Yu-Gi-Oh! Arcane Mysteries [PG-13]

[Alice Moonflowyr]

[spoiler=Prolouge]
“You cannot banish me! I am stronger than you!” A dark-skinned man in a white coat shouted.

“Ha ha ha….you cannot begin to imagine the power I have obtained…..Goodbye old friend.” A large, shadowy creature was saying. It reached out a long clawed hand, and a beam of red-black light shot out, enveloping the man on the ground. When the stream ceased, the man was gone. “Now….to capture those pathetic Spirits…”

…

“Run! Get away!” A large, machine-like Duel Spirit was yelling, its many mechanical tentacles flailing. “Run, Fool run! Get to the portal! Find the professor!”

A clownish spirit leapt into the air, and flew off, looking back over its shoulder with a pained look on its face. [i]I will save you, my brethren. I may only be a Fool, but I will find hero’s to save you. [/i][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter One]
Far far away, something was buzzing, a irritating drone that got louder with each attempt to rise the boy lying in bed deep asleep. Or at least he had been until that noise started drilling its way into his dreams. A swat of the arm was enough to end the alarm and allow him back to his peaceful slumber.


Half an hour later, and the boy had struggled to drift back off. Regretfully abandoning the idea, Julian sluggishly hauled himself out of bed with a rub of the eyes, blearily looking across the chaos that was his bedroom. His eyes happened to catch the clock lying on the floor by his feet, staring up at him with 8:30 on its face. Julian stared back for a few seconds, trying to remember why that time seemed vaguely familiar...


"Aw no I overslept!" Sudden panic was enough to fully wake him, as Julian scrambled into his clothes as fast as he could, putting on his jeans the wrong way in his haste (and considering for a fleeting moment that there was no time to even correct himself, before admitting turning up late was probably better than turning up looking like that) before grabbing his deck from his bedside and sprinting downstairs past the rather startled looking woman getting ready for work.


"Julian, there's toast out for you."


"Sorry mom, no time see ya later" was the response. Bursting through the front door into the blazing light outside, Julian leapt the gate and hurtled down the street. Of all the days to oversleep, not today. For today was the local Duel Monsters tournament, held at the card shop in town, and if he had half an hour to get there.


At exactly 8:57AM, Julian was leaning doubled over against the front window of the card shop. "Just... about... made it!" he wheezed under his breath, before going inside...

The store clerk stood at a crude podium in the middle of a crowd of kids. “Everyone, I assume you know why you’re here. For the tournament!” The clerks attempt at a joke was met with a stony silence. “Okay…..uhhh…well, if you check the listings, you will find a number next to your name. Please have a seat while you wait. We will call out the numbers, and when your number is called, please step up.”

Julian’s number was 14. Looking at the list of competitors, he saw that there were 15 other people in the competition. [i]Yikes. I’m gonna be hard-pressed to win this.[/i] Glancing at some of the new products, Julian groaned. [i]Why do these always have to be so damn expensive! $10 bucks for a three-pack of cards….geez. [/i]

People started to settle down, the participants sitting on benches, the spectators on the ground. The card shop had decided to hold the tournament outside, seeing as the shop itself was too small to fit all the people who came. The clerk announced for the first two duelists to step up, calling Julian and some girl, around 13 years old, with fiery red hair tied in a ponytail.
[align=center] “DUEL!” [/align]

“Imma start this off with a draw! Name’s Julian, what’s yours?”

“Hannah.”

“Awright, let’s start this!” Julian drew his sixth card and examined his hand. [i]Yeeeah. I can win this easily. [/i]“OK! Let’s go! I summon Manju of the Ten Thousand!” A silvery blob materialized in front of Julian, with a face, and hands coming out of it. (DEF: 1000) “Then I use his effect to add one Ritual Spell to my hand. Then I activate End of the World! I tribute Manju along with Gene-Warped Warwolf from my hand to Ritual Summon Ruin, Queen of Oblivion!” A woman wearing a red and black dress appeared in front of Julian, where Manju used to be. (ATK: 2300) “Then I will play a face-down card and end my turn.”

“Draw!” Hannah drew her sixth card. “I summon the Skilled Dark Magician in attack mode! (ATK: 1900) Then, I use the spell card Emblem of the Dragon Destroyer, to add one Buster Blader from my deck to my hand.” A glow appeared on Skilled Dark Magician’s cloak. “That also places one Spell Counter on Skilled. Now I use Summoners Art to add one Level 5 or higher Normal Monster from my deck to my hand. I choose, Dark Magician! That also adds a second spell counter to Skilled.” Hannah ended her turn with two face-down cards.

Julian: Front row: Ruin BR: 1 facedown. Hand: 1 LP: 4000

Hannah: FR: SDM BR: 2 facedown’s Hand: 3 LP: 4000

“My turn!” Julian drew. “I summon Senju of the Thousand Hands! Then I use his effect to add Relinquished to my hand.” A figure that looked rather like wood appeared in front of Julian. (ATK: 1400) “Now I attack your Skilled Dark Magician with Ruin!”

Hannah revealed her trap card. “I activate Dimensional Prison! Your Ruin is now banished!”

Julian ended his turn, rather frustrated.

“Draw.” Hannah smiled. “OK, change of plans. I tribute Skilled Dark Magician to summon Dark Magician Girl!” A girl in a blue outfit with matching hat and staff materialized in front of Hannah. (ATK: 2000) “Now I activate Sages Stone! When I control a Dark Magician Girl, I can special summon Dark Magician from my hand!”

“I activate Dark Bribe! That negates your spell, but you get to draw a card.”

“Grr…” Hannah looked at the card she drew. “You just gave me something gooood! I activate Polymerization! By fusing Dark Magician and Buster Blader from my hand, I get my ultimate monster! Come forth! Dark Paladin!” A wizard encased in black armor descended in front of Hannah. (ATK: 2900) “GO! Attack his Senju! Then Dark Magician Girl, direct attack! Oh, and Dark Magician Girl gains 300 attack points for each ‘Dark Magician’ in my grave.”

“AAARGH!” Julian exclaimed as he took the hit. (LP: 200) “Draw!” Julian let out a sigh of relief as he looked at the card he just drew. “Ok, you showed your best. Now I show mine. I activate Black Illusion Ritual! I send the Glow-Up Bulb from my hand to the graveyard to ritual summon Relinquished!” A strange blue-silver creature, with a conical bottom and a long neck, on the end of which was one eye, showed up in front of Julian. (ATK: 0)

“Zero attack?!?! There’s no way that little runt can take on Dark Paladin!”

“Wanna bet? I activate Relinquished’s special ability! I can select one monster you control and equip it to Relinquished! Guess who I’m choosing?” Relinquished went over to the Dark Paladin and absorbed it, gaining its strength. “Relinquished gains ATK equal to the equipped monsters ATK!” (ATK: 2900) “Attack her Dark Magician Girl!” Julian then ended his turn.

(Julian) FR: Relinquished (DP) BR: - Hand: 0 LP: 200

(Hannah) FR: - BR: 1 facedown Hand: 0 LP: 3100

“Draw.” Hannah looked at the only card in her hand, and her face fell a bit. Then she shrugged. “Alright, I summon Time Wizard!” A clock with eyes, arms, and legs dropped in front of Hannah. It looked a bit like a jester with a rod (ATK: 500). “Then I use his effect! I toss a coin, and call it. If I call it right, all your monsters are destroyed. If I call it wrong…all my monsters are destroyed and I take damage equal to half their attack. I call heads!” The coin spun, spun, and spun and landed. On heads. “YEEES! Goodbye Relinquished! Then Time Wizard will attack you directly!” (LP: 0).

Julian fell to his knees as his Life Points sunk to zero. The crowd of people watching cheered for Hannah. She walked over to Julian and offered her hand. He took it, and Hannah helped him up.

“Thanks,” Julian said. “You’re great, what deck is that?”

“It's based on Dark Magician, but the ace is Dark Paladin.” [i]No way am I telling him about my REAL ace.[/i]

“Cool. Bet you can tell what mine is.”

“Rituals. Duh. Frankly, I expected Herald or Gishki.”

“Nope. Those are too expensive. I use old-class rituals. Relinquished is the ace of course.”

…

Julian watched the next 7 duels intently. He noted many different decks, but not surprisingly, he and Hannah were the best duelists there.

“Alright, here we are on the next round! First, we have numbers 13 and 4!” Two children stepped up, and started to duel. Their decks seemed to be chock-full of normal monsters, and Julian wondered how on earth they made it to the finals.

After their duel, Julian wandered around for a bit, and saw the winner getting bullied by some other kid. The winner, Fred, had gotten knocked down by the other boy, who had taken his deck and Duel Disk and run off. Julian ran over to Fred, who was laying on the ground sobbing.

“C-c-can you get my deck back mister? That jerk Jose took my deck and Disk from me!” Fred asked shakily.

“Yeah sure. That little brat isn’t gonna get away with this…..”

Julian took Fred to the ref and explained what happened.

“But….we should catch this kid. He can’t get away with stealing.” The ref said.

“Oh he won’t. Just let me take this kids place, and I’ll punish him.”

“Hmm…….alright. Fine. If he wants you too…..” the ref looked at Fred, who nodded vigorously. “OK. Kid, you can take his number, 4, and take his place.”

Julian got back to his bench in time to see Hannah start her next duel.

