, wait for it... HEART BREAKERS! [Episode 14 - Don't be so Cold Hearted]

[Catterjune]

tl;dr - For every writer:

When you get feedback that you disagree with, instead of saying: "No, you read it incorrectly." You should instead say: "I wrote it incorrectly." Bonus points if you actually then go back and revise it based on the feedback you got.

I like how I posted this before DL even responded.

[DL]

"Regardless....while the review was meh, I DO see where my story was flawed." 


Also, I said he read too much into the small stuff, not misread ;P

[The Warden]

Isn't it my job as a critic to read into everything?

[DL]

Isn't it my job as a critic to read into everything?

Ive reviewed things. Reading into things can be good if its relevant..if it isn't...idk, the comedy just doesn't go through as well. 

You CAN but it just comes off as nit-picky, and the author can get annoyed. xD

[Jake the Sage]

You CAN but it just comes off as nit-picky, and the author can get annoyed. xD

 

DL you mistake Broken for a few things

1. An actual reviewer
2. Someone who gives a d*mn

The point of this is for Broken to just rip into your story and make fun of it while on occasion point out something honestly wrong with it. Other than that, he's just going to make fun of it.

[Mugendramon]

DL you mistake Broken for a few things

1. An actual reviewer
2. Someone who gives a d*mn

The point of this is for Broken to just rip into your story and make fun of it while on occasion point out something honestly wrong with it. Other than that, he's just going to make fun of it.

 

While this has some accuracy you're also throwing in a good dose of personal bias in this:

 

The mid-story comments he makes are comedy and are occasionally bland, but he's mostly right on things he points out.

 

However in his final analysis he comments on the actual problems with as much serious as an australian asshole can muster.

[Jake the Sage]

The mid-story comments he makes are comedy and are occasionally bland, but he's mostly right on things he points out.

 

However in his final analysis he comments on the actual problems with as much serious as an australian ass hole can muster.

 

I never denied that he doesn't point out what's wrong with the story or what it isn't legit. In fact since he did the review or mine I've strained myself to keep certain the story was being written in one tense.

 

However, you can't deny that the thing Broken prefers to do more often than not is just make fun of the stories whenever he can make a joke, funny or not. That was kind of the point I wanted to get across.

 

But this is all moot, as I already said, Broken isn't:

 

Someone who gives a d*mn

[R.Surraco]

The point of this is for Broken to just rip into your story and make fun of it while on occasion point out something honestly wrong with it. Other than that, he's just going to make fun of it.

 

And he does that last part well. I had to notice he was being too superficial in his reading when he kept insisting on the wrong origin of the word Saratoga while using it to criticize me. As an avid Cracked.com reader, I'm accustomed to it and I had to know he was doing it mainly for the lulz.

[Desu the Blue Nerd]

It was also the rules

 

And I have said in multiple occasions I see the flaws, and I know it could have been a lot better

 

And if not I said it now

 

But I think overall, it wasn't bad.

 

Opinions differ though, so yeah. To each his own ;P

I also aint saying its amazing.

 

Bro, I'm your bud, right? You and me? Spiritual connection and all that lame ass jazz that totally exists in our mute bromance? Yeah, it was sorta bad. There were things I'd say you did well but as a whole the story is bad.

 

It seems like a better idea that when you have a severe limit to the amount that you can do to not go into excessive detail about irrelevant things, be redundant, or have unnecessary moments like the guy taking his shirt off just to throw it at some girl's face and then...uhh...put it back on I guess maybe just to take it off again later? That's stuff that could have been replaced with proper build up or a more satisfying end. And yeah, the end was absolute sh*t. I have no clue how Broken resisted digging into it only to comment on poor word choice (P.S. murdered is not only more suitable but also shorter than assassination). Getting somebody else to properly proof read this work before releasing it really could have helped a lot.

 

Oh, and Chris killed Laura. That's what you wrote. That's what it says. Or at least that's how I interpreted it the first fifty times I read that scene. Either you got their names mixed up or everything about that scene was awfully written because why else would Chris' arms move forward? I went the rest of the story thinking Chris randomly broke down (it explains the random baseball bat and name change, right?) causing Jack to a little bit less randomly break down because neither of their actions from then on make much sense. No wait, drugs. NEVERMIND THEN! No wait, Jack was the one with a cig full of paint chips and bath salts. Chris is a natural psychopath whether or not he had killed her.

Ive reviewed things. Reading into things can be good if its relevant..if it isn't...idk, the comedy just doesn't go through as well. 

You CAN but it just comes off as nit-picky, and the author can get annoyed. xD

 

*LE GASP* Oh no, NOT the author's feelings. All the critics of the world are truly just the worst of people for pointing out even the apparently smll mistakes in a person's creations. Oh, may they repent and god have mercy on their souls or else they'll burn in the mighty flames of hell~! Someone catch me. I feel quite lightheaded now.

 

Don't worry, I'll admit this isn't one of his funnier reviews and he seemed to miss out on a lot he could have pointed out (I thought you couldn't tolerate tense swapping, Broken?)  but it really doesn't make the reviewed work any better (your need to point that out every other post just makes you seem butthurt about it). Unless, of course, you wanted to make a joke like, "Your review was so bad that you make something Thar write look good. Hurr hurr durr." That joke would actually make anything look better in comparison. Hurr hurr durr.

[Catterjune]

I don't know why this story is still being discussed when he's made it abundantly clear he's not gonna fix his story. He won't even take the 10 seconds on Word and CTRL+H to fix Chris/Daniel and he's known about it for 4 days now.

Oh, and Chris killed Laura. That's what you wrote. That's what it says. Or at least that's how I interpreted it the first fifty times I read that scene. Either you got their names mixed up or everything about that scene was awfully written because why else would Chris' arms move forward?

From how I interpreted it after my fifty-first readthrough, Jack was angry and drugged out because Laura and Chris/Daniel were still making out. He walks over and pushes Laura with a sudden force. In a vain attempt to save her, Chris/Daniel reaches out to try and catch her before she falls. He does not succeed.

It's a shittly written scene, but it pretty much has to be vague and shittly otherwise the plot twist doesn't work.

tl;dr - Communicating badly and then acting smug when you're misunderstood is not cleverness.

Also, I said he read too much into the small stuff, not misread ;P

I didn't say you thought he misread it. I said your shitty "everyone's reading my story wrong" attitude is a bad attitude for any writer to have. Instead of focusing on how someone misread your story or how they focused on the wrong thing, think about how you can portray your vision better.

[DL]

I don't know why this story is still being discussed when he's made it abundantly clear he's not gonna fix his story. He won't even take the 10 seconds on Word and CTRL+H to fix Chris/Daniel and he's known about it for 4 days now.

From how I interpreted it after my fifty-first readthrough, Jack was angry and drugged out because Laura and Chris/Daniel were still making out. He walks over and pushes Laura with a sudden force. In a vain attempt to save her, Chris/Daniel reaches out to try and catch her before she falls. He does not succeed.

It's a shittly written scene, but it pretty much has to be vague and shittly otherwise the plot twist doesn't work.

tl;dr - Communicating badly and then acting smug when you're misunderstood is not cleverness.


I didn't say you thought he misread it. I said your shitty "everyone's reading my story wrong" attitude is a bad attitude for any writer to have. Instead of focusing on how someone misread your story or how they focused on the wrong thing, think about how you can portray your vision better.

Oooh ok :3 I get it (though in retrospect it was rather easy to get)
 

I COULD fix Daniel to Chris...well actually, since while I ain't rewriting the story, at least that and the shirt being removed twice are actual typos, I might as well =P

 

 

I guess since I hadn't written in a while, I kinda still had the idea that my writing WAS as nice as it was before. What I didn't take into account are that

 

1. I didn't practice writing horror since...ever (not including the Horror story contest here that I won somehow)

 

2. It's ok to have a nice image of your story, but it's even nicer to be opened up to all the things wrong with it

 

 

As reluctant as I was to not defend my story, it has to be said that actually, yeah, its downsides are all my doings.

 

 

Needless to say I'll work harder in the future

 

And again, thank yall for the criticism, and Broken for the review (because all in all, it did sum up quite a few of the different mistakes)
 

[ZeRainbowDash]

Jeez... is it too much trouble to take time? I have respect for reviewers. Pika has helped me out a lot with my own fic, and I owe him for it. Maybe taking the time to thank these people for what they do undee no obligation, they do it o help you, and just making excuses for your f*ckups isn't going to earn you brownie points. Just throwing 2 cents in from the peanut gallery.

[R.Surraco]

Well, I took my time to think on all this and I decided I need to fix a lot of things. With "a lot". I mean one that makes the whole story fall. Maybe retaking the original concept, albeit a bit changed, will be good.

[The Warden]

I would like to announce that I am officially shutting down HEART BREAKERS! Rinne, lock this at your leisure

[Toffee.]

I would like to announce that I am officially shutting down HEART BREAKERS! Rinne, lock this at your leisure

Real quick; Any reason why?

[The Warden]

I... feel better now. More so than I have felt for a very long time

[R.Surraco]

That means you won't close it down? Good, because it's really a good feature that we shouldn't lose. You're actually good, albeit a bit of a joker for the sake of joke sometimes.

