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How can I improve my story(writing)?

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I was one of the writers in the Isekai contest, and my story, while getting a vote from a new member, got some critisism from the older members, and I would like to discuss how I can imrpve it with you people. What should I add or remove? What was the stories's stregnths and flaws? How can I address those flaws? etc. ALso, I plan on re-publishing it with extra  chapters -- should I do that, or start over?
My story, titled Expedition Solaea, can be found here, along with the other stories in the contest. (If it loads you at the bottom of the page, just scroll up.)

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