IceDorago Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Whoo, time for my obligatory comment. Yeah, that was kinda sad. Ayame has odd friends, though. One's extremely jealous of the destructive one who is addicted to coffee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 [quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1313244993' post='5438957'] Whoo, time for my obligatory comment. Yeah, that was kinda sad. Ayame has odd friends, though. One's extremely jealous of the destructive one who is addicted to coffee. [/quote] loled. She's not really "addicted" to it, she's just "grown fond of it". Finished Chapter 18 finally and got myself out of the rut. It finally features the first (and possibly only) Exceed card that I will ever use. But don't worry; it's not custom (I haven't built myself up to that level yet). So in the meantime, who will win the Duel? Will Michiko be able to stop herself before she turns into the very thing that she despises? Or will Kimiko win and show her the truth? Let's find out. [spoiler='Chapter 10'] Chapter 10 – Being Left Alone, Part 2 [b]Kimiko LP: 1700, Card Count: 2[/b] [b]Michiko LP: 1700, Card Count: 2[/b] Kimiko braced herself for her next draw. Depending on what it is, it could mean the end of the road for her, or it could turns things around. “My draw!” [b]Kimiko Card Count: 3[/b] Kimiko laughed to herself. This could turn things around. “I play the Spell Card “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Terraforming]Terraforming[/url]”, which allows me to move one Field Spell from my deck to my hand. I choose “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Black_Garden]Black Garden[/url]”. But before I play it, I activate the effect of “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/The_World_Tree]The World Tree[/url]”. By removing two of my “Flower Counters” on “The World Tree”, I am now allowed to destroy one card on the field. I target “Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier” for this effect.” There was a sudden gust of wind, which blew the two flowers off the tree. The two flowers, with the wind behind them, flew towards the ferocious dragon. When the two flowers made contact, the monster was pixelated, and it was no more. “So you took out my dragon. What’s the point,” Michiko said, infuriated. “I now Normal Summon “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Naturia_Tulip]Naturia Tulip[/url]”. [b] [/b]And then, I’ll play my “Black Garden” Field Spell. When Kimiko placed the card on the field, vines and thorns grew out from the ground and covered the field. There was a troubling aroma in the air. “When a monster is Normal or Special Summoned, except by the effect of "Black Garden", it’s ATK is halved, and the turn player’s opponent gets 1 "Rose Token" [b](Plant-Type/DARK/Level 2/ATK 800/DEF 800)[/b]. Unless you want the field to be swarmed with roses, I would suggest holding off the summoning. It wouldn’t do you so good,” Kimiko said. “This is the power of beauty!” “Whatever. That makes it my turn,” Michiko declared. [b]Michiko Card Count: 3[/b] “Since I have a Spell or Trap card in play, I’m not allowed to Special Summon “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Treeborn_Frog]Treeborn Frog[/url]”. But it won’t matter, because I have something else prepared. I’ll pass for now.” “My draw, then.” [b]Kimiko Card Count: 2[/b] Kimiko glanced at her card. This was too perfect. “That was a bad call. You should have summoned something, as I am about to do. I Normal Summon “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Naturia_Guardian]Naturia Guardian[/url]”.[b] [/b]It is at this point that a “Rose Token” appears on your side of the field [b](Plant-Type/DARK/Level 2/ATK 800/DEF 800)[/b]. But it won’t matter since I am activating another of “Black Garden’s” abilities. By destroying it, along with all Plant-Type monsters on the field, I can Special Summon one monster from my Graveyard with an ATK equal to the total ATK of the monsters that were destroyed on my side of the field. [b](600 + 1600 = 2200)[/b] "See, you should listen to your friends. That’s what they do. Appear, “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Splendid_Rose]Splendid Rose[/url]”. [b] [/b]And since an abundance of Plant-Type monsters were just now destroyed, my “World Tree” Spell gains three “Flower Counters”, meaning I can activate its effect. By Removing 3 “Flower Counters”, I’m now allowed to Special Summon any Plant-Type monster from my Graveyard. I call forth “Naturia Guardian”. Now, I’ll have my “Splendid Rose” attack you directly!” “Did you think it would be that easy to get by me? Trap Card open, “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Call_of_the_Haunted]Call of the Haunted[/url]”. Now, I can bring back one monster from my Graveyard. Reappear, “[url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Bronac%2C_Dragon_of_the_Ice_Barrier]Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier[/url]”,” Michiko yelled to her opponent. This didn’t look good. Next turn, Michiko would be able to activate “Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier’s” effect, allowing her to discard cards again. And since Michiko would have four cards on her next draw, she can effectively move Kimiko’s cards to her hand, which would open her up for a direct attack. “I…end my turn with a face down.” Kimiko knew that this was going to be it. Ayame got up from out of her chair, slowly. “That makes it my turn, and the final turn!” [b]Michiko Card Count: 4[/b] “I activate “Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier’s” ability. Now, by discarding all four cards in my hand, I can return the four cards on the field right back to your hand. It’s over!” “Michiko, don’t,” Ayame pleaded. She needed to do something, and she needed to think quickly. Acting on instinct, she ran out onto the field and stood in front of Kimiko. The dumbstruck Kimiko tried shoving Ayame out of the way. “Please, don’t do this. Please, no more hurting. I’m sorry, I could never apologize enough for what I did to you, but please…please stop this. I sense the jealousy within you, but we can all work this out.” “You hurt me, Ayame. You really did. But I have a duel to finish,” Michiko declared. “You’re going to hurt your best friend…Michiko, you’re hurting your family!” The word “family” rang throughout Michiko’s mind. She was right; the two had been through some wonderful times, and the two had been through some terrible times. Michiko reflected back on the days that she would spend with Ayame. Then, she would remember back to what happened this morning. It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. “Now, “Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier”, attack Kimiko directly.” The dragon preparing its breath attack. There was no way that Kimiko could stop the attack. It was all over. The dragon shot out shards of ice from its mouth to attack both Kimiko and Ayame. [b]Kimiko LP: 0[/b] From the dust appeared Ayame, with marks all over her face and her clothing torn apart. Ayame stood, barely, looking straight into Michiko’s eyes. There was a glint there, like the last time that she looked at her friend. She limped over to her best friend. The puzzled and stunned Michiko simply stood there. “If…if this is the way…you treated your family…then no wonder your father left you. Don’t you understand, Kimiko? We…we are the only family that we have left. We need…to rely on each other. I only did…what I did…to knock some sense…into you.” Ayame fell to the ground, just a few feet in front of her best friend. Ayame lifted her head up and continued. “You are my best friend...no one can ever replace you…how could I forget…the good times that we spent…together. The memories that…we have…will always be with us…Michiko, please listen…” Michiko threw off her Duel Disk and wrapped her friend in her arms. “Ayame…I don’t know what I was thinking. The only thing that I was concerned with was…seeing you…” “Listen…if you…are suffering…then I will feel it. If you are hurt…I too am hurt. That’s the connection that families…form.” Ayame struggled to breathe out her words. “But when you leave…I’ll be alone again.” “We…are always alone. We can never have company following us for the…rest of our lives.” Michiko found truth in her friend’s words. How