Spontaneous Human Combustion Never Hurt Anybody! A new FF from the Author of "Bleach: Masks of the Espada"!

[Spirit of DMG]

Well, I guess there's no need to beat around the bush. This is a School Life Fan Fiction. And so, without further adu:

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" The crowd kept chanting the slim beauty's name. She was the first female ever to become president of the United States of America! The crowd kept chanting as she held her pale arms out, embracing the public wo had embraced her. "Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" Suddenly she heard a loud crash, "Cheruvet!" she heard a single voice say sharply.
She opened her eyes and looked around at her laughing classmates. Followed by her locking her grey eyes with the sharp green ones of the teacher who had slammed her hands on Cheruvet's desk, startling her into falling out of her chair. "Honestly, Cheruvet, are you getting enough sleep? That's the third time this week you've fallen asleep in my class," the not unattractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her. "To top things off," she continued, "it's only Wednesday."
Cheruvet lowered her head, her face turning red, and allowing her long raven hair to fall into her eyes. "Sorry, Mrs. T." she murmered.
"Please get off the floor," Mrs. T. said, returning to her desk. "And try to keep in mind for the future that the uniform skirt is not as long as it could be." Cheruvet quickly stood up, her face turning a brighter shade of red. She straightened and dusted off her red plaid skirt, (which only decended to the middle of her thigh) and took her seat. A few of her class mates snickered, causing her to sink lower in her chair, hiding behind her text book.
The school bell rang, prompting Cheruvet to grab her backpack and run out the door while the other students were still gathering their books. "There's only one reason you'd be moving that fast," another, tan-skinned girl said, emerging from a neighboring class. "And that would be that you fell asleep in class and then fell out of your chair."
"You forgot the part where the teacher slapped her hands on my desk and scared me," Cheruvet answered. The other girl giggled at Cheruvet's response, brushing a hand through her auburn hair. "It's not funny Audri!" Cheruvet said defensivley. "All the girls could see up my skirt..." she added more quietly, and the two started walking toward the cafeteria for lunch.
"Well, as Miss Tanaka says when someone falls asleep in her class: 'This is the Automata Institution for Girls, not a sleeping center,'" Audri said. Cheruvet groaned, puffing her lip out. "What are you doing at night, anyway? You fall asleep in class more often than usual. Even for you."
"YOU KNOW WHAT I DO AT NIGHT!" Cheruvet all but shouted at Audri. She ducked her head as the teachers shot her a glare that was meant to make her lower her voice. "We're roommates. My job at McDonald's, followed by a shift at Sonic. Then I get home and I have to make my own dinner," she said, narrowing her eyes on Audri.
"Well, you get home late, and I'm no good at making enough to have leftovers. I either burn the food or don't cook it enough... and that's even if I only make enough for myself..." Cheruvet simply sighed.
"Either way, I don't get to bed until midnight. And classes start at six. I really don't have much of a choice in how tired I am in school." The two friends finally made it to the head of the lunch line, being served a bowl of Macoroni and Cheese and a saucer of scrambled eggs. They were silent until they found a deserted place at the table and sat down. "How did you get in here without having to work a single job?"
"My brother is an inventor, and made enough money selling nick-nacks and stuff to send me here out of his own pocket," Audri answered, eatting a few bites of her Mac and Cheese. Cheruvet allowed her head to hit the table. Audri poked her friend's head with her fork.
"I wish I knew someone who could do that for me," Cheruvet said, sounding like she was five years old. "I have to save up every cent I make to be here, and even then I can just barely scrape by."
"Nii-San has offered to pay for you several times, you know."
"Yes, but he has his hands full with you, I don't want to put him in a spot like that," Cheruvet groaned. She gingerly prodded her eggs, somewhat pouting.
"I swear, Cheruvet, you're impossible. You want someone to pay for you, but when someone offers, you turn them down. What exactly is it that you want?"
"The only person who's offered is Nii-San, and he's aleady paying for you. I don't want him to end up in a debt he can't pay because of me. I know he has millions of dollars from selling his inventions to people, but still. This school isn't..." she trailed off, her head falling to the table. She cae to rest with her arms stretched out across the table. Audri poked Cheruvet in the head with her fork again.
"Aaaand, she's out," Audri stated to herself. She sighed, eatting some of her eggs. She gently dug the prongs of her fork into Cheruvet's cheek.
"Whatever it is I didn't do it!" Cheruvet said sharply, sitting up in a flash. Audri laughed, shaking her head.
"Cheruvet, I don't know what you dream about when you drift off like that, but you need to eat if you want to stay alive to have those wacky dreams of yours," Audri said, using her own fork to push Cheruvet's food toward her. Cheruvet yawned, taking in big chunks of eggs, and then alost choking on a too big bite of Macaroni and Cheese. "Slow down," Audri laughed, "The food waited this long, I don't think it's going anywhere."
Cheruvet gave Audri a "shut up" look. "Hey, you're the one who's acting like the eggs are going to run away from you," Audri said. Cheruvet puffed up her cheeks, pouting. "Oh, come on. Just slow down and enjoy the food. It may not be a five star gourmet meal, but it has to be better than Hot Pockets and toast."
"Yes, it is. Anything is better than that," Cheruvet said. She took a smaller bite of Macaroni, and took her time chewing it.
"There see? It's much better than choking on it," Audri stated. The two continued eatting in silence for several minutes. Audri finished her food first, and Cheruvet finishing hers almost a minute later. "Where are you going to next?" Audri asked.
"U.S. History," Cheruvet answered.
"Snooze fest," Audri noted. "I have French. Not much better." The two girls let out a simultanious groan, lamenting their next classes. The bell rang through the school, signaling that it was time for the students to move on to their next class.
"Awww," Cheruvet moaned, "I don't wanna go yet." The girls stood up and carried their dishes toward the door. Setting them on the return shelf, the two students stepped through the cafeteria door, an departed in different directions toward their different classes. Cheruvet took until the next bell rang to get to her seat, which had been labeled with her name since the first day. She looked at the desk next to her, and noticed a name tag she hadn't seen yet.
"Sorry I'm late, had a bit of trouble finding the right room," a blonde haired girl stated, entering the room. She was neither tan nor pale, and claimed the name tag next to Cheruvet's seat. Cheruvet stole a sideways glance at the fairly tall girl next to her, and noticed that she was moving her lips silently, trying to pronounce her name. "Chr-oo-v-et" she finally settled on, and grabbed Cheruvet's attention with it.
"Share-oo-vay," Cheruvet corrected her kindly.
"Sorry. Henrietta Ford, but I prefer to go by my surname" the new girl said. "So, um, Share-oo-vay," she said, enunciating the proper pronunciation, "I was wondering if you could help me catch up after the day lets out." Cheruvet thought for a couple seconds. The teacher called the class to attention, and Cheruvet nodded. [/spoiler]
[spoiler= Chapter 2]

The school day over, Cheruvet headed for the front door of the school. "Share-oo-vay!" she heard a voice call out. She turned around to locate the source. "You promised to help me catch up in History class, remember!" Ford called.
"Oh, yeah, right," Cheruvet said, thinking back to her fifth period. "I only have one hour before I have to leave for my job, though." The two walked back to Cheruvet's dorm - five minutes away by foot - in silence. Ford looked around Cheruvet's dorm room, taking in the Enya posters mixed in with the pink heart posters. "My room mate, Audri, and I had a little poster war when we first moved in and got all of ur posters mixed in with the others," Cheruvet stated in responce to Ford's interested look. This incited a little giggle from the new girl in school.
"Well, we have got less than an hour now, Share-oo-vay, so we had better get started. A lot to catch up on," Ford stated, heading toward a study desk in the corner of an adjacent room - visible through the open door. Cheruvet followed her to the desk, and stood over her as Ford sat in the chair, pulling out her book.
"Okay, now, where should we start from?" Cheruvet asked.
"Well, where are you up to in class?"[hr]

"Audri, I have to go to work now, please help Ford with whatever she needs help with!" Cheruvet requested of her roommate.
"Fine, I'll help," Audri said, walking over to Ford in her night gown. "Alright, what've we got here?" she asked, picking up Ford's work and examining it. "History, huh? Okay, let's see what we can do." Audri and Ford continued to work on her History for nearly an hour.
"Automata is quite far advanced from other schools," Ford said once they were caught up. "The Curriculum I transfered from was still discussing the Revolutionary War. We would not talk on Vietnam until next year." She ran a hand through her already messy, short-cut hair.
"Has anyone ever told you that you talk funny?" Audri asked.
"Some people said. I do not care," Ford said, packing her books. She looked at the clock, and placed a hand on her stomach. "I am hungry now. Where can I find food?"
"Well, Cheruvet would be at McDonald's about now, so, we could go there," Audri answered.
"I have no money, though. I am here on scholarship."
"Scholarship? For what?"
"Automata is building a horse racing team, and asked me to captain the team, was not announcent made of this?"
"Probably. I never pay attention to the morning announcements though." Ford chuckled and shook her head, standing up out of her chair. Audri handed her her books, and both headed toward the door. "Hold on, I'm going to get my coat, okay?" Audri said, heading toward her room. She came back two minutes later wearing jeans and a light green shirt underneath a slim Faux Mink coat.
The two walked side by side toward the local McDonald's. "So, Aw-Dree, Share-oo-vay mentioned working two jobs. Why is she so busy? Is she paying for her own education?"
"Yes, actually. My brother offered to pay for her several times, but she won't accept his offer."
"Why not?"
"He's already paying for me. She doesn't want to burden him with her too."
"Really? Well, I know someone who might pay for her, if she will choose accept it." Audri shrugged, and looked around. She pointed to her right, and turned in that direction. The two fell silent, Audri leading the way.[hr]
Cheruvet handed a costumer her change, before greeting Audri and Ford. "Hello, may I take your order?"
"Okay," Audri answered, "I'll take the Third-Pound Angus meal, and... Ford, what do you want?" Ford looked over the menu for several seconds.
"I will have the four piece chicken nuggets," Ford said.
"Okay, that's seven eighty-three," Cheruvet said, accepting Audri's ten dollar bill. She handed Audri her change, and handed them both the cups for their meals. Audri filled her cup with Dr. Pepper, while Ford went for ice and water.
"Four nuggets and Ice Water, are you sure you're okay?" Audri asked.
"Do you not like to eat healthy?" Ford asked, both of them sitting in a corner table. "I prefer to eat things that will not jeopardize my ability to ride my horse."

"Oh, right, I remember you mentioning something about that. You're also captaining a team Automata is forming, right?"

"Yes, I am. We already have enough to enter races, but sign ups are still happening. Will you sign your name?"

"Me? Probably not. But, if you can convince Cheruvet to accept help from that friend of yours, then she could benefit from being a part of that team."

"How you mean, she could benefit?"

"Well, Cheruvet... she's a nice girl, but, needs major help with her self confidence," Audri answered, getting up to get the meals from Cheruvet. "Cheruvet," she said when she was handed the tray with their food on it, "Ford knows someone, I think you should talk to her about it, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. Later. Like, maybe... tomorrow, okay?" Cheruvet said, moving over to the register. Audri walked back to her table, leaving Cheruvet to take the order of her next customer. Both girls ate their food, neither wanting to talk more about Cheruvet or horse racing.
"So, is there anything else you're going to need help with in school?" Audri asked. Ford thought about it for a minute, and nodded her head.

"Well, probably my entire schedual. English, Algebra, Physics, just about everything, really. I said before, Automata is far advanced from my other school."

"Okay, I'll see what I'm able to do, okay? I'm warning you now, though, I'm not very good with Physics. You'll need Cheruvet's help with that."

"She's Physics good?" Ford asked.

"Umm... yeah, she is. I guess... Well, she's got straight A's, so, she can help you in any subject. Much better than I can, I might add."

"But, she'll need to be freed of one or both jobs she has first."

"We're going to have to work on making you talk normal, once we get you caught up in all of your classes."[/spoiler]
[Spoiler=Chapter 3]

While waiting in the cafeteria for the first bell to ring, Cheruvet was approached by Ford, who sat opposite her at the table. Audri came up behind, and sat next to, her. "Share-oo-vay, I spoke at Aw-Dree involving your money situation," Ford stated. Cheruvet said nothing, nodding her head. "Well, the point being that I think I know a person to help you. Her name is Toyotaka Masaki."

"Toyotaka Masaki? I remember the name, but... wait, isn't she that millionaire who donated half the money to build the school?" Cheruvet asked her.

"Yes."

"So, how do you know [i]her[/i]?"

"Toyotaka is my auntie," Cheruvet answered. Cheruvet and Audri both stared wide-eyed at her.

"Wait, you're serious? You're the niece of Toyotaka Masaki? That's akin to being a decendant of royalty around here!" Audri stated.

"Maybe, but I don't think so. I said last night, I'm only here on scholarship to Captain the Horse Racing Team. Speaking of, Share-oo-vay, Aw-Dree said you could benefit by being on the team. Sign-ups are still happening until next week."