[Mugendramon]

No he said he IS closing it down BECAUSE he feels better.

[R.Surraco]

No he said he IS closing it down BECAUSE he feels better.

 

Oh... okay...

[The Warden]

Tick tock goes the clock, but the review must go on. (For those already reading, refresh so you can get the full formatted version. Stupid YCM and it's formatting glitches.)

[spoiler=Episode 14: Don’t be so Cold Hearted]
Thought you got rid of me, didn’t ya? Thought I wouldn’t be back? Well to be honest I just wanted a bit of time away from my hateful feelings, but as it turns out they decided to come with. Bit of a blow to me but there you go. So, I’m back, doing my job the only way I know how: With immense cruelty. So, for my first review of what I will now call my Second Season, I’m going to be aiming high and low simultaneously, by starting with the “critically acclaimed” Yu-Gi-Oh Armageddon, the sequel. Which is ironic since if there was an armageddon, how does one even get a sequel? What’s that? Oh, it’s a prequel, well, that’s fine then. It doesn’t even require me to read the first one.

Oh yes, before I start, I would like to add a new feature, which is a theme song to aptly describe the fic I’m reviewing. And Matt? I got a very special one for you.

Let’s begin…


Chapter 1: The Orphans

It was raining. In the bitter December air, each hammering droplet stung against her cheeks. Still she stood there though, frozen in place in the darkness and the rain, unable to move as she stared at the splintered front door hanging off its hinges in front of her. The smashed windows. The wisps of smoke billowing through the shards into the chill outside. She knew, deep in her stilled heart, what the inside awaiting her would be like. The destruction. The ruin. The remains of her home; broken and shattered.

Well… that’s quite the happy start innit? Anything else you want to throw our way? Maybe a murdered father? Or a beloved aunt torn apart by wolves? I mean really, you’re being WAY to happy right now.

Though you could have at least explain where the house was, as I’m drawing a pretty large blank on where this wispy eyed strumpet is standing.

Steeling herself; she went inside, but still choked at the scene she was already expecting.

Damn keggers.

The place had been ransacked completely. Everything had been smashed as the intruders searched high and low for what they were after, and the rest simply because they could. Picking through the wreckage towards the splintered remains of the kitchen table, she stopped as one item caught her eye. A framed photograph from a few years ago; battered and cracked, but largely undamaged. She picked it up and shook the shards of broken glass away. There was the strapping, commanding figure of a man with a broad grin and wavy white hair, handsome and proud as ever. His arm was round the shoulders of his wife, smiling up at her. Her lovely pale skin, her long light blue hair flowing down the length of her back, and her piercing blue eyes - almost hypnotic as she stared hopelessly back at her happy face. In her arms was a small baby; peacefully asleep. And finally, by her side, waving and smiling for the camera, was a smaller girl who even then looked almost identical to her mother. The younger version of herself. A tear fell, and splashed against the photo.

She had to tear herself out of her trance and put the photo down. That family, that time, was gone now. It was shattered, just like the frame. But unlike the frame, it could never be restored.

Score one for dead family guess. Now I wonder if my prediction about the baby daddy crisis will be resolved.

The girl quietly moved upstairs where the carnage continued, perhaps even intensified, and tried to hope against hopelessness. Hope that something had to be here. Something had to have survived. It just had to. Please let it be here, unharmed. She passed her parents room; it had been completely destroyed by the invaders ruthless search, and into her own. It likewise had been ransacked, not one personal or private possession had been left sacred. She knew what they had been looking for, but they wouldn’t find it. She kept those items on her always. Her disk had been found and taken, but she expected that and it didn’t matter much. Nothing mattered, as long as one thing at least survived.

I noticed through these paragraphs that you’re very fond of fluffy language. Which is funny since what you’ve been saying across, err, *checks*, five paragaphs, you could have literally said in two. Length doesn’t build quality, jus saiyan.

And, mercy beyond all mercy as the faintest, tiniest whimpering snivels reached her alerted senses, it had.

I’m pretty sure the raiders weren’t exactly driven by mercy, but sure, let’s go with that.

She burst into the last bedroom; this one had mercifully escaped the raider’s interest for the most part. Her sudden entry caused a sudden muffled gasp came from under the bed, the hider trying to recover silence and regain the position they’d already given away to the returning aggressors, but ducking down she could clearly seem him. A just turned six year old boy with a mess of similarly pale aqua hair to those in the family photo, clutching a rabbit doll and crying quietly to himself. Trying not to scare him too much, she tapped him on the shoulder.

As someone who deeply loves scaring people, I will tell you that tapping people who are deeply focused or scared s**tless typically don’t like being touched.

“It’s me Mel. I’m here.”

Woooooow, his parents REALLY wanted him to get bullied didn’t they? Why didn’t they just call him Melody for extra measure?

The boy yelped at first, but once realising who it was he recovered, although couldn’t calm down. He continued to huddle into a trembling ball under the bed and clutch at the doll, still too scared to come out. But he reached out for her as well, forcing her to crawl under to him. The boy held and squeezed her tightly as she joined him under the refuge of his bed, desperate for the safety of her presence, burying his face into her shoulder as tears streamed down it.

Huh, tall bed.

“Erin? Where are mom and dad? What happened to our house?”

Well you see dear Mel, your house got caught up in a twister that dropped you in a world of colour, far and away from our crappy black and white world. The reason I was gone for so long was because I had gotten sucked down the drain during my bath and ended up in this magical place. And not long after that I became their queen. Your parents are at my castle right now, but they asked me to find you specifically so we can give you your own dragon.

Really?

Pfft no. They’re freaking dead kid.

“I... I don’t know...” Erin couldn’t bring herself to tell Mel what she knew full well had happened, not yet. “But we can’t stay here, it isn’t safe. Please come out and get dressed quickly, and wait here for me to come back. If you hear anything scary, hide again straight away.”

Just saying, he’ll know full well once he literally leaves the safety of his room. All you’re really doing is delaying the inevitable.

Mel gulped and nodded, wiping away the tears on his pyjamas, and she helped pull him out. He ducked back down though and reached under again, coming out with a treasured possession he’d hidden with him; a recent and last birthday present from their father. He stared at the small pack of cards for a second, perhaps hoping for some miraculous answer to come from within and make everything right again, before scuttling off to get into warmer clothes.

Hello, my name is Yugi Moto, you killed my father; prepare to duel.

Erin left him to dress himself and returned to her room to look for any remains they might need. There wasn’t much. As she moved her upturned dresser to search through what was left, her eyes caught something in the gloom. Her little jewellery had mostly gone, but on the floor in front of her was a necklace they had missed, glistening in the little light.

So if it was glittering how did they miss it? They clearly spent a good long time on this raid so missing something like that feels a little farfetched. But then if these Raiders were a part of Sceptre Scourge’s group then I’d understand their ineptitude.

Her mother had handed this down to her recently. She picked it up and cradled it, the silver chain with a single teardrop shaped opal on it, and glanced at the mirror in front of her. In her reflection, in her own ghostly pale face, flowing aqua hair, and welling glistening eyes, her mother’s face stared sadly back. Swallowing, Erin slowly put the necklace on herself, the opal gem dangled cold against her breast. It still being here, it must have been fate. This was the last reminder of her parents; she would never let it go.

This may be a small complaint, but why wasn’t she wearing it all the time? For that matter, where the hell had she even been anyways? It wasn’t even explained how this teary eyed tart just came back randomly one day to find her house trashed. What, did she go to get some milk and eggs two towns over because she thinks the milk in this district tastes funny?

Then, grabbing her bag, she returned to Mel, and holding his trembling hand tightly, they made their way downstairs, took a last haunting look and a deep breath, before pulling up their hoods and stepping out into the chill and the rain, leaving the ruined remains of their home and lives together.

Do you realize that was all one sentence right? You used a total of seven commas versus one period. In fact, I am beginning to notice that your number of commas greatly exceeds your number of periods. I know you enjoy waffling on about things your average reader seriously won’t give a crap about, but lighten up would ya?

...

Two years later...

Well, at least you announced the timeskip. Most fics I critiqued barely even connected the adjoining scenes.

Erin blinked as the first rays of sunlight touched her face. Another night had gone by, and still the memories of that terrible night of her parent’s loss invaded her dreams. Groaning as she stretched and forced herself up, she had long gotten used to them now, at least in terms of accepting they’d never stop anyway, and looked over the edge of her bunk at the figure below. Her little brother Melanc was still peacefully asleep; he must have had a much better night than she had. She smiled as she watched him, before dropping down and getting dressed and ready for another day.

PFFFT! Melanc? Seriously? I take it back, the parents had zero sympathy for this kid.

