Fusion X. Denver Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 So are you not a fan of Crab's Foe Fiction or Roxas' Divinations? If you don't know what those are, just look at Roxas' posts in Sonic's fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Nah, Foe Fiction is fun. :3 It's just..... the way DL does it. :/ I like criticism, just not in the way where its making fun of everything I write. =.= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 ... That's what Foe Fiction is though >__> And Divinations. But I'm guessing DL is the only problem, so I guess I'd understand >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Ah but you see, Foe Fiction isn't about mine. :3 And DL.... puts it on another level. >__> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 IT IS HERE. CHAPTER 24 AT LAST. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 24, 2010 Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 I frickin knew the Hokage was an Uchiha.. I guess in this universe, Sasuke lived? Or Itachi had a long-lost son with a lady he met? Or Madara? Chapter was good, and I just realized how well this fic ties in with the tension between Sand and Rock in the manga. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1290562294' post='4806235'] I frickin knew the Hokage was an Uchiha.. I guess in this universe, Sasuke lived? Or Itachi had a long-lost son with a lady he met? Or Madara? [b]Chapter was good, and I just realized how well this fic ties in with the tension between Sand and Rock in the manga.[/b] [/quote] I KNOW RIGHT? :33333333333 OR MAYBE HE ISN'T AN UCHIHA. >:D Seriously, he might not be an Uchiha~ AND GAIZ. I THINK I MESSED UP ON THIS CHAPTER. D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 24, 2010 Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 In what way? And what, he transplanted 2 Sharingan >__> Or is he part of a clan that descended from the Uchiha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 Well, not pointing it out if none of you can find it. Makes my writing look better. :3 And no, none of those. ;D Adding chapter 25. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 24, 2010 Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 Sigh, I feel bad for Kato knowing he won't get with Saki. Sucks. Rest of the chapter was good though, but man, the Hokage sure fell for that trap easily >.> I noticed you referenced the 4th a lot.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2010 Teh 4th is teh beast. >:3 And, you never know~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And ORLY? Pretend you're him, thinking everythings okay, then lightning attacks you. >:I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 [spoiler=Thoughts] “We’ve won, Genza, give up,” Kayaku said calmly, touching the crystal blade to Genza’s throat. The man lowered his card and surrendered, seeing no other way out. As Hebi’s Jonin companion went over to tie up Genza, Saki sighed and leaned against Kato. “Man, I used up a lot of chakra on this guy…” She sighed, closing her eyes. Kato glanced around and stepped away nervously. Saki followed in suit only to lean on him again. [b]I wonder how she defied THAT law of gravity. Usually people fall when what they're leaning on moves.[/b] “Um… Shouldn’t you get some rest?” Kato asked. “Well, if you would just stand still, I would be getting some rest…” Saki yawned. While she seemed content to lie on his arm, Kato was both happy and surprised. Throughout his time in the Leaf Village, not one girl had shown any particular “interest” in him. But out of nowhere, now, this girl from the Sand seemed to like him. The only thing that really worried Kato was the thought of her already having someone that liked her, and that person could get jealous. If that was true, and Kato wasn’t far stronger, this could turn into one hell of a fight. [b]Because we all know the only way to settle things when two men like the same woman is to beat the crap out of each other.[/b] Meanwhile, the Jonin had finished binding Genza. Kato and Saki stayed back as the others went up to confront the man. Kayaku dispersed the crystals he was using and stood above Genza, eyeing him suspiciously. “Why did you leave?” “Pfft, it’s secret…” “It’s not going to be meaningful if you don’t answer me truthfully. I swear, I have no trouble with slitting the throat of a traitor,” Kayaku sighed, a kunai suddenly sliding into his hand. Genza saw this and looked him in the eye. “I figured as such. But I guess I can tell you, you guys are Sand Village shinobi… aside from you,” Genza said glancing at the Leaf Jonin, “To be quite honest, you probably won’t believe me. I deserted the Sand Village to save the Hokage.” Hebi burst out laughing before Kayaku could speak again. After he stopped laughing enough to talk, Hebi moved forward. [b]Funny how he's telling teens and young adults, but not the sand village council.