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Yu-Gi-Oh! NT (Added Chapter 5! Please rate!) [PG-16]

Rideouter

By Rideouter
in Creative Writing

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Weather Report - Stand Newbie

Weather Report - Stand

Posted
Posted

I think that your third chapter is really... bad. So I'm going to re-write it in a more edited way, but if you don't want me to post this, I'll delete it.

 

 

“Not this time, brother!" Shouri roared! "I activate the effect of Guardian Drag – Heated Dragon! If one of my monsters is the target of a monster attack I can send this card from my hand to the Graveyard to destroy the attacking monster.” She discarded the said card to the graveyard, summoning the flaming dragon, just long enough to use its effect. The Guardian Dragon flexed its mighty wings and let out an ear-piercing shriek!! Then, it flew headlong into the Dark Strike Fighter, crashing through it!

 

“It may have gotten destroyed, but you also lose Life Points equal to the Strike Fighter's Attack Points!” Fuka exclaimed.

 

Hima and Shouri: 4400

Fuka: 8000

 

“I set a card face-down and end my turn.” He finished, scowling.

 

“Let’s go!” Hima shouted as he drew a card from his deck. “I summon to the field Six Samurai - Yaichi in attack position. (WATER/Warrior/Level 3/ATK 1300/ DEF 800)” An archer clad in brownish orange armor erupts from the ground and readies his bow and arrow, ready to shoot. “ Now, because I have another Six Samurai face-up on the field with a different name, I activate Yaichi’s effect and choose to destroy your face-down Spell or Trap Card. Under Arrow!” Yaichi leaped up and shot one of his arrows at the face-down card. His arrow shone brightly and was instantly surrounded by water.

 

“Not if I activate this first! I flip over my Trap Card, Call of the Haunted!" Fuka announces as mist fazes through the ground, bringing with it the Dark Strike Fighter. "With this card I can select and Special Summon one monster that's in my Graveyard. I choose Dark Strike Fighter!”

Yaichi’s arrow was still flying towards Strike Fighter, until it effortlessly knocked it away.

 

“Damn. I set two face-downs and end my turn.” Hima finished. Two more cards appeared on his field.

 

“Alright!” Fuka shouted as he drew a card from his deck. His face lit up when he saw this one. “Yes!! I activate the Spell Card, Polymerization, to fuse together my Elemental Hero Ocean from my hand and my Royal Swamp Eel, in order to create…” A blue man with a dorsal fin on his head jumped out from Fuka's hand and the blue eel follows behind it. They both twisted together, creating a wormhole in the sky! “Elemental Hero Absolute Zero! (WATER/Level 8/Warrior/ATK 2500/DEF 2000)” He finished exclaiming, as a blue man clad in icy armor emerged from the wormhole. He slowly glided to the ground, with his blue cape slowly flowing in the now-cold breeze. “And now I'll activate Phantom of Chaos’s effect and remove Oyster Meister from play, in order for Chaos to be treated as that monster. Go, Dead Duplicate!” The Phantom of Chaos morphed into the shape of a man wearing round seashells around his body. “Now I destroy it in order for you to receive damage equal to its level. Go, Dark Strike Fade!” Strike fighter grabs the swirling black mist man and crushes it, only leaving a white orb in its place.

“Now I activate its new effect; when it's sent to the Graveyard except by battle I can place one Oyster Token on my side of the field! (WATER//Level 1/Fish/ATK 0/DEF 0)” A brown oyster dropped from the air and landed in the Strike Fighter’s hand. He crushed it and a second white orb appeared from the remains. He throws both orbs at Hima, hitting him and exploding violently, causing him to fall to his knees!

 

Hima and Shouri: 3000

Fuka: 8000

 

“Hima," Shouri asked as she rushed over to the knelt Hima, "Are you alright?” Shouri asked as she rushed over to the knelt Hima.

 

“Go away!” Hima barked at her as she tried to lift him up.

 

“Hima……” Shouri whined as she backed away to her spot.

 

“Now if you too ass-wipes are done with the drama, attack Yaichi, Strike Fighter!” Fuka commanded as Strike Fighter charged at the samurai archer.

