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Sirtrystan 5's Fanfic - PAUSED For Now

SirtyStan

By SirtyStan
in Creative Writing

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SirtyStan Newbie

SirtyStan

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Hello, this is my first fanfic! I will be using some YCM cards that I or other people have created (with their permission, of course)!

 

- I'll have Chapter 1 done sometime soon, hopefully by the end of this weekend.

 

[spoiler=Prologue]

Daniel loved the popular game of Duel Monsters. He always looked forward to Saturdays. On Saturday, he went to the nearest Game store to have a few duels and to get some new cards. It was also tournament day. At his local Game store, he was the best. On most days, he would go to school, chat with his friends and maybe have an odd duel out in the street. As he walked to the Game store, something in the back of his mind told him not to go, but he didn't listen. He should have, because at the Game store, he would not come home the same...

 

 

 

You know, I wrote that Prologue in about 5 minutes... So it is okay, but not the best. Pretty unoriginal... Also, I'll be starting a contest soon for cards that will be posted in this Fanfic.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1 - His First Encounter with a Duel Spirit]

Daniel was a 15 year-old youth who didn't get much physical exercise. He had a scrawny build and almost always wore his favourite shirt, a skull-and-flame design, unless it was in the wash.

 

He had a lousy mother and a missing father. She was originally a nice, well organized help-the-world type of mother. But everything changed when she got into an accident.

 

He could remember it well. He and his mother were in a city Transit bus that day. They were going home from a soccer tournament, which he came in last in. The bus driver looked obviously drunk and could barely stay on the road. The bus rolled halfway over some train tracks and stopped. The driver fell asleep and put most of his weight on his left foot, right on the brake pedal. People were wondering why they had stopped. They looked around and talked to each other about it. Sadly, nobody noticed the train coming around the bend to the East. It was tragic. 3 dead and 14 wounded. He luckily came out with only as few minor scrapes, but his mother had to be carried out on a stretcher. Before they put her in the ambulance, Daniel got a look at what had happened to his mother. She had the cuts and bruises, but what really took his attention was the gaping hole in her temple. Apparently she was hit by one of the hanging rods in the bus. He was 8 at the time.

 

Nowadays, his mother wandered around the house, barely remembering what she was doing. When his mother was struck, the Neurons that had kept her short-term memory had been damaged. So she couldn't remember why his father left when Daniel was 9.

 

Today he went to the Game store with 2 of his best friends: Jen and Austin. Jen was a beautiful brunette who believed in something called Duel Spirits. Duel Spirits, were, apparently, spirits in cards that were awakened by duelists with an extraordinary amount of Duel Energy, the energy that livens duels from "Yeah, I'll Bottomless it" to "I activate Bottomless Trap Hole, which will destroy and remove from play your Summoned monster!".

 

Daniel had some, she said, but not enough to see any Duel Spirits. She also said that he had one, but just couldn't see or communicate with it.

 

Austin, on the other hand, was a shy, tall blond who had a lot of skill in Duel Monsters, but never used any of it. He had such a large amount of stage fright that he could never have a proper duel with spectators around, not even his friends. Because of that, he kept his head low, and nobody ever dueled him.

 

As they entered the building, they could feel the familiar air space and the familiar smell. It smelled like fresh booster packs being shipped in for sale. The store wasn't that big, but it had a small arena outside in the back for dueling with Duel Disks. There he spotted the lounging room, unmoved, filled with duelists. He walked towards them all and all he heard was the repeated groans and awws, but he felt at home. More at home than anywhere else in the world, not even his own. A little kid named Robert walked up to him and said the same thing that he said every Saturday.

 

"I challenge you, Daniel, to a duel!"

 

Robert was a persistant ginger who was getting better every day, and always thought that he could beat Daniel.

 

"Fine. Let's go."

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

 

More to come later!

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Twig Newbie

Twig

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Well at least I know you have don't have terrible grammar and punctuation.

 

Sneak previews are suppose to get the readers to read whatever is coming up. Sorry if this is harsh, but your sneak preview was pretty boring. It just talked about a regular guy who plays Yugioh. Oh wait, it doesn't even mention Yugioh.

 

And then there's the cliche at the end. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll give you an example. This (insert time here) will change (insert character here)'s life forever.

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Dr. Cakey Newbie

Dr. Cakey

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'K, so my epic epic garners 1 reply in over a day, and this 1 paragraph gets 5 replies in 1 hour?

