Yugioh!: The Big 12 - Volume 1, Prologue

[5252345262667]

FAN FIC IS HERE:

 

Pleae read my improved version: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-210407.html

 

 

(YCM isn't allowing me to delete this thread so yeahhhh)

[PikMan]

I have a review show now, so read my review!

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, for one, you need to make this bit longer, improve upon your nonexistent description, stop replying everytime nobody posts for a couple of hours, and come up with a less generic plot. That's all I've got here.

 

And PikMan: POST YOUR REVIEWS ON THE HOST TOPIC AS WELL. YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF LOOK NOOBISH! HURRY! FIX IT! BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT! WAAAAH...

 

Wait, what?

[Twig]

Some things I noticed:

 

I have no idea how Yumi looks like, so I'm just going to picture him as Jaden!

Why doesn't Yumi trick someone else to getting the card, just like what the owner of the store did to him?!

Brackets are not used for thoughts!

The winner of the tournament gets to battle Pegasus, but Pegasus is offering Yumi to battle him to enter the tournament! Does that mean Yumi will have to battle Pegasus twice?

I thought Yugi-boy was the best duelist in the world!

Why is Yumi joining the contest in which the prize is a god card when he knows god cards carry curses with them?!

Wait a minute! I just noticed something! Is Yumi a boy or a girl?!

Apparently, when people insert their decks into the duel disk, it's official! And no matter what, you can't reject it!

 

Don't ask why I'm using exclamation marks!

[5252345262667]

Some things I noticed:

 

I have no idea how Yumi looks like' date=' so I'm just going to picture him as Jaden!

Why doesn't Yumi trick someone else to getting the card, just like what the owner of the store did to him?!

Brackets are not used for thoughts!

The winner of the tournament gets to battle Pegasus, but Pegasus is offering Yumi to battle him to enter the tournament! Does that mean Yumi will have to battle Pegasus twice?

I thought Yugi[s']-boy[/s] was the best duelist in the world!

Why is Yumi joining the contest in which the prize is a god card when he knows god cards carry curses with them?!

Wait a minute! I just noticed something! Is Yumi a boy or a girl?!

Apparently, when people insert their decks into the duel disk, it's official! And no matter what, you can't reject it!

 

Don't ask why I'm using exclamation marks!

 

Hmmm...You're right, I never noticed these things. I have to improve, thanks for pointing these things out!

[Phantom Roxas]

If you can amend the things Twig pointed out, I will happily give my special review.

[Cthonian]

I really liked and can't wait for the next chapter.

[5252345262667]

Im ganno get started, rewriting the entire prologue and script. :D

[Cthonian]

Ok.... I'll be waiting

[5252345262667]

OK. I'm done fixing up those mistakes, now I just need to write the script :)

[bury the year]

I just realized. Does it ever mention Yumi's gender in here? To my knowledge, Yumi is always a girl's name, yet Twig keeps calling them a boy, hence my confusion.

[Twig]

I just realized. Does it ever mention Yumi's gender in here? To my knowledge' date=' Yumi is always a girl's name, yet Twig keeps calling them a boy, hence my confusion.

[/quote']

 

I did mention that.

 

Some things I noticed:

 

I have no idea how Yumi looks like' date=' so I'm just going to picture him as Jaden!

Why doesn't Yumi trick someone else to getting the card, just like what the owner of the store did to him?!

Brackets are not used for thoughts!

The winner of the tournament gets to battle Pegasus, but Pegasus is offering Yumi to battle him to enter the tournament! Does that mean Yumi will have to battle Pegasus twice?

I thought Yugi[s']-boy[/s] was the best duelist in the world!

Why is Yumi joining the contest in which the prize is a god card when he knows god cards carry curses with them?!

Wait a minute! I just noticed something! Is Yumi a boy or a girl?!

Apparently, when people insert their decks into the duel disk, it's official! And no matter what, you can't reject it!

 

Don't ask why I'm using exclamation marks!

 

@salsha: Wait, what did you exactly fix?

