--------------- Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Warning: There is a fair amount of foul language. [s]Reader discretion is advised.[/s] Been a while since I've posted anything in Fanfic (besides RPing). Not good at showing instead of telling, but I did my best. [s]Don't kill me.[/s] I PMed 28 different users to fill out a character app for me (for those of you I PMed, the title was "15, or, at least, 14"). Now is when you get to see a little of your character. (I may have deviated a little from the character you gave me. oh well.) [spoiler=Received Characters]Christian Brashier - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/188800-shizuo-heiwajima/"]Shizuo Heiwajima[/url] Tanner Blair - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/34677-desu-the-finale/"]Desu the Finale[/url] Mark Colbyrn - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/276354-thecomposer/"]TheComposer[/url] Isaac Fairmont - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/297346-raine%e2%84%a2/"]Raine[size=2][sup]TM[/sup][/size][/url] Chelise Taylor - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/170146-yuzuru-otonashi/"]Yuzuru Otonashi[/url] [b][color=#0099ff]Jaimee Lance - [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/481514-kit%c2%a7une%e2%95%b3%cf%88ouka%ce%af/"][color=#0099ff]Kit§une╳Ψoukaί[/color][/url][/b] Kevin Clipse - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/130483-fusion-x-denver/"]Fusion X. Denver[/url] Shikegi Shuga - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/134494-darklink401/"]Darklink401[/url] Ivan West - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/227682-john-a-zoidberg/"]John A. Zoidberg[/url] Zak Ruxemburg - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/77805-pinkie-pie/"]Pinkie Pie[/url] Jack Ronson - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/248839-der-quizzler/"]Der Quizzler[/url] Melanie Ayers - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/374045-devils-advocate/"]Devil's Advocate[/url] Kyle Rohdy - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/243934-techi%E2%98%BA/"]Techi[size=4]☺[/size][/url] Tom Kraskov - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/329618-wtfaukorean/"]WTFauKorean[/url] Nathaniel Maddock - [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/17470-phantom-roxas/"]Phantom Roxas[/url] [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 0 - The Game][i]When we entered middle school, we thought we were already members of society, and that we could do anything.[/i] [i]We cried, we laughed, we got angry... We thought we already knew most of what there was to our world.[/i] [i]But in truth, we were all just children, protected by our parents and the society we lived in. True sadness and anger wasn't nearly as petty as what we felt in our daily lives.[/i] [i]That's what we learned when the fifteen of us gathered together.[/i] [i]And then...[/i] “Come on, guys,” Enna said to her group of kids, as she led them through the Chicago fair grounds, right next to the beach of Lake Michigan. As a member of the Future Educators Association in their school, she was given a group of seventh graders to chaperone during their field trip. The kids quickly caught up to the teenager. A girl in a bright yellow shirt and dark blue skirt noticed one kid was lagging behind, distracted by all the fancy lights and decorations of a food cart. “Come on, Nate! We won’t hold your place in line!” The boy snapped to her attention, his piercing green eyes meeting hers. “Coming, Jaimee!” The two caught up to the group. The majority of the kids were boys, and half of them were chatting excitedly with each other as they were nearing the newest edition to the fair, a rollercoaster called the Hurricane. One blonde kid with glasses, Jack, was the loudest among them. “I am SO ready for this ride! I heard one guy passed out on it!” The young Japanese boy next to him pushed him and called him a nerd. “Why would a grown man pass out on a stupid coaster? Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of [i]you[/i] got scared an-” “Shut up, Kegi,” a rather nervous looking boy with brown hair shouted. “Stop trying to scare us!” Kegi only laughed in response. “Hey! Stop arguing,” Enna yelled at the two kids. The boys had fought all the way here, and the young brunette had enough of it. “One more fight, and NEITHER of you can go on the ride.” The two boys glared at each other, then separated to either side of the group. One of the taller boys elbowed Kegi’s rival. “Relax, Tanner,” he said, “it’s just a damn ride. Nothing’s gunna happen.” “You don’t know that, Mark,” Tanner replied. “For all we know, the ride could break while we’re on it!” Mark burst into laughter at Tanner’s fear. “You really think that’d happen?! Then, fine. Ride with me. s*** never happens to me.” Tanner felt a little embarrassed, but relieved as well. Another of the kids also came to comfort him. “Don’t worry, Tanner,” the dirty blonde boy, Ivan, said, “Everything’ll be fine. They’re required by law to make sure these rides are in working order.” Mark then laughed a little at him, too. “Of course, being the son of a Supreme Court Judge, you’d know this,” Mark noted, patting Ivan on the back. “Thanks, guys,” Tanner said to his friends, “I’m not the best at rollercoasters. I mean, I get so