Fantasy Scrap

[Aix]

An old draft that I had started to write. Not going to finish it, but I'm looking for feedback.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Escape From Heaven's Vantage (unfinished)]En still remembered the day he arrived here at the top of the world. No one would believe him, because he was only one year old at the time. Even his brother, Kass, who was four at the time did not remember. However, En was even able to remember the day he was born.

 

It was a long day to be spent in the frigid passes of the Yue Mountains. They were in the last and most treacherous step of their journey.

 

The caravan was delayed twice by monsters. The beasts came in greater numbers than usual, but they had Kezan the Steadfast, one of the monastery's best fighters, as a guard and were able to proceed with minimal injuries.

 

The next challenge presented itself as one of the rope bridges broke, sending one of the monks ahead of them tumbling to his death. Reluctantly, they had to abandon the body and take a detour around the ravine.

 

Haunted by ill omens and rushed for time, they managed to just make it before night fell. For many of the monks, there was a sense of relief, but for En, his relief was overtaken by awe. There, in the dying light of evening, En caught his first glimpse of the monastery of Heaven's Vantage.

 

Walking through the gatehouse, his amazement only intensified. Founded a millennium ago by the great sage Shilon at the end of his travels, Heaven's Vantage is the oldest and most exalted place of worship for the goddess of destiny, Ein Kara. There was only a small building for Shilon and his three disciples at first, but over the centuries, it expanded into the neighbouring peaks forming a grand total of twenty temples and three large dormitories that housed over 2000 monks.

 

En lived here deep in the mountains for twelve years, not returning to civilization once.

 

Strolling through the monastery in the darkness before dawn, En felt only positive feelings well within him. He was feeling nostalgic, he supposed. Even dimly lit by torches, the countless temples spanning the complex stood with august beauty. It was at a time like now when he felt the worth of Shilon's teachings, the observation and appreciation of life and what life throws at you.

 

The hardships of his life here only strengthened the good memories, the friends he made and the moments he shared with them.

 

"En, have you taken another book from the Upper Library?" A slightly wheezing voice sounded behind him. An elderly monk joined him on his walk.

 

"Yes, it should be back in my room," said En.

 

"Lao the Wise is very disappointed in you," said the monk. "You have disobeyed him many times already."

 

Disappointed? More like utterly furious. Lao came off as a serene and wise old man, but he could never stand anyone going against the authority of the senior monks. En smiled with satisfaction as he imagined the old man's face red as a tomato with anger.

 

"I won't disobey him again, Bon," said En. "Tell him that."

 

The monk known as Bon the Humble chuckled. "I have told him that many times already. I tire a little of telling him."

 

"This time it's true," said En.

 

The smile on Bon's face faded. "When are you leaving?" he asked. As En suspected, Bon was already aware of En's plans. The old monk had been the one who raised him, after all.

 

"Tomorrow," said En. "Before anyone wakes and notices I'm gone."

 

"And nothing I say will convince you to stay?"

 

"Nothing. I am a man now, and I will forge my own destiny."

 

Bon seemed dissatisfied, and then defeated. "I cannot stop you from the path of destiny, but you should not take your brother with you. He is happy here."

 

"He comes by his own volition," said En.

 

Bon looked him in the eye. He seemed in serious contemplation for a moment, before he quickly changed the subject. En was too stubborn to be worth arguing with. "Come, come, let us enjoy this last sunrise together," he said pointing to a pavilion ahead.

 

En smiled and nodded.

 

The next few minutes were spent in speechless darkness waiting for the sun. There were no words needed between them. How many sunrises had they watched together when En was very young? The sheer beauty and majesty of the sun peaking over snowcapped mountains was Bon's favorite sight.

 

"The sunrise represents new beginnings," said Bon, as the first rays of light hit them. "You will be facing a great new beginning soon. I faced one when I first joined this monastery, and another when I decided to you as my ward... well, what I mean to say, is you never know what to expect... and much may not go as you expect. You will face many great, unforeseen hardships... but... I want you to hold the sight of this sunrise." Bon swallowed. "I want it to remind you of the beauty of this world we were born in and to always hold out hope... hope for all the beautiful sunsets to come." He stopped, but still seemed to want to say something. "Live a long life out there. I will make sure you will be welcome back any time if you ever tire of travel."