could she act so foolish? Michiko’s jealousy and rage had gotten the better of her. Even though she had won the duel, she had, in reality, lost. It was completely ambiguous: in winning, she lost. Michiko looked up to Kimiko, who had been standing before her, with arms crossed. She looked down to the ground, defeated. “I’m sorry for the way I acted. I…never meant to say or do what I did. I was blinded by rage…” “And now the light of family has helped you see again. Sometimes families have their ups and downs, but in the end, we all stick together. I…sorry, we…are proud to have you as part of this family, Michiko.” “We aren’t all that different…you and I. We are one of the same,” breathed Ayame. “That is what…I was trying to tell you from the start. And no matter what happens…you and I will always be together…maybe not physically…but I will always be in your heart. Keep me close there…” Michiko couldn’t take any more. Both of them had felt the sorrow that they had inflicted on each other today. She hugged her friend for a long time. “I’m sorry, Ayame,” whispered Michiko. “And I’m sorry, too,” Ayame said. “But I hoped I knocked some sense into you.” Michiko chuckled as she broke away from the hug. “Yea, I guess you did.” The three stood up and looked all in the same direction, towards the eastern part of the city. “My path…it will take me to greatness,” Ayame said. Her two friends didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was clear that Ayame had made up her mind: she was going to become a Duelist of her own accord and fight with Ressen. A game for the best to become the best. The three turned around to see a black car driving up to the café. Ayame looked at her wristwatch. It was 12:58. She undoubtedly knew that it would be Ressen Ikeda. The card pulled up to the parking lot. Ayame thought it was destiny knocking on the front door. From it appeared two muscular men, one wearing a long sleeve black shirt with a blue bowtie, and the other a polo shirt. There was a Phoenix tattoo along the entirety of his left arm. “So this is her,” the man with the Phoenix tattoo said, looking straight at Ayame. “Humph. She doesn’t scare me.” “What do you want? Who are you,” Ayame said cautiously. “Ahh, please, forgive us. Perhaps you do not know us off the track, but on the track we are known as “Team Future World”,” the second man said. “Oh, spare them the deceit, Darian,” the man with the Phoenix tattoo said. “Okay, fine,” the other man retaliated. He turned back to Ayame and her three friends. “You are looking at the stars of “Team Future World”. I am Darian, pro-duelist and mechanic for the team. This man here is Phoenix, runner-up in the Future Worlds Championship five years ago.” “Ha, “runner-up”? Guess I really am appreciated after all,” Phoenix said. His voice was deep and baritone, and also very sluggish. “And our team leader is none other than the legendary Ressen Ikeda himself,” Darian continued. The group of girls was shocked to hear that he was part of a team. They had always thought that he was someone that did his own thing and made his own dreams. Guess they were wrong. A lanky figure approached them unknowingly. “Please, you flatter me, but flattery gets you nowhere,” the voice said. The two tall men looked behind them. Indeed, the legendary duelist, Ressen Ikeda, had appeared right before their very eyes. Ayame started to blush, recalling the promise that she had made to Ressen. [i]“Ressen. Tomorrow at 13:00 at the Café le Crème. Sound fine?”[/i] “I told you that I would be here, Ayame. A man never gives up on a girl that he really cares about.” Ayame wasn’t sure what to think of that comment. “Thanks,” was all she said. Ressen also noticed the tearing in her clothing. “Looks like you’ve been taking a beating. Was there a duel before now?” Ayame nodded. Then, she looked over at Michiko, who looked at Ressen and then nodded. Then, she looked at Kimiko, and her face appeared stuck, as if it was glued to something in the far off distance. Michiko put the thought beside her. “Right, it was between me and her,” Michiko said. She held an arm out to Kimiko, but her face was only fixated on Ressen. There was something going on. She lost herself and straightened up. “There was a lot of confusion going on today, also a lot of drama. I’d spare you the story in just saying that Ayame here jumped out and saved her friend.” Ressen nodded. He thought about it for a long time. “Well, I was going to Duel you, Ayame, but I think your determination is far more important than your Dueling Skills. Being able to protect someone you care about is more important than some card game. At least, that is what I believe.” “And I would have to agree with you,” Ayame responded back. Ressen pulled out a large envelope, with a seal stamped on it. It was the “Future Worlds Championship” seal, marked with a Duel Runner in the middle of a large circle, emblazoned with the teams three names: Ressen, Phoenix, and Darian. Ressen handed the envelope to Ayame, without glancing at the other two girls. Ayame opened the envelope, and there was a certificate of acceptance into the “Future Worlds Championship”. “That certificate is your way in. Don’t lose it,” Ressen said demandingly. He then turned around and head straight back his car. The other two men followed him instinctively. Darian opened the car door to let Phoenix enter the driver’s seat. Phoenix thanked him and Darian opened the passenger side door to let Ressen enter. Then, Darian sat in the back. Ressen waved to the three girls as the car drove out of the parking lot and into the city. “Wow…that Ressen guy really is something,” Michiko said to her friend. “Are you going to do it?” “Silly, of course I am,” Ayame responded, teasing. “Come on Kimiko, let’s head back.” There was a moment of silence, as Kimiko was still standing, fixated on something. She had been standing like that for a full five minutes. There was definitely something wrong. “Kimiko, hello,” Ayame said. There was nothing, no response; just heavy breathing and what appeared to be a sort of shock on her face. Ayame approached Kimiko and waved a hand in front of her. “Hello?” That trick must’ve worked, because she gasped and returned to reality, shaking her head as she did so. “What was that all about, Kimiko?” “It’s nothing. I was just…entranced was all. By his…good looks,” Kimiko lied. Then she gave an awkward grin to both of the girls. “I don’t blame you. It’s not every day you get to meet the superstar Duelist of our time in real life,” Michiko said. “It’s nothing. I’ll be fine,” Kimiko said. “I used to believe in family long ago…but now, I’ve got you two.” The three then got into Ayame’s car and proceeded to drive back to the school. The entire time, Ayame was thinking to herself. Being left alone in this world is the way of human life. [/spoiler] UPDATE: Pics are now officially here. Photobucket really is resourceful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 $40 bucks on coffee within a few hours though. And Ressen looks kinda creepy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 [quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1313251958' post='5439204'] $40 bucks on coffee within a few hours though. And Ressen looks kinda creepy. [/quote] Point taken. Probably the first anime good guy that IS creepy....besides all the others. I was looking for more of the rebellious type of hairdo, that seemed to be perfect... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Deciding to go back and put in Theme Music for every Chapter that I have done so far. It is sure to be epic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Have no fear, Chapter 11 is here. I'd really like my fan-fic to get reviewed by one of those higher-ups, like Crab of Roxas; I think they'd really dig this. [spoiler='Chapter 11'] Chapter 11 – Future Worlds Ayame was at it again. She was looking over her deck again, looking for any flaws that were present within her Deck. She tried creating a new engine with more tuning power. Ayame recently added “Junk Synchron” to her list of monster cards, along with “Tuningware” and a new Synchro monster, “Ancient Sacred Wyvern”. She felt more assertive with her new combination of cards, and she definitely felt like she was going to be a big help to Ressen and his team. The Future Worlds Championship preliminary match ups were today, and, even though it was short notice, Ayame diligently worked hard to improve her deck to make it faster, more reliable, and more powerful than before. She drew her five-card opening hand. It consisted of “Tuningware”, “Bottomless Trap Hole”, “Junk Synchron”, “Solar Recharge”, and “Charge of the Light Brigade”. It certainly wasn’t the best to start with, but she felt like she can make something out of it. Ayame drew her sixth card, and her ideals and tactics instantly changed. She had drawn “Commander Gottoms, Swordmaster”. Now her focus was getting her X-Saber monsters out on the field as soon as possible so that she can use “Commander Gottoms, Swordmaster”. “By activating “Charge of the Light Brigade”…” she then flipped the top three cards of her Deck over. They were “Quillbolt Hedgehog”, “Saber Vault”, and “XX-Saber Emmersblade”. At least now, her best support card was in the Graveyard where it belonged. Ayame then searched her deck, picking out “Jain, Lightsworn Hunter” and adding it to her hand. “Then, I Normal Summon “Junk Synchron” and activate its effect,” she quietly recited to herself. She placed the card on her pad in the monster card zone, then she took the “Quillbolt Hedgehog” from her Graveyard and placed it in an adjacent spot, next to the “Junk Synchron”. Then, she moved to the two cards to her Graveyard and searched through her Extra Deck. “Where was that card? Ahh, there it is. “X-Saber Wayne”.” She then placed the white card on the field. “Then I activate its effect, which means “Jain, Lightsworn Paladin” can be Special Summoned.” Ayame breathed a sigh of relief. However, she didn’t feel it was that fast. The fastest engines were those involving Quick Synchros, but she felt that those cards that initiated these “Quick Synchros” were extremely hard to get. She had to live with it for now. She looked over at her television set. She had had it muted the whole time, a habit that she usually employs when she is going over card combos, but a commercial about the upcoming tournament appealed to her. She grabbed her remote. “–With the surprising amount of Duelists competing, it sure will be a blast. Watch as the Ace Champions of the century, “Team Future Worlds” battle it out over the next week and a half, competing against seven different teams for a shot at bragging rights and–” The television had cut out suddenly. She looked behind the television. Great…the power cord fell out. Well, that was a troublesome bother. She put it back in as the sound continued. “–and you don’t want to miss it. More information will be covered today at the “Future Worlds Championship Preliminary Matchups. We hope to see you there.” And with that, the television continued its program. Ayame sighed. She looked at the clock in her room, which read 12:20. She had three hours to prepare before the teams officially signed in, and at 18:00, Ayame would be in the grand arena, with all of the fans screaming and cheering for her. The thought made her both excited and very nervous. She tried her hand at one last card combo before she would make her way over to Ressen’s garage. She drew her five card opening hand. It was “Bottomless Trap Hole”, two “XX-Saber Fullhelmknight”, “Gold Sarcophagus”, and “Celestia, Lightsworn Angel”. The only thing that she could do was set her “XX-Saber Fullhelmknight”, her “Bottomless Trap Hole”, and sigh. Her cards, unusually, were all cluttered around. She picked them all back up and placed them back in her deck and shuffled. She wasn’t aware of what she was jumping into, but she knew that this path was going to take her to stardom. Ayame walked out of her room with a glittering smile on her face. /-/ Inside the dark chambers sat three men in a circular round table, with shadows encroaching all around them. All light had ceased to exist, save for one candle in the middle of the circular table. The three men sat in a triangular formation. There was no sound, no movement, nothing for a long while. Then, the silence was broken. “I want the search for the three “Hero” cards to go uninterrupted,” said one of the men. “Yes, sir,” said the other two, simultaneously. “Kyo, Tanaka, you two are my best warriors. You were given this job for a reason. And also, you were given the “Daedalus” cards for this reason. Poor Mizoui, however…if you fail me, you will end up like him.” The man talking then turned a steel knob underneath the chair, which squeaked loudly. Illuminating in one spot was Mizoui’s corpse, hung by a string of mountain rope, which was wrapped around his head. “Yes, master. We will not fail you,” Tanaka said. “Then it is settled. You will infiltrate the tournament with another one of my associates and assume the team name “Team Shadow Lair”. You will win, proceed to the finals, and force Ressen to give up his “Hero” card. He still has it, and we need it to achieve the ultimate awakening. Kyo, Tanaka, since these cards were crafted by the gods, pathetic humans will not let the “Daedalus” cards into the tournament. They must think that they’re power far beyond reaches that of a deity of Heaven. However, I want this to be as smooth as possible, so that is why I will be giving you both these Decks. Use them wisely.” The headman then gave both his subordinates alternate copies of Decks. There was one card that was flipped face-up, and it was “Darklord Superbia”. Kyo gracefully took the cards from his master’s hand. Tanaka followed in similar fashion. “Do what you must. The fate of Heaven and Hell depends on your success.” “Yes, master. We will not fail,” both subordinates said simultaneously, almost puppet-like. The two then walked beside each other out of the chamber and into the light. “It is almost complete. The circle of life, death, rebirth, and then living again is the way the human world works. But to go against a God, a deity of the Heavens, would be to break this circle, and shatter the mirrors’ truth. Wouldn’t you agree?” There, in the darkness, appeared a lank figure, much slimmer than the other two characters that were previously in the room. The figure was female, and walked with some sort of disturbed grace. “Humans are so foolish,” the female figure said. It was hoarse and full of implacability. “Humans…and they’re talking of family…how it drives me insane.” “But from what I understand, you had a child, too. In fact, you had several. Two girls and one son,” the male mastermind said. “I used to believe in family, until I found you. Now, all that I care about is fulfilling my master’s wish.” “And you shall. Go accompany those two peons to the arena. They are incompetent, and I place my trust and respect within you.” “Very well,” the female figured sighed. She then exited out of the chamber, recited something as she did so. She continually said the word “family” as she exited out into the light. The master extinguished the light from the candle and sat, bathing in the darkness. /-/ It was a little bit warmer today, as the sun was beating down onto the ground with intensity, but there was also a mild autumn breeze that also chilled as it blew by. Ayame didn’t think to walk all the way to Ressen’s garage, so she took her car down there. At least she felt it would be more comfortable sitting in her car with the heat on than sitting outside in the sun. She did feel like she needed a tan, however. Twenty minutes later, at 13:00 hours, she pulled up into Ressen’s garage. There were four people all cluttered around a table as Ayame entered. “Ressen, I’m here.” Phoenix and Darian were the first to turn around, looking at Ayame and the Deck she held in her hand. There was also another girl standing right beside Phoenix, with an arm around his waist. She turned to see who was there and she smiled. Phoenix and Darian walked up to Ayame. For some reason, she would always feel “small” when they approached her, given that they were about two feet taller than she was. “The man’s been expecting ya. We were just finishing up on some repairs on our Duel Runners,” Darian said. “Come on, I’ll show you around while Ressen is fixing up some things.” Darian then started for the main room up the staircase. Ayame had a confused look on her face as she followed Darian. When they were out of range from hearing, Darian crept close to Ayame. This really felt awkward now… “Do you still