Erin was sixteen now, and thus was of legal - and by legal meaning, unless you were a noble child, compulsory - working age, but she was at least working for her continued keep here at their home. Melanc would turn eight in a few weeks, but he would still have plenty of chores once he was done with his classes for today. Erin pulled on her uniform; a standard white shirt and blue jeans, finished with hard work shoes, did her hair and little makeup, and studied herself critically. These clothes would likely soon not fit her if her body; now tall and slim and, in her opinion modestly attractive, grew and changed anymore than it already had, as she approached the last stages of change from child to full womanhood. Uncomfortable and irritated, she finished dressing and drew the curtains, fully letting in the light to wake up her brother and allowing her to look out upon the city beyond the grounds of their refuge; the hovels and shacks across the cobbled street, the bigger houses just peeking over their roofs as the land rose up into the city, and rising up in the distance at the heart of it, dominating the scene, the royal palace, where the Emperor responsible sat on his black throne. This was the capital of the mighty Empire, the great city Senn’enki no Toride, and this was their life in the Orphanage of Saint Alexis.

Oh my god! I am so f**king bored! But then, at least you described more than just the building that was currently the center of the story this time.

On further reflection, you seem very confused as to what you are writing about. “Noble child, compulsory”. Care to explain that? And I use the word care here because you clearly didn’t when you wrote the line.

The orphanage was small and poor, and home to around twenty children of various ages, all either orphans of the Great War between the two major nations three years ago, or of the ‘Duelist Purge’ a year later, like the siblings were.

…Duelist? Purge? Seriously? That’s the conflict that sets up the pwotagonist? Is Paradox the Emperor of this insane empire?

Ever since the Empire had won the war and taken over most of the land they knew, the Emperor’s rule had become steadily more iron-fisted and oppressive. His first peacetime decree had been to make the actions of anything related to duel-monsters - a game where two duelists could summon the spirits of powerful creatures through card vessels - a criminal offence, punishable by execution.

Why? Why would that be a thing? Is the guy just mad because he loses all the time? I mean, what is the reason?

The Emperor had used duelists and these creatures as soldiers in the war, but he feared their power could spark a revolution against him, thus all threats had been hunted down and eliminated.

Seriously? Fear of revolution? Umm, not for nothing Mister Emperor, but if you kill all your little soldiers, WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO DEFEND YOUR EMPIRE?! When you win a war, you don’t push all the soldiers of the winning army off a cliff; because that’s stupid. Most people can barely muster up the attention and energy to revolt, and they only do it when you’re really oppressing them.

But I guess the choice was SO hard, wasn’t it? On one hand you can be a nicer ruler, and on the other hand you can murder your army. Oh decisions DECISIONS.

Staring at the palace looming over her, Erin knew this was true, as she touched the place where her necklace dangling inside her shirt. Because this was why they were here. It was why she was going to start working on breakfast for the younger children, and why she was the only family Mel had left...

So, no aunts or uncles or estranged relatives? No wise grandparents that will hone their skills so they may single-handedly defeat the empire and bring order to the force? Or hell, even friends of the family? No? Well, had to ask didn’t I? It’s not as if I was expecting reason in this fic or anything.

There was a thud, causing her to blink and shake her fists. So lost in thought, she’d punched the windowsill without realising. A second, louder thud signalled Melanc had fallen out of bed.

Well, thank god it was a windowsill. One time I was so deep in thought that I punched a girl scout when she offered to sell me wilderness cookies.

“Ugh, sis...” he whined, rubbing his eyes. “It’s still early.”

“Yes, but early is when I have to start, and if you were good you’d help your big sister.”

*In a deep valley girl accent* I mean, it’s not as if you’re like seven or anything and still a complete invalid. Nooo, it’s clearly your fault you are too young to understand the basic concepts like consideration you only get in your teenage years. Why, it is COMPLETELY unforgivable. You get twenty lashes for being young and useless.

She stopped and smiled at Melanc’s groan. It was only a mild tease, but enough to cover up and hide what she was really feeling inside. “Don’t worry, you get yourself ready. I’ll see you downstairs.”

With that and without looking back at her bleary-eyed brother, she quickly left.

Urge to kill, rising. Urge to give a f**k, dwindling.

The kitchen was cramped and poorly equipped, but the cook had got most of the food on the stove cooking already, leaving Erin to set the common room that served for meal times and other activities. The orphanage was run by nuns from the local church. They were tasked with homing, educating, and caring for these children as part of their mission.

Fascinating, the Emperor put all those kids into the orphanage, but doesn’t donate? Does anyone donate? I mean, capital city. Surely there is some generous philanthropist out there. Oh wait, the Emperor had them all killed in his brilliant plan of murdering his army didn’t he? Which begs the question as to where the malefic hell did the fortune of Erin’s family go? If the house was as big as I imagined it, the guy was probably loaded.

As the eldest here now, Erin did what she could to help out, although she distanced herself from the education side. She knew the nuns meant well and were just acting as they had to, at least she hoped they were, but she refused to teach these kids the warped propaganda of the Empire as it was now, and to her relief the nuns preferred that anyway. Slowly the ragtag bunch of children, Melanc included, trickled in and Erin helped served the porridge bought out by the cook. It couldn’t be the most nourishing stuff, evident by how small and underdeveloped most of the kids were for their ages, but what could the nuns do but their best with what they had to work with?

Umm, find a sponsor?

Something that would soon be made abundantly clear.

As Erin and one of the sisters started to clear away and the children began to file out for their early lessons, a group of them went to the window, and suddenly broke into a panicky whisper. One of the kids broke away and ran up to the senior sister. She gasped as the boy grabbed her and shakily said “It’s the guard miss. Gaius is coming!”

The warning didn’t do much for them, as the sound of the front doors being barged open was followed by the quickly stifled squeaks and cries from the children already exited into the corridor beyond. Erin frowned as the soldiers thoughtlessly shoved their way through, knocking down any of the small kids disrespectful enough, or in truth just unable to get out their way fast enough, and into the common hall. The first two were clad in basic steel chainmail armour over their blood burgundy robes, armed with broadswords, and the Empire’s insignia emblazoned on their round shields; just standard foot soldiers. Path cleared they stood to attention either side of the door and saluted. The children in the corridor fell silent, and the sound of heavy footsteps slowly came through as their leader entered. Thump... Thump... Thump. The heavy, militant, foot to the throat like steps that heralded the arrival of the guard Erin hated the most of them all, entering and standing smugly over her and the sister now. Gaius.

I thought he killed off his army, or were there actual warriors and not just crazy people waving cards around? You didn’t make it particularly clear you see so forgive my confusion.

The general had at least a good foot in height over Erin and more over the elderly sister trying not to meet his dark eyes anyway. But his broadness, enhanced by his armour of polished bronze plate that fitted his powerful frame perfectly, made him a real mountain of a figure, real intimidating. He didn’t wear a helmet on civic duties, thus revealing his sharp face, with his finely styled short goatee covering his thick jaw, and his cropped spiked black hair. A scar ran diagonally across his face; between and just missing the eye and running over his nose and the side of his snide mouth.

Do you want to know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker, and my wife loved to gamble.

Over his back, hidden by a fine red cape, a mighty two handed great sword was slung, and attached to the left gauntlet was a heavy rectangular shield, again quality bronze and inscribed with the royal emblem. Gaius ignored Erin’s glaring, focusing on the haggard old woman cowering before him.

“Sister, please forgive me for intruding on your honourable duties.” He spoke eloquently as someone of noble birth, but given his smarmy tone he obviously couldn’t care less about her forgiveness. “But I come under orders from the Emperor. I am here to collect back-taxes that this orphanage owes to our Excellency. Please be so kind as to go and bring me the necessary payments.” The lady suddenly looked up at the knight in shock.

Wow, and he DIDN’T want people to revolt against him huh? Clearly this Emperor is a paragon of unparalled tact and intellect.

“B-b-b-back-taxes? I... Lord Gaius, I don’t understand” the old lady stuttered. “A... All of our taxes for the month are up to date and paid to the Emperor.”

“I’m afraid that you are not up to date sister. You are short by a good forty silvers” Gaius interrupted smoothly, disdainfully removing some dirt from his gauntlet. The two women baulked at the announcement. Forty silvers was, to an establishment like Saint Alexis’, a huge amount to suddenly lose in taxes. It was the difference between having four days of having food, or not. Gaius was quick to stifle their objections. “The royal accountants have checked your figures, and it seems the shortage was due to non-payment of the new care scheme fund. All households designed for either the care of children or elderly are to pay into a collective, communal fund - two silvers a head - and all the monies raised by the scheme will be put towards communal projects, repairs, and equipment for those contributing facilities. It’s all about all the care-homes supporting each other together. So you see, you really have much to benefit from your enrolment into the scheme, as long as you do your bit towards it. Now, if you could...”

And you didn’t choose to tell them about this new scheme why? Did they miss the weekly town meeting? Or do you just need an incredibly bulls**tty way plot point to pull this guy off as an ass who loves to intimidate old ladies? Matt, please get some new material that WASN’T made in the 50s.

Gaius stood there and waited, smirking. He made it sound all pleasant with that silky lie, but they all knew that the orphanage would never see one coin of that money again. The poor old lady tried to protest, but gave up under his stare, mumbled an apology, and went to shuffle off to try and find the money. That was until Erin grabbed her arm.

“Sister Margaret, we can’t afford this” she begged, trying to ignore the frowning knight. The old woman tried to shake her off, but she clutched her tightly. “This isn’t right. We don’t have the money.”