"Sign up for horse racing? Ummm... I might, but... I'd have to quit my job at McDonald's. And, I'd have to let them know two weeks ahead of time."

"That is not trouble at all. I can talk to the coach and let him know of this, and Auntie Masaki will have no trouble with paying for your schooling." Cheruvet stared at her, thinking through what she'd just been told. She could finally quit one or both of her jobs, and get her education payed for by someone who wasn't already paying for someone else. She could also join a school function and be part of a team. That one she wasn't excited about.
"Well, I'd gladly allow Toyotaka to pay for me to be here. But, well, I'm not sure if I want to join the horse racing team. It's not that I don't like horses, it's just that... well, I don't know how to ride a horse, and, well, I'm not one hundred percent comfortable around a lot of people..."

"Cheruvet, that's exactly why you need to join the team!" Audri spoke up again. "It'll be good for you! You need to develop those kinds of social skills, and this is the perfect way to do that! Honestly, how could have worked at McDonald's for three years and not have any confidence around other people!?"

"And as far as not being able to ride one, I will personally coach you in riding a horse. It is not really hard to do, once you get on it." The bell rang, signaling the three to start heading toward their first periods. [i]Sign up for horse racing? Maybe. That would mean at least a week of missing practice, though, if I put in my two weeks today. Still, Toyotaka paying for my school would definitely help.[/i]
The tardy bell rang at the same time Cheruvet walked into the closed door. "EEP!" she let out, high-pitched. Her face turned red as the teacher let her in. She was informed that she looked like a tomato, like a lobster, and an apple by several of the students. The teacher banged on her desk with a ruler, calling the class to attention.
"Stand up," she called. The students did as instructed. They all bowed when told to, and greeted the teacher in a formal manner. "Sit," she told them; they followed instructions.[hr]

"Auntie Masaki!" Ford shouted, knocking on an extravagantly designed oak door. "Auntie Masaki, I have brought a visitor!" The door swung open, permitting a view of a thin, tan-skinned woman in a scarlet silk dress. She ran her fingers through her waist-long raven hair. Her ruby lips curved into a gentle smile as she stepped to the side, motioning the two girls inside.
"Please, come in, Henrietta, and bring our friend inside, too," Toyotaka said. Cheruvet looked around, her eyes almost popping out of her skull. Toyotaka's home was floored with granite, and walled with crimson brick. The ceiling of the room she was in was carved from maple, and most of the furniture from the same kind of oak as the door. "Sit down, Little Miss, I promise we won't bite," Toyotaka stated, giving a chuckle reminicent of a child.
Cheruvet moved across the room, and took a seat next to Ford on the wall to wall sofa. She looked across the room, and noticed the only source of light in the room was a wrought-iron fireplace. The grate had been hand-forged (acording to the hammer marks glimmering in the firelight) into elegant swirls. "Auntie Masaki, my friend here, Share-oo-vay, is considering signing up for the Horse Racing team. Problem being that she has no money help, so she needs to resign from a job to join the team," Ford stated.

"And you want me to pay for her education for her," Toyotaka said, not in the form of a question. "Well, that won't be a problem at all, dear. But, there will be one stipulation: Share-oo-vay will have to maintain at least a B minus average. If I see one report that she isn't meeting this requirement, all funding will be cut off, okay?" She was looking right at Cheruvet the entire time.

"Uh-um, y-yes, ma'am," Cheruvet finally squeaked out; Toyotaka's voice had gotten intense during the explaination of terms.

"Well, okay then, who wants crepes?" Toyotaka asked, taking on a much more friendly tone, "I had just finished making a fresh batch when you knocked, Henrietta," she finished, clapping her hands. Ford and Cheruvet both stood up, agreeing to sample her goods. The kitchen was just as fancy as the living room. A Pine table and marble counters surrounded a wood-fired clay oven. Ford and Toyotaka took a seat at the table, on which the crepes had been set, leaving Cheruvet to stand at the doorway. "Come on, Little Miss, take a seat, grab a crepe."
Cheruvet nodded, hurrying to a chair at the table. She grabbed a crepe, and took a bite from it. Her eyes lit up, which brought a smile to Toyotaka's lips. "I'll take that elated expression as a compliment, and I'll give you thanks for it," Toyotaka said, giving the same chuckle she had given at the door. "You aren't much at talking, are you, Little Miss?"

"Uh, um, well..." Cheruvet stammered, enciting another chuckle from Toyotaka.

"She is cute, is she not?" Ford asked.

"I fear she may be too cute for your team, Henrietta," Toyotaka answered, reaching for another crepe. Cheruvet took notice for the first time of the long, blue nails her hostess sported.

"Oh, worry about it not. She may not be much of a jockey now, but she may just turn out to be better than I, once she has been practiced." Toyotaka rested her head on her hand, eyeing every inch of Cheruvet she could see, nibbling at the crepe held in her other hand.

"Perhaps she will. That would be quite a task you've set for yourself, though, not to be offensive by any means to you, Little Miss," Toyotaka responded. "In fact, I would love to see it happen, though I imagine being on the team could only improve her social skills, shy little thing." Cheruvet simply nibbled on her crepe - she was still nibbling at her first one. "Come on, Little Miss, you haven't said one compete sentence your entire stay, I'm sure you're able to do so."

"You have a lovely home, Miss... Mrs... Ms..."

"[i]Miss[/i] Masaki, Little Miss, but please, call me Auntie Masaki. I may only have met you just a few minutes ago, but I can tell that I like you already."[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 4]

Cheruvet was standing in the dressing room with Ford, learning how to lace up the riding gear. She had handed in her two weeks at both jobs, and was using her rare day off at McDonald's to begin learning to ride. Ford herself had stripped down, while Cheruvet was taking off her clothes one piece at a time, and replacing it with the corresponding clothing it was to be replaced with. "Share-oo-vay, it would be easier if you would take off all your school clothes at once," Ford stated. Cheruvet pursed her lips, groaning at the thought.
"Think about it like this: It is not as though you are showing me anything I have not seen already on my own body," Ford told her.

"I know, it's just that... well..."

"You do not like the idea of anyone else seeing you without clothes? We are all girls here, so it is not as though we do not know how your skin appears. Besides, it is pretty, I do not need to see all of it to know." Cheruvet held up the leather riding chaps, sizing them up before removing her skirt. Thus far, she had put on the long sleeved, thickly woven button up shirt, and nothing else of the racing uniform. "At some point, it will have to happen that you are naked in front of the team, we do, after all, shower together. Otherwise we will be late to class."

"Ehhh? Ohhh..." Cheruvet groaned.

"Come on, off with the skirt," Ford urged. Cheruvet sat the chaps on the bench in front of the row of lockers, and put her hands on the hem on her skirt. For several seconds, the two stood still. "Come on, take it off, get it over with." Cheruvet shut her eyes tightly, pulling her skirt down and allowing it to fall to the floor. "See? Not so horrid at all, is it?"
Cheruvet's face felt like it would melt off, and she was certain it was glowing red. She scrambled to put on the denim jeans she had been provided with earlier. "Oh, well, baby steps. Perhaps after practice we can see you in all your pretty skin." Ford sighed, watching as Cheruvet attempted to put on the leather riding chaps - which Ford ended up strapping on to Cheruvet herself. [hr]

Ford was mounted on her horse, a grey stallion named Granite, while Cheruvet was looking over a black and white female Paint Horse named Karma, and carrying a saddle in her hand. "Share-oo-vay, have you ever done [i]anything[/i] with a horse before?"

"Umm, no?" Cheruvet answered, blushing again.

"You should see a doctor, your face almost [i]stays[/i] red," Ford stated, smiling. She dismounted Granite without any difficulty at all, and walked over to Cheruvet and Karma. "Okay, look, this is how you saddle a horse."

Ford smiled at Cheruvet as she placed a rainbow saddle blanket on the mare, the blanket glimmered brilliantly against the mares black and white flecked coat, she slowly picked up the black leather saddle , several little flowers engraved into the leather, it slid slowly and smoothly over the saddle blanket, Cheruvet starred in awe as Ford climbed on after tucking her leather booted foot into the stirrup, Cheruvet watched the muscles in Ford long strong legs as she sat on the horse. ''Now'' Ford said, ''it's your turn, it's hard the first time to climb on but after a while it gets much easier'' Ford slid down the side of her horse, her landing looked graceful to Cheruvet.

Cheruvet blushed softly and lightly this time as Ford bucketed her hands to make a step for her. Her booted foot easily slid into the stirrup, slowly Cheruvet slid onto the mares' back slowly, she sat high on the mares high back as Ford slid her foot into the stirrup, ''Share-oo-vay, relax okay'' Ford quickly said as she slid behind Cheruvet, her chest pressed against her back, Ford took hold of Cheruvets hands and softly patted the horse with her foot, the horse neighed and slowly moved forward. "Now, to make a horse turn you turn the reins and turn the reins the opposite direction of where you want to go" Cheruvet gulped'' Like this?" her voice squeaked as she turned the reins right so Karma would turn left. "Yes exactly right!" Applauded Ford " now try by yourself Share-oo-vay" Ford jumped Effortlessly from Karmas' back and quickly mounted Granite, Karma followed Granite slowly through the riding paddock " How you make a horse move is simple: simply wiggle the reins the opposite direction of where you want to move as I was saying earlier"[hr]

"What's wrong? Why are you pouting like that?" a girl asked behind Cheruvet, now in the shower. Cheruvet immediately spun around and crouched down, covering her breasts with her hands. "You must be the new girl," the pink-haired girl said. "Captain Ford said you'd be shy and squeaky," she said, smiling. Cheruvet moaned, blushing dark red under the hot water.
"Come on, at least try to tell to tell me why you're so pouty-face." Cheruvet groaned before answering mumbling her answer. The girl looked at her confused.

"I fell off my horse!" Cheruvet almost yelled before burrying her face into her knees. The other girl blinked several times before hugging Cheruvet.

"It's okay. It was only practice, no one expects you to get it right straight away," she said, standing Cheruvet up. Cheruvet noticed that the girl's eyes were a mixture of gold, green, and blue - it also appeared that someone had thrown purple flecks into them. She hugged Cheruvet tightly, the pink-haired girls C cups pushing against Cheruvet's C's. The door to the showers opened, allowing Ford to walk in on the scene.
She brushed her blonde hair out of her piercing - indeed almost glowing - blue eyes. "Sheh-vehl, do nothing ecchi to that girl," Ford stated immediately. The girl with pink hair let go of Cheruvet, giggling.

"I was just hugging her to make her feel better!" the girl protested.

"You were almost making her pass out from blushing too deep. Share-oo-vay, this is Sheh-vehl. She is on the team as well, and you have noticed by now her personality, yes?"

"HI! My name is Chevelle Thomas, and I'm number 5 in the team," she said, almost bouncing. Ford smiled and shook her head, close to laughing. Cheruvet looked at her with no idea what to say, feeling somewhat uncomfortable standing in the showers with two other girls - all three of them wearing no clothes.

"Go on, Share-oo-vay, introduce yourself. We are not in the middle ages, you can tell people what name you have without me," Ford said jokingly.

"Ummm... My name is Cheruvet Alura. Ummm..." She was blushing. "Nice to meet you." Chevelle giggled, hugging Cheruvet again. Ford chuckled, turning on the water at one of the shower heads, and lathering her hair.

"Remember, Sheh-vehl, she is not social. That is the most amount of words I have heard her say at one time," Ford said, running the bar of soap over her arms.

"Awww, why are you so quiet?" Chevelle asked in a little-kid like voice. Cheruvet groaned as an answer. "No be shy! No be shy!" she said, extending the last syllable she spoke.

"Sheh-Vehl, allow Share-oo-vay to finish her shower. We will be called to class in only a minute," Ford called. Chevelle groaned but returned to her own shower. Cheruvet started to leather her hair - she had washed her body with soap first, opposite of Ford's choice. As Ford predicted, the bell rang just as all three girls finished.They exited the showers into the locker room together and hurried through getting dried off and dressed.
Cheruvet ran behind Ford, hoping they wouldn't be late. "I mean it... Share-oo-vay... when I say... that whoever had the idea... of putting the last period [i]after[/i] athletics... needs to be... slapped... repeatedly... with a dead fish," Ford said, out of breath. The two managed to sit down only half a second before the tardy bell called out.[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 5]

"To where are you going, Share-oo-vay?" Ford asked as Cheruvet started toward the gate of the school. "The team has practice after school in addition to in class." Cheruvet groaned and nodded before walking toward Ford. "Don't fret, okay? It only lasts until five o' clock. That's only one hour and fourty-five minutes."

"Okay, I guess I need it, anyway, don't I?" Cheruvet asked as the two girls started moving to the race track.