have it? The “Hero” card? Ressen suggests keeping it here for protection purposes,” Darian whispered. Ayame took the card out of her pocket and showed it to Darian. Indeed, there was the card right before his eyes. “Alright, give it here. I’ve got a special lockbox that only I can open.” The obedient girl then gave Darian the card. She was still unsure what to make of the situation. Darian took the card, and then motioned the girl to head back downstairs to meet with Ressen. When she was out of sight, Darian opened up the lockbox, took out the card, and held it in his hand. “Finally, it’s mine,” he whispered to himself. He then stuck the card in his pocket. “One down and two to go.” Darian then made his way back to the garage, where the other three were already waiting. “Alright, I know I’m not very good at introductions, Ayame,” Ressen started, “but you already know me. Phoenix is our main technician. In short, he’s the guy that helps make our Duel Runners work. Darian is the main mechanic. He’s the person that builds the bodywork for all of our Duel Runners. I figured you already knew that. Kaori, however, is the one person that you might not have met yet. She is our team assistant, and she does whatever she can to help the team progress through the ranks of the competition. I would have to say that she is the most valuable member of our team, simply because she guides us when we need a pit stop or some other emergency.” Kaori turned away and blushed. Her silky smooth brunette hair covered her right eye and it reached all the way down to her shoulders. Ayame felt a little jealous at her overwhelming beauty. She was dressed in all green: a shoulder-less shirt and a black armband around her right arm. She was wearing green working pants, stained with oil and dirt. Ayame could tell that Kaori was a hard worker. The worker twirled her hair around. Then, she began to notice the similarities in the type of clothing they all wore: they were all wearing green. It must have been their team color, and here Ayame was dressed in her red Duel Academy uniform. She felt out of place. “Alright, registration starts at 14:00,” Ressen commented. “We should be done by about 15:00, and then during the evening banquet, which starts at 18:00, we’ll meet all the teams and start taking a look at the bracket to see what competition we are up against. I don’t think we should worry, though.” “Yes, we’ve made it this far before; there is no stopping us now,” Phoenix said. “For years, it’s always been the two of us, Ressen and I,” he said while turning to Ayame, “but now, after what the boss told me of your dueling skills, there shouldn’t be any problems now.” “Right. I understand,” Ayame said. She looked over at Kaori. She smiled. “Not much of a talker, is she?” “No, not really,” Phoenix said. She’s shy…” Kaori then nodded in approval. Ressen finished tuning his Duel Runner, tightening bolts that squeaked while in the process. By the time everyone was done with the introductions, Ressen had completed his work on Lunar Glint. The hours flew by, as both Phoenix and Ayame sharpened their skills for the upcoming matches that they would soon partake in, while Ressen worked on Phoenix's Duel Runner. It was rather early in the duel, but Ayame already had Phoenix on the brink of defeat, bringing him down to his last 1000 Life Points. “Alright, I Normal Summon “Junk Synchron”, and I use its ability to bring back “Tuningware” from my Graveyard. Now I’ll tune them to Synchro Summon “X-Saber Wayne”. “Well, I guess that’s game, then,” Phoenix said. I’ll admit that my cards are a bit slower than yours, but they have much more power than yours.” “I guess we’ll find out once we hit the Dueling Arena,” Ayame remarked. “A quick question,” Phoenix asked as Ayame was picking up the cards from her mat. Ayame looked up. “Do you feel ready? Because, I don’t think I am.” “You shouldn’t doubt yourself, Phoenix,” Ressen said, still repairing Phoenix’s Duel Runner. “Doubt is the number one enemy of the duelist’s soul. You should put that beside you. Of course, we are ready. We all are.” Ayame smiled at her colleague. “Don’t worry. I’m sure…you can do it.” Phoenix responded with a nod of his head. /-/ Ayame groaned. Ayame never thought paperwork could be so boring. She was staring down a one-hundred eighty-page contract plus rulebook for the tournament. Ayame grimaced…she would have to do this again two more times. Her hand was getting tired, gripping her pen hard as she wrote her name awkwardly on the piece of paper. One after the other…there seemed to be no end to the constant paper signing. “How much more of this are we going to have to do,” Ayame whined. Ressen didn’t look up from his papers. “There’s a lot of preparation that the people hosting the tournament have to go through. These papers are evidence of that.” “Yea, I could tell.” Ayame returned to her paper signing. There was an assembly line of people signing papers, with Ayame at the far left end, then Phoenix, Darian, Ressen, and then Kaori. “Well, at least when it’s over, we’ll be on our way to the banquet to meet all of the teams.” “Well, there will be more paper signing to do there, too,” Ressen said. Ayame groaned as her face hit the desk. She just wished that she didn’t have to sign any more papers. She just wanted to get to dueling. She was itching to see what tournament life was like. “Don’t worry, it won’t be this much paperwork at the banquet,” Phoenix said. “Plus, there’s gonna be food.” “Can’t just wait to get your hands on some grub, Phoenix,” Ressen sarcastically said, not looking up from his papers. “That’s always been your character.” Ayame remembered her friend Michiko, and ate to her heart's content. She then remembered the horrible duel that Kimiko and Michiko had. Ayame could never put off her best friend from her mind. She continued diligently on the paperwork as the sun started to set, at the early time of only 18:34. /-/ The banquet was filled with more people than Ayame could ever have imagined. Every kind of Duelist had appeared here, ranging from those that Ayame have never heard of, to those that Ayame could never put out of her mind. The five members of the team walked together in uniform fashion as they spotted some familiar duelists, while they also spotted some that they had never recognized. Ayame was sporting a new red dress that extended all the way down to her knees, while also wearing black tights that covered the rest of her legs. Her purple hair was straighter than it was before. All of the men were sporting their own kind of style: Ressen was wearing a tuxedo suit, Phoenix was wearing a red suit with black suit pants, and Darian was wearing a purple suit along with his brand of white khakis. Kaori was wearing a white miniskirt along with a black dress shirt, covered with a white coat. Her hair hung straight down her backside. Both of the girls were plastered with makeup. “It sure is packed here,” Ayame said. “Is it always like this?” Ressen nodded at her slightly silly question. Ayame looked down, almost bumping into Phoenix when the two men suddenly stopped. “It’s them. Team Armageddon,” Ressen said while he was tracking them across the banquet room. Three men walked in unison together, all with individual marks on their faces. They all wore red robes. The three men glanced over at the team, and they approached. Ayame hid behind Phoenix’s huge round body, trying to seem as though if she weren’t there. “Well, well…look who showed up this year. You’ve missed out on a few years of Turbo Dueling, Ressen,” one of the robed men said. “Yea, I’m aware. But this year, we’ve got a new member of our team.” “Is that so? Well, I can’t wait to see how this all plays out.” The three then then started to leave. Ressen clenched his fist in anger. “They really aren’t that friendly, are they,” Ayame asked. Ressen ignored her comment and continued wandering around, snatching food off the tables. Ayame was starting to feel like she was getting in the way. Just as Ayame was going to snatch some food off the table, the lights all turned down. Ayame turned around, not spotting anything unusual, until he saw someone holding a microphone at the top of the stairwell. It was the MC that appeared on all the major duels. “Duelists young and old, professional and amateur alike, we’d all like to