Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 [align=center]Edge of JusticeEnjoy the fic! [spoiler=Overall Plot]Kal Iszarc is an 18 year old boy who is an outstanding duelist. He was put into the Duel Police Force (DPF) at a very young age, and he was soon the greatest in the precinct. Soon Kal found the greatest crime boss in all of their history, and when he faced him in a duel, he lost. Kal let this loss affect his work, and he was later fired. He ran away from home, and now he is consumed in the search for vengeance to be brought, and to get his life back to normal. But that doesnt mean that he cant have some interesting adventures on his way back. Kal Iszarc's Deck - The Allies. (link to the original card set) Volume One: Evolution - In a Nutshell.[spoiler=[size=x-small]For all of you who want to catch up.[/size] ;)]Kal Iszarc is a normal 18 year old boy. Well, as normal as you can be for having both of your parents murdered when you were a small boy and left an orphan. That never bothered him, he had forgotten all the details, except that his father's body was never found. But he grew up with a father figure - the Chief of Police. Growing up in the orphanage with Lance, his best friend, was a lot of fun. At a young age he showed intelligence toward Duel Monsters, and the Chief enrolled him in the Continental Duel Academy. He was nearing graduation, his teacher Joey Wheeler had high hopes for him. His skill impressed the Chief, and he pulled him out of school early and placed him in the Dueling Police Force (DFP). He showed incredible skill, dueling with a set of cards known as the Allies who draw their strength from stacking on top of each other in the same monster card zone (see link above for the set). He soon found the greatest crime boss of all time, Joel Karne, and challenged him to a duel. He lost. This reverberated into his work, and he was let go. He left for four months to a place in the woods where he could think and obsess over his cards, getting stronger. Soon he came back to his town of Aequitas. He dueled people in the night, a vigilante to the city. He took everyone down. During his stay he met a girl named Alina, who was the cart vender who sold the food in the alleys that he wandered. He taught her how to duel in exchange for food, and they started to fall in love with each other. But one night he dueled and started to get supernatural powers. he could levitate and dream the future, and even move things with his mind. That night that he dueled against a street walker, his powers turned him evil, and he picked up a building to crush his opponent. Thats when the Cyborgs came in. The Cyborgs are a series of humans that were in the DFP that were converted into robots to do the Army's bidding. They are ruthless, and feared. They almost caught Kal, but because of his partial transformation into a Cyborg (his legs were cyborg-robot legs) he got away. He ran and left on his father's motorcycle to the next big town, Succurro. On the way, he met a man in the gas station who told him about a tournament being held by Pegasus in Succurro's major hotel, the Palmarium. He was convinced to go. He traveled there and met many people, faced many opponents, and even found a girl that went crazy over him. His deck allowed him to pull through all the rounds and achieve victory. His prize: the penthouse suite in the Palmarium. Throughout this time he found out a lot of strange things. One of them was that his Ally Monsters were never released to the public, as they were stolen by an employee that worked there. If that was so, how did Kal's father have them to pass down to him? Throughout the tournament he also found that there was a girl, Talia, that had powers just like Kal. She could enter his mind and look around, and she found a strange specter there. Kal confronted him and found that it was the same guy as the man that he had met in the gas station that day that he was introduced to the tournament. Kal locked him up in his mind, but he disappeared. When Kal went into his apartment he was abducted by the DFP, recruited back into the Cyborg program. He was changed, and he was stuck where he was. [Read Chapters 1-15 for more information.][Read Chapters 16-> for the rest of the storyline.] Volume One: Evolution[spoiler=Click to see the Chapter Links]Vol. 1: Prologue (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 1 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 2 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 3 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 4 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 5 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 6 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 7 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 8 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 9 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 10 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 11 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 12 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 13 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 14 (Click to View)Vol. 1: Chapter 15 (Click to View) Volume Two: DestructionVol. 