 

No, I'm not bitter. Why would I be bitter? So, this seems...exactly like every other freaking fanfic EVAR. And since it's one paragraph, it has no way to differentiate itself.

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Twig Newbie

Twig

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'K' date=' so my epic epic garners 1 reply in over a day, and this 1 paragraph gets 5 replies in 1 hour?

 

No, I'm not bitter. Why would I be bitter? So, this seems...exactly like every other freaking fanfic EVAR. And since it's one paragraph, it has no way to differentiate itself.

[/quote']

 

YCMers are lazy. When they see a bunch of text, they reply with tl;dr. Anyone who is actually active in Fanfics should be admired; like Crab and Weather Report. Not only do they read most of the stories here, they makes great and funny reviews for them.

 

Because this is just a paragraph, lazy people can post.

 

And I did read your story. I might have been one of your first readers. I just didn't post. I'll go post right now.

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SirtyStan Newbie

SirtyStan

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Okay then.. I don't have much spare time, but here are a few things I am garunteed to include:

 

- Cards made by other YCMakers!!!!!

 

- A duel tracker!

 

- Actual card pictures!

 

- And much more!

 

Anyways, I wrote that in about 5 minutes, so I don't think it's all that bad for a 5 minute paragraph XP.

 

I'll edit it and start the actual storyline. I was just testing what readers like to know about, and I found out one thing for sure: People like to be included.

 

This "Sneak Preview" will now become my Proluge.

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.

 

[spoiler=2 Minutes to Midnight]

We begin with the proluge. No, that is not a typo. sirtrystan 5 actually spells it out as the "proluge." The inability to even spell prologue properly is not a good sign, but let's play along anyway.

 

Daniel loved the popular game of Yu-Gi-Oh!.

 

Why is it that whenever someone writes a Yu-Gi-Oh! fic, they address the game as Yu-Gi-Oh! and not Duel Monsters? I henceforth call this the Tamers Effect, where the original is changed to a show within a show. Sadly, I doubt that this will be anything like Digimon Tamers.

 

He always looked forward to Saturdays. On Saturday, he went to the nearest Game store to have a few duels and to get some new cards.

 

Why would you capitalize "Game"? I know it's because it's a store, but unless you were actually giving it a name, you shouldn't need to capitalize it. Oh wait, I know why. You lost.

 

It was also tournament day.

 

I assume these tournaments are really that big if they happen every week. Oh wait, this is a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, my mistake.

 

At his local Game store, he was the best.

 

Why does everything have to have the main character #1, #2, or at the very bottom? Can we get something where the hero is right in the middle of the rankings and isn't all "Yeah! I'm going to be number 1!" for once?

 

On most days, he would go to school, chat with his friends and maybe have an odd duel out in the street. As he walked to the Game store, something in the back of his mind told him not to go, but he didn't listen. He should have, because this Saturday, his life would change forever... Well, not really. But it would change some of his aspects of life and some other minor boring stuff. But let's not delve into that. This is where our story unfolds...

 

So we basically get very short sentences for our proluge about how our hero is awesome at Duel Monsters Yu-Gi-Oh!, and it seems we're ending the proluge with him entering the Game store. Fine enough, but the middle part is just atrocious. "His life would change forever" is fine and all, although clichéd, but the subversion of saying that it's really not that big of a deal just comes across as stupid. In fact, why shouldn't we delve into that? Isn't that going to be the plot? And if something in the back of my head was telling me to be careful, I would probably still go in, but with reluctance rather than ignorance. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves an idiot hero.

 

Oh well, it's time for "Chapter 1 - A weird day." Okay, sirtrystan 5, are you even trying?

 

"Daniel! Your friends Jennifer and Austin are here!" came the screeching voice of his mother.

 

At least it's not "Said."

 

"Tell them I'll be down in a minute! I'm just reorganizing my deck!" Yelled Daniel, sounding annoyed.

 

I spoke too soon. "Yelled." Also, if he's yelling that he just needs to finish reorganizing his deck (Which I personally wouldn't mind doing in the car or at the Game store), we can infer that he's annoyed.

 

So Daniel finished with his deck organizing and came downstairs to greet his guests. As he passed his mother, April, he said in a calm voice

 

There should be a comma after that "voice."

 

"Please, Mom, don't call me Daniel in front of Jen and Austin. Just call me Dan, okay?".

