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Yankeefan (C-2's) Pokemon Fan-Fic: Chapter Six Posted!

Yankee

By Yankee
in Creative Writing

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I'm going to try to make this as positive as I can; it needs a lot of work.

 

You don't really use enough description to make it an enjoyable read. Sure, the story's cool, but it feels really repetitive and lacks detail. For example, you could try something like this:

 

Shane sat up.  He wasn't sure exactly what time it was, but it felt later than usual.  After a night like that, it was only expected that he sleep that long.  He took a moment to stretch and stepped out of bed.  He could hear his mother vaccuming downstairs, and it annoyed him a bit as he still had that tired feeling.

Well, he was up.  Might as well get ready.  He dragged himself to the bathroom and turned on the shower.  He stepped in and the cold feeling of the water woke him up instantly.  He shivered for a moment then continued like normal.  A few minutes later, he made his way to his room and got dressed.

Ready to leave, Shane reached for his Poke'ball.  It wasn't where he had left it.  He moved his hand across the bedside table, but with no luck.  Panic struck him for a second, but he got it together and bolted down the stairs.

"Mom!  Where is it?  Where's my--!"  He paused.  The mysterious Ghost Poke'mon, Gastly, that he had accidentally caught last night was floating in the air next to his mother.  He laughed as he realized Gastly was helping his mother do the morning cleaning.  The small - yet in some ways intimidating - creature was using its abilities to make the bottles of cleaner float in the air next to his mother, thus making it much easier to grab them when she needed them.

"Oh, morning hon.  You slept a lot later than usual.  I needed some help with the cleaning, and Gastly seemed willing to help, so I figured--"

"That's okay, Mom."  He smiled and she returned a smile of her own.  "But, uh, do you mind if I take Gastly with me?  I'm gonna go hang out with my friends for the day."

"Sure sweety, just be careful."  His Mom gave him a warm, motherly smile.

With that he grabbed the Poke'ball off the counter and shouted "Gastly, return!".  The Poke'mon was soon hit with a thin red beam and retracted into the Poke'ball.  He dashed out the door, ready to explore the world around him.

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Yankee

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[align=center][spoiler=A Victory In Shade] Shane entered the contest hall. There was a good sized crowd in attendance, but there where a lot of empty seats.

 

“Entering First, Shane Dawson!”

 

There where a few claps, but not really anything noticeable

 

Shane felt embarrassed, he had never battled before, and now he was in a contest.

 

“And his opponent, James!”

 

A young man with a red hat came out. Shane began to feel scared; he didn’t know what to do.

 

“Both competitors please step into the arena!”

 

Both of them stepped in, and then the lights flashed on. There where TV cameras all over the place, and everybody in the crowd was watching.

 

“Commence Battle…now!”

 

Before Shane could react, James threw out a Pokeball

 

“Go! Sandshrew!”

 

Out of the ball came an orange and yellow Pokemon.

 

“Uhm..Go Gastly!”

 

Shane threw the Pokeball, and out came Gastly.

 

The Pokemon stared at each other intently.

 

“What’s this? I don’t believe I have heard of a Gastly before. No matter, Sandshrew, Fury Swipes!”

 

The Sandshrew rushed toward Gastly, and went to scratch it, but, its hand went right through Gastly. Sandshrew tried again and again to no avail to attack it.

 

“Gastly, use Confuse Ray!”

 

The Gastly whirled around Sandshrew until it finally made eye contact. Then Gastly stared into Sandshrew’s eye for a minute, and then floated away. Sandshrew began to stagger.

 

“Sandshrew, what’s wrong? Attack! Use Poison Sting!”

Sandshrew tried, but it could not keep it’s balance, and fell over, unable to attack.

 

“Gastly, go! Use Lick!”

 

Gastly stuck out it’s tongue and licked Sandshrew, which fell backwards again from the lick.

 

“Come on Sandshrew, Sand Tomb!”

 

Sandshrew managed to keep it’s balance, and it put all four legs on the ground. The ground beneath Gastly began to rise. It caught Gastly, and hit it.

 

“Gastly, no! Are you ok!?”

 

The Gastly floated out of the rocks, seemingly ok, but obviously hurt a little.

 

“Gastly, come on! Lick, one more time!”

 

Gastly again licked the Sandshrew. This time however, the Sandshrew had taken too much, and fell over.

 

“Winner! Shane!”

 

Shane was excited, he had just beaten a Pokemon! Even Gastly looked happy.

 

Shane walked back into the Contest Entrance hall. Luna ran up to him and gave him a hug

“See? I knew you could do it!”