welcome you to the annual “Future Worlds Championship”, where the best duelists from across the world come to try their hand at becoming this year’s King Duelist. We have some exciting matches coming your way in the next couple of days, which are guaranteed to be action-packed and full throttle. For those of you who don’t know the rules, it’s simple: two members from each team take on another two Duelists in a Turbo Duel, while the third member fights the third member in a ground duel. If the team doesn’t have a Duel Runner, then all three of them will go up against the one team member that doesn’t have a Duel Runner. Simple, no?” Ayame grimaced to herself. She was told that Ressen would use her Duel Runner in case there was ever an emergency on his Duel Runner, like if it malfunctioned or had an accident on it. Phoenix was firm on this subject, and Ayame’s complaints were shot down. She looked around. There was one member of their team that was missing. Ayame turned around and found Darian conversing with three other people. They were wearing purple robes that were hooded, much like what Mizoui was wearing. In fact, they had a striking resemblance to Mizoui. However, Ayame felt a different vibe from these three duelists. Moreover, what was Darian doing over there with another team? Was he being a good sport? Whatever it was, it was probably for the better. “And now, the bracket is posted on the wall. Feel free to continue dining for as long as need be. Our first match will start tomorrow at 9:00. We all hope to see you there,” the MC continued. Instantly, the teams amassed before the wall that projected the bracket. As Ayame was about to rush over to the wall, Ressen placed a hand on her shoulder and forced her back. Then, he shook his head and mouthed the word, “wait”. As soon as the crowd dissipated, the four members of the team looked over at the wall. The first team that they would be facing against would be “Team Black Rains”. “Who are they,” Ayame asked. “I don’t know. They must be new this year,” Ressen replied. Ayame looked over to the suspicious Darian, who was still chatting with the three people in robes. Then, he looked over at his team, turned back, smiled, and shook one of the person’s hands. Ayame’s face changed to a sort of anger and disappointment. Then, three girls appeared behind the team of four. Ayame turned, and what appeared like the team captain stood in front of the other two girls. The girl in the front had wavy blond hair, had a red and black racing suit on, and held a helmet in her right hand, clutched at her hip. “So, you’re team “Future Worlds”, am I right?” Ressen did not turn from the bracket. “That we are.” “Well then, I guess we’ll be facing you first in the tournament. We’re “Team Black Rains”. It’s nice to meet you. I’m the leader, Yuma Ishiko,” she said as she extended a hand to Ayame. The other two girls smiled. They both had the same colored suits on, but one girl had long, flowing, blue hair that almost touched the ground, and the other had red bobcut hair. “This here is Tori Kinjawa,” Yuma said, indicating the girl with red hair, “and this Asuka Yoshida,” Yuma continued, indicating the girl with blue flowing hair. “So, you must be the team captain.” “Me? No, I’m not,” Ayame said. “Ressen is.” “Well, we hope you get acquainted with everyone here. We’re really looking forward to dueling you tomorrow.” “Hey, you three seem nice,” Ayame said, smiling. “Thanks, we always get that. But trust me, while we might seem nice off the track, but while we are dueling, we’re the fiercest cats around,” Asuka said. Her voice was childish and young, but also filled with spirit. Ayame chuckled. “I could say the same for myself.” “Well, we’re just going to have to find out for ourselves tomorrow,” the girl with red hair said. “Nicely put, Tori. I’m sorry, but we just came to introduce ourselves. We didn’t mean to get in anyone’s way. We’ll be going now.” The three girls then walked away, talking as they did so. Phoenix’s face turned sour. “I don’t trust them. Not at all.” “Why not? They were nice enough to come over here and introduce themselves, weren’t they? And that seems to be a struggle with all of the other teams here,” Ayame retaliated. “She has a point there, Phoenix,” Ressen said, agreement in his voice. “Don’t get so worked up. We need to be focused for tomorrow.” Phoenix just shook his head. Ayame looked over the bracket again, trying to spark a conversation with Ressen about the different teams he knew. It didn’t seem to work; he answered them all with a simple, “I don’t know.” It was clear that he had his sights set on one team, and that was Team Armageddon. As the banquet started to die down, three people were left behind in the darkness. “We must not fail our master,” one said. It was a female voice, but yet it was hoarse and full of discontent. “For if we do, the whole world shall die beneath the soil.” [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Bump. With notifications seemingly gone out the window for some unknown reason, it might be a little bit harder for some people to recognize when I post a new Chapter or something of the like. My goodness, there has been a lot of terribad stuff going on around the forum lately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dark Knight Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Well I'm 3 chapters in and...you've got me hooked. It's one of the best fan fics I've read, mainly because it incorporates actual dueling, unlike 99% of all fanfiction.net yugioh fan fics I've read. Looks like another sleepless night for me tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Sweet. I'm also officially up to 1,000 views on this thing. Views apparently don't matter, though. I'm shooting for 300 replies to this thing. Of course, I'm not even close to being done yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 I suppose I'll give a comment on Chapter 11 to be nice, though I don't have much to say, which is why I said nothing last night. xD Pretty good, some character development and an ending featuring cryptic words [s]that obviously weren't spoken by the villains.[/s] As I said, not much to say here, don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I found the chapter to be okay, so yeah... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Dorago finally came. Don't know if notifications are working for you or not, but.............yea, notifications aren't working for me. Finally have gotten AALLLL the way to the end of 21. I'm finally back in the zone where I belong. Also, I've been spamming (well, not literally, but POLITELY posting) in the introductions section that if anyone likes fan-fics, they should swing by and look at my fanfic. Maybe I'll get more reviewers to dissect my work and what-not. Expect Chapter 12 tomorrow, unless some dire emergency comes up. Or if Internet goes haywire. The tournament shall now officially start!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Heh, I haven't heard anything on mine, neither from here or fanfiction.net for the last few chapters. But anyways, onto the topic of your last post... I checked the section and all I have to say is "Wow." The last 6 or so post (at last check) are by you, and I'm guessing they all say the same thing as the two I read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 [quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1313544960' post='5449101'] The last 6 or so post (at last check) are by you, and I'm guessing they all say the same thing as the two I read. [/quote] Yep. Actually, I might have to stop posting for a little while now that I think about it. I've got a violin concerto coming up on Saturday, so if I find the time, I'll squeeze in what Chapters I can. But right now, tomorrow, Chapter 11 is definitely going up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Question: How long do your chapters tend to be, in terms of pages in MS Word/whatever other processor you type in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 [quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1313547412' post='5449231'] Question: How long do your chapters tend to be, in terms of pages in MS Word/whatever other processor you type in? [/quote] On average, about 7 pages. There are exceptions, though. I don't usually focus on Chapter Length. I just want to get the Chapter done. That's my philosophy.Don't worry, Chapter 12 is actually a short-duel Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Let's try this a second time, since my internet crashed before I could copy and save my original Divination. Ahem. [b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b] [spoiler=15 Minutes of Fame][color=#008080]Excellent. This should be the realm where Daniel hails from. And here comes the boy now. Right on schedule. Excuse me, Daniel![/color] [color=#ffd700]Oh, hello. Do I know you?