 

And that period at the very end shouldn't be there. sirtrystan 5 seems to have a habit of not including something where it should be, then putting something where it shouldn't be. Like this story. And why should Daniel have a problem with his mother calling him by the name she gave him in front of his friends? If my mother called me Patrick in front of my friends, I most certainly would not insist that she should call me Pat. However, his nickname being Dan and his status as the main character remind me oh-so-much of Dan Kuso from Bakugan. And that's terrible.

 

But hey, we got a Power Trio. I like those, so let's see how sirtrystan 5 characterizes them.

 

He was about to walk out of the door when his mother asked "Daniel, where are you going?"

"Mom, it's Saturday, remember? Today's the day where I go and kick everyone's ass at the Game store. I'll be back at around 3ish, okay?"

 

Even if you were trying to avoid As You Know, that was still forced. As the proluge states, Daniel goes to the Game store every Saturday, and his mother should be well aware of this, so she doesn't need to ask.

 

The good-byes were quick and soon he and his friends were on their way to complete their weekly ritual. During the walk, he kept hearing in the back of his head "Danger! Do not go there today! I repeat, do NOT go to the Game store today."

But eventually he drowned out the thought with some classic Bon Jovi.

 

Daniel's conscience that popped up for no reason other than to hint to the plot that it somehow knows about is stupid. In fact, isn't this what the proluge said happened anyway? I thought Chapter 1 was supposed to start when he actually does enter the store. The proluge is just a synopsis of what happens in Chapter 1 and Chapter 1 just repeats what was said, only with expanded parts. This is very poor storytelling.

 

"Dan, you look worried. Is there something on your mind?" asked Jen.

"Actually, yeah. Something's just telling me to avoid the Game store today. I don't know why, though."

"Maybe it's you duel spirit talking, huh?"

Jen was a believer in Duel Spirits. She believed that with enough passion, you could create a spirit from a card, and it will help you with whatever. If they were true, however, then he couldn't see them. Not even Austin could. So he just regarded it as a childhood fantasy.

 

Daniel apparently has a habit of ignoring anything that could possibly progress the plot. It's like he's actively trying to avoid being placed as the main character, which makes me happy, and yet also annoys me because sirtrystan 5 decided to make him the main character anyway. I refuse to say "hero" or "protagonist", because then I'd be giving Daniel too much credit.

 

However, Jen impresses me. I expected Jen and Austin to have very little dialogue and to be as flat as Daniel, but Jen's belief in the supernatural, barring her belief in that it stems from the power of friendship, makes her probably the most unique character yet, and thus my favorite character in this.

 

Austin broke the silence. "Guys, we're here!"

 

This is all the characterization we get from Austin, people. He's blander than Daniel, which easily makes him my least favorite character.

 

Dan felt a bit weak.

 

Why is the narration now referring to Daniel as Dan? We know his name, so there's no need to do that. You sir are no Rick Riordan, so you have no excuse.

 

All that walking could tire a guy out, even a fit one.

 

This guy is pathetic. Coming from me, who is admittedly not very athletic, that is very sad. When I take a walk for a distance, I don't describe myself as weak, I just say I felt weak. Also, this is why you get a car. What was April doing that could have possibly prohibited her from taking Daniel and his friends? Where is his dad? Oh screw it, the plot demands this stupidity.

 

They took a glance at the giant Logo

 

So wait, I can use the term Game store Logo, and the only reason that would look odd to you would be because "store" is not capitalized? That would look odd to me because you somehow believe "game" and "logo" need to be capitalized.

 

on top of the 2-story building and paid their silent respects.

 

Why? Do we even need to care that they're doing this? When Yusei, JACK ATLUS, and he-who-must-not-be-named saw the poster for the World Riding Duel Grand Prix, did they pay their respects? No, they just did went "We're going to win." If canon Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's do things that are more sensible than you're characters, something is very, very wrong. If you actually attempted to describe the logo, I might understand them, but here it's just pointless and stupid. Like this story.

 

"Well? What are we waiting for?" asked Dan. "Let's go!"

 

As they entered the building, they could feel the fimiliar air space and the fimiliar smell.

 

As opposed to taking in the familiar sight of the place.

 

It smelled like fresh booster packs being shipped in for sale.

 

How can you even smell a fresh booster pack? Considering the cover of The Shining Darkness, I would expect to smell something putrid, but I can't.

 

The store wasn't that big, but it had a small arena for dueling with Duel Disks.