Stab her *clap clap clap* Stab her *clap clap clap* What? I root for the villains, always, as I have yet to find a hero to invest in.

“Erin, you have to let me go.” Sister Margaret replied slowly and bluntly. Her voice was shaky, her eyes flicked back towards the knight. Erin looked up at him. He shook his head at her, cracking his knuckles and nodding towards his two associates, who made to draw their swords. A couple of children started to cry. As she stood there, desperately trying to stop Sister Margaret giving in to this thieving, exploiting general, she realised she had no choice. She had to give into him. Furious but helpless to do anything, Erin limply let the woman go and hung her head, letting her hobble off. Immediately the tension diffused as if nothing happened, as the two lackeys sheathed their weapons.

Awww, and I thought you guys were evil. What a flipping letdown.

Gaius’ smirk broadened as he looked down on this upset child as though she’d suddenly just become remotely relevant to him. “Good girl. We have to do our duty to the Empire, and pay our just dues.”

“Just? You know we can’t afford this cooked-up tax” she muttered without thinking.

Stab her *clap clap clap* Stab her *clap clap clap*

She could feel the children staring at her as his eyes narrowed again. Still she tried not to falter against him, but he was just so big, so commanding. He had all the power; he could do whatever he wanted to any of them. She felt so small against him. She was terrified of this man. They all were. But she had to try to look like she wasn’t for them. “We have twenty young children here; we need that money to feed and clothe them.”

“You don’t seem to understand” Gaius grinned. “This isn’t just about your one little.... I guess you call this a home. Don’t be so selfish, this is about the whole community. You will get your share back, and more, when it is deemed necessary. If that dilapidated thing you call a roof was to fall in for example, the Empire will have the funds to look after all your children. Don’t worry; this is all worked out by our great Emperor and his clever accountants, I think they know how to run this city better than pretty, airheaded little girls like you.” Erin choked as Gaius grabbed her by the chin, held and examined her, his studious gaze made her skin crawl as she stood weakly paralyzed in his clutches.

“Hey, let her go!”

Or what? I’ll kick you in your shins! Oh no! Run away gentlemen, this seven year old means business.

Erin gulped as they both looked up at the speaker. Melanc had broken ranks from the watching crowd inside the hall and ran up to the armoured brute, and was hammering as high as he could reach up the man’s back. Gaius’ frown deepened, turned savage even, as he looked back down at the little boy and snarled. Sudden terror clutched Erin instead as she realised what he was going to do before it happened, and tried to speak. Tried to warn Mel. Make him go. But Gaius was faster.

“Impudent brat” he swore, and with one powerful butting motion he clubbed Mel away with the back of his shield arm. Mel cried as the shield struck him in the face, forcefully enough to knock him backwards a few feet, before he collapsed on the floor, panting and snivelling. Horror-struck, Erin broke from the knight’s loosened grip and ran around to him, kneeling beside her brother.

WHOOO! Finally something interesting. You know, you had me going by thinking this was just going to be people doing absolutely nothing, but this was a well received surprise let me tell you.

“Bah, peasants like you are no more than useless vermin.” Erin glared back at Gaius, who was towering over them with that disdainful, disgusted look. “You just want to take and take and take; all the resources we have to waste on you. Homing you, feeding you, protecting you. And what does the Emperor get in return for his generosity and love? Nothing but ungrateful wasters, beggars and thieves. I don’t know why we bother with you. We should let you all starve.”

I mean it’s not as if we killed your parents and everyone you love.

And with that, just to put the final authoritative nail in the matter, Gaius took aim and spat in Erin’s face.

I’m liking this guy more and more. Too bad he’s going to lose to this little girl Because The Plot Commands It.

For a few seconds, nobody moved. Erin didn’t move, as the disgusting spit trickled down the side of her face. She didn’t notice it though. She didn’t notice anything. Not the children’s horrified reactions. Not Melanc’s. Not that she was trembling, violently as she was. Not her erratic breathing or heart beating fit to burst. All she was aware of as she knelt there was Gaius, the replaying image of him beating Mel down, and that the long building wave of blind fury inside of her was emphatically spilling over.

Without a word, Erin pulled Mel to his feet, dusted him off, and marched past the stunned audience out of the hall and upstairs, nearly knocking over another sister she didn’t even see, and back up to their room. Kicking the door in she went to her bunk and yanked the mattress down, and started to tear into a small hole she had once sown up. Buried amongst the straw inside was a small white contraption; with a flat blade with several slots across it, and a small panel attached over a wrist guard...

Ooooh, you make me so angry I’ll, I’ll, I’ll challenge you to a children’s card game. That’ll show you.

Back downstairs Gaius simply shrugged and dismissed the stunned looks off his two allies. His focus was now returned to Sister Margaret, who was hobbling her way back into the room.

“Excellent. I’m glad we could sort out this little slip up... amicably.” Gaius made little effort to hide the mocking edge in his voice as the woman approached him with a little purse of silver coins. “Thank you dear sister, your co-operation is appreciated, the model behaviour of a respectable civilian. A shame that is hasn’t yet rubbed off on some of your elder children.” He chuckled to himself as the nun reached his side and presented the money for him to take, the two accomplices quickly followed suit. “But I guess there’s only so much you can do for some wretched creatures...”

Gaius stopped mid-insult as he saw it coming at him. Only the soldier’s instincts got his shield up in time; the bronze plate taking the full brunt of the torrent of icy mist that shot over the shoulder of the old nun and drove into him with force that kept pummelling him, driving him skidding backwards across the hall as Sister Margaret, the other children, and the two other guards dived for cover. As the blast abated he looked, and scowled as Erin returned, head high and staring straight at him, armed with the contraband weapons of a Duel Disk on the arm, and holding a card bearing an image of a monster entombed in ice.

So, card game magic is real huh. Y’know, just out of curiosity, why didn’t Erin just find a card that let’s you draw? A Pot of Greed here and there and you’d be rolling in cash. But I bet the exchange rate is terrible though.

Another thing, as an objective follower of the TCG, I can tell you that the use of banned cards degrades my willing suspension of disbelief.

Gulping, the two other soldiers tried to steel their nerves and advance towards the girl with their swords drawn, but a second blast of icy wind saw them hop and shout, and they quickly retreated again.

“Idiots! Hold your ground! Hold, Your, Ground!” Gaius barked. He was furious clearly, but he collected himself as he turned to Erin with a recomposed smirk. “Well now... isn’t that interesting? Now where would a pretty little slum girl like you get illegal weapons like that from?”

“Does it matter?” Erin shrugged, keeping her gaze firmly on the lead soldier. “Let’s just say we’re not all as useless and air-headed as you believe. All that you need to worry about now is that I’ve got it, and that unless you leave this place and these children alone right now, then I’m going to bury what’s left of you in the ice in the garden. Understand?”

It’s not as if I am a weak malnourished teen who can’t be easily run through with a sword or pegged in the head with a crossbow arrow. Fear me muthaf**ka.

Half the threat was bravado, but not entirely without merit. A lot of things around duel monsters had never been fully understood. Duel Disks had holographic projectors built in, but many believed there was more to things than just a simple hologram.

Holographic, projectors? In what appears to be a medieval setting. Riiiii-iiiiii-iiiii-iiiii-iiiiii-iiiii-iiiii-iiiiii-iiiii-iiiiii-iiiiigh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-t.

Something more... real. The guards did, certainly now, which was why they were keeping their distance while she held this ‘weapon’. The Emperor believed it too. It was why he used duelists as soldiers in the war, and their duel monsters as weapons. It was why, with a campaign of hyperbole and ‘incidents’ showing how duel monsters were a threat to civilization, he drilled into people a state of fear towards the monsters and the once celebrated people who used them.

This makes so little sense to me. If card games are real, then why doesn’t he just use things like Brain Control or Change of Heart? Hell, Change of Heart could crush a revolution in an instant by having the rioters have a literal change of heart. Are there ANY intelligent people in this world?

It was why her parents.... Erin shook her head. She didn’t know what to believe, but there was definitely some ‘other power’ within the small card she held, as evidenced by the force that pushed Gaius back a good ten metres. She’d thought this threat would be enough to get them to go. However...

“Humph, you talk big little girl.” Gaius smirked and rolled his shoulders. Something was starting to worry her. She couldn’t understand why he was reacting like this. After all the misinformation that had been driven into the people over so many years, most people ran a mile when a duelist occasionally showed up, guards included. But he still had that bloody smirk on him. “However, unfortunately for you, an elite general is always prepared for such an eventuality...”

Is he doing what I think he’s doing?

Gaius opened his arm up, and with dreadful horror Erin then realised why he was so confident. As did Mel and the gathering onlookers. On the inside of his shield was a modified Duel Disk of his own.

Clearly not… what?

“But...why? How can you have one?”

“Surprised huh girl?” Gaius laughed.

Damn right she was, given how he’d just touted about how these things were illegal. “What, you thought you could just attack me, a general of the Emperor’s army, with that little bit of magic and get away with it? Well I’ve got some bad news for you. The Emperor’s most trusted and high ranking generals have now been issued with our own D-Disks from those we confiscate, in order to better deal with troublemakers who would commit acts of treason. Troublemakers like you.”