"You do, yes. Do not be sad, however, since no one expects you to be perfect on your day one," Ford answered. The two girls walked in silence until they reached the locker room to change. The rest of the team - thus far only six other girls - was already either changing or changed. "Okay, if you already are wearing the attire, then go get your horse ready, otherwise, do so when you are changed. Practice will begin once everyone is ready to start."

"Umm, Ford?" Charuvet started.

"Yes?"

"How many girls will have to sign up before the team is complete?" Cheruvet asked. Ford thought about it for a few seconds before answering.

"I think about twelve more will be required before we will be able to race other schools," Ford answered. Cheruvet's eyes widened, and her face turned completely red. "Yes, Cheruvet, you will have to change in the same room as nineteen other girls, and you will have to do it at the same time." Cheruvet groaned, and shakily removed her shirt, and then skirt. Ford smiled as she watched Cheruvet strip down, and then replace her school uniform with her team uniform.
Ford changed her own clothes, before heading out to the track with Cheruvet. "Okay, everyone has their horses ready to race, correct?" Ford asked the team. Everyone nodded, holding their horses by the reigns. Cheruvet recognized Chevelle, standing by a Chestnut colored mare. She noticed the mare had a heart-shaped marking on its forehead.
Cheruvet placed her saddle blanket on Karma, and then placed her leather saddle over it. "Alright, everyone," Ford announced as she mounted Granite, "It is now time to begin, so get to the starting positions you have been assigned." She lead the way to the track on her horse, and the others followed on theirs. Cheruvet made several attempts to mount Karma before finally managing to follow the team. "To begin, how many of you have ridden before today?"
Chevelle raised her hand, but no one else did. "Okay, so, how much experience have you got, Sheh-Vehl?" Ford asked.

"About three years," Chevelle answered.

"Good, then you and I will race once around the track, so the others can see what they will need to do," Ford stated. Chevelle, who had been in the second row, moved to the front; the others took several paces away from the track. "Share-oo-vay, would you give us the start?" Ford asked.

"Umm, okay..." Cheruvet said, riding Granite up to the edge of the track, her cheeks flushing red. "Umm..."

"All you need do is yell 'go' when you are ready for us to begin," Ford said, giggling. Cheruvet groaned, her cheeks turning a darker red.

"GO!" she squeaked loudly rather than yelled. The two racers snapped their reigns and darted off down the track, lowering their profile as much as possible. They moved around the turns without difficulty, completing the single quarter-mile lap in one minute - Ford completing it half a second before Chevelle.

"Do not be discouraged that I won that race," Ford began. "Remember: A real team race requires that every person on the team do their best, and the winning team is determined by their time average, not just who completes the track first," Ford told the team. "Okay, you will all complete one lap as fast as you can. Worry not about how fast that is today, since this is only to be practice, but ideally it will take just under a minute. He-un-day, you will go first."
A girl with raven-colored hair to the middle of her back and tied in a pony-tail approached the starting line on a black stallion. "I'll take it this time, Share-oo-vay," Ford said, putting a whistle she had hanging around her neck into her mouth. She held her arm up, and blew the whistle as she snapped it down. The girl snapped her reigns, repeating what she had seen from Ford and Chevelle. She messed up at the first turn, and caused her horse to turn the wrong way.
She recovered, and managed to complete the lap in just over one-and-a-half minutes. "Good, that is actually good," Ford said to the look on the girl's face. "I will tell you all a secret: First lap I did took over two minutes because I kept turning wrong and falling off." The other girl smiled, and the team laughed a little. "Alright, let's let Share-oo-vay go next," Ford said once the laughter died down.
Cheruvet did better than the previous girl with one minute twenty seconds. The other girls all performed in the same area; when Ford averaged the times together, the team's overall time was one minute and fourty-five seconds. "Good average, everyone. We still have an hour and a half, though, so we can go again. Remember how you made mistakes, and then correct them, okay? He-un-day, you're first again. Same order, so remember when you were called and be ready to lap."
This time, the raven-haired girl turned her horse the right way, but almost fell off on the next turn and had to slow down, so she finished with one minute and two seconds as her time. Cheruvet was up after her, and actually did fall off on the first turn, and finished with one minute and ten seconds. The other girls all faired with between a minute ten to a minute twenty. The average time for the team ended up being one minute and fourteen.[hr]

Audri sat a bowl of pasta on the table and started to pour a glass of milk when she heard the door open. "Cheruvet? I thought you still had work to do until two weeks from now," Audri said as Cheruvet walked into the kitchen. Cheruvet flopped down at the kitchen table. Cheruvet moaned and dropped her head onto the table.

"Yeah, but I managed to get today off from both of them. I have to go in tomorrow, but Toyotaka managed to get me alternating days, and then I won't have to go in at all in two weeks," she answered.

"Alright, well, I guess I should fix you something to eat, huh?"

"If you would, I'd appreciate it greatly," Cheruvet stated. A knock on the door interrputed Audri's attempt at making Cheruvet a meal.

"I'll get it, you just got done with practice," Audri said, walking to the door. "Umm, who are you, again?" she asked when a pink-haired girl walked through the door.

"Chevelle Thomas, I came to cook something for Cheruvet since she kept making mistakes with her horse at practice today," the girl answered. Chevelle immediately went to the kitchen and started looking through the fridge.

"Umm, you're who and you're doing what now?"

"Come on, Audri, you know me. We have Culinary Arts together, goofy."

"Oh, right, you're the hyper one."

"Yup, and I think I just found what I'm going to make for Cheruvet," Chevelle said, pulling a bunch of stuff from the fridge. Audri ate her pasta while she and Cheruvet watched Chevelle do what she was doing. It was several minutes before Chevelle was done; Cheruvet had been too exhausted to speak, and Audri was eatting, and both had been banished from the kitchen while Chevelle worked. "It's done now, both of you can get some!" Chevelle called. The two walked into the kitchen to see what Chevelle had prepared.

"Is that what I think it is?" Audri asked when she saaw what Chevelle had made.

"Yup. It's a Chocolate Cheese Cake.[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 6]


"For real? Chocolate Cheese Cake?" Audri asked, looking at Chevelle's confection.

"Come on, try it! Please?" Chevelle asked, sounding like a little girl. Audri groaned.

"Fine, I'll try it, if it'll make you feel better," she said, grabbing a plate from the cabinet. Chevelle cut two slices from the cake, and gave one to Audri, and the other to Cheruvet. Cheruvet took a bite of hers first, and her eyes lit up. Audri tried it after seeing Cheruvet's reaction, and she immediately took another bite. "It's good, isn't it?" Chevelle asked.

"Okay, it's really good, I admit it," Audri said. Chevelle smiled and hugged Audri, Chevelle's boobs squishing Audri's face. Audri reached up and tapped Chevelle on her shoulder, causing her to release Audri from her embrace. "Thank you. Oh, sweet air," she said, falling back in her chair. Cheruvet smiled and let out a small laugh.
"Oh, you think that's funny, Cheruvet? Maybe I'll go over there and try to suffocate you with my boobies, then," Audri said in a teasing tone. Cheruvet's face turned red at the very thought of having someones breast pressed into her face.

"Oh, be nice, Audri. It was kind of funny, you know," Chevelle said, sticking her tounge out at Audri. Audri puffed out one tree and poked Chevelle's nose. "Ah," Chevelle exclaimed, waving her hands in front of her face. Chevelle and Audri both started giggling. "Don't poke my nose. It's my nose," Chevelle stated, pulling a third chair to the table and sitting down.

"Oh, come on, Chevelle, if you're gonna come here, expect to be poked. That's my thing," Audri said, taking another bite of her cheese cake. Cheruvet nodded her head in agreement.

"Well, I don't want my nose being poked, you poke-ist," Chevelle stated. The other two giggled some more.

"Really? 'Poke-ist'? Did you just make that up?" Audri asked, still giggling.

"Yes, I did," Chevelle answered, once more with a giggle adopting the little kid voice and attitude.[hr]

Audri sighed, walking into the Culinary Arts class. "I really don't wanna be here," she muttered to herself. The bell rang one second before she sat in her seat. She went through the motions of beginning class: getting up when instructed, greeting the teacher, and then resuming her seat.

"Alright, girls, today we'll be making a souffle. It's a very simple dish to make, I think even Ms. Ayashi will be able to get it right," the teacher stated. Audri groaned and puffed her cheeks.

"Is it really necessary to pick on me every day? We all know I'm hopeless in the kitchen," she stated below her breath. [hr]

[i]After the souflets come out of the oven...[/i]

"Please don't say anything..." Audri groaned as the teacher looked at her attempt. Every other girl had made theirs perfectly; Chevelle had even earned her seventy-eighth Golden Chef Star, which the teacher gave when your dish was particularly delicious or aesthetically pleasing. Audri, on the other hand, had yet to earn a single star, and this souffle wasn't helping at all. She had made it too hard, too low in the pan, and much too black to count as a souflet.

"I don't think I need to say anything," the teacher stated, looking Audri in the eye. She immediately walked off to examine the next girl's dish. Audri sighed, which seemed to cause the bell to ring. She slowly meandered out of the room, taking the time to dump her pitiful attempt at a souffle into the trash can.

"Audri, wait," Chevelle called. She ran to catch up with Audri, after placing her sticker on the display board. "I can help teach you how to do this stuff after school if you want," she offered. "I mean, since Ford is teaching Cheruvet to ride a horse, I can at least help you get a passing grade in Culinary Arts. Or do you want to have to take it again next year?"

"Okay, I'll let you waste your time on me," Audri groaned, sighing at the end. Chevelle gave her a huge smile and giggled loudly.

"Then I'll see you after school so we can get started," Chevelle said, running off to her third period class.

"Why do I think I'm gonna be bald by the time I'm able to pass that class?" Audri asked herself, walking off to her own class.[hr]

Cheruvet sat at her usual lunch table, waiting for Audri to show up; this was the first time Audri hadn't been waiting for her after class all year. Audri, Ford, and Chevelle walked through the door one after the other one minute after Cheruvet had sat down with her food. It was a couple more minutes before all three of them sat down around Cheruvet with their own food. "Hey, look at that, she can eat without be falling asleep every few seconds," Audri said seeing that Cheruvet had eatten some of her food.

"It helps when I don't have to wait until midnight to get to sleep," Cheruvet said.

"Audri, be nice," Chevelle told her.

"But I like picking on her. It's how I show affection," Audri chuckled.

"Yup, it really is," Cheruvet said quietly. "She's done it since we first met."

"Really? And you have never tried to get her to stop doing it?" Ford asked, sounding amused.

"Honestly, she's never attempted to make me stop picking on her. It's just how we work." Audri smiled. "I think she actually enjoys when I pick at her." Cheruvet smiled and blushed.

"You two behave in such a cute way," Ford said, smiling.

"And you still talk funny," Audri said. Ford shrugged her shoulders, taking another small bite of pizza.[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 7]

"Really?" Audri asked when Chevelle told her how they'd start their cooking lessons. "We're going to make rock candy?"

"Yes. I've seen you with the oven, so we'll start simple," Chevelle answered. "Just something that I know you can get right, and build up some confidence. Then we can move on to using the oven."

"Oh. I guess that's okay," Audri sighed.

"Don't be upset. You'll get it right, I know you will. You just need to build up some confidence, and this will help."

"Alright, let's just get on with it, okay?" Audri said, picking up one of the strings.

"Alright, now, I've already washed the jars and taped the measured string to pencils, so we can just get on with it," Chevelle stated, "All we have to do is attatch a paperclip to the string so it hands straight down." They both tied the string to one end of the hot pink paperclips Chevelle had selected. "Now, at this point, you want to wet the string, and then roll it in sugar." Audri watch as Chevelle followed her own instructions, and then repeated what she had seen. "Now, we have to bring two cups of water to a boil, and to do that, and we'll use a medium-sized pan to do that."
Bringing the water to a boil took a few minutes to do; each of them had their own pan of water. Chevelle instructed Audri to pour one cup of sugar into the water, and stir it until it was dissolved. "And remember, we want four cups of sugar dissolved into the water," Chevelle added. "Audri, do you want it to be colored?" She didn't, but Chevelle added three drops of purple food coloring to her mixture. Once Chevelle's color was stirred in, both pans were left to cool for about ten more minutes.
At that point, the water was poured into the jars, and the strings were left to hang approximately a single inch from the bottom of the jar. Both jars were placed in the fridge. "Remember, the tops of the jars should be loosely covered with plastic wrap," Chevelle instructed. [hr]

"Aren't you supposed to be in practice?" Cheruvet asked Ford when she walked into McDonald's.

"I was hoping I would be. The water main to the school broke during the day, and the track now is flooded, so practice will have to be cancelled until it can be fixed," Ford answered. "I am looking for a temporary place the team can practice at, but until I can find one, we will not be able to do anything. We have gained six new members during today, by the way."

"Oh, well... that's good..." Cheruvet said, voice shakey, face turning red.