[align=center] “Let’s Duel!”[align]

“Draw!” shouted Hannah’s opponent, a rather tall boy with brown hair. “I summon Ancient Gear Soldier in attack.” A metal soldier with its gears showing, and looking a little rusty appeared in front of him. “Then I equip it with Ancient Gear Tank. That increases its ATK by 600. (ATK: 1900). Then I’m done. Oh, and my name is Atticus.”

“Hi Atticus, I’m Hannah. I’m here to kick your butt. Draw!” Hannah smiled at her opening hand. “I summon Skilled White Magician in attack.” A wizard cloaked in white, with three large gems on its cloak, materialized in Hannah, defending itself with its staff. (ATK: 1700) “Then I play Ancient Rules! That allows me to Special Summon a level 5 or higher Normal Monster from my hand. I choose Dark Magician!” Now a purple-garbed wizard with an aquamarine staff descended in front of Hannah. (ATK: 2500) “That also places a Spell Counter on Skilled White Magician.” One of the gems on the White Magician’s cloak started to glow. “Then I attack your Ancient Gear Soldier.” The magician charged at the soldier in a tank, obliterating it with a blast of magic.

“I use the effect of Ancient Gear Tank. When it’s destroyed and sent to the graveyard, it inflicts 600 damage to your Life Points.”

“Ugh. Well, I still get to attack you with Skilled White Magician.” The white-garbed magician sent a blast of energy at Atticus. “Then I play a face down card and end my turn.”

(Atticus) FR: - BR: - Hand: 4 LP: 2300

(Hannah) FR: SWM, Dark Magician. BR: Face down. Hand: 2 LP: 3400

“Yikes. Draw.” Atticus broke into a smile as he saw his draw. “I activate my Field Magic, Geartown!” Their surroundings turned into a small town, with houses made out of metal and gears. “Now I play Mystical Space Typhoon, and destroy Geartown.”

[i]Why the hell would he kill his own field spell?[/i] Hannah thought. [i]It’s insane.[/i]

“Now…I use Geartowns special ability. When it’s destroyed, I get to Special Summon one Ancient Gear monster from my deck.”

[i]Oh! That makes sense![/i]

“I choose one of my best monsters, the Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon!” A mechanical dragon descended from the sky, make completely out of rusty gears. Even though it was rather rusted, it looked extremely powerful. It let out a roar that seemed to rumble the earth. (ATK: 3000).

[i]No way. No way! To summon something so powerful that easily….and worse, I can’t activate my Spell and Trap cards when it attacks….crap.[/i]

“Now, Gadjiltron Dragon, attack her Dark Magician!” The dragon flew at the purple-clad wizard, and destroyed him (LP: 2900). “Now I play a card face-down and end my turn.”

Hannah drew, and prayed for something good. “I play Dark Magic Curtain! That allows me to pay half my Life Points and Special Summon a Dark Magician from my deck!” She shook slightly as her Life Points depleted, but then a second purple-garbed wizard was in front of her. (LP: 1450) “Then I activate my equip spell, Magic Formula! That boosts Dark Magicians ATK by 700!” (ATK: 3200) “Go, Dark Magician! Obliterate him!”

“Activate face-down Rare Metalmorph.” The metal dragon suddenly exploded with light, and when it was revealed, it had a metal sheen that made it look like steel. “This continuous Trap Card will grant 500 additional attack points to my monster.”

“Grrrr…..that’s what you think. I activate the Quick-Play spell Shrink. That halves his attack.”

“Again, Rare Metalmorph’s ability. Once per Duel, I can negate the effect of a spell card that targets Gadjiltron Dragon.”

“WHAT?!?!” Hannah shouted, as her Shrink spell disintegrated. Dark Magician charged the dragon, obliterating itself. (LP: 1250)

(Hannah) FR: Skilled White Magician BR: facedown Hand: 1 LP: 1250

(Atticus) FR: AG Gadjiltron Dragon. BR: Rare Metalmorph Hand: 2 LP: 2300

“Now, I believe it’s my turn. Draw.” Atticus had barely glanced at his card before he used it. “I activate Terraforming. That allows me to search out a single Field Spell card from my deck, and add it to my hand.” Atticus got the card he wanted, and promptly activated it. “Geartown. Now, I get to summon Ancient Gear Beast for free with it.” A metal four-legged beast rose up, with a horned head and rusted plates covering its body. “Now, I attack Skilled White Magician with Beast (ATK: 2000), and you directly with Gadjiltron Dragon.”

“NO! Before your Battle Phase, I activate Threatening Roar! Leaving you unable to attack.”

“Clever. Well then, I guess my turn is done.” [i]Ha….she knew she couldn’t activate cards when my monsters attack, so she did it before I even started my battle phase….this could get interesting. [/i]Atticus ended his turn with a tired look on his face.

“I draw.” Smiling widely, Hannah made her move. “First, I summon Dandylion in defense. Next, I play Nightmares Steelcage.” A giant black cage with spikes all around the outside clanged down upon the monsters on the field.

Atticus burst out laughing. “You think THAT will save you? It will give you two turns, no more, no less.”

[i]Yeah, that’s what he thinks. [/i]“Turn end.” Hannah stated.

(Hannah) FR: Skilled White Magician, Dandylion. BR: Nightmares Steelcage. Hand: 0 LP: 1250

(Atticus) FR: AG Beast, AG Gadjiltron Dragon. BR: Rare Metalmorph. Hand: 1 LP: 2300

[i]Now this is just getting insulting. [/i]“Draw. I summon Red Gadget in defense mode!” A little red robot with a big gear on his back emerged from a portal. (DEF: 1500) “When Red Gadget is Summoned, I add one Yellow Gadget from my Deck to my hand.” Atticus fished out the card he wanted from his deck. “Done.”

“My turn! Draw!” [i]C’mon…..need something good here! [/i]“Damn…..I end the turn.” The cage creaked as it weakened.

(Hannah) FR: Skilled White Magician, Dandylion. BR: Nightmares Steelcage (1), facedown. Hand: 0 LP: 1250

(Atticus) FR: AG Beast, AG Gadjiltron Dragon, Red Gadget. BR: Rare Metalmorph. Hand: 2 LP: 2300

“Draw.” Atticus studied his hand. [i]I just need to be patient. Wait for the Steelcage to go away.[/i] “I summon Yellow Gadget in defense. When he’s summoned, I grab Green Gadget from my deck.” Atticus ended his turn, obliterating the Steelcage.

“Urrrgh….Draw…..” Hannah stared at the card she drew, a look of disbelief on her face. [i]It won me my last match…..[/i] “I summon the Time Wizard!!!! Then I use his effect.” The ref tossed a coin, and she called heads. It spun, spun, and spun. It landed……..on tails. “NO!” Hannah shouted, as her monsters were destroyed. (LP: 0)

“And Atticus is the winner!” The ref shouted, as Atticus punched his fist in the air.

“Good game.” He said to Hannah. “I’d like to duel you again sometime.” Walking off towards his bench, Atticus left Hannah to stumble back to Julian.

“Yeesh. How the heck did I not notice that?” Julian said, quite confused.

“How did YOU not notice???” Hannah muttered. “Humph.”

Staring at Hannah with an exasperated look, Julian shrugged and prepped his deck for the next round. He quickly ran inside, and with his allowance, purchased a few packs that gave him just the cards he needed. [i]Perfect. These little suckers will stop that thief’s deck outright. [/i][/spoiler]
Thanks to Verz Bahamut for a ton of help and support. Tell me what you think, especially the duel part.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

No "Hearfelt Reviews" or anything for meh?

[Alice Moonflowyr]

I see you invisible viewers. Can I has some [b]re[/b]viewers plz? Anyone?

[AsianGuy1137]

Sorry bro, new fanfics don't get a lot of love from the oldies around here. I glanced over the duel, and it seemed pretty old-fashioned, which I like. There doesn't seem to be any absurdly crazy combos or crazy lucksacks apart from the extremely consistent-ness of two inherently not too consistent decks, but I can disregard that since fanfics don't have to be exactly like in real life. I might give a legit review later on this week after finals. Good luck on getting some reviews.

[bury the year]

First of all, it's [center][/center ] (without the space), not [align=center][/align]. Should fix that.

Now, since you seem like you need a review, I'll be happy to oblige. The first thing I notice is that you use a lot of run-on sentences, particularly in the earlier paragraphs with all the description/exposition. For example, this:

[quote]"Aw no I overslept!" Sudden panic was enough to fully wake him, as Julian scrambled into his clothes as fast as he could, putting on his jeans the wrong way in his haste (and considering for a fleeting moment that there was no time to even correct himself, before admitting turning up late was probably better than turning up looking like that) before grabbing his deck from his bedside and sprinting downstairs past the rather startled looking woman getting ready for work.[/quote]

can be rewritten as this:

[quote]"Aw, no! I overslept!" Sudden panic was enough to fully wake him, as Julian scrambled into his clothes as fast as he could. He put on his jeans the wrong way in his haste and considered for a fleeting moment that there was no time to correct himself, before admitting that turning up late was probably better than turning up looking like that. He grabbed his deck from his bedside and sprinted downstairs past the rather startled-looking woman getting ready for work.[/quote]

Read some of your stuff out loud, and you'll see that it's choppy in places and doesn't flow well. Next, some of your dialogue doesn't sound particularly realistic. I'm not going to fix examples there, but I normally wouldn't use 'hard-pressed' in everyday thoughts, among other things. As for the duel, I can't say much strategically, but the hand and field counts in between each turn is disruptive to read: might as well just remove them. Also, the monsters lack description. Try adding some there.