freaked out that something’ll happen.” “So what if something does?” The three boys turned around to face the group’s loner, Chelise, a young girl with very pale-brown hair in a grey turtleneck. “If you did die, how would it have been different if you died in a car crash, or a snake bite, or old age? You’re going to die anyway. Don’t freak out if it’s here.” As she spoke, she continued walking with the group, even walking past the three boys. Only Mark said ‘damn’ in response. On the other side of the crowd of thirteen year olds, Kegi was talking trash about Tanner. "That pussy. What the hell would he be so scared of?" "Lotsa people have a fear of rollercoasters," a tanned Isaac said with the hint of an English accent, "What he said was a natural reaction." Kegi glared at Isaac for a moment. "You don't get it. That guy expects everything to kill him. He's got some serious paranoia." "It's like Murphy's Law," another boy, Christian, said to the two, "'Whatever can go wrong, [i]will[/i] go wrong.'" The two boys stared at Christian, but they weren't the only ones. From the back of the group, Jaimee was checking him out. "Melanie, isn't Christian so cute?" Melanie, the girl with long, blonde hair next to her, looked up from her phone to the boy Jaimee was referring to. "Not really. At least not to me." "You're just jealous because I'm gunna get to him first." Jaimee pointed out. "Hah," her friend replied, "if you want to go out with him, why don't you go ask?" Jaimee suddenly blushed. "What are you crazy? I'd die of embarrassment!" "Like I thought," Melanie laughed with her friend. The last four boys in the group could hear them loud and clear. "Why does Jaimee like Christian?" the chubbier one of them asked. "What does he have that I don't?" "Good looks, no weight," a taller boy with messy hair listed. "Maybe he's a little more outgoing?" "Gee, Tom," the boy said with sarcasm, "You sure know how to cheer someone up." "That's what I'm here for," Tom joked, pushing his friend, Zak, playfully. "I'm sure you'll get her to notice you," a pale kid, Kyle, said to Zak. Zak laughed, not at his friend, but at the idea. "Sure, one day I'll just work up the strength and come and sweep her off her feet!" Three laughed at the idea of Zak being some sort of Prince Charming. The final kid overheard what Zak had said. Walking past the trio in his all black attire, he muttered to himself. "[i]Better hurry.... before she gets swept away[/i]." "Look!" One of the kids shouted. They had arrived at the rollercoaster. Above the ride was a luminescent sign declaring the name "Hurricane", but something was wrong. There were no people crowding around the entrance, and none of the carts were moving. As the kids approached, the sign declaring "OUT OF ORDER" became more apparent. "Sorry, kids," Enna said, "looks like you'll have to decide on something else to ride." A worker then appeared from under the tracks of the coaster, and climbed up to inspect the ride's console. Jaimee rushed up, without passing the gate, and addressed the man. "Hey, mister! Is the ride gunna be fixed soon?" The worker looked at the little girl. He wasn't very tall and somewhat pale. If he wasn't in uniform, he wouldn't have looked like a worker at all. "Uh... Sorry, kids. The motor that slows the carts down is broken." He pointed to wheels in a line on the last section of track. They looked worn out, and there was some smoke coming from underneath them. The man looked apologetically at the crowd of middle schoolers, then, noting the number of them, spoke again. "Although... We've got something here that's twice as good as this bucket of bolts." The man came down from the platform and prepared his offer. "Would you kids like to play a game?" "Game?" many of the kids asked, looking confusedly among themselves. "What kind of game?" Enna asked the man. "A game about a giant fighting robot. A mass clad in armor as dark as the night, with unparalleled strength and limitless potential! Made to fend off fifteen enemies trying to destroy the world, and... YOU all will pilot it!" The kids' confusion turned into excitement. Jaimee was the first to shout out how she'd love to play such a game, and how she'd kick everyone else's ass. "Great," the worker said, "I'll lead you to the booth. But first..." the man went around to the back of the coaster, and came back with a stand of some sort. It was black and thin as a stick until the top where it opened into a shield-shaped panel. "Place your hand on the panel, and it'll register you as one of the pilots." Enna giggled quietly and whispered to the employee. "Don't you think that's getting [i]too[/i] into it?" For a moment, the man's demeanor went grave, but he smiled at the girl and said, "Don't laugh. It's embarrassing, but it's important I take this serious." The man told the kids to line up, and place their hand on the panel one by one. To say their name, and they'll be registered as a pilot. Jaimee, the most excited, went first. "Jaimee Lance" "Nathaniel Maddock" "Tom Kraskov" "Kyle Rohdy" "Melanie Ayers" "Jack Ronson" "Ivan West" "Mark Colbyrn" "Isaac Fairmont" "Chelise Taylor" "Kevin Clipse" "Shikegi Shuga" "Zak Ruxemberg" "Christian Brashier" "Tanner Blair..." Tanner stopped his hand half way and stood there for a moment. "What's wrong?" Enna asked. "I just have a bad feeling about