 

The instant you manage to input an arena for ground duels, no matter how small, you lose the ability to call the store "not that big."

 

There he spotted the chatting room, unmoved, filled with duelists. He walked towards them all and all he heard was the repeated groans and awws, but he felt at home.

 

He must have walked into YCM if everyone's BAAAAAAWing that much.

 

More at home than anywhere else in the world.

 

Rather than, you know, his own home.

 

A little kid named Robert walked up to him and said the same thing that he said every Saturday. "I challenge you, Daniel, to a duel!".

 

I just realized something. Robert has had the most description out of everyone in this story, in that he's actually described at all.

 

Robert was a persistant kid who was getting better every day, and always thought that he could beat Daniel. "Fine. Let's go."

 

It's a darn shame Robert doesn't know how to be persistent.

 

To be continued...

 

No, because we're done here. At the time of this Divination, this is all sirtrystan 5 has written. There is nothing to read here, it's just a typical Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic with astonishingly bland characters and Jen. Daniel actively tries to avoid the plot, and the characters make a few illogical actions, like praying to a Game store Logo. There is unnecessary punctuation at times, and capitalization of two of the most pointless words that don't need to be capitalized, and even then sirtrystan 5 forgot to properly capitalize the name for Chapter 1. Not to mention the lapses in grammar.

 

 

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SirtyStan Newbie

SirtyStan

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*Ahem*

 

[spoiler=His Review + My Responses]

We begin with the proluge. No' date=' that is not a typo. sirtrystan 5 actually spells it out as the "proluge." The inability to even spell prologue properly is not a good sign, but let's play along anyway.[/color']

 

Daniel loved the popular game of Yu-Gi-Oh!.

 

Why is it that whenever someone writes a Yu-Gi-Oh! fic, they address the game as Yu-Gi-Oh! and not Duel Monsters? I henceforth call this the Tamers Effect, where the original is changed to a show within a show. Sadly, I doubt that this will be anything like Digimon Tamers.

 

I address it as Yu-Gi-Oh!, it's proper name (correct me if I'm wrong), but only in the TV show is it ever called "Duel Monsters".

 

He always looked forward to Saturdays. On Saturday' date=' he went to the nearest Game store to have a few duels and to get some new cards.[/i']

 

Why would you capitalize "Game"? I know it's because it's a store, but unless you were actually giving it a name, you shouldn't need to capitalize it. Oh wait, I know why. You lost.

 

Actually, that IS the name of the store that I was referring to. As in, "The Game store", not, "A game store".

 

It was also tournament day.

 

I assume these tournaments are really that big if they happen every week. Oh wait' date=' this is a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, my mistake.[/color']

 

Actually, yes, they are. In MY world (the fanfic), tons of people play Yu-Gi-Oh! (Duel Monsters).

 

At his local Game store' date=' he was the best.[/i']

 

Why does everything have to have the main character #1, #2, or at the very bottom? Can we get something where the hero is right in the middle of the rankings and isn't all "Yeah! I'm going to be number 1!" for once?

 

I said he was the best at his LOCAL Game store, not the best in the city. If you haven't noticed, I am going to continue my story.

 

On most days' date=' he would go to school, chat with his friends and maybe have an odd duel out in the street. As he walked to the Game store, something in the back of his mind told him not to go, but he didn't listen. He should have, because this Saturday, his life would change forever... Well, not really. But it would change some of his aspects of life and some other minor boring stuff. But let's not delve into that. This is where our story unfolds...[/i']

 

So we basically get very short sentences for our proluge about how our hero is awesome at Duel Monsters Yu-Gi-Oh!, and it seems we're ending the proluge with him entering the Game store. Fine enough, but the middle part is just atrocious. "His life would change forever" is fine and all, although clichéd, but the subversion of saying that it's really not that big of a deal just comes across as stupid. In fact, why shouldn't we delve into that? Isn't that going to be the plot? And if something in the back of my head was telling me to be careful, I would probably still go in, but with reluctance rather than ignorance. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves an idiot hero.

 

Yes, like Joey Wheeler, he is more of a action-before-thinking kind of hero. I absolutely LOVE the way you call him an "idiot hero".

 

Oh well' date=' it's time for "Chapter 1 - A weird day." Okay, sirtrystan 5, are you even trying?[/color']

 

"Daniel! Your friends Jennifer and Austin are here!" came the screeching voice of his mother.

