My book so far/not finished( all constructive criticism will be accepted)

[ichigo420]

[spoiler=Prologue] When someone said the world was ending did you believe them? I sure didn’t, i probably should have because the end has come. The day it all happened was on my 18th birthday all the countries of the world launched nuclear missiles devastated the world 60 percent of all the oceans on earth either dried up or became tainted by the radiation turning the sea life into man eating monsters that are hell bent on devouring all life on earth including their own kind the appearance of beast most of the looked as though the had turned into zombies , manly the decaying flesh, the adult monsters were 50 feet tall at the least their average height was 100,000 feet the had claws were long and sharp enough to rip you to shreds just by touching you. their scale were so beautiful before all this madness but now the scale are blood red and tented black because of all the soot from the fire surrounding the oceans, you could say they looked a lot like a demonic undead dragon of the sea anyway. I just chipped the flame of the sun with just the sea monsters, as those who survived the missile strikes call them anyway, but i don't want to get into that just yet.”Dad I don’t wanna hear about how the world ended I wanted to know how you and mom meet”! my daughter yelled.” alright, alright come down, we meet 15 years ago.”

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[spoiler=Chapter 1]I woke up to death, chaos, and destruction. “where am I?” I asked as i struggled to get to my feet. then I tripped, when I turned to see what I tripped on, to my horror, I saw a dismembered arm. I felt as if I was going to vomit, but at the same time i felt too weak to even perform the motion. As i turned away in disgust I saw a bright light coming towards the ground at a ludicrous speed, I was baffled that I could even see it. It crashed into the ground, the force of the impact was so strong it almost killed me.

I staggered as i got back on my feet, I headed towards the crater made by the impact. When I looked into the crater I could not believe what I saw. “I-Is that a girl?” I asked as i went to go see if she was ok. “W-Why is she naked!?, I got to find something to cover her up.” I ran to the destroyed liquor store and grabbed the first drape I saw. I ran back to the girl in the crater, after i covered her up thats when i noticed how beautiful she is. she’s moderate height, at least a D-cup, she was skinny but not too skinny she had the face of an angel, she also had really beautiful black hair. I picked her up and got out of the crater, I have to find a safe place to hide. as i passed by what was my house, now not so much, the door was completely torn off I stopped to  catch my breath.” mom! Dad! you here?” no one was home they were probably dead I mean it was a nuclear missile, multiple missiles for that matter, well either that or mutated by the radiation. i walked into the living room and set the girl down on the couch, and headed towards my parents room to try and find the “girl on my couch” basicly every dudes fantasy to have a naked girl in your house, some clothes but i have to focus I have to find her some clothes before she wakes up or it’ll be bad. I found a shirt that seemed like it would fit her so I put it on her, thats when she woke up, and while I was in the middle of putting her shirt on to I mean what are the chances and this looked really bad too.” I wasn’t doing anything wrong i swear!” .

Even though I said that she just keeps staring at me, with those eyes, those gorgeous gray eyes. I was just sittin there awestruck at how hot she is “what’s your name?” I stuttered as I asked that question which was really embarrassing. “my name?” she looked up putting her finger on her chin and it looked like she was deep in thought “ I don’t know my name too be honest with you.” I just can’t believe what i just heard did I just save a girl with amnesia “ well then hmmmm i know how about I call you claire?” she looked up again deep in thought “ yea I like it claire it is then, but I still don't know your name.” she looked at me so intensely it was like she was staring into my soul “ uh cha uh oh yea um my name is  uh  j-jack.” she continued to stare at me, I have to  admit I don't mind it all that much. “ well anyway we need to  get you some clothes.” she takes a look at the shirt she has on, and starts to giggle.” yea your right do you know where any that will fit me are nearby” she’s so cute i’ll just ignore that one “actually i know a place where we can get some.”

She got up quickly a little too quickly, she grabbed my hand and ran out the door. We ran for about 30 minutes i was getting a little tired, and then she stopped literally immediately.” umm jack?”  is she lost? “yea?” she has to be right? “um where exactly are we going?” she asked in such a sweet way that i’m not even mad.”just follow me we are-” I felt a really sharp pain just now, it feels like its coming from my stomach. There is a blade in my stomach, waite not just any blade Its a monster!” ack” what the!? dam I can't speak I have to get her to run why is she just standing there looking at the ground, wait thats were my blood is. as I thought that claire crouched down ran her finger through the puddle of my blood and put her finger in her mouth. Then claire’s expression changed the ground started to shake, i could feel the blade being taken out and not painlessly, the pain was unbearable and i almost passed out from it. I looked up too see if claire left but I saw something different, what I saw was a girl with silver hair.   