this," he said. Kegi came up from behind him and grabbed his arm, pushing his hand onto the panel. Tanner was halfway to socking him in the face, but he knew Kegi would probably beat him up anyways. So, he settled for the usual, calling Kegi an a******. Kegi ignored him and turned to the group. "Is that everyone?" He asked, looking over the seventh graders to see if anyone was missed. Then, Jaimee spoke up. "What about Enna?" The group turned to their sixteen year old chaperone. "Me?" "Why not? It'll be fun!" Ivan said, and everyone agreed, but Enna just shook her head. "There's only fifteen pilots," she pointed out, "If I play, one of you won't be able to." "Hey," Isaac called the man, "Can she join as an extra?" The man thought to himself for a moment, then answered that it'd be fine. He wished them all good luck, and- [hr] The kids woke one by one on the ground outside the fair, at first disoriented. It was already dark, and the fair was closing. They were quick to get their bearings. Enna was the last to wake. She slowly lifted herself off the floor and tried to make sense of the situation. "Is everyone alright?" she called. Inside, she was scared, but she tried not to panic. The kids' answers were mumbled and mixed together, but she didn't catch wind of any issues. She counted heads, just to be sure. Enna pulled out her phone to check the time. It was only eight thirty, but the busses left at the scheduled time, half an hour ago. She cursed under her breath. The school wasn't that far; the kids would be fine, but she was sure to be kicked out of the FEA, if not the school. She tried to call her teacher, then her mom, but both times there was no signal. She turned to the kids and sigh. "Alright guys, we're gunna hafta head off on foot." The kids weren't too content with such a decision, but didn't have much other choice. Mark was complaining whole time, until Kegi told him to shut up. After a few moments of walking in silence, Melanie spoke up. "About what happened back there... With that man..." "Could it be," Christian said, "that it was just a dream?" "We couldn't have all had the same dream," Kegi pointed out. Then, the kids jumped in randomly. "We all fell asleep." "We woke up outside the fair." "Doesnt that seem suspicious?" "But what would the point have been?" "Maybe it was all just a joke." For the next few minutes, the kids tried to make sense of their situation. Many theories came up, but none of them were able to make enough sense of what happened. As the kids talked, Enna continued trying to get a signal on her phone. She tripped, letting go of her phone and almost falling with it. Her phone met the concrete, it's screen cracked and shut off. She cursed out loud, not caring that the kids heard. She bent over to pick it up, but stopped. In the reflection of the phones broken screen, she could see something. She turned her gaze down the street that the phone was facing, and saw it with her own eyes. "Can you guys see that?" The kids turned to face the black behemoth Enna was staring at. A giant robot who's armour matched the night sky was standing in the waters of Lake Michigan. From back there, it was blatantly obvious to them, yet people walked by as if it didn’t exist. Layers and layers of this armor were piled on top of each other, especially near the chest. One arm was thin and sharp, like a blade or needle, while the other was wide and flat like a shield. The kids ran up to the unmoving mecha, and talked excitedly among themselves. "Where the hell did this come from?" "What is it doing here?" "We're gunna be piloting [i]that[/i]?" "It matches the description!" "Is this real?!" "This must be part of the game!" "THEN WHERE'S THE ENEMY?!" Enna's voice was louder and more panicked that the seventh graders. "Enemy?" Melanie asked, speaking for the group. "Yea! Don't you remember? That guy said there'd be fifteen enemies we'd hafta fight!" "Could that be it?" Kyle said, pointing to a figure taking shape many blocks away. A golden glyph slowly fell from the sky as another robot seemed to be scanning into existence above it. As soon as it was ready, the enemy dropped to the ground, causing a tremor. The kids screamed, losing their balance, and- [hr] Suddenly, the sixteen kids were in an all orange room. There were no distinct corners or edges, giving the room a feeling as if it went on forever. In the center of the room was a circle of levitating chairs, one of which was occupied, person the fancy office chair turned to face the children. It was the man from the fair. "Hello children. Welcome to the cockpit." As soon as he spoke, a window appeared in front of him, or at least it appeared that way at first. The hole in the "wall", continually expanding, slowly revealed their environment; they could see 360 degrees around them. They could see the Chicago skyline, the enemy they were expected to defeat, and strangely, their own robot below them. "Are we... Inside the robot?" Kevin asked, hoping for a particular answer. "Yes," the man said, turning back to face the enemy. "I'm here to teach you how to control the robot." The enemy robot was ball shaped, although it had four legs holding it up at the diagonals. At the top of the sphere was what looked like a peg sticking out, presumably it’s head, with a panel on it, reminiscent of a face. The face was