Citadel.” Suddenly a tremor went through the city. Kay staggered, unable to keep her balance as the city itself shuddered. “What’s going on?” Merla shouted.

 

Kay screamed as the entire city listed to the side. Then it began to fall…

 

Fahrendair fell through the night sky slowly, gaining speed as it fell. Kay’s hair whipped around her as if in a gale.  The stars grew distant as the city fell through the clouds, and the air grew hot around them. A great boom sounded as it crashed into the ground. Dust arose in a massive cloud, and many buildings collapsed instantly. The last thing Kay saw before she blacked out was the distant shape of a dragon, and then darkness.

 

Kay’s eyes flickered open, and she sucked in a deep breath. The air was hot and heavy, clogged with moisture. It felt harder to breathe for some reason. It’s never been this hot in Fahrendair, she thought. Then suddenly she remembered. The sight of the stars growing distant as the city plummeted from the sky, the smell of burning houses, the sound of the flames, and the sight of the dragon winging away as the city fell from the sky. She looked at them, but couldn’t see them.. the sky was a light blue, and clouds drifted across. The sun burned, and heat assailed her.

 

“Where am I?” she muttered. “It’s so hot…” She looked around. there was no one in sight, and smoke curled up from the shattered buildings. She climbed shakily to her feet and looked around. She stopped, and gazed around. Everything was so different here… the trees reached high into the air, and mountains reared their crowned heads in the far distance.

 

“KAy! There you are,” came a voice from behind her, causing her to jump about a foot in the air. It was only Cyra, her best friend. “I’ve been looking all over for you. The entire city fell out of the sky.”

 

“How though?” Kay asked. “We were always told there was no way the city could ever fall.”

 

“Well it looks like we were wrong. What were those flying things from that night?”

 

“Dragons,” Kay answered, so softly she could barely hear herself.

 

Cyra leaned forward. “What? I didn’t hear you.”

 

“What? Oh it was nothing. just me rambling.” Kay told her, her mind buzzing with fears of how they could survive down here in this thick air and tall trees that blocked the stars.

 

[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Chapter 1]  “There you go,” the old man said grandly. “The story of the Fall.”

 

“But where is the city that fell?” The question was posed by a pretty girl with long red hair.

 

 

“Ah, that, nobody knows. But legend has it that it still lies in ruins, buried beneath the earth, waiting for some brave soul to find it.”

 

 

“And where did the dragons go?” she asked, curiosity evident in her voice.

 

 

“Ah, curious young Leyanne. Always asking questions. No one knows. Some say they took the cities in the sky as their own. Others say they died ages ago. Others maintain that they never existed at all.” the storyteller answered, pushing his long white hair out of his face.

 

 

No one knew exactly how old he was, or where he came from. He just appeared one day, telling his stories and legends. Leyanne loved to hear him talk, how his voice changed when he began to spin his tals, drawing them into the world he was describing. She saw his words, and felt sorrow when he finished.

 

 

“That’s it for now,” said the old man. “Thank you, friends, for giving me your time. I thank you and bid you good day.” The crowd that had built up around him dispersed, going back to work, or home or wherever they needed to be. Soon, only Leyanne remained. “Ah, young Leyanne. What can I do for you, young one?”

 

 

“Why do you tell these stories?” she asked. “Surely you can’t enjoy spreading tales of sorrow and death?”

 

 

“Perhaps. But I tell them because they must be told. Lest we forget,”  the old man said, looking towards the sky longingly. “You are the spitting image of Kay.” he told her.

 

 

“Who?”

 

 

“Ah, you haven’t been told? The girl of my story, of my history, you are her mirror image.” Leyanne shook her head.

 

 

“No, I was never told. How do you know what she looks like?” She asked.

 

 

“Ah, now if I told you that, there would be no surprises left for you.” the old man said, tipping her a wink. “Now, I believe my tea is calling me name. ‘Jormun’ it calls ‘come to me’” She laughed, a clear. musical laugh. Jormun smiled, as a grandfather might, with decades of kindness and wisdom.