Erin was starting to panic. Any connection to anything related to duel monsters or those who were was seen as treason against the Emperor. And that meant... well, the gesture Gaius was making by looping his hand around his neck and upwards made it clear what that meant. But she had attacked in her anger only because she was certain that he’d be unable to defend himself against the power she held, and that would be enough to get rid of him and his cronies, at least for now. Since when did the guards have duel equipment!? He had it fully armed now, and was motioning for his two aids to get into position ready to pounce or block an escape. His plan was clear; he was going to attack her, aiming to beat or wear her down enough for the others to take her. She glanced at Mel, he was mercifully hidden amongst a group, and he was white as a sheet and had tears in his eyes. Swallowing, she looked at flashing panel on her Disk; indicating her starting life points score and flashing turn randomizer. In blind rage she’d dumped herself into a right mess, now somehow she’d have to haul herself out of it.

“If you wanna pick a fight, you should be prepared for when people fight back.” Gaius smirked as he took his starting five cards, threatening to attack right away with them unless she did the same. “But against the elite general of the guard and with my elite deck? Little girl, you don’t stand a chance!”

So, you guys are dueling this wheenie little hallway, with cards that do magic and real damage, whilst children are around. I don’t know why but to me that sounds incredibly-credibly stupid.
 

“Duel!”

 

“Th... Th-en you should be to!” Erin tried to retort, but there was little conviction in it, as the randomizer gave her the opening privileges, her deck offered her a sixth card. She was unprepared for this. Now that her rage had subsided, the reality of what she’d done was setting in. She had duelled with Mel a bit, in the dead of the night under the covers when they were certain not to be disturbed. Nothing like this. As she glanced at her hand, and the three figures cloaked in various blue and white garbs emblazed with the same crystal symbol somewhere on their person, she had to hope that it, and the deck she had been given so long ago, would be enough to protect them. “I’ll... fight you... with everything, starting with my first turn! I summon Strategist of the Ice Barrier!”

As she placed the card on her Duel Disk, a glistening portal opened before her, through which emerged an elderly man in dark navy robes, grasping an amulet bearing the snowflake symbol of the Ice Barrier clan, and a ceremonial fan.

You linked us the cards, do you honestly need to describe what we can clearly see?

This was a member of The Ice Barrier; the tribe that she not only had used ever since she’d been introduced to Duel Monsters, but also symbolised her-

Symbolised her how? She has shown to be only a kind, caring individual, with a penchant for burning undeniable rage. So how is that likened to an archtype whose express purpose is to lockdown your opponent whilst also using some pretty borked Synchros. Yes, I AM looking at you Trishula. Again, I don’t get it. She hasn’t shown to be cold, or even that good a strategist. HOW do the Ice Barrier symbolize her?

-and now all she had left to protect herself (Lv4, ATK 1600). “Strategist’s effect activates. Once per turn, I can discard an Ice Barrier monster from my hand, in order to draw a new card.” She performed the exchange quickly. “Then I activate the spell card Surface. This summons a low level fish or aqua type monster from my graveyard in defence. I’ll be summoning my discarded Cryomancer of the Ice Barrier.”

A different portal, one to hell opened in the ground, from which a dark skinned shaman armed with a short wand made of ice rose up through and knelt before her. Its defence was a lamentable zero, but that didn’t matter much to him (Lv2, DEF 0). “While Cryomancer is on the field along with another Ice Barrier, no monsters can attack that are rated stronger than level three.” Hopefully that would protect her for a bit. Finally, the images of the backs of two more cards, hidden in identity, appeared behind the two icy men. “I’ll set two cards face down and end my turn.”

“Then it’s my turn” Gaius declared, forcefully drawing for his deck. His smirk broadened. “So already you are on the defensive. How weak. But there is no hiding from, no escaping from the might of the Empire. I’ll smash down your barriers. Summon, Marauding Captain!”

Oh god. See, this is one thing I despise in Yugioh fics. I HATE seeing crappy decks. I loathe their use so f**king much. You wanna know why? Because we have the bleeding anime for that junk. When you have a fic, you have near limitless access to the entirety of Yugioh past and present. Gaius is a god damn general and he’s using a grunt deck. Why not have him use the Noble Knight cards? They’d symbolize him perfectly. Good on the outside, but as shown by Laundsallyn and Medraut that many of them possess an evil inside. Heck, even if you aren’t using Xyz they STILL have a Synchro that goes perfectly, which is Ignoble Knight of High Laundsallyn. The Lady of the Lake would even make for a great subtle reference to the up and coming Camelia. Christ you fail at symbolism.

A veteran, battle-scarred warrior armed with two broadswords landed beside his commander (Lv3, ATK 1200). “When Marauding Captain is summoned normally, I can immediately perform a special summon to call another monster from my hand. Gearfried the Iron Knight.” A taller, broader warrior, covered from head to toe in cursed black armour, joined the captain (Lv4, ATK 1800).

You LINKED the f**king card, you don’t need to explain this crap.

Erin gulped. The captain’s level was low enough to already break through her lock, and then the stronger Gearfried could take her Strategist. But at least she’d survive intact. Gaius however was not yet done.

“Now, I’m going to activate the Equip Spell, Divine Sword Phoenix Blade. This sword increases the attack of a warrior type monster by three hundred. Since Gearfried can’t be equipped with anything lasting, I’ll use it on the Captain.” The weapon exchange didn’t seem to do much (ATK 1500), but Gaius revealed another spell which made Erin gasp, and him chuckle in reply. “Next I activate Shield Crush. This destroys one monster that’s on the field in defence position immediately.”

Oh for god’s sakes.

Erin winced as the helpless Cryomancer was obliterated by a shaft of light that smashed right through its guard. On the charge, Gaius punched towards her with his command. “Gearfried, destroy that old man!” The plated warrior obeyed, charging the Strategist, and Erin lost her composure, shying away from the attack. The old man was flattened by one blow, disappearing in a shatter of snowflake like particles as he hit the floor, and Erin shuddered as the difference in strength was fed back to her in damage (LP 3800). Delighted, Gaius went again.“You’re wide open girl! Marauding Captain attacks you directly!”

“Aah! No, please!” Erin cried out as the veteran leapt at her with swords raised. Of course mercy was not going to be forthcoming. Instinctively she threw her hands up to protect her face as both swords came crashing down, clashed into her D-Disk. Startled and shocked as the impact fed through her from the disk, Erin staggered and fell backwards, shaken by the attack (LP 2300). The children watching gasped in horror, Mel among them was shaking as much as she was. Gaius laughed at her reaction.

So, there is magic that can cause a miniature blizzard, but she doesn‘t even get cut by a huge-ass sword? I feel I should just stop questioning this.

“Pitiable. After all that front with your sneak attack, you don’t like it when it’s coming back your way.”

That is a good point. Gaius is the villain but Erin is being almost as hypocritical.

Erin just sat there panting, numbed by what had happened. She wasn’t hurt by the attack, just shocked. Her first attempt at defence, and it had been ripped through near effortlessly. And she realised, now the battle phase was over, she could have prevented it if she hadn’t panicked! Sensing an opportunity, the guards went to move in. Seeing them move made her quickly stagger back to her feet, and they backed off again. But it was a reminder; any more serious damage... and she’d be vulnerable to them.

“I... Is... Is that all you got for me Gaius?”

Gaius scowled. Perhaps he had actually expected that to be enough to make her give up. “Humph, so you managed to get back up this time. I promise you won’t the next. But for now I place one card of my own face down, and end my turn. Not that you’ll do much in response.”

“W... We’ll see about that. Draw!” Erin stammered. Furious with her failures in the opening rounds, she had to focus on her cards again, and the revival spell she had drawn. 'Calm down, and think about what you’re doing. What you’re going to do. You want any chance at all of getting out of this in one piece, you have to beat him! Now deep breaths, stay calm, think about your move, and do it.’

“I activate the spell card, Premature Burial.

Crap cards and you can’t even follow a simple ban list. How were you even qualified to write a Yugioh fic?

By giving up eight hundred of my life points as payment, I can bring back a monster in my graveyard and equip it with this card. Then I summon Shock Troops of the Ice Barrier.” Another masked warrior in blue robes landed before her, clutching a trident (Lv3, ATK 1500), whilst another hellish portal opened, pulling the Strategist back from the dead.

I’m pretty sure you have to resolve a card before you can Normal Summon a monster, or is this some magical world where card chains don’t exist?

Erin flinched as her life dipped again, but it was worth it (LP 1500). “Now battle. Strategist, attack Marauding Captain.”

“Is that really all the attack you can muster?” Gaius sighed, almost pitying of her weak effort. “All you can do is a measly one hundred damage, and that’s if I even let the attack go through to begin with. However, I’m going to let you and your monsters run right into my trap instead, by activating Mirror Force. When you attack, this powerful trap card destroys all attack position monsters you control.”

Erin gasped as the potentially devastating trap opened in response to Strategist’s movement, and the crowd gasped. If she lost all her monsters a second time... 'No Erin, you can’t afford to let fright overcome you again. You knew this could well happen, now react to it. You can do this.’