 

“Yea, thanks!” Shane said happily

 

“So, now it’s my turn!”

 

“Good luck Luna” Shane cheered

 

“Thanks” Luna said as she walked out to the stage.

 

“Ok folks! It’s time for our second battle!

 

Entering first, Luna!”

 

The crowd cheered, knowing who she was

 

“Entering second, Adam!”

 

A few claps for Adam, nobody knowing who he was

“Commence Battle…Now!”

 

“Go, Glacion!” yelled Luna

 

Out of the ball came the blue cat.

 

“Go Onix!” said Adam

 

Out of the ball came a giant snake, apparently made of rocks.

 

Shane, seeing this was worried for Luna, how could something so small like Glacion even hope to beat a giant Pokemon like that?

 

“Ha, this should be easy” Adam joked

 

Onix, Tackle!”

 

The giant snake rushed toward Glacion

 

“How boring. Oh well. Glacion, dodge and use Ice Beam!”

 

The Glacion did exactly that. It evaded the Onix tackle, and then let out a beam of cold blue ice toward Onix. Onix was hit, and just like the Graveler before, was turned into a giant block of ice.

 

“Winner! Luna!”

 

The crowd cheered in excitement

 

Luna walked back to the entrance, and Shane caught her

 

“Guess you didn’t need any luck did ya?”

 

“Guess not, ha. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, right?”

 

After some more battles, it was round 2

 

“Entering first, Shane!”

 

Before Shane got outside, Luna gave him a hug,

“Good luck Shane, you’re in round two, lets see how you do”

 

Shane smiled, and walked into the arena to some applause.

 

“Entering second! Sarah!”

 

A young girl came in with a rather confident look

 

“Commence Battle…Now!”

 

“Go, Gastly!”

 

Gastly flew out of the Pokeball with a big flash of light behind him.

 

“Go Kadabra!”

 

A Purple and Gold Pokemon came out, it looked like a human with a long tail. It was holding two spoons, one in each hand.

 

“Gastly, Lick!” Gastly like before went toward the opponent and tried to lick it

 

“Kadabra, Teleport!”

 

Kadabra disappeared in a flash of light, and re-appeared behind Gastly.

 

“Kadabra, Disable!”

 

Kadabra looked at Gastly, and seemingly nothing happened.

 

“Gastly, it’s close, Lick!”

 

Gastly tried to open it’s mouth for the attack, but it coulden’t!

 

“Gastly, come on!” Shane yelled

 

“Kadabra! Ice Punch!”

 

Kadbra’s hand became covered in ice, and Kadabra punched Gastly with it’s new icy fist

 

“No! Gastly!”

 

Gastly floated around in pain for a bit, and then got it self ready to fight again.

 

“Gastly, come on, Confuse Ray!”

 

Gastly looked in Kadabra’s eyes.

 

“Ha, you still won’t learn!

 

Kadabra, Teleport again!”

 

Kadabra again teleported behind Gastly

 

“Again, Ice Punch!”

 

Again, Gastly is his with a cold punch, this time, Gastly could barley keep it self-afloat.

 

“Ha, one more of those, and your Gastly is out!

While I’m at it! Kedabra, disable!”

 

Again, seemingly nothing happened, but Shane and Gastly knew better

 

Shane was worried, he didn’t know any other attacks, and he didn’t know what to do.

 

The, he remembered when he was training with Luna, how Gastly made the doll tear apart.

“What was that attack?”

 

“Kadabra, Ice Punch one more time!”

 

Kadabra went in for the final punch

 

As it was about to make contact Shane remembered the attack

 

“Gastly, Night Shade!”

 

Gastly’s eyes turned black, and then, so too did the stage

 

Then, just as suddenly, the stage was bright again.

 

When people’s eyes settled again, they saw an amazing sight!

 

There, Kadabra was on the ground, apparently knocked out, and Gastly, floating above him.

 

“Unbelieveable! Your winner is Shane!”

 

The crowd cheered in amazing excitement

 

Shane went into the hall, and Luna gave him another hug

 

“You did it! Your in the semi-finals!”

 

“Thanks, you helped me a lot, I would not have won if not for you telling me about Night Shade”

 

“Oh, it’s no problem, I’m glad to help” Luna said with a little blush

 

“Well, it’s my turn, wish me luck!” Luna said

 

“Ok, hope you win” Shane replied

[/align]

 

Sorry if this is not quite as good, I'm trying to save evergy to make a great 4th chapter. I'd like to think this one is good though. It's basicly the whole tourny.

So, uhm, hope you like it, I tried...:P

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