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Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic.


Should I keep doing this, even though nobody will ever truly listen to me here?  

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  1. 1. I want to leave.



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Alright, I'm updating some more now, and I'll be trying to work on a crap-load of older chapters tomorrow during Labor Day. Here you go, the ending to my small arc-thing. I wish I could've done the Cuts n' Gut story a bit more tragically, but hey, I'm learning.

 

[spoiler=Episode 49: Amnael's Endgame - Part Two]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 49: Banner Explains it All

Part One

 

“I activate my Helios Duo Megistus’ special ability!” Banner said, reminding us all thjat he was in the heat of battle, within a magnificent CG-animated display of the universe. “When she is destroyed by battle, she comes back with 300 extra Attack Points!” The giant sun lady from the last episode’s body reformed, along with a tiny satellite sun rotating around her head. (Helios Duo: 2700 Attack Points) “Now attack again! Solar Singer!” Helios held her arms up again, but smartly this time, she summoned the sun right around Bladedge’s body. He was instantly melted into gold and flesh. (Jaden: 600 Life Points) “So, Jaden? Barely hanging on?”

“Eh… heh… ooooh…” Jaden fell onto his stomach, dehydrated from that last attack, sore from the one before. “G-guys… I can’t move… anymore… take my place… and win…”

Syrus turned to Koala Ko Ala. “Does your middle name have ‘Yu’ in it?”

“No. You?”

“No.”

“…”

 

“Wait!” Koala Ko Ala ran up to Jaden and pulled out a mini-cooler, filled with cool orange slices. “Jaden, eat these! Rehydrate yourself!” He put three into Jaden’s mouth.

“Om nom nom…” Jaden flipped onto his feet, consumed with the flames of POWER!! “BURNING… INNER… STREEEEEEEEENGTH!!” He drew his card. “I SUMMON ELEMENTAL HERO BUBBLEMAN!!” Bubbleman appeared, in a position proclaiming ‘POWER AND DIGNITY!!’ “Here’s my bubble man, and here’s my bubble plan: I CAN DRAW TWO CARDS BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY CARD ON MAH FIELD!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

Jaden drew his two cards. “Next I play Fusion Recovery!” Jaden activated his Spell, with a creepy Fusion Demon coming out of the card Polymerization with the intent to eat your soul. “I use its magic to add Clayman and Polymerization into my hand! Then I fuse my Avian and Bubbleman together… to foooooormmm… ELEMENTAL HERO MARINER!!” Bubbleman transformed into a green-skinned, spiny-haired guy with an anchor on his arm, who looked quite young.

However, his voice was disgustingly deep as he shouted “OH YEEEEEEEEEAH!!” (Mariner: 1400 Attack Points)

 

“Now I’ll be settin’ two o’ my cards,” Jaden said, setting two Spells/Traps, “and I’ll use Mariner’s special ability!”

“Which is?” Banner asked, frowning disgustingly.

“If I have a Spell or Trap set, Mariner can ATTACK YOU DIRECTLY!!” Mariner threw an anchor at Banner’s chest spike!

“OW, DON’T WIGGLE IT! IT HURTS!!” Banner cried, spewing blood! (Banner: 1200 Life Points) He steadied his spike and took a deep breath. “You aren’t the dumb boy I took you for, are you?”

“Well…” Jaden pointed at Banner with his index fingers. “At least I use moisturizer.”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Argh, see? You’re always making those jokes,” Banner reminded.

“Yeah, I know!” Syrus agreed.

“You can’t win easily if you don’t take the game seriously!” Banner said. “You need to focus! You cannot defeat me if you act like this!”

“… Hoopla,” Jaden joked.

“BOO,” someone said.

“What?”

“Dude, I can beat anybody eight ways to Sunday any way I want. It doesn’t matter if I’m joking, or gangsta, or even stupid, but I’ll STILL win this thing for my friends,” Jaden lectured.

“I somehow fail to believe that,” Banner said. “Your friends will be joining you in Oblivion if you continue to act so foolishly.”

“It’s cards. You don’t NEED to be serious.”

“Oh, Jaden,” Banner sighed, “you have much to learn. Megistus, attack Mariner!”

“No way, Joes!”

“BOOOO,” someone said. “BOO, BOOOOO.”

“I activate mah Tray-up, Mirror Gate, y’all in ‘da hizzie!”

“B—” Behind Jaden you could clearly see that the ‘BOO’ duck had exploded from overuse. Anyways, Mirror Gate flipped up just as Helios began to summon a sun around Mariner. The monsters switched sides, allowing Helios to burn.

 

“Not yet!!” Banner shouted! “I activate Grand Convergence!!” The planets flew from all over, smashing everybody on the field to death. “You lose 300 Life Points, and all of the monsters on the field die.” (Jaden: 300 Life Points)

“Didn’t you have a card like that earlier?” Syrus asked. “I mean, it was the EXACT same thing.”

“Sure, but this one’s faster.”

“What’s the point of the other one, then?” Syrus asked.

“To screw with you,” Banner said. “Now arise again, Helios.” The fat lady appeared again, with a second small sun now. (Helios Duo: 3000 Attack Points) “End this game once and for all.”

“MY THEME SONG ISN’T OVER YET!!” Jaden recalled. “I activate MAH Spell card, Flute of Summoning Kuriboh!!” A flute appeared and played a short ditty, summoning Winged Kuriboh outta nowhere!!

“OOH,” it ‘ooh’-ed. It was incinerated.

“Aw yeah, I just love doin’ that t’him,” Jaden grooved.

“Actually, that was a good idea,” Banner complimented.

 

“Well, then you’ll love my next turn,” Jaden alluded, “but for now I’ll let Clayman chill in Defense Mode and set a card.” Clayman chilled in Defense Mode. (Clayman: 2000 Defense Points)

“What’re you gonna do NEXT turn, then?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“Win, that’s what!” Jaden promised.

“Yay,” Syrus said.

“You won’t have a next turn, you silly fool,” Banner chuckled, “for I activate my last abstract art card: Red Process – RUBIDO!!” The final art appeared, mostly red. “I can tribute my Helios Duo Megistus for Helios Trice Megistus.” The fat lady was covered in green letters. They wrapped around her and started revolving all around her and turning bright, burning crimson. They stopped all at once and exploded, tearing the woman apart into three pieces! They in turn became… three floating mummified sun-headed space babies.

“That’s… stupid,” Syrus sy-ed. “Space babies?”

“They gain 300 Attack Points for every monster removed from play.” (Helios Trice: 3900 Attack Points) The three monsters looked as if they were giggling. “Trice Megistus, attack with Phoenix Fury!” The three space babies channeled their heated spirits together in order to form a blazing, angry phoenix.

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYWWWWWWWWWWRRRR,” it shrieked. It flapped its wings twice and dive-bombed Clayman. He melted in an instant.

“Well then, I’ll be usin’ my Trap now: Hero Signal!” The ‘H’ signal blasted out of the card and blazed in Banner’s face.

“AUGH, MY VISION!!” Banner screamed, blinded! “I SHOULDN’T HAVE OPENED MY EYES!!”

“Now I can Special Summon an Elemental Hero monster from my deck, so I’ll be callin’ out my Sparkman in Defense Mode!” Jaden decided, bringing out Sparkman. (Sparkman: 1400 Defense Points)

“Uuugh,” Banner groaned, rubbing his eyes, “then this means my Trice Megistus’ ability activates: if you control another monster, it can attack again!”

“Hubba-wha?!” Jaden, Syrus and Koala Ko Ala gasped! The phoenix re-formed around Sparkman and incinerated him before disappearing again. “N-no! You can’t do that! It ain’t fair!” Jaden swore! “I-I mean… how could I see that COMING?!”

“You couldn’t, because I don’t go around explaining EVERY SINGLE CARD,” Banner said. “Now show me this final turn of yours. Amaze me! Show me your fighting spirit, or else everybody in this room dies.”

“Y-you…” DAMN!! Jaden thought. For once, I actually NEEDED Sparkman for some unexplained reason! And… and I just used that epically epic song that I earned at the start of the second half of the season! I can’t just play it again; that’d be repetitive! You can only do THAT when you’re creepy and it works somehow! For no real reason, NOW I feel like GIVIN’ up!! WHYYYYYYYY!?!?! I can’t… I can’t… I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!?!!!

 

“Oh, song ending already?” Banner chuckled. “What can you do now, boy? That song's been used three times now, and it's not the type you can just throw in again without it being awkward.”

"One of those times it was CHAZZ who used it!" Syrus recalled, but nobody cared.

“Professor,” Jaden sighed, “over the year I’ve learned many, many things. I learned how many great people reside at this academy. I learned how to talk people out of taking over the world. I went to an ancient Egyptian colony in Japan. I’ve beaten several kids doing stupid, random things. I even learned what Alexis doesn’t wear under her skirt, that night with the Sammiches. But there’s one thing that I failed to remember after all this time…”

“And what is it?” everybody present asked.

“IT’S THAT I HAVE A REAL THEME SONG, YO!!” Jaden roared, emanating a massive fighting will!!

“Oh?” Banner gasped.

“Even I forgot about that one!!” Syrus remembered!

“It makes me feel like a man again,” Koala Ko Ala whispered, crying warm manly tears.

Winged Kuriboh appeared next to Jaden in support for a moment. “OOH.”

Everybody, Jaden thanked, remembering every named character to this point,thank you for believing in me all this time. I WON’T GIVE UP!!

And here is where it all ends, Banner relished.

 

“I play the Spell card Miracle Fusion!!” Jaden played his card. “I remove my Elemental Heroes Avian, Clayman, Bubbleman and Burstinatrix from my Graveyard in order to form… ELEMENTAL… HERO… ELECTRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!”

“What’s with all the energy put into the summoning?” Koala Ko Ala asked. As he did, the four heroes reappeared before everybody and swirled together. They became a man in a golden-colored suit with an ‘E’ on his chest. His stomach was almost as wide as his thigh, which was a horrible error on the designer’s part. Besides that, he was ALRIGHT!! (Electrum: 2900 Attack Points) All of the cards Banner had removed from play began flowing back into his deck from deep space!

“What’s going on now?” Banner cried!

“All of your monsters removed from play are sent back into your deck,” Jaden said.

“That… that’s awesome,” Syrus said. “He’s just made that invincible monster is useless now!” And lo, Helios Trice Megistus’ heads faded to a dull red and fell on their sides.

“Jaden’s gonna win!!” Koala Ko Ala announced!!

“Banner, I’m-a gonna be honest wit’ you,” Jaden said, “I'm not Superman. So I can't say anything big like I'll protect everyone on Earth. I'm not a modest guy who will say it's enough if I can protect as many people as my two hands can handle either. I want to protect... a mountain-load of people.”

“You stole that from Bleach,” Syrus sy-ed.

“Shining brightly, even for a split second, is better than living a dull-grey life for eternity.”

“Jing, King of Bandits.”

“I… AM… JUSTICE!!”

“Death Note.”

Jets extended out of Electum’s shoulders, legs and back. “This hand of mine glows with an awesome POWER!” Jaden shouted, as his right hand glowed. Electrum smacked his fists together. “Its burning grip tells me to defeat you!” A blazing burst of energy flowed from Electrum’s finger! “Take this! My love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!” Jaden cried, swiping his own finger energy blade around a few times! “SHINING FINGER SWORRRRRDDDD!!! GO! GO! GO!!!” Electrum and Jaden dashed toward Helios and Banner respectively and swung their massive green blades through their foes.

“P… per… fect…” Banner groaned, being cut through the center of his massive spike. His monsters were wiped away in that single wave of force, and every effect throughout that Shadow Duel faded away with the holograms. Jaden, finished, shook his finger and absorbed the energy back into his body.

“Don’t look back. If you got something to do, then only look forward,” Jaden concluded.

 

“G Gundam and Reservoir Chronicle respectively,” Syrus said, ruining the moment.

 

MEANWHILE, WITH MANN MCOLDSMOBILE...

“I’m Tagging-In Gladiator Beasts Alexander, Bestari, Hoplomus and Laquari!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted, letting his golden-plated lion, green bird-man, tan-armored rhino guy and awesome flaming tiger soldiers fall from above, crushing his small lizard, purple bull and centaur-pegasus. (Alexander: 2400 Attack Points, Bestari: 1500 Attack Points, Hoplomus: 2400 Defense Points, Laquari: 2100 Attack Points)

“Well, you DID just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn, so good job on that strategy,” Cuts Man congratulated, “but you won’t be dealing any damage to me for another turn or two.”

“Shaddap, kid,” Mann McOldsmobile sighed, “you can’t stop me now.”

“He’s on a roll, Seto!!” Mokuba cheered, shaking his brother around.”

“MMPH! MMPH!!” Kaiba screamed, muffled.

“Are you still sure that you don’t wanna drop outta the fight?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Hell no, what have we gone over today?” Cuts Man growled. “Shut up and beat me. If not, then let me beat you.” Cuts Man drew his next card. “I end my turn here.” Dammit Mann, I’m sorry, Cuts Man thought to himself. I didn’t mean for things to go like this! I was just carrying out what I was made to do! I can’t go against it! Guts n’ me’ll DIE if we do that. You know what you gotta do, Mann.

 

Hate me and kill me here and now.

“Are you REALLY not gonna do anything?” Mann McOldsmobile inquired.

“Cuts cuts cuts! Sure, why not?” Cuts Man shrugged.

“… Why won’t you do anything, Cuts?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Maybe it’s his deck type?” Mokuba suggested.

“Yeah, I’m waiting for something, alright?”

“But… then why won’t you… use ANY cards?”

“Because I can’t yet.”

“And the one you just drew?”

“… Okay, I’ll play Pot of Greed, drawing two cards.” He drew two cards. “There, happy?”

“NO! That’s WORSE!” Mann McOldsmobile cried! “You’re losing… ON PURPOSE!!”

“You have no proof.”

“I was your best friend, along with Gut Man, because Jaden and the others don’t really interact with you much, making it really, really useless to have you guys even IN the PLOT!!”

“So? If it’ll make you shut up, I’ll set a Trap card.” Cuts Man set a card. “Fine?”

“Meh, sure,” Mann McOldsmobile accepted. “I summon Gladiator Beast Samnite.”

A cool white tiger in lame brown battle armor appeared and snarled, saying “Blaraaaarrgh.” (Samnite: 1600 Attack Points)

“Samnite, Hoplomus, attack the Marshmallon!!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted! Samnite pulled out a magic sword and fat shield. He ran up to Marshmallon and cut off a big chunk of marshmallow, allowing for a tasty snack and a gush of blood from the poor, dead victim. Then Hoplomus put the rest of the monster into his mouth. “Ap ap ap,” Mann McOldsmobile stopped, “he can’t be destroyed by battle, follow the rules.” Hoplomus took a small bit of marshmallow out from his mouth and placed it on the ground. “Better. And now I Tag-In!!” A grey-ish tyrannosaurus rex appeared and ripped Hoplomus to pieces. A half-man, half-bald eagle flew in, wearing lime-green armor and picked up Samnite before flying over the ocean and dropping him. Then the eagle returned as if nothing had happened. (Spartacus: 2200 Attack Points, Octavius: 2500 Attack Points)

“Your Tag-Ins are pretty deadly,” Mokuba grimaced.

“So? When Spartacus enters the field, I can add a Gladiator Beast Equip Spell into my hand from my deck!” Mann McOldsmobile said. “I’ll take the Gladiator Beast’s Battle Halberd.” Spartacus pulled a large axe from his pocket and threw it to Mann McOldsmobile. He ducked! “That is NOT how you handle an axe! Were you even REALLY trained?!”

“Mnm,” Spartacus wondered, shrugging.

“Anyways, because Octavius’ a prick, I have to discard this card if I want him on the field.” Mann McOldsmobile tossed the axe back to Octavius the eagle, who promptly ate it.

“Yummers,” he smiled, flashing a thumbs-up. Normally eagles can’t do that.

“Your move, Cuts Man,” Mann McOldsmobile said, “do something or I’ll freaking kill you next turn.”

 

Cuts Man drew a card. “But… knowing THIS show, he drew JUST what he needed!!” Mokuba remembered! “Mann, look out!”

“I end my turn,” Cuts Man said, laying his cards on his Duel Disk. He had a smug expression.

“… You can’t be serious,” Mann McOldsmobile gulped. “Th-there’s no way that you can’t do anything. Not with that smug smile.”

“Are you sure?” Cuts Man asked. “Why do you hesitate? I’m right here! The Trap isn’t even important. And you can get rid of Marshmallon with the cards you control now.”

“I don’t believe you,” Mann McOldsmobile disbelieved.

“Don’t fall for the trick!” Mokuba urged! “He’s a man with a plan!”

 

“If it’ll make you understand, I’ll activate my Trap card: Final Attack Orders.” The Trap card Cuts Man had set showed itself to be a war scene with countless knights running toward a demonic horde. Marshmallon’s small body fragment wiggled around, until it stood upright with small, weird legs. (Marshmallon: 300 Attack Points) “All monsters on the field are switched into Attack Mode for the rest of the game and have to attack when necessary.”

“C-Cuts Man, you don’t have to do this,” Mann McOldsmobile reasoned. “There has to be a third option. I don’t want to kill you like Megy Man, or anybody else I’ve dismembered in the past. Come on, we’ll fix up Gut Man and keep life as it was—”

 

“I send Gladiator Beasts Bestari and Octavius back into the deck in order to Special Summon Gladiator Beast Gyzarus,” Cuts Man announced.

“What?!” Mokuba gasped! Octavius’ body turned into a shining green light which covered Bestari’s body. The light burst into dark-green, super-heavy armor, giving Bestari a massive power boost. (Gyzarus: 2400 Attack Points, 1500 Defense Points)

“Now I use his special ability to destroy up to two cards when he’s summoned,” Cuts Man continued, “and I’ll destroy Marshmallon.” Gyzarus held up one of his gun-gauntlets and shot what was left of Marshmallon into bits.

“Cuts Man, stop it,” Mann McOldsmobile ordered.

“Next I’ll send Alexander, Laquari and Spartacus back into the deck in order to summon—”

“STOP IT, CUTS MAN.”

“In order to summon Gladiator Beast Heraklinos.” The two gladiators did as Octavius, becoming grey and yellow orbs of energy and bonding to the tiger, becoming much more advanced armor. In addition to what tough-looking plates were bonded to his flesh now, he had wings, a honeycomb-style shield, and an axe-gun-spear combo. (Heraklinos: 3000 Attack Points)

 

“This isn’t funny, Cuts Man,” Mann McOldsmobile cried, “Stop cheating.”

“It’s not me,” Cuts Man revealed, pointing to Gut Man’s remaining head, shoulder and arm. His eyes were golden.

“I’m interfering with the signals the Duel Disks are putting out, and you can’t stop me,” Gut Man stated. He pulled himself over to Cuts Man with his claws.

“Gut… you’re still alive?!” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Cuts Man said coldly, picking his friend up and holding him in his free arm. “Attack us, Mann!”

“No.”

“DO IT!”

“No!”

“LOOK, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANT TO WIN?!” Cuts Man threw five cards onto the ground. They were as follows: ‘Left Arm of the Forbidden One,’ ‘Right Arm of the Forbidden One,’ ‘Left Leg of the Forbidden One,’ ‘Right Leg of the Forbidden One,’ and lastly, ‘Exodia, the Forbidden One.’

Ex... Exodia… Mann McOldsmobile looked upon Cuts Man and Gut Man with a sense of bewilderment. “But… why would you…”

“It all makes sense now,” Mokuba realized, putting two and two together. “That explains all the drawing you did earlier! How many turns have you had all five pieces now?!”

“It’s been around three turns now,” Gut Man explained.

 

“… I won’t kill you two,” Mann McOldsmobile sobbed, “You… you’re two of my best friends… I would never—”

“Our Shadow Items are the same,” Cuts Man said, “as they’re both called the Shadow Destroyer. If we fail to win a game, then we die.”

“Our bodies get completely disintegrated,” Gut Man added. “It’s taken all I have to hold its effects off this long.”

“Who… who DID THAT to you?!” Mann McOldsmobile roared!

“You’ll meet him on the last day,” Gut Man foreshadowed. “Now please, finish this.”

“But—”

“Cuts cuts cuts, there’s no room for redemption here,” Cuts Man said. “Heraklinos and Gyzarus, attack Cuts Man directly.”

“GROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAWRRRR!!” The tiger threw his axe at the two robots and the bird fired both of his guns.

“EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

 

“You didn’t have to do that, y’know,” Gut Man chuckled.

“Shut up, idiot,” Mann McOldsmobile muttered, having taken the hit for them. He tugged the axe out of his shoulder and threw it onto the ground.

“It’s been a blast,” Cuts Man and Gut Man said, happily.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Mokuba asked.

“RUN FOR IT!!” Kaiba screamed, breaking free from his surgical wrappings and heading for the hills!!

Cuts Man and Gut Man exploded, leaving a large plume of smoke.

“Mann, are you okay?” Mokuba called. “Mann? Did you blow up?!”

“No,” Mann McOldsmobile sighed, stepping out from the explosion, covered in smoke, yet oddly feeling a new power within himself. “I’m just fine.” (Cuts Man: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“AKOFF KOFF KOFF,” some students coughed, stepping out from the school. “What’s with the smoke?”

“I had a horrible dream where a weird, short, pink-haired clown named [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD] was laughing in my face,” a poor girl cried.

“I think the clown tried to molest me,” a boy ashamedly admitted.

“Well, looks like our job here’s done,” Kaiba said, stepping into his jet. “Mokuba, let’s get outta here.”

“But weren’t we going to see Yugi?” Mokuba reminded.

“Not anymore.”

Mokuba turned back to Mann McOldsmobile, as the smoke faded into the sky behind him. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“… No,” Mann McOldsmobile said, looking upward.

“Hey look, it’s KAIBA!!”

“OH WOW, LET’S GET AN AUTOGRAPH!!”

“Mokuba, get in, NOW!!” Kaiba screamed!

“G-got it!!” Mokuba leaped into the jet plane and they flew away at the speed of sound.

“Aw man, I wanted an AUTOGRAPH!!”

“That was one fast jet.”

“Hey what’s up with the giant Megy Man robot corpse sitting here?”Twisthead said out of nowhere.

 

Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson walked out with Chazz, explaining their duel to him. “AND THEN I RECKON WE KNOCKED HIM OFF’A JAPAN!!” Billy Hills yelled!

“Wow, I guess that IS pretty good,” Chazz thought. “Thanks for dueling a nightmare clown and a weirdo in order to defend the school for me, guys.”

“Huh, don’t mention it, huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson said. “Also Someone, huh, Jones, huh, tripped and fell off the school after the duel, so we won’t be seein’ him soon.”

 

Mann McOldsmobile went back home, curled up in a heavy blanket and watched some TV.

 

MANN MCOLDSMOBILE PLOTLINE – COMPLETE

 

MEANWHILE, WITH JADEN AND BANNER…

Jaden had just sliced Banner in half with the Shining Finger Sword technique. His legs and torso fell in two separate places on the dueling floor. “Jaden, you did it,” Syrus said. “You won.”

“But… I killed him, yo,” Jaden realized, shaking.

“Professor, are you alive?!” Koala Ko Ala shrieked!

“Uuuugh,” Banner groaned. The lights came on. The shadowy background turned back into the original yellow underground room. There were several props including, among other things, a black machine, some dynamite, an anti-gravity-distortion engine, a light machine, and a giant bucket of water.

“What… what’s with that stuff?!” Syrus cried!

“It was… all an act,” Banner groaned. “Actually I was dead all along, technically,” Banner revealed.

“What?” Jaden asked, looking up.

“Yeah, I’ll explain everything to you now,” Banner decided, going into super-reminiscent mode.

 

Long, long ago, back when Yu-Gi-Oh was about a boy with a split ancient Egyptian personality, there was a boy named Yugioh, who

“He wasn’t named Yugioh!” Syrus syed. “He was just named Yugi!”

“Hey, who’s the sick man telling this story?”

So long, long ago, back when Yu-Gi-Oh was about a boy with a split ancient Egyptian personality, there was a boy named Yugioh, who went into a temple and set his persona free, standing with his old friends who were named Tea Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Joey ‘Wheelah’ Wheeler, and Marik, Odion, and Ishuzu Ishtar, who were Egyptian. They had just succeeded in sealing away that deep-voiced Yugioh forever in the afterlife. “Well,” Yugioh sniffed, teary-eyed, “it’s over. Let’s go home, guys.” The giant stone walls of the tomb, which had been previously open with bright, white light leading to the afterlife, had begun to close quickly.

“I’m proud ‘o ya’, Yoog,” Joey congratulated. “’Dat took guts, man.”

“Wait, WHO’S Atem again?” Tristan asked, confused. “WHERE AM I?!?!”

“You’re in Egypt,” Marik, the effeminate Egyptian male said.

“LIES!!” Tristan screamed, punching Marik in the face and running away, crying his eyes out.

“Not again,” Tea groaned.

“Should I go aftah him?” Joey asked, ready to bolt.

“No, he’ll come back for this,” Tea sighed, taking out some cheese from her pocket.

“Oh yes, that always works,” Ishuzu , the sister of Marik remembered.

 

“I guess we’re done here,” Yugioh said, shrugging and walking away. BUT SUDDENLY… a small yellow soul orb floated out from the wall!

“’OLY SMOKES, YOOG!!” Joey screamed! “WHASSUP WIT’ DAT?!” The small yellow orb floated into the mouth of Odion, the tall muscular Egyptian who hasn’t said anything up to this point.

“Owm,” he said, eating it on accident.

“ODION, SPIT THAT BACK UP THIS INSTANT!!” Ishizu ordered!

“But it tastes so good!” Odion cried!

“Now THAT’S a good reason,” Joey agreed.

“Yup,” Odion agreed. He stood still for a few seconds. “BLARGH?!” he spat, somehow transforming painfully!! He grew black hair! His eyes narrowed! His body shrunk to the size of a child! His skin tone lightened up! He grew a pair of glasses!! He was… HE WAS… “Hello, everyone, I am a byproduct of the spirit of Aknadin, also known as Aknadin II.”

 

“Um… is Odion dead?” Marik asked.

“And wasn’t Aknadin an enemy we faced earlier, in ancient Egypt?” Tea asked.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ODION?!” Ishizu screamed!

“Oh, I forcefully stole his body in order to take on physical form,” Aknadin II said. “He’s not coming back.”

“ODIOOOOON!!” Ishizu cried!

“What a darn shame,” Marik said, kicking some dust.

“So… eh, if you’s evil, then why ain’tcha evil?” Joey asked.

“I have no idea what you just said, but I was pretty much the good side of his evil soul that was ripped off by Atem, AKA your alter-ego-spirit-guy, Yugioh,” Aknadin II explained.

“Oh,” Yugioh accepted as Ishizu wailed in the corner on Marik, “but why did he do that?”

“Because he knew that a wimp like you couldn’t survive by yourself without a servant like me,” Aknadin II stated.

“But we just dueled. And I beat him. That was supposed to prove I don’t need him anymore. So why—”

“Oh, I’m not talking about card games, I mean REAL-LIFE,” Aknadin II explained. “I mean, you? Win a fight? Aha-ha-ha, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t have to be such a jerk about it,” Yugi sniffed. “So you’ll follow me around?”

“Yes sir,” Aknadin II said.

“And you’ll do whatever I tell you to?” Yugioh checked.

“Sure.”

“Can you have a better name, Mr. Spirit-Given-Physical-Child-Form?” Tea inquired.

“Sure, call me Lyman Banner,” Aknadin II/Lyman Banner allowed.

“’Ey, why don’t we all go’n celebrate wit’ Brooklyn-style pizza down at ‘da Egyptian Brooklyn-Style Pizza Shop downtown?” Joey declared.

“Yeah.”

“Sure.”

“Sounds good.”

“Does ANYBODY else besides us care about Odion?”

“ODIOOOOOOOOOOON!!”

“Shut up, Ishizu and Marik.”

“Yeah, shut up, Ishizu and Marik.” Everybody got ready to leave Ishizu and Marik as Tristan bolted back into the temple!

“CHEESE!!” Tristan shouted, diving onto the cheese left earlier! He got caught in a mousetrap.

“It still works!” Tea cheered!

 

“Why did you give us every scrap of dialogue back there?” Koala Ko Ala wondered.

“And what was with that cheese subplot?” Syrus complained.

“I thought it might be funny,” he answered. “And then, Yug…” Banner stopped. “Gimmee a sec…” Banner died. A yellow soul orb floated out of his corpse. “And then Yugioh later recalled that he saw a boy named Jaden Yuki in the past in two separate occasions and needed to check up on him, so that’s how I was planted here in order to keep tabs on your progress, and finally tonight teach you an important lesson.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!” Syrus and Koala Ko Ala screeched!

“HE’S DEEEEEEEEEAD!!!” Jaden added!

“No no no,” Banner’s orb urged, shaking, “I just said I was dead all along! Stop crying!”

“Wait,” Syrus thought, getting grip, “so our alchemy-obsessed teacher was, in actuality, part of an evil man from Ancient Egypt™’s soul, given physical form around twenty years ago, by taking the body of an innocent man?”

“Yep,” Banner answered.

“That’s just odd.”

“Yes, I know.” The soul ‘turned’ to Jaden. “But Jaden, haven’t you realized how you’ve won yet?”

“Uh, I attacked and cut’cha in half thanks to Shadow Magic, yo,” Jaden recalled.

“This wasn’t a Shadow Duel. I thought we’d covered that.”

 

“Wait… so then… I REALLY CUT’CHA IN HALF MYSELF, G?!” Jaden cried out in surprise!

“No way,” Syrus said, “that’s impossible! How could he do that by himself?!”

“His mind made it real, and all it took was the stressfulness of almost having your friends die through battle,” Banner assured. “You will need this skill most definitely in the future, as your duels get even more important for the fate of the real world, and I also have a warning: within the next two years, you need to have perfected this skill.”

“Why, yo?” Jaden asked.

“There is someone in your future that you need to kill,” Banner told him, dead-serious.

Wait, kill?! “B-but teach,” Jaden said uneasily, “you KNOW I couldn’t do it. I can’t just up’n KILL someone!”

“That didn’t stop you from trying against me,” said Banner. The phrase disturbed Jaden.

Without warning, Pharaoh meowed “MEOW”, and ate Banner’s soul.

“………….” Everybody stared at him. They soon decided to walk away and never speak of it again.

 

JADEN PLOTLINE – COMPLETE

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 50: Duel Monsters Spirit Day]The screen was black. “Billy Hills was just an average teenage boy…” the announcer began. The screen lightened up a bit, showing Billy Hills standing in a jet, wearing a tuxedo and a jetpack.

“I reckon I’m ready,” Billy Hills reckoned. The cargo bay opened and dropped Billy Hills over a secret island, with an evil mastermind’s lair of operations and a blazing volcano.

“… But then he became a secret agent,” the announcer concluded. Billy Hills, using the jet pack, flew into the evil compound.

“Hey, Dr. Evilguy!” Billy Hills yelled, throwing the jet pack away. “I reckon it’s time t’ CLEAN UP SHOP!!”

“Well well well,” said a smug, bald man in a spinning chair, petting a grey cat. “It’s been a while, Secret Agent Billy Hills.”

“I reckon it’s time to CLEAN UP SHOP!!” Billy Hills yelled, clenching his fist and running at Dr. Evilguy!! Suddenly the chair shifted to the right, causing Billy Hills to fall into some sort of white capsule. “What in tarnation?!” he cried!

“So long, Secret Agent Billy Hills,” chuckled Dr. Evilguy, as he pressed a big red button.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” screamed Billy Hills, being shot through a complex system of tubes into the island’s volcano.

 

The screen faded. As the picture came back, Billy Hills awoke in a strange new world. It was an average city, but constructed entirely of magma!! “Oh mah gosh,” he gasped, seeing all the new sights! He looked at a magma building. “Magma building?!” He looked at a magma street. “Magma street?!” He looked at a magma woman walking a magma dog. “Magma dog?!” Then a magma man walked up to Billy Hills.

“Hey kid, wanna earn some magma money?” the magma man asked.

“MAGMA MONEY?!” Billy Hills screamed, clutching his head with both hands!

 

Later, Billy Hills was in his new magma apartment with his magma girlfriend. “Ahh, this is the life, I reckon,” he said, laying on his magma couch, watching magma programs on their magma TV.

“Oh Billy, I never wanna leave you again,” the magma girlfriend said.

“But,” the narrator hinted, “would Billy Hills really get to live his charmed life… forever?”

 

“WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED,” said a newscaster one morning, “WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED AGAINST THE OCEANS OF THE WORLD.”

Billy Hills, who was brushing his teeth with his magma toothbrush, still wearing his tuxedo, did a spit-take, hardening some of the magma in his magma sink. “I RECKON IT SAID WHAT?!” The screen showed some horrible CG-animated men made out of water with water rifles, and then pictured a giant water spaceship descending over the magma town.

 

Then Billy Hills was talking to his magma girlfriend, who stood in the doorway. She looked rather distraught. “Billy,” she told him, “I’m pregnant.”

“That’s GREAT news, I reckon!” Billy Hills answered.

“But the thing is… YOUR TWIN BROTHER IS THE FATHER.” An evil-looking magma Billy Hills with a handlebar moustache appeared beside her!

“BWAHAHAHAHA!!” he laughed!

“B-BABY, IT’S OKAY, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!” Billy Hills cried!

“I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore,” the magma girlfriend sighed as she jumped onto Billy Hills’ brother’s magma motorcycle with him. The two drove away, leaving Billy Hills feeling dejected.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” he roared to the heavens!

 

Some days later he was driving his magma SUV down Magma Avenue when some old magma lady up in front of him was driving really slowly. He honked his horn a few times. “LADY, I RECKON YOU SHOULD SPEED UP!!” This angered the lady. She got out of her car and started scratching Billy Hills’ magma SUV’s magma door with her magma keys! Then she punctured the gas tank. The magma SUV exploded. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” he roared to the heavens!

 

Another scene featured Billy Hills eating at a magma restaurant. The magma waiter walked by and handed Billy Hills the magma bill. He looked at it. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” he roared to the heavens!

 

One more scene had Billy Hills in a magma restroom. He reached for the magma toilet paper. It was all gone. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” he roared to the heavens!

 

The movie logo appeared on screen, which was loosely based on the James Bond 007 logo. “SECRET AGENT BILLY HILLS 2: THE RECKONING,” the TV shouted. “COMING SEPTEMBER 15th 2009.” Mann McOldsmobile lifted up the TV and threw it out the window into the ocean.

“THAT MOVIE WON’T BE ANY GOOD!!” Mann McOldsmobile raged!

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Syrus screamed! “OUR TV!!”

“BUT THAT WAS JUST PLAIN REDUNDANT!! SERIOUSLY, TOO MUCH MAGMA!!”

“They just HAD to name it The Reckoning.”

“Was there even a FIRST movie?”

“Why does Billy Hills get his own crappy film series?”

“WHY CAN’T I HANDLE IT!?!?”

“NOW what will I watch while I eat?!” Koala Ko Ala sobbed! “JADEN, TEACH HIM A LESSON!!”

“…” Jaden sat under Mann McOldsmobile’s bed, feeling really torn up inside.

“B-but teach,” Jaden said uneasily, “you KNOW I couldn’t do it. I can’t just up’n KILL someone!”

“That didn’t stop you from trying against me,” said Banner.

 

“Jaden, we’re sorry about how things turned out,” Syrus said, “but you’ve gotta come out some time. It’s been three days, and you haven’t even used the bathroom! Do you know how tore-up your kidneys are right now?” He patted Mann McOldsmobile’s shoulder. “And Mann, we’re all really sad about how things had to go with Cuts n’ Guts, but shouldn’t you honor them by not dwelling on their deaths?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Mann McOldsmobile coughed. “Have you ever killed two of your closest friends before?”

“Yes,” Syrus admitted, “Yes I have. Several times.” He looked down solemnly for a moment.

“Um, well…” Koala Ko Ala said nervously. “I’ll give you guys a Philly cheese steak if you snap outta it.” He held up two tasty sandwiches, asking the question of where he got them from.

 

The door was suddenly kicked down! Angry McArgue leaped into the room and threw Mann McOldsmobile’s bed off of Jaden. “Wha?!” he gasped. Angry McArgue stomped on Jaden’s back, pinning him down! “OW, YO!”

“Uh, what?” Mann McOldsmobile wondered, turning to see what had happened. Then he felt something on his back!! It was Nancy Wut, wrapping her arms around Mann’s shoulders, and her legs around his waist!

“PAROOOOOO!!” she telegraphed, pulling his spine backward! There was a massive crack.

“GUWAAAH!!” Mann McOldsmobile gurgled, falling over and foaming at the mouth.

 

“What. The hell. Is going on. In here. Right now.” Syrus asked, restraining himself from screaming his head off.

“And why’re you diggin’ your heel in, lady?! OW-HOW-HOW!!”

“I’LL GIVE YOU TWO THESE PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS IF YOU JUST PLEASE LEAVE!!” Koala Ko Ala whimpered, holding out the two sandwiches. They were smacked out of his hands. “OW!”

“If they aren’t Sammiches, I don’t care!” Nancy Wut growled.

Alexis walked into the room and placed her hands on her hips. “Okay guys, Temporary Sket-Dan is here.”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 50: Duel Monsters Spirit Day

 

“Boys, it’s been a few days, and you’ve been stuck in your room this whole time,” Alexis said sternly. “We’re here to snap you out of this funk.”

“Yeah, get funk-ay!” Nancy Wut grooved.

“No, that’s what we DON’T want them to do,” Angry McArgue groaned. “Now you two, today is the yearly school festival that EVERY Japanese school-child looks forward to. We’re going to abuse this in order to get you people back to normal!”

“But I don’t WANNA go outside, yo!” Jaden complained.

“Try saying that again when you AREN’T tied up,” Angry McArgue said, pulling Jaden along with a lasso. “Syrus, what’s wrong with Jaden?”

“Oh, he dueled Professor Banner, at which point he died,” Syrus said.

“…” Angry McArgue felt kinda sad. She handed the lasso to Alexis. “You take care of it.”

“What about Mr. McManmobile?” Nancy Wut asked, adorably screwing up the guy’s name.

“Don’t call him that,” said Syrus.

“No, don’t tell her that! The name’s too CUTE!” Angry McArgue said, not being angry in the slightest.

“He killed all his robot friends for the sake of the world,” Koala Ko Ala said.

“I know JUST the thing to PERK him up!” Nancy Wut exclaimed, picking him up and dragging Angry McArgue away with her.

“WAIT WAIT WAIT!! I CAN WALK, TOO!! AHH, THE STAIRS!!” Everybody got back to the main conversation as Nancy Wut dragged Angry McArgue down the cold, unforgiving stairs.

 

“Now Jaden,” Alexis said, standing him up, though not untying him yet, “today is Duel Monsters Spirit Day at the academy. While I could care less about Banner, since I don’t even remember who he was—”

“I think you met him in episode 14.”

“Well alright, but do you still like dueling?” Alexis asked.

“Uh, no, for I am an ultra-unholy engine of destruction, yo,” Jaden sadly admitted to himself.

“I can barely see how dueling can kill anybody, but we’re gonna take care of that today.”

“Um, Alexis,” Syrus inquired, “what’re you going to do with Jaden? The way I see it, you’re going to be doing something really, really scary.”

“No, we’re going to go outside and force him to duel somebody,” Alexis explained.

“Oh that’s okay then.”

Jaden blinked. “Wait, y’all, I can’t be doin’ all that duelin’ and stuff anymo’, remember how I just said I killed a man while dueling.”

“He was already dead, Jaden! Gosh, can’t you even remember?” Koala Ko Ala yelled, irritated. “He was some guy’s half-of-a-spirit who took Odion’s body and shifted it into the form of a boy!”

“Stop saying confusing things!!” Alexis ordered! “Let’s keep the story simple, alright?”

“Um, well Jaden dueled his professor, who was evil, kinda, but was really good the whole time, and he taught Jaden how to make holograms real with sheer force of will,” Syrus explained.

“AND BANNER WAS REALLY AN ANCIENT SPIRIT FROM EGYPT SO HE WAS DEAD ALL ALONG!!” Koala Ko Ala hastily added. Alexis shook her head and walked away, pulling Jaden along for the ride.

 

MEANWHILE…

The entire school ground was done up like a carnival! Cool, colorful stands were placed up everywhere you could see, and most students were dressed up in terrible costumes of random Duel Monsters. A vendor walked around with some struggling Kuribohs, impaled by large toothpicks. “KURIBOH DUMPLINS, GETCHA’ KURIBOH DUMPLINS HEAH!!” he shouted.

“Did he just say ‘Kuriboh dumplings?’” a girl asked her other female friend.

“Che, yeah, but who’d wanna eat a Kuriboh?” asked her other female friend.

 

Baseball Bob bit his writhing Kuriboh right off the stick and swallowed it. “Mmm, fuzzy!” he said delightedly as he scratched his itching stomach.

Bastion Misawa was walking around with his friends, inspecting the sights. Piggybank was emulating her inner Agent of Creation – Venus, and Baseball Bob was dressed up as – what else? He wore a red baseball outfit, pretending to be a card called ‘Ultimate Baseball Kid’. Oh, that Bob! Fluffy Fred was in a fancy Kuriboh outfit because it was hip with the cool kids, and Bastion was merely wearing a red bowtie. Under that, he had a new shirt he’d won at one of the thousands of carnival booths around the building. It had Bleach’s very own Wonderweiss Margera, holding a bottle of EVA-01 Steak Sauce and reaching lustily for a Sammich whilst wearing a two-headed kitty on his hat. “Boy, I sure am lucky to have won this shirt today,” Bastion said, inhaling the carnival atmosphere.

“But Bastion,” Piggybank asked, surprisingly not grabbing or caressing him today, “what’s with your outfit? I can’t see any Duel Monsters represented in that shirt.”

“I’m SHAPESNATCH, THE BOWTIE WITH HORRIBLE POWER!! Why?”

“Just askin’.”

“That is the BEST idea ever,” Fluffy Fred said.

“Nah, I’ve seen better,” Omega-Xis said, staring at a boy dressed as The Winged Dragon of Ra. What is this longing…?

“But you do have to admit, he doesn’t look as humiliating as everybody else does,” Baseball Bob noted.

“Duly noted.”

“Hey what’s that over there?” Fluffy Fred asked, pointing at a flyer on a random brick wall!

 

“Let me see that piece of paper,” Bastion said, pulling it off of the brick wall. It had a picture of a guy in a hula hoop. “Hula Hoop Competition ’05: The Reckoning: Smackdown ’08 Doomsday Edition 12.5,” Bastion read. “Come and enter! It’s all the rage! Hula with a hula hoop! The last one left standing wins… WINS TEN BUCKS?! THAT’S LIKE, TWO BOOSTER PACKS!! MAYBE EVEN THREE!!”

“Or a STARTER DECK!!” Piggybank added!

“Well then, I guess we’re entering,” Omega-Xis sighed.

“Hell YEAH we’re entering!” Bastion shouted, startling several random bystanders.

“For the money!” Baseball Bob announced!

“Random statement!” Fluffy Fred stated. “What’re we waiting for? LET’S GET OUR BUTTS DOWN THERE AND WATCH BASTION BEAT THEM BOSSY-BUTT FOOLS, B-YATCH-UH!!” And so they all ran off, throwing people out of the way as they went.

 

MEANWHILE, WITH JADEN…

Alexis was now dressed up as a random Harpy Lady, pulling along Jaden by rope, who was dressed as the Dark Magician. He looked rather depraved. “How could you?” he croaked.

“We can’t have you involved with the full experience if you aren’t dressed up,” Alexis said.

You stripped me down naked and threw me in a costume while tied up in a lasso, lady,” Jaden moaned. “I don’t think I’ll recover from that, yo.

“Hey, I’ve seen people who look worse,” Alexis quasi-complimented.

“Really?” Jaden asked, perking up.

“No.”

 

“Ignoring that, what’re we doin’ here anyways, Alexis?” Jaden asked.

“Easy: we’re finding you a duelist to duel who isn’t me.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAT YO?!” Jaden gasped! “You gotta be yankin’ my chain.”

“But the question we need to ask is ‘why?’” Zane Truesdale asked, popping up in a Cyber Dragon costume made out of a cardboard box (his head was in the torso). He was jiggling around in the dirt, because there were no arm or leg holes.

“DAAAAH!! GALACTIC PUNT!!” Alexis shrieked, kicking Zane into the horizon!!

“… What ‘da hell was that all about?” Jaden asked.

“If I see Zane, then I KNOW I’ll get side-tracked,” Alexis said.

“Naw, I meant what was up with that one line of dialogue?”

“Oh, he had to say something this episode.”

“Well, sis,” Atticus snickered, approaching, “I guess we can say you KICK ‘em as you SEE ‘em!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Atticus, yo,” Jaden announced.

“Hey, bro, how’s it going?” Alexis asked. Atticus whipped out a camera and took a picture of Alexis, in all her Harpy Lady cosplaying glory. “Heh, yeah, now to sell this baby!”

“… That was uncomfortable,” Alexis said, shaken.

“Also I found Jaden a duel partner, because I could hear your conversation, somehow. Don’t ask how.” Atticus side-stepped and allowed Dark Magician Girl to step forward!

“Hi, everyone! I’m DAAAAAAAAAAARK MAGICIAN GIRL!!” she announced, taking on a cutesy pose.

 

“Yeah, but who are you, really?” Jaden asked. “I don’t feel right, possibly killin’ somebody I don’t know, in a humiliatin’ costume.”

“EEEH?!” Dark Magician Girl shrieked! “B-but I’m a Duel Spirit! Don’t accuse me of being some creepy girl who likes to cosplay like Duel Monsters! No offense!”

“Jaden, it’s okay if you kill her, just this once,” Alexis said.

“EEEH?!”

“STOP YANKIN’ MAH CHAIN!!” Jaden roared, bursting free from the lasso he was ensnared in!! “I told you, I ain’t dueling! I don’t like my chain being yanked!”

“SHUT UP,” Alexis growled, slashing his face with her Harpy Lady claws. “Haven’t I told you that today is an exercise in restraining yourself? You never even NOTICED how you were bending reality like you were until somebody told you. Now calm down and duel her. If you can control yourself, you’ll figure out how easy it is to not kill somebody.”

“Can’t you word it any differently?”

“No, I can’t,” Alexis sighed. “NOW DUEL!!” Atticus, Jaden, and Dark Magician Girl cowered and cautiously stepped away from her.

“Y-yes, ma’am.”

 

**********

 

A teenage boy was sitting with his small sister on the stoop of their city apartment building. The boy threw a small rubber ball next to some jacks. As it bounced off the ground, he quickly scooped up some jacks and caught the ball. “And that’s how you play jacks, sis!” he announced.

“Wow, let ME try!” the girl insisted! She bounced the ball. It rebounded off of the sidewalk and into the passing garbage truck. The girl was stunned.

“Aw, don’t worry,” the helpful boy assured, patting her head, “I’m SURE you’ll get better with practice. BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU.

“Big bro, you’re the best bro a sibling could ask for!” the girl said, hugging him.

 

Suddenly, Mann McOldsmobile walked past, wearing typical delinquent clothing: a tweed jacket and a bowler hat, whilst twirling a wooden cane around. “Oh crap!” Everybody along the street ducked away into windows and cardboard boxes. The boy turned around, facing the apartment building, and urged his sister to do the same.

“Big bro, what’s wrong?” the little girl asked. “He doesn’t look so scary, aside from his clothes.”

“Doo doo doo doo doo,” Mann McOldsmobile sang.

Sis, watch out,” he whispered. “It’s Mann McOldsmobile, the punk that kills people when they talk bad about AW HELL WHAT’VE I DONE?!?!”

 

Mann McOldsmobile turned his steely gaze at the brother figure. “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” ordered the Mann.

“N-n-n-no, it was an accident!!” the brother cried!

“I’LL TEACH YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME!!” Mann McOldsmobile tossed his cane at the nameless character! It struck him in the right eye and stuck out of his head like some sort of nightmarish, curved horn!!

“WAAAAAAAAAH!! BROTHER!!” the sister shrieked! As the brother gasped for air, unable to scream for the sheer pain he was experiencing, Mann McOldsmobile leaped on him and smashed his head in with his fists. He continued to punch until his skull was completely plastered into the sidewalk, then stood up and stomped his body for good measure.

“DON’T MESS WITH ME!! LEAVE ME ALONE, PEOPLE!!” Mann McOldsmobile ordered!

“WHY?!” Something was beating on Mann McOldsmobile’s leg. It was the sister, who was punching to futilely get revenge for her late brother. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHY DID YOU HURT MY BRO?! HOW COULD YOU?!?!”

 

Mann McOldsmobile raised his fist, intent on crushing her like a grape. A bone-filled grape. But he wavered. This girl… He adjusted his bowler hat, bowed his head, and walked away. She reminds me too much of myself from back then… he thought. He could still hear her scream as he left the scene.

 

“BROTHEEEEER!!!”

**********

 

MEANWHILE, WITH BASTION…

“EVEREHBODEH LISEN!!” Ducktail Mickey announced!! “DA FESTIVITES ARE ABOUT ‘TA BEGIN!!”

“Woot,” cheered the 37-man-strong audience, united under a banner with a hula hoop on it. Which in this case means a shakily-drawn black circle drawn in pencil. Thirteen people bothered to wander into the large dirt circle allotted for a hula-hooping contest, but sadly half of them didn’t have much of a game face on. That includes Mann McOldsmobile, who was standing inside of a hoop, still waking up from when he was knocked unconscious earlier.

“Hey, Mann,” Bastion greeted, smacking him on the back with his Omega-Xis hand.

“Ow,” Omega-Xis said.

“WHUH-HUH?!” Mann McOldsmobile cried, surprised. “Woah, you woke me up there. Where am I?”

“Why, you’re in the Hula Hoop Competition ’05: The Reckoning: Smackdown ’08 Doomsday Edition 12.5,” Bastion explained.

“… Huh? All I remember is having an unpleasant dream about the past and stuff. That name doesn’t even make sense.”

“But all the numbers make it sound official, silly!” Nancy Wut insisted, appearing from behind Mann McOldsmobile.

“Why’d you enter me in a hula hooping competition?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Because it’d link up plotlines in a funny way!” Omega-Xis thought.

“Because she knew it would be the best thing after a mid-morning nap, of course!” Bastion thought.

“No, she did it because she thought it would be funny to see him wake up in a weird place like that,” Angry McArgue stated from the audience, eating out of a 30-pound tub of popcorn. Bastion’s gang was standing around and mooching off of her food supply.

“She’s right,” Nancy Wut agreed, nodding.

“Yo, Bastion!” Fluffy Fred greeted, waving at the boy in the awesome t-shirt.

“We just saw you all three minutes ago, we know where you are,” Omega-Xis said.

“HOLY… BASTION, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR HAND?!” Fluffy Fred screamed!

“Huh?” Bastion looked at Omega-Xis, shocked.

“… I’ve been here for several weeks, now…”

 

“Heh heh heh,” chuckled somebody. It was… SHADES MILLIGAN, standing over the two contestants as his hoop circled his body repeatedly. “Seems like SOMEBODY’S in it to win it.”

“SH-SH-SH-SHADES MILLIGAN?!” Angry McArgue gasped! “What the hell are YOU doing, inserting yourself with a sporty phrase?!”

“And how’re you hoopin’ without movin’?” Nancy Wut validly asked.

“Oh, I just came to see if Alexis was here in order to win her fancy,” Shades Milligan said, allowing his shades to shimmer in the sunlight.

“Oh boy, then where’s Chazz and his gang?” Baseball Bob joked. “We can’t have two of the lovey-dovey trio without the third, aheh-heh.”

“Chazz and his friends are SICK,” Shades Milligan said harshly, “since they got food poisoning from that glop they serve at the Slifer Toolshed! How could you be so insensitive as to not know?”

“But I—”

“SILENCE!!” Shades Milligan held his finger out like a pistol and fired something unseen at Baseball Bob, knocking him and his Baseball Kid uniform over! The HAT FELL OFF, TOO!!

 

“WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!” Piggybank yelled!

“What?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“NOT YOU!!”

“Sorry, he just couldn’t get with it,” Shades Milligan shrugged, as if it weren’t his fault. “If he can’t stay up-to-date, he doesn’t deserve to stay in this story.”

“MILLIGAN, DON’T MAKE ME FIRE ENERGY BULLETS UP YOUR ASS!!” Omega-Xis threatened!

“Yeah, don’t touch my friends like that!” Bastion growled, grabbing Shades Milligan’s cuff!

“Silly kid and robot hand, tryin’ to copy me,” Shades Milligan chuckled, knocking Bastion’s meaty hand away, “I DIDN’T touch him, and I don’t HAVE an ass anymore!” Bastion and Omega-Xis, shocked, stopped to think about that statement.

“RRRRR… YOU IRK ME!!” Piggybank became the focus again and lobbed a blue sphere, not unlike the ones her costume namesake would have floating around herself, at the robot kid. The ball exploded, as if Shades Milligan was using some cybertech psychic cyborg powers…

“OH MAN HOW’D HE DO THAT?!” Fluffy Fred cried!

“Don’t ask me,” Mann McOldsmobile shrugged trying to escape the conversation.

 

Shades Milligan switched out his standard sunglasses for his new, orange Kamina Kamino Glasses™ with a sly smirk. “Well, you’d all better watch out. I heard that last year, Alexis won this competition. That probably means that she’s watching right now, so if I can do the same… she’ll either not care, OR SHE’LL FALL HEAD-OVER-HEELS FOR ME AND MY SUPER-AWESOME PRO SKILLS!!”

“Shall I tell him now, or shall I spare him the humiliation for now?” Nancy Wut asked toward Angry McArgue. She sat next to her and grabbed a fistful of popcorn.

“Nah, make it hurt,” Angry McArgue suggested.

 

“NOW DA FESTIVITIES’RE STARTIN’ UP FO’ REAL, EVREHBODEH!!” Ducktail Mickey exclaimed, yelling into his microphone!! Everybody began to pay attention to him!

“Bastion, watch out!” Piggybank whispered to Bastion, holding the injured Baseball Bob on her shoulder. “I can’t figure out how he hit Baseball Bob or that ball earlier. Stay on your toes!” Bastion looked at her and gave her a thumbs-up.

“OKAY, FOLKS!! HERE GOES ‘DA ROLECAAAAAAALL!!” Ducktail Mickey yelled! “OVAH THERE, WE GOT MANN MCOLDSMOBILE, DA OLDEST GUY IN SCHOOL!! WATCH OUT, HE’S A FIGHTAH!! AN’ NEXT T’ HIM’S ‘DA GUY IN– WOOOAH, SHADES MILLIGAN’S PULLIN’ OUT ‘DA BIG SHADES TODAY! AND HE’S HALF MAN, HALF ROBOT! HIS TECHNIQUE PACKS A WALLOP!! BESIDE HIM’S A CROWD FAVORITE, BASTION MI-SA-WAAAAA, FATHAH OF ‘DA BASTION BASEBALL WRECKERS AND PROUD OWNAH OF A T-SHIRT!! WHAT’S ON IT? IT’S WONDERWEISS, HOLDIN’ UP DA EVA-01 STEAK SAUCE, REACHIN’ UP FOR DA SAMMICH!! OH GOD, I WISH I HAD THAT SHIRT, TOO!! ALSO HE HAS A FORGETTABLE ROBOT HAND. I WISH I COULD REMEMBER IT MO’ OFTEN!!

 

“AND OVAH HEAR, WE HAVE SOME OTHAH CHARACTERS WE ALL FORGOT ‘BOUT ‘CAUSE THEY PROBABLY ONLY APPEARED ONCE!! WHY DON’T THEY MATTER?! I WISH I CARED MORE ‘BOUT ‘EM!! WE GOT DAN DA DRAWAH, TH’ UNLUCKIEST DUDE I EVAH SAW!!” Dan the Drawer, very shaky-looking, held up his hula hoop around his waist. “THEN WE GOT BEEHIVE LARRY, WHOM I DON’T CARE MUCH FOR!!” Beehive Larry, the guy who looked normal except for his very expressive hairdo, smiled weakly. “AN’ WE GOT SOMEONE JONES!! SOMEBODEH PLEASE GET HIM OUTTA HEAH, BEFORE ‘E BORES ALL US T’ DEATH!! I REALLY HATE THIS KID!!”

“I don’t do that anymore! Gosh!” Someone Jones adamantly disagreed, frowning.

“’DAT’S GOOD, THEN!! AAAAAND… THERE’S ‘DA REST!!” Ducktail Mickey pointed to the other guys who were as-of-yet unnamed. The combatants glared at each other with unease and superiority.

 

“LET’S GO!! FINAL ROUTINE, SET!! MANN VS. SHADES VS. BASTION VS. DAN VS. THAT DUMB HAIR KID VS. SOMEONE VS. SEVEN OTHEH GUYS!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHH!!”

 

MEANWHILE, WITH JADEN…

Jaden and the apparent Dark Magician Girl stood at opposite ends of a crowded plaza and pulled Duel Disks out of their pockets. They put them on and got ready for forced dueling. “Uh, um…” Alexis shot them a horrifying glance. “D-DUEL!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, DMG: 4000 Life Points)

“OH CRAP, THEY SAID ‘DUEL’!!” some guy in a Buster Blader outfit screamed! He dropped his smoothie and ran off.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” The other random people around the area fled, in fear for their lives.

I don’t blame ’m, yo, Jaden thought to himself. “Eh, I GUESS you can go first,” he offered, as they stood atop cool plaza tables in a cool-ish fashion. Sadly the coolness was dulled, seeing as Jaden was standing in some applesauce and Dark Magician Girl was standing on a cat.

“Well thanks,” Dark Magician Girl thanked, drawing a card. It was the Dark Magician Girl card. Was there anything ELSE she could have drawn? NO. “I’ll just play a monster face-down,” she decided, playing a monster face-down. The elevated status of the players made it float a few feet off of the ground, looking kinda cool that way.

“Okay then… I’ll play Elemental Hero Bubbleman, in Attack Mode.” Batman the Blue appeared, looking really dull and depressed. (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) “Then I’ll draw two cards, because he’s the only monster on my field.” He drew two cards, nervously.

What’s with him today? Alexis asked herself. “Jaden, stop being such an indecisive wimp, Jaden! It’s not in your character to do that! Come on, your monsters don’t look like THAT!” Bubbleman fell on his face. “Perk up! You make me sick!”

“Is THAT how you ALWAYS support people?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? That’s totally bunk!”

“Well… I’d rather not get into it too much…” Alexis looked off dramatically to the right.

… Why do I feel guilty, yo? He shook it off. “Well then, I’ll do s’more stuff. I play Polymerization and fuse Bubbleman with Burstinatrix.”

“You never did that fusion before,” Alexis noted.

That’s because he SUCKS! Jaden remembered. So the two heroes stood side-by-side, then were absorbed into the magic sparkly whirlpool of desire. Out came a superfat pink and purple robot with pipes in its back.

“It’s Elemental Hero Steam Healer,” Jaden said.

“BEEP BOP BOOP,” it said, despite having a human head. (Steam Healer: 1800 Attack Points)

“He sucks,” Alexis and Dark Magician Girl said.

“I know, right, yo?”Jaden agreed. “Wait, should I have said that…?”

“IGNORE IT. STOP STALLING.”

“Geez, ‘Lexis, stop raggin’ on me! Stop harshin’ mah vibes, homegirl! I be tryin’ up in ‘dis hood t’duel like you made me, an’ I can do it like I wanna! Don’t be illin’! Look, now you gotta stop all that. I’m gonna jam. I’m gonna jet. Later days, sista’, ‘cause I’m out the door right now. Jus’ step off, yo. Step off.” After that confusing speech, Jaden turned to leave, fed-up with how he was being treated today.

He took one step off of the table before somebody said “BOO.”

 

Jaden looked around. There was an audience of about twenty people in front of him, standing around the ‘BOO’ duck. They looked at him and applauded. Huh? What’re they doin’? Jaden wondered. Wassup wit’ the clapping? Do they… do they actually wanna see me duel? “WELL I’M NOT ONE T’ DISSAPOINT, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Jaden laughed, spacing out and turning around! His eyes sparkled unnaturally!

“I’m not gonna be the one to tell him we came to see Dark Magician Girl,” stated one audience member.

“I just liked the rap,” some other random person said.

Natural idiocy and desire for the spotlight wins again! Alexis mentally celebrated! Soon, he’ll be back to normal! The plan was a roaring success!

“Steam Healer, smash that face-down!” Jaden ordered, leaping back onto some unlucky soul’s birthday cake!

“RAH!” Steam Healer’s cool rockets concealed under his feet thrusted it in front of the concealed monster! He smashed it with his oversized arms, flipping it over! It turned out to be some small, generic witch girl.

“Yes, some dialogue!” Dark Magician Girl celebrated! “When my Fire Sorcerer is flipped face-up, I can remove two cards in my hand from play and deal 800 points of damage to your Life Points!” She tossed two cards over her shoulder, as if she didn’t know what she was doing. “So, Fire Sorcerer, burn him!!” she commanded! The little girl complied, writing some symbols in the air with her fingers. The symbols glowed, and then summoned an orb of flames. The orb glowed blue and fired a COLUMN OF WHITE-HOT FLAMES AT JADEN!!

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” Jaden screeched, blocking his face! Luckily, it was only a hologram. Like usual. Right? (Jaden: 3200 Life Points) “Woah, heh heh, for a moment there…” Jaden gave up on the excuses and hunkered down. “Anyways, I’m not the ONLY one gettin’ burned down here! When my Steam Healer kills a monster, I gain Life Points equal to their Attack Points.”

“URRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Steam Healer yelled, smashing the little girl with his other giant fist! The audience was wondering if it was something to cheer over, or be horrified at. Meanwhile, the girl’s body was processed into steam. The cloud of steam drifted over Jaden.

“It’s so comfortable!” (Fire Sorcerer: 1000 Attack Points, 1500 Defense Points; Jaden: 4200 Life Points)

“EEEEEH?!” Dark Magician Girl gasped! “You gained more Life Points than you just lost?!”

“SICK BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!!” Jaden burned! “Told you!”

“How’s it feel to get back to normal?” Alexis asked him.

“Meh, I’m not as thrilled as usual. This is so far just an engine for revenge.”

“Oh, got it.”

“R-revenge for what?” Dark Magician Girl asked, confused.

“… BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” booed the viewing public!

“YOU SUCK, SLIFER SLACKER!”

“HOW DARE YOU BURN A LADY!”

“Yes, yes! Sweet applause!” The cries of outrage hit Jaden’s deaf ears. He turned to the crowd and tried to absorb their smooth vibes. He was lucky that he wasn’t hit by any of the fruits and vegetables they were flinging at him.

 

“Uh, um, guys?” Dark Magician Girl requested. “Could you please stop throwing things at him? I just got a rotten cabbage in my face…” She wiped a whole cabbage off of her head.

“YES MA’AM!!” the crowd complied, full of hormonal madness. The food barrage was cut short.

“OKAAA~Y!” the DMG cheerfully announced! “My turn! I summon Magician’s Valkyria!” A brown-haired, teal-armored magician lady appeared, resembling DMG in an uncanny fashion. (Magician’s Valkyria: 1600 Attack Points)

“OH MY GOSH THEY’RE TWINS!!” shouted the audience!

“I got the teal one!”

“Shut up, Charlie!”

“Aw…”

“As long as Magician’s Valkyria is on the field, you can’t attack any other Spellcaster monsters!” Dark Magician Girl explained.

“Who?” somebody asked.

“The magician guys.”

“Oh.”

 

“Anyways, I’m gonna use the Spell card Dimension Fusion!” The magician girl held out a green card with two guys flying through a weird alternate dimension. “I can pay up half of my Life Points in order to summon all monsters I’d removed from play so far!”

“Ha, you already threw them away,” Jaden chuckled, “good luck gettin’ THOSE two random cards you’d removed earlier!” The two cards she’d thrown away cruised back into her hand. “… I still refuse to believe that you’re the real Dark Magician Girl.”

“HEY, YOU SHUT UP!” ordered the Valkyria lady!

“Hey, don’t tell them to shut up, Valkyria One!” Dark Magician Girl ordered!

“Make me not tell them to shut up, then!” Valkyria One said, sticking her tongue out.

“Why is her card talking?” Alexis asked Jaden.

“Eh, Duel Spirits and crap.”

“Oh. And the Magician Girl herself?”

“Crazed lunatic.”

 

“Everybody, please excuse my sister for being so rude,” the magician girl apologized. “But anyways, back to the point, I use the effect of Dimension Fusion!” (Dark Magician Girl: 2000 Attack Points) She stepped next to her Valkyria One. “I Special Summon myself and the second Magician’s Valkyria from the removed from play area!” A second Magician’s Valkryia appeared as well! (Magician’s Valkyria: 1600 Attack Points)

“OH CRAP THEY’RE TRIPLETS!!” shouted the audience.

“Shut up before I blaze your faces off, pervs,” the second Magician’s Valkyria warned.

“Count me in, too,” Valkyria One decided, holding her small staff out and focusing icy energy from its tip.

“Hey hey hey, no killing the audience, Valkyria Two!” Dark Magician Girl commanded!

“Hmph, you’re just lucky you count as a tier-three mage,” Valkyria Two scoffed.

“Uh, wasn’t this a card game a minute ago?” Jaden asked. “What’s with all the arguin’ and family struggles?”

 

“Stay outta this!” Valkyria Two shouted, shooting a fireball at Jaden’s feet!

“YO WOAH!” He leaped back a pace, allowing the earth to become scorched in his place. “The hell?! That’s unfair! You attacked outta turn!”

“But it IS my turn!” the magician girl reminded.

Jaden turned to Alexis. “Uh, they’re tryin’ to kill me. I don’t feel right about fightin’ them and not tryin’ to kill them in return, and that goes against my principles. Can I leave?”

“No,” Alexis said.

“And why?”

“Because if you leave, you won’t get this,” Alexis said, holding out a bowl of ice cream.

“AWRIGHT, HURRY IT UP, LADIES, I GOTTA GAME T’WIN HERE!!” Jaden challenged!

“You got it!” Dark Magician Girl cheered, blasting away Jaden’s huge purple/pink fighting robot with a large ball of pink plasma.

“Damn, I really gotta start thinkin’ more often,” Jaden sighed. (Jaden: 4000 Life Points)

“Don’t start just yet,” Valkyria Two said, floating upward with her twin, “because here WE come.” They tapped their staves together!

“ICY FLARE, ALSO KNOWN AS BURNING CHILL ATTACK!!” Valkyria One screamed, as they launched a solid block of burning ice! It hit Jaden and shattered, releasing some hot water over him.

 

“YEOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!” he screamed! (Jaden: 800 Life Points)

“WOOOOOOOOOOT!!” cheered the stupid audience.

“Jaden, are you alright?” Alexis asked.

“No, that was one hot block of ice! I don’t even wanna understand THAT! It’s like I got hit by a pleasant bath!” Jaden explained. “Now, you done, gals?”

“Yeah,” Dark Magician Girl said, “you can go.”

“An idiot like you doesn’t even DESERVE to wear a Dark Magician costume,” Valkyria One spat.

“I was forced into it.”

“So?”

 

“Whatever; you’re just some tough jerks! And you know what they say,” the boy said, preparing a one-liner… “WHEN THE DUELIN’ GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET DUELIN’!!”

“BOO!!” screamed the audience. But Jaden didn’t care; he just drew his next card.

“I play Fusion Recovery!” Jaden tossed away a Spell card and reclaimed Polymerization and Burstinatrix from his Graveyard! “Then I re-play Polymerization and call out mah main man, Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!” Flame Wingman burst onto the scene, covered in fire!

“As long as we’re on the field, you can’t attack another Spellcaster, including the other Valkyria,” Valkyria Two said, recalling her twin’s special ability.

The audience erupted into jeers and laughter! “WHAT A DUMBO!! WHAT A CHEESEBALL!! HA HA HA! HE’S NOT SMART.”

“You’d better have a good Trap, because next time it won’t just be a block of ice,” Valkyria One said.

“Yeah, because just playing him by himself isn’t a very good idea,” Dark Magician Girl said.

“So?” Jaden asked.

“Valkyria,” Zane recalled, laying sideways on the far-off beach in his battered costume. “That special ability of hers is still in effect. As long as she’s out, Jaden can’t attack other Spellcaster-type monsters.”

“Thanks, Zane,” Jaden thanked. “I’ll just throw down two face-downs and end my turn.”

“BOO,” someone said.

“BOO, THROW DOWN, BOO!!” the audience joined in!

“You guys’re so redundant!!” Jaden countered! “Stop raggin’ on me!”

“NOT UNTIL YOU’RE AS ATTRACTIVE OR MORESO THAN THAT MAGICIAN GIRL!!”

“That’s fair,” Jaden conceded. But the question here’s if that girl’s SMART enough to counter these two cards I laid out. Mweh heh heh. I’m so gangsta.

 

MEANWHILE, WITH BASTION…

The hula hooping competition was in full swing. The “hoopers” had been “hooping” for about five minutes now. They were bored. The audience was bored. Everybody was really really bored. Three of the random kids involved went ‘screw it’ and left. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, BOOOOYOOS!! THREE GUYS DOWNN!!” Ducktail Mickey yelled! “’DIS IS GETTING HEATED UP!!”

“Not really,” Bastion sighed, legs tiring. He decided to sit down, so he carefully crossed his legs and dropped through the hoop, so as to be able to spin it with his neck.

“BASTION, THAT IS SO COOL!!” Piggybank screamed! Her eyes sparkled with admiration!!

“I’ve seen better,” Baseball Bob sighed, remembering his old ‘Hula Hoop Baseball League’ days…

“No you haven’t,” Fluffy Fred said, lightly smacking Baseball Bob in the head.

 

“Hm,” Omega-Xis noticed, “they like show-boating.”

“Who?” Bastion asked.

“The audience. Maybe if you pull a few stunts, you can get the others to do something stupid and screw up.”

“I like the sound of that, my hand!” Bastion decided! He ducked down and lifted his leg, making the hoop revolve around his leg! “See that, audience! It’s cool!” The audience clapped for him a bit.

“MISAWA’S MAKIN’ WAVES DOWN ‘DERE!!” Ducktail Mickey exclaimed! “WATCH OUT, KIDS! DON’T TRY THAT AT HOME!!” Bastion kicked the ring up and caught it around his arm as he stood up. “WOOOOAH, ‘DAT’S A RINGARM MANEUVER!! HE’S IN SUM RISKEH BUSSINESS NOW!!” The audience was now slightly interested!

 

“Keep it going, Bastion-baby!!” Piggybank cheered!

“YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME!!” Fluffy Fred shouted!

“Yeah, you sure can spin a hoop,” Baseball Bob said. As he said that, his stomach wound opened up with explosive power, sending a shower of blood over Piggybank’s head! “AAAAHHH, I’M BLEEDING!!”

“See, he says he’s bleeding with passion!!” Nancy Wut called! “Keep goin’, Bastion-kid!”

“He didn’t say that,” Angry McArgue verified. “Shouldn’t we be supporting Mann McOldsmobile here instead of his enemies?”

“Just look at’m. He’s not worth it yet.” Mann McOldsmobile was still hooping, like an amateur. He was still better than ME, WEATHER REPORT, though. And you all know how good I am at hula hooping. “Besides,” Nancy added, with a smirk, “shouldn’t we support him with a good enemy in this case?”

 

Meanwhile, Bastion got even more daring. He made the hoop go around and up his arm, then raised the arm above his head, letting it GO BACK TO HIS WAIST. “DAY-UM, GUYS!!” Ducktail Mickey announced, getting slightly flustered! “HE JUST PERFORMED A BYTUPLE-BYPASS-TRANSPLANT MANEUVER!! IN ALL MY YEARS, I AIN’T NEVAH SEEN SOMETHIN’ LIKE ‘DAT DONE SO PERFECTLEH!! IN FACT, ONE GUY OVAH THERE WIT’ NO NAME JUS’ TRIED T’ EMULATE’M AND FAILED HORRIBLY!!”

DAMN IT!!” shouted the failure kid, his hoop tangled in his short hair. The audience just ate it up, exploding into applause.

“And here I just thought all that stuff was really easy,” Bastion considered, shrugging. “This is maybe my third time ever doing this. I didn’t think it was such a serious sport.”

“Despite that, you’re doin’ perfect, Bastion!” Omega-Xis coached! “Keep it up, kid!”

“Omega-Xis, you’re the best spiritual advisor a kid could ask for,” Bastion thanked.

“I’m not a spirit.”

“Oh, you,” Bastion teased, waggling his finger.

 

“W-well, two can play at THAT game… SUCCESSFULLY!!” yelled Shades Milligan! If I can do better than Bastion and his cool talking wolf hand, then I can be slightly better in Alexis’ eyes! While everybody else around was too intimidated to copy Bastion’s success, Shades Milligan grabbed his hoop.

“OH MAH GOSH, SHADES’S JUS’ COMMITTED HULA HOOP SUICIDE!!” Ducktail Mickey cried! “’DAT’S JUS’ STUPID!! OH WHYYYYY?!”

“It’s not stupid, just look!” Shades Milligan permitted. Upon closer inspection, the hoop was still revolving around Shades Milligan, as he had ALMOST grabbed the hoop!

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, NOW ‘DAT’S A BIG PLAY!!” Ducktail Mickey announced, flustered! “IT’S HULA HOOP REVIVAL, ONE OF THE THIRTY-SIX LEGENDARY TECHNIQUES!! IN ALL MAH YEARS ‘O COMMENTATIN’…” He wiped his brow. “JUST… WOAH!” The crowd was amazed.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH,” they gasped! Some random people had joined in the crowd, drawn in by the spectacle.

“Well, watch this, then!” the second random guy jealously said. He took off his hoop and threw it at Someone Jones’ hoop. It bounced off, causing it to stop and fall. They were both out.

“DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION! BONUS ROUND!! BONUS ROUND!!” Ducktail Mickey babbled. “OH, AND WHAT’S THIS?! SOMEONE JONES’S JUST JUMPED ONTO THE NAMELESS WEIRDO, RESULTIN’ IN A FIGHT FO’ REVENGE!! DON’T MISS IT, FOLKS!!”

 

Someone Jones and the other guy rolled out of the dirt circle, locked in mortal combat. But everybody else had one thought in mind after that spectacle. “… Fight!” one guy ordered.

“Fight!” another one repeated.

“FIGHT!!”

“Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” the audience craved!

“But doesn’t that ignore the purpose of a hula hooping competition in the first place?” the third random kid asked. His hoop was slapped to the ground by Someone Jones, who then leaped back into his original battle.

“DISQUALIFIED!!”

“But he wasn’t even in the competition anymo—”

“DISQUALIFIED!!” The boy backed off. The hoopers stared at each other for a few seconds, hooping for their lives, as they thought of a way to win this random, idiotic competition. And then…

“FIRST TO STRIKE, FIRST TO WIN!!” shouted two of the unnamed characters, both girls in the Ra Yellow dormitories! They leaped in front of and behind the fifth random character and knocked their hoops into his own. They caused it to bounce back and forth uncontrollably, and there was nothing he could do as it began to falter.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!!” he screamed, as his hula hoop had fallen!

WOAH!! JUDGING BY HOW THESE THINGS GO, IT LOOKS AS IF WE’VE GOT SOME NEW PEOPLE T’ BE NAMED HERE!!” Mickey Ducktail gasped!

“And me, too,” snickered an Obelisk Blue with a somehow-disgusting……………….smile and large nose. He pulled out a large ball of steel yarn! “Steel yarn, go!” He whipped out a large bit of yarn and tossed it at the last random kid’s hoop! It made the hoop crash into the dirt!

“Aw man!” cursed the loser.

“YOU THREE, REVEAL THYSELFS!!” Ducktail Mickey ordered!

 

The three new guys took cool poses. “I am Ay Twin!” one of the girls said.

“And I am Bea Twin!” the other one said.

“TOGETHER, WE ARE THE TWIN SISTERS!!” they introduced! “And yes, it’s our last name, too.”

“And my name’s Sammy Steel, nice t’meet ‘ya,” the creepy guy revealed, twirling some yarn above his head.

“How heavy is that yarn?!” some onlookers whispered.

“How does he carry it like that?”

“D’you think that we can date the twins over there?”

“They have funny names!”

 

Mann McOldsmobile took one powerful step forward and got into Sammy Steel’s face. “W-woah?!” Sammy Steel gasped!

“I’ll be taking that!” Mann McOldsmobile said, taking the steel thread! He pitched it at Shades Milligan like a baseball ace. Woah, Baseball Bob marveled.

“What Does This Have To Do With Duel Monsterrrrrs… PAWNCH!!” Mann McOldsmobile called out, giving a gigaton-uppercut to Sammy Steel’s chin!! He was knocked right out of his hoop.

 

“AW MAN, I HAVE NEVAH SEEN AN APTLY-NAMED PAWNCH LIKE ‘DAT SINCE GRADE SCHOOL!! AND BOY HOWDY, IT WAS A BIG ‘UN THEN, TOO!!” Ducktail Mickey screeched! “THIS IS JUST GETTIN’ BETTAH N’ BETTAH!!”

“Now we strike!” Ay Twin decided, as she and her twin appeared next to Mann McOldsmobile!

“But I want to be the first to talk, sometimes,” Bea Twin sighed.

“OH, AN’ MANN MCOLDSMOBILE’S GETTIN’ FLANKED FROM BOTH SIDES NOW!! WHAT’LL HE DO NOW?! WHAT WILL HE DO?!

“That joke got old a while ago!” Bastion said, aiming and firing a few Omega-Xis bullets at Ay Twin! She took them in the face!

“Ugh! My face!!” Ay Twin cried, falling over!

“But seriously, I’d like to be first once,” Bea Twin sighed. Then she looked down and noticed that her entire lower body was wrapped up in iron yarn. “Dammit.”

“Looks like we’ll have to keep you…” Shades Milligan began. He waited a moment for the line to have more effect. “UNDER WRAPS!!” He tugged the line and caused her to drill into the ground, leaving the hoop behind.

 

“OOOOH MAH GOOOOOSH, EVEREHBODEH LISSEN NOW!!” Ducktail Mickey screamed, trying to be heard over the audience’s roars of approval! “THE TRIO HAS JUS’ BEAT OUT ‘DA OTHAH TRIO OF OVER-HYPED CHARACTERS!! HOW WILL IT END, NOW THAT WE’RE DOWN TO ‘DA FINAL THREEEEE?!”

It comes down to them, then, Angry McArgue thought confidently, reaching for the last of her popcorn.

I just hope that Bastion doesn’t misjudge his opponents, Piggybank wished. He’s gotta watch out for Shades. If he can just take him out…

Damn, I KNEW I shouldn’t have placed my money on that Jones kid! Nancy Wut thought, throwing down her tickets in disgust.

 

Shades Milligan threw the ball of yarn at the ground. It bounced somehow and hit Dan the Drawer in the face! “ARGH, I WAS FORGOTTEN!!” he cried!

“Alright folks, it’s time for the home stretch,” Shades Milligan said, cracking his knuckles.

“Tag team?” Bastion asked.

“Tag team,” Mann McOldsmobile agreed!

“LET’S GO BUCK WILD!!” Omega-Xis shouted!

“BOO,” someone said.

“What, WHAAAAAT!?” he said menacingly, as if trying to prove something.

“UUUUURYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” The three of them leaped at Shades Milligan and readied themselves for assault.

 

MEANWHILE, WITH JADEN…

“Alright, everybody,” Dark Magician Girl announced, “it’s MY turn!” She drew a card, much to the mainly-perverted audience’s delight. “Well, alright then! It’s Magical Formula!!” An old book appeared in her hands.

“YAY!” cheered the fanboys.

“This means that I gain 700 more Attack Points!” The mage girl held up her short staff and it transformed into a glowing grizzly bear!

“ROAR!” the bear growled.

“Oh boy, this is it,” Atticus groaned, standing next to Alexis.

“Where were you?” Alexis asked.

“Oh, I was with her in the bathroom.” Atticus pointed to a very satisfied-looking girl on the ground, dressed up as some random female Duel Monster. “But anyways, I’m sorry for picking somebody out of his league to duel with. It was a bad call.”

“He does have two face-downs, though,” Alexis reminded.

“Oh yeah. But what’re the chances of them helping?”

 

“Okay, you know what to do,” Valkyria Two urged.

“I know!” Dark Magician Girl shouted! “Bearsy, go!!” Having previously held it by the neck, she flung it straight at Jaden’s monster!

“WRAAGWOOOR!!” the bear roared, leaping at Flame Wingman!

“Heh, you fell for it,” Jaden said, flipping up one of his Trap cards.

“IT’S A TRAP!!” Dark Magician Girl screamed!

“OH CRAP!!” the audience squealed!

“I play Staunch Defender!” The Trap had a very Marauding Captain staring down a humongous demonic figure in a Graveyard during a thunderstorm. “Now, ALL you bee-yotches gotta attack Flame Wingman this turn!”

“DON’T YOU CALL THEM BEE-YOTCHES, BASSY TURD!!” yelled the audience.

“Yeah, how DARE you call us that!” Valkyria One growled. She and her twin sister raised their staves.

“This time, no mercy!” Valkyria Two decided decisively! “We’re using the Danger Radish spell!!” The image of a radish appeared in the air in front of their weapons.

“After Bearsy takes you down, my sisters will finish what I started!” Dark Magician Girl said, ready to finish everything!

“GO GIRLS GOOOOOOOOO and bear!” the fans screamed!

“Second Trap, don’t fail me now,” Jaden begged, activating his other card: some sort of barrier covered in electricity. “HERO BARRIER!!” The shield appeared before Flame Wingman and the bear tackled into it! He was electrocuted!

“GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” he screamed, turning into bear dust.

“No!” the Valkyria Twins gasped!

“EEEEEH?!” Dark Magician Girl gasped!

“It worked?!” the audience gasped!

“B-but now, you two gotta attack him, and…” Dark Magician Girl turned to her sisters. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s… it’s not your fault…”

“Except it is.” The two combined their powers and shot a magnificent, blazing radish at Flame Wingman. He slapped it, sending it back at them. “YOU IDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!” They exploded. (Dark Magician Girl: 1500 Life Points)

“Sisters…” DMG sniffed. Flame Wingman loomed over her. “Eeeeeh?”

“And don’t be forgettin’ my Flame Wingman’s super power, y’all!” Jaden reminded! “BLAZE HER!!” Flame Wingman incinerated her at point-blank range.

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!” she screamed, burning to a crisp. (Dark Magician Girl: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” yelled the bystanders!

“AW YEAH, BABY! I WON!! I WON!!” Jaden cheered! “HAHAHA!”

“Did you just kill her?” Alexis asked.

“Nah, I made sure not to,” Jaden made sure. The charred husk of the young woman broke, and the safe and sound Magician Girl stepped out.

“I… I’m okay?” she asked herself, just to make sure for herself. “B-but my sisters… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

“You wanna go do something private?” Atticus asked.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAAAAAAH!!”

Atticus lifted her up and ran away.

“So did you learn something today?” Alexis inquired, as the rest of the audience ran after Atticus.

“Yeah, I think I did,” Jaden thought. “I think I’ve learned to control my own latent psychic abilities, and I’ve also learned that it’s okay to play really, really dangerous games with people. It’s fine as long as I don’t kill others, because it they’re still alive, then they can’t send me to the po-po.”

“… Great job warping that Aesop,” Alexis conglaturated, “but the real point was that this game was your calling. You have a ‘Yu’ in your name. You’re fated to save us all someday with your gift. It’s great that you’ve learned to control it, and it’s great that you’ve come to terms with yourself. How do you feel now?”

“I feel like gettin’ some ice cream, mama,” Jaden said. “Can we get some ice cream, mama?”

“Sure, but just this once,” Alexis allowed, carrying Jaden away like a five year-old in her arms. The end.

 

MEANWHILE, WITH BASTION…

The battle against Shades Milligan had been raging for over a half hour. The ground had been pulverized, several buildings behind the group had been leveled, and thirteen bystanders had died by the hand of these shimmying kids.

“BOY HOWDY EVREHBODEH, WE HAVE JUS’ SEEN DA SECOND MOST THRILLIN’ BATTLE OF THE WORLD’S MOST BORING SPORT YOU’LL EVAH KNOW!!” Mickey Ducktail squealed.

“Just face it,” Shades Milligan sighed, creating some grey mass of pixel-like things from his hand, “you’ll never be able to defeat me as long as I can control my robo -particles.”

“Oh yeah?” Bastion challenged, shimmying as hard as he could.

“Let’s prove’m wrong, Bastion,” Mann McOldsmobile decided, shaking around. “I’m gonna use a full 20% of my powers!”

“One final shot, eh?” Omega-Xis said. “Well then, TAKE THIS!!” Omega-Xis shot a bullet… at the banner above Shades Milligan’s head! The one with the oval on it! It floated down onto Shades Milligan’s head, rendering him BLIND!!

 

“WAAAGH!! SHADES CAN SEE THROUGH LIGHT, BUT NOT FABRICS!!” Shades Milligan cried! He began trying to get his robo-particles to rip the banner from his head!

“NOW!!” Bastion and Mann McOldsmobile quickly dashed to either side of Shades Milligan and prepared to smash his face in, and then slap his hula hoop to the ground!

“OH! MAH! GOSH, GUYS!!” Ducktail Mickey shouted! “THIS IS A HUUUUGE TURN OF EVENTS!! AFTER PREPARING THEIR FINAL SHOTS, BASTION AND MANN HAVE RAN AROUND THAT SHADE GUY AND’LL PUNCH’M IN ONE SECOND!! I’M SO EXCITED!!”

Wait, did he just telegraph our surprise attack?! Omega-Xis thought, in a suitable ‘oh crap’ fashion.

“HA!!” Shades Milligan laughed, turning his entire body, clothing, hoop and shades into robo-particles!

“Oh no, I know what’s coming,” Piggybank gulped.

“What?” Baseball Bob and Fluffy Fred asked.

 

“GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!” screamed Bastion and Mann McOldsmobile, smashing their fists together by accident! Mann’s attack managed to create such a shockwave that it traveled through Bastion’s body, then bounced back when it reached his feet, went back through Mann McOldsmobile’s arm, and then inflicted mass bodily hard onto him! Their hula hoops disintegrated. They had lost, and Shades Milligan created his body once more, standing smugly above their tired bodies.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!” Ducktail Mickey shouted! “DUE T’MY STUPID DECISION, BASTION AN’ MANN HAVE BOTH LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!!”

“Aw damn,” said the audience. “But we still love you, Shades.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” laughed Shades Milligan, standing triumphant, as his hoop circled his body like a satellite! “Now didja see THAT, Alexis, my love? What do you think of me now? The only reason I joined this was because you INSPIRED me!!”

“Actually, Alexis was never here to begin with,” Nancy Wut told him, poking his neck. “She’s doing something else. She said that she didn’t want a repeat of last year, so she’d never come close to this sport again.”

“… What did you say, random-speaking lady?” Shades Milligan asked, lowering his shades.

“She was never watching, jackass!” Angry McArgue explained simply.

“…” Shades Milligan looked down at the ground. His hula hoop fell quietly.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAND SHADES MILLIGAN IS OUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!” Ducktail Mickey said loudly!

“But wasn’t he the last one?” somebody unimportant said.

“…Hey, was he ever REALLY TRULY hoopin’?”

“Yo, guys!” said Dan the Drawer, who was still hoopin’. Suddenly, with his luck, his hoop burst into flames. He cried into his palms as it fell to his feet, pathetically.

“So… did HE win?!”

“No.”

 

“AND AH DECLARUH THUH WINNAH OH DA EVENT EEEEEEEYUS BEEHIYUV LARREEEEEEEEEEH!!” announced Ducktail Mickey, finally giving us closure to this horribly long ordeal!! And alas, Beehive Larry was still standing, hooping the hoop on his hairstyle! A ten-dollar bill floated gently onto his face. He then lost his concentration and the hoop flew away.

“Woo,” cheered the audience, leaving thanks to the closure.

“Sooooo… we got… 4th place?” Bastion guessed, helping Mann McOldsmobile and himself up.

“Nope, you both got the same rank, so it’s rounded down to 5th,” Ducktail Mickey said, walking by.

“Dammit!” Mann McOldsmobile cursed.

“But… at least it’s not 6th,” Omega-Xis bargained.

“Wait, there’s THREE of you?” Ducktail Mickey gasped, confused. “Well, then that’s 6th place for ‘ya.”

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted skyward! “But really, that was pretty fun.”

“It WAS?” Nancy Wut checked, taking Ducktail Mickey’s place with Angry McArgue.

“Well yeah.”

“So… you had a lot of fun fighting today?” Angry McArgue asked.

“Uh… HEY, YOU MANIPULATED ME!” Mann McOldsmobile yelled!

“And how was it?” asked the dependable Nancy Wut.

“… Yeah, kinda,” Mann McOldsmobile accepted.

Shades Milligan walked up to Mann McOldsmobile and patted his shoulder. “Hey, next time I won’t go so easy on you, got it?” he challenged, forging a NEW FRIENDSHIP…

“I hear ya, but remember I only used twenty percent of my full powers out there, buddy!” Mann McOldsmobile chuckled. “But I really doubt we’re gonna be hula hooping any time soon—“

“I didn’t mean THAT.”

“Oh right fighting.”

“Well, I’m figuring out new cyborg powers every day now,” Shades Milligan warned, becoming a large mass of grey pixels, “so I wouldn’t be so sure to count me out! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” He flew away.

“Maybe, kid, maybe,” Mann McOldsmobile said, nodding, “I’ll see you later, Shades Man.” He started walking away to think about things introspectively. And so, their jobs complete, Nancy Wut and Angry McArgue fist-bumped and took their leave.

 

“… So what the hell was that about?” Omega-Xis asked, confuzzled.

“Dunno,” Bastion shrugged. His gang approached him.

“Wanna talk about it?” suggested Baseball Bob.

“Sure,” Bastion accepted, shrugging.

“I’ll buy smoothies!” Fluffy Fred suggested, ripping out of his Kuriboh suit. They walked over to the ‘Llama Blood Smoothies’ stand and drank delicious fluids.

 

CUTS AND GUT DO SOMETHING – ARC COMPLETE

 

 

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Welp, thanks for defending my artistic integrity and I'm sorry that my computer's been acting up lately, delaying updates. As I progress through the series, I decided that 'Hey, I can make my duels CRAZY AWESOME!!' So, I did that, making them more than just vehicles for jokes. Once you put in the 'drama', you can add substance to games!

 

And on that note, here we have a few examples.

 

[spoiler=Episode 17: Nature of the Draw]“C’mon, guys, why don’cha wanna watch the NINJA TURTLES with me?”

“No way! After the Ninja Tumors incident, I can only look upon them with fear and loathing!”

“Just this once? They’re cool, and they say ‘what the shell’ and make it cool!”

“… Okay, but only if Koala Ko Ala’s watching it too.”

“…?! Don’t drag ME into this!!”

“Who cares?” Jaden turned on the telly. And I’m not British, but who cares what kind of slang I use.

 

The screen showed a shot of Duel Academy as the Yu-Gi-Oh! GX theme song started up. A bell rang! “What kind of commercial are we watching?” Syrus asked.

“Duh, for OUR show, Sy! Don’t be raggin’ on our swag!”

“What?” Then the screen showed rows and rows of Ra Yellow kids sitting in class, then a shot of Jaden sitting around Tyranno Hassleberry…? And Chazz in a black coat?!?!

“A typical day at my school… is anything but!” TV-Jaden explained.

“WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!” real Jaden screamed! “I don’t TALK like that?!”

“And who was that black guy! What was up with Chazz’s coat!” Koala Ko Ala yelled!

“NO black kids go to KAIBALAND Duel Academy, the show just wasn’t tolerant of other cultures beside Japanese and American in Season One!” Syrus said, enraged!

 

A 3-D shot of a folder fell, and a report card decorated with the show’s logo fell out. “What, were they TOO CHEAP to make a REGULAR DRAWING of a FALLING FOLDER?!” nitpicked Koala Ko Ala.

“DUELING 101,” shouted the screen, as we were treated to a shot of Sparkman flying out of nowhere, Hassleberry shoutin’ “DUDE, ‘YER ABOUT TO GET SCHOOLED” and a giant flaming lava-monster called the Volcanic Doomfire punching Jaden.

“WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!” Jaden screamed!

“THEY DON’T EVEN TELL US WHO THAT GUY IS, AND THE SCENES DON’T WORK!!” Syrus added!

“WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!” Koala Ko Ala wondered.

 

“SCIENCE OF MONSTERS,” the thing said again. It showed Volcanic Doomfire hitting Jaden with a fireball as Jaden screamed something unintelligible.

“WHAT WAS THE POINT?! WHERE’S THE SCIENCE?!”

“AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT CLASS AT DUEL ACADEMY! WHAT, WERE THEY ASLEEP?!”

“WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!”

 

“DECK ASSEMBLY,” the thing said once more, and Jaden held out Elemental Hero Neos!

“Deck don’t fail me now!” TV-Jaden urged, and some sleek, muscular, grey hero named Neos appeared in a flash of light! “Get your game on!”

“WHO IS THAT GUY, AND I DON’T SAY THAT PHRASE A LOT! WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO?!”

“ACTUALLY YOU ARE!! BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BUILDING A DECK?!?!”

“WHAT were they THINKING?!?!”

“Yu-Gi-Oh GX, now commin’ on the CW11, 11:30 today!”

“THIS is going on your PERMANENT RECORD!!” screamed Crowler.

“Sweet!” Jaden said in response.

 

NOBODY WANTS THAT ON THEIR PERMANENT RECORD!!”

“WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!”

“I’M TAKING THIS DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL!!” Koala Ko Ala picked up the television and threw it out the window forcefully! Then his friends stared at him with hatred. “Whoops, that was our only TV…”

The two stared at him, and merely shouted: “FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU—”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 17: Nature of the Draw

 

The guitar this time around played a supportive tune, trying to help Jaden and Syrus in their race against time… for their lives…

“Jay-DUN!” complained Syrus. “Wait up, you’re too fast!”

“No can do, buckaroo,” Jaden explained, “because today is Tuesday. And everybody knows that Tuesday night is Sammich night!” The duo dashed into the Obelisk cafeteria, which graciously opened its doors to the lowlifes in the other dorms on Tuesday nights, to give them what they want: SAMMICHES!! No, not SANDWICHES, these Sammiches are made from only the best quality duel bread, the most delicious and creamy duel cheese, and fulfilling duel ham. And best of all… every Sammich was built with a SECRET INGREDIENT that could ONLY be revealed upon opening the Sammich Capsule, the witty name for the paper packaging containing every holy Sammich inside! And these Sammiches are SO good… that you can say that a sandwich is a ‘Sammich’, in slang terms, as I often do… BUT THIS IS WHERE THE TERM CAME FROM.

 

There was a small group surrounding a cart filled with Sammiches to the brim! “Yo, Sy! They left ‘em ALL ‘fer ‘da main characters!” Jaden happily exclaimed!

“Nah, we just got here first, before the stampede.” Syrus pointed towards the corridor they’d just left, which was now at the far end, filled with a fast approaching angry mob!

“I WANT MAH SAMMICH” a brute roared!

“Oh, so we’ve got time,” Jaden said. “Now it’s time to find the holy grail of all Sammiches… the Egg McSammichMeal.” It was filled with the best kind of egg in existence, the duel egg, and it tasted like ascension into heaven itself… if it were in your taste buds!

“Now, Jaden,” Syrus warned, “be careful. You haven’t gotten the Egg McSammichMeal in five weeks, and all of this built-up sexual tension will inevitably grant you one trip to the hospital for your poor, aching heart from all the stress of failure! And you KNOW what happened LAST week…”

“Yeah, I fell asleep before the Obelisk café opened up!”

“Oh, well then there’s nothing to compare the pain to. Enjoy your first taste of real heart-rending pain!”

“… This is why nobody likes you, Sy.” Jaden reached in, down to his shoulder. Now, if I can just focus my Duel Energy… THERE IT IS!!! Jaden could see, clearly, with his mind’s eye… one shining Sammich. THERE’S THE WEAK POINT!! Jaden stretched as far as he could, trying to grow a few more inches to reach it, without thinking of just walking over to the other side of the cart and picking it up…

 

C’mon, Jay, Syrus believed. You can do it. If you can’t, who ELSE could I look up to? Zane Truesdale walked past him. …Nah.

“Hey, that guy’s trying REALLY hard!” a random Ra Yellow guy noticed!

“Oh yeah, I haven’t seen Duel Energy like that in YEARS!” remembered Janitorboy Ikkaku, passin’ by. “Let’s support’m!”

“YEAH!!” The entire present student body of a few kids clenched their fists by their hearts and bent down slightly, giving off an intense aura of anticipation! You can do it, I know you can…

Don’t give up, I don’t know what else to do!!

Did I leave the sink on at home? In a random Obelisk Blue room, a kid HAD left on his faucet… with a hi-LARIOUS outcome! What kind? STAY TUNED…

 

Jaden finally pressed upon the Sammich with his fingers! OH…! The air was edgy with tension and imagination! Jaden managed to pull the Sammich closer with his fingertips, until… YES!! He grabbed it!

“YA-HA!!” he laughed with victory!

“OH YEEEEEEEEEAH!!” screamed the audience, roaring with the sweet smell of success! I wish it made sense! Jaden pulled apart the wrapper haphazardly and a Sammich filled with barbeque pork inside splattered onto the floor. Jaden’s heart stopped for a few seconds and he fell over.

“Aw, crap, just a Barbeque McSammichMeal,” Jaden morosely narrated.

“Aw, come on…” The audience got sad and left.

“Great work, Jaden,” Syrus congratulated, “you brought together the entire student body, only to fail them at the last second.”

“The shock totally made me die for a few seconds out there, yo,” Jaden informed.

 

“Gee, looks like the ‘Yu’ only works with cards… most of the time.” Alexis had walked into the room, holding two Sammiches!

“Holy crap, Alexis!” Jaden gasped! “Looking at you, holdin’ ‘dose two Sammiches makes you look JUST like the 2008 Sammich Eating World Grand Prix ’08 winner!!” Jaden flashed back to a time where he watched TV at his house. Alexis was on the screen during the ‘2008 Sammich Eating World Grand Prix ‘08’ LIVE broadcast, and she had just WON, after eating seventy-six Sammiches in a row.

“How does it feel to eat a lot of Sammiches and win a grand prize?” asked the announcer, an old-ish man clad in sunglasses and suit.

“Well, they’re small sandwiches, so they’re easy to eat, I guess,” Alexis told. Then she simply took two Sammiches, which was the final picture of her ever broadcast, and she grabbed her massive, solid gold, Sammich-shaped trophy and the hilariously oversized check for $1,000 in American money. Then she walked off the set and the property, never to be seen again…

“I bet she DUELS as well as she EATS!!” Jaden laughed.

“BOO,” somebody said.

“What the—”

 

“And since that lady left with TWO Sammiches, you look JUST like her! And sound like her. And have a similar, freakishly large boob size, too. Frankly, the women in this show are anatomically incorrect, right Sy?”

“Huh?” Syrus asked.

“Wha-YOU’RE WRONG!!” Alexis accused, blushing furiously! “I was just practicing my drawing skills!”

“Ha, NOBODY does THAT here, not even the BIGGEST Duel Monsters nerds, yo!”

“Well, fine, I DO like eating Sammiches.” Alexis ate her Sammich like a pro.

“Yo! Only a PRO WORLD CHAMPION would eat a SAMMICH like THAT!!” Jaden screamed!

“What did I just tell you…”

“It’s true, Jaden!” Ms. Dorothy, the shop lady, said as she walked into sight. “She really DIDN’T draw the Egg McSammichMeal!”

“… I wasn’t asking her about that, ma’am,” Jaden respectfully informed.

“Well, how was I to know?” huffed Ms. Dorothy haughtily. “I mean, how’s a woman supposed to know what you kids are talkin’ about, bein’ all conflicted with their American Idol, Nintendo Wii, remote controls, and their laptops!”

“But the Wii might be out of date by the time SOME readers get around to this story!” Syrus cried!

“Well, you might be right, but that’ll happen by the time you’re as old and un-hip with the kids as I am!”

“WHAAAAT?! NOOOOOO!!” cried Jaden and Syrus! “BEING INFORMED OF MY OWN MORTALITY HAS PUT ME IN DISPAIR!!”

 

“Well, more to the point of why I’m here,” Ms. Dorothy began, “nobody’s drawn the Egg McSammichMeal in FIVE weeks! This means that somebody’s probably been sneaking into our Secret Sammich Storeroom, or Triple-S, and stealing them! Or people just aren’t picking them up, but you know how things go at THIS school.”

“The FIEND!” Jaden and Alexis roared!

“What’re YOU so fired up about?”

“Sammiches. And you?”

“Sammiches.” Finally, they’d found something to talk about. “Before we have a big Sammich discussion, we’ve gotta find out who’s stealin’ ‘dem Sammiches! Only a guy with REALLY high Duel Energy could hope to break into the Triple-S! Time to post a twenty-fo’-seven stakeout by the Sammiches!”

“Yeah!” agreed Alexis!

“And Syrus too.”

Heh, I got’m, Ms. Dorothy evilly thought, successful.

“WHAAAAAAAA—” Syrus was cut off as the massive crowds mentioned much earlier finally burst into the room, trampling everyone present.

 

LATER! THAT!! DAY!!!

It was late at night, and the kids were safeguarding the Triple-S, which was a small fridge in a random room covered in posters with a movie star and his HUGE nose. Jaden, Syrus, and even Koala Ko Ala were sitting around, as Alexis sat by a computer. “Well, at least I get some screen time today,” Koala Ko Ala sighed. “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO BORING?!”

“It could be LESS boring if we play cards,” Syrus suggested, taking out some playing cards.

“FOOL!” Jaden roared, slapping the cards from his hand!

“YEOO-HA-HOOW!!”

“How DARE you bring in REGULAR cards, man? We TRUSTED you!” Jaden sobbed!

“Well, gosh, man! You didn’t have to slap so har—”

“OF COURSE, YOU DELUDED SHELL OF A MAN!! TELL’M, ALEXIS!!” ordered Jaden! But Alexis wasn’t listening.

That man will DIE for defiling the Sammich name, Alexis brooded.

“I got snacks!” said Ms. Dorothy, entering the room with rice balls.

“Yay! We’re skipping the filler minutes!” Koala Ko Ala cheered!

 

Later, after some filler skippage, the lights were off, and the tension was THICK. Everybody was hiding under the table, quite understandably. “But Jay-DUN,” Syrus complained, “they’ll OBVIOUSLY notice us under the table!”

“Well, look who’s gettin’ all in mah grill now! Shut up and they won’t notice you.”

“Works for me?” There was a thump outside. “EEP!” The foursome held their breath. A shadow appeared by the door. A TARZAN-MAN BROKE THE WOODEN RECTANGLE IN HALF WITH ONE PUNCH!! He stepped through, showing off his MASSIVE PECS and TOUGH SIX-PACK, wearing just a pair of pants, which was stupid and possible cold. He looked down at them.

“You’re under a…” He shook off the idea and walked over to the Triple-S refridgerator! It’s the Egg McSammichMeal!! Jaden mentally gasped! “UUUUUUURYYAAAAAAH!!” he roared, as he ripped the fridge from its foundations and lugged it off! He’s an animal... Syrus awed.

“NOW!!” Alexis flipped the table over and flipped on the light switch!

“Ahh, the light! It burns!” Tarzan-man screamed, dropping the fridge! “Ugh, there WERE people under that table!”

 

“STOP, THIEF!!” Jaden shouted! The guy froze. Oh no! Should I run?Not-Tarzan debated. He screamed at me! Wait, I’ll just counter him! Tarzan was the man with the plan!

“AAAAAH, A-A-A-A-AAAAAAAH!!” he rumbled, letting loose a great Tarzan yell! But was it any surprise?

“Ahh! He screamed!” Jaden, Koala Ko Ala and Syrus froze!

“IDIOOOOOOOTS!!” Alexis leaped over the boys and tried to grab the felon, shocking Jaden beyond all comprehension as she did!

Damn, seriously? thought Jaden, disgusted. Put some underwear on for Pete’s sake! And that brings us back to this: WHY do these women have to wear such short skirts? It’s out-and-out sexual harassment, yo! WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!?! Meanwhile, Chancellor Shepherd was sleeping peacefully, right up until then. “Hm?” he mumbled, waking up all of a sudden. “Thought I heard somebody making a reference to me… mmbmbmmb….snooooore…”

 

Meanwhile again, the tough guy leaped onto the Triple-S and somehow rode off on it, like a snowboard! “DAMN him and his physics-defying of the universe!” Alexis turned to Jaden and ‘da boys. “GET ON!!”

“Not until you show some self-decency round here young lady yo!” Jaden ordered sternly!

NOW!!

“Okay.” The three leaped onto Alexis’ back and she took off on her belly! They were in hot pursuit of the Sammich-stealer, riding their friend as a snowboard, just as the villain was doing with the Triple-S! It looked quite hilarious, I assure you!

 

They came to the roof of the school and were still going strong. “Man, that dude sure knows how to work a fridge!” Jaden complimented! But they were coming to the end of the road. The rooftop was ending a few feet ahead! Or meters if you live in that kind of country!

“HOOOOO-AAH!!” the villain-of-the-week shouted, taking off of the edge into the forest, his snowboard becoming a HOVERBOARD fridge! He flew away into the safety of the forest.

“Aw crap!” Syrus cursed! “Alexis, can you fly?”

“No, I can’t!” Alexis made a hard right turn, making everybody fall off onto the roof. “Maybe I could if Koala Ko Ala weren’t here, but not in THIS episode!” Alexis explained as she stood up.

“Yeah, I’m hindering you!” Koala Ko Ala cheered! But this was no laughing matter.

“WAIT! I know a shortcut to the waterfall described in this script!” Alexis revealed, holding up the script!

“Let’s go!” shouted Jaden, as the gang rode Alexis off into parts unknown.

 

Meanwhile, as I frequently say, the enemy-dude was flyin’ around until he came to a clearing… by a waterfall! “Uh-oh!” he gasped, as the good guys were just coming out of an underpass that appropriately led up to that exact area! How DO they build those here?

“How DO they build these things?” Syrus asked.

“Dude, if you live here, you LEARN not to ask such things,” Jaden explained. “Now return our Sammiches at once!”

“SAMMICHES!!” Alexis roared for extra effect!

How DID they get here so fast through that deux ex machina as I was flying so fast to get here? thought the dude. No matter, for I shall climb! Tarzan-ish jumped onto the waterfall’s surface and used helpful rocks to climb up!

“Aw man, you just can’t stop this guy, you just can’t!” informed Koala Ko Ala!

“Is that DAN?!” gasped an old-ish person! Ms. Dorothy dashed out of the helpful underpass! “Dan the Drawer?”

The muscular man gasped! “How DO you know my NAME?” he asked, from atop the falls. He leaped off expertly onto the ground of the jungle (On Duel Academy Island?!) floor.

“Dan the Drawer, of COURSE I recognize you!” Ms. Dorothy recalled.

“How did you run up all those stairs?” asked Koala Ko Ala.

“I just did. But this kid over here used to be an Obelisk Blue! SIX MONTHS AGO.”

“Time travel!” guessed Jaden.

“Maybe, but probably not. See, here’s my Long-Winded Gramma’s Family Tales Number One: Dan the Drawer…”

 

Way, way back to before Jaden ever mattered, there was a guy. A guy with a bowl-cut hairdo and large nose. He liked eating Sammiches as much as the next guy, but had a problem…

“UGH!” screamed Dan the Drawer, “CHEESE McSammichMeal?! Darn you world, you KNOW I’m lactose intolerant!”

Looks like you made a bad draw today,” somebody said.

“WHO SAID THAT… oh, what does it matter?” Dan the Drawer, who was famous for his bad draws, retreated in pain and silence.

 

“But how are THEY the same guy?!” Syrus asked. “The hair color, which was black but now greenish, and the nose, which now is smaller, and the fact that he’s ALMOST A FOOT TALLER THAN BEFORE, AND TWICE AS WIDE, are ALL different!”

“I’m a changed man,” Dan the Drawer said.

“Oh, well that’s okay then.”

“See, I used to be a good student… but then, when I dueled as an Obelisk, everything turned for the worst…”

 

“Awright,” he told himself in the good ol’ days inside the Duel Dome against another guy, “time to take down Jinzo!” Jinzo was on the opposing side, just to let you know. “Here goes!” His hand contained The Left Leg of the Forbidden One, the Right Leg of the Forbidden One, The Left Arm of the Forbidden One, and The Right Arm of the Forbidden One. All he needed was Exodia’s head…

 

He drew Lolwut, a monster featuring an emoticon with happy eyes and a tongue hanging out of a smile. ‘Lol u lose’ said its description. “Looks like you made a bad draw today,” somebody said.

“NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” cried Dan the Drawer! Yes, he’d drawn as his name suggested… but he drew BADLY ALL THE TIME!!

 

Deeply sadden by his fourth loss in a row since drawing bad cards, he decided that he was cursed. So he went out to look at the sea by the docks. “Stupid waves, always going back and forth!” he growled! “I ALWAYS know what’s coming next with YOU!” Then it hit him like somebody had smashed his face into the pavement, killing him instantly! “I CAN know what I’m drawing next! I’ll just tune myself to nature,because Mother Nature ALWAYS comes through! Now to live in the wild!” He ripped off his shoes and coat and ran into the forests of the island, stupidly.

 

“So you ran away for months so that you could become a better card player according to false laws of nature? Even I wouldn’t do THAT much!” Jaden scoffed! “Duel Monsters nerd!”

“I am not a—”

“NERRRRRRRD YO!”

“Don’cha think your parents would be worried sick about you?” Syrus asked.

“No,” Dan the Drawer said, “barely ANY kids in anime have parents that get mentioned, so you’re just supposed to assume.”

“So… why have you been stealing Sammiches?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“SAMMICHES!!” Alexis screamed!

“Calm down, Alexis, it’s not like Sammich is a religion!”

“YES. IT. IS.”

 

Dan the Drawer gulped. Wow, she’s crazy for Sammiches. “Well, I’ve been out here for six months, braving the brunt of nature’s powers…” He trudged through the snow through winter, which helped make him tougher for when drawing cards under stress. He poured a bunch of cards into the waterfall as he stood behind it, meditating until the five best cards came falling down. Then he’d strike! “HOO HUH HAH HEE HUH!!” he grunted, clawing the cards out of the falls! He drew The Left Leg of the Forbidden One, the Right Leg of the Forbidden One, The Left Arm of the Forbidden One, The Right Arm of the Forbidden One, and Lolwut.

“Looks like you made a bad draw today,” someone said.

“NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

 

“And since there is no food in the wild, of course, every week I’d steal the Egg McSammichMeal. And eat it.”

“But that thing’s so SMALL!!” Koala Ko Ala gasped, trying to show off a visual representation with his hands.

“How can a growing young hulking mass like you live off of one Sammich a week?” Ms. Dorothy concernedly worried.

“Well, honestly I’m quite hungry.”

“Why don’t you just come back to ‘da Duel Academy ‘hood, then, if you’re such a hungry DUEL MONS

TERS NERD!!”

“I AM NOT A—”

Alexis clutched their heads with her hands, threatening to crush them at any moment. “HEEEEEEEEEEE!!” screamed Syrus like the wimp he is.

BOTH OF YOU. SKIP THE BACKSTORY AND GET BACK TO THE SHOW. JUST DUEL ALREADY. IF JADEN WINS, YOU COME BACK TO CIVILIZATION AND SHALL NEVER SULLY SAMMICHES AGAIN THROUGH THEFT. IF JADEN WINS, YOU GET ANOTHER SAMMICH. OKAY?

“B-but that’s a CRAPPY reward on MY part—”

NOW.

“O…….okay…”

“Ow my head,” Jaden cried helplessly.

 

The combatants stood around, facing each other. The audience-peoples stood idly as well. Alexis passed Jaden and Dan the Drawer a nasty glance… “WAAH!” Jaden and Dan the Drawer cried! “Uh, DUEL!!”

(Dan the Drawer: 4000 Life Points, Jaden Yuki: 4000 Life Points) “I SURE hope she doesn’t beat me up… anyways…” Jaden drew his card… YES!! “I summon Elemental Hero Avian!!”

“NO, JADEN, DON’T!!” shouted his friends and superiors! But it was too late. Avian appeared as stupidly as usual, in Attack Mode.

“Hey, guys!” he greeted. (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“YOU SUCK! GO AWAY!” Koala Ko Ala roared!

“That’s mean!”

“But I throw down a face-down, yo!” Jaden reassured!

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“My draw!” Dan the Drawer appropriately said! “I set my OWN face-down and summon Drawler!” A giant metal man on steamroller wheels appeared, looking like nothing you’d expect from the name Drawler.

“HOW IS THAT RELATED TO THE NAME?!” Syrus panicked!

“But I can return my hand to my deck to give him 500 Attack and Defense Points for each card I send away!” Dan the Drawer explained. Drawler glowed orange-y and grew STRONG!! (Drawler: 2000 Attack Points)

“It STILL DOESN’T WORK!!”

“WELL, ATTACK ANYWAYS!! ROLL-OVER STEAMROLLER ATTACK OF OBVIOUSNESS!!” The giant statue thing slowly rolled over into Avian’s path.

“Jaden,” Avian asked, “please don’t play me anymore.”

“Uh, okay, we’ll see how that goes.”

“UWAAAAAAHH!!” Avian cried, being smooshed oh-so graphically! “AAAAH, MY ORGANS!! THEY’VE RUPTURED!! AND MY BONES ARE BROKEN TOOOOOO!! WAAAAAAH!!” And then his chest was squished and he was unresponsive. All that was left of him as Drawler passed on by was a lot of blood, and Avian’s 2-D funny-looking paper-shaped corpse. Which exploded. (Jaden: 3000 Life Points)

“’Shoulda seen that coming,” he shrugged.

“Oh yeah, also,” Dan the Drawer recalled, “when Drawler kills a monster it gets returned to the bottom of the deck, so don’t move’m to the Graveyard.”

“Okay,” Jaden complied.

“My turn’s over, I suppose.”

“KICK ‘IS ASS, JADEN!!” Alexis cheered!

 

“Heh, well I’ll try, ‘cause I just drew…” Jaden flipped his new Spell card in his hands a few times with incredibly fluid animation, threw it into the air, caught it, bounced it off of his shoe, spun it on his finger—

“Just PLAY it already and STOP parodying!” Koala Ko Ala ordered!

“Okay, yo, calm down, ‘CAUSE IT’S POLYMERIZATION!!” Using familiarly terrible special effects, he fused Clayman and Burstinatrix in order to form Elemental Hero Rampart Blaster!

“WHAT THE?!” Dan the Drawer gasped!

“If you’ve watched the show before I wouldn’t need to explain it to you, so just deal.” (Rampart Blaster: 2500 Defense Points)

“Hah, in DEFENSE Mode? What will THAT fat lady do for you in—”

“The only reason you don’t know the ability is because you’ve been in the forest for six months being a Duel Monsters nerd, so it’s YOUR fault! Now, hit’m with the missile action!!” Jaden told!

“I never knew that he was such a nerd before,” Ms. Dorothy sighed, “and yet he never watched this show! I thought nerds LOVED terribly scripted shows taken from Japan!”

“You MAY want to tweak your definition of ‘nerd’, ma’am,” Syrus Sy-ed.

“OW!!” screamed Dan the Drawer!

“What did I miss?” Syrus asked.

“If you weren’t YAMMERIN’ so much, you’d have seen me get hit by missiles!! Ow!” (Dan the Drawer: 3000 Life Points)

“They’re neck and neck!” Ms. Dorothy exclaimed!

