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Da Nizzite Befo Christmizzle

Dad

By Dad
in Miscellaneous

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Dad

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Twas' the night before Christmas, when all through the hood

Wasn't a damn thang movin', cuz you'd get shot if you would

Cheap bourbon and weed, all sold with care

In hopes that the po-po, would not be there

 

The kiddies were all tucked away in their beds

While momma's new baby daddy was gettin' some head

When through giving brain, she got up with a snap

The sex was bad, so they stopped to get snacks

 

When on the front stoop, all covered in muck

Was a stumbling Black Santa, asking, "jabroni what the funk!?

What's this sheet on the porch!?  Do I gotta use the roof!?

I was gon drop off this tv.  But now, funk you!"

 

Baby daddy and momma leaped to the front door, quite fast

With baby daddy's pistol pre-drawn.  "Imma bust a cap in somebody ass."

They swung open the door, to greet a kind stranger

"Is that Jesus?" Mama asked.  "jabroni, do I look like I came from a manger!?

 

"I'm Santa, Ho.  Ho, ho," he shouted at them.

"Ain't you the one wit badass kids?  They ain't gettin' sheet.

Here's the light bill.  Pay that sheet.  Merry Christmas.  Broke ass niggas."

 

"Whoa Santa," baby daddy exclaimed.  

"You gon' do us like this?  Hit us with the shame?"

Santa sighed, and he groaned, filled with dismay.

"Aight jabroni.  I'll pay it.  But you ain't gettin' nuttin' else today."

 

Santa signed on the bill, paying it in full.

"I got other houses to hit.  This some bull."

Strapping on his big red garbage bag, clanging with noise

Black Santa made his way up the block, for other girls and boys

 

Up the street Santa went, strollin' past some honeys

When he spotted a nice ride.  A Cadillac on some twenties

Sneaking around back, with his handy lock pick

Santa did the dirty deed, breaking in, real slick

 

But an alarm alerted the hood to his presence and so Santa did scurry

Away with the presents, he fled with a hurry

Now out of sight, Santa sighed of relief at last

only turning around to hear, "What's up, punk ass!?"

 

Dropping his goodies down at his feet

Santa thought quickly with a compliment, "Fam yo' outfit on fleek!"

The robber did suddenly lower his gun

Looking Santa in the eye, "you do this for fun?"

 

"Nah cuz!  I'm Santa!  Black Santa, at that!"

"You full of sheet, cuz!"  "For real tho!  Check the hat!"

In the dark alley, Santa's hat was now jacked.

The robber fled, kicking Santa away.  "Fool!  Gimme dat!"

 

Santa now shrugged off this man's poor display

and returned to his job, and began making his way

to the next house on the list, which was painted all blue

And as he approached the screen door, he cried, "Chardonnay, is that you!?"

 

Through the screen door did he peek, spying a shawty

"Hey boo!" she said quickly.  "You come to party?"

She smelled of urine and vomit, as Santa held his nose.

"No jabroni.  You smell like you been thru the damn ringer.

Get yo stank ass in the tub.  Here go a bar of soap.  

That's yo muhfuckin' Christmas present.  Ol' nasty ass."

 

With only one stop remaining, Santa ran off with a start

But a sudden sight made him clasp at his heart

Just under the street light, puttin' in work

Was a bad lil' thang, makin' the booty twerk

 

He slicked back his hair, and brushed his shoulders off

and approached lil' mama, who immediately scoffed

"Why it gotta be that?" he asked right away.

"I'm lookin' fa customers.  I'm tryna get paid.

 

And you all in my light.  Santa ass jabroni."

"Trick don't get it twisted.  I can pay the sticka."

"You got the paper?  You want some of this?"

"Not no mo' ho.  Ho, ho.  funk off my dick."

 

Shoving the mistress aside, he returned to his sleigh

For ol' Black Santa, it had been a long day.

But his starter was broken, and he needed a jump.

So to the nearest house, Santa did slump

 

Banging on the door, he scratched the back of his head

With a rush someone answered, as Santa tried to wake the dead.

She was a fine young lady, with long curly locks

Santa was excited, as his toes curled in his socks

 

"Whatchu need handsome?" asked the redbone

"My sleigh broke down.  Can I borrow your phone?"

She let Santa inside, to call for some help

But the only help Santa needed, was helping himself

 

After brief exchanges, they sneaked up to her room

Where Santa did let loose the mighty Christmas boom boom.

And that Christmas night, didn't turn out so bad

In fact, it was the best Christmas Black Santa ever had.

 

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