"You are still so cute when you turn blushey," Ford said, giggling. Another customer walked in, so Ford ordered a four-piece McNugget meal and claimed a table. [hr]

"You've done really good, Audri," Chevelle said when she checked on the two candy jars three hours after they were placed in the refriderator.

"Really, now?" Audri asked, looking Chevelle's shoulder. "Looks like I did do pretty good, huh?"

"You did, and we can let the candy grow as large as we want," Chevelle told Audri. "At least, until it starts getting so big it grows into the side of the jar. That'd be bad." Audri smiled and giggled.

"Hey, you think Mrs. Tama would stop making fun of my cooking skills if I showed her this?"

"Probably not. She'd wanna see you make a souffle before that happens."

"And let me guess: It's gonna be a while before we get around to making those."

"Yeah. Don't worry, keep doing this good, and you'll be fine," Chevelle told her, kissing her cheek.

"Ummm..." Audri blinked several times before actually responding. "Thank you?" Chevelle giggled, jumping up and down. Audri laughed a little, covering her mouth with her hand to hide the fact Chevelle's reaction had made her smile. "Think we have enough time to try something a little more difficult than rock candy?"

"Maybe, let me think." Chevelle thought for several seconds. "No, nothing that I have the stuff to make right now. I'll bring you something else to make tomorrow, okay?"

"Aren't you supposed to be on the racing team, though?"

"I am on the team, but the track is flooded thanks to a water main break, and Ford is still looking for a place to practice while it's being fixed. So, until she can find one, I'll be able to come here and help you cook."

"Okay. Well, in that case, what do you wanna do for the rest of the say while I'm waiting for Cheruvet to get back?" [/spoiler]

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color][color=#000000]"Heartfelt" Review[/color][/font][/size]

[color=#ff0000]Hmm, I'm looking, I'm looking, nothing really interesting....[/color]

[color=#800080]Hey, Dante, you should come over here and look at this![/color]

[color=#ff0000]Not now, Lady, I'm busy...[/color]

[color=#800080]It's a whole horde of demons just waiting to be kicked to the curb![/color]

[color=#ff0000]Woah, really? I haven't seen a single demon since I stopped that incredibly boring boss in DMC4. Actually, I...umm...couldn't have done it without Nero...[/color]

[color=#800080]HA! Fooled ya. It's another Fan-Fic that someone wrote today. Apparently, this member Donovyn Mikara Gerra has made a "School Life" Fan-Fiction. Actually, this isn't this members' only Fan-Fic, as this person has written that Bleach Fan-Fic.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh...I see. So what should we do? We should really be hunting down Demons first.[/color]

[color=#800080]You can...spare a bit of time, can't ya?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Okay fine. No time like the present. But when this is all over, promise me you'll get your bazooka out and actually shoot stuff this time.[/color]

[color=#800080]Fine....[/color]

[i]"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" The crowd kept chanting the slim beauty's name. She was the first female ever to become president of the United States of America! [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Because that's totally not hard to do in today's society. What qualifications does she have that are different from Sarah Palin?[/color]

[color=#800080]...[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Just being honest. So, we have a Japanese girl's name...that is in America...who is running for President.......I'm confused.[/color]

[i]The crowd kept chanting as she held her pale arms out, embracing the public who had embraced her. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]That's a lot of hugs. The structure of this sentence is a bit off. People don't embrace the President, they look up to him/her. I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.[/color]

[i]"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" Suddenly she heard a loud crash, "Cheruvet!" she heard a single voice say sharply.[/i]
[i]She opened her eyes and looked around at her laughing classmates.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh, and here we finally get into a typical schoolgirl's life. I'm sure that the classmates were laughing because she was drooling all over her books are something.[/color]

[color=#800080]...[/color]

[i]Followed by her locking her grey eyes with the sharp green ones of the teacher who had slammed her hands on Cheruvet's desk, startling her into falling out of her chair. "Honestly, Cheruvet, are you getting enough sleep? That's the third time this week you've fallen asleep in my class," the not unattractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her. [/i]

[color=#800080]Not unattractive. It's just not formal writing to use a double negative. Instead, just "the attractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her."[/color]

[color=#ff0000]This girl likes to sleep a lot, doesn't she? I wonder if she is failing her classes just like all the rest of the people who fall asleep in class.[/color]

[i]"To top things off," she continued, "it's only Wednesday."[/i]
[i]Cheruvet lowered her head, her face turning red, and allowing her long raven hair to fall into her eyes. "Sorry, Mrs. T." she murmered.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]That's such an elaborate name. By the way, what does this girl look like. Is she hot?[/color]

[color=#800080]...[/color]

[color=#ff0000]You're awfully quiet all of a sudden, Lady. Is there something wrong?[/color]

[color=#800080]Nope, I just never realized that you would be acting this way about a typical schoolgirl.[/color]

[i]"Please get off the floor," Mrs. T. said, returning to her desk.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Now THAT is some REM sleep![/color]

[color=#800080]Can you stop being a heckler for once and actually contribute something to the progress of this story? We don't need a repeat incident of what happened last time![/color]

[i]"And try to keep in mind for the future that the uniform skirt is not as long as it could be." Cheruvet quickly stood up, her face turning a brighter shade of red. She straightened and dusted off her red plaid skirt, (which only decended to the middle of her thigh) and took her seat.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]The stuff in parenthesis is unnecessary, and should be replaced with commas. Also, you spelled "descended" wrong, which is not the best word to describe how the skirt "only reached to the middle of her thigh".[/color]

[i]A few of her class mates snickered, causing her to sink lower in her chair, hiding behind her text book.[/i]
[i]The school bell rang, prompting Cheruvet to grab her backpack and run out the door while the other students were still gathering their books.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Okay, it was pretty clear you meant to put a paragraph break here, because we are switching the time of the setting. I've seen a lot of Fan-Fics recently that fail to follow the issue of separation, so I'm not going to heckle about it here, but it just gets on my nerves sometimes.[/color]

[i]"There's only one reason you'd be moving that fast," another, tan-skinned girl said, emerging from a neighboring class. "And that would be that you fell asleep in class and then fell out of your chair."[/i]

[color=#ff0000]This girl is quite observant. I never realized that women could read minds.[/color]

[color=#800080]No, it's not that she read her mind. Perhaps this new girl has been hanging around Cheruvet for so long that the two are practically two peas in a pod.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Oh, really. Well, read my mind then.[/color]

[color=#800080]No thanks, I'd rather not.[/color]

[i]"You forgot the part where the teacher slapped her hands on my desk and scared me," Cheruvet answered. The other girl giggled at Cheruvet's response, brushing a hand through her auburn hair. "It's not funny Audri!" Cheruvet said defensivley. "All the girls could see up my skirt..."[/i]

[color=#ff0000]This is gonna seem like nitpicking, but at the end of the "It's not funny, Audri" statement that Cheruvet made, the statement should end with a comma, not an exclamation point, because you have a statement afterwards. I believe it is called P-A-D or something like that.[/color]

[color=#800080]It's D-P-A in this situation. Cheruvet started a Dialogue sequence, which was interrupted by the narrator saying something about the way Chevuret was talking, and then picked back up on the dialogue. It's more D-P-D, but there is no such thing. [/color]

[i]"Well, as Miss Tanaka says when someone falls asleep in her class: 'This is the Automata Institution for Girls, not a sleeping center,'" Audri said. Cheruvet groaned, puffing her lip out. "What are you doing at night, anyway? You fall asleep in class more often than usual. Even for you."[/i]

[color=#ff0000]I'm pretty sure you meant to seperate the action and the dialogue here, right? Must...resist......grabbing....sword........[/color]

[color=#800080]Right.......after Audri completed her statement, it is customary to break the paragraph for Cheruvet's action and the next batch of dialogue. Just for future reference.[/color]

"YOU KNOW WHAT I DO AT NIGHT!"

[color=#ff0000]Unncessary screaming is unnecessary. Yes, she is angry.....or bipolar....or just being a girl, I don't know, but all caps takes away from formal writing and butchers it completely.[/color]

[i]"We're roommates. My job at McDonald's, followed by a shift at Sonic. Then I get home and I have to make my own dinner," she said, narrowing her eyes on Audri.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]So....are they in Japan, or North America? Because I'm pretty sure that Sonic is just an American thing. Of course, if they were in America, why would you name your character Cheruvet?[/color]

[i]"Well, you get home late, and I'm no good at making enough to have leftovers. I either burn the food or don't cook it enough... and that's even if I only make enough for myself..." Cheruvet simply sighed.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Isn't that what cookbooks are for? Or did Cheruvet not sign up for any foods classes? Seriously, she is in a PRESITGIOUS Academy; don't you think she should be priviledged enough to pick her own classes or at least get a tutor or something? Also, this girl sounds incredibly selfish, keeping all of the food for herself.[/color]

[i]"Either way, I don't get to bed until midnight. And classes start at six. I really don't have much of a choice in how tired I am in school." [/i]

[color=#ff0000]I never sleep. How do you think I feel? I'm always killing demons and just as soon as I am about to get comfortable, another Demon is raiding Fortuna City again.[/color]

[color=#800080]What did I tell you about the nitpicking? [/color]

[color=#ff0000]Okay, fine.....whatever, Lady.[/color]

[i]The two friends finally made it to the head of the lunch line, being served a bowl of Macoroni and Cheese and a saucer of scrambled eggs. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Okay, so they are in America. Where the hell is my sword?[/color]

[i]"My brother is an inventor, and made enough money selling nick-nacks and stuff to send me here out of his own pocket," Audri answered, eating a few bites of her Mac and Cheese. Cheruvet allowed her head to hit the table. Audri poked her friend's head with her fork.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Wow, this girl certainly is lucky. Did Audri not even care that there might have been a piece of macaroni that might have gotten stuck in her friend's hair? Cheruvet really picks her friends wisely, right?[/color]

[i]"I wish I knew someone who could do that for me," Cheruvet said, sounding like she was five years old. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Maybe because she is.[/color]

[color=#800080]Heckling....[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Oh, yeah....moving on.[/color]

[i]"Nii-San[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Wait, so we ARE in Japan. What the hell? Americans don't know what that term means, so we obviously must be in Japan. That's it, I'm getting my boxing gloves and my kick edge.......I'm going all out on this......[/color]

[i]"Yes, but he has his hands full with you, I don't want to put him in a spot like that," Cheruvet groaned. She gingerly prodded her eggs, somewhat pouting.[/i]

[color=#800080]If she was groaning, it would already be implied that she was pouting and in a bad mood. The last sentence is unnecessary.[/color]

[i]"I swear, Cheruvet, you're impossible. You want someone to pay for you, but when someone offers, you turn them down. What exactly is it that you want?"[/i]

[color=#800080]I think I know where this is going. She's looking for "the right one". That sounds the cliche alarm.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]...[/color]

[color=#800080]You're suddenly very quiet, Dante.[/color]

[i]"The only person who's offered is Nii-San, and he's [b]aleady[/b] paying for you. I don't want him to end up in a debt he can't pay because of me. I know he has millions of dollars from selling his inventions to people, but still. This school isn't..." she trailed off, her head falling to the table. She [b]cae[/b] to rest with her arms stretched out across the table. Audri poked Cheruvet in the head with her fork again.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Bold. Sometimes, heckling is necessary. Who else is going to point these things out?[/color]

[color=#800080]Wow, school life is tough, hunh?[/color]

[i]"Aaaand, she's out," Audri stated to herself. She sighed, eatting some of her eggs. She gently dug the prongs of her fork into Cheruvet's cheek.[/i]

[color=#800080]Do you know how many germs that girl has just spread? Unbearable, I tell you....[/color]

[i]"Whatever it is I didn't do it!" Cheruvet said sharply, sitting up in a flash. Audri laughed, shaking her head.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]So she was dreaming in five seconds? That's a new record. By the way, this Audri friend isn't really sympathetic at all towards Cheruvet, is she? She's constantly poking her friend. I knew girls had some freaky obession with wanting to poke people, but I never knew it could be this.......bad....[/color]

[i]"Cheruvet, I don't know what you dream about when you drift off like that, but you [b]need to eat[/b] if you want to stay alive to have those wacky dreams of yours," Audri said, using her own fork to push Cheruvet's food toward her. Cheruvet yawned, taking in big chunks of eggs, and then alost choking on a too big bite of Macaroni and Cheese. "Slow down," Audri laughed, "The food waited this long, I don't think it's going anywhere."[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Bold. Water is essential, too. In fact, we depend more on water than food. Audri is not very smart, is she? She likes poking people, making fun of her best friend, and throws fact around which people know are false.[/color]

[i]Cheruvet gave Audri a "shut up" look.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]What does that even look like? Is it ? Or -.- ?[/color]

[color=#800080]Why do I even bother with you, Dante.....[/color]