[/color] [color=#008080]No, but I have heard of you. Allow me to introduce myself. I am called Votek. Tell me, would you be interested in reading a fan fiction with me?[/color] [color=#ffd700]That's... kind of weird, but sure. What is it?[/color] [color=#008080]Take a seat. I shall show you.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Wait, where are we?[/color] [color=#008080]An office. I thought that it would be proper to bring my guests here.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Whoa, you did this?[/color] [color=#008080]Yes. Magic is real, you see, as are Duel Spirits. Your dear friend Jen knows of them, does she not?[/color] [color=#ffd700]Um... how do you know that?[/color] [color=#008080]I have my sources. Rest assured, I have no intention of harming you. As I said, I require your assistance in reading a fan fiction.[/color] [color=#ffd700]But why me?[/color] [color=#008080]Hm, you're smarter than I expected. That itself is to be expected, I suppose.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Um, thanks? So, what are we reading?[/color] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/257812-yu-gi-oh-strike-of-the-heavens-pg-13/"][color=#008080]"Yu-Gi-Oh Strike of the Heavens[/color][/url][color=#008080]" by [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/374045-devils-advocate/"][color=#008080]Devil's Advocate[/color][/url][color=#008080].[/color] [color=#ffd700]Should't there be an exclamation and maybe a colon in there?[/color] [color=#008080]Precisely. [/color] [i]Most of you know me as Devil's Advocate, and I'm notorious around the RC section, but I've decided to turn my interests to writing fan-fics.[/i] [color=#008080]I presume you are unaware of what "notorious" actually means, otherwise you wouldn't brag about that. Knowing these things is crucial to writing fan fiction.[/color] [i]Just a little bit about myself:[/i] [i]--- I've been writing stories my entire life, but they usually don't get novelized.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Were you expecting them to be novelized? I'm pretty sure only people like Christopher Paolini manage this, and that guy's a cheater.[/color] [i]--- This is my first attempt at a Fan-Fic.[/i] [color=#ffd700]I thought you said you've been writing stories all your life?[/color] [color=#008080]That does not necessarily mean he is experienced in fan fiction, for better or for worse.[/color] [i]--- My interests in books are usually non-fiction (like Dickens, i.e.)[/i] [i]--- I write with lots of allusions (references to another place, idea, or person that is symbolic in some way).[/i] [color=#008080]You felt it necessary to define "allusion"? Interestingly, you had no grasp of the meaning of "notorious", but felt the need to insult your audience's intelligence. A shame, because a quick glance of this fanfic gave me the impression that this was well-written. I suspect that this shall not be the case in the end.[/color] [i]I'm only up through Chapter 10 so far, but the chapters are A LOT longer than what most people are accustomed to, so I might break the chapter up into two parts, if necessary (some chapters are about 10 pages long, so I'll break it up into two, maybe three seperate sections).[/i] [color=#FFD700]Uh, ten pages? That's way too long![/color] [color=#008080]Never cut them into sep[b]a[/b]rate sections. Of course, if you wish to take these sections and officially declare them as chapters, then that would be acceptable, but Chapter 1 Part A is just ridiculous.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Now for the plot![/color] [i]Yugioh, Strike of the Heavens revolves around the cards that I made in the delightful RC forum (a link here: [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/256680-strike-of-the-heavens/"]http://forum.yugiohc...of-the-heavens/[/url]) and that I've also incorporated into my story. NOTE: Some of the effects presented in the story may not be along the same lines as the ones that are posted in the forum. The story takes place nine years after the events of 5D's. The first few chapters introduce the first of few characters, like Ayame, a schoolgirl in New Domino Academy forges her talents as a Duelist (like the Yusei Fudo of today), Michiko, Ayame's "wingman" in essence, Kimiko, a dark duelist who uses wicked powers to destroy and hurt other people (sort of the Akiza Izinski of today), and Ressen, who is the superstar "Jack Atlas" of today. A full character biography will probably be posted within the following weeks. Soon, all four of these characters will play a role that threatens their very existence, as a legendary prophecy tells of three "Hero" cards that can control the fate of both Heaven and Hell.[/i] [color=#FFD700]I'm going to refrain from complaining about the dub names, but this is kind of lazy. All your main characters are based on the main characters from 5D's. And Hero cards? This isn't GX.[/color] [color=#008080]Perhaps are more appropriate title would have "Yu-Gi-Oh! 3Hs". Actually, disregard that. Humans have such ridiculous naming conventions.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Wait, "humans"? Are you a Duel Spirit?[/color] [color=#FFD700][color=#008080]I will reveal all in due time, Daniel, but first we must read this story. Let us begin with Chapter 1.[/color][color=#222222] [/color][/color]Clearly Devil's Advocate did not desire to come up with a title, but countless stories have done this, so it does not detract from this fan fiction in the slightest. [i]CHAPTER 1 – The Duelist with Speed[/i] [color=#008080]My mistake. You simply chose to remind us that this is in fact the first chapter and thus wrote that entirely in capitals with a clichéd title. I find it no different than "The Adventure Begins".[/color] [i]It was the first time in a long time that someone had stepped up to the plate. It was the first time that someone had actually tried challenging the master of dueling.[/i] [color=#ffd700]It was simply the first time that someone actually tried to challenge this awesome duelist, but only the first time [i]in a long time[/i] that someone stepped up to the plate. I guess you're trying to be clever here, like that "It was the best of times" quote, but this is just awkward.[/color] [i]Moreover, it would all end up the same way: their Duel Runners crashed and banged up, with pieces scattered all over the track. Gone from his absence for a long time, the current champion of New Domino City ran the swiftest, fiercest Deck out there. It was no wonder some called him the next “Rising Star”.[/i] [color=#ffd700]If he's the champion, why are people only calling him a "Rising Star"? Doesn't a champion already have plenty of fame?[/color] [i]His duels were broadcast all over television; in fact, almost every major news network in the world had to cover the story of the great Duelist of our time. He had seen victory flashing before his eyes, and he would take on any foe that stood in his way. There was only one thing that mattered to him, and it was the thrill of the Duel. Being able to ride along with the wind while seeing the most fearsome beasts in the Duel Monsters universe is all he ever cared for.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Wow. I like this guy's passion.[/color] [color=#008080]How lovely, apparently passion is contagious. Yu-Gi-Oh! characters have such a ridiculous fetish for dueling.[/color] [i]Tonight, someone else was stepping up to the plate.[/i] [color=#008080]As was already said. If were a more gullible reader, I could perhaps confuse this for a baseball story.[/color] [i]This pathetic, sad excuse for a Duelist thinks he can outrun and out-power the world’s greatest Duelist? There was a slim chance of that ever happening. He would crush this pathetic Duelist into the dirt, and then move on to the next Duel, and repeat the cycle.