purple, had a strange design, and had twelve lights on it. The enemy robot tried to move itself toward them, but seemed to be having trouble. The man grinned, and began explaining. “We seem to have gotten lucky this time,” he said, “The enemy’s ball form hinders his movement in water.” Then, the cockpit began to shake. The robot was moving. "You can move the robot at will," the man said, "If you command it, it will do so if it can." Then, their robot's thin arm stabbed into the ball, penetrating deeply into the armor. "You killed it!" Jack yelled in excitement, but was disappointed when the man indicated otherwise. The enemy's front legs wrapped around the robot's arm, and it dropped its weight on it. It didn't quite break, but now their robot's arm was pinned down. Struggling to focus on explanations, the man continued to speak. "Every enemy has a vital point that you need to destroy in order to win," he explained, "The vital point can be anywhere on the robot's body, and it's not always where you'd think it is. However, it's usually protected by numerous layers of armor." "Then," Chelise spoke up, "this robot's vital point must be in the center." "It can't be," Kegi corrected matter-of-factly, "He just stabbed through the center!" "Then, maybe it's in the head!" Jaimee shouted, excitedly. She was the only one finding this fun. The man glanced at her. "You might be right," he said. With the robot's free arm, the shield shaped one, he stabbed into the top of the robot, where its head is. The head was split in two, but the other robot was still kicking, trying to break the other arm off. "Was I wrong?" Jaimee said, somewhat melancholically. The man didn't say anything, but continued to work. Like a crowbar to wood, the man opened the top of the enemy robot to reveal a small orb surrounded by incredibly thick armor. "Is that it? I [i]was[/i] right!" The very bottom of the shield arm split into three fingerlike appendages. He pulled the vital point from the other robot. "Once you have the vital point in hand... crush it." The three fingers began to squeeze the tiny orb, until finally, it popped. A thick smoke came from the point, but quickly dissipated. There was a faint but definite whirring sound, as if a machine had just been turned off. The enemy's legs fell limp from their arm, though there was no need to bother removing it. Just as Chicago came into view, it left. The cockpit resumed its previous orange tint. The floating chairs slowly fell to the ground. Enna had just about enough of this nonsense. She walked up and turned the chair and the man to face. "What is this?! Wasn't this supposed to be a game from the fair." The man looked at her, shocked, but that soon subsided into guilt. "I'm so-" [hr] The kids suddenly found themselves on the beach. The kids faced the waters; the robots were vanishing like they came. Some of the kids were scared out of there mind, asking themselves what the hell kind of game this is. Others seemed a little excited, hoping their next battle to be soon. Enna did not seem content with any of this. Not just because this 'game' seemed ridiculous, but because she had no idea what she could have dragged the kids into. Enna instinctively reached into her pocket for her cell, but remembered what happened. She asked the kids if they could get a signal. Those with cell phones had nearly full bars...[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yang Xiao-Long Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Hereh's character has a crush on mine xD Good to see how you incorporated what I put in for Christian, Atman :3 Awesome story; I can't wait for more, Atman^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 [quote name='Shizuo Heiwajima' timestamp='1315954459' post='5512947'] Hereh's character has a crush on mine xD Good to see how you incorporated what I put in for Christian, Atman :3 Awesome story; I can't wait for more, Atman^^ [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desu the Blue Nerd Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Great first...zero...chapter man. I'm really looking forward to your future ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bull3tM0nk3y Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Sweetness man! You've got Zak perfectly! And he's in love with some, just like I thought he would in the fic. This is just awesome. I can't wait for more! PLEASE tell me when you have a new part up in PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Hm, not sure that I can write a Divination for this, so I'll just review this plainly. While a large cast is a good thing, establishing it so soon runs the risk of making it hard to tell them apart, and that was the case here. The only characters that I could actually care to remember were Enna, Kegi, Tanner, and the mysterious guy. I'll actually have to reread this so that the characters are suitably easy to differentiate for me. Since I have more free time tomorrow, I'll be able to give you Nate's backstory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 [quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1315962915' post='5513341'] Hm, not sure that I can write a Divination for this, so I'll just review this plainly. While a large cast is a good thing, establishing it so soon runs the risk of making it hard to tell them