2: Spoilers (Click to View)Vol. 2: Chapter 16: Freedom (Click to View) Subscriptions[spoiler=List](Grouped for ease of PMing groups of 5)Dark Hunter, Alph, Crystal Beast user J, Crystal Beast 123, Raviel Priest WYHE,Aelsthla-Mental, tankiller, magno, moneypony, BlueKyubbi,thunderfang12, ~The Emperor~, schyshter, n1ghtm4ze, [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Interesting Fanfic but post the duel so I can rate. This looks like it's going to be good and I'll submit a character later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archangel of destiny Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Nice,it isn't too long or too short,the title is great,i think that this fan-fic has a future(oh and i am not doing this just cause you offered a rep)i am still thinking about submiting my character.Keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 [spoiler=Vol. 1: Prologue]Prologue The moon was bright, but the thick clouds enveloping it made it dark. Darker than night. Dark like an abyss… Down the alleys of Aequitas, the main city, a man in a long, ragged leather jacket walked. To say this man was just walking was an understatement. In fact, he was hunting. Not in the way you would like to think though. He had no knife, gun, or weapon of obvious choice. All he had was his duel disk, with a full deck of cards ready and waiting. The man paused all of a sudden, listening to the still, night air…. He had heard something. Not something, but someone. Somewhere a woman was crying out for help, somewhere close by. The man grinned, and he quickened his pace. He turned a few streets and walked around a few corners until he found what he was after. Down one alley he saw a common thief attacking a poor woman. From where he was standing, the man could see that he was trying to grab her purse. “You there,” the man said. The thief turned towards the man; the woman seized the opportunity and ran. As the thief saw this he turned to run after her, but the man leather jacket seized him by the shirt. “Yeah, what do you want?” the thief asked, trying to squirm out of the man’s grip. But it still held strong. “I want to offer you an opportunity.” The man in the leather coat asked. “An opportunity? For what? You just cost me a night’s work and….” The man in the leather coat cut him off, “I would like to offer you an opportunity that can save you.” The thief stopped trying to wriggle his way out, paying close attention, “From who?” “From me,” the man in the leather coat asked. The thief looked angry, “What is this, come kind of joke? Let me go…” “I will if you win it in a duel. This duel would be on my terms, and mine alone. Do you accept my challenge?” the man in the leather coat asked. After a brief pause for thought, the thief said, “Fine.” He said it almost if he was defeated if he didn’t. Maybe he would have been. The two stepped away from each other, gave enough room for each other’s holographic field. The thief took out a duel disk from his backpack, and put if on his arm. After tossing the bag out of his way, he took out the deck from his coat pocket and shoved it into the deck slot. Both players raised their left arms and readied themselves for the match that would start shortly. “Duel!” both said, and they each drew five cards… To Be Continued… [spoiler=Vol. 1: Chapter 1]Vol. 1: Chapter 1 “Duel!” they both said, and they each dew five cards. Man in the leather coat: 8000The Thief: 8000“The challenged get the first move,” the man in the leather coat stated, almost as if the thief should have known that. The thief grinned, “You’re gonna let me go first?” The man in the leather coat nodded once, then added, “Remember the rules. If you win, you get to go free tonight. However, if I win then you are going to the Penitentiary.” A flicker of anguish went across the thief’s face when he said ‘Penitentiary.’ The thief drew his opening card. A smile spread across his face. The smile sent shivers down the man in the leather coat’s spine. “I place a monster face-down in defense mode, and I place one card face down. Your turn.” the thief said. He was getting cocky. [spoiler=Round 1 feild pic] The man in the leather coat wanted to know more about this guy. “What is your name, thief?” he asked. “Tom, Tom Huro. Now it’d be only fair if you tell me yours,” the thief said with a hint of arrogance. The man in the leather coat thought for a moment, and then decided to reply. “My name is Kal Iszarc. My turn.” Kal drew his card, but kept a poker face. He didn’t want to let Tom know how good his hand was. Tom interjected, “I activate my face down Trap! Macro Cosmos!” The trap flipped up in front of Tom on his side of the field, and a vortex appeared in the sky. A vortex to the removed from play zone. “Now all cards sent to the grave, are removed from play.” Kal got a bit nervous. He had only faced a remove deck once in his life, and he almost lost. This duel was going to be interesting. “Alright, I summon Legion’s Samurai in attack mode!” Kal said. The card flipped up, and a warrior with a long, sharp weapon was summoned to the duel field. ATK: 1500. “Next, since I have one Ally Monster on my field, I can activate the effect of my Legion’s Magician of Tricks! Now I can Special Summon it to my side of the field from my hand!” “Hey wait a second. Your cards, they are all black. What kind of cards are those?” Tom asked. Kal grinned, “I am glad you asked. This type of card is called ‘Ally.’ They have all sorts of effects, like regular monsters, but they stack on top of each other, and they can usually gain effects from being in a Stack.” “So you can have, like, 20 monsters in one monster card zone?” “Yes, but only the top one can attack if that’s what you’re worried about,” Kale said, “Now, onto my turn. Alright, I Special Summoned my magician. But he doesn’t summon onto an empty space, he gets summoned in a Stack, right along with my Samurai! But he gets sent to the bottom, so Samurai is the power hitter.” When the Magician’s card flipped, it was behind the Samurai. Then the Magician came to the field, directly behind the warrior. ATK: 1000. “Now for my Magician of Tricks’ effect. I can discard one card from my hand and inflict 1000 points of damage!” The Magician suddenly had two handfuls of playing cards. He then propelled himself off the shoulders of the Samurai, into the air, and through those many cards at the opponent. Tom was then hit with a force of 1000 damage. “Aaahh…” Tom said, cringing from the blow of the 1000 playing cards. Kal: 8000Tom: 7000 “Next, for my Samurai’s effect. I can tribute the monster under it in the Stack to destroy one monster! And I select your face down!” Slowly the magician disappeared into the vortex above them. The Samurai raised the weapon and threw it at the face down monster. “Noooo!” Tom said, the card revealed to be D.D. Warrior Lady. “That was what I expected. And with no face downs left to worry about, I can attack you directly with the Samurai!” The Samurai retrieved his weapon and leaped into the air. He struck with the force of him being drug back down to the ground, dealing 1500 points of damage. Kal: 8000Tom: 5500 [spoiler=Round 2 field pic] Tom stood back up after the crippling blow. “My turn,” he said, a bit petulant. Tom drew and yet again smiled. “Since I control no monsters, I can activate the special ability of my Evil Hero Infernal Prodigy! Now I can Special Summon it in attack mode.” The card flipped up and a little fiend with wings appeared. ATK: 300. “Now I can tribute him to Summon my Caius the Shadow Monarch!”The Prodigy disappeared into the vortex, and in it’s place came a tall, dark monster, complete with the ragged cape and black body armor. ‘Great, he’s playing Macro Monarchs,’ Thought Kal. “Now for Cauis’s Special Ability! I can now remove from play a card, and I choose your Samurai!” Caius generated a purple orb of light and launched it toward the Samurai. The Samurai squirmed as he was twisted together, and sent straight toward the vortex. “And the effect isn’t done! Since the removed card was a DARK monster, you take 1000 points of damage!” “What?” Kal exclaimed. A beam of purple light shot out of the vortex and straight though Kal, crippling him. Kal: 7000Tom: 5500 “And now I am free to attack you directly! Lets see how you like it!!” Tom said. Caius stood poised for the attack. He started generating another purple orb. “Not so fast,” Kal said with a weak voice, still on one knee. “I can discard my Legion’s Defender from my hand, and the top card of my deck to instantly end the battle phase.” The two cards got removed from play, but before that happened a scrawny girl with a knife appeared in front of the Samurai, in a protection stance. Caius backed down. “I end my turn.” Tom said. [spoiler=Round 3 field pic] Kal Stood back up and steadied himself. “My draw!” he said. ‘I am going to need a miracle to pull this one off…’ he thought. “I release my Samurai to summon my Legion’s War Caller!” The Samurai was sent to the vortex, and in its place was something that resembled a muscular skeleton with wings. ATK: 1900. “Now for its Special effect! We both show each other a monster in our hands and the weakest one is sent to the graveyard!” “And with Macro on the field, it’s removed from play.” Tom interjected. “Yes. Alright, show!” Tom held out Raiza the Storm Monarch (ATK 2400) and Kal held out Legion’s Overlord Lokeyrr (ATK 2700) “No way!” Tom said, as he placed his Raiza in his pocket, his removed from play pile. Kal Grinned. “That isn’t all. The loser of the war takes 1000 damage!” “Nooo!” Tom exclaimed as 1000 more life points were taken. Kal: 7000Tom: 4500 “I end my turn,” Kal said. [spoiler=Round 4 field pic] ‘I am off to a good start, but he can easily get the upper hand.’ He thought. To be continued…. [spoiler=Vol. 1: Chapter 2]Vol. 1: Chapter 2[spoiler=Round 4 Field Pic] “My turn now!” Tom said as he drew his card. “Alright, I summon Dark Grepher, in attack mode!” A Dark Warrior with a menacing sword came to the field after the card hologram flipped up. ATK: 1700 “And now I can activate his effect! You see, when he is on the field I can discard one DARK monster from my hand to send another DARK monster from my deck to the grave, bust because of macro cosmos they are both removed from play! So I choose to send Cyber Ouroboros from my hand to send another Cyber Ouroboros from my deck!” Then, as he stuck the two cards into his pocket, two machine dragons appeared and went into the vortex above the playing field. “And now the effects of my Cyber Ouroboros activate! Whenever they are removed from play I get to draw one card!” Tom said, and he drew his two cards. “Now I can attack your War Caller with my Caius!”The evil, armored fiend who was deterred before showed no sign of letting up this turn. He generated another violet orb and launched it at the War Caller. Just as the Samurai did, the War Caller collapsed onto itself