“Grr…. BUT NOT FOR LONG!!” exploded Dan the Drawer!

 

Hmm, Jaden noticed, this dude’s got a strange look in his eye… Dan the Drawer’s eyes were twitching way more than a normal man’s eyes should ever twitch. He looks all… twitchy. I hope this doesn’t mean something bad.

“I use Miracle Draw!” Dan the Drawer yelled! His Trap card represented somebody drawing a miracle. “When I draw, I guess what card I’m drawing! If I’m right, you lose 1000 Life Points! If I’m wrong, then I’m screwed!”

“Sounds good to me!” Jaden supposed.

Woah, thought Syrus.

He’s, thought Koala Ko Ala.

So, thought Ms. Dorothy.

Dumb, concluded Alexis. There are FORTY cards in that deck. How could he POSSIBLY choose the top… crap, this is an ANIME show! STATISTICS DON’T MATTER!!!!

“JADEN, LOOK OUT!!” warned Alexis!

“Don’t sweat, homes!” Jaden told her. “He’s gonna fail, alright, because he’s a Duel Monsters nerd!”

“It doesn’t matter if the chances are 1% or 100%! This is a show about MIRACLES!! Card Loan!” called Dan the Drawer! He drew a card called Card Loan.

“Oh.”

“Who’s the Duel Monsters nerd NOW?”

“YOU are, you CRAZY kid!” Jaden chuckled.

“Aw.” (Jaden: 3000 Life Points)

“Next, I activate this card!” He played Card Loan, which featured a hailstorm of cards, and one brave man willing to risk his life to grab ONE SPECIAL CARD. “You gain 1000 Life Points.” (Jaden: 3000 Life Points) “Then I pay 1000 Life Points.” (Dan the Drawer: 2000 Life Points) “Then I draw one card.”

“THAT’S SO STUPID!!” Syrus erupted! “No WONDER you always LOSE, your deck is full of CRAP!!”

“And Lolwut!” Ms. Dorothy added.

“Huh?”

“Hey, don’t make fun of my deck,” sniffed Dan the Drawer, wiping away a thousand tears. “Now I use Drawber!” A picture of a guy’s hand with a crooked finger and an empty safe appeared on the card which appeared on the field in front of Jaden and his homies in the forest by the waterfall. “Now that the run-on sentence is over, I guess what card YOU’RE about to draw! If I’m right, all cards in your hand and field are sent to the Graveyard!”

 

“THIS IS STUPIIIIIIIIIID!!” Jaden roared!

“WH-WH-WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?!” Dan the Drawer gasped!

“Why is it called ‘Drawber’? Why is there an empty safe on the card? It should have a sword on it, for ‘SABER’! Saber and draw makes ‘Drawber’! What’s so hard about THAT?!”

“It’s a pun on ROBBER, jackass!”

“Oh.” Jaden felt kinda sad and hurt for the insult. “Well, go ahead and guess.” Jaden held up his card with intense passion.

Okay, there’s no way he can guess what’s in the opponent’s deck, believed Alexis.

“De-Fusion!”

“Crap yo!” His cards faded away from the field and into oblivion. “But it would’ve been cooler as a sword.”

“Drawler, attack!” ordered Dan the Drawer! Drawler rolled into, and through, Jaden, as it was just a dumb hologram.

“IT SHOULD REALLY HUUUUUUURT!!” (Jaden: 1000 Life Points)

“Ha ha ha,” Dan the Drawer laughed, “I’m ready for that extra Sammich I was promised! Just give up and I’ll give you the egg part!”

“No way!” raged Jaden! “EVERYONE knows that the BREAD is the best part!”

“He IS right,” Ms. Dorothy said.

“I summon Wroughtweiler in Defense Mode, and I’ll end my turn!” Jaden summoned a robot dog, and I have no idea why super heroes would have a robot dog. NOBODY has one of those, am I right? (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points) Jaden looked at Miracle Draw, still standing on Dan the Drawer’s field. “Aw, no way, yo! That’s a CONTINUOUS CARD?!?! That’s so… why didn’t you TELL me?”

“You never asked,” Dan the Drawer smiled.

“Oh yeah…”

 

“If he’s right one more time with Miracle Draw, Jaden loses!” Koala Ko Ala gasped!

“And knowing that Jaden’s supposed to win this game,” Alexis revealed, flipping through the script, “this means that we have to BELIEVE that he’ll be wrong!”

“Does that mean it’s over now?” asked Ms. Dorothy in the show, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

“No,” Syrus said, bluntly. He paused, then asked, “WHY would you think that? Was there any INDICATION of it ending?”

“No—”

“Does t SOUND like it’s ending?”

“No—”

“THEN DON’T ASK IF IT’S OVER!!” yelled Syrus! Ms. Dorothy burst into tears.

“Oh, good job, Syrus,” Koala Ko Ala groaned, “you made an old lady cry! How COULD you?”

“Oh, is it bad when I do it, but you doing it is just fine?”

“I had an excuse that time!” Koala Ko Ala argued.

 

“AAAAAAND…” revved up Dan the Drawer, “I SHALL DRAW SHIELD CRUSH!!” He drew his card. It was Card of Sanctity! “Oh poop.” (Dan the Drawer: 1000 Life Points) “Well, I guess I’ll just use CARD OF SANCTITY!!” His card, a Spell, had happy people runnin’ ‘round in a hailstorm of MONEY!! “Now we both draw six cards! And I KNOW I’ll get just what I need…” A bunch of money fell down on the field! And it faded away, since it was just holograms. But in response, the two drew their cards.

“Sweet! I got a good hand!” Jaden cheered! “What about you?”

“Hmm…” Dan the Drawer drew his first five cards: Left Leg of the Forbidden One, Right Leg of the Forbidden One, Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Right Arm of the Forbidden One, and Lolwut. OH, COME ON!! Dan the Drawer gulped. It’s alright, I can do this… Exodia head… Exodia head! He drew Lolwut again. “WHY DO I HAVE TWOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!

 

Looks like you made a bad draw today,” said someone.

“What was that?” asked Jaden!

“Oh no, Def Leppard is coming out!!” screamed Dan the Drawer! “DEF LEPPARD IS COMING OUT!!”

“D-D-D-DEF LEPPARD?!?!” everybody gasped! Dan the Drawer fell to the ground and a spirit came out… no, it was a STAND!! Def Leppard had the fluffy head and neck of an ostrich, the creepy ice-blue eyes of a human, and put on some golden wide-rimmed spectacles. He wore a striped grey business suit and a red polka-dotted bowtie. His arms were the arms of a wolf, with eagle talons on his paws as fingers, and instead of legs, he had a ghostly tail.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!?!” Syrus screeched!!

“Get away!” Dan the Drawer cautioned! “Def Leppard’s Stand power is to cause bad luck… with his SHARP TALONS!!” Def Leppard dashed forward, gleaming claws held outward, aimed at Jaden’s heart!

LOOKS LIKE YOU MADE A BAD DRAW TODAY!!” it shouted, revealing its razor-sharp fangs!

“OH SHI—” Jaden had no time to finish his exclamation.

 

Avian, quick as a flash, flew out of his deck! “Don’t worry,” Avian yelled, “I SHALL protect you!!” He readied his fists of fury and got into perfect punching position… and got speared through the head and chest. “Well, THAT was disappointing.” Avian exploded.

“Oh no!” gasped Def Leppard! He disintegrated!

“Uh, I don’t read Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, so I’m confused,” Koala Ko Ala sighed.

“Def Leppard’s OTHER ability was to die when he beats another Stand!” Dan the Drawer explained! “Or in this case a Duel Spirit or whatever. It’s such a bad ability, but now I’m FREE!” He leaped into the air, glowed, and regained his shirt, coat, shoes, small and un-muscular figure, big nose, and a haircut.

“So by losing the Stand you turn back to normal?” Alexis asked.

“Apparently.”

“That’s dumb.”

“Can I go home now?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Okay.” Then, without a word, everybody awkwardly walked back to school.

 

THE! NEXT!! WEEK!!!

It was Sammich day again! The cafeteria was poppin’ with action and Sammich-eatin’ action! Jaden and Dan the Drawer were sticking their hands into the cart. They picked out their Sammich capsules and stared at each other. They slowly unwrapped them. “I got the Cherry Pie McSammichMeal,” Jaden sighed. “did YOU get the Egg McSammichMeal?”

“No, I got… Cheese McSammichMeal… and I’m still lactose intolerant. Plus there was a Lolwut card inside.” Dan the Drawer took four Lolwut cards out of his Sammich. “Oh wait, there were four.”

“I feel bad for you.”

“…”

 

Meanwhile, Alexis was eating her Egg McSammichMeal on the roof, overlooking the sunset. She took a bite and stared at her Sammich. A tear dropped from her eye. Mother, she thought.

 

As that had happened, a hapless Obelisk Blue student opened the door into his room. As he did, a large wall of water flooded out into the hallway and carried him off. “OH NO,” he cried, “I DID LEAVE MY SINK ON!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…” Oh, that guy, what a card! I TOLD you we’d see what happened to him! Oh man, I wish this was funny!

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 18: The King of Copycats - Part One]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 18: The King of Copycats – Part One

 

Awesome background music played, because it helps with the mood, I guess. Jaden entered the cafeteria where lunch was usually eaten to find a large crowd. “Boy, I wonder what’s goin’ on here?” he asked himself. And then he saw Bastion! And the Bastion Baseball Wreckers Gang! “Yo! How’s it hangin’?” Jaden greeted.

“Hmm, stuff-y,” sighed and shrugged Baseball Bob.

“What’s with the group here?” Jaden asked, trying to look over Beehive Larry’s inconvenient hairstyle. “Why does BEEHIVE LARRY have to stand in front of ME?” Jaden wondered.

“Oh, well—”

“Oh, ‘cause it’s Sammich day!”

“No, that was yesterday, Jaden! Plus, you’re never getting any ever again!” Bastion informed.

“Talk about harsh, yo! Why?”

“Because they’re never having an episode about those again. Either way, there’s a duel, and you KNOW how kids just can’t get enough of watching others play card games. Take a look.” Bastion stuck his hands into Beehive Larry’s hairstyle and ripped it apart.

“Ooh…” Jaden saw Barry the Beginner and his two face-down cards… facing Syrus and his weird red jet plane robot! “Yo! Syrus is dueling! How close is he to losin’?”

“He’s WINNING,” stressed Piggybank.

THAT’S a surprise.” Jaden reached over to pick up a light-and-easy-to-carry kid in front of Beehive Larry (who didn’t notice) and threw him into the crowd, scattering it instantly! He walked through the new clearing and poked Syrus. “Poke,” he narrated.

“Don’t poke me! Oh, hi, Jaden,” greeted Syrus.

“So whatcha’ duelin’ ‘bout, yo?”

“Take a look.” Syrus pointed helpfully to THOUSANDS OF YUGI MUTO POSTERS PLASTERED ALL OVER EACH OTHER ON THE LUNCH COUNTER!!

“That’s too much Yugi to handle! And I should know! Because I got a CRAPPY card from him!”

“Good for you, Jay. Now let me get into the zone…”

“What KINDA zone?”

“The kind where I win!” And as it closed in on Syrus’s INTENSE eyes, we cut to the theme song.

 

But then it’s over, because I don’t want you to suffer through it! And Jaden has been told ‘da scoop off-screen. “Oh, so you’re fighting over the right to see Yugi’s legendary deck which is on tour at Duel Academy first, and that’s why you’re playing Barry the Beginner?”

“No, apparently we’re dueling over the last available ticket. But it doesn’t matter; I just do what they tell me to,” Syrus shrugged, pulling out his script. “And I kinda want to see it, from what it says here.”

“Oh boy! He used that deck in the Duelist Kingdom arc, the Battle City arc, the filler arcs that lasted for YEARS, and in the last duel of the original series!” Jaden gasped! “D’you remember when we used to watch that show when we were kids?”

“No, I thought Yu-Gi-Oh was for nerds.”

“But you ARE a nerd!”

“I know… but I’d better duel now. Your move, Barry,” told Syrus.

“Alright!” Barry the Beginner said, in a very… Crowler voice… “Now, YUCKY Syrus-Boy, I use HEAVY STORM!” He held out Heavy Storm! “It will now destroy all of my EXCELLENT Spell and Trap cards, allowing me to BEAUTIFULLY beat you in battle!”

“I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!!” screamed Crowler, but nobody cared. A large storm rocked the field! Two tokens that looked JUST like the ones from the first episode appeared!

“Oh, I remember those!” said Jaden. “They were sure dumb!”

“And now I sacrifice my two Wicked Tokens,” Barry the Beginner said, still using the horrid, brain-piercingly horrible British aristocrat voice, making the two tokens fade away, “to summon the LEGENDARY ANCIENT GEAR GOLEM!!” And Ancient Gear Golem appeared. Yayz. (Ancient Gear Golem: 3000 Attack Points) “USE MECHANIZED MELEEEEEEEEEEEE!!” The giant robot punched at the red jet of dumb!

 

“No way, Mr. Ripoff-Guy-Who’ll-Get-Sued-Someday!” Syrus held out a Trap card! “When my Super Robot Jet Plane Robot is attacked, I can play a Trap from my hand! I’ll play Magic Cylinder!” Two cool cans appeared on the field, covered in magic incantations and such. The golem’s fist got stuck in one of them! He stood for a moment.

“Ugh! What happens next, Yucky Kid?!” Barry the Beginner asked.

“I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!!” screamed Crowler, but nobody cared. And so a horrible grinding sound screeched out from the cylinders!

“AAAARGH, MY EEEEEEERZ!!” cried Syrus, Jaden, and everybody else! The golem was wiggling furiously! Suddenly, it got stuck in down to its shoulder! The robot struggled to get out, but to no avail.

“What’s going on?” asked Barry the Beginner!

“This!!” Syrus pointed at the cylinder, as Ancient Gear Golem pulled itself free of the cylindrical prison! Sadly, its arm was completely wrenched off, and was pulled back into the opening by a vortex of doom! Every available part of its body was broken apart and sucked in quite cruelly, and was consumed completely after a few more seconds.

“NO! MY ANCIENT GEAR GOLEM!!” Barry the Beginner sobbed! Suddenly, the second, previously idle cylinder glowed crimson and shook like something BIG was about to happen… and it did.

 

KABOOOOOSH!! The entire body of the giant fighting robot was expelled from the second can, like some guy spitting out some nasty foodstuffs! “AAAAAAAAAAAARG—OOF!!” Barry the Beginner was utterly crushed by the robotic carcass. (Barry the Beginner: 0 Life Points)

“Yay, I got a ticket to see Yugi’s deck!” celebrated Syrus, holding up the ticket they were fighting over!

“But what about me?” Jaden pleaded.

“Yay, I got TWO tickets to see Yugi’s deck!” celebrated Syrus, holding up a second ticket.

“But what about Koala Ko Ala?” asked Koala Ko Ala, walking into the area, jolly as ever.

“Nope!” Syrus told him. Koala Ko Ala merely stared at him coldly and backed out of the area.

“Talk about awesome, yo! Sy, yoo rool!!” They left the premises, and the large crowd decided to do the same thing, except for Bastion, leaving Barry the Beginner to mope on the ground in shame.

 

“That stupid Ra should’ve DESTROYED that Slifer Red…” muttered a Ra Yellow Extra.

“WHATCHOO SAY?!” asked a Slifer Red.

“DAT’S IT!!” The two opposing sides took out a crap-load of guns and began to fire at will, killing many. However, Bastion and his gang calmly walked through the fire and approached Barry the Beginner.

“First, a guy in SHADES mocks me…” Barry complained, “… then, I can’t get the name BASEBALL Barry…”

“Ulp,” gulped Baseball Bob, feeling responsible.

“… and now, everybody’s making fun of me because now I’m the ONLY kid in school who can’t see Yugi’s deck…” The gang looked at their tickets in their hands and quickly stashed them away in fear. “WELL, NO MORE!!” roared Baseball Barry!

“AAAAAAAHH, NO MORE WHAAAAAAAT?!?!” screamed Fluffy Fred!!

“I AM GOING TO STEAL YUGI’S DECK, AS I PROMISED SEVERAL EPISODES AGO!!” Barry the Beginner swore!

“Hmm, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Bastion checked.

“YES!!”

“Are you sure it’ll get you what you want in life?” Bastion double-checked.

“YES!!”

“Is it ethical?”

“NO, BUT IT’LL MAKE PEOPLE TREAT ME BETTER SOMEHOW SO YES!!”

“Then if you truly believe,” Bastion told in a cheesy fashion, “then you should steal Yugi’s deck.” He turned around. “Come on, Baseball Wreckers.” Bastion led his group away, back through the gunfire.

“But Bastion,” Piggybank said, “you KNOW how much I worship you, and can’t bear to disagree with you, but I disagree with how you handled that situation. Are you SURE he won’t steal that deck?” She stepped over a dead student’s body.

“Yes, I believe in this villain of the week,” Bastion pledged.

“But this is a two-parter,” Baseball Bob inferred, “so won’t he be the villain for the next TWO weeks, so he’s obviously going to steal that deck?”

“Yes. I mean no. Well, maybe…” Bastion ended his sentence there. He was satisfied, and dashed off. “I’M SORRYYYYYYYYYY!!”

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

“And so I told him, ‘Magic Cylinder, be-yotch!’” Syrus recounted to Koala Ko Ala, back in the Slifer Toolshed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Koala Ko Ala moped. “That didn’t help you get ME a ticket, did it?”

“No, but…”

“Even IF that was the last ticket,” Koala Ko Ala raged, “if you were a TRUE friend, you’d give those tickets of yours to ME and JADEN!!”

Syrus stared at him blankly.

YOOOOOOOO!!” roared Jaden suddenly! “I CAN’T STAND TO WAIT ANY LONGER!! Let’s sneak into that Yugi deck area tonight fo’ free, y’all!”

“But then what about the tickets?” Syrus worried.

“Now I don’t NEED a ticket!” Koala Ko Ala gleefully noticed! “What a THOUGHTFUL idea, NON-SYRUS!”

“And besides, we can sell the tickets tomorrow for maximum profit!” Jaden added! “You can’t go wrong!”

“…Okay,” Syrus syed, giving in.

 

Meanwhile, as I DO say a lot, Crowler and Bastion were in the YUGIHALLOFYUGIDECK, allowing two guards to leave early. “Boy, I golly-well do appreciate that you’re lettin’ us off early, Dr. Crowler!” one guy thanked rather well.

“Why don’t mention it,” Crowler responded in kind, taking the keys from that one guy. “Now leave before I have to viciously claw you in the face.”

“Alrighty then~!” The two guys took off.

“So, Bastion,” Crowler asked, “as you’re my protégé, as we SHOULD all remember,” it stared at the readers for a moment. “I hope this means you persuaded Barry the Beginner to take the deck, right?”

“Precisely as ordered, sir.”

Ma’am.

“Exactly. Now he SHOULD be inside, stealing that deck and escaping in order to duel Jaden,” calculated Bastion.

“Perfect,” snickered Crowler, “and now Jaden will be so horribly discouraged over losing to Yugi’s deck that he’ll stop sleeping as much as he used to, making him miss classes, so then he will FLUNK OUT OF SCHOOL!! HAHAHAHA!!”

“That sounds like a plan Syrus would think of,” Bastion thought. Suddenly there was a crash and the tinkling of glass. “That sounds like a crazy fool breaking the display case in which Yugi’s deck was housed.”

“Now we pretend to hunt down Barry…” Crowler informed, as it lead Bastion into the YUGIHALLOFYUGIDECK, past some wooden doors. Inside was Barry the Beginner, covering his eyes and picking up the deck.

“Ugh, uh!” He rushed to escape and ran into Crowler! “Ahh!” He fell over pathetically, still covering his eyes! “AH, IF I CAN’T SEE YOU, YOU CAN’T SEE ME!!” He ran past them and into the school like the idjit he was.

“What an idjit,” Crowler sighed.

 

Meanwhile again, Jaden, Syrus, and Koala Ko Ala walked through the halls past the two nameless guards. “I had no idea that guy was a doctor,” one said.

“I had no idea that guy was a dude,” the other said.

“Naw, it’s a lady!”

“I’m confused…” The trio ran on until they saw Bastion ‘approaching’ the YUGIHALLWITHYUGIDECK.

“Yo, Bastion!” Jaden greeted!

“Oh, fancy meeting you here, sneaking in and such,” Bastion unconvincingly said. “Let’s go inside.” They all went inside, without asking questions, stupidly. Inside they found… CROWLER AND A BROKEN GLASS DISPLAY CASE!!

 

“OMG CROWLER DID IT!!” Jaden cried!

“WHYYYYYYY?!?!” Koala Ko Ala sobbed!!

“Wait, it’s not what you think!” yelled Crowler!

“Mr. Crowler,” Syrus softly begged, “Why? Why did you steal Yugi’s deck?” He sniffled and let loose a single tear.

“IT’S MS.! OR DOCTOR!!” Crowler retorted! “Look, the one who stole it is Barry the Beginner boy. Go find him by the docks or something.”

“Makes sense to me!” Jaden decided. “Okay team, let’s make tracks!”

“But what if it wasn’t—” But Koala Ko Ala was too busy being pulled away to finish his sentence.

 

And so, by the docks, on a big rock, Barry the Beginner looked at his new stolen cards! “Yes, yes, yes! Now, with the greatest deck ever, I can be the greatest DUELIST ever! It makes perfect sense!” Syrus appeared over the horizon, however! Damn, why am I the first to arrive? Syrus asked himself.

“Hey, you,” he challenged, “some guy stole Yugi’s deck! Do you know who did it?”

“Somebody stole Yugi’s deck?!” gasped Barry the Beginner, with his newfound bad Yugi accent, “No way! My deck is right here! In the duel disk of Yugi Muto! Which is me!” He pointed to his Duel Disk.

Crap! Syrus remembered! In episode four, he said he was gonna get Yugi’s deck! And we’d see! We’d ALL see! Why didn’t I remember this before?!

“Uh, I’ll… duel you for it?” Syrus proposed.

“Pshaw! Why would I give my own deck away in a duel?” Barry the Beginner asked.

“I’ll give you… a chocolate bar.” Syrus held out one chocolate bar of varying quality.

IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D DDDDDDDUEL!!” And so Syrus pulled out a Duel Disk from outta nowhere and they dueled like nobody had ever been seen dueling before… because it was off-screen, and thereby stupid.

 

TWO! SECONDS!! LATER!!!

“We’re here to help, yo!” Jaden triumphantly exclaimed, leading the group upon the rock Syrus was dueling on!

“I fail…” Syrus muttered, on the ground, with a river of tears pouring forth.

“Yeah, you do…” Koala Ko Ala grunted.

“Not quite your day, now, is it?” Bastion said, just to add insult to insult.

“WAAAAA~ HAHAHAHAHA!!” laughed Barry the Beginner, chomping into a hard-won chocolate bar! “Now that I have defeated the boy I dueled and lost to earlier, it makes me look a lot more tough than before! I TRULY am the KING OF GAMES!!”

“Oh crap,” Jaden whispered, “it IS Yugi!”

“IDIOT!” Koala Ko Ala and Syrus slapped him in the back of the noggin.

“Ow… but the hair, and the accent…”

“YOU met Yugi in the beginning of the series,” Koala Ko Ala reminded, “and he is NOTHING like him!”

“Okay, whatever you say, Chumley.”

“MAH NAME’Z NOT CHUMLEH!!”

 

“Well, I see a fellow admirer,” Barry the Beginner kidded himself. “Would you like to have a chance to duel Yugi, the original Game King?”

“Uh, I’ll duel you, but just for your deck,” Jaden said.

“… Do you have a chocolate bar on you? This one’s running out.” Barry the Beginner held out his half-eaten chocolate bar.

“JADEN!!” Syrus hurled his Duel Disk through the air! “CATCH!!”

“THIS TOO!” Bastion added, tossing his chocolate bar for the ante! It had peanuts in it!

“YOU CAN’T DUEL WITHOUT THESE!” Koala Ko Ala stupidly threw Jaden’s own deck at him, causing the cards to scatter.

“HA!!” Jaden shoved his arm through the Duel Disk, fitting absolutely 100% perfectly! “HUAH!!” He flipped over backward through the air and caught the chocolate bar! Then next came the forty scattered cards and miscellaneous okay Fusion monsters! His eyes flashed chartreuse! “HA-HEH-HO-HEE-HA-HUR-HO-HA-HEEEEEYAAARGH!!” In a berserk had motion, he grabbed every last card and stuffed them into his Duel Disk! Lastly, he threw his chocolate bar at Barry the Beginner. “Now let’s duel!” he challenged.

“But you just gave me the ante…”

Jaden held out the REAL bar that was tossed at him! “That one doesn’t have peanuts in it,” he revealed.

IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D DDDDDDDUEL!!

“GET YOUR GAME ON!!”

“BOO,” somebody said.

(Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Barry the Beginner: 4000 Life Points)

 

“YEAH!!” Jaden shouted, drawing his cards. “I’ll start my turn by placing Elemental Hero Avian in Defense Mode!” Avian flew onto the scene!

“Yargh!” he growled! (Avian: 1000 Defense Points)

“NO, NOT AVIAN!!” screamed his friends. But it was too late.

“Well, I use Polymerization to fuse Gazelle, the King of Mythical Beasts and Berfomet, to form Chimera, the Flying Mythical Beast!” shouted Barry the Beginner! A lion-dude and a demon-big-nosed-dude appeared on the field, but were absorbed in a cool pixie dust spray of light and became a two-headed lion…with wings!

“RAWRAWR!!” they growled! (Chimera: 2100 Attack Points)

“Heh, that guy was ALWAYS sucky!” Jaden sniffed.

“Uh, help?” Avian asked, as he was being ripped apart by the twin-headed beast… with wings!

“But he doesn’t suck as much as my Avian does!” Jaden heroically added!

“HOW IS THAT GOOD?!”

 

“Hey, Sy,” Koala Ko Ala said, still sore about earlier, “do you have any advice, seein’ as you dueled him earlier?”

“No, I just drew all Spells and Traps, and he savagely beat me up with Chimera the Flying Mythical—”

“You’re USELESS.”

“… Aw.”

“Actually,” Bastion cut in, “there IS a way to defeating this guy.”

“Really?”

“Yes. As Barry the Beginner is merely a beginner who copies other people’s decks, you need to know all the failings of whomever he’s copied. Jaden, you’ve dueled Yugi before! You know how to beat hiiiiim!!” Bastion shouted!

“No!” Jaden sighed. “I said he gave me a crappy collectible card! When did I EVER tell you I dueled him?”

“I just thought…” Bastion looked down at his shoes. “Am I ever helpful?”

“More helpful than me,” Syrus helpfully told.

“How is THAT supposed to make me feel better?!” Bastion erupted!

 

Time for more tone-settin’ music. “Eh, back to the duel,” Jaden said, gettin’ back on track, “I’ll bring out an ol’ fave of everyone’s…”

“Flame Wingman?” Syrus giddily expected.

“No! Who the hell likes HIM? I fuse Elemental Heroes Sparkman and Clayman with Polymerization to summon Elemental Hero Thunder Giant!” Because I’m too tired of always saying ‘there was a crappy effect’, I’ll probably skip the Polymerization sequences for now and say that Thunder Giant appeared as a bolt of lightning that struck the ground with a large ‘KEH-BYOOM!!’ (Thunder Giant: 2400 Attack Points) “I’ll use his ability to destroy one guy who’s weaker than him!”

“RAR!” yelled Thunder Giant, as he thrust his palm out and released a stream of ELECTRICITY!! Chimera simply blew up.

“Now it’s MY turn to use MY special ability for MYself!” yelled Barry the Beginner, still emulating Yugi with his humiliating, diminutively-deep voice. “When Chimera the Flying Mythical Beast is destroyed, I can summon Berfomet from the Graveyard again!” And from the steaming husk of the lion monster, Berfomet, the four-armed demon with wings broke through and onto the field.

“Who cares? Voltic Thunder!” Thunder Giant did exactly as he did before, shooting lightning, and blowing up an enemy.

 

That ability saved his Life Points from takin’ a BIG HIT! Jaden thought. This deck’s really livin’ up to da’ HYPE!

“What, is SHOOTING LIGHTNING ALL YOUR PUNY MONSTER CAN DO? Wahahahaha!” Barry the Beginner mocked!

“Hey, the REAL Yugi doesn’t MOCK people!”

“Yes I do! Now I use Monster Reincarnation!” He held out a Spell card featuring a cool purple stick. “I can discard a card and add one monster back into my hand from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!” He summoned back his Gazelle guy, who was, in fact, not a gazelle. (Gazelle: 1500 Defense Points) “Next I’ll use… SWORDS OF REVEALING LIIIIIIGHT!!” An orb of energy appeared above the players, raining swords down from above!

“Wow! Nostalgia alert!” Jaden laughed! “Even after all these years, that card STILL fails to make sense! Ha ha!”

I should be the one laughing, because I’ve just made all your monsters useless for three turns!”

“What?” Jaden whined, like a four year-old. “Three turns? That’s no fair! Hmph! I’ll just have to summon Dark Catapulter!” And so, the weird dino-man from the Titan duel, which likely made the lil’ monster famous, appeared in Defense Mode. (Dark Catapulter: 1500 Defense Points)

 

“Hmm,” Barry the Beginner thought, “that monster has an ability that destroys Spell and Trap cards… BUT NOT FOR LONG!! HUUUUUU-AH!!” Barry the Beginner did an intense arm movement that served no purpose! “I TRIGGER MY TRAP CARD!!”

“Crap! A Trap!” rhymed Koala Ko Ala! A Trap card featuring a red coffin of some sort appeared!

“Dark Renewal, in fact! And when you summon a monster, I can tribute that and one of my own cards to the Graveyard to summon a Spellcaster from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!

“You don’t mean you discarded, with Monster Reincarnation…” gulped Jaden.

YES! THE EPIC DAAAAARK MAGICIAAAAAAAN!!” The coffin in the picture appeared on the field and absorbed the souls of Gazelle and Dark Catapulter! It rattled and shook and spewed forth black smog! And after a few seconds of building the suspense, the coffin opened.

“GASP!!” screamed the Jaden team guys!

 

A figure sat up out of the coffin. “YAAAAAWN,” they yawned, rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. It was… the Dark Magician, in all his purple glory, wearing his signature tall hat. “Uh, who the hell’re you?” (Dark Magician: 2500 Attack Points)

“Why, I’m Yugi!” Barry the Beginner persuaded!

“No. You’re not.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

HOW ANTI-CLIMACTIC!! ” shouted Jaden and co.

“Oh, who cares who I am, just get out there and fight! Fight for what’s right!” Barry the Beginner told DM.

“Well, okay, when you put it that way.” Dark Magician stood up as the coffin faded away into non-existence, and he held his staff lazily.

“Um, since it’s still my turn,” Jaden remembered suddenly, setting his monster into Defense Mode, “I’ll put my Thunder Giant into Defense Mode for now! But he’ll come back swingin’!”

“What does that mean?”

 

“I play the Spell card, Thousand Knives!” called Barry the Beginner. As soon as he’d said that, a bunch of knives began appearing a few at a time. “As long as I have Dark Magician on my field, I can destroy one of your monsters!”

“Um, that’s a lot more than a few,” Syrus shivered. A MASSIVE COLLECTION OF OVER A MILLION KNIVES HAD APPEARED BEHIND BARRY THE BEGINNER’S HEAD.

“Who cares? Kill the giant!” The duelist pointed at the yellow giant and the knives flew. They swarmed around the prey in a dome-like formation!

“What’s goin’ on, yo?” Jaden asked in suspense! “I’m gettin’ goose bumps!” In a flash, thunder Giant was forced out of the dome as knives jabbed themselves into his arms and chest, propelling him into the sky as more and more new knives each copied the last! Finally, as he was around thirty feet into the sky, more knives stabbed his hands and feet, pulling his body into an X-shaped pose. AND A STEADY COLLUMN OF KNIVES FELL ONTO HIM FROM THE SKY, completely covering his back in knives upon knives of knives. And when everybody thought it was over, one more GIGANTIC knife fell and cleaved the guy in half. What a way to go. “DAY-UM, ‘dat was harsh!” Jaden said, covering his eyes.

“Word!” added Syrus.

“Shut up, Syrus,” Koala Ko Ala sneered.

“Wha?! But whyyyyyyy?!”

 

“So, Jaden, still star-struck, are you?” Barry the Beginner chuckled. “Well, how would you like being STRUCK by your STAR?! Dark Magic Attack!!” Dark Magician stared at him. “What? I said ‘Dark Magic Attack!’”

“Dude, you can’t even make a good pun.” Dark Magician slowly floated over to Jaden. “All you’re worth is this.” He bonked Jaden on the head with his staff.

“AAAAAH, AH, AAAAAAAAH!!” Jaden screamed! (Jaden: 1500 Life Points) DM floated back to his original spot. “That hurt!”

“That was even worse than what Thunder Giant went through!” speculated Bastion.

“May be true, but I ain’t givin’ up!” Jaden proclaimed!

“That’s right!” congratulated Barry the Beginner. “Never give up! Like I always constantly say, ‘believe in the heart of the cards!’

Heart of the cards?Jaden thought. I wonder if there’s a stomach, too… ew, gross thought! Gross thought! But right now, the only cards I care about are his! Either I win ‘em, or we lose ‘em! Jaden pushed these thoughts away. Alright Jaden, time to get your game on!

BOO, someone said.

…Well, here goes something!

BOO, someone repeated.

 

“I summon Wroughtweiler in Defense Mode, yo.” His black robot dog guy leaped onto the field, knocking itself into one of the swords of light and burned its side. (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points)

“I destroy your pup!” Barry the Beginner said! Dark Magician bonked the dog on the head, detonating it.

“Thanks, ‘cause when you kill Wroughtweiler, I can add an E-Hero and Polymerization into my hand from the Graveyard!” Jaden pulled Avian and Polymerization right outta the Graveyard!

“Hm, nice play,” said Barry the Beginner.

“Not really,” corrected Syrus and Dark Magician.

“Grr, this guy’s really startin’ t’ piss me off!” Jaden drew his next card with the heart of a duelist! Or a nerd, whichever you’d prefer. “ I summon Avian back to the field again and throw down a face-down!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Ha~ I’m back!” Avian laughed, flying into one of the swords of light! “Ow! The sword!” (Avian: 1000 Defense Points)

“NO, JADEN, DON’T!!” the peanut gallery urged.

“I learned my lesson from last time, dudes!” Jaden said, throwing down his face-down.

“Yes! I am safe!” Avian believed! Suddenly, the swords of light faded into nothingness again! “Oh, hey. Cool.”

“Hey!” Syrus remembered! “It’s been three turns! The Swords of Revealing Light are gone! You can attack now! Isn’t that great?” As he’d said, the swords disappeared. Jaden turned to Syrus with an energy-less expression, picking his nose with his pinky.

“Eh, I already knew that, but thanks.”

Why’s there an intense feeling of hostility here?...

 

“NOW! DARK MAGICIAN, ATTACK AVIAN!!” Barry the Beginner roared!

“OH NOOOO!!” Avian cried!

“YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DOOOO!!” Dark Magician rebelled, still attacking though!

“NOT SO FAST!!” interrupted Jaden! “I PLAY A HERO EMERGES!!” His card featuring a zombie super hero rising to the occasion flipped up, right on cue! “Now, choose a card!” Jaden said, holding his hand of cards out.

“I choose the only monster in your hand!” Barry the Beginner guessed!

“You made the RIGHT decision! I summon Elemental Hero Bladedge to the field!” An awesome super hero in solid-gold armor (complete with intense shading!) and massive scythe-like blades on his forearms appeared in a golden flash of light! (Bladedge: 2600 Attack Points)

Damn, he’s way cooler than me, sobbed Avian.

“Crap! He actually got a monster?!” Barry the Beginner gulped!

“There should be more super heroes like that these days!” Syrus decided! “I mean, that guy’s practically got blades drippin’ off of him! He’s made of gold! What could go wrong?”

“Shut up, Syrus,” everyone said.

“How mean…”

 

“Hmm, even if you summoned a monster stronger than my Dark Magician, I still have a great Spell card up my sleeve…” A card showing a blue-skinned guy in awesome leather clothing with a great hat and staff appeared, upstaging Dark Magician! “Dedication Through Light and Darkness! This card lets me tribute Dark Magician for the DARK MAGICIAN OF CHAOS!!

“OF CHAOS?!?!” gasped Syrus and Koala Ko Ala!

“YES, OF CHAOS!!” The Dark Magician was consumed within purple energy and became the guy in the picture!

“Yo, now I look cool!” he said about himself. (DMoC: 2800 Attack Points)

“He DOES look funky fresh,” Jaden admitted.

“And by just summoning my funky fresh magician, I can add a Spell card into my hand FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!! But enough about that, as I’ll DESTROY YOUR MONSTER!!”

“YEAH!!” DMoC fired an indigo laser at Bladedge from the tip of his staff! It blew up the best American hero from Japan we’ve ever had.

“CRAAAAAAAP!!” cursed Jaden! (Jaden: 1300 Life Points) “This sucks! I was so booking on that strategy, too!”

“Well, better luck NEXT time, hahahahaha!!” Barry the Beginner laughed.

Man, against this dude, gettin’ mah game on may not be enough! Jaden thought.

BOO, someone said.

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 19: The King of Copycats - Part Two]This TV Gag is dedicated to the English translation of Yu Yu Hakusho, featured in Shonen Jump magazine.

 

Yusuke Urameshi had just come back to life and entered the demon plane in order to help stop the big bad, Sensui! “Hey, Sensui!” Yusuke yelled. “Sorry to keep you waiting!! Shall we pick up from where we left off?!”

Then, Hiei, one of Yusuke’s three subordinate fighting buddies, the no-nonsense short guy with a secret past spoke up. “Hold on there, po’dner. I’d like to take him on first.” Everybody present turned to him and stared. “What? What’s wrong? Stop staring at me.”

“WAHAHAAHAHAHAAH!!” everybody laughed!

“IT’S NOT FUNNY!!” Hiei growled!

“I’m sorry, but it is,” Kurama, the demon fox admitted, trying to regain composure, “you’re not supposed to say those kinds of things! It’s just so…” He burst out in laughter again.

“Ha ha, ya cheeseball!” insulted Kuwabara.

“Hey, nobody says ‘cheeseball’ either! Why aren’t you laughing at him?”

“It’s ‘cause you’re such a SHRIMPBOAT!” Yusuke shouted, cracking up!

“HOLY CHEESE ON RYE, THIS IS SO FUNNY!! GAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHHAYYAYYAYAYYAYAYA!!!” laughed Sensui, blasting them all into bits with an energy blast.

 

Bastion threw his YuYu Hakusho book onto the floor. Whoever translated this story… he promised, …SHALL FEEL MY WRATH, BLAST IT!!

“Hey, what’cha doin’ readin’ manga?” Koala Ko Ala asked. “Jaden’s still dueling Yugi’s deck!” He pointed at the Dark Magician of Chaos Jaden was facing down.

“Oh yes, I completely forgot!” Bastion gasped!

“How could you forget that…?”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 19: The King of Copycats – Part Two

 

(Jaden: 1300 Life Points, Barry the Beginner: 4000 Life Points) Wow, I’d better do more than just get my game on, Jaden realized.

BOO, someone said.

This guy doesn’t just have Yugi’s deck, he thinks he IS Yugi! He’s one crazy muthah! Somebody call in the funny farm, because this guy’s all jacked up in da’ head! “Oh-kay, time for a comeback!!” Jaden called out! He drew his next card! “I gotta draw something tough—WINGED KURIBOH?!”

“OOH,” said his newly-drawn Winged Kuriboh card.

“Oh what the hell, do you think this is FUNNY?”

“OOH!” Winged Kuriboh responded, closing its eyes with joy.

“’Kay ya lil’ bastard, if you wanna play, play with Barry the Beginner!” Jaden summoned his lil’ fluffer-nutter to the field! (Winged Kuriboh: 200 Defense Points)

“Yo,” Avian greeted. Winged Kuriboh glared at him. “What did I do? YOU’RE the one nobody likes.”

“I’ll also throw down a face-down and call it a turn!” Jaden added with a wink.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Man, do you REALLY have to say that EVERY time?” Syrus challenged. Jaden turned to him and looked at him as if to say, ‘who IS this crazy kid?’

 

“Hmm, nice to see you again,” Barry the Beginner sighed, “BUT THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE ORIGINAL!!” The original Kuriboh was summoned to the field, accompanied by intense music! (Kuriboh: 200 Defense Points)

Syrus couldn’t take it!! “’OLY SHI—”

“WATCH YO MOUFF!!” Koala Ko Ala attacked, slapping Syrus in the face!

“YEOWCH!”

“But why would you summon him?” Jaden asked. “That was just plain retarded!”

“And you’re offensive! Dark Magician of Chaos, destroy Avian!”

“Okay,” agreed DMoC.

“Not so fast!” yelled Jaden!

“Oh, okay.” DMoC sat down again, idle.

“I play Super Junior Confrontation!” Jaden activated his Trap card, which featured two kindergarteners (one of which was CHAZZ?! I think) boxing against each other! “This card which for some reason has baby-fied Chazz fighting some other kid makes our weakest monsters battle each other! Yo!”

“OOH!!” Original-flavor Kuriboh flew into and through Winged Kuriboh like an ace fighter jet!

“Heh, he died!” Jaden chuckled!

“Erm, yes. Now I set a card and I’ll end my turn,” Barry the Beginner said, finishing up.

 

“My turn! Hope ya’ like playin’ with bubbles, because I summon Elemental Hero Bubbleman!”

“That sounded stupid.”

“I know!” And so, the fat batman guy in blue appeared in a bubbly mist! (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points)

“How does that guy even SOUND threatening in the LEAST?” wondered DMoC. Yes, his name will always be shortened now.

“I don’t know, but I’ll activate a Field Spell you may need a hard hat for! Skyscraper!”

“Stop it with the stupid stuff, please!” DMoC pleaded!

“All this was in the original script, so it can’t be helped!” As soon as he’d said that, dozens of building broke through the ground! “Also when an Elemental Hero guy attacks a stronger guy, he gains 1000 Attack Points.”

“Kick his ass, Jay!” Syrus encouraged! “No, this will NEVER be a G-rated series!”

“And I’m giving Bubbleman the equip Spell Bubbleman’s Bazooka!” Bubbleman was suddenly holding a blue bubble bazooka.

“That’s even cooler than Sparkman’s Gun!!” Avian gasped!

“Of course, it’s a bazooka! And it gives’m 800 more Attack Points!” Jaden explained! (Bubbleman: 1600 Attack Points) “And when he dies in battle, only the BAZOOKA dies! Now SHOOT HIIIIIIIM!!” And taking great aim, Bubbleman splashed Kuriboh… but not yet!

“Attacking Kuriboh? WHICH Kuriboh? I activate MULTIPLY!!” Barry the Beginner flipped up Multiply, a picture of a NOTKURIBOH demon-ish figure turning into three NOTKURIBOH demon-ish figures, and had nothing to do with KURIBOH AT ALL. “This Kuriboh-related card makes FOUR Kuribohs!” Four Kuribohs flew out of the Spell in dazzling fashion as the original blew up for some reason!

“This is it,” Syrus muttered, shaking, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse they are symbolically bringing the duel to an end… but they’re still cute.” And then one got splashed by a bubble and ‘sploded. “Okay, only three now.”

“Ha, my Kuriboh token was in Defense Mode, making your attack useless!” Barry the Beginner admitted! “Will you end you turn now, Jaden?”

“Sure, Barry, but not ‘till I throw DOWN a face-DOWN, yo!” Jaden threw down a face-down.

“BOO,” someone said.

Syrus was right, Bastion analyzed, he really DOES say that EVERY time!

 

“Well,” Barry the Beginner said, “I play the magic of Card of Sanctity!” He played a card I’d detailed at least once before, with guys dancing in a storm of cash. “Each player draws cards until their hands are six cards big!”

“Dah, okay!” Jaden said. Barry the Beginner drew Ancient Gear Golem!

“Uh, whoops, I mixed in a few cards from my last deck on accident,” he shrugged, throwing it away into the ocean.

“It’s okay, man, just draw another.”

Barry the Beginner drew Statue of the Wicked.

“Um, I drew another…”

“Gosh, man, draw right this time!” DMoC yelled!

“Okay, I’ll try!” Barry the Beginner threw away the last card and drew Lolwut. I NEVER EVEN USED THIS ONE!! Barry the Beginner despaired with a look of total disgust dressing his face! “Oh, HERE’S the right card, ha ha ha,” he laughed uncertainly, as he drew his next CORRECT card. It was Watapon! A puffy thing with huge eyes and antennae! “When I draw Watapon by an ability, I can summon it to the field, but then I’ll sacrifice it!” Watapon flew onto the field and became an orb of shimmering light! “Now come forth, Dark Magician Girl!” And so, the overly-popular monster I see absolutely nothing in flew onto the field and struck a pose! (DMG: 2000 Attack Points)

“Aw, man,” Syrus syed, blushing, “now I’m attracted to a collectible trading card! I feel dumb.”

“You disgust me,” Bastion flat-out admitted.

“She dresses even less than Alexis!” Jaden gasped! “And she really doesn’t dress much, if ya know what ah mean, eheheheh!” He winked. “No, I don’t wanna get it either.”

“Well she gains 300 Attack Points for the Dark Magician card in my Graveyard!” Barry the Beginner added! She glowed and grew STRONG!! (DMG: 2300 Attack Points)

“Okay, sis, ready to kick butt?” asked the blue magician guy. Dark Magician Girl said nothing. “Oh yeah, you don’t have a soul card version of her…” He felt lonely. “I’ll attack him for you now.” He raised his staff into the air.

 

“WAIT!!” Barry the Beginner squealed! “Don’t destroy the bazooka first! Let Dark Magician Girl do that, and then YOU attack for more damage!”

“I don’t listen to you, you’re not Yugi!”

“Thanks for being an idiot!” Jaden thanked!

“’YER WELCOME!!” DMoC blew up Bubbleman’s Bazooka!

“Aw, I liked the bazooka,” Avian sighed.

“Okay, Dark Magician Girl, do your thing,” Barry the Beginner ordered, sadly. The female version of the magician used the female version of the last attack, with extra pink. And Bubbleman blew up!

“Ugh, it still sucks, though!” Jaden growled! (Jaden: 800 Life Points) “Hey, wait! This Life Points thing is messed up sumthin’ terrible, dude!” Jaden realized!

No! Don’t tell him! Syrus thought.

“If my Bubbleman has 1600 Attack Points when equipped with Bubble Blaster, and when it’s destroyed, he has 800 again, how come I didn’t take all the damage I should have?”

“Huh?” wondered Barry the Beginner.

Stop explaining it to him!

“I mean, YOUR lady magician gal has 2300 Attack Points, more than 1300 extra points are left over from battling Bubbleman!”

“…And your point iiiiis?”

“GOSH DARNIT, JAY, DON’T TELL HIM WHY YOU DIDN’T LOSE DUE TO A GLITCH YET!?!?” Syrus shouted!

“Oh yeah, cheatin’s what helped me beat Zane!” Jaden geared up for battle again! “Cheatin’s gonna help me win back that deck fair ‘n square, thanks to glitches!”

There’s a lot of things wrong with that sentence, Bastion and Koala Ko Ala thought, their faces contorted by disgust.

 

“I’m back, baby!” Jaden drew his next card! “Now I think I’m ready to use Polymerization to fuse Elemental Heroes Avian and Burstinatrix to form Flame Wingman! See, I told you guys he was gonna be useful soon!”

“You didn’t say that.” And so the lady of flames stood next to Avian, and they made the crappy swirling fusion in a massive tornado this time for some reason, but it was okay this time, since Flame Wingman made his best pose yet, which I’m not detailing for some sick satisfaction of mine. (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points)

“I wish I knew what that pose looked like,” Syrus syed.

“Shut up!” yelled Koala Ko Ala.

“And I’m not done yet!” Jaden exclaimed, holding out The Warrior Returning Alive! “I bring back my Sparkman to the field!” Sparkman appeared FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, covered in blood, arrows, and bloody arrows. He flexed his mighty arms, blowing them all away! He was REBORN!! (Sparkman: 1600 Attack Points) “Now, with the power of Skyscraper, take out that magician! The cool-looking one!” (Flame Wingman: 3100 Attack Points)

“Cool-looking…” DMoC craned his neck around. “Oh, crap.” Flame Wingman stuck his dragon arm onto his head from above and annihilated the body with a sudden burst of flames!

“Noooo, my magician of magical tricks!” cried Barry the Beginner!

“And plus,” Jaden added, “due to my hero’s super power—”

“SPECIAL ABILITY!!” cried some guy.

“Whatever, you lose Life Points equal to your guy’s attack points, in addition to the battle damage.”

“FWAAAAAH!!” screamed Barry the Beginner, being consumed by flame in a whirly twister-shaped fashion! (Barry the Beginner: 900 Life Points)

“Next I’ll attack…”

“Jaden, don’t kill Dark Magician Girl yet,” Syrus pleaded. “You KNOW how depraved semi-pubescent little boys get.”

“Okay then!” Jaden decided! “For Syrus’s sick kicks, I’ll kill a token!” Sparkman walked over to a Kuriboh token, picked it up, studied it, and ate it. “Now that he’s done bein’ barbaric and disgustin’, I’ll throw down… I mean, SET,” Jaden winked, “two cards face-down, and use Emergency Provisions!” The card with crackers and a kipper snack appeared again! One of the cards became a cracker...and he ate it! “Mmm! Them’s sum GOOD Life Points!” (Jaden: 1800 Life Points) And I owe it all to cheating… Jaden happily thought, with a dreamy look on his face.

 

“That was a great turn!” Koala Ko Ala cheered! “Except… for Syrus’s suggestion…”

“I’m sorry, I’m disgusting!”

“Don’t worry about your fetishes, Syrus, I’m just the same way! I switch my Dark Magician Girl into Defense Mode, and then I’ll play Spider Web!” Barry the Beginner played a Spell card! It had a spider on it. The spider was in a web. BUT THEN A STRAND OF HUGE SILK SHOT OUT OF THE CARD AND INTO JADEN’S DUEL DISK!! It stole a card out of his Graveyard and brought it back to Barry the Beginner!

“Holy shizznit! Holograms are trippy!”

“They sure are, Jaden, because my Spell card here lets me take a card you placed in your Graveyard last turn, and steal it… FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!! I chose… the cracker card!!” He revealed the Emergency Provisions card Jaden just used!

“He’s right!” Bastion gasped! “There IS a cracker on that card!”

“I’ll set two cards, play Monster Reincarnation, discard a card, take back Kuriboh, and set one more card, and then I’ll discard ALL THREE for the cracker card!” And so all of that stuff happened in fast motion, just to save time and money! (Barry the Beginner: 2900 Life Points)

“But why Kuriboh?”

“Because he’s the stuff of nightmares!”

“Amen to that, bruthah’-man! But he’s still not as scary as being blown up in a fiery inferno by FLAME WINGMAN!!”

“He’s right!” assisted (dead) DMoC. Dark Magician Girl was punched allowing her to ‘SPLODE!! Then Barry the Beginner caught on fire again.

“WoooOOAAAHOHOHOH! I’m getting TIRED of that!” (Barry the Beginner: 1600 Life Points)

“Now, I totally own your mom by using De-Fusion!”

“WHAT?!” Barry the Beginner gasped! “Take that back, you mother fu—”

“And I use De-Fusion.”

“What?!” A card with a picture of two guys being defused appeared, allowing Flame Wingman to become Avian and Burstinatrix once more!

“Kill ‘da Kuribohs!”

“Yes, SIR!!” Avian agreed! He and Burstinatrix grabbed the two last Kuriboh Tokens and chowed down into them!

“Now, Sparkman, end this two-parter!” Sparkman dashed at Barry the Beginner, charged up his ‘lectrical palms, and…

“No! I discard Kuriboh, the stuff of nightmares!!” Barry the Beginner yelled! A big wall of the fluffy dudes appeared and swarmed over Sparkman!

Aw, man, I can’t eat ALL of these! Sparkman thought. If only I had my gun!! He ran away to fight another day!

“Shipwreck!” Jaden cursed!

“I forgot Kuriboh had a special ability!” Syrus cried! “It’s too cute to remember THAT!!”

“Shut up, Syrus!” Koala Ko Ala roared! “Do you EVER STOP ANALYZING EVERYTHING THAT THE VIEWERS FEEL OR HAVE TO KNOW?!”

“Koala Ko Ala, calm down!” Syrus urged! “I’m sorry I didn’t duel for a ticket for you! It’s just that the script didn’t call for that!”

“… Okay.” Koala Ko Ala turned around and was silent.

Is he… still mad at me, now that I’ve said sorry?

Oh, Kuriboh, Barry the Beginner reminisced, that brings me back to those duels in Battle City, against Seto Kaiba, that freak with the Blue-Eyes White Dragon-shaped jet aeroplane. Do you remember that? A faint spiritual representation of Kuriboh appeared and shook its head, for no. Ah, yes. You do. It shook its head harder. YOU DO, I SAY! Now, let’s show this kid who the TRUE King of Games REALLY is!!

 

“Alright, this is for Kuriboh. His fall SHALL NOT be in VAIN!!”

“What?” gasped the opposing crowd.

“I remove Watapon and Kuriboh FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, IN ORDER TO SUMMON BLACK LUSTER SOLDIER, ENVOY OF THE BEGINNING!!” Kuriboh and Watapon briefly appeared on the field before swirling into a chaotic pool of soul juice.

“What’s he doing?” Syrus asked. “What’s that monster?”

“Oh, bloody heck…” Bastion shook uncontrollably before collapsing onto his knees. “Th-that monster…”

“It’s such a strong monster that it physically affects you?!” Koala Ko Ala gasped! “That’s sick!”

“That and one other monster are SO rare, that they’re in the SAME CLASS as Blue-Eyes White Dragon, as there are only about four or five copies, because that’s stupid but helps sales,” Bastion narrated, “and they’re SO powerful that they’re banned in tournaments all over the world, making them utterly useless as a big ‘take that, you suck’ to those who spent their lives searching, searching for such a card…”

 

“AND RIGHT YOU ARE!!” Barry the Beginner agreed! “I SUMMON MY BLACK LUSTER SOLDIER!!” And from the puddle of soul juice arose a man with scarlet hair drooping from a helmet and armor crafted from gold and sapphire, decorated with two draconic rubies. His mighty blade and shield were as strong as three full-strength Avians! (Black Luster Soldier – Envoy of the Beginning: 3000 Attack Points, 2500 Defense Points) “Now, kill Avian right now!”

“WHY ME?!?!”

“HUAH!!” The soldier brought up his blade, and swung it down hard enough to cause a ripple through all of space-time! Avian disintegrated.

“Uh…” (Jaden: 0 Life Points) “I use the power of Skyscraper, though it’s illegal!” (Jaden: 800 Life Points) “Thank GOODNESS for cheapness!” Jaden thanked.

“Yes, like MY brand of specially-crafted cheapness you can only get at YugiMart!” Barry the Beginner said!

“What’re YOU gettin’ at, bub?”

“My monster can attack TWICE per turn!”

“Oh schnitzel.” The ripple that the last attack forced through space-time began surging back! Imagine it as you will, as I have no idea what I’m talking about! The force of the blast was coming straight for Burstinatrix!

“Oh crap,” Syrus gasped, “now cheating CAN’T help him now!”

“Cheating help us!” pleaded Bastion! “Cheating help us ALL!” Even though I was told to do this by Crowler, Bastion thought, I never WANTED Jaden to lose! I just wanted to see him win a jolly good duel! Maybe make a two-parter event! But not like THIS!

 

“No way, Joes! I ain’t lettin’ BURSTINATRIX die, no matter how much of an ample target Avian is! I use Hero Spirit!” A Trap activated, showing off a hero and his blazing soul within a battle versus a massive hoard of unstoppable evil and rage! “If an Elemental Hero died this turn, all damage is reduced to zero!” Avian’s spirit appeared by Burstinatrix!

I shall protect you!” he promised. Burstinatrix turned very annoyed-looking and simply shoved him into the distortion of time and space. “You didn’t have to be so MEAN about it!!” he complained, fading away once more.

“Hmm, you’ve saved yourself for one more turn, boy,” Barry the Beginner acknowledged, “but hear me; YOU SHALL FALL NEXT TURN!! So says the heart of the cards.”

Aw, man, he’s right! All I have to do with THAT is thinking of STOMACHS! thought Jaden, referring to the last episode. I don’t have anything else to protect me now. And it’s highly unlikely that I’ll get exactly the card I’ll need to win next turn. What can I do?

“OOH,” suggested Winged Kuriboh, appearing before him. Jaden punched him away.

Damn, you make me so furious for an unexplained cause!! Jaden thought. Wait… wait! If I can just channel all this rage into my duelin’ muscle, I can WIN THIS THANG!! Jaden began glowing with an aura comparable to a thousand suns!

“What’s happening?!” Koala Ko Ala gasped!

“HE’S ACTIVATING HIS DUELING MUSCLE!!” Bastion shouted! “BRACE YOURSELVES!!”

“I DRAW… I DRAW… I DRAAAAW!!” Jaden drew. “YES!! BARRY, ‘YER TOASTED BREAD!! I use Silent Doom, which allows me to bring back Avian in Defense Mode with no costs!” He slammed his card (with the picture of an evil hand grabbing some energy) into the Graveyard and called out Avian!

“I never die~” Avian cheered!

 

MY SOUL BURNS WITH THE FURY OF A HUNDRED TEMPESTS!!” Jaden roared!

“What’s he talkin’ ‘bout?” wondered Koala Ko Ala.

WITH DOUBLE SPELL, I SHALL TAKE THE SPIRITS OF YUGI WHICH YOU HAVE STOLEN!!” He played a Spell card, featuring two cool magicians putting two magic energy spheres together for some reason! “I DISCARD THIS CARD IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, AND I TAKE YOUR POLYMERIZATION IN THE HONOR BEFORE REASON!!” The two magicians from the card appeared and grabbed Barry the Beginner!

“What’s goin’ on ‘round here?!” Barry the Beginner screamed. The mages took Polymerization out of his Graveyard and ran with it all the way back to Jaden!

THE CLUSTERING WILLS OF MY TWO MONSTERS COMBINES TO FORM A NEW STAR!!” Jaden screamed! Avian and Burstinatrix floated a bit for one more combo.

“This is all I’m good for,” Avian mumbled. They combined again… to make Flame Wingman, who was really in the Graveyard.

“Great,” Syrus Sy-ed, “now he’s cheating AND spouting random dramatic gibberish…”

AND NOW, IN THE NAME OF SYRUS PLEASE SHUT UP…

“Hey!”

I CALL OUT THE FINAL CREATION DESTINED TO BLOW YOUR HOPES OF THEIVERY AWAY, ELEMENTAL HERO FLAME WINGMAN!!” And so, on top of the highest point of the highest tower in Skyscraper Town with an antenna on it, Flame Wingman descended once more!! (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points)

“Oh, poopy!” gasped Barry the Beginner!

FLAME WINGMAN, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, GO BEYOND WHAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE THE BARRIER, AND KICK OFF INTO TOMORROW!!” Jaden babbled! “SKYDIVE SCORCHER!!

 

Flame Wingman leaped off of the tower and gained power from the poppin’ city beat! (Flame Wingman: 3100 Attack Points) He disappeared. “Huh?” wondered Black Luster Soldier. But then Flame Wingman reappeared in front of his face without warning! The hero of the day punched Black Luster Soldier in the jaw SO HARD that he IMPLODED, creating a massive ripple in space that created funny hats for everybody.

“What the heck?” asked the audience, stunned to see their new jester cap, beanie, and ten-gallon hat upon their heads.

NOW,” Jaden shouted, wearing a derby hat, “COMMENCE THE DIVINE PUNISHMENT!! BLOW HIM AWAY!!!?!” And Flame Wingman flew in front of Barry the Beginner again, for the THIRD TIME, and pressed his flamedragonarm to his face. Taking off his beret in shock, Barry simply grimaced.

“I already said I was getting tired of this attack…” BAM! And the Life Points were GONE! (Barry the Beginner: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“HE DID IT!!” Koala Ko Ala cheered! “It’s all thanks to cheating!”

The field was filled with smoke, thanks to that last big attack by Flame Wingman. Barry the Beginner fell to the ground and shivered as Jaden approached in a slow, doomy manner. “P-please, don’t come near me,” Barry the Beginner pleaded, reverting to his previous voice. But Jaden did not stop. He stared at Barry the Beginner with the most dejected-looking expression he could muster, gaining a Yankee stance and delinquent eyes. He looked down at him. Then he said the most dramatic thing he could think of.

DARN tootin’,” Jaden growled menacingly. “Aw, crap. I’ve been readin’ too much of the AMERICAN ENGLISH RELEASE OF YU YU HAKUSHO!!”

WE GET IT! YOU DON’T LIKE THE TRANSLATOR! GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!!” screamed Angry McArgue.

"But I love that guy, he's so funny when he doesn't want to be!" Syrus insisted.

“Okay, fine,” Jaden agreed. “Now, Barry, gimme ‘da cardz.”

“These?” Barry the Beginner asked, holding out the Yugideck. Suddenly a strong, random wind blew by. The cards were sent flying over the nearby cliff. “Oops.”

“…”

“…”

YOU JUST DROPPED YUGI’S DEEEEEECK!!!!” Jaden overreacted with good cause!! He held up his MIGHTY FIST OF RAEJ!!

“W-wait, wait!” Barry the Beginner pleaded! “I can explain EVERYTHING…”

 

“Uh, did he just drop the deck off the cliff?” Syrus asked, just to check.

“Yep,” Koala Ko Ala verified.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” Bastion screamed!

“GAAH! You’re out of character!” Syrus gasped.

“Don’t you two good chums see?!” Bastion asked. “You two have to combine your energies to save the day, here! Only YOU two can do it!” Koala Ko Ala and Syrus stared at each other. “You have to forgive each other, as while we’re talking over here, it’s taken up MUCH more time than was needed for those cards to reach the ocean!” The cards were helpfully floating in the air over the cliff, thus being helpful. BUT THEN THEY FLOATED DOWNWARD!!

“Syrus,” Koala Ko Ala said, “I’m sorry for not forgiving you!”

“And I’m sorry too for being a jerk because of the script!!” Syrus cried!

“Let’s save that stuff because Bastion is too lazy to do it!”

“Right!!”

 

Koala Ko Ala grabbed Syrus and attached him to his back!GO-GO!!” Koala Ko Ala burst into the cool night sky!! Syrus held out his arms and they began flying around like a stealth bomber, silent but deadly! They flew down the side of the cliff, in hot pursuit.

“I can’t believe they fell for it,” Bastion chuckled. “The science of psychology is very great indeed…”

The cards were almost in the ocean. “We’ve gotta hurry, Sy!” Koala Ko Ala gasped!

“I’LL TRY BETTER!!” Syrus grunted, exerting even more energy! His arms released a steady stream of heart-energy, and their speed increased ten-fold!

“GRR…”

“AAAH…”

They got closer to the deck, and closer to the sea… closer… closer… cloooooseeeeeer…

 

The cards were finally absorbed by the surf and completely ruined. “WHAT A RIP-OFF!!” cried the duo, sinking into the ocean.

Meanwhile, Jaden was still with Barry the Beginner. “You can explain everything?” Jaden repeated. “What’s there to explain? You just stole a deck due to stupidity and heat ‘o ‘da moment, yo.”

“No, there’s MUCH more…” Barry the Beginner sighed sorrowfully. He took off his Yugi-like hair… and revealed Yugi’s hairstyle! He grew a few inches taller! And he did NOT look like a beginner anymore!! “I’m actually the real Yugi.”

“Oh.” Jaden stood there for a moment. “HUUUUUUUUUH?!?!”

“Yeah, I learned how to grow and shrink at will after that Atem/Yami fiasco, ha ha ha.”

“WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!” Jaden demanded! “WHY DID YOU STEAL YOUR OWN DECK?! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH A CRAPPY CARD THAT I HATE IN THIS SERIES FOR NO GOOD REASON?!”

“Well, I’m at this school for a secret mission,” Yugi began, wistfully and full of nostalgia. “I was sent into Duel Academy in order to study the new generation of duelists and make sure that they were using the real dueling spirit and not sucking like they just learned how to play. Sadly, it’s not working well. Also, my other friends from the first series are monitoring the world in their own ways, as well.” Jaden remembered the two Tristans in the Paradox Brothers two-parter. He also remembered Joey from the ‘Tumor Humor Association of America’ commercial we’ll never forget. He chose never to wonder how that helped study the duel prowess of the youth.

 

“Why were there two Tristans in that one episode, if you know what I mean?”

“We never even KNEW there were TWO before.”

“Oh, okay. Then why do you act like such a loser, yourself—”

“I really got into the duel-personality thing, ever since that old Atem/Yami fiasco.”

“Heh, you said ‘duel’, as in card games! Awesome!” Jaden hit him with Winged Kuriboh. “Now what about the card?”

“Oh, it’s just ‘ta screw with ‘ya.”

“That’s okay, then. And why did you steal your own deck?” Jaden asked, once more.

“I was just pissed off about when my grandpa stole my deck and sold it to Kaiba to tour around the world, bless his soul. I don’t really like him anymore.”

“Okay, so thanks for answering my questions.” Jaden and Yugi shook on it!

“You’re quite welcome, Jaden.” Yugi fixed his wig and size. “Let’s go before they start asking about what we’re doing sitting around in this smoke that won’t go away.”

“Good idea.” They walked out of the smoke.

“What were you doing in that smoke?” Bastion asked.

“I asked Yugi some questions,” Jaden said.

“Oh… WHA?!” The two guys left before Bastion could attempt to figure it out. “I must go find Yugi in that smoke myself!” Bastion decided! He rushed into the huge smoke cloud, helping to further the spread of lung cancer in today’s youth.

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

Bastion was coughing violently for an entire school day, and the rest of the school was generally excited to see the YUGIHALLOFYUGIDECK!! They were all bunched up outside of the door, and the guards were having trouble holding them off! “Hey, all of you, step away from the door for a minute!” a guard asked. The guards were all quickly shot and killed, and the children broke through the doors!

“YEAH! WE’RE GONNA SEE YUGI’S DECK!!” a kid shouted! And all they saw was a broken display case, surrounded with shards of glass. Inside said case was a trading card deck, soggy and dripping wet, and on top of the deck was an Ancient Gear Golem card.

… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! they all wondered, disgusted.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 20: The Maiden in Love]Note: This episode is disgusting, degrading and stupid. Do NOT read this unless you are prepared to vomit, are a very sick human being, or are incredibly bored. Reader digression is advised!

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 20: The Maiden in Love

 

So, it was six o’ clock, the universal dinner time hour, and everybody in the Slifer Toolshed was chowin’ down on some bargain food! “I wish this food had real substance to it!” a kid complained. “This dorm is so poor! It’s like child abuse or something here!”

“They actually gave ME garbage!” Jaden said, holding up some inedible glop on his paper plate. “It LOOKS bad, but I wonder if it’s actually GOOD garbage, and they’re just tryin’ to test me!”

“Oh boy, your happy-go-lucky side is back…” Syrus syed.

“Students, stop eating your crap and listen up!” Professor Banner ordered, appearing out of nowhere.

“Like I’d LIKE to eat this!” a kid growled. “I mean, you LITERALLY gave me CRAP.” He held up his dish, holding a full baby diaper on it.

“It’s not my fault Obelisk Blue absorbs all of our funds. Get over it or get better cards, losers.”

“MEOW,” agreed Garfield the cat, who was named after Garfield the Cat™.

“Now, we have a new student transferring into the school today, and—Koala Ko Ala! Stop chewing with your mouth open!! Now, as I was saying, his name is Blair.” A small kid wearing a big, dumb, puffy hat walked next to Banner, and she was obviously a little girl. “Blair says that he is, in fact, ‘not a girl’. Also, if he does feminine things, ignore him, because he has a condition.”

“Hmm…” Blair glanced at Jaden, who was scooping some of his disgusting glop into his mouth. Her heart skipped a beat! He’s… eating garbage… and this feeling…

 

“It tastes bad, though!”

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT IT, JADEN!!”

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

It was morning at the academy, and the usual guitar sounds made us feel better after watching Jaden eat that stuff. And there was an assembly, to boot! Every available student was lined up according to rank and such, as usual, in front of a video screen featuring Shepherd’s massive face. “Alright, students, now I’m about to tell you that—Koala Ko Ala! Stop chewing with your mouth open! Okay, now that THAT’S over with, I’m here to inform you all that we’re having our big School Duel against our BIIIG rivals, North Academy!”

“Rhyme Time is Sublime!”

“Thank you, Rhyming Ryan, even if rhyming is very annoying the way you do it. So, we’re going to have to find a first-year representative of the school in order to duel a random kid THEY pick out! What an idea! And so we’re having our two most popular students at this academy DUEL it out to find out who WHUPS them North Academy bumpkins! So, we’re going to have a short sequence where our two brightest stars are picked out from the crowd! And you can ONLY participate if you have an ACTUAL NAME.”

“Aw, come on!” groaned several dudes and dudettes, as they left the assembly hall.

 

“Yo! I have followers!” Jaden announced! Syrus and Koala Ko Ala clapped for him.

“Okay, two people like Jaden,” Shepherd noted, writing it down on a notepad. “Is anybody else liked at this school, or do you all suck?”

Alexis raised her hand. “Me—”

BASTION ROKKX MAH SOKKX!!” roared Piggybank, Fluffy Fred and Baseball Bob, holding up Bastion as he was dressed up in a white headband, white unbuttoned shirt, chest bandages, white pants, and white-ish shoes, brandishing a wooden sword! The words ‘FIGHT! KILL! LOVE!’ were written on the headband with blood in Japanese characters.

“Yes, I do rock socks!” Bastion assured! A giant wave crashed behind him for dramatic effect!

“Okay, and Bastion, who ‘rocks socks’. Got it. Well, bye and all that.” The screen blinked off and the students walked around in random directions. Jaden approached the dejected Alexis.

“Hey, Alexis, I didn’t know you were a first-year!” Jaden said! “You’re too well-developed for that!”

“Actually,” Alexis told, “I was held-back last year.”

“Whaaaaat?”

“I didn’t do my schoolwork because I didn’t really know how to play card games, I just really liked Zane,” Alexis revealed!

“What took a year to understand about it?”

“I don’t know, but every year there are a few people like me that I have to eliminate, if you catch my meaning.” Alexis’ eyes flashed for a moment.

“Oh, you kill’m?”

“No, I just tie them up and put them on a raft. So if you find any girls at this school who can’t duel, just let me know.”

“Okay.”

“Well bye.”

“Bye.” They walked in separate directions. Then Jaden walked up to Blair. “Do you know how to duel?”

“No,” she answered with her girlish voice.

“Oh. Are you sure you’re not a girl?”

“Ahh! No!” she shrieked in her feminine voice.

“Oh, well that’s good.” Jaden walked away, leaving Blair to feel confused.

“Delinquents have such stupid fashion sense,” Bastion complained, trying to cover his cold belly in the background.

“No, Bastion, it’s all the rage!” Piggybank assured! “Plus I get to see your stomach!”

“Okay…” She scares me, Bastion shivered.

 

LIL’! BIT!! LATER!!!

Jaden and his buddies were walking past the stone pillars of the Duel Academy front lawn. “And that’s why Alexis has such a confusing body for what we THOUGHT was a fourteen year-old!” Jaden finished.

“I thought that the artists drew every girl like that and were thoroughly disgusting, and causing everybody to watch this bad show indecent,” Syrus thought.

“So everybody loves Zane? Unless they’re male?” Koala Ko Ala asked, double-checking. “How stereotypical! Just because of his immense dueling skill, steely gaze, great figure, hard, manly abs… I’m scaring myself. I’ll just be quiet.”

“Good idea.” Suddenly, a small, non-boy ran across the field ahead! “Oh ship, that’s Blair the Non-Boy!” Jaden screamed! “I must chase her!”

“Good luck,” Syrus said, as Jaden ran off.

“…I still feel uncomfortable,” sighed Koala Ko Ala.

“It’s okay, everybody’s like that with Zane for a little while in their lives, even me,” Syrus said.

“Thanks. You make me feel like a man again, Sy.”

 

Meanwhile, across the freakin’ island and a few minutes later, Jaden had successfully trailed Blair all the way to the Obelisk Mansion. She had just climbed up a tree and onto a veranda! Hmm, Jaden thought, that non-boy’s gonna get in trouble if non-he’s found in the mansion! I’d better bring non-him to non-his senses! Not a boy! Jaden followed stealthily up the tree and walked through the big window-door that brought them from the veranda into… Zane Truesdale’s room! Aw, man! This non-guy’s in love with Zane! I’d better tell Alexis, even if non-he’s a non-boy! But he stopped as Blair took out Zane’s deck box from his dresser drawer, near his cool bed! She opened it up and took out a few cards. Yo, don’t tell me non-he’s…

“Now to do indecent things with these cards~” Blair said, blissfully.

AW, YO!! Jaden disgustedly thought! But he heard something! He peeked back out onto the veranda and saw none other than Zane Truesdale and his random entourage of three Obelisk Blue people approaching fast, who will never be seen again in the entire series!!

“Hey, wanna chill up in ‘yer room, Zane?” asked Random Blue Guy A.

 

“Yo, you gotta get outta here, yo!” Jaden gulped, surprising Blair!

“Y-you were in here, too?” Blair gasped!

“Yeah, and I even heard you say you were gonna do indecent things with those cards, but that’s not the point! We’d better jet, you horny bastard!” Jaden grabbed her by the wrist and puller her away forcefully, hard enough to make her drop the cards, her hat, and a fancy hair clip, making her long, indigo hair (it’s anime, deal with it) flutter out into the world!

“H-h-hey!!” Blair growled! Jaden was flabbergasted.

“HOLYSHITSHE’SAGIRL!”

 

Blair grabbed her dumb-looking hat and cool hair clip and dashed outside, leaping off the tree! “Hey, shouldn’t I be leaving too?” Jaden wondered. Then the door opened. “Hey, Zane, this Slifer Slacker’s up in your room!” Random Blue Guy C shouted! “Let’s murdalize ‘em!”

“Eh, ah, um, don’t hurt me!” Jaden cried!

“Or what?” challenged Random Blue Guy B.

“OR THIS!” Jaden flew forward and punched Random Blue Guy B with enough force to destroy the entire mansion! Random Blue Guy B simply caught the incoming fist with his hand, smoking now due to the impact, but unhurt.

“Fool, everybody in this story is allowed to break character and become a super-human!” Random Blue Guy B chortled!

“Damn…” gritted Jaden.

“And now, we’re takin’ you to Ms. Crowler!!” Random Blue Guy A chuckled!

“Noooooo, not that freaky man-lady! Anything but heeeeeer!!” And as Jaden was being pulled off by the terrible trio, Zane looked at his feet and noticed the cool hairclip among his fallen cards.

“Let’m go,” Zane commanded.

“Wha?!” gasped the three random blue people!

“Really?” Jaden asked, elated suddenly!

“Would you like to leave, Jaden?” Zane asked. “Or would you rather I reconsider?”

“Uh, okay.” Jaden ran away and jumped through the glass door window, sending glass fragments everywhere.

“Ow!” cried Blair from inside a bush, being coated with the sharp stuff! “That’s it, you’re dead…” she decided, menacingly femininely!

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

Alexis and Zane were… on the docks! Uh… yeah! “Why’re we on the docks, Zane?” Alexis asked.

“Lex, I caught Jaden snooping in my room today,” Zane said.

“Jaden? I did NOT know he was gay, I swear.”

“Maybe, but he left this.” Zane took out the cool hair-thingie he’d found earlier!

“OH… MY… FLABBER-NUGGETS.” Alexis was filled with THE RAGE OF A BEAST!! “JADEN’S A GIRL WHO CAME TO THE SCHOOL JUST TO GET CLOSE TO YOU?! JEALOUSY… JEALOUSY! JEALOUSYYYYYYY!!

 

Meanwhile, Syrus walked into the Jaden-room at the Slifer Toolshed, wiping off his head. “Okay Jaden, outhouse’s all yours,” Syrus said. “Note to self: use the SINK for washing hair…”

“[/i]I’m not forgiving you for this,[/i]” Syrus’s hair growled.

“No, Jaden’s not here,” Koala Ko Ala said, pooping out from the top bunk as usual. “He hasn’t been here all day, or that Blair guy who’s obviously a girl. Hey, why’d you ask Jaden when he hasn’t been here all day, while I’m almost ALWAYS up here?”

“I dunno, he’s the main character, I guess… HUBBA-WHA?! JADEN and that GIRL who PRETENDS to be a BOY haven’t been here ALL DAY?!” Syrus and Koala Ko Ala looked at each other. “You know what I’M thinking?” Syrus asked suggestively.

“Boy, do I!”

“SUPER SEXY HIGH SCHOOL HIJINKS!!”

“BACON AND CHEESE MCSAMMICHMEALS!!”

“No way, Koala Ko Ala!” Syrus reprimanded. “Didn’t Bastion say a while ago that the Sammiches were a one-episode plot device?”

“But they tasted so good… okay, let’s go SPY on ‘em!”

“Yeah!”

 

And so, by the cliff by the ocean…

Jaden and Blair were standing there, for some reason. “So, why’d you find me hours after those crazy hijinks and then drag me out by this raging coastline, yo?” Jaden asked.

“So I could tell you not to tell people I’m a girl,” Blair said.

“YOU’RE A GIRL?!”

“YOU ALREADY SCREAMED OVER THE REVELATION THIS AFTERNOON, IDIOT!!”

“Oh yeah… but tell me why you’re disguising so unconvincingly to stalk a tall kid with super sexy abs?” Jaden requested.

“Because… it’s a secret!!” stressed Blair.

“I’ll tell if you don’t let me know! I swear it, yo!”

“You wouldn’t dare!!”

“YOOOO!!” Jaden shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth for maximum impact! “BLAIR’S A GIRL!!”

“We know already, idiot!”

“Shut up!”

“OKAY, okay!” Blair cried! “I’ll tell you. It’s because—”

 

WE DON’T CAAAAARE!!” interrupted Alexis, swinging in on a jungle vine! She let go and flew into Jaden’s face with a megaton double-death kick, allowing the vine to swing off-screen forever.

“WAAAAGH! WHAT’RE YOU DOIN’, FOO’?!” Jaden begged!

“HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL ZANE FROM ME, YOU WEIRDO!!” Alexis grabbed Jaden by the scruff of his neck and began pounding his face in.

“OW! No, OW! Actually, OW! Blair’s, OW! The one, OW! Who’s, OW! Stalking Zane around the campus by disguising as a girl, OW! Yo. OW!” Alexis stopped punching him. She turned and faced Blair. Blair almost wet herself with terror from the look she got from her. “Uh, at least I don’t have to duel this episode, yo!”

“Oh no, you do!”

“Why meeee?!”

Alexis grabbed Jaden by the cranium and groaned, “For making me confused by not coming to me earlier about this little girl who can’t play card games, and yet stalks Zane, YOU shall duel her in my place. GOT THAT?”

“I learned how to play a few minutes ago,” Blair helpfully told, holing up her Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game rule book.

“You shut up!”

 

Suddenly and without warning, Syrus and Koala Ko Ala rolled slowly down the big cliff behind them and collapsed upon the rocks in a heap. “Aw man, the camera’s busted!” Koala Ko Ala sniffed.

“How’re we gonna take suggestive photos of Jaden and that non-boy Blair kissing passionately and sell them for 200% profit NOW? Oh, hi Jaden,” Syrus greeted. The trio around them stared at them with the RAGE OF A BEAST!! For extra emphasis, you may imagine flames behind them. Two seconds later, Syrus and Koala Ko Ala were inside of a cramped giant birdcage, suspended by chains attached to who-knows-where off the top of the screen.

 

“How does THIS setup work?” Syrus asked, teary-eyed. “And why is Alexis always the most normal person around here unless Sammiches or my bro’s involved?”

“That’s not it, Syrus,” said a cool-voice guy off-screen, “because Blair isn’t really a guy, she’s a girl.” It was Zane, of course.

“WE KNOW,” everybody said, even Chazz.

“The Obelisk security cameras showed her in our dorm,” Zane added.

“WE KNOW,” everybody said, even Cocoa Titan.

 

“DUEL!!” Jaden and Blair suddenly shouted! (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, The Non-Boy: 4000 Life Points)

“Alright, get ready!” Blair warned, drawing a card. She glanced at Alexis, who was holding rope and a poorly-made raft. Scaaaary… “Er, I summon Lub-Dub Girl!” A shojou-esque backdrop filled the world as a petite girl that was apparently supposed to be cute appeared, with INTENSE long brown hair, and an EXTREME yellow dress!! (Lub-Dub Girl: 400 Attack Points)

“WH-WH-WHA-WHAAAAAAT’S UP WITH THE BACKGROOOOUND?!?!” Syrus panicked, as a sparkly bubble floated a bit too close to the cage for comfort.

“Don’t question it, you’ll just get more confused!” Koala Ko Ala warned!

 

“Because I don’t feel ‘da need to check if your gal has any special abilities, I summon Avian!” Jaden said, confidently!

“NO, JADEN, DON’T!!” But it was too late.

“Huah!” Avian grunted, flying onto the field! (Avian: 1000 Attack Points) “I’m back, baby!”

Koala Ko Ala smacked himself in the face. “Jaden’s doomed…”

“Why, would I be doomed, dude?”Jaden obliviously asked. “Avian, attack!”

“OH-YEAH!!” Avian grunted, shooting out a big gust of wind from his wings! It hit the Lub-Dub Girl, but apparently caused intense distress and caused her to fall to the ground, helplessly.

“Oh, ugh! Ahh!” she delicately screamed!

“Ow, I should’ve summoned her in Defense Mode! I wish I’d learned how to play earlier!” Blair grunted, making excuses for why she sucks. (Blair: 3600 Life Points) “NAAAHT!!” She retorted!

“Huh, she said ‘naaht’. That’s a funny way to say ‘not’, heh heh WHAT?!” Jaden gasped!

“When my Lub-Dub Girl is attacked in Attack Mode, her ability that you never asked about activates! SHE LIVES FOR LOVE!!” The shojou background was turned up to full force!

 

“OOH,” said Winged Kuriboh, appearing suddenly.

“Oh great, it’s you,” Jaden sighed. “What’s up now?” Winged Kuriboh pointed out into the fray. Avian had come to Lub-Dub Girl and tried to help her up!

“Are you okay?” Avian asked gentlemanly!

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone. Suddenly Avian’s heart went ‘lub-dub’, and he was hooked!!

“AVIAN, WHAT’CHA DOIN’?!” Jaden flabbergastedly shockedly screamed!

“I’m sorry,” Avian said, as a nose-bleed began, “but I’m a lolicon.”

“DAMN you and your NON-MANLY monsters, Blair! I bet your Lubby-Dubby Thing isn’t even a virgin anymore, ‘living for love’!”

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone.

 

“Maybe she’s not, but when she’s attacked, your monsters feel the TRUE meaning of the term ‘lub-dub’! And now I activate the card Cupid’s Kiss and attack with Lub-Dub Fury!!” Blair’s new Spell card summoned a petite angel kid who flew up to Lub-Dub Girl and kissed her on the cheek. And then she turned her attention to Avian. A field of flowers bloomed in front of her instantly! She began running to him in slow-motion!

“Hey, you wanna do things behind the scenes that I’m not allowed to talk about on TV?” Avian asked.

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone.

“Avi-AAAAHN, DAMN you’re nasty!!” Jaden groaned! “You just crossed the line TWICE, no, THREE TIMES!!”

“As IF the original didn’t have the same pedophilic connotations!!” Avian raged, as he hit Jaden with a massive whirlwind in retribution! (Jaden: 3000 Life Points, The Non-Boy: 2800 Life Points)

“They’re ACTUALY keeping that name on the score counter?!” Blair gasped! “Anyways, now that I equipped my Lub-Dub Girl with Cupid’s Kiss, any monster she attacks becomes MINE!” She folded her arms and released an air of confidence about herself! “Looks like YOU’RE screwed, YO!” As Blair had just stolen Avian, which we could all see coming, she had but one thing left to do. “I’ll set a card and end my turn,” she decided, setting her Spell/Trap card.

“You know, if you didn’t summon Avian, maybe, perhaps Clayman, this wouldn’t have happened…?” supposed Koala Ko Ala.

“You’re getting good at this,” Syrus complimented.

“Shut up, yos! Avian is NOT bad luck! Syrus’ HAIRSTYLE is BAD NEWS, yo!” Jaden countered! Syrus’ hair sniffed and cried a single tear.

“You’re so mean, Jay…”

“GET ON WITH IT,” Alexis pressured, standing next to Zane now, who decided not to say anything, AS USUAL.

 

“Hmm, Avian’s fallen in love, and I’m fallin’ behind!” Jaden gulped.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Okay, he’s going into a ‘phase’, then.” The ‘BOO’ guy was apparently satisfied. “I know! Summoning another monster will help! It ALWAYS helps! I summon Elemental Hero Sparkman!” Unleashing untold volts of voltage, Sparkman was on ‘da case! (Sparkman: 1600 Attack Points) “Now, KILL Avian!”

“Whaaaaat?!” Avian gasped, losin’ his cool! “Why me?!”

“Don’t worry, I actually PROTECT MY Avians! And I only have one!” Blair shouted! “I use my Trap Card! Barrier Maiden!” Her Trap featured an overly-busty knight lady (have you come to expect anything less from Kazuki Takahashi’s products?) holding a massive red shield! Lub-Dub Girl leaped in front of Avian and absorbed a massive electrical shock!

“Gasp! Little girl of the Lub-Dubbers!!” Avian gasped!

“Avian’s okay now, and someone else’s feelin’ the lub-dub tonight!” Blair said, excitedly! (Blair: 1600 Life Points)

“Still, a deck based around having your monster get hit several times for massive damage really sucks,” Syrus noted.

“I said I just learned how to play, shut up!”

 

And so, Avian tried his best to support his fair maiden, who was underage! “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Are you okay?!”

“Ugh… maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone, with signs of pain.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Sparkman, you really, really suck! You know that?” This apparently gave Sparkman the power of lub-dub within his heart and soul. He walked over to Avian. “Dude, she’s mine,” Avian defended. But Sparkman was staring at Avian.

“I’m royally disturbed,” Alexis said, feeling quite ill from all the trials and tribulations that had just arisen.

“Ditto,” agreed Syrus.

“He just threw up in the cage!” Koala Ko Ala screamed!

Zane said nothing.

“I’m too young for this!” Blair screamed! “WHY did I have to ask my older brother for some cards?!”

“Now you KNOW all older brothers are evil perverts!” Jaden shouted, pointing to Zane! “WHY would you ask an OLDER BROTHER for CARDS?!”

“My older brother’s Kaiba!”

 

Meanwhile, somewhere Kaiba chuckled. Serves her right for embezzling all those funds under my name…

“YOU NEVER TOLD ME I HAD A LITTLE SISTER!!” Mokuba screamed, scared and vulnerable.

 

“Crap, she just killed all sorts of continuity,” Syrus groaned, “and it was all thanks to the author being stuck for ideas!”

“You suck, Weather Report!” Jaden insulted me.

“Try and remember who you’re talking to,” Zane suddenly said, reciting lines from the show. “When Sy and I were growing up, he claimed to be going steady with Dark Magician Girl.”

“Uh, what does that have to do with that insult?” Syrus asked, stuck for ideas.

“YEAH, ZANE! MAKE SENSE MORE!!” everybody said, including Mann McOldsmobile.

That was close, Syrus Sy-ed. “But little brothers are evil perverts, too!” Jaden added.

“Oh dammit, Jaden!” Syrus cried!

“Well I activate the Equip Spell card: Happy Marriage!” Blair announced! Ringing wedding bells appeared onto the field! “Now my Lub-Dub Girl gains Attack Points equal to Avian’s!” Lub-Dub Girl was suddenly in a wedding dress!

“Wanna get hitched?” Avian suggested.

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone, gaining Attack Points. (Lub-Dub Girl: 1400 Attack Points)

“Yayz!” And that was how Avian got married to an eight year-old.

“This is the worst episode EVAR!!” Jaden cried in shock!

 

“Now, attack Sparkman!” Blair commanded! Lub-Dub Girl ran over to Sparkman and tripped. (The Non-Boy: 1400 Life Points) Sparkman casually walked up to Avian.

Wanna marry me?

“Uh, sorry, I don’t roll that way,” Avian said. Sparkman turned to Lub-Dub Girl.

… Wanna get married too?

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone.

Okay. Sparkman and Avian Superstar Saga tag-teamed in an attack at Jaden’s Life Points!

“AAAAH, THAT’S ILLEGAL AND IMMORAL AND YOU SHOULD DIE FOR BOTH MARRYING AN EIGHT YEAR-OOOOOLD!!” Jaden screamed! (Jaden: 400 Life Points)

“You can’t beat me, Jaden,” Blair said, activating her second transformation by taking off her hat and releasing her hair into the breeze, “’cause I’m dueling for LOVE!!”

“Did she say ‘dueling for love’?” Zane asked. “Does she mean dueling with love?”

“You’re an idiot, but at least you’re MY idiot,” Alexis sighed.

Zane’s expression hardened!!

 

“OOH,” coaxed Winged Kuriboh, attempting to help Jaden rise up from the ground!

“Shut UP! I KNOW I shouldn’t have played two guys against Lub Dub Girl! Leave me alone, jerk!” Jaden drew his next card: Polymerization! “Aww, yeah, boyos! I’m TOTALLY gonna MOP ‘DA FLOO’ WIT’ ‘CHOO NOW!! I summon Elemental Hero Burstinatrix!” And in a flash of flame, Burstinatrix came onto the field! (Burstinatrix: 1200 Attack Points)

“HEY!!” Burstinatrix shouted!

“GASP! Burstinatrix!” Avian gasped!

Burstinatrix! Sparkman thought!

“Get away from MY girl!!” Burstinatrix raged!

“Oh crap, she’s gonna kill us!” Avian cried! “What will we tell your wife?!”

This never happened, worried Sparkman.

“Uh, I did NOT know before this that Sparkman is gay, Avian was a lolicon, and Burstinatrix was a gay lolicon. Ugh, my deck’s disgustin’. Let’s just get this thing over with. I use Burst Return to bring mah boyos back into my hand, yo.” Jaden slapped a Spell card down in lackluster fashion which featured Burstinatrix standing in front of a massive explosion, a la awesome movie fashion. Burstinatrix simply stared at Lub Dub Girl with maliciously confusing intent. Burstinatrix held out a whip.

“Uh, I’m getting outta here,” Avian decided, “AND I’m going to counseling over this. Ugh, most humiliating night of my life…”

Yeah, I’m goin’ wherever HE’S goin’, Sparkman stated. The two floated back into Jaden’s hand, wimpily.

“Now, Burstinatrix, I fuse you and Avian together!” Jaden said! Burstinatrix looked at Jaden sadly, and then complied.

“Is it okay if I kill you and meet you later tonight?” Burstinatrix asked.

“…Maybe,” Lub-Dub Girl responded, in a tsundere-tone.

“Okay!!” Bustinatrix fused in the normal manner to create Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!! (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points)

“Now, kill that defenseless little girl with Flame Dragonarm!!” Jaden commanded in a harsh manner! Flame Wingman held out his supah-coo’ arm and thought, with both halves, I’m sorry…. They shot Lub Dub Girl with intense heat, thereby winning the game, and allowing that shojou background you’ve all forgotten about to fade away!

“Crap I loooooooost!!” (The Non-Boy: 0 Life Points, Game Over) “And what’s worse,” worried Blair, “is that now I have to get forcefully sent adrift at sea by a psychotic lady though I’m coming back in the next season or so!!”

“I’M USUALLY NOT PSYCHOTIC!!” Alexis roared! “Now, Jaden, tie her up!” She tossed Jaden the ropes and raft she held up earlier, causing part of the poorly-constructed boat to break off.

“Yo, that’s harsh yo!” Jaden cried! “You REALLY don’t have to kill little girls like that!”

“Yes, yes I do,” Alexis said cheerfully, hugging Zane’s arm. “Plus, I’ve had no evidence of the girls from the past actually dying, so we don’t really know~”

 

MEANWHILE, IN THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE…

Several random girls in Duel Academy garb were sitting on a group of rafts, with their arms wrapped behind their backs. “I’m hungry,” one said.

“Me too,” another agreed.

 

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH—SCHOOL, I MEAN…

“Wait, guys!” Syrus urged!

“What is it?” Alexis inquired, turning to Syrus with a sadistic look that would make small kittens explode from sheer terror.

Okay, I officially DON’T have the crush from episodes two and three on her anymooooore!! “Eh,” Syrus struggled to begin, adjusting his glasses in a smart kid manner, “I just checked a future script! From the future! It says that she really IS coming back at the end of the second season! To lose a duel! And also, she’s supposed to be EIGHT years old in this version!”

“WHAT?!” gasped everyone.

“Hmm,” Zane ‘hmm’ed.

“Oh, Zane,” Blair sighed, “I guess you know now that I came to the school in disguise as an eighteen year-old boy who snuck into your room instead of Jaden and left a hair ornament and I fell in love with you the first time I met you huuuuuh?”

“Right, at nationals,” Zane remembered.

“No, not really.”

 

Two years ago, Blair had stumbled into the nearby Convenience Mart™ to get some gum. SPEARMINT gum, to be exact. She walked over to the gum area and accidentally bumped into Zane Truesdale, who was wearing a ‘three wolf moon’ black t-shirt, khaki shorts, and an Ash Ketchum baseball cap! He was sipping some sort of root beer slushy. “Ahh!” she whimpered, falling to the floor.

Zane crouched down to her level and placed his hand on her head, saying, “If you train really really hard, you can get into Duel Academy.” Then he walked out of the Convenience Mart™.

“Hey, that kid didn’t pay for his drink!” a guy shouted! “No… wait.” He stared at Blair. “It was just a trick o’ the ol’ eyes! He was actually a LITTLE GIRL!!”

“What?!” Blair looked at her hands. She was holding the slushy now! “Uh, it wasn’t me!”

“Save it, chick. If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime.” Suddenly she was in miniature handcuffs and was taken away by police officers!

…I LOVE bad boys, Blair blushed.

 

“And after I spent my two years in jail for YOUR crime, I came after you! Like a stalker! Aren’t I cute?” Blair added a little wink.

“Blair, I’m flattered by your sentiment,” Zane said courteously, “I’m only in love with one thing right now: dueling.” Alexis shot him a glance. “I’m sorry, but it’s time for you to go home.”

“‘Go home’? So she’s NOT being tied up and placed in a raft to float adrift until she starves or something?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“No, of COURSE not, silly,” Alexis declined, “you heard what Syrus said. She’s plot-relevant. I wouldn’t tie her up and set her on a raft adrift, would I?”

 

Two minutes later, Blair was simply pushed off on the crappy raft. “G’bye guys!” she bid.

“YOU MEAN YOU’RE STILL DOING THIS?!”Syrus and Koala Ko Ala screeched!

“Come on, I didn’t tie her up this time!”

“Yo! See ya!” Jaden yelled! “You’re gonna be more useful when you come back, I know it!”

“I love you, Zane and Jaden!”

“Take care!”

“Bye!” Suddenly Blair’s raft sprung a leak. “See ya next season, my loves!”

“But her boat sprang a leak…” Syrus whimpered. “She’s not gonna make it, will she? Also, am I the only one worried that we just crossed the line maybe SIX times this episode?”

 

“… Shut up, Syrus.”

 

 

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Alas, this is the episode in which Koala Ko Ala gets written off for good. But you won't miss him, right? Or... remember him...?

 

[spoiler=Episode 51: Magna Chum Laude]Jaden and pals were watching TV. What they were watching happened to be a very eventful commercial. Kabuto and Orochimaru of Naruto fame were sitting on a sofa, listening to some tunes on their stereo.

they sang. “Ka-buto Steak Sauce yeah, drink your Ka-bu-to!” They took out their bottles of Kabuto Steak Sauce, featuring his face on it. “Drin-kin’ mah Ka-bu-to, drin-kin’ Ka-bu-to through all the day an’ all of every niiight!” Just then, Tengu Man burst through the wall with his OWN bottle!

“’Ey childrens!” he shouted! “Don’t YOU wanna have yo’ own Kabuto Steak Sauce, too? Come on, it’s got his face on it! You know you want it more than that EVA-01 swill! All you gots to do is go to ‘da store, an’—”

He was interrupted when Rei Ayanami, Kensuke Aida and Pen-Pen the penguin burst through the OPPOSITE wall! “What the f*** do you think you’re doin’ dumb-a** punks?” Rei said, posing.

“We’re just tryin’ to sell our steak sauce,” Kabuto said, “don’t be like that.”

“Yeah, who said you can take over the entire steak sauce market?” Orochimaru added.

 

“Well who told YOU to INSULT OUR PRODUCT?!” Kensuke roared!

“WARK!!” Pen-Pen shrieked!

“I’ve had enough of this,” Tengu Man said, taking out two large green shuriken. “TORNADO HOLD!!” He threw them onto the ground, and they began spinning around and making tornadoes!

“Ugh!” Rei and Kensuke grunted, shielding their eyes.

“S***!” Rei then cursed!

“HERE YOU GO!!” Tengu Man cried, flying at them, pointy nose first!

Allen Walker announced, breaking through the door with a cool coat and a giant sword! He cut Tengu Man in half.

“Woah?! TV’s Allen Walker?!” Orochimaru gasped! “Who starred in such classic quality television as Big House and Saved by the Big House. Why’re YOU here?!”

“We heard you were dissin’ our favorite steak sauce,” he said, as the rest of his Big House posse walked in.

“We’re takin’ you out, Kabuto Steak Sauce!!” Krory yelled, smashing a bottle of EVA-01 Steak Sauce all over Orochimaru’s head!

“AUGH, MY HEAD!! THAT’S IT!!” He pressed a button on a remote control. “COME ON OUT, GUYS!!” Sasuke Uchiha, Karin, Suigetsu and Jugo burst through the floor!

“You called?” Sasuke asked.

“I’m really useless here, though,” Karin admitted.

“SHADDAP!!” Lavi cried, smashing her over the head with his hammer! She was DEAD!

 

“We still need more reinforcements!” Kabuto realized! “He’s got a big hammer!”

“I got it!” Orochimaru put his hands on the ground and summoned a GIANT PURPLE SNAKE who burst through the last remaining wall!

“YOU CALLED?” he asked.

“No.”

“Aw, snap, s*** just got real up in here,” Rei smirked. She pulled out a cell phone. “Awright, come on in, b****’s ready to go down.” EVA-01 burst through the roof, along with EVAs 00 and 02!

“’Kay guys, we ready,” said Shinji Ikari from inside his purple cyborg.

“WE’RE NOT GOIN’ OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT!!” Sasuke roared, becoming purple and demonic himself!

“BRING IT, A*******!!” Kensuke shouted!

“TO ARMS!!” Lenalee Lee announced!

“WARK!!” Pen-Pen shrieked, growing magnificent wings and arms made out of blades!!

 

The ensuing battle was too much to recount without your awesomeness nerves hemorrhaging. “Guys, why is my nose bleeding?” Koala Ko Ala asked, rubbing his large nose.

“That’s the first instance of Unbelievably Manly Awesome you’ve ever seen,” answered everybody else, weeping great tears of manliness.

“Damn, guys,” Mann McOldsmobile said, turning off the TV, “that was too much for me.”

“DAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOU!!” shrieked everybody else, beating him up over it.

 

The next day, Mann McOldsmobile woke up on the side of the road in a large forest, wrapped in a burlap sack.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 51: Magna Chum-Laude (Wha?!)

 

Jaden and Syrus were playing a card game in their room, with Mann McOldsmobile watching from the side. “Aw, snap, guys,” Jaden sighed, playing Clayman in Defense Mode, “I don’t think I’m ready for the END-OF-YEAR PROMOTION EXAMS because I gots some TEST ANXIETY!!”

“Who cares?” Syrus asked vindictively. “I summon Super Robot Drill Robot, then have Super Robot Drill Robot, Super Robot Helicopter Robot and Super Robot Police Car Robot attack you for game!”

“Aw, snap!” Mann McOldsmobile chuckled. “He got you!” (Jaden: 24 Life Points)

“SCREW THAT!!” Jaden yelled, flipping the table over! “I just SAID I gots some TEST ANXIETY!!”

“Hey man, you should chill out, like Koala up there,” Mann McOldsmobile offered, pointing to Koala Ko Ala in his bed, unmoving, covered in books and papers.

“Dude, what’s up with him?” Jaden asked. “He’s lookin’ a little TOO chill. Somebody go wiggle’m a bit.” Syrus climbed up the ladder. “He was up all night last night studying in order to get serious about graduating and working for Pegasus and Industrial Illusions so he could design his own cards.”

“Really?” Mann McOldsmobile asked. “Cool goal. But wasn’t he up all night the night BEFORE, too?”

“Yeah, and I saw him NOT sleepin’ the day before THAT,” Jaden recalled. “Hey Sy, you think he’s dead?”

“WHAT?!” Syrus cried! “That impossible! How could he have died in this room without us knowing?!”

“We DO ignore him a lot,” Jaden said, recalling all the times he’d ignored his good friend.

 

“I’m about to disprove you here and now,” Syrus decided, kicking Koala Ko Ala in the back. “Koala, are you okay?” He bent down and pushed all the books onto the floor. “I’ll check his pulse.” Syrus’ eyes widened. “HE’S FREAKING DEAD!!

“I knew it,” Mann McOldsmobile sadly stated.

“He had a good life, while it lasted,” Jaden reminisced.

“WHY AREN’T YOU PANICKING?!” Syrus ordered! “WE JUST LOST A CAST MEMBER!!”

“We all knew he’d be written off this time,” Jaden accepted. “I read the script beforehand.”

“BUT SHOULDN’T YOU CARE MORE?!” Syrus squealed!

“We’re sad, alright, but it’s not worth killing OURSELVES over,” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“Didn’t you guys CARE about him at all?” No answer, only blank stares. “You guys suck! He’s been living with you all for MONTHS.”

“… It’s just I don’t feel like crying,” Jaden said, “I’m pretty torn up ‘bout it, but on the INSIDE. Especially because of the twist ending.”

“You really read the script too? I LOVE that twist ending! I gotta check something.” Mann McOldsmobile inquired, pulling out his own copy. “Hey… it says here that you, Syrus, get pumped up about Koala’s death and decide to duel in his place in order to help him graduate through death. Interesting!”

“THAT’S IT!” Syrus decided! “I’M GOING TO DO WHAT YOU JUST SAID!! And I WON’T be needing YOU two jerkasses!” Syrus marched out the door. Then he walked back in. “Oh yeah, guys, it’s time for art class.”

 

TWO! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

The three surviving Reds were in class, directed by Garfield the cat, because Banner was dead again. “MEOW,” Garfield said, which prompted the students to take out their art supplies and pieces of paper.

“I miss that teacher,” Jaden said, wiping away a tear as he painted on his paper.

“But not Koala Ko Ala,” Syrus insinuated.

“Well, let’s forget all about that and paint for now, because nothin’ but duelin’s gonna honor that Koala Ko Ala!” Jaden said, putting the finishing touches on his picture. How do you like THIS?!” He flashed Syrus this picture:

ixh9gw.jpg

 

“His stats: five stars, 2400 Attack Points, 1200 Defense Points. Whenever he is sent away from the field, HE RETURNS WITH 200 MORE ATTACK POINTS!! He can’t be removed from play, and he shall forever become more and more powerful… he is truly pro.”

“That’s a HORRIBLE idea,” Syrus said. Syrus held up a picture of Optimus Prime. “Super Robot Fire Truck Robot. Beat that.”

“But sometimes he’s a REGULAR truck!”

“Not in THIS incarnation, he’s not!”

“HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND!!” Mann McOldsmobile said, jumping over!

“What?” Jaden asked.

“This!” Mann McOldsmobile held out a couple of koala magazines labeled ‘Sexy Koala’ and ‘Koala Honeys’. “I found them in Koala’s desk!

“Ew!”

“And this, too!” Mann McOldsmobile took out a bunch of papers. The top one had a picture that appeared to be a photograph of Ayers Rock in Australia, with some words on the bottom of the page.

“Woah! He’s into photography?!” Syrus gasped. “Who woulda thought?”

“No, it’s all paint,” Mann McOldsmobile said, smiling. “And read the bottom.”

“It says ‘Ayers Rock Sunrise,’” Jaden read, “‘Field Spell. When you activate this card, you may Special Summon one Beast-type monster from your Graveyard. As long as this card is active, all of your opponent’s monsters lose 200 Attack Points for each Beast, Plant and Winged-Beast monster in your Graveyard.’ Yo, that’s a card? He could REALLY draw stuff for card art!”

“I also found this!” Mann McOldsmobile took the top paper off of the stack and pulled out a second page, saying ‘GOAL: DESIGN MY OWN CARDS WITH PEGASUS!!’”

“We knew that though,” Jaden remembered.

“What else is there?” Syrus lifted the top few pages away. The rest of the papers were all images of koalas in sexual poses. “This kid had problems, I’ll tell you that.”

“Where do we go from here?” Jaden asked, flinging the papers away in disgust.

“EW!” cried a child behind them. “WHAT IS THIS?!”

“AAAAAAAAAARGH, I CAN’T UNSEE IT!!”

“Aww, koalas!”

“YOU’RE IGNORANT!”

 

“Well, I guess we ignore their pleas for help and figure out how to help Koala Ko Ala graduate through death,” Syrus decided.

Suddenly, the screen which had been masquerading as a simple wall behind Garfield lit up, with Crowler’s face all over it!

“EEEUUUUGH!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

“WHY?! WHYYYYY?!?!”

“The Chancellor requests Koala Ko Ala enters his office for a quick conference,” Crowler said, “and quit screaming before I decide to keep this screen on as I do my makeup.”

“WE’RE SORRY!!”

“SO SORRY!!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!”

“There’s our plan,” Syrus decided as the screen blinked off. “Let’s go in his place.”

“Sounds perfect,” Mann McOldsmobile reckoned.

“This is a really groovy thing you’re doin’, Sy!” congratulated Jaden.

“Aw, thanks, guys, though you still suck.”

 

ONE! MINUTE!! LATER!!

The trio was inside of Shepherd’s office, speaking with him personally. “Hello, boys,” Shepherd greeted. “Where’s that boy who looks like a Koala?”

“He’s dead, yo,” Jaden said.

“… Oooooh,” Shepherd moaned, “that’s not good.”

“Well, why?” Mann McOldsmobile asked. Syrus glared at him for a second before receiving a trading card from Shepherd. It had what seemed to be a photo of Ayers Rock.

“Sweet mamma jamma!” Jaden exclaimed!

“BOO,” someone said.

“His card got made REAL?! Swee-hee-heet!”

“Yes, he’d entered a card into Industrial Illusions for a contest,” Shepherd said.

“Why didn’t he tell us?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“He told me,” Syrus insisted. “You guys just didn’t listen to him. As usual.”

Why hello, all,” greeted PEGASUS HIMSELF on the TV on the wall through live video feed. “I was the one who chose Koala Ko Ala’s card himself, out of the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of admissions! Yes, many of them were terrible, but this one was one of the twenty-seven which DIDN’T seem to be made by a Kindergartener! And this one magnificent card was like a gift from angels themselves! I simply MUST tell the creator all of this in person!” he gushed with his girly grey hair and red suit. “So where is he?

“He’s dead,” Jaden said flatly.

… I see,” Pegasus understood. “And I was going to hire him for my corporation, too, because it seemed kinda nice to do for him. But if he’s dead…

 

“Wait, sir!” Syrus insisted!

Yes, small and timid one?

“Uh, um… can’t you honor this dead, fat boy and hire him for your company in name only? It was his… FONDEST wish to work for a guy l-like you, Mr. Pegasus.”

Well, I never COULD say no to a dead person,” Pegasus decided. “Alright! If your teachers can oblige it, I’ll accept the offer. But tell him he can’t expect to get paid anything. I’m not stupid.” The TV blinked out.

“Dammit, he caught onto my plan,” Jaden groaned. “Oh well. Honoring the dead, here we come!”

“And yet, I digress,” Crowler said, standing next to Shepherd!

“How DID you get there?!”

“That’s unimportant. I just feel like I can’t let a dead friend of YUCKY-boy over here graduate without passing his exams first.”

“But… he can’t pass his exams because he’s dead,” Syrus said.

“Precisely,” Crowler agreed. “So I can’t let his graduate like that, even if he’s dead. That’s no excuse, dammit!”

“You just REALLY love playin’ those pranks on me, don’cha, teach? Aheheheh,” Jaden chuckled, unsure of how mean s/he really was.

“Ms. Crowler, that’s horrible,” Syrus accused. “I bet you’d let him go if he WASN’T Jaden’s friend!”

“That’s no excuse, dammit.”

“Well, how about this?” Shepherd decided. “Somebody duel Dr. Crowler with Koala Ko Ala’s old deck, and if they win, his corpse gets transported to Industrial Illusions. Fair?”

“Fair… as long as it’s not Yucky-boy over there. He always wins,” Crowler said.

“Urgh, fine,” Shepherd accepted. “Truesdale, you’re dueling.” Zane slowly peeked out from behind Mann McOldsmobile. “Not you. Syrus.” Zane slowly hid back behind Mann McOldsmobile.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA—well, that WAS the plan all along,” Syrus reminded.

“Well then, I’ll see you all tomorrow in the Duel Dome, heh heh heh,” Crowler snickered. Does Crowler HAVE any redeeming factors? Syrus asked himself. “Anyways, I’m going to go out and send that check out to the Tumor Humor Association of America,” Crowler said, leaving, “I just can’t let those poor children sit there with tumors in their heads!”

“Well… she has a soft spot for cancer?” Mann McOldsmobile guessed. Shepherd shrugged.

Syrus yanked at his blue hair and started sweating. “HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!?!?”

“Good ol’ Missus Crowler!” Jaden chuckled.

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

Jaden and friends sat around in their beds, paranoid of falling asleep with a dead guy in the room. They turned on the TV to steady their nerves. “Soup made by a lady wearing a catskin~” sang the TV. Syrus felt uncomfortable. “I head to a neighborhood where all the old ladies have disappeared~” the show continued. I’m gonna be sick, Syrus decided. “Tarts made by a lady wearing a dogskin~” Syrus stood up in the darkness, having rolled out of his bed. “Two shovels were sold at the hardware store~ A hole as deep as a young man’s height~”

“SHUT THE HELL UP!!” Syrus screamed, punching the TV out the window!

“B-but…” Jaden whined.

“I’LL GET IT TOMORROW!” Syrus went back to bed and everybody fell asleep, since they didn’t feel like dealing with that kid more than they cared about zombies.

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

Syrus and Crowler were standing in the center of the Duel Dome. Several recurring characters were up in the bleachers, watching the duel action. “Woo,” cheered Chazz, Deep-Voice Dobbson and Billy Hills.

“You can do it,” cheered Alexis, Angry McArgue and Nancy Wut.

“Oh yeah,” cheered Bastion, Omega-Xis, Piggybank, Fluffy Fred and Baseball Bob.

“You gots all the support in the world, Sy,” Jaden said, waving Koala Ko Ala’s corpse around like a flag! “You can do it!”

“STOP WAVING HIM AROUND LIKE THAT!”

“Fine,” Mann McOldsmobile compromised, placing Koala Ko Ala on his head like a hat.

“Ew, a dead guy on your head!” Nancy Wut cried, slapping Koala Ko Ala away.

“Hey, where’s that free chocolate you promised me?” Chazz ordered.

“Just wait, man, you gotta pretend to cheer for Sy!” Jaden whispered. “THEN we’ll talk about it.”

“You’d best remember the goods, man,” Bastion grunted, cracking his knuckles.

“Ow!” his robotic wolf-head-hand cried in agony.

 

“Alright, boy,” Crowler spat, tightening its dueling deck-holding mechanical vest and cleaning the blood spatters off of its Duel Blade, “are you ready to lose?”

“N-no,” Syrus said, brushing away a bit of hair from his eyes, as he was NOT ready to lose! “I’m ready to WIN!”

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” cheered the captive audience!

Syrus and Crowler drew their opening hands. Their steely gazes met. They prepared for the duel of a dead boy’s life. And Koala Ko Ala’s cadaver hung in the balance…

“DUEL!!” (Syrus: 4000 Life Points, Crowler: 4000 Life Points) Okay, so all of Koala’s cards are crap, Syrus worried, staring back and forth at his hand repeatedly. I guess all I can do is set THIS one…

“Excuse me, Mr. Truesdale,” Crowler scoffed, “do you need some sort of invitation? Finish your turn already.”

“He don’t NEED no invite, son!” Jaden shouted!

“BOO,” someone said.

“I’ll just set one monster face-down,” Syrus decided. “It’s been too long since I’ve ever dueled on this show, right?”

“Yeah, since episode 12, I think!”

“No, he dueled at the START of this episode.”

“I reckon he MUST’VE dueled at least once on Duel Island, right?”

“Anyways, I just set my monster, and you can go now, ma’am,” Syrus said.

 

“Fine, thank you, because now I can activate Magnet Circle Level Two!” A Spell featuring a technological yet ancient summoning circle appeared near Crowler! “This Spell lets me Special Summon the monster Ancient Gear from my hand!” A tiny, stupid-looking robot thing made out of random things appeared. It then fell apart. (Ancient Gear: 100 Attack Points)

“This won’t end well,” Chazz foresaw.

“Why? What’s up?” Baseball Bob asked.

“You’ll see,” Chazz cryptically hinted.

“That hunk ‘o junk’s so useless!” Jaden mocked! “C’mon, teach, you can do better’n THAT!”

“I already am,” Crowler said. “I use its ability to Special Summon an additional copy from my hand!” A pile of screws and bolts fell onto the ground on a gear. (Ancient Gear: 100 Attack Points)

“That’s worse than the LAST one!” Fluffy Fred shouted! “You can do it, Syrus-kid!”

“Eh, thanks?”

“Sorry, but I’ll be sacrificing my two monsters in order to Tribute Summon the Ancient Gear Golem from my hand!” Crowler announced! The two piles of scrap metal exploded, calling out the massive signature monster of signature proportions!

“VREEEEEEEEEN” it emitted, as all of the gears in its body rotated and spun around. (Ancient Gear Golem: 3000 Attack Points)

“Awww snap,” Mann McOldsmobile complained. “That’s bad, right?”

“VERY bad,” Jaden agreed.

“Very VERY huh, bad, huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson added.

“Aw, who asked you?”

“I just wanted to be acknowledged, huh, Jaden, huh…”

“Fair.”

“Golem, smash,” Crowler ordered. The Ancient Gear Golem poked through the puny face-down monster with its pinky.

“Um, it was Death Koala,” Syus revealed (Death Koala: 1800 Defense Points), “and when he’s flipped face-up you lose 400 Life Points for each card in your hand.” (Crowler: 3200 Life Points)

 

“Wow, when’d Syrus learn to duel like that?” Piggybank asked. “It’s so exciting!

“Yeah, I mean he just did some minor damage!” Omega-Xis exclaimed.

“I’m quite frankly amazed!” Angry McArgue marveled.

“Aw come on now, you guys’re just being mean now!” Syrus complained! “I’m just trying to do him proud!” Syrus pointed to Koala Ko Ala, who had fallen on his chin apparently and become sprawled out on the floor. “Do you guys even care about him anymore?”

“He’s dead. Does it matter?”

“…” Syrus drew his next card. “I summon… eh, Eucalyptus Mole in Defense Mode?” An orange mole covered in eucalyptus leaves appeared, adjusting its hip shades. It swapped them out with star-shaped pink glasses. (Eucalyptus Mole: 1300 Defense Points) “That’s GOTTA be a mistake. Weren’t all the cards in his deck koalas?”

