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A compilation of really cheesy jokes...

Willieh

By Willieh
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Willieh Newbie

Willieh

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[spoiler=Two Muffins] Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "Damn it's hot in here." The other muffin jumps and screams "HOLY sheet A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

[spoiler=Your Funeral] Three lawyers are sitting in a circle talking about what they want to be said at their funeral. The first lawyer says "I want them to say 'He was a good man'." The second lawyer says "I would want them to talk about how great of a person I was." The third lawyer says "I want them to say, 'Look, he just moved!"

 

[spoiler=only three doors]An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.|

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.| He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[spoiler=12 year old scotch]A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

 

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

 

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

 

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

 

"This is piss!" he yells.

 

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

 

[spoiler=mike is dead]Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

 

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

 

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

 

"What a horrible way to die!"

 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

 

"Man, what a way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

 

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that..."

 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

 

"I shot him!"

 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

 

"He was wrecking my house."

 

[spoiler=catholic ladies]Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

 

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

 

[spoiler=God takes a holiday]God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

 

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

 

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

 

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

 

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

 

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

 

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

 

[spoiler=Conductor]A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

 

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

 

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

 

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

 

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

 

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

 

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the

chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

 

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this

time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

 

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

 

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you

can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

 

Nahh" said the bloke,

 

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously they aren't funny.

 

(I'll put more up later.)

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CeDeFiA Newbie

CeDeFiA

Posted
Posted

I think someone's been botting this...

 

4K+ views' date=' and only 4 posts?

 

EDIT: Yeah, someone's been botting this. Or just being obsessive. The view count jumped by 1000 by the time I left this page. I'm not sure if this is rule-breaking, but I'm keeping my eyes on it.

[/quote']

 

What is botting?

 

And what is so bad about having a large view count?

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Willieh Newbie

Willieh

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Posted

I think someone's been botting this...

 

4K+ views' date=' and only 4 posts?

 

EDIT: Yeah, someone's been botting this. Or just being obsessive. The view count jumped by 1000 by the time I left this page. I'm not sure if this is rule-breaking, but I'm keeping my eyes on it.

[/quote']

Mini-Mod much?

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bury the year Newbie

bury the year

Posted
Posted

I think someone's been botting this...

 

4K+ views' date=' and only 4 posts?

 

EDIT: Yeah, someone's been botting this. Or just being obsessive. The view count jumped by 1000 by the time I left this page. I'm not sure if this is rule-breaking, but I'm keeping my eyes on it.

[/quote']

 

What is botting?

 

And what is so bad about having a large view count?

 

Botting is making a small computer script that runs a specific action over and over again, e.g. refreshing a web page. While this might not seem bad, think of all the other threads out there that truly earned their views. Also, botting helps you to get your thread in the "Most Viewed Threads" section.

 

I suspect 1 other thread that's currently active of botting, but I don't know how to prove it.

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CeDeFiA Newbie

CeDeFiA

Posted
Posted

I think someone's been botting this...

 

4K+ views' date=' and only 4 posts?

 

EDIT: Yeah, someone's been botting this. Or just being obsessive. The view count jumped by 1000 by the time I left this page. I'm not sure if this is rule-breaking, but I'm keeping my eyes on it.

[/quote']

 

What is botting?

 

And what is so bad about having a large view count?

 

Botting is making a small computer script that runs a specific action over and over again, e.g. refreshing a web page. While this might not seem bad, think of all the other threads out there that truly earned their views. Also, botting helps you to get your thread in the "Most Viewed Threads" section.

 

I suspect 1 other thread that's currently active of botting, but I don't know how to prove it.

 

Well, it isn't against the rules.

So I don't see it as a bad thing.

But I won't do it, ever...

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