and got drug up to the vortex. Kal: 6500Tom: 4500 “And now my Grepher can attack you directly!” Tom said, the megalomania starting to kick in. Grepher sliced right through Kal, and he lost even more life points than before. Kal: 4800Tom: 4500 “I end.” He said, feeling smug. [spoiler=Round 5 field pic] Kal wasn’t going to let some street rat defeat him. He had all the faith in the world in his deck. But he was going to need a ton of luck to get him out of this mess. He has nothing on the field, and his opponent knew the one card in his hand! He was going to need something good on this draw. “My turn!” Kal said as he drew his card. “Alright!” he exclaimed, “I activate the Spell Card Allure of Darkness! Now I can draw two!” And that’s what Kal did. And he liked what he drew. “And for the backfire of Allure, I remove my second Protector from play.” Kal watched as his second defender, in her white cloth outfit, ascended to the vortex. “Now I can summon Legion’s Warrior in attack mode!” After the card flipped a warrior in shredded black material, with a sword as his weapon, appeared. ATK: 1300 “But he wont be staying for long, because I tribute him to Special Summon my Legion’s Overlord Lokeyrr!” The warrior slowly disappeared into the vortex, and in its place came a giant creature with wings and an embellished stave. “And for each Ally Monster tributed for the Special Summon of my Overlord he gains one counter. And for each counter he gains different effects! His first effect is that he gains 100 ATK points for each counter.” Overlord Lokeyrr: ATK 2800 “But he doesn’t have enough counters to activate any other effects, so now he can attack! I send him to attack your Dark Grepher!” The Overlord raised its stave, and a beam of light shot into the air. Then it came crashing down upon Grepher, and his remains were sent to the vortex. Kal: 4800Tom: 3400 “That’s all I can do, so I end.” Kal said. [spoiler=Round 6 field pic] “My draw!” Tom said, “I switch my Caius to defense, and I also summon this guy in defense mode.” Caius, obviously reluctant, bent down on one knee; a card appeared on the field in defense position. “I end.”[spoiler=round 7 field pic] ‘That’s all you can do, I bet.’ Kal thought. “My draw!” Kal said. ‘What good fortune I have,’ he thought. “I activate Ally Draw! This card allows me to draw two, as long as I have a level 5 or higher Ally, and Overlord counts!” Kal drew two more cards. “Alright, let’s end this! I summon my Legion’s Elf Sorceress, in attack mode!” Out came an elf in blue clothing from the sprung card, in its own monster card zone. ATK: 1700 “And now I can Special Summon my Legion’s Counter Daemon to the bottom of one Stack, just like my Magician of Tricks!” Another card flipped up, and this time it was behind the Elf Sorceress. A skeleton with pink wings appeared behind him. ATK: 0 “And now, because of his effect, I can pay Life Points to add Ally Counters on my Overlord! So I pay 3000 Life Points to add 10 counters to him!” The Counter Daemon created a purple orb, and tossed it at the Overlord, making him glow. Kal: 1800Tom: 3400 “And he gains 100 ATK points for each counter, and with the counter boost I can activate more effects of his! Like the ability to attack twice per turn!” Overlord Lokeyrr: 3800 ATK “And now I can activate the effect of my Sorceress! By tributing the card beneath it I can destroy one Spell or Trap Card, so I tribute my Counter Daemon to destroy Macro Cosmos!” Counter Daemon disappeared into the vortex, and then the elf sent a green burst of light at the card. It exploded in a million shards. Then the vortex started to close, and soon you could see the night sky. Except it wasn’t going to be night for long, you could tell that the sun was going to rise very shortly. “Now I attack your Caius with my Elf Sorceress!” Elf Sorceress sent another burst of green light at Caius, and he too exploded into a million shards. “And I will use Overlord’s first attack to destroy your facedown!” Overlord raised his stave once more, and a burst of light went into the air. But before it could land, the card had to be flipped. And what flipped up Kal never expected. “You triggered the effect of my Cyber Valley! Now that it is a target of attack, I can remove it from play to end the battle phase, as well as draw a card.” A metallic dragon came out of the card, and it started glowing a bright light. A blinding bright light. ‘That’s not good, they would have seen that,’ Kal thought. Tom drew his card. “I have to end.” Kal said, “You saved yourself this turn.”[spoiler=Round 8 field pic] Tom drew another card in silence, and he thought about what he could do. “I Summon Vorse Raider, in attack mode.” A muscular beast with a sharp weapon appeared. ATK: 1900 “Attack the Elf Sorceress now!” Tom said. “Oh, did I forget to mention the other effects triggered by my Overlord’s many Ally Counters?” Kal asked innocently, “You see, when it gets to 7 counters you can only select my Overlord as an attack target.” “Fine, I call off my attack.” Tom said hastily. But Vorse Raider continued forward. “But you can’t. Once my Monster gets 10 counters, you are forced to attack him each turn. Since I have 11 counters on him, that effect is triggered!” Tom watched as his only monster, his only hope, ran to a suicide into Overlord Lokeyrr. Vorse Raider was destroyed, and it fell into a million shards. Kal: 