 

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[spoiler=Chapter 2]As I lay there motionless from the pain all I could do was stare, stare at the beautiful girl standing in front of me, then she vanished and I heard a loud scream of pain and blood splatter on the ground behind me. I struggled to look behind me, when I did I saw the tethered body off the monster that stabbed me and the silver haired girl standing there covered in blood. she walked over to me If I could move I would run but I’m in too much pain too run infact I can’t even move, I could feel the fear swelling, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t move, she crouch down lift my upper body up into her arms while putting her hand on my stab wound a light started coming from her hand she looked into my eyes, with her gorgeous blood red eyes.” don’t worry I’m not gonna hurt you, she likes you too much” as she spoke those words I wondered to myself “She?” I accidently said it outloud.”The other me” her voice was so gentle that I felt happy for some reason.” What did you mean by ‘the other me’?” as I asked that question I felt as though I was going to be killed.”basicly when I feel from the sky, something happened before I made contact to the earth.”It seems that she was really banged up from that “I don’t remember what happened, but I assume the other me was created because of the energy produced by the impact.” She continued to heal me while we talked.

           The light faded and the pain was completely gone. “ It looks like I’m fading back into the other, one more thing the reason I’m here is to kill you.” as claire changed back to the way she was before, those words ringed in my head.”what did she mean by that?” As I pondered that question I heard footsteps coming from behind me. I felt afraid the reason being that I’m holding someone who’s mission is to kill me for some reason, and now I have someone behind me who may or may not kill me. I turn slowly to see a glowing figure with angel wings,at first I thought “i’m saved!”, but that idea was just a delusion. “unhand that girl you abomination!” the glowing figure pointed a glowing sword at me. I could see in his eyes that if I didn’t comply I would be killed. Thats when claire woke up.”Jack? is that you ?” claire said with a drowsy tone.”mistress!” the glowing figure said as he kneeled down, like knights would greet their king or queen. “who are you?” claire asked as the glowing man stood up in shock.” Y-You don’t remember me m’lady?” She finally fully woke up, and she screamed clinging to me really tightly. Right then I felt as though I had to protect her.”Jack who is this guy?” I could feel the fear in her voice, claire was generally afraid of this guy.

I held her close and tightly as I rushed towards the glowing man,I can’t let her go I have to protect her. “What am I doing?” As I asked that question I heard a voice “jump, just jump you’ll be fine.” So I did what the voice said and jumped. When I did I jumped over the glowing man and then some. It felt as though I was flying. I did a front flip then landed on the ground behind the glowing man. I tried to my balance back and when I did I dashed forward. I ran fast,faster than I knew I could. “HALT!” I heard a voice from behind, I came to a complete stop in less than a second. “Now get on the ground and don't move!” I did as the voice said and got on the ground.” Jack what’s going on?” while she asked that question I heard her stutter, either by fear or she generally doesn't know what's going on and that is what’s making her nervous. “I don’t know claire, just stay calm and on my signal hold on as tight as you can as you can.Ok?” Claire was silent for a second. “Ok.” I could hear someone walking closer to us. “3……………………….2………………..1….., NOW!” I yelled as claire held tight. I ran again, the funny thing is that I’m running so fast that I couldn’t see where I was going.

While I was running I feel on the ground but I quickly turned so that I would land on my back. I got up slowly, then I felt intense pain coming from my left arm. I looked over, and I fear I asked”WHERE THE HELL IS MY ARM!” the pain was so intense I felt as though I was going to pass out. I looked down at claire, she was screaming something but I couldn’t hear what. My vision was going dark, I could feel my heart slowing it’s beats. Thats when I realized, I was dieing. pretty soon I couldn’t feel anything. Then I started to feel rage the rage that I couldn’t protect her, I just can’t take it I have to protect her.

 I could hear again, all I heard was the ground rumble and break. My vision came back , and what I saw was a red aura surrounding me and chunks of the ground was ascending into the air. I looked to my left to find that my left arm was back, but I was too mad to care. My body floated to the ground, and I turned around swiftly to see a monster having my arm as a snack. I dashed at the monster so fast my fist made contact with it’s face before it even noticed. Next thing I know I’m standing there looking at a dismembered head, that I dismembered just by punching it, go flying.