 

At least it's not "Said."

 

"Tell them I'll be down in a minute! I'm just reorganizing my deck!" Yelled Daniel, sounding annoyed.

 

I spoke too soon. "Yelled." Also, if he's yelling that he just needs to finish reorganizing his deck (Which I personally wouldn't mind doing in the car or at the Game store), we can infer that he's annoyed.

 

Well, I'm sorry. I wrote that on my iPod, and my iPod has "auto-correct". So unless I backtrack about 5 TIMES after a person speaks, it will come out that way. I'll edit it soon.

 

So Daniel finished with his deck organizing and came downstairs to greet his guests. As he passed his mother' date=' April, he said in a calm voice [/i']

 

There should be a comma after that "voice."

 

"Please, Mom, don't call me Daniel in front of Jen and Austin. Just call me Dan, okay?".

 

And that period at the very end shouldn't be there. sirtrystan 5 seems to have a habit of not including something where it should be, then putting something where it shouldn't be. Like this story. And why should Daniel have a problem with his mother calling him by the name she gave him in front of his friends? If my mother called me Patrick in front of my friends, I most certainly would not insist that she should call me Pat. However, his nickname being Dan and his status as the main character remind me oh-so-much of Dan Kuso from Bakugan. And that's terrible.

 

Lolz. I HATE BAKUGAN. Also, I tried to make it more of a real-life story, but I think you're right. I put in a little too much detail.

 

But hey' date=' we got a Power Trio. I like those, so let's see how sirtrystan 5 characterizes them.[/color']

 

He was about to walk out of the door when his mother asked "Daniel, where are you going?"

"Mom, it's Saturday, remember? Today's the day where I go and kick everyone's ass at the Game store. I'll be back at around 3ish, okay?"

 

Even if you were trying to avoid As You Know, that was still forced. As the proluge states, Daniel goes to the Game store every Saturday, and his mother should be well aware of this, so she doesn't need to ask.

 

Actually, in the story, his mom got into a train vs. city bus accident, and got a little bit of brain damage. So now she's a little *emphasize* forgetful.

 

The good-byes were quick and soon he and his friends were on their way to complete their weekly ritual. During the walk' date=' he kept hearing in the back of his head "Danger! Do not go there today! I repeat, do NOT go to the Game store today."

But eventually he drowned out the thought with some classic Bon Jovi. [/i']

 

Daniel's conscience that popped up for no reason other than to hint to the plot that it somehow knows about is stupid. In fact, isn't this what the proluge said happened anyway? I thought Chapter 1 was supposed to start when he actually does enter the store. The proluge is just a synopsis of what happens in Chapter 1 and Chapter 1 just repeats what was said, only with expanded parts. This is very poor storytelling.

 

Well, I am a novice writer, so give me a break. I realize that I asked for this criticism, but I really didn't need that.

 

"Dan' date=' you look worried. Is there something on your mind?" asked Jen.

"Actually, yeah. Something's just telling me to avoid the Game store today. I don't know why, though."

"Maybe it's you duel spirit talking, huh?"

Jen was a believer in Duel Spirits. She believed that with enough passion, you could create a spirit from a card, and it will help you with whatever. If they were true, however, then he couldn't see them. Not even Austin could. So he just regarded it as a childhood fantasy.[/i']

 

Daniel apparently has a habit of ignoring anything that could possibly progress the plot. It's like he's actively trying to avoid being placed as the main character, which makes me happy, and yet also annoys me because sirtrystan 5 decided to make him the main character anyway. I refuse to say "hero" or "protagonist", because then I'd be giving Daniel too much credit.

 

*ahem*... Well, he's a stubborn non-believer. Eventually,

 

WARNING: SPOILER

 

He will believe.

 

However' date=' Jen impresses me. I expected Jen and Austin to have very little dialogue and to be as flat as Daniel, but Jen's belief in the supernatural, barring her belief in that it stems from the power of friendship, makes her probably the most dynamic character yet, and thus my favorite character in this.[/color']

 

Thanks, I think. I've made my characters, but I haven't shared their personalities yet. I will.

 

Austin broke the silence. "Guys' date=' we're here!"[/i']

 

This is all the characterization we get from Austin, people. He's blander than Daniel, which easily makes him my least favorite character.

 

Well, I've only written a few paragraphs in the story. I'll change it and improve it.

 

Dan felt a bit weak.

