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Are you the funniest person on Earth? (POLL ADDED)

Nishi-chan

By Nishi-chan
in General

What's the funniest joke?  

1 member has voted

  1. 1. What's the funniest joke?

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Jinzo Newbie

Jinzo

Posted
Posted

Funniest Joke in the World

 

Opening Scene:

A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.

 

Voice Over:

This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes.

In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

 

Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.

 

Voice Over:

It was obvious that this joke was lethal...

no one could read it and live...

 

Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

 

Commentator:

This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.

Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

 

Inspector:

I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

 

About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.

 

Inspector:

I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...

 

(Points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby)

 

The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

 

(He gives a signal.)

 

The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

 

Commentator:

There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not,

this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous

and gallant acts in police history.

 

The inspector suddenly appears at the door,

helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft.

He collapses and dies.

Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

 

Voice Over:

It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

 

 

 

Cut to door at Ham House.

Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider

hurries in carrying armoured box.

 

Notice on door:

"Conference. No Admittance"

 

Dispatch rider rushes in.

A door opens for him and closes behind him.

We hear a mighty roar of laughter...

A series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

 

Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.

Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass

peering anxiously out.

 

Voice Over:

Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox.

Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain.

He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable.

Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.

Cut in to corporal's face-registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily.

Man on top of pillbox waves flag.

The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal.

He peers at it, thinks about its meaning,

snickers, and dies.

Two watching generals are very impressed.

 

Generals:

Fantastic.

 

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

 

Colonel:

All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

 

Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.

 

Voice Over:

So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy

in the Ardennes...

 

Commanding NCO:

Tell the... joke.

 

Joke Brigade:

(together)

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

 

Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.

 

Voice Over:

It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...

 

Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing

the "Peace in our time" treaty.

 

...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

 

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

 

Hitler:

SUBTITLE

MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE

 

A young soldier responds:

SUBTITLE

HOW DOES HE SMELL?

 

Hitler:

SUBTITLE

AWFUL'

 

Voice Over:

In action it was deadly.

 

Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.

 

Corporal:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

 

Sniper falls laughing out of tree.

 

Joke Brigade:

(charging)

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

 

They chant the joke.

Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.

 

Voice Over:

The German casualties were appalling.

 

Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.

Cut to Nazi interrogation room.

An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face.

A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.

 

Nazi:

Vott is the big joke?

 

Officer:

I can only give you name, rank,

and why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Nazi:

That's not funny!

(slaps him)

I vant to know the joke.

 

Officer:

All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

 

Nazi:

(momentarily fooled)

I don't know... how do you make a Nazi cross?

 

Officer:

Tread on his corns.

(does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

 

Nazi:

Gott in Hiramell That's not funny!

(mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his

hands to provide the sound effct)

Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

 

Officer:

I can stand physical pain, you know.

 

Nazi:

Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

 

Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.

 

Officer:

Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

 

They stop tickling him.

 

Nazi:

Quick Otto. The typewriter.

 

Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.

 

Officer:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

 

Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.

 

Nazi:

Ach! Zat iss not funny!

 

Nazi burts into laughter and dies.

A German guard bursts in with machine gun,

The British officer leaps on the table.

 

 

 

 

 

Officer:

(lightning speed)

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

 

The guard reels back and collapses laughing.

British officer makes his escape.

Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.

 

Voice Over:

But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44,

the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

 

A German general is seated at an imposing desk.

Behind him stands Otto, labelled "A Different Gestapo Officer". Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

 

German Joker:

Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

 

He finishes and looks hopeful.

 

Otto:

We let you know.

 

He shoots him. Film of German sdentists.

 

Voice Over:

But by December their joke was ready,

and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke

to be broadcast in English.

 

Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.

 

Radio:

(crackly German voice)

Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

 

Radio bunts into "Deutschland Uber Alles".

The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.

Cut to modern BBC 2 interview.

The commentator in a woodland glade.

 

Commentator (Eric Idle):

In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke.

Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

 

He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:

"To The Unknown Joke".

Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.

Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

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Blamonchesix Newbie

Blamonchesix

Posted
Posted

Sorry. I must interrupt.

 

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

 

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

 

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

 

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

 

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

 

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

 

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

 

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

 

The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

 

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

 

The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

 

The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

 

The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

 

“Where did you learn that?”

 

The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

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Kizzi Newbie

Kizzi

Posted
Posted

How did Jesus invent Football (Soccer)?

 

When he was going for the cross but got nailed down by two defenders.