“Slip-up, maybe?” guessed Nancy Wut.

“I’ll set a card face-down and end my turn here, because Koala’s deck SUCKS,” Syrus pouted.

“WOOOOT!!” cheered the audience.

“YOU GOT’M ON ‘DA ROPES, KID!!” Bastion cried!

“Attack the blind mole,” Crowler ordered. The giant golem poked through the mole. (Syrus: 1100 Life Points)

“KID, YOU MAY WANT TO STOP SUCKING,” Piggybank yelled. Everybody gave her a harsh look. “I mean, DO BETTER!!”

“Well, look lady, I’m trying over here!” Syrus responded.

“WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, TWERP?!”

“AAAAAHH, I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY!” Syrus swallowed his fear and picked up his deck. “When Eucalyptus Mole dies, I can summon one Koala from my deck.” He took out Big Koala, the really big blue koala. (Big Koala: 2700 Attack Points)

“NOT BETTER ENOUGH!!” Piggybank raged.

“Meh, I’ll summon an Ancient Gear Soldier in Defense Mode,” Crowler decided for the heck of it. A robot soldier appeared and held his rifle-arm in a defensive position. (Ancient Gear Soldier: 1300 Defense Points)

 

Syrus drew a card. He smiled. “Eat your heart out, Piggybank!” he called! He was hit in the head by a check for ‘$1 h8 u’. “Maybe I deserved that, but I’m playing the Spell card Wild Nature’s Release!!” Big Koala’s fangs grew out! His eyes became sharper and focused! He grew a cape for some reason! He was… THE VAMPIRE KOALA!! “His Defense Points are added onto his Attack Points, so he’s ready to kick some butt!” (Big Koala: 4700 Attack Points) Syrus pointed at the Ancient Gear Golem! “TURN HIM INTO A ZOMBIE KOALA!!” Big Koala tossed his cape at the giant robot’s head. As it struggled to take it off, the koala appeared behind it and bit through its helmet! The koala took back its cape and flew back onto Syrus’ side. The golem began shaking wildly. Fur poured out of every visible orifice. It finally exploded into a magnificent pile of fluffy koala fur. (Crowler: 1500 Life Points)

“Is that it?” Crowler asked.

“Nope.” Syrus’ Trap flipped up, featuring a soul escaping a pink battle-scarred pig. “I play Kill the Pig!” The pig appeared on the field. The vampire koala picked it up and bit into it, sucking away all of its vital fluids as it wiggled around in shock. The koala tossed the pig over its shoulder, prompting its soul to float out and smack it in the face in anger! The koala was hit so hard that it exploded into… its old self.

“What was the point?” Fluffy Fred asked.

“Wild Nature’s Release kills all affected monsters at the end of the turn, so swapping out effectively stopped Syrus from losing any monsters,” Alexis explained.

“Hey, is this the first time we’ve ever spoken to each other?” Fluffy Fred checked.

“Could be.”

“CELEBRATE!!” Nancy Wut exploded!

“No!”

 

“Back to the game, my Big Koala sits on your Gear Soldier!” Syrus ordered! The big koala sat on the robotic soldier. “How was THAT, lady?”

“WOOT!!” cheered the audience.

He’s actually doing quite well, spurred by the death of his friend, Crowler noticed. Sadly, this means I must put the hammer down. “It was alright, to say the least.” A card was shot out of the dueling vest and onto the floor. Crowler picked it up off of the ground, wiped away some disgusting barbeque sauce and exclaimed, “I activate the ULTIMATE Spell card: Ancient Gear Factory!!” What looked like a children’s fort on top of a giant meaningless machine appeared and poured smoke out of EVERY WAKING PORE!

“Eh, I’ve seen better,” Jaden recalled.

“You HAVE?!” Mann McOldsmobile gasped. “It’s the fort I’ve ALWAYS DREAMED OF, but was too LAZY to build!! Can I have that card, sir?”

“No. This card allows me to summon any Ancient Gear monster in my hand, including…” Ancient Gear Golem appeared.

 

“YOU’VE GOTTA BE FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME!! YOU HAVE MORE COPIES?!” Syrus screeched! (Ancient Gear Golem: 3000 Attack Points)

“There goes the legendary Super Rare card theory,” Alexis muttered.

“Oh yeah, that was a stupid theory,” Bastion chuckled, remembering the stupid old days.

“Hi kids,” Chancellor Shepherd greeted, suddenly sitting in the middle of the large group.

“AAAAHH! WHAT THE HELL!”

“Oh, apparently I was just passing by, and I decided to watch the duel,” he said, pointing to his script.

“WE DON’T CARE!” Chazz roared! “GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, DORK!”

“But—”

“THIS IS A PRIVATE DUEL, BUB!!” Jaden shouted, lifting the man up by his coat and the seat of his pants, then tossing him through the wall and into the hallway, toward a precarious window.

“ALL I WANTED WAS SOME CHOCOLAAAAAATE…” he screamed, falling to his apparent doom.

“Who told him I was givin’ out chocolate?” Jaden asked, trying to diffuse any suspecting ideas from Syrus. “Was it you, Koala?” Jaden asked the dead boy. “Aw, you, why can’t you keep a secret?” he asked, choking him. “I’ll kill you for that, yo! Ahahaha…” Syrus looked disturbed again. “Aw man, went too far, right?”

“Damn straight, Jaden!” Syrus agreed. “Anyways, Crowler, please. Let’s finish this up so that I can watch something crappy on the television. Explain how you summoned that guy.”

“Oh, I just removed monsters from my Graveyard whose levels were twice my Golem’s eight,” Crowler explained. “Anyways, I believe it’s about time I get rid of YOUR pesky monster! FINGER POKE!!” The giant robot effortlessly stuck its finger into the poor freakishly giant koala’s skull and ripped its digit down through the length of its body. Afterwards, it exploded.

 

“Remind me when the attacks got this gruesome,” Syrus Sy-ed. (Syrus: 800 Life Points) “Well, I play the Trap card, Animal Trail.” A lazy-looking picture of evil eyes in a forest glared from the card! This prompted the entire field to become infested with ridiculously tall grass! “Now I get to add Death Kangaroo into my hand from my deck.” The green boxing kangaroo leaped through the darkness and into Syrus’ hand! The complex visuals disappeared two seconds later.

“I reckon the visuals’re too complex for sumthin’ like THAT!” Billy Hills complained! “Couldn’t sumthin’ more eventful happen, reckons?”

“Your complaint is invalid, Billy-boy!” Crowler sighed.

“I reckon I don’t LIKE that nickname; how many times’ve I got to tell you that?”

“Several more, I believe!” Crowler answered. “Now I use the card Ancient Gear Drill!” A card with the image of a horrible tripod-ish machine standing over a hole and spitting a ball of pure, unadulterated energy appeared! It wasn’t a drill no matter HOW you sliced it!! Crowler’s duel vest spat out another card into its hand, which it set face-down onto the field. “That drill-like mechanism lets me take ANY Spell card I own and place it onto the field for use next turn.”

 

“A-A-A-ANY CARD?!” Syrus screamed! “THAT’S TOO CHEAP!!”

“Don’t let’m mess you up with’is logic, kiddo!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted! “Act as if it’s a complex story: forget the plot and just roll with it!”

“THAT’S A HORRIBLE STRATEGY!!”

“Eh, it got me this far.”

“Don’t listen to him ‘cause he’s an idiot!” Piggybank suggested.

“All you got to do is listen to your heart, yo!” Jaden supported! “Come on, y’all, let’s drum up a shallow show of support! WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU!!”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You can POSSIBLY do it!”

“I kinda agree with them, huh, Syrus, huh!”

“Just try not to lose by a huge margin!”

“I promise I’ll try not to hate you if you lose!”

Nancy Wut picked up Koala Ko Ala by the arm and swung him around like a flag. “He’s counting on you, Syrus!!”

“Don’t do that again, guys! Oh goodness, fine, I’ll try to win!” Syrus bargained! “Just stop flinging him around like that! It makes me sick! Does ANYBODY respect the dead around here?!”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHH!” shouted everybody, standing up and applauding for Syrus’ strong resolve.

“I really think you’re all just making fun of me,” Syrus said, drawing his next card… WHICH WAS AYERS ROCK SUNRISE, THE CARD KOALA KO ALA HAD CREATED!! Something had entered Syrus’ very core, stirring around inside of him. What… is this feeling?

 

**********

 

We suddenly cut to Koala Ko Ala, sitting in heaven, drinking some liquid eucalyptus out of a koala-shaped cup and watching some koala-based TV dramas. He straightened out his cool new wings and rubbed his cool new halo. “Boy, it’s times like these I remember how I spent my Summer Vacation last year…”

 

Last year in the summer months, Koala Ko Ala had gone to Ayers Rock with his extreme father. He was wearing a cool hat and several layers of coats, because… “Why didn’t you TELL me it’s winter in the southern hemisphere, dad?!” They were currently trudging up the mountain through an intense snowstorm.

“Stop askin’ me that, son,” Koala Ko Ala’s dad said, wearing nothing but his track pants and an undershirt. “Now, you DO recall what you promised me for, in return for the trip down to real-live Australia, son?”

Koala Ko Ala gripped his Duel Monsters deck in his pocket. “Yeah, I have to give up dueling forever, because your wimp of a son can’t pass the end-of-year exams at that no-good, SUCKY DUM-DUM school…”

“That’s my boy, repeatin’ everything I tell’m,” Koala Ko Ala’s dad chuckled. “Now look alive, we’re almost at the top of the mountain.”

“Could we take a water break, first?”

“No! Gosh, how many times have you ASKED that since we started this hike?”

“It’s been fourteen hours.”

“Ha ha, anybody with MY genetics could stand at least THREE mountains of this size without air OR water!”

They had finally come to the edge of the mountain. Koala Ko Ala took his cards out and held them over the huge, several thousand-foot drop. “I… I…” Koala Ko Ala took a deep breath. “I cast my cards back into the Australian outback, from whence they came!!”

 

But something happened suddenly. The clouds parted, melting away all of the desert snow and raising the temperature back into semi-normal levels. The koalas came out from their trees and frolicked in the daisies. The wombats and the dingoes tossed their neon Frisbee around. And the sun quietly rose upon the entire scene, allowing Koala Ko Ala to bask in nature’s beauty. He tightened his grip on his cards. “I’m sorry dad, but I can’t let go of my cards. It’s the only thing I have going for me, besides the Koala Juice company name and the entire koala-motif I got goin’ on. Duel Monsters is my way of life!!” Koala Ko Ala’s dad looked at him sternly for a moment. Koala Ko Ala feared that Koala Ko Ala’s dad would throw him a mighty fist into his face, causing his body to implode.

“Wa-ha-ha!” Koala Ko Ala’s dad laughed. He placed his hand on his son’s shoulders. “Son, you’ve become quite a man yourself, disobeyin’ your dad like that. I’m proud of you, but you’re paying for the cost of the trip yourself.”

“WHAT?!” In shock, Koala Ko Ala dropped his cards off the face of the mountain. The breeze scattered them all around the huge, flat desert. “… Okay, but you’re buying me a new deck.”

“Agreed.”

 

**********

 

The intense feelings from within the Spell card entered into Syrus’ being and gave him the true duelist’s spirit. What… is this feeling? Syrus wondered. It’s entering my chest… and awakening… my overly dramatic spirit!! “Crowler, as sure as the sun shall always rise on a new day, I WILL win my friend his life-long dream of becoming the designer of his passion!” Syrus monologued! “I carry his will within his cards and shall not stop fighting in his name until they force me to! Holding the dear memories of my friend within my heart, my heated will… no, OUR wills, together, fight on in the name of KOALA KO ALA!!”

“LOOK OUT, HE’S SPEAKIN’ GIBBERISH!!” Fluffy Fred cried out! “DON’T GET TOO CLOSE!!”

“Wow,” gasped Chancellor Shepherd, touching his chest. “I feel as if his heated heart is igniting mine as well!”

“Get outta here already!” Jaden goaded, waving Koala Ko Ala in his face.

“Ew, dead kid. Alright, sheesh,” the man caved in, walking away.

“But seriously, he’s acting kinda awesome now,” Omega-Xis noticed. “Either that, or kinda hammy.”

“I reckon 50% of BOTH options!”

“Sure, let’s go with that.”

“Heh,” chuckled a man standing behind the scenes…

 

“And just why are you raving like that?” Crowler asked.

“BECAUSE I ACTIVATE AYERS ROCK SUNRISE!!” The beautiful scene of the outback presented itself by growing underneath the feet of the two warring duelists!

“Woah, woah,” Crowler cried, trying to regain balance, “what’s this?”

“The card my departed friend created himself!!” Syrus shouted! They were now standing atop a scale model hologram of the classic mountaintop, which the ceiling had somehow grown to house! Only the empty side of the stadium could watch, now that Ayers Rock was in town!

“Darn, now we can’t even watch the duel!” pouted Baseball Bob.

“This sucks!” Angry McArgue said.

“This card summons one Beast monster from my Graveyard, which shall be the almighty Big Koala!” Syrus explained. The Big Koala monster we all admired so much charged up the mountain with an exaggerated running style! It slid to a stop and stared down Crowler’s golem. “Next, it weakens the power of your monster by 200 Attack Points for every Beast, Plant and Winged-Beast monster in my Graveyard!” The koalas carrying daisies charged at the giant robot, carrying the will of Eucalyptus Mole within! They smacked their flowers at it a few times. The dingoes and wombats tossed their throwing disk at the humongous mecha and started clawing at it. The wimp-rush had started to take its toll, however… (Ancient Gear Golem: 3000 -> 2600 Attack Points)

Wow, that was actually useful, somewhat, Crowler thought.

“Next I’m casting Polymerization!” Syrus yelled! “I’m fusing my Des Kangaroo with my Big Koala!”

“Did you hear that?!” gasped the people down below!

“Big Koala and a kangaroo with a hell of a right hook?!” Jaden gasped! “That’s GOT to be a big’un.”

“I’m actually frightened of how huge its pouch’ll be,” Nancy Wut worried.

“Can I ride it?” Fluffy Fred considered. He’d always thought it would be fun to ride around in a gigantic pouch and destroy a city. Then again, we all know how sane our cast is. VERY sane. Actually, the joke is that they aren’t very sane. It’s funny like that.

 

The sun hung high across the dusty desert scene. The two fusion-material creatures looked towards each other for support and nodded. They took one huge leap and flew into the holographic sun itself. “What’re they—” Crowler began as it was suddenly cut off by the ginormous green koala/kangaroo hybrid, wearing a purple vest, punching gloves and clown-like shoes, draping a championship belt across his shoulder and rockin’ one mean ‘stache. Some work-out equipment was hilariously stashed in its pouch.

“Say hello to Master of Oz, AKA the Australian outback itself,” Syrus said, crossing his arms and smirking. (Master of Oz: 4200 Attack Points)

 

“Well well, seems as if you’ve finally grown as a duelist to the point of which you can do a Fusion summon for such a strong monster,” Crowler complimented, “even though it doesn’t make sense when I say it that way. Oh well.” But… do I really want to use that face-down Spell of mine? Crowler considered, looking at the card in question. Ah, yes, now I remember. The idea was to have the boy go down in a massive blaze of glory. Sally forth.

“I shall end the game here and now!!” Syrus declared! “Master of Oz! Hell’s Right Hook!!” The koalaroo charged forward and stood directly ahead of the Ancient Gear Golem. He placed all of his might into his fist and delivered a right hook with all the strength of seven hells behind it!!

“I hate to break it to you, but I cast the Spell Limiter Removal.” The Spell card Crowler had set one turn ago flipped itself up, featuring a broken clock going out of control. The Ancient Gear Golem cracked its knuckles and gave a swift jab to the Master of Oz’s face! The ensuing impact completely obliterated the Australian scene in one swift puff of smoke, rendering the dueling field back to normal. (Ancient Gear Golem: 5200 Attack Points)

 

“I… I can’t believe it…” Syrus whimpered. “You doubled his Attack Points at the last second?”

“Yes, I believe I did,” Crowler stated. “You lose, Syrus.” The green koala-kangaroo genetic degenerate fell apart into dirt. He had LOST. (Syrus: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“AW DANG, I RECKON HE LOST?!” Billy Hills gasped!

“I take it back, Syrus, you STILL suck!” Piggybank insulted!

“I regret EVER believing in you!” Bastion shouted!

“I was offered chocolate for THIS?!” Chazz roared!

“And me too?!” Nancy Wut roared!

“There’s nothing else to say!” Angry McArgue believed!

“Get outta our town, loser!” Mann McOldsmobile leered!

“You’re a disgrace to my deck!!” Koala Ko Ala sobbed!

“Wait, Koala Ko Ala’s alive again,” Jaden noticed.

“HOORAY!!” the crowd cheered!

 

“… Am I missing something here?” Syrus asked.

“Hey, I liked it up in heaven!” Koala Ko Ala grumbled. “Who told you all to bring me back?”

“Are you really gonna be a jerkass about it?” Jaden asked, paranoid.

“Nah, I’m not THAT heartless!” Koala Ko Ala said. “And you all remembered me for once!!”

“Yeah, no doubt!” Jaden said, hi-fiving him. “Right, guys?”

There were some uncertain grumbles from the crowd.

“I’m not sad about this, really,” Syrus said, “but how did this happen?”

“Allow ME to explain, blue-haired wimpy kid!” offered Koala Ko Ala’s dad, stepping out from the shadows!

“KOALA KO ALA’S DAD?!”

“Yes, I called him once I’d heard that the koala boy had died,” Crowler stated.

“How responsible of you,” Chancellor Shepherd said with a grin of approval. Jaden kicked him out.

“Yes, and I came here for the sake of my son!” Koala Ko Ala’s dad said, walking up to his boy and patting him on the head!

“You actually had enough time to waste reviving your idiot son?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“Idiot son, there’s never a bad time to come to an island to help bring your idiot son back to life,” Koala Ko Ala’s dad stated. “Y’see, I’d imbued some of the spirit from my brawling youth into that card you’d created, and then when the blue-haired wimp kid used it, he became as hyped-up as a hyperactive eight year-old fanboy. Then, when he lost, all of that disappointment in the room just spread out and into you, disgruntling your body enough to pull the soul back in to grumble about it!”

“Huh?” Syrus asked.

“Wait, I had a card of mine created? For reals?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“Fo’ realz, son,” Jaden said.

“He’s not your son, but here it is,” Mann McOldsmobile said, inexplicably handing it to the koala kid.

“Wow, it looks perfect!”

“It even has those dingoes and wombats you saw that one time!” Koala Ko Ala’s dad informed.

“Also, I believe that this would be the best time to inform you that you’ve just been written out of the show, for I’ll grant you that important job you’d been wanting,” Crowler said.

“But mum, I thought you HATED Slifers!” Chazz recalled.

“No, just the ones whose names rhyme with ‘Laden Yucky.’”

“Oh!” Jaden said, smiling.

 

“That doesn’t matter, because I’m here to take you away, Koala-boy!” Pegasus said, bursting through the wall with his helicopter limo(a limo with helicopter rotors built-in!!)!

“P-P-P-PEGASUS?!” Koala Ko Ala gasped! “Oh man, this is too much to take in!”

“Then go along with it! I’m here to whisk you away to my magical card factory, where you can draw and design all the cards you want! And there’s candy, too!”

“Woah!” Koala Ko Ala gasped! “Am I really graduating today?!”

“Of course,” Chancellor Shepherd said, pushing him into the helicopter limo. “Don’t worry, kid, you’ll be a natural!”

“Jeeves, step on it! We have twelve more cameos to make today!” Pegasus pressured!

“You’ve got it, Pegasus!” a random voice accepted from the driver’s seat.

“B-bye, everybody!” Koala Ko Ala bid, waving from the limo! “I’ll never forget you all! And I promise, I’ll talk to you once I understand what just happened!” The limo took off and flew over the horizon.

“And I guess I’ll just take my leave, as well,” Koala Ko Ala’s dad decided, leaping through the roof and onto the moon.

 

“… The heck just happened?” asked Nancy Wut.

“Beats me,” Jaden said, shrugging.

“I believe that’s what they call an ‘excuse ending,’” Bastion guessed.

“I miss that koala kid already,” Crowler sighed.

“Who?” asked Chancellor Shepherd.

 

 

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Okay, here's two more golden oldens.

 

[spoiler=Episode 21: The Duel-Off - Part One]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode Twenty-One: The Duel Off – Part One

 

It was morning! And you know what THAT means… INTENSE GUITAR SOLOS!! And as we were rocking out, we saw Ms. Dorothy leading a massive effort to deliver metric tons of card game supplies onto Duel Academy Island from a ship! “Alright, keep it moving!” she ordered a few men. “You know what happened LAST time we were late, the US Army got involved and those kids got involved with their murdering, and their slaying, and their greed, and their CRAZY ideas, and their Episode Four Making The Grades…” But then bubbles appeared in the water! Huh? WATER doesn’t make BUBBLES… or DOES IT?! She shrugged it off as a scuba diver escaped from the piers to the weird cliff-y area of the island.

 

“HUAH!!” he gasped, gulping in air and taking off his scuba mask without air tank, which somehow allowed him to breathe the whole time! He had dusty brown hair tied up in the back, a scruffy, pointy chin, and the eyes of an ace reporter. “Great,” he sighed, “I’m finally at Duel Academy…”

 

But who cares about that, as Crowler was somewhere in an office screaming “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!” It was at a table conference area thing with the eight other teachers at their school, making it even MORE confusing. “The school duel against North Academy is the most IMPORTANT thing EVAR!! So we should use Zane, not Jaden YUCKY or Bastion, though he SURE can duel a tie match, eheheheh.” Apparently Zane was in the room, and he was simply standing and doing nothing.

“Well, Crowler,” Chancellor Shepherd reasoned, “Zane’s a good duelist, top-notch. But he CAN’T duel North Academy! Have you ever LISTENED to him?”

Zane turned to Shepherd. “Of course, Chancellor,” Zane said.

“See! Those people will think that WE’RE idiots, TOO! Therefore, we must send a person who actually has a clue about what they’re doing around here with a less-limited vocabulary.”

“Jaden Yuki,” Zane said, in a matter-of-fact manner.

“WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” Crowler gasped!

“No, actually Bastion and Jaden are still dueling each other, no matter how obvious the result will be and it doesn’t matter how many times you say his name.”

“I second that motion,” Professor Banner agreed.

“MEOW, THIRD-ED,” meowed Garfield.

“Did that cat just speak English?”

“Chancellor, Jaden will make Duel Academy proud, trust me,” Zane promised.

“Yeah yeah, shut up, you don’t matter, because you’re Syrus’ brother. Now let’s adjourn for Sammich Time.” Chancellor Shepherd snapped his fingers and the lights went off. The table opened up and let a Sammich tray slowly rise from wherever it was stored, complete with dry ice mist and cool disco lights from the ceiling.

“Hm,” Zane smiled.

“I know, right? Sammiches are great, why DID they never put them in the official release again?” Chancellor Shepherd shrugged as he took a bite. “Hm! Raspberry jam!”

 

MEANWHILE, IN A HALLWAY…

The mysterious diver who wasn’t diving anymore was creeping along the halls of Duel Academy until he found a storage room. He slipped inside, opened up a random locker, and pulled out a Slifer Red uniform. “There we go~,” he sang, putting it on.

 

And now that this useless scene is over, we cut to Jaden, picking his nose. “Really?” he asked, sitting in Professor Banner’s classroom with all of his classmates.

“Yes, Jaden, and stop that. You will be dueling Bastion by the end of this episode. Alright?” Banner asked.

“Sure, sure, I’m game.” Jaden pulled his finger out of his nostril forcefully and turned around. Bastion was sitting behind him! “Heh,” Jaden snickered.

“Hm.” Bastion gave a light smile.

“Now, time for class to end,” Banner announced. One screen-wipe later, class was over and Syrus-Koala Ko Ala tag-team-duo surrounded Jaden!

“Are you excited?” Koala Ko Ala asked, giddily!

“Are you too worried about losing to even move, thus gluing yourself to that desk for two days so that you miss the big duel?” Syrus asked, oddly.

“Yo, no sweat!” Jaden sniffed. Suddenly, though, Bastion and his entourage walked over. Bastion adjusted his ‘Baseball King’ badge on his blue coat.

“So Jaden, will you hold it against me if I win this one?” Bastion asked.

“Gonna kick your ASS!!” roared Fluffy Fred!

“You can actually WIN, Bastion?” Jaden asked.

“Well, yes, and I promise you that I’ll try NOT to tie against you,” Bastion laughed. “You see, ever since I beat Chazz, I’ve been formulating the PERFECT deck to face your Elemental Hero monsters, so I CAN’T lose!”

“An anti-E-Hero deck?! You mean Destiny Heroes, yo?”

“No, no, not until Season Two! Anyways, bye now.” Bastion walked away.

“See you, loser!” Piggybank insulted!

“Uh, I have to say something before I’m forgotten,” Baseball Bob sighed.

 

“Wow,” Syrus said, “he’s made an entire deck just to fight you. How do you feel?”

“Like a bajillion smackaroos, yo!” Jaden cheered! “It’s gonna be a sticky match-up, and it’s gonna be two tons ‘a fun!”

“That was the lamest thing I’ve heard you say so far!” Koala Ko Ala noticed.

And meanwhile, by the door, as he was being showered with comments about how ‘great and awesome’ he was by his gang, Bastion thought seriously. Damn, if I tied this one, it’d go to Jaden, as he’s in a lower rank, explored when I dueled Chazz. But I NEED to win this one, in order to gain national attention and get rich quick for whatever reason! No matter what will happen to Jaden, I MUST win…

 

A few seconds later, that old diver kid was walking through the hallway. He came upon two Obelisk Blues! “Yo, kids, what’s shakin’?” he greeted. The two Obelisk Blue kids looked at his uniform with intense attention to detail.

“Outta the way, Slifer Slacker,” they grunted, coming to a conclusion, and pushed him away.

WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY?” he asked them threateningly.

“Huh?”

“Beat it, Slifer Sludge,” grunted a Ra Yellow guy who bumped into him. Then something snapped. The three didn’t know what hit them.

 

Just then, Jaden and friends walked by! “Oh, it’s a new kid!” Jaden noticed! “New OLD kid!”

“WAAAAAAAAH!!” screamed Koala Ko Ala and Syrus! They had just walked into a scene straight out of a nightmare, as the Obelisk Blue guys were ripped apart at the torsos, their intestines strewn across the floors, and their organs thrown carelessly about. One’s head was smashed open upon the floor, and his brains were spread on the wall, spelling out ‘NO YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY’. The other’s arms were clearly missing. The murderer was holding the Ra Yellow kid by the head and shoulders, and the poor guy was already missing a leg cut clean at the hip, and his chest had a gaping hole in it.

“Please, no! I’m sorry!” he panted, toeing the line between life and death very dangerously.

YOU DON’T REALLY MEAN IT, DO YOU NOW?” the guy cruelly challenged, eyes dilated, ripping the child’s head off of his neck.

“M’name’s Jaden! Nice ‘ta meet’cha, bud!” greeted Jaden, courteously! That guy suddenly became a regular person again.

“Hi!” They shook hands, getting Jaden’s hand covered in blood.

“Yo, my hand’s covered in blood! Now I’m REALLY Slifer Red, hahaha!”

“Jaden, he just decapitated a boy in front of your eyes,” Syrus said.

“I don’t JUDGE people by the PAST, I do it by the PRESENT, yo!”

“It JUST HAPPENED, and a few seconds ago it WAS the present!”

“M’name’s Mann McOldsmobile, and the car model was NOT named after my family!” Mann McOldsmobile introduced. “It was named after the Oldsmobiles, by the way. I was supposed to come here a few days ago, but some weird kid pushed me off the boat…

 

He flashed back to a nice day on a ship. “I’m GOIN’ to DUEL ACADEMY!!” he cheered triumphantly, adjusting his red coat!

“No you’re not!” Blair shouted! She ripped the coat off of him and threw him into the ocean! She put it on and picked up a familiar hat. “Now I can LEGALLY enter Duel Academy in his place! Yay for getting to Zane!”

“AHH!! Good thing I brought my SCUBA MASK!! Glub glub glub…”

 

“And THAT’S why I had to swim for two days to get to Duel Academy,” he concluded.

“Why’re you in your thirties, and why did you kill those people for insulting you?” Koala Ko Ala asked, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Oh, I’m really just eighteen, and I’m a sophomore,” Mann McOldsmobile said, rubbing the back of his head. “I just LOOK really old. And I’ve been held back four times so far because I keep killing kids. So I thought, ‘why not just go to the school with the LEAST harsh ‘Don’t Kill Kids’ policy in town?’ And here I am!”

“You really ARE scary,” Syrus shivered. Suddenly, his watch he’s never worn before and will never wear again beeped uncontrollably! “Oh crap, it’s suddenly six o’clock, the universal dinner time hour! We GOTTA get dinner NOW!!”

“Come on, I know a shortcut!” Jaden shouted, leading the way!

 

There was a simple screen transition and then they were inside the Slifer Toolshed! “Wow, that WAS a shortcut!” Mann McOldsmobile chuckled! Then he looked down at his plate, consisting of: two sardines, a baby corn, a miniature bowl of rice, an even smaller bowl of soup, and an empty cup. “Aw, man, is this REALLY dinner?!”

“Yep!” Jaden told. “And no, you don’t get a drink. You’re supposed to eat the cup. For reals, yo.”

“He’s right,” Banner said, approaching while crunching a cup in his mouth. “Who are you, new student?”

“Oh, uh, eh, ih, erm, oh…”

“Actually,” Syrus stepped in, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Blair metamorphosed into this guy and is the same person. Yes.”

“Oh, well see you later, Neo-Blair,” Banner waved, walking in another direction. “Are there any cups left over? I’m still hungry.”

“Wow, thanks for helping me from having to explain something for myself, kid!” Mann McOldsmobile thanked.

“Well it’s better to be friends than being hunted down by the obviously competitively superior one here,” Syrus Sy-ed.

 

Not much later, it was late at night, and Mann McOldsmobile was now inside of Jaden’s Syrus’s Koala Ko Ala’s room. Jaden had his whole deck laid out in front of him stared at it intently. “Your deck’s lookin’ good, Jay,” Syrus complimented.

“Thanks.”

“What’s going on here?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Oh, he’s having the most important duel of his life until now tomorrow and he needs to check out his cards,” Syrus informed.

“WHAT?! This is a CARD GAME HIGH SCHOOL?!” Mann McOldsmoblie freaked out, placing his hands on both sides of his head!

“Well, duh.”

“ANYWAYS, I wonder what kinds ‘a heat Bastion’s packin’ for tomorrow, yo,” Jaden sighed.

“Well we’d better get ready for it soon,” Syrus said.

“I’m tired, so which bunk can I have?” asked Mann McOldsmobile.

“I’ve got the bottom, and Koala Ko Ala gets the top,” Syrus reminded.

“And I get ‘da floor!” Jaden cheerfully informed.

“Darn, I love the floor,” mumbled Mann McOldsmobile.

“Wait,” Koala Ko Ala urged, climbing onto the top bunk. He slid some sort of compartment out from the side of his upper-bunk, and out came a THIRD bed in a very dangerous-looking position!

“Wow! Thanks, kid!” thanked Mann McOldsmobile, his eyes glimmering! Suddenly his eyes drifted over to a copy of Skyscraper lying on the ground. “Huh… Skyscraper…”

“Yeah, I run a deck on it, yo!” Jaden said.

 

The reason I gasped overreactively when I was told this was a card game school… Mann McOldsmobile thought.

 

He flashed back once again to a cool, painted picture of him standing in a Skyscraper field area with a Duel Disk. And in a second frame, he drew his card! A third picture revealed him getting blasted by a random dragon of some sort, and a fourth and final picture showed him on the floor under a spotlight, as melodramatic cherry blossom petals drifted onto him in a comical manner.

“Hey, is that your favorite card?” Jaden asked.

“NO… IT’S MY LEAST FAVORITE CARD!!” He threw the Field Spell SO hard into the carpet that it shattered into eight pieces!

“NOOOO… well, I have another,” Jaden said, placing his second copy into his deck. “Why are you so against it?”

“Because I lost a card game once and I never played it again because I was so pissed off. I just came here due to the badly-made rules of the academy,” Mann McOldsmobile reminded.

“That reminded me of the time we went to the abandoned dorm where kids were rumored to disappear due to them losing interest in dueling!” Koala Ko Ala reminisced.

 

“Abandoned dorm, huh?” Mann McOldsmobile asked, diving deeper into their society!

“Yeah, we met lotsa chicks there. And TWO murderers!” Koala Ko Ala remembered.

“Oh yeah, I remember the murderers!” Syrus said. “And the guy with the Darkwing Duck hat!”

“He was a LAME magician,” Jaden groaned, puffing out his cheeks.

“Well time for bed,” Mann McOldsmobile decided, snuggling up in his new third-bunk-bunk-bed.

“G’night!” the kids said, cutting off the lights and getting into their respective areas.

Lotsa chicks, eh? Mann McOldsmobile plotted. Suddenly his bunk broke off of the main bed and crushed Jaden. Time to meet some ladies! Thank you, original episode having me go over there for half-of-a-reason! Mann McOldsmobile walked out of the room and onto the Slifer Toolshed deck, bumping into Crowler, who was using a cup pressed to its ear to hear through the walls.

“Wah!” Mann McOldsmobile gasped! “Who’re you?!”

“Shut up and go away,” Crowler shoo-ed, “I’m plotting evil things.”

This lady’s CRAZY!! Or man. Let’s get OUTER here!! Mann McOldsmobie fled!

 

MEANWHILE, BY A DECAYING BUILDING…

Alexis, Angry McArgue, and Nancy Wut placed roses by their favorite abandoned building. “Take care,” said Alexis.

“Be safe,” Angry McArgue said.

“We haven’t had much screentime lately, have we?” Nancy Wut wondered.

“You’re right!” Angry McArgue agreed.

“Hey, he was right! Chicks!” Mann McOldsmobile entered the scene!

“Ew he’s gross and old!” Angry McArgue gasped!

“OH NOES!!” Nancy Wut screamed!

“No, I’m eighteen, I swear!” He took out a driver’s license from his wallet. It said it was issued in 1974. “Crap, I got dad’s license by mistake!”

 

“Let’s get out of here, girls,” Alexis ordered, “this guy can’t be trusted. He’s got a license that says he’s AT LEAST thirty.” The three girls briskly walked away.

“Aw… BUT I SHALL NOT GIVE UP!!” Mann McOldsmobile reckoned!

“Hey, that’s MY gig!” Shades Milligan growled, walking out from the shadows!

“Why are you wearing shades at night?!” Mann McOldsmobile asked, fearful for his life!

“I’m a cyborg. And I’ve got my robo-eyes on you. Stay away from she-who-shall-soon-be-my-girlfriend, you hear me?” Shades Milligan flew away using his rocket thrusters carefully placed in his shoes.

“…Well, I guess this scene was… entirely pointless,” Mann McOldsmobile decided.

 

MEANWHILE, IN THE ROOM OF A GANG LEADER…

Bastion was in his cool Obelisk Blue room, on the computer, while his three followers were strewn out on his massive bed, sleeping. Bastion’s computer was covered in white paint, even the screen. “This is the LAST time I’m letting those people paint my stuff,” Bastion growled. He could barely make out images of Flame Wingman and Thunder Giant on his ruined screen. “If I’m to beat Jaden tomorrow, I have to figure out the science behind his monsters,” he self-narrated, “and that means I have to be able to take out Avian and Burstinatrix before he can summon his trump card, Flame Wingman. But then, there’s his other main monster, Thunder Giant. I need to kill Clayman and Sparkman as well. But how…? How do I take care of his main monsters before he summons them?

 

“Wait… I’ve got it.” Bastion leaned back in his chair! “All I need is ‘that’ card, and I’ve automatically won! But… do I REALLY want to WIN this?”

He was a much younger boy, and he was just about to finish up a duel against a little school friend of his along the River Thames!! “Now, Automatic Steamboat, attack him directly!” he ordered, as a steamboat with robot legs stomped all over his opponent.

“AAAAAH,” screamed the boy. (Bastion’s Friend: 0 Life Points, Game Over) “That was a great game, Bastion,” the kid congratulated.

“Heh, thanks, random friend of mine,” Bastion thanked courteously. Suddenly, there was a massive disturbance in the air. A meteor fell from the sky RIGHT on top of his old buddy, killing him instantly!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Bastion cried!

 

And so he went to the funeral, located next to the scenic London Eye Ferris wheel. There was much crying. A mysterious lady walked up to Bastion with a Duel Disk. She had obviously been crying recently, and was dressed in black. “Hey kid,” she sniffled, “the best way to get over a relative or friend’s death… is with a card game!”

“Alright,” Bastion agreed, taking a Duel Disk out from his funeral suit!

 

************

 

“Now, Manatee Roadrage, attack her directly!” Bastion ordered, as a manatee gangster ran over the lady in his car.

“Ugh!” the lady groaned! (Some Lady: 0 Life Points, Game Over) “Thank you, I think I feel better now,” the lady thanked Bastion.

“You’re welcome,” Bastion said. But then suddenly, the London Eye wiggled and wobbled dangerously! It rolled off of its foundations and right over the lady, killing her instantly! “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Bastion cried!

 

And so, he went to her funeral, located on the top of Big Ben. There was much crying and suffering. Then the most important man in England walked up to the young lad. “Aye, lad,” he told him, “that woman was my granddaughter, and she used to be such a good duelist,”

“She was,” Bastion agreed.

“Now, what’s you say to a memorial duel in her honor?” the most important man in England proposed.

“That sounds good,” Bastion agreed, uncertain.

 

**********

 

“Now, attack him directly, Laser Beam Rodent!” Bastion ordered! His large, purple rat fired laser beams at the most important man in England!

“Ugh!” the most important man in England grunted! (the most important man in England: 0 Life Points, Game Over) “Lad, that was a great game,” the most important man in England said, “I’m sure my granddaughter can rest in peace now…”

 

But as soon as he’d said that, something was wrong. Something was REALLY wrong. The Eiffel Tower came hurtling down from the stratosphere and impaled the most important man in England! “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Bastion cried! The other mourners all turned to Bastion!

“’Ey!” a guy shouted! “He just killed the most important man in England through winnin’ a card game! He’s bad luck!”

“No, no I’m not!” Bastion whimpered!

“He’s killed three people!”

“A POX UPON THEE!”

“Where’d the Eiffel Tower come from?”

Suddenly, a massive crowd holding torches and pitchforks arrived on the scene! “Hey, let’s kill this bloody child before he duels us ALL!!” they suggested!

“YEAH, LET’S KILL’M!!” The crowd steadily advanced around the Eiffel Tower as Bastion’s parents, who are pretty non-descript, came to him with a hang glider!

 

“Hang on!” Bastion’s dad said, grabbing his boy and his wife! They leaped off the clock tower and sailed into the skies.

“What’re we going to do now, dad and mum?” Bastion asked, teary-eyed.

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked his mom. “We’re escaping to Japan in order to avoid prosecution! Now hurry, learn Japanese before we land, okay, son?”

“But what if someone asks me to duel there?” Bastion asked.

“Well, just don’t duel them!” his mom suggested.

“Now honey,” Bastion’s dad disagreed, “there’s five things you don’t mess with in Japan. Number one: cherry blossoms. Two: tea. Three: sushi. Four: Evangelion and its many, many spin-offs, and number five: trading card games. We don’t want the other kids to say he’s a freak because he doesn’t play card games, right?”

“Oh,” Bastion’s mom understood suddenly. “Then why don’t you just play tie matches against everyone you meet? That will get you undivided respect, right?”

“But people will think I’m an idiot,” Bastion said.

“It’s better than losing and killing people, right?” said his mother, as they glided over Russia.

 

It’s better than losing and killing people, right? The words rang clearly in his head as if his mom had just said it again herself. “But do I really want to lose this match? Am I REALLY so GREEDY as to gamble the life of my close friend in order to gain the respect of the world? Eh, yeah.” Bastion turned off his computer and went to sleep with no regrets. “What’re the chances it’ll happen again, after all these years?”

 

THE! NEXT!! MORNING!!!

“Awright, y’all! Getcho’ eat on!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

Jaden (who was wrapped tightly in bandages) and his friends were in the Slifer Toolshed eating area for breakfast!

“Does that happen EVERY time?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Yep,” responded Koala Ko Ala.

“Oh, and sorry my bed snapped off of Koala’s bed and crushed you last night,” Mann McOldsmobile apologized.

“Nah, s’okay, yo!” Jaden forgave.

“Just don’t eat too much, ‘kay?” Syrus suggested. “We DON’T want you getting real full, then becoming really stressed out during the match so that you explode, showering the audience with breakfast food!”

“That’ll never happen,” Mann McOldsmobile shrugged.

“No, Syrus DOES have a point,” Jaden said, removing his useless bandages. “And just because I was crushed by an incredibly heavy bed DOES NOT mean I’m injured!” Suddenly his right arm fell off. “Ignore that,” he suggested, screwing it back on.

 

LATER! THAT!! DAY!!!

The Duel Dome was flooded with light. The crowd was excited as excited as some guy who was incredibly excited, don’cha know. And in the center of it all… was Crowler. “ALRIGHT, STUDENTS,” it announced, “TODAY IS THAT DAY YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, THE GAME TO DECIDE WHO SHALL FACE OUR RIVALS WHOM WE’VE NEVER SPOKEN OF BEFORE THIS VERY WEEK!!!”

“Shut up, we know!” a rude kid shouted.

“If it’s so blindingly bright, why does it have to be CROWLER that we can only see?” a girl yelled.

“Blah blah blah blah blah!” another kid said, supporting the last statement.

“Ugh, fine.” The lights went out and the Duel Dome was normal again. “So Bastion versus Jaden Yucky. Let the game begin.”

At one end of the arena stood Bastion. At the other was Jaden. “WE LOVE YOU BASTION XXOO LOVE KISS MWUH!!” screamed several supporters.

“Uh, Jaden’s… kinda cool!” shouted back Jaden’s very few fans.

“I wish ya luck pal yo!” Jaden said.

“I appreciate it,” Bastion said, uncomfortable with what he must do, “but I’ve spent the entire night figuring out the science behind your deck. So get ready to lose.” Both duelists held out their Duel Disks. “I’M COMMIN’ AT ‘CHA!!”

 

Meanwhile, Mann McOldsmobile ran around the halls past the entrance to the Duel Dome. “Crap, where’s that big duel being held again?” he wondered aloud. “I’m totally lost!” He entered the library, which nobody really EVER used, and approached a computer. “Okay, I think I can use this thing to figure out where the duel is!” he realized! He grinned evilly as he woke a computer out of sleep mode, prompting him to stare at a ‘DA’ background and the prompt to ‘ENTER YOUR PASSWORD’ into a small box. “Uh, jibberjab?” he typed.

“Password denied,” the computer told him.

His expression turned from creepy glee to despair. “AAAAAUGH, I DON’T HAVE A PASSWOOOOORD!!”

 

“GET YOUR GAME ON!!” Jaden ordered!

“BOO,” someone said!

“DUEL!!” Bastion shouted! (Bastion: 4000 Life Points, Jaden: 4000 Life Points)

And so the intense dueling action was kicked off forcefully by intense music you WISH you had as your theme song!!“I summon Carbongeddon in Defense Mode!!” Bastion said, playing a weird dinosaur constructed out of carbon and carbon byproducts! (Carbongeddon: 600 Defense Points) “Your move!”

“Is that ALL? I summon Burstinatrix!” Jaden shouted, slightly one-upping Bastion.

“Hooyah!” shouted Burstinatrix, arriving in fiery glory! (Burstinatrix: 1200 Attack Points)

“Now, attack!!” Jaden ordered, in an intensely useless pose! Burstinatrix took on the pose, by stretching her arm out far further than human physically should be able to, making Carbongeddon explode somehow! “Then I’ll THROW DOWN a FACE-DOWN and end my turn, G!” Jaden finished, setting a card.

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“Well, Jaden, I’ll just summon Oxygeddon!” Bastion released a pterodactyl created out of pure windy energy onto the field, laughing in the face of logic! (Oxygeddon: 1800 Attack Points) “Kill Burstinatrix!”

“No way, Joes! I activate Hero Barrier!” Jaden’s Trap flipped up, featuring a weird windy barrier covered in electricity! “I get to negate your attack now!” A giant ‘H’ appeared, scaring off Oxygeddon.

“An ‘H’, well played,” complimented Bastion. He looked at his hand. But do I really want to play this card? …Yeah, kinda. “I’ll set a card and end my turn,” Bastion said, placing down the card that will seal Jaden’s fate forever!!

 

“Who cares, ‘cause I Summon Sparkman and give him Sparkman’s Gun!” Jaden shouted! Sparkman flew onto the scene, holding his lucky pistol! (Sparkman: 1600 Attack Points)

“The gun, too?” gasped Syrus! “He’s REALLY pulling out all stops!”

“Shoot ‘dat dino, man!” Jaden said. Sparkman did as he was told, shooting Oxygeddon, who was forced into Defense Mode to lick its wounds. (Oxygeddon: 800 Defense Points) “And now, with no care for that guy’s effect, Burstinatrix! Use Magma Comet!” Burstinatrix forced some flames into a hard sphere of heat, which was flung at the windy dinosaur!

Just like the meteor that killed my random friend, Bastion remembered. “Sorry, but when my Oxygeddon is killed by fire, we BOTH take 800 points of damage, due to oxygen and fire and whatnot!”

“Holy yo! THAT ain’t good!” The fireball of fury bounced off of Oxygeddon, prompting a FLAMING ARMAGEDDON!! The entire Duel Dome was consumed in flaming rage! Several spectators caught on fire due to the holograms! (Bastion: 3200 Life Points, Jaden: 3200 Life Points) “Who cares, yo! You’re wide open! Attack him directly, Sparkman!” Sparkman aimed and shot Bastion with a bullet charged with electrical electricity!

Just like my life-ending direct attacks… Bastion thought. Too many memories. (Bastion: 1600 Life Points)

 

Meanwhile, in the stands, as a few kids ran around screaming due to being on fire, Chancellor Shepherd was sitting near Crowler and Professor Banner. See, I don’t call it ‘Professor Crowler’ because it’s a big immature jerk, right? “Boy, Jaden SURE was a good choice there, huh, Banner?” asked Chancellor Shepherd.

“Zane was right,” Banner agreed, “and Jaden DOES have a kickass theme song.”

“I GET IT ALREADY,” Crowler groaned.

 

“So, Bastion, you’ve got two monsters starin’ you down,” Jaden said, pointing to Burstinatrix and Sparkman. “Will you A: Throw in the towel, B: Beg for mercy, or C: Run home to momma?”

“I’ll take D;” Bastion answered in his thick, British accent, “you’re an idiot! Stop copying other stupid people! I just DARE you to use Polymerization, Jaden!”

“Dah, sounds good to me!”

Now once he uses that, Bastion thought, I can dominate. There’s still time to make up my mind about it, but not right now. I’m contradictory.“I summon Hydrogeddon and attack Burstinatrix!” A large spray of brown, muddy water splooshed up under Burstinatrix like a geyser, blowing her up, and then flying onto Bastion’s field to form the cool dinosaur we like better than the other two, yeah! (Jaden: 2800 Life Points) “Now I’ll summon a second one from my deck, as I killed Burstinatrix,” Bastion added, allowing a second Hydrogeddon to bubble up from the depths, “and I’ll play an Equip Spell called Living Fossil!” A picture of a gentleman dinosaur hittin’ the nightclubs appeared on the card! “I can summon Oxygeddon back from the Graveyard and equip it with this!” Oxygeddon appeared out of nowhere, wearing a top hat and monocle now! “Then I’ll use Bonding – H2O, like when I dueled Chazz!”

“Oh crap yo!” Jaden gasped!

“I tribute my three monsters in order to summon Water Dragon!” The three dinosaurs swirled together and turned into the remarkable awesome serpent made of gushing, swirling water! It towered over puny Sparkman, causing him to drop his Sparkman’s Gun in surprise. (Water Dragon: 2800 Attack Points)

“Ah! Yo, Sparkman! Pick that gun back up now!” Jaden ordered! “We can beat that thing, okay?” Sparkman picked his gun back up, symbolizing trust…

 

“HAH! I knew Bastion would beat Jaden,” Crowler huffed. “In your faces,” it told Banner and Shepherd.

“I’m your boss, you know, so I can fire you, y’know.”

“Oh yeah…”

 

“How’ll Jaden beat THAT thing?!” Syrus screamed! “This is IMPOSSIBLE!! IT’S GAME OVER!! AUGH, I’M IN DESPAIR! JADEN WILL NEVER BEAT THAT THING!!”

“SHUT UP, I’M STILL ON FIRE!!” Koala Ko Ala screamed, trying to beat out his flaming shoulders!

 

“Well, you asked for it, so I’ll use… POLYMERIZATION!!” Jaden roared, holding out Avian and Bubbleman!

This is it. As the weird tornado portal thing opened up, eating up the three monsters, and as Avian waved hello, Bastion waved his arm. “I activate my Trap card, Cursed Spell of Sealing!!” An evil-looking yellow pattern on the card was spewing out purple waves of energy… which spread onto the field, consuming the Polymerization portal!

“OH NO!!” screamed Avian!

“‘Oh no’ is right,” Bastion acknowledged, “as now your Polymerization is negated, and if I discard a Spell card, your Polymerization cards CANNOT be activated for the whole duel.” He placed a random Spell into the Graveyard. All at once, the portal imploded and Jaden’s deck spat out his other two Polymerization cards!

“No, that’s umpossible!” Jaden cried! “I ALWAYS use Polymerization!!”

“Too bad,” Bastion snickered, “because this time, I’M winning. I’ve used several hours of sleepless nights pondering the way to stopping you from pulling off an impressive, random, asspull-ish comeback! And it came to me last night! The science of your deck revolves COMPLETELY around your usage of Polymerization, Flame Wingman, and Thunder Giant! Plus the other ones I don’t care much about. And now, I SHALL win this game, showing to you ALL that I am NOT stupid, and I CAN win a card game!!”

 

“Heh, you spent HOURS trying to figure that out, Bastion?” Jaden laughed. “Even I knew that if I were to duel myself, I’d have to deal with getting rid of those fusions! You’re STILL an idiot!”

“Oh,” Bastion groaned, slumping over. “But if I’m an idiot, then why is YOUR deck completely useless now?”

“Naw, dude, it’s NOT useless!” Jaden disagreed! “Because you see here,” Jaden continued, holding out his Duel Disk, “there are SEVERAL other monsters in this baby who are MORE than ready, willin’ and able to kick your ass! I can STILL win this thing, as long as I believe in my last name!!”

“What’s he talking about?” Syrus wondered. “Wait… oh yeah, ‘Yu’! As in, ‘Yu-Gi-Oh’! And ‘Yugi’ Muto! And Jaden Yuki! Why didn’t I really pay attention to it earlier, unlike Alexis?!”

“I’M STILL ON FIRE!!” screamed Koala Ko Ala.

“And so,” Jaden said, allowing a great, blinding light to glow behind himself, “I believe. Go ahead, Bastion. Just TRY it, I’ll out-do you two-fold, yo. GET YOUR GAME ON.”

“BOO,” someone said.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 22: The Duel-Off - Part Two]MEANWHILE, AT THAT PLACE, ON THAT CHANNEL!!

Earlier in the day, Jaden and bros were watching television. “So Jaden, that was SOME breakfast, I tell ‘ya what!” Syrus syed contentedly, rubbing his tummy and telling us about when this took place. “Are you ready to beat Bastion?”

“SHH!! This commercial! It’s cool!” Jaden commanded, staring hard at the TV!

“What is it?” asked Mann McOldsmobile.

“Oh, he’s just commercial-crazy,” Koala Ko Ala explained, “these days he’ll get ANYTHING they tell him to.”

 

Cool music started as Tengu Man from the original Mega Man game series appeared in front of an exciting background! “HEY!” he called, in a vaguely Spanish accent. “Do YOU want to be like THIS?!”

The screen cut to a kid. Then the kid was crushed as an airplane plowed into the ground. “NO, you do NOT want to be like THAT!” Tengu Man assured. “Do you want to be like THIS guy?”

 

It cut to a famous movie clip. Tetsuo Kaga stood on top an airplane, which had a flaming wing and was headed straight for Mount Everest! “The only thing that truly matters… is shogi!” He laughed maniacally as the plane rapidly surpassed the sound barrier and he was burned to cinders.

 

“Do you wanna be like THAT guy? NOOOO!!” shouted Tengu Man! “And if you DON’T want to be like those two guys, then buy Tengu Man Airplane Insurance.” It cut to another random kid.

“I don’t wanna be like those two,” he stated, just before being crushed by an airplane.

“Well then, BUY IT!!” Tengu Man stressed! “See, here’s how it works. You buy it, you get hit by an airplane, and then we give you hospital fees. Now, how much does it cost? Only one payment of one million dollars. It cut to a DRAMATIC LOOK CHIPMUNK meme, where at the end a speech bubble appeared next to the groundhog-thing saying, ‘WOAH! That’s a lotta dineros!’

 

“DON’T worry, everyone, because when you get injured, we pay you one million dollars, and a penny,” Tengu Man said.

“WHAT?!” screamed a guy.

“Yes, and one penny!”

“It’s SO worth it!” screamed a lady! Then she was hit by an airplane.

“Oh, so sad, she didn’t buy airplane insurance yet,” Tengu Man tsked. “But you CAN!! All you have to do is call 1-800-TEN-GUMA….N… and we’ll send you the information you need to get what you deserve after your horrific airplane injuries. So call now!”

 

The ad ended with a blue screen, the phone number, and the Tengu Man’s Airplane Insurance logo. “Even IF there’s a small chance of this happening to you,” said an announcer, “would YOU like to take that chance? Call today!”

 

“That was so dumb,” Koala Ko Ala said disapprovingly.

“When would you EVER get hit by an airplane?” Syrus asked. “I mean, my statistics I got outta nowhere says there’s a one-in-a really high number chances of you getting hit by an airplane!”

“Was that Tengu Man?!” Old McOldsmobile asked, confused.

“Where’d I hide my million dollars?” wondered Jaden, as he held up his YugiNavi™ and looked around the room for his million dollars.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode Twenty-Two: The Duel Off – Part Two

 

The bright light behind Jaden faded away quickly, leaving Jaden feeling badly. “Oh crap, mah theme song’s over…”

“AND MINE IS JUST BEGINNING!!” Bastion shouted!

But that doesn’t matter much, as we cut to the library again as Mann McOldsmobile was still in the library, struggling with the computer. “If I could just crack this code, I can figure out where the duel’s taking place!” he said, for no real reason. Suddenly, it worked! He was logged in! “Yes, I’m in!!” he cheered! A cool graphic of the three Slifer-Ra-Obelisk dudes flew by the screen before he was on Internet Explorer. “Okay, now to look up the duel’s location,” Mann McOldsmobile plotted… until he got a generic Blue Screen of Death. “Aw crap!!” he grunted, as a widescreen television behind him played the duel in progress.

 

All Jaden had was Sparkman and Avian on his side, while Bastion had Water Dragon for support. Things didn’t look good for J-man. “I’ll put Sparkman into Defense Mode and end my turn,” Jaden said, finishing up. (Sparkman: 1400 Defense Mode)

“Well I’ll play the Mathamagician!!” Bastion summoned a weird old scholarly man with a staff!

“HMMMMMMM-hmm!!” he hummed. (Mathamagician: 1500 Attack Points)

“What a DUMB guy!” Jaden chuckled.

“Well, when he’s summoned, his SMART ability discards the top card of my deck, and when he’s killed in battle, I can add ANY card from my deck to my hand!” Bastion said, discarding his card. “And now, destroy his monsters!!” Water Dragon reared up and spat a colossal amount of water at Sparkman, while Mathamagician shot numbers at Avian!

“I never liked math!” Avian cried! They both exploded.

“Aw man,” Jaden groaned.

 

Meanwhile, Mann McOldsmobile was walking around the halls. “I give up, I can’t find it,” he cried! Suddenly he remembered. The duel’s at the Duel Dome! Jaden had told him right before they left to see it. The Duel Dome, yo! Jaden said as they walked over to the Duel Dome. DUUUUUEL DOOOOME!! Jaden laughed, as they all walked into the Duel Dome. “Now HOW did I forget where it was if I was in there a few minutes ago?” he asked himself, as he walked past the entrance.

 

“I end my turn Jaden,” Bastion told his opponent.

“Good, because I just drew Mirage of Nightmare!” Jaden announced, drawing a card of a man screaming at some mummies.

“Well, that’s good, I guess.”

“And I summon Bubbleman!” Jaden added, summoning Bubbleman, the dumb Batman! (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) “When he’s the only card on my side of the field, I can draw two cards, and I’ll also equip him with Bubbleman’s Bazooka!” Bubbleman magically regained his awesome bazooka! (Bubbleman: 1600 Attack Points) “Kill that dumb old guy!” Bubbleman shot a giant water droplet at the Mathamagician with intense effort!

“OO-haaah!!” the guy screamed, blowing up. (Bastion: 1500 Life Points)

“Well, I get my new card now, Jaden!” Bastion celebrated, getting a cool new card!

“I think I can top THAT with TWO face-downs!” Jaden raged, setting TWO cards face-down! “I’ll also play Mirage of Nightmare and end it here! Even if you take away my Fusion monsters, I come right back at ‘ya, like Kirby or something!”

“From Nintendo?”

“That’s the one!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“But he’s copyrighted! Don’t you see, I don’t CARE how many speeches you make, I’ll STILL defeat you!” Bastion drew a card, thus causing Mirage of Nightmare to glow! “What’s this?!”

“When your turn begins, Mirage of Nightmare gets me four cards, Bastion! Then I’ll use my face-down, Emergency Provisions!” Jaden’s kipper and cracker snack card appeared! “I’ll get rid of my Mirage of Nightmare to gain 1000 Life Points!” The card’s image turned into a cracker, which he promptly ate up. “Yum.” (Jaden: 3800 Life Points)

 

“Who cares? I said I’d figured out the science behind your deck a LONG time ago. I play Pot of Greed!” Bastion sent his card into the Graveyard and drew his two new cards. “Furthermore, I’ve discarded ten cards since I played Carbongeddon in the very beginning of the game, allowing me to use its special ability! By removing him from play, I can now summon the diamond dragon, Hyozanryu!!” And from nowhere appeared a dragon covered in diamonds!

“RYAAAAAAGH!!” he screeched! (Hyozanryu: 2100 Attack Points)

“Both of you! Kill his bazooka and Bubbleman!” Bastion’s diamond dragon somehow EXHALED a giant pile of diamonds at Bubbleman and his weapon, destroying it! (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) Then came Water Dragon’s assault. Another massive stream of watery damnation came crashing down upon Bubbleman, killing him with his own element! (Jaden: 1800 Life Points)

“I use Hero Signal!” Jaden shouted, flipping his Trap card face-up! A huge ‘H’ appeared, similar to earlier! The monsters were held spellbound by it! “I’ll summon an Elemental Hero from my deck! Come on out, Clayman!” And from his deck appeared Clayman, looking as round as ever.

“Well then, my friend, I’ll end my turn with one card face-down,” Bastion concluded.

 

“And my turn’s just beginning!!” Jaden yelled, drawing just the card he needed.

“Didn’t I already say that one?”

“Almost! I activate the Warrior Returning Alive!” Jaden said, as Bubbleman came back from the dead! “Next I use Bubble Shuffle! It changes the positions of both Bubbleman and one of your monsters to Defense Mode!”

“Darn, that’s just what he needed!” Bastion realized! His giant awesome dragon and the stupid-looking guy ducked down into Defense Mode as a giant whirlwind constructed from a bunch of bubbles surrounded Bubbleman!

“I guess that means you know what else it does, right?” Jaden checked. “I now use the effect to tribute Bubbleman in order to summon Elemental Hero Bladedge from my hand!” And at once the whirling bubbles disappeared and Bubbleman was gone, replaced with Bladedge, the golden blade hero! (Bladedge: 2600 Attack Points)

“He’s PULSE-POUNDINGLY AWESOME!!” Syrus gasped, spitting up blood!

“AND HE’S EVEN BETTER AFTER I PLAY SKYSCRAPER!!” Jaden roared, playing his favorite Field card! Towers of all shapes (as long as they were rectangular) and sizes (as long as they were tall) grew out of the floor, just like magic! “Now, whenever my monster fights a stronger guy, they gain 1000 Attack Points, yo!” Bladedge geared up for battle, conquest and women as he gained the city beat of the city street! “Kill Water Dragon now, with Slice ’n Dice Attack!!” Jaden shouted! (Bladedge: 3600 Attack Points)

 

Bladedge’s back-blades automatically became a jetpack! How extreme! With the speed of a really cool, fast, blade-themed man, he flew through the business district of Skyscraper City, and collided with Water Dragon! Pushing through with all his might, the Water Dragon exploded. “No!!” Bastion cried! (Bastion: 500 Life Points) “Argh, this isn’t too good.”

“ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!” roared the crowd, deafening several poor people!

“Yeah, baby!” Jaden shouted! “I’m IN IT to WIN IT!! And I’m winning it! Aren’t I great?”

“Not yet, you aren’t!” Bastion took three guys out from his Graveyard!

“What’re you doin’, yo?” Jaden asked, confused!

“When Water Dragon is defeated, I can bring back my three original monsters onto the field!” Bastion laid out his three cool dudes! (Oxygeddon, Hydrogeddon 1, and Hydrogeddon 2: 800 and 1000 Defense Points, respectively) “Next I’ll activate a Trap card called Last Magnet!” Bastion’s newest card featured some idiot knight getting hit by a giant magnet in a comical fashion.

“That knight’s an idiot!” Jaden gasped!

“Just think of Bladedge as that knight.”

“Okay… wait! He’s not an idiot!”

“Not yet!” warned Bastion! “When one of my monsters is killed, the attacker is hit by a magnet in a comical fashion and loses 800 Attack Points!” Out of thin air, a large magnet appeared over Bladedge! He looked up and sweated profusely as the magnet fell, emitting a whistling sound, and bonked him so hard that he became stuck into the ground.

“Ha ha, that was funny!” an audience member laughed.

“Just like in the cartoons!” another person said.

“GO BASTION YOU RULE LOL!!” screamed Piggybank, much to everyone’s dismay.

Wow, the audience really likes me! Bastion gasped, mentally, happy to be noticed positively! As long as this isn’t a tie matchup, then they’ll REALLY stop thinking I’m an idiot! 4 realz, yo! I’m diggin’ it!

 

“Gat’ dangit, that IS pretty funny!” Jaden roared! “But not when I use my Clayman in order to attack, leaving him completely unguarded next turn AND a sitting duck to BOOT!” Elemental Hero Clayman grunted as a flamin’ background filled him with enough strength to gain decent stats! (Clayman: 1800 Attack Points) “Now, attack with Clay Clobbererer…er…er.”

“BOO,” someone said. Clayman ZOOOOOMED forward, as if his feet were roller skates that he had no knowledge of control over! He came to a halt in front of Oxygeddon and CLOBBERED him or it in the jaw! Or maybe that was a female dinosaur.

 

“WOAH!!” cried the crowd!

“HE ATTACKED A MONSTER!”

“WITH ELEMENTAL HERO CLAYMAN!”

“I’M SPEECHLESS! I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY! IT’S SO AWE-INSPIRING THAT IF I ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING, I’D RUIN IT COMPLETELY—”

“SHUT! UP!”

“Okay.”

“Wow, he attacked with Clayman!” Koala Ko Ala said.

“Yeah,” agreed Syrus, “but now Clayman’s in Attack Mode. So now he’ll get attacked. And then he’ll get killed. And then Jaden will lose. And then we’ll all be depressed because Bastion just ruined the next two-part episode for us all.”

“Why do I hang out with you, again?”

 

Suddenly Mann McOldsmobile entered the scene! “Wow, who KNEW that the room filled with screaming dueling enthusiasts was ACTUALLY the Duel Do—HOLY CRAP!!” His mouth agape, he stood in fear of the field. “SK-SK-SK-SK-SK-SKY-SKY-SKY-SK-SK-SK-SKYSCRA-SKY-SK-SKYSC-SKY-SKYSCRAPER-SKYSCRAPER!!!?!The card that defeated me that one time back then at that place when I was there!!

 

He flashed back to his dueling days, a few weeks ago. He was standing in picturesque Skyscraper City, holding out his hand of cards. “Hmm, when he ends his turn, I’ll use this one card in my hand with this one card on my field to get this one card from my deck to WIN the game!” But his dreams were crushed as soon as he saw… the Generic Dragon. (Mann McOldsmobile: 1 Life Point) (Generic Dragon: 2 Attack Points)

“Okay, Generic Dragon,” Jaden said, “attack him directly with You Could Have Seen This Coming – A Dragon Fire-Based Breath Attack!!” The dragon inhaled air and exhaled fire at Mann McOldsmobile!

“Oh NOOOOOOO!!” Mann McOldsmobile cried! (Mann McOldsmobile: -1 Life Points, Game Over) He slumped over in despair and dropped his cards. “I’m a FAILURE at DUELING!! I won those OTHER fourteen games; BUT IT WAS ALL A FLUKE! A SERIES of consecutive FLUKES! Wahahah…” He ripped off his Duel Disk and threw it away into a nearby lake, thus electrifying it into submission. A helicopter arrived suddenly.

“Well, I’d better get back to Duel Academy, where you can kill kids without penalty, yo!” Jaden bid, grabbing a helpful rope ladder. As the helicopter flew off, he added “Get your game on, yo!”

“BOO,” someone said, freaking the bejeebers out of Mann McOldsmobile.

“Oh, and you’re expelled for killing a kid,” said a principal of a school, pointing to the body of a classmate Mann McOldsmobile had killed a few minutes before the duel over a nickel they’d found on the street. Damn, Mann McOldsmobile thought through the tears, touching the nickel in his pocket.

 

Back to Bastion, the yellow kid drew his next card. “Well Jaden, I see that you’ve just killed a monster in an excellent play with Clayman,” he said, “but it may have been smarter just to lay down a face-down card and put Clayman in Defense Mode, you know.”

“No way!!” Jaden gasped, finally realizing that Clayman only has 800 Attack Points!

“Well,” Bastion sighed, “I suppose I’ll hurry this duel to a close by activating Litmus Doom Ritual.” A giant two-pronged tuning fork grew from the earth, charging an orb of electrical POWAH for some unknown reason. “I’ll tribute eight stars’ worth of monsters in order to summon a new Ritual Monster.” His two Hydrogeddons imploded, making the tuning fork get even MORE electrical!

“Aw man! NOBODY likes Ritual Monsters! NOBODY!!” Jaden screamed!

“You’re insensitive!” Bastion accused! “Now appear, Litmus Doom Swordsman!” A weird matador with a funny hat and TWO blades appeared, posed awkwardly, and made the tuning fork explode by just existing!! (LDS: 0 Attack Points)

 

“Oh crap!” Syrus gasped! “He’s got NO Attack Points at ALL!! He MUST have a redeeming feature, making him less useless!”

“Uh, okay?” sighed Koala Ko Ala.

 

“Heh, he’s even more useless than Winged Kuriboh, and he’s pretty useless!” Jaden chuckled.

“Wrong, Winged Kuriboh is MUCH less useful!” Bastion said. “My Litmus Doom Swordsman, who I shall only call LDS from now on, is invincible to Spells and Traps and can’t be killed in battle! In addition, he gains 3000 Attack Points when a Trap card is face-up on the field!” Jaden looked at the funny weight. Then back at the swordsman.

“You’ve gotta be yankin’ my chain, right?”

“I am not yanking your chain.”

“Damn.”

 

LDS held out one of his twin swords and became STRONG!! (LDS: 3000 Attack Points) “Assassinate Bladedge!” Bastion ordered with malicious intent! LDS walked over to Bladedge, still planted firmly in the ground by the weight on his head, and stabbed him in the eyes, thus leading into the brain, and cutting his cerebellum and all that jazz. Bladedge exploded, but not before contorting madly in pain. (Jaden: 1600 Life Points) Thankfully the weight faded away, making LDS weaker, and making everyone wonder why he hadn’t killed Clayman instead for massive damage.

“’EY WHY DI’INT YOU ‘TACK CLAYM’N ‘STEAD?!” a guy asked.

“Because I have a plan!” Bastion responded, because he had a plan.

“OH, ‘KAY.”

“Hyozanryu, attack Clayman!” Bastion said, forcing his diamondy dragon to give Clayman the same treatment Bubbleman’s bazooka was entitled to. (Jaden: 300 Life Points)

“WAIT!” Jaden urged! “I use the anime-only effect where my monster gets attacked and STILL gains Attack Points, letting me lose less Life Points!” (Jaden: 1300 Life Points) “’Dat was close, ‘ya dig?”

“I do NOT dig, Jaden, I do NOT. I play Pot of Greed, allowing me to draw two new cards.” Bastion drew two new cards, which he really needed at that point. He however ignored the ugly pot that had appeared. “Now I’ll set three cards face-down, diverging this game from the one in the anime.” His two cards appeared. “Please forgive me, Jaden, but I must beat you here and now. Take your turn.”

“Heh, like throwin’ down a face-down’ll beat me!” Jaden laughed. “I’ll beat your lil’ Traps and win this turn with your dumb 0 Attack guy!”

“I activate Spirit Barrier so I can’t take any Life Point damage anymore,” said Bastion, activating that card. It had a guy shooting an alligator super hero with a laser beam, negating all damage!

 

“Wow, a card that negates all damage, huh,” Jaden gulped. “Well, I have something NOBODY else has EVER seen on this show! I summon… a BLACK guy!”

“What?!” a guy gasped!

“I can’t believe it!”

“A BLACK guy at a JAPANESE school? Pshaw, I won’t BELIEVE until I SEE!”

“Elemental Hero Wildheart, make history at this here school! And I’m sure what we just said here was NOT racist! The author’s black too, he just couldn’t believe it, either!” And lo and behold, an African superhero guy who looked like he’d come straight out of the brush, which slightly irritated me appeared, but it was okay because he looked great and held a MASSIVE sword of awesome! Because everything’s better with swords.

“RRRRRRAAAAAAAR!!” Wildheart roared! (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points)

“It’s okay, Japanese people just don’t know why it’s wrong to do that!” Bastion defended! “But how could you POSSIBLY defeat me now?”

“Well I’ve got news for you: I equip my Wildheart with Cyclone Boomerang!” Jaden’s cool but slightly offensive hero suddenly held a large boomerang! (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points)

“It’s just an embarrassingly small boost, Jaden,” Bastion mocked, “that’s not good enough.” But can he really beat me? Should I let him? What if it doesn’t happen this time?

 

“Well, I’ll tell you what’s ‘bout to go down, Bastion mah bud,” Jaden said, “when my Cyclone Boomerang is destroyed, your Spell and Trap cards are gone as well. And you lose 500 Life Points for each one!”

Crap! thought Bastion! If he does what I hope he won’t do by attacking Hyozanryu, which is still alive in this version, then my plan won’t go over as planned! Science of idiots, don’t fail me now…

“And now in order to make the biggest finish I could POSSIBLY think of, I’m having Wildheart attack LSD!”

“It’s LDS!” Bastion corrected. Perfect, perfect! It’s ALL as I PLANNED!! Wildheart tossed his boomerang in a lack-luster fashion at LDS, causing it to bounce back and hit him in the forehead.

“Ow!” he gasped! (Jaden: 300 Life Points) But the boomerang lived on!

“Thank you so much, Jaden! I’ve had this ENTIRE duel planned out ahead of time. The fusion-cancel, the Skyscraper, even your cheating, and now I’ll end this here.”

“Uh, I didn’t cheat?” Jaden attempted to defend.

“I activate my two cards in response to your attack; Celestial Transformation and Ring of Destruction!” The picture of a grenade ring appeared next to a Spell featuring a cool angel made out of glass.

“RING OF DESTRUCTION?!” Jaden cried!

“OH NO WHAT DOES THAT DO?!” worried Mann McOldsmobile.

“Yes, and my Spell lets me summon a Fairy monster from my hand at no cost, except for halving its Attack Points. I summon Petit Angel!” The glass angel appeared, quickly shattering into a cute angel thing, which the Cyclone Boomerang bounced off of. (Petit Angel: 300 Attack Points due to effect card, Bastion: 500 Life Points, Jaden: 300 Life Points. Get the picture yet?) “And now, I shall use my Ring of Destruction on…”

 

There was a disturbance. Wait…

 

The ceiling was smashed open as the Eiffel Tower fell through the sky, heading straight for Jaden! “WHAT THE HELL?!?!” screamed an onlooker!

“WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!” Bastion was too scared to even move.

This wasn’t… supposed… to happen...

 

“He’s killed three people!”

“A POX UPON THEE!”

“Where’d the Eiffel Tower come from?”

 

“He’s killed three people!”

“A POX UPON THEE!”

“Where’d the Eiffel Tower come from?”

 

“He’s killed three people!”

“A POX UPON THEE!”

“Where’d the Eiffel Tower come from?”

 

“WHERE DID THE EIFFEL TOWER COME FROM?!?!” Jaden screamed!! Bastion blinked his eyes, back in control.

“I MUST END THIS HERE!!” he roared, running through his holograms across the field, shoving Jaden away! The spear-like tip of the tower was caught squarely in-between Bastion’s palms as he showed strength even unheard of in this series.

“What?!” Jaden gasped! “Bastion, no!”

“BASTION YES!!” Bastion declared! “Jaden, everyone, Syrus…”

“Why am I last?”

“I’ve been lying to you all! Actually, I’ve never won a match before for your own good, not because I’m an idiot! THAT’S for a DIFFERENT reason!” Bastion revealed, sweat covering his brow from intense strain! “I’m cursed for some unexplained reason to kill people whenever I win a duel! And I’ve never told any of you before, well, because you’d never believe me and say I’m crazy.”

“He’s right,” the crowd gasped, ashamed at themselves!

“Jaden, I’m sorry!” Bastion apologized.

“Bastion you crazy idjit, let go of it already!” Jaden commanded! “Use your Ring of Destruction already!”

“Uuuuurrrrrggh…” Bastion groaned, “Ring of Destruction… destroy Petit…” As the grenade ring closed in on the cute angel guy, the tower pushed itself toward Jaden’s direction!

 

“DON’T!!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted! “He’ll DIE if you WIN!!”

“Ugh!” Bastion grimaced!

“Don’t worry,” Jaden said, “it’s okay to kill me for your own personal gain! Card games are ALWAYS dances with death, and somebody has to pay the price! Just do it!”

“No… NO!!” Bastion’s shout caused the entire foundation of the school to shake and rumble!

“Aw, just DO it already!” pressured Crowler. The world shot it a dirty glance.

“Ring of Destruction, destroy Hyozanryu!” The grenade ring teleported off of the cute thing and onto the ugly dragon, thus self-detonating.

 

The entire school was held spell-bound. The dragon burst into flame, chipping off its diamond hide into the air, causing a magnificent shimmering effect across the Duel Dome. (Jaden and Bastion: 0 Life Points, Game Over) The tower suddenly felt more weightless, and Bastion was surprised to feel his grip on it loosening! It slowly flew back to wherever it came from, leaving everybody in the school safe. “Aw, no,” Janitorboy Ikkaku cried, staring at the mess of the roof the thing had left in its wake, “If I have to clean this stuff up, at LEAST crush ME!! No-ho-ho…” He cried. But everybody else cheered! By throwing away his lust for victory and supporting the weight of the Eiffel Tower with just his HANDS, Bastion had saved Jaden’s life, and ruined the ceiling!

 

“BASTION IS AWESOME FTW WHOO!!” screamed the student body, ignoring the fact that if Bastion hadn’t tried to win in the first place, Jaden’s life wouldn’t be in danger, and it was all because Bastion got greedy!

“Bastion, that was some awesome quick-thinking there,” Jaden complimented. They shook on it.

“Can you forgive me, Jaden?”

“Forgive you for what?”

“…Uh, thanks.” But then Bastion was swarmed with fans!

“YOU WERE COOL!”

“THAT WAS AMAZING!”

“Where’d the Eiffel Tower come from?”

“OUTTA MY WAY!!” Piggybank started smacking people away with Fluffy Fred as a weapon, allowing the entire Bastion’s Baseball Wreckers Gang to crowd around him.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” Fluffy Fred screeched!

“Bastion, that was great,” Baseball Bob said.

“Oh, well, thank you all…”

“YOU AH NUMBAH WAN!!” Piggybank congratulated, hugging Bastion’s face!

“Mmph hm hm phhm.”

“That was the best thing I’ve seen all week, boss,” Fluffy Fred said, “but what about all these people?” He pointed to the sea-like crowd surrounding Bastion now.

“Uh, I have a plan.” Bastion climbed on top of Piggybank with a megaphone. “EXCUSE ME EVERYONE,” he began, “I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT. I ALREADY HAVE A FAN CLUB DEDICATED TO MY AWESOMENESS AND FOLLOWING ME AROUND, BUT YOU ALL CAN BECOME THE BASTION BASEBALL WRECKERS FAN CLUB WRECKERS, OKAY?”

“Yeah, sure,” a kid agreed, and they all left satisfied. As they all left, Chancellor Shepherd approached the two boys!

“Now Bastion, even though you obviously won until that darn French tower thing fell from the sky, you still had a tie match,” he explained, “and as the rules say, Jaden really won that thing. So you won’t be dueling the North Academy representative.”

“No way is what I say!” Jaden butted in! “I forfeit this chance in order to let Bastion be the best ‘lil Bastion he can be!”

“Jaden, I must insist that you instead,” Bastion graciously declined, “as I’d be happy to let you do this as a really good apology so you can never hold that against me again.” His ‘Baseball King’ badge shined a bit.

“Okay!” Jaden accepted, walking away satisfied.

 

Meanwhile, Mann McOldsmobile was walking along the halls, recounting what he’d just seen in there. “Hey,” called a girl named Angry McArgue, “where are you going?”

“Oh, you ladies,” Mann McOldsmobile remembered, turning to face the Alexis trio behind him.

“Do you need to poo?” asked Nancy Wut.

“Yeah, well, everybody poops, I suppose,” Mann McOldsmobile, “but not today. You see, before I was a high school student who killed people when he was angry, causing him to get held back for two-to-three years, I was a middle school student who killed people when he was angry. But during that time, somewhere in the middle, I was a duelist. I won about fourteen times before a kid said ‘get your game on’, followed by an odd ‘BOO’ who completely smoked me, making me lose all hope in the game.

 

“But by chance I had come to this school, because you can actually kill others without penalty here, and it was just my luck that I’d seen that amazing display of friendship, loyalty, and French architecture wrapped up in a little burrito of hope. Today I’m going to buy myself… a starter deck.”

“… Get your game on? Does he mean Jaden?” asked Alexis.

“The card shop’s over that way,” said Angry McArgues, pointing back from where they’d all walked from already.

“Oh dang it, thanks for the tip,” Mann McOldsmobile thanked, walking to where he was told.

“The card shop’s not that way,” Alexis noted.

“I know, he’s just an annoying idiot.”

“What a bastard!” Nancy Wut smiled.

 

Meanwhile, a French guy was standing near where the Eiffel Tower used to be before it flew into the stratosphere. Suddenly and luckily, it came down back into place. “Oh, it’s back,” he said…in English. Then he shrugged and walked away.

 

Back at Duel Academy, Crowler and Janitorboy Ikkaku were hugging each other, sobbing hysterically! “It WASN’T SUPPOSED to BE this way!” Crowler cried! “How could Bastion LOSE to that Slifer Slacker?!”

“And I have to clean up the mess!!” whined Janitorboy Ikkaku.

“You’re not getting paid extra to fix that roof,” Chancellor Shepherd said, popping in for a second.

“WAAAAAAAH!!” screamed Janitorboy Ikkaku. Professor Banner walked past them with Garfield the cat, not caring in the slightest.

“Well that was exciting,” he said, watching Jaden leave with Syrus and Koala Ko Ala.

“MEOW,” meowed Garfield in a particular manner.

“Whoops, that means he has to poop,” Banner gasped, picking him up and running away.

 

 

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Oh hey, it's our boss for the entire season! Ain't that a gas?

 

[spoiler=Episode 23: Get Yarr Game On]This TV gag is dedicated to a show I watched on a food-related show on the Travel Channel™ whose name I forgot. Please don’t kill me for my insolence.

 

Jaden and his three friends were sitting in their room, watching TV on Mann McOldsmobile’s bunk, the one that broke off and crushed Jaden recently. “Oh man, that looks yummers!” Jaden chuckled, drooling at the mouth.

“Uh, what’s ‘yummers’ supposed to mean?” Syrus asked cautiously.

 

On the screen, a large breakfast-based burrito was featured in all its overly-tasty, maybe even yammers-ish glory. “What’s filled with a dozen eggs,” the hip-sounding announcer asked, “weighs seven pounds, and is covered in chili?”

“This baby!” Nancy Wut answered, holding a chili-covered baby, who was dribbling some eggs from her mouth.

“AAAAH!!” screamed the crew! “NANCY WUT?!”

“What’s up with the baby?!” Koala Ko Ala asked!

“Get rid of it!” Jaden ordered!

“Okay,” Nancy Wut complied, and she threw the baby out the window.

“NOOOOOOO!!”

The screen froze with some family-friendly music. Some guy read out some words as they appeared on-screen. “Five Duelists and a Baby,” the guy said, “coming soon to a theatre near you! Rated M for Restricted.”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 23: Get Yarr Game On!

 

The Slifer Toolshed’s food area was in an uproar, signaled by the chaotic guitar solos today, and Syrus’ screams could be heard all across the island. Which was very annoying. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” he asked. “YOU TRADED MY BED FOR A STUPID CARD!!”

“A stupid RARE card, Sy,” Jaden insisted.

“It was a Blue-Eyes White Dragon,” said Mann McOldsmobile.

“JADEN, YOU SUCK MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE I KNOW!!”

“B-but like I said, it was RARE! It’s your birthday tomorrow, and so I was gonna get it for you, yo!” Jaden said.

“THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT!” Syrus screeched. “Now because of what YOU’VE done, I’m going to have to sleep on the floor, wracked with stress over how DUMB my friend is, ruin my back AND my grades, get put out of school, burden my parents, and eventually, get sold to a company by them in order to become DOG FOOD! Second-RATE dog food, the backstabbers!! Also my birthday was last Thursday.”

“Uh, well, it’s a rare card, like I said, yo, so you can sell it for ‘nuff swag to get a bed and two more!” Jaden suggested. He took out a Bue-Eyes White Dagon card that had a crappy picture of a Dark Magician on it.

“YOU SOLD MY BED FOR A BOOTLEGGED CARD?!?!”

“Hey everyone!” called Koala Ko Ala, entering the food area, “I found a sub!” He held up a submarine sandwich. “AND I found a SUBMARINE outside! Check it out!” The area cleared out in order to follow him to his devastatingly cool submarine.

 

The Slifer dorm had crowded around the nearby cliff as a submarine was stationed in the ocean. “Wow, it’s so far down below the cliff!” gasped a kid.

“I can BARELY see it!”

“It’s dumb. I’d rather have the sandwich.”

“LOOK, IT’S DOING A THING!!” gasped a girl with no name! Something had popped out of the top of the submarine, like a small podium. Slowly but steadily, it rose up several hundred feet and stopped in front of the kids. Then sounds relatable to footsteps could be heard.

“Where’s it coming from?” asked Mann McOldsmobile.

“I dunno, but this is already pretty dumb, and we’ve barely gotten into the episode,” Syrus syed.

 

Finally, after several minutes, a sweaty, kinda-old guy with a pirate captain motif appeared by the podium! “Ugh…ugh…ugh,” he panted, clutching his heart. “Darn me an’ me ol’ ‘eart condition…” He looked at the students. “Oh, uh, AVAST YE CHIL’RENS!!”

“Is THAT Cap’n CRUNCH?!” gasped Koala Ko Ala!

“Why—NO! Why would I be that dang Crunch man? He ain’t even a REAL sea cap’n!” He stopped and re-collected himself. “Erm, I be Captain Salty of the briny deep, yarr! And I’m here to duel the boy ‘ye call Jaden Yucky!”

“Uh, it’s Yuki, and only Crowler can call me that, yo,” Jaden explained. “You’re just an old weirdo guy who seems like the type to molest naïve kiddies like me. Almost like Crowler! But not really, so don’t call me that.”

“YAAAAAARR…” Captain Salty growled, being angry and such, “I’LL KEELHAUL ‘YER POOPDECK ‘FER THAT, ‘YE SCURVY DOG!!”

“AAAAAHH, HE IS A MOLESTER!!” the crowd screamed!

“I’m NOT a scurvy dawg!!” Jaden cried!

“And I ain’t no consarned molester, I say!” shouted Captain Salty! “I be here to duel Jaden Yucky on account of I say so! Get YARR game on!!”

“Oh gosh!” Jaden gasped! “When somebody says THAT, I HAVE to duel them!” A weird staircase appeared in front of the cliff. “That’s HORRIBLY convenient!” Jaden began to descend it.

 

“No, wait!” cried Koala Ko Ala! “If you’re dueling, we, as your friends, HAVE to come watch! But wait for me to finish my sub.” He took a bite out of his sandwich… and a bite outta crime.

“Sorry, guys, but he looks like a grade-A child molester to me, and this could get ‘ruff, dawg!” Jaden reasoned.

“But we’re here to help!” Koala Ko Ala promised, wiping his mouth! “We’re in it with you!”

“And me!” said Mann McOldsmobile.

“Not me,” Syrus syed.

“And me, too!” said Bastion, appearing suddenly. They all looked at him strangely, and he fled.

“Eh, fine,” Jaden decided, “I’ll take ONE dude.” He stared at the line-up. “Eh, eenie-meeny-miney-Syrus.”

“Why me?!”

“Because you have blue hair!”

“No.”

“Well then, that settles it, yo!” Jaden hummed, walking down ‘da stairz.

“Hmm,” mused Bastion, “this man seems pretty high-tech for a pirate, considering he could afford a staircase of this caliber.”

“I concur,” Koala Ko Ala agreed.

“‘Concur?!’” wondered Mann McOldsmobile.

“WAAAAAGH what’re you DOING yos?!” gasped Jaden, surprised to see three guys following him. “Especially YOU, Bastion!”

“Eh? Why is that, Jaden?” Bastion asked.

“You’re yellow, and yellow is yucky!”

“Like JADEN Yucky?” Bastion reminded.

“Okay you can come…” And the kids entered the sub… but not the sandwich… through the great staircase.

 

“WOOOOOOOOOAOAOAOAOAH,” the kids said, “THIS IS AN AWESOME SUBMARINE.” The thing was filled with all sorts of knobs, levers, and a series of strings and pulleys employed to keep the thing moving. Also there was a door marked ‘Duel Arena’ that they had been staring at the whole time.

“I wish MY sub had a duel arena in it!” Koala Ko Ala wished.

“Hey Jaden go inside and duel me yarr!” ordered Captain Salty, who came out of nowhere in particular.

“Dah okay yo,” Jaden said gullibly. He abandoned his friends and walked with the salty seadog through the door into a big room with water in it and two metal circle pad thingies.

“Yar-har,” Captain Salty laughed, all of a sudden on the far end of the arena, “let’s duel!”

“Wow,” said Koala Ko Ala from the original room, which had a big television to display all the duelin’ action goin’ on, “that TV just came outta the wall!”

“Amazing!” Mann McOldsmobile chuckled.

 

“I be ready to defeat ye!” shouted Captain Salty, holding out and activating his BUCCANEER PRIME EDITION EXX JEWEL ENCRUSTED DUEL DISK SUPREME that he bought for twenty bucks at some toy store. It made a cool glittery jewel sound!

“That sounded so fake!” said Jaden.

“DUEL!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Captain Salty: 4000 Life Points) And with that, an awesome oceanic song started.

“Yo!” shouted Jaden!

“‘Yo’ yerself, arrgh! Take yer turn!” ordered Captain Salty.

“Yo, awright, I summon Elemental Hero Wildheart in Defense Mode! I seriously had nothing better!” And Wildheart flew onto the field!

“GRR!” he growled, taking a defensive stance. (Wildheart: 1600 Defense Points) But all of a sudden, the ocean background disappeared and was replaced by several black panels of EVIL!!

 

“WAAAAAAGH!!” Jaden screamed! “YOU’RE EVIL, THIS ISN’T THE REAL OCEAN, IT’S THE DOOM OCEAN!!”

“Uh, no, I’m just a pirate-ish captain who wants to use ye in order to begin a duel school under the seven seas, yarr,” admitted Captain Salty. “And the virtual reality panels be on the fritz lately, yarr.” Captain Salty picked up a helpful rock and threw it at the wall. One panel exploded in a firey inferno, but the rest were back online.

“That’s a lot of booty…” gasped Koala Ko Ala.

“Don’t say that. EVER.” Mann McOlsmobile ordered.

“Shut up, ye dolts in the control room that we be hearin’ over ye intercom system, yarr! I be usin’ A LEGENDARY OCEAN!!” Captain Salty placed a Field Spell into his Duel Disk: one of the lost city of ATLANTIS!! Sadly it was full of water and ruins.

“Aw, ruins? That’s a BORING Field Spell!” whined Jaden! “I’ll show you what a REAL Field Spell is like… later…”

“Don’t be makin’ yer empty threats on yer opponent’s turn!” advised Captain Salty! “I now use the effect of the Legendary Ocean to decrease the summoning level of me next monster: THE MEGA EVIL KILLER WHALE SECRET BASE OF OPERATIONS – CODE ORCA!! Also he gains 200 Attack and Defense.” A very big, very nice killer whale poked out of the water with a massive hangar of weird fishy artillery on its back.

“MOO,” it mooed. (TMEKWSBOOCO: 2300 Attack Points)

“What a dumb card!” gasped Jaden!

“It be about to get dumber! Mega Evil Killer Whale Secret Missile!” The monster with a long name swam up a tad, opened its mouth, and grew wings! Wings made of nukes! Rocket-thrusted nukes, that shot through the sea into Wildheart, utterly wiping him off the face of the ocean!

“That was extreme. Ly DUMB!!” Jaden grunted! “Nukes made of wings… what kinda whack card is it, yo?”

“What? ‘Ly’? What manner ‘o English is YOU speakin’?”

“Extreme-ly. See? Get it, yo?”

“OOOOOH, I get it now, ahahaha. So what about it?”

“About what?”

“The undersea school house,” reminded Captain Salty. “We have the same kinda humour, same kinda personality. I’m sure I’ll be like a dad to ye! And you’ll be the SUPREME Assistant Manager of the school!”

“SUPREME Assistant Manager?!” Jaden gasped! “That sounds sweet!”

“Don’t do it Jaden!” shouted Bastion! “There IS no Assistant Manager of a school, no matter HOW intense he makes it sound!”

“Oh yeah, thanks Bastion!”

 

“Yaargh, defeated by Britain yet again, I be! I’ll just throw down me face-down, and end me turn,” Captain Salty said, deflated.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Wait, THROW DOWN?!” Jaden asked. “I LOVE it when people say that, it’s so rad!”

“Crap, he slightly wants to go with him!” gasped Mann McOldsmobile!

“Wah, you’re right, yo!” Jaden gasped, hearing Mann McOldsmobile’s gasp over the loudspeaker! The yo-kid shook his head and got the ‘throw down’ out of his head.

“He got over it, yarr!” gasped Captain Salty!

 

“Hellz yeah I got over it, and I’m summonin’ Elemental Hero Avian JUST to drive the point home!” Jaden’s stupid plans came true as Avian appeared in the lost city, defending himself!

“NO, JADEN, DON’T!!” shrieked Koala Ko Ala and Bastion!

“What’s wrong with Avian?” asked poor, unsuspecting Mann McOldsmobile.

“Yo, guys, what’s up?” greeted Avian. (Avian: 1000 Attack Points, 1000 Defense Points)

“OH MY GOSH!! THAT GUY’S HORRIBLE!!” screamed Mann McOldsmobile! “AUGH, WHY WOULD HE USE HIM?!”

“Sniff,” sniffed Avian, as he wiped away a single tear.

“Now I throw down mah OWN face-down, Captain Sea-Water!” chuckled Jaden!

“YAAAAR, THAT BE IT!!” roared Captain Salty! “NO MAN BE CALLIN’ ME CAPTAIN SEA-WATER!!” He got into an intense pointy-finger pose directed at Jaden! “I’LL BE MAKIN’ YE MY SUPREME ASSISTANT MANAGER IF IT BE THE LAST THING I DO!!”

 

“He sounds serious now,” said Bastion, “if I were Jaden, I’d go with him. This is his only chance to avoid his divine rage and join him in the best opportunity for an underwater dueling school I’ve ever seen…”

“Uh-oh, he’s rambling again,” Mann McOldsmobile said, “should I hit him?”

“No, not yet,” Koala Ko Ala suggested.

 

“Well he ain’t be gettin’ any choice, England-Boy!” Captain Salty shouted. “This is my submarine, and if I beat Jaden, I’m not gonna be lettin’ ye all out!”

Darn, he’s right! thought the Duel Academy gang. Why’d we even enter this submarine in the first place? DARN we’re stupid!

“Hey, you big dummy,” Avian said, “I won’t let this happen!”

“What?!”

“Yeah!” Avian held out a cell phone. “I’m calling the police!”

“I knew it was a great idea to summon my main man Avian!” Jaden cheered!

 

Hello, this is the Ocean Zone 5431 Police Department, how may we help you?” asked the police.

“Uh, hi, I’m Elemental Hero Avian, and we’re in a submarine in Ocean Zone 5430. Can you please send out somebody—”

We’re sorry, but we don’t have the equipment to do submarine rescues. We hope you understand.

“Oh. Thanks.”

Have a good day.

CLICK. Avian put away his cell phone. “They wouldn’t help us.”

“Why are there police that specifically help certain areas of the ocean?” asked Bastion.

“I dunno, but that’s pretty cool,” Mann McOldsmobile said wistfully.

 

“I activate Cursed Waters – Level Three!!” announced Captain Salty! A Trap card with some boring water appeared! But something was stirring in said water…

“That sounds intense!” Avian said.

“SHUT UP, YE POOR EXCUSE FER A MONSTER!!”

“I am no monster, I am a MAN!!”

“Shut up!”

“Okay.”

Captain Salty scratched his head. “Stupid new-age monsters, yarr. Back in ME day, the monsters didn’t jabber all day long! They growled and stuff! Anyways, me Trap lets me summon all the Level Three monsters in me hand.” A torpedo shaped like a fish and a snail-thing in a spiky shell resembling a drill appeared from THE DEEP!

 

“How the heck am I supposed to know how many stars they’ve got?” Jaden complained.

“Amazing,” Bastion noted, “that man just used an impressive combo! Normally, that Cannonball Spear Shellfish has three stars, and that Torpedo Fish has two, but now that he’s used A Legendary Ocean, they equal two and one stars, respectively, equaling three in total! In addition, they originally have stats of one-thousand Attack Points. But with A Legendary Ocean, they have one-thousand two-hundred, allowing them to defeat Avian! Amazing, simply ama—”

“Shut up, nerd-boy!! Now I use me drug-inspired killer whale’s ability to destroy that face-down with ‘is special ability!” Captain Salty pointed at the snail-thing! “Whale-thing! Do your stuff, yarr!”

 

The Mega Evil Killer Whale Secret Base of Operations – Code Orca picked up the snailguy with its small arm-like fins and simply tossed it at the Mirror Gate Trap Jaden had carefully laid.

“Aw—w, yo—o,” whined Jaden, “You didn’t HAVE to destroy it, Captain Salty…”

“Yes I did! Now, yarr, Torpedo Fish, blow up that thar Avian!”

“YEEEE!!” screamed Avian! He swam away furiously as the cool fish flew through the sea after him! Sadly he did not make it.

 

Elemental Hero Avian

{1974-2010}

 

“Damn it, he died again!” Jaden cried! “You will PAY, yo!”

“No, YE will PAY!” Captain Salty’s insane grin didn’t look so nice anymore. His giant orca thing swam close to Jaden, opened its mouth, and extended is cannon-tongue. Yes, it has a cannon for a tongue. It swiftly fired out a massive plasma-based laser beam at Jaden’s face.

“Ow, the hologram!” Jaden recoiled!

“Ahh!” screamed Koala Ko Ala and Mann McOldsmobile!

And with the most serious face he could muster, Bastion shouted “Oh-NO!!” (Jaden: 1700 Life Points)

 

Jaden’s entire upper body was burned away. Thankfully, there was a spare Jaden, who quickly took the stage. “Man, that totally toasted my spare Jaden!” the new Jaden ‘tsk’ed. “To honor the loss of Spare Jaden, I activate Polymerization!” Clayman and Sparkman flew into a whirlpool of anti-matter space-time, yadda yadda yadda, we’ve seen it all (or read) before… BUT THEN THUNDER GIANT APPEARED! (Thunder Giant: 2400 Attack Points) “Elemental Hero Thunder Giant, you know what to do!”

“ROOOOOOAR!!” roared Thunder Giant! Holding out his massive palms, he fired off a bolt of electricity, however possible that may be, which electrocuted that DARN killer whale!

“OWOOOOOWOOOH,” whale-called the member of the shark family(?)! He exploded into several cool whale bits.

“Nooooooooo!” screamed Captain Salty! “How did ye do that?”

“Easy!” Jaden’s expression hardened. “WATER IS WEAK TO ELECTRICTY!!”

“Dang, I fe’rgot me Pokemans knowledge!”

 

Bastion quickly scanned his Pokemon Yellow Version™ official game guide! “By jove, he’s right!” he exclaimed! “Water IS weak to electricity!”

“Shut up, Bastion! Use Voltic Thunder!!” Jaden’s Thunder Giant held his arms out once again and fried Captain Salty with the force of a thousand low-voltage batteries!

“AAAAAGH, ME TIMBERS BE SHIVVERED!! AAAH!” Captain Salty fell over, halfway defeated. (Captain Salty: 1600 Life Points)

“Oh and I throw down three face-downs,” Jaden quickly decided.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Eeeeeeh,” grunted Captain Salty as he stood up, “I has a proposition ‘fer ye. If ye work for me, then me give ye a THOOOOOOUSAND DUBLOONS!!” To show how much he WASN’T bluffing, Captain Salty held out a sample handful of gold coins with pictures of a smiling pirate on every one.

 

“How much is that worth?” asked Mann McOldsmobile.

“Oh my goodness, that’s worth over A MILLION DOLLARS!!” Bastion shrieked!

“Mmm,” salivated Koala Ko Ala, who was enjoying some food.

“Hey, you’ve got a snack on ‘ya? I’m hungry.”

“Okay,” Koala Ko Ala said, offering Mann McOldsmobile two of his Choco-Good Gold Dubloons chocolate coins. They had a picture of a smiling pirate on every wrapper.

“He’s a lying liar,” Mann McOldsmobile bluntly growled. “kick his ass. HARD.”

 

“Oh, but Jaden, me boy,” Captain Salty reasoned, “a THOUSAND coins of chocolate is better’n livin’ with a depressed landlubber of a boy who hates ye fer just stealin’ and sellin’ ‘is bed, ain’t it?”

“Sorry, buuuuuut…” Jaden answered… “I HATE CHOCOLAAAAAAATE!! However, if you had peanut butter coins, I’d happily say yes.”

“P-PEANUT BUTTER?!” gasped his friends.

“Arrgh, I have me no peanut butter to trade ye with! I’ll just play this then: The Shallow Grave!” Captain Salty’s newest Spell card featured some sort of cool voodoo priest climbing out of his grave with a cool demon parrot-like companion near his shoulder. He seemed like a cool guy. “This here card lets us both summon one of our monsters from the ol’ Graveyard in Defense Mode!” His killer whale with a really long name I regret making up for him was BACK!! (TMEKWSBOOCO: 1400 Defense Points)

“Aw man, not THAT guy AGAIN!” Jaden whined. All HE could do was summon that wimp Clayman. (Clayman: 2000 Defense Points)

 

“Now,” the CRAAAZY sea captain continued, “I’ll give you a slap in yer face by tributing my latest trump monster for Levia Dragon – Daedalus!!” The whale exploded in a blaze of glory, quickly exchanged with a sea dragon covered in iron-hard natural armor, complete with two sets of eyes and two mouths. (Daedalus: 2800 Attack Poits)

“…That looks dangerous,” Jaden shuddered.

“Well, he very well BE dangerous, laddie, as I can discard me Legendary Ocean, yarr, to… BLOW UP THE WHOLE FIELD!!” Captain Salty shouted!

“WoOoOaAaH!!” Jaden spooked-out-edly screamed!

“But not right now,” Captain Salty decided.

“Whew.”

“BECAUSE I TRIBUTE ME LEVIA DRAGON TO SPECIAL SUMMON ME GREATEST MONSTER, OCEAN DRAGON LORD – NEO DAEDALUS!!”

“WoOoOaAaH!!”

 

The first dragon’s head split in half around the second mouth. Its neck began to sever itself in a similar way, constantly healing themselves as they went. Soon the monster had a set of two heads, one with a smooth and diabolical appearance, the other more rugged and like the original. The hard blue armor along the serpent grew larger and more spiked as the body stretched out, ending up at about fifty-seven feet long, twelve feet high. “GARUUUUUUUGA!!” they screeched, causing the entire submarine to shake violently, even if it was just a hologram with an advanced sound system.

“DAY-AM, that is a BIG-ASS dragon!” is how Mann McOldsmobile put it.

“And NOW,” Captain Salty said, “I’ll use HIS ability, yarr, to BLOW UP THE WHOLE FIELD AND OUR HANDS!!”

“Did he just say their hands, too?!” Koala Ko Ala asked, unable to cope with the intense cheapness he was witnessing!

 

The sea dragon began going wild, smashing apart the undersea ruins around the duelists, causing the field to break and crash down all around them. Not even CLAYMAN was safe, as he and his monster friend were smooshed by the falling stuff. “U-uh, wait!” Jaden stammered. “I activate one ‘a my face-downs, Emergency Provisions!” The kippers ‘n crackers returned! “I’ll turn my other two face-downs into crackers, and chow down, yo!” His cards did indeed turn into saltines, but were crushed by falling debris. “Aww, I can’t even eat mah crackerz? What a cheap card, yo!” But even so, Atlantis died. AGAIN. All that was left was the giant, magnificent, maleficent dragon and two duelists who threw their hands away. (Jaden: 3700 Life Points, Levia Dragon: 3100 Attack Points)

“I don’t CARE ‘bout yer crackers, arrgh!” Captain Salty said. “Now, if ye don’t want to lose, ye’d best give up now so that you can go live underwater with me!”

“That’s a stupid thing to think over!” Bastion shouted.

“No, wait,” Jaden thought, “this is serious. My pride as a duelist is on ‘da line, yo! Either I give my life up, or I lose a card game. Which would YOU choose?”

“Life.”

“Life.”

“Life, you idiot!!”

“Oh yeah, attack,” Captain Salty remembered. His really big really cool dragon swiped its tail in Jaden’s face, which would have cut it into ribbons (of flesh) if it weren’t a hologram!

“Yeow!” Jaden cried! (Jaden: 600 Life Points)

“I’ll give ye on more chance, yarrgh,” Captain Salty allowed. “But once you draw your next card there’s no turnin’ back, and yer pride as a duelist shall be forfeit! And I’ll force you to work ‘fer me.”

 

What should I do? Jaden thought. Should I really give up, allowing him to take me to work at his school as SUPREME Assistant Manager, or should I lose the game, allowing him to take me to his school as SUPREME Assistant Manager? What should I do? I can’t POSSIBLY pull off an EXTREME combo which would be able to let me win with one card! It’s hopeless… it’s hopeless! IT’S HOPELESS!! Wait what would mom do?

 

He thought of his mother, a nice-looking lady with brown hair and massive brown anime eyes. “Purple,” said she.

 

Purple… purple! THAT’S IT!!

 

“Captain Salty!”

“Eh?”

“As long as there’s a ‘Yu’ in my last name, the ‘Will of D’ shall LIVE ON FOREVAH, NO JOKE!!” Jaden drew his next card, which shined like the rising sun of Chuck E. Cheese’s extraordinaire.

“He… he’s right!” Mann McOldsmobile realized! “Wow, he DOES have ‘Yu’ in his last name! Not so sure about all that Chuck E. Cheese stuff or the sun, but this is just like in the cartoons, with the YUgi guy and the YUsei guy! They were really blatant about that symbol, weren’t they?”

“Oh yeah, his name’s a plot point,” Koala Ko Ala remembered.

 

“YES!! I summon Elemental Hero Bubbleman!” The caped crusader parody appeared in a cloak of pretty bubbles! (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points)

“Yarr, you got ‘ta be kiddin’ me, boy,” Captain Salty groaned. “That guy can’t be beatin’ me giant sea dragon beast.”

“Who cares?” Jaden asked. “I use his special ability to draw two cards when I summon him and own no other cards at all!” Jaden pulled out his two LUCKY new cards: two copies of Pot of Greed! Purple was right! believed Jaden. “Next I pull off the impossible combo of two Pot of Greed cards at the same time!!” In Jaden’s hands were two equally ugly pots, which he threw at Captain Salty! They exploded into hard glassy shards, lodging them into Salty’s face.

“Yeowch! Darn holograms!” he cried unconvincingly!

“I draw my four new cards, and first I’ll use The Warrior Returning Alive!” Jaden’s Sparkman rose back from the dead, covered in wooden arrows for some reason! “Then I use the Spell Metamorphosis!” A Spell card with some pale guy turning into some OTHER pale guy flipped up near Bubbleman, then began to EAT him!!

“Owm,” the monstrosity cutely chomped.

 

“Yarrgh!” screamed Captain Salty! “Wh-what’s happenin’ to ‘im?!”

“Oh, he’s just transforming,” Jaden explained. “Please excuse him as he slips into something a lil’ more AWESOME.” And the Spell exploded, allowing an ALL-NEW, thinner, sleeker, more marine-oriented form of the fatso! He now looked respectable! “It’s Elemental Hero NEO Bubbleman!” (Neo Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) “Then I’ll give my homie Bubbleman’s Bazooka for 800 more Attack Points and partial invincibility,” Jaden went on, summoning the cool bubble bazooka we all know and worship, “and now turn that sea monster into sushi!!”

“It was cool until he said that,” Koala Ko Ala said, sadly.

 

Neo Bubbleman aimed and fired a huge blast of water fury at the two-headed leviathan, thus doing absolutely nothing. “Yarr-harr-harr, ‘yer Bubble Boy did nothin’ to me sea dragon! Try again in a thousand years, me swabbie! Yarr-harr-harr.”

“Nah, actually when my Neo Bubbleman attacks, your monster dies.”

“ARGH?!” Bubbleman’s Bazooka broke into a mass of triangular pixels which surrounded Ocean Dragon Lord – Neo Daedalus!

“Ugh, they’re so annoying!” said the rugged head!

“I agree!” agreed the smooth brother head. “Let’s get outer here!” They exploded together… brothers ‘til the end.”

“YAAAAARGH, NOOOOOOOES, DON’T DO THAT!!” Captain Salty wailed!

“SPARKMAN PAWNCH!!” Sparkman ‘pawnch’-ed Captain Salty in the jaw, ending everything. (Captain Salty: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“He won!” Bastion gathered!

“That last name sure works wonders, somehow,” Mann McOldsmobile thought aloud.

“But that ain’t all!” Jaden announced! “If you looked carefully, that FAKE’S catch phrase changed from ‘yarr’ to ‘yarrgh’! He isn’t a REAL pirate! Now are you, Captain Phony-Man?”

“H-how did you…” Captain Salty’s face suddenly cracked like porcelain! His entire body broke apart… to reveal this guy: BAM!! “No! My disguise! It was so perfect…”

“Who is you?!” Jaden commanded.

“Hmph,” the man ‘hmph’-ed, “my name is… Dr. Card. And that’s all I will tell you about me for now, but I swear, someday I WILL get your active volcano to become my evil lair and base of operations, I swear by it!” He disappeared in a puff of smoke!

“He just told us his plans!” Bastion realized! “What an idiot!”

“But what about the submarine?” asked Koala Ko Ala. “NONE of us can pilot a sub! We’re stuck in here!”

“We’ll just force that Dr. Card guy to do it for us!” decided Mann McOldsmobile. Then he looked out the undersea window in the control room and saw the Dr. Card escape pod leaving through the ocean. “Hmm. Never mind, we’re going to die in the middle of the ocean.”

“Aw man!” complained them all!

“BUT YOU STILL HAVE ME!!” screamed a familiar friend! The submarine was split in half as a harpoon was swiped through the thing’s cast-iron hull!

“Oh crap we’re gonna drown,” said Jaden.

“No you won’t!” An astronaut appeared through the flooding and threw Jaden a space suit!

“Wow! An astronaut suit, G! That’s sweet! Who’re you?”

“You really don’t recognize me… Jaden?” asked Syrus the space man.

“Sy! You really came to rescue me!” Jaden gave Sy a BIG hug. “Buddy, I’ll NEVER sell your bed again! I promise!”

“Thanks, but put on your suit, it’s time to get outta this thing before we drown and become fodder for some man-eating fish, and nobody will find out corpses out here, ‘kay?”

 

Two minutes later, eight people dressed as astronauts swam out o the water and onto the Duel Academy piers. “Boy, that was exciting!” Mann McOldsmobile chuckled, taking off his suit. The others followed his example, except for Koala Ko Ala.

“His suit ripped a bit and got flooded,” Syrus noticed, looking at the drowning fat-boy.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be fine,” said Alexis. Yes, the others were Alexis, Nancy Wut and Angry McArgue!

“Wow, the gals!” Jaden sighed! “Thanks for savin’ my friend’s cans!”

“Yes indeed,” Bastion thanked, “without Angry McArgue handing me a suit, I’d have died.”

“Shut up, you don’t have to thank me,” Angry McArgue grunted, turning away from Bastion, blushing.

Um, is she a tsundere, or is she just like this all the time?

“Why were they space suits, anyways?” Jaden asked.

“There weren’t any diving suits, so I had to make do with what I could!” Nancy Wut explained!

“Oh well thanks,” they thanked.

“And it’s all thanks to Syrus being paranoid about your safety and hauling in that harpoon!” Alexis congratulated!

“Yeah, I split open a submarine!” Syrus boasted.

“YAY FOR SYRUS, WOOT, FTW!!” shouted the friends, and they partied well into dusk. THE HAPPY END…

 

Meanwhile, in Dr. Card’s SECRET UNDERWATER LAIR, the evil man sat in a comfy chair. “Those fools,” he grumbled, “they may think that they’ve beaten me and stopped me from kidnapping Jaden Yuki and throwing him in some abandoned school underwater. But mark my words, I WILL turn that volcano into my Super Secret Active Volcano Lair of Evil! I swear it! Don’t forget me, I’ll become a recurring character soon! DON’T FORGET ME!!”

 

 

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yoiu suck

 

Hmm, well I can tell a lot of things from this.

 

1. You can't let go of infantile grudges.

 

2. You really love to argue for no reason.

 

3. You ALSO can't stop trying to prove you're better than somebody who cares about... 2% as much as you do.

 

4. You can't type for s***.

 

5. You didn't put ANY thought into this message, judging by the lack of any grammar in any way.

 

6. You're INSANELY off-topic now, because it's been a month since you tried antagonizing me, so this really tells me that you're bored, a troll, or somewhat idiotic today, like last time.

 

7. It's going to feel somewhat satisfying when you realize that I've reported this post already and you've been reading all the way down here before realizing it.

 

Now that I feel better, here's another older episode. I gotta try to blow all the way back to where we were before, so I may take a break for that after the next two episodes.

 

[spoiler=Episode 24: Champion or Chazz-Been]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 24: Whatever Happened to That Chazz Kid, Anyway?!

 

What DID happen to that Chazz kid? Hmm, I suppose it’s time to look at his adventures. Our story begins on a yacht in the middle of a really big misty ocean. Chazz was restin’ his arm on the handrails like a cool kid. “Pfft, stupid Slifers,” Chazz growled, “stupid Bastion. Stupid school. Stupid mom. Stupid stuff. Stupid everything.” A hallucination of Jaden himself appeared on the mist, like it was some sort of stupid television screen or something!

Yo Chazz dawg get yo game on throw down face down King of Games!!” Hallucinatory-Jaden yelled.

“SHUT UP, THE MEMORY OF YOU IS INFURIATING!!”

Eep!

“You’re SUCH a stupid hallucination!” Chazz roared! “They don’t TALK BACK! I’m gonna kick your ass!”

Go ahead and try!” Hallucinatory-Jaden challenged.

“Darn it, if only I had one more duel against that guy,” Chazz ranted, “then I could show the WORLD how stupid and wimpy that stupid, wimpy wimp really is!”

Well who cares, I got sports drink!” Hallucinatory-Jaden took out a bottle of Korpiko™ brand sports drink and chugged it down.

“I don’t care!” Chazz shot back.

Well, at least I’M not STRANDED!” Hallucinatory-Jaden pointed to Chazz’s half-sunked yacht.

“What the— when did THIS happen?!”

“Sorry, bro,” called his older brothers from the escape raft, “there’s not enough room for another small boy on the raft! Don’t die so that we can still abuse you in order to take over the world!”

“STUPID BROTHERS!!” Chazz raged at them! “I can’t BELIEVE that I trusted those brothers whom I’m not related to! Such idiocy…”

YOU’RE the IDIOT here, Chazz-yo!” Hallucinatory-Jaden countered! “Even I could beat you in a duel, and I’m not even real!

“SHUT UP, YOU!!” Chazz in full-on rage mode tried his darnedest to punch out that weird figment of his twisted mind, but only succeeded in putting himself off-balance and flipping into the ocean like a fool. “NOOOOOOOOOOOGLUBGLUBGLUB…”

Ha! Told you I could beat you, yo!” Hallucinatory-Jaden mocked.

 

Approximately four hours later, Chazz woke up soggy in the cargo hold of a sunken ship or whatever. A glowin’ fella was flutterin’ all around his face like some sort of annoying idiot. “Hey, wake up, boss!” the fella said to ‘im. “Boss! Are you okay there?” The guy’s accent was similar to that gal Countergirl Williams, ‘cept he enunciated his words better and sounded more like a bat-s*** crazy idjit. Turned out he had the form of a yellow guy in disturbing flowered Speedos with two eyes attached to his head via eyestalks. “Hmm, maybe the Ojama Yellow Theme Song will help him!” the guy decided. He shimmied around disturbingly a bit as some royally annoying, vaguely Indian-sounding song played. I apologize in advance for his song pissing off all those people who love Indian music.

 

“GRRRRR!! YOUR MUSIC IS IRRITATING ME!!” Chazz swiped the weirdo outta the air with one hand, reducin’ him to a cloud ‘o smoke!

“Welcome back to the world of the living~” said some sort of man, standin’ around in seaweed for some reason.

“Gaah! Who’re you? And why are you covered in seaweed?” Chazz asked.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you about the seaweed~ But my name is SeaweedMan~ I was the one who saved your life~”

“Ugh, your verbal tic is giving me a headache!”

“I know~ Also here is your deck~” SeaweedMan held Chazz’s deck in his seaweedy hands.

“What?!” Chazz, quick-as-a-fox, checked out his empty Duel Disk system, pulling it out from behind his back. “You stole my deck!” Chazz screamed! “Give it back!”

“Okay~” SeaweedMan dropped his cards into a puddle of salt water, which normally shouldn’t be possible with Duel Monsters cards. “Whoops, that was just a puddle~”

“WAAAAAAGH!! THAT CRAPPY DECK COSTED ME FOURTY-TWO SMACKAROOS!! GIVE IT BACK!!”

“No~ But you can have this instead~” SeaweedMan tossed Chazz a new card: an Ojama Yellow, which had that creepy feller from before in a spotlight, with drool glistening all over his face. Yecch, its stats were only 0/1000 with no effect!