The plot doesn't seem terribly inspired so far - ominous prologue, and then an average tournament in Chapter 1. If I were a prospective reader, I wouldn't be too appealed by such mundane fare right off the bat. :3

[Alice Moonflowyr]

Cool. Will fix. But yeah, it doesnt take long for the plot to come into effect.

[Derpman38]

Seems interesting......But yeah. Mysterious prolouge, combined with a couple duels......There's nothing really drawing people back.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

[spoiler=Chapter Two]
“I’d like numbers 4 and 13 to step up please, numbers 4 and 13.” The ref was calling out.

“That’s me…” Julian muttered as he finished his deck prepping. “These edits will help out…”

Julian stepped up to the duel field, and faced his opponent.

[center]“DUEL!”[/center]

“I’ll take the first turn!” Yelled Julian. [i]Yes! Perfectly set up for him to lose. [/i]“I summon Armageddon Knight! With his effect, I send one DARK monster from my deck to the Graveyard. I choose Djinn Cursenchanter of Rituals.” Julian took the card he declared and placed it in the Graveyard slot on his duel disk. “Now I activate the ritual spell card Black Magic Ritual.”

“Whoa, hold on a second. You only have one monster! How are you gonna make the summon?” sneered Jose.

“Simple. By using Cursenchanter’s special ability, he can be banished from the Graveyard to count as tribute for a Ritual summon. So, Banish Cursenchanter, and sacrifice my Armageddon Knight to summon the Magician of Black Chaos!” A sigil appeared on the ground, with two golden objects next to it. The Armageddon Knight walked into it and disappeared into a purple flame. Then a ghostly image of a fat blue genie holding some sort of staff appeared in it, then disappeared into the same flame. The flame grew larger as something shined a bright light. When the light had gone, a demonic-looking magician had appeared, with bluish skin and black horns. He wore a black cloak. (ATK: 2800) “Seeing as I’ve gone first, I cannot attack. So I will end here.”


“Ok then, Draw!” Jose said, sneering. “From my hand, I activate the effect of King of the Swamp! I can discard him to add one Polymerization from my deck to my hand.” Fishing out the card he wanted, Jose proceeded with his turn. “Then I think I’ll play it! I fuse my Dark Blade, and my Goddess with the Third Eye to fusion summon Dark Blade the Dragon Knight!” Two ghostly images, one of a black warrior with silver spines on his armor, and one of a woman wearing green robes, fused together. Out of the next portal came that same black warrior, except this time he was riding on a evil-looking black dragon. (ATK: 2200)

“Why would you do that….you can’t take on my Magician with that!” Julian said, smiling.

“Not yet. But I will when I equip the Dragon Knight with this! Fusion Weapon! By equipping it to a Level 6 or lower Fusion monster, that monster gains 1500 ATK! Dark Blade the Dragon Knight is level six. So I equip it to him!” (ATK: 3700)

“No freaking way!” Julian said, amazed and angry at the same time. “To get so much power so easily……geez.”

“Now, Dragon Knight, attack his Magician of Black Chaos!” Jose crowed gleefully. The dragon soared towards the magician, and breathing out black flames, shattered it. (LP: 3100) “Unfortunately, I’m done.”

“Draw.” [i]Ok, don’t panic. Just get Demise out and you’ll be fine.[/i] “I summon Sonic Bird! That allows me to add a Ritual Spell card from my deck to my hand. I choose Ritual of Grace, which I will activate immediately. I tribute my Sonic Bird on the field, and my Djinn Presider of Rituals from my hand, to summon Divine Grace – Northwemko!” A white altar appeared, and the Sonic bird flew to its center, where it disappeared into the white glow at the center. Next, a chubby green genie, this one with a buckler, rapier, and helmet, did the same. Then the glow became overpowering, and out of it walked a woman dressed in dark blue and gold, with a staff bearing a gold sun on the top. (ATK: 2700) “Then I play a face down card and end my turn.”

“Still can’t beat my Dragon knight!” Jose said, laughing. “Draw! I activate my spell card, Fusion Recovery! This nifty little card lets me add one Polymerization from my grave to my hand, along with one monster that was used for a fusion summon! So I choose Goddess. Then, Dark Blade the Dragon Knight! Attack his Ritual monster!”

“Not so fast. I activate my face-down Mystical Space Typhoon! This little sucker destroys one Spell or Trap card on the field. I choose Fusion Weapon of course.”

“No! Damn you!” With the equip spell gone, Dark Blade’s ATK sunk to 2200. “Urrgh, I cancel the attack and change him to defense mode…..” With that, Jose ended his turn.

“Draw. Tables are turned aren’t they? I summon Manju of the Ten Thousand Hands. With his effect, I add Garlandolf, King of Destruction from my deck to my hand.” ATK: 1400 “I attack your Dragon Knight with Northwemko, then I attack you directly with Manju.” (LP: 2600) “Done here.”

Jose had a look of rage on his face as he drew his card, potentially his last one. “I…..I give.” (LP:0)

Julian had no sympathy in him as he said, “Now return my little friends’ deck and disk. Now.” Fred stepped up next to Julian, who was holding his hand out. Jose blanched, getting very pale. Then he threw Fred’s stuff on the ground and ran. “You won’t be getting bothered by him again anytime soon kid.” Julian said, staring after the kid with a look of scorn on his face. He had always hated cowards.

Everyone took a break from the tournament for lunch, and before the break they announced those who would participate in the finals.

First, Atticus with his Ancient Gear deck.

Second, Daniel with a Mausoleum Deck.

Third, Flora with a Destiny Board.

And last, but not least, Julian with his Djinn Ritual deck.

…

“Hey, you did great Julian.” Hannah was saying as she and Julian sat on their bench, eating.

“It was nothing.” He muttered, slightly embarrassed. Everyone found out what happened, and now treated Julian as a minor hero. He hated it. “I was just helping the kid out.”

“Try telling that to everyone else.”

…

The next duel started, with Flora and Atticus.
[center]“Duel!”[/center]
Atticus took the first turn, and drew. “I think I’ll start by activating these two spells, Machina Armored Unit, and Ancient Gear Castle.” A tower made of rusted metal appeared behind Atticus, but nothing seemed to be happening from the first spell. “Then I summon Green Gadget to the field in Defense mode.” The monster seemed to be a silver gear with a green center. It had arms, legs, and a head. Its hands and feet were green, as was the head. It had one lens on its head. “When Green Gadget is Normal or Special Summoned, I add a Red Gadget from my Deck to my hand. That’s all.”

“Draw.” Flora calmly studied her hand for a minute, and then started to play her cards. “I summon Dandylion in Defense mode.” A creature that looked like, well, an dandelion came out through a portal. Its face looked like a lion, except it was more childish. It had yellow petals around its head, a tail with fluff on the tip, and its arms were blades of grass. It had a haughty expression on its face. “Then I shall play a face down, and end the turn.”

[i]Huh. That’s not much.[/i] After drawing his card, Atticus began. “I release Green Gadget to summon Ancient Gear Engineer.” A rusted-out robot with gears spinning furiously on its shoulders appeared out of a portal, with sizable drills on either hand. (ATK: 1500) “Then I attack your little flower with him.” The robot pounced on the flower, drills spinning away. It took little effort to rid the field of the Dandylion.

“I activate Dandylion’s special ability. When it is sent to the Graveyard, I special summon two Fluff Tokens to my side of the field, in defense mode.” (DEF: 0)

“Eh. I end my turn.” Atticus said, slightly irritated that his attack had done practically nothing.

“Before your turn ends, I activate my face-down card, Destiny Board.” A little silver imp appeared in front of Flora, holding what seemed to be a shining ball with an “F” inscribed on it. “This card allows me to place one “Spirit Message” card from my Deck or hand to the field at the end of each of your turns. I place the Spirit Message “I” on the field.” Then she began her turn. “I end the turn.” She said simply.

[i]OK, that’s a problem. I have a minimum of three turns left. Not good. And it will take me at least this turn to get rid of those tokens…..damn. This draw better give me something………aw yeah. Good to see you. [/i]“I activate my Ancient Gear Castle’s power. When a monster is normal summoned, it gains a counter. When I tribute summon an Ancient Gear monster, I can tribute Castle instead if the number of counters is equal to the number of tributes needed. Since it has two, I can summon a Level 7 or higher monster with it! Ascend from the ashes of an ancient civilization! Crush the stars with your iron grip! Ascend, Ancient Gear Golem!” The ground rumbled as a giant made of rusted metal and gears rose out of the ground. Taller than anything on the field, it towered over Flora and her monsters. (ATK: 3000)

“Impressive.” Flora said smiling. “But you still cannot kill me in one turn.”

“Wanna bet? When Ancient Gear Golem attacks a Defense Position monster, he inflicts damage as if it were in attack mode!”

Flora’s expression quickly changed from one of calm patience, to one of shock. “N….no.” she stammered, as she took in that information.

“Yes. Now, Ancient Gear Golem, destroy the first of her Fluff Tokens!” The giant machine smashed a heavy metal fist into the first fluff token, obliterating it. (LP: 1000) “Then Engineer will get rid of the other one, and that will be it.”

“Destiny Board’s power activates. I place Spirit Message “N” on the field.” Another silvery imp appeared, and this time holding a cloudy ball with an “N” inscribed on it. “Then I begin my turn. I play a face down card, and end.”