 

 

“Leya!” she turned, and saw her friend Bran coming towards her. “What’re you doing?”

 

 

“Talking to the storyteller,” she said, turning to point. But Jormun was gone without a trace. He had disappeared in the few seconds it had taken for her to reply to Bran.

 

 

“Storyteller? That old coot? He’s off his rocker, and no mistake about it!” he said, a big smile on his face.

 

 

“He’s not a coot! she said, swatting Bran on the shoulder. “And he’s not crazy either!”

 

 

“He is, and you know it,” Bran said. “Want to go fishing?”

 

 

“No, I’m tired, I want to sleep.” she said, politely refusing. He was always trying to get her to go fishing, or running in the woods with him, but she had no desire to go with him. She turned and made her way home, lost in thoughts. Was it just a story? Or were there really cities floating in the sky? Also, were there such things as dragons? Were they truly evil? Everyone had been told when they were little that if they weren’t good, the dragons would come and take them away. They were regarded as bad luck, pure evil, the be all and end all of destruction.

 

 

She arrived at the house, and found no one home. Not wanting to sleep, she left the house and went toward the forest. She often walked in the trees, feeling as though they understood her, with their quiet acceptance of the world knowing they could do nothing about it. They calmly accepted her. Lost in her thoughts, she suddenly realised she was farther into the trees that she was deeper than she had ever been. She stepped into a clearing, and her eyes were drawn to a perfect oval stone half buried in the fallen leaves. She moved cautiously over and knelt down by it.

 

 

“What is it?” She whispered. She hesitantly put out her hand and touched it, then snatched her hand back. She brushed the leaves off of it, then gasped. It was a deep black, marbled with orange, smooth and perfectly shaped. She nudged it, then when it didn’t react she gingerly picked it up, and turned it over in her hands. It weighed several stones, and was smoother than a shooter in a game of marbles.

 

 

She stood, wondering whether or not she should take it home. Was it worth anything? Was it even natural? It seemed to have an aura of age and experience, even though it was a stone… Suddenly it moved in her hand. She yelped and dropped it. It hit the forest floor with a thud, and just sat there. Leya knelt, and cautiously lifted it, holding it in both hands, turning it over and examining it. The black and orange stone just rested in her hands impassively, and it seemed to be appraising her, although she knew that it was impossible for a stone.

 

 

She turned and walked home, the stone still clasped to her breast. When she got back home, she placed the stone on the shelf beside her bed, and sat down, studying it intently. Where did it come from? Why did she of all people find it? She had walked in the woods often, and had never seen another stone even close to it. It was beautiful and mysterious. She felt something like intelligence in it… something no rock should make her feel. It was uncanny and she didn’t understand it.

 

 

Maybe Jormun would know what the stone was. She considered taking it to him, but she had a strange feeling that she shouldn’t show it to him. She headed back home, with the mysterious stone held to her breast.

 

 

 

She arrived at home to find her mother Aelise in the kitchen kneading dough. “Hello, mother,” she said.

 

 

 

Her mother looked up and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Oh hello, Leya. Where were you?”

 

 

“I listened to a story and took a walk in the woods,” she answered.

 

 

“What is that you’re holding?” her mother asked, curiosity evident in her voice.

 

 

“Oh, it’s just a stone I found in the woods,” Leya answered, showing the stone to her mother. “I thought it looked interesting so I picked it up. MAybe it’s worth something”

 

 

“Oh, okay. It’s definitely pretty,” her mother answered. “What are you going to do with it?”  

 

 

“I’m still not sure,” she answered. She didn’t think she would sell it or trade it. It just felt wrong to get rid of it. It was like some part of her subconscious was telling her she should keep hold of it.

 

 

 

 

That night, she laid in her bed, staring at the stone. She followed the marbled orange pattern that swirled across the perfectly smooth black surface. They seemed to draw her in.

 

 

 

 

“Hello,” The word resonated in her mind and she jerked back, looking wildly around, trying to locate the source of the voice.

 

 

“Who’s there?” she asked, glancing everywhere as she tried to find the speaker. “Where are you?”