“Ew, he’s disgusting!” Chazz recoiled!

“But don’t you want that card~ It will help you defeat Jaden Yuki~”

“How do you know about him, and how will this… thing… help me any?” Chazz ordered!

“Um~ I actually don’t know, but it’s a lot better than your old crap-deck~”

He’s gotcha there, yo!” Hallucinatory-Jaden agreed. “Your deck sucked!

“Grrr… MY DECK DID NOT SUCK!!” Chazz screeched!

“Yes~ It did suck~”

“You’re right…” Chazz agreed. “…But I’ll beat him myself!”

“How could you possibly do that~”

“BECAUSE I’M RICH!!” Chazz challenged!

“Hmm~ You’re right~ Can’t argue with that~ Oh well, have fun in the ARCTIC CIRCLE~” SeaweedMan teleported away, causing the submarine or ship to explode, somehow!

“WOOOOOOOOOAH!!” Chazz screamed, shot up to the surface in a flash! He landed hard on a floating glacier. “Ow, glacier!” He looked around himself and saw, of all things, a giant duel-affiliated school! “Oh, just my luck!” Chazz grinned. “A building! I can call for help now! And I don’t even care about the fact that I’m in some random arctic area! That’s just how AWESOME I am…”

 

And around twenty minutes of hiking later, Chazz finally made it to that building, and he wasn’t cold one bit, no-siree. Thank anime physics for that. The building was boring-looking, made up of a few stone towers stuck together with a drawbridge for a door in order to keep the cyborg polar bears out. “Hey, open up!” Chazz ordered, slamming his fists on the door. “I’m Chazz! That means I’m allowed in! Don’t play stupid!”

“Oh, you can’t get in~” SeaweedMan was sitting near Chazz in front of a small fire! It kept him warm.

“Wha?! Why are YOU here?!”

“Because I can be~” SeaweedMan said.

“So, just why can’t Chazz Pinceton get in here?” Chazz challenged. “I mastered the CHAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLAST myself, y’know.”

“Oh, well there are several Duel Monsters cards scattered all around the place~ You have to find forty in order to make a deck and gain admittance~ You already have one, so get hunting~”

“What the hell kinda test is THAT?!” Chazz demanded. “I mean, you have to find cards in ICE?! That’s FREAKING RETARDED!! No offense.”

“None taken~ Now go, young boy, and become a duelist~ Find your cards and reclaim your seat upon the throne of adequate duelists~”

“Hey, I’m not adequate!” Chazz said, feelings hurt. But SeaweedMan, lightning-quick, tore outta there with another one of his fancy teleportations. “Pssht. I’ll find those cards. And then… I will punch Jaden Yuki in the face.” And thus, Chazz began his epic tundra expedition.

 

He used all of his CHAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLAST’s powers to melt a Gyaku-Gire Panda and Ring of Destruction out of solid ice. He swam through frigid water in order to find some crazy-ass random card I couldn’t adequately see to describe.

 

And late that night in the middle of a snowstorm, he spotted his last card: Chaos End. But it was guarded by the fiercest beast of the ice: the cyborg polar bear. Its red eyes and robo-arm shined dangerously, giving off the royal air of the biggest threat in the area. But Chazz looked it straight in the eyes, and he said in the clearest voice he could: “What do you want? Depending on your answer, I’ll kick your ass.”

 

The bear looked at him for a moment and then proceeded to claw his ass up.

 

But hours later as the sun rose, it was made clear that Chazz was able to take the card behind the cyborg polar bear’s back, turn tail and run like a coward. But at least he had forty cards.

 

He stepped back to the drawbridge door and SeaweedMan once more, like the day before. “Oh, so you’re got all your cards, right~” SeaweedMan asked.

“Yeah, you seaweed-covered freak,” Chazz said.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…~”

“So… now what?”

“Oh~ Just hold your deck in front of the door~”

“Uh. Okay.” Chazz did as the wise old freaky man told him to, and held his new crappy deck in front of the door. Lasers came outta nowhere in particular, causing Chazz to jump like a jackrabbit! “Waagh! Lasers?!” But then the lasers identified Chazz’s forty cards were in good order and stopped. With great clashin’ noises, the drawbridge fell on top o’ Chazz. Then he crawled out from under it. “Damn dumb door…” He walked inside the building and stopped in his tracks. In front of him were two figures, who could only be identified as…

 

MEANWHILE, AT THAT PLACE, ON THAT CHANNEL,

Jaden and his Slifer buddies were hangin’ out at the Slifer Toolshed, watchin’ the ‘tube. “And now back to Two and a Half Men,” the screen proclaimed. On the show were two people. One was normal-looking, while the other was grossly overweight.

 

They stared at it for a few minutes.

 

“OOOOOOH,” Syrus realized, “I get the joke!” He paused as everyone looked at him. “It’s not funny, though…”

 

Now back with that Chazz feller, the boy had entered the building only to find a deserted wild west-style town for whatever weird reason those guys had to build it, and two people. They were… “BILLY HILLS AND DEEP-VOICE DOBBSON?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

“Dobbson, it’s Chazz, I reckon!” Billy Hills exclaimed!

“Huh, Chazz, huh, I haven’t said that in a while!” Deep-Voice Dobbson laughed! They both ran up to Chazz to hug him, only to be shoved to the floor.

“What are you doing here, I asked,” he repeated.

“Oh, I reckon we were lookin’ ‘fer the bathroom after you left, and we got lost, I ‘spose.”

“We can’t do ANYTHING without YOU, huh, Chazz, huh! Plus, what’s worse, Chazz, huh, is that the people at THIS school are dumb bullies! Kinda like you, but dumber! We made our decks, but they won’t let us do anything until we beat fifty people in a row, huh, Chazz!” Deep-Voice Dobbson whined.

“Step aside guys, and watch the master at work,” Chazz ordered. He walked across the dusty trail until he approached a wooden building marked ‘Saloon’, with Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson trailing close behind. Walkin’ inside, he found several people dressed in fat, puffy coats drinkin’ children’s beer, playing poker, and listenin’ to the player piano. This school is seriously screwed up, Chazz thought, scared for his own safety.

 

“Hey, who’s the sheriff of this stupid-ass town?” Chazz ordered! The player piano was silenced and everyone shut up. They turned to Chazz. “EEP!!” shrieked Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson, hiding behind Chazz.

“This ain’t no Wil’ West, y’all,” shouted one irritated guy with a Blue puffy coat and a down-home country accent, “there ain’t no sheriff! What’re you, stupid ‘r somethin’?”

“BWAAAAH HAHAHAAHAH!!” the crowd roared with laughter! Two windows shattered due to the mass amount of sound they produced.

“And then who’re you, bozo?”

“I’m the one who runs thing ‘round here, y’all,” the guy said as he stood up, removing his puffy jacket and showing off his electric blue hair, “the name’s Jesse Anderson!”

“Who cares?”

“Wha?! I-I guess you ain’t never heard ‘a me ‘fore. I’m the top-ranked duelist at North ‘Cad’my!” Jesse explained.

“Like I said, who freaking cares? I’m number one!”

“Where?”

“I’m ranked the highest, and you’re the lowest,” Chazz laughed, “at the Chazz School of Hard-Shut-The-Hell-Ups!”

“And we’re number two, huh, reckon, huh!” Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson claimed.

“No, you’re sixty-fifth. So I heard there’s a fifty-man duel gauntlet? Start it now.” Chazz held out and turned on his Duel Disk like a pro. “I’ll kick your asses with this crappy deck in five seconds or less! Not literally of course!”

 

**********

 

“Now go, KA-2 Des Scissors! Attack!” Chazz ordered, aimed at a robot crab with awesome scissor-pincers. (KA-2 Des Scissors: 1000 Attack Points) Guess how it attacked? It raised its mighty claws and spat out an anti-climactic poison gas from its mouth. How does THAT work, I wonder?

“AAAARGH, IT MAKES NO SENSE!!” cried the opponent, who fell to the floor in defeat.

(Filler Farnsworth: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“That’s his 37th win today!” one guy gasped!

“I reckon that’s our Chazz, dudes!” Billy Hills shouted!

“HUH, CHAZZ, RULES!!” Deep-Voice Dobbson cheered!

“SHUT UP! YOUR VOICES ARE STILL INFURIATING ME!!”

“U-uh, rush’m!” Jesse Anderson ordered! “All really, really, wimpy guys, rush’m, y’all!”

“OKAY!!” agreed a bunch of horrible duelists.

 

“Uwuuuuh!!” grunted the first victim, incinerated in a blaze of fire.

“Ahh!”

“Ugh!”

“WAaAaAaAH!!”

“WOOOOOAH!!”

“Yeowch!”

“Mah EYEZ!!”

“Ow.” One by one in extreme fast-motion, all seven other really, really wimpy guys were knocked out in a flash and comedically fell into a neat pile.

 

Staring at the handiwork that was physically and mentally impossible as Deep-Voice Dobbson and Billy Hills cheered their hearts out, the FINAL FOUR surrounding the now-panicked Jesse Anderson looked on ahead like he’d just done something MUCH more borin’ than beatin’ up eight guys without actually playing any visible card games with them. And these four were called… The Final Four. And I won’t describe them, as their names SHOULD be enough to clue you in on all they’re good for. “So he just beat all the wimps? So what?” asked Blue-Spike the Hairy.

“Yeah, it’s only a buncha’ useless bums, anyways!” joked Kidvoice.

“I bet you can’t beat US!” guessed Bighead Brawny.

“He won’t last two minutes!” laughed Wavy Hair Wilson.

“Psshaw,” Billy Hills sighed, “I reckon that you’re all so un-important that you had to be introduced by name-only, right?”

“Ulp!” they all gulped.

“If we don’t need to know what you really look like, then you actually suck, huh, chumps, huh?” mocked Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Hey, I’m gonna take some pages from a few of your books,” Chazz decided, “and I think you all DO suck, as Billy said. And from Wavy Hair Wanker, I’m going to end ALL of our duels in under two minutes!”

“I am not a wanker! What IS that, anyway?!”

“All four of you! I’m taking you ALL on with my crappy, randomly-made deck at THE SAME TIME!!”

Instantly humiliated and wanting to salvage what awesomeness that they MIGHT’A had in their reserves, The Final Four all stepped up at the same time, causing a neat-looking effect. “YOU’RE ON!!”

 

“I summon Marauding Captain!” Blue-Spike the Hairy said, as a blondie war hero appeared in neat knight armor.

“Yah!” he said. (Marauding Captain: 1200 Attack Points)

“And when he’s Normal Summoned to the field,” explained Blue-Spike the Hairy, “I can summon an additional monster from my hand, and plus he’s the only monster you can attack as long as he’s on the field! So I’ll just summon a SECOND captain and put YOU on LOCK-DOWN!”

“Yah!” copied a second Marauding Captain.

“Don’t copy me,” ordered the first one.

“Sorry,” the second one apologized.

 

“’Dis looks bad, boss,” Ojama Yellow worried, appearin’ suddenly and without any sort o’ warnin’ on Chazz’s shoulder.

“Shut up, useless character. You’re annoying.”

 

“We’re ALL un-creative,” the rest of The Final Four admitted, “so we’ll just copy him exactly!” And in a few seconds, there were eight captains on guard at the same time! How lazy were the writers for THIS episode’s script?

“What the hell kinda job are the writers doing on THIS episode’s script?!” Chazz demanded! Hey, that’s what I just said! Amazin’!

“I reckon they’re just dumb and do whatever works!” Billy Hills guessed.

Ugh, how did he know? The Final Four thought.

“I’ll just set two cards face-down and summon Giant Rat in Defense Mode!” Chazz announced. He now had a large blue rat with a human skull in its paw! How creepy! (Giant Rat: 1450 Defense Points)

“Hey, that guy’s dumber than OUR combo!” Wavy Hair Wilson chuckled.

“Maybe,” Chazz said, “but you know, it was the only thing I could find. In the ARCTIC. Because of your RETARDED initiation test. Seriously, that cyborg polar bear could’ve killed me! How do you expect to make up for that?! You force me to find trading cards and then I have to beat fifty guys with a lame-ass deck? Here’s how you guys made up for it: by having even crappier-ass decks.”

“What?!”

“Well, why else would you ALL LOSE TO ME?”

“No, I mean what made you think this was the arctic, y’all?” asked Jesse Anderson. “This is North Academy, in South Georgia, U.S.A.”

…WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!!?” Chazz roared, not unlike Godzilla or somethin’ like him! “HOW IS THIS PLACE IN SOUTH GEORGIA?!”

“Well, duh, how ELSE do I get my down-home country accent in the dub?”

“He’s got a good point, boss!” Ojama Yellow butted in, with his disgustin’ theme music. Somebody stop it, please.

“SHUT UP!” Chazz yelled, smackin’ him in the kisser.

“Ow, boss! You sure are a sadist!”

“Yes, yes I am!”

“Hey Chazz,” Billy Hills said, “I reckon you shouldn’t hit him ALL the time!”

“But his theme music is somehow disturbing!” Chazz reasoned.

“Good point, huh, Chazz, huh, but Ojama Yellow’s cool!” Deep-Voice Dobbson said.

“Y’really think so?” Ojama Yellow asked, teary-eyed. “Aw yeah, boyz!” They all did a three-way hi-five!

“Look, I’ll stop hitting you if you stop that IRRITATING theme song!” Chazz decided.

“Okay, boss!” Ojama Yellow’s song thankfully ended right then and there.

 

“I don’t care WHOSE theme song it is, you’re goin’ DOWN, CLOWN!” rhymed Blue-Spike the Hairy. “I play The Allied Forces!” A card featuring warrior heroes takin’ down some bad guys appeared! “All Warriors gain 200 Attack Points for every other Warrior-type monster on the field, so you know what that means!” The several Marauding Captains leaped up in a cheer! (Marauding Captains: 2800 Attack Points)

“HUZZAH!!” They went on the offensive, slicin’ and carvin’ up that Giant Rat.

“Thanks for activating Giant Rat’s special ability: when killed I can summon an Earth-attribute monster with 1500 or less from my deck!” Chazz summoned an angry panda bear at that moment, because he knew it was the smart thing to do.

“RAWR!!” he growled, as he bent a rod of bamboo in half menacingly! (Gyaku-Gire Panda: 800 Attack Points)

“Gulp, he broke bamboo!” gulped Bighead Brawny. “Uh, but still, attack stupidly!” The seven captains who didn’t carve up the rat shrugged and lunged at Chazz!

 

“You really ARE idiots!” Chazz laughed! “My Gyaku-Gire Panda gains 500 Attack Points for every monster my opponent has on the field!” The panda suddenly grew, as if he’d ingested steroids! (Gyaku-Gire Panda: 4800 Attack Points)

“Hmph!” Kidvoice grunted! “If you all attack together, you can take him down!!”

“Do you even know how Duel Monsters works, huh, Kidvoice, huh?!” Deep-Voice Dobbson asked, confused!

“NO!!” shouted The Final Four, all in unison! “GOOOOOO!!” One Marauding Captain hacked at the panda with his mighty blade, but was clawed in the face, exploding. (The Final Four: 14800 Life Points) The second one hit him with his sword’s hilt, but it bounced back, slicing his head, exploding him. (The Final Four: 13600 Life Points) The third one, however, was sneaky. He pulled out a revolver! Sadly, he was a true-blue swordsman, and didn’t realize that his gun was held backwards. He pulled the trigger, exploding himself. (The Final Four: 12400 Life Points) Then the fourth one decided, ‘hey, what the hell are we all doing? We should run for it, we can’t do it!’, turned tail and ran. Then Gyaku-Gire Panda threw the fifth victim at the runner, exploding them. (The Final Four: 10000 Life Points) The last two decided that two heads and swords are better’n one, and prepared for the best tag team attack ever performed: the Twin-Kick Double Flippy Cut—Swan. They missed, exploding them. (The Final Four: 7600 Life Points, which leads up to about 1900 Life Points left each)

 

“Hey,” gasped Blue-Spike the Hairy.

“Why didn’t,” wondered Kidvoice.

“Their Attack Points,” added Bighead Brawny.

“Change?!” exclaimed Wavy Hair Wilson.

“Of course, you idiots,” Chazz explained, “it’s because YOU ALL ATTACKED SIMULTANEOUSLY. Man, do you even know how to duel?!” Also the panda shrunk. (Gyaku-Gire Panda: 800 Attack Points)

“No, I reckon!” Billy Hills said snarkily.

“Aw yeah!” Chazz, Deep-Voice Dobbson and Ojama Yellow all hi-fived him.

“Anyways, my turn, right?”

“Uh yeah sure whatever.”

“Thanks for simultaneously ending three players’ turns for me!” Chazz gloated! “I’ll use the card Chazz Wins the Duel in THIS Episode!” A Spell card with a picture of Chazz’s smug face appeared, grew a fist, and punched out all the opponents. They flew into the helpful pile from earlier. “This card automatically F’S ALL OF YOU PUNKS!!”

“Ooh, naughty word, huh, COOL GUY, huh!”

 

“Thanks. Now, you.” Chazz pointed to Jesse Anderson, who was now quakin’ in his boots and puffy Blue coat.

“That card… it’s not real, y’all!”

“It saved us a lot of writing time thanks to that stupid Marauding Captains scene, but it was funny, so it was worth it!!” explained Chazz.

“Uh, o…okay?” Jesse Anderson sheepishly stepped out from the shadows and faced Chazz like a man. A real wimpy man. “Eh, duel?”

(Jess: 4000 Life Points, Chazz: 4000 Life Points)

“Hmm, I REALLY wish I brought mah’ Crystal Beast deck, but I’ll just make due with this…”

“STOP MAKING REFERENCES TO THE FUTURE!!”

“Yeep! I activate two copies of Fiend’s Sanctuary!” Two cool bubbly mean token monsters appeared! “Then I sacrifice both of ‘em for this here Zoa!” An ugly blue guy with dumb horns and spines placed randomly around his body appeared!

“GRR!!” Zoa growled. (Zoa: 2600 Attack Points)

“Next I set two mo’ cards face-down, and I’ll call it a turn, y’all,” Jesse decided, placing two Spells/Traps onto the field.

 

“C’mon, Chazz, I reckon you ‘kin do it!” Billy Hills supported!

“I was going to say that before he did, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson reported!

“Okay, draw!” announced Chazz, drawing. He drew Ojama Yellow. “Hell no!”

“Heck yes, Boss!” Ojama Yellow said, thankfully without that accursed theme music.

“I said, HELL NO!! DIE!” Chazz summoned Ojama Yellow in Defense Mode.

“Aw, man!” Ojama Yellow whined. (Ojama Yellow: 1000 Defense Points) Chazz also set down two Traps.

“You got’m on da’ ropes, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson shouted.

“Ojama Yellow ‘kin do it too, I reckon!”

“No he can’t!”

“I reckon, aw.”

 

“Hahahaha, y’all, that is ONE stupid card!” Jesse laughed.

“You’re an idiot! I’ve done this like four times today! You should know what these face-downs are!”

“I don’t care! Yer’ possibly goin’ down! I can’t let Georgia down like this! I play mah face-down: Metalmorph!” A Trap card of a creepy robot man appeared, solidifying Zoa in metal goop! (Zoa: 2900 Attack Points) “Next, now I can tribute my Zoa, since I have Metalmorph, to summon METAL ZOA!!” Zoa turned into a robot man himself. (Metal Zoa: 3000 Attack Points) Now, I’m sure that many of you consider that turn to be useless. I reckon you’re right. “It is NOT useless! I play my OTHER Trap card, Call of the Haunted, to bring back mah ORIGINAL Zoa!” And so in a haze of creepy smoke, original flavor Zoa appeared. Heh, original flavor! Man, I’m funny.

Ha! You’re screwed! You’re gonna ,lose!” Hallucinatory-Jaden laughed!

“Shut up, and DIE, HALLUCINATORY KID!!” Jesse raged! “Zoa, use SHINY LASER X-ATTACK!!” Zoa’s horns turned bright green, and then they shot out a big X-shaped laser beam! How random is THAT?! Ojama Yellow was hit and exploded.

“Ow!!” cried Ojama Yellow.

“OJAMA YELLOW, HUH, I RECKON, HUH!!” screamed Those Two.

“Now, Metal Zoa, use ROBOT SHINY LASER X-ATTACK!!” Jesse’s robot guy fired a ROBOTIC X-shaped laser at Chazz, and it connected.

“Ow,” Chazz said. (Chazz: 1000 Life Points) “Crap! Crap crap crap…” Chazz sniffled a bit and put his head down.

 

“Aw, whassa matter, kid?” Jesse mocked. “Are ya’ doin’ the thing JADEN did in the first few episodes?”

Together with the power of him and his friends, Chazz, Deep-Voice Dobbson and Billy Hills all responded: HUH, YES, I RECKON SO, HUH!!!

“E-eh?! What’s up with this… ‘doom-y’ music?” Jesse asked, feeling scared.

“I activate the card, Inferno Tempest!!” Chazz’s face-down card, which was not a Trap, flipped face-up, showing an army of men facing down a massive, flamin’ meteor comin’ straight for them. “This card can be activated when I take 3000 or more damage from one attack! And since I just have, all monsters in our decks are removed from play!”

“What’s the point?” Jesse asked.

“You’ll see.” Both kids haphazardly threw their tradin’ cards onto the floor, signifyin’ that they were removed from the game. “Now, I’m about to take over your title as… what’s your title?”

“Super Game-King.”

“I’m about to become that and take over this school, right now! I play Chaos End!” Chazz played a card featurin’ a tiki head or tree of some sort, and the end of the world. “If I have at least seven cards removed from play, your monsters are destroyed.”

“Yeah, huh!” cheered Deep-Voice Dobbson.

Both versions of Zoa turned all crackly and stuff and broke into a bunch of pieces. “Aw, crap,” Jesse cursed, realizing how much he was about to lose.

“Next, my second Trap card: Return From the Different Dimension!” It was a card with a warrior lady, a flying rat, a lion-man hybrid manticore, warrior man, and giant orca base of operations falling from the sky. (Chazz: 500 Life Points) “I pay half of my Life Points in order to summon all the removed from play monsters I choose!” A massive storm started brewin’ above, which meant so crazy stuff was ‘bout to go down. Two angry masked demons, a fighter who fights with discs, a skull knight who never got top billing, the robot crab from before, and Ojama Yellow all descended like angels, ugly, ugly angels.

“I’m back, baby!” Ojama Yellow growled!

“Attack, all of you! Ojama Yellow! Gemini Imps, Disc Fighter, Skull Knight #2, and KA-2 Des Scissors!” Ojama Yellow floated over and slapped Jesse Anderson in the face.

“Ungh!” Ojama Yellow grunted, doing no damage. Then the Gemini Imps pushed their claws through Jesse’s heart and brain, Disc Fighter’s discs were thrown and cut through his arms, Skull Knight #2 swung his sword through Jesse vertically, and the crab-bot snipped at his finger.

“AAAAAAHH, MY FINGER!!” Jesse cried, but it was only an illusion, and he was okay. “… Aw, damn holograms!” (Jesse: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“YEW DID IT, HUH, CHAZZ, I RECKON!!” shouted Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson!

“Was there any doubt?” Chazz asked, full of himself.

“Eh~ yes~” said somebody. It was SeaweedMan!

“Aw, not you again!” Chazz complained!

“Oh dangit, the PRINCIPAL saw us all lose!” Jesse whined, running away and jumping on top of the pile of defeated duelists.

“Yes~ It’s me again~ SeaweedMan~” SeaweedMan said, for those of you who did not get it.

 

“Why’s he covered in sea weed, I reckon?” Billy Hills asked innocently.

“Because I drew Chazz all the way over to the Southern United States to put his major plan into action~”

“What are you talkin’ about?” Chazz asked not-innocently.

“Don’t you want to take over the world~ Of dueling~ Also take these coats and wear them~” SeaweedMan tossed Chazz, Billy Hills, and Deep-Voice Dobbson fashionable black coats.

“Oh, thanks.” They put them on. “But why would I?”

“Order some kid around~”

“Oh, okay.” Chazz turned to one kid he beat earlier. “Get me a thing.”

“Uh, okay, Super Game-King Chazz!” The kid ran away and got Chazz a plushie in the shape of the number ‘2’.

“Hey, that was kinda fun!” Chazz thought.

“So~ What would you tell people to do if you could control every duelist in the world~?” SeaweedMan challenged.

“Hmm…” Chazz had a vision.

 

“WAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!” he laughed, sitting upon a throne of flames! “ALL OF YOU, GIVE ME A THING! MUHUHAHAHAHAHA!!” And as he laughed maniacally, he was quickly covered in new ‘2’ plushies given by the entire world.

 

“Hmm… I like it. But just who are you, anyways?”

“Give me a moment for the drama~ You, Chazz, are now the strongest duelist in all of southern Georgia~ Now you are going to represent North Academy against Japan’s Kaibaland Duel Academy~ If you win, we gain control of the most major Japanese dueling school in the world of Japan~ After that, you can raise your own army of duelists to take over the next school, and then the next~ Soon enough, you’ll have big enough of a fighting force that REGULAR armies will bow down to you~ And then, after the world falls… I can have all the ice cream I could eat~”

“You’re just in it for the ice cream?” Chazz asked.

“Yes~ At least you can do whatever you want with everything else in the known universe, so you have nothing to lose~”

“Hmm…” Chazz turned to his friends. “Well, if I win, we get Duel Academy Japan. If I lose, then they get us. What do you think, you two?”

“I reckon do it.”

“Huh, yeah, huh.”

“Okay.” Chazz turned back to SeaweedMan. “Now, remove your sea weed and I’ll tell you my descision.

“Alright, but you’ll be shocked~” SeaweedMan took off his sea weed… and had more underneath. “That’s all there is to it, sea weed~”

“Oh, well that’s a rip-off. Let’s take over the world!” But SeaweedMan turned around from Chazz.

 

“Are you sure that you’re ready~ You’ll have to face the strongest duelist of Kaibaland Duel Academy, and he’s probably going to be someone you know~”

“The strongest, huh?” Chazz thought. Hallucinatory-Jaden appeared again.

Hey, I’m gonna beat you up!” Hallucinatory-Jaden joked. “Just kidding, you lost to Bastion and want to kill him now, right?

Yeah,” Hallucinatory-Bastion said, “I’m a-gonna bust you up again, sucka!

“I think I know who it is, and I have a bone to pick with him,” Chazz sighed. “So this means that now I have a fifty-man fighting force under me, and I get to fight my self-chosen rival? Perfect.”

“And the way you put it, you lost to him~”

“WHAT?!” Chazz roared, angry that anybody would think of him as a loser.

“You have a ‘bone to pick’~ In this universe, that means you want a re-match~ You were obvious~ But you can lead them all to vicory~” SeaweedMan pointed to the fifty kids who were now surrounding Chazz, bowin’ to him like a golden statue of gold.

“We are not worthy… we are not worthy…” they chanted.

“This is gettin’ a lil’ WEIRD, I RECKON!!” Billy Hills freaked out!

“ALL OF YOU LOW-LIVES, LISTEN UP!!” Chazz shouted! “I WILL BE THE ONE TO FINALLY DEFEAT THE ANNOYANCE THAT IS BASTION MISAWA! AND THEN NOBODY SHALL BE ABLE TO DEFEAT ME, FOR I WILL BE INVINCIBLE!!!”

“YEEEEEEAH!!” shouted the fifty worshippers!

“Psst, hey Billy, huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson whispered, “does that make sense?”

“Naw,” Billy Hills responded, “but I reckon the duelist he’s gonna duel is Jaden Yuki, but at least now we all have cool coats.”

“Not me,” Ojama Yellow sobbed, because he didn’t get a cool black coat. But nobody seemed to care, because now Chazz was as hell-bent on world devastation as his brothers, who were big jerks.

“WATCH OUT, MISAWA! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAAH!!”

 

And that. Is the story. Of what Chazz. Was doing. When he was gone. The end.

 

 

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Aha ha ha! Episode 23 has to be one of my top pics for YGOGXTFF. Ah, Captain Salty, you never fail.

 

On another, trollfull, note;

Counter Clause! The Jack Witt Clause does not validate personal insults. "This fanfic is bad" is ok, since it might be. "You are a worthless piece of sh't" is not valid.

 

Hmmm... Y'know troll, WR Senpai can report you at anytime. :3

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Well, anyways, here's Ep 25, one of my favorites, and as we speak I'm gearing up for an episode lister.

 

AND WATCH OUT, CAPTAIN SALTY'S UP FOR REVENGE!! Because he's not who he seems... even though he already revealed who he is...

 

[spoiler=Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic: Episode 25: The School Duel - Part One]

Episode 25: The School Duel – Part One

 

We open to the deepest, darkest, coldest parts of Southern Georgia one night in the snowy mountains, as we all know how much snow we have there, all the time, in an Old West-y base of operations. Fires were set all around the inside of the western mini-town. As we pan in closer, we see Chazz Princeton, standing on a statue of himself. “NOW, WHO’S GOING TO WIN TOMORROW?!” he asked the crowd of students, adoring him far below in the light of the bonfires.

“CHAZZ!!” they thunderously responded.

“WHO’S GOING TO BEAT EVERYONE?!” Chazz asked again.

“CHAZZ!!” they told him.

“AND,” SeaweedMan asked, standing next to Chazz, “WHO OF YOU THINKS THAT CHAZZ IS NOW WORTHY OF THIS SCHOOL’S MOST PRIZED DECK~”

“AAAAAAAAAAYE!!!” the kids said. SeaweedMan handed Chazz a special, albeit normal-looking deck.

“Chazz, this deck holds all of my hopes and dreams~ Of ice cream~ This deck will always be a symbol of Georgia, the peach state of the union, which will soon encompass the earth under your rule~”

“I always thought it was the PEANUT state!” Chazz gasped!

“It CAN be when you RULE THE WORLD~”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” the crowd supported

“I AM THE BEST!!” Chazz screamed to the heavens! “WAAAAH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” And he and the audience were as one, massive, globe-conquering mob. Meanwhile, in the saloon, Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson watched this all unfold from a window, drinking their nice, cool mugs of Budwisser-brand milk.

“I reckon I remember when he didn’t even know HOW to rule the world,” Billy Hills reminisced.

“I’m so proud of him, huh, Billy, huh,” said Deep-Voice Dobbson. They clinked their plastic mugs together in agreement.

 

“CHAZZ!! CHAZZ!! CHAZZ!!” the crowd chanted, repeatedly showing their reverence to their false idol.

“CHAZZ IS LIFE!!” one kid screamed!

“DUEL ACADEMY IS MINE!! THE STUDENTS WILL BECOME LIKE YOU, ALL SET STRAIGHT UPON THE PATH OF CHAZZ!! ALL THOSE WHO DISAGREE WILL BURN IN THE FIREY PITS OF REPENTANCE!! AND NOW, WHO IS WITH ME?”

“WE ARE!!!!” shouted the audience. They began working their way around bonfires and struggling to climb up the statue of Chazz to get to Chazz. “PLEASE, SAFEGUARD US!!” they begged! “DON’T LET ANYBODY ELSE LOOK DOWN UPON US EVER AGAIN, EXCEPT FOR YOU, THE ONLY REAL POWER LEFT IN THE UNIVERSE!! PLEASE, PROTECT US!!”

“This is what TRUE power feels like!” Chazz laughed! “IT’S TIME TO GET WHAT I DESERVE!!”

 

Meanwhile on DUEL ACADEMY ISLAND, Jaden was busy in the Duel Dome summoning Burstinatrix! “I SUMMON BURSTINATRIX!!” Jaden yelled! He summoned Burstinatrix. She flew around the camera in an irritating fashion before standing there, like a good Burstinatrix should.

“Hoo-yah!” she said, as usual. (Burstinatrix: 1200 Attack Points)

“Then I summon Clayman!” Clayman appeared. (Clayman: 800 Attack Points) “And Sparkman!” Sparkman appeared. (Sparkman: 1600 Attack Points) “Aaaaaand… Bubbleman!” Bubbleman appeared.

“What about me?” asked Avian, appearing without being asked to.

“Go away. I didn’t summon you, yo.”

“Aw…” Avian left with a thousand tears.

“And with THESE four awesome monsters, I’ll DEFINITELY beat that NORTH ACADMEY BUMPKIN!!”

“Um, Jay, we were in a duel,” Syrus said, with his weird helicopter-train on the field. “Also you cheated.”

“WHO CARES ATTACK!!” All four of his monsters attacked directly, cheating and winning the duel. (Syrus: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Aw man, you always do that to me. Not really, but all times after episode seven or something.”

“Who cares, Syrus!” Mann McOldsmobile asked rudely, entering the scene! “You guys, hurry! They’re having the ‘Welcome North Academy Bumpkins’ meet-and-greet!”

“Who cares about THAT, yo?” Jaden asked, un-excited.

“THEY HAVE SNACKS.”

 

And with that, the four teleported to the docks, where everybody was waiting for people to board off of a submarine that had pulled onto the pier. There was also a small snack table, but Koala Ko Ala already eaten everything before going back to his room to sleep. SeaweedMan had stepped off of the submarine-docking system and onto the scene with some kids. He shook hands with Chancellor Shepherd, who was in fact standing nearby. “Hello, Shepherd~ Remember our bet~” asked SeaweedMan.

“Why yes, you seaweed-covered man, I do,” Shepherd said, as if it were a good joke. “And now, let’s see who you’ve chosen to fight for you THIS year—”

“YOOOOO!!” Jaden shouted, getting in the way. “The snack table got jacked, so now all I wanna do is see who I’m duelin’ for this ‘school dool’ thing. Don’t tell me no, ‘cause I’ve had TOO MUCH disappointment today.”

“It’s me!”

“Huh?” Jaden looked around. He saw the group of cool black-coats, made up of Chazz, Billy Hills, Deep-Voice Dobbson, and Kidvoice, as everybody loves him. Jesse Anderson was standing off to the side. “Hmm…” Jaden looked closely at Jesse Anderson. “Are you going to become an important character soon enough, yo?”

“In two years, after I start usin’ mah signature ‘Crystal Beast’ deck, y’all,” Jesse said.

“Oh, cool!”

“No, THAT’S not your opponent.” Jaden turned to Billy Hills, who was wearing his fashionable coat.

“Woah! What a snazzy coat!” Jaden complimented.

“NOT THE COAT.”

“Billy Hills?”

“NO!!”

“Deep-Voice Dobbson?” Jaden asked, pointing to Chazz Princeton.

NO!!” Chazz punched Jaden in the face. “I’M CHAZZ PRINCETON, N00B!!”

“Ow! Hey, I remember you!” Jaden exclaimed! “You’re… Zazz, right?”

CHAZZ!!

“Ooooh, Chazz, Chazz, I remember now,” Jaden remembered. “I thought you were going to take over the world with your brothers! When’d you go to Georgia?”

“WHEN I FELT LIKE IT!!”

“You tryin’ to give Chazz trouble?” Kidvoice asked sternly, in his kid-voice.

“Uh, no, I just forgot who Chazz was.”

“YOU FORGOT CHAZZ?!” Jesse gasped! “I can’t BE-LIEVE IT!! YOU CAN’T JUST GO ‘ROUND, FORGETTIN’ CHAZZ!!”

“Save it,” Chazz ordered, “and get me Misawa. There’s no way he COULDN’T be the guy I’m supposed to duel today.”

“No, actually we had a tie match, and that let me fight you,” Jaden explained.

“You… TOOK OVER THE SPOT OF MY ETERNAL RIVAAAAAAL?!?!” Chazz screamed! “KILL HIM!!” Kidvoice and Jesse started choking Jaden!

“Ow, this kinda hurts!”

“Shouldn’t you tell them to stop~” asked SeaweedMan.

“No,” Shepherd responded, “you know our killing people policy. It’s okay here. As long as it saves money.”

 

Suddenly helicopters descended from the sky, blowing Kidvoice and Jesse away! “Saved by ‘da bell, yo!” Jaden joked…? The helicopters landed on some unlucky idiots on the nearby helipad, and out of their doors came Zazz and Slade Princeton!

“Hi, little brother!” Slade welcomed in his irritating voice! “How are you doing? We are FINE.”

“Ugh, not them!” Chazz gulped! “Zazz, with his noogies of pain and suffering, and Slade, with the voice an adult would only use when talking to a two year-old! They REALLY irritate me…”

“Come on, lil’ bro, don’t introduce us like that!” Slade suggested. “Please, we just want to help you!”

“Help me HOW?” The two brothers walked up to Chazz and placed their hands on his shoulders.

“You want to rule the world by yourself, huh?” Zazz asked, with his square-ish hair. “We can respect that!”

“Really?” As soon as Chazz had asked, the entire island was covered in cables and film equipment. “Uh…”

 

“Cool!” Jaden’s face was getting squished because a man was pushing his camera into his face. “What’s up with this?”

“We’re going to be broadcasting Chazz’s victory all over the entire world, in order to tell EVERYONE: Yo! Don’t mess with Chazz! He’ll eat you and rape your dog!” Zazz explained graphically.

“D-don’t say that last part, bro…”

“NO WAY!” Jaden exclaimed, as dozens of copies of his face were seen inside of the nearby TV van, to the editors’ horror. “ME ON TV?! PEOPLE WILL SEE ME EVERYWHERE AROUND THE WORLD?!”

 

IN HI-DEF?!” he asked as his face appeared on the screen in Times Square, New York, causing mass panic and hysteria.

 

FULL-COLOR?!” he asked as his face appeared inside of a cinema, interrupting a movie, and making the audience suffer heart attacks.

 

Soon enough, later on in a locker room, Chazz sat with his brothers on a bench. “So, really, what’s the deal?” he asked.

“We’re really just trying to help you,” Zazz explained, “SeaweedMan told us about your domination and subsequent take-over of everybody in North Academy, and we believe that if you got THOSE stupid kids under your command, what about the REST of the world?”

“You guys would NEVER support me and my endeavors!” Chazz said. “I know you people.”

“Well,” Slade said, “after we realized that it’s both impossible to own all the money in the world OR become the President or Prime Minister of every country in the world, we decided that you taking over Duel Monsters would be the best bet.”

“LOOK!!” shouted Zazz, slamming his fists on the bench! “You tried running away from your duty of ruling Duel Academy when you dropped out! What made you think that you could get away with it?!”

“But you both really didn’t care when that happened!”

BECAUSE WE’RE STUPID!!” the older Princeton bros. shouted in unison!

“But you see, lil’ bro, you’re not ALLOWED to run away anymore,” Slade said, taking over again. “You, the smallest Princeton brother, aren’t allowed to give up as easily as you already have. Here.” He gave a stunned Chazz a briefcase full of trading cards! “These are the most expensive, shiniest Duel Monster cards we could buy! You CAN’T lose with these, unless you really are a WORTHLESS DUELIST. Go ahead, use them today.”

Damn it, Chazz thought, stressed, that voice is really scary when he’s being malicious.

“Now duel and win, Chazz, and take over this stupid world,” Zazz ordered. Chazz sheepishly picked up the case and walked out the door with them. Outside he met up with Deep-Voice Dobbson and Billy Hills.

“Hey, Chazz, I reckon you’re ready?” Billy Hills asked.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” Chazz sighed.

 

The trio walked through the halls, without incident, until they passed by Bastion, Baseball Bob, Piggybank, and Fluffy Fred. “Bastiooooon~” Piggybank said in her cutest voice, wiggling her piggy ears, “are you sure you know where you left it? I NEED it.”

“Don’t worry Piggybank,” Bastion urged, sweating profusely, “it’s right on my bed! I know for sure… oh, hey Chazz. Nice matching coats.” Chazz and his two friends turned to them all.

“What’s wrong, KID?” Fluffy Fred asked, putting on his best “yakuza” face. “Keep walkin’, he just complimented ya’ on your matchin’ coats. Keep movin’.”

“Fred, they aren’t doing anything,” Baseball Bob said.

“Well… what if they DO?! Besides, YOU never do anything AT ALL!!”

“I know…”

“Bastion,” Chazz said.

“What?” asked all four members of the Bastion Baseball Wreckers Gang.

“…Nice pin.” Chazz and his two guys walked away from Bastion and his ‘Baseball King’ pin.

 

“Oh, Misawa, my apprentice!” Crowler gasped, running up to Bastion. “What are you doing out here? You should be inside the Duel Dome, trying to figure out some OTHER way to defeat Jaden YUCKY without killing him, almost like last time!”

What? Is that?!

“Oh, sorry, Crowler,” Bastion responded, “but I need to get Piggybank’s lucky silver dollar. The science of memory says that ‘if you saw something fall somewhere then you know that it’s there’! It’s basic psychology!”

“Ugh, do you REALLY have to do everything everyone asks of you now that you’re an Obelisk?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Fine, fine, just hurry up. Oh, hello, Chazz,” greeted Crowler as it rushed past Chazz and towards the Duel Dome. Both remaining parties went in different directions.

“Hey, Chazz,” Billy Hills said, shocked, “I reckon that was yer’ mom! She just flat-out ignored you, I reckon!”

“We should give her a piece of our collective minds, huh, Chazz, huh!” suggested Deep-Voice Dobbson!

 

A couple of tears fell onto the recently-mopped floors. “Shut up, you two,” Chazz ordered coldly. “Let’s just go.”

“Yo, Chazz, what’s wrong?” asked Jaden, as he ran by, turned back, and stood near Chazz out of concern.

“STAY OUT OF THIS.” Chazz pushed Jaden away in fury!

“Well, okay, yo, but get better, ‘kay? We gotta match, so don’t let feeble emotions cloud your judgment!” Jaden ran off for fun and adventure, as Chazz felt a deep humiliation.

 

As that happened, inside the locker room, Zazz and Slade were jumping up and down with excitement! “Boy, this couldn’t have gone better if we’d PLANNED it!” Slade cheered!

“I know, right?” Zazz asked rhetorically! “It’ll probably take just a few weeks for the rest of the dueling world to submit to Chazz once they see his absolute victory over some ‘Yu’ kid, and a few weeks after that for Chazz to gain their dominance! Then we just run up to him and noogie him until he gives it all to us!”

“Then we take over everything without even having to raise a finger!!” Slade laughed!

“BEST DAY EVER!!”

 

Chazz with his briefcase and two friends entered the Duel Dome to the delight of several hundred cheering students. “WOOOOO, A DUELIST!!” they shouted!

“Alright, all of you,” said an annoying director with a loudspeaker, “smile! Smile for the camera, everybody can see you! Make them think you’re not mentally screwed up in the least!”

“Heh heh heh,” cruelly laughed the camera man, who used his movie camera to take some close-ups of a boy picking his nose. He was seen by the entire world, and would go on to become the internet meme, ‘The Nose-Picking Nerd’.

“CHAZZ IS LIFE!!” shouted the North Academy group, taking over a large section of the seating with their puffy coats. “CHAZZ IS LOVE!! CHAZZ IS ALL!!”

“Uh, okay,” said a kid from Duel Academy.

“So, SeaweedMan,” Shepherd said, in the teacher’s seating area, “we’re clear on the bet this year?”

“Of course~ I’m looking forward to taking this school for my own~ Southern Georgia is too cold for me~”

“And you had BETTER give me what I want when we win,” Shepherd grinned with a growl. “Jaden won’t be losing today, he has ‘Yu’ in his name!”

“What does that have to do with it~” asked SeaweedMan.

“I dunno, it just kinda works,” supposed Shepherd.

 

“So Jay,” Syrus asked, near the bottom of the stage with Jaden, Koala Ko Ala, and Mann McOldsmobile, “you’re fighting your rival in the match of the year to date. How do you feel?”

“Meh.”

“M-m-m-MEH?!” Syrus repeated.

“Yeah, meh.”

“Dude, you’re usually sayin’ ‘gonna get mah game on, yo! Watch out, yo, ‘cuz I’m psyched, yo’!” Koala Ko Ala stated.

“I’ve only known you for a few days, and even I know that,” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“Well, yeah, but Chazz is kinda… hey, why didn’t that duck say ‘boo’ to Koala Ko Ala?” Jaden asked.

“What duck?”

“The one we met in episode four.” Jaden pointed off-screen. We pan in on a duck. “Watch: get your game on—”

“BOO,” someone said. And we ALL know who SOMEONE is.

“Ha ha ha ha, that’s hi-larious!” Mann McOldsmobile laughed!

“Not when it happens every day,” Syrus Sy-ed.

“Who cares?” Koala Ko Ala asked. “Get on in there!” He pushed Jaden on-stage.

“Woah!”

 

Chancellor Shepherd shouted over the microphone! The kids cheered.

“Hello~ I’m Principal SeaweedMan~ Because in America, we have more Principals that Chancellors~ Now, we’re going to have a big duel here today~ So everybody get ready~”

“Okay okay that’s enough,” Shepherd groaned, quickly snatching the mic from SeaweedMan. “Now, Dr. Crowler, will you please introduce these duelists whom we already know of?”

“Oh, okay,” it complied, running onto the stage. “On this side, the right side, is Chazz Princeton!” Crowler introduced, as the Chazz-meister himself walked on-stage.

“CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZ!!” said the North Academy duelists, who were quite hot and sweaty in their puffy coats, and frankly uncomfortable.

“And over on this side,” Crowler shouted, pointing to Jaden Yuki, “is that Jaden kid.”

“Yo, everybo—”

“Now hold on just a minute, I’m gonna let you finish, but BASTION MISAWA IS ONE OF THE BEST DUELISTS OF ALL TIME! He should be up there, and not YOU! Okay, duel.” Crowler rushed off the stage.

“DUEL!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Chazz: 4000 Life Points)

 

“Okay!” Jaden shouted! “I’m starting THIS one off with INSPIRATIONAL music!” Jaden drew his card, and—

“Stop right there!” ordered Chazz! He looked at the camera that some camera guy was practically shoving into his face. “Now see here, everybody! You Duel Academy kids may think, ‘oh, that’s just Chazz, he’s okay at dueling, but he’s still useless’.”

“I never thought that, huh, Chazz, huh!”

“Me neither, I reckon!”

“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!! You who have forsaken me, I have returned! From America! And look at North Academy!” Chazz moved out of the way and pointed the camera to the North Academy students, who were all wearing Chazz wigs. “They are moved by me! They worship me! All of you, proclaim your worship!!”

“He’s gonna Chazz you up, Jaden!” a guy promised!

“Chazz it up!” one guy shouted.

“Chazz it up!” a girl shouted.

“CHAZZ IT UP!! CHAZZ IT UP!!” The entire audience had caught on!

“SAY IT AGAIN!!” Chazz ordered!

“CHAZZ IT UP! CHAZZ IT UP! CHAZZ IT UP!”

“Okay, that’s enough.”

“CHAZZ IT UP! CHAZZ IT UP!”

“STOP.”

“OKAY!!”

“What a cult,” Alexis groaned.

“WE LOVE YOU CHAZZ!!”

“I’d rather a bunch of sweaty men didn’t say that, but who cares!”

“OH YEAH!!”

 

Chazz whirled around to face Jaden again. “Now, Jaden, become a stepping-stone on my way to destroying Misawa! AND RULING THE WORLD!!”

“Hee hee,” laughed Chazz’s brothers.

“Draw!” Chazz exclaimed, drawing a card!

“YEAAAAAH!! CHAZZ IT UP!! CHAZZ IT UP!!”

“SHUT UP!! YOUR VOICES ARE INFURIATING ME!!” Chazz summoned a creepy dragon with a mask onto the field. “I summon Masked Dragon in Defense Mode!” (Masked Dragon: 1100 Defense Mode) “Gimme your best shot, Jaden!”

“Okay, maybe I won’t! ‘Cause I summon Burstinatrix, yo, in Attack Mode, yo!” Jaden’s fire-related hero appeared! (Burstinatrix: 1200 Attack Points) “Oops, maybe I shoulda’ said ‘FLARE Mode’, heh, because that’s what she’s gonna do to that dragon, G!”

“UGH,” groaned the world-wide audience.

“BOO,” someone said.

“H-hey you, get a close-up o’ that talkin’ duck ova’ there!” ordered a TV producer to a cameraman. The camera zoomed into the mysterious duck’s face.

“WOAH, WHAT A GREAT DUCK,” marveled the audience.

“Not my fault you peeps don’t get my COMEDY GOLD!!” Burstinatrix summoned a fireball in-between her palms and threw it at Masked Dragon! The dragon obviously exploded.

 

“Oh, wow!” Syrus exclaimed! “Jaden just defeated a monster! How regular!”

“You realize that it accomplished nothing, right?” asked Alexis, who was apparently sitting next to him.

“I’m also sitting next to her, too!” Bastion told the home audience.

 

“Thanks, Jaden, since you killed my dragon, I can use his ability to summon a Dragon-type monster from my deck!” Chazz said! “I CHOOSE ARMED DRAGON LEVEL THREE!!” A pink and orange dragon baby with minimal armor appeared. (ADLv3: 1300 Attack Points)

“CHAZZ IT UP!! CHAZZ IT UP!!”

“OKAY, SHUT UP YOU GUYS, AND YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO CHEER FOR THE REST OF THE MATCH!!” Chazz ordered!

“…We’re sorry.”

 

“Wow, he just summoned a monster, big whoop,” Alexis said, unconvinced of CERTAIN DOOM?!

“Well, if my known Science of Dueling is correct,” Bastion thought, “then Chazz has something up his sleeve…”

“Shouldn’t it be called psychology, instead of science, according to how you use it? It doesn’t make sense.”

“DON’T EXPLAIN THE JOKE, ALEXIS!!” shouted Bastion!

“…What joke?”

 

“What is THAT?!” Chancellor Shepherd gasped! “Is that… one of the cards from your school’s legendary deck you bought for sixty dollars?!”

“Why yes~ Yes it is~” SeaweedMan replied.

“Well that’s HORRIBLE!! You can’t just give Chazz that LEGENDARY deck that any kid could’ve made! It’s just not right!”

“Actually there are no rules against it~”

“But it’s legendary!” Shepherd shouted, standing up with rage! “I’ll stop this trick, COLD!” He turned his attention to Jaden! “C’mon, lad! JADEN it up! JADEN it up!”

“Stop, teach!” Jaden ordered! “That’s so stupid it feels offensive!”

“Aw…”

“Anyways, Chazz, what ELSE can that DRAGON o’ yours do, huh? I’m excited to see what you’re gonna do with it!”

“You’d better be excited!” Chazz said! “It’s time to end this duel!”

“But it just started, yo!”

“I KNOW!” Chazz drew a card! But who cares, because the baby dragon began ripping apart like paper!

 

“Uh, what’s goin’ on wit’ yo baby?” Jaden asked.

“During my Standby Phase,” Chazz explained, “my Level Three dragon becomes Level Five!” The baby exploded into a much doomier red and black dragon, who had several spiky blades all over it body. (ADLv5: 2400 Attack Points)

“Aw, shizz-nit. That guy’s pretty…”

“Big? Scary?”

“AWESOME!!” Jaden corrected! “I can’t WAIT to beat it up!!”

“…You just don’t GET IT, Jaden!!” Chazz shouted, INSTANTLY ENDING THE MUSIC! No literally, stop the music! HURRY! “You don’t always WIN in this show, you have to LOSE in order to PROGRESS YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS!!

“Dude, what’re you talkin’ about? You just stopped mah mad jams! Why?”

“Because, you’re always doin’ whatever you want to, pulling everybody into your own OH-SO PERSONAL STRUGGLES!!” Chazz vented.

“…Y’mean like my… tough times?” Jaden slyly asked.

“Yeah.”

“And my… hard climbs?”

“WE’LL TAKE ‘EM ON TOGETHAH!!” the crowd sang.

“Grrr… STOP SINGING THAT STUPID SONG!! YOUR COLLECTIVE VOICES ARE… ARE… IRRITATING ME!!” Chazz screamed, gripping his head! “AHHHH, IT’S SO STUUUUUUPIIIIID!!”

 

Heartwarming music played as we cut to Chazz as a four year-old going to pre-school, which was located right across the street from the Coffee Café. “Now, have fun at Pre-K, okay, son?” Crowler asked, in the way that parents often do.

“Mummy, your face is creeping me out,” Chazz said.

“Okay. Goodbye.” Crowler hastily walked away, as if it really didn’t care about its son’s first day at school. EVER. Chazz looked around feeling scared, as he’d never been with other kids ever since the show decided to add him to the cast. There were nice toys, but the kids looked none too friendly.

“Hey,” a kid with glasses said, “I reckon that’s the guy we were tol’ ‘bout!”

“Huh, Billy, huh?!” gasped a kid with a deep voice, who studied a picture of Chazz, with the words ‘WILL TAKE OVER WORLD’. These kids were given the task of making sure that Chazz would never play Duel Monsters, so that they could prevent his world take-over during this current season of Yu-Gi-Oh GX. Because only kids can save the world.

 

“Hey, I reckon you shouldn’t play Duel Monsters,” Billy Hills recommended.

“YAAAAAAAAARGH!!” Chazz, feeling scared and defenseless, picked up Billy Hills and swung him by the feet into Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Ow, huh, what’re we doing again, huh?” asked Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Be my friends or I’ll eat you,” Chazz said.

“Uh, okay, huh, Chazz, I reckon.”

“Hey,” said two twelve year-old-looking businessmen kids, “we’re Slade and Zazz. Wanna become part of the Princeton family so we can exploit you for dueling and world domination?”

“What’s ‘exploits’ mean?” Chazz asked naively.

“It means candy.”

“Yay! Okay!”

 

Then there was another flashback to dinner that night. Chazz and his mom/dad/thing were at the dinner table eating regular foodstuffs. “Hey mum, two big kids made me their brother!” he reported. “They wants to gimme candy and my last name’s ‘Princeton’ now!”

“That’s nice,” sighed Crowler, uncaring.

 

Then there was a third flashback to the night after Chazz got into Duel Academy. He was with the other Obelisk Blues at a prestigious dinner table this time, eating awesome steak next to his dad/mom/thing. “Mum, so whadda ya think of my expert duel today?” he asked, proud of himself that day.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!” growled Crowler, quite loudly! “I just can’t STAND to look back on this day! That, that… YUCKY boy humiliated me! I swear by the Crowler family name that I WILL get that student to RESIGN as soon as possible!”

Well, if I’m not a ‘Crowler’ anymore, it has nothing to do with a Princeton, Chazz thought, feeling ignored and jealous.

 

Lastly came the night he lost to Bastion, once more at dinner, but at the opposite end of the table with Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson. “An’ so, I reckon I beat the kid with a direct attack!” Billy said.

“Huh, wow, huh!” Chazz wasn’t listening. He just saw Crowler laughing and talking with Bastion at the head of the table. Why won’t you try talking me out of leaving the school, mum? he wondered. Shouldn’t you be concerned? Wait a minute, I bet she’s just waiting for the right moment. I’ll wait, and if she talks to me about this before tomorrow, then I’m staying!

 

Chazz stopped freaking out so much, but the music didn’t end yet. That ultimately depends on how long it took you to read those flashbacks, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Aw damn it, Chazz finally realized, my mum sucks! I mean… she let me be used by two weird boys, she lets Jaden get in the way of all our conversations, and she didn’t even stop me from leaving the school, but instead replaced me as her son with Bastion!! What kinda sick mom IS that?!

 

But wait, he thought, struck by brilliance, my connections to her got even WORSE after she lost to JADEN!!

“GAME OOO~N, GET’CHA GAME OO~N, COME ON NOW BETTAH PLAY YO CARDS RIGHT!!” sang the student bodies.

SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!” ordered Chazz!

“…Okay.”

“Jaden… JADEN!!” Chazz growled, more angry than he ever was before in his life, “YOU STOLE MY MUM FROM ME!!”

“Um, why would I want to steal your mom, yo? I don’t play that,” Jaden said.

“EVER SINCE YOU BEAT HER, SHE’S HAD NO TIME FOR ME, HER ONLY SON!!”

“That makes sense,” Jaden said, remembering all those times she was standing outside his window or door.

“I’ve HAD IT!! This duel will show you, finally, around twenty four episodes AFTER we started this, who is the REAL King of Games at THIS school! An—and MY school, too!!”

Hmph, Barry the Beginner ‘hmph-ed’.

 

“But finally, I shall now unveil the reason why the entire student body of North Academy, located in southern Georgia, but not the country, has sworn their allegiance to me!” Chazz promised! “Now during my Standby Phase, my Armed Dragon Level Five—”

Jaden clicked his tongue. “Maaaaan, Chazz, if I went to a school that small, I’d be havin’ all the kids in there as mah bishies by the end of the first day! You ain’t got much credentials, G.”

UUUUUUURGH!! Do you EVER shut up for just THREE SECONDS?!” Chazz exploded! “I ATTACK BURSTINATRIX!! INFERNAL ROA—”

“I use Hero Ring, so my Heroes can’t be killed in battle this turn,” Jaden called, activating a Trap card featuring Flame Wingman standing in front of the sun, because that was the best they could come up with. Burstinatrix gained a small red shield, which didn’t match the name ‘Hero Ring’ at all.

“SON OF A b****!! YOU CAN’T EVEN STOP INTERRUPTING ME FOR AN ATTACK!!” Chazz cried!

“Watch yo’ mouth, yo!”

“I discard some crappy card in order to use my monster’s ability! When I send a card better than YOURS to the Graveyard, I can kill a monster who’s weaker than it!” Chazz explained! “Now, Shrapnel Blast! FEEL MY RAGE!!”

 

But as he thought that, Armed Dragon Level Five stretched out and tensed up. All the metal parts of its body launched out like missiles, leaving awesome red trails in their wake. They all converged into a neat spiraling sphere up above the Duel Dome until they plummeted in a stream of explosive awesomeness into Burstinatrix. Needless to say, she died. Unfortunately, that actually WAS pretty serious… Jaden gulped.

“Now, Infernal Roar FOR REAL!!” Chazz commanded! His dragon inhaled deeply. Flames burned inside up to his gullet. Instead of just breathing it out, the dragon plunged its claws inside the flames until its talons were unbearably hot! Then satisfied, the monster slashed Jaden with both claws, then finally released the rest of the fire pent up inside in one burst! Also needless to say, Jaden got pwned.

 

“WAAAAAGH!!” Jaden screamed, somehow being shot twelve feet into the air. He landed with a satisfying thud. “Uuuuugh…” (Jaden: 1600 Life Points)

“Oh crap, the hologram just killed my student!” Chancellor Shepherd gasped!

“N…not really… teach…” Jaden moaned, standing back up. “But seriously… tell me again why this game isn’t illegal?”

“Because most duelists are masochists, like me,” Syrus called out helpfully.

“Oh yeah.”

“HAHAHAHAAHAH!!” Chazz laughed! “How do you like THAT?!”

“Actually… hey, I guess I AM kinda a masochist!” Jaden realized, finally! “Ha ha! Gimee your best shot!”

“YOU’RE DISGUSTING! I’ll just set a card and end my turn. Just take your turn fast, Mr. S and M.”

 

Heh… heh… actually, that wasn’t really cool, but I can’t let the duelin’ stop just ‘cause o’ some minor injuries! Jaden decided.

 

“Oh boy oh boy,” Zazz said, sitting with Slade in the bleachers, “I can’t WAIT to noogie world domination out of Chazz!”

“That sounds like LOTSA fun!” Slade agreed!

“WAWAWAWAWAHAHAHAHAHARR!!” they laughed evilly!

 

“You’re in trouble now, bro!” Jaden shouted! “’Cause I summon Elemental Hero Bubbleman!” A buncha’ bubbles appeared and popped, revealing Bubbleman, whom I don’t like much. (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points)

“Why am I in so much trouble, ‘bro’?” Chazz asked.

“Because when he’s the only card on my field, I can draw two cards!” Jaden drew two cards. “Now I’ll use’m right now, to fuse Avian, Bubbleman and Sparkman into Elemental Hero Tempest!” Bubbleman suddenly transformed into an orb of blue light! A green one and a yellow one followed suit. They skipped the usual Polymerization sequence, and instead swirled together by themselves! They became the hero with the wings of Avian, the bubble-gun of Bubbleman, and the suit of Sparkman! And he was AWESOME. (Tempest: 2800 Attack Points)

 

“ Now, I’ll use Tempest to kill your Armed Dragon to DEATH, ‘kay?” Jaden’s monster shot out a NUCLEAR BUBBLE at Armed Dragon Level Five!

“Not so fast! I play Negate Attack!” The bubble bounced off of a purple energy barrier and went away for good. “Your attack… is negated!”

“Aw, man!”

“AW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAHH!!” shouted the North Academy students!

“I guess I’ll just end my turn, yo… with a face-down. REMEMBER IT!!”

“GOOD! I discard Despair From the Dark in order to kill your Tempest, as it has 2800 Attack Points!” Chazz discarded a demonic monster random card. Then Tempest exploded, leaving a massive cloud of dust.

“What happened to the missile graphic, yo?”

“I skipped it to do this quickly!”

“Maybe not SO quick, bub, ‘cause I played De-Fusion!” As the dust cleared, Avian, Sparkman and Bubbleman were left standing.

“Hey, gang!” Avian greeted, waving enthusiastically.

“Kill him.” Armed Dragon Level Five stomped on him.

“Avian’s dead AGAIN?! Shoulda’ seen THAT coming…” Jaden lamented.

“Pay less attention to your failure of a hero and MORE attention to my dragon!” Chazz ordered! “It is time for me to unveil the strongest of the Armed Dragons! When Level Five destroys a monster in battle, it levels up ONE MORE TIME!!” Armed Dragon’s skin began tearing again, but as it did, crimson light flooded out into the Duel Dome! The dragon burst, the light faded, and there was a dragon too bulky to fit on the massive stage. Standing at around forty feet tall, it was… “ARMED DRAGON LEVEL SEVEN!!” (ADLv7: 2800 Attack Points)

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” cheered Chazz’s supporters!

 

“That guy’s even HAMMIER than Hammy the Hamster!” a Duel Academy kid cried!

“Who cares ‘bout your stupid hamster?!” Jesse Anderson ordered! “Chazz’s gonna HAM it up, in that case!”

“Yeah, ham it up!”

“Ham it up, y’all!”

“HAM IT UP!! HAM IT UP!! HAM IT UP!!”

STOP!!” Chazz ordered.

“HAM IT… up?” The crowd simmered down.

 

“That’s odd,” Zazz thought, “that card wasn’t in the suitcase we gave Chazz!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“You mean you checked all the cards and everything?”

“Yeah, Slade!”

“I guess we should stop getting Chazz those ‘200-card E-Bay Grab Bags’, huh?”

“Where’d he get it, I wonder?”

“Hmm?”

“Hmm?”

“Hmm?”

“Hmm?”

 

“Hmm~” SeaweedMan sighed. “Chazz is about to win~”

“What?!” Chancellor Shepherd gasped! “Where did you even GET that card?!”

“It cost around twenty dollars, but it was worth every penny~”

“It’s UNHEARD OF to pay THAT MUCH for a TRADING CARD!!” Shepherd raged, grabbing him by the collar! “That should be ILLEGAL!!” He let go and turned his attention back to Jaden! “Hurry up, lad! JADEN HIM UP!!”

“You’re a fool~”

 

“So Jaden, what do you have to say NOW, since I’ve just summoned my giant-metal-death-dragon?” Chazz asked.

“I gotta say, SWEETNESS!” Jaden cried! “Can I trade you? I’ll give you Winged Kuri—”

“No! What’s wrong with you?”

“There’s nuthin’ wrong, yo, this is just the TIGHTEST duel I’ve had ALL YEAR!” Jaden explained! “The sense of danger! The revelations of your past! You and I, pullin’ out all ‘da stops to try an’ trump the other guy as fast as possible! It’s just amazin’, yo!”

“What kind of fool are you?” Chazz insulted! “You shouldn’t be analyzing the fun factor! You should be analyzing every way you can think of to totally crush your opponent! You need the drive to win! Discipline! Duty! I HAVE those! I’m fighting for total world domination! I’ve been sent all around the world because of this drive, leading to discipline, and the duty I’ve made for myself to be the best in the universe! What have YOU done in YOUR life to prepare for this moment?”

“Heh heh, you said ‘duty’.”

“THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“I dunno, but I’m summoning Wroughtweiler in Defense Mode and throwin’ down a face-down!”A robo-dog buddy and a Trap appeared. (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“Why can’t you stop with the catch-phrases for just ONE TURN?! I have a GIANT METAL DEATH DRAGON STANDING BEHIND ME!! Doesn’t that give you some sense of URGENCY or something?!”

“Nah, nope, nada, it’s just a game, yo.”

“I discard Armed Dragon Level Three to use my dragon’s ability! It’s the same as before, except it wipes out ALL of your weaker monsters!” Chazz yelled, throwing away a weak card.

“WOO-HOO!!” cheered Zazz and Slade, hi-fiving each other!

“OH NOES!!” Shepherd sobbed!

“Oh YEAH~” SeaweedMan countered!

“That is ONE IMPRESSIVE SPECIAL POWER,” Zane noted, sitting next to Koala Ko Ala and Mann MCOldsmobile.

A terribly unsettled Mann McOldsmobile scooted up to Koala Ko Ala and whispered in his ear, “Uh, Koala Ko Ala… WHO THE HECK IS THIS GUUUUUUUY?!?!

 

And yet, Jaden didn’t say anything.

 

But with impressive blade-related sounds, large swords were instantaneously teleported into and through the bodies of Sparkman, Bubbleman and Wroughtweiler, quickly dispatching them. “DANG, that was violent!” Jaden gasped! “Well, at least when Wroughtweiler is killed, I can add a hero and a Polymerization into my hand from my Graveyard.” Jaden took the Spell and Burstinatrix.

“As if! The card SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT IT HAPPENS THROUGH BATTLE!!”

“NOT the ANIME version, CHAZZ!!” Jaden corrected.

“Grr…. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!” Chazz’s intense rage filled the Duel Dome with spontaneous gusts of wind!! “THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY!!”

“Not really, yo!”

“SHUT UP!! ARMED DRAGON, ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!” Chazz commanded, with a small whirling twister blowing around him and his massive, spiky hair!

“GRWOOOOOOH,” growled the dragon, as it merely reached up, balled up a fist, and brought it down.

“Oh crap,” Syrus worried.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

LOLZ, CLIFFHANGERZ

 

 

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wickedgodguywhatever, you're spamming. Don't spam.

 

In other news, here's a newer episode that most of you can't enjoy yet-- waiiiiit, no, wait... yeah, you can't enjoy it yet. I'd post episode 26 with it, but it'd break the character-limit.

 

[spoiler=Episode 52: Field of Screams - Part Three]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 52: Cocoa Titan’s Employment Opportunity

 

“Uh… uuuuuugh…” Cocoa Titan woke up on the beach, covered in small cuts and bruises. He couldn’t move without his chest feeling as if it would explode. “Where am I…?” He slowly stood up and stretched his arms. Looking over his surroundings, he found that he was near Duel Academy, the place that had gotten him into this entire beach awakening mess. Oh yeah, and the possession, too. “Damn, I nearly forgot!! I was possessed for the last six months of my life! Did I even eat anything?” He didn’t. Feeling a sudden surge of energy loss, Titan fell over into the sand. “Ooooooh, I can’t moooove…” Titan resigned himself to death… or at least sitting there until somebody dropped a Sammich on his face or something, but then somebody stepped nearby.

“Perfect,” the startling new character said to himself. Titan saw their shoes and instantly knew who it was, somehow… That guy… CAN IT BE?! Wait, I’m losin’ consciousness. Bleh.

 

Hours later, he awoke in the caves underneath the legendary abandoned dorm. Several medicinal cables were attached to his body as he sat on a genuine La-Z-Boy chair. He smelt something very… familiar… “Wh-where am I…DOCTOR CARD?!” You could barely hear the ‘DUN DUN DUUUUUN’ in the musical score. Alas, Dr. Card, the villain you’ve probably forgotten about, was standing in a sleeveless scientist coat, and an apron, frying up some bacon on an oddly-stationed oven in the middle of the room. Speaking of, there were several other random objects in the area, including a large computer and a bed.

“Oh, hey,” Dr. Card greeted, sticking some bacon into one of Titan’s cables, “I see you’re up again.”

Mmm, I feel it going into my stomach! Strange that I can taste it! Titan knew. “B-b-but I can’t be here, helped by YOU! I don’t LIKE you! You forced me to work for you! And you never even gave me a COOL Shadow Item!”

“You had the mask.”

“I HAD a mask already! You just slapped two masks on me! You know that the other masked villains would LAUGH if they saw me?! And how do you think I FELT about not being able to move my own body for six months?! YOU forced all that on me!”

Dr. Card broke some eggs over the pan and began scrambling them. “Well I can’t say I know anything about THAT-”

“YES YOU CAN!!”

“-but I CAN say that you’re still under my employment, and we’ve got about two more weeks of school at this academy to plan another attack. What would you say to… um, a Shadow Item that lets you turn cards into sliced turkey meat?”

“That sounds pretty good, actually…” Damn it, Card! Titan rued! I can’t BELIEVE he actually went and made me DO that, all those months ago…

 

FIVE! MONTHS!! EARLIER!!!

Cocoa Titan, slightly-zombified, was sitting in a small office. He was in a brown suit with an oversized red tie. Dr. Card was at a real oak desk, typing on a laptop. Titan was wearing his Shadow mask and was waiting for something to happen. “C-O-O-K-I-E-S,” Dr. Card typed, “and press ENTER.” He stabbed the button with his finger. “Alright, that takes care of that e-mail, so! Hello, Mr. Cocoa Titan, I’m Dr. Card. I have a PhD in advanced evil robotics. How are you doing today?”

“I’m doing fine, thanks,” Titan thanked. “So, um, I’m looking for a job, as you can tell…”

“Of course,” Dr. Card accepted. “So. Tell me about yourself.”

“Well, I love defeating the blind. And I enjoy the color black, long walks on the beach… and I’ve been a fan of Sesame Street since I was five.”

“Ah, really? Me too!” Dr. Card remembered! “Alright, Mr. Titan, you’re hired.”

 

“Oh boy.” Titan jumped up out of his chair and dashed out of the room! On his way, he bumped into Camula the vampiress in a red business outfit, causing her to drop a bunch of files onto the floor.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry.” he cried as they both ducked down to reclaim the fallen items!

“No no no, it is okay!” Camula urged, blushing bright crimson. “I’ve got it myself, zat’s alright.”

“No I insist. Let me help.” He gathered up all of the necessary materials in one swipe with his huge hands and handed them to her as they stood up.

“Thank you, mister…” Camula began, then trailed off.

“It’s Titan,” Titan introduced, tipping his hat. “And you are…”

“Call me Camula ze vampiress,” she said, walking away, “and I guess I shall see you around…” She winked and blew him a kiss.

This is going to be the start of a beauteous relationship, Titan thought to himself.

 

DAMN THAT MAN!! WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO ALL THAT IF I WAS ALREADY UNDER HIS CONTROL?!?! HE’S A CRAZY FOOL!!

 

“So, this is… your place?” Titan asked.

“Yeah,” Dr. Card said, pouring his eggs into the tube and setting up some orange juice to fry, “and I’d suggest that you think about what you want to do here.”

“What do you mean?” Titan asked.

“Well, you can either come back and work for me with all the benefits, or you could try to rebel and I take you off of life support. You got it?”

Titan considered both options. “… So do you think I could make it without the juice?”

“Hmm…” Dr. Card looked at his OJ, bubbling and crackling in the greasy pan. “Probably not long.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“… So how about those benefits?” Titan asked.

 

Dr. Card pulled out a small notebook and turned a few pages. “Aha! Over here, I wrote in the contract, in red ink, that you had pretty good health coverage. Also you got some car insurance and a company car with the job. You were earning about $250,000 a year.”

“Hm! That’s pretty good!” Titan realized. “Wow! I had no idea I was earning that much while semi-comatose! A lot of people would LOVE that job!”

“Yeah, and all you had to do is duel small children and Seto Kaiba and a man-woman!” Dr. Card explained. “What’s to lose? And most of the time, you didn’t even have to DO that, you were just sitting around, waiting for orders!”

Titan grinned and rubbed his chin. “Show me the car and I’ll make my decision.” Dr. Card pointed to a black Jaguar in the corner. “Oh snapsky! I’m in!”

“Perfect! I still have two Seven Stars!!” Dr. Card celebrated, dropping his juice down the chute!

“ARGH! THA GREASE!!” Titan cried out, grabbing his stomach in pain!!

 

The next seven days just flew by. The duo played board games, watched their favorite TV shows, illegally viewed comics on the internet and even went to the movies. Titan just got healthier and healthier, to the point of which he could eat without a tube! He and Dr. Card became fast friends. Fast, evil friends. And then…

 

“Well, tomorrow’s Monday, the beginning of the last week of school!” Titan noticed, reading the calendar hung up on the cave wall.

“Yup,” Dr. Card agreed, flipping a pancake at the oven while programming a GPS.

“Yep!” Titan said.

“Yup!” Dr. Card agreed.

“Hey, why’re you programming that GPS while flippin’ a ding-dong pancake?” Titan asked.

“It’s to show that I’m a genius!” Dr. Card explained! “Wahahahaha!”

“Hohohohoho!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEYAHAWHAWHAWHAAAW!!!”

“Woah, that was an odd laugh!” Titan gasped.

“… What do you mean…?” Dr. Card asked, chomping into his pancake.

“Well,” Titan explained, “it was really loud and came outta nowhere!”

“We were laughing.”

“Yeah. But you didn’t need to add an evil cackle to it!”

“Woah woah woah, wait,” Dr. Card ordered, throwing down his GPS and frying pan, “did you just call my laugh a CACKLE?!”

“Well, um, yeah, that’s what it was. A cackle.”

Dr. Card stomped over to Titan and pulled out a Duel Disk. “I let you live in MY secret super-villain hideout, nurse you back to health, take you to the MOVIE THEATRE – which shouldn’t even EXIST on an island like this – and THIS is how you repay me?! Making FUN of me in my own HOME?!”

 

“Waitaminnitewaitaminniiiiite…” Titan said, stepping away from him, “no need to pull out your Duel Disk! I was just making an off-hand comment!”

“You and me are having a duel RIGHT NOW!!” Dr. Card shouted! “I feel the need to reinforce my superiority over you.”

“Heh heh, ahahaha,” Titan chuckled. “You really want to duel me? Your cool employee with a penchant for dueling the blind and who wields a charming brand of humor? Don’t you want to re-think this?”

“No,” Dr. Card growled, glowing a dark purple-ish color, “I want to END YOU.”

“F-fine, I’m taking out my cards, just don’t be so hasty,” Titan gulped.

“HURRY IT UP!!” Dr. Card ripped his starting hand from his Duel Disk.

“UGH!” Titan recoiled, as if he’d been slugged in the face! “Well then, if THAT’S what it’s gonna be…” Titan whipped his Duel Disk out from behind his back and quickly drew the first five cards of the game! “HOO HA HOO HA HUH!!”

“Ah ow eh eef aff!!” Dr. Card cried, as if he’d taken five quick shots to the gut! “And after all I’ve done for you…”

“After I even bought you that box of Milk Duds at the movies…” Titan growled.

“DUEL!!” (Dr. Card: 4000 Life Points, Titan: 4000 Life Points)

 

“Alright!” Dr. Card shouted! “If you insist on making fun of your lord and master, I shall beat you down! I play the Spell card Card Destruction!”

“Ugh,” Titan cried! “Just the thing you would do… DR. CARD!!” Both players discarded their entire opening hands. Meanwhile, Dr. Card’s field became full of monsters. One was a grey, armor-skinned hunter with a fuzzy glove. Another was a white-ish spear-wielder, wearing what looked like a security guard hat and showing off a toothy yellow grin. A third was a small purple winged demon child, and one last monster was a brown Cerberus puppy being lead via chain by a black winged sprite of evilness.

“So I discarded my hand, allowing me to Special Summon my Beiige, Vanguard of Dark World, Fabled Lurrie and The Fabled Cerburrel, and in addition I discarded my Broww, Huntsman of Dark World, allowing me to draw an additional card for a new six-card hand!” (Beiige: 1600 Attack Points, Four Stars, Lurrie: 200 Attack Points, One Star, Cerburrel: 1000 Attack Points, Two Stars, Tuner) Broww the hunter put a card onto his crossbow and fired it at Dr. Card’s head. “Ow.”

“Dang you to heck!” Titan cursed!

“Then, using my Cerburrel as a Tuner monster, I’ll do a Synchro Summon in order to summon the Chaos King Archfiend!”

“What the heck is a Synchro?!” Titan demanded to know! “It’s something you just made up, I bet! CHEATER!!”

“It’s not cheating; it’s from the future!!” The tiny three-headed pup bit the winged demon boy and spear security guard by the wrists.

“YEOWCH!!” the screamed, suddenly turning into a fine green mist! The emerald cloud covered the Cerberus pup and caused it to grow… INTO A FLAMING, DEMONIC JESTER-TYPE BEING!! (Chaos King Archfiend: 2600 Attack Points, 2600 Defense Points, Level Seven) “I will place one face-down card and end my turn here,” Dr. Card narrated as he did so.

 

“How dare you mock me!” Titan growled, feeling insulted by the use of the monster type he could not afford! “In that case, I discard the monster Stick Figure General in order to add Pandemonium from my deck to my hand!” A brown stick figure with a lamely-drawn sword and a police captain hat appeared and surveyed the field.

“Okay,” he said, allowing the cave to become a citadel of evil as it had once before. Satisfied, the stick man melted into a puddle of chocolate.

“Next,” Titan smirked, “I will summon the only other Archfiend I could really afford besides the Summoned Skull guy: I play Monster Reborn to bring back the Imprisoned Queen Archfiend!” A looming purple skeletal figure with what seemed to be a crown growing from her head appeared. Her limbs were bound by chains and her clothing was tattered. Her hair was the color of blood and her eyes were the crimson shade of hatred!

“GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” she wailed! (IQA: 2600 Attack Points)

“She’s a tad weak, though it WAS slick to use the effect of Card Destruction like that,” Dr. Card joked, nodding towards his own Archfiend.

“Not as weak as my NEXT guy! Come out, Stick Figure Red!!” The red stick figure we’ve all grown to love appeared by his master’s side! (SFR: 2000 Attack Points) “Next I’ll play the effect of my queen: Once per turn, she increases one of my monster’s Attack Points by 1000 for the rest of the turn!”

“GWAR GWAR GWAR GWAR,” chanted the beasty queen, causing the red figure to be imbued with a deep hunger for VENGEANCE!! (SFR: 2000 -> 3000 Attack Points)

“NOW LET’S GO!! RED PUNCH!!” Titan’s monster leaped toward the bastardization of his ‘family’ and punched… NOTHING! Yes, because the monster had teleported! (SFR: 3000 -> 2000 Attack Points)

“I play the Trap card Interdimensional Matter Transporter!” Dr. Card shouted, playing a Trap featuring some sort of random complicated machine. “My monster comes back at the end of the turn and your attack fails—”

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!” The giant evil queen leaped up and flattened Dr. Card.

“…Ow.” (Dr. Card: 1400 Life Points) The queen stood up and walked back to her spot on the field, allowing Dr. Card to stand back up.

 

“Ha ha ha!” Titan laughed! “That was satisfying. I’ll play a face-down and end my turn.”

“Y’know what’ll be even better?” Dr. Card asked.

“What?”

“THIS!!” Dr. Card yelled, setting a monster face-down. “I’ll set this monster here and bring back my Archfiend King!” The Infernal King Archfiend appeared back on the field, flaming just as much as before. “Now I will attack and thereby activate his special effect, reversing the stats of any monsters on your field for the turn HA IN YOUR FACE!” Both of Titan’s monsters glowed red, and then blue, signifying an intense inner change…

“WAIT!!” Titan halted! “My Stick Figure Red’s ability can negate your power and kill your Synchro if my Pandemonium calls a ‘3’ or a ‘5’!”

“Four,” said the bloody altar in the center of the arena.

“Well okay then I guess I won’t be negating that effect then,” Titan shrugged. (SFR: 2000 -> 1500 Attack Points, IQA: 2600 -> 1700 Attack Points)

“I ATTACK YOUR IMPRISONED QUEEN!! BURNING INFERNO!!”

“Wait, isn’t that redundant?” asked the queen as she was burned into a crisp by the evil enemy. (Titan: 2800 Life Points)

“Well, the joke’s on you,” Titan laughed, “because when my monsters are destroyed, my Pandemonium gets me a new monster from my deck!” He picked out a nice, new Skull Archfiend of Lightning.

“No no no, the joke is on YOU, friend,” Dr. Card assured.

“Well okay then WAAAAAAAAIIIT…”

 

“Anyways, I’ll be setting another card face-down and ending my turn,” Dr. Card decided.

“Good, because I’m ending this game HERE!” Titan drew his next card with too much confidence! “Awright, HERE WE GO. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR GETTING ANGRY AT ME FOR NO REASOOOON!! I activate the Spell card Polymerization in order to fuse together my Skull Archfiend of Lightning and Black Stick Figure Dragon!!” The not-Summoned Skull of legend and a really terrible dragon figure combined together in the recesses of the evil arena and became… “BECOME THE SKULL ARCHFIEND OF STICK DRAGON!!” They became a black stick figure dragon with bony horns. (SASD: 3200 Attack Points) “And then, I’ll flip up my Trap card: Stick’s Roar!” His latest face-down revealed itself to be an image of a blue stick figure summoning up the Stick Figure Red from the shadows, roaring at his summoner buddy the entire time. “This allows me to Special Summon one Stick Figure… or Archfiend… monster from my Graveyard at the cost of just 500 Life Points!” The gigantic queen prisoner broke out from the earth, scraping her claws on the bone-like floors of the Archfiend’s demonic hell-hall.

“ROAR!!” she roared. (IQA: 2600 Attack Points)

“Hey, don’t be roarin’ at me!” Titan growled. (Titan: 2300 Life Points) “So, take a good look at my monsters here,” he invited.

“Heh heh heh,” chuckled the Stick Figure Red. (2000 Attack Points)

“BLEH,” vomited the Skull Archfiend of Stick Dragon. (3200 Attack Points)

“Eh, I got nothin’ to say,” shrugged the Imprisoned Queen Archfiend. (2600 Attack Points)

“And the point is what?” asked Dr. Card, nodding to his own blazin’ Chaos King Archfiend. (2700 Attack Points)

“I SAY NAY!! ATTACK HIM INTO THE DUST!!” The lame horned dragon opened its mouth and spat out a crackling black, simple-looking lightning bolt constructed out of a thick line.

 

“Eh, this was too simple,” Dr. Card sighed. “I activate my Trap card, Threatening Roar.”

“RAR,” roared a manticore liony guy thing. The lightning shrieked and flew into the sky instead.

“… Darn you common cards we never use. I wish I had one.”

“Well,” Dr. Card said smugly, “I’m going to be honorable and show you my greatest monster, then defeat you with it.” He held out one more monster between his two main fingers… the middle and pointer fingers. But honestly, I just want to put pure fear into his heart for him. He’ll never rebel again if he sees my true abilities, judging by how THESE plots go, Dr. Card reminded himself. “Because you’ve declared an attack, I’ll send away my Chaos King along with a Fiend-type monster from my hand, called Fabled Ashenveil, in order to special summon the Darkness Neosphere!”

 

And lo, that which appeared onto the field was a being neither man nor woman, carrying with it a dark aura of fear. Its hair was salmon and long, its skin a dead violet, and upon its chest was an eyeball with a look of baffling confusion. Its body was wrapped in the roots of Ygdrasil and its limbs were complex; the left side of his body, his wing, hand and leg were brown, sinister and sharp. The right side, however, was white and feathered. It truly was the embodiment of chaos. Even more so than Crowler. (Darkness Neosphere: 4000 Attack Points) “Neosphere, destroy the Stick Figure Red.”

“What the… hell is it…?” Titan gasped, suddenly finding it hard to breathe through the putrid, dark mist.

“Your wish… is my command…” sighed the angel of death. It held out its arms and they too were engulfed by its own roots, and an eye snapped and broke through its left shoulder. Its green skirts picked up in the breeze it was summoning. The evil haze began to encircle the king of the stick men, and thousands of small eyes opened all around the cocoon of dark wind! They emitted a horrible shriek that made you just feel like giving up on life. The wind picked apart the blanket of horror and it faded. The stick figure was gone, plain and simple. (Titan: 300 Life Points)

“So, what’s next, Titan?” Dr. Card asked.

“I…” Titan considered his options. He could hope that his next draw would be just the right card he needed to end this silly game once and for all. “I…” He could give into Dr. Card’s demands once more and become his mindless slave, with all the nice benefits that came with the job. “I…” He threw down his Duel Disk and dispersed the holographic creatures and arenas, leaped up and smashed Dr. Card in the face. “I’M GONNA BEAT YOU UP INSTEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!” He’d just chosen to beat his employer to a bloody pulp for no good reason. It was the most hot-blooded choice, and in the end, a good one.

 

Dr. Card took a step back from the force of the blow and wiped his nose clean of blood. He looked back at Titan, as if to say ‘What the heck was THAT for, Jerkface?!’ “What the heck was THAT for?!”

“I… I don’t know,” Titan admitted. “I just kinda—” THWACK.

“DIE, INGRATE!!” Dr. Card shouted!

“Oh, that’s SO it, you’re GOING DOWN!!” And so, Titan and Dr. Card began to sock each other in the face at high-speeds. They punched hard. They punched fast. Then faster. And faster. And then they began side-stepping across the room. They tripped over the sofa, helped each other up, and began punching again. They carefully punched their way up the stairs and outside of the abandoned dorm of legend.

“Oh hey,” a Ra Yellow student called, “two guys are beating each other up!” Titan and Dr. Card looked at each other, then leaped and kicked the kid in the stomach. “OWAH-OOOH!!” He was knocked into one of the several hundred trees nearby making up the island’s forest.

“That states where we’re located!” Titan stated.

“TAKE THIS!!” Dr. Card pulled out a set of handcuffs and attached one end to Titan’s left arm! The other one was strapped to his own right hand. “Ha ha ha,” he laughed, “now you’ll NEVER escape ME!!” Titan looked at him with a hilarious confused expression until he flipped around, pulling Dr. Card into a large tree. “TREE FIGHT!!” Dr. Card announced. He ripped the tree from its roots and swung it at Titan!

“OOOW!! TREEEE!!” he screamed, getting knocked toward the location of the island’s resident volcano. Naturally Dr. Card was tugged along with him.

 

They got close and grappled with each other as Dr. Card smacked Titan in the head with the tree… held by his foot. “Give up, Titan of Cocoa!!” Dr. Card commanded!

“NEVER, NOT UNTIL I KNOW WHAT I’M GIVING UP!!” Titan admitted, even though he had no idea to what he was admitting!! They rolled up the hill, smacked each other, aaaand… got up, dusted themselves off, and threw away the tree.

 

“Damn, how come we really aren’t doing any ACTUAL damage here?” Titan wondered.

“I… don’t know. I think we’re just punching for the sake of punching, not actually trying to hit for the sake of hitting.”

“Huh?”

“Erm… we’re just throwing punches, but not trying to beat the other for our own noble causes?” Dr. Card paraphrased. “We need… a REASON to battle.”

“Well,” Titan supposed, “I think I’m doing this because I’m just trying to make it in the world while dueling and shooting blind people. That’s my motivation, and you’re just dragging me down, with your… evil plots and bad sense of humor.”

“I’m just fighting so that I can have a kooky sidekick who can dish out the one-liners and help me take over the world of Duel Monsters,” Dr. Card decided.

“Well, alright then!” Titan accepted, clapping his hands and pulling Dr. Card over a bit.

“Woah!”

“We have our goals laid out ahead of us! Now we can fight for real!”

“Okay!” Dr. Card shouted, pulling his right hand back and forcing Titan’s arm forward into his chest. “UGH!”

“I’ll show YOU to beat yourself up!” Titan promised! He pulled HIS arm back, rearing back for a doozy, and pulled Dr. Card’s fist into his neck. “AH! My neck, you bastard!!”

“It’s YOUR fault!” Dr. Card accused, kicking him in the chin!

“Yeah WRONG!!” Titan yelled, spinning around and pulling Dr. Card’s face into the dirt.

“Yeah RIGHT!!” Dr. Card corrected! He leaped up and smacked Titan with enough force to blow him all the way to the tip of the volcano… and pull him along with him! “WOOOOOOAH!!!?!” How STUPID!! Unless…

 

“Ow,” Titan groaned, flipping onto his back.

“Ha ha!” Dr. Card laughed, dropping next to him, yet on his feet! He lifted up Titan and held him right over the molten magma down below. “This is your last chance, Titan! Join me or DIE a MOLTEN DEATH!!” Realizing that they were attached by handcuffs the whole time, Titan tugged his left arm and forced Dr. Card right over the edge! “OHCRAP!!” The bad doctor grabbed the rim of the volcano with his free hand and hung there.

“IF I’M A-GOIN’, YOU’RE A-GOIN’ WITH ME!!” Titan promised! “LITERALLY, BECAUSE OF THE HANDCUUUUFFS!!”

“NEVAAAAAAHH!!” Dr. Card whipped the cuffs over his head, propelling Titan right out of the volcano along with him. They flew back into the forest and landed on their feet, then picked up two large sparring trees with their free hands. They participated in Tree Kendo as they slid down the incline, breaking their weapons upon their enemies and drawing much blood, then simply picking out a new round wooden blade as they travelled.

“Hmm, huuur!!” Titan grunted.

“Urgh, gyaaah!!” Dr. Card shouted. They broke several bones and lost quarts of blood upon the trees. They fought for several minutes, with no clear winner arising any time soon.

 

TEN! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

“Huff… huff… huff…”

“Ugh… ugh… ugh…” The two battered combatants rolled out from the forest and into the island’s shipping docks, breathing heavily and reeking of bloody sweat. Dr. Card flipped onto his feet and pulled Titan up. “Hwah!” He slapped him in the face.

“Oh yeah… URRGH!!” Titan pulled back his left arm for a doozy of a punch and was hit in the neck. “Ow.”

“G-give up?” Dr. Card asked.

“N-n-n-never…” Titan pushed Dr. Card closer to the water, where a super-large shipping ship was floating nearby.

“Sorry y’all, pee break!” shouted the American captain, dashing out of the shipping vessel to empty his bladder.

“There’s a toilet in the ship!” a sailor shouted. “Come on, we have four more deliveries to make today in FIVE different countries, and I STILL don’t understa—” The man’s head was blown off by a pistol.

“THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BACKSASS ME!!” the captain shouted.

 

Titan stared at the ship and had a thought. Way back when he was just a young boy who wore his amazing hat and mask along with shorts and striped t-shirts, he had a talk with his equally-masked grandmamma. “Now you hear this, sonny,” she hissed from her rocking chair, “I got some GOOD advice ‘fer ya.”

“What is it, Mamma Grand?” he asked in his deep, gruff voice, identical to how it was in the present day.

“If’n you EVER get beat up by a weirdo man in a lad coat with WILD blonde hair, jus’ walk on over to a large ship ‘n hold it over your head. It should scare’m away in a second.” Titan turned towards the hypothetical screen and stared at the viewers and or readers, slack-jawed.

“THIS…” Titan said like a real titan, whatever that meant, “IS FOR MAMMA GRAND!!” He trudged over to the heavy ship, dragging his opponent across the ground, and lifted the entire boat up with his one remaining good arm. Water dripped off of the ship’s hull and some seaweed plopped all over the strong, boat-wielding man.

 

…So what do I do now? Titan asked himself.

“Oh come on,” Dr. Card sighed, scoffing at his efforts, “THIS is nothing!” He kicked Titan into the water. This obviously made him drop the boat on his enemy and snap the handcuffs for good. Titan slowly began to float away on his back.

“UNGH,” he growled, as he tried to move. “Aw, dammit, all I can do now is talk to myself—HEY I’M FREE NOW!!” He started cruising on the waves in his motionless form, softly and quietly going with the flowing of the ocean’s motions. “YES! NOW I CAN GO HOME AND BE EVIL AGAIN!! But wait… being evil… was what got me into this mess, right…?” He recalled what had gotten him into this situation in the first place. His cell phone began ringing, several months ago in the big city. “DOO DOO DOOBIE D-DOO DOO D-DOODOO,” it sang in a synthesizer-type tone.

“Evil Man Duels and Shoots Blind People Inc., how may I help you beat and shoot blind people?”

Um, yes, I have a SPECIAL assignment for you,” Crowler said over the phone.

“Hmm, what KIND of special assignment?”

“Ow, the pain!”

“Shut up, blind man I just beat!”

I want you to duel a KID, tomorrow night on Duel Academy Island.

“Hmm. Sounds risky,” the man thought aloud, rubbing his chin. “Oh well, how much harder can a kid be than a blind guy? I’ll take it. Have a nice day.” He cut off the cell phone. “Oh, wait, where was I supposed to go again?”

“Duel Academy Island,” the blind guy he’d just beat reminded.

“Hey, thanks.”

 

“And because I was working for spare cards back then and took a job to duel and shoot up some weird kid,” Titan analyzed, “that means…” He smacked his fist into his palm with approval! “IT MEANS THAT BEING EVIL GETS ME DANGEROUS GIGS, AND BEING NICE IS EASIER TO LIVE BY, SINCE YOU’LL GET ALL THE JOBS FOR PANSIES! I CAN GET PAID FOR FLIPPING PANCAKES!! HOO HOO HOO HOOOOO!! AND I’LL GET ALL THE WOMEN I CAN HANDLE! WHOOPEEEEEEE!! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!” And so, as Titan sailed away toward new adventure, he’d learned a valuable lesson. The wrong way, though, but he learned it nonetheless. But it still doesn’t count.

 

The American captain walked back to his ship and gasped. “WHAT IN TARNATION DIDJA DO T’MY SHIP, DOGGONIT!!”

“At least I’ll never have to see HIM again,” Dr. Card told himself.

“WAAAAAAAIT a minute,” a sailor realized, “this episode was pretty much completely USELESS!!”

“SHUT UP, IT TELLS THE READERS MORE ABOUT ME AND GIVES SOME IMPORTANT FORESHADOWING!”

“Oh yeah!” the sailor accepted.

 

CURRENT FILLER EPISODES LEFT: 0

 

 

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And here's the wonderfully, hillariously, not-too-well-written-but-it's-excused-for-what-happened, hidden spoiler-riddled episode 26.

 

[spoiler=Episode 26: The School Duel - Part Two]“ARMED DRAGON, ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!” Chazz commanded, with a small whirling twister blowing around him and his massive, spiky hair!

“GRWOOOOOOH,” growled the dragon, as it merely reached up, balled up a fist, and brought it down.

“Oh crap,” Syrus worried.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic!

Episode 26: The School Duel – Part Two

 

And so, where we last left off, we saw Armed Dragon Level Seven about to simply punch Jaden hard enough to end the duel. But Jaden had a Trap up his sleeve… LITERALLY!

“I play Hero Spirit!” A Trap featuring an invincible hero going up against a thousand demons in his last stand flipped up. Avian was summoned back to the field for his own final stand!

“Hey, wha?! WOAH!!” He was punched, causing a super-big explosion. The tornado briefly mentioned earlier faded away.

“Damn it,” Chazz cursed.

“This turn, since an Elemental Hero was destroyed, all damage is nullified!” Jaden explained! “Even though Avian didn’t die this turn, I guess he just appeared because it’s funny.”

“Come on, Jaden,” Chazz groaned, sounding bored, “do the math.” (Chazz: 4000 Life Points, ADLv7: 2800 Attack Points, Jaden: 1600 Life Points) “You’re about to lose, anyway. Just stop hiding behind your Traps and take it like a man!”

“Yeah, wrong!” corrected Jaden, drawing his next new card.

“OOH,” it said.

“Shut up and go suck something inappropriate! I summon Winged Kuriboh in Defense Mode!” His winged buddy of hatred and loathing appeared, wing-y as ever. (Winged Kuriboh: 200 Defense Points)

“AWW, IT’S SO CYUUUUTE!!” the girls sighed.

“Shut up, girls! This is a REAL man’s game! With a stupid puffy puffball! Leave me alone! Can’t be havin’ all this sighin’. Now I’ll end my turn.”

“OOH,” agreed Winged Kuriboh.

“Shut up too!”

 

“Hey, boss,” Ojama Yellow said, floating around Chazz’s head all of a sudden, “that monster there, he’s got a mind of his OWN! Like ME! Why don’t you ever play ME?”

“I’m in the middle of a duel here! Go away!” Chazz ordered!

“Hey Chazz, don’t yell at him, yo! He’s cool!” Jaden said.

“Well you don’t yell at that Kuriboh-thing, then!”

“No way!”

“Hi, Jaden!”

“Hi, Ojama Yellow!”

“Don’t talk to him! Go away!”

“Okay, boss,” complied Ojama Yellow, disappearing yet again into the vast unknown.

“Armed Dragon, annihilate the Winged Kuriboh!” Chazz said! The Armed Dragon reared back, turned his hand into a fist, and threw it onto Winged Kuriboh. It was hit with such force that it and the fist were pushed into the ground, forcing stage pieces to be pushed up and out of the way. Then came a fancy explosion.

 

The dragon stood up again and let the ground fix itself. “That was what was about to happen to you last turn, and what’s about to happen once you run outta tricks!” Chazz warned.

“Not unless I DON’T run out, dude!” Jaden challenged! “I play Pot of Greed!” Jaden earned a holographic pot, which he threw at the Armed Dragon. It broke, but didn’t seem to bother the dragon much, due to all the armor plating. “And I draw… TWO AWESOME CARDS!!” A Spell with an apocalyptic hurricane and Wildheart! Wait, how would they help? “SIMPLE!!” Jaden answered to me. “I activate Special Hurricane!” He sent some weird kid in a space suit to the Graveyard. “By discarding a card to the Graveyard, yo, I can wipe-out one of yo’ monsters that was Special Summoned!” Jaden explained! “Come on out, funky hurricane!” A storm quickly brewed around the Duel Dome, filled with wind that just kept picking up, and picking up, getting faster and faster!

 

“What’s going on now?” Chazz asked, unsure of its true powers. “Can this REALLY kill my Armed Dragon?”

“YES!” The wind had now become a whirling hurricane centered around Armed Dragon Level Seven! Trapped inside the whirling spiral, the dragon was immobilized. And yet, even though it seemed impossible, the forces of nature managed to slowly lift him into the air.

“No! This is quite impossible!” Chazz gasped! He was proven wrong as the storm began repeatedly shocking the monstrosity with dozens of focused bolts of lightning. After around seventy-eight high-speed blows, the dragon finally erupted in flame! The wind kept circling him over and over again… until it finally focused on his core, his heart… and cut through him all at once. He fell to the ground on his side before finally exploding in a majestic vermillion supernova. Even though supernovas only come from stars.

 

“The HELL was all that?!” Chazz asked, aghast!

“HE KILLED’m!” a student cried!

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” cheered Duel Academy!

“That’s not all; Wildheart, attack!!”

“Wildheart’s not here—OHCRAP!!” Wildheart spontaneously appeared in front of Chazz, and swiped at him with his MIGHTY BLADE!!” (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points, Chazz: 2500 Life Points)

 

“Oh NOOOOO~” SeaweedMan cried, much to Shepherd’s delight!

“Ha ha, looks like Jaden just killed your boy’s strongest monster… TO THE EXTREME!” He began putting his creepily-smiling face in SeaweedMan’s. “Looks like you owe me a prize! Heehee!”

“Ugh, get away~” SeaweedMan begged! “Come on Chazz, you know what to do next~”

“CHAZZ IT UP!!” cut in the North Academy students. “CHAZZ IT UP!! CHAZZ!! IT!! UP!!”

 

“Dog-gonnit,” Slade pseudo-cussed, “I don’t trust those guys who gave Chazz that card! What’s he doing, losing his guy to a card he couldn’t see coming?!”

“It’s so irritating that now he’s sucking so badly because he took way less damage than Jaden!” Zazz growled! “We can’t trust him anymore, he’s too dumb!”

 

“I… play The Graveyard in the Fourth Dimension!” Chazz announced, recovering from his massive blow! He activated a Spell card featuring tombstones and dirt floating around in hyperspace. That doesn’t seem like a very good place to bury dead people, does it? “Now I can shuffle two Level-named monsters back into my deck, and I choose Armed Dragons Level Three and Seven!” Chazz forebodingly added the two guys back into the deck and shuffled. “Next I’ll start all over again with Armed Dragon Level Three!” The original one appeared again in a defensive position! “I’ll set a card to end my turn.”

“Armed Dragon’s comin’ back, I reckon!” a student cheered!

“AW YEAH!!”

“CHAZZ IT UP!! CHAZZ IT UP!!”

“WE SAY THIS OFTEN, DON’T WE?”

 

“Come on, new lil’ bro,” a twelve year-old version of Slade told a Pre-School-aged Chazz, “You’ve GOTTA learn to play this game!”

Chazz himself was struggling to hold his new Duel Disk to his wrist. “But I’m too small for it,” he said.

“NO EXCUSES!!” a twelve year-old version of Zazz roared! “YOU ARE GONNA LEARN TO PLAY THIS INSANELY FUN CARD GAME, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!! Within the next few years.”

“Stop yelling at me!” Chazz whined! “It makes me feel bad!”

“We’re sorry,” Slade apologized in his special voice, “he just wanted to say that you’re gonna learn to play this insanely fun card game, and you’re gonna like it sometime within the next few years. And you can’t make any excuses.”

“Within YEARS?! That’s not fun NOW!”

“Shut up and learn to duel. It’s for world domination.”

“Um, okay?”

 

Chazz looked on at his brothers, sitting at the top of the Duel Academy seating area. Oh yeah, that’s how I got into dueling in the first place…

“Yo Chazzmeister, are you okay, dawg? ‘Ya look a lil’ off,” Jaden said, somewhat worried. It looks like he’s staring at his brothers. Is that why he was freakin’ out earlier?

“Jaden!” Syrus called! “Take your turn now! The fate of the free world depends on it!”

“Oh yeah, he’s right!” Jaden drew his next card and was ready for action!

 

“I summon Elemental Hero Clayman in Defense Mode!”His clay buddy appeared! (Clayman: 2000 Defense Points) “Next, I’ll use Miracle Fusion in order to remove him and Bubbleman from play and perform a Fusion Summon!” It was a Spell card featuring two heroes swirling around the ‘H’ of power! Clayman and Bubbleman leaped into the sky and became an ‘H’! They crashed back down as… “It’s Elemental Hero Mudballman!” (Mudballman: 1900 Attack Points)

“Ugh! I didn’t expect him to summon another monster!” Chazz gasped!

“Wildheart, kill the dragon!” Jaden said!

“WROOOOAH!!” Wildheart shouted, leaping up and bringin’ down his sword through Armed Dragon.

“Egyaaaah!!” he cried, little as he was. He blew up.

“I activate The Grave of Enkindling!” Chazz said! His Trap flipped up, revealing an image of a lady in a nice dress standing around as a graveyard EXPLODED. “We can each summon one monster from our Graveyards in Defense Mode, and I’ll choose Armed Dragon Level Five!” His more bulky version of the original appeared and guarded his face. (ADLv5: 1700 Defense Points)

“I’ll summon Hero Kid!” Jaden chose. His kid in the weird space suit hero suit appeared! (Hero Kid: 600 Defense Points)

“That guy looks even weaker than Avian!” Chazz admitted. “Plus, when’d HE get sent to the Graveyard?”

“I discarded him with Special Hurricane!” Jaden explained! “Now, when he’s Special Summoned to the field, I can summon two more thanks to his ability, making him FAR more useful than Avian!” Two more equally heroic kids appeared! (Hero Kids: 600 Defense Points) “Now, Mudballman, you an’ yo’ funny name, get rid of that dragon!”

“Uryah!” grunted the hilariously-named hero, as he smooshed Armed Dragon Level Five with his massive fists!

“And I’ll throw down a face-down, and call it a turn!” Jaden ended.

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“GYAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” Chazz screamed, his TRUE theme song finally beginning!! “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS OUT-DO ME?!?!”

“Uh, you mean killing your trump card and summoning FAR more monsters than you, yo?”

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!” Chazz sent a Spell to the Graveyard and added some cards back into his deck. “I play Pot of Avarice in order to add five monsters into my deck, then draw two cards!”

“Oh boy,” Jaden sighed.

“That’s not the half of it! I summon Armed Dragon Level Three once more!” The dragon appeared once more. “Next I’ll play two Spells, both are called Level Up!” Chazz revealed two identical Spell cards, each showing an awesome metal phoenix flying into the sky! “It lets me instantly level up my monster twice!”

“Holy—why didn’t you use those before?!” Jaden wondered.

“I was saving them… FOR THIS.” Chazz revealed THIS: ARMED DRAGON LEVEL TEN. “I can tribute Level Seven to summon it from my hand.”

“NOOOOO!!” cried Shepherd!

“YEEEEEEES!!” cried Slade and Zazz!

“Yeeeeees~” cried SeaweedMan!

 

The baby dragon was covered in an odd yellow energy, somehow causing it intense distress. Its skin began bubbling up disturbingly. “What’s about to happen…?” Jaden asked.

“KWAAAAAH!!” screamed the dragon! It ripped apart into Armed Dragon Level Five, then immediately into Level Seven, and then that last form, the one that was forty feet tall, simply burst open into a SEVENTY-FOOT TALL EBONY DRAGON, COVERED IN THE MOST DEADLY IRON ARMOR EVER.

SHYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” it roared, its call almost deafeningly loud! The Duel Dome shook from its intensity! And it glared… right at Jaden… (ADLv10: 3000 Attack Points)

 

“And now for his ability,” Chazz announced, “I’ll discard one card and destroy all of your monsters, regardless of their power!”

“What?!” Jaden gasped!

“METEOR BARRAGE!!” The dragon punched the roof off of the Duel Dome, defying logic! Then with one bound, leaped into outer space.

“What’s he doing?” Jaden asked. He was soon answered as the dragon came back down, RIDING ON A FLAMING METEOR TWICE AS BIG AS HIMSELF. It utterly crushed all of Jaden’s monsters and was left on the ground, broken into several boulders of various sizes.

 

“Th—that monster… it’s so powerful that it actually affected the real world…” Syrus whispered, utterly at a loss for what to do.

“I’ll now attack you to end this game for good!” Chazz announced! “Armed Dragon, use Final Gun!” His dragon kneeled onto the floor and began focusing its energies. And a large orbital cannon floating around the Asteroid Belt responded.

“What’s he doing now?” Jaden asked.

“Don’t ask, experience it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean this. Goodbye.” Chazz pointed skyward as a tremendous laser beam was fired, now visibly approaching Jaden at an unfathomable pace.

“HE SHOT HIM WITH AN ORBITAL LASER CANNON?!?!” Syrus screamed! “HE’S GOING TO KILL HIM!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO, JADEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!” sobbed Shepherd!

“I trigger my Spell card!” Jaden said! The laser entered the Duel Dome, but was deflected by a totem pole with loud speakers installed. The sound waves it created blocked it, and sent it through the big screen that was installed in the arena. Millions of fans watching on their televisions were utterly relieved that this boy hadn’t been turned into a mere smudge on the floor. Many more millions of people were angry thanks to him still living and spouting ebonics.

 

“Command Silencer,” Jaden named his Quick-Play Spell card! “It negates one attack and lets me draw a card.” The totem pole exploded as soon as Jaden drew his card. “What, you thought my face-down was useless?”

“What surprised me was that you actually had a hologram that could deflect a laser beam,” Chazz scoffed.

“What surprised ME is that you had a hologram that could summon a laser beam,” Jaden said.

“What surprised ME is that people actually built a giant orbital laser cannon space station and put it in the Asteriod Belt,” Chazz said.

“What surprised me is exactly what you just said,” Jaden said.

 

“What is UP with that DAMN freaky card, SeaweedMan?!” Shepherd ordered!

“Well, it was actually our last-ditch weapon to end the duel in case Chazz could actually summon it, because the duel would’ve been too long anyways if it could come onto the field~” SeaweedMan explained.

“You just almost killed my student!” Shepherd accused!

“Remember, it’s not against school policy~” SeaweedMan reminded.

“Oh yeah, there goes any legal action,” Shepherd complied, sadly.

 

“Hey Slade,” Zazz said.

“Yeah, Zazz?” Slade answered.

“Does this mean we’re inheriting a laser cannon in space from Chazz?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn, it feels so good to be an evil big brother.”

“Damn straight.”’

 

“So, Jaden, what do you think now?” Chazz asked. “Next turn, I’m going to literally KILL you. You can’t beat my dragon. You can’t surrender, because I’ll still kill you after that since I’m an a******! And you can’t try setting any face-downs, I’ll work around it! What do you say now?”

“Well, Chazz,” Jaden decided, “I DO have something to say.”

“Go ahead, beg for forgiveness.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s not exactly begging, now is it?”

“I’m sorry about your mother,” Jaden apologized, “but if I had come any sooner to the entrance exams that day, then some other kid would be the last to try to enter, and then they’d duel your mom, and likely win.”

“No, that’s stupid,” Chazz spat.

“Yes it would. And I’m sorry that your brothers are so evil to you, but I can’t help you with that, either. Even if you had other brothers, they’d probably be evil as well. And on the subject of Bastion, some other person would eventually beat me at something, pressuring Crowler to make them her new apprentice in your place. It’s your own fault that you left the school.”

“What are you getting at?”

“It doesn’t matter what other people do, the universe will still organize the status quo in order to force you to grow into the individual you were meant to be!!” Jaden shouted! “We all have problems! And we all have to conquer them! If you let any of them consume you, they will ALWAYS drag you down! You can get over ALL of this, like when my mom died! Come on, Chazz!”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!” supported the entire world!!

“BOO,” booed one idiot who was quickly flogged.

“That’s the story of my life!” a guy said, wiping away a tear.

“He didn’t even need his catch-phrases!” a girl noticed!

 

“N—NO! You don’t… you don’t understand what it’s like to be me, Chazz Princeton, adoptive son of Velian Crowler, who is in fact a woman!” Chazz shouted! “You don’t understand me! You don’t KNOW me!”

“Yes we do, Chazz, just stop it.”

“DON’T PATRONIZE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” ordered a hysterical Chazz! “I AM… CHAZZ PRINCETON!! ONLY I KNOW HOW I FEEL! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW ME!!”

“Chazz, please, just get ahold of yourself! You’re talkin’ crazy; you’re talkin’ CRAZY talk!”

“UGH!!” Chazz turned to the audience. He saw SeaweedMan, who looked impatient.

Get on with it~ he thought. Chazz turned to his two brothers.

He looks like such a loser out there, thought Zazz.

I gotta put this on the internet! Slade plotted, fiddling with his cell phone. Chazz turned to Crowler, seated in the teacher’s area. It sat there, silently watching its child… and crying.

 

Wait… mum? Chazz finally opened his eyes. Are you…sorry? After all that’s happened… NO! I can’t forgive… NEVER FORGIVE… “JADEN… BROS… SEAWEEDMAN… MUM… ALL JUST USING ME!! ABUSING ME!! YOU CAN ALL JUST DIE!! I’LL SET ONE MORE CARD AND END MY TURN!!” Chazz’s final card, Magic Cylinder, was placed to lie in wait until Jaden made his final mistake.

 

“Well, Chazz, this is it!!” Jaden drew his last card! It was Mystical Space Typhoon, and we all know what that does! I don’t think I’ll be needin’ this, Jaden decided. “I play Skyscraper!” The field, covered in meteor rubble, was now covered in tall, metropolitan buildings with an overlooking full moon. “Next I’ll activate The Warrior Returning Alive!”

“No, you’re getting back Avian?!” Chazz realized!

“Yeah!”

Avian spun onto the field back from the dead, covered in broken arrows! “Ready for action!” Avian said, saluting! (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“Next I’ll use Polymerization to fuse Avian and Burstinatrix from my hand!” Jaden said, sending the heroes to the Graveyard!

“I’m ready for action!!” Avian announced! The two were sucked into a reality-warping portal which combined them together! And who else could fly out, in a fireball of spirit, than Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!

“Come on! Let’s show them what we got!” Jaden urged! Flame Wingman coolly rose to the top of the city and perched himself on the tallest tip of the tallest radio antenna on the tallest building in the city, allowing him to look down upon Chazz and even Armed Dragon Level Ten, no matter how large he may be. (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points)

 

This is exactly what happened on the first day, against mum! Chazz thought.

 

***

 

“Do you think I’m really that stupid? No! I’ll activate this: Skyscraper!” Jaden placed the card with the buildings into the field card space in his Duel Disk, making the field transform into an awesome cityscape!! The Ancient Gear Golem stupidly stood like a raging kaiju from a Japanese monster movie, while the hero flew onto the top of the highest building. “Now, Flame Wingman, show him why I deserve to go to them schools to get my edjumacation! Skydive Scorcher!”

“Bring it on!” it invited smugly! “Your silly little Skyscraper field card hasn’t lowered my Golem’s Attack Points at all!”

“You’re right! But my field card was made to increase my ELEMENTAL HERO’S ATTACK POINTS BY ONE-THOUSAND!!”

“ONE-THOUSAND?!" Crowler screamed! "THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!”

The dragon-armed man flew into the sky, and then dropped down into the Ancient Gear Golem, engulfing itself in flames!!

“Noooooooooo!!” Crowler worried in an overly stupid way!

“GASP!!” everybody gasped again. A large explosion rocked the city!

“No! This can’t be! My very best card…ow.” Crowler was shut up when a very heavy hologram crushed its skull.

“And my hero’s super power,” Jaden concluded, “Causes your Golem’s Attack Points to be deducted from your Life Points!”

“No way!” Crowler whispered. Then the giant ancient fighting robot fell on it, killing it instantly. Then it got better. (Crowler: 0 Life Points. Game Over)

 

***

 

Damn, when’d the description get so much better? Chazz wondered. Plus, when’d we stop spelling out the numbers? Now wait, maybe that was the original draft version? Well, there’s no time to worry about that. He’s gonna attack, and I’m gonna negate it, and then I’ll win, take over this school, and soon rule the earth.

“Now, Flame Wingman,” Jaden ordered, “BE ON STAND-BY!” Flame Wingman nodded.

“HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!?!” gasped the audience!

“HUH JADEN HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!?!” gasped Deep-Voice Dobbson!

“WHAT ARE YOU DOO-HOO-HOOING?!” Shepherd demanded!

“Gimee a sec, teach, I gotta ask Chazz something,” Jaden said. “Now Chazz, remember when I said my mom died?”

“You touched upon it,” Chazz remembered.

“Well, I’ll tell you about it, and what it has to do with today.”

 

It was a somewhat stormy morning, and it was literally raining cats and dogs. They were falling all over the street and scurrying into alleys and animal shelters everywhere. Jaden, four years-old at the time, was running with his mom, Tea Gardner, now named Tea Yuki due to marriage to some guy, who was carrying an umbrella in order to shield them from the weird rain. “Now Jaden,” she asked her son, “are you SURE today is ‘Free Dessert Day’ at the pre-school?”

“Yeah, mom, I’m sure!” Jaden said. “I waited for it for a week! I’m ready too!” He leaped over a Golden Labrador Retriever. “Wow, that one was a big doggy.”

“Yes it was, Jaden. Now just don’t go outside until I’m back, because I don’t want you getting hit by some fat-ass dog, okay?”

“And the kitties?”

“Them too.”

“Okay!”

 

And so they raced through the unnatural phenomenon over to the pre-K building, located across the street from the Coffee Café. “I’m going to be across the street getting some coffee before I go back home, and I’ll be back this afternoon, alright?” she checked.

“Okay, mommy!” Tea kissed her boy on the cheek and let her run through the door

“ARF!” a Boston Terrier yelped as she rebounded off of Tea’s umbrella. Jaden dashed through the preschool towards the back of the kid’s area, where there was a massive table full of desserts. Jaden got himself a plate full of gummi bears!