1800Tom: 2500 “No….” Tom said, and he fell to his knees. “I… have... to… end…”[spoiler=Round 9 field pic] Kal drew his final card, though he knew he didn’t need it. “Overlord Lokeyrr, attack him directly and end the duel!” Overlord Lokeyrr stepped forward, and raised his stave. The burst of light entered the air, and was thrust upon Tom. “NOOOOO!!!!” Tom shrieked, and he fell to the ground. Kal: 1800Tom: 0[spoiler=Round 10 field pic] All the monsters disappeared from their path. Kal put all of his card into one, neat and orderly stack, and shoved it into the deck slot of his duel disk. When he looked up, he saw something was missing. Tom. Kal looked farther down the alley and saw him running like a mad man. ‘Not again…’ Kal thought. Tom was almost to the street, almost to safety. He took a hurried glance back and saw that Kal was still standing there, almost 300 feet away by now. Tom turned back and was about to burst into overdrive when all of a sudden he felt something holding onto him. The force of him running and the sudden force holding him back caused him to have his feet slip out from underneath him, and in result he fell to the ground. “Ow…” Tom said, and he laid his head on the ground to look up at what he got caught on… And he saw Kal Iszarc. “Whaaaaaaaa….???” Tom exclaimed, at a loss for complete words. “I hate it when people don’t follow through with what they agree to.” Kal said as he took out a pair of handcuffs and a small rope from his pockets. Kal handcuffed Tom, and then tied his feet together and left him in the alley. He knew that they would be there soon to find out what that light in the alley was, and that would save him a trip to the Penitentiary. Kal ran off with his astounding speed, just out of sight when they indeed came…_____ ‘This is the third one this week, and its only Tuesday.’ Kal thought to himself as he walked to his home. ‘Crime rates are escalating everywhere… I wonder if this has anything to do with the government’s new plans for the middle and lower classes….’ Kal turned another corner, and stopped to marvel at where he lived. Sitting on the corner of an abandoned street was a two story house that at one time must have looked nice, but now it is run down. There were vines growing, and holes in the roof. But Kal didn’t care about that stuff. Not anymore. Not since it all happened…. Not since his life was turned upside down. This was his, and he could say that definitively. “Home, Sweet Home,” Kal said, and he walked toward its indigent splendor. [spoiler=Vol. 1: Chapter 3] Vol. 1: Chapter 3 Kal Iszarc walked up to his degraded house, the only thing other than his deck that he could call his. He got to the front door. He checked to see if the front door was locked. It was still secure. He turned around and surveyed the area. No one was around, just like normal. He reached into his shirt and pulled out a chain, a heavy silver key was on it. He unlocked the door, and had to shove on it with his shoulder for it to budge. As soon as he got inside he shut the door as quickly and quietly as he could… He didn’t want them to hear or see him. Kal collapsed into his only chair and groaned. ‘Another long night,’ Kal thought, ‘but this is for the greater good….’ That’s when Kal decided that he was hungry; he went to the refrigerator and took out a small container. “My last can of ArBur, I’ll have to go to the market soon…” Kal said out loud. Being lonely like this lead Kal to talk to himself quite frequently. He considered himself his only friend, and the only person to know that he was still living… Kal sat back down and started eating the artificial burger with a spoon. At least he tried. It tasted horrible; maybe it was starting to go bad. He sat it down on the floor, and decided to forget about eating. He will go to the market as soon as he could. But right know he needed to rest. The morning was his night, and the night was his day. He was almost completely nocturnal by now…. He stood up and went to the staircase. He had to skip a couple stairs that were rotten through. Soon he was at the top, and after that he was in the master bedroom. Inside was one bed, unmade, and mirror. Under the mirror was one table, and that was where he sat his duel disks and cards when he slept. Kal took off his ragged leather jacket and let it fall to the ground. He sat his duel disk on the table and looked at his face in the mirror above it. He looked tired. Not only that, he looked stressed. But below that you could tell that there was anger in his eyes. Kal looked away hurriedly and flopped into his bed. He was asleep before he could count to three. His slumber was filled with dreams, dreams of what had happened. It wasn’t new; he has had the same dream for 4 months straight. _______ “Kal,” the police chief of Aequitas said, “I need to talk with you.” Kal looked up from the many papers surrounding him on his desk. He dreaded this, and now it was happening. He stood up and walked towards his boss. “Step into my office, won’t you?” the chief asked, motioning toward the door. “Alright,” Kal said brusquely. Kal sat down in the nearest chair, not wanting to hear what would come next. “Kal, you are one of the best officers we have ever seen here, I must say that. But what has happened to you?” the chief asked. “What do you mean?” “I mean, in the last month you have dueled only five