 

 

“Right here” the voice said. It was unmistakably male, with a resonance that seemed to have a melody to it, a deep bass rhythm.

 

 

“I don’t see anyone,” she said. “Where are you?:

 

 

Suddenly the stone rocked forward, almost falling off the bed. She watched as a deep crack ran across it, the yelped when it shattered, sending fragments of shell flying everywhere. It was shell, she realised. It was an egg…

 

 

A dragon egg.

 

[/spoiler]

 

 

Hello YCM! Her is Chapter 1 for you, as before I'll take all constructive criticism, and I want to thank Pika/Assault mode for helping me out with this story. He gave a logical way for the people to get to the ground, although I did edit his idea slightly. But here you go, and chapter 2 should be up with in a week or so. I'm trying to pump out a chapter a week

[ZeRainbowDash]

ba bump

[ZeRainbowDash]

and so  we bummp

[ZeRainbowDash]

and a third bump.  come on guys... i really need some feedback

[The Warden]

Sighe, I'll point out the obvious.

 

See, there isn't much to really go on as far as your story is concerned. With such a short moment and also this simply being 'dragon crushes' town, this is simply too insubstantial to give a decent opinion.

[ZeRainbowDash]

i am currently debating on how to go about bringing the people down from the sky, and thats why i havent been posting, also a little unsure about the rules. i checked out the thread with them, but they were unclear about posting new parts. it said not to make new threads for new parts, but what else do ido? post it in the comments section? the rules are lust kinda confusing. Or i may be overthinking it and confusing myself.

[Catterjune]

Spelling and grammar:

The story is... readable, and there weren't any glaring typos until the very last paragraph where it looks like you typed it our on a cellphone or something. And not a smart phone, where everything would have been spell checked, but one of those older candybar-style phones where you have to press the number 4 twice to get the letter H.

Style:

It's a bit simplistic. "Hi" said [Blank], the [description] looking young [gender]. It's not really bad, just... simple. I prefer a simplistic style over a hundred and one quotations though. As the prologue it's meant to be a quick glimpse into a scene, and for that the simplistic style works.

Story and characters and stuff:

Eh, story's a little cliche. Character who is some sort of reluctant hero, destruction of a city, but there's a reason cliches are used. I don't really understand why dragons are wrecking a flying city, or why I should really care about this city or what kind of city it is, what kind of defenses it migth have, etc etc. I don't see any reason to the dragons' actions or any repricussions, but I guess that's the point since it's just a prologue. I don't like having "it's just a prologue!" as an excuse.

Over al it's an okay introduction to what seems like it could be a passable story, but I think I may have a bias just because I think dragons are cool and if you had written about wizards showing up and wrecking stuff I'd probably not be as entertained. It sounds like an interesting (to me at least) kind of world, though... no real story has been mentioned so far.

i am currently debating on how to go about bringing the people down from the sky, and thats why i havent been posting, also a little unsure about the rules. i checked out the thread with them, but they were unclear about posting new parts. it said not to make new threads for new parts, but what else do ido? post it in the comments section? the rules are lust kinda confusing. Or i may be overthinking it and confusing myself.

Post the first chapter or introduction or whatever as your first post. Second chapter should be a reply to the main thread. Feel free to edit and update your first post with a link to the most recent chapter, or a table of context to keep track.

If it sounds like I'm speaking gibberish, just look at someone else's fic as an example and see how they organized their chapters.

[ZeRainbowDash]

wouldn't it be cleaner to just edit the main thread and add whatever i do i spoilers on the main post?