“My favorite!” he said! He rushed over to a large window with cushions placed strategically to let kids sit AND look out the window at the same time. He began digging into his gummi bears as he saw his mom sitting down in the Coffee Café with some piping hot coffee. She shook her umbrella around a bit in order to get the animal hair off. “Hi, mommy!” Jaden greeted, waving to her. She smiled and waved back.

“Is that your mom?” a younger Chazz asked him, with Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson in tow.

“Yeah, she’s nice,” Jaden said.

“My mom’s creepy-looking,” Chazz lamented.

“I reckon she scares me,” lil’ Billy Hills admitted.

“HUH OH NO HUH!!” Deep-Voice Dobbson shrieked!

“What?” Jaden asked, looking out the window.

 

A Winged Kuriboh fell from the sky. A Persian cat was sitting on the street for whatever reason, licking his legs. The Kuriboh fell and bounced off of the cat, allowing it just the angle and spin it needed in order to smash through the Coffee Café’s window and strike Tea in the head.

 

And there was much bloodshed.

 

“And that’s the story of how my mother died before my very eyes, leading me to hate that Winged Kuriboh, and it was all my fault or having to go to school that day!” Jaden concluded! “Though I’m not so sure why I forgot that you people were there until now, but that doesn’t matter. Even if I were to go back in time, she’d have died some other way! Maybe. You can’t change your past, but you can still live on. So, Chazz, will you forgive your mom and cast away your brothers and dreams of world domination?”

Damn, he’s so convincing! But those people have ruined my life! How can I expect to forgive them, just like that?! And besides, I still want to rule the world. But then Chazz remembered something.

 

“Hey,” Billy Hills said in the past, “I reckon that’s the guy we were tol’ ‘bout!”

“Huh, Billy, huh?!” gasped Deep-Voice Dobbson, who studied a picture of Chazz, with the words ‘WILL TAKE OVER WORLD’. These kids were given the task of making sure that Chazz would never play Duel Monsters.

 

“Hey, I reckon you shouldn’t play Duel Monsters,” Billy Hills recommended.

“YAAAAAAAAARGH!!” Chazz picked up Billy Hills and swung him by the feet into Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Ow, huh, what’re we doing again, huh?” asked Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Be my friends or I’ll eat you,” Chazz said.

“Uh, okay, huh, Chazz, I reckon.”

“Hey,” said younger-Slade and younger-Zazz, “we’re Slade and Zazz. Wanna become part of the Princeton family so we can exploit you for dueling and world domination?”

“What’s ‘exploits’ mean?” Chazz asked naively.

“It means candy.”

“Yay! Okay!”

 

IF I HADN’T HAVE ATTACKED THOSE TWO THEN THEY WOULD HAVE MADE ME NEVER DUEL IN THE FIRST PLACE! THEN MY BROTHERS WOULDN’T HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE ME THEIR BROTHER!! IT’S ALL MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUULT!!!!!!! Chazz realized!!

 

“Jaden… JADEN!! YOU’RE RIGHT!!” Chazz believed! “YOU ARE RIGHT!! I CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST, BUT I CAN STILL CHANGE THE FUTURE!! BILLY HILLS, DEEP-VOICE DOBBSON, THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO WARN ME ABOUT ZAZZ AND SLADE! I’M SORRY I DIDN’T LISTEN!!”

“I reckon I don’t understand a thang’ he’s talkin’ about,” said Billy Hills to Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Huh, me neither Billy, huh,” said Deep-Voice Dobbson to Billy Hills.

“Damn selective amnesia… BUT ANYWAYS!!” shouted Chazz, continuing his rant of destiny, “JADEN, GO AHEAD AND ATTACK MEEEEEEEEEE!!”

“Got it, Chazz!” Jaden accepted! “Skyscraper, activate! Flame Wingman, SKYDIVE SCORCHER!!”

 

Flame Wingman extended his wing and flew in front of the full moon of the city. Holding out his dragon arm, he fully charged himself with flames, setting himself on fire! He flew up as high as he could, and then he descended, dragon arm-first. (Flame Wingman: 3100 Attack Points) He crashed right into Armed Dragon Level Ten, doing absolutely nothing. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!

 

The hero recovered and flew right into of the dragon’s heavily-armored stomach. With a single uppercut, he managed to push the beast into the nighttime sky! “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHH!!” screamed the students of both schools! The dragon was now hovering several-hundred feet in the air, and even we forgot about the domed ceiling in the way. But we didn’t care!

“Now… follow it up with Neo Flame Dragonarm!” Jaden commanded! Flame Wingman quickly flew over to the tallest building in Skyscraper City and ripped it right out of its foundations!

“That shouldn’t happen!!” Slade and Zazz gasped in synch!

“That shouldn’t happen~” SeaweedMan gasped!

 

Flame Wingman threw the tower as hard as physically possible at the Armed Dragon, but only managed to push the tower a fragment of an inch into the beast’s chest armor. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!! Flame Wingman’s dragon arm began growing… and growing… and growing! It was now twice the size it was before, glowing beautifully crimson!! The dragon’s maw opened. An impossibly massive burst of flames shot out at the building and dragon. And yet, somehow, force was being applied. The fire pushed the tower’s radio antenna RIGHT THROUGH his impenetrable armor. The building flew through, away, and out of sight as the rest of the flames burned the dragon’s hide, its insides, its back, and forced him to crumple into an ever-shrinking ball. The fires receded, finally leaving the invincible monster around a tenth of his original size, and dropped the scorched sphere to the ground.

 

“It’s over,” Chazz said, satisfied. (Chazz: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Yes, it finally is,” Jaden sighed.

“AND THAT’S GAME!!” they shouted, together!!

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” cheered the kids! No matter which school they came from, they all could agree that the duel was the best thing they’d ever seen.

 

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!! All around the world, everybody who’d seen the duel on television had just seen this weird Chazz kid’s resurrection from a hateful future dictator, into a semi-regular child! All because of some idiot who says ‘yo’.

 

“You loser!” growled Zazz, approaching Chazz with Slade in tow! “How could you?! You had that face-down card, right? You should have ACTIVATED IT!!”

“You’ve DISGRACED the Princeton name, you failing failure of a fail!!” Slade shouted, still using his child-friendly tone!

“You are no brother of ours anymore,” Zazz coldly stated.

“Hey, now wait a minnit, I reckon!”

“Huh, JERK-OFFS, HUUUUUH!!” Yes, Chazz’s friends had appeared to help! They both smashed their fists into the two villains of the day!

“Urk!”

“Uwagh!” They fell back, with smoke rising from their hit areas! “Damn you all, we’ll sue you!” Slade promised! We’ll use your moneys to fund a world take-over!”

“We paid all that money to televise the whole thing! And what did the public see? A heartwarming display of humanizing affection? We wanted to show off the future ruler of the earth!”

“Actually, the duck got pretty famous off of it,” Jaden noted, pointing to the ‘BOO’ duck, who drove away in an expensive new car.

 

“WHO CARES ABOUT THE DUCK?!” shouted Zazz and Slade! They grabbed Chazz by the collar and ran off with him!

“Wagh! You’re choking me!!”

“GASP!!” gasped the Duel Dome!

“Hey, everyone, after them!!” ordered Nancy Wut! The entire audience ran off to give chase to those two guys!

 

Meanwhile, Janitorboy Ikkaku shuffled into the room. “So now I have to repair the roof, the big screen, and clean up that meteor?” He shrugged, pulled out a noose, and went hunting for a suicide spot.

 

Slade and Zazz rushed through the many halls of the building, still carrying Chazz! “Damn, we’ll just have to take you in our helicopter and come up with a new plan!” Slade cursed!

“Let me go, you jerks! I’m tired of this!” Chazz shouted!

“Like shouting’ll help you!” Zazz scoffed. “We OWN you, Chazz! You can’t just escape or anything—”

“NOW!!” Piggybank leaped out from an adjacent restroom suddenly! She punched Zazz in the face, sending him through a wall!

“WAAAAH!!”

“Crap,” Slade said, with nothing else to say.

“FLUFFY POMPADOUR SPIRIT!!” Fluffy Fred shouted, crashing through the floor! He punched Slade through a different section of the wall, so he didn’t fly through Zazz’s comically-shaped hole. “Okay, Chazz, you alright?” Fluffy Fred asked. “Huh? Where’d he go?”

“YOU PUNCHED HIM AWAY WITH THE GUY WITH COOL HAIR!!” Piggybank screamed, wringing his neck!

 

“WOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!” screamed the Princeton Brothers! They flew right over the stairway from Episode Four that lead to a forty-foot drop! “WHAT KIND OF ARCHITECTURE IS THIS?!”

“Baseball Bob, GO!!” shouted Baseball Bob, waiting at the bottom of the stairs with a baseball bat and some gum! “HOOOOOME RUUUUUUUN!!” He swung the bat as hard as he could, firing the threesome through the windows nearby and into the forest. “Wait, was that Chazz?”

 

“WOOOOOOAHH!!” screamed Zazz!

“WAAAAAAAAHH!!” screamed Slade!

“WAAAAA—Woah!” Chazz screamed, when he was suddenly rescued by Bastion, carried through the air in his arms!! The other two kept on flying, however. “Bastion?!” Bastion was crying a stream of manly tears!

“The way I saw you and Jaden connect during that duel made me cry passionate, manly tears,” he said, putting Chazz down. “I am terribly sorry for anything I’ve directly or indirectly caused to you during this long, ten-episode long ordeal.”

“Meh, don’t mention it,” Chazz grunted, dusting himself off, “just don’t expect me to act nice over it, okay? I’m still the same old Chazz. Now let’s go after them.”

 

And the two brothers continued flying through the forest until they hit the ground and rolled into an abandoned mansion. “Woah, man, what just happened?” asked Zazz.

“I dunno, but this dorm sure is abandoned,” Slade supposed.

“YOU TWO PEOPLE MADE CHAZZ A SUCKY PERSON SO YOU SUUUUUUCK!!” roared Angry McArgue, appearing from the shadows with a log, smashing the two guy’s heads and pushing them through the floor into the cave below.

“Aw, hell no, bro,” Slade noticed, recovering, “the ENTIRE ISLAND wants to rip us limb from limb. Bit by bit at a time!!”

“Look, we can handle it if we just get to the helicopter and buy guns. Guns ALWAYS win. Right?” Zazz checked.

“Right.”

“Right!”

“Huh?!” Spooked-out, the two quickly checked what was behind them! It was Nancy Wut! “Oh, just a wimpy-looking girl. We can use her as a hostage, right?”

“Yeah, we can.”

“BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN…” Nancy asked suddenly, wearing a horrifying expression, “IF YOU MORPHED TOGETHER TIMMY’S DAD AND JIMMY’S DAD?! See what happens, after the break.” While the two pondered what in the name of all Nicktoons she had just said, Alexis ran into the scene! WITH A GRENADE LAUNCHER!!

“ONLY WE CAN ABUSE CHAZZ!!” She fired a grenade with enough force to launch the two guys out of the cave and the mansion, and even further still! But Nancy Wut was okay, being who she is.

 

The two soared over the island’s volcano, who with a rockin’ power cord, shot a steady stream of magma into the sky above, burning the brothers beyond mortal comprehension. Luckily, they landed in the ocean, near the cliff which housed Episode Fourteen’s Idiot Tree. “Woah,” they gasped, resurfacing and steaming. “good thing the ocean’s cold.”

“JUSTICE MAY BE BLIND, BUT ME, AND MY SHADES, ARE NOT!!” shouted Shades Milligan, standing on the water! He grabbed the confused twosome and threw them upwards before launching all the missiles he was able to put in his arms last night. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!! They were shot further away in an impressive display of firepower! Satisfied, Shades Milligan sank beneath the surface once again.

 

They sailed all the way to the Girls’ Obelisk Blue dorms, where Mann McOldsmobile caught them both. “Wh-wh-what’re YOU doing at the GIRL’S dorms?!” Zazz questioned!

“It’s easy…” Mann McOldsmobile answered, “I’M A LADIE’S MAN!!” He smashed the two together a few times, and then threw them with enough force to skip them across the nearby lake!

“OW! OW! OW! OW! OWOWOWOWOW!!” They slid onto the banks of the lake and quickly stood up!

“THIS SCHOOL IS CRAZY!!” they screamed! They made a break for it!

 

They decided to rest at the Obelisk Blue Boy’s dorm for a minute. “Ugh, good thing there are some comfy beds in here,” Slade sighed, relieved, sitting down. Zazz pulled out a map of the island.

“Okay, so if we cut through the waterfall and the forest, then we can get to the piers faster and escape, then buy guns, okay?” Zazz asked, makin’ his plan.

“Yeah, alright.” BUT THEN… the LEGENDARY Someone Jones, Mohawk Jill, and Zane Truesdale entered the room. They glared at the brothers.

 

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” they cried, leaping out the second-story windows and escaping! They headed into the dense forests of Episode Seventeen!

“There ‘dey go!” announced Dustin, the Old Copper Man, standing by the waterfall with Ms. Dorothy and Countergirl Williams!

“Huh?” gasped the two idiot bros.

“Boy, you’re about to get clobbered,” Ms. Dorothy warned.

“’Kay, Dan, dey’re heyah,” Countergirl Williams called, with her overly-thick accent.

“YAAAAAHH!!” shouted Dan the Drawer, somehow buff and muscular again, holding two Sammiches!! He got close to the two enemies and stuck the Sammiches in their mouths SO hard that they were pushed through the forest and several trees, all the way to the Electrical Generator Holding Pin from Episode Nine!

 

“Ugh,” Slade grunted.

“Gulp,” swallowed Zazz. “Well, at least I got grape-flavored…”

“THAT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO PEACH MANGO PASSION FLAVOR!!” shouted Raspberyl, and she was right! She stood next to a lever in the ground.

“How are you even IN this universe?!”

“It’s the Grand Finale!” Raspberyl reminded! “How could I NOT be here?!” She pulled the lever, allowing the generators to short out and fire electricity like crazy!!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!”

Raspberyl opened out her hand and summoned a cool spell book out of nowhere and touched a page in the book. “Looks like we need a MEGA Fire spell, here,” she estimated. An intricate spell circle appeared around the pen, spun slowly, and summoned an explosive burst of flame! Once again, the guys were shot through the island, for 21093 damage this time around. “My current level’s 8397,” Raspberyl explained.

 

This time, though, they actually landed on the island’s piers, where their helicopters were located! “We made it!” Zazz cried in jubilee!

“Oh, CRRAAAAAAAP,” Slade realized, watching a swarm of students racing across the famous suspension bridge of the island!

“What, they’re far away from us, so we can make it!” Zazz shrugged.

“No, LOOK.” Slade pointed to a nearby staircase from nowhere.

“Why’s there stairs here?”

“No, IT’S AN UNDERPASS,” Slade whispered! “A FEW KIDS WILL NOTICE THAT THE CORRESPONDING UNDERPASS IT ON THAT VERY BRIDGE, AND THEN THOSE FEW WILL STILL MAKE IT OVER HERE AND GET US.”

“Th-th-then get in the helicopter already!!” Zazz rushed!

“They’re over here!” cried Beehive Larry!

“Thanks for doin’ your part this season!” thanked Jaden! He, Syrus, Koala Ko Ala, Billy Hills, Deep-Voice Dobbson, Bastion, Chazz, Barry the Beginner and Raspberyl were all on the scene, after using the helpful underpass system.

“Aw, COME ON!!” begged Slade! “HER AGAIN?!”

“Hey, I’m awesome!” Raspberyl reasoned.

“While it cut away, I got the chopper!” Zazz announced, now flying the helicopter! He let out a rope ladder, which Slade grabbed and climbed up!

“HAHAHAHA!!” Slade savagely laughed! “WE’LL BE BACK, YOU TWERPS! WITH GUNS!! WE’LL KILL YOU ALL FOR THIS, THANKS TO YOUR SCHOOL’S POLICIES ON KILLING!! HAHAHAHAHA!!” The chopper flew away, over the ocean…

 

“Tch,” Chazz ‘tch’-ed, “we’ll never catch them now…”

“Yes we will,” Jaden affirmed, looking at Koala Ko Ala.

“Got it,” Koala Ko Ala nodded. Dad, please let me call upon your power… Koala Ko Ala reached within his most dormant genes and pulled out the one trait he needed the most right now… “HEY YA BIG DUMDUMS STOP RIGHT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!” he shouted at the top of his lungs, forcing the helicopter to explode!

“YEEEEEAAAAAAH!!” cheered the group! They had just exacted their revenge—WHAT?! Alas, the Princeton brothers were still flying in the air, using their personal JETPACKS!!?

“Aw, dang it, I reckon,” Billy Hills complained, “now we’re gonna have ta’ get REAL extreme.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” Chazz asked.

“Easy;” Jaden told, “we’re about to activate FORMATION: 96-48B A LA MODE!!” Jaden grabbed Chazz and put him on his back.

“Hey, wait! PUT ME DOWN!!” Chazz ordered!

“No, this is it!” Bastion then grabbed Jaden, who was grabbed by Billy Hills and Deep Voice Dobbson and held in the air by their feet!

“We explicitly need Raspberyl for this plan to work, so it’s a good thing she showed up for the finale!” Syrus sighed.

“I just wish I could do something,” Barry the Beginner said. “Good luck! Because they’re getting guns. We can’t let them bring guns.”

 

“BRAVEHEART!!” cast Raspberyl, holding her cool book out! Syrus glowed a little bit and became STRONG!!

“OOOOOOOOOOORRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” screamed Syrus, punching Billy Hills and Deep Voice Dobbson sixty feet into the air!

“HUH I RECKON HUH!!” they grunted, tossing their burdens out over the sea!

“Okay, Jaden, leap off my back!” Bastion ordered!

“Okay, yo,” Jaden agreed, standing on a flying Bastion’s back, and then leaping off with as much force as possible!

“HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!” Chazz asked calmly.

“I stopped askin’ THAT kinda stuff years ago!” Jaden said! “Now, when we get close enough, you jump off too and grab’m, okay?”

“Um, got it?”

 

“Zazz, ZAZZ!! They’re catching up to us!!” panicked Slade, flying his jetpack with Zazz, who noticed the fact that JADEN AND CHAZZ WERE FLYING FASTER THAN THEM.

“Aw, man! We’re dead!! Oh wait,” Zazz looked at his manual for the jetpacks. “It says that we can activate ‘Hyperdrive’ if we press a button on the backs!”

“Okay, okay!!” They both spied a big, red, shiny button on each other’s jetpacks. Fumbling around, they attempted to push in the buttons!

“Okay, Chazz, get ready!” they heard from behind, as Jaden and Chazz were now around twenty feet away!

“GAAAAH!!” The two guys finally smashed in the buttons simultaneously, instantly doubling their speed!!

 

Aw man!! Jaden cursed!

We were so close!! thought Chazz!

“It’s MY TURN!!” Barry the Beginner decided! Summoning all the energy in his heart, he activated a power lost long ago… a golden eye of Wdjat opened on his forehead! “YU-GI-OOOOOOOOH!!” Barry the Beginner, who you should know was actually Yugi Muto from before, yeah, you should remember that, used ancient Egyptian energy to grow TWO INCHES TALLER. He pulled out a card from his deck box, the trusty DARK MAGICIAN Girl.

 

“I can afford to waste THIS one!” he said! “NOW, JADEN, RIDE UPON MY ENERGIES AND WIIIIIIIN!!” He leaped and threw the card with as much energy as he could out over the open sea as Billy Hills, Deep-Voice Dobbson and Bastion hit the ocean. The card spun like a Frisbee from HEAVEN and sliced the ocean’s salty air, managing to fly near Jaden!

“Aw yeah, thanks, Yugi! I mean Barry!” Jaden thanked, standing atop the small trading card!

“How are you doing THIS?!” Chazz asked!

“Easy! I’m determined to keep this island safe!” Jaden answered! “We can’t let them kidnap a student, nor try to return and assassinate the entire student body! Now, Chazz… crap, we’re still not fast enough.” Jaden and Chazz were slowly getting further and further from their targets.

“Aw, DAMN it!” Chazz cursed! “How can we gain more speed?!”

“Just jump off of me, I’ve got it!” Jaden firmly believed!

“What? Now?”

“YEAH JUST GO FOR IT!!” Jaden leaned over so Chazz could stand up straight.

“I’ll try my best!” Chazz promised! “HAAAAAAH!!” He bounded off of Jaden with force unheard of in a human being!

“AND TRY THIS ON FOR SIIIIIIZE!!” Jaden tossed ELEMENTAL HERO AVIAN out as well!! The card swooped up next to Chazz and released its Duel Spirit!

“Chazz,” Avian urged, “grab on! I can fly!”

“Alright!” Chazz climbed onto Avian’s back! Avian stretched out his wings and SOARED after the criminally mean brothers!

 

“Chazz…” Avian groaned.

“What’s up? We’re about to get them!”

“No, but Chazz…”

“What’s wrong? Tell me?”

“Eh, um…Chazz?”

“WHAAAAAT?!”

“We’re sinking,” Avian said, slowly falling to the salty sea.

“WHAAAAAT?!?!”

“But you’re HEAVY!!” complained Avian!

“Damn it, can you do ANYTHING RIGHT?!”

 

“Zazz, we’re in the clear!” Slade cheered! “They’re riding AVIAN! That means they HAVE to fail!”

“Okay, so do you know a reputable gun dealer?” Zazz asked.

“Yeah, it’s called the ‘Revengers Gun Shop’, located on the corner of Bleeding Heart and Plush Avenue. They have a sale on AK-47s this week.”

“Oh, that sounds nice.”

 

“STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID AVIAAAAAN!!” Chazz roared! “YOU FAIL AT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!”

“It’s not MY fault!” Avian said, making excuses.

“Actually, it is!”

“Aw.”

“BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!” said the collective voices of fifty souls from out of nowhere!

“That’s North Academy!” Chazz noticed! “But where…!!” The North Academy submarine was following as fast as it could under the surf, but not fast enough.

“Quick, Chazz,” Spike-Hair the Blue called, “watch out!”

“Spike-Hair! Guys! Thanks!” Chazz thanked!

“We’re about to fire the proton cannon, so you can use it to your advantage, y’all!” Jesse Anderson shouted!

“W-wait, how are we gonna…?” Avian wondered.

“Alright, guys, let’s do it!!” Chazz allowed!

Jesse and the crew were all stuck in a very cramped submarine. Squished into too many other people, Jesse said, “OKAY BOYS, FAR’ TH’ PROTON CANNON!!”

“SIR YES SIR!!” Several people fiddled around with buttons, levers, and switches, until they finally pressed the ‘Proton Cannon’ button!

“So, like I asked, how will this work?” Avian asked, sinking lower than before.

“HOLD ON!!” Chazz said! He clamped on tightly to Avian’s back as a yellow laser beam struck the feathered friend!

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” poor Avian screeched! But it was necessary! The laser was pushing the duo further and faster than before! It was only a matter of time until…

 

“Ohshitthey’recomming,” Zazz gasped, realizing what was going down.

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!” Slade cried!! “WE’RE GONNA GET HIT BY AVIAN AND A LASER!!”

 

“COME ON!!” Chazz encouraged, riding on Avian in a cool-looking way! “COME ON, WE’RE ALMOST THERE!!”

“EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!! OW!!” Avian yelped!

“We’re almost there… almost… almoooooost—AHH!”

“AHH!”

“YEOWCH!!”

“AAARGH!!” The four guys all crashed into each other, and Avian was finally destroyed by battle. The three Princetons fell into the ocean!

“Waah!” they gasped, popping over the waves! Zazz and Slade stared hatefully at Chazz!

“Oh this is just GREAT,” Zazz said angrily, “you just made us lose our rides! Our helicopters, our jetpacks, everything!”

“Now how will we get to land in order to kill your friends, huh?” Slade asked.

“Oh, just drown yourselves, why don’cha?” Chazz impertinently asked, folding his arms.

 

“This is all YOUR fault!!” Slade growled, pushing Chazz underwater!

“Ahh! Glub glub glub!” Chazz glubbed! “Ugh!” He got out from his grasp! “Don’t… YOU… TOUCH MEEEEE!!” Chazz placed all of his hatred into his fist and punched Slade’s chest as hard as he could!! It made a lame ‘thunk’ sound, and that was about it.

“What a wimp, ha ha ha!” laughed Slade! “That’s ALL you can do? Try THIS on for size!!” Slade pushed Chazz underwater again.

“Glugluglug—RAH!” Chazz broke out from his grasp again! “That won’t work on me a third time—GLUBGLUBGLUB!!”

“Man, this is too easy,” Slade sighed, still holding his brother down. He grabbed him by the arms and pulled him out.

“Ugh! Heh…heh…heh…” Chazz gasped for air this time.

“Aw, so you can’t do anything about us?” Slade asked.

“A word to the wise, Chazz,” Zazz said, “if you’re gonna BE someone’s little brother, expect to get bullied a lot!” Zazz grabbed his head and began roughly noogie-ing him!

“AHH! NO! NO NOOGIES!!” Chazz begged faliling his arms! “AAAAAAHHH!!”

“NOOGIENOOGIENOOGIENOOGIENOOGIE!!” Zazz laughed! “WAHAHAHAHA!! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR WASTING ALL THAT MONEY!!”

 

No, no! NO! Chazz despaired! It can’t END like this! Getting bullied in the middle of the ocean, where you know nobody can help you! Being all by myself… this feeling of hopelessness… how did it come to this?!

“Hey, kids,” somebody ordered, “leave your little brother alone!”

“Who says?” asked Zazz. He and Slade looked up at Crowler, riding a wooden boat! “OHMYGOSHADRAGQUEEN!!”

“What did you just call me?” Crowler asked.

“A drag queen, ew!” Zazz repeated! “OW!!” Crowler soundly kicked him in the ear! “AHH, MY EAR!!”

“One: I am NOT a DRAG QUEEN, I am a WOMAN!!” Crowler corrected, stomping on him to Slades’ horror! “A NATURAL-BORN WOMAN!!”

“AHH!!” Zazz let go of Chazz and grabbed his head in pain!

“Two: GAYCISM AND HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG! GAYS ARE IMPORTANT MEMBERS OF SOCIETY AS WELL!!” Crowler lifted the boat out from under herself and smashed it over Slade’s head!

“ARGH, THAT WOODEN BOAT HURTS!!”

“Three: GET AWAY FROM MY SON!!” Crowler, levitating with energy, lifted up the two bad guys and energized her fists, now full of collars!

“Wait, what’s he doing? What is he doing?!” Zazz asked, questioning the existence of Crowler having magical powers.

“I SAID I AM NOT A MAN!!” Crowler released all of her energy as a purple beam of power!! The Princeton Duo was fired away around half of the area they’d just travelled across the ocean already!

 

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!” They were now utterly devoid of any energy left in their bodies, but at least the laser was gone, and replaced with Crowler zooming across the water with Chazz on her shoulders and a massive sword-shaped Duel Disk covered in red sparks—HOLY CRAP!! Whilst slicing them, she added in some sort of energy blast, taking the form of a magenta crescent. The result caused Slade and Zazz to bounce off the hard floor of the piers, covered in flames, while Crowler and son had a smooth, cool landing.

“Aw, man, ugh…” Slade moaned in pain.

“Slade… Slade, look up…” Zazz warned, pointing at the 50 students of North Academy, 3412 students of Duel Academy, and 108 miscellaneous faculty members staring them down.

“I knew they’d get here soon…” said Slade. Using an utterly painful amount of effort, the two stood once more.

“Uh, we promise to never come back, ever, and also never shoot you people on sight,” Zazz promised, “as long as you let us leave and seek medical attention.”

“Hmm…” pondered the schools.

“But really, we’re still going to do just that, what you said we won’t, after we’re better and buy guns, right?” Slade asked, just to make sure!

“NO!!” the schools decided.

“Slade, I really hate you right now.”

 

“GET’CHERGAMEON!!” Jaden shouted, pushing them into the humongous angry mob! They proceeded to beat the living daylights out of them, again. Then, the opportunity arrived, and they were tossed into the air, for the SECOND-TO-LAST TIME.

“It’s all you, Chazz, huh!!” Deep-Voice Dobbson exclaimed!

“Aaaaaaaah…” Chazz folded his arms and bent his fingers into terrible claws! “AAAAAH…” His eyes flashed! “CHAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLASTXXXPOWERNEOSHOOOOOOOT!!” His eyes fired off the biggest ‘chazzisawesomeenergyblast’ of his life!

“Send’m to the moon!” suggested Nancy Wut!

“HAAAAAAAAAH!!” Chazz’s blast of power fired them into the big, shiny white dome of the academy.

 

Inside the dome was Janitorboy Ikkaku, standing around in the teacher’s lounge, as his noose had just broken off of a coat-hanger thanks to those two boys. “Wha—my noose!!” he cried! “Now I’m gonna have to clean up… THAT ENTIRE MESS?!”

“I-it wasn’t our f-fault…” Slade mumbled.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!” Ikkaku summoned the giant blades from the link provided and slammed the two guys upward though the sunset-lit sky, all the way to the moon.

 

MEANWHILE…

Somewhere on the moon, in one of its many eucalyptus tree plantations run by koalas, Zazz and Slade had been knocked straight through one of several nearby trees, scaring off several koalas employed to pick and juice the leaves. “A…at least… it’s over…” Zazz sighed.

“Ew, eucalyptus,” Slade spat, getting leaves out of his mouth.

“HEY,” a tremendously awesome man’s voice boomed, “WHADDA’ YA DUMDUMS THINK YOU’RE DOIN’ HERE?!” The man’s nose was large and koala-like.

“Wait, aren’t you that koala kid?!”

“SHUT YOUR SUCKETTY MOUTHS AND DIIIIIIE!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

 

And that is the story of how Zazz and Slade Princeton got their jobs working for Koala Juice Co., run by Koala Ko Ala’s dad, on the moon.

 

MEANWHILE…

“WE DID IT!!” the kids cheered! And a few teachers, too.

“We completely mauled two men who tried to take advantage of the kid for world domination by running them through the kinds of torture the human body can’t even COMPREHEND of withstanding!” Syrus said! Everybody stared at the killjoy. “Eh, but they were going for world domination, and they said they wanted to kill all us kids and stuff. So that means it’s okay!”

“WOOOOOOOOT!!”

 

“Mum, you were awesome out there!” Chazz congratulated to Crowler!

“Hm, well, yes, I’m your mother,” Crowler said, “so I must protect you no matter what, and all that…”

“That SWORD thing was totally SWEET, teach!” Jaden shouted, leaping up to the plate!

“Look, YUCKY boy, I know that you just did everything in your power to stop my son from defecting to the dark side, but that doesn’t mean I can forgive you, for the sake of a running joke or two, you understand?” Crowler growled, turning back to normal, back to dumb.

“Don’t worry, teach, chill!” Jaden urged, slapping it on the back.

“No, I most certainly will NOT chill! Now, son, would you like to go out for ice cream?” offered it.

“Okay!” Chazz accepted, walking off with Crowler, and getting hi-fives from all the students he passed by.

“WE WILL NEVER FORGET THIS NIGHT!!” the North Academy guys cried!

“SHUT UP!! My hand hurts from all the hi-fives now, ow!” And Jaden watched the two leave the scene.

“There goes a great kid and an even greater mom, yo,” Jaden sighed.

“Are you sure?” Syrus wondered. “Because she’s still out for petty revenge and stuff.”

“Hey, don’t be talkin’ to me ‘bout moms, ‘cause I KNOW ‘bout moms, thanks to MY great mom, yo! Step off, Sy!”

“But…”

“Today taught me something… that without moms, we wouldn’t even be here…” Jaden said, wistfully.

“Well, duh,” Syrus sy-ed. His hair wiggled a bit.

…Son… the hair sniffed.

 

As Chazz and Crowler walked off the piers, they ran into SeaweedMan! “What is it, Mr. Seaweed, we’re on our way to some bonding experience!” Crowler said.

“Oh, well I have to talk to Chazz about something~” SeaweedMan said. “Chazz, you sucked out there, because you had a good Trap that you never even used~ See, I remember~ Because it was right there~”

“So?”

“You just cost yourself the school, AND world domination~ Plus, you made me lose a bet with Shepherd~ So I’m expelling you for your insolence~” SeaweedMan explained.

“Hey, you can’t just fire me from school!” Chazz argued! “That’s because I quit, so you can’t have the satisfaction!”

“Actually, no, people can’t be fired from school~ I’m expelling you~ Plus, I said I would before you tried to quit, so I win THIS round, Princeton~” SeaweedMan walked away. Chazz and Crowler shrugged.

“Hey mum, can I have sprinkles?”

“Why not?”

“Yay!”

Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson watched them leave from the shadows, and they smiled.

 

“Okay, and that means that Chazz is coming back to Duel Academy,” Prof. Banner said, holding Garfield the cat, on a stage, with a microphone, at the piers, with several commas, “and that also means that he’ll be starting out as a Slifer Red again due to rules and regulations.”

“We quit too, I reckon!” Billy Hills reckoned, flying onto the stage!

“Me three, huh, new headmaster, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson added, leaping next to Billy Hills.

“SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN,” Banner ordered, kicking them away into the crowd. “Anyways, now that the awesome-yet-funny, though-could’ve-been-vastly-better-written montage scene is over, we can now go to the awards ceremony, since the headmasters made a bet and are forcing you to watch the outcome. Yes, I know it’s stupid too, but I get paid extra to announce it.”

“MEOW,” Grafield meowed in his fancy voice. He and Banner left the stage as SeaweedMan and Shepherd entered. Shepherd was bouncing with excitement, which is very creepy, coming from such a semi-old guy.

 

“Okay, so, as we all know, Duel Academy’s original Jaden Yuki beat North Academy’s short-time duelist, Chazz Princeton, which you may have forgotten during the beat-down,” reminded Banner, “so this means that Shepherd wins a thing!”

“YEA-YUSS!!” cheered Shepherd, with arm-pumping action, much to SeaweedMan’s annoyance.

“And before unveiling the award, Shepherd had placed the entire school up for bet, which was really, really stupid,” Banner said, “but now we will bring out Shepherd’s new thing nobody else cares about!” A large dump-truck began slowly backing up towards the stage and then stopped once it had reached a large red ‘X’.

“OKAY, BOYS, DUMP IT ALL!!” Shepherd ordered! The dump truck emptied its haul, 1.3 metric tons of vanilla ice cream, all over the event stage!

“NOOOO, NOT MY ICE CREAM RESERVES~” SeaweedMan cried! “DON’T GET IT ALL OVER THE STAGE~ OH, IT WAS SO EASY TO STORE IN SOUTHERN GEORGIA, BUT NOW IT WILL MEEEEEELT~”

“Shut up, LOSER-boy!” Shepherd laughed, taking out a silver spoon and digging in. None of the now-disgusted students really felt like watching, so they went their separate ways. SeaweedMan and his students piled into the submarine, which was no easy task, and went back to Georgia.

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIII GAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIZ!!” Duel Academy shouted, waving at the sub as it departed. From its roof popped out a giant robotic arm with a comical glove. It waved back, signaling a new era of friendship between Georgia and Japan.

 

And it was a long era, and there was much partying.

 

**********

 

“Hey, Big Kid?” asked Depressed Kid.

“Hm?” Big Kid responded.

“How come we weren’t featured with all the other characters of the season?” Depressed Kid asked.

“…” Big Kid shrugged.

 

Meanwhile, atop the shining white dome of the Duel Academy building, Yugi sat with a bottle of beer, looking toward the crimson sunset. “You’ve raised one hell of a child, Tea,” Yugi toasted, raising his drink.

 

 

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I don't like this arc myself, but read it anyways if you must.

 

[spoiler=Episode 27: Duels on Duel Island]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 27: Duels on Duel Island

 

The sun was shinin’, the volcano was spewing toxic fumes into the atmosphere, and there were no classes going on! Why? Because of the massive, school-wide assembly!

 

Every student and teacher was seated in the Duel Dome, anxiously awaiting something apparently cool that was bound to happen. In the center of it all was a massive, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon-shaped bingo ball machine, which some people felt was oddly nostalgic. Every student’s name was printed on one of the hundreds of balls inside the machine. Chancellor Shepherd and a kid with a ducktail hairdo and pink tux parachuted down from the massive skylight to massive applause and onto the head of the machine. The middle head, to be exact. “Now students,” Shepherd began, taking out a microphone, “I bet you’re all wondering why you’re here.”

“You BET we are, dammit!!” yelled Someone Jones.

“Well you can just shut up. Every four years at this school, we host a massive, school-wide competition, right after the School Duel against North Academy, against the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy.”

“Four years?!” some guy gasped.

“It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance!” another guy exclaimed.

“I smell conspiracy!” Angry McArgue yelled.

“AAAAnyways, you’re ALL instantly entered into the drawing, because you decided to enroll here. If you’re too wimpy, you’re better off dropping out now before humiliating yourself.”

“I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!” Syrus screamed.

“Too late! The rules of this thing are as follows…” Shepherd took out an overly-long scroll, which unfurled all the way down the massive machine and onto the floor below.

 

“Er, ahem! ‘This ex-CITING machine will vomit six bingo balls onto the floor, and the kids whose names are listed on said bingo balls will be flown via helicopter onto a deserted island to hunt down and duel the kids from the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy, thus winning a special prize for defeating them all, which is still a secret.’” Done reading, he quickly wrapped his scroll up once more and put it behind his back mysteriously.

“Why’s it so FREAKING HUGE if that’s all that was written?!” ordered an enraged Beehive Larry.

“Because… it’s really my must-watch movie list!”

“That was a TERRIBLE joke!”

“But I really love movies!”

“WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT, SO IT’S UNFUNNY!!”

Defeated, Chancellor Shepherd gave his microphone to the ducktail kid. “EVREHBODEH LISSEN!!” the boy roared! The crowd burst into thunderous applause! “That Mickey Ducktail’s gonna be big someday,” Nancy Wut predicted, wiping away a single tear.

 

“Hmph,” Chazz sighed. “We ALL know that Jaden’s gonna get picked first.”

“I reckon you’re right,” Billy Hills reckoned.

“Why is Jaden ALWAYS the one to do stuff, huh, Chazz, huh?” asked Deep-Voice Dobbson.

“Cause, yo,” Jaden explained, poking his head out between Chazz and Deep-Voice Dobbson’s, freaking both out, “SOMEBODY’S gotta bring ‘da E-Heroes into this thang!”

“Jaden, don’t do that,” suggested Syrus, pulling him away while sitting behind the Chazz Black Coat trio.

“You can be creepy like that, Jaden,” Mann McOldsmobile said, seated with the two.

“WHERE AM I?!” Koala Ko Ala screamed, not there.

 

“AN’ ‘DA BINGO BALLZ-TO-‘DA-WALLZ ACTION IZ A-HEATIN’ UP!!” cried Mickey Ducktail, leaping to the ground!! A dragon head threw up a bingo ball, which Mickey Ducktail picked up off of a fluffy mat. “CHAAAAAAZZ PRINCETOOOON!!” he shouted!

“WHA?!” Chazz gasped!

“Hey Chazz, I reckon ‘yer goin’ on a wil’ excursion!” congratulated Billy Hills.

“Who said I even WANTED to go?” growled Chazz.

“Who cares, kid, you’re in!” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“Everyone was entered, huh, Chazz, huh, so you had as good a chance as any,” Deep-Voice Dobbson informed.

“BILLEH HIIIILLZ!!” Mickey Ducktail screeched.

“Wha?!” Jaden looked around. “Who the HELL is Billy Hills, and why was he chosen instead of me?” Jaden asked. Everybody in the Duel Dome pointed to Billy Hills, who was visibly sad. “Oh. Sorry, yo.”

 

“Well, WOO-HOO, who cares, ‘cause I’m goin’ too, I reckon!” Billy Hills cheered, casting away his disappointment!

“Well that sucks,” Chazz groaned. “JUST SHUT UP! YOUR STUPID ACCENT’S REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES!!”

“You’re mean,” Syrus remarked, “whatever happened to you becoming awesome in the last episode?”

“I got over it.”

“Well, I’m gonna go on that island for SURE now, huh, Jaden, huh, now that all my friends are goin’, and there’s nuthin’ you can do ‘bout it!” Deep-Voice Dobbson assured! His and Jaden’s harsh gazes met and locked.

“Yeah, WRONG, buddy, because I do EVERYTHING around here at THIS school! Like Chazz in that other school, except it’s less creepy! So get’cher game on!” Jaden said, excited!

“BOO,” someone said.

“AAAAAAND THE NEXT DUELIST IS SYRUS TRUESDALE!!”

“WHAAAAT?!” Syrus screamed, just before Chazz himself could. Chazz slapped him.

“Stop stealing my lines!!”

“Ow! How?”

“Hey, don’t hit my friend for a dumb reason, or else I’ll hit you for a GOOD reason!” ordered Jaden. “Plus, I won’t help you when your Armed Dragon deck gets ‘ya into a big pinch!”

But just then, Ojama Yellow appeared on Chazz’s shoulder! “Hey, he’s right, boss!” he agreed. “Armed Dragon stinks! You should use an Ojama deck instead.”

“No.”

“Hi, Ojama Yellow!”

“Hey, Jaden!”

“STOP TALKING!!”

“Okay, boss!”

“…I reckon.”

 

“THE NEXT DUELIST IIIIS NANCEH WUT!!” Ducktail Mickey exclaimed.

“Oh, hooray!” could be heard from across the Duel Dome, uttered by Nancy Wut.

“Jaden, PLEASE come with us!” Syrus pleaded! “I can’t be alone with HER! I’ll go MAD!!”

“Hold ‘yer Trojan Horse cards, G,” Jaden said, “I’ll go, you ‘kin bet on it!”

“Unless I win, huh, Jaden!” Deep-Voice Dobbson challenged!

“Well, what if you BOTH win?” wondered Ojama Yellow.

“ANGRY MCARGUE!!” There was much applause all around.

“B-but why HER?!” Syrus begged, beginning to bury his head in his hands and cry.

“Aw, don’t cry, Sy!” Jaden soothed. “Hey! It rhymed!”

“THIS IS THE THIRD-WORST DAY EVER!! Waaaah…”

“YOU JINXED IT!” Chazz grumbled loudly. “DAMN YOU, YELLOW! I CAN’T WORK WITH THAT BROAD!”

“H-hey, I’m sorry, boss,” Ojama Yellow apologized.

“I don’t really have any lines in this scene, so I’ll just go now,” decided Mann McOldsmobile, leaving.

“Either way,” Deep-Voice Dobbson said in his gravelly voice, “this is gonna be the mental-match of the century, huh, Jaden, huh?”

“I’m ready ‘ta THROW DOWN!” said Jaden, rarin’ to go.

“BOO,” someone said. The boys’ eyes flashed before shooting lightning bolts. The bolts connected into a solid current of electricity, and the air turned so utterly tense that everybody stopped to stare, and the air became ripply and foggy. Within seconds, the Duel Dome was full of storm clouds! The entire school stopped what stupid stuff they were doing and gave them their full attention.

 

“Excuse me, huh, Jaden, but don’t I remember beating you in a duel before?” Deep-Voice Dobson reminded.

“OOOOOH!!” gasped the audience, at the utterance of such a dig.

“Well that’s not what happened in the ANIME,” Jaden recalled.

“OOOOH-HOO-HOO!!” giggled the audience, at the utterance of such a different dig. Slowly, the two rivals began levitating out of their seats and into the air, slowly rotating around eachother at an epic pace.

“I’m not gonna ask,” Syrus sy-ed.

 

The student body couldn’t help but begin chanting slowly, “Tough times… hard climbs…”

“What IS this?!” Chazz screamed!

“…we’ll take ‘em on to-ge-thah,” joined in Ojama Yellow.

“NOT YOU, TOO!!”

“But right now, let’s go. Yu-Gi-Oh GX, Generation Nex—”

“BASTION MISAWAAAAAAA!!” declared Ducktail Mickey, immediately ending the song that you were listening to while reading. Jaden and Deep-Voice Dobbson stopped rotating, and the sky returned to normal.

“…What?”

“Oh, happiest of days!” Bastion cheered. Jaden and Deep-Voice Dobbson crashed onto the ground, ,and the school screamed in appreciation for Bastion’s existence.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” they screamed! They began lifting and carrying him around as confetti sprinkled down from the sky. A massive ‘YOU DID IT, BASTION!’ banner unfurled from the ceiling!

“Um, am I the only one who remembered what just happened?” wondered Chazz, and Alexis for bonus points.

 

“DAAAAAAAAMN!!” Jaden cried, with manly tears streaming from his eyes! “THIS IS SO STUPID!!”

“I actually agree,” Chazz gulped.

“WHAT THE ‘F’ JUST HAPPENED?!” Syrus demanded, royally confused.

“Bastion, huh, won’t help us win,” Deep-Voice Dobbson roared, “HE NEVER WINS!!”

“But I SURE can duel a tie match, ha ha,” Bastion responded.

“But hey,” Piggybank noticed, “they just INSULTED BASTION!”

“THEY DID WHAT?!” somebody gasped!

“GET’M!” A mob of rabid, morbid Bastion fans rapidly approached Jaden and Deep-Voice Dobbson, the ones who had brought them together just a minute ago. Chancellor Shepherd took this moment to activate the ‘BLAH’ alarm from atop the dragon lottery machine.

BLAH.” shouted the emergency alarm.

“WOAH!” The mob was so surprised that it calmed down and returned to normal.

 

“Now that I’ve got your attention,” Shepherd said, “to those who have been chosen: you are now allowed to gloat.”

“Ha, I reckon!” laughed Billy Hills, pointing in Deep-Voice Dobbson’s face.

“Huh, aw.”

“Now to the real business afoot,” Shepherd continued, “you’re the six that can DEFINETLY beat those loser duelists from the, *ahem,* OTHER Japanese Duel Academy. The idiots over there are getting pulled into the idea that using cards based on pop culture references is ‘KEWL’ and ‘FTW’. But we’re gonna take that ‘waaaave of the future’ crap, and shove it back up their collective butts!”

“Hey, that sounded EDGY!” Barry the Beginner shouted! “Let’s all cheer for him!”

“YEAAAAAAH!!” cheered two people! Barry the Beginner felt deflated and useless.

“Hey,” piped up Baseball Bob, “aren’t the ‘Six Samurai’ monsters based off of ‘The Seven Samurai’ movie or whatever it was called, patent pending, no purchase necessary?”

“Yes.”

“LET’S KICK SOME BUTT!!” roared the entire school, souls united as one under the hot summer sun! In early spring, since it’s that semester and stuff.

“Alas, for those of you who are wondering what the PRIZE for winning is, it’ll be revealed at the end of the dueling stuff. But you’re SURE ‘ta love it!” Nobody seemed to care; they were too busy cheering.

“KICK SUM’ ASS!!” shouted Mann McOldsmobile from a random seat.

“Oh well, yo,” Jaden secretly plotted, “I’ll get the E-Heroes into this thing SOMEHOW…”

“Seriously though, Jaden,” Syrus worried, “what was that thing earlier all about?”

 

MEANWHILE…

Koala Ko Ala woke up from a horrible dream, bathed in sunlight from the open window. “Oh gosh, I had a dream where I was being ignored…” He picked up a Sammich and felt at ease. Rubbing his eyes, he asked himself, “What will I do today…”

 

LATER! THAT!! MORNING!!!

We cut over to the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy suddenly, in their own light-green Duel Dome of destiny, where hundreds of anime geeks in school uniforms (at THIS Duel Academy, it’s the same clothing, except they have TALLER COLLARS) were drowning a girl in support. She had been picked for the dueling excursion, and was well-known as the most important duelist at school.

“YEEEEAH!! YU-KI! YU-KI! YU-KI!” they chanted!

“We’ll win for sure~” some guy cried in happiness.

The girl, brown-haired, Slifer Red, and apparently named Yuki, aimed her pointer finger skyward and roared, “GET YOUR DUEL ON!!”

 

A LIL’! MORE!! LATER!!!

The cast of Kaibaland Duel Academy had gathered up around the school heliport (they could afford it) to watch the lucky dawgs lift off for their ‘wil’ excursion’. It was being piloted by that crazy American ship captain from the fourth episode. You know the one. “ALRIGHT NOW,” he yelled, “READY TO KICK SOME NERDY TAIL?!”

“Maybe,” said one kid. The captain stared at him oddly.

 

“Okay, Dobbson,” Chazz asked his friend, “can you PLEASE hold onto Ojama Yellow for me while I win this whole thing?”

“Huh, okay, huh.” Deep-Voice Dobbson took the card with pride.

“Hey, it’s Dobbson!” Ojama Yellow exclaimed, sprouting from the card, complete with his annoying theme tune.

“Stop the song.”

“Okay, boss.” It stopped.

“I’ll take GOOD care ‘o him, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson promised.

“Take care,” Billy Hills commanded, “I reckon we’ll be back by t’morrer!” Deep-Voice Dobbson and Ojama Yellow waved as the two guys headed to the ‘copter, squeezing past hundreds of students.

 

“Syrus, are you sure you’ll be fine, yo?” Jaden checked.

“Y-yeah.”

“Do you need me to pack you any snacks?” Mann McOldsmobile checked.

“Y-yeah.”

“Aw, man,” Jaden sobbed, handing Syrus a plastic baggie full of crackers and a juice box, “we’re gonna miss ‘ya, foo’!”

“Guys, I won’t be gone long!” Syrus promised.

“Okay then.”

“Go get’m, tiger!” Mann McOldsmobile coached, pushing Syrus off on his own. “There goes one depressing kid.”

 

Alexis was with her own Alexis Group, looking hard at her two closest friends. “Okay, Angry, if Nancy goes berserk, you can hit her with this,” she said, handing Angry McArgue a wrench.

“Okay.”

“Nancy, if Angry gets too angry, you can use these,” Alexis warned, handing Nancy some chloroform and a rag.

“Okie-dokie.”

 

All six duelists approached the helicopter through a storm of thunderous applause. Bastion had a golden crown, a bouquet of flowers, and was sporting a new sapphire ring. “It’s hard to explain,” he sighed, throwing the gifts away.

“No, it’s just that you’re too LAZY to explain!” Angry McArgue screamed! Woah, she’s worse than me, Chazz thought.

 

And so, soon enough, the chopper took off, heading to one of the several smaller islands that we didn’t care about which made up the funky shape of Japan as we know it. Inside of the helicopter was a cushy room with sofas, for card-organizing in comfort. The kids were discussing important Duel Monsters information.

“Dark Magician!” Basstion exclaimed.

“Exodia!” Nancy Wut laughed.

“Winged Dragon of Ra!” Syrus reminded.

“So Chazz,” Billy said, “I reckon I kinda miss Dobbson.”

“Feh,” Chazz sighed, “he’d only hold us up by saying his catch-phrase all the time.”

“Yeah, well I reckon I’ll just organize m’deck a bit more before we get where we’re goin’.”

“Good idea, I guess.” Chazz took out his handy-dandy deck box and checked it out. “I got a Level Up card I need to add in here—WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!” Chazz took out an Elemental Hero Stratos card. “No!” He threw it away and found an Elemental Hero Lady Heat. “NO!!” He threw THAT away and found an Elemental Hero Ocean. “THIS IS NOT MY DECK!!”

 

“SHUT UUUP!! Angry McArgue punched him mso hard that a small breeze filled the entire aircraft. “Can’t you wait and have your nervous breakdown on the island or something?”

“Oh, you’re so askin’ for it,” Chazz growled, rubbing his hit cheek.

“Chazz, I reckon, DON’T!” Billy Hills gasped! “You KNOW what happens in almost every anime ever made when a boy attempts to touch a girl in any way, shape, OR form, I reckon!!”

“I DON’T CARE!!” Chazz clenched his fist, and punched Angry McArgue… in the breasts on accident. “Crap. You were right. And… I’m really worn about how I should feel right now.”

I’LL KILL YOU!!” Angry McArgue raged!!

“Stop!” Nancy Wut ordered! They did. “Boys aren’t allowed to hit girls!” She followed up this statement by hitting them both over the head with her bottle of chloroform, hard enough to push them through the floor like it were tissue paper.

“AAAAAAAAHH!!” Syrus screamed!

“WHAT HATH THOU DONE, LASS?!” Bastion yelled!

“I smashed them through the fuselage or something, yeah!” Nancy Wut winked.

 

An explosion rocked the entire helicopter. “Dang it, I can’t keep’er steady!” the captain grunted, struggling to keep the helicopter and his passengers safe. BUT HE WAS FAILING!! The chopper was wiggling around randomly and destructively! Meanwhile, in the helicopter nearby, carrying the kids from the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy, Marik Ishtar was piloting with something on his mind. Just so you know, he became a helicopter pilot just last week.

“Hmm,” he thought, “I think that tomorrow I’ll tell that girl I love her…” Then the two helicopters collided, killing him instantly. They both sputtered and crashed on opposite ends of a jungly island.

 

Because they landed on the SHADY side of the island, the people resurfacing from the OTHER helicopter were all SHADOWY with few visible features. “Man, that was CRAZY!” one of the five girls commented, being that Yuki from earlier.

“Shut it, I don’t care,” grumbled the girl with DEADLY spiky pigtails, “I just wanna get out of the water and dry off. Don’t talk to me.”

“Leave Yuki alone, you b****!! Waaah…” cried the smallest and there-by weakest one.

“Well, I’d say we should do what she suggested and get on that island,” suggested the British one.

“That sounds good,” supposed the lone boy in the clan, adjusting his glasses.

“I’m hungry,” said the fat one.

“Then let’s go, now that we’ve all said something!” decided Yuki.

“But what about the pilot?”

“Oh, you mean madly-popular Marik Ishtar? He’s dead. Yep, super-dead. His head was cut off and smashed. So he’s dead. Let’s go!” Upon Yuki’s command, they all headed onto the island.

 

MEANWHILE,

On the SUNNY side of the island, the Kaibaland Duel Academy kids were on the beach, catching their breath, save for Chazz and Angry McArgue. “Now that was TERRIBLE, I reckon.”

“Sorry for ‘sploding the ‘chopper,” Nancy Wut apologized.

“Aw, I can’t stay mad at you, you’re just too cute!” Bastion admitted.

“Come’re, kid!” Nancy Wut said. They hugged!

“Aw, it’s so cute,” Syrus admired. “Why can’t I find love?”

“Because you’re the straight-man, and they don’t deserve it!” Nancy Wut explained, as Bastion repeatedly licked her cheek in a disturbing fashion.

“Oh. And Bastion, stop being so creepy, Chazz and Angry are coming.” Syrus pointed out to sea as th two approached land, strangling each other. Sadly, Chazz couldn’t put his all into it, as Angry McArgue is TUFF.

“Woah!” They both tripped over the body of the unconscious captain.

“Uuurgh,” the captain grunted in pain, “ow that hurt.”

“Sir, are you alright?” Syrus asked, tugging him onto dry land with the help of Billy Hills.

“Yeah, I’m alright, I also sent out a distress signal.” He held out a grey box with a flashy light on it. “They’ll be sendin’ out some help ‘fer us’n no time.”

 

As they said that, Chancellor Shepherd and Crowler were playing Scrabble. “WEE-WOO WEE-WOO,” went a siren.

“What’s that?” Crowler asked.

“Oh, just something stupid,” Shepherd shrugged, pulling out a crowbar and smashing the alarm.

 

“Good, so let’s secure a food source!” Bastion quickly headed into the jungle, alone.

“Wait! If you go, you could be eaten by a tiger! And by eaten, I mean your bowels would be ripped out after a few good chomps! Oh, and then we’d come and scare it off, of course, but you’d be in so much pain! And you’d never survive until the help came for us!

“He’s already gone, nitwit,” Angry McArgue said.

“I don’t reckon there’re wil’ tigers in Japan, guys,” Billy Hills thought.

“Okay, then I’ll go secure some flora and fauna,” Syrus decided, following after Bastion.

“Wait, what about that second helicopter we hit?” Angry McArgue asked. “We need to look for it and see if there were any casualties!”

“The only loss was Marik,” the American reported.

“Oh, that’s okay then.”

“The island’s around two kilometers in diameter, so we’ll find ‘em all real soon,” the captain said.

“I didn’t ask that. Duelists, let’s go hunting.”

“Yayz!” Nancy Wut erupted.

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Chazz rushed, pushing Nancy Wut away, “who put YOU in charge, Miss Argue?”

“Chazz, I reckon that if you don’t agree with ‘er, don’t follow ‘er.”

“Hmph. Well, do you NOT want a good prize?” Angry McArgue asked harshly. Chazz sheepishly shook his head. “So you DON’T want a prize?”

“N-no, I DON’T NOT want a prize!”

“SPEAK NORMAL!”

“I DO want a prize!”

“Then get your ass in gear, Black-Coat Boy!” Chazz and Billy Hills looked at their cool coats and wondered what was wrong with them. Angry McArgue stormed off into the forest and Chazz followed. “Who told you to follow me?!”

“I was gonna TURN RIGHT THERE!!” Chazz pointed to a small stream, which apparently came from a nice waterfall, barely visible though through the thick foliage. The two split up and Billy Hills ran after his senior Black-Coat Boy.

“Wait, Chazz, I reckon I’m a-gonna follow you!”

“Bye, Mr. Captain!” Nancy Wut bid, leaving the immobilized man alone in the sand and sun.

“Wait! I injured my back! I can’t move my arms or legs! AT LEAST GET ME SOME SUNSCREEN!!”

 

The closer Chazz got to the falls, the more tropical the area seemed, impossible to the latitude and longitude, however. In fact, there was a nice lake with tropical fish at the top of the falls, but nobody cared. Chazz stopped at the bottom of the waterfall and broke off a cup-shaped leaf from a nearby cupleaf tree, named after Sir Roger Cupleaf. As he bent down to try and fill it with water, he looked up. “Huh.” On a high-up branch sat a monkey.

“O-O-Ah-Ah,” it stereotypically said.

“Oh, a monkey.” In a tree near the monkey’s tree, Chazz noticed some girl drying off her duel blazer, dripping with wetness, masked by the sunlight behind her. She noticed him.

 

“Kyaah! Perv!” She threw her blazer at Chazz’s face.

“Ugh! The sharp collar! It poked my eyes!” The girl took this opportunity to leap down and strike him… but she stopped as Chazz removed her coat from his head. Now Chazz could tell that the girl had black, spiny pigtails, girly eyes, and disturbingly resembled a female Chazz.

“AHH!!”

“EEK!! Who’re you and why do you look like me?!”

“Ugh, that’s what I wanna ask YOU!” Cazz retorted.

“You’re disgusting, spying on me!”

“WHO’D WANT TO SPY ON A GENDER-SWAPPED VERSION OF THEMSELVES?!” They both thought for a second. “Okay, what NORMAL PERSON would do that?!”

“You shut up, you disgusting freak of nature!”

“Lady, PLEASE don’t look at me! I don’t wanna see your face! You’re not cute! You’re disturbing!” That last part really got to her.

“ZAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLAST!!” The girl-Chazz opened her mouth and fired a large laser beam, relatable to the legendary ‘Arale N’Cha Beam’!

CHAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLAST!!” Chazz returned fire with his two smaller eye-beams! They collided and bounced off of each other into space and killed off four alien species somewhere.

 

“Wait, you’re named ‘Chazz’?” the girl asked.

“And you’re ‘Zazz’?” Chazz asked. “…THAT’S UNCREATIVE! We already HAVE a Zazz in THIS show!”

“WHA?!”

“MY EVIL BROTHER, ZAZZ PRINCETON!!”

“Our names are different, idiot!” Zazz growled. “I’m Zazz PRINCESSTON! DUH!”

“Shut up, s***-Girl!” Chazz shouted!

“s***-Face!”

“Dip-s***!”

“s***-s***!”

“That is IT!!” With a sound akin to a whip cracking, both idiots pulled out their Duel Disks in the blink of an eye!

(Chazz: 4000 Life Points, Zazz: 4000 Life Points)

“I’m going first, you Zazz RIP-OFF!” Zazz exclaimed! “I summon Godzilla!” The earth shook and quickly filled with ocean water. A giant beast roared, hidden in the deep!

“Wait, who?” Chazz asked, confused. “Godzilla? You people DO have dumb cards based on licensed stuff! That’s illegal, right?”

“Oh, Pegasus BOUGHT the rights!”

“Why does everybody use that excuse for everything?”

“Godzilla, go!” The water sank and receded as a massive reptilian behemoth showed its scaly face! But it really looked like a guy in a suit. A fifty-foot tall suit.

“GWAAAAAR!!” (Godzilla: 2300 Attack Points)

“These licensed cards aren’t ‘dumb’, they’re the wave of the future,” Zazz said in an impertinent manner, “what stupid cards do YOU have?”

 

“That’s just what some guy told me you’d say,” Chazz scoffed, drawing a card. What the hell? His new card was some sort of living flower. I knew all heroes were weaksauce! But a FLOWER card?! I can do better than THIS! No, wait, actually, I’m not so sure anymore… BECAUSE JADEN STOLE MY GOOD DECK!!

Get ‘yo game on! mocked Hallucinatory-Jaden.

When I get back… WHEN I GET BACK…

 

Chazz was covered in the flames of malice! “What’s going on?” Zazz asked, somewhat worried about why this boy was now a fire hazard.

“WHEN I GET BACK, I’M KICKING JADEN YUKI IN THE CROTCH FOR STEALING MY DECK!! I SUMMON ELEMENTAL HERO STRATOS!! A cool blue-skinned guy with jet engine turbines for wings or whatever appeared from a small tornado! (Stratos: 1800 Attack Points)

“Hah, Elemental Heroes?” Zazz scoffed. “And you call ME a nerd.”

“Shut up! I use his ability to get an E-Hero from my deck and put it in my hand.” Chazz scanned his deck for anybody tough-looking. “I’ll add Elemental Hero Heat into my hand! Then I’ll set two cards and end my turn.”

 

“You DO know that my Godzilla’s WAY stronger than your MARVEL SUPERRHERO-BASED MONSTERS?”

“You lie!”

“No! Woodsman is The Hulk!” Zazz revealed! “I’ll tribute my Godzilla for Godzilla 2000!” Zazz’s rubbery costume guy transformed into a CGI robot beast of horrible sequel proportions! (Godzilla 2000: 3100 Attack Points)

“That’s too strong for only one tribute!” Chazz gulped.

“If I tribute the original, the ‘2000’ version only requires one sacrifice instead of the usual two,” Zazz explained. (Godzilla 2000: 8 Stars) “Next I play the Field Spell card Godzilla Destroys Tokyo!” Similar to Skyscraper, countless buildings sprouted from the ground! But these… were black-and-white. Soon after it appeared, the original Godzilla lumbered back onto the field. “Also when I activate it, I can summon one Godzilla from my Graveyard!”

“What?!” Chazz protested!

“Godzilla 2000, kill! Bad Movie Breath!” The newer monstrosity roared out a blaze of halitosis!

 

“Trap card, Draining Shield, activate!” Chazz’s Trap came to life as a small circular shield, held by Stratos, which deflected the blaze! “Now I gain a whoppin’ 3100 Life Points!” (Chazz: 7100 Life Points)

“f*** you!” Zazz cursed, flippin’ the bird.

“Don’t say that, this is a kid’s story! We’ll be cancelled!”

“Don’t go there, we just had that ‘sheet’ fight. Godzilla, use Radioactive Breath!” Zazz’s other, faker monster launched a cheesy laser beam from its mouth, killing Stratos with a lame explosion!

“Ugh!” Chazz grunted, apparently affected. (Chazz: 6600 Life Points) “I activate my SECOND Trap card, Hero Signal!” His other card flipped up, projecting an ‘H’ onto a tree.

An ‘H’! Zazz thought. This means trouble...

“Now I’ll summon a replacement hero: ‘Hulk’, come on out.” A green guy who looked edgy and tree-ish dropped down via rope from the Herocopter. (Woodsman: 1000 Attack Points, 2000 Defense Points) “I’ll leave him in Defense Mode,” Chazz decided.

“I’ll end my turn with a face-down.” Zazz laid down a card near her two roaring kaiju.

 

“During my Main Phase, Woodsman gives me a Polymerization from my deck or Graveyard!”

“HUUUU-YAH!” Woodsman pulled a Polymerization from the soil like a radish. “CHAAAZZ!” he yelled in a weird, Japanese-guy-trying-to-speak-Engrish voice. He tossed the card at Chazz. Chazz caught it! “NICE SHOT!”

“Yeah, yeah. Then I summon Elemental Hero Prisma!” A cool crystal guy appeared. (Prisma: 1700 Attack Points) “I can choose one Fusion monster I control and send one monster listed as Fusion Material to my Graveyard in order to count Prisma as that monster. I’ll choose Elemental Hero Inferno and discard Elemental Hero Lady Heat.” Chazz flashed his Fusion monster and tossed a card that was overly similar to Burstinatrix to Prisma.

“Owm,” Prisma said, catching it in his mouth and eating it. Then he somehow BECAME Lady Heat!

“Now I use Polymerization with Heat, whom I just added into my hand last turn!” Chazz called, releasing faux-Lady Heat and her more masculine version into a portal of Polymerization madness!

“Crap!” cursed Zazz! A huge guy who looked like a Transformer who would have transformed into the sun or something crashed down from the sky! (Inferno: 2300 Attack Points)

“And when Inferno attacks a Water monster, he gains 1000 Attack Points!” Chazz went on. “That’s just enough to take down your stupid movie monster! Attack in Disguise!” Elemental Hero Inferno jumped and made that old-fashioned transforming noise straight out of the 80’s cartoon! He really DID transform into a small sun. (Inferno: 3300 Attack Points) He shot out heat rays at Godzilla 2000!

 

“Not so fast!” countered Zazz! “I use Godzilla Never Dies!” Her Trap flipped face-up, displaying Godzilla flying around in outer space.

“What the hell kinda card is THAT?!” Chazz gasped!

“When one of my Godzillas is attacked, I can negate whatever you’re doing and end your turn!” Godzilla 2000 survived the heat wave long enough to punch out the sun. “Also your monster dies.”

“Gat’ DAMN it!”

“Now, Godzillas, attack!” Zazz’s two monsters powered up their powerful two-breath combo!” The dumb original one struck first, burning away Woodsman, and the second one had a clear shot at Chazz.

“No!” Chazz cried! But the shadow of the lizard was upon him! It shot Chazz with its flamey doomy breath. “AHH, IT’S SO HOOOT!!” (Chazz: 3400 Life Points)

“Now I’ll end my turn with a face-down,” said Zazz, “and during my End Phase I can use my Field Spell, Godzilla Destroys Tokyo’s SECOND ability! I pay 500 Life Points to double any damage inflicted this turn.”

“That’s so cheap!” Chazz griped. (Zazz: 3500 Life Points)

“Now, 2000, Collateral Damage!” Godzilla 2000 shoved a building right on top of Chazz.

“NOOOO—ow! Building!” (Chazz: 300 Life Points) The hologram faded and Chazz was revealed to be comically stuck in the ground.

“So, ready for round two, punk?” Zazz asked with a satisfied grin.

Chazz slowly climbed to his feet, stared her in the eyes and roared with the intensity of a warrior hero, “YOUR VOICE IRRITATES MEEEEE!!”

 

Round two was to be a doozy.

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

SOURCES:

Flower card - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Knospe

Elemental Hero Stratos - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Stratos

Elemental Hero Heat - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Heat

Elemental Hero Woodsman - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Woodsman

Elemental Hero Prisma - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Prisma

Elemental Hero Lady Heat - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Lady_Heat

Elemental Hero Inferno - yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/ Elemental_Hero_Inferno

 

 

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Oh boy, this one. [spoiler=Episode 28: More Duels on Duel Island]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 28: More Duels on Duel Island

 

Syrus, Bastion and Billy Hills were all standing around downstream from Chazz and Zazz. “I reckon we’re all bored,” Billy Hills reckoned.

“Yeah, but… BASTION, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Syrus’ judging finger was pointed at Bastion, crouching down next to an adult female BENGAL TIGER!!

“What? I love tigers!” Bastion responded poking her in the nose..

“I reckon I jus’ got an idea!” Billy Hills decided.

“What did I just get through with telling you about being eaten by a tiger?!” Syrus hysterically asked, not giving Billy Hills any attention.

“You said I’d die. But I’m not dead yet!” Then the tiger decided to clamp her MIGHTY jaws upon Bastion’s dueling hand.

“IT BIT YOUR DUELING HAND!!”

“I HAVE A SECOND ONE!!”

Billy Hills suddenly punched through a dead log, creating a massive crackly sound that could be heard for several miles.

 

MEANWHILE…

“AHH, WHAT’S THAT?!” responded Chazz to the tremendous noise, just after his raging roar of revenge from the last chapter.

“You suck, male version of me,” Zazz sighed.

“Sh…shut up!”

 

MEANER-WHILE…

“Holy crap, man!” Syrus jumped! “Now the other duelists’re gonna come here to find out what made that noise!”

“Precisely the point, I reckon!”

“I see…” Bastion rubbed his chin in thought. “You’re going to bring them all here so that we can duel them instead of running around trying to find them!”

“You really need to get that stump of a wrist taken care of,” Syrus suggested, staring at whatever was left of Bastion’s severed hand, within the mouth of the tigress. “Anyways, can we really defeat the mystery duelists, judging by how Bastion’s only good for one duel, I don’t believe in myself enough, and we don’t even know if Billy Hills is a good duelist?”

“Aw dang,” Billy Hills cursed, “I really didn’t think that one through, I reckon.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Hey, can someone help me get my hand back from that tigress’ mouth?”

 

MEANEST-WHILE…

Yuki and her fat friend were opening up coconuts, the wimpy girl was scared out of her wits, the British one fell out of a tree, and the boy one was preparing to duel Nancy Wut, all as the massive ‘KER-KRACK’ bounced off their eardrums.

“What was THAT?!” they simultaneously asked.

 

MEANER-WHILE AGAIN…

“YOU shut up, YOU’RE the one who’s always yelling!” Zazz growled! “Just play!”

Chazz drew a card, signifying his massive comeback! Fifth Hope!!” It featured Avian, Burstinatrix, Bubbleman, Clayman and Sparkman in a ‘we’re heroes lol’ pose. “Perfect timing! I activate the Spell card Fifth Hope!” The Spell appeared on the field as a hologram. “I shuffle five Elemental Hero monsters into my deck from my hand and then draw two cards!” And so, Prisma, Heat, Stratos, lady Heat and Woodsman all returned back to the deck. “Yah!” Chazz drew dramatically! “Next I’ll play Polymerization a second time to fuse Heroes Knopse and Ocean together!”

 

The lame flower from before and a blue water fish guy with a dolphin fin on his head leaped into the Polymerization whirlpool! “My Earth Hero and Water Hero combine to create…” As he stopped for dramatic effect, the whirlpool in the old city became a black hole. The black hole in turn became sealed up within a seal of ICE!! The icy hole split apart and released a cool, icy knight dude, with incredible armor reminiscent of glaciers, and wearing a cool cape(literally). And he is “ELEMENTAL HERO ABSOLUTE ZERO!!” (Absolute Zero: 2500 Attack Points) And he is awesome.

“What a cheap fusion requirement!” Zazz gasped!

“Plus, he gains 500 Attack Points for every other Water monster on the field, which means your tow Godzilla cards!” Absolute Zero’s overly cool demeanor froze some random patches of the opposing monsters’ scaly skin. (Absolute Zero: 3500 Attack Points)

 

“STRIKE HIM!! NEGATIVE INFINITY DEGREES!!” The frosty knight dashed at the twin Godzilla monsters and froze the big one with the mere touch of his glove. Then, with a simple punch, he broke into a million triangular polygons.

“NO!” cried Zazz! (Zazz; 3100 Life Points) “I activate the card Tokyo Really Got Destroyed!” her Trap card featured Godzilla, standing around in a desolate Tokyo, looking worried and sad. “I can discard my Godzilla destroys Tokyo to destroy your monsters after my Godzilla monster dies!” The old, 1950’s movie buildings fatally cracked and crumbled apart all over the city. “You forgot one thing…” Chazz warned, before his voice trailed off. A structure broke apart and smashed Absolute Zero. The moment he was squished, a massive frosty gust, not unlike a blizzard, covered everything, including the Gozilla that was left. They all broke into an icy dust and simply blew away on the wind. No trace of their existence was left.

 

Chazz laughed a bit. “SOO~RY, when Absolute Zero dies, he takes your monsters with him! I can’t believe you forgot that! Ha ha ha!”

“I should’a done the research…”

“I’ll end my turn by setting two face-downs. Anything ELSE stupid you wanna do, disturbing female clone?” Though I DO look somewhat attractive as a girl…

“Ew! Your thoughts are disgusting!” gasped Zazz! “I’ll kill you for that! ARISE!!” The entire field rumbled and shook. The earth split, forcing open a massive crevice in the jungle. As soon as it opened, a massive robot dinosaur took the opportunity to step out from the depths. It was around fifty-five feet tall. “RAR,” it roared in a ground-shaking robot monotone. “RARARAR.” (Mecha-Godzilla: 2800 Attack Points)

“By removing two Godzillas from my Graveyard, I can summon Mecha-Godzilla from my hand.” Zazz smiled, confident of her win. “When he, or it, I dunno, attacks, it can’t be affected by those Traps you set, so your game ends here! Robot Attack!!” Mecha Godzilla raised its foot above Chazz’s head, but he didn’t feel too scared about it… FOR HE HAD A TRAP UP HIS SLEEVE!!

 

Either way, Mecha-Godzilla stamped on Chazz, depleting his Life Points to… 300. Which was what they already were. “What’s with your Life Points, poser?”

“My Trap card, A Hero Emerges, that’s what!” Chazz had activated that handy-dandy zombie superhero card! What a memorable card image! “Pick a card in my hand,” he offered, holding out his hand of cards.

“I’ll choose the one that will inevitably be a monster, as always!”

“Good choice, it’s Woodsman!” Woodsman appeared and was squished.

“Darn, what a crappy choice!” Zazz resented! Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyways; when he makes his counterattack, my little Trap card’ll stop him cold…

 

The music that you put on that may still be playing ended suddenly, only to be replaced by more awesomeness. “I use Miracle Fusion!” A Spell with two superheroes swirling into an ‘H’ appeared! “I can remove two Elemental Heroes from my Graveyard in order to do a fusion!”

“Not another fusion!!”

“Uh, YEAH, another fusion!”

“Shut up!”

“YOU shut up, loser! I combine Woodsman and Ocean to create Elemental Hero Gaia!” A cool brown robot guy with JET-POWERED FISTS smashed down onto the field from above, somewhat smashing it like an earthquake on pavement! (Gaia: 2200 Attack Points) “When he’s summoned, I can halve the Attack Points of one of your monsters and add that power to Gaia himself!” Gaia punched the earth, forcing open another fissure, appearing under Mecha-Godzilla (they really break up the earth in this chapter). The robot dino fell in helplessly and was squished a bit. (Mecha Godzilla: 1400 Attack Points) Gaia, however, was glowing in a rather muddy shade of brown, drawing upon the energy of the earth itself! And he became STRONG!! (Gaia: 3600 Attack Points)

 

“Next…”

“Not MORE…” Zazz sighed.

“Shut up and stop interrupting your own doom! I activate Parallel World Fusion!” The card showed the two heroes from the last card he’d played… BUT THEY WERE CIRCLING TWO MOONS!!

“No way,” Zazz sneered, checking the link on her YugiNavi™, “that card can only be used when you have NOT used a Special Summon this turn!”

“Look closely!” Chazz’s card was devoid of all colors… except black and white. “I used the manga version! They GOT RID OF that drawback!!” [source: www.mangafox.com/Yu-Gi-Oh_GX/14/07/]

“OH NOOOOO!!”

 

Ocean and Woodsman both appeared from beyond dimensions we’ve never heard of! They both suddenly swirled together in a trippy manner and became… ELEMENTAL HERO TERRA FIRMA. He broke through the sky like glass, as if he were a Menos Grandes! He revealed to the entire world that he was an awesome sentai superhero robot of mass justice capabilities. But his ability sucked, sadly. (Terra Firma: 2500 Attack Points)

“Ha! He’s a SUCKY hero!” Zazz laughed. “His ability is really, really useless! USELESS!”

“YOU’RE dumb, and my soul cannot rest until I utterly humiliate you in a simple kid’s game!” Chazz promised! “I tribute Gaia in order to set off Terra Firma’s power!” Gaia and Terra Firma glowed terrifyingly bright, as they combined into… Terra Firma… but instead of being white, as I neglected to tell you, he was Gaia Brown™! “Now all of Gaia’s Attack Points are added onto Terra Firma, bringing him up to 6100!” Chazz shouted! (Terra Firma: What he just said Attack Points)

 

“Lastly, before I attack…”

“Wait.” Zazz blinked. “You’re not going to attack yet?”

“I use R – Righteous Justice! Your Trap is GONE!!” A large ‘R’ descended onto the field.

R!!” the ‘R’ shouted, blowing the Trap to pieces! It was actually the Trap card Godzilla Trips While Fighting, Crushing a Civilian, which featured Godzilla stepping on a man on accident. The effect stated ‘Whenever a ‘Godzilla’ monster battles, your opponent loses 300 Life Points.’ Chazz had 300 Life Points left.

“NO!” Zazz roared! “I WAS SO CLOSE! I COULD’VE BEATEN YOU IF IT WASN’T FOR THAT STUPID ‘R’!!”

“Darn, am I jabroniy like that, too?” Chazz wondered. “Anyhoo, I’ll work on that AFTER I WIN!! TERRA FIRMA MAGMA!!”

 

Terra Firma pulled out the two sword handles from his weird belt. He willed them to spew forth flames and they did. He leaped skyward until he was level with Mecha-Godzilla’s face. “RAR,” it roared. With one calm movement, Terra Firma swung his blades of fire sideways, extending their reach with sheer force of will through Mecha-Godzilla’s chest. The monster exploded violently, allowing Terra Firma to land and walk up to Zazz Princesston.

“No… no…”

JUSTICE!!” Terra Firma stuck his swords into the ground. A resulting fire whirl (a tornado MADE OUT OF FLAMES) consumed her and her Life Points.

(Zazz: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

MEANWHILE ONCE MORE,

Just before Chazz was winning, Nancy Wut was somewhere else in the random, stereotypically-plain jungle, standing before a blonde-haired boy. This guy had the signature blue blazer of the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy, had glasses, and freckles. Also he obviously resembled another character.

“But WHICH character?” you ask. “I don’t get it!”

“It’s Alexis Rhodes,” I explain. “It was KINDA obvious.”

“Oh, okay,” you say, accepting the result.

 

“KA-KRAACK!!” cracked something.

“AAAHH!!” the blonde guy cried, stumbling with fear!

“Wow, wasn’t that sound a DOOZY?” Nancy playfully asked.

“Um, no, it was like a small explosion,” the boy said, adjusting his glasses.

“It was just the DOOZIEST!”

“… Look, can we just duel or something, Nancy?”

“Doo-zy~”

“Okay, I’m going first.” The boy drew his cards, signaling that he didn’t care if she was ready or not.

“How do you know my name?”

“… Because you resemble somebody I know?” Alex guessed.

“Okay.” (Alex Road: 4000 Life Points, Nancy Wut: 4000 Life Points)

 

“I summon Sonic the Hedgehog!” exclaimed Alex! A blue blur dashed onto the field, revealing to all that he was a hedgehog who didn’t resemble a hedgehog. For specifics, he’s the 90’s cartoon version.

“You’re too slow!” he mocked. (StH: 1700 Attack Points, 1500 Defense Points)

“That’ll be all,” Alex concluded.

“Ha, you’re like a GIRL I know!” Nancy Wut giggled! “She’d be SO disgusted by you!”

Let this random character who’s never dueled in the series before say what she will, Alex assured himself, she’ll never be able to defeat me and the Traps I have. By just discarding them from my hand, they can stop her from doing ANYTHING… these cards are just as fast as the REAL Sonic the Hedgehog…

 

Nancy Wut said, narrowing her humongous eyes, “it seems I shall now be revealing my SPECTACULAR deck to teh fans now! Now, I summon Sonic From Brawl!”

A 3-D azure hedgehog appeared, breakdanced, and ordered, “C’mon, step it up!” (SFB: 1900 Attack Points, 1300 Defense Points)

“ATTACK!!” The digitally-rendered hedgehog curled into a ball and spun at his cartoon counterpart!

“No way, another Sonic deck?!” Alex gasped! “Who would’ve though! Anyways, I discard Sonic Sez You’re Too Slow!”

“You’re too slow!” mocked 90’s Sonic. Brawl Sonic immediately stopped his assault.

“By discarding this Trap card I can end the Battle Phase immediately,” Alex explained.

“I know, I have the same card!” Nancy Wut said. “But I ALSO discard Sonic Sez Even You Can Learn Something From a Sloth!”

A sloth in an ill-fitting blue shirt and funky hat appeared. “Y o u r ‘ e s t a n d i n g i n q u i c k s a n d ,” he helpfully warned.

“Uh-oh!” gulped 90’s Sonic. (StH: 1200 Attack Points)

“Now I can RE-DO my Battle Phase and your monsters lose 500 Attack Points, SON!” Nancy Wut ended the exclamation with an upside-down peace sign for whatever reason. Sonic From Brawl got ready to attack, once again!

 

“No you don’t!” Alex grunted. “I discard Sonic and the Dark Knight™! I draw two cards and my Sonic gains 800 Attack Points!” His Sonic donned a knight helmet and grabbed an Excalibur. (StH: 2000 Attack Points)

“En GARDE!” he challenged! Nancy’s Sonic From Brawl, however, did NOT stop spinning at him!

“I discard Super Sonic to make MY Sonic go SUPER Sonic!” Nancy Wut threw a white emerald (why are they all called emeralds when we expect them to be green? We should get them to name them something else) to Sonic From Brawl, who caught it and went Super Saiyan! (SFB: 2800 Attack Points)

“NOW I’LL SHOW YOU!!” he roared, blue hairs turning golden yellow and upright!! “HuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!” He awkwardly flew around the field until he finally managed to poke Sonic in Dark Knight™ form! A damage counter appeared next to him and began steadily climbing in %!

 

MEANWHILE, DURING THE INTENSE DUELING ACTION…

Angry McArgue was trekking along through the Japanese Rain Forest by herself. “Darn it, I have to check out that noise from earlier or else I’ll feel guilty!” she complained. “Or one off the enemies could’ve caused it so I can duel them! Why am I monologuing?”

“I dunno,” sighed a full-sounding voice, prompting Angry McArgue to freeze and look to her left. A fat, koala-like girl was picking and eating fruit off of a tropical tree continuously, even as Angry McArgue was staring.

“Koala Ko Ala, why are YOU here?”

 

“Mm-mm,” she disagreed, shaking her sausage-like finger at her, “you look just like a guy I know named, mmm, Mad McAngryman.”

“SHUT UP, KOALA KO ALA!!”

“MAH NAME’S HUFFEH CHUMLINGTON, SO YOU BEH QUIET!!” the fat one roared, not unlike a regular bear.

“… Okay, Huffy, I’m going to duel you because I’m angry at you.”

“Jus’ gimmee a sec,” she asked, piling more fruit into her mouth. “Owm,” she chomped, making a food-eating sound as she put each new fruit inside. “Owm. Owm. Owm. Owm. Owm. Owm. Owm.”

 

**********

 

“Okay, Bastion,” Syrus said, “go upstream and beat whoever manages to get past the both of us the fastest. That means they’re the better one.”

“But what if one appears from behind me?” Bastion asked, nursing his naked wrist. Because his hand got ripped off by a tiger, remember?

“Uh, then duel them I guess,” Syrus shrugged.

“I reckon this plan is really dumb now,” Billy Hills lamented as Bastion left.

“Aw, there’s only a… massive… chance this’ll fail,” consoled Syrus. “In fact, this plan is doomed. DOOMED.”

“I’m not so sure about THAT!” disagreed a feminine British voice!

“GASP!” gasped Syrus!

“I reckon there ‘kin only be ONE British-Japanese guy on THIS island!” Billy Hills gasped!

 

“You’re WRONG! Wa ha ha hahahaha!” And from the trees fell a girl with fashionably short grey hair (accented by the pink kitty hairclip) and yellow-based uniform! “Ugh, that hurt.”

“U-u-um, are y-you the best duelist on the is-is-island, I reckon?” Billy Hills sheepishly and frightened-ly asked.

“Um, Billy, I think you should be MORE concerned with the fact that this IS A FEMALE BASTION MISAWA!!”

“Oh, wait…” realized girl-Bastion, “you two… AREN’T YOU PYRUS AND MOUNTAIN JILL?!”

I’M CONFUSED!!” shrieked Syrus!

“I reckon, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” said Billy Hills.

 

**********

 

“Hey,” Bastion whispered to himself as he hiked through the jungle, “isn’t that…” He spied the tigress from earlier stopping to drink at the water, somewhat further upstream. “TIGAH!!” screamed he! The tiger, frightened out of her wits, charged further and further away.

 

“I SHALL MAKE YOU MINE!!”

 

**********

 

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE DUEL…

“No way, I discard Sonic Unleashed™, so my Sonic gains an extra 800 Attack Points AND can’t be destroyed by battle!” Alex shouted, adjusting his glasses!

“Oh, SNAY-AP!” Nancy Wut gasped!

“WROOOOAR!!” roared Sonic the Hedgehog, who was now unleashed!! Which means he was a werewolf-thing now! With a knight helmet! And an Excalibur! (StH: 2800 Attack Points)

“Stop right there!” Nancy Wut ordered! “I discard Sonic and the Secret Rings™! I negate your card’s activation and destroy your monster, bo-yo!”

“You really weren’t funny since episode three, when you were introduced. Now you’re just ripping off Jaden.”

“I know, it’s just all I can do…”

 

“Ooh!” Werehog-Sonic Knight noticed a golden ring in the dirt. He bent down and picked it up, brushing away some dirt from its shiny, golden, gold. Then Sonic exploded and died.

“Stop! I discard Sonic Sez Now Does That Look Like Fun to You?!”

“B-but you can only discard one of those ‘Sonic Sez’ cards when there’s another Sonic on the field…” She stared at Super Sonic. “You’re dumb.” A large washing machine appeared next to the dummy.

“Now does this look like fun to you?!” he asked the viewer, jumping into the machine like a crazy idiot boy, successfully sending a mixed message. The machine turned on for a few seconds before exploding violently.

“Ha ha ha ha ha, that was pretty funny!” Nancy Wut giggled.

 

“Now I discard Shadow the Hedgehog!” Alex stated, sending the card to the Graveyard.

“Hubba-WHA?!”

“Hubba-yeah, ‘cause it inflicts 800 Life Points of damage to you for every Sonic-or-Hedgehog related cards sent to the Graveyard this turn by EITHER player!”

“Duh, I know, I got the card!”

“OH WELL!!”

A black-and-red hedgehog with ‘tude was summoned to the field, held up a pistol, and shouted “YOU’RE DUMB!!” He shot Nancy Wut eight times.

“AAAAAAAHH, YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THAT LOUD NOISE FROM EARLIER!!” (Nancy Wut: 0 Life Points, Game Over) She fell to the ground, defeated.

“Hey, that’s a GREAT idea!” Alex decided, as the holographic hedgehog went away to parts unknown. He began walking away, leaving Nancy Wut on the ground, face-down…

“Heh.” She grinned, evilly.

 

CURRENT SCORE:

 

Chazz Princeton: Active

Syrus Truesdale: Active

Bastion Misawa: Active

Billy Hills: Active

Nancy Wut: Loss, Alex Roads

Angry McArgue: Active

 

Yuki: Active

Zazz Princesston: Loss, Chazz Princeton

Wimp: Active

Huffy Chumlington: Active

Girl-Bastion: Active

Alex Roads: Active

 

**********

 

“How could I lose to a MALE version of ME?!” Zazz worried, being a loser and all.

“Because,” Chazz said, “there’s no beating the original!”

“SHUT UP! I CAME FIRST!”

“OH YEAH?!”

“YEAH!!”

“THEN WHAT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY?”

“You’re BOTH the original, okay?” a wimp who looked like she was about to cry at any moment suggested. “Can’t we all just agree on that?”

“Shut up, Pyrus.”

“Yeah, shut up, Syrus.”

“I’m not Syrus.”

“Huh?” Chazz rubbed his eyes and looked more closely at the girl.

 

She was blue-haired in a long-haired style with some large-rimmed glasses, also outfitted with braces and a red coat courtesy of the OTHER Japanese Duel Academy. She was also short and highly resembled Syrus, if you STILL didn’t get it.

“OOOH,” you realize.

 

“EW! EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW EEEEW!!” Chazz screamed! “WHY IS EVERYBODY SOME SORT OF WEIRD YURI-FAN’S DREAMS OF US?!You’re… Syrus! With BREASTS!! What is WRONG WITH YOUR SCHOOL?!”

“STOP IT, YOU BASTARD!!” Pyrus whined! “I’m… I’m my own character!” She posed an awesome pose. “I’m Pyrus Puesdale! Not Syrus, I’m 100% original!” She stopped posing and noticed something. “WAAAAGH, BOY-ZAZZ!! EW!! I’M DISTURBED AND DISGUSTED!!”

Puesdale? thought Chazz. It sounds like ‘Poosdale’. “Pfft, poo,” he chuckled. Oh crap, did I just say that out loud?!

“You ought not to have said that,” Zazz warned with a sneaky smile.

“What do you… uh-oh.” Pyrus was clearly enraged beyond mortal comprehension. “Why didn’t you TELL me not to say it?! ANYBODY would’ve made that mistake!!”

“Because I don’t like you.”

“Fair enough.”

 

Pyrus slowly turned to Zazz with the flames of hatred in her eyes. “Did he beat you…?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

GOOD, SO NOW I CAN PERSONALLY TREAT THIS LITTLE SNOT TO THE BURNING TORTURES OF HELL AND PICK HIM APART, FLESHY BIT BY BIT AS I DESTROY HIS MENTAL IMAGE OF THE WORLD!!”

“It’s just a game, but I’ll duel you if you want…”

DUEL!! Now…

(Chazz Princeton: 4000 Life Points, Pyrus Puesdale: 4000 Life Points)

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

 

 

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HERE WE ARE!! The LAST useless filler of the ENTIRE SEASON!!! WOO!! I've come so far...

 

[spoiler=Episode 53: The Hearts are Wild]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 53: Hearts are Wild

 

We open up to a massive, glorious cruise ship at night. Dozens of rich people were in the bar-related area, drinking drinks you’d normally buy at a bar, watching a couple of men play card games. No no no, these were SOPHISTICATED card games, the kinds with aces and clubs. There were stacks upon stacks of white poker chips on the line, and one slick man with an oversized bowtie wasn’t taking any chances. “I call,” he said, laying down five aces. “Read ‘em and weep, so-called ‘Legendary Gambler That Guy’. You can’t possibly beat this hand, not after I just introduced you!”

“Au contraire,” this mysterious ‘That Guy’ said, smoothing out his clean white tuxedo, adjusting his rectangular glasses and smoothing out his semi-long brown hair and trying out his French accent, “for I believe I have you beaten like I would a dust pan!” He laid out his hand: SIX aces in a row!

“I-impossible, how could you defeat my strategy?!” the man gasped, flipping out of his chair as That Guy took all the chips for himself!

“My goodness,” their audience chattered, “how could he have gotten six aces?! Is he truly the legendary gambler we’ve heard so much about?!”

“He’s a cheater!” one smart soul declared.

“No I’m not!” That Guy denied.

“Ooh, he’s good!”

 

And so later that night, That Guy was standing on the deck of the ship, looking out into the horizon. He looked as if he had something important to do somewhere, and he was getting impatient. “Aha ha ha, that was a good game we had down there, eh?” chuckled the man with the large bowtie.

“Eh, it was, how do you say… simple?” That Guy responded.

“Of course it’s simple whenever you play with six aces in a deck,” the man challenged, “because I think you PLANTED those cards in beforehand and cheated me!”

“And that is because I saw you putting in YOUR aces, mon ami.”

The man snapped. “That’s it! I want my money back!” the man growled, somehow causing his bowtie to begin spinning out of control!! “Guards, seize him!!” Two men in black boots, chainmail clothing, aprons with some sort of evil symbol printed on them, and horned monster masks ran onto the scene wielding large iron axes! “I want his head on a platter!”

“LEELEELEELEELEEL!!” the monster men shouted, charging at That Guy!

 

“Please, I shall whip you as I would whip the cheeses!” That Guy promised! He took two steps toward the enemies and jumped as they brought their axes through the wooden deck! They couldn’t pull the axes out again, however, because they were stuck in the wood, somehow! “Hai-yah!” That Guy flipped around and karate-chopped both foes in the back of their necks in mid-air, knocking them out and sending them spiraling onto the floor! That Guy simply landed onto his feet.

“I-impossible!” the spinning bow tie man sputtered, at loss for words!

“Je problem here es that you insist upon using tu weak, weak men, et tu?” That Guy said.

“B-but there’s just a mess of French and Spanish words in that sentence! How am I supposed to understand you now?!”

“Is simple, mon ami,” That Guy promised. He glared at him. “It is, what you call it? My grande will pour gagner!”

“Are… are you SURE you’re supposed to be French or not?!” The man turned and ran away! “I’M GETTING OUTTA HERE!!”

“Non non non,” That Guy disagreed, “you do not flee from me at this time, por favor!” He pulled out a piece of paper and let it fly through the wind until it rested upon the floor, ahead of the running man. He stepped upon it and slipped onto his face, knocking his SURPRISE JETSKI keys out of his pocket! “It is, how you say it, the pot’s Jack?”

“NO, YOU FOOL!!” sobbed the manic man, as he dashed back into the comfort of the other rich people.

That Guy walked over to the jetski that was sitting next to him this entire time, put the keys into the ignition and took off onto the open sea! He was now speeding toward everybody’s favorite Kaibaland Duel Academy, which the cruise line was going near for no real reason.

“Soon, mon amour, I shall como es tas, and we shall be as uno until the cows they are coming home!!”

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

Jaden was sitting on a sheer cliff around the island’s suspension bridge mulling something over. Suddenly, Alexis stepped in! “Hey Jaden, I randomly came by for no apparent reason,” she said. “What’s up? Sad about Koala leaving?”

“Who?” Jaden asked, confused. “Naw, man, it’s just that I’m really stumped here. If there’s seven Seven Stars guys—”

“Shadow Riders!” Nancy Wut corrected.

“And Cuts Man and Gut Man were the fifth and sixth, but Banner wasn’t the last one, then who is?” Jaden concluded.

“I dunno, could it possibly be that guy over there on the jetski?” Alexis suggested, pointing to a That Guy driving a jetski down the river under that bridge onto a beach, upon which the jetski got stuck and flipped into the air, throwing That Guy through one of the windows to Chancellor Shepherd’s office.

“… Naaah,” they sighed, knowing it to be false. But then they remembered how things work on this show. “… Wanna check Shepherd’s office?”

“Sure.” They ran into the nearby underpass!

 

IN! THE!! OFFICE!!!

Chancellor Shepherd and Crowler were talking to each other at that same moment. “And so then, I says to the guy, ‘I’m not a man!!’ And then HE doesn’t believe me!” Crowler said.

“I’ve been there before!” Shepherd chuckled. “Ha ha!” Suddenly That Guy flew through the massive window behind his head! “WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!”

That Guy simply landed in a crouching position, ripe for asking “Excuse me, bon soir, mister, but may I duel fair Alexis Rhodes who is in this school house?”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!” Crowler shrieked! That Guy simply pulled a card out of his shirt pocket, reading ‘That Guy: Some guy who gambles like a gambler for the money’. “That Guy? Who chose THAT alias?”

“It is, how you say, the passione of the albâtre, non?”

“Do you know English?”

“Erm, look mister… That Guy?” Shepherd began, tugging at a large shard of glass in his shoulder.

“Yes?”

“Now look, you just broke through my twenty-first floor window and got some glass stuck into my shoulder blade.”

“Non non non, mon fine sir,” That Guy corrected, “Je floor es the TWENTIETH, as you foolish Japanese who are playing English never have le thirteenth floor, as you are afraid of the thirteens.”

“Whatever, but I don’t run some sort of gambling parlor! I don’t care who you are on the outside, just the inside, and people who are groovy on the inside follow my rules. Rule number three-thousand, two-hundred and thirty-two states that ‘Students will not get knocked through large windows!’ You’ve just committed a minor felony here!”

“Mon-sewer,” That Guy insulted, “if you do not become making with the Alexis of Rhodes being in here I swear to you on the dot that I shall do my best to a thing to your écolier.”

“WHAT?!” screamed somebody outside the door, catching his attention for but a moment.

 

Several Slifer Reds with nothing better to do were standing outside the door. “SHH!!” they shushed, aiming their aggression at Syrus Truesdale.

What?” he whispered. “That was utter nonsense! I didn’t understand ANYTHING he just said!

“Yo, what’s all the hubbub, bubs?” Jaden asked, as he and Alexis ran into the hallway via a useful underpass.

“Something’s goin’ down in that room, and it has to do with YOU, Alexis!” Mann McOldsmobile explained!

“And we feel like we have to hear it!” a random kid insisted.

“Well, let us in, since I’m the subject of the day!” Alexis commanded, trying to get into the door. But people blocked her off!

“No way, we gotta see the good part first!!” they cried! “JUST WAIT A SEC!!”

 

“So, mon ami,” That Guy pressured, “send in la Alexis Rhodes, or else things for you shall become ca va pas mal!”

“I’m tired of listening to you not make any sense, buster!” Crowler grunted! “Guards!” It snapped its fingers, causing a random door to open! Four people, one woman and three caped men in navy blue clothing, ran in!

“This is the Disciplinary Action Squad!” the head disciplinary lady yelled! “You two are under Yu-Gi-Oh arrest!”

“Says tu!” That Guy said! He jumped fifteen feet into the air and pulled out a deck of playing cards! He threw fifteen aces, cutting through their hearts!

“Ugh! I guess we won’t be having a third appearance,” worried the lady in her death throes.

“Oh my goodness! You’ve just killed four people!!” Crowler announced loudly!

“Eh. There’s a lot of killing at this school,” Shepherd said with a shrug and a smile.

“FOUR PEOPLE?!” Alexis screamed, outraged! “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!” But then, her eyes met with That Guy’s. “Y… you’re Pierre?”

“Yes, yes I a—”

“That dishonest a****** whom I hate with a burning passion?”

“… Erm, correctamundo?”

“That isn’t even Spanish!” Shepherd complained!

“I believe that’s mine, too,” Alexis added, pointing to Pierre’s tuxedo pocket, with a red scarf inside.

“Ah, it has been too long, yes?” Pierre/That Guy greeted formally. “I have been searching for you for as long as I can possible recount with the memory! And now, we duel as the conquistadores as yester-the-year have to prove their devotions and milk the grand highnesses!!”

Alexis slapped him. “The hell are you even saying?!”

“I do not know, to say the least. Shall we just duel and leave le details to come as le play?”

“Meh.” They left the office, Duel Dome-bound, and trekked down the hallway.

 

“Darn, guys, I can’t figure out what’s up with those two cats there,” Jaden explained to Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile as they led the large crowd chasing the duelists of the day.

“I guess we’ll get the backstory as they play, as usual,” Syrus supposed. “Shouldn’t you be burning mad that your crush has possibly found a romantic rival from her past to oppose you?”

“Nah,” Mann McOldsmobile disagreed, “since that was BEFORE I realized what you could find on the internet.”

“Ew,” Syrus and Jaden groaned, inching away from him.

Why does everybody do that when I try to tell them that I’m occupied with World of Warcraft? Mann McOldsmobile asked himself.

“Hmph, what a prime-target Slifer Slacker, ruining OUR image by losing sight of what’s important these days!” Chazz scoffed, stomping down the hall with his two usual suspects and Ojama Yellow, whom we all hate for existing.

“Yeah, you just can’t forget how your character was originally written!” Ojama Yellow explained. “It’s unprofessional!”

“Huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson said.

“Reckon!” Billy Hills said.

Then Shades Milligan came flying into the conversation with his cool jet feet. “You guys DO realize that this is good for us, right?”

“Before somebody says something irritating, let’s just cut to the Duel Dome, alright?” Mann McOldsmobile suggested, slightly annoyed.

“Okay, yo!” Jaden agreed.

 

“TWO! MINUTES!! LATER!!!” Ojama Yellow shouted two minutes later, inside the Duel Dome.

“Darn it Yellow, stop saying things!!” Chazz barked! “Your voice is so infyuriating!!”

“Sorry, boss…”

“Hey, don’t yell at Yellow, huh, Chazz, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson ordered.

“Whoops, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Shades Milligan commanded, “for we are about to see what ties this French/Spanish loser to our (my) fair Alexis!”

“Don’t call her yours, jerk!” Chazz grimaced.

“Hey hey hey, I’M the one with the eyes on the prize… which is ALEXIS!!”

“STOP IT UP THERE,” Jaden shouted from the next-lowest seating row, “WE’RE TRYIN’ TO WATCH THEM SAY ‘DUEL!’ An’ you’d BETTER not try ‘n become vital characters today, you got that?!”

“Yes, sir…”

“DUEL!!” said Alexis and That Guy named Pierre. (Alexis: 4000 Life Points, Pierre: 4000 Life Points)

“Now that those irritating students have finally shut up, I suppose it’s time to see if this gambler here’s really just… bluffing,” Chancellor Shepherd joked, stifling a laugh.

“Sir, this is no time to laugh! He killed four of our best security guards, including Fisticuffs McPunchinface!” Crowler insisted.

“Meh, McPunchinfaces are a dime a dozen.”

 

“May we begin, ma Cherie?” Pierre asked his dueling partner.

“Sure, whatever. WhatEVER the pompous ass wants,” Alexis gruted.

“And now I do le draw!” Pierre announced! “I now summon le Gamble Angel Bunny, in le Attack position!” A standard Playboy bunny-lady appeared in a black one-piece swimsuit, a raccoon-style mask, freakishly-oversized gloves and rabbit-foot shoes. (Gamble Angel Bunny: 1200 Attack Points, 1200 Defense Points)

“You’re just a sleazy pervert, like always,” Alexis chastised.

“What? You do all the, how do you say, chastising when all my card is mutant lapin-woman!” Pierre gasped! “I pay her for the ability of flipping the coin of right, you lose 1000 points of la vie! If I am wrong I lose 1000 points of la vie!”

“And you STILL can’t learn English?! What kind of Japanese man ARE you?!”

“I do not the caring! I flip!” He took out a penny and flipped it. “I call the tail of the penny!” It hit the floor. A rocket ship with a ‘1c’ symbol showed up.

“That’s heads,” Alexis stated.

“Non,” Pierre disagreed, flipping the coin over to display a beaver biting into a tree, “it is the tail!”

“You liar!” declared Alexis!

“So THAT’S how he became legendary for never losing!” Jaden proclaimed!

“He never said that, did he?” Syrus asked.

“I just inferred from the start of this one, yo.”

“Oh, gotcha.”

 

“Now, lapin of the lady and woman!” Pierre announced! “Hit the pot on the Jack!” The bunny-lady pulled out a sack full of coins and threw it at Alexis. (Alexis: 3000 Life Points) She pushed the coins out of the way, n’ allowing some random people to fight over the pennies inside. “You fools! You realize not the pennies are pretty useless! There’s only twelve-hundred, not even thirteen of your dollars!”

“So?” they replied, beating each other up.

“Nil, go ahead and fight as I set the down-card as face!” Pierre set a Trap card face-down, he means.

“Alexis! Kill him before I can’t take it any longer!!” Syrus requested.

“Not a problem,” she accepted. “I summon Cyber Tutu!” Cyber Tutu appeared, and…that’s all I have to describe. (Cyber Tutu: 1000 Attack Points) “If you have no monsters weaker than her, then she can run up to you and kick a tooth out!”

“Really?” Pierre inquired. Cyber Tutu ran up to him and kicked a tooth out of his mouth! “Ahh! The holographic tooth! UGH! It ALMOST hurts!” (Pierre: 3000 Life Points)

“And now we’re even,” Alexis stated, satisfied.

“Nononon!!” Pierre cried! “Wrong, because I play the Box of Fairies, Fairy Box!” His Trap card flipped face-up and summoned a simple-looking whack-a-mole game box to appear on the field. “I flip the coin, I be right, le pan is gone!” He flipped his coin, flipping heads. “I say the head! Yes! I win! Joyeux day!” (Pierre: 3000 -> 4000 Life Points)

“That’s just cheating!!” several audience members shouted, enraged!

“Let him do it, it’ll feel even better if I beat him this way,” Alexis dictated. “I’ll lay one face-down and let him cheat some more.”

 

“Oh, mon ami, mon amour, these words which hurt mon couer! They burn from you!” Pierre faux-cried, pretending to feel a heart attack or something.

“They should, because I still see the same weak, scared little boy from elementary school,” Alexis recalled. “You fear me, don’t you, just because I beat you that one time?”

“Non! I do not feel a fear! That is what I do NOT feel!” Pierre gasped!

“And you always were such a CHEATER.” Alexis reminded with extreme prejudice.“You just couldn’t stand it when I managed to beat you! Then you started stalking me and we got that restraining order, meaning at any time I could call the cops! You sad, sad little boy.”

“I ain’t a little boy! I ain’t that no more!!” Pierre sobbed! “Why can’t you accept my coursing amour for tu?!”

“Aw snap, here comes the recap!” Jaden prepared!

“It’s because we all know that it started from lust of the most DISGUSTING kind,” Alexis remembered.

 

Way back when Alexis was just a little girl in second grade at the ever-popular Vash Stampede Elementary school, something weird and disturbing happened: she became the first girl in her class with breasts. This explains so much, and yet brings up so many other questions that may or may not be answered in time. Anyways, something ELSE disturbing happened…

“Eeeeh, today class, we got a NEEEEW student from French-Spanish Japan,” her overweight spectacled teacher explained, holding a young Pierre, “and his name is Pierre Kid. Treat him well.”

“Baguette pasta piñata,” Pierre narrated.

“That kid doesn’t even know ENGLISH at a JAPANESE SCHOOL?!” a boy realized!

“And pasta’s Italian!” a girl added!

“…” Pierre looked down at the floor as the teacher set him down upon the floor, sniveling. As he wiped his tears, somebody said something.

“HEY!!” Alexis shouted, holding up a small red scarf! “THIS SCARF AND THAT BOY ARE PLOT-DEVICES TODAY, SO LEAVE’M ALONE!!” She put the scarf away and the other kids went back to doing their own things, quietly.

Pierre was deeply affected by Alexis that day. He was overjoyed by her assistance and overall general presence. He smiled faintly to himself as he thought, She has the boobs… I like the boobs…

 

And thus, the disturbing lust began.

 

Pierre began adjusting to his school life in a country whose language he half-knew at best. One day he had been playing some random card game at school. His red-headed opponent threw down a King. “Ha ha, now I win your toy car!” he laughed, taking his new, worthless car.

“Non,” Pierre disagreed, replacing the King with a Two, “you is the one to the loss is gained.”

“Wh… whaaaaaaaaaat?!?!” the boy cried! “I HATE YOU!!” The boy threw the car away and leaped out the third-story window.

“HEY, YOU CAN’T JUST MAKE SUICIDE JIM COMMIT SUICIDE!!” Alexis shouted, activating her innate sense of justice!

“Well, he DID kinda have it coming,” another student sighed, shrugging.

“That’s it, little French-Spanish boy,” Alexis growled, “I’m gonna avenge him and get that car back!” She leaped into Suicide Jim’s old seat and looked fierce.

“Hmm, and what is it to what I will be the winning?” Pierre asked.

“What do you want?” asked lil’ Alexis.

“I… get to le feel la coffre,” Pierre snidely decided.

“Fine, do whatever you want, but you’re losing!” Alexis decided.

Uh, Lex,” Encyclopedia Brawn whispered, being the local smart detective-ish kid around town, “it means he wants to feel you up.

“… So?”

Your chest.

“Oh… gulp.”

 

The little horribly deformed girl and the perverted weird kid in class, who was not written this way because he was French, merely because he’s a villain and Spanish, began shuffling and dealing out the cards. Alexis and Pierre glanced at their cards. “Hmph, I win une more,” Pierre stated, “for I have le tres aces!” He revealed three aces of spades!

“WOAH!” gasped the class.

“Well I have FOUR aces,” Alexis said, laying out her four aces.

“WOA-HOOOH!!” the class laughed.

“Curses! Well I have le win for longest, because I have CINCO ACES!!” Pierre held up a FIFTH identical ace!

“WOHOHOHOOOOAAAH!!” the class gasped!

“That’s all the cards in his hand!” Gerta Gasp explained!

“There’s no way Alexis could have more aces than HIM!” Statetheobvious Lucy stated!

 

“Hmph,” Alexis snickered, “I’m far from losing here today. You know why? Because in any card game, Duel Monsters or not… you always have to be two steps ahead of your opponent.” She took out fifty-two aces of spades and began flicking them out at Pierre in a playing card rain of pain! “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!”

“NON NON NON NOOOOOON!!” Pierre shrieked! “THIS LOSS, SHE IS EST IMPOSSIBLE!! IMPOSSIBLEEEEEH!!

“Now you have to swear to never gamble with small, gullible people ever again, as the laws of hero versus villain dictate!” Alexis ordered!

“… NON!!” Pierre shouted! “I SHALL HAVE LE LAST LAUGH!!” He jumped over the table, squeezed Alexis’ chest, stole her small red scarf thing and leaped out the window!

“HE JUMPED OUT OF THROUGH THE WINDOW!” Statetheobvious Lucy cried!

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Alexis shrieked! “SEXUAL CHILD ABUSE!! SOMEBODY KILL HIIIIM!!”

“Too late, he jumped out the third-story window, like Suicide Jim,” Encyclopedia Brawn said.

“Hmm… good!” Alexis decided. “At least I’ll never see HIM again for ten years give or take.”

 

“AND I WAS RIGHT! HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY RIGHT!!” Alexis roared! “But you NEVER grew up, even after you ALMOST died! You’re no gambler, you’re a THIEF! And a MOLESTOR!”

“Hmm hmm hmm,” Pierre chuckled. “So you’re so le mad for le écharpe that you the los locos?”

“When did that punk ever make sense again?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Never,” Syrus Sy-ed.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Hey, Pierre, y’stupid idiot!” Jaden shouted! “Yo, yo, y’all I gotta start layin’ it all out to this foo’… WITH A RAP.”

“WHAT? WHY?!” Syrus inquired quizzically.

“I GOTS to set things straight with my music!’ Jadenn insisted. “If he FACES that music, well then I won. Jus’ hang tight, I got it all under control!

 

“Yo yo yo

Mmm mmm mmm

Yo yo yo

Mmm mmm mmm

You bein’ all rude, crude ‘n lewd, not even chewin’ yo’ food,

and you bein’ all stealin’ that gal’s scarf, gotta snarf y’dumbness wit’ yo barf,

I gotta lay thick th’ rhymes ‘bout yo crimes, colorin’ in th’ lines fo’ all o’ times

jammin’ up th’ jives an livin’ up th’ lives, that you have wasted, that you have pasted.

Yeah yeah yeah. That’s my rap, y’all, and I hope it reached out to you, Pierre-dawg,” Jaden concluded.

 

“… The boy is right,” Pierre agreed, “I stole your scarf so it is mine and I get to win.”

“That’s not what I said, man!”

“Everybody, just stay out of this!” Alexis ordered! “You’re all just making it worse! Even you dozens of people who haven’t said anything!”

“But I haven’t done anything!” Chazz cried!

“You irritated me! Go jump in a magma lake or something!”

“Hey, that’s what I used to say!” Chazz remembered.

“I thought you and Shades weren’t supposed to TALK this episode,” Alexis growled. Chazz looked down in sadness.

“Come on, kid,” consoled Shades Milligan, taking Chazz away. “Let’s go get us some shakes.”

“But I don’t know what to do! I haven’t done anything cool since the Big House cast episode!”

 

“Back to le point! I pay le 500 Life Points to keep le Fairy Box card onto le field!” Pierre announced, pointing to his whack-a-mole card. (Pierre: 3500 Life Points) “Next I pay the ability of mon Gamble Angeling Bunny Girl Woman!” The Gamble Angel Bunny hopped twice, signifying how important she was now! “I flip la coin and put the pain into your cour!”

“Oh no,” Jaden gasped, “one more flip and Alexis could lose one-THOUSAND Life Points!” He got hit in the head by a few flying bottles.

“WE KNEW THAT ALREADY!”

“Well it’s not MY fault you already knew it, yo!”

 

“I flip and call of the tail!” Pierre called, flipping a coin over in his hand! “Ha! Tail! I is the big victor!” Alexis got hit by a shower of golden monetary items.

“Ow,” Alexis said, holding out and filling up her wallet with some free cash. (Alexis: 2000 Life Points)

“And not that the bunny is over with the pesos,” Pierre decided, “I shall do the summon of a DEUX Angel Gambler Bunny!” Suddenly, a second Gamble Angel Bunny appeared next to the first! “I’m prepared to destroy your Tutu Cyberfille!”

“Aw, MAN! Double trouble power players!” Mann McOldsmobile cried! “LOOK OUT, FAIR LASS!!”

“I don’t HAVE to!” Alexis announced, activating her Trap card! It was Doblé Passe! “With this card, your attack goes Direct, and my Cyber Tutu gets to do the same to you!”

“Mweh heh heh, you realize you the are a losing more the Points Life than me!” garbled Pierre as his bunny threw a bunch of playing cards at Alexis!

“Ow,” Alexis said as she got hit by playing cards. (Alexis: 800 Life Points)

“Ow,” Pierre said as he got kicked in the face. (Pierre: 2500 Life Points) “My OTHER Lapin le Fille Lady attacks the Tututu!!” The second bunnygirl threw a playing card at Cyber Tutu’s stomach.

“Ow,” Cyber Tutu said as she exploded.

“Ow,” Alexis said as she lost Life Points. (Alexis: 600 Life Points)

“Meh, I shall forget the power of ma Lapin Gambler Lady for this turn and end it all,” Pierre stupidly decided.

“What a DUMMY! A BIG, FAT DUMMY!” laughed Syrus. “He’ll NEVER beat HER like THAT!”

“Yes I won’t!” Pierre dis/agreed!

“I don’t care! I set a Trap card and play the iconic sheep card Scapegoat!” Alexis cried out! By sending a card with four fluffy goat-things to the Graveyard, she gained in return FOUR multi-colored sheep! (Scapegoats: 0 Defense Points) “Beat that!”

“Well,” Jaden said, “looks like Lex… just got some Defense.”

“That’s no rhyme,” Syrus Sy-ed.

 

“Well, ma Cherie, I shall pay 500 points and maintain ma le Fairy Box onto the field!” Pierre announced. (Pierre: 2000 Life Points) “Then I summon THE SAND GAMBLER!!” A man with sandy-blonde hair in a nice gambler’s suit appeared in a purple flash of light! He had a confident grin, which was somehow off-putting... (Sand Gambler: 300 Attack Points) “This monsieur is a very monsieur of the importance! See, if I get the flip of the coin thrice, all your monsters est finis!”

“Ha ha ha, what a laugh!” laughed Chazz and Shades Milligan, drinking their milkshakes. “But what’re the odds of…” They stopped themselves once they noticed the obvious truth. “We’ll behave from now on…”

“Now, I do le FLEEEEEP!!” Pierre announced hammily! He turned his coin over. “HEADS!” He turned it over again. “HEADS!” He turned it to the right a bit. “HEADS! HA HA HA HA HA, I WIN AGAIN!!” The Sand Gambler, now realizing his goal, took out a bunch of poker chips in a small sack.

“YA HA-YA!!” he shouted, flinging chips at all of the Scapegoats! His deed done, he made a cool, manly pose and stated, “Looks like I… can’t read your poker face.” The Scapegoats exploded into the giant word ‘FAIL’.

“AND NOW, I END THIS GAME!!” Pierre yelled, as his bunnies hopped into action! They took a big leap and came at Alexis from above in a kicking pose!

