Sploda Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Eh, guess I didn't see Andrew as being much like Andx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andx Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 [quote name='Enzax Aito' timestamp='1304377179' post='5184664'] Eh, guess I didn't see Andrew as being much like Andx. [/quote] That's understandable. All that representation of me did was get dragged around by Cherry. But that actually happens to some extent. At least, wouldn't happen of anyone else's ideas so far. xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 9/10 of Andx's day: Beign dragged around by Aneki The other 1/10 is him making her miserable =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andx Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 [quote name='Zetsubou Black' timestamp='1304381704' post='5184860'] 9/10 of Andx's day: Beign dragged around by Aneki The other 1/10 is him making her miserable =D [/quote] Actually. I'd like to say it's more six of the former and 4 of the latter. >> xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Alright, Chapter 2 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mugendramon Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Another good Chapter. I honestly don't know enough about Lily as to object, but what you did to her character is... I'd just say overacted. Is she really that much of, 'Hey I want to tear your cards so I will.' person? Also, why were there no OSTs? Ah, well. I still liked it very much. Increasingly expecting the Tournament thingy you mentioned at the start. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Aha, a tournament. I predict this is where Isaac will begin his winning streak >.> Yeesh, that OTK was like something Cortez writes... Good chapter, but no OSTs? My one other piece of advice: proofread. I saw little mistakes here and there that wouldn't be there if you went through it a second time, so do so. Very important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 *Just read chapter 2* Future Fusion to mill a bunch of Dragon Tuners, in order to give Red Nova like 6903476400ATK, was such a cheap move xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 [quote name='Armadilloz' timestamp='1304445834' post='5186098'] *Just read chapter 2* Future Fusion to mill a bunch of Dragon Tuners, in order to give Red Nova like 6903476400ATK, was such a cheap move xD [/quote] Yes it was xD But it worked, no?Also, the OTKs are only around for right now. Soon, they will be real duels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iCherry Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Chapter was good. The lolMassATK was hilarious. Just need to get that flow of dialogue down, and some more description. Only real problem I have is... I couldn't really take half of it seriously. Seemed rushed. "Hey, I challenge you to a duel so you'll leave her alo-" *gets otk'd* *rips up Mono Synchron for no reason* idk, that just kinda seemed forced. Cerise should've kept Shooting Star Dragon for herself. >: Get me Chapter Threeeeeee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Lilina's appearance has changed, by request. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 LOLSOMEONEOBVIOUSLYDOESN'TLIKELILLY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Actually, Lily and I get along just fine =/ It just needed to be done for thesake of the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 :/ I really doubt it, I mean you pretty much just copied the first villian in yugioh. Lilly is pretty much Seto from the first episode, no character depth, nothing but cheap gimicky villiany and a good hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 You're right. She IS pretty much Kaia. Except she is actually GOING to develop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 To be fair, I don't really dislike Larxene or Icy despite portraying them as dickwads in my story. You went from Yoko to random anime lady I've seen on Google Search before? That's fine, I thought Lily was Clair for a second since she was Yoko a short time ago >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Fuse, DL supplied the pick, and Lily liked the new one more. Not my choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Oh. Eh, I know the feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Just a few nitpicks. If you tried changing Lily's pic to a less 'sluttier' version, it pretty much backfired. That is the most sluttish slutty slut pic I've ev- You get what I mean. Fyi OTKs are not fun to read. Fyi you can't really say she'll develop; that's something we expect by default. Just now she looks like a cookie-cutter copy from a generic YGO villain. Or as Nex stated, Seto Kaiba. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 [quote name='Rarity' timestamp='1304468240' post='5186766'] Just a few nitpicks. If you tried changing Lily's pic to a less 'sluttier' version, it pretty much backfired. That is the most sluttish slutty slut pic I've ev- You get what I mean. Fyi OTKs are not fun to read. Fyi you can't really say she'll developed; that's something we expect by default. Just now she looks like a cookie-cutter copy from a generic YGO villain. Or as Nex stated, Seto Kaiba. [/quote] Of course. Actually, I had a less sluttyversion. LILY told me to change it to this one. I realize, and that is why they were set up alone. Theyare prettmuch gone, now, save plot points. You are right, but I am basing itn something that actually happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DLÂ Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Fuse...look up Ignis Jingai on google. It's not Yoko, even though the resemblance is...uncanny. And yeah, basically commented on voice chat, but... Still a HUGE problem with unecessary tell. The whole 3 rare Synchros as a gift is....too convenient. if they live by themselves, and Cherice has no job, she shouldn't be able to pay for rare synchros. Still don't like Cherice's character, who proves to me beyond a doubt what a character without depth means. Sure, she could have gotten depth in this chapter. In fact, it was an accelent opportunity. But telling us, instead of say...a dialogue between Cherice and Lily, did nothing to improve the flatness. oh, and why did Amelia like...flinch when Lily mentioned her parents? I mean, a frown would be much more.....natural in that situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Alright, Chapter 3 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iCherry Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 I like this chapter. Though... the duel result seemed kinda... obvious. Just, too obvious. idk. Randomly getting SSD, RND, and LSD from a random hobo is stupid, yet it made me lol. xD Cerise is just hilarious. Isaac and Andrew, I expected to have some personality by now. They just seem... bland. Especially Andrew, but, eh. WHERE THE HELL IS EXSHESO SHOKAN OVERLANE NETWORK AND ALL THE OTHER CRAP ZEXAL SAYS Also, other character's dialogue should start a new paragraph. Found it a tad confusing, but only happened twice here. Regardless, looking forward to Chapter 4, Otouto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 DELL IS MOKUBA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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