[ZeRainbowDash]

Well the reasons the dragons are wrecking the city as because they used to live in the skyways, but the humans drove them away, which is why the dragon asked Kay if she remembered the deveir, or the dragons. I am actually developing a full dragon language for this, which won't come into play later. but my biggest problem is figuring out a believable way for the people to get to the ground. A suggestion would be amazing, as long as it doesn't consist of "you jump, end of story" The city itself has no defenses, as they had nothing to guard against. The basic plot is a descendant of Kay is born a few centuries later who is pretty much her twin. Also maybe a bit cliche, but it is what it is. Anyhoo, she decides she wants to see the skyways, and look to see if the people can return. the reason i chose to have dragons destroying it is to set up a key plot point. Dragons are considered bad luck, evil, the harbingers of destruction to these people. But Kay's descedant (who still has no name as of yet) finds a newly hatched dragon that she keeps for her own and raises in secret. When the dragon has grown, she takes it to the ruling council and shows it to them and asks permission to go and visit the skyways. But she is obviously denied, and is exiled when she refuses to kill the dragon. In this first book( I say book tentatively, as I hope that's what it will become) she is wandering from city to town and back looking for a way up to the skyways. Suggestions would be welcome for that as well. I would rather not have it be like Final Fantasy where the hero gets a floating boat.

 

As for typos, there will probably be a few as I'm using a crappy laptop m y school gave me

[Catterjune]

wouldn't it be cleaner to just edit the main thread and add whatever i do i spoilers on the main post?

You can do that if you want, but most people don't because there's a character limit on YCM posts, so you don't wanna get into that and find out you have to make a second post half way in anyway.

but my biggest problem is figuring out a believable way for the people to get to the ground. A suggestion would be amazing, as long as it doesn't consist of "you jump, end of story"

Depends how you want to characterize the dragons and how you want your story to go, I guess...

The dragons are bloodthirsty savages who want revenge:

They wreck whatever keeps the city floating. City crash lands on earth. Ninety nine percent of the city dies immediately on impact. Of the reamining population, 99% of THAT dies of easily treatable infections, malnutrition, and just being dumb fucks who couldn't figure out how life on solid ground worked. The remaining 1% of 1% struggle to survive but eventually carve some sort of civilization on the ground. This eventually leads into whatever.

The dragons are noble and just want to make humans GTFO:

With the help of whatever-her-name-is, they're able to negotiate a temporary ceasefire. The dragons promise to spare the humans' lives if they GTFO and go to solid ground. Humans reluctantly agree, because it's either fighting and losing or surrendering but living to fight another day. The dragons ferry them back to earth (possibly with tragic consequences if the humans decide to rebel halfway into it!?) and then... up to you how the story continues I guess.

You know more about your characters and story than anyone here, but that's the two most obvious routes I'd take and it'd depend how I'd want it to go. if I wanted it to be more action packed story of revenge, I'd spring for the first. If I wanted some sort of character driven piece, I'd go for the second and if I wanted to inject action, I'd say as they loaded up onto the dragons or whatever to be ferried back a riot broke out and more people died. Maybe some of the dragons are kind of sympathetic so it's not a completely lost cause.

But basically, the only way I'd be able to make a proper suggestion would be if I knew more about the story, which direction you wanted to take it in, and what the characters were capable of doing.

[ZeRainbowDash]

Thanks a lot. That helped. The city crashlanding wouldn't work, because if the city crashes, theres no point for our brave hero to return to the skies.` But thank you for both, i am drafting out how the second will run in my head

[Catterjune]

I had assumed there was more than one city in the clouds. It says so in the prologue:

"No one knows exactly how the cities in the clouds were built" (emphasis added)

Their city crash lands on Earth. They try to stay alive with the supplies on the city for as long as they can until they learn about farming, hunting and gathering, how the water table works, how crops get fertilized by the banks of rivers, and so on.

Then they realize more cities in the clouds exist where similar bad things had happened. In some the dragons murdered everyone. In some, similar to the protagonists they got ferried back so they're nothing but ghost towns. In some, they're still alive, possibly thriving because they managed to fend off the dragons. In some, everyone just killed each other like a civil war, or an illness broke out, or some other thing.

[ZeRainbowDash]

Thank you. It seems like you know my own story better than I do. Thanks a lot for all your help. If this ever gets published, you're getting a special thank you in the acknowledgments

[ZeRainbowDash]

and so comes the inevitable..... bump

[ZeRainbowDash]

And bump. Whatever this bar is, I cant delete it so im sorry

[ZeRainbowDash]

bump