times, that’s not like you. What’s more unlike you is the fact that you lost all 5 of those duels. Most of the people in Aequitas are duelist, and most duelists happen to be into crime. But it is our job as the Duelist Police Force to stop them. You normally duel and catch 2 people a night, sometimes more, and you have never once lost. “But then you found Joel Karne, the biggest crime boss in the entire history of the city, and you duel him following our rules. You lost, and he was allowed to get away. Your only defeat, but you didn’t let the feelings stop there. “It’s almost like your spirit has been broken, and you don’t feel like dueling at your level anymore. You were so good that we even sent you into the Cyborg Program, almost like our version of the CIA.” “Yeah, and you guys just got the legs finished last week,” Kal said, eyeing his legs, “I like the new speed these mechanical legs give me.” “Yes, but unfortunately you cannot continue with the program.” The chief said. “What?” Kal asked, dumbfounded. “I am sorry to say this, but I’m going to have to let you go,” “WHAT??” Kal said as he stood up in aggravation, knocking over his chair in the process. “There’s no reason to get angry, Kal. Look at is objectively, like you usually do. You have let something that happened to you affect your conduct on the job, and that directly reflects upon me. I cannot have the best DPF Officer we have ever seen get reduced to a n00b status in a month and still keep him on active duty! You know that! That is why I must let you go.” Kal rushed out of his office, knocking over the mail cart going by on his way out the front door. Kal woke in a start; he felt rain on his face. ‘Not again, I just fixed the leak yesterday…’ But he heard no rain. He put his hand to his eyes to feel that he was crying. He quickly wiped the tears away, like someone was watching him. _______ A few hours later he walked to the market in silence. He had no one to talk to anyway… When he got there, he went to his vender. He got to know more about her each time he met her at her cart, and he knew that she could keep his being in Aequitas a secret. “Good morning, Alina,” Kal greeted as he walked up to the cart. Alina looked up when she heard the familiar voice, and she smiled. “Kal!” she exclaimed a bit louder than she should have, then she said a bit quieter, “What is going on with you these days?” “Oh you know. The usual. Walking around at night, and coming to get supplies from you on a weekly basis.” Kal said. He couldn’t help but smile too. “Oh, well we just got a new flavor in! It’s called ArChi.” “Artificial Chili, huh?” Kal said. “You’re good at guessing the names, aren’t you?” Alina asked. “I’m getting better, yes. I’ll take two of the new ArChis and two of the ArBurs too.” “Just four today?” she asked, sounding kind of sad. “Yes, I’m in a bit of a rush today.” Kal smiled, “Where did we leave off last week?” Alina smiled. “We left off at Monsters! You told me that there are 6 types of monsters…” “Can you name them?” Kal asked. “Well, we have the Normal ones, and the ones with Effects. Then we have the blue Ritual guys, and the purple Fusion ones, and the white Synchros…. And then there are the black Allies. Is that right?” “Yep, that’s right. Can you tell me how a Fusion Monster is Summoned?” “You use Polymerization, or some other fusion spell card, and take two or more monsters and mix them together, right?” “Yes, that is correct. How do you Summon a Ritual?” “You need a Ritual Spell and the Ritual Monster in your hand, and then you need tributes that add up to the level of the ritual, right?” “Yep. Same question for Synchros.”“It’s sort of like a Ritual-Fusion, where you put these guys in the extra deck and you tribute monsters whose levels add up to level of the Synchro, right?” “You forgot that you need a Tuner Monster for the Summon of a Synchro, but yeah. That’s it. What is the special perk about the Allies?” “They stack on top of each other!” Alina said. “Yep, and who do you know that uses a deck like that?” “You do!” Alina said. “That’s right. So, does that cover my bill?” Kal asked. “Yes, it does for this week, Kal.” “Alright. Well, I’m going to be headed home. Next time I will talk to you about Spell Cards. You’re going to make a fine duelist some day.” Alina blushed, “Think so?” “I know so.” “Well, I’ll be seeing you…” “Good by, Alina.” Kal took his bag and started off the way he had come. He could feel Alina’s eyes on him as he walked down the street. He got about half way home when he heard a voice. “Hey! You in the leather coat! Yes you, come here.” Someone said. Kal turned and saw a muscular man in a tight fitting shirt walking down the street toward him. “What do you want?” Kal asked, curt. “I saw that you have a duel disk, and I am quite fond of that leather jacket you’re wearing. What do you say to a duel for it?” he asked. It was obvious that it wasn’t a request and that if it was denied Alina might not get the lesson in Spell Cards. Kal dropped the bag of artificial food, and raised his left arm. The man grinned and raised his left arm as well. “Duel!” they both said, and they each drew 5 cards. 