[i]"Oh, come on. Just slow down and enjoy the food. It may not be a five star gourmet meal, but it has to be better than Hot Pockets and toast."[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Excuse me, but, ahem, Hot Pockets are the best things ever known to man or demon hunter. Scrambled Eggs could NOT compare to the awesomeness of Hot Pockets.[/color]

[color=#800080]....[/color]

[color=#ff0000]And now, Lady is the quiet one. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up for this.[/color]

[i]"Yes, it is. Anything is better than that," [/i]

[color=#ff0000]WHAT? HOW DARE YOU DISS MY HOT POCKETS!![/color]

[color=#800080]..........[/color]

[i]She took a smaller bite of Macaroni, and took her time chewing it.[/i] [i]"There see? It's much better than choking on it," [/i]

[color=#ff0000]I wanted to go back to my previous statement about how Cheruvet is acting like a five-year old. This further proves my point, because five-year olds need to be taught how to eat properly.[/color]

[color=#800080]How dense and idiotic can you get? Cheruvet is obviously stressed from lack of sleep, and Audri is helping her friend out in a bad time. At least, I think that's what it is.[/color]

[i]"There see? It's much better than choking on it," Audri stated. The two continued eatting in silence for several minutes. Audri finished her food first, and Cheruvet finishing hers almost a minute later. "[b]Where are you going to next?[/b]" Audri asked.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Even if it is a question, it still needs to end with a comma. Oh, sorry, that I wasn't supposed to nitpick....[/color]

[color=#800080]No, you're right, for once.......going back to the D-P-A clause, the dialogue is the "Where are you going next", while the Person is Audri commencing an action of "asking". All of these clauses have the same rule as far as punctuation and quotations go. [/color]

[i]"U.S. History," Cheruvet answered.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]I still don't know if these girls are in Japan or America.[/color]

[color=#800080]Does it really matter at this point? We probably won't get an answer because we are nearing the end of this Chapter. Maybe in the next few chapters or so, but for now, STOP NITPICKING![/color]

[i]"Snooze fest," Audri noted. "I have French. Not much better." [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Cette histoire est vraiment ennuyeuse. Bet you fifty bucks that the writer doesn't know what this means.[/color]

[color=#800080]You really are something, Dante.......[/color]

[i]The two girls let out a simultanious groan, lamenting their next classes. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]I thought school was supposed to be fun, exciting, and full of new challenges to face everyday. Whatever happened to that enthusiasm?[/color]

[i]The girls stood up and carried their dishes toward the door. Setting them on the return shelf, the two students stepped through the cafeteria door, and departed in different directions toward their different classes. [b]Cheruvet took until the next bell rang to get to her seat,[/b] which had been labeled with her name since the first day. She looked at the desk next to her, and noticed a name tag she hadn't seen yet.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]So not only is this girl an insomniac, she is also very dense and stupid. [/color]

[color=#800080]...........Couldn't have been more blatant, could you?[/color]
[color=#ff0000]Bold. She must also walk VEEERRRRRYYYYYY slowly, depending on how far away her next class is.[/color]

[i]"Sorry I'm late, had a bit of trouble finding the right room," a blonde haired girl stated, entering the room. She was neither tan nor pale, and claimed the name tag next to Cheruvet's seat. Cheruvet stole a sideways glance at the fairly tall girl next to her, and noticed that she was moving her lips silently, trying to pronounce her name. "Chr-oo-v-et" she finally settled on, and grabbed Cheruvet's attention with it.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Rule #144 of Fan-Fiction: If you want to your main character to be cool, use a name that is NOT hard to pronounce to the other sub-characters in the story. So far, I have zero interest in this girl and her colleagues.[/color]

[i]"Share-oo-vay," Cheruvet corrected her kindly.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]If I had a name like that, it would probably be butchered, too. Too bad "Dante" is a splendid name, don't you agree, Lady?[/color]

[color=#800080]I'm surprised you've made it this far without even contributing a single good word about this story. You know you are going to get flamed right?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Oh, whatever. Fighting humans isn't as fun as fighting Demons, because Demons come in hordes. Of course, if the entire pack of Moderators came, then that would be a challenge.[/color]

[color=#800080]HAHA! You crack me up. Well, see you in the next game....[/color]

[i]"Sorry. Henrietta Ford, but I prefer to go by my surname" the new girl said. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Isn't that the same girl from that anime "Gunslinger Girl"? There was a girl named Henrietta Ford in that anime. I'm beginning to see a connection here.[/color]

[color=#800080]Maybe the writer didn't know and it was not intended. Mistakes like that happen all of the time.[/color]

[i]"So, um, Share-oo-vay," she said, enunciating the proper pronunciation, "I was wondering if you could help me catch up after the day lets out." Cheruvet thought for a couple seconds. The teacher called the class to attention, and Cheruvet nodded. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Oooooh, I sense some high-tide drama about to unfold in the next few chapters, if we ever get around to that point. Plus, I still want to know if we are in America or Japan, that would REALLY be helpful.[/color]

[color=#800080]I look forward to actually reading this story. It's not quite as bad as some of the other ones I have read in times past.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Although, it still doesn't go on my list of "good".[/color]

[color=#800080]Uggh.....ignore him Mr./Mrs. Donovyn Mikara Gerra. Aside from a few minor nitpicks and spelling problems, this story was pretty good. It certainly qualifies as being "good" in my book, and you definitely have a reader in me. Wouldn't know about Dante, though.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Say, have you seen Trish around?[/color]

[color=#800080]Went to go and get pizza.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Oh, yea, awesome! Tonight, we celebrate another fantastic evening of reading and reviewing another Fan-Fic. This party's getting crazy![/color]

[Spirit of DMG]

And I thank you for the review. Umm... both of you.
As for if they're in America or Japan, it's actually America.
As for the names, Cheruvet is meant to be an original name.
And, as for Henrietta Ford...
I knew the main in Gunslinger Girl was named Henrietta. Didn't know her last name was Ford though.

[Desu the Blue Nerd]

I read this last night but it was a bit late to say anything. Unlike Devil I'm too lazy to nitpick at everything. or am I that skilled myself to be able to do that. *Took note of quite a bit of what he said for future reference.* But I did agree with a lot of it. Okay, pretty much everything. Especially the America or Japan thing. Apparently you said America but...nii-san? Really? Unless they love manga or anime or something da fuq?

It was not a bad thing to read. I got a bit of a kick when I was supposed to. The name and who wrote it really attracted me though. I came for you <3.

That was kind of creepy.

I think there's a bit of a hole...eh, maybe a few. Audri's brother is an inventor that sells knick knacks he makes to get Audri through school. What a sweet bro-wait, he's a millionaire now? Uh, okay. Now apparently a millionaire might have problems paying the highschool tuition of two girls but she can work at McDonald's and Sonic and get through with a few hours less sleep than she should get and miss dinner and just barely make it through. Ignoring the fact she works at two fast food places so doesn't get dinner. I guess she doesn't always want to waste her money. *Shrugs.*

Maybe a tad bit more character description would be nice too. We got two tan highschoolers, a not bad looking tan teacher, and a not tan but not pale girl with blonde hair. I could easily be missing some details here. I did say I read it last night. x_x

Oh, and can you space out paragraphs. Makes them easier to read if they're not so close.

As I said, the name is interesting and I'm still wondering what'll happen here. I give the first chapter 3/5. It's a first chapter though so I don't expect it to be too great but things do catch my interest. Although if this turns into there only ever being girls and they begin to talk about their periods, unless it's in an actually pretty funny way, I'm out.

[Phantom Roxas]

[b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]

[spoiler=So Last Century]Phantom Roxas is on to me. I suppose it was only a matter of time. It's all the Jen girl's fault. I can't eliminate her; that would turn Dan against me. He still has his purpose. And so does Roxas. He's unconscious, but I can't kill him now. Not while he still has his job to do.

[color=#008080]Michæl's universe and that mockery of Perseus Jackson's should be enough to satisfy you, my lord. Neither Michæl nor Jerry would be useful, anyway. However, you must settle down. Roxas' comrade has won yet another battle, but now is not the time for Roxas to learn the truth. We must wait until the proper moment. I can't recruit Tay when you're like this. I'm not sure how useful he will be, but he seems worth the effort.[/color]

[color=#008080]In the meantime, I suppose I shall stay here. It would allow me more time to study Roxas. But what should I review? There are far too many Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfics, and I desire some diversity.[/color]

[color=#008080]Perhaps I should critique the work of Devil's Advocate once more. It is odd, as I reviewed his Strike of the Heavens quite recently, but I suppose it will have to do. I must admit, I was rather harsh with that review. The story had potential, but it was not utilized as it should have. And yet here you are, aiming to follow the trend here that Crab Helmet has popularized. Tell me, what is the name of your ambitious review series?[/color]

[i]Going with Something Different: [color=#FF0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color][color=#000000]"Heartfelt" Review[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Adorable. I should mention that this is not Devil Advocate's first review. He has his own thread, which you can view [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/261528-going-with-something-different-devils-advocates-foe-fiction/"][color=#008080]here[/color][/url][color=#008080]. Of course, he only thought it necessary to post his first review there. However, reception to his initial review has been cold to say the least, so I'd like to review his latest review, which is of [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/262201-spontaneous-human-combustion-never-hurt-anybody-a-new-ff-from-the-author-of-bleach-masks-of-the-espada/"][color=#008080]"Spontaneous Human Combustion Never Hurt Anybody!"[/color][/url][color=#008080] The story is advertised as "A new FF from the Author of "Bleach: Masks of the Espada"!", who some of you may of you may recognized as [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/152170-donovyn-mikara-gerra/"][color=#008080]Donovyn Mikara Gerra[/color][/url][color=#008080]. I presume that that particularly story is over, but I shall not bother with it. It suggests that the author has a reputation behind them, so that may be a good thing.[/color]

[i]Hmm, I'm looking, I'm looking, nothing really interesting....[/i]

[i][color=#800080]Hey, Dante, you should come over here and look at this![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Not now, Lady, I'm busy...[/color]

[color=#800080]It's a whole horde of demons just waiting to be kicked to the curb![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Woah, really? I haven't seen a single demon since I stopped that incredibly boring boss in DMC4. Actually, I...umm...couldn't have done it without Nero...[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]So, here are our reviewers, Dante and "Lady". It would appear that Devil's Advocate has chosen a persona based on a video game series he loves, just like Phantom Roxas has, and this "Lady" has the same color of text as Jen. Interesting. What shall this babbling lead to?[/color]

[i]HA! Fooled ya. It's another Fan-Fic that someone wrote today. Apparently, this member Donovyn Mikara Gerra has made a "School Life" Fan-Fiction. Actually, this isn't this members' only Fan-Fic, as this person has written that Bleach Fan-Fic.[/i]

[i][color=#FF0000]Ahh...I see. So what should we do? We should really be hunting down Demons first.[/color]

[color=#800080]You can...spare a bit of time, can't ya?[/color][/i]

[i]Okay fine. No time like the present. But when this is all over, promise me you'll get your bazooka out and actually shoot stuff this time.[/i]

[i][color=#800080]Fine....[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Perhaps all my talking causes delays the fanfiction longer than it needs to, but I feel that such delays are necessary. I have business that I must tend to. I cannot say the same for Roxas, however.[/color]

[b][i]"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" The crowd kept chanting the slim beauty's name. She was the first female ever to become president of the United States of America! [/i][/b]

[color=#008080]A word of note: The bolded text shall be Donovyn's story.[/color]

[i]Because that's totally not hard to do in today's society. What qualifications does she have that are different from Sarah Palin?[/i]

[i][color=#800080]...[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Just being honest. So, we have a Japanese girl's name...that is in America...who is running for President.......I'm confused.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Well, I have heard that this Sarah Palin person is a joke, so your comment comes across as blatant sexism. I recall that Hillary Clinton ran for president, so the idea of a woman becoming president isn't as unlikely as you think it may be. Yes, "becoming" president. She has already won the election.[/color]

[color=#008080]"Cheruvet" is indeed an odd name, but it reminds me of your Chevrolet brand of cars. Just because a name sounds foreign to you does not automatically mean that it is Japanese. Yes, this is a school life story, but that doesn't mean that this is trying too hard to be like an anime... yet.[/color]

[color=#008080]Go on Google. "Cheruvet" actually results in a suggestion for the Chauvet Cave, which is actually French. Forget being an Asian name, our protagonists name is closer to something from an entirely different continent.[/color]

[color=#008080]Now, what's happening here is quite silly. Let's see what happens.[/color]

[b][i]The crowd kept chanting as she held her pale arms out, embracing the public who had embraced her. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]That's a lot of hugs. The structure of this sentence is a bit off. People don't embrace the President, they look up to him/her. I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.[/color][/i]

[b][i]"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" Suddenly she heard a loud crash, "Cheruvet!" she heard a single voice say sharply.[/i]
[i]She opened her eyes and looked around at her laughing classmates.[/i][/b]

