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[Guest Ixigo]

There isn't much to say here. I'm thoroughly enjoying the broader focus and the more surreal feel this has taken. It's obvious that much more attention is paid to detail, and every single aspect of the story is improved.

 

I've only noticed a couple of spelling errors throughout the chapter. Other than that, I have no qualms with anything else - everything is smoothly tied together, and spacing out the duels while paying more attention to the plot is working very well for you.

 

Epic. I'm just too anxious for Suzy's duel.

[Umbra]

Spelling errors? That's kinda odd, since Spellcheck isn't picking up anything.

 

And as a word of warning: The duel itself might not have too much emphasis on it, as I'm still in Plot Exposition Phase.

[Guest Ixigo]

Hmm, I'm sure I had found something. Can't find it after a fast reread, but I'll try to locate it. Anyway, I found this instead: "The very force of the bolt tore his torso from his legs, and slammed it into the pavement thirty feet later." Later doesn't fit here.

 

And ah well, I'm sure that it'll be good. It's just an introductory duel after all, so I don't expect anything spectacular.

[Umbra]

That was something I realized mid-writing, but I couldn't find a better way of saying it. The torso is supposed to hit the ground thirty feet ahead.

[Guest Ixigo]

I'd probably go for 'away' then.

[Umbra]

Ah, sometimes even the simplest things escape our mind. Correction made.

 

EDIT: Oh, and I realized something coming up in Chapter Five that might amuse you, considering the characters and all.

 

Also, I am taking character applications. If you believe you have a character ready to participate in my Fanfic, send in a form that you consider appropriate in a PM to me, and I'll consider it. You will be given confirmation if your character is accepted, else, no.

[Guest Ixigo]

It probably doesn't need to be asked, but we don't need to resubmit characters we submitted in the original, right? Since they're already in the story and all...

[Umbra]

You're right about that. The original cast, more or less, will be kept. New characters will be in, as seen, and only a few will be removed and replaced.

[RyanAtlus]

I haven't read the original version, and I'm too lazy to read it, so I'll read this thing as you rewrite it.

 

I like what I've seen so far, even tough it's really surrealistic. At least it's better than mine...

[Umbra]

Chapter Four is finally up.

[Phantom Roxas]

Very good chapter. The duel was inconsistent at some points, but I managed to understand what you were trying to say.

 

Earthy was obviously the Fortune Lady.

[Guest Ixigo]

This chapter was met with mixed feelings on my part. I must admit I did not quite like how an Industrial Illusions worker that already had a set profile fixed for him in the last chapter jumped to the puppet of an evil spirit (you know what I mean). Sure, surprises like that are good, but... let's just say that you do need some everyday, normal people around. So far the story has a lot of tension and an extremely fast pace, which are kind of deteriorating the overall image. I expected some slack in this chapter's plot development, to be honest. Also, 'Earthy'? =/

 

Putting that aside though, I was quite satisfied with the rest. Jonah's part was good, except a strange part in the middle where the format sort of breaks.

 

late anyway. At least not to watch a

sillygamesillygame

duel in the middle of the streets, even with the guards and police to keep the crowd out of control. Jonah had seen a few riots

 

I don't really know why you did this, or how it happened.

 

The duel itself was quite well-written, though since it was so fast it didn't have the time to suck us in and lacked a satisfactory amount of twists. However, it still managed to be excitable and dramatic, if kind of amusing that a girl who had half her hand shot off and multiple other injuries could still stay standing and duel. But since it all appeared to be some sort of alternate world thing, I can let it pass.

 

Also, Jormungandr was quite epic.

 

Overall, I can't say I'm disappointed, but I'd certainly note that it would've been much better if you stuck a few pieces of 'normality' in-between all this chaos.

[Deucalion]

Has someone been reading too much of the Dark Tower, Umbra? =P

 

Because everytime something like

(this 19)

happens, I get that strange feeling you have.

[Yankee]

Sorry I'm late. Good FF, you already know I like it, lol

Chap. 4 is good too, always fun when you lose fingers in a card game. Takes Paper Cut to a whole new meaning XD

[Umbra]

Ixigo: I fully understand and agree. Changes to Chapter Five will be made. And the reason she could still stand was because of her Life Points: think of this little change of environment as the Dark World from GX.

 

Deucalion, there's no such thing as reading too much of The Dark Tower. :D I admit that I borrowed that trick from (the) King; it's more or less a thought that is emphazised.

 

Some bad news, however: My computer is being a mess for various non-internet related reasons, so I can't access what I have written for Chapter Five. I'll solve it eventually, but don't expect updates any time soon.

[Deucalion]

I liked every single part of the Dark Tower except the ending. The meeting with the Crimson King felt rushed and silly, the whole "Susannah and Jake and Eddie lived happily ever after" thing was pandering to the audience, and the actual ending with Roland seemed like a "oh god I have such a complicated plot I can't think of how to end it, oh, hey, I know, it's all just a recurring circular dream that is part of fate yay!". That said, if you ignore the last few chapters of book 7, it's one of the greatest series ever written, so I suppose that's forgiveable.

 

Although I'm getting off topic now so I'll just stop.

[Umbra]

Shh, I haven't got that far yet. Only up to and including The Wolves of Calla.

 

Either way, in accordance with that I've said before, the current Chapter Five has now been split into two. Previews will be adjusted shortly.