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Getting something off my chest


Thar

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Alright. I've been really down recently and it is really tearing my life apart. So here it goes (brace yourself. it's long):

[spoiler=Story Time]
Let's start at ground zero. This was WAY back in my elementary days; 5th grade, to be exact (so around 10 years ago.) I was a totally different person back then. I wasn't afraid of girls. I was that one crazy kid that everyone seemed to notice and sometimes even make fun of. But it was back then when I had my first true crush. Yes I know, blah blah I love this girl she's so beautiful I fancy her skin blah, but no this is how it all began. I fell in love with this girl, but all I could get in return was an awkward stare. So then I tried taking the leap of faith to get into the FRIEND ZONE (yes, that's how desperate I was) to get me one step closer to her heart. We were good friends, her and I, and we even started holding hands. But then the day came where the word slipped out, which was heard by the girl herself standing right next to me. At the time I became the school joke, was blocked in the hallways almost everyday and pointed at during class while the teacher was away. That was the year before I moved to Minnesota.

It was good to get away from all that, but the nightmare still lingered. With luck, though, I started making friends right away. If only it were that simple today. Anyway, that was the year when I was diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome. I started to fear girls a lot more than I used to and avoided being an attention whore for them. However, it was the year that I started acting, where all the hot girls set out for during high school. I was soon being chased by girls, but that ended as soon as freshman year started. I was considered mentally disabled, so I spent most of my time in a room called the ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) room, I call it "Room 115", to do my homework and stuff. I spent two years in that category spending time with only a handful of friends, but sophomore year changed all that. One of my friends had a sleepover one night, where I met his brother who was a trombone player. Later that year, we had history together, and he introduced me to a bunch of other people during lunch. It wasn't until a year later when the wolf pack became official when I joined marching band.

This was the year that changed my life forever. We were good friends before, but this made it worth every minute. When I first started playing (I played the tuba) I could barely keep that 40 pound piece of silver up without having to slouch. But after several weeks of practice and training, it was like putting a cherry on a sundae. Once we started going into competitions, I met even more people a year younger than me. These people I felt comfortable being a total goof around, which made me happy. Anyway, I enjoyed the following days and dreaded those awful nights of rehearsal in the parking lots (I hated that parking lot) and a crabby director. But it all surpassed when we started traveling. Fast forwarding to next year. Senior year was the best year imo. It was the year where I had my first girlfriend, but as time passed, I broke up with her a month later due to lack of confidence. That's not even the worst part.

...

[spoiler=the ugly truth]
It was over Facebook
[/spoiler]

...

Probably one of the worst mistakes I have ever made in my life. It took over a year for her to only understand the situation let alone forgive me. But I already did it and there was nothing I could do to make it up to her. But the story doesn't end there. For the remainder of the year I started acting like a douche-bag. Everything that my ex did, which was naturally crazy, embarrassed me. Everything my friends said I took seriously. I started becoming skeptical of what path I went down, which was the path of a nerd that plays DnD, LARPs, and plays MTG. I enjoyed that life, but then as tension rose, I thought I'd lose that wolf pack forever. So as I gathered my wits and apologized for my behavior, they started to trust me again and all was well.

But here is the part that I can never get over:

Towards the end of the school year, during the last semester, one of my friends, who's obese but awesome, made a club on deviantart based on roleplaying. She and I were very good friends, she even shared her secret about her love for another one of the friends, but with that trust in mind there was a club that she created. However, that club was not complete for a mod was missing. So I volunteered for the job, saying that I can learn from this experience, but as much as I tried to prove myself, she did not accept me because I lacked experience. That's when I started getting frustrated with her. For the next few weeks I tried to reason with her on why I should have the position: I had the world all planned out, I had the list of spells, I even had several characters made. But then she responded with the words that made me change my view on her forever:

"drop it. final warning"

Final warning, she said? That's what went through my mind. She is my best friend. What was she gonna do? Block me? Whatever. I was pretty mad, and since it was my final warning, I decided that since getting it was impossible now, I'll just try to piss her off further see how she likes it. So off I went on an ALL CAPS FLAME MESSAGE ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A B*TCH SHE WAS AND HOW SHE TREATED ME LIKE DIRT etc etc yeah I was kinda furious. I could not think straight, but I did know that once I pressed "send", I paused and thought... "what did I just send to my best friend??" So now I'm panicking, shakingly waiting for a response to the wretched query, and sure enough, I receive a counter-hate message... from both of them, but the person that co-modded the group wrote what I read as the most heart-ripping thing I have ever read about me. Basically, it caught me off guard, saying how what I have written on my profile page made her think of me as a total bastard from the start. Who knew? I certainly didn't, but it struck me so hard in all directions I couldn't move.