[i]Ahh, and here we finally get into a typical schoolgirl's life. I'm sure that the classmates were laughing because she was drooling all over her books are something.[/i]

[i][color=#800080]...[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]No, it was just a nonsensical dream sequence. Why is it that author's feel that students must [i]never[/i] be decent students in school?[/color]

[color="#008080"]From what I can tell, Cheruvet is indeed a standard school girl, although Lady has thus far contributed little due to the review beyond remaining silent in response to Dante's sexism. Truly we have an admirable review series.[/color]

[b][i]Followed by her locking her grey eyes with the sharp green ones of the teacher who had slammed her hands on Cheruvet's desk, startling her into falling out of her chair. "Honestly, Cheruvet, are you getting enough sleep? That's the third time this week you've fallen asleep in my class," the not unattractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#800080]Not unattractive. It's just not formal writing to use a double negative. Instead, just "the attractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her."[/color][/i]

[i][color=#FF0000]This girl likes to sleep a lot, doesn't she? I wonder if she is failing her classes just like all the rest of the people who fall asleep in class.[/color][/i]

[b][i][i]"To top things off," she continued, "it's only Wednesday."[/i][/i][/b]
[i][b][i]Cheruvet lowered her head, her face turning red, and allowing her long raven hair to fall into her eyes. "Sorry, Mrs. T." she murmered.[/i][/b]

[color=#FF0000]That's such an elaborate name. By the way, what does this girl look like. Is she hot?[/color]

[color=#800080]...[/color]

[color=#FF0000]You're awfully quiet all of a sudden, Lady. Is there something wrong?[/color]

[color=#800080]Nope, I just never realized that you would be acting this way about a typical schoolgirl.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]That and your comments have almost entirely consisted of sexism. I have little hope that you'll change that pattern at the rate you've been going, so I'll just leave it at that. Besides, "Mrs. T" is acceptable as a nickname…[/color]

[i][b][i]"Please get off the floor," Mrs. T. said, returning to her desk.[/i][/b][/i]

[color=#008080]…Except when the narration insists on referring to her by that as well without saying what her real name is.[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]Now THAT is some REM sleep![/color]

[color=#800080]Can you stop being a heckler for once and actually contribute something to the progress of this story? We don't need a repeat incident of what happened last time![/color][/i]

[color=#008080]About time you stood up for yourself, Lady. So far the most interesting thing about this review is that Dante has made an ass of himself before.[/color]

[b][i]"And try to keep in mind for the future that the uniform skirt is not as long as it could be." Cheruvet quickly stood up, her face turning a brighter shade of red. She straightened and dusted off her red plaid skirt, (which only decended to the middle of her thigh) and took her seat.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]The stuff in parenthesis is unnecessary, and should be replaced with commas. Also, you spelled "descended" wrong, which is not the best word to describe how the skirt "only reached to the middle of her thigh".[/color][/i]

[color=#008080][i]I for one prefer hyphens to parentheses, and "descended" is an acceptable word.[/i][/color]

[b][i]A few of her class mates snickered, causing her to sink lower in her chair, hiding behind her text book.[/i]
[i]The school bell rang, prompting Cheruvet to grab her backpack and run out the door while the other students were still gathering their books.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Okay, it was pretty clear you meant to put a paragraph break here, because we are switching the time of the setting. I've seen a lot of Fan-Fics recently that fail to follow the issue of separation, so I'm not going to heckle about it here, but it just gets on my nerves sometimes.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]No, the school bell rang as soon as she sank into her chair.[/color]

[b][i]"There's only one reason you'd be moving that fast," another, tan-skinned girl said, emerging from a neighboring class. "And that would be that you fell asleep in class and then fell out of your chair."[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]This girl is quite observant. I never realized that women could read minds.[/color]

[color=#800080]No, it's not that she read her mind. Perhaps this new girl has been hanging around Cheruvet for so long that the two are practically two peas in a pod.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, really. Well, read my mind then.[/color]

[color=#800080]No thanks, I'd rather not.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]What exactly has Dante even contribute to this review as of yet?[/color]

[b][i]"You forgot the part where the teacher slapped her hands on my desk and scared me," Cheruvet answered. The other girl giggled at Cheruvet's response, brushing a hand through her auburn hair. "It's not funny Audri!" Cheruvet said defensivley. "All the girls could see up my skirt..."[/i][/b]

[color=#008080]Really? She's complaining about how the girls could see up her skirt? Shouldn't her undergarments be obscured a bit more because her skirt fell down a bit?[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]This is gonna seem like nitpicking,[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Because it will be.[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]but at the end of the "It's not funny, Audri" statement that Cheruvet made, the statement should end with a comma, not an exclamation point, because you have a statement afterwards. I believe it is called P-A-D or something like that.[/color]

[color=#800080]It's D-P-A in this situation. Cheruvet started a Dialogue sequence, which was interrupted by the narrator saying something about the way Chevuret was talking, and then picked back up on the dialogue. It's more D-P-D, but there is no such thing. [/color][/i]

[color=#008080]She said two separate sentences. I think that should be excusable. And Lady, how could you possibly get Cheruvet's name both right [i]and[/i] wrong in the same sentence?[/color]

[b][i]"Well, as Miss Tanaka says when someone falls asleep in her class: 'This is the Automata Institution for Girls, not a sleeping center,'" Audri said. Cheruvet groaned, puffing her lip out. "What are you doing at night, anyway? You fall asleep in class more often than usual. Even for you."[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]I'm pretty sure you meant to seperate the action and the dialogue here, right? Must...resist......grabbing....sword........[/color][/i]


[i][color=#800080]Right.......after Audri completed her statement, it is customary to break the paragraph for Cheruvet's action and the next batch of dialogue. Just for future reference.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Except Audri continued to talk after Cheruvet groaned, so a paragraph break would have actually been more confusing.[/color]

[i][b]"YOU KNOW WHAT I DO AT NIGHT!"[/b][/i]

[i][color=#FF0000]Unncessary screaming is unnecessary. Yes, she is angry.....or bipolar....or just being a girl,[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Why do you still breathe?[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]I don't know, but all caps takes away from formal writing and butchers it completely.[/color][/i]

[b][i]"We're roommates. My job at McDonald's, followed by a shift at Sonic. Then I get home and I have to make my own dinner," she said, narrowing her eyes on Audri.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]So....are they in Japan, or North America? Because I'm pretty sure that Sonic is just an American thing. Of course, if they were in America, why would you name your character Cheruvet?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Perhaps she moved to America from France?[/color]

[b][i]"Well, you get home late, and I'm no good at making enough to have leftovers. I either burn the food or don't cook it enough... and that's even if I only make enough for myself..." Cheruvet simply sighed.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Isn't that what cookbooks are for? Or did Cheruvet not sign up for any foods classes? Seriously, she is in a PRESITGIOUS Academy; don't you think she should be priviledged enough to pick her own classes or at least get a tutor or something? Also, this girl sounds incredibly selfish, keeping all of the food for herself.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]It was actually Audri (Amusingly, you have yet to comment on how her name does not the more common spelling of "Audrey") who is poor at cooking, though I can understand the confusion because Cheruvet sighs immediately after the dialogue, with the only indication that Audri says this line is that someone else talks after Cheruvet, and no one else is present.[/color]

[color=#008080]In any case, Audri just said she can barely make enough food for herself. Cheruvet's actually rather selfish for getting angry at Audri for barely making food for herself when Cheruvet works at two fast food restaurant. Sure, it is not the ideal dinner, but she has better access to food than Audri.[/color]

[b][i]"Either way, I don't get to bed until midnight. And classes start at six. I really don't have much of a choice in how tired I am in school." [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]I never sleep. How do you think I feel? I'm always killing demons and just as soon as I am about to get comfortable, another Demon is raiding Fortuna City again.[/color]

[color=#800080]What did I tell you about the nitpicking? [/color]

[color=#FF0000]Okay, fine.....whatever, Lady.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]That doesn't even begin to count as nitpicking. That's just a pointless bit of dialogue meant to remind us that, yes, Devil's Advocate persona in these reviews is meant to be reminiscent of the same Dante from Devil May Cry. Last I heard, he had slain that fool Mateus Palamecia with the help of a few brutes.[/color]

[b][i]The two friends finally made it to the head of the lunch line, being served a bowl of Macoroni and Cheese and a saucer of scrambled eggs. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Okay, so they are in America. Where the hell is my sword?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Because this can't just be some fictional school in [s]France[/s] Japan that just happens to serve macaroni and cheese.[/color]

[b][i]"My brother is an inventor, and made enough money selling nick-nacks and stuff to send me here out of his own pocket," Audri answered, eating a few bites of her Mac and Cheese. Cheruvet allowed her head to hit the table. Audri poked her friend's head with her fork.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Wow, this girl certainly is lucky. Did Audri not even care that there might have been a piece of macaroni that might have gotten stuck in her friend's hair? Cheruvet really picks her friends wisely, right?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Because the fact that Audri's brother is a very devoted older brother [i]and[/i] an inventor is unremarkable. Clearly Audri's comedic attempt at cheering her up is unworthy of note.[/color]

[b][i]"I wish I knew someone who could do that for me," Cheruvet said, sounding like she was five years old. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Maybe because she is.[/color]

[color=#800080]Heckling....[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, yeah....moving on.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]No, Lady doesn't just use the same color as Jen. She is a blatant attempt at replicating Jen's behavior in the last Divination. I'm rather puzzled that Jen acted so differently, actually. She typically went on and on about passion[/color][color=#FF0000].[/color]

[b][i]"Nii-San[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Wait, so we ARE in Japan. What the hell? Americans don't know what that term means, so we obviously must be in Japan. That's it, I'm getting my boxing gloves and my kick edge.......I'm going all out on this......[/color][/i]

[url="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GratuitousJapanese"][color=#008080]Ahem.[/color][/url]

[color=#008080]Incidentally, you removed a part of the story that follows that line.[/color]

[i][b]has offered to pay for you several times, you know."[/b][/i]

[color=#008080]That will of course be relevant down the line.[/color]

[b][i]"Yes, but he has his hands full with you, I don't want to put him in a spot like that," Cheruvet groaned. She gingerly prodded her eggs, somewhat pouting.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#800080]If she was groaning, it would already be implied that she was pouting and in a bad mood. The last sentence is unnecessary.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Actually, it is necessary. She groaned, thus making a sound. The pouting shows a change in her expression, and the light prodding of her food paints a clearer picture of her depression.[/color]

[color=#008080]I am absolutely amazed that I had to point that out.[/color]

[b][i]"I swear, Cheruvet, you're impossible. You want someone to pay for you, but when someone offers, you turn them down. What exactly is it that you want?"[/i][/b]

[i][color=#800080]I think I know where this is going. She's looking for "the right one". That sounds the cliche alarm.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]...[/color]

[color=#800080]You're suddenly very quiet, Dante.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Are you also attempting to replicate the role reversal performed by Jen? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.[/color]

[b][i]"The only person who's offered is Nii-San, and he's [u][b]aleady[/b][/u] paying for you. I don't want him to end up in a debt he can't pay because of me. I know he has millions of dollars from selling his inventions to people, but still. This school isn't..." she trailed off, her head falling to the table. She [u][b]cae[/b][/u] to rest with her arms stretched out across the table. Audri poked Cheruvet in the head with her fork again.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Bold. Sometimes, heckling is necessary. Who else is going to point these things out?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I've simply underlined the spelling errors that Devil's Advocate pointed out. [/color]

[i][color=#800080]Wow, school life is tough, hunh?[/color][/i]

[b][i]"Aaaand, she's out," Audri stated to herself. She sighed, eatting some of her eggs. She gently dug the prongs of her fork into Cheruvet's cheek.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#800080]Do you know how many germs that girl has just spread? Unbearable, I tell you....[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]The fact that Cheruvet is not disturbed by what Audri did is disturbing in and of itself.[/color]

[b][i]"Whatever it is I didn't do it!" Cheruvet said sharply, sitting up in a flash. Audri laughed, shaking her head.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]So she was dreaming in five seconds? That's a new record. By the way, this Audri friend isn't really sympathetic at all towards Cheruvet, is she? She's constantly poking her friend. I knew girls had some freaky obession with wanting to poke people, but I never knew it could be this.......bad....[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]And here is were that missing line is important. She was simply trying to wake up Cheruvet, and she [i]is[/i] sympathetic, as evidenced by reminding her that Audri's brother is willing to help out. I'm surprised you haven't pointed out the rather obvious romantic potential that presents.[/color]