When I turned to see if claire was ok, but I saw the silver haired version of claire standing in front of me. “ Looks like you have awakened to half of your power anyway.” she seem to know a lot about me.”Well I can see why she fell for you, you are kinda cute.” I started to blush.”tell me, what am I?” I asked I really hope she knows.” ’what are you’ you ask?” she paused for a second, then gave me a smile and said.” You are a nephilim.”           

 

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[spoiler=Chapter 3] I stood there in shock, not only did I find out that I’m not human. But I also found out that I’m something called a nephilim. “What is a Nephilim?” I asked, and boy do I want to know.” Nephilim’s are hybrid’s between a demon and an angel.” she explained” Ok but what exactly is a nephilim?” claire knew I was confused “ Well It’s a being hated by all species.” She said that like I understand what she means. “But why are nephilim’s hated by all species?” I was getting a little annoyed. “Nephilims are hated because nephilim’s have the power to either destroy or become God.” As claire said that she gave me the ‘ I’m gonna murder you’ look. “What!? me become God!? But claire I-” “MY NAME IS NOT CLAIRE!” she interrupted me so angrily.”Then what is your name?” I hesitated with that question. “ My name is Alaizabel.” A chill ran down my spine as those cold words came from her                       

 

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[Catterjune]

This story's awful.

As for constructive criticism...

- Use your enter/return key to make this story not a huge block of text. Space it out, it'll be easier to read.

- Proofread your damn story. There's plenty of instances were periods were not used to denote the end of a sentence and beginning of a new one.

- For the actual story, I don't feel invested in any of the characters. Some guy just had the world destroyed before him, and all you describe is what he said, what he did, but nothing like... how he felt about it, what his former life was like. The missiles came and then like... a girl crash landed right at his feet. So what? You could probably fix that by writing more. And I don't mean writing chapter 4, I mean re-writing Chapter 1 and adding more to it.

- Speaking of "writing more", your chapters are really short. There are in fact rules against this kind of short writing on this site by the way.

And that's about all I can muster. I barely read past Chapter 1 and it was a pain in the ass to get even that far.

[ZeRainbowDash]

Thanks Pika. I've been trying to tell him this for the past two days. SO I developed a compromise. He'd post it and if he got the same criticism I gave him, he would have to acknowledge me as right.

[ichigo420]

This story's awful.

As for constructive criticism...

- Use your enter/return key to make this story not a huge block of text. Space it out, it'll be easier to read.

- Proofread your damn story. There's plenty of instances were periods were not used to denote the end of a sentence and beginning of a new one.

- For the actual story, I don't feel invested in any of the characters. Some guy just had the world destroyed before him, and all you describe is what he said, what he did, but nothing like... how he felt about it, what his former life was like. The missiles came and then like... a girl crash landed right at his feet. So what? You could probably fix that by writing more. And I don't mean writing chapter 4, I mean re-writing Chapter 1 and adding more to it.

- Speaking of "writing more", your chapters are really short. There are in fact rules against this kind of short writing on this site by the way.

And that's about all I can muster. I barely read past Chapter 1 and it was a pain in the ass to get even that far.

Pika/Assault Mode thank you for your input and I'll try your suggestion on chapter 1 in that note this is my first time actually doing this 

 

next- as for length I'm actually trying to make a short novel and I will add more as time goes on I appreciate your honesty and I will try to fix the problems to the best of my abillites

 

as for a rule against the shortness, I was not aware of a rule like that nor did I know there was rules to this because Thorgrim never informed me of that I thought that this was a forum to just show and receive criticism and helpful hints to help you along, I know this is a run on sentence but I do need to explain why it's bad anyway I was just introduced to this forum yesterday and as I said was not aware of any rules. thank you again I will try to improve the story.                 

[bury the year]

I was not aware of a rule like that nor did I know there was rules to this because Thorgrim never informed me of that

You not reading the rules thread - which is stickied precisely so that I don't have to deal with posts like this - is neither Thorgrim's fault nor responsibility. It's entirely your own.

LOCKED. PM me when you've brought your writing up to section standards and I'll unlock this to make edits. (Hint: start with making each chapter 2+ pages and putting each new speaker on a separate line.)