“Nope, you posers!” Alexis disagreed! She flipped up ONE MORE TRAP CARD. Having three marine blue-robed ladies chanting a magic spell, it was called… “LIFE BARRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!! I discard one card and can turn all of your Battle Damage this turn to ZERO!” She added in the motion of ‘YOU SUCK’ with a thumbs-down. The bunnies bounced off of the shield harmlessly, then jumped back into place.

“Well, you may be safe for ONE play of le turn, but I assure, le fiesta du circus ole is NOT over yeeeeet!” Pierre promised!

 

“Hmph.” Pierre, I’m done playing with you, Alexis monologued to herself. I tried to help you, and I tried to get the other students to understand you. Understand what a JERK and a THIEF you were to us all! But this tears it…. I’M BREAKING YOU TONIGHT, BEFORE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO GROPE ANYBODY ELSE!! She tore her next card out of her Duel Disk, and then tossed that card into the Graveyard! “I activate the Spell card The Warrior Returning Alive, adding Cyber Tutu back into my hand and onto the field!”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!” coughed Cyber Tutu hoarsely, trying to seem imposing. (Cyber Tutu: 1000 Attack Points)

“Then I’ll play the Spell card Prima Light!” The Spell had some woman in a red-masked grey jumpsuit with her hair in a loooong flowing style tied up with some large beads, somehow laying down with two large rings around her waist, sitting with her own pity under a spotlight of lies. “I sacrifice my Cyber Tutu in order to summon CYBER PRIMA!!” The little girl graduated into the woman from the picture! (Cyber Prima: 2300 Attack Points) “I can’t use her special ability tonight, but I can STILL kick your ass! Go, Prima, and WIIIIIIIN for victory!!”

“But you seem to have forgotten le BOX DE FAIRY!!” Pierre shouted! “I flip le euro, I call le euro, and le euro is KING!” He lifted up his coin and prepared to “toss” it!”

Oh poo, this means that I forgot about his Trap card, so I’m going to be TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE THIS TURN!! Alexis realized!

 

“BOOOOoOOPP!!!” shouted Chazz and Shades Milligan! Pierre was naturally SO shocked that he dropped the coin, resulting in a tails result!!

“HOLY HEADS!!” he cried! “WHAT AN OBVIOUS TWEEEEEST!!” Cyber Prima took off her amazing rings and threw them at her opponent, the Sand Gambler!

“Woah!” he gasped, grabbing the hoops around his body and hooping them around like a real hula-hooper! “Hey, I’m doin’ it!” he cried with glee!

“Tee hee,” giggled the two Gamble Angel Bunnies, thinking it was so funny to see this man doing such a womanly act.

“Oh man,” he cried, “I’m SO EMBARASSED!!” He exploded so hard that he took the other two with him. (Pierre: 0 Life Points)

“NON NON NON!!” Pierre shrieked! “IT CAN NOT THE BE! HOOPING IS A VERY VIRIL SPORT OF THE CHOOSING!!”

 

“That means it’s ALL OVER,” Alexis growled, throwing her Duel Disk at Pierre’s face.

“Ow, ma face!”

“WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” screamed the Duel Academy audience, so proud of their resident poster-girl!

“Please, ma femme fatale,” Pierre shakily requested, pulling out the red scarf he was holding onto through this entire ordeal, “I plead you with the forgiven. The reason… the reason I came to duel the beau tu, was because I… I LOVE YOU!!” He tossed the light, tissue-like scarf across the entire field, allowing Alexis to catch it. She accidentally tore it with her catching fingers.

“Whoops. Really?” she inspected.

“Yes…”

“NO FRIGGIN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!” screamed Chazz and Shades Milligan, outraged, pulling out a rocket launcher from the cyborg’s mouth!

“Stand down, you too,” Alexis instructed.

“What an obvious twist,” Syrus Sy-ed, with a smile and a shrug.

“Yes, mon amour,” Pierre said, eyes sparkling, “I came to this school in order to find the you to duel and have you fall in amour avec moi.” He took a few steps toward Alexis. Ma Cherie…

What a dork, Alexis told herself.

And finally, with you in mon sights once as again… “THEN I CAN DO LE GROPING!!” Pierre shouted suddenly, running at her at full speed, holding his squeezing hands out ahead! “WAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAAA!!”

 

“Punch,” Alexis said, punching him so hard in the chin that his shoes fell off. “Kick,” she said, kicking him so hard that his socks fell off. “Slap,” she said, slapping him so hard in the crotch that he flew through the ceiling. “And that takes care of that… oh hey, he left his shoes and socks. What a loser.”

“… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” cheered the audience! “THAT’S OUR ALEXIS! ABLE TO TURN A DANGEROUS GROPE SITUATION INTO A FAREWELL SLAP IN THE PRIVATES!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!”

“Alexiiiiis,” Chazz sobbed, suddenly grabbing her leg and getting snot all over it, “that was the most –SNFF- moving thing I ever seen! Please… -SNFF- PLEASE BE M’WIFE!!”

“Me too,” suggested Shades Milligan.

“Not me, I’ve moved on,” insisted Mann McOldsmobile.

“Ew get off,” Alexis ordered, kicking Chazz off. “Now if you don’t all excuse me, I’m going to bed.” Suddenly, Angry McArgue, Nancy Wut and Aticus appeared.

“Woah, sis, what’s with the crowds?” Atticus asked.

“Looks like a whopper of a humdinger just happened,” Nancy Wut guessed.

“Somehow, ‘humdinger’ irritates me,” Angry McArgue hissed. “Anyways, let’s take our leave!”

“Okay,” Alexis said, leading them all off. They stepped over fetal-position Chazz as they did. Atticus turned back to stare at the poor-looking excuse for a man on the floor. He shrugged and walked off as Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson pulled him away by the hair.

“Alexis…” Chazz whispered to himself, “I… will make you mine…”

“I reckon maybe,” Billy Hills said.

“Huh, maybe, huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson agreed.

“Both of you, please shut up before I pull you into a fireplace.”

“Yes sir huh reckon huh!” the gleefully accepted.

“All in all, I think this was a pretty successful filler ep, y’all,” Jaden decided as the crowds dispersed.

“Yep,” Syrus agreed.

“An’ to think, we’ve only got five more episodes this season…” Mann McOldsmobile recalled.

“Hubba-WHA?!”

 

And yet, Chazz wasn’t finished with this episode just yet. Alexis, he thought in sadness and pain as he was yanked across the floor, I have to capture your heart before the year ends… wait wait HOLY CRAP THERE’S CHRONOLOGICALLY ONE DAY LEFT OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE SEASON ENDS!! I have to… I HAVE TO BEAT SHADES MILLIGAN AND ORDER ATTICUS TO TELL ME HOW TO OPEN ALEXIS’ HEART!! He thought back to the previous events of the night as he was tugged up a flight of stairs.

“Man, huh, Billy, huh, it’s tough draggin’ people up stairs!”

“I reckon so, Dobbson!”

“I came to this school in order to find the you to duel and have you fall in amour avec moi.” That had to be it. Such passion, such ideal! Chazz foolishly knew, as he was an idiot in love! It’s so touching, forcing a woman to duel you in order to beat them and then impress you with your cruel might! No, kids, don’t listen to him. He’s depraved. This means… THIS MEANS… that I have to figure out how to duel Alexis! But… how will I get the opportunity with only less than twenty-four island-hours left? Oh yeah and whatever happened to the seventh Star?

“Shadow Riders!” Nancy Wut corrected.

 

Meanwhile, Pierre was sitting on a rock in the middle of a jungle, doubled-over and clutching his crotch in pain. “… I… I do not be believing in that I’d like the cameo in le future,” Pierre decided.

 

 

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Okay, it's been long enough. I should post this already.

 

[spoiler=Episode 29: Even More Duels on Duel Island]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 29: Even More Duels on Duel Island

 

“DUEL!” shouted Syrus and female-Bastion. (Syrus Truesdale: 4000 Life Points, Misa Wabastion: 4000 Life Points)

“HEEEEEY, I reckon her Life Point counter says she’s ‘Misa Wabastion’!” gasped Billy Hills!

“What a lazy name…” Syrus sy-ed.

“Wait a minute,” Misa realized, “this means that you’re shameless plugs of Pyrus Puesdale and Mountain Jill!”

“Those are even WORSE parodies!” Syrus cried!

“Puesdale is a funny name, I reckon,” Billy Hills chuckled. “Anyways, I reckon I’m BILLY HILLS, not Mountain Jill, whoever THAT gal’ is, and this is SYRUS TRUESDALE.”

“Well, nice to meet you all, then.” If my dueling psychology is correct, Misa thought, then that means this boy could mean trouble if he really got serious… I’ll end this one quick before he can take out any of the girls! Or Alex, who is sexy. She drew her hand, which had a Ring of Destruction included. Of course! “I’ll set two cards and end my turn.” Two large rectangular holograms appeared in front of the girl.

 

“Um, alright, I’ll summon Super Robot Steam Locomotive Robot in Attack Mode!” Syrus’s ‘trusty’ olde-fashioned train appeared with vengeance in his eyes. (SRSLR: 1800 Attack Points)

“I activate Threatening Roar!” called Misa! A Trap featuring a cool manticore guy yelling at a giant purple doggy flipped up.

“BWARG,” the card roared.

“You can’t declare an attack this turn,” Misa explained.

“Aw, darn it. I’ll just end my turn.”

“Time to summon the best monster ever!” Misa boasted! “I activate the Spell card, Contract With the Nine-Tailed Fox!” A weird seal appeared on the rainforest floor.

Aw, now don’t tell me she’s summonin’ THAT, I reckon… Billy Hills dreaded.

“I reduce my Life Points to 100 in order to summon the Nine-Tailed Fox from my deck!!” Misa announced! (Misa: 4000 -> 100 Life Points) The seal faded away and was replaced with a monstrous puff of smoke, which faded away as well to reveal a monstrous, demonic fox that several of you would find familiar. It was a deep red and had nine tails, too.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHR!!” it roared, baring its gleaming fangs. (NTF: 4000 Attack Points)

 

“AW, COME ON!!” Syrus groaned!

“What? Naruto is freaking awesome!” Misa said.

“BUT IT’S DUMB!!” Syrus shouted! “ALL THE INTERESTING CHARACTERS ARE NEVER USED, AND SASUKE IS ANNOYING! I gave up on it after the Chunin Exams!”

“Actually, I reckon it’s alright,” Billy Hills supposed. “I mean, Shippuden’s cool.”

“It doesn’t matter, time-skips don’t fix something broken!” Syrus adamantly decided. “In fact, it got even WORSE after that!”

“Y-you DO know that talking like that’s going to make you a lot of enemies,” Misa worried.

“What, so a bunch of readers like Naruto? I’ll believe THAT when I see it.” Suddenly I am flooded with negative comments. “Aw man!”

 

“A-anyways, I’ll use the Trap card, Ring of Destruction.” A ring of grenades appeared around the neck of the *overrated story’s* giant demon fox, like a collar. It detonated expertly, destroying it and bringing both players to failure. Expertly, if I may add. (Misa Wabastion: 0 Life Points, Syrus Truesdale: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Wha… wha?! What?!”

“I reckon she’s cheap,” Billy Hills sighed.

“How do you like my expert ‘tying tactics’? Ohohohoho!” laughed Misa, reminiscent of an evil queen of some sort.

“We’re barely into this episode and already something stupid happened!” Syrus cried! “You could’ve—”

“You may not believe it, but if I beat people in a duel, they die in horrible manners.”

“She’s a parody o’ Bastion, I reckon, stop bein’ such a jerk!”

“I’m not a parody. I’m Misa.”

“Oh, right,” Syrus groaned. “I’m sorry.” I just really hope there’s no female me or anything… crap, I jinxed it.

 

MEANWHILE…

Alex Road had carelessly abandoned Nancy Wut and was currently adventuring, in order to discover the source of that noise… (Yuki was too, but somewhere else) He walked out of a bunch of dense trees into a clearing with a neat lake leading up to a modest waterfall. “Neat,” he said, admiring it.

“Well, I guess if you managed to make it all the way over here,” decided Bastion, walking out from the shadows on his new tiger buddy, “it means you’re a good duelist.”

“I don’t understand how that works, but yeah… why are you riding a tiger… and what happened to your hand?!” Alex screamed in shock.

“Oh, it’s just a flesh wound.”

“Flesh wounds don’t include total decapitation of body parts!”

“Oh, fine, is this any better?” Bastion sighed, putting on a prosthetic hand.

“Um, somewhat,” Alex breathed in relief. “Alright, I’ll duel you now, seeing as you’re not handicapped anymore.”

“Oh, well I thank you.” Bastion got off of his newfound tigress buddy. “Wait here, Shirley, I’ll be right back.” The tigress looked like she was too afraid to run away.

“DUEL!!” (Bastion: 4000 Life Points, Alex: 4000 Life Points)

 

“I’ll start this off by summoning Hydrogeddon in Attack Mode!” Bastion shouted! A spout of water sprayed out of the ground and took the form of a dinosaur. It’s still about the coolest thing in this show. (Hydrogeddon: 1600 Attack Points) “Then I’ll set one card face-down and end my turn.” Go ahead and guess what he set down. Go ahead, guess.

 

That’s one of his signature monsters. This really is the guy I need to beat. Once I do, our chances of victory are 104%. “Okay then,” Alex said, pushing up his glasses in a cool-yet-cold manner, “’l’ll summon Sonic the Hedgehog!” Sonic dashed onto the field with a magnificent skidding stop.

“You’re too slow!” he teased. (StH: 1700 Attack Points) “Next, I can Special Summon Tails the Fox from my hand because I summoned Sonic this turn!” added Alex, as an anthropomorphic fox flew onto the field, spinning his TWO TAILS around like a helicopter, from nowhere in particular. His appearance was marked by the upbeat and nostalgic ‘Sonic Sez’ theme song. (TtF: 1500 Attack Points) “Next, because I Special Summoned him, I can add a ‘Sonic’ Spell or Trap into my hand.” Alex picked his card.

 

“Hmm, so you really are one of those kids with the ‘pop culture’ decks?” Bastion sighed. “I can’t believe you guys actually WANT to use them!”

“What’s wrong with them?” Alex asked, irked. “They’re better than YOUR cards.”

“Oh, really now? Say that again once you win.”

“Gimmee a sec. I’ll discard my new Trap, Super Sonic.” His Sonic the Hedgehog glowed bright yellow and gained more incredible hair! (StH: 2700 Attack Points)

“Hmm, an archetype that lets you discard Traps from your hand, eh?” Bastion chuckled. “This match’ll be over earlier than I first thought.” End in my favor, that is! thought Bastion.

End in my favor, that is! thought Alex.

Hey, did you just copy me? Bastion asked.

WAAAAH!! Alex freaked out! “WAAAAH!!” Alex screamed! “H-how did you… er-hem. I’ll discard the Trap, Sonic and the Dark Knight™, in order to boost my Super Sonic further and draw two cards.” Alex sent away another card and gained two more! Super Sonic put on a hefty knight helmet and grabbed a glowing magic sword! (StH: 3500 Attack Points)

“Come on, that’s pretty unfair!” whined Bastion. “Pot of Greed AND a boost?!”

“Nobody cares, Bastion!”

“Yeah, nobody cares!”

“Oh, fine…” grumbled Bastion.

Okay, I got Sonic From Brawl and Sonic Unleashed™… Alex plotted. Perfect…

Perfect… plotted Bastion, fingering his Ring of Destruction (I told you it was obvious!).

Perfect… plotted the tigress, noticing Bastion’s perfect strategy.

 

“Finally, before I strike, I’ll discard Sonic Unleashed™ to power up Sonic further!” Alex announced, as his Super-Sonic-Knight’s nose became more pointed, hair shaggier, and build buffer! He was now… a mutated super-saiyan hedgehog knight with super-speed. (StH: 4300 Attack Points)

“That’s far enough, Sonic-guy!” Bastion ordered! “I activate MY Trap card: Ring of Destruction!!” The symbolic card showed itself and—

“I discard ‘Tails Ruins the Sonic Says Sign’.”

“Er, what?” The ‘Sonic Sez’ song began again as Tails flew up to the Ring of Destruction card with a paintbrush and matching paint can! He painted ‘Sonic Sez’ on it.

“Oh, screw you, Tails!” Super-Werewolf-Knight-Sonic yelled!

“Wh-what, Sonic?” Tails asked.

“YOU RUINED THE SIGN!!” Super-Werewolf-Knight-Sonic smashed the Trap card over Tails’ head, breaking it into splinters. Tails died.

 

“What have you done?!” Bastion pleaded, staring at his vandalized card.

“I just negated your Trap,” Alex said, fixing his glasses in a cool fashion, “and I’ll attack you now.”

“No!” Bastion sobbed! “I can’t lose! I NEVER lose, I only play tie matches! GYAAAH!!”

“Attack with Rage of the Werewolf Excalibur Slashing Miracle Super Wave Dashing!!” Alex ordered! Super-Werewolf-Knight-Sonic punched really hard with his sword arm, stretching it out like Straw Hat Luffy might do, until it got in front of Hydrogeddon. He simply stabbed his super-sword through the dinosaur’s body, then retracted his arm, letting his body fly right into it and made a cool-colored purple flash of light as he smashed it into water droplets. There was a mighty crash, and Bastion lost his Life Points. (Bastion: 1300 Life Points)

 

“Argh, so THIS is what being a failure feels like!” Bastion cried out! “…It’s not THAT bad.”

“And Tails, you attack, too!” Alex ordered!

“What? Didn’t… didn’t that sign kill him?”

Bleeeeh…” murmured Zombie-Tails.

“Since when was he zombified?!” Tails ignored him and transformed into a hog-nosed bat! He fluttered over to Bastion and shot out many mummy wrappings at him. “I don’t think he’s a mummy OR a vampire!” (Bastion: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Well, mummies are zombies from Egypt,” Alex explained, “and vampires are technically undead.”

“Oh, well that sucks,” sighed the tiger. She stood up on two legs, lit up a smoke and left.

“…”

“…Well, losing isn’t THAT bad,” Bastion repeated shrugging, “wanna go inspect that noise?”

“Okay.” Idiot, he diabolically thought, he’s leading me RIGHT where I want to go…

He’ll DEFINETLY lose to one of those guys down there, Bastion diabolically thought, I’m just taking him to his doom…

 

CURRENT SCORE:

 

Chazz Princeton: Active

Syrus Truesdale: Tie; Misa Wabastion

Bastion Misawa: Loss; Alex Road

Billy Hills: Active

Nancy Wut: Loss; Alex Road

Angry McArgue: Active

 

Yuki Judai: Active

Zazz Princesston: Loss; Chazz Princeton

Huffy Chumlington: Active

Alex Road: Active

Misa Wabastion: Tie; Syrus

Pyrus Puesdale: Active

 

**********

 

“Nooooooo,” said Huffy Chumlington, getting blasted by a ray of light. (Huffy: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Ha, I beat you, and the audience didn’t even get to see it, it was so quick!” Angry McArgue laughed rudely.

“I can’t believe you didn’t even let me use my Pikachu,” Huffy said, slowly holding up her Pikachu monster card.

“ANYBODY with a Pokemon-based Duel Monsters card will DEFINETLY suck, idiot! They don’t go together! Now I’m going to go where I was headed before! You stay here and eat more fruit.”

“Where were you headed?”

“Shut up!”

“The noise was there,” Huffy said, pointing in a direction.

“Oh, thanks… FOOL!” Angry McArgue walked away in that direction.

“Owm, owm, owm…” Huffy ate.

 

Angry McArgue broke out from the dense foliage into… the area where Syrus and Misa were sitting , Billy Hills and Yuki were beginning to duel, Bastion and Alex had just entered, and Nancy Wut was standing in that crushed log that started it all.

“Nancy?!” Angry McArgue gasped! “You stood on that log, causing it to break, AND drawing everybody here due to your stupid sense of wonder and amusement?!”

“No,” Nancy Wut corrected, “he broke it.” She pointed to Billy Hills.

“A-Angry, I reckon it’s crazy,” Billy Hills panicked, “there’s a girl Jaden, an’ Bastion, AND a boy Alexis!”

“And YOU’RE all people I know!” Yuki Judai countered! “This is FREAKIN’ me out!”

“I just fought a girl Chum—I mean, Koala Ko Ala, so I think I get it.” The other Kaibaland Duel Academy students grimaced at their mental images of what that koala-girl could look like.

 

“Anyways, just tell me who lost,” Angry McArgue requested.

“Me.”

‘Me.”

“Me.”

“Not ME, I reckon!”

“I beat two of them,” Alex boasted.

“I tied!” Misa said.

“And you’re about to lose,” Angry McArgue sighed.

“That’s mean, I reckon!”

“Some things must be said. Especially because you stink at dueling.”

“That ‘ssumption’s groundless, I reckon!”

“Who cares, I’m going to have to beat up everybody for you guys, anyway…”

“Maybe Chazz—”

“Lost, most likely, screw him.”

“Man, you’re mean,” Yuki said.

“You be quiet!”

“Look, why don’t you duel Alex while you wait for me?” Yuki suggested.

“No way,” Angry McArgue disagreed, “I’m just going to sit RIGHT here and watch your strategy!”

Good one! Bastion mentally supported! Angry McArgue planted her behind next to Nancy Wut and gave Yuki the stink-eye.

 

“I reckon you’re all ‘bout to see why they call me Billy Hills!” Billy Hills warned, his cool Mexican-ish theme blaring in the background. (Billy Hills: 4000 Life Points)

“Because it’s your name?” (Yuki Judai: 4000 Life Points)

“Yeah!”

“Why is THAT your theme song?” Alex Road asked.

“Well, I ‘kin choose whether or not I like slow songs better’n hot-blooded ones, I reckon! An’ I like it, too, I reckon!”

“Okay then, your loss…” Alex grumbled.

Billy Hills drew six cards. “First, I play the monster Hill Folk Rocky, I reckon!” One of the rocky mountains appeared. (Rocky: 2100 Attack Points)

“Does he have an ability?” Yuki asked.

“No, I reckon.”

“Oh yeah, the Hill Folk archetype is based around Normal Monsters, without abilities, right?”

“YOU SUCK!!” Angry McArgue yelled.

“Quiet, I reckon I’m tryin’ my best!”

“Why is a mountain a monster?” Syrus wondered.

 

“Next,” Billy Hills said, “I’ll discard a Hill Folk monster to add Call of the Hills into my hand from my deck, I reckon!” He discarded his Hill Folk Kilimanjaro and took a card from his deck! “I now reckon I’ll activate that same Field Spell!” Call of the Hills magically appeared! The image on the card showed a mountain with lines emanating from itself.

“I… don’t get it,” Alex conceded.

“It’s wigglin’, I reckon, duh!” The image took on a whole new meaning when it faded, allowing dozens of mountains to grow out of nowhere and surround the field! Then they began to WIGGLE.

That doesn’t work!” Syrus worried.

“Now all my Hill Folks gain 200 Attack Points for every Hill Folk monster in my Graveyard, I’ll also set a card and end my turn, I reckon.” His face-down appeared and his Rocky mountain seemed to get tougher through erosion or whatever. (Rocky: 2300 Attack Points)Okay, I reckon, Billy Hills thought, I just set Defense Draw! It was a Trap card featuring a knight blowing up and some kid drawing a card. I reckon it negates damage and lets me draw a card when my monster is killed. I also reckon it’s weird that I’m ‘splainin’ it all to m’self.

 

“Alright, time to get this game in gear!” shouted Yuki!

“BOO!” shouted Angry McArgue.

“I activate Prinny Squad!!” A Spell appeared, featuring (I use this word often) three fish-eyed, sewn-up, peg-legged demon penguins holding machetes. Three identical penguins magically teleported onto the field!

“HERE!!” they shouted, ready for battle, brandishing their weapons!

“I can now, as I just did, Special Summon three Pvt. Prinny monsters from my deck!”

“DOOD!!” the trio yelled. (Pvt. Prinnies: 1300 Attack Points)

“Prinnies?!” Syrus gasped! “Pr-Prinnies… I… I just can’t…” His head exploded.

“What’s with them?” Bastion simply asked.

“Oh, you’ll see what’s up wit’ them REEEEEAL soon, man, real soon.” Yuki’s eyes flashed a bit of murderous intent.

This don’t look too good, I reckon, Billy Hills gulped. Now I really DO reckon I wish my deck didn’t suck so much.

 

MEANWHILE AGAIN…

Chazz and Pyrus, and not to mention Zazz, were all still by those cool falls, completely unnoticed by Bastion no matter how many times he actually passed by them. If you’d remembered correctly, Pyrus Puesdale (hee) had recently challenged Chazz into a duel to re-assert her dominance.

“DUEL!!” she roared. (Chazz: 4000 Life Points, Pyrus: 4000 Life Points) Pyrus’ opening hand contained such gems as ‘Level Down!?’ I’d just LOVE to see the look on his face when I use this on his damn Level Seven dragon! He deserves it for disrespecting me with THAT joke. I’ve heard it every day of my life… and I’ve yet to not get my revenge once.

 

“I’ll set one card face-down,” Pyrus stated, “and I’ll summon Alchemy Arms – Executioner’s Scythe!” A cool Japanese schoolgirl with blue hair of some sort and a scar across the bridge of her nose appeared, giving off the air of a seasoned warrior. (Executioner’s Scythe: 1900 Attack Points)

Woah! 1900 Attack Points?! That’s no ordinary schoolgirl… no, she looks familiar somehow… Chazz suspected.

Go ahead, summon Masked Dragon! Pyrus demanded. You’ll RUE ever making fun of me!

 

“I activate SKYSCRAPER!!” Buildings appeared.

“H-huh?!” Pyrus gasped, freakin’ out!

“What’s wrong? Not ready for me to beat you… I need to think out my next boast before I try making it…”

“N-NO!! YOU’RE not supposed to use THAT!! JADEN uses that! He’s not even here!!” Pyrus screamed!

“Wait… you saw that world-televised duel?!” Chazz realized.

“Yeah…”

“Then why were you so scared when you first saw me…?”

“U-u-uh…” Pyrus slowly turned around and looked to Zazz for support.

“You just failed us all,” Zazz said. Pyrus slowly turned back to Chazz, sweating profusely.

“U-u-u-uuuuuuh…”

“So… you guys targeted me because you knew my deck?”

“Pretty much,” Zazz answered.

“Oh this is just great, you get SOMEWHAT POPULAR and suddenly EVERYBODY knows how to BEAT you!” Chazz griped.

“Dude, it was shown ALL OVER THE WORLD, EVERYWHERE. It’s not that hard to figure it out anymore.”

“Then you were all acting like you’d never seen me before?! “

“To make it seem like we’d never learned about your cards. I just dueled like normal because I believed I was better than you.”

“Well… I’ll just play now.”

“U-u-uh, okay…”

 

“I summon Elemental Hero Heat in Attack Mode!!” A cab drove over through the city to the duel-area and let Heat leap out and pay the driver. (Heat: 1600 Attack Points) The car door slammed shut and drove away.

“I… haven’t seen that one…”

“Well, PY-rus, I’m using the NATURE Elemental Heroes, not the regular ones, like that crappy Avian. So this means ALL my guys are THREE times more deadly than normal. Even Heat, who gains 200 more Attack Points for every Hero on the field… including himself!” Heat glowed a fiery orange for whatever reason. (Heat: 1800 Attack Points)

 

“Whenever I attack a stronger monster when Skyscraper is active—”

“We ALL know what it does.”

“Fine then! Heat, attack with Heat Flame!!” Heat performed one of those lame attacks from the show, where he ran up to Executioner’s Scythe and shot a bit of fire from his arms. (Heat: 2800 Attack Points)

“Ability activate!” Pyrus ordered! Suddenly, on her schoolgirl’s legs, two weird and hard-to-explain machines clamped onto her and grew two mechanical arms ending in neat, rip-y blades. They got into such a position that they could try and absorb the attack! (Executioner’s Blade: 1800 Defense Points)

“What’s she doing, and where have I seen that before?” Chazz ordered.

“I’m using her FIRST ability,” Pyrus explained, “I can put her into Defense Mode when she’s attacked! Then I can use her SECOND effect, one almost all Alchemy Arms monsters share: I can discard a card from my hand. Then, depending on the type of card, I can do something different. I’ll discard the Trap card Alchemy Training!” Pyrus sent a card away and drew two cards. “When I discard it to the Graveyard I’m allowed to draw two cards, and then I’ll use Exeutioner’s Scythe’s ability to deal 400 points of damage to your Life Points for discarding a Trap card! Go, Valkyrie Skirt!” While still guarding, one of the mechanical arms extended to the point where it could cut Chazz’s face! Holographically.

“Ow.” (Chazz: 3600 Life Points)

 

“HAH!” Heat roared, punching through the robot arms and smashing the girl’s face in!

“Ahh!” She exploded.

“Now… I’ll set a card face-down and end it here.” How the heck did this work?! She just used this one turn to take control of the duel… on MY turn! Time for some Chazz-fueled payback.

Pyrus looked down at her two Trap cards she’d drawn. One featured a whole bunch of robotic hexagons; the other had just one, but it glowed furiously. Time to set my ‘Ultimate Draw Engine’ combo up. She drew her card for the turn, which had a cool boy getting a heart transplant… WITH A MECHANICAL HEXAGON!! PERFECT!! Pyrus thought.

 

“I’ll set three cards face-down,” she narrated, “and summon Alchemy Arms – Bright Lancer!” Three cards appeared alongside the boy from the last Trap, who held a huge mechanical lance, with a neat red cloth attached to it. (Bright Lancer: 1900 Attack Points)

“Oh my GOSH!” Chazz finally realized! “That’s Kazuki from Buso Renkin!! And Executioner’s Blade… that was Tokiko!! No WONDER she was familiar! DAMN! I LOVE that series!”

“Um…” Pyrus was frightened. “I-I’ll just go on…”

“He’s just a nerd! Finish’m off!” Zazz ordered

“Hey! I just went out of character for a moment! I can’t stay mean-yet-cool forever, y’know!”

“When Bright Lancer—”

“Kazuki.”

“Huh?”

“Call him Kazuki! That’s what the CHARACTER is named, right?”

“… No, the CARD is named BRIGHT LANCER!!” Pyrus shouted! “When he attacks, he gains 300 extra Attack Points for the battle, and destroys one of your Spells or Traps. So… KILL HIM!!” Kazuki aimed his lance down at Hero Heat. “Go! SUUUUN… LIIIIGHT… HEEEAAAAAAART!!”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Kazuki’s red cloth glowed like the sun! (Kazuki: 2200 Attack Points) He charged forward, no; ROCKETED forward as his entire body blazed yellow and pierced his lance through Heat’s abdomen.

“Guuah…” Heat moaned. He exploded as a ray of energy fired through his entire body and erased the city from existence.

“Ugh,” Chazz grunted. (Chazz: 3200 Life Points) “That won’t stop me from activating Hero Signal, though!” An ‘H’ appeared! “I’ll summon a NEW Elemental Hero to kill off Kazuki!”

Urgh! Damn ‘H’! Pyrus growled. Woodsman dropped down from the sky with an earth-shattering landing! It holographically repaired itself, though, making it a lot less cool. (Woodsman: 2000 Defense Points)

“OOOOOH YEAH!!” Woodsman shouted! (Woodsman: 2000 Defense Points)

“Okay then, I’ll end my turn now.”

 

“Then here’s where I get serious!!” Chazz promised!

“HERE YOU GO!” Woodsman tossed Chazz a Polymerization card. “I cast the Spell Polymerization in order to fuse together the two worst Heroes in my hand, Knopse and Ice Edge in order to Fusion Summon Elemental Hero Gaia!!” The flower and a kid-version of Absolute Zero leaped into a Polymerization portal and came out as the massive cool guy we all now know and love. (Gaia: 2200 Attack Points) A big fissure cracked open under Kazuki’s feet.

“Woah?!” he gasped, falling in with a hilarious expression. The fissure closed up JUUUST enough so that he couldn’t move. “Aw, man!” (Bright Lancer Kazuki: 950 Attack Points)

“Heh heh,” Gaia chuckled, loving his ability and its usage for SEXY antics! (Gaia: 3150 Attack Points) Yes, Gaia is horrifying.

 

“NO!” Pyrus revolted! “You can’t do that! You aren’t even calling him ‘Bright Lancer’! It’s not fair! It doesn’t work!”

“Fine,” Chazz sighed, “he’s ‘Kazuki Muto’ on my turn, but ‘Bright Lancer’ on YOUR turn, alright?”

“Okay—”

“Now shut it! I summon Elemental Hero Ocean!” The cool blue dolphin-head man appeared in a swell of water! (Ocean: 1500 Attack Points)

“Now Gaia, attack with Earth Shatter!” Gaia held out his jet powered fists. They began sputtering out smoke and spinning like crazy, spinning fists! They fired out like rockets and went straight into the ground.

“Woah!” Kazuki gasped! The fists broke through the ground right in front of him, smashing his face (and the rest of his head) in! He ‘sploded.

“No! Bright Lancer Kazuki!” Pyrus cried. (Pyrus: 1800 Life Points)

“Next, Ocean!” Chazz commanded! “Use Aqua Wave!” Ocean held out his cool water spear thing and summoned a simple wall of water! It charged forth at Pyrus, but it was too late! Wait. What?

Stoooop iiiiit…” Pyrus warned, her hair flowing upward like some sort of super-form of herself, covered in a red aura of some sort! “STOP THAT ATTACK!!

“No,” Chazz said.

“ I use the Trap card Arms Implant!!” Pyrus shouted! It was the card with KAZUKI getting a KAKUGANE (cool hexagon machine that lets you summon a neat weapon) implanted in place of his heart!

“I remember that!” Chazz wistfully reminisced. “Back at the beginning of the series…”

“I bring back an Alchemy Arms monster and give it 500 more Attack Points!”

“Crap.”

 

Kazuki reappeared in a flash of light, somehow forcing the fissure in the earth to re-seal itself! (Kazuki: 2400 Attack Points) “You aren’t even letting the DUEL DISKS call him by the right name, dammit!!”

“Why should I?” Chazz revolted.

“Because she’s gonna counter-attack your ass,” Zazz said, sitting cross-legged with a cup of soda complete with a bendy straw.

“Where’d you get the soda…”

SUNLIGHT HEEEEEEAAAAART!!” commanded Pyrus the Great! Ocean’s wave attack kept going forward, but Kazuki cared. NOT!! His lance’s cloth glowed like crazy! Kazuki was covered in light himself once again, and he simply dashed through the wave. The wave dispersed holographic water everywhere EPICALLY. He then just flew through Ocean’s body, making him ‘splode. (Chazz: 2300 Life Points)

“I know that was awesome, but DAMMITALL!!”

“Isn’t this a kid’s show?” Zazz reminded.

“Only when JADEN’S on!” Chazz enforced.

“Whew,” Pyrus sighed, wiping her brow and losing her power-up-look, “that felt good, beating up your wimpy monster. Alright, you done now?”

“Shee… fine. I’ll set a card and end my turn.” And Chazz did so.

 

“Good,” Pyrus smiled brightly, drawing her next card (OF DESTINY) “now I can put my ‘Ultimate Draw Engine’ to work.”

 

MEANWHILE…

“Get your duel on,” Yuki said, “because I’m gonna beat you this turn!”

“Psshaw,” Billy Hills disagreed. “I reckon NOBODY does that in THIS show!”

“They does now…” Nancy Wut predicted.

“That’s no good,” Misa Wabastion snickered.

“What a bad reference…” Syrus moaned.

“First I’ll send one Pvt. Prinny to the Graveyard in order to Special Summon Pringer X from my hand!” One of the blue penguins spun around SO quickly that sparkles poured out, like magic! And within seconds, it stopped, being a black robotic penguin, complete with a velvet cape, electrical antennae and deathly-red eyes.

DOOD” Pringer X robotically shouted. (Pringer X: 3000 Attack Points)

 

“I-I-I reckon?!”

“That’s TOO powerful!” Syrus worried.

“Next I’ll sacrifice a second Prinny to summon

Evil Prinny Beauty Tyrant Etna!” A second Prinny was booted away through the air by a red-haired lolicon sadist demon girl… with a big red spear. The Prinny bounced off of Billy Hill’s face. Or rather, it exploded, covering Billy Hill’s face covered in holographic soot. (Etna: 2000 Attack Points)

“Koff-koff-I reckon-koff!”

“Oh no, Billy Hills!!” Bastion cried!

“It’s holographic,” reminded Angry McArgue.

 

“Next, by summoning Etna, I can Special Summon

Etna’s Vassal – Hanako from my deck!” A short, pink-haired semi-demonic girl appeared next to Etna, holding a large cooking pot- slash-bazooka. (Hanako: 1400 Attack Points, Tuner)

Aw dang, Billy Hills decided, I reckon I’ve already lost. I reckon that’s WAY more than I can take ‘fer even two more turns…

“Now I’m gonna use Etna’s ability to Special Summon one Prinny from my hand: Prinny King!”

HOLY RECKON!!” A dark-green prinny appeared in appearance dictated by Disgaea: Hour of Darkness™. He had an air of royalty about himself. (Prinny King: 2000 Attack Points) “Dood,” he said in a rich, English accent.

“He has the ability to attack twice per turn, and gain 100 more Attack Points for every other ‘Prinny’ on the field, but I’ll tally all that up at the end of the turn.”

“Y-you’re not done yet…?” Syrus sheepishly asked.

“Of course not,” Misa and Alex snickered, “why do you think she’s our ace duelist?”

Billy’s dueling their BEST duelist from their school?! Syrus trembled. That… that’s not going to end well…

 

“NEEEEEXT…”

“Please, no more, I reckon!!” Billy Hills cried!

“Nope! I equip my last Prinny with Prinny’s Hero Scarf!” A magical red scarf appeared around the neck of the final regular Prinny. “Now I can tribute him to Special Summon Hero Prinny! The Prinny suddenly became somewhat cel-shaded.

“Here we go, dood!” he cheered, doing a flipper-pump! (Hero Prinny: 1900 Attack Points)

 

“Lastly…”

“NO, PLEASE, I RECKON!! JUST END IT NOW, I RECKON!”

“You’ve WON already, you crazy bee-yotch!!” Syrus screamed! “Just END it already!”

“I activate the Ritual Spell card: Laharl Dies!” A Spell with a picture of this prince guy sitting inside of a coffin, dead. AND THE PRINCE-KID APPEARED.

“HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” he laughed! Then he was struck from behind in the noggin by a beer bottle, killing him instantly.

“WAAAGH!! SHE KILLED LAHARL WITH A BEER BOTTLE!!”

“Don’t worry, non-Pyrus!” Yuki sympathized! “I can tribute eight level’s worth of monsters to bring him back!” (Hanako: 3 Stars, Hero Prinny: 5 Stars) Those two guys disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. A red moon from above shone its rays upon the dead demon-prince’s body, reviving him. As a Prinny. But THIS Prinny had angry eyes… and antennae. Here’s a great picture of him now. I did not make it, that’s why it’s so good-looking.

(Prinny Laharl: 2500 Attack Points)

“Don’t even think about using that Trap,” Yuki warned, pointing to his card. Billy Hills gulped. “Prinny Laharl negates the effects of all Spells and Traps, besides Field cards.”

“U-uh, I wuz… wuzzn’t gonna… I reckon…” Prinny Laharl stared at the nervous Billy Hills and the mountains surrounding them (from the ‘Call of the Hills’ card).

“GRR…” he growled. The mountains looked frightened. Hill-Folk Rocky fainted from fear.

 

BUT THE RED SCARF WAS STILL THERE!! A stray cel-shaded Prinny strolled over and put it on. “Gotta have guts, dood!” urged the NEW Hero Prinny. (Hero Prinny: 2400 Attack Points)

“WHA?!” the Duel Academy kids gasped!

NO WAY.” Syrus said, in disbelief over the excellent card-playing move.

“Yes, when Hero Prinny is sent to the Graveyard, I can summon a NEW one from my Extra Deck, and it gains 500 Attack Points for each copy that died!” Yuki darkly described; her face was now somewhat twisted-looking.

What’s with her? Syrus pondered, suddenly terrified. All because of a card game.

 

(Rocky: 2300 Attack Points)

(Evil Prinny Beauty Tyrant Etna: 2000 Attack Points, Prinny King: 2300 Attack Points, Prinny Laharl: 2500 Attack Points, Hero Prinny: 2400 Attack Points)

“Hero Prinny, use your attack on that rock!” ordered Yuki.

“HERE!!” shouted Hero Prinny. He leaped twice above the mountain and did a heavy hip-drop on it. It crumbled. (Billy Hills: 3900 Life Points)

 

“Now, all of you, MURDER HIM!!” Yuki commanded, losing all semblance of humanity in her eyes!

“She’s evil…” Syrus trembled.

“She’s nuts!” Bastion accused!

“She’s OVERDOING IT!!” Angry McArgue exploded!

“And I reckon SHE’S BEATIN’ ME!!” Billy Hills concluded. Prinny Laharl leaped above Billy Hills. Etna threw her spear into the heavens. The Priny King held out his machetes. Pringer X used his magical antennae in order to charge up some electricity and summon two twin globes of plasma.

 

“Oh, and I forgot to mention,” Yuki remembered, “Pringer X gains 500 Attack Points for each other Prinny on the field.”

“… I reckon…” (Pringer X: 5000 Attack Points)Pringer X tossed his plasma orbs. Etna summoned a massive replacement spear from the sky above Billy Hill’s head. The Prinny King copied Hero Prinny’s attack, but it was done doubly well. Lastly, Prinny Laharl was original for a Prinny as threw a barrage of fireballs at his master’s enemy. All of the attacks connected simultaneously.

 

(Billy Hills: -10200 Life Points, Game Over) “………..reckon……..”

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 30: Many More Duels on Duel Island]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 30: Many More Duels on Duel Island

 

Billy Hills was lying, face-down, in a duel-made crater, smoldering and somewhat deep into the crustial layer of the earth. “Uuuugh… I reckon…” he groaned.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” laughed Yuki, brandishing her finely-manicured nails like talons! “NOW YOU KNOW THE AWESOME POWER OF YUKI JUDAI!!”

“… That’s her name?” Syrus supposed. “Oh wait. BILLY!!” He, Bastion and Nancy surrounded their fallen comrade and passed on their support.

“Is you alright?” asked Nancy Wut.

“I… I… reckon…” Billy Hills passed out peacefully.

“How DARE you duel him so hard he died!!” Bastion shouted!

“I’m not dead, I reckon!” Billy Hills passed out again.

“That’s Yuki’s true power,” Misa Wabastion giggled. “You guys can’t beat her now! She’s a dueling monster!”

“She’ll eat you alive! With Prinnies!” Alex Road added, adjusting his glasses.

“Ahem,” Yuki coughed, regaining her original composure, “who’s next?”

 

MEANWHILE!!

“So, like I just said a few seconds ago, it’s time to activate my ‘Ultimate Draw Engine’, so important that it must be capitalized!” Pyrus reminded.

“Well—aw, you’re right.” Pyrus activated three cards at the same time! One Spell and two Traps appeared! “I activate Black Arms, 100 Arms and Arms Recovery!” The Spell had a black hexagon (kakugane) with a cool blue flashy background, the first Trap had a bunch of hexagons (kakugane) in a neat formation, and the second had a regular, white hexagon (Kakugane) with a flashy YELLOW background! “My 100 Arms Trap decrees that whenever I discard a card, I can draw a new one, and Arms Recovery lets me place one card in my Graveyard into my deck every time, too!”

 

That IS a perfect draw engine! Chazz thought! She’ll never run out of cards while cycling through her own deck! That’s smart; I’d better be more careful from here on out.

“In addition, Black Arms is an Equip Spell card that lets me discard any number of cards in my hand,” Pyrus continued, “and then my equipped monster gains 500 Attack Points for each card!” Chazz gulped and looked at Gaia, who looked at him in return.

“Are… we screwed?” Gaia asked.

“Alright, Bright Lancer!” Pyrus sent her entire hand of four cards back into her deck, shuffled it, and drew them again. One of her cards was a creepy butterfly-related man in odd clothing. Bright Lancer held out the hexagon featured in the card as the card hologram disappeared. Bright Lancer held it against his chest and it fused to him! His light skin quickly darkened into an intense crimson! (Bright Lancer: 4400 Attack Points) Bright Lancer Kazuki’s shirt exploded from trying to contain so much energy, of course.

 

“Don’t worry, he won’t get ALL the glory of killing you!” Pyrus promised. “I summon Alchemy Arms – Gunpowder Wings!” The creepy butterfly man appeared. A bunch of gunpowder appeared behind him in the shape of a monarch butterfly’s wings, semi-ignited so as to let him FLY THROUGH JET PROPULSION!! (Gunpowder Wings: 1600 Attack Points)

“It’s Papillon Mask!!” Chazz recognized!

“… Gunpowder Wings. Well, Bright Lancer… DESTROY GAIA!! SUNLIGHT HEART PLUS!!” Bright Lancer held out his lance in a cool fashion, automatically getting it enough coolness points to level up into a thinner, sleeker, stabbier model. (Bright Lancer: 4400 Attack Points) “Now attack, with Sunlight Heart Plus!” Bright Lancer aimed his bright lance at Gaia and focused. His lance emitted a dazzling display of light, and he took off running at an intense speed! (Bright Lancer: 4700 Attack Points, Gaia: 2200 Attack Points)

 

“Negate Attack, activate!” A purple barrier of pure stuff energy appeared and blocked Kazuki’s path! He gave up and came back to Pyrus.

“Way to go,” Zazz half-heartedly supported.

“I’ll end my turn with Gunpowder Wings’ Monster ability!” She discarded a monster card that resembled this guy. “I’ll summon one Gunpowder Token in Defense Mode now.” From the large gunpowder butterfly wings came a small, gunpowder butterfly. A MONARCH BUTTERFLY, THAT IS!!! (Token: 0 Defense Points)

 

“I guess that’s important, but I don’t have TIME to care! I summon Elemental Hero Stratos!” Stratos appeared on Chazz’s field as Pyrus drew her replacement card.

“My gosh, you didn’t even let me draw my card from my two cool card abilities yet!”

“… Okay, then just take your card and let me play.”

“You really suck!”

Okay, so she can draw an unlimited number of cards every turn because of her discarding abilities, technically, plus she keeps refilling her deck at the same time. How should I beat her, if I can’t deck her out? Chazz placed an E-Hero into his hand. Of course; I just have to beat her as fast and as hard as possible before she can roll out anything big! “I’ll add Elemental Hero Prisma into my hand and use Polymerization to combine Stratos and Gaia together!” The two fused together! Gaia became a thinner, greener robot man and gained a cool cape! He was the hero of the desert wastelands! “It’s Hero Great Hurricane, combined from a Wind monster and an Elemental Hero!” (Great Hurricane: 2800 Attack Points, 2200 Defense Points)

 

“Ugh,” grunted Kazuki.

“Ooooh~” Papillon sighed in an unsettling fashion. Both of them crouched onto their knees. (Kazuki: 2200 Attack Points, Papillon: 800 Attack Points)

“What’s…” Pyrus noticed that Great Hurricane’s cool turbine shoulders were spinning like crazy, creating an updraft. “What’s he doing, and why does it make people weaker?!”

“When he’s summoned, Great Hurricane halves the power of all of your monsters! Also I have no idea how that works out.” He placed down another face-down and said, “Attack with Neo Electric Orb!!” Great Hurricane placed his palms together and created a ball of electricity! Don’t ask me about how! It grew to about the size of a basketball and was thrown really hard!

“Not so fast!” Pyrus’ little butterfly token fluttered into the path of the attack and absorbed it! “I can tribute my Token during a Battle Phase to end it immediately.” DAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOO!! How DARE you weaken my tank-ish Bright Lancer?! I’ll KEEL JOO, JOO BASSTAHD!! Pyrus wanted to say. “May I take my turn now, please?” is what she said instead.

“Sure, try it.”

“Alright, then! I discard a Spell card! Then add another card into my deck. And then draw a new card. TO ACTIVATE PAPILLON’S… WAIT, NO, I MEAN GUNPOWDER WINGS!! Eh, I use his ability to kill Great Hurricane!” Papillon, the guy with gunpowder-formed wings, FABULOUSLY waved his arms! Dozens of neat little butterflies grew out of his wings and covered Great Hurricane from head to toe, who now looked uncomfortable.

“YAAAAAGH!!” screamed Great Hurricane, ripping at the butterflies covering his flesh! They simultaneously exploded. Great Hurricane was obliterated to the extreme.

“That was awesome!” Chazz declared. (Chazz: 1200 Life Points) “Never mind. What’s with the damage?”

“Oh, well when that ability’s used, I deal damage to your Life Points equal to half of the destroyed monster’s Defense Points,” Pyrus said. “NOW DO YOU FEAR ME?”

“No! Why would I?”

“THEN DIE!! I MEAN LOSE!! BUT I REALLY MEAN DIE!! BOTH OF YOU, ATTACK!!” Kazuki and Papillon geared up for attack! Why aren’t they called by the correct names anymore? They both started to use their respective attacks as a Negate Attack activated (from Chazz’s side)!

 

“Is that it?”

Zazz shrugged. “I think you’re an idiot for not getting rid of that sooner, Pyrus.”

“I don’t HAVE a card to get rid of it! Just STOP SAYING MEAN THINGS!!” Pyrus sobbed! “Now I’ll just set a card…”

“Pssht. And after all that ‘draw power’ talk. Chazz. Hurry up and kick her butt already.”

“I’m on it,” Chazz stated, drawing an important card. “I use Monster Reborn!” A cool totem of some sort appeared, resurrecting Elemental Hero Ocean! (Ocean: 1500 Attack Points)

“He… he can kill Papillon… oh man, now I’M calling him that...” choked Pyrus, blinking back tears, “b-but Kazuki’ll stop him NEX-NEXT turn!”

 

“He won’t BE here next turn; I use Polymerization!” Chazz held out said card above his head, as if it were important or something! “I combine Ocean with Elemental Hero Lady Heat in order to create—”

“Yeah, Absolute Zero, get on with it!”

“…You’re such a b****, Zazz.”

“And you’re offensive to women.” Absolute Zero appeared! (Absolute Zero: 2500 Attack Points)

Aw no! Pyrus mentally gasped! This is… I need to use this card! NOW!!

“Go! Negative Infinity Degrees!”

“Not so fast! I use the Quick-Play Spell: Exiled Battle!” Pyrus flipped up her face-down, displaying Kazuki spearing an enemy to the moon. TO THE MOOOOOOON!!

“What?! I LOVE that scene!!”

“I do too! This card removes one monster from both sides of the field for two of your turns, and then returns on your End Phase!”

 

“Wait…” Kazuki got his determined look on. “N-n-no, stop!” Kazuki’s lance became filled with power again.

“SUNLIGHT HEART PLUS!!” Kazuki yelled!

“No, Kazuki, stop! You DON’T want to go to the moon!!” Chazz begged!

YAAAAAAAAAH!!” Kazuki smashed his spear square into Absolute Zero’s stomach, pushed it skyward, and took a big leap. He was gone within seconds.

“NO! I had a complex combo I was gonna start setting up… no, wait, not really… well, why’d you get rid of him if Kazuki’s way stronger?” Chazz quizzically asked.

“Well, I don’t want him to die if I beat him, unlike Papillon,” Pyrus informed, pointing to her now-frozen butterfly man, who then broke.

“But that only solves things for two turns. Then when you attack, your Kazuki will STILL die.”

“B-but now I have time to PLAN for that!”

“You’re an idiot, Pyrus,” Zazz reminded.

“Stop saying that!”

“Well, now I can summon Elemental Hero Voltic to the field!” Chazz summoned Elemental Hero Voltic. (Voltic: 1000 Attack Points)

Wait a minute. “Why didn’t you just use him in your fusion summon for Absolute Zero instead of Gaia?”

“… You shut up. Attack, True Voltic Thunder!” Voltic teleported in front of Pyrus, grabbed her face, and shocked her.

“Gyaaaarg!!” she oddly screamed. (Pyrus: 800 Attack Points) His deed done, Voltic simply teleported away.

“And that’s it,” Chazz shrugged. “Go ahead, begin your desperate struggle.”

 

“… Hm. Well, then, Alchemy Arms: Sacred Sword!” Pyrus summoned a cool guy with a sword. (Sacred Sword: 1900 Attack Points) “Kill him!” The steely-eyed boy cut Voltic clean in half with his cool sword. KA-BYOOM!! (Chazz: 300 Life Points) “GIVE UP YET?” offered demonic lil’ Pyrus.

“What are you, stupid? The first player below 500 Life Points almost always wins in this show!” Chazz said, picking at his ear. “It’s basic knowledge; you’ve given me a lock on victory!”

“… : (… >: ( … NEXT TURN, I’M SHUTTING YOU UP.”

“Get’m tiger,” Zazz sighed.

“You aren’t helpful, you know.”

 

“I summon Elemental Hero Prisma in Attack Mode!” Chazz shouted! The cool glassy crystal man appeared to save the day! (Prisma: 1700 Attack Points) “Next I’ll discard Elemental Hero Captain Gold in order to add Skyscraper into my hand!” A cool guy in Bladedge-ish armor fell from the sky, arms crossed, and plunged into the earth with an earth-shattering result! As in buildings sprouted around the field.

“Not that again…”

“Yep. So I’ll play Skyscraper, of course, and activate the Spell Fifth Hope! I’ll be adding Stratos, Voltic, Gaia, Captain Gold and Heat back into my deck to draw three cards, since I have nothing else in my hand!”

“? ?!” Pyrus whimpered in confusion.

Yes, I’m cheating here, Chazz revealed to himself.

“Now I’’ll set one card and KILL THE ALCHEMIST!!” Prisma looked up at the cityscape. It made him TOUGH. (Prisma: 2700 Attack Points) Prisma held out one arm and launched dozens of crystal shards at the teen warrior’s face. He EXPLODED!! Not. He held his sword out and blocked all of his foe’s attack-shards!

Now what?” Chazz groaned.

“By discarding a Spell card I can negate damage against him,” Pyrus explained, adding her random card back into her deck and replacing it as Sacred Sword exploded. Woah! She drew Alchemy Arms – Gravity Clash! Just in time!

“I’ll just set another card and end my turn, then.”

 

“Good! Because this is the end!” Pyrus shouted! “I’m going to attack you directly and win! Maybe I won’t be able to summon my trump card, but I can still wipe you out! I summon Alchemy Arms – Angel’s Arrow!” A nicely-dressed girl with a weirdo robot buddy appeared. (Angel’s Arrow: 1200 Attack Points) “And I just love her special ability!” Pyrus exchanged another card in her hand. “I can discard a card in my hand in order to destroy one card on the field.”

“But I need Prisma in order to destroy your monster next turn,” Chazz said.

“I don’t care!”

“But what if my Trap card here is really important?” Chazz suggested. “It could make you lose if you don’t get rid of it.”

“…HEEEEEY, YOU’RE TRYING TO TRICK ME!!” Pyrus realized!

“Well, if that won’t work,” Chazz trailed off, cracking his knuckles, “… then I’ll have to savagely beat you up after you destroy Prisma.”

“H-huh?! What?” Pyrus shuddered. “B… but… I’M SUPPOSED TO KILL YOU FOR YOUR INSOLENCE, FOOL!!”

 

Chazz’s eyes said that he wasn’t kidding. “I’m serious. Think I’m not? You seem to have the build of a six year-old.” Chazz took out a photo of himself, when he was much younger, somewhat bruised and dressed as a boxer, while Crowler held up a large trophy without much enthusiasm. “When I was six, I won the ‘Super Japanese Super Junior Boxing Championship’. I was known for my ‘left arm of the devil’ 1-hit KO move. I believe it was even created into the ‘Super Junior Confrontation’ Trap card. ”

“Eh…”

“Actually, I gave three kids a concussion, and put a distressed father into a coma.”

“…Eh… eh… heh… um…” Pyrus was now sweating and shivering uncontrollably. “I… I’ll just destroy the Trap card…”

“Why thank you, it was Hero Medal, so now I can shuffle this card back into my deck and draw a card. I have no idea why Jaden put that card in here, though, because it’s usually useless.”

Just like YOU!” Hallucinatory-Jaden winked.

Chazz drew his NEW CARD smugly. “Perfect.” THANK YOU FOR BEING A COPY OF THAT STUID COWARD SYRUS!!

That was… too scary… Pyrus whimpered.

That was stupid, Zazz thought.

 

“Okay, I’ll set a card face-down and have Prisma attack with Shiny Blast!” Prisma absorbed the powers of the now-setting sun and fired it out as a high-powered blast at Angel’s Arrow! She ‘sploded. (Pyrus: 300 Life Points)

“Urgh!” Pyrus grunted.

“Neck n’ neck now,” Chazz chuckled.

“Well y’know what?”

“What, Pyrus? What should I know?”

“Exiled Battle ends now.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?! I forgot.”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” Kazuki smashed Absolute Zero back onto Earth from above with a satisfying ‘smack’ sound! (Kazuki: 4400 Attack Points, Absolut Zero: 2500 Attack Points)

“And next, thanks to the secondary effect of Exiled Battle, I can Special Summon one ‘Alchemy Arms’ monster from my deck, and I’ll choose Metal Skin!” A man in a… mysterious… uniform appeared. (Metal Skin: 2000 Attack Points, 2000 Defense Points)

“What’s he gonna do, yell ‘BRAVO’?” Chazz oddly joked. But seriously, it’s Captain Bravo. That can’t be good…

Actually, she could win right now, if she’s not a complete idiot, Zazz thought, stifling a chuckle.

 

“I’ll cast Monster Reborn to revive Executioner’s Blade!” Pyrus announced, as that Tokiko girl appeared. “Lastly I’ll tribute all three of my monsters to Special Summon my final, strongest monster: Alchemy Arms – Gravity Clash!” All three guys faded away in a whirl of yellow sparkles, replaced by a large, crimson man with soulless eyes, flowing hair, and one hell of an axe. (Gravity Clash: 2700 Attack Points)

“No way! Is that Victor Powered?” Chazz asked!

(Victor Powered: 2700 Attack Points)

“Um… yeah… ehem. I’m beating you this turn.” Pyrus took a deep breath. “THIS IS MY ULTIMATE MONSTER!! GRAVITY CLASH, THE STRONGEST OF THE ALCHEMY ARMS ARMY!! AND WITH HIM, I SHALL GRANT YOU THE MOST HUMILIATING DEFEAT IMAGINABLE!!”

“Okay,” Chazz said.

“… He can gain 100 Attack Points for whenever I send a card to the Graveyard, including when I summon him, and when he attacks a monster, it’s forced into Defense Mode, then still deals Battle Damage, which is then doubled. Why aren’t you freaked out or anything?”

“Because it’s just a card game, y’know,” Chazz said. “I mean, it’s cool because it’s Buso Renkin, but beyond that, I don’t care much.

“If it’s just a game, then why did you cheat so much?” Zazz asked.

“Ch-CHEATING?!”

“Pyrus shut up.”

“Okay. Anyways attack him now!! FATAL ATTRACTION!!” The red guy held up his axe and threw it . It just floated above Prisma, like it was on the moon or something. Then it began spinning around until it was just a blur, and shot out sparks in all directions! It was making the gravity around itself and Prisma change! Prisma was forced onto the ground, face-first, and started cracking under the intense pressue! Finally, after what had seemed like an eternity, Victor warped above Prisma, grabbed the axe, and smashed open his head.

(Chazz: 4100 Life Points)

“… You’ve got to be shitting me,” Pyrus groaned.

 

“And THAT’S why I was so calm,” Chazz smugly explained, pointing at his newly-activated Rainbow Life Trap Caaaaaard!!! “I just discarded Elemental Hero Flash and got to reverse all that glorious damage.”

“… I… I…” Pyrus stuttered, shaking uncontrollably, “I… end my… turn…”

 

"DRAW!!" Chazz shouted! He drew Miracle Fusion! “I play Miracle Fusion!” The silhouettes of Ocean and Woodsman appeared and combined into Terra Firma! (Terra Firma: 2500 Attack Points) Terra Firma looked upon Victor Powered with extreme prejudice. “NOW I’ll show you the ONLY reason why people should PLAY this monster! I tribute Absolute Zero to add his power to Terra Firma’s!” Terra Firma absorbed Absolute Zero and became some sort of blue color! (Terra Firma: 5000 Attack Points) He pointed one finger at Victor.

“DIE NOW, EVIL,” he ordered sternly. Victor immediately froze and exploded into icy chunks.

NOOOOOOOO!!” Pyrus cried! “DON’T DO IT!!

“TERRA FIRMA, RIP HER A NEW ASS!!”

 

Terra Firma nodded. He put both hands around the gem on his chest. It gleamed and fired an amazing ray at Pyrus, strong enough to literally freeze the jungle behind her! “GYAAAAH, IT’S SO COOOOLD!!” She exploded. (Pyrus: -400 Life Points)

“FINALLY!!” Chazz roared! “NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?!”

“W… waaaaaah…” Pyrus sobbed.

“Wow, you cry when you lose?” Chazz asked, surprised.

“N-no, I fell on my leg the wrong way…” She showed off her leg, which was bent in a freakish fashion.

“… Oh.”

RAAAARG!!” Huffy Chumlington burst out of the trees!

“WHA?!” She grabbed Chazz (WOAH!!), Pyrus (WAAAH!!) and Zazz (NOT ME, IDIOT!!) in a flash and ran off!

 

She took off through the trees. She ran past the beach. She leaped over the waterfall. She ran past a tiger with a cigarette, who looked quite content with her smoking. She stopped by the clearing, full of crushed log and duelists. “AAAAHH!! FEMALE KOALA KO ALA!!” Huffy stopped and dropped the three guys on the ground.

“REALLY?! WH-WHERE?!” Huffy asked, terrified.

“What was all THAT for—OH CRAP, BILLY!!” Chazz screamed, heading over to the still-smoking crater where Billy Hills epically lost.

“I reckon I got beat… by a girl Jaden, yeah,” Billy Hills admitted. “Also I’m okay, I reckon.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Aren’t you gonna say something else?” Angry McArgue asked.

“Whadda ya’ mean?”

“Your FRIEND is in a CRATER, and you’re supposed to nurture him and stuff!”

“What are you TALKING about?! Are you crazy, Angry?!”

“No! YOU are!”

“My gosh, you’re so mean! I can’t understand how Alexis and Nancy can even STAND you! Alexis deserves better! You should go kill yourself, because nobody likes you!”

“What I can’t see is how Billy and Dobbson follow YOU around blindly! You ALWAYS tell people to kill themselves! Doesn’t it get old?”

They both stared at each other for a minute. “You’re right,” they agreed, shaking hands. They smiled and instantly changed their respective outlooks on life.

 

“Uh, Angry,” Yuki reminded, “aren’t you going to duel Alex?”

“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me.”

“WHY AM I OVER THERE?!” Syrus cried, pointing to Pyrus, lying on the ground and foaming at the mouth.

“I dunno, but I reckon I’m okay now,” Billy Hills said, standing up again.

“Hey, you really ARE okay,” Chazz said, somewhat relieved. “Who else is left to duel, though?”

“Just the guy Angry’s dueling and Yuki,” Misa helpfully told him.

“Oh, okay. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL SO WE CAN GET OFF THIS STINKIN’ ISLAND ALREADY!!” Chazz challenged!

“No I’m dueling after Alex duels Angry so no” Yuki said.

“Aw, come on!”

“No, we need to pad this filler out some,” Angry McArgue said.

“Anyways, can we get this duel over with?” Alex rushed, adjusting his specs.

“Eh, sure,” Angry McArgue supposed, strappin’ on her Duel Disk.

She seems so much more… pleasant now, somehow! Alex thought, confused. Does character development actually work that way?

 

“DUEL!!” (Angry McArgue: 400 Life Points, Alex Road: 4000 Life Points)

“DO IT, MAN!” Misa cheered.

“Bwwaaaaaaaah,” Huffy yawned.

“My leg’s STILL injured!” Pyrus cried!

“AHH!! GIRL ME!!” Syrus cried, still confused.

Anyways, Alex decided, I’ve got to do this right. I can’t let Chazz duel Yuki now that Pyrus epically failed at her only job! What the hell was she even doing?! Anyways, he’s the only good member of the team left. This girl’s obviously going to lose, so I only need to worry about him.

“I’ll set three cards face-down,” Angry McArgue said, “and I’ll summon Quillbolt Hedgehog in Defense Mode!’ A cute hedgehog with screws forcefully screwed into its back appeared. “Nyum nyum nyum,” it chewed, bleeding. (Quillbolt Hedgehog: 800 Defense Points)

 

“I summon Sonic From Brawl!!” Alex shouted!

“C’mon, step it up!” Sonic urged. (SFB: 1900 Attack Points)

“No, I use Bottomless Trap Hole!” A hole appeared under Sonic’s feet.

“WOOOOOOOOOooooooooah…” he screamed, falling. Soon there was an explosion sound effect and some smoke rising from the hole. “Hey, there IS a bottom!”

“Now he’s removed from play for the rest of the game, so now your Spells and Traps are useless!” Angry McArgue informed.

“Damn, you’re right! How’d you know I’d have this type of deck?!” Alex ordered!

“You have the watch.” Alex hid the Sonic the Hedgehg watch he was wearing. “Now it’s my turn again, right?”

“R… right.”

 

“Good! I’ll activate Mass Driver!” A large cannon appeared on the field. With it, I’m allowed to tribute a monster and inflict 400 damage to your Life Points whenever I want to.”

“Okay,” Alex shrugged.

“Next I summon Black Salvo!” A small bomb with a mean face appeared. (Black Salvo: 100 Attack Points, Tuner)

“What’s up with all the Tuner monsters we’ve seen so far?” Bastion asked.

“You’ve only seen like two, and they won’t even catch on for several more years,” Syrus sy-ed.

“Next I’ll activate Quillbolt Hedgehog’s effect: when I control a Tuner monster, I can Special Summon it from the Graveyard!” Angry McArgue announced! The cool, injured ‘hog appeared out of nowhere!

“Nyum nyum.” It bled more. (Quillbolt Hedgehog: 800 Defense Points)

“The only drawback is that when killed again, it gets removed from play like Sonic,” Angry McArgue explained, “but now after I activate my Trap card: Imperial Iron Wall!” Her Trap flipped up! It had a city enclosed within a big metal shell, which apparently the king thought was badass. “Now no cards can be removed from play, like, ever!”

“THAT MOVE IS SO AWESOOOOOOOME!!” Bastion and Misa screamed in unison, complete with exploding heads.

 

“Okay, Quillbolt, FIRE!!” The monster, under the influence of the Mass Driver cannon, transformed into a white ball of energy and flew at Alex.

“UWA!!” he screamed! (Alex: 3600 Life Points) “W-wait, no, stop, I surrender—”

“FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREEEE!!”

“GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” And thus, the Hedgehog fired repeatedly, creating an infinite loop of giant hedgehog explosions in Alex’s face. It lasted for a very successful and hilarious hour. (Alex: -Infinity Life Points, Game Over) “Q… qu… quack?” Alex sputtered, battered and beaten within the inch of his life, covered in large, swollen welts all along his body. He fell over.

“Now THAT was satisfying!”

“Tell me why SHE’S not the star of the show?” Syrus demanded, amazed.

“Because then Mad McAngryman would be taking my place, and we ALL know we can’t handle that!” Yuki exposed! “Now, let me duel you, Angry! I’m tired and I want to go home!” She smashed her Duel Disk onto her arm in a cool fashion.

 

“Now we all know that I wanna go home more than YOU!” Chazz revealed! “Yo, Angry, what’s the Scouter say on her power level?”

“She has quick Special Summoning tactics and has a Ritual monster who negates non-Field Spells and Traps,” Angry McArgue said.

“Okay, I’ll take her out.”

“Ugh,” Nancy Wut sighed.

“What’s up, I reckon?” Billy Hills asked.

“She’s doing the kind of thing that I usually seem like I’m supposed to do. I like the abusive Angry more.”

“Oh, well sorry about that, I reckon,” Billy Hills consoled, confused.

And so, Chazz and Angry McArgue, suddenly friends now, hi-fived as the boy strode out to battle. “I’m ready Yuki, for you and your cheap tactics! Yeah, I know Pyrus and Zazz were sent just to beat me with knowledge of my deck and its contents! They tried to use cards that kill off Level-based cards, and I suppose that you had somebody specifically for beating Bastion, right?”

“Yeah,” Alex confessed, slightly responsive.

“And so everybody else was just filler, right? That means that your plan failed, you needed me gone, and you’re unprepared due to my intense dueling skills!!”

“Not so,” Yuki said, “I really just got them in here because I didn’t want to waste too much time at this place.”

“You cheeky b****.”

“That’s offensive!” Nancy Wut shouted!

“Oh, well sorry. You cheeky jerk!” Chazz substituted.

“It’s true, I’ve got enough strength to beat you AND that Jaden rip-off kid in one turn!”

“I reckon she’s right!”

“Well, if you try beating me in one turn,” Chazz boasted, “I’ll counter you in just HALF a turn!”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“DUEL!!” they yelled! (Chazz: 4000 Life Points, Yuki: 4000 Life Points)

“GET YOUR DUEL ON!!”

 

Current standings:

 

Chazz Princeton: Active

Nancy Wut: Loss, Alex Road

Angry McArgue: Active

Syrus Truesdale: Tie, Misa Wabastion

Bastion Misawa: Loss, Alex Road

Billy Hills: Loss, Yuki Judai

 

Zazz Princesston: Loss, Chazz Princeton

Alex Road: Loss, Angry McArgue

Misa Wabastion: Tie, Syrus Truesdale

Pyrus Puesdale: Loss, Chazz Princeton, though he cheated and stuff a bit, but that’s okay since she’s a psychopath

Huffy Chumlington: Loss, Angry McArgue

Yuki Judai: Active

 

“What kinda catch-phrase is THAT?! And besides, how did you know we would come, anyways?”

"Well, we made educated guesses, judging by how the show goes."

"Makes sense."

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 31: One More Duel on Duel Island]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 31: One More Duel on Duel Island

 

It was four o’clock on a deserted rainforest island. The two enemy groups had completely assembled together. And it was time for the final game that would DECIDE IT ALL. Unless, y’know, Chazz loses.

“DUEL!!” (Yuki: 4000 Life Points, Chazz: 4000 Life Points)

“Get your duel on, man!” Yuki shouted!

“What kind of catchphrase is THAT?!?!” Chazz asked insultingly.

“Come on, Chazz, don’t let it get to you!” Syrus said.

“Let it get to ’im, girl!” cheered Misa.

 

“Hm.” Chazz drew his opening hand: Skyscraper, Heat, Ocean, A Hero Emerges, and Woodsman. Okay, but I could do better.

“Heh,” Yuki chuckled, satisfied with what she saw: Laharl Dies, Prinny Laharl, Pringer X, Prinny Squad!! and Prinny Kurtis. Then she drew a Field Spell! “I play the Field Spell; Red Moon!” The area turned cool and dark. A large pinkish moon hung above the kids’ heads as several small spheres rose from the earth and into the sky.

“What’s with the small ball things, I reckon they’re creepy,” Billy Hills shuddered.

“They’re Prinny souls,” Yuki explained. “Whenever a Prinny is sent to the Graveyard I can place one Soul Token on Red Moon. Then I can remove three to summon a Prinny from my Graveyard and draw a card.”

This means trouble, Chazz thought.

 

“I’ll begin now by activating the Spell card Prinny Squad!!” Three Prinnies appeared!

“DOOD!”

“DOOD!”

“DOOD!” (Pvt. Prinnies: 1300 Attack Points) The three Prinnies jumped out together from the earth.

“Then I’ll send them all to the Graveyard to activate my Ritual Spell: Laharl Dies!” Yuki announced! The three Prinnies blew up.

“Discarding three already?” Angry McArgue gasped. “She’s got something planned!” Three soul spheres appeared upon the moon as the evil Prinny demon prince appeared with an evil cackle!

“HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!” he cackled. (Prinny Laharl: 2500 Attack Points)

“As long as Laharl’s on the field, all Spells and Traps, other than Field Spells, are negated,” Yuki told, “so don’t go expecting an easy comeback.”

“Yeah yeah, say that again after he’s dead,” Chazz shrugged.

“Next I’ll summon Prinny Kurtis to the field, man!” Yuki said, as a green Prinny with a hooked beak and innate sense of justice pirouetted onto the scene!

“Hmph,” he said in a cool fashion. (Kurtis: 2000 Attack Points)

“Another strong monster on the first turn?!” Syrus realized! “NOBODY starts out like THIS!!”

“Except me!” Yuki chimed in.

“Look out, Chazz!”

“Shut up,” Zazz said, “A LOT of people start out like that!”

“Oh.”

 

“Sure, he’s tough, but he won’t stay for long, man!” Yuki went on. “I’ll tribute him to draw two cards with his effect!”

“HA!” Kurtis’ two flippers became mechanical arms! He combined his fists together, which made them rotate, until they finally became a ROCKET PUNCH as they flew off, smacking two cards out from Yuki’s deck!

“SMACK!” went the two cards. Then Kurtis simply faded away into a golden sparkly mist…

“Let’s see here,” inspected Yuki as a fourth Soul Token appeared on the moon. She’d drawn Prinny Toss and Prinny Bomb. “I’ll re-summon him now.”

“Damn, she’s got HAND ADVANTAGE goin’ on!!” Bastion cried!

“If she’s as bad with it as Pyrus, then I don’t think I need to worry,” Chazz sighed.

“Hey!!” Pyrus yelled, applying a leg cast. Three of the Soul Tokens disappeared, allowing Kurtis to be reincarnated by the rays of the moon!

“Justice NEVER dies!” Kurtis assured.

“Mm-hm,” Yuki half-heartedly agreed, drawing Evil Prinny Beauty Tyrant – Etna. “Please do that thing again.” Kurtis punched the deck. “Thanks!” She drew two more cards. “And that’s it,” she decided, looking up at the two remaining Soul Tokens lying overhead.

 

“I’ll set a face-down then,” Chazz said decisively, “and I’ll summon Elemental Hero Heat!” Heat appeared. (Heat: 1600 -> 1800 Attack Points)

“What’s with the power boost, man?”

“So you say ‘man’ while Jaden says ‘yo’, I get it already. My Elemental Hero Heat gains 200 Attack Points for every E-Hero on the field, including himself. But I’m not done yet, girl.”

“I know what’s coming,” Syrus anticipated.

“Kill ‘dat monster ‘dat killed me, I reckon!!”Billy Hills cheered!

“Go, Skyscraper!!” Buildings suddenly bloomed in the jungle, smashing the moon like a mirror. The souls exploded in a firey ball of rage.

“Crap!” Yuki cursed.

“Yeah, you’re not the ONLY one who likes loopholes!” Chazz said, being awesome! “Heat, dethrone that sucker!”

“That’s a bad joke, you know!” But Heat still punched Prinny Laharl. (Heat: 2800 Attack Points, Laharl: 2500 Attack Points) “Don’t assume for a second that you’ve hindered me for a second, man,” Yuki warned, as Laharl exploded.

“AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” Laharl cried! (Yuki: 3700 Life Points)

“That’s true, I reckon she’s still got sum’ SECRET WEAPONS,” Billy Hills agreed.

“Hmph. Then show me!”

 

“I will, then! Come on out, Big Sis Prinny!” A lovable pink Prinny appeared.

“Um… dood?” she guessed. (BSP: 1900 Attack Points)

“It’s pink and has 100 more Attack Points than Heat, but how’s that going to help?” Chazz asked.

“But she’s cute!” Alex said! Everyone stared at him. “…What?”

“STAY knocked out!” Angry McArgue yelled, smashing his face in. He was knocked out for good this time.

“What kinda character development did YOU go through?” heckled Zazz.

“Oh yeah, the development…”

“Now that you’re done commenting, I’ll kill your Elemental Hero! Big Sis, use your Pink Blades of Doom!” Big Sis Prinny nodded, taking out two pink machetes. She tossed them and they spun around like disks! They cut through Heat’s stomach, then continued to fly behind him and turn until they settled themselves inside Heat’s skull.

“Hmph,” Chazz groaned. Heat’s cadaver exploded. (Chazz: 3900 Life Points) “Well, at least now I can use my Trap card! A Hero Emerges!” The zombie superhero card was BACK! Chazz held out his four-card hand. “Pick a card. If it’s a monster, I can summon it.”

“I choose that one,” Yuki said, pointing to a card!

“Thank you for choosing Woodsman!” Chazz thanked, placing his card on his Duel Disk. Elemental Hero Woodsman appeared!

“YOSH!!” (Woodsman: 2000 Defense Points)

“Well then, I’ll set two face-down cards and end my turn, man.” Yuki set two cards. “Go ahead!”

 

“DRAW!” announced Chazz.

“Stop saying that!” Pyrus and Syrus cried.

“Shut up, Syrus!”

“Yeah, shut up, Pyrus!”

“Waaaaah…”

“Now that I’ve drawn him, I’ll summon Elemental Hero Stratos!” The better answer to Avian appeared, loud, proud, and… oud! (Stratos: 1800 Attack Points) “Now I’ll add Elemental Hero Prisma into my hand from my deck!” Chazz announced, gettin’ his card. “And while I’m at it, I’ll get my Polymerization thanks to Woodsman.”

“I GOT IT!!” Woodsman promised, tossing Chazz a Polymerization.

“Thanks, Woodsman!”

“NO!! PROBLEM!!”

“Eh, whatever you say. Now combine, Ocean and Voltic!” Chazz commanded! The two heroes combined together in a boring swirling pattern to create… “Elemental Hero: Absolute Zero!!” And the icy knight appeared, condensing any and all nearby oxygen! (Absolute Zero: 2500 Attack Points)

“Wow, he’s cool, I reckon both figuratively AND literally!” Billy Hills marveled!

“But Bladedge’s better,” Syrus said with a glint in his eye.

 

“Now, Woodsman!” Chazz commanded! “Attack, Deadly Seed!”

“GOT EET!!” Woodsman complied, with his funny accent.

“He’s funny,” Misa and Bastion giggled.

“Would YOU like it if someone made fun of YOUR collective accents?” Chazz retorted.

“… But… my hand was bitten off…”

“GROSS!!” gagged Woodsman, throwing a watermelon seed at Big Sis Prinny. (Woodsman: 2000 Attack Points)

“I activate Prinny Bomb!” Yuki countered! Her first Trap of the game featured a Priny holding a bomb. Big Sis Prinny took out a big, pink bomb with her flippers (I don’t know where from) and used it to deflect Woodsman’s seed! Then she hurled the explosive at her attacker, ‘sploding on him.

“OH NO!!” Woodsman shrieked! (Chazz: 3400 Life Points)

“What’s going on now?” Chazz asked.

“Prinny Bomb negates one of your attacks against a Prinny,” Zazz said, “and then you lose Life Points equal to half of his original Attack, man.”

“Well, Absolute Zero hasn’t attacked yet!” Chazz shouted! “Negative Infnity Degr—”

“No! Trap, activate, Prinny Toss!” Yuki’s second Tap featured a Prinny hitting someone’s face and blowing up! “I can tribute a Prinny monster on my side of the field to destroy two of your cards.” Big Sis Prinny walked up to Yuki, who lifted her up and tossed her at Woodsman and Absolute Zero! “And in addition, I gain 700 Life Points when Big Sis Prinny leaves the field!” The Prinny hit Absolute Zero, causing a large enough explosion to wipe out both hero monsters!

“NOOOOOO!!” Woodsman screamed! (Yuki: 4400 Life Points)

Come on, I can’t set anything, and all I control is Skyscraper! Chazz thought.

“Chazz, watch out, I reckon!” Billy Hills warned!

“She’s got’m on ‘da ropes!” Huffy commentated.

 

“Alright then, my turn again!” Yuki drew a card. She smiled at it. “Do you want to know something, Chazz?” she slyly asked with a creepy grin.

“What?”

“Want me to tell you why I became a duelist?” she asked him again, eyes narrowing.

“Why? Because you like card games?” Chazz asked.

“That’s why I duel!” Bastion noted.

“Indeed,” Zazz nodded in agreement.

“I do it because I’d probably get involved with the yakuza in some sort of big scam if I stay at home,” Syrus revealed.

“No… because I’m a hardcore sadist,” Yuki said.

“Um… okay… wait, what?!”

“I used to love inflicting pain upon others physically,” Yuki explained in a suggestive tone, “but I’m too weak by myself and would often be beaten in response. And so I wondered, ‘what can I do to satisfy my own needs and desires?’ The answer in that came from the TV while channel-surfing one day.

 

”AAAAAAAAHH!!” some guy screamed during a professional duel. “GYAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAARRGH!!” He fell to his knees, shaking uncontrollably.

“Eh, what?” Joey Wheeler asked. “I just attacked ‘yas with a Baby Drag’n.” He pointed to his cute dragon baby monster.

 

Yuki liked what she’d seen and heard. If such a small monster can do that to a grown man, she thought, then what can a BIG monster do?

 

“And so, a stranger happened to appear before my family one day,” Yuki continued, “and he gave us the tuition money needed to send me away to boarding school, or The OTHER Japanese Duel Academy. He even gave me this beat-down deck, as cruel as I am! Now I can inflict all the pain I want to, and LEGALLY at that! It’s just so… satisfying…”

“She’s serious,” Bastion realized.

“She’s scaring me now,” Angry McArgue shuddered.

“Gyah, I reckon I feel violated now!” Billy Hills yelped!

“Well, Yuki, that explains a lot,” Zazz said, remembering some very creepy images from her recent past.

“Yes, those with a certain… instinct… can channel their powers into being a better duelist, by discarding any possible weaknesses and stupidity, and turning it all into sheer power…” Yuki monologued. “Well, back to the duel, I’ll summon Prin the Vagabond!” A Prinny with an afro, who nobody seems to post pictures of on the internet appeared, stylin’ like a funky 70’s cop. (Prin: 1700 Attack Points)

“You’re into retro hairstyles now?” Chazz joked.

“Prin, silence that man.”

“Dood,” Prin cried, tossing some throwing knives at Chazz! Why not machetes? Because he’s JUST that cool.

“AAAAAAAHH!!” Chazz screamed.

“What’s up, you don’t usually scream like that in duels,” Angry McArgue asked.

“N-no, it… it…” A knife had become stuck in Chazz’s now-bleeding hand. “GYAAAAAAAAH, WHAT’S HAPPENING?!”

Mmm,” Yuki suggestively moaned with a dreamy look in her eyes (and some drool escaping her mouth). Some sort of purplish-blackish aura began enveloping her. It looked like sewage water, mirroring her true personality.

“She’s using it!” Huffy exclaimed!

“She can’t control herself anymore!” Misa warned! “I’m serious, Chazz, you’re dead now!”

“Ungh… UGH!” Chazz pulled the knife from his hand.

“Chazz, are you alright?” Angry McArgue gasped!

“I reckon this duel’s getting illegally dangerous!” Billy Hills cried!

“What’s… with the aura?” Chazz asked, starting to tire. (Chazz: 2200 Life Points)

“When I get all excited, then… this happens…” Yuki explained.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but it looks pretty occult and danger-related!” Syrus realized! “Chazz, get outta there, you can just throw the match!”

“No, n-no,” Chazz disagreed, “I promised you guys that I’d win, so I’m GOING to win!”

 

“Are you so sure about this?” Yuki asked, tilting her head. “All of our direct attacks have been made real now, so I can listen to your symphony of screams as the duel continues!”

“That’s HORRIBLE!!” Bastion roared, horrified!

“No… it’s beautiful,” Yuki disagreed.

“LEAVE CHAZZ ALONE, I RECKON!!” Billy Hills ordered, charging toward Yuki fist-first! He hit her aura. Somehow, this punished him with a somewhat-strong electrical shock! “AAAAAH RECKIIIIIIIIIN!!” He was blasted back a few feet onto the ground, where he began convulsing slightly.

“NO, BILLY!!” Chazz screamed! Is he okay?!

“Mmm~ yes~ the screaming only makes it better… it excites me…”

 

Yuki took a card out from her deck and set it. “What’re you doing?” Chazz asked, still fearing his friend’s safety as the others crowded around Billy Hills.

“Oh, Prin’s effect lets me add a card from my deck to my hand when he attacks directly,” Yuki stated. “I’ll also use Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Skyscraper.” A sudden, mighty tornado blew away all those cool buildings.

“Crap!” Chazz groaned!

“Now, it’s your turn. Surprise me!”

“No, screw yourself!” Chazz ordered! “Billy’s more important than this piece-o-s*** duel! I quit!”

“What?”

“Billy!” Chazz began running to his friend’s side. “Are you oka—” He smashed into some sort of invisible barrier. “UGH! Wh… what did you DO?!”

“Oh, I forgot to mention, after your friend tried to hit me, I erected a barrier around us with my mind, so that nothing could get in between us… now the only escape for you… is death. Hee hee!”

Okay, now I’m really taking this girl down! Chazz knew. She’s gone too far!

 

“Fine, I’ll play your twisted game for now,” Chazz decided, holding his throbbing hand, “but when I win, I never wanna see your face again! Chazz drew his next card, starting his turn. “I summon Elemental Hero Prisma in Attack Mode!” Prisma appeared. (Prisma: 1700 Attack Points) “Next I’ll use Fifth Hope!” The card appeared, showing off the five-man hero team of legend. “I’ll add Absolute Zero back to my Fusion Deck, and Woodsman, Voltic, Ocean and Stratos into my regular deck to draw two more cards.” He drew two cards and set them. “Then I’ll set the cards and use Prisma’s ability: I can send one Elemental Hero from my deck to the Graveyard to have Prisma count as it in name only for one turn. And I’ll choose Elemental Hero Ice Edge!” Prisma turned into a crystalline version of a short, blue kid with a spiky helmet. “I’ll end my turn here.” Prisma returned to normal.

 

“That was… odd,” Yuki supposed, confused. “Well, let’s kick things off!!

” Her SECOND copy flipped up, summoning her Prinnies from the Graveyard. (Pvt. Prinny: 1300 Attack Points) So far, the only other things on her side of the field were a face-down and Prin the Vagabond, looking much like the other Prinnies, but with a funky afro, if you needed a reminder. “Next I’ll sacrifice one to summon the legendary Pringer X!” One Prinny twirled around at an amazing speed until he transformed into the incredible robo-penguin!

“DOOD,” it said. (Pringer X: 2000 -> 4000 Attack Points)

“He gains 1000 Attack Points for every Prinny on the field, though Prin won’t count thanks to his name,” Yuki explained, licking her lips. “It’s still, however, tough enough to kill you in one shot.” Outside of the INVISIBLE BARRIER, the Duel Academy kids were showing visible fear for Chazz, though it was inaudible, thanks to said INVISIBLE BARRIER.

 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Chazz chuckled.

“Is that funny?” Yuki asked. “Well, then you may enjoy it if I sacrifice a second Private Prinny to summon my Evil Prinny Beauty Tyrant – Etna.” The evil beauty pageant winner picked up the second Prinny and threw it away, smashing him against the barrier. (Etna: 2000 Attack Points)

“Oh, so they made you into a card?”

“That’s a nice idea, but in the meantime, I’m allowed to Special Summon the monster Etna’s Vassal – Hanako from my deck!” A small demon girl with pink hair leaped onto the field next to Etna. (Hanako: 1400 Attack Points, Tuner)

“What’s a Tuner?” Chazz wondered.

“Well, you’ll see in a minute, because sadly Tuners, like Gemini monsters, are widely ignored these days,” Yuki sighed.

“What the hell’s a Gemini monster?!”

 

“Next I’ll equip my third Private Prinny with the Equip Spell, Prinny’s Hero Scarf.” A cool scarf appeared and covered up the Prinny. “Now I can send it to the Graveyard to Special Summon Hero Prinny from my Extra Deck.” The Prinny became cel-shaded and awesome-r!

“Gotta do it, dood!” Hero Prinny saluted. (Hero Prinny: 1900 Attack Points)

“Finished yet?” Chazz asked impatiently.

“No, I’ll use Etna’s effect to Special Summon another Prinny Kurtis from my hand to the field!”

“GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!!” Etna ordered! Kurtis teleported onto the field. Again. (Kurtis: 2000 Attack Points) Pringer X suddenly began to glow. (Pringer X: 4000 -> 5000 Attack Points)

Damn, it just keeps getting stronger!! Chazz internally moaned, tightly grabbing his injured hand.

 

“Aaaand…”

“AW, JUST STOP SUMMONING ALREADY!!” Chazz whined.

“No, I’ll just Tune my Hanako to my Level Four Hero Prinny.” Hanako transformed into three magic green rings, while the Prinny transformed into four magic spheres! They combined… into an older form of Hanako, complete with a cool gun! (Majin Hanako: 2800 Attack Points)

“Wait, what did you just do?” Chazz asked.

“I Synchro Summoned.”

“SYNCHRO Summon?!”

“Yeah, you use a Tuner monster and sacrifice other monsters to equal a certain level so you can summon a Synchro monster from your Extra Deck.”

“You mean Fusion Deck.”

“No, now you can put Sychros AND Fusions in the Fusion Deck, so you can’t call it a Fusion Deck anymore.”

“… This is stupid!”

“Well, it’s going to kill you. And now since Hero Prinny is dead, I can summon another one, giving it 500 extra Attack Points,” Yuki said, as a new Prinny stepped up to the plate and put on the scarf.

“Dood!!” he cheered. (Hero Prinny: 2500 Attack Points)

 

“Let’s see here. Prin. Pringer X. Etna. Hanako. Kurtis. Hero Prinny. That’s fifteen-thousand, nine-hundred Attack Points all together,” Yuki informed. “Oh yes, that means you lose now. Pringer X, eliminate Prisma!”

“DOOD!!” Pringer X summoned a couple balls of electricity and threw them at Prisma!

“FEEL THE PAIN!!” Yuki laughed! “EXCITE ME! SCREAM, SHOUT FOR ME!! WAHAHAHAHA!!”

“I don’t think so! Did I LOOK scared when you were summoning your monsters?” Chazz reminded!

Ugh, he’s right! Yuki remembered! I should’ve expected something was up!

 

“Mirror Gate, activate!” Chazz rhymed! His Trap flipped up, revealing a cool wall made out of mirrors. It made Prisma and Pringer X teleport to each other’s spaces, reversing his attack upon himself in a very confusing way!

“So that’s why you summoned him in Attack Mode…” Yuki realized. (Yuki: 1300 Life Points)

“And I just halved your Life Points!” Chazz laughed! “You FELL for it!”

“Ngh…”

“Face it, you just wasted your best monster! All of that was for NOTHING!!” Chazz mocked! “You’re SUCH an idiot to think you could defeat CHAZZ PRINCETON, the MAIN CHARACTER for this story arc! Wahahahaha!!”

“Grr… watch your mouth, boy.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Chazz disagreed. “Now do you want to keep going with your attacks?” Even if she says yes, Chazz thought, I still have a Threatening Roar set up just for her…

“No…” Yuki pulled out a green stress ball and started squeezing it furiously, trembling with anger. “Give me just another minute, boy. I tribute Kurtis to draw two cards again.” Kurtis smashed her Duel Disk, knocking out two more cards. “Hm. I activate Prinny Raid.” Etna’s spear began glowing a furious crimson color. “Now I can discard a Prinny monster to destroy your monsters as many times as I’d like per turn. I’ll send away 12-Pounder the Prinny to kill off Prisma before you can do anything with him.” Etna pointed her spear at him, summoning a fat black Prinny from the heavens, which looked more like a regular penguin than the others. He hit Prisma like a meteorite, smashing him to pieces! “Finally, I’ll set a card,” she finished, looking at Prin the Vagabond.

“Why didn’t you just do all that sooner?” Chazz asked. “You could’ve gotten rid of Prisma like that and probably beaten me right then and there, if you’d have just sacrificed Kurtis sooner, Perv-Girl!”

What?” Yuki asked, blood vessels popping.

“Yeah, well you COULD have just done this earlier and MAYBE have attacked directly! How simple could I have put it, you idiot?”

“You… you… YOU…” Her stress ball started to make a hissing sound between her fingers and the invisible dome encompassing the duelists started turning into a murky black void, preventing anyone else from seeing them duel any longer. “You’d better WATCH your mouth, little boy,” Yuki growled menacingly, bursting her stress ball with her grip, “you don’t WANT me getting ANGRY with you.”

“What’ll you do,” Chazz asked, slightly uncomfortable with what she was doing now, “cry?”

KILL!!” Yuki pulled out a black whip from behind her back and did what was shown here in the first panel, with the desire to do what was featured in the other two panels to Chazz.

“Woah!!” Like I said, what is UP with this crazy girl?! How is she a girl Jaden? They don’t act the same AT ALL! And WHERE did that whip come from?! Can it FIT in a pocket?! Upon closer inspection, there was a golden Eye of Wdjat in the whip’s base. And why’s it Egyptian?!

“Now LISTEN to me, BOY,” Yuki commended, pulling on her whip. “If you don’t WATCH yourself, I may just SNAP. And then you will DIE, PAINFULLY and SLOWLY for MY SATISFACTION. Hear me?”

“Tch, whatever.” Damn, I did it again! Chazz noticed angrily. I’m too prideful and I can’t keep my damn mouth shut! Why am I like this all the time; it only makes people go bat-crap insane (gotta keep it PG) and try to kill me!

 

That’s it. After today, I’m only yelling at people when they do something to deserve it, instead of when they do something stupid. Wait, didn’t she… she almost killed Billy. Twice, now. Alright, this girl deserves it, one last time. I'll be damned if I let this homicidal maniac go home free.

“You DARE try to overstep my authority? Watch your TONE with me, mister!!” Yuki whipped at Chazz, who simply sidestepped.

“What are you, my mother? You say you’re almighty and control order over everything, eh? You’re the best and smartest person around?” Chazz checked.

“I never said that… but it’s true,” Yuki admitted.

“Well you’re a freaking idiot, then. You couldn’t see what I was planning with Ice Edge earlier?” Chazz recalled, bringing back his weird play to mind. “To win at chess, you gotta think turns ahead of your opponent. Duel Monsters is no different!” Yuki didn’t seem to care so far. “And now, I’m reviving Absolute Zero one more time! I play Miracle Fusion!!”

… S***…” Yuki muttered.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 32: Farewell, Duel Island, Island of Duels]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 32: Farewell, Duel Island, Island of Duels

 

“I play Miracle Fusion!!” Chazz yelled, facing a psychotic sadist female version of Jaden while within her evil purplish shadowy dome of her own creation because of her pure evilness. Also she was carrying a whip with an EYE OF WDJAT on it. Chazz was also being stared down by a lolicon, a cel-shaded penguin demon with a red scarf, an AFROED penguin demon, and a teenaged Synchro girl with ‘tude. And pink hair. (Chazz: 2200 Life Points, Yuki: 2300 Life Points)

“So THAT’S why you discarded Ice Edge back then for no reason!” Yuki realized, taken aback by the discovery!

“Yeah, so now I’ll remove my Prisma and Ice Edge from my Graveyard to Special Summon Elemental Hero Absolute Zero, again!” A few icy pillars suddenly spiked out from the ground, and then exploded open, instantly dropping the temperature a tad. And out from the ice strode Absolute Zero. (Absolute Zero: 2500 -> 3500 Attack Points)

 

“Oh, so my Absolute Zero starts out with a power boost?” Chazz wondered. “I guess that your Prin and Hero Prinny are Water typed, since they’re blue?”

“Ugh, yeah,” Yuki groaned, squeezing her stress ball harder.

“Now eliminate the afro-wearing penguin! Negative Infinity Degrees!!” Absolute Zero crafted a spear out of ice and leaped toward Prin.

“Stop that attack right now,” Yuki ordered. “I activate the Trap card Undercover Prinny.” Her face-down card revealed a scene in a dark alley where Prin was patiently tailing somebody suspicious… Prin the Vagabond instantly became stealthier, and so he leaped over Absolute Zero. “As long as this card is active, my Pin can’t be attacked by anybody.”

“Well, then, I’ll destroy Hero Prinny instead!” Chazz decided. Absolute Zero whirled around and cut the Hero Prinny in half!

DOO-HOO-HOOD!!” he screamed! He exploded, leaving just the scarf. Then a new Hero Prinny stepped up to the plate and put it on. (Yuki: 1200 Life Points)

“Um, let’s go, dood?” (Hero Prinny: 2900 Attack Points)

“And Absolute Zero doesn’t lose a single Attack Point, thanks to the replacement,” Chazz boasted, as Absolute Zero returned to his side of the field. (Absolute Zero: 3500 Attack Points) “It’s gettin’ a lil’ nippy in here, isn’t it? Thanks to Absolute Zero, your loss will be a cold one.”

“What does that even mean?” Yuki asked, confused.

“I don’t care! I’ll end my turn with R – Righteous Justice, in order to get rid of Prinny Raid!” A random explosion destroyed Etna’s spear.

“R!!” the explosion yelled.

“Aw damn it!” Etna cursed.

“And now it’s your turn!” Chazz said, smugly. “Take your best shot! I DARE you to take out Absolute Zero!” And when she does, she’ll be open for a direct attack! A perfect ploy if I’ve ever seen one, Chazz told himself.

 

Yuki squeezed her stress ball to the point at which it started leaking air. “Okay then, that can be arranged! I’ll tribute both Etna and Hanako to Special Summon Prinny God from my hand!” Both of the girls combined into a golden Prinny, which gleamed in the darkness of Yuki’s evil sphere! (Prinny God: 2600 Attack Points)

“So he counts as a Special Summon when you tribute two monsters for him?” Chazz checked. More importantly, why didn’t she tribute Prin or Hero Prinny? Then her Prinny God would have 100 more Attack Points than Absolute Zero…

“Yeah, that’s his ability,” Yuki specified. “But next I’ll summon my last Prinny Kurtis.” Prinny Kurtis was summoned… FOR THE LAST TIME.

 

“No matter what you do now with his draw ability, you STILL can’t knock out Absolute Zero, though,” Chazz informed. “Your strategy fails.”

“Heh heh… hee hee hee hee!” Yuki giggled, looking like a normal girl for just a moment. “SCREW STRATEGY!! I’m going to thoroughly crush you this turn.

“Eh?!” Chazz gasped, due to the sudden burst of bloodthirstiness.

“I tribute my four Prinny monsters to fulfill the summoning costs of my new monster.” The four Prinnies swirled into pure energy and combined into a mysterious seal!

“What’s that for?”

Yuki chanted, “

Prinny Baal!!”

GRUUUUUHR!!” A small Prinny smashed through the seal like glass, with intense smashing action.

“But he’s just another—” Brr. His eyes… The Prinny’s chilling eyes were blood-red and transmitting pure hatred into Chazz’s heart. Even though it was just a hologram. (Prinny Baal: 4000 Attack Points)

“He is NOT just another Prinny,” Yuki said, “he’s evil incarnate reborn into the body of a Prinny! But this isn’t his true form; only a fraction of his power is unleashed at this state. Thus, he can’t inflict any Battle Damage, but I CAN STILL F*** UP YOUR MONSTER.”

“Aaahh! You can’t SAY that word here!”

SHUT UP. BAAL, KILL.”

 

(Absolute Zero: 2500 Attack Points) Baal summoned a large sword out of nowhere. Inside of Absolute Zero’s head. He exploded into a bunch of icy shards sent everywhere, filled with enough velocity to somehow cut into Chazz’s skin! He guarded his face with his arm, leading it to getting filled with sharp, painful ice. “UWAAAAAAGH!!” Chazz wailed! He began furiously pulling out the ice, but he decided against it; it was already melting.

AAAAAHH~ that’s just what I need…” Yuki moaned. But Baal was instantly frozen by a mighty gust of cold wind, which wasn’t too good for her. OR WAS IT…

“B… but at least your monster’s gone, too, thanks to Absolute Zero’s ability. Next turn, it’s all over,” Chazz verified, nursing his injured hand and arm.

“Wrong. It’s over THIS turn.”

“What… what do you mean? What’re you…”

“I’m implying that I’m unlocking the ultimate evolution I told you about three seconds ago.” The seal from Baal’s summoning appeared before them all once more. “DESTROY this seal, UBER PRINNY BAAL!!” (Yuki: 50 Life Points) She cracked her whip at it. It broke, unleashing a Prinny Baal… swathed in an intense battle aura of destruction. “GWUUUUUUUUUUUUHR!!” he roared! (Uber Prinny Baal: 4000 Attack Points)

 

“N-no… NO! How does this work?!” Chazz demanded!

“Simple,” Yuki explained, “did you think I really didn’t know Absolute Zero’s ability? When regular Prinny Baal dies, I can Special Summon his Uber form from my Extra Deck by paying almost all my Life Points. Now THIS form can inflict damage and he also can’t be targeted by card effects. This means that your Trap card down there can’t help you now, and Baal’s about to start flaying you alive, nice and slow. Kinda like a pork roast. Baal… begin the torture.

“GRUUUHR…” Baal accepted. His eyes flashed.

And just as countless small swords (daggers?) had been conjured up around Chazz, he said “I activate Threatening Roar!” Some angry-looking manticore (lion with a man’s body, wings, and a scorpion tail in this case) appeared on Chazz’s side of the field.

“ROOOOOOOOOAR!!” he roared. Then he went away.

“Your Battle Phase is over! Your Baal can’t attack, and I didn’t target him!” Chazz explained. Baal looked uncomfortable and shook a bit from the fear.

“Mmm, fine,” Yuki said, wearing a very uncomfortable grin and slapping down a card, “I’ll play one card face-down. Go ahead.” Some blood shot out of her forehead.

“Um, what happened?”

“Oh a blood vessel just exploded, don’t mind it.”

 

Chazz drew a card called… “Pot of Greed, activate!” Chazz summoned the magical ugly pot and tossed it at the ground. He drew Stratos and Polymerization! “Well, isn’t this perfect? I’ll summon Elemental Hero Stratos!” Stratos appeared from a sudden raging whirlwind of justice! (Stratos: 1800 Attack Points) “Next I’ll add Elemental Hero Knopse into my hand from my deck thanks to his ability, and then I’ll play Polymerization once again!” And so the two combined to create Great Hurricane once more! (Great Hurricane: 2800 Attack Points) “Now show her what makes you so Great!

“RAH!!” Great Hurricane held out his arms, summoning large gales that whipped all around Yuki’s side of the field!

“Gyaaah!” About a quart of blood was pulled out from her small forehead wound. “That doesn’t happen in real life!”

“That’s what you get!” Chazz said, pointing to his stabbed hand and bleeding forearm! “And your Baal’s stats are halved! (UPB: 2000 Attack Points)

“What?! No! That shouldn’t happen!” Yuki believed!

“Great Hurricane doesn’t target with his ability, duh! He affects EVERYBODY!” Chazz stated. “Now pay for your false truths, your perverse ideas and actions, and for knocking my friend into a crater with his own face! I ATTACK WITH GREAT SCYTHE!!”

 

Great Hurricane twisted his torso a bit, held out his arms, whirled around to the right, and produced a large tornado of enough power to lift up Uber Prinny Baal, ripping him into pieces. There was nothing left after a couple seconds. “Well, is this it?” Yuki asked.

“Yes! I just killed your strongest monster, and you’re out of Life Points!” Chazz shouted! “You’ve finally lost! Now let me OUT of this crappy place!”

“Do you expect me to sacrifice so many Life Points without having a second plan? Oh no, you’re SO mistaken: I activated Defense Draw.” Yuki’s Trap card disappeared and allowed her to draw a card.

“Oh come ON!!” Chazz roared, damn tired of this crap. “How many more strongest monsters do you HAVE?!”

“It doesn’t matter. Now may I take my turn, boy?”

“Get on with it.”

“Okay, then!” Yuki cheerfully giggled. “My field is open, allowing me to activate ANOTHER special ability! I’m allowed to Special Summon a specific Six-Star monster from my hand when this happens.

“Which one?”

“ASAGI.” In a flash of light, one stylish hero girl appeared, jammin’ on her air guitar.

“YEAAAAAH!!” (Asagi: 0 Attack Points)

“What’s with the Attack Points?” Chazz asked, smelling something fishy.

“Oh, well she gains 100 Attack Points for every card in my Graveyard,” Yuki said. “Let’s see what we have here, now.” Yuki took out her Graveyard and began scanning it. “In order: Prinny Squad!!, Laharl Dies, Prinny Kurtis, Red Moon, Prinny Laharl, Prinny Bomb, Prinny Toss, Big Sis Prinny, Mystical Space Typhoon, another Prinny Squad!!, Private Prinny, three of them, Etna’s Vassal – Hanako…”

What…

“Hero Prinny, Pringer X, a second Prinny Kurtis, 12-Pounder, another Hero Prinny, Prinny Raid…”

the…

“Evil Prinny Beauty Tyrant – Etna, Majin Hanako, the last Prinny Kurtis, the third Hero Prinny, Prinny’s Hero Scarf, Prin the Vagabond, Undercover Prinny, Prinny God, Prinny Baal, Uber Prinny Baal, and Defense Draw.”

hell…

“That makes thirty-one cards,” Yuki counted.

just happened?!

“Asagi!” Yuki ordered! “Shoot him!”

“Ha ha!” (Asagi: 3100 Attack Points) Asagi pulled out a Prinny-shaped gun and shot Great Hurricane’s head off. He exploded! (Chazz: 1900 Life Points)

“C-crap… Chazz slumped to the ground. “What does it TAKE to keep you down?!”

“Simply put, you can’t,” Yuki said. “There’s no real way to beat somebody like me. But I’ll give you this: only five people have survived up to Asagi before, usually Pringer X beats them. And so, knowing this, prepare to fall to my ULTIMATE MONSTER, ASAGI, THE GUNSLINGER!!”

 

Alright, Chazz thought, I’m staring at some… Asagi was still currently rockin’ out on her imaginary guitar, complete with windmills and jumps. A weird girl controlled by a weirder girl. She has over 3000 Attack. Now it all LITERALLY comes down to this next draw… “HA!” Chazz leaped to his feet and drew his card! It was… Elemental Hero Flash!! Woah! Protoman.EXE?! No, that’s a reference for another time. “Listen lady, now YOU’RE screwed,” Chazz assured.

“Am I?” Yuki challenged.

“Yeah, you are! I summon Elemental Hero Flash!!” A scarfed silent serious crimson hero teleported to the field in a blue beam of light. (Flash: 1500 Attack Points, 1000 Defense Points)

Damn, Yuki realized, if he gets the right card, I could be in some trouble… he could… REALLY… beat Asagi!

 

“I’ll use his ability to remove Stratos, Knopse, and Great Hurricane from my Graveyard in order to reclaim one Spell card!” Chazz shouted! “I’m getting back Miracle Fusion!” The spirits of the three monsters combined into the silhouette of Miracle Fusion!

“No, don’t use it!” Yuki ordered! “Don’t kill Asagi!!”

“I’ll use Miracle Fusion to remove Flash from my field and Absolute Zero from my Graveyard to Fusion Summon Elemental Hero The Shining!” Flash stretched his arms outward, focused… and emitted a brighter light than any previously seen in this duel before!!

“What’s going on?” Angry McArgue asked, noticing the small bit of light leaking through the dome of darkness.

“I haven’t seen any of Yuki’s duels lasting so long,” Misa worried.

“And this hasn’t happened, either,” Zazz added. “What in the world’s going on in there?”

“I hope Chazz’s okay,” Syrus worried, “it’s getting late.” The sun had indeed started to set, and the jungle monsters were starting to crawl out of the jungle. “Oh yeah, whatever happened to Nancy Wut? She hasn’t said anything in forever.”

 

And so, within the dome, Flash had become an amazing man clad in pale-white armor, with some rubies attached to his suit, with one functioning as an eye. There was an incredible ring of light with golden spikes levitating around it. (The Shining: 2600 Attack Points) “Now, The Shining MAY have a copyrighted name that comes from a movie or book, or both,” Chazz said, “but he has one of the BEST Attack-boosting abilities of ALL E-Heroes! He gains 300 Attack Points for ALL E-Heroes removed from play. So instantly, Flash removed three, then he and Absolute Zero went off with Miracle Fusion, and earlier I removed Ice Edge and Prisma. That’s seven monsters, for 2100 Attack Points! Forty-Seven Hundred Attack Points, b****!!” The Shining’s ring began to vibrate with the souls of the lost. It made him STRONG. (The Shining: 4700 Attack Points)

“Oh… oh no…” Yuki whispered, now bathed in sweat.

“HOLY LIGHTSHOCK!!” Chazz commanded! The Shining looked at Asagi and pointed to her. Several hundred thread-like beams of light cut through Asagi’s body from all directions.

“O wow ow ow OW OW OW!!” she screamed! Then the ‘threads’ began tying themselves around Asagi, who was then crushed as they pulled her as tight as possible.

“N-no, how COULD you?!” Yuki cried.

The now-small sphere of light exploded, leaving Asagi, battered, bruised, and burnt on the floor. “Uuuugh…” (Yuki: 50 Life Points)

“…” (Yuki: 50 Life Points) “You…” (Yuki: 50 Life Points) “Don’t tell me you’re still not done,” Chazz begged.

“Of COURSE I’m not done!” Yuki laughed, showing off her diabolical side again! “When Asagi is beaten in battle, all of the damage is reduced to zero, and then she wants her revenge. And that means she has to become my favorite monster from my Extra Deck.” [youtube.com/watch?v=0NqCkLi4zr8]

“Grr… REVEEEEEEEEENGE!!!” Asagi screamed, right on cue, standing up with fire in her eyes and rage painting her face! She started spinning around until she became a blur, emitting confetti for some reason! And then she stopped, now wearing the ULTIMATE WEAPON… the Prinny Suit. “Say hello to the TRUE ultimate monster, the enraged, psychotic gun-slinging lady!” introduced Yuki!

“What’s with her stats THIS time?!”

“Oh, she just gets Attack Points for each card in my Graveyard, too… BUT IT’S DOUBLED THIS TIME.

 

“Y-you’ve gotta be kidding me…” Chazz gulped, unbelieving!

“Keep that look of fear on your face, I love it,” Yuki suggested. “Now, Asagi in my Graveyard makes thirty-two cards. So she has Sixty-Five Hundred Attack Points. I was never really scared about you killing off Asagi, rather I was preparing myself for the second time I’ve ever executed someone in such a manner…”

“… Crap…”

“Hee hee!” Prinny Asagi posed adorably, pulling out her two rapid-fire pistols. (Prinny Asagi: 6500 Attack Points, Twelve Stars)

“Yes, this is one of the very few Level Twelve monsters for one reason: she can also attack once per turn FOR EVERY CARD IN THE GRAVEYARD.”

I’m dead… if she kills The Shining, and then hits me, I’m literally DEAD, full of bullets! Chazz thought, panicked! N-no, no… wait. Did she say ‘Level Twelve’?! He looked at two cards in his hand: Damage Gate and Hand Destruction. Why hadn’t I paid any attention to these cards?! I COULD have used them earlier, but this is the PERFECT opportunity! Deus ex machine to the rescue!

 

“Be proud, boy,” Yuki drooled, “you’re the second person EVER to make it this far. This attack will bring you down to 100 Life Points, and then each successive attack would decrease you to…” She pulled out a pocket calculator and began pressing some buttons. Then she looked back up at him with a sickening grin. “… You’ll have negative 21,124,400 Life Points. You’ll be the biggest loser of all time, ever.” She began breathing heavily and wiping her mouth on her sleeve. “Heh heh heh. Too bad, only a few more turns, and I’d have run out of cards in my deck. But don’t worry, I’ll let you savor each one of my bullets before I shoot the next one into you. And now…” She pointed to Asagi in an epic fashion. “ASAGI!! MAKE HIM SCREAM!!”

 

Prinny Asagi leaped gracefully into the air and fired three bullets at The Shining. They pierced his head, heart and groin (ow x2). His armored body began cracking apart until it broke, releasing a giant burst of light, rivaling the sun! “NO! No… no…” Chazz was finally and utterly defeated. (Chazz: 100 Life Points)

“Alright Asagi,” Yuki sighed contentedly, “let’s start taking this nice and slowly.”

“No, wait,” Chazz stuttered, “I-I active… activate the cards Hand Destruction and Damage Gate.”

“Oh, so we both draw and discard two cards?” Yuki recalled, putting on her swirly glasses for protection. She drew and discarded two cards. “Hm, one card left?” she inspected. “Well, it takes out one of my attacks, but I gain 200 Attack Points. I’m not about to recalculate this, so… ASAGI!! KILL THAT MONSTER!!”

Asagi shot again. There was an explosion through the light. “Okay okay okay,” Chazz cried, “I give up! I give up! Let me go, please!!”

“Shot number THREE!!” Asagi shot again.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” Chazz screamed!

“Oooh, OH!!” Yuki screamed. “Do it again! Shot number four!”

Asagi shot again. “AAAAAHH!! WAAAAAAGH, STOP! NOOOOO!!”

“Oooh!” Yuki clutched her chest! “It’s so… so… SHOOT’M AGAIN!”

Asagi shot him again. “GYAAAAAAAAH!!”

“Oh, oh, oh! I, I feel like I’m going to EXPLODE!! This is even better than the last time…” She licked her lips once over. “Asagi, again! Again! Give me that THRILL!!”

Asagi shot again, and by this time, the flash had grown weaker. “Ow, that hurt.”

“Ooooh… wait, what?” Now it was possible to make out… the form of Elemental Hero Ice Edge?!

“Oh,” Chazz said, “I forgot to mention: when The Shining dies, I can add two of my removed from play monsters into my hand, and then I used a combination of Hand Destruction and Damage Gate to put him in the Graveyard and re-summon him.” (Ice Edge: 900 Defense Points)

 

“THIS IS STUPID!! WHY WON’T HE DIIIIIIIEE?!?!” Yuki raged, seething with anger from the cocktease! She smacked Prinny Asagi with her whip.

“Ow,” she said.

“SHOOT HIM EIGHT MORE TIMES!!” Asagi shot eight more times. Ice Edge got shot, but didn’t flinch. “WHAT AM I DOING WROOOOOONG?!?!?!”

“Simple.” The light was finally receding for real.

“What’s going on?” Syrus wondered, sitting around with all the other bored people. “I… I think I hear something.”

“Is it… dramatic music?” Misa wondered, straining her hearing muscles.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Zazz verified.

“This means that… Chazz… is winning, I reckon!!” Billy Hills reckoned!

 

Ice Edge… was grey-colored, not blue! “This is the MANGA version of Ice Edge, IDIOT!!” Chazz laughed, sticking his tongue out! “He can’t be beaten by a Level Four or higher monster. Look it up! This means that you can’t do ANYTHING! Face it, I’m safe!”

“…” Yuki was speechless. “… Your turn. Have your turn, have your freaking turn. This is the LAST time you’ll be one-upping me this duel.”

Heh heh heh, it worked perfectly! Chazz thought. Now, thanks to Hand Destruction, it’s time for me to unleash the SINGLE-GREATEST card combo in this stupid world! Chazz drew a card. “I play Smashing Ground.”

“…H…huuuh?” POW!! A giant arm fell from the sky and crushed Prinny Asagi into the dirt. She died.

“Ice Edge, attack,” Chazz ordered.

Wait, what… what just happened?! No… I’m not supposed to lose, I’m supposed to summon another Prinny on my final turn and kill Ice Edge before resuming my constant stream of attacks on this boy! Yuki recalled. I can’t lose to this… this… “OWAAAAAH!!” Ice Edge rammed into Yuki’s stomach with his spiky helmet, pushing her so hard that her glasses flew off, and she smashed through her own evil barrier, crushing it into pieces. (Yuki: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“OH SHIP!!” cursed Angry McArgue! “What HAPPENED?!”

“YUKI!!” cried Pyrus! Yuki landed on her back as Ice Edge and the other holograms faded way. Yuki shook like a shaking leaf. “Are you okay?!”

“H… he… HE… YOU CAN’T BEAT ME!!! Yuki roared! She leaped to her feet and began furiously whipping her whip around like a whip! It somehow began cutting up the foliage of the rainforest like some sort of magic blade of stretching!