 

En smiled. "How many times have you practiced this speech for me?"

 

Bon sighed and gave an embarrassed chuckle. He was never good at these things no matter how he tried.

 

"Don't worry, I've taken your words to heart," said En, squinting into the sunrise. "I will treasure them as my light on my darkest days to come..." He paused and looked back at the old monk. "Bon the Humble, even when I have travelled thousands of miles and crossed the seas, I will always remember you and the kindness you have always shown me."

 

Bon seemed at a loss for a moment, and then he smiled. "Thank you, En."

 

En nodded. "I must take my leave now, Lao assigned me to help with serving our important New Year's guests during their stay," he said. "I suppose it's so he can keep me under his supervision."

 

 

En eyed the tray in his hands, with its steaming oatmeal and spiced dishes, enviously. Such luxuries were not allowed of the monks, who lived sparingly by the people's donations. He had long gotten used to the ascetic's diet, but the smells wafting up to his nose were tantamount to torture. He decided that after leaving the mountains, he would prioritize stuffing himself with good food.

 

It was fortunate he did not have to walk far and the monks shovelling the courtyard had already cleared his path of last night's snowfall.

 

"Lady Aya," said En, knocking on the door to one of the guest rooms. "Your food is here."

 

It was the handmaiden who opened the door and let him in. The one En had to attend to was a little girl, the only child of the Lord of Yue Province. He had seen her from afar, but up close, he was surprised by her beauty.

 

She was perfectly still with her eyes closed and looked like a porcelain doll. En noted that her black hair was already turning white, a sign of maturity for the Yue people, yet this girl could not be more than twelve. The average Yue person's hair turned white from their twenties into their thirties.

 

"Oh! A mini-monk!" said the girl suddenly as she opened her eyes. They were blue like the clear sky. "A dwarf perhaps?"

 

"How rude," said En. "You are smaller than me and you call me a dwarf?"

 

This girl, Lady Aya, seemed unused to being talked back to. "Yeah, but I'm only twelve," she said after a moment. It seemed he had guessed correctly.

 

"I'm only thirteen," stated En with mock indignation.

 

The girl's eyes widened slightly. "But your hair is all white!" she cried.

 

"I was born this way," said En, shrugging. "My lady, it is time to eat. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." With much grudgingness on his part, En set the tray on the table before her.

 

She looked at him and his hair for a moment longer, before turning to her food. He watched intently as the beautiful young girl take some of the porridge into her mouth. Evidently dissatisfied, she set it down and tried some of the meat. No luck there either. "This food is disgusting," she said.

 

En sighed. He should have expected the pampered nature of a noblewoman like her. Yet to his surprise, she continued to eat. "It's disgusting, but you still eat it," he remarked.

 

"It is unbecoming to be picky here in the North where food is sparse," she said.

 

"But you just had to complain, huh?" said En, smiling amusedly.

 

She glared at him and then stopped to consider something. "You've been eyeing my food for a while now. You don't eat well at all here, do you? I will allow you to take your pick of any one thing on my tray."

 

En stared into her eyes to ensure her sincerity, and then he hesitated, but he could not help but reach over and grab the largest piece of meat on the tray. He didn't dare waste it, taking a small bite at first.

 

It felt like his taste buds had died long ago and were now coming back to life.

 

"It is forbidden for you to eat the food intended for your guests," said Lady Aya.

 

En froze. "You told me to take it," he said.

 

"I let you take it, but I did not tell you to eat it," said Lady Aya triumphantly. "And quite a greedy boy you are, taking the largest piece off my tray."

 

"It's no way to live life confined by rules someone else made," said En, taking more bites into the meat. "And if you don't treat yourself to what you want, no one else will... no, I suppose that's not true for a noble lady like you."

 

"I may not understand the suffering of you commoners, but there are things I want, too, that I cannot have," said Lady Aya, crossing her arms.

 

"And what is that?" asked En.

 

She hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I want to travel. See the world with my own eyes."

 

"Oh?" En stared at her. To think that she carried the same sort of desire he did. "And... why don't you?"

 

"I am responsible for the grand domain of Yue, next in line to be the matriarch of the Yue people," said Lady Aya. "Of course, I can't just go traipsing off on adventures of my own choosing!"