[i]Ha….foolish girl. [/i]“I draw! And you know what; I don’t even need to go through with my whole turn. I attack you directly with Ancient Gear Golem! And that face-down won’t help. When my Golem attacks, you cannot activate any Spell or Trap cards.”

“I know. That’s why I am using this. I activate the effect of Battle Fader from my hand! When I am attacked directly, I can Special Summon him from my hand and end your battle phase.”

[i]Damn it! That’s another one of those Spirit Message cards……argh. [/i]“Alright….I summon Ancient Gear in defense mode.” A small robot that was made up of about three gears appeared through a portal, its small arms wrapped around its body. (DEF: 800) “Then I play my spell card Machine Duplication. This card allows me to select a Machine-type monster on the field with 500 or less attack, and special summon up to two other copies of it from my deck.” Two more Ancient Gears showed up beside the first one, and in the same position. “Then I end my turn.”

“Destiny Board places a Spirit Message “A” on the field.” Flora said, still looking shaken from Gear Golem’s heavy blow. “Then I activate my face-down Fires of Doomsday. This allows me to Special Summon two Doomsday Tokens in Defense mode.” Two creatures made of black fire appeared, and both had small, catlike, yellow eyes. “Then I end the turn.”

“So close, yet so far. I attack your Battle Fader with Ancient Gear Golem!” The giant once more slammed his huge fist down onto Flora’s little creature, eliminating it without much hassle. (LP: 0)

“The winner is Atticus! Once more!” The referee shouted while Atticus got a goofy-looking smile on his face. Flora slowly walked over to her bench, and she put her head in her hands as she sat down.
[/spoiler]Here you go, next chapter.
[quote name='Rinne' timestamp='1324250119' post='5715915']
First of all, it's [center][/center ] (without the space), not [align=center][/align]. Should fix that.

Now, since you seem like you need a review, I'll be happy to oblige. The first thing I notice is that you use a lot of run-on sentences, particularly in the earlier paragraphs with all the description/exposition. For example, this:



can be rewritten as this:



Read some of your stuff out loud, and you'll see that it's choppy in places and doesn't flow well. Next, some of your dialogue doesn't sound particularly realistic. I'm not going to fix examples there, but I normally wouldn't use 'hard-pressed' in everyday thoughts, among other things. As for the duel, I can't say much strategically, but the hand and field counts in between each turn is disruptive to read: might as well just remove them. Also, the monsters lack description. Try adding some there.

The plot doesn't seem terribly inspired so far - ominous prologue, and then an average tournament in Chapter 1. If I were a prospective reader, I wouldn't be too appealed by such mundane fare right off the bat. :3
[/quote]I'll try to fix that stuff. I think i did in this chapter anyway....

[Phantom Roxas]

[b]Weather Reports. Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is to say, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]

[spoiler=22 Acacia Avenue][color=#008080]Happy New Year, humans. Now that it is officially 2012, the hour of Armageddon approaches. Either those silly conspiracy theories come to pass, or I can speed things up a bit. Alas, more recruits are necessary, and unfortunately, next up is Ryu. I'm rather surprised that this will be my first time at a Duel Academy. Considering how much of a blatant Jaden clone Ryu was, I'm sure he would be in Slifer Red. Now, to draw him out.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Hey, Milo, wake up! You gotta see this! There's some kind of shark outside our dorm! Man, he's a heavy sleeper. I better see what's going on.[/color]

[color=#008080]Salutations, Ryu. Allow me to introduce myself. I am a Duel Spirit by the name of Votek. I require your assistance in defeating a great evil.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]A Duel Spirit? I knew there were real! So, what do you need me to do?[/color]

[color=#008080]Not much, or at least, not at the moment. I simply need your help with reviewing this fanfiction.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Sure! What's it called?[/color]

[color=#008080]It is called [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/271447-yu-gi-oh-arcane-mysteries-pg-13/"][color=#008080]Yu-Gi-Oh! Arcane Mysteries[/color][/url][color=#008080], written by [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/203822-dworkin/"][color=#008080]Dworkin[/color][/url][color=#008080].[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Alright, let's get started![/color]

[color=#008080]We'll begin with the prologue.[/color]

[i]“You cannot banish me! I am stronger than you!” A dark-skinned man in a white coat shouted.[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Sorry, but all I can do is picture this guy as Morgan Freeman as God.[/color]

[i]“Ha ha ha….you cannot begin to imagine the power I have obtained…..Goodbye old friend.” A large, shadowy creature was saying.[/i]

[color=#008080]Obviously this is the villain, but with the first guy's take on "This cannot be!", both of the characters so far have had clichéd villain dialogue. Of course, as Shadow Man regarded the first guy as an old friend, I am sure that these two characters have a long and complicated history that will be developed over the course of-[/color]

[i]It reached out a long clawed hand, and a beam of red-black light shot out, enveloping the man on the ground. When the stream ceased, the man was gone.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh. Well, judging by the opening dialogue, he was just banished, so we'll probably see that later.[/color]

[i]“Now….to capture those pathetic Spirits…”[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Godspeed, generic villain with ambiguous motives![/color]

[i]…[/i]

[i]“Run! Get away!” A large, machine-like Duel Spirit was yelling, its many mechanical tentacles flailing.[/i]

[color=#008080]How exactly is it it machine-like, and yet it possesses mechanical tentacles?[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Maybe it's a Doctor Octopus android![/color]

[color=#008080]That's stupid. However, I'm sure it would still be better than this.[/color]

[i]“Run, Fool run! Get to the portal! Find the professor!”[/i]

[color=#008080]"Fool"? I'll assume that that's just the persons title, but it seems like we have more plot. I'm guessing the professor is the guy that got banished earlier.[/color]

[i]A clownish spirit leapt into the air, and flew off, looking back over its shoulder with a pained look on its face.[/i]

[color=#008080]"Machine-like"? "Clownish"? You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what they think you mean.[/color]

[b][i]I will save you, my brethren. I may only be a Fool, but I will find hero’s to save you.[/i][/b]

[color=#008080]"I will find hero is to save you."[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]The plot isn't really interesting so far. Let's go to chapter one![/color]

[i]Far far away, something was buzzing, a irritating drone that got louder with each attempt to rise the boy lying in bed deep asleep. Or at least he had been until that noise started drilling its way into his dreams. A swat of the arm was enough to end the alarm and allow him back to his peaceful slumber.[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]What did I just read? At least you're using more descriptions, but the metaphors you use as descriptions are just silly.[/color]

[i]Half an hour later, and the boy had struggled to drift back off. Regretfully abandoning the idea, Julian sluggishly hauled himself out of bed with a rub of the eyes, blearily looking across the chaos that was his bedroom.[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Is this really going to be a consistent problem?[/color]

[i]His eyes happened to catch the clock lying on the floor by his feet, staring up at him with 8:30 on its face. Julian stared back for a few seconds, trying to remember why that time seemed vaguely familiar...[/i]

[color=#008080]Oh please don't tell me that-[/color]

[i]"Aw no I overslept!"[/i]

[color=#008080]No. You are not doing this. The cliché of "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!" is overdone, and this is just stupid. Julian was aware of what time he had to be ready, and there was even an alarm clock set to wake him up in time. However, despite the fact he must have known that, he turns off the alarm clock anyway in an attempt to go back to sleep. Instead, Dworkin decided to settled for one of the most convoluted and yet contrived ways to use a cliché that was dead as soon as Ash Ketchum began his Pokémon journey.[/color]

[i]Sudden panic was enough to fully wake him,[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]But apparently a very loud alarm clock isn't.[/color]

[i]as Julian scrambled into his clothes as fast as he could, putting on his jeans the wrong way in his haste (and considering for a fleeting moment that there was no time to even correct himself, before admitting turning up late was probably better than turning up looking like that) before grabbing his deck from his bedside and sprinting downstairs past the rather startled looking woman getting ready for work.[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]If I'm already running late, then I think it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to fix how I'm wearing my pants. I would also at least take a shower.[/color]

[i]"Julian, there's toast out for you."[/i]

[color=#008080]That's your reaction to your son running in a hurry? Were you not informed that he had to be somewhere?[/color]

[i]"Sorry mom, no time see ya later" was the response. Bursting through the front door into the blazing light outside, Julian leapt the gate and hurtled down the street. Of all the days to oversleep, not today. For today was the local Duel Monsters tournament, held at the card shop in town, and if he had half an hour to get there.[/i]

[color=#008080]Of course, it's a card game tournament. The only way this could be even more stupid if all the spots are full and yet Julian manages to get into the tournament anyway.[/color]

[i]At exactly 8:57AM, Julian was leaning doubled over against the front window of the card shop. "Just... about... made it!" he wheezed under his breath, before going inside...