“MOVE BACK, EVERYONE!!” Chazz warned! As everybody ran, they all got carved in some part of their bodies.

“My arm!” Syrus cried!

“My leg!” Angry McArgue yelped.

“My prosthetic hand!!” Bastion screamed!

“My belleh!!” Huffy yelled.

My gosh, she’s not differentiating from friend or foe anymore! Chazz realized! They all escaped from the designated strike zone and continued to flee.

“I reckon this is HORRIFYIN’!!” Billy Hills cried! “She’s still chasin’ us, I reckon!” And behind them, the continuous harmony of things being destroyed followed.

 

Chazz turned around and headed toward the mayhem. “Go on, escape! She’s not stopping without taking me out!”

“But, I reckon!”

“Chazz, don’t be an idiot!” Syrus sobbed! “Your chances of survival are something like 1%! ONE FREAKING PERCENT!!”

“Fools. As long as I’m the main character…” Chazz ran off. As long as I’m the main character, I’m responsible for all of you guys! And I take my responsibilities seriously!

“GRRRUUUUH…” Yuki growled, spitting clouds of hate-driven smoke from her mouth. In her fist was Alex Road, the only one not to flee, whose chest had been sliced almost to the point of separation into halves. “WHERE ARE YOU…”

“HERE!!” Chazz announced, appearing via flying kick to the face!

“UGH!” Yuki cringed, taking a jump backward and tossing Alex’s corpse at Chazz.

“Dead body?!” Chazz was hit in the stomach by him, spreading blood all over his clothing. “Gross! Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to clean blood out of clothing?!”

“You don’t NEED fresh clothes when you’re DEAD!!” Yuki cracked her whip a few more times, and as Chazz tried to dodge, he made a fatal error: he got hit in the arm.

 

“WAAAGH!!” he said loudly. And as it turned out, there was no silly wound! But there WAS a large orb of darkness around his limb.

“And now when I snap my fingers, I can eliminate this new form of space from existence, taking your arm with it!” Yuki gloated, getting her fingers ready.

“How the HELL can you DO that?!”

“Easy, because of my Shadow Item, but I won’t bother explaining this to a dead man!!” She snapped her fingers as she dropped the whip, thanks to Zazz and Angry McArgue punching her in both cheeks at the same time. “Qw… uwuuuugh…”

“You came to save me?!” Chazz gleefully gasped, as the weird shadow orb thing disappeared by itself.

“Well DUH, why would we leave an idiot like YOU to die?” they both answered simultaneously, flashing Chazz a smile. Suddenly they were both covered in a vomit of blood! “Eugh!”

“Disgusting!” They both tried shaking some of it off.

“Heh heh,” Yuki chuckled, wiping the blood off of her face, “I can’t believe that even YOU, Zazz, would dare stand up to me.”

“Well, how long did you THINK that I was just going to let you bully the entire school into submission?!” Zazz demanded. “How long do you think you can keep crossing the line until somebody snaps?!”

“But I’m ALLOWED to do that because I’m better than you all,” Yuki recalled.

“Wow, you guys ARE nerds if you’ll all let one sadist-b**** control your lives,” Chazz scoffed. “Whoops, sorry, I’m supposed to be nicer now.”

“But now it’s over, Yuki!” Angry McArgue stepped in! “We are TAKING YOU DOWN!!” She raised her fist—only for a SHARK to clamp onto it! “Eh?! WHAT?!”

 

“HAAAAA ha ha ha, you people DIDN’T KNOW that this was the legendary ‘landshark Island’?!” Yuki chortled! “You honestly didn’t realize that from the time you got here?”

“L-landshark?!” the good guys gasped.

“Yeah, this island is known for its walking sharks with lungs. They only come out after dark, and they’re PACK ANIMALS.” Angry McArgue punched the shark off of her, which had two human legs, looking like somebody was just wearing a shark costume and running around, scaring wayward kids. But it was no costume. Neither were the other six that had suddenly walked out from the trees. “Now, you see, I never lose,” Yuki said, “but I’m okay with a tie match instead.”

“YOU MEAN WE’RE GOING TO DIE HERE, EATEN BY LANDSHARKS?!” Zazz screamed! “YOU ARE ONE SERIOUSLY MESSED UP LADY!! Not like I didn’t already know that, though.” And so the sharks steadily advanced, and the kids put on their fightin’ looks, facing death in the sharky face.

“Is this really it?” Chazz asked himself.

 

“Nope!”

“Who the… NANCY WUT?!?!” And lo, Nancy Wut flew in on the helicopter that had crashed on the shady part of the island that afternoon!

“Hai gaiz!!” she waved through the front seat window. “I found the other guy’s helicopter and spent the last hour trying to make it work!”

“Also I’m okay!” the American guy said, sticking his head out, too. “’Turns out I wasn’t PARALYZED, just kinda sore ‘n stuff. And lazy. So yeah.”

“TAKE THIS!!” Nancy Wut began shining the helicopter’s shiny spotlight that wasn’t mentioned prior to this event at the landsharks. They all began making barking noises and backing off.

“Of course, landsharks hate sunlight! And regular light, too!” Chazz reasoned. A rope was lowered from the helicopter.

“Grab onto ‘da rope!” the American captain shouted. And so Chazz, Zazz, and Angry McArgue all leaped onto the dangling rope… AND SO DID YUKI!!

 

“I’M NOT DYING ALONE!!” she promised!

“Oh yeah, I found this, too!” Nancy chucked Marik’s corpse out from the helicopter, smacking Yuki squarely in the face and knocking her lose.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ow,” she screamed, falling on her keys. And so the helicopter quickly fled the scene, heading for Kaibaland Duel Academy once more. The landsharks crawled out from the shadows on their knees again, their white triangular teeth flashing by the light of the moon. “So,” Yuki wondered, covered from head to toe in buckets of blood, “is this REALLY how I’m dying? Aheh heh, HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!” Sorry I failed, Dr. Card, after all you’ve done for me. I’ll try harder next time.

 

And so, Chazz, Zazz and Angry McArgue crawled up the rope into the helicopter. Everybody crowded around them and sat them on the awesome sofa in the back. “Are you kids okay?” asked the American captain.

“Aren’t you flying the helicopter?” Angry McArgue asked.

“Aw, crap,” he cussed, running back to the cockpit.

“Don’t worry, we’re here too,” said Misa Wabastion, pointing to Pyrus and Huffy.

“Nobody cared about THOSE characters,” Syrus sy-ed.

“I agree,” Pyrus agreed.

“But I’ve been losing blood since around the beginning of that duel,” Chazz said, spurting blood everywhere. “Am I gonna be okay?”

“Well yeah, Chazz,” Billy Hills reckoned, “I reckon you’ll survive in THIS kinda story.”

“That’s good,” Bastion said.

“Hey everybody, he just lost consciousness,” Nancy Wut said. “… Should we… do something?”

“I… don’t know,” Zazz shrugged.

“Owm,” Huffy chomped, biting into a random fruit.

 

RESULTS:

 

Chazz Princeton: Active

Nancy Wut: Loss, Alex Road

Angry McArgue: Active

Syrus Truesdale: Tie, Misa Wabastion

Bastion Misawa: Loss, Alex Road

Billy Hills: Loss, Yuki Judai

 

Zazz Princesston: Loss, Chazz Princeton

Alex Road: Loss, Angry McArgue

Misa Wabastion: Tie, Syrus Truesdale

Pyrus Puesdale: Loss, Chazz Princeton

Huffy Chumlington: Loss, Angry McArgue

Yuki Judai: Loss, Chazz Princeton

 

WINNERS: KAIBALAND DUEL ACADEMY

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

And so, at the regular Duel Academy, there was much celebrating as the teachers pulled out the champagne and confetti was thrown around callously. And for some reason, everybody’s injuries were healed! Yay! Except for Bastion’s hand. And Chazz was wrapped like a mummy, to hilarious effect. “HELLO, DUEL ACADEMY!!!” Chancellor Shepherd roared into the microphone in the giant Duel Dome filled with cool kids! “WE HAVE OUR WINNERS!!” The six Kaibaland Duel Academy students were seated in cheap steel folding chairs to his left. As consolation, the four surviving OTHER Japanese Duel Academy students were on the right, seated in wooden chairs. “So, before the festivities begin, we shall do what all of you had been waiting for since the beginning of this filler arc: I will present the winning team with their PRIZE!!”

“WOO-HOO!!” the six guys cheered. Nobody else cared, though; nobody wanted to watch somebody ELSE get something cool, so they moved on to the hundreds of snack tables around the groups.

Shepherd slowly walked up to the six kids with something cool in a golden case of some sort. He opened it up… and gave them their 12-Star ‘Yugi Muto’ cards, with no effect and 9999/9999 stats. “Well… there you go!” Shepherd said, giving the cards to them all.

“… THAT SUCKS!” Nancy Wut shouted, explaining what all those other guys had been thinking, too. They all threw their cards on the floor and dispersed.

“… Well, I thought they were spiffy,” Shepherd sighed, scratching his head.

 

“This blows,” Pyrus grunted, sitting with her peers. Just then, THEIR chancellor, Chancellor Stickman, trudged over to them.

“Well, there’s no use staying here, all the women teachers are ugly,” he sighed sadly. “So, Yuki’s gone forever now?”

“Yeah,” Misa said. “So’s Alex, but nobody cared for him anyhow.”

“GREAT! Who wants to fly the ‘chopper?”

“Me!” Huffy said.

“Aw man!” Zazz whined. “You ALWAYS fly the ‘chopper when Yuki’s not here.”

“YOU flew it once!”

“Yeah, but she WAS here!” They all ran off, in a hurry to leave that crappy school.

 

Meanwhile, all the duelists were meeting up with their friends again. “JADEN! KOALA KO ALA! MANN MCWHATZISFACE!” Syrus cried!

“McOldsmobile!” greeted Mann McOldsmobile, appearing with Syrus’s other friends.

“You guys wouldn’t believe it! There were feminine clones of me, you, and you, Koala, and girl-Jaden was freaky and died!”

“Oh, alright!” Jaden walked past him and up to Chazz, who was peeved. “Yo, Chazz, ha ha! How’d you like mah practical joke, eh?” He poked Chazz with his elbow. “Pretty sneaky, eh?”

“Gimmee back my deck,” Chazz ordered.

“Dah, alright buddy!” Jaden handed him his regular deck. ‘No hard feelin’s, right?” Chazz kicked him in the crotch. “Mother…” Jaden fell over.

“You DID say you’d do that, I reckon,” Billy Hills remembered, thinking back to the first filler.

“Now let’s go see what Dobbson’s doing since he’s not here,” Chazz decided, taking Billy Hills along for the ride.

“BASTION!!” Pigybank screamed! She pointed to Bastion’s stumpy wrist.

“Eh, yeah, my hand was bitten off by a tiger. I like tigers.”

“Oh gosh…” Fluffy Fred fainted.

“CAN WE GET SOME MEDICAL HELP IN HERE?!” Baseball Bob cried.

 

A FEW! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

"So Chazz, can I have that deck I reckon you hated that you used today?" Billy Hills asked his friend as they walked up to their dorm room.

"Eh, sure," Chazz said, handing Billy Hills the plot-important deck of Natural Heroes.

"AW RECKON!!" Billy Hills cheered! Chazz opened the door to his crappy Slifer room Inside, the place was a mess, loud, irritating music was playing, and Deep-Voice Dobbson was dancing oddly with Ojama Yellow, wearing an Ojama Yellow costume. “Hm? Oh, hey Boss!” Ojama Yellow greeted.

“Hey, huh, Chazz, huh, how’d it go?” Deep-Voice Dobbson asked.

“…”

“…” Chazz and Billy Hills just made a silent agreement to leave at once. And they did. And they didn’t look back.

 

 

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[spoiler=Episode 33: Grave Risk - Part One]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 33: Grave Risk – Part One

 

We open up to our first non-filler episode in a long time with a peaceful, guitar-filled night in the Slifer Toolshed. Koala Ko Ala was snoring loudly on the top bunk, Syrus was climbing down from his bottom bunk, and Mann McOldsmobile was resting his weary body on the floor in his own bunk. “I sure do wish my bowels weren’t acting up all the time,” Syrus sighed, grabbing his stomach. Jaden poked his head out from under Mann McOldsmobile’s bed.

“Hey, Sy!” Jaden greeted loudly, as always. “Where ya’ goin’, yo?”

“GAAH!!” Syrus screeched! And yet, nobody woke up. “Why do you insist on sleeping there?”

“Because I always slept on the floor before Mann McOldsmobile fell on me.”

“…”

“I don’t have to move if I don’t want to.”

“… Agh! The stupidity is messin’ with my bowels again!!” Syrus ran out the door in a hurry.

“See ya’, Sy!” Jaden said. He, with intense effort, pulled his head back under the bunk bed with a loud ‘POP’ sound.

 

Syrus walked around, dazed and full of liquids, until he stumbled down the stairs of the dorm house and bumped into Professor Banner’s room. “Oops.” Syrus’ knocking the door open bumped it into a bookcase, knocking over a large bottle of Koala Juice (it was a gift), which hit a bunch of snow globes and smashed them onto the ground, scaring Garfield, making him climb up a tall lamp, forcing it to fall over, smashing its light bulb and starting a small fire. But Banner was too involved with his computer to notice. “He’s on his computer at THIS hour?! Boy, I hope he’s not looking at porn,” Syrus sy-ed, “or else I’d have to lose all respect for this depraved, depraved man.”

Then, tomorrow, you will take your class on a surprise field trip to the ancient ruins on Duel Academy Island and let Jaden travel through time to face THE TRIAL OF THE GRAVEKEEPERS,” Banner’s computer instructed.

“No!” Banner disagreed. “I can’t take my class to the ancient ruins on this highly-populated island made for schoolchildren to run, jump and have fun unattended! What if he gets crushed by a rock?!”

If he is crushed by a rock, then so be it. That would mean that he is not… THE CHOSEN ONE. If he survives, then we have taught him well, at the possible risk of his life. The test of the tomb shall tell us the answer…

“Well, alright then.” Banner clicked a thing, making the voice shut up, ending their conversation.

T-t-t-t-test?! T-t-t-t-tomb?! Wait, why did they build a big school on an island with a volcano, steep cliffs AND ancient, dangerous ruins?! That’s a lawsuit just WAITING to happen!! Syrus thought. Oh well, it COULD be worse…

“Okay, now to watch some late-night porn!” announced Banner.

I take that back, it can’t get any worse… Syrus, horrified, slowly closed the door and left. He began slowly taking steps backward in disbelief. He walked back up the stairs in reverse, walked back into his room, climbed up the ladder and got into his bed. Our teacher… IS A PERVERT?! He gulped and was too frightened to sleep.

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

The class Banner was teaching that day was exponentially boring, especially marked by the fact that there were only around twelve out of forty kids actually there that morning. But Banner had a large chemistry set!! “And as you see, class,” Banner rambled on, “you can learn a lot about Duel Monsters from alchemy. By combining two things together, like monsters, you can get a DIFFERENT thing.” Banner combined two liquids and they became gold. “Also, you can’t have this.” He put it away to a chorus of groans.

“Uh, sir,” one kid asked, “can I make a Fullmetal Alchemist reference here?”

“No.”

“Can I make a Buso Renkin—”

“We already DID that!!” Chazz yelled!

“Oh, yeah…”

 

“WAIT!!” Banner remembered! “I almost forgot! We’re having a SURPRISE FIELD TRIP!!”

“Yayz.” The class began filing out into the halls.

“Wait, where are you all going?! We aren’t going YET!!” Only Jaden, Syrus, Koala Ko Ala, Mann McOldsmobile and Alexis remained.

“They aren’t coming back,” Alexis said.

“I know…”

Should I tell Jaden that Banner’s trying to do something dangerous to him? Syrus thought.

“Hey, everyone, I’m ready to go!!” Jaden was outfitted with brown shorts, hiking boots, a cool brown jacket, a large backpack and a sleeping bag.

Aw man, he looks so excited! Syrus gulped. Being as socially awkward as I am, I can’t bring myself to tell him something that could save his life, at the cost of feeling somewhat sad. Boy, kids are dumb.

 

A few seconds later, the six guys were all outside the school, armed with small packs and snacks and ready to make tracks. “I’m too fat to hike,” Koala Ko Ala moaned, “plus I don’t wanna. So can I NOT hike?”

“No.”

“Don’t worry, koala guy,” Mann McOldsmobile urged, rubbing his head, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I think.”

“Do you even know my name?” Koala Ko Ala asked, a little peeved.

“…” Mann McOldsmobile stared at him.

 

“Okay Jaden, I can’t stand back any longer,” Syrus decided, pulling Jaden away for a few seconds. “Last night I heard Banner talking about you. To his computer! And they discussed ‘the test of the tomb’. And then Banner watched porn! Are you sure you should be here? We’re going to those dangerous ruins on the island.”

“Oh, Sy, he was just yankin’ your chain!” Jaden said. “He KNEW you were listenin’ to him, so he messed with ya’ a bit! But maybe we SHOULD worry about the porn.”

“Why’re you talking about porn?” Alexis wondered, entering the conversation.

“Banner’s a perv!” Syrus screamed quietly!

“Gulp!” Alexis said.

“Okay, guys!” Banner called. “Let’s hit the road!” Mann McOldsmobile and Koala Ko Ala walked off with him. “Um, Jaden? Alexis? Syrus? Come on, or else you’ll get lost.”

“U-u-um… ok…okay?” Alexis shivered. The trio slowly walked after them. This is the same reason I left my LAST school… she worried.

“Jaden… the test of the tomb…” Syrus whispered to Jaden. “Teeeest… tooomb…”

“Test tomb?!” Jaden gasped. “Syrus, you’re crazy!” Jaden ran away from him. “HE’S CRAZY, YO!!”

Aw, man, why do I hang out with people who don’t listen to me? Syrus wondered. I really need to meet new people.

 

A FEW! HOURS!! LATER!!!

“Ah, here we are!” Banner sighed deeply. “The ruins located on Duel Academy Island.” They were at a large ruined site of some ancient club or something, taking the form of a massive dilapidated coliseum.

“What do you mean, ‘hours later?’ We just hiked behind the school,” Mann McOldsmobile indicated. They were right behind the main school building.

“Mr. McOldsmobile, that’s how we do things around here,” Banner explained. “Oh, over here you can see where they ate!” Banner ran over to a collapsed passageway marked ‘Kitchen’. “And here’s where they rested!” He pointed out a room marked ‘Video Games’. “And here’s where they played card games!” There was an open space marked ‘Duel Monsters’.

“Heeeeeey,” Jaden wondered, “I can believe that they had a kitchen, and maybe I can understand why they’d have video games, but why the FUNK would they be able to play Duel Monsters?!”

“Because they were bored, of course!” Banner said. “Now, I believe it’s about time to eat our lunches.”

“It’s about 10:30,” Alexis said, reading the time off of her YugiNavi™.

“Don’t listen to her, teacher!” Koala Ko Ala roared! “She’s just trying to sabotage you!!” Koala Ko Ala whirled out a pic-a-nic basket from behind his back and threw it to the floor. The pic-a-nic basket exploded in a haze of confetti, leaving behind a blanket with a large plate of rice balls and Sammiches.

 

“Ah, so you came prepared, eh?” Banner chuckled.

“Yeah, of COURSE we’d force Koala Ko Ala to carry the food!” Jaden explained.

“Yeah!” Mann McOldsmobile gave’m a hi-five.

“Hee hee hee…” Banner laughed. What a creepy laugh… thought Alexis. “You kids may have brought your jelly doughnuts, or rice balls, as us “apparently” Japanese people call them, but I have completely and utterly outclassed you with my OWN tastes. For I…” He placed his bag onto the ground, which now looked surprisingly square-ish. “… have brought a pizza.”

“WOAH! NO WAY! REALLY? OMFG!”

 

Banner placed his hands into the bag and pulled out… Garfield. “Oh, son of a female dog, Garfield! What the hell?! This was my lunch! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Garfield farted.

“Come on, I can’t believe we had to resort to this type of humor.”

“But hey, the really immature kids LOVE that type of thing!” Mann McOldsmobile recalled. He then turned his attention to Alexis. “Hey, Alexis, aren’t ruins just romantic? Getting to look back upon the dreams of a once-great people and seeing just where they screwed up…”

“I have no interest in you and never will.”

“Well I’m supposed to be the mature, immature ladies’ man character! I’ll keep trying!”

“KIIIIIIIDS!!” Banner moaned. “Your teacher is so hungry. Can you please share with him?”

“Nah, you can’t handle OUR tastes, yo!” Jaden mocked.

“Yeah,” agreed his friends.

“What?! Not even ONE Sammich?! You have like fourteen!”

“Dah, okay.”

“NO, KOALA KO ALA, DON’T GIVE IT TO HIIIIIM!!”

 

Meanwhile, as they were having the food fight of the century but not in the usual sense, Garfield was up to some of his CRAAAAZY antics! He walked around and then scratched in the dirt a bit! He dug up a SPOOOOKY medallion with an eye and a gem in it! Oh, but he just kept scratchin’ at it! That is, until it released a blinding light thereby putting EVERYONE in DANGER! Ha ha ha, Garfield, you lil’ scamp! In all faux-seriousness though, beams of light began appearing all around the group in random places. “Hubba-WHA?!” Syrus said randomly.

“This is freaky!” Mann McOldsmobile cried!

“WOOOOOOAAAAAH yo!” Jaden shouted, as the air began to become a swirling mass of color, splitting the sun into three identical thingies.

“This is one totally licious field trip,” Koala Ko Ala said.

“You can’t just use your catch-phrase several episodes after you try it once and decide it’s not working!” Alexis said. “It could put us all in jeopardy. What if somebody else says something horrible, then follows your example by saying it again randomly?”

“Sorry.”

 

Suddenly, Jaden’s mystical spirit buddy, Winged Kuriboh appeared beside him. “OOH,” it said.

“You’re sayin’ that we should run, yo?” Jaden interpreted.

“OOH.”

“Because something dangerous will happen if we don’t?”

“OOH.”

“Hey, I do NOT look stupid by inferring what you’re saying!!” Jaden punched Winged Kuriboh out of sight. “Oh my gosh, I never realized how awesome those swirly colors looked until now!” Jaden marveled, staring at the now-multicolored sky. There was a thunder-like boom from someplace nearby.

“Jaden! Stop daydreaming and hide under this rock with us!” ordered Banner, holding a somewhat-large rock over himself and the other kids, huddled around him.

I wish I wasn’t so close to this pervert right now, but it’s a risk I have to take! Alexis decided.

“No way, Joes! I’m gonna lead this storm away!” Jaden promised, dashing off.

“No, Jaden, that’s stupid!!” Syrus screamed! “STUUUUPIIIIIIIIID!!” But Jaden had something there, because the rainbow-colored sky absorbed him, taking him to who-knows-where! “He actually DID save us!” Then it quickly came back for them, making Jaden look like an idjit again.

 

“Wooooooah…” Jaden tried to recover his bearings. “Where am I… oh cool, grass!” He looked down at the grass by his feet. “Well, I guess that answers everything… HUNH?!” Looking right in front of his face he saw the ruins, but they were restored!! They now resembled one of those cool Mayan pyramids. “Cool! We went back in time! How impossible is THAT? Welp, time for me to not care much about it, because we’re about to go on a BIG adventure, me! How I love talkin’ to myself, eh, Winged Kuriboh?” Winged Kuriboh didn’t move; he was down for the count. “Hey, get up, dude! I’m not supposed to kill you! It’s like… killing a baby! Nobody wants THAT!” Jaden picked him up. “…Heeeeeey, since when could I pick you up and stuff? I can’t touch a DUEL SPIRIT, I can only PUNCH it! What’s the dilly-o?”

“You!” shouted an unknown approaching woman, who appeared to by Egyptian or something. She was in a nice black cloak, a bandanna across her forehead, and a disturbingly short dress. Damn you Japanese people and your clothing fetishes. “What the heck?! Why are YOU here? You can’t be HERE!”

“Uh why?” She forcefully pushed him to a wall/staircase wall. “Ow ow ow! Hey! Don’t push me up against something in a way that can be misconstrued!”

“Quiet!” She pushed closer to his face.

“Aw man, you’re getting all sexual!”

 

About a dozen fat men in robes carrying staves, all named GRAVEKEEPER’S GUARDs walked up the stairs, covering their large bellies with their nice cloaks while holding spears. They too also seemed quite Egyptian. As soon as they’d passed, the lady stepped back from Jaden and gave him some space. “Gosh, lady, what’s yo’ prob?”

“Your friends have been taken hostage by the Gravekeeper Chief,” the lady informed, “and I was trying to keep them from taking you, too.”

“Did we all come here at the same time? How’d you know that within the space of a few seconds?”

“I’m just cool like that… just cool…” She caught herself and shook her head. “Uh, anyways, they’re about to offer them to our snake deity. Wanna watch?”

“Hellz naw, man!” Jaden slapped her forcefully! “How dare you even suggest that! I’m going up there to rescue them myself!” Jaden stormed up the stairs.

“No! You know not what you’re getting yourself into!”

But it was too late. Jaden charged up the stairs, as a man on a mission, a kid with a dream, and a hero on a dime!!

I’m not going to just give up my friends without some sort of fight! I’m gonna run up in that pyramid thingie and beat the bad guys up, then make my escape! I’m not leaving without ANY of them! So these guys can just forget it! Sacrificing them, I mean. Boy, these stairs are long. I wonder how much longer it’s gonna take for me to reach the top. Seriously, why’d they make these dumb things so tall? Their weirdo religions about human sacrifice, I bet! Ha, I answered my own question! I can do anything I set my mind to, huh? Well, then, I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it to ALL OF THEM!!

 

A FEW! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

Alexis, Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Koala Ko Ala and Banner were all tied up over a pit where a large clay pot was stationed, dangling precariously with their thin ropes. “I wonder how long it’s gonna take for Jaden to get here,” Alexis sighed.

“I REEEEALLY hope we don’t all die… thanks to this stupid test of the tomb!!” Syrus growled.

“What? It’s not MY fault,” Banner promised.

“Whenever an adult says that, don’t believe them!” Koala Ko Ala urged.

“Then who DO I believe in?!” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“You ‘kin believe in me, dude!” Jaden promised.

“Huh?” They all looked to the right of Banner, where Jaden was being lowered down next to them. “… Why did you get captured, too?”

 

“Uh, chief,” a GRAVEKEEPER’S SPEAR SOLDIER (a robed, thin dude with a spear) reported, “I caught THIS one running up the stairs.”

“Oh, great! Now we have SIX sacrifices!” giggled a creepy man’s voice. “Perfect!”

“Oh crap,” groaned the guys, “thanks for dooming us all, Jaden.”

“No prob!”

 

“WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!” laughed a man in INTENSELY white/black robes, a simple headdress, while simultaneously wielding a golden snakestaff!! Yes, a staff… in the design of a SNAKE!! “See how FOOLISH you were to try to save your friends?”

“Actually, now I DO feel pretty dang stupid now,” Jaden sighed, causing his ropes to wiggle a bit. “Woah! Stupid ropes. Stay still!”

“Just shut up already, Jaden!” Alexis ordered! I can’t deal with this kind o’ stress! Who knows what Banner might do to me while we’re up here?! panicked Alexis.

“Um, Mister Gravekeeper man?” Banner called.

“Yes, teacher of silly foolish fool?”

“Um, is there any way that you could let us go?”

“Aw yeah, you drove’m into a corner!” Mann McOldsmobile hooted. “Whadda ya’ say to THAT?!”

“Hm… I suppose… I could let you all go without feeding you to our resident deity,” considered the Gravekeeper’s Chief, rubbing his chin quizzically, “but that would mean that ONE of you would need to pass the Gravekeeper’s challenge!” Th-th-th-the TEST of the TOMB?! guessed Syrus. The chief snapped his fingers and out of doorways, roofs and tiny cracks in the ground marched the ARMY of the GRAVEKEEPERS, weapons all polished and shiny.

 

“Hm… and what might this challenge be?” challenged Koala Ko Ala with tough resolve in his eyes. Don’t say it like you’re in a position to do any challenges yourself!! Syrus thought. You won’t even do ANYTHING!! Stop making it all worse!

“Well, if you want to know,” the Chief decided, “why don’t I SHOW you?” The army held all of its gleaming instruments of death and stuff into the air!

“RAAAAAH!!” they roared, showing off their new old battle-cry!

“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL US NOW?!?!” screeched Syrus!

“Hmm…” The (exactly) forty guards started rummaging around through their pockets, looking for something. “A-HA!” They all took out… ONE DUEL MONSTERS CARD EACH. They all started passing them all up to the unknown woman in the inappropriate clothing, who then kneeled and gave them all to the Chief.

“Here you are, Chief Lateef,” said the woman, handing him the deck of destiny.

“Thank you, Khepri, and now you may have dessert.”

“Yeah!” Khepri fist-pumped, running into the passageway marked “Kitchen”.

“Are you seriously just going to play a card game with one of us?” Alexis asked, non-believing.

“And why does your name sound like ‘Queen Latifah’, that really good singer lady?” Koala Ko Ala asked. “It makes me feel like laughing at your funny name!”

“It’s EGYPTIAN!!” Lateef shouted. “It means ‘gentle’! Don’t laugh!”

“Ha, you? Gentle? HA!!”

“Do you really just want me to drop you in that pit?”

“Sorry, yo. So can I duel you now?”

“Yah, okay.” Chief Lateef motioned for one of the guards to pull Jaden up, and he did. He SURE did. He untied him and dashed off.

“So, if I win, mah peeps get off scott-free! And me too. If YOU win, then…”

“Aw, COME ON!!” screamed Syrus, un-amused.

“What? We’re raising the stakes here, hahaha!! Plus, I could just drop you right now.”

“Um… beat his ass, Jaden,” supported the group.

 

Within two seconds, the two duelists were standing in a cool open space marked ‘Duel Monsters’, which was pretty close to the tied-up dudes. A giant mass of supporting Gravekeeper-guys took on the role of the audience today.

“Jaden!” called Mann McOldsmobile. “Please win! For OUR sakes!”

“I don’t want my ears raped!!” Syrus sobbed.

“If you lose Jaden, I’m giving you an F!” Banner proposed.

“I gots nuthin’ to say!” Koala Ko Ala said.

“Don’t worry, I know you’ll obviously win, Jaden!” Alexis shouted. “I believe in ‘Yu’! Get it? So don’t screw this one up!”

“Gulp,” gulped Jaden. “Looks like all the hopes and dreams… the futures of my friends are on the line. And now… I am the vessel that they all ride upon! I SHALL NOT LOSE!!”

“Uh yeah, say that AFTER you win,” Chief Lateef said.

“HA HA HA HA HA!!” laughed the audience.

 

“Hmph,” Jaden grunted, pulling out a Duel Disk from behind his back, “I say it’s time to duel!”

“So it is, little boy?” mocked Chief Lateef, placing his ancient Egyptian Duel Disk onto his arm. Please bear with me.

“GET YO GAME ON!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Chief Lateef: 4000 Life Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“Ha ha ha, ‘get yo game on’?” laughed the chief.

“BOO,” someone said.

“What stupid foolishness do you speak of? You sound even dumber than Charlie over there. Hey Charlie, say something.”

“WHU-NAH?!” choked a random Gravekeeper.

“See, and he already sounds—”

“’Nuff wit’ you DUMB talkin’, let’s get ‘dis duel on in ‘da hizz-ouse, son!” Jaden said.

“That just further illustrates my point, fooly-boy! I’ll just set one monster face-down and end my turn.” He placed down a card… and one of the Gravekeeper Guards, one of the fat ones, ran onto the field, curled up into a ball, and fell on his side. (Face-Down Monster: ???? Defense Points)

“… This is a bit freaky,” Jaden said.

“You STILL do not GET it?” laughed Chief Lateef. “All of my soldiers you see here are DUEL SPIRITS! This is a DUEL SPIRIT world! We ARE the cards! And since you didn’t bring anybody else with you to act as your cards, you have…”

“I summon Bubbleman in Attack Position to draw two cards and set a card face-down yo your turn yo.” Bubbleman appeared with a few bubbles. (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points)

“Sonofa… how did you do that? How did you make that bubbly-man appear?”

“I used the DUEL DISK… and the CARDS… to make a HOLOGRAM,” Jaden explained.

“S-S-SO THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE FOR?!” gasped Chief Lateef! “I thought… they were only for show!”

“Not so, dummyman! Hey, if you were an Elemental Hero, man, you’d DEFINITELY BE Dummyman!” laughed Jaden.

“This is no time for stupid jokes!” Syrus screamed! “Still gonna die, y’know!!”

“Oh, I forgot. Your turn, Mr. Queen Latifa!”

“Stop overusing the same joke! Just for that, phooey. I’m not… I’m not using YOUR style of dueling! Come here, Spear Soldier.” A Gravekeeper guy with a spear looked confused and pointed to himself. “Yes, you! Come here!” The guy rushed onto the field. (Gravekeeper’s Spear Soldier: 1500 Attack Points) “I will play the ceremonial way, as my forefathers have done before me!”

“Wasn’t this card game made in the nineties?”

“Screw you, boy! I flip up my Gravekeeper’s Guard to return your bubbly man to your hand!” The man who was on the floor suddenly stood up, shuffled up to Bubbleman and threw him away.

 

“Aw man,” Jaden cried, putting his card away, “now I can JUST USE HIM AGAIN LATER.”

“Okay!!” The big guardsman ran up to Jaden.

“Um, what’re you doin’, yo?” The guard flipped him over and stuck Jaden’s shoulders on his, in a way that his head was next to his. Then the guard grappled his legs in a way that they looked like that.

“LEGGO, YO!!” But he did NOT let go! Instead, he leaped around twelve feet into the air and came back down hard, damaging Jaden’s legs, shoulders and neck! Several popping sounds could be heard coming from his body. “Ooooow…” (Jaden: 3000 Life Points) The guard threw him toward the spear soldier, who grabbed him and placed him against his shoulders like that. He pulled. Jaden felt intense pain. “GYAAAAAAGH!!” Jaden screamed, spitting out puddles of blood! (Jaden: 1500 Life Points)

 

“I can’t see what’s happening, but it sounds HORRIBLE!!” Koala Ko Ala wailed!

“ARE YOU OKAY, JADEN?! SPEAK TO UUUUUUS!!” begged Mann McOldsmobile!

“It’s impossible,” cried Syrus, “almost NO great superhuman wrestlers have gotten up after the Kinniku Buster OR the Tower Bridge! I’m gonna miss him…”

“That hurt, yo,” Jaden said.

“Oh, never mind, then. Good work, Jay!”

“Thanks?” Jaden stumbled over a bit. “Are you REALLY allowed to hurt, maim or put a cap into the ass of your opponent, yo?” he asked.

“Well,” Chief Lateef thought, “maybe, but mostly we’re just playing until the Life Points are all out. Otherwise, yes, we kill each other.”

“Okay, yo! I got it now!”

 

“Um, Jaden,” Alexis called, “you sound a bit TOO happy right after getting pounded on by two legendary wrestling moves and betting our lives in a card game. Are you sure you’re focused?”

He held his card high into the air! “I fuse Avian and Burstinatrix to make Flame Wingman!!” he shouted! The two appeared out of nowhere and fused in another one of those lame sequences to become the cool flagship hero with the one wing and the dragon arm!! (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points) “Now I’m gonna attack your Gravekeeper Guard…” The guard sheepishly pointed to the spear soldier.

“Please attack him,” he asked.

“HUUUUUH?!?!” gasped the Gravekeeper Spear Soldier. He was struck by a fireball, causing him to get covered in blazing fire, get angry, smack the guard in the head, and storm off.

“Next, you lose Life Points for every Attack Point your Spear Soldier had, adding up the damage to a grand sum of 2100!” Jaden helpfully explained. Flame Wingman fired off a second fireball at Chief Lateef, who simply deflected it with a fire-proof shield. “Hey, no fair, Chief LATIFAH!!”

“Future-humour NEVER works in the past, foolish fool boy!” Lateef shouted! “Plus, I never said you COULDN’T NOT get hit!”

“Huh?”

“He’s right Jaden,” Banner shouted, “just don’t die and you’ll inevitably win!”

“Thanks for the encouragement, teach!” thanked Jaden. “I’ll summon Wroughtweiler the hero dog in Defense Mode!” The robot dog appeared, doing nothing special, because nobody cares about him. (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points) “Now, make your move so that I can get my friends and get outta this dumb place!”

 

“That was mean!” Chief Lateef said. “I change my Guard to Defense Mode.” The guard bent down and hugged his knees. (Gravekeeper’s Guard: 1900 Defense Points) “Next I’ll set another soldier of mine face-down!” Khepri, the helpful lady from before who got to get herself desert, walked back out onto the field with a half-eaten brownie and a crumb-covered face. She picked up a large rectangular slab of cardboard decorated like a Duel Monsters card, crouched down on the ground and balanced it on her back.

“It’s that lady, yo!” Jaden gasped! Khepri waved; she’d have said hi, but her mouth was full of brownie goodness. “You BACKSTABBER!! I TRUSTED YOU!! Ugh! Chief LATIFAH, I don’t care how much of an ungodly defense you may set up as long as I’ve got a SWEET offense in store! Flame Wingman, show them how we do it in ‘da hood!” Flame Wingman flung yet another fireball at the Gravekeepers! It was headed straight for Khepri, but at the last second she pulled the guard in front of her!

“OW!!” he yelled, hurt by flames! He ran away to the bathrooms to wash it off under the faucet. (Lateef: 900 Life Points)

“Oh yeah!!” Jaden fist-pumped, like all that was a good thing.

 

“Oh no, you have defeated my two randomly-picked guardsmen,” Lateef cried sarcastically, “whatever shall I do?” He picked up another card. “I activate Pot of Greed!” A soldier quickly ran over to him and handed over the symbolic ugly green pot. Chief Lateef threw it at Jaden, who quickly dodged it.

“WOAH! What’s up, man? You tryin’ to kill me ‘r sumthin’?”

“Yeah, actually. Now I shall flip up my Gravekeeper’s Assailant and summon a Gravekeeper’s Curse!” Khepri leaped out from under her cardboard card wearing a cool hood, and a second man ran over with neat ancient Egyptian dreadlocks and a cool staff. (Assailant: 1500 Attack Points, Curse: 800 Attack Points) “When I summon Curse to the field, he inflicts 500 points of damage to you! Frank!” ordered Chief Lateef.

“Yes sir,” Frank the curse-er agreed. He threw a rock at Jaden.

“YEOW!” Jaden yelped. (Jaden: 1000 Life Points) Meanwhile down in the pit where the other kids and not-kid and Mann McOldsmobile were being tied up against their will, the large clay pot I mentioned began to shake vigorously.

“EEEEEK!!” Syrus screamed! “WE’RE DEAD!!”

“Ah, I see I am winning just in time to see our sacred deity awaken, eh?” Chief Lateef chuckled. “Fufufufufu! Just perfect! No, wait, not-perfect. We’ll have to make him wait while we deliver the musical torture. Either way, I cast the Field Spell card Necrovalley!” Several soldiers hustled and brought out a large pained backdrop of a valley sunset.

“THIS can’t be good, yo,” Jaden worried.

“Of COURSE it’s no good for you. Now all my Gravekeepers feel a bit nostalgic and gain 500 Attack and Defense Points.”

“Nostalgic? That’s…” Jaden froze. Frank and Khepri were looking down and blushing, touching their hands to their hearts.

Egypt… they remembered. And they were refueled by a sense of natural pride. (Assailant: 2000 Attack Points, Curse: 1300 Attack Points) A very nostalgic song began to play.

 

“What’s with this music?” Jaden asked. “I mean, it’s so… odd! And not very nostalgic at all, yo!”

“To THEM it is,” Chief Lateef countered

Ah… One Piece… the soldiers recalled.

“Gravekeeper Assailant Khepri,” Chief Lateef ordered, “attack that Flame Wingman!”

“Yes, sir,” she sighed contentedly.

“What’s the dilly-o, man?” Jaden asked. “Got EGYPTIAN sand in ‘yer eyes? My Flame Wingman’s stronger than that double-crossing little skank-lady!”

“Oh, well, you see…” Khepri had stabbed Flame Wingman in the back with a long and wiggly knife.

“OH!!” Flame Wingman cried! He fell to his knees. (Flame Wingman: 1200 Defense Points)

“My ability is to be able to stab people in the backs SO well that they fall into Defense Mode, and I am not a skank,” Khepri explained. She went on, humming to the music as she barbarically and methodically stabbed the great hero in the back repeatedly. Blood splattered everywhere.

“Um… you can stop stabbin’ him now… what, are you tryin’ to gut him? Stop it! Come on… this is getting less scary and more dull now.” Jaden resorted to just tapping his foot in impatience.

“HERE we are!” Khepri sighed, wiping her forehead a bit and holding out Flame Wingman’s severed liver!

“YEEEP!!” Jaden cried! “A TRIBE OF CANYABALS!!”

“No, I just collect them,” Khepri corrected, putting it into her pocket for later. She snapped her fingers and a swarm of rats ran over Flame Wingman’s body, consuming every last piece of flesh and bone. As they left the floor shined from cleanliness.

“And THAT is how we kill monsters in THIS dimension!” Chief Lateef smiled smugly. “Well, actually we have no idea what kind of dimension you’re from, we’re just guessing. Frank, kill the pup.”

“Okay, killing the pup now,” Frank complied. He looked at Wroughtweiler SO hard… that he exploded.

“ARF!” screamed Wroughtweiler.

“…Um, wow, yo. I don’t know what to say.”

“GET YOUR CARDS!!” Alexis reminded.

“Oh yeah thanks I get from my Graveyard Polymerization and—”

“WRONG!!” Chief Lateef yelled!

“… What? That’s what the card says.”

“No, I mean WRONG! You can’t use that effect! Necrovalley stops you from manipulating your Graveyard in any way through an effect! So your pup is a useless-pup.”

“Aw, fo-shizzle…” Jaden cursed, gripping at his hair. “This sucks… to ‘da max… yo.”

“Aw, great, now we’re gonna get forced to listen to some musical GARBAGE, and THEN we’ll be killed by something horrible!” Syrus whined! “It’s hopeless, HOPELESS!!”

“Don’t give up hope, Jaden,” Banner supported, “you can still do this!”

“MEOW,” meowed Garfield, who popped out from behind Banner’s back.

“What was that about cannibalism earlier?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

 

Awww… it doesn’t matter WHAT they believe! Jaden thought. I’m at a BIG disadvantage here. The monsters try to kill you… the monsters try to kill the other monsters… graphically… and if I lose… or die… then my friends get subjected to one of the worst songs in existence AND they get presumably eaten! I’d better get my GAME on… or we’ll all be LONG gone!!

“BOO,” someone telepathically said.

 

“HIIIIIIISSSSSS…” hissed something, peeking its red eyes from out the lid of the clay pot.

“Um… guys?” shuddered Koala Ko Ala. “Something’s about to come out…”

“Oh crap,” Jaden gulped, snappin’ outta his funk, “I’d better end this NOW. I promise you, I will NOT let my friends get presumably eaten alive!!”

 

“That’s what YOU think… Hiiiiiss…”

 

 

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Here we have some plot development (if you could call it that) and an excuse to fill my story with music.

 

[spoiler=Episode 33: Grave Risk - Part One]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 33: Grave Risk – Part One

 

New half, new theme song.

 

We open up to our first non-filler episode in a long time with a peaceful, guitar-filled night in the Slifer Toolshed. Koala Ko Ala was snoring loudly on the top bunk, Syrus was climbing down from his bottom bunk, and Mann McOldsmobile was resting his weary body on the floor in his own bunk. “I sure do wish my bowels weren’t acting up all the time,” Syrus sighed, grabbing his stomach. Jaden poked his head out from under Mann McOldsmobile’s bed.

“Hey, Sy!” Jaden greeted loudly, as always. “Where ya’ goin’, yo?”

“GAAH!!” Syrus screeched! And yet, nobody woke up. “Why do you insist on sleeping there?”

“Because I always slept on the floor before Mann McOldsmobile fell on me.”

“…”

“I don’t have to move if I don’t want to.”

“… Agh! The stupidity is messin’ with my bowels again!!” Syrus ran out the door in a hurry.

“See ya’, Sy!” Jaden said. He, with intense effort, pulled his head back under the bunk bed with a loud ‘POP’ sound.

 

Syrus walked around, dazed and full of liquids, until he stumbled down the stairs of the dorm house and bumped into Professor Banner’s room. “Oops.” Syrus’ knocking the door open bumped it into a bookcase, knocking over a large bottle of Koala Juice (it was a gift), which hit a bunch of snow globes and smashed them onto the ground, scaring Garfield, making him climb up a tall lamp, forcing it to fall over, smashing its light bulb and starting a small fire. But Banner was too involved with his computer to notice. “He’s on his computer at THIS hour?! Boy, I hope he’s not looking at porn,” Syrus sy-ed, “or else I’d have to lose all respect for this depraved, depraved man.”

Then, tomorrow, you will take your class on a surprise field trip to the ancient ruins on Duel Academy Island and let Jaden travel through time to face THE TRIAL OF THE GRAVEKEEPERS,” Banner’s computer instructed.

“No!” Banner disagreed. “I can’t take my class to the ancient ruins on this highly-populated island made for schoolchildren to run, jump and have fun unattended! What if he gets crushed by a rock?!”

If he is crushed by a rock, then so be it. That would mean that he is not… THE CHOSEN ONE. If he survives, then we have taught him well, at the possible risk of his life. The test of the tomb shall tell us the answer…

“Well, alright then.” Banner clicked a thing, making the voice shut up, ending their conversation.

T-t-t-t-test?! T-t-t-t-tomb?! Wait, why did they build a big school on an island with a volcano, steep cliffs AND ancient, dangerous ruins?! That’s a lawsuit just WAITING to happen!! Syrus thought. Oh well, it COULD be worse…

“Okay, now to watch some late-night porn!” announced Banner.

I take that back, it can’t get any worse… Syrus, horrified, slowly closed the door and left. He began slowly taking steps backward in disbelief. He walked back up the stairs in reverse, walked back into his room, climbed up the ladder and got into his bed. Our teacher… IS A PERVERT?! He gulped and was too frightened to sleep.

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

The class Banner was teaching that day was exponentially boring, especially marked by the fact that there were only around twelve out of forty kids actually there that morning. But Banner had a large chemistry set!! “And as you see, class,” Banner rambled on, “you can learn a lot about Duel Monsters from alchemy. By combining two things together, like monsters, you can get a DIFFERENT thing.” Banner combined two liquids and they became gold. “Also, you can’t have this.” He put it away to a chorus of groans.

“Uh, sir,” one kid asked, “can I make a Fullmetal Alchemist reference here?”

“No.”

“Can I make a Buso Renkin—”

“We already DID that!!” Chazz yelled!

“Oh, yeah…”

 

“WAIT!!” Banner remembered! “I almost forgot! We’re having a SURPRISE FIELD TRIP!!”

“Yayz.” The class began filing out into the halls.

“Wait, where are you all going?! We aren’t going YET!!” Only Jaden, Syrus, Koala Ko Ala, Mann McOldsmobile and Alexis remained.

“They aren’t coming back,” Alexis said.

“I know…”

Should I tell Jaden that Banner’s trying to do something dangerous to him? Syrus thought.

“Hey, everyone, I’m ready to go!!” Jaden was outfitted with brown shorts, hiking boots, a cool brown jacket, a large backpack and a sleeping bag.

Aw man, he looks so excited! Syrus gulped. Being as socially awkward as I am, I can’t bring myself to tell him something that could save his life, at the cost of feeling somewhat sad. Boy, kids are dumb.

 

A few seconds later, the six guys were all outside the school, armed with small packs and snacks and ready to make tracks. “I’m too fat to hike,” Koala Ko Ala moaned, “plus I don’t wanna. So can I NOT hike?”

“No.”

“Don’t worry, koala guy,” Mann McOldsmobile urged, rubbing his head, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I think.”

“Do you even know my name?” Koala Ko Ala asked, a little peeved.

“…” Mann McOldsmobile stared at him.

 

“Okay Jaden, I can’t stand back any longer,” Syrus decided, pulling Jaden away for a few seconds. “Last night I heard Banner talking about you. To his computer! And they discussed ‘the test of the tomb’. And then Banner watched porn! Are you sure you should be here? We’re going to those dangerous ruins on the island.”

“Oh, Sy, he was just yankin’ your chain!” Jaden said. “He KNEW you were listenin’ to him, so he messed with ya’ a bit! But maybe we SHOULD worry about the porn.”

“Why’re you talking about porn?” Alexis wondered, entering the conversation.

“Banner’s a perv!” Syrus screamed quietly!

“Gulp!” Alexis said.

“Okay, guys!” Banner called. “Let’s hit the road!” Mann McOldsmobile and Koala Ko Ala walked off with him. “Um, Jaden? Alexis? Syrus? Come on, or else you’ll get lost.”

“U-u-um… ok…okay?” Alexis shivered. The trio slowly walked after them. This is the same reason I left my LAST school… she worried.

“Jaden… the test of the tomb…” Syrus whispered to Jaden. “Teeeest… tooomb…”

“Test tomb?!” Jaden gasped. “Syrus, you’re crazy!” Jaden ran away from him. “HE’S CRAZY, YO!!”

Aw, man, why do I hang out with people who don’t listen to me? Syrus wondered. I really need to meet new people.

 

A FEW! HOURS!! LATER!!!

“Ah, here we are!” Banner sighed deeply. “The ruins located on Duel Academy Island.” They were at a large ruined site of some ancient club or something, taking the form of a massive dilapidated coliseum.

“What do you mean, ‘hours later?’ We just hiked behind the school,” Mann McOldsmobile indicated. They were right behind the main school building.

“Mr. McOldsmobile, that’s how we do things around here,” Banner explained. “Oh, over here you can see where they ate!” Banner ran over to a collapsed passageway marked ‘Kitchen’. “And here’s where they rested!” He pointed out a room marked ‘Video Games’. “And here’s where they played card games!” There was an open space marked ‘Duel Monsters’.

“Heeeeeey,” Jaden wondered, “I can believe that they had a kitchen, and maybe I can understand why they’d have video games, but why the FUNK would they be able to play Duel Monsters?!”

“Because they were bored, of course!” Banner said. “Now, I believe it’s about time to eat our lunches.”

“It’s about 10:30,” Alexis said, reading the time off of her YugiNavi™.

“Don’t listen to her, teacher!” Koala Ko Ala roared! “She’s just trying to sabotage you!!” Koala Ko Ala whirled out a pic-a-nic basket from behind his back and threw it to the floor. The pic-a-nic basket exploded in a haze of confetti, leaving behind a blanket with a large plate of rice balls and Sammiches.

 

“Ah, so you came prepared, eh?” Banner chuckled.

“Yeah, of COURSE we’d force Koala Ko Ala to carry the food!” Jaden explained.

“Yeah!” Mann McOldsmobile gave’m a hi-five.

“Hee hee hee…” Banner laughed. What a creepy laugh… thought Alexis. “You kids may have brought your jelly doughnuts, or rice balls, as us “apparently” Japanese people call them, but I have completely and utterly outclassed you with my OWN tastes. For I…” He placed his bag onto the ground, which now looked surprisingly square-ish. “… have brought a pizza.”

“WOAH! NO WAY! REALLY? OMFG!”

 

Banner placed his hands into the bag and pulled out… Garfield. “Oh, son of a female dog, Garfield! What the hell?! This was my lunch! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Garfield farted.

“Come on, I can’t believe we had to resort to this type of humor.”

“But hey, the really immature kids LOVE that type of thing!” Mann McOldsmobile recalled. He then turned his attention to Alexis. “Hey, Alexis, aren’t ruins just romantic? Getting to look back upon the dreams of a once-great people and seeing just where they screwed up…”

“I have no interest in you and never will.”

“Well I’m supposed to be the mature, immature ladies’ man character! I’ll keep trying!”

“KIIIIIIIDS!!” Banner moaned. “Your teacher is so hungry. Can you please share with him?”

“Nah, you can’t handle OUR tastes, yo!” Jaden mocked.

“Yeah,” agreed his friends.

“What?! Not even ONE Sammich?! You have like fourteen!”

“Dah, okay.”

“NO, KOALA KO ALA, DON’T GIVE IT TO HIIIIIM!!”

 

Meanwhile, as they were having the food fight of the century but not in the usual sense, Garfield was up to some of his CRAAAAZY antics! He walked around and then scratched in the dirt a bit! He dug up a SPOOOOKY medallion with an eye and a gem in it! Oh, but he just kept scratchin’ at it! That is, until it released a blinding light thereby putting EVERYONE in DANGER! Ha ha ha, Garfield, you lil’ scamp! In all faux-seriousness though, beams of light began appearing all around the group in random places. “Hubba-WHA?!” Syrus said randomly.

“This is freaky!” Mann McOldsmobile cried!

“WOOOOOOAAAAAH yo!” Jaden shouted, as the air began to become a swirling mass of color, splitting the sun into three identical thingies.

“This is one totally licious field trip,” Koala Ko Ala said.

“You can’t just use your catch-phrase several episodes after you try it once and decide it’s not working!” Alexis said. “It could put us all in jeopardy. What if somebody else says something horrible, then follows your example by saying it again randomly?”

“Sorry.”

 

Suddenly, Jaden’s mystical spirit buddy, Winged Kuriboh appeared beside him. “OOH,” it said.

“You’re sayin’ that we should run, yo?” Jaden interpreted.

“OOH.”

“Because something dangerous will happen if we don’t?”

“OOH.”

“Hey, I do NOT look stupid by inferring what you’re saying!!” Jaden punched Winged Kuriboh out of sight. “Oh my gosh, I never realized how awesome those swirly colors looked until now!” Jaden marveled, staring at the now-multicolored sky. There was a thunder-like boom from someplace nearby.

“Jaden! Stop daydreaming and hide under this rock with us!” ordered Banner, holding a somewhat-large rock over himself and the other kids, huddled around him.

I wish I wasn’t so close to this pervert right now, but it’s a risk I have to take! Alexis decided.

“No way, Joes! I’m gonna lead this storm away!” Jaden promised, dashing off.

“No, Jaden, that’s stupid!!” Syrus screamed! “STUUUUPIIIIIIIIID!!” But Jaden had something there, because the rainbow-colored sky absorbed him, taking him to who-knows-where! “He actually DID save us!” Then it quickly came back for them, making Jaden look like an idjit again.

 

“Wooooooah…” Jaden tried to recover his bearings. “Where am I… oh cool, grass!” He looked down at the grass by his feet. “Well, I guess that answers everything… HUNH?!” Looking right in front of his face he saw the ruins, but they were restored!! They now resembled one of those cool Mayan pyramids. “Cool! We went back in time! How impossible is THAT? Welp, time for me to not care much about it, because we’re about to go on a BIG adventure, me! How I love talkin’ to myself, eh, Winged Kuriboh?” Winged Kuriboh didn’t move; he was down for the count. “Hey, get up, dude! I’m not supposed to kill you! It’s like… killing a baby! Nobody wants THAT!” Jaden picked him up. “…Heeeeeey, since when could I pick you up and stuff? I can’t touch a DUEL SPIRIT, I can only PUNCH it! What’s the dilly-o?”

“You!” shouted an unknown approaching woman, who appeared to by Egyptian or something. She was in a nice black cloak, a bandanna across her forehead, and a disturbingly short dress. Damn you Japanese people and your clothing fetishes. “What the heck?! Why are YOU here? You can’t be HERE!”

“Uh why?” She forcefully pushed him to a wall/staircase wall. “Ow ow ow! Hey! Don’t push me up against something in a way that can be misconstrued!”

“Quiet!” She pushed closer to his face.

“Aw man, you’re getting all sexual!”

 

About a dozen fat men in robes carrying staves, all named GRAVEKEEPER’S GUARDs walked up the stairs, covering their large bellies with their nice cloaks while holding spears. They too also seemed quite Egyptian. As soon as they’d passed, the lady stepped back from Jaden and gave him some space. “Gosh, lady, what’s yo’ prob?”

“Your friends have been taken hostage by the Gravekeeper Chief,” the lady informed, “and I was trying to keep them from taking you, too.”

“Did we all come here at the same time? How’d you know that within the space of a few seconds?”

“I’m just cool like that… just cool…” She caught herself and shook her head. “Uh, anyways, they’re about to offer them to our snake deity. Wanna watch?”

“Hellz naw, man!” Jaden slapped her forcefully! “How dare you even suggest that! I’m going up there to rescue them myself!” Jaden stormed up the stairs.

“No! You know not what you’re getting yourself into!”

But it was too late. Jaden charged up the stairs, as a man on a mission, a kid with a dream, and a hero on a dime!!

I’m not going to just give up my friends without some sort of fight! I’m gonna run up in that pyramid thingie and beat the bad guys up, then make my escape! I’m not leaving without ANY of them! So these guys can just forget it! Sacrificing them, I mean. Boy, these stairs are long. I wonder how much longer it’s gonna take for me to reach the top. Seriously, why’d they make these dumb things so tall? Their weirdo religions about human sacrifice, I bet! Ha, I answered my own question! I can do anything I set my mind to, huh? Well, then, I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it to ALL OF THEM!!

 

A FEW! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

Alexis, Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Koala Ko Ala and Banner were all tied up over a pit where a large clay pot was stationed, dangling precariously with their thin ropes. “I wonder how long it’s gonna take for Jaden to get here,” Alexis sighed.

“I REEEEALLY hope we don’t all die… thanks to this stupid test of the tomb!!” Syrus growled.

“What? It’s not MY fault,” Banner promised.

“Whenever an adult says that, don’t believe them!” Koala Ko Ala urged.

“Then who DO I believe in?!” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“You ‘kin believe in me, dude!” Jaden promised.

“Huh?” They all looked to the right of Banner, where Jaden was being lowered down next to them. “… Why did you get captured, too?”

 

“Uh, chief,” a GRAVEKEEPER’S SPEAR SOLDIER (a robed, thin dude with a spear) reported, “I caught THIS one running up the stairs.”

“Oh, great! Now we have SIX sacrifices!” giggled a creepy man’s voice. “Perfect!”

“Oh crap,” groaned the guys, “thanks for dooming us all, Jaden.”

“No prob!”

 

“WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!” laughed a man in INTENSELY white/black robes, a simple headdress, while simultaneously wielding a golden snakestaff!! Yes, a staff… in the design of a SNAKE!! “See how FOOLISH you were to try to save your friends?”

“Actually, now I DO feel pretty dang stupid now,” Jaden sighed, causing his ropes to wiggle a bit. “Woah! Stupid ropes. Stay still!”

“Just shut up already, Jaden!” Alexis ordered! I can’t deal with this kind o’ stress! Who knows what Banner might do to me while we’re up here?! panicked Alexis.

“Um, Mister Gravekeeper man?” Banner called.

“Yes, teacher of silly foolish fool?”

“Um, is there any way that you could let us go?”

“Aw yeah, you drove’m into a corner!” Mann McOldsmobile hooted. “Whadda ya’ say to THAT?!”

“Hm… I suppose… I could let you all go without feeding you to our resident deity,” considered the Gravekeeper’s Chief, rubbing his chin quizzically, “but that would mean that ONE of you would need to pass the Gravekeeper’s challenge!” Th-th-th-the TEST of the TOMB?! guessed Syrus. The chief snapped his fingers and out of doorways, roofs and tiny cracks in the ground marched the ARMY of the GRAVEKEEPERS, weapons all polished and shiny.

 

“Hm… and what might this challenge be?” challenged Koala Ko Ala with tough resolve in his eyes. Don’t say it like you’re in a position to do any challenges yourself!! Syrus thought. You won’t even do ANYTHING!! Stop making it all worse!

“Well, if you want to know,” the Chief decided, “why don’t I SHOW you?” The army held all of its gleaming instruments of death and stuff into the air!

“RAAAAAH!!” they roared, showing off their new old battle-cry!

“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL US NOW?!?!” screeched Syrus!

“Hmm…” The (exactly) forty guards started rummaging around through their pockets, looking for something. “A-HA!” They all took out… ONE DUEL MONSTERS CARD EACH. They all started passing them all up to the unknown woman in the inappropriate clothing, who then kneeled and gave them all to the Chief.

“Here you are, Chief Lateef,” said the woman, handing him the deck of destiny.

“Thank you, Khepri, and now you may have dessert.”

“Yeah!” Khepri fist-pumped, running into the passageway marked “Kitchen”.

“Are you seriously just going to play a card game with one of us?” Alexis asked, non-believing.

“And why does your name sound like ‘Queen Latifah’, that really good singer lady?” Koala Ko Ala asked. “It makes me feel like laughing at your funny name!”

“It’s EGYPTIAN!!” Lateef shouted. “It means ‘gentle’! Don’t laugh!”

“Ha, you? Gentle? HA!!”

“Do you really just want me to drop you in that pit?”

“Sorry, yo. So can I duel you now?”

“Yah, okay.” Chief Lateef motioned for one of the guards to pull Jaden up, and he did. He SURE did. He untied him and dashed off.

“So, if I win, mah peeps get off scott-free! And me too. If YOU win, then…”

“We make you listen to this for two hours before sacrificing you?”

“Aw, COME ON!!” screamed Syrus, un-amused.

“What? We’re raising the stakes here, hahaha!! Plus, I could just drop you right now.”

“Um… beat his ass, Jaden,” supported the group.

 

Within two seconds, the two duelists were standing in a cool open space marked ‘Duel Monsters’, which was pretty close to the tied-up dudes. A giant mass of supporting Gravekeeper-guys took on the role of the audience today.

“Jaden!” called Mann McOldsmobile. “Please win! For OUR sakes!”

“I don’t want my ears raped!!” Syrus sobbed.

“If you lose Jaden, I’m giving you an F!” Banner proposed.

“I gots nuthin’ to say!” Koala Ko Ala said.

“Don’t worry, I know you’ll obviously win, Jaden!” Alexis shouted. “I believe in ‘Yu’! Get it? So don’t screw this one up!”

“Gulp,” gulped Jaden. “Looks like all the hopes and dreams… the futures of my friends are on the line. And now… I am the vessel that they all ride upon! I SHALL NOT LOSE!!”

“Uh yeah, say that AFTER you win,” Chief Lateef said.

“HA HA HA HA HA!!” laughed the audience.

 

“Hmph,” Jaden grunted, pulling out a Duel Disk from behind his back, “I say it’s time to duel!”

“So it is, little boy?” mocked Chief Lateef, placing his ancient Egyptian Duel Disk onto his arm. Please bear with me.

“GET YO GAME ON!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Chief Lateef: 4000 Life Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“Ha ha ha, ‘get yo game on’?” laughed the chief.

“BOO,” someone said.

“What stupid foolishness do you speak of? You sound even dumber than Charlie over there. Hey Charlie, say something.”

“WHU-NAH?!” choked a random Gravekeeper.

“See, and he already sounds—”

“’Nuff wit’ you DUMB talkin’, let’s get ‘dis duel on in ‘da hizz-ouse, son!” Jaden said.

“That just further illustrates my point, fooly-boy! I’ll just set one monster face-down and end my turn.” He placed down a card… and one of the Gravekeeper Guards, one of the fat ones, ran onto the field, curled up into a ball, and fell on his side. (Face-Down Monster: ???? Defense Points)

“… This is a bit freaky,” Jaden said.

“You STILL do not GET it?” laughed Chief Lateef. “All of my soldiers you see here are DUEL SPIRITS! This is a DUEL SPIRIT world! We ARE the cards! And since you didn’t bring anybody else with you to act as your cards, you have…”

“I summon Bubbleman in Attack Position to draw two cards and set a card face-down yo your turn yo.” Bubbleman appeared with a few bubbles. (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points)

“Sonofa… how did you do that? How did you make that bubbly-man appear?”

“I used the DUEL DISK… and the CARDS… to make a HOLOGRAM,” Jaden explained.

“S-S-SO THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE FOR?!” gasped Chief Lateef! “I thought… they were only for show!”

“Not so, dummyman! Hey, if you were an Elemental Hero, man, you’d DEFINITELY BE Dummyman!” laughed Jaden.

“This is no time for stupid jokes!” Syrus screamed! “Still gonna die, y’know!!”

“Oh, I forgot. Your turn, Mr. Queen Latifa!”

“Stop overusing the same joke! Just for that, phooey. I’m not… I’m not using YOUR style of dueling! Come here, Spear Soldier.” A Gravekeeper guy with a spear looked confused and pointed to himself. “Yes, you! Come here!” The guy rushed onto the field. (Gravekeeper’s Spear Soldier: 1500 Attack Points) “I will play the ceremonial way, as my forefathers have done before me!”

“Wasn’t this card game made in the nineties?”

“Screw you, boy! I flip up my Gravekeeper’s Guard to return your bubbly man to your hand!” The man who was on the floor suddenly stood up, shuffled up to Bubbleman and threw him away.

 

“Aw man,” Jaden cried, putting his card away, “now I can JUST USE HIM AGAIN LATER.”

“Okay!!” The big guardsman ran up to Jaden.

“Um, what’re you doin’, yo?” The guard flipped him over and stuck Jaden’s shoulders on his, in a way that his head was next to his. Then the guard grappled his legs in a way that they looked like that.

“LEGGO, YO!!” But he did NOT let go! Instead, he leaped around twelve feet into the air and came back down hard, damaging Jaden’s legs, shoulders and neck! Several popping sounds could be heard coming from his body. “Ooooow…” (Jaden: 3000 Life Points) The guard threw him toward the spear soldier, who grabbed him and placed him against his shoulders like that. He pulled. Jaden felt intense pain. “GYAAAAAAGH!!” Jaden screamed, spitting out puddles of blood! (Jaden: 1500 Life Points)

 

“I can’t see what’s happening, but it sounds HORRIBLE!!” Koala Ko Ala wailed!

“ARE YOU OKAY, JADEN?! SPEAK TO UUUUUUS!!” begged Mann McOldsmobile!

“It’s impossible,” cried Syrus, “almost NO great superhuman wrestlers have gotten up after the Kinniku Buster OR the Tower Bridge! I’m gonna miss him…”

“That hurt, yo,” Jaden said.

“Oh, never mind, then. Good work, Jay!”

“Thanks?” Jaden stumbled over a bit. “Are you REALLY allowed to hurt, maim or put a cap into the ass of your opponent, yo?” he asked.

“Well,” Chief Lateef thought, “maybe, but mostly we’re just playing until the Life Points are all out. Otherwise, yes, we kill each other.”

“Okay, yo! I got it now!”

 

“Um, Jaden,” Alexis called, “you sound a bit TOO happy right after getting pounded on by two legendary wrestling moves and betting our lives in a card game. Are you sure you’re focused?”

He held his card high into the air! “I fuse Avian and Burstinatrix to make Flame Wingman!!” he shouted! The two appeared out of nowhere and fused in another one of those lame sequences to become the cool flagship hero with the one wing and the dragon arm!! (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points) “Now I’m gonna attack your Gravekeeper Guard…” The guard sheepishly pointed to the spear soldier.

“Please attack him,” he asked.

“HUUUUUH?!?!” gasped the Gravekeeper Spear Soldier. He was struck by a fireball, causing him to get covered in blazing fire, get angry, smack the guard in the head, and storm off.

“Next, you lose Life Points for every Attack Point your Spear Soldier had, adding up the damage to a grand sum of 2100!” Jaden helpfully explained. Flame Wingman fired off a second fireball at Chief Lateef, who simply deflected it with a fire-proof shield. “Hey, no fair, Chief LATIFAH!!”

“Future-humour NEVER works in the past, foolish fool boy!” Lateef shouted! “Plus, I never said you COULDN’T NOT get hit!”

“Huh?”

“He’s right Jaden,” Banner shouted, “just don’t die and you’ll inevitably win!”

“Thanks for the encouragement, teach!” thanked Jaden. “I’ll summon Wroughtweiler the hero dog in Defense Mode!” The robot dog appeared, doing nothing special, because nobody cares about him. (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points) “Now, make your move so that I can get my friends and get outta this dumb place!”

 

“That was mean!” Chief Lateef said. “I change my Guard to Defense Mode.” The guard bent down and hugged his knees. (Gravekeeper’s Guard: 1900 Defense Points) “Next I’ll set another soldier of mine face-down!” Khepri, the helpful lady from before who got to get herself desert, walked back out onto the field with a half-eaten brownie and a crumb-covered face. She picked up a large rectangular slab of cardboard decorated like a Duel Monsters card, crouched down on the ground and balanced it on her back.

“It’s that lady, yo!” Jaden gasped! Khepri waved; she’d have said hi, but her mouth was full of brownie goodness. “You BACKSTABBER!! I TRUSTED YOU!! Ugh! Chief LATIFAH, I don’t care how much of an ungodly defense you may set up as long as I’ve got a SWEET offense in store! Flame Wingman, show them how we do it in ‘da hood!” Flame Wingman flung yet another fireball at the Gravekeepers! It was headed straight for Khepri, but at the last second she pulled the guard in front of her!

“OW!!” he yelled, hurt by flames! He ran away to the bathrooms to wash it off under the faucet. (Lateef: 900 Life Points)

“Oh yeah!!” Jaden fist-pumped, like all that was a good thing.

 

“Oh no, you have defeated my two randomly-picked guardsmen,” Lateef cried sarcastically, “whatever shall I do?” He picked up another card. “I activate Pot of Greed!” A soldier quickly ran over to him and handed over the symbolic ugly green pot. Chief Lateef threw it at Jaden, who quickly dodged it.

“WOAH! What’s up, man? You tryin’ to kill me ‘r sumthin’?”

“Yeah, actually. Now I shall flip up my Gravekeeper’s Assailant and summon a Gravekeeper’s Curse!” Khepri leaped out from under her cardboard card wearing a cool hood, and a second man ran over with neat ancient Egyptian dreadlocks and a cool staff. (Assailant: 1500 Attack Points, Curse: 800 Attack Points) “When I summon Curse to the field, he inflicts 500 points of damage to you! Frank!” ordered Chief Lateef.

“Yes sir,” Frank the curse-er agreed. He threw a rock at Jaden.

“YEOW!” Jaden yelped. (Jaden: 1000 Life Points) Meanwhile down in the pit where the other kids and not-kid and Mann McOldsmobile were being tied up against their will, the large clay pot I mentioned began to shake vigorously.

“EEEEEK!!” Syrus screamed! “WE’RE DEAD!!”

“Ah, I see I am winning just in time to see our sacred deity awaken, eh?” Chief Lateef chuckled. “Fufufufufu! Just perfect! No, wait, not-perfect. We’ll have to make him wait while we deliver the musical torture. Either way, I cast the Field Spell card Necrovalley!” Several soldiers hustled and brought out a large pained backdrop of a valley sunset.

“THIS can’t be good, yo,” Jaden worried.

“Of COURSE it’s no good for you. Now all my Gravekeepers feel a bit nostalgic and gain 500 Attack and Defense Points.”

“Nostalgic? That’s…” Jaden froze. Frank and Khepri were looking down and blushing, touching their hands to their hearts.

Egypt… they remembered. And they were refueled by a sense of natural pride. (Assailant: 2000 Attack Points, Curse: 1300 Attack Points)

 

“What’s with this music?” Jaden asked. “I mean, it’s so… odd! And not very nostalgic at all, yo!”

“To THEM it is,” Chief Lateef countered

Ah… One Piece… the soldiers recalled.

“Gravekeeper Assailant Khepri,” Chief Lateef ordered, “attack that Flame Wingman!”

“Yes, sir,” she sighed contentedly.

“What’s the dilly-o, man?” Jaden asked. “Got EGYPTIAN sand in ‘yer eyes? My Flame Wingman’s stronger than that double-crossing little skank-lady!”

“Oh, well, you see…” Khepri had stabbed Flame Wingman in the back with a long and wiggly knife.

“OH!!” Flame Wingman cried! He fell to his knees. (Flame Wingman: 1200 Defense Points)

“My ability is to be able to stab people in the backs SO well that they fall into Defense Mode, and I am not a skank,” Khepri explained. She went on, humming to the music as she barbarically and methodically stabbed the great hero in the back repeatedly. Blood splattered everywhere.

“Um… you can stop stabbin’ him now… what, are you tryin’ to gut him? Stop it! Come on… this is getting less scary and more dull now.” Jaden resorted to just tapping his foot in impatience.

“HERE we are!” Khepri sighed, wiping her forehead a bit and holding out Flame Wingman’s severed liver!

“YEEEP!!” Jaden cried! “A TRIBE OF CANYABALS!!”

“No, I just collect them,” Khepri corrected, putting it into her pocket for later. She snapped her fingers and a swarm of rats ran over Flame Wingman’s body, consuming every last piece of flesh and bone. As they left the floor shined from cleanliness.

“And THAT is how we kill monsters in THIS dimension!” Chief Lateef smiled smugly. “Well, actually we have no idea what kind of dimension you’re from, we’re just guessing. Frank, kill the pup.”

“Okay, killing the pup now,” Frank complied. He looked at Wroughtweiler SO hard… that he exploded.

“ARF!” screamed Wroughtweiler.

“…Um, wow, yo. I don’t know what to say.”

“GET YOUR CARDS!!” Alexis reminded.

“Oh yeah thanks I get from my Graveyard Polymerization and—”

“WRONG!!” Chief Lateef yelled!

“… What? That’s what the card says.”

“No, I mean WRONG! You can’t use that effect! Necrovalley stops you from manipulating your Graveyard in any way through an effect! So your pup is a useless-pup.”

“Aw, fo-shizzle…” Jaden cursed, gripping at his hair. “This sucks… to ‘da max… yo.”

“Aw, great, now we’re gonna get forced to listen to some musical GARBAGE, and THEN we’ll be killed by something horrible!” Syrus whined! “It’s hopeless, HOPELESS!!”

“Don’t give up hope, Jaden,” Banner supported, “you can still do this!”

“MEOW,” meowed Garfield, who popped out from behind Banner’s back.

“What was that about cannibalism earlier?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

 

Awww… it doesn’t matter WHAT they believe! Jaden thought. I’m at a BIG disadvantage here. The monsters try to kill you… the monsters try to kill the other monsters… graphically… and if I lose… or die… then my friends get subjected to one of the worst songs in existence AND they get presumably eaten! I’d better get my GAME on… or we’ll all be LONG gone!!

“BOO,” someone telepathically said.

 

“HIIIIIIISSSSSS…” hissed something, peeking its red eyes from out the lid of the clay pot.

“Um… guys?” shuddered Koala Ko Ala. “Something’s about to come out…”

“Oh crap,” Jaden gulped, snappin’ outta his funk, “I’d better end this NOW. I promise you, I will NOT let my friends get presumably eaten alive!!”

 

“That’s what YOU think… Hiiiiiss…”

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

Also, treat this as your new 'end theme'.

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 34: Grave Risk - Part Two]“Come on, hurry up!” Syrus urged, pushing Jaden into their dorm room.

“WOOOAH Sy, hold yer horses, yo!” Jaden cried.

“Oh, hey guys,” greeted Mann McOldsmobile.

“What’s up now?” asked Koala Ko Ala.

“I just cut class, yo!” Jaden said victoriously.

“No,” corrected Syrus, “I remembered that this morning there’s a new episode of my favorite sitcom, and I took Jaden along for the ride!” Syrus quickly leaped onto his bunk bed and grabbed the remote control.

“Hup!!” Jaden leaped onto his spot under Mann McOldsmobile’s bed and poked his head out. “Remember how I sleep on the floor?”

“Why’re you telling us?”

“SHH!!” Syrus urged, turning on the TV.

 

“In nineteenth-century Europe, evil machines called ‘Akuma’ are created by the forces of evil,” the TV stated. “They are made from the souls of the dead and inhabit the bodies of their loved ones. But there are chosen ones picked by holy forces made to destroy these Akuma, known as Exorcists. Some of these Exorcists have joined a team called the Black Order…

 

“…and for the Exorcists, this is their BIIIIIIIIIIIIG HOOOOOOOOOOOUSE!!!” The studio audience roared with applause! A funky 70’s sitcom title in bold orange letters shone on the screen, reading “Big House”.

 

“Starring Allen Walker!” A white-haired guy in the Exorcist uniform was seated on a chair, turned to the camera, smiled, and waved as his name appeared under his face. There was applause.

 

“Lenalee Leeeee!” There was thunderous applause as a kind-looking girl with somewhat long pigtails looked outside a window towards the sun…with a smile!

 

“Lllllaviii…!” There was some applause all around whilst a guy with funkadelic red hair, a dragon bandana and an eye patch walked into him room after a long night…of DANCING!!

 

“Booookmaaaaaaan!!” An old guy with wispy hair and shortness sat in a library, readin’ a book. He looked up and winked! There were several ‘woot’s.

 

“COUNT ARYSTAR KRORY THE THIRD!!” A delicate-looking man who seemed easily swayed into doing dumb things was doing taxes. Badly. The female audience swooned!

 

“Komui Leeeee! And Reever Wenham! And Jooohnny Gil! And the rest of the Science Department!” Several scientists with several names appeared to be doing hard work, especially a JOHNNY GIL with poofy hair, swirly glasses and headphones from the 20th century. A lazy-seeming Komui Lee, wearing glasses and a beret, walked in with coffee, shaking hands with Reever, the cool-looking guy. The entire audience cheered their hearts out.

 

“AAAAND all your FAVORITE Exorcists!” promised the announcer, as Kanda Yu scowled. There were whistles and cheers all around. “…And all of your LEAST favorite Exorcists!” promised the announcer, as Kanda Yu scowled. There were whistles and cheers all around.

 

“With SPECIAL guest stars Lero the umbrella and the Millenium Earl!!” Everyone gave their full support for a jolly-but-well-dressed demon man and living, pumpkin-headed umbrella!!

 

The final scene showed everyone posing for a photo…but SOME of them made some GOOFY faces and did some HI-LARIOUS things! Ha ha ha!

 

“Now, folks, let’s recap over what happened in part one of this two-part saga!”

Krory walked into the Big House after school, carrying a large can of paint as well as a backpack. “Hey, guys!” he told the sitting-on-a-couch gang. “I have to finish an art project for school tomorrow!”

“I’ll help you,” Kanda said, getting up, “if you can help me.”

“I-I’ll do anything you say, Kanda!” Krory instantly agreed.

 

Meanwhile, some time after Krory did that, that darn Lavi was carrying Krory’s paint bucket down the hall! He passed by a big, important picture of Komui as a baby, and flashbacked…

“If anyone does ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to my picture,” Komui warned, “you’re gonna be in BIG trouble!”

But then Lavi slipped on water near a ‘CAUTION’ sign! “Woah!” he said, waving his arms around frantically and spilling paint all over the painting! Krory saw the spill, too, and that was where the episode faded out.

 

“What IS this crap?” Jaden shouted. “Is this D. Gray-Man?!”

“No, it’s BIG HOUSE!” corrected Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile.

“No, not YOU too,” Koala Ko Ala groaned. “This is dumb.”

“It’s just like FULL House, yo!” Jaden realized. “Combined with the funky beats of Sanford and Son! Funky…

“J-just watch, okay, watch!” snickered Syrus. “I brought you here for a reason! Wait, why were you two skipping class?”

“I was hungry.”

“There are CLASSES at this school?!”

“Fair ‘nough.”

 

And so, the episode begins, filmed in front of a live studio audience, as Lavi and Krory were freaking out about the painting to epic applause. “Oh no, we got it all over Komui’s important picture!!” Krory cried!

“Uh, i-it’s not as bad as it looks!” Lavi assured.

“Yes, it IS!” Krory pointed to the portrait. The camera zoomed in on it; it was completely and utterly covered in orange and purple paint. The audience sounded tickled pink.

“Wh-wh-what’re we gonna do?!”

“Well, gee, I dunno, Krory, do YOU have any ideas?”

Krory scrunched up his face and made annoying crying sounds. The audience laughed.

“I’ll see what I can do without you, Krory!” The crowd laughed a bit more.

Just then, the other three of their gang stepped in and gasped at the mess they had made! “What did you do to my brother’s painting?!” Lenalee cried.

“Do you…need help on your art project?” Allen asked.

“Th-th-the art project’s fine, but the painting, i-it’s ruined!” Krory sobbed.

Kanda slapped him. “Pipe down, Krory,” he demanded. There was some more audience laughter.

 

“The first thing to do,” Allen said, “is get this picture down!” But no matter how hard or hilariously our gang tried, they just couldn’t get that picture down! “…We’re really in big trouble, aren’t we?” There was massive laughter.

“We have to fix this somehow!” Lenalee said. “Komui goes down this hall every day to get to the cafeteria, and if he sees this…” Everyone turned to the camera with their own goofy expression. Some intense music accompanied this.

“Let’s huddle!” Allen said. Everyone came together to figure out a plan. “Kanda and Lenalee, you go stall Komui. Lavi and Krory, you two and me will try and come up with a plan for getting the picture fixed!” They nodded in agreement. “Break!”

 

Bookman walked by, to much applause. “What are you kids up to?” the old guy asked.

“We just spilled paint all over Komui’s baby picture!” Lavi explained.

You spilled paint all over Komui’s baby picture,” Lenalee sighed. There was so much laughter!

“If I may,” Bookman started, commanding clapping and ‘woot’s from the crowd, “you kids should just explain it all to Komui. He’ll understand! He understands everything!”

“He doesn’t understand everything,” Allen said, rolling his eyes. The crowd went wild.

“I’ll be off, then,” Bookman said.

“I’m feeling pretty hungry!” a voice said loudly from down the hall. “It’s about time to go to the cafeteria! Boy, I can’t wait to see that baby picture of mine!”

“Believe me,” Bookman warned, “there will be con-se-quen-ces!” He walked offscreen in a hurry.

“We’re not gonna listen to him!” Kanda said.

“Yeah!” Lavi agreed.

 

Just then, Lero the umbrella, who was leaning against the wall this whole time, spoke up! “Yeah, just hide it from him!” he said, a hardly-visible cord shaking him a bit. The crowd whistled and applauded him.

“Lero the umbrella!” everyone cheered.

“Take it from me, you won’t get into any trouble if he never sees it!”

“Gee, thanks!” Allen thanked.

“Don’t mention it!”

 

Komui appeared in the hall! “What’s all this, then?”

The audience responded with “ooooooohuhuhooooo.”

“You can’t go in there!” Kanda cried, pushing him and the nearby Reever away.

“Y-yeah! There’s, uh, a-an explosion!” Lenalee lied, also pushing. Somehow there was laughter.

“It’s probably not THAT bad,” Reever said.

“Let us through this instant!”

“N-no! Let the real Exorcists take care of it!” Kanda said. “Take the other stairs!”

“There ARE no other stairs!” Komui complained. The audience laughed SO hard. “Just please let me see that baby picture of mine!”

“No! You don’t wanna go there!” Lenalee said.

“It can’t be that bad, I said!” Reever repeated.

“I mean you really don’t wanna go there! It, uh…”

Kanda took over. “It, uh, smells like Lavi after he ate a huge can of beans!” The crowd laughed.

“Oh, that IS bad!” Reever ran downstairs to a backdrop of laughter all around.

“Don’t tell Lavi I said that,” Kanda whispered to Lenalee, rackin’ up the laughs.

“I don’t care how it smells!” Komui wiped away nonexistent tears with a smiley face hanky. “I just wanna see the baby picture!” The audience was brimming with laughter at this silly predicament.

“I hope Lavi has a good plan…” Lenalee mumbled.

 

Meanwhile, Lavi was busy painting over the painting while using Krory’s back as a stool. “How does this look?” he asked Allen.

Now the painting is shown to the viewers, looking even worse than before! Oh, that Lavi! “Good,” Allen said.

“Yeah? You really think so?”

“Good if you’re a dummy!” This remark pumped the laughs up to eleven.

“Get off my back, please,” Krory begged. No one paid attention. The audience gave a hearty simultaneous chuckle.

“Could YOU do any better, Allen?”

Allen revealed an exact replica from behind his back! “Yes, I certainly could!” This got a few more laughs and a lot of applause and “woot”s.

“Where did you GET that?”

“Amazing what you can find in the closet!” Laughter.

 

Just then, the wall exploded into foam bricks and a cloud of smoke! The Millenium Earl broke in!

“I’m the Millenium Earl!” he cackled.

“Oh no!” Krory gasped. “When Lenalee said EXPLOSION, she didn’t mean it LITERALLY!” People laughed.

“Ew, smells like someone just ate a huge can of beans in here,” Lavi remarked. He was raking in the laughs now.

Allen made a Home Alone face. “Oh nooooooooo.”

 

Tincanpy the flying little golden golem held up a title card over a blue background saying, “BIG HOUSE will be RIGHT BACK”.

 

“… THAT. WAS. HORRIBLE!” Mann McOldsmobile roared! “I can’t BELIEVE you suckered me into wasting my time with that!”

“HAHAHAHAHA!!” Syrus laughed hysterically, rolling on the ground, covered in tears! “N-no, man, when they, when they said it smelled like L-Lavi after he ate… WAHAHAHAHA!!” Jaden punted Syrus out the window.

“The funky music wasn’t enough to save you from your retribution from that piece of crap,” Jaden said, “please reflect upon your sins as you fall into the sea.”

Syrus burst through the door, covered in water. “HEY! WHAT IF I MISSED BIG HOUSE WHILE TRYONG TO CLIMB BACK UP THE CLIFF?!” He threw a fish at Jaden.

“OW! Yo, that’s no good!” Jaden yelled, throwing his fist at Syrus! And just before it hit him in the face, with his terrified expression, the words ‘WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK’ appeared on-screen, to your excited applause.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 33: Grave Risk – Part Two

 

LAST TIME YO ON YUGIOH GX THE FAN FIC YO!!

Then, tomorrow, you will take your class on a surprise field trip to the ancient ruins on Duel Academy Island and let Jaden travel through time to face THE TRIAL OF THE GRAVEKEEPERS,” Banner’s computer instructed.

“No!” Banner disagreed. “I can’t take my class to the ancient ruins on this highly-populated island made for schoolchildren to run, jump and have fun unattended! What if he gets crushed by a rock?!”

If he is crushed by a rock, then so be it. That would mean that he is not… THE CHOSEN ONE. If he survives, then we have taught him well, at the possible risk of his life. The test of the tomb shall tell us the answer…

“Well, alright then.” Banner clicked a thing, making the voice shut up, ending their conversation.

T-t-t-t-test?! T-t-t-t-tomb?! Wait, why did they build a big school on an island with a volcano, steep cliffs AND ancient, dangerous ruins?! That’s a lawsuit just WAITING to happen!! Syrus thought. Oh well, it COULD be worse…

“Okay, now to watch some late-night porn!” announced Banner.

I take that back, it can’t get any worse… Syrus, horrified, slowly closed the door and left. He began slowly taking steps backward in disbelief. He walked back up the stairs in reverse, walked back into his room, climbed up the ladder and got into his bed. Our teacher… IS A PERVERT?! He gulped and was too frightened to sleep.

 

“Your friends have been taken hostage by the Gravekeeper Chief,” the lady informed, “and I was trying to keep them from taking you, too.”

“Did we all come here at the same time? How’d you know that within the space of a few seconds?”

“I’m just cool like that… just cool…”

 

Alexis, Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Koala Ko Ala and Banner were all tied up over a pit where a large clay pot was stationed, dangling precariously with their thin ropes. “I wonder how long it’s gonna take for Jaden to get here,” Alexis sighed.

“I REEEEALLY hope we don’t all die… thanks to this stupid test of the tomb!!” Syrus growled.

“What? It’s not MY fault,” Banner promised.

“Whenever an adult says that, don’t believe them!” Koala Ko Ala urged.

“Then who DO I believe in?!” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“You ‘kin believe in me, dude!” Jaden promised.

“Huh?” They all looked to the right of Banner, where Jaden was being lowered down next to them. “… Why did you get captured, too?”

 

“Here you are, Chief Lateef,” said the woman, handing him his card deck of destiny.

“Thank you, Khepri, and now you may have dessert.”

“Yeah!” Khepri fist-pumped, running into the kitchen.

“Are you seriously just going to play a card game with one of us?” Alexis asked, non-believing.

“And why does your name sound like ‘Queen Latifah’, that really good singer lady?” Koala Ko Ala asked. “It makes me feel like laughing at your funny name!”

“It’s EGYPTIAN!!” Lateef shouted. “It means ‘gentle’! Don’t laugh!”

“Ha, you? Gentle? HA!!”

“Do you really just want me to drop you in that pit?”

“Sorry, yo. So can I duel you now?”

“Yah, okay.”

 

“So, if I win, mah peeps get off scott-free! And me too. If YOU win, then…”

“We make you listen to this for two hours before sacrificing you?”

“Aw, COME ON!!” screamed Syrus, un-amused.

“What? We’re raising the stakes here, hahaha!! Plus, I could just drop you right now.”

“Um… beat his ass, Jaden,” supported the group.

 

“GET YO’ GAME ON!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Chief Lateef: 4000 Life Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“Ha ha ha, ‘get yo’ game on’?” laughed the chief.

“BOO,” someone said.

“What stupid foolishness do you speak of? You sound even dumber than Charlie over there. Hey Charlie, say something.”

“WHU-NAH?!” choked a random Gravekeeper.

“See, and he already sounds—”

“’Nuff wit’ you DUMB talkin’, let’s get ‘dis duel on in ‘da hizz-ouss, son!” Jaden said.

 

“Frank, kill the pup.”

“Okay, killing the pup now,” Frank complied. He looked at Wroughtweiler SO hard… that he exploded.

“ARF!” screamed Wroughtweiler.

 

“Necrovalley stops you from manipulating your Graveyard in any way through an effect! So your pup is a useless-pup.”

“Aw, fo-shizzle…” Jaden cursed, gripping at his hair. “This sucks… to ‘da max… yo.”

 

I’d better get my GAME on… or we’ll all be LONG gone!!

BOO, someone telepathically said.

 

“HIIIIIIISSSSSS…” hissed something, peeking its red eyes from out the lid of a clay pot.

 

“Jaden… the test of the tomb…” Syrus whispered to Jaden. “Teeeest… tooomb…”

“Test tomb?!” Jaden gasped. “Syrus, you’re crazy!” Jaden ran away from him. “HE’S CRAZY, YO!!”

 

Now that I’ve filled up so much space, it’s time to get to the actual episode.

 

“HI-HI-HI-HI-HIIIIIIISS!!” laugh-hissed some sort of abomination, shaking the large clay pot from the inside.

“I… think it’s awake now…” Syrus gulped, too terrified for words.

“NNNNN….NYAGH!!” roared the beast, standing up and flexing its muscles so hard the pot exploded! And it was… Cobraman Sakuzy. (REFERENCE: yugioh. wikia. com/wiki/Cobraman_Sakuzy)

“WAAAAAAAAGH!!” screamed the hostages!!

“HE’S A FREAKIN’ MAN-SNAKE!!” Mann McOldsmobile added for extra impact!

“HUNH?!” Jaden gasped! “I’m too late?!”

“HI-HI-HI-HI-HI!!” laughed Cobraman, who was half-man, half-snake, and all-action. “So, are you all my sacrifices for the day?”

“WHAT IS THAT THING?!” Jaden screamed!

“Oh, it is just Cobraman Sakuzy, our resident deity whom loves human flesh. He’s a nice guy, so we give him the sacrifices sometimes. He sleeps in pots,” Chief Lateef informed.

“TELL’M TO NOT EAT MAH POSSE!!”

“Hey, Cobraman,” Chief Lateef called.

“What?”

“Eh, we have a sort of a deal running here, so could you refrain from eating the tasty sacrifices until after I win and force them to listen to horrible music?”

“Which song? Crazy Bus?”

“Yes, Crazy Bus.”

“Okay.” Cobraman sat down and waited dully.

…So what happens now? Syrus gulped.

 

“Okay, so I have something REAL important ridin’ on THIS duel now, yo,” Jaden gritted his teeth. “I’m gonna take you out now!” Chief Lateef still had two monsters-soldiers-whatever. (Frank: 1300 Attack Points, Khepri: 2000 Attack Points) In addition, he still had his Necrovalley card, which was just a nice painted background! Jaden only had one face-down, and it was gonna be a doozy of a turn…

(Jaden: 1000 Life Points, Chief Lateef: 900 Life Points)

“LET’S GO YO!” Jaden forcefully drew his next card: Winged Kuriboh! “Aw yeah! I summon Winged Kuriboh in Defense Mode!” Winged Kuriboh appeared on the ground. He was still knocked out from earlier, though, but who cares? (Winged Kuriboh: 200 Defense Points)

 

“Eh heh heh heh heh heh,” Chief Lateef laughed heartily, “in THIS world, little fluffy-fluff rodents like that aren’t for protection, they’re for eating dead things!”

“He’s no rodent, but he’s sure as weak as one!” Jaden compromised. “That doesn’t mean he still won’t kick yo’ butt!”

“Weak things defeating strong things?! You make no sense! Assailant, please remove the liver!” Chief Lateef ordered!

“With pleasure, liver!” Khepri responded, getting into her killing pose!

“Not so fast, dude, I use Some Lady Abducts an Angel Kid!” Jaden quickly flipped up his face-down he threw down at the start of the match! Remember that one Spell with that little girl with angel wings who was being abducted by a lady in the background? WELL THIS IS IT!!

“Hm hm hm…” hm-laughed Chief Lateef.

“What’s up, Latifah?” Jaden asked.

“I KNEW you’d use THAT CARD!!” Chief Lateef revealed!

“Why? Because it’s the only good use for that guy?”

“Yes, it was predictable, and that’s why I have THIS guy on my side!” He revealed a card with some cool advisor man pointing at a pyramid. “Come out, Advisor Gilbert!” The important-looking man walked over from the audience and took Jaden’s Spell card out of his Duel Disk.

“Yo, mitts off ‘da cards!”

“Nope.” Gilbert ripped the card in half.

“YOOOOO!! That card set me back two smackers! Well, around 200 yen, for those Japanese-ly inclined… BUT YO!!” Jaden sobbed. “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!”

“The same thing that’s ALWAYS been happening this duel; you’re losing!”

“But YOU have less Life Points, foo’!”

 

“… You didn’t have to say that. Khepri, kill the fluffy rat.”

“Okay!” Khepri picked up Winged Kuriboh and threw him away.

“Ha! You FELL for it!” Jaden laughed, wiping his nose like a true anime hero. “Because of his ability, now I can’t take any damage this turn!”

“Who cares?”Chief Lateef sighed, shrugging. “You lose, you lose. You DIE, you lose. Fred?”

“My name’s Frank,” reminded Frank.

“Okay. Attack hi—”

WAIT!!

“Wha?!” Chief Lateef and Frank froze!

“You cannot win the game like this,” Cobraman Sakuzy said, “you MUST win with VALOR! Hiss hiss hiss.”

“He is right, I must win fairly… I end my turn…”

 

“Wow, thanks, Cobraman Sakuzy!” thanked Banner.

“Why didn’t you just let him win so you could eat us?” Alexis asked.

“Because, hiss hiss,” Cobraman said, “it wouldn’t be fair.”

What a nice snake! thought Syrus. Wait, I forgot that he wants to eat us…

 

“I’ll merely place a face-down card,” Chief Lateef decided. “Now see, you’re really losing! You have nothing on the field now that I’ve gotten rid of your little rat-puff.”

“STOP CALLING HIM A RAT!!” Jaden exploded! “That’s too NICE a name for him! He’s too STUPID! I’ll take my rage against Kuribohs out on YOU!!” Jaden ferociously drew a card, which was Pot of Greed!! “I play the Pot of Greed!” A Gravekeeper ran up to him and gave him a matching pot for the card. Jaden threw it at Chief Lateef! He artfully dodged it!

“What are you doing?! Are you trying to kill me or something?!” he raged.

“If you lose, you lose. If you DIE, you lose, sucka!” Jaden recalled. “Next I summon Dark Catapulter in Defense Mode!” Jaden yelled, summoning that weird dinosaur guy whom nobody cares about. (Dark Catapulter: 1500 Defense Points) “Don’t think I’m done yet; I play Mirage of Nightmare, which is really fitting now!” The Spell appeared, with the picture of a guy screaming at some mummies and zombies randomly.

“Wait, what do you mean… ooooh,” Chief Lateef realized.

“Now I throw down THREE face-downs!” Jaden followed up!

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“I’m surprised that ‘boo’ guy went back in time, too,” Banner said.

“Oh, shut up, perv!” Alexis yelled!

What’s wrong with her? Banner wondered.

Don’t look at me, don’t ask me about it… Syrus whistled an unsuspecting tune so as to not be noticed.

“Why’re you whistlin’, Sy?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“AAAARGH!! SUCH A NOISE!!” Cobraman screeched! “IT HUUURTS!!”

“Eep! I’ll stop! I’m sorry!” Syrus sobbed.

 

“This turn should be enough to set me up to win this match!” Jaden confidently exclaimed! “I end my turn, yo!”

“Hm,” Chief Lateef said, rubbing his fashionable goatee, “if this will win your match, then why hasn’t your theme song played yet?”

HUH?! Jaden wondered. “HUH?!”

“This guy sounds a bit crazy,” Koala Ko Ala said.

“No no no, listen,” Khepri urged, “he means it.”

“Every duelist’s life is just a journey to find their own theme song,” Chief Lateef said, “the one song that is awesome or nostalgic enough to give them enough power to win ANY duel. Yours hasn’t played yet; this means that your Duel Energy hasn’t been properly charged up for when you played that Pot of Greed. Then all cards you used RESULTING from that wouldn’t be helpful enough for you to win.”

 

“…This is stupid,” Syrus moaned.

“No…” Jaden disagreed, “he’s right. Whenever we do anything awesome in a duel that NOBODY else would have seen coming unless they knew what the first syllable of my last name was. In order to pull off such funky moves, we’ve used THEME TUNES.”

Wait, Syrus remembered, he’s right. When we beat Para and… I mean, Tristan and Tristan, he beat Chazz, and when Chazz beat Yuki on that important filler that didn’t quite qualify as filler because it was important!

“I see that you understand what it was I was talking about,” Chief Lateef said. “Maybe you’ll be able to pass this ‘Test of the Tomb’ after all…”

“Test tomb?!” Jaden gasped. “You’re crazy! LATIFAH’S CRAZY!!”

“NO, SHUT UP, FOOLY-BOY! Now I am about to show you what a THEME song is ALL ABOUT!!” Chief Lateef drew his next card… of DIRE consequences…

 

“NOW!!” Chief Lateef shouted! “TIME FOR MY HYPED-UP THEME SOOOOONG--!!”

“I use Mirage of Nightmare’s special effect yo!” Jaded interrupted! His mummy-filled Spell exploded and he drew four cards. “I can draw until I have four cards in my hand, but then I have to trash’m on my next turn!” He drew Sparkman, Clayman, NECROSHADE?! WHA?! WHO’S THAT?! and The Warrior Returning Alive. “Sweet, y’all!”

“‘You all’? What manner of English is THAT?!”

“The GOOD kind!”

“That is not the GOOD kind of English! You shall now see what I mean as I perform my turn!” Suddenly, an intense song began to play!

That doesn’t sound good, Jaden gulped.

“I shall tribute Frank to summon the Gravekeeper’s Chief!!” Chief Lateef shouted! Frank walked off the field. Chief Lateef walked onto the field. (Chief Lateef: 1900 Attack Points -> 2400 Attack Points) “Heh, I gain more Attack Points due to Necrovalley’s effect.”

 

“HOLD UP!! YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF?!” Jaden gasped! “THAT’S SO CHEEEEEAP!!”

“Would you rather I summon Cobraman?”

“Eep. No thanks. Go ahead.”

“And so, as long as I’m on the field, I can now negate Necrovalley’s effect for my own Graveyard, and I may also summon one Gravekeeper from the Graveyard back onto the field!” Chief Lateef informed. “Now, come back, nameless Spear Soldier!” The soldier from earlier walked out of the bathroom perfectly healthy once more and stood on the field. (Spear Soldier: 1500 Attack Points -> 2000 Attack Points) “Next I’ll use this Trap card! Rite of Spirit!” It was a Trap card featuring some Gravekeepers trying to summon Cobraman Sakuzy. “Now I can summon Frank again!” Frank walked back onto the stage. (Frank: 1300 Attack Points) Frank hit Jaden with his staff.

“Yeow!” Jaden yelped. (Jaden: 500 Life Points)

“And now you see, fooly-fool, the TRUE power of playing your theme song on DEMAND, instead of at random cool moments!” Chief Lateef said. “I played MY theme song and am now about to wipe the floor with you and your face and then make you listen to bad music before sacrificing you to Cobraman!”

 

“EEEEEEH,” Syrus moaned, “PLEASE DON’T LOSE, JADEN!!”

“The song’s… too… hyper for me…” grunted Mann McOldsmobile, spitting blood.

“NOOOO, MANN MCOLDSMOBILE!!” Koala Ko Ala screamed!

“Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon, once I get my game on!” Jaden promised.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Be quiet! Khepri, attack that odd catapult dinosaur with your neat knife!” ordered Chief Lateef.

“Gladly, liver!” Khepri shouted, leaping into action and swiping her cool knife!

“Why is ‘liver’ now your catch-phrase?!” Alexis asked.

 

“YAH, LIVER!!” Khepri teleported behind and stabbed Dark Catapulter in the back, forcing it to stand up in shock!

“YEOOOOOOOW!!” it roared! (Dark Catapulter: 1000 Attack Points)

“I SHALL HAVE YOUR LIVER!!” Khepri roared!

“USE ONE OF YOUR TRAP CARDS!!” Banner cried! “NOW!!

“You got it, teach! I play Emergency Provisions!” Jaden shouted, flippin’ up his iconic kipper and cracker snack card! Two of his face-down cards turned into small kippers. “TAKE THIS!!” Jaden threw the kippers at Khepri’s face!

“AUGH, MY EYEEEEZ!!” she screamed, reeling back, yet being composed enough to behead Dark Catapulter! He fell over and was devoured by rats. (Jaden: 1500 Life Points)

 

“Try an’ take HIS liver now, PUNK-ASS GRAVEKEEPERS!!” Jaden mocked!

“Shut your mouth; your monster still died!” Chief Lateef reminded. “Now, I shall attack you with the fabled ‘Kinniku Driver’!!” He dashed up to Jaden, intent on using one of the strongest wrestling moves ever, but Jaden was undeterred.

“Trap card, activate! Draining Shield!” Jaden discarded one of his Traps and was tossed a helpful shield from off-screen. Chief Lateef rammed into it accidentally, causing some injury.

“Ow, my shoulder!” Chief Lateef said.

“Better luck NEXT time, Latifah!”

“You can’t keep saying that!”

“I can! And I did! And what’s more,” Jaden continued, “now I can gain Life Points equal to your Attack Points!” (Jaden: 3900 Life Points)

“Curses!” cursed Chief Lateef, walking back onto his side of the field. “Nameless guy, show him how you earned your name!”

“Huh?” wondered the Spear Soldier, perplexed.

“Just hit him!!”

“OKAAAAAAY!!” The Spear Soldier spun his cool spear around a few times and aimed it at Jaden. It glimmered. Then it fired off a massive red laser blast from its tip, powerful enough to push even its user back a few inches from recoil!!

“SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!” Jaden quickly ducked and rolled out of the way! (Jaden: 1900 Life Points) If that had hit me, I’d be deader ‘den dead, man! Jaden worried.

 

“The worst thing is that the laser attack isn’t even the BEST attack out of my entire army!” Chief Lateef pridefully declared! “That honor would have to go to Frank.” Frank waved. “Yes, he may be the weakest in terms of physical stats, but he is KNOWN for his utterly massive killing move that ends any duel the moment it is used! With an 85% accuracy.”

“THAT’S ACTUALLY BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS!!” Syrus informed.

“Frank… KILLIFY HIM!!” ordered Chief Lateef.

“Certainly!” Frank complied. Frank leaped into the sky… high enough to reach outer space!!

“Where’d he go?!” Jaden gasped.

“HEEEEREEEE IIIIII AAAAAAAMM!!” Frank shouted, gliding back to earth, surfing a meteor the size of an airplane! A COMMERCIAL-SIZED ONE!!

“NOOOOOOO!!” Jaden screamed, trying to shield his face!! He was squished.

 

“J… Jaden…” worried Koala Ko Ala.

“Is he… no, he can’t be dead!” Banner said.

“Actually,” Alexis whimpered, “the ‘Yu’ only protects you from losing a card game… not DYING!”

“Aaaaargh, my head AND my heeeaaaart!!” Mann McOldsmobile wailed!

“Now we’re ALL gonna die!” Syrus cried! “Jaden, we’ll miss you! And I’m still kinda mad because you didn’t save the day…”

“Wait… WHAT?!” Frank leaped off of the meteor quickly, as it soon exploded, sending small rock particles everywhere! Within the smoking debris was Jaden, whose hiking clothing was now slightly ruined and expression was hardened and ANGRY!! (Jaden: 600 Life Points)

“How is he still living, liver?!” Khepri gasped, sweating from fear!

“Stop saying that ‘liver’ thing, what’s wrong with you today?! The REAL question is…” Chief Lateef said… “THE FACT THAT HE’S COMPLETELY UNHARMED AND LAUGHING?!?!”

“BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Jaden heartily laughed! “That was AWE-SUMM!!”

“Your friends are about to be forced to listen to horrible music and then be eaten, you’re almost out of Life Points, you’ve been hit by a METEOR, and yet you’re STILL laughing?!”

“Tch, YEAH!!”

“There’s something wrong with you, fool-boy…”

 

“How’d you do it, Jay?!” Syrus begged! “How did you just narrowly evade death like that once again?!”

“Uh,” Jaden answered, “I got lucky?”

“Okay. Well, it’s nice you’re still alive and stuff.”

Well, it wasn’t ENTIRELY up to chance…” hinted Syrus’s hair.

“Come on, win already, Jaden!!” goaded Alexis! “All you need is one more turn!!”

“Uh, use that theme song power thing he was talking about earlier!” Banner suggested!

 

He’s right, Jaden thought, I really DO need my theme song to start playing now! And I don’t mean the ‘Get Your Game On’ song; that won’t help at all. I need something really great and iconic… ‘Happily Ever After’?! No, no, no… I need to introduce a new song! Something incredible; SO incredible that by being used for the first time in this story, it shall be even MORE powerful!! Because power is roughly equal to the coolness of something. And there’s only ONE thing I can think of within the next few seconds to fulfill that NEED for SPEED and FEED the SEED that BLEEDS!

 

“Chief Latifah,” Jaden said, “I’m about to take my turn now, so please, hurry up.”

“I am NOT named Latifah, and I’m NOT done yet!” Chief Lateef argued! “I activate the Spell card called Royal Tribute!” It showed some magician guys sacrificing a virgin lady to THE GREAT AND MIGHTY SPHINX. “Now, as long as I control Necrovalley, all of the monsters in your hand are sent to the Graveyard!”

“Aw. Okay.” Jaden placed his Sparkman, Clayman and NECROSHADE NEW HERO GUY in his Graveyard space. All I got now’s just The Warrior Returning Alive, and Necrovalley won’t let me use it! It’s gonna take one BADASS draw to win THIS one.

Jaden roared at the top of his lungs!! The world froze to listen to it. It was disgusted.

BLEEEEH,” Alexis vomited.

“Now it’s making ME sick, hiisss…” worried Cobraman Sazuki.

“For the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD AND HOLY, STOP THAT SONG!!” Koala Ko Ala shouted!

“Okay, okay, guys. It was just a joke.”

“A BAD one at that!” Chief Lateef yelled!

“I get it, gosh!

 

 

“THIS IS WHERE I MAKE MY STAND!! THEME SONG ACTIVAAAAATE!!” Jaden roared at the top of his lungs!! The world froze to listen to it. It was satisfied.

“Wha… what is this song…?” Mann McOldsmobile asked softly.

“It’s Taiyou No Mannaka He,” Jaden answered.

“It’s… sooooo… GOOOOOOD!!” Mann McOldsmobile roared, instantly breaking out of his ropes!!

“He broke out?! HIIIIISS!!” Cobraman Sakuzy sreamed!

“YOU AIN’T TAKIN’ A BITE OUTTA ME!!” Mann McOldsmobile proclaimed, punching him through one of the many stone walls around the area.

“… You just killed their resident deity,” Syrus noted.

 

“AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THE HALF OF IT, POWERIN’ UP MANN LIKE ‘DAT!!” Jaden said loudly!

“And what else could you possibly do with what you have now, which is nothing?!” Chief Lateef asked.

“THIIIIIS!!” Jaden drew his next card like a champ. It was… ! “AWESOME!! I just drew the card I needed. I play… MYSTICAL SPACE TYPHOON!” He played his new Spell card, a large tornado, which in turn SUMMONED a large tornado, which blew the Necrovalley background away!

“Oh no, our nostalgic feeling, lyric!” Khepri gasped!

Even her catch-phrase got ruined! Great! Now I just gotta follow it up… “Next, now I can finally activate The Warrior Returning Alive to bring back Bubbleman!” Bubbleman appeared on the field again, causing Jaden to draw two cards: Elemental Hero Bladedge and Polymerization! Aw, yeah… just what I need… wait, I don’t HAVE any episode-specific E-Hero fusions for THIS duo, leaving the ending bad since I can’t summon anybo-… Jaden’s Fusion Deck began glowing for no real reason! Oh boy, this is gonna be dumb.

 

“I play the Spell card Polymerization once again, in order to summon a Hero that’s NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE!!” Jaden said, playing his Spell, and combining Bladedge and Bubbleman! “I combine Bubbleman with Bladedge from my hand!”

“Wait, that’s not a real Fusion,” Alexis said, being untied by Mann McOldsmobile.

“Alexis, can’t you tell?” Banner asked. “His surging Duel Energy has grown to the point at which a NEW one-time-only Hero can be summoned!”

Woah, the pervert sounds oddly right! Alexis decided.

 

“Elemental Hero Maelstrom, come on out!” Jaden ushered in a new hero that will probably only be used here for a grand finale! The two guys formed into a thin and well-mannered-looking man wearing a blue mask. His hair was short and blonde, and his costume was a jumpsuit composed of several hues of blue. And there were also all manners of blue orbs stationed along his body. Water seeped out from them. (Maelstrom: 2600 Attack Points)

“What does he do?” Chief Lateef asked.

“Glad ya’ asked. When he attacks a Level Four or lower monster, the opposing monster’s ability’s negated. Attacking a Level FIVE or stronger monster, however, counts as a direct attack, destroying the monster automatically.”

“WHAT?!” Chief Lateef screamed in disbelief! “And from such an unoriginal name!”

“No more talk! Maelstrom, use Storm Slayer!!” And with that, dozens of blades crafted from water (don’t ask, go along with it) grew from those orbs on that guy’s body; each one was about eight feet long, and they extended further in order to stab into Chief Lateef’s flesh.

“GAAAH?!” he yelled! It wasn’t over yet, though. The blades pulled him back until he was just above Maelstrom, who then reformed all that water into a big claw-shape. It pierced through his enemy’s body and then enveloped him within a ball of hydro madness! That ball of water then began to rotate, faster and faster, until it reached the point that Maelstrom had to let it go. So he threw it into the air. A few seconds later it hit the stone floors of the Dueling Arena, and began cutting through like a hot knife through butter! “WAAAAAAAAAH…” Everybody crowded around the hole. He was too far away to see anymore.

 

“…Well, that’s game!” Jaden winked.

“BOO,” someone said. (Chief Lateef: -1500 Life Points; Game Over) Jaden’s monster faded away, and the Gravekeepers all walked around randomly, trying to figure out what to do next.

“WoooooOOAOOOOOAAAH!!” screamed Chief Lateef, flying out of the ground about seventeen feet from where he’d entered. The water stopped revolving and splattered around, and the chief landed on his back with a ‘thud’.

“Are you okay?” one guy asked.

“That was one hell of an ass-pull,” Chief Lateef said, just before going out like a light.

“So… you just used the full powers of your theme song in order to summon a massive amount of ‘Duel Energy’, which created a cool hero JUST for the sake of a big finish?” Syrus questioned, standing behind the crowd with the rest of the Duel Academy posse.

“Uh… yeah,” Jaden said.

“… SWEET!” Syrus said in a satisfying manner.

 

“DOOOOOD!!” a Gravekeeper yelled! “THEY JUST KILLED COBRAMAN AND KNOCKED OUT CHIEF!!”

“No, I killed Cobraman!” Mann McOldsmobile told in a cool manner.

“And I just created a time/space manipulation machine!” Banner smirked, holding a fancy box with Garfield on top.

“Now we can go home!”

“NO YOU CAN’T!!” The Gravekeepers all held their weapons at-the-ready. “You MAY think you may leave, but after beating up our beloved leader, AND killing our also-beloved deity, WE CAN NOT LET YOU GO!!”

“Oh cool, a medallion!” Jaden marveled, holding up one half of a cool pendant, with an eye in the center, which in turn had a ruby for an eyeball.

“WHY AREN’T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?!” The Gravekeepers charged, ready to kill!

“GETAWAWFROMMAHFRIIIIIIIIEEEENDS!!” roared Koala Ko Ala! He punched the ground, forcing up several stone spikes that blocked off the path of the approaching soldiers! “NOW, BANNER! LET’S GET OUTTA HERE!!”

“Got it!” Banner poked the machine he made, instantly teleporting them back into ‘civilization’.

“Ugh, they’re gone!” the soldiers groaned. “NOW how will we get revenge?”

“OH MY GOSH!!” a guy with a smooth voice cried! Yes, it was Seto Kaiba and Mokuba Kaiba, dressed up as British explorers! “How can I POSSIBLY build my school here with all these ANCIENT EGYPTIANS running around here?! Mokuba, shoot them!”

“Yes, sir!” Mokuba agreed, holding out his large laser cannon.

 

MEANWHILE, EIGHT MONTHS, THREE DAYS AND AN HOUR LATER…

The group instantaneously appeared out of thin air right where they originally teleported from. “Wow, that was kick-ass,” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“That song even gave ME some acceptance of those events!” Syrus remembered.

“And I got a cool medallion!” Jaden reminded. “Now we know how to make the GROUP awesome instead of just one duelist!”

“Why don’t we just use it ALL the time?” Alexis asked.

“Silly Alexis, life doesn’t work that way!” Banner said, patting her head.

“AHH DON’T TOUCH ME!” she yelped! Crap, I let my true feelings be known!

“Alexis, what’s wrong?” Banner asked.

“MEOW,” Garfield meowed.

“Nobody asked you. Well, I heard from Syrus that you were watching porn.”

“PORN?! Ah, NOW I see what you were scared about! Look for a second.” Banner pulled his computer out of his disproportionately-sized pocket and turned it on. It had a YouTube user account for a guy named PornGrape. He had videos about giraffes and giraffe habitats. “So you see? It was only the guy’s NICKNAME!”

“OOOOOH,” the kids gasped, suddenly becoming somewhat smarter!

“Now turn away while I do something non-porn-related.”

“Alright.” They all walked away in random directions.

 

“Hey, yeah, computer.” Banner pressed a few buttons and the screen became blue.

Yes?” the computer replied.

“Well, we did it, and Jaden got the medallion. Any further orders?”

No, you did good, risking all those lives just to fulfill something so secret that I can’t even teach you.

“Also, teacher…”

 

“Yes?” Barry the Beginner asked.

Well, my students caught me watching porn. What should I do, Yugi? They’re onto me.

“How the HELL should I know; control your damn desires!!” Barry the Beginner threw his computer into a wall, shattering it instantly. “Damn fool, get over it…”

 

 

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Oh how I love the stupid title of today's episodes.

[spoiler=Episode 35: Doomsday Day - Part One]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 35: Doomsday Day – Part One

 

There was no guitar solo today.