 

Why is the narration now referring to Daniel as Dan? We know his name' date=' so there's no need to do that. You sir are no Rick Riordan, so you have no excuse.[/color']

 

I love Rick Riordan. I'll change it.

 

All that walking could tire a guy out' date=' even a fit one.[/i']

 

This guy is pathetic. Coming from me, who is admittedly not very athletic, that is very sad. When I take a walk for a distance, I don't describe myself as weak, I just say I felt weak. Also, this is why you get a car. What was April doing that could have possibly prohibited her from taking Daniel and his friends? Where is his dad? Oh screw it, the plot demands this stupidity.

 

Daniel lives in a family where his mother doesn't care about that stuff, and she's also afraid to take the car because, as said before, she was in a deadly accident.

 

They took a glance at the giant Logo

 

So wait' date=' I can use the term Game store Logo, and the only reason that would look odd to you would be because "store" is not capitalized? That would look odd to me because you somehow believe "game" and "logo" need to be capitalized.[/color']

 

Well, the logo just says "Game" on it with a red-neon bordering, like Grandpa Yugi's. I made my setting delve a bit into the future, between GX and 5D's, where, in my story, Grandpa Yugi's Game store became a franchise.

 

on top of the 2-story building and paid their silent respects.

 

Why? Do we even need to care that they're doing this? When Yusei' date=' JACK ATLUS, and he-who-must-not-be-named saw the poster for the World Riding Duel Grand Prix, did they pay their respects? No, they just did went "We're going to win." If canon Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's do things that are more sensible than you're characters, something is very, very wrong. If you actually attempted to describe the logo, I might understand them, but here it's just pointless and stupid.

--------->[b']Like this story.[/b]<---------

 

I think you crossed afine linethere.

 

"Well? What are we waiting for?" asked Dan. "Let's go!"

 

As they entered the building' date=' they could feel the fimiliar air space and the fimiliar smell.[/i']

 

As opposed to taking in the familiar sight of the place.

 

Well... *coughsarcasmcough*

 

It smelled like fresh booster packs being shipped in for sale.

 

How can you even smell a fresh booster pack? Considering the cover of The Shining Darkness' date=' I would expect to smell something putrid, but I can't.[/color']

 

Have you ever smelled the cards in a booster pack as you first opened the pack? Or do you spend your life critiquing?

 

The store wasn't that big' date=' but it had a small arena for dueling with Duel Disks.[/i']

 

The instant you manage to input an arena for ground duels, no matter how small, you lose the ability to call the store "not that big."

 

What I meant to say was: "The store wasn't that big, but it did have a small area for dueling with Duel Disks outside at the back of the building."

 

There he spotted the chatting room' date=' unmoved, filled with duelists. He walked towards them all and all he heard was the repeated groans and awws, but he felt at home.[/i']

 

He must have walked into YCM if everyone's BAAAAAAWing that much.

 

WTF is BAAAAAAWing?

 

More at home than anywhere else in the world.

 

Rather than' date=' you know, his own home.[/color']

 

It's a form of speech. As said before, his mom didn't care and his dad died when he was pushed off of a cliff.

 

A little kid named Robert walked up to him and said the same thing that he said every Saturday. "I challenge you' date=' Daniel, to a duel!".[/i']

 

I just realized something. Robert has had the most description out of everyone in this story, in that he's actually described at all.

 

Well, picky, picky, picky... Mentioned above, I will add more detail.

 

Robert was a persistant kid who was getting better every day' date=' and always thought that he could beat Daniel. "Fine. Let's go."[/i']

 

It's a darn shame Robert doesn't know how to be persistent.

 

*sigh*...

 

To be continued...

 

No' date=' because we're done here. At the time of this Divination, this is all sirtrystan 5 has written. There is nothing to read here, it's just a typical Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic with astonishingly bland characters and Jen. Daniel actively tries to avoid the plot, and the characters make a few illogical actions, like praying to a Game store Logo. There is unnecessary punctuation at times, and capitalization of two of the most pointless words that don't need to be capitalized, and even then sirtrystan 5 forgot to properly capitalize the [i']name for Chapter 1. Not to mention the lapses in grammar.

 

You have officially made me chuck my Wii in rage.

 

 

 

Anyways, I will change my story now.

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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Those were actually pretty good responses.

 

 

 

I address it as Yu-Gi-Oh!' date=' it's proper name (correct me if I'm wrong), but only in the TV show is it ever called "Duel Monsters".