apart, and that was the case here. The only characters that I could actually care to remember were Enna, Kegi, Tanner, and the mysterious guy. I'll actually have to reread this so that the characters are suitably easy to differentiate for me. Since I have more free time tomorrow, I'll be able to give you Nate's backstory. [/quote] I get it. However, having the huge cast in the beginning is essential to the plot. Don't worry, though. You'll be able to distinguish between them more easily later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Rarity Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOTAL EPICNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bull3tM0nk3y Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 It is cool isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 [quote name='Ātman Seijo' timestamp='1315963651' post='5513369'] I get it. However, having the huge cast in the beginning is essential to the plot. Don't worry, though. You'll be able to distinguish between them more easily later on.[/quote] That was my main concern too, but I believe this. And I don't know if this needs a Divination, it's pretty well written from what I can gather. So yeah, disregarding the huge cast, good start with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTFauKorean Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 pretty entertaining, my character is suppose to more of an a****** though XP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 [b]I have to say, and even though my critiques have gone through the shithole in the past, that this story was very confusing to follow. And I imagined my character a little bit more shy than she was, considering her circumstances. A very creepy and chilling moment at the very end there with every kid getting full reception. And, I've decided not to do a "Heartfelt Review" because one of my characters is in it.[/b] [quote] The kids' confusion turned into excitement. Jaimee was the first to shout out how she'd love to play such a game, and how she'd kick everyone else's ass.[/quote] [b]Well, I knew you said that your story had lots of profanity, and I was reading through, and you lived up to that. However, the narrator should never be swearing in formal writing, especially if all of the other kids are doing so. Even if it is someone's "indirect" quote, like you have here, the narrator shouldn't be swearing. What you are doing is taking away from the narrator's power to tell the story. At least, that's what it felt like to me.[/b] [quote]The two boys stared at Christian, but they weren't the only ones. From the back of the group, Jaimee was checking him out. "Melanie, isn't Christian so cute?" Melanie, the girl with long, blonde hair next to her, looked up from her phone to the boy Jaimee was referring to. "Not really. At least not to me." "You're just jealous because I'm gunna get to him first." Jaimee pointed out. "Hah," her friend replied, "if you want to go out with him, why don't you go ask?" Jaimee suddenly blushed. "What are you crazy? I'd die of embarrassment!"[/quote] [b]The interaction here between Jaimee and Melanie here is a little....out of touch. I don't quite know how to describe it. Sure, it's two girls talking and we all know they are a different species, so maybe that's why the paragraphs didn't seem as powerful as they should have been.[/b] [quote]"Jaimee Lance" "Nathaniel Maddock" "Tom Kraskov" "Kyle Rohdy" "Melanie Ayers" "Jack Ronson" "Ivan West" "Mark Colbyrn" "Isaac Fairmont" "Chelise Taylor" "Kevin Clipse" "Shikegi Shuga" "Zak Ruxemberg" "Christian Brashier" "Tanner Blair..." [/quote] [b]It would have taken up much less paper (provided you wrote this on paper to begin with) if you listed the individual's names with commas. It makes the structure of the story a lot more rigid and a lot more cleaner if done that way, since they are all doing the same actions.[/b] [quote] "THEN WHERE'S THE ENEMY?!" Enna's voice was louder and more panicked [b]than [/b]that [b]of [/b]the seventh graders.[/quote] [b]Oops.[/b] [b]Still, though, I like the idea that you have come up with, Atman. I remember you being so nit-picky about the characters, and I could definitely see why. Although I probably won't be able to get the chance to read it, I'm glad that I was able to pitch in a character idea and see it incorporated into the story. [/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 [quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1316018057' post='5514408'] [b]I have to say, and even though my critiques have gone through the shithole in the past, that this story was very confusing to follow. And I imagined my character a little bit more shy than she was, considering her circumstances. A very creepy and chilling moment at the very end there with every kid getting full reception. And, I've decided not to do a "Heartfelt Review" because one of my characters is in it.[/b] [b]Well, I knew you said that your story had lots of profanity, and I was reading through, and you lived up to that. However, the narrator should never be swearing in formal writing, especially if all of the other kids are doing so. Even if it is someone's "indirect" quote, like you have here, the narrator shouldn't be swearing. What you are doing is taking away from the narrator's power to tell the story. At least, that's what it felt like to me.