 

Rather, there was some ‘DRAMATIC MUSIC’ to go with the thunderstorm out there today. Even Chancellor Shepherd wasn’t feelin’ too good, as he was randomly standing around in his office. “Dang it,” he groaned, “whenever there’s a storm, either or somebody dies or something life-threatening happens. Why?” Suddenly a bird flew past the window!! “A… bird?! This can only mean ONE thing… the war has begun…

 

But it was no ORDINARY bird, it was a LARGE bird! Some guy rode on its back all the way to the island’s volcano. “Thanks, bird!” the guy thanked.

“Oh, yer’ welcome,” the bird said. Suddenly it caught on fire! “Aw, you son of a…” The bird fainted.

“Heh heh heh,” the bird-killer laughed, “NOBODY gives the villain a ride without expecting to PAY for it!” The guy had a domino mask, not unlike the Cocoa Titan. He also had the second half of that medallion Jaden found randomly. BUT WHO WAS HE?!?! He pulled out a cell phone. “Can you hear me?”

Auajenls.klicv

The guy moved around a few steps. “Can you hear me now?”

Yeah.

“Good. So I’m by the volcano now, Dr. Card. Should I wait?”

Yes. Wait for THEM to come to YOU, got it?

“Yeah, I know. But is it really okay to reveal the main antagonist THIS early?”

Meh, it’ll be fine, we know what we’re doing.

“Okay.” The guy put away his cell phone. “This is gonna be a piece of cake with my new host…”

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

Jaden and his roommates were surfing in the ocean on large planks of wood!

“WOO HOO!!” they cheered!

 

Then Jaden and his roommates were skydiving!

“WOO HOO!!” they cheered.

 

Then Jaden and his roommates were having a paintball fight in the cafeteria!

“WOO HOO!!” they cheered.

Would the important kids and teachers with names in the school please stop having an extremely fun normal high school day and come to my office immediately?” Shepherd asked over the intercom.

“Aw, bummer,” Jaden scowled, “we were just gettin’ to the REAL extreme part!”

“And I’ve NEVER been able to ski down a mountain on a wildebeest before,” Mann McOldsmobile whined. “Will I EVER be able to live that dream?”

 

They headed up to Shepherd’s office, disappointed. There, outside the door, they met up with Chazz, Billy Hills, Deep-Voice Dobbson, Professor Banner, Crowler, Bastion, Fluffy Fred, Piggybank, Baseball Bob, Zane, Alexis on Zane’s arm, Nancy Wut and Angry McArgue. “What’s up with the teachers?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“He DID say important kids AND teachers,” Banner reminded.

“Then where’s the gym teacher?”

“She DOESN’T matter, of course!”

“Oh, right.”

 

The door to the office suddenly scooted open. “Please come in, everyone,” Shepherd requested.

“Okay!” Nancy Wut complied, leading everybody else in. The room was completely darkened for dramatic effect, except for Shepherd, who was just standing there under a spotlight.

“Well, thank you for answering my rhetorical question, Nancy, but…”

“Let me open up the shades!” Piggybank forced open the black curtains, flooding the room with light!

“AAAUGH! I HAD IT DARKENED FOR A REASON, YOU FOOL!! Urgh… anyways…”

“So why ARE we all here, sir?” Syrus asked.

“Because I need you reliable kids and even more reliable two teachers to help defend something for me…”

“Well, why get kids?” Syrus imposed. “That’s stupid! Get the army or something!”

“But it’s card game-related!”

“Then get PROFESSIONAL DUELISTS!! Gosh, why get so many kids and only two adults?! Why don’t YOU duel, then?!”

“Because we don’t have that kind of budget, and I’m not supposed to use MY deck for another year or so!!”

Stingy…

 

“Um… well, onto what I was trying to say… this school was created for two reasons… one: to leech money out of parents stupid enough to send their kids here. Two: to protect three legendary trading cards…”

“Didn’t we already go over this in the original series?” Alexis asked.

“Yeah! And why don’t you just throw them away or something?!”

“Because people will find them!! If those three cards, locked away under the very school, are EVER to be discovered… civilizations will crumble… billions of lives will be taken… souls will be broken… everything will be dragged into despair… and you’ll spill your milk… and NOBODY WILL BE LEFT TO EVEN CRY OVER IT.

“This is pretty dumb,” Chazz said.

“…If you want the truth, then some guy could use them in his deck and completely take over the sport by always winning all major tournaments, making the game less fun and ruining the economies of several great world powers.”

“That KINDA makes sense,” Banner shrugged.

“Anyways… why’re so many of you guys even here?!” Shepherd asked.

“Well, you asked for us.”

“All of you people who weren’t in the original series, or have the names ‘Syrus’ or ‘Koala’, get out of here right now.” The extras trudged out slowly and solemnly. “Now… Jaden, Crowler, Banner, Zane, Alexis, Chazz, Bastion… the seven of you will protect the world from the wicked ones!”

“‘The wicked ones’?!” Zane repeated.

“YES, THE WICKED OOOOOOONES!! They are called the ‘Seven Stars’, but we can also call them the ‘Shadow Riders’; that’s because it’s an arguably worse name and will tick them off.”

“True,” Bastion agreed.

“One of them has already infiltrated the island through last night’s storm on a large bird for whatever reason, I’m afraid, and so he could strike at ANY time.”

“So how do we protect these cards from them?” Crowler asked.

“You have to protect the seven ‘Spirit Gates’.” Shepherd took out a wooden box and set it onto his desk. “This simple, easily-breakable wooden box contains the seven keys needed to unlock the keys from their seal. I need each of you to carry one in order to keep it safe.”

“But then they’ll be trying to target us,” Alexis said.

“Yes, but you’ll protect them through dueling. There’s an ancient law that decrees that the keys may only be taken after a duel is won.”

“ANCIENT?!” Chazz shouted, confused. “How old could the cards BE?!”

“And what if they use force? Like guns?” Alexis questioned.

“Nonsense. And Chazz, you know this crazy world we live in.”

“But you don’t get it. Why don’t you just put it in a safe, then post guards around the safe. With GUNS. Then, just in case, have a self-destruct feature that will destroy the cards if they get taken.”

“… I don’t like you very much right now, Ms. Rhodes.”

But… Alexis gave up.

“H-hey, don’t say that to Alexis!!” Chazz stood up! “You’ll have to… go through ME first!!”

“Be quiet, please.”

“Okay…”

 

“Now, I will give each one of you the seven keys, which represent the inner Duel Monsters Attribute within you,” Shepherd warned. The box opened up, revealing some dumb-looking keys in a rectangular pattern. “To Zane goes the key of Fire! To Alexis, Water! Bastion, you get Wind! Chazz shall get Earth! Crowler gets Darkness, and in a hilarious turn of events, Jaden gets Light! And Banner, you’re stuck with Heart.”

“This ALWAYS happens!” Banner cried.

“I AM NOT EVIL!!” Crowler shouted.

“And I don’t wanna be Earth, it just doesn’t match. Can I trade with Bastion?” Chazz asked.

“NO. If anybody’s too much of a wimp to try to keep these things safe, you may leave now.” Zane walked out the door. “Alright, then, that solves everything. I’ll just keep the Fire key safe for now.” Shepherd put the Fire key back into the box and closed it. The box splintered. “I KNEW we should’ve sprung for that safe…”

“Like I was trying to TELL you!!” Alexis reminded.

“Um, so are we about done here?” Bastion asked.

“Uh, yeah, that’s about it,” Shepherd said. “You may leave now. In fact, you don’t even have to remember who has which Attribute, because it really won’t have any effect on what happens to you all.”

“YAY!!” Everybody ran out the door.

“… Sometimes things like these make me wonder if I’m hated…”

 

LATER! THAT!! DAY!!!

“So you mean that you have to protect these SEVEN KEYS from the SEVEN STARS or SEVEN SHADOW RIDERS in order to protect THREE CARDS from DESTROYING THE WORLD—OF DUELING?!” Mann McOldsmobile screamed! “That’s… THAT’S… seriously lacking some logic.”

“I know, right?” Jaden asked, in the security of his own room with his peeps. “It sounds so clichéd! Isn’t that FUN?!”

“Well, it really DOES take all the danger out of the equation…” Koala Ko Ala guessed.

“Well, anyways, it’s gettin’ late n’ all,” Jaden yawned, “so I’m gonna need mah strungf up if’n I’m gonna be savin’ the world—of dueling.”

“But Jaaaay-Duuuun,” Syrus worried, “what if one of the SEVEN STARS appears and tries to duel you?!”

“Call’m the Shadow Riders! It makes’m angry!”

“Well, but… just answer my question!”

“I don’t really care… now that THAT’S settled, I’ll just settle myself in between these sheets…” Jaden sighed, leaping into bed, because it was apparently really late, and he didn’t see his friends, nor explain anything AT ALL during the entire day.

“BOO,” someone said.

“I missed it, what’d he say wrong?”

“Oh, the ‘settled’ thing, I think.”

“WHY’RE WE HONESTLY TALKIN’ ABOUT THIS?!”

 

Even I’m not quite so sure about that one, but what I DO know is that the moon that night was suitably red. Why suitably? Because it meant something HORRIBLE was to happen that night… since Alexis was randomly walking around the outskirts of the Slifer Toolshed with her friends Nancy Wut and Angry McArgue! Alex herself was wearing her cool key around her neck like Jaden, so that nobody could see it and/or steal it. “And so, everybody,” Alexis told them, “because the Seven Stars—”

“Shadow Riders!” Nancy Wut interrupted.

“Exactly, because they’re probably going to target the weaker key-holders first, which I hadn’t thought of before now, for some reason, I need to warn Jaden about the possible dangers of being dueled by somebody who could actually be smart enough to, y’know, not run away after they lose.”

“Fat chance,” Angry McArgue smirked.

 

But little did they know… that in the bushes… there was a guy… with a mask. And this mask… was a domino mask. For he was… the guy from earlier. And he took out a phone! “Dr. Card,” he said, “I found one of the seven key holders! Should I move in now?”

Huhn… wha? It’s ten o’clock!” his boss said, irritated. “NOBODY should call ANYBODY after seven and before nine! What kind of animal raised you?!

“But this seems important and… well, I didn’t want to attack unless it corresponded with your plan, seeing as it could accidentally ruin something on accident.”

Hey, as long as it doesn’t affect one of the other Six Stars, we’re good,” Dr. Card assured. “Now just duel him into submission!” He hung up.

“He said him… That’s a girl, though,” the guy realized, putting his phone up. “This means… I should knock her out!”

 

But within the confines of a crappy apartment-ish room, something noticed his presence. It was Winged Kuriboh. “OOH,” he cried, “OOH OOH OOH!” It had a sense of urgency to its whines.

“Mmmnmhm…” Jaden smashed him under his fist like an alarm clock. “Mornin’ already?” Nope, but there was an otherworldly glow outside of their window!! “WOAH!!” Jaden flipped onto his feet, knocking away the bed that was previously crushing him!

“AAAHH!” Mann McOldsmobile screamed, hitting the wall.

“SYRUS, WAKE UP!!” Jaden urged, shaking his friend around. He didn’t do anything. “U-uh, Koala, yo! Wakey wakey, EGGS! AND! BAKEY! AND BY ‘BAKEY’ I MEAN ‘BACON’!!” But not even Koala Ko Ala, bribed with food names, stirred. “Come on, Mann! The person, not the exclamation, ‘man’, yo! I even threw you into a wall!” Mann wasn’t asleep, simply knocked out cold.

 

Suddenly and without warning, a small ball-shaped smoke machine was tossed into Jaden’s room! “OH CRAPOLLY!!” Jaden screeched! And then the smoke ball began doing something smoke machines don’t usually do… IT FREAKING TELEPORTED HIM (Jaden) THROUGH TIME AND SPACE FOR AN UNSPECIFIED REASON!!

 

Heh heh heh heh heh… the first REAL duel has just begun!!

 

Jaden and an irritated Alexis appeared suddenly on a floating magical disk of large diameter above the island’s active volcano. “What ‘da hell?!” Jaden asked. “This is weird! How’d we get here?!”

“I’d suggest drug-induced hallucination,” Alexis suggested, as a giant flying fire dragon of evil burst out from the lava!

“Naw, ‘cause drug-free is ‘da way ta’ be!” Jaden promised! “And plus, drugs are for thugs! Although some thugs DON’T do drugs, and them some kids really wanna be thugs, so it sends a mixed message.”

“It sure DOES send a mixed message,” said some voice from the lava-dragon, which was spiraling around in a meaningless pattern, “Mr. Target-Number-Two!” The dragon crashed upon the far side of the magic disk of some sort, exploding into the same nameless guy that’s been walkin’ around all episode so far.

 

“Whadda you mean, ‘Target-Number-Two’?” Jaden ordered! “And just who ARE you?”

“Uh, he’s a Shadow Rider,” Alexis sheepishly revealed, “and he ran up to me a few minutes ago and ripped my key right off of my neck. I just HELD out my DUEL DISK, like Shepherd said to do, but NOOO, I should’ve tried PUNCHING him or KICKING him or SHOOTING HIM! We have a horrible Chancellor.”

“Horribly stupid,” Jaden laughed. “NOW WHO ARE YOU, BUB?”

“My name’s Nightshroud,” Nightshroud said.

“Heh, dumb, uninspired name!” Jaden chuckled. “Are you one of the SHADOW RIDERS?

“THAT’S SEVEN STARS!! My gosh, don’t CALL me that!” Suddenly both of their equally-cool medallions started flashing! “Oh, I see you got one of these, too?”

“Yeah.”

“That Lateef guy must be slackin’ off to lose one of these babies to a Slifer Slacker!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Hey, for once it’s not me!” Jaden excitedly announced.

“That WAS a pretty bad joke,” Alexis sighed. Wait, bad jokes? Only ONE guy I know could be capable of such horrible jokes that could summon that duck… besides Jaden…

 

“Oh yeah and I’ll be takin’ that key now in a duel and if you refuse I’ll kill your friends,” Nightshroud remembered, pointing to Koala Ko Ala, Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Angry McArgue and Nancy Wut, all locked within a magical barrier of some sort in the bottom of the volcano, in epic danger. They were making screaming motions with their mouths, but apparently the barrier was absorbing the sound, just making them look funny.

“AAAAAAHH, OH NOOOOO!!” Jaden screamed!

“Wait, if you just ran by and took MY key right off of my neck, then why not just do that to Jaden?” Alexis asked, confused.

“Because Dr. Card told me to duel HIM into submission, Ms. Girl! You AREN’T a ‘he’, so you’re excused.”

“Sexist.”

“HEY! I respect women! I also captured his MALE friends down there, too!”

“YO! I ain’t got no problems with gays, but I AIN’T GAY!!”

“I said MALE FRIENDS, not BOYFRIENDS, idiot! GAH! Why can’t we just get to the duel so that I can take your key fair and square and then drop your friends into a fiery death of pain and burny-ness? Besides, shouldn’t you be more scared about the fact that their barrier’s gonna start melting away after a while?”

“Why?!”

“Because usually duels on this show take FOREVER!!”

“More like seven turns or so, yo! Do yo’ research!”

“… Also you’ll be betting your soul on this match because I say so,” Nightshroud added, holding up a blank, yellow-ish Duel Monsters card!

“Wait, when we lose, our soul gets put into a NORMAL MONSTER?! You won’t even give them an effect? You ARE evil!”

“I know!”

 

“No, he’s just uncreative!” Alexis figured out! “He’s pulling a Pegasus on you, he did the same thing to Yugi and his friends in the first series after they introduced cards!”

“Gah, curses, foiled again!” Nightshroud gasped!

This guy’s a real idiot. An idiot with a mask somewhat similar to that Titan guy, Alexis thought, and I only know ONE GUY stupid enough to bet his soul in a card game… besides Jaden. “Now are you sure that you want to duel him, Jaden? He actually COULD put you into a normal monster card if you screw up.”

“Nah, I can’t screw up! I’m Jaden!” He smiled with a twinkle effect. “I CAN’T lose! Except… for when I screw up, of course. No biggie! I’ll just get this SHADOW RIDER out of the way and get yo’ card back, badda-boom, badda-bing, then we eat brownies.”

“Then are you ready for your SHADOW GAME?” Nightshroud invited.

“Yeah—HEEEEY, you never said anything about SHADOW GAME!!”

“Too bad.”

“Daw, alright, I’ve done some before, so it won’t hurt to WIN ONE again! Get ready ta’ THROW DOWN!!” Jaden yelled!

“BOO,” someone said.

“DUEL!!” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Nightshroud: 4000 Life Points)

“GET YO’ GAME ON!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“NO!! NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!” Nightshroud ordered! “But I’ll summon a cool Troop Dragon card instead.” A neat green dragon in Viking-ish armor appeared and held out his shield for protection! (Troop Dragon: 800 Defense Points)

 

“Cool dragon,” complimented Jaden, “but how’s he gonna STACK UP to mah dragon-SLAYER, Elemental Hero Wildheart?” Wildheart was summoned to the field and held his sword in a fashionable fashion! (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points) “Show’m your BIG BAD SWORD ain’t just ‘fer SHOW!!” Jaden ordered, flying around for some reason. “AAA-TACK!!”

“WRUUUUUUH!!” Wildheart moaned, running up to, and slicing in half, the Troop Dragon.

“Oh yeah when Troop Dragon dies I can summon another one from my deck.” (Troop Dragon the Second: 800 Defense Points)

“Aw man! Why didn’t you say that EARLIER?!”

“Because I’m a BAD guy!”

“Aw, you’re right!”

 

Nightshroud drew a new card. “I’m always right! And I’ll just activate my Trap card, Call of the Haunted, to bring back Troop Dragon the First!” he said, activating his Trap. And thus, Troop Dragon the First re-appeared on the field, brandishing its somewhat mighty blade.

“WRAAH,” he roared. (Troop Dragon the First: 700 Attack Points)

“Then I’ll sacrifice the two of them to summon Red-Eyes Black Dragon from my hand!” Nightshroud announced!

“HUBBA-WHA?!” Jaden and Alexis cried! Another massive flame dragon flew out from the magma! It made a loop, swirled around, made a knot out of itself, made a smiley face from its own flames, and BOOM, landed on the field as a massive, iconic black dragon! Its stats were horrible for two tributes, though. (Red-Eyes Black Dragon: 2400 Attack Points, Seven Stars)

“Heh heh, Level Seven means Seven Stars,” Nightshroud giggled, “and I’m one of the Seven Stars. Hee hee hee.”

“Hey Jaden while you were lookin’ at the dragon the top of the barrier melted away which is bad,” Syrus explained.

“HOLY CRAP!! GUUUUYS!!” Jaden screamed! “This just keeps gettin’ from bad, to worse, to weirder, to worse again, to even WORSE!!”

“Now Red-Eyes, attack Wildheart with Inferno Fire Blast!!” Nightshroud ordered! His dragon obeyed!

“Bleh~” it said, spraying fantastical pinkish flames from its maw!

“UWAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!” Wildheart shouted, getting burned to death! And so he died.

“Ow,” Jaden said, being pushed back about twelve feet due to the impact. (Jaden: 3100 Life Points) “Damn, I should’ve set at least ONE Trap card back there!”

“Yeah, that was stupid in hindsight,” Alexis agreed. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah sure whatev’z. I gotta do what I gotta do, right?”

“Yeah, remind yourself that when your entire body is engulfed in my dragon’s flames!!” Nightshroud laughed! “Now just take your turn, so I can go on and beat you.”

 

“Don’t screw up, Jaden!” Angry McArgue encouraged!

“You still need to work on your encouragement skills,” Syrus suggested.

“Ditto,” agreed Nancy Wut.

“Well, I’ll just give YOU a taste of my pain with POLYMERIZATION!!” Jaden’s cool-yet-overused effect card appeared taking the form of Clayman and Burstinatrix getting mixed together cheaply again! (Rampart Blaster: 2000 Attack Points, 2500 Defense Points) She landed on the ground, guarding her body with a funky shield and held out a massive missile-launching arm gun, as usual. “Now I’ll use her super power—though it’s really just a missile launcher—to deal half of her Attack Points as damage to you!” Rampart Blaster shot a bunch of missiles at Nightshroud, like we all rembered from the good old days! “NOBODY can survive a horde of live explosive heat-seeking missiles!”

BOOM BOOM BOOM. Every single missile hit the target.

“OW!” Nightshroud said, covered in soot, which he then wiped off. (Nightshroud: 3000 Life Points)

“Why didn’t that kill him?” Alexis asked.

“Are you SURE you use REAL missiles?” Jaden asked Rampart Blaster. She shrugged. “Aw damn it. Well, she’s still in Defense Mode, with enough power to survive a Red-Eyes Black Dragon attack, so there!”

 

“GrrRRRR!!” Nightshroud growled, drawing a card with as much ferocity as possible while drawing a card. “Ha, your Defense Points change nothing! I STILL activate the Spell card: Inferno Fire Blast!”

“Heh, that’s just his regular attack name!”

“No, really, it’s a card! Look!” He showed off his card, which showed Red-Eyes attacking. “It SHOWS him attacking, but it’s not really an attack; it’s just an effect!”

“Which does?”

“2400 points of damage to your Life Points.”

“… Frickin’ cheap-butt card.” Red-Eyes spat fire at Jaden, engulfing him in real-life flames! “YEEEE-OOOOOOW!! THAT DOES HURT!!” (Jaden: 700 Life Points)

“Jaden, no, without you the entire show will fall apart!!” Alexis cried!

“N-no, don’t worry…” Jaden assured. “I gotta do… what I gotta do, right?”

“… Jaden?”

“RAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Jaden roared, ready to unleash one of mankind’s’ most advanced super-techniques! “STOP DROP ROLL! STOP DROP ROLL! STOP DROP ROLL!” Jaden was stopping, dropping and rolling all around the field, and within seconds, the fire was gone and put out! “Heh… heh… heh… see, I’m not done yet…”

Even getting set on fire doesn’t stop this kid?! Alexis mentally gasped! He’s really serious! Or stupid. Or both!

“Neither am I!” Nightshroud cut in! “I summon Attachment Dragon!” A cool dragon that resembles an alien from ALIENS appeared and grabbed Rampart Blaster! “My lil’ dragon here takes your monster and FORCES it into Attack Mode! Sadly, I can’t kill your monster by battle now, but I can still make keep this turn up like a never-ending hell of pain! Red-Eyes, attack!!” The cool lil’ dragon disappeared behind Rampart Blaster and started flapping its wings.

“No!” Jaden protested, but it still forced her into the air along with it. (Rampart Blaster: 2000 Attack Points)

“Bleh~” Red-Eyes repeated, spitting all over Rampart Blaster, exploding her! (Jaden: 400 Life Points)

“GYAAAH!!” Jaden screamed, now guarding his face from raining sparks. “Why does this guy gotta be so freakin’ tough?!” And yet the Attachment Dragon was still flying! “And HE won’t even go away!! DAMN it!!”

“Told you it’d be hell,” Nightshroud smirked.

“Plus, that Spell card doesn’t LET Red-Eyes attack that turn! I just looked it up!!”

“So? You didn’t call me out on it before, so it’s okay.”

“DAMN IT!!!” Jaden roared! “You really ARE EVIL!!”

“Come on Jaden, calm down,” Mann McOldsmobile urged!

“Yeah, just think faster on your feet NEXT time! And set some Traps, too!” Koala Ko Ala added!

They’re right, Jade agreed. I need to get serious. The fate of my friends, this key on my neck, and, judging by the fact that I’m the only kid who can actually half-duel around here, THE WORLD are ALL at stake here… He drew a card so fast that it left an after-image. “MY DRAW!!”

 

TO BE CONTINUED…!!

 

 

[spoiler=Episode 36: Doomsday Day - Part Two]LAST TIME YO ON YU-GI-OH! GX! THE FAN FIC, YO!!

“So why ARE we all here, sir?” Syrus asked.

“Because I need you reliable kids and even more reliable two teachers to help defend something for me…”

“Well, why get kids?” Syrus imposed. “That’s stupid! Get the army or something!”

“But it’s card game-related!”

“Then get PROFESSIONAL DUELISTS!! Gosh, why get so many kids and only two adults?! Why don’t YOU duel, then?!”

“Because we don’t have that kind of budget, and I’m not supposed to use MY deck for another year or so!!”

“Stingy…”

 

“Um… well, onto what I was trying to say… this school was created for two reasons… one: to leech money out of parents stupid enough to send their kids here. Two: to protect three legendary trading cards…”

“Didn’t we already go over this in the original series?” Alexis asked.

“Yeah! And why don’t you just throw them away or something?!”

“Because people will find them!! If those three cards, locked away under the very school, are EVER to be discovered… civilizations will crumble… billions of lives will be taken… souls will be broken… everything will be dragged into despair… and you’ll spill you milk… and NOBODY WILL BE LEFT TO EVEN CRY OVER IT.”

 

“Now… Jaden, Crowler, Banner, Zane, Alexis, Chazz, Bastion… the seven of you will protect the world from the wicked ones!”

“‘The wicked ones’?!” Zane repeated.

“YES, THE WICKED OOOOOOONES!! They are called the ‘Seven Stars’, but we can also call them the ‘Shadow Riders’; that’s because it’s an arguably worse name and will tick them off.”

“True,” Bastion agreed.

“One of them has already infiltrated the island through last night’s storm on a large bird for whatever reason, I’m afraid, and so he could strike at ANY time.”

“So how do we protect these cards from them?” Crowler asked.

“You have to protect the seven ‘Spirit Gates’.” Shepherd took out a wooden box and set it onto his desk. “This simple, easily-breakable wooden box contains the seven keys needed to unlock the keys from their seal. I need each of you to carry one in order to keep it safe.”

“But then they’ll be trying to target us,” Alexis said.

“Yes, but you’ll protect them through dueling. There’s an ancient law that decrees that the keys may only be taken after a duel is won.”

“ANCIENT?!” Chazz shouted, confused. “How old could the cards BE?!”

“And what if they use force? Like guns?” Alexis questioned.

“Nonsense. And Chazz, you know this crazy world we live in.”

 

“Now, I will give each one of you the seven keys, which represent the inner Duel Monsters Attribute within you,” Shepherd warned. The box opened up, revealing some dumb-looking keys in a rectangular pattern. “To Zane goes the key of Fire! To Alexis, Water! Bastion, you get Wind! Chazz shall get Earth! Crowler gets Darkness, and in a hilarious turn of events, Jaden gets Light! And Banner, you’re stuck with Heart.”

“This ALWAYS happens!” Banner cried.

“I AM NOT EVIL!!” Crowler shouted.

“And I don’t wanna be Earth, it just doesn’t match. Can I trade with Bastion?” Chazz asked.

“NO. If anybody’s too much of a wimp to try to keep these things safe, you may leave now.” Zane walked out the door. “Alright, then, that solves everything. I’ll just keep the Fire key safe for now.” Shepherd put the Fire key back into the box and closed it. The box splintered. “I KNEW we should’ve sprung for that safe…”

 

Jaden and an irritated Alexis appeared suddenly on a floating magical disk of large diameter above the island’s active volcano. “What ‘da hell?!” Jaden asked. “This is weird! How’d we get here?!”

“I’d suggest drug-induced hallucination,” Alexis suggested, as a giant flying fire dragon of evil burst out from the lava!

“Naw, ‘cause drug-free is ‘da way ta’ be!” Jaden promised! “And plus, drugs are for thugs! Although some thugs DON’T do drugs, and them some kids really wanna be thugs, so it sends a mixed message.”

“It sure DOES send a mixed message,” said some voice from the lava-dragon, which was spiraling around in a meaningless pattern, “Mr. Target-Number-Two!” The dragon crashed upon the far side of the magic disk of some sort, exploding into the same nameless guy that’s been walkin’ around all episode so far.

 

“Whadda you mean, ‘Target-Number-Two’?” Jaden ordered! “And just who ARE you?”

“Uh, he’s a Shadow Rider,” Alexis sheepishy revealed, “and he ran up to me a few minutes ago and ripped my key right off of my neck. I just HELD out my DUEL DISK, like Shepherd said to do, but NOOO, I should’ve tried PUNCHING him or KICKING him or SHOOTING HIM! We have a horrible Chancellor.”

“Horribly stupid,” Jaden laughed. “NOW WHO ARE YOU, BUB?”

“My name’s Nightshroud,” Nightshroud said.

“Heh, dumb, uninspired name!” Jaden chuckled. “Are you one of the SHADOW RIDERS?”

“THAT’S SEVEN STARS!! My gosh, don’t CALL me that! Oh yeah and I’ll be takin’ that key now in a duel and if you refuse I’ll kill your friends,” Nightshroud remembered, pointing to Koala Ko Ala, Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Angry McArgue and Nancy Wut, all locked within a magical barrier of some sort in the bottom of the volcano, in epic danger. They were making screaming motions with their mouths, but apparently the barrier was absorbing the sound, just making them look funny.

“AAAAAAHH, OH NOOOOO!!” Jaden screamed!

 

“… Also you’ll be betting your soul on this match because I say so,” Nightshroud added, holding up a blank, yellow-ish Duel Monsters card!

“Wait, when we lose, our soul gets put into a NORMAL MONSTER?! You won’t even give them an effect? You ARE evil!”

“I know!”

 

“Now Red-Eyes, attack Wildheart with Inferno Fire Blast!!” Nightshroud ordered! His dragon obeyed!

“Bleh~” it said, spraying fantastical pinkish flames from its maw!

“UWAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!” Wildheart shouted, getting burned to death! And so he died.

“Ow,” Jaden said, being pushed back about twelve feet due to the impact. (Jaden: 3100 Life Points) “Damn, I should’ve set at least ONE Trap card back there!”

“Yeah, that was stupid in hindsight,” Alexis agreed.

 

“Well, I’ll just give YOU a taste of my pain with POLYMERIZATION!!” Jaden’s cool-yet-overused effect card appeared taking the form of Clayman and Burstinatrix getting mixed together cheaply again! (Rampart Blaster: 2000 Attack Points, 2500 Defense Points) She landed on the ground, guarding her body with a funky shield and held out a massive missile-launching arm gun, as usual. “Now I’ll use her effect to deal half of her Attack Points as damage to you!” Rampart Blaster shot a bunch of missiles at Nightshroud!

 

“I summon Attachment Dragon!” A cool dragon that resembles an alien from ALIENS appeared and grabbed Rampart Blaster! “My lil’ dragon here takes your monster and FORCES it into Attack Mode! Sadly, I can’t kill your monster by battle now, but I can still make keep this turn up like a never-ending hell of pain! Red-Eyes, attack!!” The cool lil’ dragon disappeared behind Rampart Blaster and started flapping its wings.

“No!” Jaden protested, but it still forced her into the air along with it. (Rampart Blaster: 2000 Attack Points)

“Bleh~” Red-Eyes repeated, spitting all over Rampart Blaster, exploding her! (Jaden: 400 Life Points)

“GYAAAH!!” Jaden screamed, now guarding his face from raining sparks. “Why does this guy gotta be so freakin’ tough?!” And yet the Attachment Dragon was still flying! “And HE won’t even go away!! DAMN it!!”

“Told you it’d be hell,” Nightshroud smirked.

 

I need to get serious. The fate of my friends, this key on my neck, and, judging by the fact that I’m the only kid who can actually half-duel around here, THE WORLD is ALL at stake here… He drew a card so fast that it left an after-image. “MY DRAW!!”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 36: Doomsday Day – Part Two

 

Jaden looked hard at his newly-drawn card. (Jaden: 300 Life Points)

“Heh heh heh…” Nightshroud laughed randomly. (Nightshroud: 3000 Life Points)

Alexis kinda looked at them, scared for her friends’ lives, but also somewhat bored at how long it was taking Jaden to do something. “Jaden, come on, do something before those guys all die!”

“We’re dying,” Nancy Wut reminded.

“Just hang on, guys!” Jaden urged.

“Hang on for dear life? If you were such a great friend, they wouldn’t HAVE to hang on!” Nightshroud reminded. “Take your turn already, it could help speed things up.”

“I play Pot of Greed! It lets me draw two—”

“WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT DOES,” everybody yelled.

“Well, did you know that I’m usin’ DE-FUSION?” Rampart Blaster fell out of the dragon’s arms (wings?) and broke apart into Burstinatrix and Clayman! “So now, Attachment Dragon can ATTACH itself to yo’ Graveyard!”

“This is NO time for horrible jokes, Jaden!” Alexis shouted!

“Jus’ tryin’ ta’ keep it real, yo,” Jaden sighed.

“You logic is flawed!” But in reality, the Attachment Dragon looked around a bit, felt sad, and exploded.

 

“Next I’ll play the Spell card Fusion Sage!” Jaden discarded a card with an old guy on it. “Now I can search my deck for a Polymerization…” Jaden searched his deck. “Ha!” he laughed, showing his Polymerization. “… And put it into my hand!”

“What was with that ‘Ha’ part?”

“Now I fuse Clayman and Sparkman for Thunder Giant!!” And Thunder Giant appeared out of a bluish portal of light! (Thunder Giant: 2400 Attack Points, Red-Eyes Black Dragon: 2400 Attack Points)

I see, so he’s just trying to knock out that dragon before it can do anything else, while simultaneously getting in a direct attack! Alexis figured.

“Thunder Giant, use Voltic Thunder!!” Jaden commanded!

“RAH!” Thunder Giant yelled, firing a bolt of lightning from his chest-orb!

“Don’t worry, Red-Eyes,” Nightshroud supported, “we can STILL beat that monster whom you’re exactly as strong as! Use Infernal Fire Blast!!”

“BLEH~” Red-Eyes spat! The fire and lightning collided and spread around each other, effectively still killing each monster.

“Damn, I THOUGHT it would WORK!!” Nightshroud cursed!

“Well too bad, bucko, because NOW you’re in Burstinatrix’s LINE OF FIRE!! And by that, I mostly mean the ‘fire’ part. Well, use FLARE STORM!!”

“Hah!” Burstinatrix held out her arms and channeled a stream of crimson flames through her arms, striking Nightshroud! (Nightshroud: 1800 Life Points)

 

“Darn,” Nightshroud whispered.

“Wait, why aren’t you writhing in pain, like me, yo?” Jaden asked, confused.

“Somebody didn’t consider wearing fire-proof clothing today~” Nightshroud sang.

“Well, I can’t do nuthin’ ‘bout that, but I ‘kin STILL play Mirage of Nightmare!” Jaden played his iconic mummy-filled card. “Now on your Standby Phase I can draw until I have four cards—”

“WE KNOW THAT CARD, TOO.”

“Dang, you guys’re on ‘da ball tonight! I’ll also throw DOWN a face-DOWN!!” Jaden added.

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“Hm, well as long as I can take my turn now,” Nightshroud shrugged.

“NOT YET!! Because now I have to draw my cards.” Jaden drew his cards.

“Okay, can I go no—”

“NOT YET, EITHER!! Because now I activate Emergency Provisions!!” Jaden announced, flipping up his kipper ‘n cracker card! “Now I can discard Spells and Traps to—”

“DON’T THINK WE DIDN’T REMEMBER THAT CARD, TOO.”

“Wow, you kids’re smart! Well, at least I don’t have to pay for Mirage of Nightmare’s CRAP effect, plus I get a cracker!” Jaden ate the saltine. “Ew, too much salt…” (Jaden: 1400 Life Points)

 

“Well, you may have AVOIDED your Mirage OF NIGHTMARE’S second effect,” Nigtshroud chuckled, “but you won’t be AVIODING my Mirage DRAGON!!” He summoned a cool golden dragon with blue hair. (Mirage Dragon: 1600 Attack Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“You’re on the ball, too, bad guy!

“Sh-SHUT UP!” Nightshroud sobbed! “Unlike his name suggests, his attack is no mere MIRAGE!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“STOP! ATTACK BURSTINATRIX ALREADY!!”

“Leh~” Mirage Dragon said, spraying out a large orb of destructively funky rainbow-patterned energy. It ‘sploded Burstinatrix!

“It was too funkadelic for her,” Jaden mourned. “Oh wait.” Some of the ray blasted him, too. “DAMN SHADOW GAMES!! AHH, THE FUNKINESS!!” (Jaden: 1000 Life Points)

“I guess THAT’LL make you stop laughing at rainbows, right?” Nightshroud asked.

“What I wanna know is why you’re using a card like that instead of the more powerful Luster Dragon monster, with the same level but better attack?” Alexis asked quizzically.

“Because shut up! I’m evil so there!”

“Evil… and stupid,” Syrus added.

“Quiet, YOU’RE in a bubble near lava! You can’t be talkin’! Plus, it’s fading away, so YOU’RE about to die! So ha!”

“The truth hurts,” Syrus sy-ed.

 

“Don’t worry, Sy, ‘cause his Mirage Dragon’s gonna fade away FASTER than any stupid BUBBLE!!” Jaden assured!

“BOO,” someone said.

“And SPEAKIN’ ‘a bubbles, I summon Elemental Hero Bubbleman!” Jaden said, summoning Bubbleman! (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) “Now I’ll draw two cards from his effect, one of which is Silent Doom!” He played a Spell card with some weird hand grabbing a soul sphere! Oh no! “Oh yeah, ‘cause now I can summon Sparkman from the Graveyard in Defense Mode!” Sparkman appeared from the Graveyard in Defense Mode! (Sparkman: 1400 Defense Points) “Then I’ll follow it up with the Field Spell, Fusion Gate!” Jaden played his card, which showed a 2-D polygon of a battlefield! For some reason, it summoned storm clouds.

“Oh, is it gonna rain on my parade?” Nightshroud figured.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Aw yeah, boy, the storm’s a’ comin, and it’s comin’ fer’ YOU!” Jaden promised!

“BOO,” someone said.

STOP JOKING ALREADY!!” Alexis ordered, scared for her life!

“I’ll summon Elemental Hero Avian!” Avian appeared! (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“Hi, guys!” Avian greeted.

“NO, JADEN, DON’T!!”

“Wait… yes, Jaden! Do!” Syrus supported!

“Huh?” the others questioned.

“Don’t you remember when I made my massive comeback with him against the two Tristans?”

“No.”

“I wasn’t enrolled back then,” Mann McOldsmobile lamented.

“Well, shucks.”

 

“Now, I can fuse these three WITHOUT Polymerization, in order to summon Elemental Hero Tempest!!” Jaden shouted! The three guys melted together and became Avian with Sparkman’s visor, Bubbleman’s bubbly gun, big talons, a muscular build, and a slammin’ blue jumpsuit! (Tempest: 2800 Attack Points) “Annihilate that wimpy yellow dragon with Glider Strike!” Jaden said!

“Wargh!!” Tempest shouted, aiming and firing his bubble gun… but there were no bubbles. JUST A MASSIVE BLUE STREAM OF PURE, UNADULTERATED ELECTRICAL FURY!!

“Rar?!” Mirage Dragon gasped, ‘sploding. The electrical blast went on through and shocked Nightshroud!

WAAAAGHGAHGAHGAGGAH!!” he screamed! (Nightshroud: 600 Life Points)

“NOW you show pain!” Jaden chuckled.

“Th-that wasn’t a show of pain!” Nightshroud yelled furiously! “I honestly had something in my eye, and I flinched to tear it from my eye, thus producing a loud scream!”

“You have a mask over your eyes.”

“Oh…”

“That’s what happens when you summon crappy monsters,” Alexis promised. Still, I only know one guy besides Jaden who would make such an obvious lie and summon a crappy monster… could he be…?

“Well, I’ll end my turn then…” Jaden decided, “… with a Trap card.”

“FINALLY!!” the crowd cheered! Things were looking up now!

 

And now, with this draw,” he said, drawing a card, “I shall REALLY show you who’s winning!!”

“You’re bluffin’!” Jaden called! “He’s bluffing, right?”

“I don’t know,” Alexis admitted.

“Some help YOU are, Useless!”

“Hey!”

“EXCUSE ME, but I’m being SERIOUS over here!” Nightshroud growled! As if called upon by that quote, three more devilish lava dragons began forming out from the lava that surrounded them all. They stood around Nightshroud, as if he was their true lord and master!

“What’s with the dragons?” Jaden asked.

“Do you REALLY think that by sending my dragons to the Graveyard that they’re GONE? That they’ll never come back? That you’re safe?”

“Yeah.”

“WRONG! KEEP DREAMING! For now, I shall summon… the Red-Eyes Black Chick.”

“Sounds racist to me if I ever heard a racist card name.”

“SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!” Nightshroud cried, as a small red egg OF DEATH appeared on the field. Part of its shell cracked apart, allowing tiny red eyes to peek out. “Hatch, my dragon!” The egg broke apart! A small, cute baby version of Red-Eyes Black Dragon fell out and started sucking on its tail in an adorable fashion. (Red-Eyes Black Chick: 800 Attack Points)

“Aw, it’s so—”

“DEADLY, especially after I sacrifice my dragon in order to summon its adult form from my hand!” Nightshroud’s lil’ dragon grew explosively into the previous terror we’d seen just two turns ago, the Red-Eyes Black Dragon!

“RAWR~” it roared!

“You have a SECOND COPY of a card?!” Jaden gasped, trembling! “Nobody does that unless they’re using them as a full set of three!”

“Well I do! But that’s not the biggest it can grow, for I’m pushing its evolution even FURTHER now!” Nightshroud pointed to his dragon. The three lava terrors began to fly around Red-Eyes, then began combining with it! They became a kick-ass awesome metal dragon of doom, covered in intense red lines to further signify its awesome design, the “RED-EYES DARKNESS DRAGON!!” (R-E Darkness Dragon: 2400 Attack Points) “And what makes it even MORE scary is that it gains 300 Attack Points for every Dragon monster in my Graveyard!”

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!!” Darkness Dragon (for short) screeched, filled with hatred for its fallen brethren! (R-E Darkness Dragon: 4500 Attack Points)

 

“… Now THAT is a frickin’ cheap-butt card if I ever seen one…” Jaden grumbled.

“Jaden, can you do anything to stop it from attacking?” Alexis asked hurriedly. “One attack from that will seal you soul in a crappy card!”

“Jus’ gimme a sec’.”

“I won’t give YOU a sec!” Nightshroud declined! “For with this next attack, I claim you soul, your key, the lives of you and your friends, and shall bring my master’s plan one step closer to fruition! Inferno Darkfire!”

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAR!!” Darkness Dragon channeled the energies of those who had fallen before it and breathed. A giant inferno of fire blazed forth, threatening to consume all who dared stand before it! And in this case, those who stood ahead of it were Elemental Hero Tempest and Jaden.

 

“WATCH OUT!!” Nancy Wut screamed!

“JADEN, DOOOOO SOMETHIIIIIING!!” Syrus screamed, watching the massively incredible cool black dragon spit malicious flames at Jaden and Elemental Hero Tempest, for those of you who’d forgotten!

“Okay! Here goes! I play the Trap card: Negate Attack!” Jaden shouted, flipping up his dormant face-down! A cool green bubble surrounded Tempest, defending him and Jaden from the fire the dragon had fired.

“Fine, you get another turn,” Nightshroud groaned. “You’d better make it count, then.”

 

Meanwhile, we randomly scoot away from the volcano to the piers, by the lighthouse. Zane was standing there. He was somewhat disappointed with the fact that he walked away earlier when they were passing out those keys. But he really wanted Wind! And they said no trading allowed! So he just got outta there. BUT… “Hm?” He turned towards the volcano. “Something’s amiss…” he supposed. “A Shadow Rider. Something’s telling me… one’s close.

 

Mean-er while, Bastion was in his cool room on his cool computer. “Ugh!” he cried!

“What?” asked Baseball Bob, popping out from his futon.

“What?” Piggybank asked, popping out from her bed.

“What?” asked Fluffy Fred, popping out of the closet.

“My key!” He pointed to the key. It was slightly tilted. “It moved! There MUST be a SHADOW GAME!”

“Okay,” everybody shrugged, going back to sleep.

 

Mean-ER while, Ojama Yellow was shaking in front of Chazz’s face. “Hm! Hm! Hm!” he muttered, shimmying with all his might.

“YOUR DANCING IS IRRITATING ME!!” Chazz roared! “What’s the deal?!”

“Well, your spirit key’s kinda wiggling a bit,” Ojama Yellow said. Chazz’s key was sideways.

“That’s because I was LAYING on my SIDE!” Chazz revealed!

“Oh.”

“Goodnight!” Chazz grunted, falling asleep again.

 

MEANEST WHILE, Crowler was just kinda sleeping there under a pink, frilly blanket.

 

MEANEST-ER WHILE!! Banner was just standing around, carrying Garfield and looking toward the volcano.

 

MEAN—oh, screw it. Chancellor Shepherd was sitting at his desk, feeling generally crappy. “D’AW, THAT WAS STUPID!!” he bemoaned! “WHY did I entrust those keys to IDIOT kids?! I REALLY need to start thinking these kinds of things through… maybe Kaiba’ll help us?” He picked up a phone. “Kaiba?”

No!” Kaiba said. “Wait, no. Maybe!” Kaiba decided, hanging up.

“OH MAN, MAYBE NEVER MEANS YES!!” Shepherd cried!

 

And so, FINALLY, we go back to Jaden n’ pals, standing around as he drew his next card. “Awright guys, I’ll kick things of by summonin’ Wroughtweiler in Defense Mode, yo, and then I’ll shift Tempest to Defense as well!” Jaden said, as his monsters began guarding. (Wroughtweiler: 1200 Defense Points, Tempest: 2800 Defense Points) “And I’ll call it a turn!”

“Heh, you barely did ANYTHING after ‘kicking things off’!” Nightshroud laughed. “I’ll call THAT a WASTE of TIME!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“And as you know, TIME is of the essence!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“That’s because your friends are almost out… OF TIME!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“That wasn’t even a good pun!!” Angry McArgue accused! “Don’t worry about us, we can handle a LIL’ bit of lava!”

“Not me,” Syrus said.

“Hurry Jaden, or else Syrus will DIE because he’s too weak!” Alexis rushed.

“Hey!”

“I know, yo, I know! That lava’s gettin’ CRAZY up in here!” And Jaden was right, as the lava was rising dramatically!

“Never mind, we can’t handle it!” Angry McArgue disagreed!

“I’M TOO YOUNG AND RESTLESS TO DIE!!” Koala Ko Ala wailed!

 

“So, what shall I do~” Nightshroud sang.

“How ‘bout you make yo’ move, buddy,” Jaden pressured.

“Alright then, I’ll just summon Spear Dragon in Attack Mode,” Nightshroud decided, summoning a semi-fat dragon with a pointy head. (Spear Dragon: 1900 Attack Points) “When this baby attacks one of your Defense Position monsters, you still take Battle Damage, thanks to his pointy head!”

“Crap!” Alexis growled. “Jaden, are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m good enough,” Jaden supposed.

“We’ll see how GOOD you are once my Spear Dragon gives your Wroughtweiler something to CHEW ON!!”

“BOO,” someone said. The Spear Dragon spat out a green laser, because of its pointy head. The laser cut through Wroughtweiler’s metallic exterior, and into Jaden’s chest!

AGH!!” Jaden gasped, falling! (Jaden: 300 Life Points)

“JADEN!”

“I said… I’m okay!” Jaden stood back up on his feet. “Thanks to… you killing Wroughtweiler, I… can add a Hero and a Po… Polymerization into my hand.” He put away two specific cards.

(Spear Dragon: 0 Defense Points) “Well, my Spear Dragon is forced into Defense Position after he attacks,” Nightshroud said, as his dragon sat down, “but I can still attack with Red-Eyes. And I also know about Tempest’s ability to protect himself by getting rid of Fusion Gate, but I’ll ANNUL that with Mystical Space Typhoon!” A large tornado blew away the storm clouds up above.

“B-but you can only use… Quick-Play Spells… when they’re face-down during your Battle Phase!” Jaden recalled.

“I SAID that I’m EVIL! Red-Eyes, INFERNAL DARKFIRE!!” And so, the dragon attacked again, finally wiping out Tempest for good. The resulting explosion forced the lava underneath the good guys to rise.

“How does THIS work?!” Mann McOldsmobile cried!

“I know this may sound selfish, Jay,” Syrus whimpered, “but HURRY THE HELL UP!! PLEASE!!”

“I got it… just gimme… another turn.” Jaden collapsed, finally.

 

“WA-HAHAHAHAHA!!” Nightshroud cackled! “So he gave up on you guys, eh? Well, just wait another minute. Then you’ll get to go to heaven! It’s awesome up there; you can eat all the snacks you like, and you can fly!”

“HAH!!” Alexis yelled, punching him in the face!

“OW!! I was too distracted to notice you running across the field to hit me! What’s your prob, bee-yotch?!”

“I’m TIRED of seeing this duel go on!” she yelled, grabbing him by the collar! “I’ll give you Jaden’s key if you just go the hell away and consider this your win, got that?”

“Hmm… I know you,” Nightshroud realized.

“And I sure as hell know you’re about to let those kids go.”

“Not really,” Nightshroud said. He looked at his dragons, sending some sort of signal with his eyes.

“GYAAAAR!!” Darkness Dragon shrieked, lifting its leg above Alexis, and bringing it back down upon her—

 

“NO WAY, GUYS!!” Jaden roared!

“Eh?”

“Huh?”

“Rar?”

“Dragon, move your leg,” Jaden commanded, “and Alexis, get back over here. When a REAL man, or woman, depending on who you are, decides that they wanna do something that they have to do, you CAN’T just stop them with pain or injury or words! Death, maybe, but nothing else!”

“You… you’re crazy,” Alexis chuckled darkly, walking back.

“Am NOT!” Jaden whined!

“Well, you’d better NOT be, because now we’re forced to order you to HURRY THE FREAKIN’ HELL UP!!” screamed the lava gang, as their faces were being concealed by the RISING LAVA FLOW!

“AAAAAAAHH!!!” Jaden screamed! “GUYS!” Grr… it’s now or never, dawg! “I summon Elemental Hero Wildheart back to the field!

“WARARARAAAAR!!” Wildheart roared heroically! (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points)

“Next I’ll split your dragon in half with my Spell card, Wild Half!” A picture with a badly-drawn wolf appeared! “As long as my Wildheart’s face up, I can activate this and deduct half of your dragon’s original Attack Points away, then summon a token with the same Attack Points to the field!”

“RAWAR!!” Darkness Dragon cried, being split into two halves. (R-E Darkness Dragon: 3300 Attack Points, Token: 3300 Attack Points)

 

“But they’re both still above Blue-Eyes level, because of their effect,” Alexis reminded.

“I know, so I’m fusing Wildheart with Bladedge, who’s in my hand!”Jaden announced, throwin’-down his Polymerization! Bladedge flew out of Jaden’s hand and onto the field!

“Yay!” Syrus cheered! “I like Bladedge!” Everybody looked at him oddly. “What, it’s strange for me to like things… NO, NOT IN THAT WAY!! My gosh, he’s just cool is all!”

“… Right. So anyways, combine, my heroes!!” Jaden’s two guys combined… and became Wildheart wearing Bladedge’s helmet, left arm and right leg.

“RAAAAAAHR!!” he roared (Wildedge: 2600 Attack Points)

“FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!!” Syrus shouted!

“But he’s STILL too weak!” Nightshroud reminded.

“SCREW that, I’m still showin’ you what puts Wildedge at the EDGE of bein’ WILD…”

“BOO,” someone said.

“…by activating Skyscraper!!”

“… Oh boy.” Buildings sprouted instantaneously!

“And thanks to my Skyscraper, you’re gonna be SCRAPIN’ your dragons off the pavement!” Jaden warned. (Wildedge: 3600 Attack Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“Kill them to the N-th degree!!” Jaden ordered!

“Huh?” someone said.

 

And here’s the clincher: Wildedge summoned his ten-foot long, one-handed broadsword. He held it high and charged at his opponents! “I-impossible,” Nightshroud stammered, “HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HOLD SUCH A SWORD ONE-HANDED?!?!”

LIKE THIS!!” Wildedge stopped running when he was a good distance away from the three dragons. Then he held his blade to his side, horizontally, and focused his energy, effectively lengthening his sword a good forty feet magically.

“SUPER-FRIGGIN AWESOME!!” Syrus screamed!

“HARGH!!” He swiped them with the sword once. It beheaded the three monsters instantly.

“And… that’s game…” Jaden fainted again.

“Wow, that really was… hardcore…” Nightshroud’s chest started spewing out a fountain of high-pressure blood! (Nightshroud: 0 Life Points, Game Over) “Ngh… uhh…” He fell to his knees. At that, giant flaming pillars of doom started shooting out from the floating magic circle! “GAAAAAAH!!” Nightshroud yelled, being burned alive.

“Oh no, GUYS!” Alexis worried.

“AAAHH!!” the barrier-people screamed, also consumed.

“Are they okay?!” But Alexis couldn’t think about that, because she too, and Jaden, were then captured by the blazing inferno.

 

They all re-appeared magically around the mouth of the volcano.

“Woah, are we all okay?” asked Syrus.

“Yeah, thank goodness for magic!” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“Not EVERYONE’S okay!” Nancy Wut cried, pointing to Alexis, who was lying on the ground!

“No, I’m fine,” she said, standing up again.

“Good,” Angry McArgue sighed.

“Where’s Jaden and Nightshroud?” Koala Ko Ala asked.

“Not EVERYONE’S okay!” Nancy Wut cried, pointing to Jaden, who was lying on the ground!

“*SNORE*” Jaden snored.

“No, he’s just sleeping,” Alexis said.

“Good,” Syrus sighed.

“Not EVERYONE’S okay!” Nancy Wut cried, pointing to a Duel Monsters card lying on the ground! Alexis picked it up. It had Nightshroud’s domino mask on it, covered in chains.

“Well, at least he’s sealed in another dimension,” Alexis said.

“Good,” Mann McOldsmobile sighed.

“Not EVERYONE’S okay!” Nancy Wut cried, pointing to Nightshroud’s body, which was lying on the ground!

“Gosh darnit, Nancy, stop saying that!” Alexis said, walking over to the guy and flipping him over.

“Ngh… mmm…” the guy moaned, opening his eyes and still bleeding, “…A …Alexis? Angry? Nancy?”

HOLY BUTTMUNCH!!!

 

“Did somebody just say, ‘buttmunch’?” Bastion asked, as he led the charge of himself, Chazz and Zane to the rescue!

“Yeah, she did for some reason,” Angry McArgue pointed out. “Who IS that guy any—IT’S ATTICUS!!”

“Who?” Chazz asked. “And what happened to Jaden?”

“He fainted after taking some grievous bodily damage,” Koala Ko Ala said. “He won though, and it was an awesome battle of epic proportions, filled with lava, dragons, dragons MADE of lava, and fifty-foot one-handed broadswords.”

“Wait, did she say ‘Atticus’?” Nancy Wut investigated.

“So is that him, the Shadow Rider?” Zane asked, following her. “Alexis?” Alexis, Nancy Wut and Angry McArgue were all hugging the defeated guy.

“Zane, Zane!” Alexis happily cried! “It’s him, it’s REALLY him!”

 

“Are you talking about…?! Who IS that?” Zana asked like a dumbass.

“Just look at his face, Zane!” Alexis said. “It’s my brother…” DUN-DUN DUUUUN!!

“… and my father…” Angry McArgue continued. DUN-DUN DUUUUN!!

“… and my SON!” Nancy Wut concluded! DUN-DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!

“He’s finally back…”

“No… friggin’… way…” Syrus whispered. “They actually DO share a family member like that?!”

“It’s really Atticus,” Zane gasped. The sun began to rise.

“He was the host for that evil mask, Nightshroud, and when he was absorbed by that card, he turned back to normal!” Alexis explained! “He’s finally… back…”

“And if this is how it is after you WIN a duel, just think about what happens if you LOSE,” Zane narrated. “The sun may rise now, but night will fall again soon, and when it does, we must be ready...”

“Shut up, Zane, being all depressing and stuff! You didn’t even DO anything!” Koala Ko Ala said.

 

**********

 

“Alright, you guys,” somebody said, “get ready to move. Nightshroud’s gone, so you’d better make up for his losses.”

“Understood.”

“Got it.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Alright.

“I see.”

“…”

“Is something wrong, Mr. Seventh Member?”

“… No. All good things must come to an end sometime…”

“Good. So you guys, wait for further commands and move out.”

“Got it.” And so, the remaining Seven Stars became ready for their counter-attack.

 

It would be devastating.

 

Maybe.

 

 

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Alright here, I'm posting the new episode. Here you go.

 

[spoiler=Episode 54: The School Duel - Part One]Jaden, Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile plopped down in front of the television. "Boy, I sure hope somethin' ZANY comes on!" Jaden loudly and proudly announced.

 

"...It's al-right, 'cause I'm saved by the bi-ig house!" sang the theme tune to this particular program. Zany bright colors and zigzags floated across the screen.

 

"What was that about Big House?" Mann McOldsmobile cupped his hand around one ear.

"Who cares? Looks poppin'! Let's keep watchin'!" Jaden pumped up the volume.

"Oh! I've heard about this!" Syrus realized. "It's that Big House spinoff-slash-general sitcom ripoff! I'm still pretty confused about the time when we dueled them, but still, we can't miss this! WE CANNOT MISS THIS!!"

 

As the piano solo ended, the title Saved by the Big House appeared! "It's al-right, cuz I'm-a saved by the Big Hoooooooooooooouse-uh!"

We met up with characters Allen and Lavi standing around in the hall as a short-yet-funky tune played to ease us into the environment. "So Lavi," Allen said, looking muscular enough to have his sleeves ripped off, "the science project's due today. Do you have anything for it?"

"Yeah, just give me a second," Lavi said worriedly, digging through his pocket to studio laughter. He pulled out a quarter, to even MORE laughter. "This thing has a president on it. HE'S science."

"Oh, Lavi," Allen said with a smile. "I've got this project in the bag. I did a week-long study on my biceps, man."

"I can see that," Lavi said, looking quite disturbed. People laughed.

 

Kanda and Lenalee (wearing a curly light brown wig) hustled over. "Hey, guys!" Lenalee said with a smile. Kanda mouthed the words along with her, looking sullen.

"Hey, guys!" Allen and Lavi waved to their friends.

Lenalee put on her straight-haired brown wig just in time to hug Kanda and say, "Us two made our science project together!"

"Well, what is it?" Lavi wondered.

"It's about dating," Kanda answered, and bluntly enough to kill the punchline completely and utterly for the audience.

"And what about you, Lenalee A?" Allen inquired.

She swapped wigs. "I played music to plants. Oddly enough, they grow best after listening to polka music." This evoked mild laughter.

 

"Polka? I LOVE polka!" announced Krory, running in with a large and presumably heavy backpack. His appearance ALWAYS made the crowd start howling!

"You do!?" the hip young people gasped!

"Yep! Glad the plants like it, too!" He nodded curtly.

"Hey, uh, Krory, what's in the bag?" Lavi asked.

"Nothing, just my science project."

"Cool, what is it?" Lenalee 1 asked.

"It's my robot, Jake. Wanna see him, Kanda?" he asked, speaking in a designated-love-interest-like fashion.

"Ew. No." Kanda backed away, commanding laughs and hilarity.

"Wow, your project sounds awesome!" Allen said, being awfully enthusiastic about it.

"I sure hope it does! And I'll keep it safe-" Krory gave some random locker a hardy pat. "-right in my locker!" Krory opened it (was there even a lock on that thing?) and was barely able to stuff the massive bookbag in. The studio audience positively guffawed!

"Yeah, safe..." Lavi rubbed his chin deviously.

"Lavi!" Lenalee A snapped. "You're not thinking of stealing Krory's project to replace your own horrible one, are you!?"

"I would NEVER do that," he assured, and he showed her the quarter. "My science project's right here."

"You're gonna steal it, aren't you." Man, the audience was in stitches!

 

"Attention, students!" a voice said over the intercom.

"Principal Komui!" Krory named this voice, spinning on his heel to face the nearest speaker.

"This is your morning announcements, so all of you lovely ladies and handsome gentlemen, don't miss 'em! Lunch today is mashed potatoes. That's it. Don't like it? Well too bad, because all Wednesday every Wednesday it's Mashed Potato Wednesday!"

"It is!?" a nearby Johnny Gil gulped.

"It is now!" Komui answered! "And IF you don't like it, you can just drop out and join that nasty dreadful Noah Ark Academy!"

"W-w-WOAHuHOHAHOH!" Johnny skidaddled.

"Aaaaand if anybody's late for class, I'll stomp you out! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" The announcements ended.

"Mr. Komui's acting weird today, huh, Kanda?" Lavi remarked.

"I'm not playing a girl."

"How about you, Krory? Aren't you with me on this?"

"I dunno, I thought he seemed normal." The crowd laughed at the freaky look he gave the camera.

"Maybe he just needs to get back on medication," Lenalee 1 said sarcastically. She put on her brown wig. "Lenalee 1, don't be that way! I'm sure he's a sweet man, medication or not!"

"Girl, this is your PRINCIPAL you're talking about!" Lavi said, stunned by her words. The audience was crackin' up like eggs underfoot.

"It might not just be a couple of pills," Allen said. "Shouldn't we all try and get to the bottom of this?"

All together: "...Nah!" The crowd screamed with laughter!

Then the intercom came back on! "Now, get to class," he demanded coldly. All the students yelped and hightailed it out of there!

 

Jaden, Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile looked at each other, speechless.

"This is so much worse than Big House," Syrus said.

"No way, yo! This is the exact same quality!" Jaden scoffed.

"What are you getting at!?"

Mann McOldsmobile sighed. "People..."

 

The scene shifted to the science classroom. As with all classes, every single one of our five main character kids was there. Bookman was the bored-looking teacher. "Hey there, Ms. Bookman," Lenalee 1 greeted as she walked in.

"I am not a female character,' he snapped.

"Hey Bookster," Krory said.

Bookman sighed, causing the audience to applaud. As soon as everyone was in his or her respective seat, he got down to business. "We're going to have our boring class for a while, and then you students'll present your projects."

I'm so glad Lavi didn't have a chance to steal anything, Lenalee A thought. Like, he USUALLY does that!

Man, and I was itching to see Lavi steal something! Allen thought, and people laughed.

"C-can I go to the bathroom?" Lavi asked, raising his hand in the middle of Bookman's bor-r-ring class.

Bookman sighed. "Not right now-"

"Oh, cool, thanks!" He ran away.

The old teacher shook his head. "What's with kids these days? Hasty, disobedient..."

"Really eager to go to the bathroom..." Krory chimed in. Strangely, the audience laughed. What's with that?

 

Anyways, Lavi practically ran out the door and slammed it shut, panting. "Phew! Now, I gotta make this quick!" He started to run toward the bathroom before he stopped himself. "Wait, what the heck am I doing? I've got a science project to steal!" Lavi easily found Krory's ready-to-explode locker and started digging through his endless pocket again. "Okay, what would help me break into his locker... Skeleton key? No..." He threw a key away, to massive laughter. "Overly large hammer? No..." Revealing a comically-impossibly-huge hammer made everyone laugh even more. "Flamethrower? Now THERE'S an idea I can get behind! Let's FIRE it up!" The flamethrower obliterated the door, causing Krory's backpack to fall to the floor.

"Success!" Lavi cheered before haphazardly tossing the flamethrower away, reminding the laughing crowd of how charmingly stupid he was. "Now to present his project to the class as my own. Wait...if I have to present this...and Krory's in my class...WHAT AM I STEALING FOOOORRRR!?!? Then, he snapped his fingers. "Hold up! I have a plan."

 

"...And that's the chart! My arm muscles REALLY GREW A LOT, huh?" Allen said to his peers.

"He's so handsome!" Lenalee 1 sighed.

"He's disgusting," Kanda said truthfully.

"That was terrible, Allen, but I'm required by law to give you a B," Bookman said, getting applause.

"Off the chain. Thanks, Ms. Bookman!" Allen said, taking his poster back to his desk with him.

"I'm not a -- ah, who's listening at this point. Next project." Somebody knocked on the door! "Lenalee A, you go get it. It must be Lavi..."

Curly-haired Lenalee opened the door to reveal..Komui! "Principal Komui!?" she gasped.

"Rightio!" he chimed. "So how're you doin', my fine young lass?" Komui said suavely.

".....Get away from me."

"Oh, the principal," Bookman said, unamused. "What brings you here."

"He's here to help me bring out my project!" Krory explained.

"But that's stupid!" Allen said. "YOU brought it to school!"

"Which is why I don't wanna lift it again!" People laughed s'more.

"Come on! Flex those pecs!" Allen pressured.

"True story," Komui admitted whilst rubbing Lenalee A's head.

"Are you doing that unconsciously?" she said, visibly annoyed.

"Doing what?" Oooooh, what a zinger!

"So just give me a moment, pretty please!" Krory begged Bookman.

"Well. I don't know."

"Principal's orders!" Komui warned, waggling a finger.

"By all means!" Bookman decided to let them go after all. They fled like pigeons from a candy store.

 

And JUST as they left, Lavi entered!

"Hey, Lavi," Kanda said, waving. "We were ALL wondering what took you so long," he grumbled sarcastically.

"You gotta do what you gotta do!" Lavi said with a delightful shrug. And the crowd erupted into laughter!

"Who's presenting next?" Bookman asked the class, returning to his desk.

"I will!" Lavi volunteered ecstatically! "I've got a killer of a science project."

"Everyone, quiet! Back to your seats! Lavi, show us your...killer project," Bookman said, doubtful.

Lavi held his arm straight out to the crowd, holding a coin. "This, my friends...is a quarter!"

Everyone had a horrified expression.

"GREETINGS. I AM JAKE," an electronic voice claimed.

Everyone started clapping!

"And that was my project! Thank you, thank you." He started bowing all over the place.

"That was horrible. You seem to not have an explanation for this dreadful project, but I am required by law to give you an A," Bookman stated.

"WOO!" the class raved.

Only Lenalee A was getting suspicious. Jake is the name of Krory's project! Ugh! I KNEW he was up to SOMEthing!

As Lavi hustled back to his desk, Krory and Komui heaved an 80's-style robot of some sort in on their backs. They slammed it down in front of the class panting. "Ready to present, sir!" Krory said, saluting weakly. What a crowd pleaser.

"You better make this quick," Komui said, twitching with pain.

"Oh, I will! This here's Jake, and I made him myself! Press this here button, a-and he talks!" He hammered a glaring red button on Jake's chest in, causing a small-scale smoky explosion.

 

...The smoke cleared, revealing that nothing had been harmed or moved in any way whatsoever.

Bookman waved a dusty old book around and coughed. "If this weren't a TV show I would definitely give that an A for effort. But, as it stands, F."

"What!? But teach, that's not how it's supposed to go!" Krory cried, tears streaming down his face. "He was supposed to talk! What happened?!"

"Like I said, if it weren't a TV show." Bookman shrugged with indifference.

"I thought the explosion was pretty good," Lenalee 1 admitted.

"I'm taking this infernal device straight to my office!" Komui said, heaving with anger...and effort as he began to shove Jake out the door.

Krory leaped in the air with his arms flailing as he yelped, "NUUUUU!!"

"I feel for you, buddy," Allen said, hugging him too tight.

Krory sniffled. "Can I get a hug from Kanda, too?" he said, choking.

"Ihh!" Kanda flinched humorously.

"But I need one, since I worked all week on that project!"

Kanda shoved someone else his way. "You need a hug from Lavi."

"I didn't steal it," Lavi said as he staggered backward into a desk.

"Steal what?" Bookman said, raising an eyebrow.

"Didn't steal the vital part of the robot which made it explode?"

"Oh. That's great news," he said with a trusting smile. The audience applauded the performance. 'But would you all sit down already? Real classrooms don't function like this."

 

The scene changed the Standard Hallway, with all five characters standing around within it. "Who could have ruined Krory's project?!" Lenalee 1 screeched with panic. "It HAS to be Lavi," Lenalee A countered.

"No way, man!" Allen and Lavi shook their heads voraciously.

"It's no use now," Krory said dramatically. "The project's already gone. There's no hope! I'll fail the whole class and then...and then.....and then-"

Kanda slapped him in the face. "Get ahold of yourself," he demanded.

"OoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH," the crowd howled.

"What was romantic about that!?"

"YOU didn't steal it," Lenalee A said, "did you?"

"I would never. I hate Krory, but...I don't hate him THAT much." The laughs popped like a pan of Jiffy Pop...except with laughs.

"You know what I find suspicious?" Lavi said.

"No. What?" the teens said in unison.

"I think it's strange that Lenalee A is the only one trying to get really involved in the case. Almost as if she's...hiding something."

"You're the one with a quarter for a project!" she cried.

"Maybe I wouldn't have had a quarter for a project...IF YOU DIDN'T STEAL MY ORIGINAL PROJECT AND CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN!!"

"WHAT!?!?"

"I was working with her the whole time," Kanda said. "It was strictly a team operation!"

"Why didn't you accuse us earlier?"

"I was waiting for the perfect moment to reveal it, ya FRAUDS!!"

"It's not your project!" Lenalee A argued.

"Got any proof?"

"Well, you DO like dating a lot," Allen figured. "I'm on your side, Lavi!"

"This isn't solving anything!" Lenalee 1 sobbed fakely. "I don't even know where Krory went!"

"Wha?" Everybody started looking around and getting worried.

From not far off, the vampire guy stared into a dark stairway. "Is this supposed to be on the set?"

"Kroryyyyy! Get back here!" Lenalee 1 said. In a harsh whisper the audience could easily hear she added, "We're not supposed to be improvising!"

"Oooooooooh," the crowd said, as if about to add, "I'm telling!"

"Let's...investigate!" Krory roared.

"You're awful enthusiastic," Allen said, and they proceeded to walk up the mysterious stairs of destiny.

 

The Big House Brigade marched up a spiraling staircase, one just wide enough for them all to stand shoulder-to-shoulder comfortably. "We're goin' up stairs, we're goin' up stairs, we're goin' up staaaaairs~" Krory sang.

"And nobody cares!" Lavi slapped him upside the head.

"Ow! That wasn't even a stage slap!" Krory rubbed his aching face. "Seriously, man!" Lenalee and Kanda stared, and then decided they would be having no part of that.

No matter what happens, stay in character, Allen told himself.

A circular, red-orange, one-eyed creature waddled down the steps (with accompanying boss battle music). It shot a slow-moving, whiplike beam Allen's way.

"Aah!" He ripped out a rifle and shot it, causing it to explode into a starry cloud of smoke. "Okay, what the hell. This kind of thing would never happen in the show."

"Yeah?" Lenalee threw her wigs on the ground. "Well, it does now."

"Do we still have to act?" Krory said, presently holding onto Kanda's leg.

"No," Kanda said bitterly.

"Yes!" Lavi contended.

"You can act if you want to. Krory, you better still be in-character."

"I'm sorry there's no love between us." He let go.

"Everybody get their weapons, first of all," Lenalee commanded. The other unarmed troops pulled out a flamethrower, a rolled-up posterboard, and a goldfish corpse. "What the -- I meant Innocence!"

"It feels like all of our ordinary zany weapons are disabled here, or something dumb like that," Allen said.

"How...odd." Using all her might Lenalee generated...some heavy boots. "Huh." She had no choice but to use her shoes as punching gloves.

"So...did you hear about Johnny Gil? He got fired!" Krory said to Lavi. "I mean, expelled!"

"Get outta town!"

"Stop talking about stupid stuff!" Kanda yelped. He bopped them both on the head with a posterboard. "We're at the top." Truth be told, they now faced a terrifying principal's office. The office was totally steel and all-out shiny, sans the window behind the principal's desk. And the principal...was Komui.

He turned to face them, seated at a stainless steel desk. "Hey, all! You're not supposed to be here."

"Stop adding unnecessary set pieces!" Allen cried.

"Set pieces? HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" He let loose a high-pitched and HORRIFYING laugh. "You do know that this whole set is a fully-functioning Big House, don't you?"

"Say it isn't so!" Krory cried.

"Maybe!"

"Great, now he's messing with us!" The studio audience laughed. "Are we still on camera?"

"Of course!" Komui said with a catlike grin. "How else would I be able to capture your screams of agony for the enjoyment of others?"

"Then you must be the cause of all this," Kanda said coldly. "Take this!" He tried to smack him in the face with the poster, but Komui effortlessly swayed to the side of his attack! "And what are you guys waiting for?" he said with frustration, leaping on the principal's sparkly new desk and still unable to strike a blow.

"I'll help! Unh!" Lenalee threw a boot, which ended up shattering through the window. "...Just stop it, Komui! I'm your sister! You have to listen to me!"

"But I don't have to listen to you, because..." Komui slapped Kanda away right before transforming into the Millenium Earl! "I'M NOT KOMUI!!"

"Ah!" Lenalee flinched.

"Say it isn't SO!!!" Kanda leaped back onto the desk and gave the Millenium Earl a slap on the cheek.

"Eee hee~. That tickles."

"It won't if I do it enough times!" He slapped wildly, but only managed to painlessly rearrange his face.

"So," the Earl continued despite Kanda's efforts, "ever wonder what happened to your science project, Krory?"

"It's not his project!" Lavi defended. "It's just a prop."

"Hey!" Krory yelped.

Suddenly the machine dropped from a hole in the ceiling, landing next to the Earl! "Ah! Here it is!" he exclaimed, fiddling around with a key all of a sudden. "Jake lived such a full life (INSERT HEART SYMBOL HERE)"

"Don't!" Krory stumbled forward.

"Hold on!" Allen roared. "It's just a crappy prop! What could it possibly do to us?"

 

A keyhole nobody noticed before was on the robot's face, ready for key-related action. The Millenium Earl slooowly reached over and staaarted to tuuurn the keeey. The robot began to shake, and quake, and then it EXPLODED, revealing two statue-looking beings many times larger than their old container! They looked like the exact same detailed marble sculpture, only one was green and the other red!

"Say hello to the Spectrum Men!" the Earl introduced with a flourish. The statues posed. "And to think your "crappy prop" would become so useful to me!"

"Oh. My. Gosh," Lavi said in shock. "These are the worst excuses for lackeys I have ever seen from you."

"Quiet or they'll get serious," Kanda warned, standing by his side now.

"Spectrum Men, attack!" the Earl commanded, pointing dramatically at Lavi. The statues nodded with the same old expressionless faces. They started running, one from behind Lavi and one from the front, ready to collide stupidly! Lavi slipped easily past their huge legs and caused them to hit each other and fall over backwards. Soon they stood up again, and started running around aimlessly. "...At least they're indestructible!"

"Yeah, but there's no point in destructing them," Lenalee revealed.

"D'oh!"

"Well, he's not bothering to take us out on his own," Allen said. "He's just kind of…sitting there." He reloaded his gun. "This is my last bullet. I'll make this count.” Allen pulled the trigger.

As he did, a SECOND Millenium Earl barrel-rolled through the massive window behind Komui-Earl! Earl-2 pushed the principal onto the floor, holding him down by the arms! In the process, his ear was shot straight through!

"You got him...?" Krory looked just as confused as everyone else.

"So much for this thing." Allen lobbed the gun out the shattered window.

"Who are you supposed to be!?" the pinned-down, otherwise unharmed Earl gasped. "YOU MUST BE MY...my...self from the future? Evil twin? Guy in a costume?"

"You, sir, are a FRAUD!!" the second Earl shouted, launching spittle into his face. He released his grip, only to start to try and choke the other!

"YOU'RE a fraud!" And they got into a big, pointless choking fight.

"...Uh..." Kanda shrugged. "Where do we go from here?"

The Spectrum Men stopped in their tracks. They scurried over to the second Earl, rummaged around in his pockets with their oversized hands, and found a gleaming yellow triangle! Sensing the presence of other pieces of the Triforce in their pastel stone bodies, it began to morph into the third Spectrum Man...! Now they were a complete trio of red, green, and yellow! They posed, and then they started running around in a circle.

"Let's just go back downstairs and pretend this never happened," Lavi said. The teams mumbled words of agreement and began heading back.

 

BUT THEN, the Spectrum Men began to speed up. Soon they were running around the Earls at several thousand miles an hour! And when they were just a blurry ring, they began to transform into an even more colossal statue! Somehow the force of their "transformation impact" sent everyone flying through the air, approaching the white box-shaped Noah Ark Academy! They all landed on a freakin' huge roof, immediately on their feet. Not far from the main characters stood a man not quite black, not quite gray, but...something in between.

“It’s finally here!” The second Millenium Earl cried! “It’s… IT’S THE D.GRAY-MAAAAAN!!” The entire audience applauded as hard as they could, as they now truly knew the meaning of the series.

The ‘original’ Earl seemed to grow bored now from this sudden revelation."Screw this!" Old Principal Earl said. "I'm just using my UMBRELLA GUN!!" He shot holes through the other Earl's stomach until he looked like Swiss cheese. The battered Earl deflated slowly, accompanied by an appropriate sound effect, until some guy was left standing underneath the rubber remains.

 

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!?" screamed every other character in the immediate area (excluding the big statue)!

"You'd best hold your fire, Mr. Millenium Earl," he said, glasses sparkling.

"Why should I?(HEART SYMBOL HERE)" The Earl (probably) fired...and the bullet bounced right off of Komui's glasses, instead jamming his umbrella! “B-BUT… I WAS ALWAYS THE EARL!!”

“Nope,” Komui explained, “I knew you had taken my form as a disguise from the beginning of the series. So, in anticipation, I disguised as YOU, doing several terrible Earl-like deeds in preparation for this very day!”

“BUT HOW!?!? HOW CAN ONE ANTICIPATE SUCH A COMPLETELY CRAZY STORYLINE?!?!"

"Simple. Uh...nyehh..." He shrugged and kind of waved his arms a bit.

The umbrella started to bulge. "No...NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!" He tossed it away, but it was too late. The umbrella erupted into a mini black hole, which sucked the Millenium Earl in and promptly disappeared.

"Now the world is completely safe!" Lavi cried joyously The audience whistled and wooted. "How the heck are people watching this?"

"Why were you disguised as the Millenium Earl?" Lenalee questioned, shedding a lone tear.

"Why am I still holding this thing? Blecch!" Krory said in regards to the rotting goldfish he now held between two fingers. He threw it at the unmoving statue.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA," went studio laughter.

"Seriously, stop," Allen said to Krory, stern-faced.

"But Allen, people are WATCHING! They might STOP watching if I don't keep acting silly!"

"People DO watch for the dry humor and horrible story flow," Lenalee figured.

"Hey! I’m the real freakin' Komui here, and all you care about is you dumb sitcom?"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Kanda demanded. Everyone's attention was directed at him. "The statue thing's moving slightly. Wasn't anyone even paying attention? Krory's the one who agitated it!"

"I didn't do it! He shrugged at the viewers.

Allen said, "Guys! The thing's already got-"

"OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

He turned to Kanda. "I am not trying to steal your man, okay?"

"KRORY IS NOT MY MAN," Kanda said, irritated.

"OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"The audience wants to know how YOU feel now, Krory!" Komui chirped.

"I just said there's no love between us a scene or two ago!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOO"

"I wonder how the ratings will change if we have our first male-male relationship..." Komui daydreamed.

"BUT I'M ALREADY A -- look, Allen, WOULD YOU STOP SAYING STUPID THINGS!?!?"

"It's not my fault you got cast that way!" Allen retorted. "Your hair-"

"OH, SO IT'S THE HAIR, HUH!?!?"

"Oh, sorry," Lenalee interrupted," I couldn't hear Lavi's DEATH THROES over YOU AND THE STUDIO AUDIENCE."

Lavi's spine was slowly, slowly being split in half between the statue's four meaty fingers. "Bleh!" was all he could say as blood exploded out of his mouth.

"How do we destroy that thing?"

Komui suddenly appeared behind Lenalee's back. "There's only one way to destroy a Spectrum Man...and that's FROM THE INSIDE OUT." Everyone gasped again! "So we need to destroy the Triforce in the D. Gray Man's core!"

"DADOOM-CHIK," went a drumset.

"That must be what the whole series was building up to!" Allen cried.

"Awesome," said Kanda.

"I'll volunteer," Lenalee volunteered, "no matter how disgusting it sounds!"

"Lenalee, wait!" Allen said, grabbing her arm. "You've still got a boot on your hand."

"Oh." She tossed it away, possibly hitting something in the process. Then, she ran over to the D. Gray Man with her arms flailing! "Hey, three-sevenths Spectrum Man? Come and eat me or something!"

"OOH," a deep voice uttered from within the being's hearty core.

"You've finally come to save me!" Lavi shouted, both eyes gleaming somehow. "Looks like I'm really gonna-" The D. Gray Man tossed him far, far away. He left a bloody trail through the sky as he went.

"Make a wish!" Krory joked. The audience cracked up.

"Hold on, kids," Komui said, about to jump off the edge of Noah Ark Academy. "I'm gonna go get the probably-dead Lavi!"

"Have fun with that!"

"OOH." The giant crouched down and grabbed Lenalee with his bloodstained hand. And then he ate her.

 

"WWWOOOOOOOOOOOAH!" she yelped, tumbling down through the oddly-realistic-but-oversized throat of the D. Gray Man. Lenalee abruptly landed (on her feet) in a box-shaped room, wherein the Triforce levitated just above the floor.

Do I...take it? she thought. With a shrug she bent down and picked it up. In a flash the room evolved into a box-shaped cockpit, complete with airplane-like gauges and equipment! Oh. Well, I guess so. Maybe I'm supposed to pilot this thing. Lenalee grabbed a few random handles and started shaking them about at random!

 

The D. Gray Man tripped off the edge of the building, landing on the ground with a thump. The remaining three members of our outstanding gang ran over to the edge and looked down. "Lenalee!" Allen cried out to her. "Are you in there? Are you okay!?"

"What do you think? She's in a rock-hard stomach," Kanda retorted.

"Yeah! Exactly! And he-she-it-both isn't moving! Whatever's going on, I just don't want Lenalee to have any part of it!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

The Noah Ark Academy began shaking, as if there were an earthquake taking place! The Big House Brigade fell several hundred feet down onto the grass, falling flat on their faces. As they and the D. Gray Man regained footing, they came face-to-face with a two-legged, two-armed, giant fighting Noah Ark Academy. The limbs looked pretty frail, being thin as wire...but they still worked.

"Let's ride on the statue's back to safety!" Krory suggested, clinging onto the three-sevenths Spectrum Man's foot.

"No!" Kanda said, dishing out a slap.

Suddenly the D. Gray Man got ready for some REAL action, sprouting laser cannons from its back and aiming them at the large cube! "Say goodbye, I guess!" Lenalee said from inside. A barrage of maroon lasers crashed through the windows of the schoolhouse, sending glass shards onto all of your favorite cast members! They began to run around screaming as blood cruised out from their veins. "I hope that worked," she said to herself, not able to hear or see much besides whatever the belly button was currently aimed at. The Noah Ark Academy started stomping around in anger.

 

But then, yet another new challenger approached...and it was the Big House! It looked something like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, only not leaning...and with equally-frail arms and legs! It also came with huge bat wings, which it used to fly into the arena with! "TAKE THIS!!" the face on the Big House's massive doors shouted, shooting out a huge laser from its mouth! The beam traced a buring line on the ground, which the Noah Ark Academy effortlessly dodged and the D. Gray Man tripped out of the way of.

Lenalee, after dscovering that there were way too many controls to count, found a microphone. "Hey, everyone!" she said into it. "Get in here! We can all control this thing together!"

"Get in THAT stupid thing?!" Kanda bellowed, running away with the rest of the gang. "I'd rather die in a hole!"

"Waugh!" Krory sobbed. He kept repeating it like a broken record.

"It's our only hope, y'all!" Allen started to pull them all closer to the D. Gray Man, who scooped them up and ate them in one fell swoop.

The flying Big House and Noah Ark Academy got into a fistfight, creating shockwaves of wild red power! "Take this, a-and this! Rah!" the gatekeeper face said as the tower punched through both windows at once! "Don't like that, do ya?!"

 

From inside the Noah Ark's own control room-slash-principal's office, Johnny Gil took out a loudspeaker of his own! "NO! I DON'T! I REALLY DOOOOOOOOOOOON'T!!" He ripped every shard of glass off from his body, bleeding profusely but somehow still standing! “THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE THE SECRET EVIL PRICIPAL IF I GET COVERED IN FREAKING GLASS?!?!”

Big House stuck its hand in again and removed Johnny from the controls, immobilizing Noah Ark Academy! The schoolhouse brought Johnny Gil up to the final floor, dangling him by the collar several stories off the ground. "Say your prayers, Noah Ark boy," Komui said with a vile grin.

 

"Allen, you control the feet! Kanda, take the arms! Krory, take the head! I'll control the stomach, since that's the only way we can get a visual for some reason!"

"Got it," the guys nodded, each of them sitting in fashionable stone chairs.

"And together we make...THE BIG HOUSE BRIGADE MINUS LAVI INSIDE OF THE D. GRAY MAN!!" The statue made a crazy, over-the-top pose of some sort! The head shook around a bit, too.

"Let's put an end to this, once and for all!" Allen said, pumping his fist. "I'm moving in!" He pushed a couple of pedals and buttons, causing the statue-robot to jog.

"Aim for the Big House's base!" Kanda yelled.

"Wait, we're DESTROYING Big House!?" Krory gasped. "But we've produced so many episodes there...I can hardly bear to see it go..."

"We kill it or it kills us, stupid!" Kanda yelled again. Moving a bunch of levers pushed one arm back into a fist ready to punch!

"Initiating mobile view mode," Lenalee said as she found a conveniently-named button. The belly button of the D. Gray Man stretched out into a video camera-like device, quite disturbingly, and broadcast a clear image of Winged Big House on a large monitor. "Oh, um...there it is. ATTAAAAAAAAAAACK!!" All of the crew members started screaming and moving random levers and mashing random buttons and smashing random pedals!

Kanda turned to the left, spotting a swiftly moving D. Gray Man! "Hunh!?"

"Move already!" Gatekeeper declared, sweating profusely.

Just as Allen made the jump and Kanda aimed the fist, the statue's eyes started glowing and the D Gray Man flew backward! "WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!?" the team roared simultaneously.

"Sorry," Krory said timidly. "I must have pressed this Reverse Laser Vision button by mistake.

"Really?" Kanda grumbled. "Start again. Krory, don't do ANYTHING."

Komui said to Gatekeeper through a microphone, "Target the D. Gray Man instead. It's an easier target."

"But what about Noah Ark?"

"What about Noah Ark?"

"Hyah!" Johnny did a triple-backflip into the Noah Ark Academy, narrowly avoiding death's grasp!

"Great, you let him get away!"

"EXACTLY."

"Wha?"

"Now," Johnny said from the control room, "to perform my special move...the SUPER FINAL FORM GEOGRAPHICAL CANNON!!"

"Laser blast." D. Gray Man shot two short yellow lasers from its eyes and landed on Noah Ark Academy, causing it to create several small, violent explosions.

"What?" Kanda said. "I said not to do ANYTHING, Krory. Now you're trying to take away everyone else's jobs."

"Good job, Krory!" Lenalee said with a smile. "Although I think you just killed Johnny."

"Thanks?" he said, sniffling.

"Maybe if you'd all be a little more adamant about your respective positons you'd get to cause massive explosions, too," she added.

"So true," Krory agreed -- just as the D. Gray Man exploded and they all landed feet-first onto the parking lot!

 

"NOW I HAVE THE BIG HOUSE BRIGADE RIGHT WHERE I WANT THEM!" Komui shouted from the principal's office! "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"So you were evil all along?" Lenalee said, shockingly lacking emotion.

"I did what I had to do," Komui said, somehow able to hear them from so far off, "and that was HAVE THE D. GRAY MAN DESTROYED FROM WITHIN."

"But we controlled it from within!"

"And that was necessary for the Triforce to stop controlling it!"

"Therefore practically destroying its CPU and allowing dangerous data to flow out!" Gatekeeper added.

"What?"

"Did it ever occur to you that we were INSIDE of that thing, and that we could have gotten seriously INJURED?!" Allen said.

"No...because I believe in you!"

"Oh, Komui!" Lenalee said with tears in her eyes. And they were tears...OF JOY!!

"I'm so glad we made it through this," Allen said, hugging her.

"You're despicable!" Kanda threw a pebble at Big House's leg.

"Aah!" Gatekeeper gasped, looking down at the mechanical limb. "You broke mah leg! But whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?" Slowly the Big House started to crumble, until within speechless minutes it was a pile of dust blown away in the wind.

"...Is Komui dust now?" Krory asked.

"Probably," Kanda said.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH."

Kanda squinted his eyes at the camera.

 

The same guy who sang the theme song said, "Next time on Saved by the Big House!"

"You're going with Komui to the prom!?" Allen asked Kanda, astonished.

"Yes, but Lenalee 1 dared me to," Kanda dryly clarified.

In another scene, Krory was at home combining several bubbling chemicals. He poured a boiling green substance into a large cardboard box, making a small explosion of dry ice. "At last I have created a working time machine!" he said, cackling like a hyena. He stepped in...and an older version of himself soon popped out!

The announcer added, "How will Krory ever become his younger self again? And what about prom? That's what's coming up!" he repeated. "Seeya! Same Saved by the Big House time, same Saved by the Big House channel!"

 

The credits started playing, being a repeat of the theme song except without vocals. Cast was listed as follows:

"LAVI BOOKMAN as ZACHARY MORRIS

ALLEN WALKER as ALBERT CLIFFORD

ARYSTAR KRORY as SAMUEL POWERS

KANDA YU as LISA TURTLE

LENALEE LEE as JASSICA MYRTLE SPANO and KELLY KAPOWSKI

KOMUI LEE as RICHARD BELDING

MILLENIUM EARL as HIMSELF

BIG HOUSE as BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL

NOAH ARK ACADEMY as RIVAL SCHOOL

D. GRAY MAN as HIMSELF”

 

"I can honestly say that was not bad," Syrus said, rubbing his forehead.

"I can honestly say that it wasn't good," Jaden thought. "But hey, not bad either, yo."

"I thought it was pretty stupid myself," Mann McOldsmobile said. "I mean, maybe if it was all-action, the characters would really be in their element."

"But the wacky school antics were the best part!" Jaden said.

"The plot was building up to something great, but it all just fell apart at the end," Syrus said. "I feel sorry for making you guys watch it."

"Ya know, yo," Jaden said, putting an arm around his buddy Sy, "it wasn't half bad. I might even have some newfound respect for the Big House's acting talents! I mean, they made up a hizzy of a script on the spot! You're my best friend, Sy!"

"That came out of nowhere, but I'm still touched," Syrus said...and then they hugged.

"Okay, okay, so Saved by the Big House was average at best," Mann McOldsmobile said as he picked up the remote control. "Let's watch something else." He began flipping through channels.

"Breaking news: sudden tumor outbreak causes company to speak out a-"

"DIGIMON: DIGITAL STEAK SAUCE-"

"New duel disk that can cut through rice paper! It-"

"-veryone Loves Lenalee: weeknights at 8:30, right after Spongebob Squarepants...and COMING UP NEXT!"

"Eh." Mann McOldsmobile shrugged and set the control down. The television started shaking wildly! "What the hell's going on now? Does it just not want to watch this crap?" The glass caved in on itself, rendering all your favorite programs unwatchable. "Oh. Looks like WE'RE not watching any more TV today."

"I'm so sorry! I never thought it would come to this!" Syrus said, on the verge of tears.

"It's not your fault! It's Lenalee's!" Jaden turned around to the beds. "Hey, could you start repairin' the telly, yo?"

Chumley rolled over in the bottom bunk. "Huh?"

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic

Episode 54: The Graduation Match – Part One

 

Chazz sat around in his bed, staring at the ceiling. “Boss!” shouted Ojama Yellow. Chazz was unresponsive. “Boss!” No response. “Boss!”

“Chazz, you’re scarin’ me, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson cried. “Yellow’s been callin’ ya for HOURS now!”

“I reckon e’s dead,” Billy Hills grimly decided.

“No, I’m not dead, it’s just that nobody bothers to remember that Yellow even exists,” Chazz revealed, truthfully.

“Hey, I come out when I feel like it, boss!” Ojama Yellow answered matter-of-factly. “BOSS!! YOU’S ALIVE N’ KICKIN’!!”

“Listen, Billy and Dobbson,” Chazz instructed, leaping out of his bed, fully-clothed and picking up a burrito, “I have something to do today.”

“On the last day of school, I reckon?!” Billy Hills gasped.

“Yeah, I have something to take care of. Ojama Yellow’s coming with me.” Chazz took a big bite out of his burrito.

“Huh, aw, huh, but we can’t go out to our final day of class without our fearless leader! What’ll we do it Bastion n’ his crew attacks us, huh, Chazz, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Chazz said, stepping onto the doorframe with burrito cheese on his mouth, “but I’m doing this… FOR LOVE.” He slammed shut the door.

“… Fer love, I reckon?” Billy Hills wondered. “Man, the last time I reckon I fell in love, it ended in tragedy with my death!”

“Really, huh?” Deep-Voice Dobbson asked, nonbelieving.

“Yeah, I reckon you GOTTA remember THAT week.”

“Huh, I think I do, now. Crazy stuff, huh?”

“Yeah, I reckon I couldn’t find my neck ‘fer three days, ha ha!”

 

As they continued their dumb conversation, Chazz and Ojama Yellow walked out of the area surrounding the Slifer Toolshed. “Wow, Boss! A lovely sitiation! So who’s the lucky broad?”

“Are you dense?” Chazz demanded. “It’s Alexis Rhodes! Haven’t you noticed by now?”

“But I wasn’t in a whole lotta scenes, seein’ as I’m not well-respected.”

“Oh, that’s okay then. But besides, I’ve only got one more day that I have self-instructed myself to try and woo my lady until I can no longer call myself a man!”

“So whadda ya gonna do, Boss?” Ojama Yellow asked.

“I’m gonna hit the beach,” Chazz decided, pointing to the beach and a clashing wave against the cliffs nearby. “There’s only one chance I have left!”

 

And as Chazz Crowler left the Toolshed, Zane Truesdale approached a certain door and knocked politely. “Hello-yo?” Jaden greeted, opening the door. “OOOOOOH MYYYYY GOOOOOOSH, IT’S ZANE!!”

“Z-Z-Z-BROTHER?!” Syrus gasped!

Mann McOldsmobile fell out of his bed! “WHY SHOULD I CARE?!?!” he screeched in fear!

As he stepped inside, Zane mentioned, “Y’know, in my three years coming to the academy, I have not once stepped foot in this dorm. It’s nice that I finally have a reason to come out here.”

“Whadda ya’ mean, Jean?” Jaden asked. He pulled Zane over to the bed on the floor. “Take a seat, take a load off.”

Syrus handed him some frothy cocoa. “Have a drink, bro, don’t be shy.” His brother didn’t motion toward it. Syrus took Zane’s hands himself and cupped them around the mug handle. Zane dropped the cup and shattered it. “Whoops, y’dropped your cocoa.” He started sweeping it into a dustpan.

Mann McOldsmobile poured some hot water over Zane’s head and plopped some conditioner onto his hair. “Don’t worry, your conditioning’ll be done in a sec!”

“So what’s up, bro?” Syrus asked.

 

A few days ago, all of the school’s surviving seniors were gathered up in Crowler’s classroom, since there were about thirty or so left after the past four year’s carnage. They were assembled in front of a large screen, where the scores of the top ten students in the school were shown to be popping up. “I wonder how we’re going to be ranked, seeing as we really don’t have all that much work at this school!” said one guy.

10. Ricky Momo: 4 Points read the first result.

“Number ten is Ricky Momo, with a really crappy FOUR POINTS!!” Crowler announced!

“Oh, well I expected to do worse,” Ricky Momo sighed.

9. Jimmy Crackinstack: 7 Points read the second result.

“Mr. Crackinstack, you are number nine!” Crowler told!

“Well, I try,” said some kid with a blocky hairstyle.

8. Pharaoh: Toothpick Symbol

“Erm… WHAT THE HECK?!” Crowler shrieked!

“MEOW,” Pharaoh meowed, forcing several bystanders to inch away from him nervously. Pharaoh then turned away smugly and took his leave.

“Well… that was uncomfortable,” Crowler shrugged. “Here are the rest of the results.

 

7. Juniper Lee: 7.6 Points

6. Richard Scary: Dinosaur Mask

5. Humboldt Penguin: Red Ants

4. Natsu Dragneel: Jenga

3. Twisthead/Moe: 14 Points

2. Stephen Boyd: 94 Points

 

The lights suddenly dimmed and the screen took on a cheap-looking outer space background. “AAAAND THE VALIDICTORIAN OF WHATEVER THIS YEAR IIIIIIS…” Crowler screamed, building up the pressure! And so, in an old-looking effect, the name ‘ZANE TRUESDALE’ broke through the background, sending large glass-like shards flying all over the screen! ‘PLOT SIGNIFICANCE’ appeared under it. Three people clapped for him. “Ah, Zane Truesdale, would we expect anything less from you after these past few wonderful years?” Crowler sighed. “So now, you know all about tradition: as we cap off our final day of school, you get to choose your final opponent to humiliate in front of everybody! Who do you want to beat, hmm? Hmm? Hmmmmm?”

“…” said Zane, saying nothing, yet glaring menacingly as usual.

“Well, you have a few days,” Crowler said.

“Why thanks,” he thanked.

 

“Wow, so that flashback just told us everything!” Syrus said.

“I actually understood half of something for once,” Mann McOldsmobile agreed, working up a good lather on Zane’s ‘do.

“To duel you,” Zane explained with a smile.

“HUBBA-WHA?!” Jaden screeched, flipping out the window!

“Didn’t you understand it already?” Syrus asked. Jaden flipped back into the room from outside.

“Well, it was KINDA ambiguous, man,” Jaden sighed sadly.

“Yes I did,” Zane agreed.

“Okay,” Mann McOldsmobile said, scratching Zane’s scalp so as to get rid of any flaky dandruff.

“To duel you, Jaden. I’ve decided. I want you to join me at the Grad Match.”

“Aw DANG!” Jaden gasped! “How did I NOT POSSIBLY see this comin’ in the LEAST, G?!”

“Right,” Zane slyly remarked. “’Till then.” He began walking out the door with a soapy, soapy head as Mann McOldsmobile tossed a bucket of rinsing water at his head.

“Yes! I did it!” Mann McOldsmobile cheered, wiping his arms of any wetness.

“Oh,” Zane said, turning to the Reds as he stepped out, “I like your dorm. A good fit for you kids.” The door slammed shut.

 

“… AW SWEET BABY RAY’S!! THE GRAD MATCH, YO!! THIS IS GONNA BE OFF ‘DA HOOK!!” Jaden squealed!

“But didn’t he just diss us?” Syrus asked.

“I know, but I get to CAP OFF ‘DA SEASON with a DUEL against ZANE!!” Jaden shouted! “AHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!”

“But,” Mann McOldsmobile said, holding up a VHS tape, “I was lookin’ at some of the back episodes and noticed that you LOST against him, since you DID cheat by combining two effects into one with Bubbleman, the one guy everybody hates. So you’re probably gonna lose.”

“In that case,” Jaden decided, “guess I’ll just have’ta win, then!”

“But there’s no logic in that reply!” Syrus shouted! “Look, you have only a few hours at best to prepare today, and most of that time’ll be spent at an assembly! You need to FOCUS on COUNTERING him and his STRATEGIES! Or else you’ll NEVER get over it, begin to fail at school and at life, and then… BECOME A VAGABOND BUM.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Jaden chuckled, grabbing Syrus under his arm, “’cause ‘Vagabond Bum’ sounds like a SWEET title, thanks to the ‘Vagabond’ part! It’s a win-win situation, if I say so m’self!”

“You’re missing the point!” Syrus scolded!

“He’s right, but what do WE care?” Mann McOldsmobile asked. “C’mon, let’s eat breakfast!”

“There’s BEEN no breakfast ever since our Dorm Head died, remember?” Syrus reminded.

“… So what do we do now?” Mann McOldsmobile requested, at a loss of what to think.

“All we CAN do, is…” Jaden promised, “… to GET YOUR GAME ON! OUTTA SIGHT!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“That line was painful,” Syrus Sy-ed.

“I know, I just gotta do what I can to cap off ‘da scene. Let’s go to our assembly and hope that they have assorted nuts and berries in cups!”

“Yowza!” The trio dashed out of the room.

 

~MEANWHILE~

Chazz stood on the morning beach, watching the waves crash back and forth. “Woah, Boss, these waves’re so romantic!” Ojama Yellow sighed. “Was THIS the big idea?”

“That’s a terrible suggestion!” Chazz cried! He held his pointing finger outward! “Look! Look at the WAAAAAVES!! See who I am pointing to!”

“Hmm…” Ojama Yellow extended his eyestalks and craned his neck around the area. “Wait! I see’m, Boss!” And yes, there was one Atticus Rhodes, ridin’ the waves in his academy-issued uniform, holding onto two babes! He swirled around in the surf and launched his surfboard off onto the beach in front of Chazz!

“Oh, Atticus!” one swooned.

“That was aaaawesoooome,” the other agreed.

“Consider your virginity mine now, gals,” he said, approaching Chazz. “See ya!” The two girls imploded, as their purpose had been fulfilled. “So, what’s up Chazz? You were watching me, so that means you want to ask me about your love life.”

“Exactly!” Chazz agreed!

“Yo!” Ojama Yellow greeted!

“EEP! It’s HIDEOUS!!” Atticus shrieked! The poor yellow fellow teared up and threatened to cry. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know a monstrosity such as yourself would understand human speech. So spill it, Chazz. I’ve been waiting for this plot thread for about 10 episodes now.”

“I wanna date Alexis,” Chazz started, “and she only views me as a pesky idiot kid! What can I do in order to force her into a duel, proving my manly toughness?”

Such a stupid idea, Atticus thought to himself. Anyways, it’s in the Divine Script, so let’s do it. “All you gotta do is steal something super-triple important!” the ladies’ man instructed! “Just steal the Seven Spirit Keys and challenge her for them! Then watch something happen to them and not face any consequences!”

“I see!” Chazz cried out! “THAT’S A PERFECT PLAN!! Thanks, soon-to-be-bro-in-law!” He began to make his grand escape, leaving Ojama Yellow in the dust as Atticus waved with a disgusted expression.

“WAIT, BOSS! WAIT UP!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAHAHAHAAAA!!”

“Well, that’s step… forty-something,” Atticus sighed, stepping away to find some last-minute women.

 

THREE! SECONDS!! LATER!!!

Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile and just about every other non Jaden/Atticus/Chazz/Zane duelist on the island were standing in large ranks according to rank and age in the Duel Dome in front of the big fat television screen. Chancellor Shepherd’s face was being projected as always, making us yearn for the days of the second episode. Oh, where has our youth gone? “Oh boy, gang,” Shepherd sighed wistfully, “it was a great year, huh kids? We only had a relatively small number of on-screen deaths, we inserted only a few dozen random characters, and no huge dimension-tearing conflicts have happened as of yet! I believe this is a good thing, right?” A few dozen kids nodded in agreement. “So, let us just take a moment to remember all the good, exciting things that’ve happened this past year, okay?”

Hmm, Syrus thought, this WAS a pretty big year, right?

Ain’t that the truth, his hair replied mentally. Just take a second to reflect, you‘ll find it was quite amazing if you just remember for a second.

Okay, Syrus accepted. And so, he thought back to the past year.

 

He’d met several weird and amazing new kids and freakish teachers. He’d known the closest possible link between humans and koalas. He’d witnessed amazing rivalries being born and people allying themselves with super-humans with glasses, pig ears, alien hands and more. He’d believed some girl was a boy’s psychic clone in a horrifying twist. He remembered when he’d finally stood up for himself in his first big Tag-Duel, and he’d come to terms with his brother and their bond together. He’d witnessed a duel that could have meant the fate of the world… several times. He’d seen a Duel Giant turn out to be two idiots on top of each other instead of the traditional red herring. He’d met a kid who could transform into Tarzan and steal Sammiches. He’d seen so many idiots trying to do their own thing and beat people up with card games, including futuristic velociraptors and a kid trying to be Yugi. He’d seen people become stronger from their bonds with others, including himself. He’d met the manliest man in the world, and two renegade semi-evil robots aligned with some man he’d never met before. He’d been saved by serial rapist murderers in the forest. He’d come in contact with individuals with amazingly horrible backstories, and yet they became his closest friends. And, of course, he’d known Jaden Yuki, the one who would become the next Duel King.

 

Pondering over everything, he came to the decision that he was truly made a better person through all of this. He was HAPPY.

 

Some semi-peppy music began playing off the intercoms. “Okay, Chaps and Chapettes, coffee break over!” Shepherd announced, interrupting everyone. “Now, please prepare to sing the school anthem with us!” The faculty, including Ms. Dorothy, Countergirl Williams, Janitorboy Ikkaku, the old man and nasally man from the first episode, and even Kamina began doing a humiliatingly-unfunny dance in order to force some chuckles out of the students. But it didn’t work. And so, everybody took a deep breath and began to sing, whether they liked it or not.

“Hajimete anata to deatta no ha hako bakari no chiisa na rokujyoukan. Megane goshi no anata no hitomi ha kira kira kagayaiteita. Sorekara ikkagetsu asa kara ban made futari kiri, ikiru sekai ga chigau konna watashi ni anata ha yasashiku shite kureta! Gomen ne gamen kara derarenai no, watashi ha nijigen no onna no ko! donna ni kimochi ga takabutte mo anata ni furerarenai! Gomen ne honne ga kuchi ni dasenai no watashi ha nijigen no onna no ko, kimerareta serifudoo ni shika anata to kaiwa dekinai!

Demo tsutaetai no kono kimochi ‘deatte kurete honto ni arigatou…’”

 

“STOOOOOP!!” Alexis shrieked, crying hot, salty tears of remorse! Everybody stopped singing their song.

“Erm… what is it, Miss Rhodes?” Chancellor Shepherd asked sheepishly.

“I don’t WANT to sing this… this DISGUSTING SONG!!” she answered as Angry McArgue and Nancy Wut hugged her in support.

“What’s wrong with it?” Chancellor Shepherd asked, scratching his head. “I mean, do you want me to recount for you how the school song was chosen in the first place? Oh well, I’ll do that now.”

 

It was about five years ago when Mokuba walked into Seto Kaiba’s office during one of his famous hangovers. “Hey bro, apparently we need to decide on a school song before we can open up Kaibaland Duel Academy,” he explained. Kaiba tossed an empty vodka bottle at him, smashing against the wall nearest to his face instead. “Okay, I’ll just buy the rights to something nobody’ll miss, I guess.” Mokuba walked off and bought the rights to Rainbow Girl, and everybody lived happily ever after.

 

“That explained so much to me,” said Janitorboy Ikkaku, wiping away a tear.

“DON’T YOU KNOW THE TRANSLATED LYRICS, YOU JAPANESE PEOPLE?!” Alexis accused accusingly! “It’s about some GIRL in a COMPUTER GAME who falls in love with a BIG NERD! I DON’T LIKE THAT ONE BIT!!”

“So we were putting ourselves into the persona of a COMPUTER GAME GIRL?! EUGH!!” vomited Fluffy Fred!

“I want my money back!” Depressed Kid raged!

“YEAH!!” blurted out his ally Big Kid, throwing a desk chair into the screen and breaking it! Some smoke rose from it.

“GET HIM!!” shouted some security guards, leaping onto him and Depressed Kid.

 

“Anyways,” Shepherd said from the second screen on the opposite wall this whole time, causing the entire student body to turn about-face, “Alexis, you should really take up that concern with people who care. But either way, in ONE HOUR, we will have our big Graduation Duel between Zane Truesdale and Jaden Yuki, so use this time to finish up anything you haven’t done this past year. Over n’ out!” The screen blipped out. And then the students flipped the hell out.

“I GOTTA FINISH DESIGNING A GAAAME!!” Big Kid erupted, breaking free of the pile of people on top of him! He ran off to fulfill his original purpose.

“I GOTTA FIND ANOTHER GAAAAAAASP!!” screamed Someone Jones, holding up his jar of gasps! “I CAN’T GO ON WITHOUT ANOTHER!! EEEEEEP!!”

“I NEED TO FIND A EGG MCSAMMICH MEAL!!” burst Dan the Drawer, holding up a cheesy Sammich!

“I JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO WASH THIS SHIRT!” Bastion yelled, holding up a t-shirt with an image of Wonderweiss Margera holding up a bottle of EVA-01 Steak Sauce, reaching for a Sammich, while wearing a two-headed kitten on his head… BUT THERE WAS A SAUCE STAIN ON HIS FACE DUE TO BASTION’S IGNORANCE.

“AND I GOTTA FIND SOME MOTIVATION!!” Nancy Wut screamed, running towards the cafeteria!

“…” The student body decided to continue on their legacy by saying “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!” They began running around and fulfilling their motivation at will, effortlessly making everybody look like idiots who should buy planners.

 

As that as going on, Chazz was breaking into Chancellor Shepherd’s office with a crowbar and a stack of flapjacks. “Careful, careful…” he told himself as he poured his hot syrup onto the plate of decadence. The doors were instantly blown off their hinges!

“Nice one!” Ojama Yellow shouted!

“Done!” Chazz announced, throwing the breakfast over his shoulder and causing an explosion in the corridor behind him. He then looked around for a few seconds, finding no sort of place for keys to be hidden. “Yellow, look through the walls, because you can do that!”

“I CAN?!” Ojama Yellow put his arm through a wall. “MY GOSH IT’S POSSIBLE!!

“Stop being an idiot!” Chazz shouted.

“Okay, I’ll look around.” Ojama Yellow began flying around like an erratic drunken shopping cart rider falling down the street. He stopped once he came under a stack of disgusting magazines under Shepherd’s desk! “I FOUND IT!!” Chazz kicked the deck out of the way and threw the magazines to the side! And there was a wooden box with a rusted lock!

“Good work, Yellow!” Chazz congratulated! “I really owe you one now, heh heh…”

 

MEANWHILE, A FEW! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile were sitting around, doing nothing of any use as the screaming and running in the Duel Dome had dissolved into merely throwing Sammiches around at people. “Ugh, Mann, sitting around and doing nothing is the PITS!” Syrus complained. “We need to find a last-second goal!”

Mann McOldsmobile caught a Sammich in his mouth. “Hmm, maybe you could try catching a few Sammiches?”

“No, that’s a terrible goal. I need to decide on something to do today!”

“Well…” Mann McOldsmobile thought for a moment. “Why don’t you decide to be original and DON’T do anything?”

“… Okay,” Syrus decided, lazy, as he got hit in the face by a Green Apple McSammich Meal. “Ow, the taste! Oh yeah, and didn’t Jaden mention some end-of-year advancement tests that we never took? I really wanna be a Yellow.”

“We have tests here?” Mann McOldsmobile wondered, scratching his head in confusion.

“It’s not as if we were ever really SHOWN doing that after the second half of the season…”

“I wasn’t here THAT early, so I’d never know.”

“Oh. Some other really, really stupid stuff happened before you got here, too,” Syrus went on, “like the time when Chazz left the academy because he dueled Bastion and lost. I never got that one.”

“So is THAT why it was made such a big deal on episode 26?” Mann McOldsmobile inferred.

“Exactly! Even though it shouldn’t have been. Oh yeah, and there was also that one time when some kid who looked like Yugi stole Yugi’s deck and tried to pretend he WAS Yugi!” Syrus recounted. “Man, he SURE wasn’t Yugi!”

“In fact…” Mann McOldsmobile started, but he cut himself off.

“What?”

“Nah, nobody wants me to ask this one.”

“That’s debatable.”

“Well then WHY is there even a school for trading card games, and why is there so much money put into that? In fact, why’s the WORLD so obsessed with it?” Mann McOldsmobile questioned.

 

“Tsk tsk tsk, Mann,” Syrus tsked, “you have so much to learn, and it was all so obvious, too. When Duel Monsters was introduced, we all thought it was okay and it had modest sales records. But soon, one Yugi Muto managed to make the sport so famous by showing off how cool it could be, and then ALL the kids were buying the cards! Even the bullies who stole OTHER cards from the so-called ‘LAME’ kids! It actually managed to make a stock market record in its first five years, breaking 2,568,700 points under Dow Jones! This means that within a decade, the franchise managed to be able to support several countries. Which it did, donating trillions to countries in order to erase their national debts.

 

“After that, different countries began supporting Duel Monsters by broadcasting commercials for it before, during and after EVERY broadcast program on the airwaves at no cost to them. Dozens of company branches for producing the cards appeared on every continent, including Antarctica. The televised tournament-level games garnered billions of viewers. The ENTIRE WORLD REVEOLVED AROUND TRADING CARDS, ESSENTIALLY MAKING MAXIMILLION PEGASUS THE RULER OF THE ENTIRE PLANET.

 

“And that’s how we got where we are today. Questions?”

“Well I don’t care and I’m off to find more robot friends!” Mann McOldsmobile said, off to fulfill what we’ve come to expect out of him.

“Wow,” Syrus Sy-ed, “that all makes me feel ignored to the point of crying.”

“WELL DON’T!!” Chancellor Shepherd shouted, shooting several people out in the arena with a net cannon, stopping them from throwing any more foodstuffs!

“AW, HOW’LL WE VENT OUR SELF-DISAPPOINTMENT NOW?!” many people cried, slipping around on some Sammich goop and falling on top of each other.

“All of you get back into your seats, because the scene change for a few minutes was ACTUALLY an hour long!” he explained.

“OH, REALLY?!” the audience understood, racing back into place after lifting the nets off of their heads, allowing the floors to be hosed down and cleaned.

 

“For those of you IDIOTS who don’t remember…”

“HEY!!”

“… the BIG DUEL between JADEN AND ZANE TRUESDALE is ABOUT TO BEGIN!!” signaled Chancellor Shepherd, stepping out of the way so the lights could dim over the center of the Duel Dome. Nobody could see anything except for the area for the games to take place; truly and literally the center stage was all they could see. And then… Jaden stepped into the light. All was silent. He quietly took his place and put his Duel Disk onto his arm. He looked down at the floor, almost down-trodden.

“Heheheh,” he chuckled, “WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!” He held his right arm up in a fist. He turned his face skyward with a gleeful grin and pointed toward the heavens. “COME ON OUT NOW! I’M READY FOR YA, ZANE! LET’S THROW DOWN, RIGHT NOW!”

 

Syrus began to clap slowly and loudly. Come on, the slow clap always works… he hoped. “WOOHOO!!” Mann McOldsmobile yelled!

“YEAH!” supported Piggybank.

“I DON’T WANNA VOTE FOR ZANE, SO DON’T SCREW IT ALL UP!!” Shades Milligan spoke out.

“YEEEEEHAWWWW!!” screamed a nameless figure.

“LET’S CLAP FOR HIM!!” At that proclamation, the entire congregation of card game-enthusiasts erupted into applause and cheers for this one boy. Jaden felt their appreciation and heated spirits pouring into his very being.

I got only one shot to redeem m’self here, he told himself, and I’m gonna do it without cheatin’. I’ve grown as a person now. No dirty tricks! Just a duelist’s spirit! Come on out Zane, and I’m gonna whup you like nobody ever before me. I AM READEH!! Jaden was truly the most confident person to ever step foot into the academy at this point. And he wasn’t about to give up without a fight…!!

 

And so the applause died down as it usually does. You could hear a pin drop. ‘PLINK’ went a stray pin. “Sorry!” a pin-owner apologized.

But it was alright, because Zane Truesdale and Alexis Rhodes strode into play. The audience immediately erupted into applause. People screamed their hearts out. They threw all sorts of trinkets at the boy, such as t-shirts, money, and first-born babies. “Have a good duel,” wished Alexis, smooching her man on the cheek. He gave her an okay smile as she headed off into the stands.

“OKAY, READY TO DUEL?” Jaden shouted across the arena. Zane cupped his hand around his ear; the cheering was just too deafening. “I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO DUEL ME YET?!” Zane shrugged and took out a banana. “NOOOO, ARE YOOOO REEEAAAADDYYYY TOOOO DUUUUEEEEELLL?!” Zane passed Jaden a shark. “Ugh! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST SHUT UP?!?!”

 

And that is how Jaden and Zane had to wait three hours before the crowd could shut up before the duel began.

 

 

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