 

“Sharpen your blade; I activate the Trap Card, Samurai Foresight!" Hima interrupted as Yaichi readied an arrow in his bow. "By sending one “Six Samurai” monster from my hand to my Graveyard and paying 500 Life Points I can destroy the attacking monster and you receive damage equal to the destroyed monster’s Attack Points!” He fired his arrow, piercing Strike Fighter’s stomach, finally causing him to crash into the ground, violently flaming.

 

“Damn.” Fuka said as the Strike Fighter self-destructed.

 

Hima and Shouri: 2500

Fuka: 5200

 

“But I can still attack with Absolute Zero! Go, Absolute Chill!” He continued to command as his blue knight jumped up into the crisp air. Snow began to fall from the now-darkened sky, swirling around Yaichi in a violent cyclone.

 

“Almost, but I activate the Quick-Play Spell Card, Scrolls of the Six Samurai…..” Hima said as he flipped over his card.

 

Six scrolls emerge from the card. Purple, green, and red colored scrolls wrapped around Yaichi. Yellow, orange, and black scrolls wrapped around Nisashi. Then they simultaneously exploded! “…..I tribute two Six Samurais in order to Special Summon the Great Shogun Shien from my deck!” A large man emerges from the smoke left by the detonation. His heavy, red armor shimmered in the sun that broke through the cleared sky. His helmet erupts in a blaze, enveloping the field in an intense crimson.

 

“Well then, I can still attack redirect my attack to your Grandmaster! Go!” Fuka yelled! Absolute Zero continued to darken the sky and summon a snowfall. Then it began swirling around the Grandmaster of the Six Samurai, freezing him solid! Finally, Absolute Zero concluded his attack by summoning a gigantic icicle sword and cleaving his opponent in half with one swift strike!! The Grandmaster simply shattered into pieces.

 

“Grandmaster!” Hima cried, as his Life Points began to fall.

 

Hima and Shouri: 2100

Fuka: 5200

 

“I set a face-down and end my turn.” Fuka finished, finally.

 

“Allow me!” Shouri shouted. She drew a card from her deck. “First I activate the Trap Card, Double-Edged Sword Technique, to bring back the Six Samurai Irou and the Grandmaster!” [irou: (DARK/Warrior/Level 4/ATK 1700/DEF 1200)] The aged swordsman erupted from the ground, dusting dirt off of his dark armor. Mist shrouded the street from the alley ways and disperses, leaving a long-haired blind folded samurai in its wake.

 

“Wait, those are my cards! What are you going to do with those?” Hima asked. Shouri smiled mischievously.

 

“I'll remove them from play in order to Fusion Summon my guardian, The Six Samurai - Guardian Irou! (EARTH/Warrior/Level 9/ATK 2600/DEF 500)” A heavily, dark armored swordsman fell from the sky, landing with such force that he crushed some of the street, making a small crater. After he'd landed, four diamond-shaped shields appeared on his back.

 

Hima’s mouth droped as he watched the familiar swordsman stand up.

“How….did you get that mons-“ Hima paused as he scanned through his fusion deck. “That IS my card! You took it straight from my deck!” he exclaimed!

 

“You didn’t think that I'd stay at the hospital without looking through your deck, did you?” Shouri smirked.

 

"Forget looking, you STOLE from me!!"

 

But Hima was ignored as Shouri commanded, “Now, my Guardian, attack that blue thing. Diamond Collapse!!” The warrior gracefully sprang into the air. He raised his right arm, allowing the four shields on his back to cover it. It then came down upon Absolute Zero, causing a big explosion from the sheer force of his attack.

 

“Before that happened...I activated my Trap Card, Wobaku." Fuka said. "It allows me to receive zero damage and my monsters cannot be destroyed by battle.” Gaudian Irou backed away and noticed that Absolute Zero was completely covered by a thin film of white aura.

 

“Fine. I send from my hand to my Graveyard two Gaurdian Drag - Solar Dragons, in order to bring back my Six Samurais Nisashi and Yaichi. Sunset!” Shouri replied as two large, yellow dragons spun through the ground carrying the archer and the swordsman along with them. They both jumped off of their backs and landed with a thud. “I set a face-down and end my turn. During the end phase of my turn I lose one thousand Life Points for each card that was Special Summon by my Solar Dragon.”

