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Umbra

By Umbra
in Creative Writing

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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I will say that I liked the new Chapter 1 significantly better than the old one. Description, narration, flow and the sheer quality of writing have increased expotentially. I guess a year and a half of practice can do wonders for one's writing ability, even one that was already on an impressive level to begin with. Including the end of the duel was a very welcome addition.

 

As far as the previews are concerned, I do not mind either way. Since this is a re-write, I don't think they'll really add much for us who have read LotT before. My only answer can be: if you would like to do them, go ahead. But they're far from essential anyway, and if they might detract from the value of the actual chapter, I suggest you skip them.

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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Alright, I did not expect four chapters in a row to be previewed... that isn't quite what I thought we were talking about. One chapter at a time should be fine, honestly, reading previews for upcoming chapters beside the next one kinda ruins the mood the previews create for me. On the flipside, those previews do sound extremely promising, but still.

 

Still, don't let them stall you from writing the actual chapter >_>.

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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I'm just showing you where I'm taking the series, and what I plan to do with the plot. Besides, the previews don't really reveal much. As an example, Susannah's duel. The outcome is uncertain; in the original, I had the main characters lose duels all the time. The point is, Susannah may very well lose.

 

And trust me, I have other things that stall me from writing the actual chapter. Like, sleep.

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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This was a good chapter, though were there a few errors. I skimmed over the old version, but Alex was hardly mentioned. Who was he again?

 

However, my biggest question is this: Did Susannah just switch from Jonah's cousin to apparent love interest? I demand to see how you handle Abigail.

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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Alex was Abbi's and Richard's cousin in the original, and if everything goes according to my plans, he will still be. Richard may be cut due to lack of interest, though. (Point out errors in PM, please.)

 

And yes, I've decided to rearrange the families a bit - another reason to change the name. The Mardens and the Moraes have no direct connection. Consider Jonah's relationship to Susannah a crush, for now.

 

Abigail will appear and be much more relevant to the plot now. (In previous version, she was pretty much: "Oh hai guise, thx for res, i am ultra mega chicken" and then the volume ended, which I could've handled better personally.)

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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That's harsh =/ give them some time.

 

Anyway, I'm here, as always. I'm liking what I see. The deviations from the original story become more apparent, though the core remains the same. Keeps us on our toes. One thing I might complain about is that the TWEESTS are coming a little too early. Seems just a tad rushed compared to the original, though the increase in quality is obvious. I'm not sure whether it comes naturally (as you're rewriting something you already have down) or it is intentional because you want to speed things up or fit in more content, but I think taking it a little slower wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

Otherwise, everything is great. Characterization is beautiful as always, and description is smooth without becoming redundant. Only thing I'd say here is to spice the 'visions' up a little - they seem kinda 'everyday', for lack of a better word. If you choose to associate the narration more closely to the POV character, I'm sure it'd improve the dramatic-ness (or whatever) of those scenes quite a bit.

 

Eagerly awaiting more. Can't wait to see Suzie in action again.

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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That's harsh =/ give them some time.

 

At least it worked' date=' right? :)

 

Anyway, I'm here, as always. I'm liking what I see. The deviations from the original story become more apparent, though the core remains the same. Keeps us on our toes. One thing I might complain about is that the TWEESTS are coming a little too early. Seems just a tad rushed compared to the original, though the increase in quality is obvious. I'm not sure whether it comes naturally (as you're rewriting something you already have down) or it is intentional because you want to speed things up or fit in more content, but I think taking it a little slower wouldn't be a bad idea.

The main reason why I'm "rushing" it, as I've noticed myself, is that there are a lot of new elements introduced thanks to the Antithesis and the literal recreation of the LoT universe. As in the original version, the first few chapters will introduce the recurring characters - this is where I chose to get to the actual plot before Chapter Seven or so this time around.

 

Otherwise' date=' everything is great. Characterization is beautiful as always, and description is smooth without becoming redundant. Only thing I'd say here is to spice the 'visions' up a little - they seem kinda 'everyday', for lack of a better word. If you choose to associate the narration more closely to the POV character, I'm sure it'd improve the dramatic-ness (or whatever) of those scenes quite a bit.

[/quote']

I see what you mean, as the introductory visions with Khennan are meant to be exactly that: Lost memories of his discussion with his ancestor. I can promise a new vision in Chapter Three that will have lots of more drama.

 

Eagerly awaiting more. Can't wait to see Suzie in action again.

 

She would hate you for saying that, you know? (I'm just surprised anyone but me remembers that.) :D

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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At least it worked' date=' right? :)[/quote']

 

I'd have commented anyway =/. I just had to read it more thoroughly.

 

The main reason why I'm "rushing" it' date=' as I've noticed myself, is that there are a lot of new elements introduced thanks to the Antithesis and the literal recreation of the LoT universe. As in the original version, the first few chapters will introduce the recurring characters - this is where I chose to get to the actual plot before Chapter Seven or so this time around.[/quote']

 

I see. That's natural, but spending a little more time on character development and interaction instead of pure plot progression won't hurt, I think.

 

I see what you mean' date=' as the introductory visions with Khennan are meant to be exactly that: Lost memories of his discussion with his ancestor. I can promise a new vision in Chapter Three that will have lots of more drama.

[/quote']

 

That's great - I can't wait to see that.

 

She would hate you for saying that' date=' you know? (I'm just surprised anyone but me remembers that.) :D

[/quote']

 

Ah, but the interactions between Jonah and Suzy were always some of my favorite parts early on, and even later during the story.

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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Added a banner to the first post and my signature. If you readers feel like supporting, add the following to your signature:


[center][url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-132453.html][img=http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/6562/lot.png][/url][/center]
[url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-132453.html][img=http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/6562/lot.png]

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