[/quote']

 

I know, but I don't know if this takes in the same universe as Yu-Gi-Oh! or if Yu-Gi-Oh! is just a show within this story's universe, so I assumed the former.

 

Actually' date=' that IS the name of the store that I was referring to. As in, "The Game store", not, "A game store".

[/quote']

 

Well, that's perfectly fine then, but why is it called that?

 

Actually' date=' yes, they are. In MY world (the fanfic), tons of people play Yu-Gi-Oh! (Duel Monsters).

[/quote']

 

I understand that, but the fact that it happens every single week makes it too common.

 

I said he was the best at his LOCAL Game store' date=' not the best in the city. If you haven't noticed, I am going to continue my story.

[/quote']

 

Okay, the city is a pretty small part of the gaming world, so that's fine then. Still sets him up as the best in some place.

 

Yes' date=' like Joey Wheeler, he is more of a action-before-thinking kind of hero. I absolutely [b']LOVE[/b] the way you call him an "idiot hero".

 

Well, "idiot hero" is actually a term for a character that's like that.

 

Well' date=' I'm sorry. I wrote that on my iPod, and my iPod has "auto-correct". So unless I backtrack about [b']5 TIMES[/b] after a person speaks, it will come out that way. I'll edit it soon.

 

Personally, what you should do is save it as is then read through it one last time on a computer to make sure it's good enough.

 

Lolz. I HATE BAKUGAN. Also' date=' I tried to make it more of a real-life story, but I think you're right. I put in a little too much detail.

[/quote']

 

If you hate Bakugan like I do, then you are forgiven.

 

Actually' date=' in the story, his mom got into a train vs. city bus accident, and got a little bit of brain damage. So now she's a little *emphasize* forgetful.

[/quote']

 

Then that makes sense, I suppose.

 

Well' date=' I am a novice writer, so give me a break. I realize that I asked for this criticism, but I really didn't need that.

[/quote']

 

Fair enough.

 

*ahem*... Well' date=' he's a stubborn non-believer. Eventually,

 

WARNING: SPOILER

 

He will believe.

[/quote']

 

I figured as much.

 

Thanks' date=' I think. I've made my characters, but I haven't shared their personalities yet. I will.

[/quote']

 

That was a compliment, and this is only the first chapter, so they still have room for improvement.

 

I love Rick Riordan. I'll change it.

 

Then look to Percy Jackson for guidance.

 

Well' date=' the logo just says "Game" on it with a red-neon bordering, like Grandpa Yugi's. I made my setting delve a bit into the future, between GX and 5D's, where, in my story, Grandpa Yugi's Game store became a franchise.

[/quote']

 

That still doesn't explain why "Logo" is capitalized.

 

I think you crossed afine linethere.

 

That was purely for critical effect' date=' so apologize for the harshness. However, the sheer ridiculousness of praying to the logo still must be explained.

 

Have you ever smelled the cards in a booster pack as you first opened the pack? Or do you spend your life critiquing?

 

I just look at what cards I got and form my opinion. I've only started critiquing a few months ago, and this is my second of these fanfic reviews.

 

What I meant to say was: "The store wasn't that big' date=' but it did have a small area for dueling with Duel Disks [b']outside at the back of the building.[/b]"

 

Then why didn't you say the arena wasn't outside in the first place?

 

WTF is BAAAAAAWing?

 

When people cry and moan over something ridiculous.

 

It's a form of speech. As said before' date=' his mom didn't care and his dad died when he was pushed off of a cliff.

[/quote']

 

I'd like to see how that happened.

 

You have officially made me chuck my Wii in rage.

 

May your Wii rest in peace.

 

 

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legendhiro Newbie

legendhiro

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it would be better if you were to combine the description of their journey to the Game store and the accompanying dialogue with what you have here, add some more dialogue (maybe, but i don't think it needs it yet) and lose the prologue completely. i actually thought the original version was better than what you have now. it just needed more description thrown in.

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legendhiro Newbie

legendhiro

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Okay then... I can't please everyone though. And I actually spent time on this version. It has more of a background.

 

i wasn't saying that you should go back to the original version, just that you could combine the current version with its good background with the previous version that described what was happening to the characters as they prepare to leave and while they walk. maybe have the background appear as part of dan's memory that he recalls during their weekly journey when there is a few moments of silence or something.

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