The store clerk stood at a crude podium in the middle of a crowd of kids. “Everyone, I assume you know why you’re here. For the tournament!” The clerks attempt at a joke was met with a stony silence. “Okay…..uhhh…well, if you check the listings, you will find a number next to your name. Please have a seat while you wait. We will call out the numbers, and when your number is called, please step up.”[/i]

[color=#008080]So Julian already took the initiative to reserve a spot. Things seems to be getting better.[/color]

[i]Julian’s number was 14. Looking at the list of competitors, he saw that there were 15 other people in the competition.[/i] [b][i]Yikes. I’m gonna be hard-pressed to win this.[/i][/b] [i]Glancing at some of the new products, Julian groaned.[/i] [b][i]Why do these always have to be so damn expensive! $10 bucks for a three-pack of cards….geez.[/i][/b]

[color=#40e0d0]Packs usually cost at least $3.99, so buying a three-pack should have been at least twelve dollars. He's actually claiming that a sale is expensive? It's also only ten dollars, which really isn't that much.[/color]

[i]People started to settle down, the participants sitting on benches, the spectators on the ground. The card shop had decided to hold the tournament outside, seeing as the shop itself was too small to fit all the people who came. The clerk announced for the first two duelists to step up, calling Julian and some girl, around 13 years old, with fiery red hair tied in a ponytail. [/i]

[color=#008080]I sense love interest.[/color]

[i][align=center] “DUEL!” [/align] [/i]

[color=#008080]Because having both characters say the same line means that it has to be centered.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Anyone who wants to read the full duel and just read the fic, so let's just skip it.[/color]

[color=#008080]Actually, let's just through the first half, because the duel is passable until the second half.[/color]

[i]“AAARGH!” Julian exclaimed as he took the hit. (LP: 200) “Draw!” Julian let out a sigh of relief as he looked at the card he just drew. “Ok, you showed your best. Now I show mine. I activate Black Illusion Ritual! I send the Glow-Up Bulb from my hand to the graveyard to ritual summon Relinquished!” A strange blue-silver creature, with a conical bottom and a long neck, on the end of which was one eye, showed up in front of Julian. (ATK: 0)[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]I don't see what's wrong.[/color]

[i]“Zero attack?!?! There’s no way that little runt can take on Dark Paladin!”[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Wait, does she not know Relinquished's effect? She has Dark Paladin! She should at least know about a card as old as Relinquished and what it does![/color]

[i]“Wanna bet? I activate Relinquished’s special ability! I can select one monster you control and equip it to Relinquished! Guess who I’m choosing?” Relinquished went over to the Dark Paladin and absorbed it, gaining its strength. “Relinquished gains ATK equal to the equipped monsters ATK!” (ATK: 2900) “Attack her Dark Magician Girl!” Julian then ended his turn.

(Julian) FR: Relinquished (DP) BR: - Hand: 0 LP: 200

(Hannah) FR: - BR: 1 facedown Hand: 0 LP: 3100[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Do you always have to remind us about their stats? Can't you just let us figure it out for ourselves.[/color]

[i]“Draw.” Hannah looked at the only card in her hand, and her face fell a bit. Then she shrugged. “Alright, I summon Time Wizard!” A clock with eyes, arms, and legs dropped in front of Hannah. It looked a bit like a jester with a rod (ATK: 500). “Then I use his effect! I toss a coin, and call it. If I call it right, all your monsters are destroyed. If I call it wrong…all my monsters are destroyed and I take damage equal to half their attack. I call heads!” The coin spun, spun, and spun and landed. On heads. “YEEES! Goodbye Relinquished! Then Time Wizard will attack you directly!” (LP: 0).[/i]

[i]Julian fell to his knees as his Life Points sunk to zero.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh, so Julian lost his first duel. That's actually somewhat surprising.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]HAHAHAHAHA HE GOT BEATEN BY TIME WIZARD. Sure, Mai Valentine lost to Time Wizard, but at least that was Thousand Dragon beating her Harpies. Here he lost to [i]a direct attack from [b]Time Wizard[/b][/i].[/color]

[color=#008080]I'm so glad that his rushed awakening was all for naught.[/color]

[i]The crowd of people watching cheered for Hannah. She walked over to Julian and offered her hand. He took it, and Hannah helped him up.

“Thanks,” Julian said. “You’re great, what deck is that?”

“It's based on Dark Magician, but the ace is Dark Paladin.” [b][i]No way am I telling him about my REAL ace.[/i][/b][/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Wait, why did we suddenly hear Hannah's thoughts?[/color]

[i]Obviously Hannah is the real main character. I'm not sure if that's much of an improvement, if at all.[/i]

[i]“Cool. Bet you can tell what mine is.”

“Rituals. Duh. Frankly, I expected Herald or Gishki.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Wait, Gishkis exist in this story? Why doesn't Julian use them?[/color]

[i]“Nope. Those are too expensive. I use old-class rituals. Relinquished is the ace of course.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Seriously? He really can't save up money or ask his parents to buy cards? Instead, he ops to use a weak deck? There seriously nothing else he could use?[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Hey, come on, the story is supposed to be realistic.[/color]

[color=#008080]Perhaps, but keep in mind that Julian is currently on par with Yuma as a weak protagonist. True, it establishes that he's a loser and thus his inevitable victory will be more triumphant, but right now all we've seen of Julian is that he is irresponsible and thinks that a mere ten dollars is expensive. Truly he must think that anyone who owns a television is a trillionaire.[/color]

[i]…

Julian watched the next 7 duels intently. He noted many different decks, but not surprisingly, he and Hannah were the best duelists there.[/i]

[color=#008080]Except there are duelists who actually managed to win their duels. The same can not be said for you, and other duels could have lasted longer than you. How could you possibly conclude that you are the only good duelist present besides Hannah? If he watched the following duels with a critical eye, did his analysis honestly result in "Yes, the crappy Ritual deck I got because I'm a pennypincher will easily defeat all of their decks"?[/color]

[i]“Alright, here we are on the next round! First, we have numbers 13 and 4!” Two children stepped up, and started to duel. Their decks seemed to be chock-full of normal monsters, and Julian wondered how on earth they made it to the finals.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh, so that's why Julian is the second-best duelist there: Everyone else is just horrible at building a deck.[/color]

[i]After their duel, Julian wandered around for a bit, and saw the winner getting bullied by some other kid. The winner, Fred, had gotten knocked down by the other boy, who had taken his deck and Duel Disk and run off. Julian ran over to Fred, who was laying on the ground sobbing.

“C-c-can you get my deck back mister? That jerk Jose took my deck and Disk from me!” Fred asked shakily.[/i]

[color=#008080]How old is Julian, actually? Hannah is described as a teenager, and Fred addressed Julian as "mister", which really doesn't seem too common a thing to call someone who I assume is sixteen.[/color]

[i]“Yeah sure. That little brat isn’t gonna get away with this…..”

Julian took Fred to the ref and explained what happened.

“But….we should catch this kid. He can’t get away with stealing.” The ref said.[/i]


[i][color=#40E0D0]Say, wasn't the plot supposed to be about some evil shadowy force banishing some guy, and a couple duel spirits trying to save some important professor who may or may not be the banished guy? What happened to that?[/color][/i]

[i][color=#008080]Quiet, Ryu. You are making too much sense, and that worries me.[/color][/i]

[i]“Oh he won’t. Just let me take this kids place, and I’ll punish him.”[/i]

[i]“Hmm…….alright. Fine. If he wants you too…..” the ref looked at Fred, who nodded vigorously. “OK. Kid, you can take his number, 4, and take his place.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Well, this story has officially surpassed Path of Anarchy in regards to how idiotically contrived the main character has to get what he wants. The tournament has so far proceeded as follows: Hannah and seven nameless duelist all won their respective duels, leaving eight duelists left, and thus four more duels. Fred is then bullied, either by some random kid, who the narration doesn't establish as being either of Fred's previous opponents. With Fred out of the tournament, there are three other duels. I would presume that the tournament would then allow those matches to proceed as plan, and in the semi-finals, two duelists would duel for a spot in the finals, while the remaining duelist is given victory by default due to Fred's inability to compete any further, and thus that duelist would proceed to the finals. Instead, because Ryu has to participate, he is inexplicably given the opportunity to substitute for another participant in a tournament that he already lost. I could not begin to care how tournaments like these should work in situations like this, but to summarize: This is stupid.[/color]

[i]Julian got back to his bench in time to see Hannah start her next duel. [/i]

[i][align=center] “Let’s Duel!”[align]

“Draw!” shouted Hannah’s opponent, a rather tall boy with brown hair. “I summon Ancient Gear Soldier in attack.” A metal soldier with its gears showing, and looking a little rusty appeared in front of him. “Then I equip it with Ancient Gear Tank. That increases its ATK by 600. (ATK: 1900). Then I’m done. Oh, and my name is Atticus.”[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]The character is named Atticus and uses Ancient Gears? That doesn't remind me of anything.[/color]

[i]“Hi Atticus, I’m Hannah. I’m here to kick your butt. Draw!”[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Hannah wins for that one-liner.[/color]

[color=#008080]A shame that it was a stupid one-liner. Anyway, we're going to skip a bit more of the duel now.[/color]

[i]“Yikes. Draw.” Atticus broke into a smile as he saw his draw. “I activate my Field Magic, Geartown!” Their surroundings turned into a small town, with houses made out of metal and gears. “Now I play Mystical Space Typhoon, and destroy Geartown.”[/i]

[b][i]Why the hell would he kill his own field spell?[/i][/b] [i]Hannah thought.[/i] [b][i]It’s insane.[/i][/b]

[color=#40e0d0][i]You know what Gishkis are.[/i] If you're up-to-date on the card game, then shouldn't you now that when your opponents are seemingly doing an incredibly stupid move, it's actually because they're doing a combo that will screw you over?[/color]

[i]“Now…I use Geartowns special ability. When it’s destroyed, I get to Special Summon one Ancient Gear monster from my deck.”[/i]

[b][i]Oh! That makes sense![/i][/b]

[color=#008080]Congratulations, Hannah, you understood his play. Have a gold star.[/color]

[i]“I choose one of my best monsters, the Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon!” A mechanical dragon descended from the sky, make completely out of rusty gears. Even though it was rather rusted, it looked extremely powerful. It let out a roar that seemed to rumble the earth. (ATK: 3000).[/i]

[b][i]No way. No way! To summon something so powerful that easily….and worse, I can’t activate my Spell and Trap cards when it attacks….crap.[/i][/b]

[color=#008080]So she knows that Gadjitron Dragon's has the standard Ancient Gear negation effect... but she still needed to have Geartown's effect explained to her. Does anyone else see the problem here?[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Well, Gadjitron Dragon was released before Geartown, so that might explain why she didn't know that.[/color]

[color=#008080]Except she's aware that Gishki are one of, if not the best Ritual decks. Face it, the consistency between Hannah's skill as a duelist are nonexistent.[/color]

[i]“Now, Gadjiltron Dragon, attack her Dark Magician!” The dragon flew at the purple-clad wizard, and destroyed him (LP: 2900). “Now I play a card face-down and end my turn.”