 

Mah joke haz no love?

 

Your joke is good but this one is better:

 

Sorry. I must interrupt.

 

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

 

Out of the blue' date=' the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

 

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

 

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

 

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

 

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

 

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

 

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

 

The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

 

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

 

The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

 

The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

 

The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

 

“Where did you learn that?”

 

The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

[/quote']

 

=D

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Lyfe. Newbie

Lyfe.

Posted
Posted

Am I the funniest person on Earth?

 

yeah

 

I beg to differ! I am most certainly the funnies person on Earth, and if you don't like it, you can go make a thread named "I am Seta Sojiro, and I think I am the funniest person in Loserville on Uranus!

 

Love you ;D

 

Srsly, no hard feelings. Just a joke (and a rather bad one at that)

 

Srsly srsly, I am funniest of all.

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Hell-Razor Newbie

Hell-Razor

Posted
Posted

K here are 2 from me, some slightly rude bits in them

 

[spoiler=Joke 1]There is a competition running in a bar, to see who can make a donkey laugh, so after bout 3 or 4 hours nobody can manage it, just then 2 guys walk in and decide to give it a go,the 1st guy tries but can't get the donkey to laugh so the 2nd guy walks up looks at the donkey then walks over and whispers something in his ear the donkey looks at the man and then busts out laughing, so as the man goes up to collect his prize the barman says be sure to come back next week, when you gotta try make the donkey cry the man says ok, and returns the next week, waiting for a few hours nobody can get the donkey to cry, so eventually the man gets up brings the donkey into the toilet and after a minute the man walks out followed by the donkey who is crying, amazed the barman walks up to the man and says how did you manage to make the donkey laugh and this week make him cry, well the man says lat week i told him i have a bigger dick then him, this week i showed him

 

 

[spoiler=Joke 2]There are these 2 guys working on a high building, and 1 of the guys needs to go toilet(number 2) and says he won't make it down to the bottom in time, so the other guy tells him to go out to the edge of the beam and he will stay on the other end to balance it, so the guy agrees after a few minutes the guy balancing the beam heres the other man shout to him i forgot paper get me some, so forgetting he gets up which causes the other man to fall, where he gets impaled with a pipe up the backside, so the man who was impaled brings other guy to court and judge tells the accused guy to stand up and tell his side of story, so guys says well he went out on the beam and went to toilet and he then asked me to get him paper, so i got up and he fell down on the pipe which impaled his ass, the judge doesn't like the man swearing so replies rectum, to which the man says recked him i nearly bloody killed him

 

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Jord200 Newbie

Jord200

Posted
Posted

take 4!

its the worst rain storm of the cenrury. a phone call to 911 comes in. MAN- hello operator? help! I'm standing in 2 inchs of water! OPERATOR- now calm down. 2 inches of water is no reason to call 911. MAN- I'm on the 4th floor!

and for back up

what state has more places to drive than anywhere? rhode island

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SmallieBigs Newbie

SmallieBigs

Posted
Posted

Okay this is the joke about the three duel monsters

 

There was Reliquished, Honest and Yubel - You Suck Form

Okay they were driving up the Big City then Relinquished fell out the Gradius, half way to Little City Honest jumped out to pick up Reliquished. At the border to Rainbow Ruins town a Patroid pulled up and said "What's your form Yubel."

"You Suck."

"What did you say young man-woman!"

"You Suck!"

"No seriously!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"WHERE'S YOUR HONESTY YUBEL!"

"IN BIG CITY PICKING UP RELINQUISHED!!"

"OKAY GO AHEAD!!!"

"FINE!!!"

 

That's my joke.

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Pikachu Newbie

Pikachu

Posted
Posted

This is my...fourth one?

 

[spoiler=The Fourth Coming of Lulz]

At the age of four, Billy was about to go to his first day ever at school. Before he went out to catch the school bus, his dad came down the stairs and spoke to him.

 

"Son, I need to tell you something first," said the dad "when you go to school, you need to act mature and learn to use some grown-up words, you understand?"

 

Billy nodded and kissed his dad goodbye, and went off to school.

 

When Billy returned, his dad came out of the kitchen and asked "So son, how was school?"

 

"I read a book dad."

"Oh good, you don't call me 'daddy' anymore!" he sarcastically said.

"I listened to what you said."

"That's a good boy. Oh by the way, what book did you read?"

"Winnie the S***."

 

 

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