[b][i]"Cheruvet, I don't know what you dream about when you drift off like that, but you [u][b]need to eat[/b][/u] if you want to stay alive to have those wacky dreams of yours," Audri said, using her own fork to push Cheruvet's food toward her. Cheruvet yawned, taking in big chunks of eggs, and then alost choking on a too big bite of Macaroni and Cheese. "Slow down," Audri laughed, "The food waited this long, I don't think it's going anywhere."[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Bold. Water is essential, too. In fact, we depend more on water than food. Audri is not very smart, is she? She likes poking people, making fun of her best friend, and throws fact around which people know are false.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I simply cannot believe that you went that far with the nitpicking. Eating food is essential, and relying entirely on water could actually be rather bad for you humans.[/color]

[b][i]Cheruvet gave Audri a "shut up" look.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]What does that even look like? Is it ? Or -.- ?[/color]

[color=#800080]Why do I even bother with you, Dante.....[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Was Lady also Dante's favorite character in a particular story?[/color]

[b][i]"Oh, come on. Just slow down and enjoy the food. It may not be a five star gourmet meal, but it has to be better than Hot Pockets and toast."[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Excuse me, but, ahem, Hot Pockets are the best things ever known to man or demon hunter. Scrambled Eggs could NOT compare to the awesomeness of Hot Pockets.[/color]

[color=#800080]....[/color]

[color=#FF0000]And now, Lady is the quiet one. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up for this.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Lady has been the quiet one for most of this. And no, you shouldn't have signed up for this if you insist on focusing so little on the actual story.[/color]

[b][i]"Yes, it is. Anything is better than that," [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]WHAT? HOW DARE YOU DISS MY HOT POCKETS!![/color]

[color=#800080]..........[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I read the original story before I read this review. I am currently debating whether or not the story is warming up to me or if this review makes it look far better than it actually is.[/color]

[b][i]She took a smaller bite of Macaroni, and took her time chewing it.[/i] [i]"There see? It's much better than choking on it," [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]I wanted to go back to my previous statement about how Cheruvet is acting like a five-year old. This further proves my point, because five-year olds need to be taught how to eat properly.[/color]

[color=#800080]How dense and idiotic can you get? Cheruvet is obviously stressed from lack of sleep, and Audri is helping her friend out in a bad time. At least, I think that's what it is.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Thank you, Lady. Once more you have restored what little faith I had in this review, for all that's worth.[/color]

[b][i]"There see? It's much better than choking on it," Audri stated. The two continued eatting in silence for several minutes. Audri finished her food first, and Cheruvet finishing hers almost a minute later. "[u][b]Where are you going to next?[/b][/u]" Audri asked.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Even if it is a question, it still needs to end with a comma. Oh, sorry, that I wasn't supposed to nitpick....[/color]

[color=#800080]No, you're right, for once.......going back to the D-P-A clause, the dialogue is the "Where are you going next", while the Person is Audri commencing an action of "asking". All of these clauses have the same rule as far as punctuation and quotations go. [/color][/i]

[color=#008080]No. I am not even going to begin to explain how wrong you are. I have more important matters to intend to, and I am certain that they require less effort than it does to convince you that you are wrong.[/color]

[b][i]"U.S. History," Cheruvet answered.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]I still don't know if these girls are in Japan or America.[/color]

[color=#800080]Does it really matter at this point? We probably won't get an answer because we are nearing the end of this Chapter. Maybe in the next few chapters or so, but for now, STOP NITPICKING![/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I for one am fine with the possibility than Cheruvet is French, which you still have failed to consider.[/color]

[b][i]"Snooze fest," Audri noted. "I have French. Not much better." [/i][/b]

[color=#008080]See? Donovyn acknowledges the existence of France. Can you?[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]Cette histoire est vraiment ennuyeuse. Bet you fifty bucks that the writer doesn't know what this means.[/color]

[color=#800080]You really are something, Dante.......[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I'll bet your very existence that you simply went online and entered "This story is really boring" on an online translator. And yes, I just did the same thing. English is one of the more common languages in all universes. I find it unnecessary to become well-versed in other languages.[/color]

[color=#008080]As for the story, it is admittedly rather uneventful. From what we can tell, this is supposed to be a slice of life story. There's nothing wrong with that, but there must at least be something in their lives that we want to care to follow.[/color]

[b][i]The two girls let out a simultanious groan, lamenting their next classes. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]I thought school was supposed to be fun, exciting, and full of new challenges to face everyday. Whatever happened to that enthusiasm?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]You teenagers have a term called "senioritis", correct? Perhaps that it is the case here.[/color]

[b][i]The girls stood up and carried their dishes toward the door. Setting them on the return shelf, the two students stepped through the cafeteria door, and departed in different directions toward their different classes. [b][u]Cheruvet took until the next bell rang to get to her seat,[/u][/b] which had been labeled with her name since the first day. She looked at the desk next to her, and noticed a name tag she hadn't seen yet.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]So not only is this girl an insomniac, she is also very dense and stupid. [/color]

[color=#800080]...........Couldn't have been more blatant, could you?[/color]
[color=#FF0000]Bold. She must also walk VEEERRRRRYYYYYY slowly, depending on how far away her next class is.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]There is nothing to say here. This whole scene is quite ridiculous, actually.[/color]

[b][i]"Sorry I'm late, had a bit of trouble finding the right room," a blonde haired girl stated, entering the room. She was neither tan nor pale, and claimed the name tag next to Cheruvet's seat. Cheruvet stole a sideways glance at the fairly tall girl next to her, and noticed that she was moving her lips silently, trying to pronounce her name. "Chr-oo-v-et" she finally settled on, and grabbed Cheruvet's attention with it.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Rule #144 of Fan-Fiction: If you want to your main character to be cool, use a name that is NOT hard to pronounce to the other sub-characters in the story. So far, I have zero interest in this girl and her colleagues.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Once again, her name is foreign. Can you even properly pronounce that French sentence you wrote? If you mess up on your first try, then you immediately lose the right to complain about pronunciations.[/color]

[b][i]"Share-oo-vay," Cheruvet corrected her kindly.[/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]If I had a name like that, it would probably be butchered, too. Too bad "Dante" is a splendid name, don't you agree, Lady?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Dante Alighieri was a famous poet that wrote the Divine Comedy, one of the most influential epics of all time. I find that more notable than the Dante you are more familiar with.[/color]

[i][color=#800080]I'm surprised you've made it this far without even contributing a single good word about this story. You know you are going to get flamed right?[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I prefer "constructive criticism".[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]Oh, whatever. Fighting humans isn't as fun as fighting Demons, because Demons come in hordes. Of course, if the entire pack of Moderators came, then that would be a challenge.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]My master is an entity far beyond your very comprehension. I highly doubt that even Roxas, a Super Moderator I might add, stands a chance against him.[/color]

[i][color=#800080]HAHA! You crack me up. Well, see you in the next game....[/color][/i]

[b][i]"Sorry. Henrietta Ford, but I prefer to go by my surname" the new girl said. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Isn't that the same girl from that anime "Gunslinger Girl"? There was a girl named Henrietta Ford in that anime. I'm beginning to see a connection here.[/color]

[color=#800080]Maybe the writer didn't know and it was not intended. Mistakes like that happen all of the time.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Apparently this was indeed a mistake, although Donovyn simply was unaware that both shared the same surname.[/color]

[b][i]"So, um, Share-oo-vay," she said, enunciating the proper pronunciation, "I was wondering if you could help me catch up after the day lets out." Cheruvet thought for a couple seconds. The teacher called the class to attention, and Cheruvet nodded. [/i][/b]

[i][color=#FF0000]Oooooh, I sense some high-tide drama about to unfold in the next few chapters, if we ever get around to that point. Plus, I still want to know if we are in America or Japan, that would REALLY be helpful.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Donovyn said in response that this takes places in America. Cheruvet is also apparently an original name, but I still think it sounds rather French.[/color]

[i][color=#800080]I look forward to actually reading this story. It's not quite as bad as some of the other ones I have read in times past.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Although, it still doesn't go on my list of "good".[/color]

[color=#800080]Uggh.....ignore him Mr./Mrs. Donovyn Mikara Gerra.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Donovyn, judging by their supposedly accurate profile, is male.[/color]

[i][color=#800080]Aside from a few minor nitpicks and spelling problems, this story was pretty good. It certainly qualifies as being "good" in my book, and you definitely have a reader in me. Wouldn't know about Dante, though.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]I would only recommend following this to see if an actual plot establishes itself. Right now, I can't say I care for any of the characters. There is certainly potential, but Donovyn seems too afraid to tap into that, and that hurts the story.[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]Say, have you seen Trish around?[/color]

[color=#800080]Went to go and get pizza.[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]Ah, so there is a third member of our cast. As it turns out, Lady is simply yet another character from Devil May Cry, as well as Trish. So yes, this is a Devil May Cry themed fanfic review series. From what I know, not even Roxas is familiar with the series. I'll leave it to the fans to rate how accurate the portrayal of these characters.[/color]

[i][color=#FF0000]Oh, yea, awesome! Tonight, we celebrate another fantastic evening of reading and reviewing another Fan-Fic. This party's getting crazy![/color] [/i]

[color=#008080]Sorry, but I shall have to leave early.[/color]

[color=#008080]I must commend you for trying Devil's Advocate, but that is not enough. A majority of your complaints were either nitpicks or ridiculous conclusions. Perhaps I am being a hypocrite when I say that, but I feel that acknowledging one's flaws is a step towards improving upon them. You had Lady point out Dante's nitpicking, and yet you continued with that.[/color]

[color=#008080]Roxas is waking up. I must hurry.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]Jen, get in here![/color]

[color=#800080]What is it?[/color]

[color=#008080]I can see that you've calmed down, master. I'm off to gather another recruit.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Ugh... what happened?[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]You were asleep.[/color]

[color="#0000CD"]...[/color]

[color=#800080]I-I'm sorry, Roxas! Um, I hope you're not hurt too bad…[/color]

[color="#0000CD"]I'll be fine, but it looks like that Votek guy was just here. He wrote another Divination. I feel bad for that Devil's Advocate go for getting ragged on that guy twice. He doesn't seem like that bad of an author.[/color]

[color=#800080]He has a passion, Roxas! Of course you should feel bad.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]I almost missed you going on about passion.[/color]

[color="#0000CD"]And it looks like you continued where I left off on that Distant Memories story. I'm surprised that you're such a hypocrite.[/color]

[color=#800080]Well, after I read that Votek guy's Divinations with Dan, something felt a bit off, so I went to talk with Dan. Apparently he's known that Yumi guy for a while.[/color]

[color="#0000CD"]So?[/color]

[color=#800080]Yumi was from a different story, remember?[/color]

[color="#0000CD"]I know that. That does bug me, but I thought that Yumi somehow went to Dan's universe like how you and Blake somehow found your way here.[/color]

[color=#800080]No! Dan says he's been friends with Yumi since before the events you saw![/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]How is that possible?[/color]

[color=#800080]What do you think we should do?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]It's simple. We have to beat him at his own game.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]What are you suggesting?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]He's recruiting the protagonists from the stories we've reviewed, so we'll have to do the same.[/color]

[color=#800080]So we're going after Tay, then?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]No. It sounds like Votek is going after him already, and we can't risk an encounter with Votek.[/color]

[color="#2F4F4F"]So we're going after my first story, then?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Yes, Blake. We're going to recruit Ven Hawk.[/color][/spoiler]

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1315463646' post='5499699']
[b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]
[/quote]

Ahh, if it isn't the lovely and respected Phantom Roxas, gracing us with his presence. I take it that you are (almost) done with this Divinations Series then? Well, that is just fantastic. I look forward to reading up on more of those splendid stories and mishaps and whatnot. But to focus on the now, I shall, as always, provide my responses to your review of my review of the story.

[spoiler='Responses'][color=#008080]No, it was just a nonsensical dream sequence. Why is it that author's feel that students must [i]never[/i] be decent students in school?[/color]

It must be tradition that the main character is a sleeper/dropout from high school/flunk. I think the most pertinent example that comes to mind is Kekkaishi, where the main character is ALWAYS sleeping. It must be that Fan-Fic wrtiers nowadays are leeching at that tradition.

[color=#008080]That and your comments have almost entirely consisted of sexism. I have little hope that you'll change that pattern at the rate you've been going, so I'll just leave it at that. [/color]

Dante is meant to be a jerk and a heckler, because that is his personality. Since you are not familiar with the DMC series, I shall leave it at that. Oh, I didn't mean to copy your last sentence, by the way.

[color=#008080]She said two separate sentences. I think that should be excusable. And Lady, how could you possibly get Cheruvet's name both right [i]and[/i] wrong in the same sentence?[/color]

Spelling error on Lady's part.

[color=#008080]Why do you still breathe?[/color]

Because if Dante wasn't here, Capcom would go out of business, eventually crashing the world's economy and leaving us to be stranded on a desolate wasteland where we amuse ourselves by playing an old 2D game of different Japanese/Korean 8-bit characters beating the crap out of each other.

Worst-case Scenario.