Hannah drew, and prayed for something good. “I play Dark Magic Curtain! That allows me to pay half my Life Points and Special Summon a Dark Magician from my deck!” She shook slightly as her Life Points depleted, but then a second purple-garbed wizard was in front of her. (LP: 1450)[/i]

[color=#008080]This always baffled me. Why do you duelists act as though you are in pain when you pay Life Points? I can understand when the Shadow Games are involved, but otherwise it shouldn't shock you or something like that.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]It's for drama, of course![/color]

[color=#008080]In any case, the duel continues onward, so let's skip further ahead.[/color]

[i]“Urrrgh….Draw…..” Hannah stared at the card she drew, a look of disbelief on her face. It won me my last match….. “I summon the Time Wizard!!!! Then I use his effect.” The ref tossed a coin, and she called heads. It spun, spun, and spun. It landed……..on tails. “NO!” Hannah shouted, as her monsters were destroyed. (LP: 0)[/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Time Wizard again? That's just hilarious.[/color]

[i]“And Atticus is the winner!” The ref shouted, as Atticus punched his fist in the air.

“Good game.” He said to Hannah. “I’d like to duel you again sometime.” Walking off towards his bench, Atticus left Hannah to stumble back to Julian.

“Yeesh. How the heck did I not notice that?” Julian said, quite confused.

“How did YOU not notice???” Hannah muttered. “Humph.”

Staring at Hannah with an exasperated look, Julian shrugged and prepped his deck for the next round. He quickly ran inside, and with his allowance, purchased a few packs that gave him just the cards he needed. [b]Perfect. These little suckers will stop that thief’s deck outright.[/b][/i]

[color=#40e0d0]Wait a minute, so if Julian was moaning about how expensive the card packs were, why didn't he just buy cards just before fighting Hannah? If he's now suddenly getting a lot more time to edit his deck, why not do it before.[/color]

[color=#008080]Because that was yet another drawback of the contrived "I'm late!" opening. Fortunately, we have finally reached end of this dreadful story. The opening plot is forgotten as soon as it is presented, the characters are complete morons who give us little reason to care about them, with Fred serving as the most sympathetic character because he doesn't have bursts of paradoxical idiocy. The story does nothing to make me feel inclined to see more of this story aside from hoping that the prologue, in its eight lines of irrelevance, actually serves a purpose later. There is a second chapter up, but a quick glimpse reveals that it just another chapter consisting entirely of duels.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Hey, that's not nice! Listen, Dworkin, keep up the work, but keep in mind that you really need to fix the story. I'll stop by and see how things develop, so don't be discouraged![/color]

[color=#008080]How comforting. In any case, you exceed my low expectations.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Thanks! I think?[/color]

[color=#008080]Alas, I must take my leave. I will let you know when I need your assistance once more.[/color]

[color=#40e0d0]Say, Votek, what can you tell me about this great evil you mentioned? How do you plan to stop it?[/color]

[color=#008080]He is allowing reality to be used as plaything. Suffice it to say, that is something I seek to put an end to. You will meet our allies soon. The Echoes are the key to our victory. Farewell for now, Ryu Ryōshi.[/color]


[color="#008080"]So it's 2012 already, isn't it? Roxas, don't think you can beat me at my own game. I know more about you than you do, and what you can do. You know that end of the world that is supposed to come to pass just before the end of the year? Please. I am the Voice of the Empty King for a reason.[/color][/spoiler]

[Alice Moonflowyr]

[quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1325491289' post='5744118']
[b]Weather Reports. Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is to say, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]

[spoiler=22 Acacia Avenue][color=#008080]Happy New Year, humans. Now that it is officially 2012, the hour of Armageddon approaches. Either those silly conspiracy theories come to pass, or I can speed things up a bit. Alas, more recruits are necessary, and unfortunately, next up is Ryu. I'm rather surprised that this will be my first time at a Duel Academy. Considering how much of a blatant Jaden clone Ryu was, I'm sure he would be in Slifer Red. Now, to draw him out.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Hey, Milo, wake up! You gotta see this! There's some kind of shark outside our dorm! Man, he's a heavy sleeper. I better see what's going on.[/color]

[color=#008080]Salutations, Ryu. Allow me to introduce myself. I am a Duel Spirit by the name of Votek. I require your assistance in defeating a great evil.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]A Duel Spirit? I knew there were real! So, what do you need me to do?[/color]

[color=#008080]Not much, or at least, not at the moment. I simply need your help with reviewing this fanfiction.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Sure! What's it called?[/color]

[color=#008080]It is called [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/271447-yu-gi-oh-arcane-mysteries-pg-13/"][color=#008080]Yu-Gi-Oh! Arcane Mysteries[/color][/url][color=#008080], written by [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/203822-dworkin/"][color=#008080]Dworkin[/color][/url][color=#008080].[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Alright, let's get started![/color]

[color=#008080]We'll begin with the prologue.[/color]

[i]“You cannot banish me! I am stronger than you!” A dark-skinned man in a white coat shouted.[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Sorry, but all I can do is picture this guy as Morgan Freeman as God.[/color]

[i]“Ha ha ha….you cannot begin to imagine the power I have obtained…..Goodbye old friend.” A large, shadowy creature was saying.[/i]

[color=#008080]Obviously this is the villain, but with the first guy's take on "This cannot be!", both of the characters so far have had clichéd villain dialogue. Of course, as Shadow Man regarded the first guy as an old friend, I am sure that these two characters have a long and complicated history that will be developed over the course of-[/color]

[i]It reached out a long clawed hand, and a beam of red-black light shot out, enveloping the man on the ground. When the stream ceased, the man was gone.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh. Well, judging by the opening dialogue, he was just banished, so we'll probably see that later.[/color]

[i]“Now….to capture those pathetic Spirits…”[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Godspeed, generic villain with ambiguous motives![/color]

[i]…[/i]

[i]“Run! Get away!” A large, machine-like Duel Spirit was yelling, its many mechanical tentacles flailing.[/i]

[color=#008080]How exactly is it it machine-like, and yet it possesses mechanical tentacles?[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Maybe it's a Doctor Octopus android![/color]

[color=#008080]That's stupid. However, I'm sure it would still be better than this.[/color]

[i]“Run, Fool run! Get to the portal! Find the professor!”[/i]

[color=#008080]"Fool"? I'll assume that that's just the persons title, but it seems like we have more plot. I'm guessing the professor is the guy that got banished earlier.[/color]

[i]A clownish spirit leapt into the air, and flew off, looking back over its shoulder with a pained look on its face.[/i]

[color=#008080]"Machine-like"? "Clownish"? You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what they think you mean.[/color]

[b][i]I will save you, my brethren. I may only be a Fool, but I will find hero’s to save you.[/i][/b]

[color=#008080]"I will find hero is to save you."[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]The plot isn't really interesting so far. Let's go to chapter one![/color]

[i]Far far away, something was buzzing, a irritating drone that got louder with each attempt to rise the boy lying in bed deep asleep. Or at least he had been until that noise started drilling its way into his dreams. A swat of the arm was enough to end the alarm and allow him back to his peaceful slumber.[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]What did I just read? At least you're using more descriptions, but the metaphors you use as descriptions are just silly.[/color]

[i]Half an hour later, and the boy had struggled to drift back off. Regretfully abandoning the idea, Julian sluggishly hauled himself out of bed with a rub of the eyes, blearily looking across the chaos that was his bedroom.[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Is this really going to be a consistent problem?[/color]

[i]His eyes happened to catch the clock lying on the floor by his feet, staring up at him with 8:30 on its face. Julian stared back for a few seconds, trying to remember why that time seemed vaguely familiar...[/i]

[color=#008080]Oh please don't tell me that-[/color]

[i]"Aw no I overslept!"[/i]

[color=#008080]No. You are not doing this. The cliché of "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!" is overdone, and this is just stupid. Julian was aware of what time he had to be ready, and there was even an alarm clock set to wake him up in time. However, despite the fact he must have known that, he turns off the alarm clock anyway in an attempt to go back to sleep. Instead, Dworkin decided to settled for one of the most convoluted and yet contrived ways to use a cliché that was dead as soon as Ash Ketchum began his Pokémon journey.[/color]

[i]Sudden panic was enough to fully wake him,[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]But apparently a very loud alarm clock isn't.[/color]

[i]as Julian scrambled into his clothes as fast as he could, putting on his jeans the wrong way in his haste (and considering for a fleeting moment that there was no time to even correct himself, before admitting turning up late was probably better than turning up looking like that) before grabbing his deck from his bedside and sprinting downstairs past the rather startled looking woman getting ready for work.[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]If I'm already running late, then I think it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to fix how I'm wearing my pants. I would also at least take a shower.[/color]

[i]"Julian, there's toast out for you."[/i]

[color=#008080]That's your reaction to your son running in a hurry? Were you not informed that he had to be somewhere?[/color]

[i]"Sorry mom, no time see ya later" was the response. Bursting through the front door into the blazing light outside, Julian leapt the gate and hurtled down the street. Of all the days to oversleep, not today. For today was the local Duel Monsters tournament, held at the card shop in town, and if he had half an hour to get there.[/i]

[color=#008080]Of course, it's a card game tournament. The only way this could be even more stupid if all the spots are full and yet Julian manages to get into the tournament anyway.[/color]

[i]At exactly 8:57AM, Julian was leaning doubled over against the front window of the card shop. "Just... about... made it!" he wheezed under his breath, before going inside...