[bury the year]

Some things I noticed:

 

I have no idea how Yumi looks like' date=' so I'm just going to picture [b']him[/b] as Jaden!

Why doesn't Yumi trick someone else to getting the card, just like what the owner of the store did to him?!

Brackets are not used for thoughts!

The winner of the tournament gets to battle Pegasus, but Pegasus is offering Yumi to battle him to enter the tournament! Does that mean Yumi will have to battle Pegasus twice?

I thought Yugi-boy was the best duelist in the world!

Why is Yumi joining the contest in which the prize is a god card when he knows god cards carry curses with them?!

Wait a minute! I just noticed something! Is Yumi a boy or a girl?!

Apparently, when people insert their decks into the duel disk, it's official! And no matter what, you can't reject it!

 

Don't ask why I'm using exclamation marks!

 

Guess I missed that point. However, you used "he" twice when referring to Yumi, so I thought you thought Yumi was a boy.

[5252345262667]

I just realized. Does it ever mention Yumi's gender in here? To my knowledge' date=' Yumi is always a girl's name, yet Twig keeps calling them a boy, hence my confusion.

[/quote']

 

I did mention that.

 

Some things I noticed:

 

I have no idea how Yumi looks like' date=' so I'm just going to picture him as Jaden!

Why doesn't Yumi trick someone else to getting the card, just like what the owner of the store did to him?!

Brackets are not used for thoughts!

The winner of the tournament gets to battle Pegasus, but Pegasus is offering Yumi to battle him to enter the tournament! Does that mean Yumi will have to battle Pegasus twice?

I thought Yugi[s']-boy[/s] was the best duelist in the world!

Why is Yumi joining the contest in which the prize is a god card when he knows god cards carry curses with them?!

Wait a minute! I just noticed something! Is Yumi a boy or a girl?!

Apparently, when people insert their decks into the duel disk, it's official! And no matter what, you can't reject it!

 

Don't ask why I'm using exclamation marks!

 

@salsha: Wait, what did you exactly fix?

 

All the mistakes that were pointed out. I'm writing the entire prologue, and I have most of the main ideas for the theme of a saga/"season" (like the intro, build up, final duel for saga, ending , next saga...). I'm still writing the Prologue though.

[Cthonian]

I still can't wait for the continuation

[Phantom Roxas]

Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.

 

 

 

Having survived the abomination that was Micheal Fudo vs Paradox, lets hope we've delved into something marginally better.

 

Prologue: The Sacred Cards

 

I awoke startled on the floor beside my bed. I felt a small pain in my back, another nightmare. You see, about a month ago, I was on a school trip, our teacher allowed us to go the souvenir shop.

 

See, there's a comma splice right before that "our teacher" part.

 

I had glanced at a powerful Yugioh card I never seen before.

 

Are people really that lazy to type Yu-Gi-Oh!? I know Yugioh is easier on the eyes for people, but it really isn't that hard to type.

 

“Poseidon: God of Sea”.

 

I suspect salsha is another fan of Percy Jackson, since that's pretty much the biggest reason someone would have their protagonist related to Poseidon somehow.

 

I asked the owner what this card was and he replied by saying that it’s a one-of-a-kind card. The owner said there are 12 god cards in existence, but, the owner had given me the card for free if I promised to take good care of it.

 

They're are only about ten copies of the Seal of Orichalcos in print. If I were to go up and ask for him to give me that card and promise to take card of it, I doubt he'd give it to a stranger like me. Either that or this guy really wanted to give it away and figured that our hero would make that easier.

 

Also, we seem to have another story where the author prefers to write numbers in number form rather then in text form.

 

He told me that they were based on Greek mythology.

 

Did he really need to? I'm pretty sure our thus-far-nameless hero should know who Poseidon is.

 

I was surprised by giving me a powerful card, but now I know why. Ever since I used this card, I get these weird nightmares. I now understand why, it’s a curse. I sound so idiotic right now, but there is.

 

Learn proper punctuation.

 

I can’t get rid of it, I tried destroying it, but it still came back, appearing in my deck.