[color=#008080]Are you also attempting to replicate the role reversal performed by Jen? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.[/color]

I apologize. I was not aware that I used the same font color as one of YOUR characters from YOUR review series. And again, I apologize if Lady's behavior reflected......Jen was it?

[color=#008080]No. I am not even going to begin to explain how wrong you are. I have more important matters to intend to, and I am certain that they require less effort than it does to convince you that you are wrong.[/color]

[url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/107949-ycm-official-compiled-guides-of-fiction/."]http://forum.yugiohc...es-of-fiction/.[/url] Dialogue sub-heading.

[color=#008080]Once again, her name is foreign. Can you even properly pronounce that French sentence you wrote? If you mess up on your first try, then you immediately lose the right to complain about pronunciations.[/color]

I have actually taken French for 2 years when I was in High School. I probably wouldn't be able to carry on a fluent conversation, but I know how to pronounce the sentence with about......90% accuracy (I don't want to sound too arrogant).

[color=#008080]Donovyn said in response that this takes places in America. Cheruvet is also apparently an original name, but I still think it sounds rather French.[/color]

I did not realize that the name was French. I'm more used to seeing Jean Jacques (I still don't know how to make accents on this dang thing), Florence, and Napoleon. However, it doesn't matter because the name is original.

[color=#008080]I must commend you for trying Devil's Advocate, but that is not enough. A majority of your complaints were either nitpicks or ridiculous conclusions. Perhaps I am being a hypocrite when I say that, but I feel that acknowledging one's flaws is a step towards improving upon them. You had Lady point out Dante's nitpicking, and yet you continued with that.[/color]

You can only get better.......I hope........

[spoiler='An interesting story']
[color=#008080]Roxas is waking up. I must hurry.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]Jen, get in here![/color]

[color=#800080]What is it?[/color]

[color=#008080]I can see that you've calmed down, master. I'm off to gather another recruit.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Ugh... what happened?[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]You were asleep.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]...[/color]

[color=#800080]I-I'm sorry, Roxas! Um, I hope you're not hurt too bad…[/color]

[color=#0000CD]I'll be fine, but it looks like that Votek guy was just here. He wrote another Divination. I feel bad for that Devil's Advocate go for getting ragged on that guy twice. He doesn't seem like that bad of an author.[/color]

[color=#800080]He has a passion, Roxas! Of course you should feel bad.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]I almost missed you going on about passion.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]And it looks like you continued where I left off on that Distant Memories story. I'm surprised that you're such a hypocrite.[/color]

[color=#800080]Well, after I read that Votek guy's Divinations with Dan, something felt a bit off, so I went to talk with Dan. Apparently he's known that Yumi guy for a while.[/color]

[color=#0000CD]So?[/color]

[color=#800080]Yumi was from a different story, remember?[/color]

[color=#0000CD]I know that. That does bug me, but I thought that Yumi somehow went to Dan's universe like how you and Blake somehow found your way here.[/color]

[color=#800080]No! Dan says he's been friends with Yumi since before the events you saw![/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]How is that possible?[/color]

[color=#800080]What do you think we should do?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]It's simple. We have to beat him at his own game.[/color]

[color=#2f4f4f]What are you suggesting?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]He's recruiting the protagonists from the stories we've reviewed, so we'll have to do the same.[/color]

[color=#800080]So we're going after Tay, then?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]No. It sounds like Votek is going after him already, and we can't risk an encounter with Votek.[/color]

[color=#2F4F4F]So we're going after my first story, then?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Yes, Blake. We're going to recruit Ven Hawk.[/color]

[/spoiler][/spoiler]

[Lt. Colonel Remo]

[quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1315463646' post='5499699']
[i][color=#800080]...[/color][/i]

[color=#008080]No, it was just a nonsensical dream sequence. Why is it that author's feel that students must [i]never[/i] be decent students in school?[/color]

[/quote]
Actually

There's Light Yagami

>=Y

[Phantom Roxas]

Well, I meant fanfic writers.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

Also, I should have put this in my review, but the thought never really crossed my mind at the time.

Why is the title called "Spontaneous Human Combustion Never Hurt Anybody?" Are we expecting one of the main characters to go up in flames sometime soon?

[CrabHelmet]

STOP

HELMETTIME

[spoiler='Responses To The Responses To The Review Of The Review'][i][color=#008080]No, it was just a nonsensical dream sequence. Why is it that author's feel that students must never be decent students in school?[/color]

It must be tradition that the main character is a sleeper/dropout from high school/flunk. I think the most pertinent example that comes to mind is Kekkaishi, where the main character is ALWAYS sleeping. It must be that Fan-Fic wrtiers nowadays are leeching at that tradition.[/i]

In other words: "Why are all main characters bad students?" "Because all main characters are bad students." Yeah, brilliant response there, champ. That really added a lot to the conversation.

[i][color=#008080]That and your comments have almost entirely consisted of sexism. I have little hope that you'll change that pattern at the rate you've been going, so I'll just leave it at that. [/color]

Dante is meant to be a jerk and a heckler, because that is his personality. Since you are not familiar with the DMC series, I shall leave it at that. Oh, I didn't mean to copy your last sentence, by the way.[/i]

Criticism: "Your comments are sexist and contribute nothing."
Response: "But they're supposed to be sexist and they're supposed to contribute nothing!"

Here's the thing: you wrote and posted the review. If you wrote and posted the review, there should be something of value for other people to read there. If you just spend the whole time being a moron, then whether you meant to be a moron or not is irrelevant; you still failed as a reviewer and you still wasted the time of anyone unfortunate enough to read the nonsense you wrote.

[i][color=#008080]She said two separate sentences. I think that should be excusable. And Lady, how could you possibly get Cheruvet's name both right and wrong in the same sentence?[/color]

Spelling error on Lady's part.[/i]

Really? The spelling error was a spelling error? Wow, I'm so glad you typed up these responses, because they're really contributing so much to the discussion.

Except, wait, it wasn't [b]your[/b] spelling error, it was [b]Lady's[/b] spelling error! You knew what you were doing, but the character Lady (who is a very deep and nuanced character) made the mistake in-universe, so you deliberately inserted that spelling error into your review in order to add that extra piece of character development and social commentary! You didn't screw up; Lady screwed up, and you're an artistic genius! Of course!

Yeah, stop trying to blame the awfulness of your "review" on your characters. You chose the characters, you failed to provide the slightest insightful commentary, and you are a screwup whose writings make the average fanfic here look worth reading by comparison.

[i][color=#008080]Why do you still breathe?[/color]

Because if Dante wasn't here, Capcom would go out of business, eventually crashing the world's economy and leaving us to be stranded on a desolate wasteland where we amuse ourselves by playing an old 2D game of different Japanese/Korean 8-bit characters beating the crap out of each other.

Worst-case Scenario.[/i]

Yeah, you're hilarious. You know, these responses - made by you out-of-character, not by "Dante" and "Lady", so you don't even have that pathetic excuse for a pathetic excuse to hide behind - are pretty much the same as your actual review. In lieu of saying anything of the slightest value, you type random nonsense and pass it off as comedy.

[i][color=#008080]Are you also attempting to replicate the role reversal performed by Jen? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.[/color]

I apologize. I was not aware that I used the same font color as one of YOUR characters from YOUR review series. And again, I apologize if Lady's behavior reflected......Jen was it?[/i]

Don't worry, it's not like she did enough to have anything that could constitute "behavior" of any sort.

[i][color=#008080]No. I am not even going to begin to explain how wrong you are. I have more important matters to intend to, and I am certain that they require less effort than it does to convince you that you are wrong.[/color]

[url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/107949-ycm-official-compiled-guides-of-fiction/."]http://forum.yugiohc...es-of-fiction/.[/url] Dialogue sub-heading.[/i]

If you had actually read the page you linked to, you would have known that you were wrong, and that it is indeed correct to end a question a character asks with a question mark even if the sentence continues. The page in question even gives the following as an example: [b]"Excuse me, Mike, but I'm the one with the backpack here!" Anne shouted back at him.[/b] Don't criticize grammar when you yourself don't know how proper grammar works. It should be easy for you to do that; after all, it's not like you bothered to criticize anything else, so you should be used to not giving criticism by now.

[i][color=#008080]Once again, her name is foreign. Can you even properly pronounce that French sentence you wrote? If you mess up on your first try, then you immediately lose the right to complain about pronunciations.[/color]

I have actually taken French for 2 years when I was in High School. I probably wouldn't be able to carry on a fluent conversation, but I know how to pronounce the sentence with about......90% accuracy (I don't want to sound too arrogant).[/i]

And yet, despite taking French in high school and using French in your review, you never thought that the main character's name - whose pronunciation as given in the story appears to follow the French rules of pronunciation - might be anything other than Japanese? That just makes you even more stupid.

[i][color=#008080]Donovyn said in response that this takes places in America. Cheruvet is also apparently an original name, but I still think it sounds rather French.[/color]

I did not realize that the name was French. I'm more used to seeing Jean Jacques (I still don't know how to make accents on this dang thing), Florence, and Napoleon. However, it doesn't matter because the name is original.[/i]

You didn't consider it could possibly be French because... you thought only three French names existed.

This has to be deliberate. Your responses here must be deliberately trying to make you look like even more of an idiot. There's no way you could be stupid enough to produce this accidentally.

[i][color=#008080]I must commend you for trying Devil's Advocate, but that is not enough. A majority of your complaints were either nitpicks or ridiculous conclusions. Perhaps I am being a hypocrite when I say that, but I feel that acknowledging one's flaws is a step towards improving upon them. You had Lady point out Dante's nitpicking, and yet you continued with that.[/color]

You can only get better.......I hope........[/i]

No, that's not an excuse. You can't write something ungodly awful and then act like that's okay because you might theoretically improve in the future, and you certainly can't do that when the thing you wrote is allegedly a review criticizing the writings of someone else.

This wasn't a review, this was you jumping around like a monkey flinging your poop at bystanders and then saying it's okay because you're going to do it again but might throw slightly less poop next time. Go kill yourself.[/spoiler]

[Lt. Colonel Remo]

o-0

Did Devil just get jumped by two mods review wise?

What the hell?

Also DMG, as for your new fanfic, will the chapters be as sporadic as the series you wrote? Or will they more spaced out and even?

[Spirit of DMG]

To answer all questions:
The Setting is America, but Audri and her family are Japanese. That happens.

The Name is "Spontaneous Human Combustion Never Hurt Anybody" because I wanted it to be. Couldn't think of anything else.

The release interval will be once a week. For now. As it progresses, we'll see.

[Spirit of DMG]

Here we go!
Chapter 3!
And only half a week late!

[bury the year]

I'm honestly curious out of which hat you pulled the name Cheruvet. It sounds more Native American than French to me.

[Spirit of DMG]

XD.
I was driving down a street and encountered a Chevrolet.
That's how I came up with that name.
Audri came fro Audi.
Toyotaka... Do I really need to explain that one?

[Spirit of DMG]

Okay, so, by my calculations, I owe you guys 8 chapters and an explanation.
Well, here's one chapter and an explanation:
I let my cousin type part of this new chapter, and next time I need help with something, I will use Google.

[Catterjune]

Which part?

[Spirit of DMG]

[spoiler=This part]
Ford smiled at Cheruvet as she placed a rainbow saddle blanket on the mare, the blanket glimmered brilliantly against the mares black and white flecked coat, she slowly picked up the black leather saddle , several little flowers engraved into the leather, it slid slowly and smoothly over the saddle blanket, Cheruvet starred in awe as Ford climbed on after tucking her leather booted foot into the stirrup, Cheruvet watched the muscles in Ford long strong legs as she sat on the horse. ''Now'' Ford said, ''it's your turn, it's hard the first time to climb on but after a while it gets much easier'' Ford slid down the side of her horse, her landing looked graceful to Cheruvet.

Cheruvet blushed softly and lightly this time as Ford bucketed her hands to make a step for her. Her booted foot easily slid into the stirrup, slowly Cheruvet slid onto the mares' back slowly, she sat high on the mares high back as Ford slid her foot into the stirrup, ''Share-oo-vay, relax okay'' Ford quickly said as she slid behind Cheruvet, her chest pressed against her back, Ford took hold of Cheruvets hands and softly patted the horse with her foot, the horse neighed and slowly moved forward. "Now, to make a horse turn you turn the reins and turn the reins the opposite direction of where you want to go" Cheruvet gulped'' Like this?" her voice squeaked as she turned the reins right so Karma would turn left. "Yes exactly right!" Applauded Ford " now try by yourself Share-oo-vay" Ford jumped Effortlessly from Karmas' back and quickly mounted Granite, Karma followed Granite slowly through the riding paddock " How you make a horse move is simple: simply wiggle the reins the opposite direction of where you want to move as I was saying earlier"[/spoiler]

She kind of kept procrastinating... -.-;

EDIT: Put up Chapter 5, BTW

[Spirit of DMG]

Okay, guys, are any of you still reading this?
Chapter 6 now up.