[/i] [color=#ffd700]The narrator is not very nice.[/color] [color=#008080]It is merely a method of informing us of how powerful this champion - Ressen, since the plot chapter suggests as such - is.[/color] [i]In the garage, he began tuning his Duel Runner. His prized possession, the machine-love of his life, was this Duel Runner that he custom built in the Satellite. It was tough back in the Satellite, so he needed every possible card in order to keep himself alive, both in the real world and in the world of Duel Monsters.[/i] [color=#008080]As I said, this is a fetish. How sickening.[/color] [i]He tightened the chassis; he oiled up the engine; he took his runner to the dyno. He cared about his Duel Runner almost as much as he cared about the thrill of the Duel. The two ideals were in harmony.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Well, this guy clearly only duels in Riding Duels, so they [i]have[/i] to be in harmony, since he can't enjoy the thrill of the duel with a D-Wheel. No, I don't care if you're using the dub name. I'm going with what I know it to be. [/color] [i]It was almost time. He started pushing his Duel Runner out of the garage.[/i] [i]She looked over at her clock in the corner of her room.[/i] [color=#008080]The paragraph break is no mistake of mine or Daniel's here. Indeed, the very next paragraph is a sudden change in scenery. Perhaps another line would be better to indicate a transition? This is certainly a nitpick, but one I feel is necessary.[/color] [i]It said 21:29, but she simply just chuckled to herself. She was accustomed to staying up this late. After all, it wasn’t every day that you get to see the world’s greatest duelist on television.[/i] [i]This was to be a special night, in which everyone will remember. She grabbed her cup of coffee that sat in the corner of her desk. Her cards were neatly organized into piles of Monsters, Spells, Traps, and Synchro Monsters. She looked at her ace card. It was a rare copy of “XX-Saber Gottoms”. She had won this card back when she lived in the Satellite, and she had kept it ever since. It was a perfect fit to her Deck.[/i] [i]She was recognized at New Domino Duel Academy as being the greatest Duelist of her class. She received A+ Status every time, and her Deck was compiled of the most powerful and greatest combination of Monsters, Spells, Traps, and Synchro Monsters that guaranteed her victory every time.[/i] [color=#ffd700]She runs X-Sabers. I honestly think that some of the people at the Duel Academy would have come up with a better deck to beat that.[/color] [color=#008080]And yet Elemental Heroes are apparently a godly deck within GX, but I'd rather not discuss Duel Academy stories more than necessary.[/color] [i]“Hmm…Charge of the Light Brigade…” She then flipped over the top three cards of her Deck. They were “Bottomless Trap Hole”, “X-Saber Darksoul”, and “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast”.[/i] [color=#008080]Shouldn't it have been mentioned that she revealed Charge of the Light Brigade from the top of her deck before flipping over the next three?[/color] [i]“And then there is that effect…” She moved the “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast” to her imaginary Monster Card Zone. She often would go over card combinations in her head to see how they would all play out. She was famous around the school for her most favorite card combination, which combined the might of the heavens and the might of the earth. She called it [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Light_End_Dragon"]Light End Dragon[/url].[/i] [color=#ffd700]Wait, Light End Dragon is a card. You even thought it was necessary to add a link it. Why does she name a combo after a card?[/color] [color=#008080]A combo "which combined the might of the heavens and the might of the earth". That is so hideously awkward that it makes me wish to puke.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Well, you'll probably want to lower your collar first.[/color] [color=#008080]NO! I mean... not... right now. Now is not right.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Are you okay, dude?[/color] [color=#008080]Yes, I just... let's continue.[/color] [color=#ffd700]...[/color] [color=#008080]Stay your hand![/color] [color=#ffd700]O-okay...[/color] [i]She looked over at her television. She had it muted this whole time, because she couldn’t afford distractions right now. Now that the Duel was about to get under way, she couldn’t miss this opportunity.[/i] [color=#008080]Err, uh... I... ugh... B-because the faintest glimmer from the television is... clearly not a distraction.[/color] [i]“Duelists, young and old, professional and amateur alike, it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for,” the MC said. “We’ve been anticipating this Duel ever since the two built a huge rivalry against one another that lasted for four years. Now, it’s finally time to settle this the old-fashioned way! As we all know, this Dueling Arena is built specifically for Turbo Duels, and there is no better way to settle it than here on the track! Introducing, the Grand Terror of New Domino City, the definition of callous, the scathing skeether, I give you, Ramsey Mars!”[/i] [i]There was a cascade of boos and jeers that followed from the crowd. [/i][i]From the Pit Stop Area appeared a Duel Runner painted with blue and turquoise pearlescent paint. There was a single white stripe going across the body of the Duel Runner. The Duelist, Ramsey, was dressed in a white body suit. He circled around the arena, waving to the crowd as he went by. However, the crowd’s reaction did not change, not even in the least bit. The girl watching the television set simply shrugged and returned to her card organizing.[/i] [color=#ffd700]What does the girl look like? Is she hot?[/color] [color=#008080]That is... your primary... concern?[/color] [color=#ffd700]I can't even see your face, um, Votek, wasn't it? You really don't sound too good.[/color] [color=#008080]I'll be fine! Ignore my pain and continue with this. It... it is necessary.[/color] [i]“And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Champion is about to announce his comeback. I give you, the master of speed, agility, and a Deck with a power-packed punch proven to put any pal in his place.” The announcer started following an alliteration pattern. “Here he is, Ressen Ikeda!”[/i] [color=#ffd700]Um, both these guys have names that being with "R". That's going to make this a bit troublesome to follow.[/color] [i]Instantly, the crowd exploded with cheers and “woo-hoops”, with occasional whistling and grunting noises coming from the audience. From out of the Pit Stop Area came a rider with green hair that stretched all the way to his shoulders, a teal body suit, and, unbelievably, no helmet. His Duel Runner was blue and silver, but when the moon’s light reflected on the Duel Runner’s paint, it seemed to turn dark purple. He made one lap around the track before he came to the starting position.[/i] [color=#008080]Ahem. Daniel is correct. You've gone through this much description, but we know nothing of what this girl looks like.[/color] [color=#ffd700]I'm just going to pretend that she looks like Akari Tsukumo.[/color] [i]“Now, kiddies, I know that we are all excited, but there are a couple of ground rules that we need to cover. First off, in a Turbo Duel, you are not, I repeat, you are NOT allowed to use any Spells other than Speed Spells. Well, you technically don’t have to follow this rule, but if you don’t, let’s just say it might sting you a little bit. Second, the first person to make the first corner gets to go first. This is a race for speed and power, as well as prestige. Well, I think that’s all I want to cover. Everyone, start your engines!”[/i] [color=#008080]They should be aware of this. An explanation like this is purely for the audience's benefit, even though they would be aware of these rules as well if they're reading this.[/color] [i]Ressen pulled up to his foe and looked him dead in the eye. “You’re going down! It’s time to settle things!”[/i] [i]“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Ramsey said. “I activate the Field Spell “Speed World 2”!”