“I activate my own trap card, 'Magician's Circle'. When I attack with a spellcaster type monster, this card gives us both the chance to summon another spellcaster from our decks in attack mode.”

“Uh, what’s the point in that?” Gaius sniffed, making no attempt to summon anything. “You know card chains resolve backwards right? Your monster will be summoned before Mirror Force resolves, you’re just going to waste an extra monster.” He was expecting this news to bring more terror to this pathetic urchin. However it was his turn to be surprised, as for the first time she smiled instead.

“I don’t think so. The monster I’m summoning is Dai-Sojo of the Ice Barrier!” A magical man burst forth from the portal; athletic and dark in build, his face obscured by wild white hair and a large bladed hat as he struck a dynamic pose (Lv6, ATK 1600). “And while Dai-Sojo is on the field, all my Ice Barrier monsters are protected from the destruction effects of spell and trap cards by his magic.” Gaius gasped as he realised... “Mirror Force does nothing! Strategist’s attack continues, and destroys Marauding Captain.”

Wow, and he didn’t comment on this girl’s incredible ability to Normal Summon before her card even resolved?

An icy blast smashed into the captain’s chest, blowing it to particles. The general grunted as he took a small amount of damage (LP 3900). “Pretty clever for a little slum girl. But even that monster doesn’t have enough attack to take down Gearfried.”

“Not until I activate this!” Gaius blinked as Erin, her confidence suddenly rising, revealed a spell in her hand. “Now I’ve taken care of your defence, I can safely go ahead with this. The quick-play spell Shrink can be activated during the battle phase, cutting the attack points of your monster in half. Dai-Sojo, attack the weakened Gearfried!” The suddenly downsizing and alarmed iron knight was obliterated by another magical blast, and Gaius’ life took another dip (LP 3200). “Now Shock Troops, attack directly!”

The warrior moved at speed and lunged at Gaius, striking him across the shield. He grunted and lost another bit of ground (LP 1700), emerging from behind his block panting and scowling. Still the assault kept coming. “Now that all my high level monsters have attacked, I’ll activate my other trap, Graceful Revival. This summons the low level Cryomancer back once again, and now he can attack you as well.”

 

Oh, how convenient. A card that would never really see play and is probably outclassed by Limit Reverse.

The other shaman was back, materialising a set of magical ice knives and launching them at Gaius’ head, who snarled as he took evasive action again. The tables were completely reversed now, and so was the mood inside the hall. Each knife thudded into the raised shield, the general lost more ground with every hit, until he was backed against the far wall. The children, suddenly inspired, cheered with every hit, completely ignoring the watching nuns trying desperately to shush them. Little Mel was amongst them, dancing and shouting in glee. The guards were panicking now, unsure whether to assist their senior or to attack Erin. Belatedly they chose the latter, but it was too late. As soon as they made a step towards her, the four warriors of icy brotherhood immediately stood in their way, blocking their path. They were helpless to do anything now. Erin allowed herself a small smile at their dilemma, but quickly refocused. She wasn’t out of the woods yet. Gaius had recovered and was glaring furiously at her, all his haughty, goading air had gone now. He was battered and bent over, exhausted from the constant barrages of icy magic, but he wasn’t quite finished (LP 400). And his dark eyes were so fixed on her; piercing through her. Not with contempt anymore, now with utter hatred. She shivered, now he was really dangerous...

‘I just need one more attack to finish him. But I’ve got nothing left to play to do it, or to protect myself for his turn. The only thing I could do now is use the effect of Shock Troops. By releasing it and another water monster, I could add any Ice Barrier monster of my choice to my hand. I should maintain some hand, and since Strategist is reliant on Premature Burial staying on the field, I should release it. But then... what should I choose? Maybe Dew... no. He has two cards to initiate a reversal, what can he do to get through this field? Dai-Sojo protects me from any field wiping spells, and Cryomancer will stop any strong attacks. I’m safe now, and besides; look at how this field presence is intimidating the guards. I should keep it.’

“I... end my turn.”

Wordlessly, Gaius drew his card, glancing only for a moment at the result before turning back to her. Slowly, horrifying, the ugly grimace turned back into a slight smirk.

“I activate the spell card, Monster Reborn.” Erin scowled at that card’s appearance. Whereas she had to make do with what she could with the limited cards she had, Gaius clearly had access to a pool of the most powerful types. Still, Gearfried was the monster he was bringing back, and there wasn’t much he could do with that now other than stall against her weaker monsters. Unless... Gaius revealed his drawn card. “Then I activate the spell Release Restraint! This card shatters the binds that restrict my iron knight, and allows it to unleash its full power. Gearfried, break free from your armour and show that wretched child the power of your full form!”

A hush overcame everyone as the gaps in Gearfried’s armour started to glow, before the black iron that imprisoned him suddenly exploded, freeing the true warrior within. A powerful warrior with long wild hair, his muscular body almost entirely uncovered, burst forth from the blast, landing with such power that the floor shook. “Behold, Gearfried the Swordmaster!” (Lv7, ATK 2600)

Erin swallowed as Gaius revelled in his ace. She daren’t look at Mel; she couldn’t let him see her fear. Gaius could see it in her though. “I admit you had a good little flurry there girl... But not good enough. I activate the effect of Divine Sword Phoenix Blade from my graveyard. By removing Marauding Captain and Gearfried the Iron Knight from play, I can return it to my hand, in order to re-equip it to my Swordmaster.” The blade materialised in the warriors empty hands, raising its strength accordingly (ATK 2900) as it raised the weapon towards her, pointing at Cryomancer. “Now Gearfried’s effect is triggered. Each time it is equipped with a new weapon, it immediately destroys one monster on the field!”

You’d think for a guy whose deck revolves around Gearfried the Swordmaster that he’d have a few more Equip Spells.

Erin gasped as the warrior lunged, and Cryomancer was destroyed again. Spitting furiously in his anger, Gaius went for the jugular. “Now with him out of the way, attack her trooper! Divine Slash!”

Another lunging slash and the masked warrior fell in a shattering of snowflakes. The resulting blast of the attack, damaging shocks passing through her Duel Disk into her body, made Erin cry and drop to her knees, leaving her whimpering slightly. This was too much. She couldn’t get back up. She couldn’t even look up. Her life points were at the minimum (LP 100). The room was silent now. The guards were only kept at bay by the remaining presence of her two sorcerers. Not that they would be able to protect her from Gaius’ Swordmaster for long.

“Turn end.” Gaius declared smugly. “Face it little girl. You’ve lost. And when I defeat you next turn, after your actions here, owning an illegal item and attacking an official servant of the Empire, you’re going to lose everything.” Everyone stared at her, but still Erin just knelt there, looking at the floor and trembling.

‘I’ve... I’ve blown it. I should have added Dewdark to my hand when I had the chance. Even if I drew him now, he’d be no help to me as things are. I’ve kept making silly mistakes, right from the moment I went and attacked him. I just... the Empire just makes me... they just keep taking... and when he attacked Mel like that... oh you stupid girl! How can you protect Mel from the Empire? You can’t if you do stupid reckless things like this, and get yourself killed! What the hell was I thinking attacking this man? Foolish girl, you’ve let him down.’ She could feel everyone was looking at her, waiting for her. Fools, what were they expecting? For her to make some sort of miraculous recovery and defeat Gaius? To somehow make everything alright? She scoffed to herself as she hung her head. She couldn’t face them. She couldn’t look at Mel. Not after letting him down like this. 'Miracles don’t happen here. Not in the Empire...’

Looking at her deck, she could see a card had automatically offered itself for her draw. Well she was in this deep; she might as well go down fighting. Shrugging, knowing full well it wouldn’t make much difference; she drew and looked at it.

She blinked as she looked at the result. ‘Wait a second... this card...?’ The seconds dragged as Erin stared at it. And the orphans stared at her with baited breath. So did the nuns. So did the guards, poised and ready to arrest her. And Gaius, snorting with contempt at this battered, delinquent little girl who was transfixed by her card, the little magic card depicting a sea recovery operation, shaking as she held it.

‘Oh my... thank you...’

Convenient top deck get. And oh look, a miracle in the empire. I had no idea, no really, I didn't.

“I activate the spell card; Salvage!” Gaius jumped as the beaten girl suddenly hauled herself up and slammed it into the disk with some renewed strength, a crane appearing behind her and reached into the depths. “This card retrieves two water attribute monsters from my graveyard with fifteen hundred or less attack points, and adds them to my hand. Then I summon Cryomancer once again.”

“Grr, stalling again?” Gaius growled as the shaman returned once more to frustrate him. “It hasn’t worked for you once yet. You can’t keep Gearfried out forever!”

“Who said anything about me stalling?” To his amazement, Erin shook her head. “There’s one more thing about my Cryomancer that you should know, and that is he is a tuner monster. So now the stage is set, I will unleash the true power of the Ice Barrier. I tune my level two Cryomancer with the level four Strategist, to summon a more powerful force from my extra deck whose level is six. I Synchro Summon!”