So now a few days passed since then and my friend is refusing to talk to me. This is still many months ago, but the look she gives me when she looks at me was stomach sinking. So after a while I gathered the guts to apologize personally, but even then she refused to accept such a cliche remark. So I gave her a few months to cool down by request, which was the longest 30 days of my life. Not even her bromates, aka my friends, could help with the situation. It was dreadful, and by the time a month or so passed I lost my patience. So I sent her a 3 page heart-written message about how sorry I am and how much of a loser I acted like. I looked at it as a very promising message, so I sent it. But now my soul ripped even deeper when I read her reply:

"too late. you ruined it. sucks for you"

Not even capitalized. It screamed hasty writing as if she just saw that the message was from me and didn't even bother to read it. She wasn't even mad at me by the looks of it before, so I thought she cooled off. But no, apparently I ruined it for good. Now I was just digging my nails into my face to rip my face off. I would have actually done it too if I hadn't had enough pain searing through me already. It was that day that I lost touch with nearly everybody I knew, which rose the troll in me. Left and right every chance I had I insulted every inch of her just to see if she hurt as much as I did, but as openings quickly started closing, my hope grew dimmer. Now I was seeing the light as if I were dying, and I saw no future for me. So as I packed for North Carolina, I looked back in tears as every regrettable moment I have ever had in my life came crashing down on me all at once.

Now I'm living down here along the coast, bored, jobless due to a sh*tty economy and horrible management, friendless, and seemed to have little to no interest in anything except coming online to this forum and socializing with people I've never even met in person. Now I'm tying myself down to watch streaming episodes of animes and trying not to miss a single episode of Family Guy. It was when my dad came in and made a comment on how I spend too much time on the computer that I remembered everything I did in my life that I regret doing. It was then when I asked myself "why must life be so complicated? why do we exist? what's the point of doing all this crap when we're all just gonna die anyway?"

And so here I am sharing this story with y'all after I decided to stay up an extra few hours because of my insomnia.
[/spoiler]

Hope you took the time to read it and offer your 2 cents.

But furthermore, discuss things that you have regretted doing in your past life. How do you deal with it? What helps you get by?

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[s]cool story, bro[/s] Ignore that. I took the time to read it all, and all I can really say is that I hope things get better.

Sometimes I regret the times as a young child that I used my politician's tounge, at the time me being unaware I had it, to get out of trouble, sometimes leaving a friend to take the fall.

I'm not going to say something cheesy, like, "Everything happens for a reason," but what is done is done, and the only thing to do is look towards the future and do your best to learn from your mistakes and do better as life goes on.

And that's my 2 cents.

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Sucks about what happened in 5th Grade, because the funny thing is...it was completly normal to like a girl, and really you can still do all those things and not be defined as a "nerd", I mean as long as you don't replace your friends with them. I've learned over time that friends, no matter how they are, whetehr they're the annoying douche or the one everyone likes, are still your friends eg: one of mine pisses me off alot of the time, but then you do get those moments where it's just like "haha [email="[email protected]%$"][email protected]%$[/email] it" As for the girl that won't forgive you, if she doesn't after you apolagized so many times then she's not a real friend, don't know what else really to say, just got try to meet people again, or find a connection somewhere and branch out through that.

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I've always found it rather fortunate that I am overly paranoid about how the contents of my rants are ever interpreted, and saying things I'll regret, so I tend to write innumerable drafts of any snarky or angry rant to the point where I can't be bothered sending them at all most of the time, because I'm not satisfied with my message.

That said, it's unfortunate that you were unable to do the same, and that it beat the hell out of you in retaliation.

What you need is an outlet for activity beyond sitting at your computer all day, although I'd be a hypocrite if I even tried to say that unironically.

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Well I read it and let me tell you, its sad. I really do hope the best for you. Also you kind of got me thinking about my life and i really do have many regrets.
Holy kind of said what I wanted to say so the only thing I can add is just keep moving forward. That's the only thing that has gotten me past those regretful moments.

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You sent the message. You f***ed up. Regardless of how much you had planned out, when she said she wanted someone experienced to do it you should've just dropped it. All the previous stuff before that? Yeah, it sucks. But that last part was completely your fault. So yeah, sucks to be you huh?

