Holocaust Poem, (incomplete) A Story Poem

[Guest JoshIcy]

Fading to black,

I peak among the rubble,

Covered in ash,

Engulfed in flames,

Forthran tyrant,

 

Whom cast a shadow,

Vast among the bodies,

His might beckons,

Those who lack heart,

Lacking breath,

 

Dousing the blind,

Still thine resists,

Width for persist,

Casting past,

Never grasping,

 

Forward reaching,

Being my own,

Thrown amongst the fallen leaves,

I look like the rest,

Never different,

 

Except that one,

Holding on,

To what was,

Tortured still,

Facing torment,

 

All decay,

Scolding bodies,

I am last,

Seeing everyone,

Witness to all,

 

Caused by an Entity,

Forced into hatred,

Born in turmoil,

Misunderstood,

That reached a fork,

 

Coasted along,

Inhaling it all,

Lacking filter,

Manipulated,

Struck control,

 

For a country weak,

Dreams realized,

Withdrawn mentality,

Picked then prod,

Scapegoats forsawn,

 

Thrown out garbage,

Thats all they see,

Thats all I am,

Am I?,

No,

 

More I once was,

Name I once had,

A world out side the confines,

This fenced lair,

Doth lie in wait,

 

For nothing comes,

Lest the smell of death,

Is our greatest joy,

There is nothing else,

Harbinger of death,

 

That's what he sees,

Undesirables he calls us,

Unpure,

The sound of his voice,

Strikes terror,

 

Shatters souls,

Ironic though,

Talented might,

Teetered the wrong way,

Swung his scythe,

 

Murdering amass,

Death too simple,

Too glorious,

Thou shalt face,

A fate worst than death,

 

Even hell,

He would call home,

To him be heaven,

All those souls,

He would bask in it,

 

Feed on it.....

[Buffer]

hmmm.........................seems long and drawn out

it's so-so 5/10

[Guest JoshIcy]

its a story poem lol, its suppose to be :/

[Parting Shot]

Very dark and morose, methinks. Excellent poem despite that, though ^_^

[Buffer]

still I think your other one was better

(and the story is empty and boring)

[Wyhe]

"a good poem should be short & catchy,"says my P4 EL teacher

Score:5.4/10 (mainly because it is too long-winded)

[Guest JoshIcy]

still I think your other one was better

(and the story is empty and boring)

 

a first-person view of a person in a nazi concentration camp, but he also sympathized with hitler.... so i guess if you dont like that kinda thing...

[Buffer]

no I don't actuly

(well not this week)

[Guest JoshIcy]

"a good poem should be short & catchy' date='"says my P4 EL teacher

Score:5.4/10 (mainly because it is too long-winded)

[/quote']

 

its a new idea for me :|... most of my poems are less than 15 lines and sweet... this one is an approach that ive never ever done before :/ sorry...

[CinnamonStar]

You choose a pretty interesting topic (in my opinion).

Also, it's quite well-written, but there's one thing about your writing style which somewhat confuses me.

Now this is supposed to be a modern poem, which is shown by the topic and the free verse scheme and rhythm. However, I don't really understand the reason why you put words like "thou" there, which I don't think are very fitting. Well it's just a personal opinion and a small detail.

Let's say... 7/10 for that^.^

[Guest JoshIcy]

i use words like that to express an even more personal connection... but i guess that can change...

 

edit: used 5 line stanza's now...

[CinnamonStar]

Alright I can understand what you mean, but I just don't think it fits here.

However, the fact of dividing the poem into 5 stanzas was a good idea^.^

[Kizzi]

Not bad, but meh, I dislike longer poems, mine tend to be about 6 lines... =/

[bury the year]

We're doing the Holocaust in school currently... It's interesting, but needs to be spiced up.

[Guest JoshIcy]

like it says, (incomplete) lol