 

Hima and Shouri: 100

Fuka: 5200

“My move!” Fuka yelled as he drew his next card from his deck. “Absolute Zero, now attack Yaichi!” he ordered as Zero raises his arm, summoning the cyclone once more.

 

“I discard my Guardian Drag - Iron Dragon," Shouri interrupted. "It negates the attack of your monster.” A silver-colored shield with the head of a dragon emerged and melted the snow, ending the assault.

 

“Damn it! I set two face-downs and end my turn.” Fuka growled.

 

“I'm going to end this!” Hima yelled as he drew. “Let's go Guardian, attack Zero!” The soldier charged at Absolute Zero and summoned his diamond shields once again! His blade finally hit its mark, utterly destroying Absolute Zero once and for all.

 

Hima and Shouri: 100

Fuka: 5100

 

“I activate Absolute Zero's effect, which destroys all of my opponent's monsters when he leaves the field!" Fuka waved his arm and a giant torrent of snow and ice covered the playing field.

 

“Not really. Because Gaudian Irou is face-up on the field, Six Samurai monsters can't be destroyed by card effects EXCEPT for him.” Hima laughed, full of confidence. The Guardian used his shields one last time, covering his allies with them. The ice froze him and Great Shogun Shien, killing them.

 

“Dammit!” Fuka yelled, as he knew what was coming.

 

“Now Nisashi, attack him with Double Swallow!” Nisashi teleported in front of Fuka, striking him with one of his swords.

 

Hima and Shouri: 100

Fuka: 3700

 

“Nisashi can attack again if I control another Six Samurai!” Nisashi then cut Fuka’s chest with his second sabre.

 

Hima and Shouri: 100

Fuka: 2300

 

“Yaichi, follow up, with Peircing Arrow!” Yaichi knelt down on one knee and expertly fired one of his arrows, piercing Fuka’s leg.

 

"AARGH!!" Fuka yelled, enraged and humiliated by his foes' onslaught, for the second time this week.

 

Hima and Shouri: 100

Fuka: 1000

 

“I activate the Trap Card, Escape from the Dark Dimension!" Hima continued, flipping up his face-down card! "I can Special Summon one DARK monster that was removed from play, and I choose Six Samurai Irou!” A large hole appeared from the sky. The hole released a loud ringing sound which sent forth a dark mass of energy. As the form landed on the ground the ringing and hole subsided. The darkness “stood” up and took the form of a human male. With a flash of light in its place stood Irou, stretching as if he'd just woken up!

 

“Irou, let's end this game! BLIND EDGE!!” Irou flew towards, Fuka, drawing his shining blade!

 

“Your loss, jabroni. I activate the Trap Card, Aquatic Guardian. Once per turn I can remove from play one WATER monster from my Graveyard in order for the damage that I receive from an attack becomes zero. I remove Elemental Hero Absolute Zero from my Grave.” Within the blink of an eye, Absolute Zero appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Irou’s arm, stopping his slash from completing.

 

“Dammit! I was so close!” Hima cried as his Life Points counted down to zero due to Solar Dragon's effect.

 

As the holograms faded two of Fuka’s gang members grab Shouri from behind. Fuka walks over to Hima as he fell on his knees and pulled out his gun.

"You're so dead! YOU'RE DEAD!!"

Fuka, thought Shouri, I'm... sorry I couldn't save you again...

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

Compare this with your original version. Notice how I changed a lot of grammar and descriptions. Also, I kept the attacks consistent, since you had three different moves for Absolute Zero and forgot about his OCG ability OUT of the manga, which did the same as your Trap card. You also, time and time again, forgot to NOT use past-tense and present-tense in the same story. Stop using words like 'using' and 'punching'; use 'used' and 'punched'. And add some more dialogue to make it feel more normal. Try to make your stories closer to this.

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Rideouter Newbie

Rideouter

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Wow, that was ALOT better than my first one. So from what I see I need to work on:

1. Describe in a more entertaining way.

2. Have them talk more in order to get them more "human" like.

 

If i missed any fill free to tell me. And for Absolute Zero's effect I knew that it destroyes all cards on my side of the field but I wanted to "cheat" and have it so that it didn't have it haha.

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