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i think if you're having trouble with self confidence, take up hobbies like sports or regular gymming. improved self image might help with your confidence issues and sports clubs or gyms will give you more oppurtinities to meet people. speaking out of personal experience.

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I wouldn't get too flustered about it. You said you have Aspergers's Syndrome, in which case such behavior isn't all that out of the ordinary. My best friend has the same thing. But I can honestly say that the people from your story are extremely retarded. "Final warning" coming from a peer would make we want to hit them.


And you don't need experience to be a mod. It's freaking DeviantArt. Bunch of elitist nerds.

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[quote name='Larxene' timestamp='1320742535' post='5625907']
You sent the message. You f***ed up. Regardless of how much you had planned out, when she said she wanted someone experienced to do it you should've just dropped it. All the previous stuff before that? Yeah, it sucks. But that last part was completely your fault. So yeah, [b]sucks to be you huh[/b]?
[/quote]

>8(

I am aware of my mistake, thank you.

...you remind me of her, and thinking of her makes me want to punch a b*tch. If she would have just accepted my apology, which did not follow up from anything else for the past month, it wouldn't be so mind scarring. I was not thinking straight for it was late, I was tired, and she was pissing me off with words of ignorance and dictatorship. So yes, I f*cked up, but it was like being drunk, just for that few seconds.

@Everyone else: Thanks for the help. I appreciate it.

But there is some good news. I managed to take the time to write a long and sincere apology to everyone involved, and they all responded with they're perspective on the situation, some gained-back respect, and advice for the future. It was so relieving, but I will never get over the fact that I cannot apologize to Emily (that is her name) let alone reach her.

So yeah. I'm surprised by all the comments. I didn't expect sympathy (especially from Larxene), but I'm glad y'all took the time to read it. :)

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You my friend are luckier than me. Love is tough for me. I'm usually too shy to say what I feel, and I'm one of the most outgoing people in my Grade. Besides, it wasn't like that for me. I was diagnosed at 6 years old after punching my teacher in a fit of rage. I was sent to a SLC-B school. I've been to many schools, which friendship was difficult to keep, especially when I was teased from the second half of 5th to the first half of 7th grade. Yet, I somehow beat the odds and was elected to my school's Student Council during 7th grade. Things did change, but I still struggled. You took your hit hard. I hope you can beat the odds.

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[quote name='Mr. Striker' timestamp='1320765250' post='5626084']
You my friend are luckier than me. Love is tough for me. I'm usually too shy to say what I feel, and I'm one of the most outgoing people in my Grade. Besides, it wasn't like that for me. I was diagnosed at 6 years old after punching my teacher in a fit of rage. I was sent to a SLC-B school. I've been to many schools, which friendship was difficult to keep, especially when I was teased from the second half of 5th to the first half of 7th grade. Yet, I somehow beat the odds and was elected to my school's Student Council during 7th grade. Things did change, but I still struggled. You took your hit hard. I hope you can beat the odds.
[/quote]

Well there was some parts left out. Like the time where I punched a girl in the stomach in Kindergarten, kicked my old first grade teacher in the stomach, bit my best friends' arms, threw a hat at my 6th grade teacher, and pushed my middle school counselor to the floor.

But yeah, as much as I try to get over it, something always makes me think of it again.

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I really don't want to make it seem like nothing happened

But you really are going to have to wait a while before she bothers to read anything. Try being friendly no matter how much you get put down AND NEVER LOSE YOUR TEMPER because Lord knows she's had enough of that ;p

So play it like you guys are friends, and once she starts to actually listen/debate about what you did, take advantage and try to be as sorry as possible

Because you did act pretty douche

So be as truly sincere about it as possible

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[quote name='Remo S. Valentine' timestamp='1320786624' post='5626646']
I really don't want to make it seem like nothing happened

But you really are going to have to wait a while before she bothers to read anything. Try being friendly no matter how much you get put down AND NEVER LOSE YOUR TEMPER because Lord knows she's had enough of that ;p

So play it like you guys are friends, and once she starts to actually listen/debate about what you did, take advantage and try to be as sorry as possible

Because you did act pretty douche

So be as truly sincere about it as possible
[/quote]

It's way too late for that now. As much as I tried to reason with her, she still put the hammer on me.