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Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 cool' date=' thanks. i would have added a duel, but i want you guys to get interested in the fan fic before the card contest is over. ^_^ infortunatly, "Interesting Fanfic" falls into the category i stated above, so you dont get the rep point unless you tell more.... ^_^ Nice,it isn't too long or too short,the title is great,i think that this fan-fic has a future(oh and i am not doing this just cause you offered a rep)i am still thinking about submiting my character.Keep up the good work. thank you. you get a rep point anyway because you said more than "Cool".... two more reps to give..! thank you for thinking about submitting. ^_^ Added more and please post the duel. I can help you if you want Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 EDIT: moved here to make room for chapters P-3cool, thanks. i would have added a duel, but i want you guys to get interested in the fan fic before the card contest is over. ^_^ infortunatly, "Interesting Fanfic" falls into the category i stated above, so you dont get the rep point unless you tell more.... ^_^ Nice' date='it isn't too long or too short,the title is great,i think that this fan-fic has a future(oh and i am not doing this just cause you offered a rep)i am still thinking about submiting my character.Keep up the good work.[/quote'] thank you. you get a rep point anyway because you said more than "Cool".... two more reps to give..! thank you for thinking about submitting. ^_^ ------- thank you^_^ and thanks for offering to help, but i will do that nine days from now, or more. i need to end my contest, and then i will add the duel. i just wanted to get you guys interested. ^_^ +1 rep to you now. one more to give! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EliminateHRN Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Awesome episode so far it has a good twist to it and also awesome name for it :D i can't wait to see the rest of the story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atomix Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 This is a brilliant Fan-Fic because it goes into great detail. I see you want to make the plot as deep as posible ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Awesome episode so far it has a good twist to it and also awesome name for it :D i can't wait to see the rest of the story thanks man! i tried to add a twist... but that isnt the biggest one i have in stow. ^_^ you get the last rep point... 0 more to give. ^_^ thank you for liking it! This is a brilliant Fan-Fic because it goes into great detail. I see you want to make the plot as deep as posible ^_^ sorry, i missed your comment. since yours was the best comment so far (not to offend anyone by that!) i will make an excpetion and give you a rep too. ^_^ now 0 to give. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Like I promised, here's a characterName: Brad NorinoAge: 18Bio: He thinks dueling is only for the strong. He leads a gand of duelist and is feared by many duelists. I'll post the deck info later but it has to follow the current ban and limited list? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 yes. Making a deck like you would for a tournament makes the fan fic seem more realistic. At least that's how I think... ^_^ Thanks for your character! We might see him soon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 yes. Making a deck like you would for a tournament makes the fan fic seem more realistic. At least that's how I think... ^_^ Thanks for your character! We might see him soon... I think you should use Tradional instead for more action as more decks(Like Chaos) can be used. I'm thinking about the deck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ixigo Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Hmm. Well, it's decent, really, by the standards of the site at least. I've only read five works here that display a higher level of writing and quality, and only two of them are still running (though, I do not claim to have read everything there is to read on the site, of course). The sheer fact that it actually has some description and character portraying gives it a vast edge compared to most of the stories I see, which dramatically lack either. As long as you maintain that pace and take your time between description and narration while keeping up with the correct grammar and formatting when the story actually begins, there will be little to say there. Naturally, that's not to say that there isn't room for improvement - there is a lot of room for improvement - but you're doing fairly well already. However, there are some flaws. It is evident that you don't proofread your work thoroughly, else several mistakes would have been avoided - mostly inconsistencies in text, syntactical errors and unneccessary repetition. I'm pretty certain you can find them yourself by reading it over once or twice, so I won't bother pointing them out individually - plus it wouldn't be as beneficial as finding them yourself and correcting them - but just know that they are there. Re-read what you write paragraph-by-paragraph or even sentence-by-sentence, to ensure that your work is not stained by completely needless flaws. That said, the preview was good. The plot seems dense and original enough, and that's all one can really ask for. Perhaps not unsurprisingly, there are errors here to - logical fallacies without reasonable explanation, such as why on earth would a thief carry a duel disk in his backpack? I know many of these inconsistencies