Many gasped as the bodies of the two monsters turned to snowflakes, but this time they rose upwards and joined in a flurry of white rings and stars, forming a new snowy portal. As the gate opened, an arctic wind began to billow around the hall, forcing everyone to huddle down, trying not to be blown away by the growing blizzard. Gaius fought the wind furiously, trying to slowly inch towards Erin, until a terrible scream echoed through the portal above her. “From the depths of the icy realm, through the power of the divine’s pure prayer, a miracle will emerge to protect the weak. I Synchro Summon the result of that prayer. Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier!”

The snowflakes blew apart, and from them appeared a great crystal blue serpent, with great icy wings and a snowflake shaped face, an icy mist emanating with its breath. Its yellow eyes burned down on him, before it screeched again (Lv6, ATK 2300). Below it, Erin just stood there, transfixed and relieved. Still Gaius remained defiant. “Bah, I don’t know why you look so happy. That dragon isn’t strong enough to defeat Gearfried. This isn’t a miracle. This is just another false hope for a stupid, arrogant little girl.”

“We’ll see about that!” Erin retorted. Her voice was the strongest it had been since Gaius had entered the building. “Brionac’s special effect activates. By discarding the Shock Troops card from my hand, I can return up to one card on the field to the owner’s hand. Gearfried is helpless...” The swordsmaster leapt at the dragon desperately, but to Gaius’ shock was caught straight in the chest by an icy blast from its maw. Leaving him with nothing, as the dragon turned her attention on him. Below it, Erin had to shout over the cacophony of noise in the hall. “...and you’re through! Brionac, attack him directly! Ice Burial!”

...

The passersby outside the small grounds of Saint Alexis’ got the shock of their lives as a wooden wall of the orphanage suddenly ripped open, a blizzard erupting from with the hall. To their amazement, Sir Gaius of the Royal Guard was launched through it, landing heavily in the courtyard on his back, wincing and groaning as he tried to pick himself up (LP 0). Two more soldiers came running through the hole after him as the wind abated, followed by - and if they hadn’t voiced their surprise yet they did now - as a pale faced snow dragon stuck its head out of the hole. Gaius was yelling at his allies and pointing furiously at the girl who had just run up to the gap after them, looking exhausted.

“Don’t just stand here! Get her! Get the kid! Get someone!”

The soldiers eventually did as they were ordered, but a rumbling growl from Brionac, along with its ally Dai-Sojo emerging to join the fray, quickly made them change their minds. There was no way they were going to fight that thing. So they sheathed their weapons and ran, out of the gate to the courtyard and fled into the narrow streets of the slums, ignoring the tirade of abuse following them as Gaius staggered to his feet. He was clutching his side, and breathing raggedly. He was too exhausted to fight anymore, they both knew it. So they stared at each other for a long while, neither willing to break first. Erin’s face was blank, but held fear. Gaius made no attempt to hide his fury, until finally he conceded and backed towards the gate. But not without giving her one last dirty look, and jabbing an accusing finger at her.

“Don’t think this is over.”

I’ll get you next time Gadget.

With that he hobbled off into the slums, shoving anyone in his way to the ground in anger, leaving Erin stood in the hole she’d broken in the side of the hall, trying to take it all in. And as she slowly regained awareness of the mutterings of the orphans and the nuns behind her, of the people in the street ahead, and as she felt Mel’s shivering body press against hers; a growing, horrible realisation dawned on her.

‘Oh my god... What have I done?’

Topdecked your way to victory. Don’t worry, it makes us all feel so dirty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, time to analanalyse. Well, what can I say? For one thing, the writing is pretty superb. Which brings me to my first gripe: You don’t know when to shut the hell up and let the story write itself. You put so much damn time into writing out every single tiny detail. If you got rid of all those superfluous descriptions I will guarantee you that each chapter will more than likely be cut in half in terms of length. You basically have done the exact opposite of what you claimed you did for the first one, which was your horrible writing. Well, it seems lightning can strike once, and it killed me interest. Learn the middle ground, please. You don’t need to elaborate on everything. You don’t need to write down every insignificant detail. See, I’ve learned one thing: Your average reader? They don’t care how well the fic is written, so long as the story and characters are engaging enough to keep their interest alive. If all you do is through around fluffy language then all you do is drown them in cotton.

In terms of story, I really don’t get it. If this Emperor was such a brilliant tactician as to win a war and conquer another nation, then why wasn’t he smart enough to realize the value of the duelists? Surely the man is bright enough to subtly manipulate all the duelists to his own end. But instead, we have “Nope, let’s kill them all because shut up.” It’s stupid, it’s just, so stupid. It might have seemed brilliant in your head, but surely there must have been a part of you that seemed to think that maybe you’re underplaying the big bad that you were trying to set-up in the first place. And that’s terrible. It is terrible to create idiot big bads. Again, we have the anime for that. Why couldn’t he have sent all the Duelists on some kind of suicide mission? Or maybe find a way to turn them against each other so that they may destroys themselves? Why did he just have to do some big cull of the forces that literally won him the war? I have so many “whys” right now, and so few answers.

In terms of setting, I understand that we’re probably sitting in a mixture of renaissance and medieval, so, forgive my lack of believing that there are randomly cardboard cards with very detailed images and holo-projectors lying around. I just can’t buy it. It get the Shadow Games shown in the past of the animes, because they used huge stones. And in this Renaieval environment we have technology that won’t even be seen for another millennium and a half. It’s just impossible to believe.

Let’s think upon our characters. I’ll start with who I liked, Gaius. I was so tempted during the review to just call him “Generc McSuavevil”, because that’s what he is. Most people wouldn’t notice but I can see the stiches where you sewed his personality together from various tropes and cliches. But then one thing that is questionable is why the malefic hell was he collecting taxes? Isn’t that better suited for a sergeant or lieutenant instead? In fact, it would have made SO much more sense if it was, since his deck was absolute s**te. As I said before, the Noble Knights would have perfectly reflected him. A face of goodness, but an underlying evil influence. Ignoble Knight of High Laundsallyn would have made for a perfect ace for him. But either way I still supported him, since he is a child beater, and by gods do I hate children.

Erin, is the only other face you really get to see. Y’know, during the start, I still did wonder why the hell she was magically gone during the raid. She had nothing with her, so what was the deal behind her gone. If I got it right she was fourteen, so naturally, she wasn’t working. You gave absolutely no reason for her to be gone in the first place. All that pseudo-prologue served was to be nothing more than a whoobie moment, and that’s just tedium. And frankly, I still do NOT get how the Ice Barrier reflect her. She is no means that clever, since she punched a wall without even realizing. She made a rash attack on a guard when if she were smart, she would have said nothing. She hasn’t shown to be cold or distant, as the Ice Barrier are. Wanna know the symbolism of the Ice Barriers? It’s about keeping people out. Their entire strategy revolves around locking your opponent out of their plays, as shown by Cryomancer and Dai-Sojo, who block entry either through magic or by force. Erin has shown NOTHING of that, so if you choose to reply, then explain to me how they symbolize her.

As for the duel, it’s basically animesque to a T. You used stupid low tier decks and she won purely through a very lucky top deck. Y’know, here’s some Yugioh fic 101 that I want to share. If someone is reading a Yugioh fic, much of the time, they’ll only care for two things: The characters, and the duels. If you do good with both, they’ll eat up whatever half baked story you throw at them. Because that is why people read Yugioh fics, for the duels. Neo made a point about how you need to somehow make the fic more than just the duels to make it exciting, but that it misguided. People very rarely care for the story so long as the duels interest them. Which is why I was able to focus on picking at the fallacies in the story, because the duel wasn’t interesting. Aside from keeping card count- one thing you did do right- you need to use fresh and engaging decks used in a more realistic fashion. You used both Forbidden cards, and you used crappy decks that had a duel that was over in an instant. There was no willing suspension of disbelief as I knew she was going to win. There is always the convenient win, which is why I liked Legend of the Blue-Eyes. The Protagonist Maya didn’t win, and actually suffered for it; it subverted my expectations in a good way. But here, success was practically guaranteed.

You said you weren’t good with the duel side, which as I’ve said, is the focal point of a Yugioh fic. So, out of vague curiosity, why didn’t you ask anyone from the TCG Section for help? It is practically one of the most active sections in this forum, and despite certain beliefs we DO in fact have intelligent duelists. Why not ask the likes of Black or Mugendramon for help? Or anyone from there really, since most of their duel skills quite clearly exceed yours.

In all, I wouldn’t say the fic is good, but it’s not crap. I can see the frame for a very good story so long as rational thought is put in. “Oh the Emperor was scared of them, so he killed them” is such a piss-poor reason to do something. This differs from the Emperor in Star Wars, because, yes, he KNEW the Jedi had proven themselves to be a full, legitimate threat. Here, he was acting in suspicions and a lack of trust. He had no idea what the Duelists were going to do and he acted in a completely irrational manner. I would call him a Hitler, but that’s disrespecting the man. He at least did some good for his country. My advice, take some time to really think about what you want, before you go and do anything. And stop expecting people to kiss your ass all the time, otherwise Neo’s lips might get jealous.

I’m Broke. N, and I will thaw this endless winter.[/spoiler]

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Wow.

 

Well I had a idea of what was coming, but I didn't foresee it to this extent.