[quote name='Tentacruel' timestamp='1320778166' post='5626385']
Well my friend, if this Emily person is really stuck up enough to be mad about something so trivial, then she's a b**** and it doesn't matter anyway.
[/quote]

The thing is, though, she wasn't a b*tch the whole time. But when she started making sexual comments on the banana she had every lunch, that's what made me shudder. But whether she is a b*tch or not, I can't get over how I treated her because that is not like me at all. I may have gained the respect back from my other friends, but I really lost hope for her.

But I'm just saying: this is really affecting my moral because I need moral to look for jobs and focus on school cause I'm failing a class right now, and if I fail that class, I can't take the other classes unless I take it again and pass. My hopes are to get a good grade on the research paper and the next test and raise it to at least a "C", then the final will be the true test.

But I need a job, and if I can't do that, then I need some friends, which is almost impossible with my lack of confidence.

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Apparently it didn't post

What you need is patience

II know it sounds cliche but time is all that's left for you

If that doesn't work than most likely nothing will

[quote name='I-dreezyAFG' timestamp='1320787987' post='5626814']
I regret nothing in my life so far. even though I have done horrible things.
[/quote]
Either you are godly or have no idea the consequences of what people will think of you or the group you normally surround yourself with

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Well it seems your in a pretty deep situation. But Remo pretty much summed up what I was going to say. It'll take some time until you win her trust back, maybe you won't. The thing is you can't beat yourself down for this. If she won't forgive you for what you did then now, maybe there's nothing left you can do. If she really matter that much though, keep trying. Think for a moment if you can live without her.

My only regret in life so far is how innocent I was when I was a few years younger. My friends and I would discuss a topic that I knew nothing about or introduced me to something new and I would question it. I always acted like a smart*ss back then.

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[quote name='Brothar' timestamp='1320767332' post='5626123']
Well there was some parts left out. Like the time where I punched a girl in the stomach in Kindergarten, kicked my old first grade teacher in the stomach, bit my best friends' arms, threw a hat at my 6th grade teacher, and pushed my middle school counselor to the floor.

But yeah, as much as I try to get over it, something always makes me think of it again.
[/quote]

Never mind then. You had more struggles than I do. But, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

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[quote name='Brothar' timestamp='1320767332' post='5626123']
Well there was some parts left out. Like the time where I punched a girl in the stomach in Kindergarten, kicked my old first grade teacher in the stomach, bit my best friends' arms, threw a hat at my 6th grade teacher, and pushed my middle school counselor to the floor.

But yeah, as much as I try to get over it, something always makes me think of it again.
[/quote]
don't push it out of your mind

Remember


Constantly remember what you felt like and how you feel like after the fact

And the next time, try to remember what it feels like and the consequences. Try tying these feelings to an object of importance you carry with you or a motto you'll remember

And watch constant anime, especially Dragon Ball Z. To get in the Goku mood of infinte confidence and perseverance

It actually helped me in times...and I [i]know[/i] how fishy [i]that[/i] sounds

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Well, just got one last email from them.

[quote]
[color=#000000]
Well Matt, [/color][color=#000000]
It looks like being civil will not work anymore. I sent send my other email as a message as parting words to someone that was once a friend. So without further wasting time, here we go.[/color]
[color=#000000]
Ok Matt, I was originally a neutral party, but now i am not. I am sick and tired of having my close friends feelings hurt and her being stressed because you will not leave her alone despite the fact that she has told you time and time again. You should get the point already, she does not want you in her life anymore, she will not be forgiving you, and you need to get over it. You may want to respond to this email, but I will be deleting the account. This is my standing on the issue. I stand by me statements. [/color][color=#000000]
Zachary ****[/color]
[color=#000000]
"I NEVER want to hear from you again, so how about you quit stalking me (because I know you're doing it) and get over yourself a bit. Sometimes life teaches you hard lessons, like how being a complete and utter bastard to people chases them away. You have NO excuse for acting as you did, as much as you would like to try to convince yourself otherwise. I'm done being nice. I'm done being civil. Stay the f*ck away from me."[/color]
[color=#000000]
Emily ********[/color][color=#000000]
[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/quote][/font][/color]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][size="3"][color="#000000"]I guess what's done is done. The stalking part was an exaggeration, of course. I was only trying to reach her to tell her my true feelings that were not slander.[/color][/size][/font]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][size="3"][color="#000000"]But I will try not to let it get to me despite it's straight-forward message. Crying cleanses the soul, but time heals the wounds. =/[/color][/size][/font]

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