[/b] [b][color=blue]I didn't know that. It just seemed kinda appropriate. Besides, I don't think I'd be able to find a more "suitable" way of wording "I'll kick your asses" without losing emotion. I'll try to keep the narrator from cursing, though.[/color][/b] [b]The interaction here between Jaimee and Melanie here is a little....out of touch. I don't quite know how to describe it. Sure, it's two girls talking and we all know they are a different species, so maybe that's why the paragraphs didn't seem as powerful as they should have been.[/b] [b][color=blue]Girls. Go figure. I did my best. :3[/color][/b] [b]It would have taken up much less paper (provided you wrote this on paper to begin with) if you listed the individual's names with commas. It makes the structure of the story a lot more rigid and a lot more cleaner if done that way, since they are all doing the same actions.[/b] [b][color=blue]I don't know. I think that this, although admittedly space consuming, is more appropriate. Since each character's is speaking, there should be a new paragraph for each character (like usual).[/color][/b] [b][color=blue]Also, I don't use paper. :3[/color][/b] [b]Oops.[/b] [b][color=blue]*blushes*[/color][/b] [b]Still, though, I like the idea that you have come up with, Atman. I remember you being so nit-picky about the characters, and I could definitely see why. Although I probably won't be able to get the chance to read it, I'm glad that I was able to pitch in a character idea and see it incorporated into the story. [/b] [/quote] Glad you liked it overall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I like this >:3 And not just Kegi is badass Well...maybe that's half of it but it's also well-written, and quite interesting. Far from perfect (as most things in the world), but good enough to capture my attention :3 good job~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 [quote name='Darklink401' timestamp='1316188523' post='5518423'] I like this >:3 And not just Kegi is badass Well...maybe that's half of it but it's also well-written, and quite interesting. Far from perfect (as most things in the world), but good enough to capture my attention :3 good job~ [/quote] [s]I AM THE NEW TRIO OF DEF![/s] [s]THE HEXADECITET OF DAFRBMHCDRDPQSTW[/s] Glad you like it. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 [quote name='Ātman Seijo' timestamp='1316204807' post='5518846'] I AM THE NEW TRIO OF DEF! [/quote] Even crossed out, I couldn't ignore it. Not even close. That's being optimistic. You've got a long way to go before you reach that stage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 I can't say whether that's the case for the story or not (too early and shizz), but Atman's writing seems the same as mine (as far as I can tell). So basically, Atman, I have faith in you =P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 [quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1316270070' post='5520342'] Even crossed out, I couldn't ignore it. Not even close. That's being optimistic. You've got a long way to go before you reach that stage. [/quote] No shiz, Sherlock. I was joking. [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1316270417' post='5520346'] I can't say whether that's the case for the story or not (too early and shizz), but Atman's writing seems the same as mine (as far as I can tell). So basically, Atman, I have faith in you =P [/quote] I don't think my story will get as popular as yours, but *toasting wine* here's hoping. *drink* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 [quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1316270070' post='5520342'] Even crossed out, I couldn't ignore it. Not even close. That's being optimistic. You've got a long way to go before you reach that stage. [/quote] ...I could make a Special Olympics/YCM analogy here, but in the spirit of good taste I'll refrain. My concerns are pretty much the same as Roxas'. You're under no obligation to file-dump all the characters at us at once: in fact, deviating from the canon system would make it more interesting. Also, I at the same time commend and warn you for making a Bokurano fic. It's a rarely-done topic, and for good reason. You're gonna have to be a really good writer in order to deliver the same emotional punch the original did every episode, so I wish you luck and nothing more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 From what I know of Bokurano, it's an incredibly grim story, so that also poses the challenge of making the story graphic enough while remaining appropriate enough for this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Totally not feeling the pressure. Chapter 1 is halfway ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bull3tM0nk3y Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 When's Chapter 1 going to be out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted September 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Maybe by the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desu the Blue Nerd Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 [color=#0000cd]Well you know us, you're new adoring fans, will be waiting anxiously for the new chapter. [/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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