exist in the Yu-Gi-Oh! universe as well, but those who write the anime do it for money, and they hardly care whether what they make is actually of any quality whatsoever, as long as it satisfies the fans enough to sell. Since you're interested enough to write about it without profit, you are generally expected to hold up to the standards the actual show fails to maintain. Explain the world and the universe more thoroughly, so that the readers get the larger picture instead of just following a linear plotline, oblivious to everything else. Of course, you don't need to rush that - it can, and should, take you several chapters to unfold the background to us while following the events of the main plot, so that's not really criticism. More like a piece of advice for the future. Now, don't get disheartened. That's not the kind of review I'd give your run-of-the-mill fanfic writer; if I did read and comment on his work at all. With him, I'd focus on basic notions and flaws - he'd have a long way to go to reach a level where he could actually afford to be concerned with things like these. But you do have potential, and it's always a shame to be wasted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 wow, went pretty detailed there did ya? ^_^ Thanks for your comments, all of them. I do realize that there was going to be mistakes, I was rushed and I wanted to get this out quickly. I will proof read this later, but again as I have said before, this is only a preview, so nothing will be perfect. I was planning on going further into the plot for this world in later chapters, through dialogue and narration, so be expecting that. Thankyou for paying this much attention to my fan fic preview, I await your critisms from my actual story. ^_^ I'm not that great of a writer yet, and this is one way that I know to expand my style, as well as creativity. I have an underlying plot in my head, and it still needs perfection as well. My next part will probably be chapter 2, and that will have the duel. I most liekely will reveal a lot about the story then, including the main character's name. XD Thanks again for the detail to your post. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ixigo Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 My next part will probably be chapter 2' date=' and that will have the duel. I most liekely will reveal a lot about the story then, including the main character's name. XD[/quote'] Wait, so this preview was the first chapter? I thought it was the preview for the first chapter. If so, change it into a prologue, or put the next part as the continuation of this chapter, not a new one. First, it's way too small, and second, it's best to keep a relatively consistent chapter length. Nothing short of double the preview's length should be the minimum for any full chapter. And I'm only taking time in a detailed review because I see potential. Now it's up to you to actually reach it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 alright, now I have to make some changes.... Got to make you proud now....^_^ Okay, I changed it to a prologue. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyhe Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 I'm feeling a strong vibe from that fanfic,show us the duel next,please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 don't worry lord wyhe. The duel will be the next thing I post. ^_^ There won't be any split in the story, if thus what you meant. I might need to lessen the end date for my contest, of I might just make a deck for the thief to make the first duel. ^_^ I hope you guys like it, but it won't be until at least tomorrow that it gets up. Be awaitin for it. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaos Impact™ Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 yeah but it's only a preview so i can't really comment on the plot duels and charcters but this could be good with a couple of weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spire Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 Cool. Seems intresting! Too early to rate but i'll give you one. I hope to see the first chapter/episode/whatever soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 Cool. Seems intresting! Too early to rate but i'll give you one. I hope to see the first chapter/episode/whatever soon. soon has just come my friend. ^_^ Chapter One is up, and beware it's long! i couldn't end the duel, so wait for chapter two for it. but i hope you like the beginning. plus: i made the duel field after each round to show you what it would look like.... comment / feedback is appreciated. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 The spider and me like this fanfic. Keep it up!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 The spider and me like this fanfic. Keep it up!! the spider? ^_^ I'm glad you like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 The spider and me like this fanfic. Keep it up!! the spider? ^_^ I'm glad you like it. Yes the Spider likes it too:lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 lol, okay... :D Anyone else interested in my story? I know there isnt much about the plot yet, and the duel isnt even complete, but they do that on tv all the time! Please comment if you read it. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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