The store clerk stood at a crude podium in the middle of a crowd of kids. “Everyone, I assume you know why you’re here. For the tournament!” The clerks attempt at a joke was met with a stony silence. “Okay…..uhhh…well, if you check the listings, you will find a number next to your name. Please have a seat while you wait. We will call out the numbers, and when your number is called, please step up.”[/i]

[color=#008080]So Julian already took the initiative to reserve a spot. Things seems to be getting better.[/color]

[i]Julian’s number was 14. Looking at the list of competitors, he saw that there were 15 other people in the competition.[/i] [b][i]Yikes. I’m gonna be hard-pressed to win this.[/i][/b] [i]Glancing at some of the new products, Julian groaned.[/i] [b][i]Why do these always have to be so damn expensive! $10 bucks for a three-pack of cards….geez.[/i][/b]

[color=#40E0D0]Packs usually cost at least $3.99, so buying a three-pack should have been at least twelve dollars. He's actually claiming that a sale is expensive? It's also only ten dollars, which really isn't that much.[/color]

[i]People started to settle down, the participants sitting on benches, the spectators on the ground. The card shop had decided to hold the tournament outside, seeing as the shop itself was too small to fit all the people who came. The clerk announced for the first two duelists to step up, calling Julian and some girl, around 13 years old, with fiery red hair tied in a ponytail. [/i]

[color=#008080]I sense love interest.[/color]

[i][align=center] “DUEL!” [/align] [/i]

[color=#008080]Because having both characters say the same line means that it has to be centered.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Anyone who wants to read the full duel and just read the fic, so let's just skip it.[/color]

[color=#008080]Actually, let's just through the first half, because the duel is passable until the second half.[/color]

[i]“AAARGH!” Julian exclaimed as he took the hit. (LP: 200) “Draw!” Julian let out a sigh of relief as he looked at the card he just drew. “Ok, you showed your best. Now I show mine. I activate Black Illusion Ritual! I send the Glow-Up Bulb from my hand to the graveyard to ritual summon Relinquished!” A strange blue-silver creature, with a conical bottom and a long neck, on the end of which was one eye, showed up in front of Julian. (ATK: 0)[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]I don't see what's wrong.[/color]

[i]“Zero attack?!?! There’s no way that little runt can take on Dark Paladin!”[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Wait, does she not know Relinquished's effect? She has Dark Paladin! She should at least know about a card as old as Relinquished and what it does![/color]

[i]“Wanna bet? I activate Relinquished’s special ability! I can select one monster you control and equip it to Relinquished! Guess who I’m choosing?” Relinquished went over to the Dark Paladin and absorbed it, gaining its strength. “Relinquished gains ATK equal to the equipped monsters ATK!” (ATK: 2900) “Attack her Dark Magician Girl!” Julian then ended his turn.

(Julian) FR: Relinquished (DP) BR: - Hand: 0 LP: 200

(Hannah) FR: - BR: 1 facedown Hand: 0 LP: 3100[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Do you always have to remind us about their stats? Can't you just let us figure it out for ourselves.[/color]

[i]“Draw.” Hannah looked at the only card in her hand, and her face fell a bit. Then she shrugged. “Alright, I summon Time Wizard!” A clock with eyes, arms, and legs dropped in front of Hannah. It looked a bit like a jester with a rod (ATK: 500). “Then I use his effect! I toss a coin, and call it. If I call it right, all your monsters are destroyed. If I call it wrong…all my monsters are destroyed and I take damage equal to half their attack. I call heads!” The coin spun, spun, and spun and landed. On heads. “YEEES! Goodbye Relinquished! Then Time Wizard will attack you directly!” (LP: 0).[/i]

[i]Julian fell to his knees as his Life Points sunk to zero.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh, so Julian lost his first duel. That's actually somewhat surprising.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]HAHAHAHAHA HE GOT BEATEN BY TIME WIZARD. Sure, Mai Valentine lost to Time Wizard, but at least that was Thousand Dragon beating her Harpies. Here he lost to [i]a direct attack from [b]Time Wizard[/b][/i].[/color]

[color=#008080]I'm so glad that his rushed awakening was all for naught.[/color]

[i]The crowd of people watching cheered for Hannah. She walked over to Julian and offered her hand. He took it, and Hannah helped him up.

“Thanks,” Julian said. “You’re great, what deck is that?”

“It's based on Dark Magician, but the ace is Dark Paladin.” [b][i]No way am I telling him about my REAL ace.[/i][/b][/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Wait, why did we suddenly hear Hannah's thoughts?[/color]

[i]Obviously Hannah is the real main character. I'm not sure if that's much of an improvement, if at all.[/i]

[i]“Cool. Bet you can tell what mine is.”

“Rituals. Duh. Frankly, I expected Herald or Gishki.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Wait, Gishkis exist in this story? Why doesn't Julian use them?[/color]

[i]“Nope. Those are too expensive. I use old-class rituals. Relinquished is the ace of course.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Seriously? He really can't save up money or ask his parents to buy cards? Instead, he ops to use a weak deck? There seriously nothing else he could use?[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Hey, come on, the story is supposed to be realistic.[/color]

[color=#008080]Perhaps, but keep in mind that Julian is currently on par with Yuma as a weak protagonist. True, it establishes that he's a loser and thus his inevitable victory will be more triumphant, but right now all we've seen of Julian is that he is irresponsible and thinks that a mere ten dollars is expensive. Truly he must think that anyone who owns a television is a trillionaire.[/color]

[i]…

Julian watched the next 7 duels intently. He noted many different decks, but not surprisingly, he and Hannah were the best duelists there.[/i]

[color=#008080]Except there are duelists who actually managed to win their duels. The same can not be said for you, and other duels could have lasted longer than you. How could you possibly conclude that you are the only good duelist present besides Hannah? If he watched the following duels with a critical eye, did his analysis honestly result in "Yes, the crappy Ritual deck I got because I'm a pennypincher will easily defeat all of their decks"?[/color]

[i]“Alright, here we are on the next round! First, we have numbers 13 and 4!” Two children stepped up, and started to duel. Their decks seemed to be chock-full of normal monsters, and Julian wondered how on earth they made it to the finals.[/i]

[color=#008080]Huh, so that's why Julian is the second-best duelist there: Everyone else is just horrible at building a deck.[/color]

[i]After their duel, Julian wandered around for a bit, and saw the winner getting bullied by some other kid. The winner, Fred, had gotten knocked down by the other boy, who had taken his deck and Duel Disk and run off. Julian ran over to Fred, who was laying on the ground sobbing.

“C-c-can you get my deck back mister? That jerk Jose took my deck and Disk from me!” Fred asked shakily.[/i]

[color=#008080]How old is Julian, actually? Hannah is described as a teenager, and Fred addressed Julian as "mister", which really doesn't seem too common a thing to call someone who I assume is sixteen.[/color]

[i]“Yeah sure. That little brat isn’t gonna get away with this…..”

Julian took Fred to the ref and explained what happened.

“But….we should catch this kid. He can’t get away with stealing.” The ref said.[/i]


[i][color=#40E0D0]Say, wasn't the plot supposed to be about some evil shadowy force banishing some guy, and a couple duel spirits trying to save some important professor who may or may not be the banished guy? What happened to that?[/color][/i]

[i][color=#008080]Quiet, Ryu. You are making too much sense, and that worries me.[/color][/i]

[i]“Oh he won’t. Just let me take this kids place, and I’ll punish him.”[/i]

[i]“Hmm…….alright. Fine. If he wants you too…..” the ref looked at Fred, who nodded vigorously. “OK. Kid, you can take his number, 4, and take his place.”[/i]

[color=#008080]Well, this story has officially surpassed Path of Anarchy in regards to how idiotically contrived the main character has to get what he wants. The tournament has so far proceeded as follows: Hannah and seven nameless duelist all won their respective duels, leaving eight duelists left, and thus four more duels. Fred is then bullied, either by some random kid, who the narration doesn't establish as being either of Fred's previous opponents. With Fred out of the tournament, there are three other duels. I would presume that the tournament would then allow those matches to proceed as plan, and in the semi-finals, two duelists would duel for a spot in the finals, while the remaining duelist is given victory by default due to Fred's inability to compete any further, and thus that duelist would proceed to the finals. Instead, because Ryu has to participate, he is inexplicably given the opportunity to substitute for another participant in a tournament that he already lost. I could not begin to care how tournaments like these should work in situations like this, but to summarize: This is stupid.[/color]