 

He didn't consider returning it our finding some other poor sap to give it to?

 

“Yumi?”

 

[What the-] I thought.

 

No. Who writes thoughts like that? Italics, quotation marks, either of those works, but parentheses?

 

“Yumiiii…?” my mother had been calling me.

 

“One second, mom!” I quickly got ready. I totally forgot, today was the big tournament! Way before the class trip, I entered a qualifying match in the tournament. I won 7 duels which had qualified me to enter the national tournament. There were going to be a lot of duelists.

 

Do I really need to correct every single error for you?

 

I ran out the room and checked my watch, 12:15. [No!] I thought to myself, I ran out the door and started my way to the tournament.

I finally got to the tournament, I was 15 minutes late! I went up to the duelist ID registration; the Id’s were also punched into your cards, only you can access them through your duel disks to prevent stealing.

 

Why do wait until now to use a semicolon? Also, why do these stories insist of having the main character run when they have a parent that can easily drive them there if he's in such a hurry? Did his mother have the same accident as Daniel's had?

 

“Huh? Who is that?” a man said in a white shirt with a tie.

 

“My..name is- Yumi… I.. am a qualifying duelist” I said out of breath.

 

“Sorry kid, but registration is over. You’re too late.” The man replied

 

It's a shame you didn't have someone to drive there so you could be on time.

 

“Oh, come on! Please?”

 

“I have strict rules under-“the man was interrupted,

 

“Ah, so this is little Yumi,” a familiar man said.

 

“How do you know my name? Wait a sec… you’re…you’re Maximillion Pegasus!”

 

And we have yet another fanfic where Pegasus shows up. I really don't know how to feel about this.

 

“Why, yes I am,” Pegasus said in return.

 

“Oh my god, sir, I…why are you here?”

 

“Well, to watch my tournament of course! The winner challenges me, he can win a very rare card.”

 

“Oh, wow. What card is it?”

 

“It’s named Athena: Goddess of Wisdom. It’s a very powerful God card.”

 

“You’re giving up a god card!?”

 

"I can't believe the guy who created a card game solely for children to obtain the cards and play with them would just give away a card to a child so that he can play with it!"

 

Also, a random store owner gave you Poseidon, which I presume is an even better card than Athena. Of course, Athena is probably cursed as well and Pegasus is as much a selfish jerk as the store owner and wants to give it away.

 

Furthermore, why is Yumi so surprised? If he's trying to get into this tournament, shouldn't he already know that the winner will do Pegasus and win a rare card?

 

“Yes, but I doubt anyone will win against me.”

 

I'm pretty sure Toons aren't meta.

 

“Sir,” the man with the tie interrupted, “15 minutes until the first round of the tournament start. So far, 11 people have been eliminated from the tournament, only 9 remain. They each have won altogether 10 duels.”

 

Wait, if the first round has yet to start, how come 11 people have already been eliminated from the tournament? Don't you mean the qualifiers?

 

I realized I only had won 7 duels before entering, I needed 3 more.

 

You said that you qualified because you had won seven duels. How does this kid not know these things about the tournament?

 

“Wait, only 5 minutes!?”

 

“That is correct.” The man replied.

 

Apparently ten minutes passed during the time it took to reach this part of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure it's just salsha's inconsistent writing.

 

“Not to worry,” Pegasus replied. “ I have a little wager for you,”

 

Because that's totally abiding by the rules. Pegasus, you've run a tournament before, I think you can easily break it to this kid that he'll just have to try next year.

 

“For me? What is it?” I said.

 

“If you can beat me in a duel, I’ll allow you to enter!”

 

Wait, why does he have you duel you? Isn't the whole point of the tournament to have the winner duel you anyway? Why waste your time dueling a kid who doesn't even know the basics of the tournament and doesn't have the decency to show up on time?

 

“Defeat you!! How is that even possible!? You’re the world’s best duelist!”

 

I have absolutely no idea where this story takes place now.

 

“Well, we’ll see!” Pegasus took out his deck. I was about to laugh, but he was serious. He inserted his deck and it became an official match.