 

"Yes, but you can just... no, never mind," said En. "Your sense of duty is very admirable."

 

Lady Aya looked at him. Evidently, she did not think he was really complimenting her. "Do you ever feel stifled here in this secluded monastery?" she asked.

 

"Me? No, I am very content living here," said En.

 

"Oh really?"

 

En smiled. "Have you seen the way the sun rises here, slowly reaching over these august mountains? I watch it every morning as it heralds a new beginning every day. It is a good life. Here, I can take things slowly and at my pace—" 

 

"Even Mei here can tell you're lying," said Lady Aya, gesturing at her handmaiden. The handmaiden frankly looked uncomfortable to be suddenly brought in.

 

"I'm not. It really is a good life here," said En.

 

Lady Aya crinkled her eyebrows. "It may be so, but you are not satisfied with it."

 

"My lady, you are just projecting yourself on me," said En.

 

"How about it, when I am older and take an official position of power, I will be able to take you from this monastery and into my court?" said Lady Aya.

 

"That's very generous of you to do for someone you've only just met," said En.

 

"I will give you a position as my Royal Explorer and diplomat. You will travel to far, distant lands and report what you see to me. Then, through proxy, I will have seen the world myself," said Lady Aya. "Take these years to brush up your skills in literature so that you can convey the world through your words."

 

En hesitated. It was so very tempting, this offer out of the blue. "I am already a fine artist if I may say so myself..."

 

"Even better!" exclaimed Lady Aya.

 

But, he had already decided."Do not do such things on my behalf," said En. "It is unnecessary." He will take the path he forged himself.

 

"Is that so..." She looked at him, trying to glean at his mind.

 

"Please," said En. Perhaps it was pride and foolishness to decline her offer, but it was how he was going to live his life. "Please finish your meal now, Lady Aya. It would not do to go to the New Year's Ritual on an empty stomach."

 

Lady Aya seemed discontent, but she returned her focus to her plate and picked at her "disgusting" food with her fork.

 

En smiled at her. "Eat and meanwhile allow me to entertain you with a story. A story of travels to far off lands," he said. He did not know if it was kindness or cruelty to speak so avidly of adventure to a girl destined to be trapped by the shackles of duty, but he decided to speak anyway. "You would not believe it if you saw him now, the man named Bon the Humble, but he once took on the mantle of an adventurer. This is only one of his many tales, of when he first resolved to travel out into the world and seek his own destiny..."

[Catterjune]

(I wrote this before I read the story, and only the introduction)

If you're not excited about this story, why should I be?

Like, if it's a good story, then I'll be on the edge of my seat "What happens next!?" and... oops! "Not going to finish it".

It's such an off putting introduction. Why would you include it? Most readers (even subconciously) will now try their hardest to justify thinking it's a bad story. Even if it's an excellent story, they'll go out of their way to hate it, and possibly just subconciously.

in my opinion

I'll try not to haters-gonna-hate all over it but it's pretty hard to walking into it and knowing that.


(The rest of this post is made after reading the first and only chapter)


Stylistic chocies:

- En is a stupid name. Took me about 3 re-reads to realize it was meant to be a proper noun.

- You know the phrase "show, don't tell?" You... LITERALLY show a picture of the monastery instead of telling us what it looked like.

- Only the real sticklers point out tense disagreements. So much so, I'll only mention it briefly in passing because we're in haters-gonna-hate mode. There's a lot of times when you switch tense, often in the same sentence.



The plot:

So there's this one year old kid who was sent to a monastery. He loves it, has all his friends and family there. He lives there for 12 years until he's 13 then he decides to leave for like... no good reason. All he offers is "I'm a man".

Later on he meets a girl. He proves that, even though he's spent his whole life at the monastery he's still a shitty monk with no discipline. If he was admonished by his fellow monks for being a shitty monk, that would be understandable. But instead in the scene with Bon the Humble they're all talking and paling around like buddies and he makes nothing to show that the protag has no discipline. It's just bizarre that he's known monk style his whole life and yet has no control or discipline when offered food.

But whatever. He's talking to this girl and she asks him, point blank if he's leaving to travel the world. He says no. She says he's lying. He STILL says no. She says she'll be a future matriarch and ruler of the land, and she promises him a position that will allow him to travel. HE STILL SAYS NO.