[i]Julian got back to his bench in time to see Hannah start her next duel. [/i]

[i][align=center] “Let’s Duel!”[align]

“Draw!” shouted Hannah’s opponent, a rather tall boy with brown hair. “I summon Ancient Gear Soldier in attack.” A metal soldier with its gears showing, and looking a little rusty appeared in front of him. “Then I equip it with Ancient Gear Tank. That increases its ATK by 600. (ATK: 1900). Then I’m done. Oh, and my name is Atticus.”[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]The character is named Atticus and uses Ancient Gears? That doesn't remind me of anything.[/color]

[i]“Hi Atticus, I’m Hannah. I’m here to kick your butt. Draw!”[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Hannah wins for that one-liner.[/color]

[color=#008080]A shame that it was a stupid one-liner. Anyway, we're going to skip a bit more of the duel now.[/color]

[i]“Yikes. Draw.” Atticus broke into a smile as he saw his draw. “I activate my Field Magic, Geartown!” Their surroundings turned into a small town, with houses made out of metal and gears. “Now I play Mystical Space Typhoon, and destroy Geartown.”[/i]

[b][i]Why the hell would he kill his own field spell?[/i][/b] [i]Hannah thought.[/i] [b][i]It’s insane.[/i][/b]

[color=#40E0D0][i]You know what Gishkis are.[/i] If you're up-to-date on the card game, then shouldn't you now that when your opponents are seemingly doing an incredibly stupid move, it's actually because they're doing a combo that will screw you over?[/color]

[i]“Now…I use Geartowns special ability. When it’s destroyed, I get to Special Summon one Ancient Gear monster from my deck.”[/i]

[b][i]Oh! That makes sense![/i][/b]

[color=#008080]Congratulations, Hannah, you understood his play. Have a gold star.[/color]

[i]“I choose one of my best monsters, the Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon!” A mechanical dragon descended from the sky, make completely out of rusty gears. Even though it was rather rusted, it looked extremely powerful. It let out a roar that seemed to rumble the earth. (ATK: 3000).[/i]

[b][i]No way. No way! To summon something so powerful that easily….and worse, I can’t activate my Spell and Trap cards when it attacks….crap.[/i][/b]

[color=#008080]So she knows that Gadjitron Dragon's has the standard Ancient Gear negation effect... but she still needed to have Geartown's effect explained to her. Does anyone else see the problem here?[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Well, Gadjitron Dragon was released before Geartown, so that might explain why she didn't know that.[/color]

[color=#008080]Except she's aware that Gishki are one of, if not the best Ritual decks. Face it, the consistency between Hannah's skill as a duelist are nonexistent.[/color]

[i]“Now, Gadjiltron Dragon, attack her Dark Magician!” The dragon flew at the purple-clad wizard, and destroyed him (LP: 2900). “Now I play a card face-down and end my turn.”

Hannah drew, and prayed for something good. “I play Dark Magic Curtain! That allows me to pay half my Life Points and Special Summon a Dark Magician from my deck!” She shook slightly as her Life Points depleted, but then a second purple-garbed wizard was in front of her. (LP: 1450)[/i]

[color=#008080]This always baffled me. Why do you duelists act as though you are in pain when you pay Life Points? I can understand when the Shadow Games are involved, but otherwise it shouldn't shock you or something like that.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]It's for drama, of course![/color]

[color=#008080]In any case, the duel continues onward, so let's skip further ahead.[/color]

[i]“Urrrgh….Draw…..” Hannah stared at the card she drew, a look of disbelief on her face. It won me my last match….. “I summon the Time Wizard!!!! Then I use his effect.” The ref tossed a coin, and she called heads. It spun, spun, and spun. It landed……..on tails. “NO!” Hannah shouted, as her monsters were destroyed. (LP: 0)[/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Time Wizard again? That's just hilarious.[/color]

[i]“And Atticus is the winner!” The ref shouted, as Atticus punched his fist in the air.

“Good game.” He said to Hannah. “I’d like to duel you again sometime.” Walking off towards his bench, Atticus left Hannah to stumble back to Julian.

“Yeesh. How the heck did I not notice that?” Julian said, quite confused.

“How did YOU not notice???” Hannah muttered. “Humph.”

Staring at Hannah with an exasperated look, Julian shrugged and prepped his deck for the next round. He quickly ran inside, and with his allowance, purchased a few packs that gave him just the cards he needed. [b]Perfect. These little suckers will stop that thief’s deck outright.[/b][/i]

[color=#40E0D0]Wait a minute, so if Julian was moaning about how expensive the card packs were, why didn't he just buy cards just before fighting Hannah? If he's now suddenly getting a lot more time to edit his deck, why not do it before.[/color]

[color=#008080]Because that was yet another drawback of the contrived "I'm late!" opening. Fortunately, we have finally reached end of this dreadful story. The opening plot is forgotten as soon as it is presented, the characters are complete morons who give us little reason to care about them, with Fred serving as the most sympathetic character because he doesn't have bursts of paradoxical idiocy. The story does nothing to make me feel inclined to see more of this story aside from hoping that the prologue, in its eight lines of irrelevance, actually serves a purpose later. There is a second chapter up, but a quick glimpse reveals that it just another chapter consisting entirely of duels.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Hey, that's not nice! Listen, Dworkin, keep up the work, but keep in mind that you really need to fix the story. I'll stop by and see how things develop, so don't be discouraged![/color]

[color=#008080]How comforting. In any case, you exceed my low expectations.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Thanks! I think?[/color]

[color=#008080]Alas, I must take my leave. I will let you know when I need your assistance once more.[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Say, Votek, what can you tell me about this great evil you mentioned? How do you plan to stop it?[/color]

[color=#008080]He is allowing reality to be used as plaything. Suffice it to say, that is something I seek to put an end to. You will meet our allies soon. The Echoes are the key to our victory. Farewell for now, Ryu Ryōshi.[/color]


[color=#008080]So it's 2012 already, isn't it? Roxas, don't think you can beat me at my own game. I know more about you than you do, and what you can do. You know that end of the world that is supposed to come to pass just before the end of the year? Please. I am the Voice of the Empty King for a reason.[/color][/spoiler]
[/quote]Lol. Thanks for the review.

I will most definatly improve the quality of this. And I hope to pull the plot together in...one chapter actually. The next one should have the plot starting to reveal itself.

And I guess ur right. I will adjust prices. Duel monsters are supposed to be rather expensive in this world.

Heard of understanding some cards, but not all?
[quote][i]“Run! Get away!” A large, machine-like Duel Spirit was yelling, its many mechanical tentacles flailing.[/i]

[color=#008080]How exactly is it it machine-like, and yet it possesses mechanical tentacles?[/color]

[color=#40E0D0]Maybe it's a Doctor Octopus android![/color]

[color=#008080]That's stupid. However, I'm sure it would still be better than this.[/color]

[i]“Run, Fool run! Get to the portal! Find the professor!”[/i]

[color=#008080]"Fool"? I'll assume that that's just the persons title, but it seems like we have more plot. I'm guessing the professor is the guy that got banished earlier.[/color]

[i]A clownish spirit leapt into the air, and flew off, looking back over its shoulder with a pained look on its face.[/i]

[color=#008080]"Machine-like"? "Clownish"? You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what they think you mean.[/color]

[b][i]I will save you, my brethren. I may only be a Fool, but I will find hero’s to save you.[/i][/b]
[/quote]Thats how I see the spirits. Dont worry. If you read this once it gets good(doubt it)then all will be explained in time.
And yes, Julian arrived in time for the duel to start, but had no time to buy cards. I might use a few cliches, but hey! Just because their cliche doesnt mean the dont work! Look at the first few chapters of [i]Chronicles of Amber.[/i] Main charachter wakes up with amnesia. Cliched right? Well, Zelazny takes that cliche and twists it up so its no longer cliche. In his story anyway. Cliches are good sometimes.

Anyway, it seems like you cant do anything these days without it being cliched......

[Phantom Roxas]

I actually don't really mind the "Main characters with amnesia" thing, but the lateness factor really has gotten old, and as I pointed out, the lengths you went to make it happen were just silly. And sure, there are cards I understand that were released after other cards I don't know, but I still think that since Relinquished is such an old card, she must have known about it and retained the knowledge. I've heard of [i]Chronicles of Amber[/i], but I only saw the movie, which wasn't entirely memorable, but not bad and probably rather different from the book.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

Movie. They ruined. One of the greatest series of all time. With a movie. *raeg*

If I was gonna put this on a timeline......I would put it a little after GX, but waaaay before 5D's. So Synchro's dont exist yet, but I will put in some of the decks that dont use Synchs.

Also, just a warning for some of you people: One of the main characters will run an E-HERO deck. This is not because I like Anime Jaden, it is because I genuinely like Fusion HEROes. So no complaining.

[quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1325524184' post='5744418']
I actually don't really mind the "Main characters with amnesia" thing, but the lateness factor really has gotten old, and as I pointed out, the lengths you went to make it happen were just silly. And sure, there are cards I understand that were released after other cards I don't know, but I still think that since Relinquished is such an old card, she must have known about it and retained the knowledge. I've heard of [i]Chronicles of Amber[/i], but I only saw the movie, which wasn't entirely memorable, but not bad and probably rather different from the book.
[/quote]My mom just looked it up, and there is no movie. What did you see?

[Phantom Roxas]

I was thinking of City of Ember. Complete unrelated, actually; I just confused the titles.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

Oh.

you should really read the Amber books.