 

Not exactly "official", but certainly "real". He's just going to let you in on a stupid wager if you manage to win. Good luck even getting into the bracket before this is over.

 

“Well….alright, fine! Let’s duel!” I inserted my deck. I was about to duel the creator of this game, and there was no way out.

 

And who's fault is that?

 

That's all there is to it. Overall, it's nothing special to me. We have a hero who's too stupid to know the basic rules to a tournament or ask his mom to drive him to place so he isn't late. Granted, this is an prologue, and certainly longer than most, but something like this shouldn't count as a prologue and should really just be billed as the first chapter. It even has it's own chapter name. salsha promises that he already has the story developed in his head already, so there's a chance it can improve later on, but most of this story is just characters taking stupid actions because the plot demands it and Yumi is involved.

 

 

[5252345262667]

Weather Reports' date=' Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b']

 

 

 

Having survived the abomination that was Micheal Fudo vs Paradox, lets hope we've delved into something marginally better.

 

Prologue: The Sacred Cards

 

I awoke startled on the floor beside my bed. I felt a small pain in my back, another nightmare. You see, about a month ago, I was on a school trip, our teacher allowed us to go the souvenir shop.

 

See, there's a comma splice right before that "our teacher" part.

 

I had glanced at a powerful Yugioh card I never seen before.

 

Are people really that lazy to type Yu-Gi-Oh!? I know Yugioh is easier on the eyes for people, but it really isn't that hard to type.

 

“Poseidon: God of Sea”.

 

I suspect salsha is another fan of Percy Jackson, since that's pretty much the biggest reason someone would have their protagonist related to Poseidon somehow.

 

I asked the owner what this card was and he replied by saying that it’s a one-of-a-kind card. The owner said there are 12 god cards in existence, but, the owner had given me the card for free if I promised to take good care of it.

 

They're are only about ten copies of the Seal of Orichalcos in print. If I were to go up and ask for him to give me that card and promise to take card of it, I doubt he'd give it to a stranger like me. Either that or this guy really wanted to give it away and figured that our hero would make that easier.

 

Also, we seem to have another story where the author prefers to write numbers in number form rather then in text form.

 

He told me that they were based on Greek mythology.

 

Did he really need to? I'm pretty sure our thus-far-nameless hero should know who Poseidon is.

 

I was surprised by giving me a powerful card, but now I know why. Ever since I used this card, I get these weird nightmares. I now understand why, it’s a curse. I sound so idiotic right now, but there is.

 

Learn proper punctuation.

 

I can’t get rid of it, I tried destroying it, but it still came back, appearing in my deck.

 

He didn't consider returning it our finding some other poor sap to give it to?

 

“Yumi?”

 

[What the-] I thought.

 

No. Who writes thoughts like that? Italics, quotation marks, either of those works, but parentheses?

 

“Yumiiii…?” my mother had been calling me.

 

“One second, mom!” I quickly got ready. I totally forgot, today was the big tournament! Way before the class trip, I entered a qualifying match in the tournament. I won 7 duels which had qualified me to enter the national tournament. There were going to be a lot of duelists.

 

Do I really need to correct every single error for you?

 

I ran out the room and checked my watch, 12:15. [No!] I thought to myself, I ran out the door and started my way to the tournament.

I finally got to the tournament, I was 15 minutes late! I went up to the duelist ID registration; the Id’s were also punched into your cards, only you can access them through your duel disks to prevent stealing.

 

Why do wait until now to use a semicolon? Also, why do these stories insist of having the main character run when they have a parent that can easily drive them there if he's in such a hurry? Did his mother have the same accident as Daniel's had?

 

“Huh? Who is that?” a man said in a white shirt with a tie.

 

“My..name is- Yumi… I.. am a qualifying duelist” I said out of breath.

 

“Sorry kid, but registration is over. You’re too late.” The man replied

 

It's a shame you didn't have someone to drive there so you could be on time.

 

“Oh, come on! Please?”

 

“I have strict rules under-“the man was interrupted,

 

“Ah, so this is little Yumi,” a familiar man said.