Like, what the funk? I thought "Even she can tell your lying" would be the turning point, but he's still refusing to the very end.

So the chapter ends and I'm not entirely sure where it's going. Are the next [however many] chapters going to be a flashback to when Bon was a young traveler? Is Lady Aya going to yell "boring!" and then we get on with En and Aya's traveling adventures? If Bon was a monk, why does he get to travel while En's making such a big funking deal of traveling?


tl;dr - It's not the worst thing I've ever read but it's just "serviceable". There weren't glaring mistakes and I felt compelled enough to at least see it through. Depending on where the story goes I may like to see it continued, but I wouldn't be particularly sad if it were not continued.

[Aix]

(I wrote this before I read the story, and only the introduction)

 

If you're not excited about this story, why should I be?

 

Like, if it's a good story, then I'll be on the edge of my seat "What happens next!?" and... oops! "Not going to finish it".

 

It's such an off putting introduction. Why would you include it? Most readers (even subconciously) will now try their hardest to justify thinking it's a bad story. Even if it's an excellent story, they'll go out of their way to hate it, and possibly just subconciously.

 

in my opinion

 

I'll try not to haters-gonna-hate all over it but it's pretty hard to walking into it and knowing that.

 

 

(The rest of this post is made after reading the first and only chapter)

 

 

Stylistic chocies:

 

- En is a stupid name. Took me about 3 re-reads to realize it was meant to be a proper noun.

 

- You know the phrase "show, don't tell?" You... LITERALLY show a picture of the monastery instead of telling us what it looked like.

 

- Only the real sticklers point out tense disagreements. So much so, I'll only mention it briefly in passing because we're in haters-gonna-hate mode. There's a lot of times when you switch tense, often in the same sentence.

 

 

 

The plot:

 

So there's this one year old kid who was sent to a monastery. He loves it, has all his friends and family there. He lives there for 12 years until he's 13 then he decides to leave for like... no good reason. All he offers is "I'm a man".

 

Later on he meets a girl. He proves that, even though he's spent his whole life at the monastery he's still a shitty monk with no discipline. If he was admonished by his fellow monks for being a shitty monk, that would be understandable. But instead in the scene with Bon the Humble they're all talking and paling around like buddies and he makes nothing to show that the protag has no discipline. It's just bizarre that he's known monk style his whole life and yet has no control or discipline when offered food.

 

But whatever. He's talking to this girl and she asks him, point blank if he's leaving to travel the world. He says no. She says he's lying. He STILL says no. She says she'll be a future matriarch and ruler of the land, and she promises him a position that will allow him to travel. HE STILL SAYS NO.

 

Like, what the funk? I thought "Even she can tell your lying" would be the turning point, but he's still refusing to the very end.

 

So the chapter ends and I'm not entirely sure where it's going. Are the next [however many] chapters going to be a flashback to when Bon was a young traveler? Is Lady Aya going to yell "boring!" and then we get on with En and Aya's traveling adventures? If Bon was a monk, why does he get to travel while En's making such a big funking deal of traveling?

 

 

tl;dr - It's not the worst thing I've ever read but it's just "serviceable". There weren't glaring mistakes and I felt compelled enough to at least see it through. Depending on where the story goes I may like to see it continued, but I wouldn't be particularly sad if it were not continued.

They're vaguely Asiatic names, so I dunno, En seemed easy and workable. Since this was intended purely for online format, and I wasn't going to go into great detail describing the temple in prose, I decided to leave the link there for whether you wanted to click on it or not.

 

The chapter wasn't meant to end there, I just didn't want to continue with this. He did have a plan of his own of leaving that he had decided on a while back which was supposed to be executed by the end of this chapter.

 

One of the things I wanted to bring out was that he could have been perfectly fine in the monastery, but would still rather leave for reasons that were to be revealed later in the chapter.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback.

[Catterjune]

I can't really review based on what I can't read.

 

"I had a great plan for how he leaves and where this chapter was going and etc etc!"

 

... Okay? You could at least let us know what the plan was, especially since you're not gonna even write it.

[Aix]

I can't really review based on what I can't read.

 

"I had a great plan for how he leaves and where this chapter was going and etc etc!"

 

... Okay? You could at least let us know what the plan was, especially since you're not gonna even write it.

I was just looking for impressions was all.