[/b] “You?” Hebi said mockingly, “How the hell are you going to save the Hokage? And from what!?” [b]From....IN-DIG-NAY-SHUN[/b] “I knew it…” Genza whispered, “I knew no one else would find out…” Now Hebi was silent, and returned to letting Kayaku doing the interrogation. [b]GOOD COP BAD COP[/b] “Look man, we don’t have all day! If there’s something we should know, you better tell us. Especially if it involves the Hokage. All of us know the Leaf Village is our only ally,” “Seriously, no one got word of it…” Genza moaned, “Alright, this all started while I was out on a mission. It was about some lose ends to ‘tie up’ near the far edge of the Land of Fire. But when I was returning from the mission, I intercepted some Rock ninja.” “While I’ll be damned, it’s always the Rock…” Hebi chimed in. “Anyways, they hadn’t discovered I was there. [b]So it wasn't really interception[/b] So I decided to listen in on them, you know, I was wondering why they were there. As I listened, they kept talking about how they needed to get to the outskirts of the Leaf and fast. They also said how they were gonna rendezvous with a partner, who had ‘set the trap’ for the Hokage. When they finally found their partner, he said ‘the Leaf’s going to need a new Hokage’. And they cheered quietly, and headed back for the Rock I suppose.” [b]Ninjas these days just love discussing their top secret plans out in the open, huh?[/b] “You expect us to believe all this crap?” The Jonin whispered. Genza shifted slightly in his bondage, sighing. “Fine, when you’re Hokage is dead, I told you so!” The Jonin started towards Genza, but Hebi grabbed his shoulder, “Look, if you’re wondering why I didn’t go back to the village it’s because I feared it would be too late.” [b]YOU ARE HOKAGE IS DEAD[/b] “Why didn’t you tell us when we found you?” Kayaku yelled. “I knew you were on a mission to find me… what could I do? I grabbed some beggar clothes and hid amongst the Leaf, trying to discover what was up. When you came, I knew I had to keep the act up, I figured you wouldn’t believe me and that I could out last you. But it turned out I couldn’t, and now the Hokage is in danger more than ever. Because besides the Rock, we’re the only ones that know of this!” ………………………………………… “Those Sand ninja should be leaving soon I guess, the quicker they’re gone the better…” The Hokage mumbled to himself. [b]Such a great ally[/b] He was staring out the window of his office, and the shining light of day gleamed off of his black hair. He was wearing his specialty, a replica of the famous Minato Namikaze’s cloak he used to wear. However, his was changed in color to fit his style, the white body now being black. The normal flames on the bottom were dark blue, making the outfit look more ominous. Underneath he wore a black t-shirt and pants, is feet covered by ordinary ninja shoes. As usual, his red eyes scanned across the view of the Leaf Village. All was good in these times. The Leaf was allied with the Sand and Cloud, and the former needed help less often. However, the recent activity of the Rock seemed to scare the Sand Village, and it was necessary to keep things stable. Letting the Sand venture around the village was decent enough, but having them around could cause trouble. After all, he had his secret to worry about. [b]Let's let them venture around, but don't let them come around[/b] …………………………………………………… Kayaku, Hebi, Saki, and Kato dashed through the trees that encircled the Leaf Village. The Jonin assigned to Hebi was left to take care of Genza as the others met up with the Hokage. Hebi had given control over the mission to Kayaku, who had noticeably more talent for this kind of stuff. Saki had recovered from her “fatigue” and no longer needed to rest on Kato. All the while, Kato was wondering to himself why she would like him. [b]SOMEONE's gotta[/b] Maybe it’s my looks? I mean, she did only seem to like me at a glance. So yeah, probably my looks. But at the same time, I haven’t taken a shower in a couple of days with all the work I’ve been doing… My personality? Hell no. Saki only knows me as a clumsy guy who has misjudgment. Damnit, girls and their weird ways! Kato looked over at Saki, who had been looking at him. Their eyes met, and Saki turned to face the twisted path in front of her before they could hold eye contact for more than a second. ……………………………………………………… The Hokage gripped the railing preventing him from falling, and the coolness of the metal soothed him. He stood on the roof of the Hokage’s Office, and for once he seemed to smile. Behind him, suddenly, he heard a yell. He turned his head to see Kato waving his hands atop the Great Faces. “KURO!” Kato yelled. The Hokage went to lift his arms to wave back, but his hands wouldn’t budge. Kuro pulled harder, but it felt like his hands were glued onto the metal railing. The rest of the group appeared next to Kato, and watched as Kuro struggled to move his hands. [b]"Dammit, I hate superglue"[/b] “It’s the trap!” Hebi yelled, and all of them dashed down the cliff towards the Hokage. Kuro pulled with all his might, but he was still stuck. He quickly closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again. Something was slightly different about his red eyes, but it wasn’t too drastic, merely a few added black spots in the iris. [b]Someone needs eyedrops[/b] The group was now only 100 meters from Kuro, whose hands were suddenly freed from the metal. Yet, before he could move away from the spot, a giant seal appeared beneath him, looking like a lightning bolt colliding with another. The seal glowed bright red, and a explosion of red lighting encased Kuro. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 *is refusing to read* Seriously, do it without quoting my chapters. -.- ______________________ Read it. Not really sure what to make of it tho. :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 26, 2010 Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 Learn from it El, when I receive criticism I always make sure not to repeat the same mistake again. Some of what he said was just poking fun, but other points were valid criticism. It's no big deal, and if you think about it, he's taking a lot of time for an in-depth analysis of your chapter. Which says a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted November 26, 2010 Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 El, you barely comment on my fic chapter as a whole, I comment on half the paragraphs. >:/ But I mainly just do it cause I get bored. I'd do it with DEF, but most of the stuf makes sense (altho I still love the falling back into a sword that was thrown in FRONT of him) and the chapters are too freakin long. BTW, if you keep my comments on the chapters in mind, your writing will improve cause you won't make the same mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 Fusion, I can barely make anything of his latest one. The others actually had stuff I could learn from, this, none. >.> And DL, it would be better without quoting my whole chapter. :/ Anyways, adding Chapter 26. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 26, 2010 Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 Jeez, stabbed with 12 swords? Rough. The chapter was good, I just don't see why they need to hide the fact that Oson is on an S-rank mission >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 That will be known in a few chapters. But for know, DL SHALL BE ADDED TO MY FF! SEXY NEW CHAPTER NAO! >:3 Oh, and 12 swords was to make the point that he's dead. XD ______________________ And yes, I know your sister is younger than you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted November 26, 2010 Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 Stuff I loved this chapter: The fighting, putting "Neo Fusion" in there and Piercing Thunderhand was great xD And you would put me and Tenkai on the same team >.> But I really like this chapter, really looking forward to the conclusion of the fight. Stuff I didn't like/don't get: My sister.. You f*ckin would -___- Why'd he even feel the need to kidnap her >___> EDIT: So wait, how old am I in this fic? 17? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 O>O I didn't even notice the Neo Fusion refrence until now! XD And you're 16 in this fic. And he's DL. He kidnaps girls for a hobby. :3 Rofl, but there is an explanation behind it. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted November 27, 2010 Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 Yes, I kidnap girls for fun. Deal with it Fusion. @El - The characters say WAY too much, and it just makes the dialogue seem VERY unnatural. The comedy is sub-par. it's somewhat unbelievable how he got there with 12 swords stabbed into his body. I feel the need to point out most Jonin would probably know basic skills on most things, AND they would be more...ninja-like than Kato. Again, I hardly doubt Tenkai would beat the crap out of Kato for just being liked by the girl Tenkai himself likes. In all essence, the fight was a bit...slow. And the fact they were able to use jutsu in some of those situations is naught unbelievable, but I'll let it slide for the fact the fight itself had meaning. Albeit Kato went a bit off the character he didn't really develop yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 Wait, there's comedy in this? .-. News to me... Yeah, I've been trying to cut down on dialouge but it is attacking mah brain. >:U And dude, Kato is like a Jonin but prides himself on knowing everytype of fighting. So he's like a guy who focuses on ninjutsu fighting. Well, so he would be like one level above another Jonin focused on ninjutsu in say something like Genjutsu. Stuff like that. And Tenkai's based off me, so with provacation along with Kato <3 Saki, he would. But Kato would easily stand his own and probably win as it is now. NOW. >:3 Fight speed is also something I need to work on. Thanks. :3 And this is part of Kato's developement believe it or not. Just wait. :b And about the 12 swords thing: There's a good reason for it. It's just, too early in the FF. >:3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted November 27, 2010 Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 Just tell it through the story, dammit. Don't make the characters spell out everything, makes the reader feel as if you think of him as an idiot. I know you think of Fusion as an idiot, but that's beside the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted November 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 XD DIALOUGE IS OUR FRIEND- *shot* Damn you writing habits! >O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted November 27, 2010 Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 Just be sure to tell as little as possible through the characters, and more through what happens, and you'll do fine. heck, even FLASHBACKS would work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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