 

“How do you know my name? Wait a sec… you’re…you’re Maximillion Pegasus!”

 

And we have yet another fanfic where Pegasus shows up. I really don't know how to feel about this.

 

“Why, yes I am,” Pegasus said in return.

 

“Oh my god, sir, I…why are you here?”

 

“Well, to watch my tournament of course! The winner challenges me, he can win a very rare card.”

 

“Oh, wow. What card is it?”

 

“It’s named Athena: Goddess of Wisdom. It’s a very powerful God card.”

 

“You’re giving up a god card!?”

 

"I can't believe the guy who created a card game solely for children to obtain the cards and play with them would just give away a card to a child so that he can play with it!"

 

Also, a random store owner gave you Poseidon, which I presume is an even better card than Athena. Of course, Athena is probably cursed as well and Pegasus is as much a selfish jerk as the store owner and wants to give it away.

 

Furthermore, why is Yumi so surprised? If he's trying to get into this tournament, shouldn't he already know that the winner will do Pegasus and win a rare card?

 

“Yes, but I doubt anyone will win against me.”

 

I'm pretty sure Toons aren't meta.

 

“Sir,” the man with the tie interrupted, “15 minutes until the first round of the tournament start. So far, 11 people have been eliminated from the tournament, only 9 remain. They each have won altogether 10 duels.”

 

Wait, if the first round has yet to start, how come 11 people have already been eliminated from the tournament? Don't you mean the qualifiers?

 

I realized I only had won 7 duels before entering, I needed 3 more.

 

You said that you qualified because you had won seven duels. How does this kid not know these things about the tournament?

 

“Wait, only 5 minutes!?”

 

“That is correct.” The man replied.

 

Apparently ten minutes passed during the time it took to reach this part of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure it's just salsha's inconsistent writing.

 

“Not to worry,” Pegasus replied. “ I have a little wager for you,”

 

Because that's totally abiding by the rules. Pegasus, you've run a tournament before, I think you can easily break it to this kid that he'll just have to try next year.

 

“For me? What is it?” I said.

 

“If you can beat me in a duel, I’ll allow you to enter!”

 

Wait, why does he have you duel you? Isn't the whole point of the tournament to have the winner duel you anyway? Why waste your time dueling a kid who doesn't even know the basics of the tournament and doesn't have the decency to show up on time?

 

“Defeat you!! How is that even possible!? You’re the world’s best duelist!”

 

I have absolutely no idea where this story takes place now.

 

“Well, we’ll see!” Pegasus took out his deck. I was about to laugh, but he was serious. He inserted his deck and it became an official match.

 

Not exactly "official", but certainly "real". He's just going to let you in on a stupid wager if you manage to win. Good luck even getting into the bracket before this is over.

 

“Well….alright, fine! Let’s duel!” I inserted my deck. I was about to duel the creator of this game, and there was no way out.

 

And who's fault is that?

 

That's all there is to it. Overall, it's nothing special to me. We have a hero who's too stupid to know the basic rules to a tournament or ask his mom to drive him to place so he isn't late. Granted, this is an prologue, and certainly longer than most, but something like this shouldn't count as a prologue and should really just be billed as the first chapter. It even has it's own chapter name. salsha promises that he already has the story developed in his head already, so there's a chance it can improve later on, but most of this story is just characters taking stupid actions because the plot demands it and Yumi is involved.

 

 

 

I am a fan of Percy jackson, however, yes Yumi is related to Poesidon, but he is not his father. Besides, I started to write a improved prologue, added some more ideas while eliminting some.

[Phantom Roxas]

I figured they weren't father and son, but the fact that they were connected at all made it obvious you're a fan.

[5252345262667]

I still can't wait for the continuation

 

OK! New prologue is up!

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-210407.html

[Phantom Roxas]

Um, you couldn't just edit the current prologue?

[5252345262667]

Um' date=' you couldn't just edit the current prologue?

[/quote']

 

Oops!

[bury the year]

Since the fic's been moved, no need to keep this old thread open. LOCKED.