 

Right. So I read this a couple of hours ago when you posted in topic with the link, and have taken a pause before responding. Which shouldn't have been necessary, but I did. I will address that later, after a couple of other points. I'm not going to go through each every single tiny little detail because I frankly have other things to do and am against the clock, but I'll go for the main ones and hopefully strike a more balanced response.

 

And thank you for your choice of music by the way, nice to see someone noticed me drop that song in my comments on about 3 other peoples fics. Good song.

 

Comments on the opening scene I can mostly go with. Okay, the stuff about overdescription and overdoing it are fine, and the last comment about a really long sentance with seven comments in is totally fair and something I need to cut out. So thank you for pointing that one out. That was a genuinely good bit of critical review. What wasn't so good was the overly critical nature of every single detail, some of which is just, really that bothered you? Well, yeah I imagine it did, since you're aim is to be bothered by it. 'Oh Mel's hiding under a bed wtf is that?' Well... a bed. 'Oh why wasn't Erin there when the raiders came and smashed it up she doesn't work?' Well... she's a teenage girl. There's probably a billion and one reasons why she wasn't in for an hour or so when the soldiers came knocking. Also, you're having a pop at Mel, for being called Mel, which apparently is the worst name ever...

 

[spoiler=Right]

[/spoiler]

 

Not that it matters much, but the basis of Melanc's name comes from that his deck is a toon deck (OMG, not more non-meta tier 0 decks I hear you scream). Therefore I decided to name him after Mel Blanc; the voice of Bugs Bunny. It's a fantasy setting, I come up with weird and unique names for people on random basis. I like doing that. But you'll no doubt find that stupid, so we'll move on.

 

Another thing you seem to have overlooked on your rant about the hideous backdrop to this story is the fact this is a prequel. To a story written three years ago, when I was new and clueless, and pretty much was just ripping off The Inheritance Cycle the whole time. Therefore I am bound by the setup I have to work with as was established back in the original; be it good, bad or horrendous. And yes, some of it is bad, and if you scruntinise it looking for holes there's going to be some a mile wide. Lucky for you eh? But at the end of the day, it's a YGO fic on the Internet, that's written casually and published more or less in first draft having to keep to its original's pre-established plot/genre/target audience, there will be flaws. Of course there will be. It is what it is. It isn't Shakespeare and doesn't pretend to be. I'll get it as good as I can and if a few other people like it, great. That preassignment also extends to the use of decks that drew such major complaint.

 

Erin, as a returning character, keeps her Ice Barriers. Now yes, that line about 'this was the deck that defined her' I wish I hadn't put in now because you're right. She isn't that person... yet. The Ice Barriers represent the person she was in the original Armageddon, which guess what, she hasn't become yet. That's what this story is about. But yes it was a horrible line to throw in. As for Gaius and 'oh he should have used Noble Knights'... Um, it's a prequel. More specifically its a prequel to a fic written before Zexal and Xyz, in a Synchro dominant era. Whole lotta sense it would make if everyone's throwing around Xyz in this story, and then in its timeline in the original no-one had heard of the thing wouldn't it? As for Gaius' character, yes his being there has been questioned and accepted as such, thank you Polly. Guess what, he's a stage 1 villian. He does what he does.

 

Also apparently non meta decks equals automatically terrible fic. Don't even know where to start with that, other than you say I have a limitless pool to choose from later on which I didn't utilize well enough, but here say I must go for 2 of 6-7 decks and so should everyone else to keep the hardcore IRL players happy. Lovely, you have DN for that. But what I will start with is your argument of 'you're putting in hyperlinks to cards, therefore you shouldn't put in any description of card effects or monster looks either.'...

 

Are you for real?

 

I put the hyperlinks in only for any convenience of those who have a temporary blank, or if they occasionally see a card they don't recognise. If people don't need to use them, there's no need to click them. They are just there as, well a token really. To suggest I make people go back and forth from this to wikia to this to back again for every card effect is beyond moronic. I'm not assuming everyone has infinite knowledge of every card in the game. They're only there as an additional, if you need it. You can't seriously expect them to sub in for every card and just have the duel be a solid wall of speech that goes in a blur. As for a response of well don't use them then, well where's the harm? Well, being against your agenda, obviously. As for the use of banned cards, well again, premise was already in there and explained. I know I said you should be able to jump into this without reading the original I have to stick to, but hey-ho. I'm only using them where I have to, which given Ice Barrier deck assigned three years ago when Trish and Brioanc were used legally...

 

I have to go now, so I'll skip more or less to the bottom and my actual problem with this. I'm not gonna try and sit and justify every questionable plot point regarding the Emperor and everything because it dosn't matter; you've got your opinion and your article to write, and you know what? I'm fine with that. I totally understand that. You've got your own self and audience to amuse by looking into every little thing for a flaw and tearing it apart when you find them, and that's fair enough. You've got your Simon Cowell act to do to entertain and you want to find everything to critisise for laughs, yep, fine, I get it, good luck with it. I'm not (wait for it) HEART-BROKEN. Some of your points were actually good and stuff I need to work on like the overdescription and long sentences. Most of it was crising for the sake of a funny derogatory parody review, cool, if that's what you want to do. Although a good half of your 'review'/roast is, well, crap; I have no problem with you doing that...

 

But what I do have a problem with is the last line. 'And stop expecting people to kiss your ass all the time, otherwise Neo’s lips might get jealous.' This is why I took so long to reply, because this pissed me off. You are fully entitled to bash the fic around as much as you like. Go for your life and whatever, I couldn't care less. But there is absolutely no need to have a pop at me personally, and there is absolutely no f***ing need whatsoever to have a pop at anyone else. Yeah, spoiler; guess what? I like a bit of praise now and again. Shock f***ing horror. Who the hell doesn't want someone to occasionally say 'that thing you did was quite good?' I like a nice word about it now and again, if people want to praise then great, if they don't then I can live with it. But making any kind of comment about me, and then about someone else entirely, just isn't neccessary.  Ok?

[Mugendramon]

Well this one felt a lot snarkier than usual.

[Mugendramon]

I personally only have two things I'd like to defend Broken's arguments with.

 

Guess what, he's a stage 1 villian. He does what he does.

 

First, this. Being a stage 1 villain makes perfect sense for chapter one, no arguing there. But, a stage 1 villain shouldn't really be flailing around the title of General, wouldn't you say? It felt like a bit of a contradiction for me.

 

Also apparently non meta decks equals automatically terrible fic. Don't even know where to start with that, other than you say I have a limitless pool to choose from later on which I didn't utilize well enough, but here saying I must go for 2 of 6-7 decks and so should everyone else to keep the hardcore IRL players happy. Lovely, you have DN for that.

 

And this, I find to be not what he was talking about. You're following Josh's fic just as well, are you not? The first chapter even used Ice Barriers as well. And even then, neither player was... subpar at what they did. Naturia isn't what I'd call top tier either, and yet the duel went fine and didn't feel gimmicky. Stuff like Gearfried Released.dek feels is a little underwhelming.

 

Point being, as an authority, this bronze knight should have some sort of ability to win with his secret weapon... and he made a fool out of himself with the cards he played. Unexpected decks are great for a fic... almost deliberately bad ones, not so much.

 

Now please don't either of you bark at me.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Now please don't either of you bark at me.

 

Why would I bark at you for this Mugen? :huh: You've made me two reasonable points about the fic and nothing else. What's there to bark at?

 

Regarding Gaius; ugh, I'm never gonna get away from this :) It's not so much his status that's the problem. I didn't want to just put her against some bottom of the ladder tax inspector or something because that would be a pushover, and that sort of lower level person wouldn't have a deck (only a selected few in the army are trusted in this fic to use them to deal with those who appear to confront the state with them). The problem is just the way the duel came about. In hindsight had it been a tax-inspector originally that Erin Cold Blasted out of the orphanage and then went and ran off to fetch Gaius, then it might have worked better.

 

As for Gearfried Deck: Well, okay. I assure you my intention wasn't 'make him deliberately bad deck', I just went with what caught my eye in terms of finding him a Warrior Build (the original idea was actually for him to use Warriors, and then his partner to use the corresponding Spellcaster structure deck from way back when, but that was later ditched) which turned out to be Gearfried as what I liked for him. And sorry, but the idea of Lightning Blade trolling in the rematch was far too tempting :)  Yeah I follow Black's fic and have commented on it in thread, not here. I think we just look for different stuff from duels tbh. We'll see if the duels improve in people's estimations in Arc 2, but if your interest in YGO stops at the words 'Tier 2', then sorry it's probably not the thing for you given what people will be using.

 

And be happy.

[The Warden]

I never said that I would hate to see low tier decks, in fact, I love em. I made a Crashbug deck that did stupiudly well until it got axed by losing 2 Birdman. Point is however, that there is 0 creativity in using a Structure Deck. If you create and utilize decent or creative decks, it makes the read so much more interesting. If you put together a slapdash POS for someone so high ranking, well, it's just, how should I put it? Crap.

 

Another point is that you really should stop reading too deeply into this and putting words into my mouth. I already have myself to do that and I clearly don't need the help in doing so.