Poem anyone?

[Guest JoshIcy]

Kinda spontaneous poem :/ I was bored in class, heard something and started writing this in a alternate english phonetic alphabet I created... But here is the direct translated version:

[align=center]

Here now I lay,

In a world unlike my own,

Dying a piece each night,

A followers dream,

Wanting no more than to serve,

From the deep I release a howl,

To be searched or lost I wonder,

Yet I know and believe,

This pup longs for his master,

He dreams for his name to be called,

By his master locked in the past.[/align]

 

Comments, fixes maybe etc?

[Static]

Down in the shadows of your deepest secrets

I sleep next to the precepts you hold most dear

Your heart is in my province hour upon hour

I shiver when you feel the cold,

Everything you say I hear [everything you say I hear]

 

Like a bomb and its fuse,

We bring bright light

But I could be a devil to you

I could bite like a tarantula

Right through the skin

And leave my poison dripping

 

Deliciously Unsuspecting

Protecting you from all harm

Except perhaps from reasons

 

From Reasons

 

That's what your poem reminded me of.

 

No corrections on your poem though, a critic cannot claim truth about anothers artwork because it is their own, of their essence.

 

It's unique, I will give it that. Not smooth enough to read IMO, but that's alright.

[Guest JoshIcy]

lol, then ignore the criticism and go from a personal perspective?

[Guest JoshIcy]

lol no idea? Its the only place to post one so I post them here.

And thanks ^_^

[Static]

Kinda spontaneous poem :/ I was bored in class' date=' heard something and started writing this in a alternate english phonetic alphabet I created... But here is the direct translated version:

[align=center']

Here now I lay,

In a world unlike my own,

Dying a piece each night,

A followers dream,

Wanting no more than to serve,

From the deep I release a howl,

To be searched or lost I wonder,

Yet I know and believe,

This pup longs for his master,

He dreams for his name to be called,

By his master locked in the past.[/align]

 

Comments, fixes maybe etc?

 

A floating bit of conscious, lost in its own world.

Like a hallucination, a different perspective, a new world to be lost in.

Caught in a lonely mess of reality, desiring the presence of another, wanting.

Wanting, but never giving, giving enough.

And the mess of reality remains one of solitude.

Trapped as such, in a perception of eternity.

 

One who longs for something, waiting, but never putting in all the effort, feeling as though another is trapped, because they cannot become what they need to be to get what they really want. The pup wants his master to conquer the world, the plane of reality around him, fading back into eternity just a little bit at a time.

 

That's what I got from it. I think your poem is a bit self reflective, no?

 

Oh, and I noticed that when you read the first letter of each line down at a glance, it gives off the appearance of reading "Hid Away From The," which I thought was interesting.

[Pikachu]

.....nice, but no rhymes.....*cries*

it's interesting good poems don't have rhymes XD

[Static]

i like the poem.. but i just got one question---> how are you allowed to post a poem yet its ok' date=' and when i post one, it gets locked? >.>

 

*i do like the poem though*

[/quote']

 

Because DJ simply does not like your religious stuff. That is really the only reason.

[Guest JoshIcy]

Interesting Comment Static, and thank you very much ^_^.

It is rather self reflective because that spark is what told me to write about my natural canine tendencies.... I have a lot of them, and the follower characteristic is one of them.

 

@Pikachu: I could have slant rhymed etc, (meti taught me that) but I do not like them as the words cannot be as loose as you may like them to be at times.

[Static]

Interesting Comment Static' date=' and thank you very much ^_^.

It is rather self reflective because that spark is what told me to write about my natural canine tendencies.... I have a lot of them, and the follower characteristic is one of them.

 

@Pikachu: I could have slant rhymed etc, (meti taught me that) but I do not like them as the words cannot be as loose as you may like them to be at times.

[/quote']

 

Naw dude. Look deeper into my comment. I think I remember you telling us of some girl you want. That was what I was really getting at. I might have a little different perception of the idea, but based on how that story came across, it seems to reflect it very well.

 

I do hope I just blew your mind, if not, then, OH NOES SANDSTORM :O

[Guest JoshIcy]

Interesting Comment Static' date=' and thank you very much ^_^.

It is rather self reflective because that spark is what told me to write about my natural canine tendencies.... I have a lot of them, and the follower characteristic is one of them.

 

@Pikachu: I could have slant rhymed etc, (meti taught me that) but I do not like them as the words cannot be as loose as you may like them to be at times.

[/quote']

 

Naw dude. Look deeper into my comment. I think I remember you telling us of some girl you want. That was what I was really getting at. I might have a little different perception of the idea, but based on how that story came across, it seems to reflect it very well.

 

I do hope I just blew your mind, if not, then, OH NOES SANDSTORM :O

 

lol I know that and thanks for remembering. It would be the only seeming implication that you could have posted with such depth and understanding in some areas.

It just explained that spark and explained why I wrote the poem, it just came out about how I feel for her....

[Mr. Best Male 2008]

Lacks brutalness.

[Willieh]

Lacks brutalness.

 

I agree. Somebody should get stabbed.

 

 

But it is a good poem. I enjoyed it. Unfortuanately (spelling?) my short attention span demands to be dazzled by a rhyme scheme. :P

 

Very nice. :D

[Static]

Interesting Comment Static' date=' and thank you very much ^_^.

It is rather self reflective because that spark is what told me to write about my natural canine tendencies.... I have a lot of them, and the follower characteristic is one of them.

 

@Pikachu: I could have slant rhymed etc, (meti taught me that) but I do not like them as the words cannot be as loose as you may like them to be at times.

[/quote']

 

Naw dude. Look deeper into my comment. I think I remember you telling us of some girl you want. That was what I was really getting at. I might have a little different perception of the idea, but based on how that story came across, it seems to reflect it very well.

 

I do hope I just blew your mind, if not, then, OH NOES SANDSTORM :O

 

lol I know that and thanks for remembering. It would be the only seeming implication that you could have posted with such depth and understanding in some areas.

It just explained that spark and explained why I wrote the poem, it just came out about how I feel for her....

 

I knew this already (well, somethings just make sense, you know?). I'm just glad you realized it too. :D

 

Krow needs to grow out of his metal phase ASAP.

[Mr. Best Male 2008]

Interesting Comment Static' date=' and thank you very much ^_^.

It is rather self reflective because that spark is what told me to write about my natural canine tendencies.... I have a lot of them, and the follower characteristic is one of them.

 

@Pikachu: I could have slant rhymed etc, (meti taught me that) but I do not like them as the words cannot be as loose as you may like them to be at times.

[/quote']

 

Naw dude. Look deeper into my comment. I think I remember you telling us of some girl you want. That was what I was really getting at. I might have a little different perception of the idea, but based on how that story came across, it seems to reflect it very well.

 

I do hope I just blew your mind, if not, then, OH NOES SANDSTORM :O

 

lol I know that and thanks for remembering. It would be the only seeming implication that you could have posted with such depth and understanding in some areas.

It just explained that spark and explained why I wrote the poem, it just came out about how I feel for her....

 

I knew this already (well, somethings just make sense, you know?). I'm just glad you realized it too. :D

 

Krow needs to grow out of his metal phase ASAP.

 

I probably will soon.

 

 

Just like my.

 

Grunge Phase.

 

My Matchbox twenty Phase.

 

My incubus Phase.

 

My Staind Phase.

 

My RATM Phase.

 

My Symphony X Phase

 

My Prong Phase.

 

My Helmet Phase.

 

 

I can go on >.<

 

 

Though I can say, this is the longest lasting phase I have had.

[Static]

Symphony X is epic win. Much better than KORN.

[RickiMinaj]

im to say its quite bliss. But i sence treachery and horror in it's walls for the torrment faced by the other's who have unkindly treated the pup. Henceforth searching for the true master. You have a lovely way of putting it. 10/10

[Guest JoshIcy]

Haha thanks Ino ^_^, this poem kinda felt like it meant a lot less. But then again that greatest of Poets dont like their own work ;) but are alright with sharing it.