[/i] [i]The girl watching the television had just pulled out another one of her favorite cards, “Light End Dragon”.[/i] [color=#ffd700]What.[/color] [i]A fortuneteller had given this particularly powerful card her. The fortuneteller said that if she kept this card, then it‘d ward off bad spirits. [/i] [color=#ffd700]My brain just broke itself. Why does she call her mighty combination "Light End Dragon" when she has a card [i]with the exact same name where it actually makes sense[/i]?[/color] [i]She didn’t believe such things, though.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Agreed, I don't believe spirits exist.[/color] [color=#008080]Really, now? Then what do you call what I have shown you thus far?[/color] [color=#ffd700]Okay, that's [i]totally[/i] magic, but Duel Spirits? That's nonsense.[/color] [i]“And they’re off,” the MC said. “This looks to be a promising Duel!”[/i] [i]The girl watched in awe, staring at her television set.[/i] [i]Ressen pushed his Duel Runner to the very max.[/i] [color=#ffd700]That should only be possible when he has twelve Speed Counters.[/color] [i]He had tried to pass Ramsey, but he could tell that he also had upped his game within the last several years. It was a close neck-and-neck confrontation all the way to the first turn, but ultimately, Ramsey had the final say, as he accelerated out of the corner and into first place. Both Duelists immediately drew their five card opening hand.[/i] [i]“That was a big mistake, Ramsey. You should have let me go first.”[/i] [i]“Ha! No way, Ressen. Those that fall behind are the ones who think the slowest! It’s my draw!”[/i] [color=#008080]Or perhaps Ressen has a play that would be more advantageous for him if he went second? And yet Ramsey did not seem to consider this. How are they rivals, precisely? From what I can tell, Ramsey is not so much Ressen's rival, but rather someone who has been repeatedly defeated by Ressen, and thus wishes to avenge his losses. To Ramsey, Ressen is indeed his rival, but to Ressen, Ramsey is little more than a nuisance.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Wait, does this mean what I think it does?[/color] [i][b]Ressen LP: 4000[/b][/i] [i][b]Ramsey LP: 4000[/b][/i] [i]Ramsey drew his sixth card.[/i] [i][b]Ramsey Card Count: 6[/b][/i] [b][i][color=#008080]You informed us that Ramsey drew his sixth card in a proper manner. Pointing out factors such as their Life Points and the card count is unnecessary.[/color][color=#ffd700] [/color][/i][/b] [i]“I Normal Summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Dance_Princess_of_the_Ice_Barrier"]Dance Princess of the Ice Barrier[/url] And then I’ll end my turn.”[/i] [i]“That’s all? You’re making this too easy for me!” Ressen said arrogantly.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Hi Jack Atlus![/color] [i][b]Ressen Card Count: 6, SPC: 1[/b][/i] [i][b]Ramsey Card Count: 5, SPC: 1[/b][/i] [color=#ffd700][b][i]Wait, shouldn't they both have two Speed Counters?[/i][/b][/color] [i]“I activate the effect of [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/The_Fabled_Chawa"]The Fabled Chawa[/url] from my hand. By discarding 1 “Fabled” monster from my hand, I’m allowed to Special Summon him. Come out, my pet![/i] [i]"In addition, since [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/The_Fabled_Ganashia"]The Fabled Ganashia[/url] was discarded to the Graveyard by a card effect, I’m allowed to Special Summon him as well! Now I tune Level 1 “The Fabled Chawa” with Level 3 “The Fabled Ganashia” in order to Synchro Summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/The_Fabled_Unicore"]The Fabled Unicore[/url]![/i] [i]"But it gets better. See, I haven’t even Normal Summoned yet, which is what I am going to do now! Come out, [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Fabled_Raven"]Fabled Raven[/url]! My Raven has quite the ability. See, by sending a number of cards from my hand to the Graveyard, “Fabled Raven” gets 400 extra ATK and 1 extra level for every card I send. So I send [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Sillva%2C_Warlord_of_Dark_World"]Sillva, Warlord of Dark World[/url] from my hand to the Graveyard in order to boost Raven’s ATK and level! And since “Sillva, Warlord of Dark World” was sent to the Graveyard via card effect, she is Special Summoned to my field![/i] [i]"Now I’ll tune again, with the Level 3 “Fabled Raven” and Level 5 “Sillva, Warlord of Dark World”. Watch as the mighty struggle between lightness and darkness descends onto the battlefield, as these monsters struggle for sovereignty over the Dark World! Synchro Summon, Second Crown, [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Fabled_Valkyrus"]Fabled Valkyrus[/url]!"[/i] [color=#008080][i]That fool made a poor choice in gathering his champions.[/i] I could not care any less for this duel, but at least it seems relevant.[/color] [color=#ffd700]He uses Fiends. Yep, he's totally a rip-off of Jack Atlus.[/color] [i]And that was all in one turn. The girl looked on in amazement as she struggled to contemplate the move that Ressen had just made. What was that that he Synchro Summoned just now?[/i] [color=#ffd700]"Did he just Synchro Summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"[/color] [color=#008080]Cute. However, I would think that what little development has been given to this girl would make her less surprised by this onslaught.[/color] [i]“I’m not done yet, though! I activate the effect of “Fabled Valkyrus”, which allows me to ditch 1 Fiend-Type monster in my hand, and in return, I draw another card. Since I just discarded [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Beiige%2C_Vanguard_of_Dark_World"]Beiige, Vanguard of the Dark World[/url], he is Special Summoned to my field. Now, I’ll attack. “The Fabled Unicore”, attack his Dance Princess.”[/i] [i][b]Ramsey LP: 3300[/b][/i] [color=#008080]4000 - (2300 - 1700) = 4000 - 600 = 3400. It may be a 100 point difference, but you still fail at basic math.[/color] [i]“And now, my “Fabled Valkyrus” and “Beiige, Vanguard of the Dark World” can move in for a direct attack. Go, Valkyrus, “Dark Crashing Wave”!”[/i] [i][b]Ramsey LP: 0[/b][/i] [color=#008080]Though apparently that was not important, because this duel ended just as soon as it begin. How fortunate for me.[/color] [i]And just like that, it was over. The duel ended in just two turns.[/i] [color=#ffd700][i]Okay, back up. First, we got a dueling champion who uses Fiends. Second, he's dueling a guy who claims to be his rival, and he apparently uses an Ice Barrier deck, and ice is the opposite of fire. This is such a blatant rip-off of Jack vs. Mukuro.[/i][/color] [color=#ffd700][i]By the way, how [i]is[/i] this Ressen guy the champion? The last episode of 5D's began with a time skip that apparently takes place eight years in the future, which would mean this takes place one year after that. I honestly thought Jack would still be the champion or maybe even Rua would have surpassed him, but I think it's the former.[/i][/color] [i]“Wow-how-how! That was absolutely unbelievable,” the MC started ranting. [/i][i]“It was over in the blink of an eye! I’ve never seen fast quite that fast before! Ressen really has sharpened up his skills a lot during his time off! I wonder who will be next!”[/i] [color=#008080]And that person will be...[/color] [i]The girl looked at her cards again.[/i] [color=#008080]Of course. The plot clearly demands that it shall be here.[/color] [i]She ever wondered if she would ever be like Ressen. It was unbelievable that he could end the match so swiftly. She was sure shocked at this spectacle.[/i] [color=#008080]This coming from the girl who supposedly got an A+ every time she dueled using X-Sabers. Did she never learn to defeat her opponents that swiftly?[/color] [i]“Hey, Ayame, I’m coming in!”[/i] [color=#008080]At last, a name for our nameless protagonist. I must commend you for such a well-done way of revealing each character's name. None of it seemed forced, as if to get these details written as soon as possible.[/color] [i]“Okay,” the girl said. She counted her cards. There from the doorway stood a girl wearing a red outfit: red dress shirt with red pleated skirt. She had blonde hair that was tied and held by a ribbon in the back. She had on her most expensive jewelry, which consisted of her necklace, held together by beads, her ring, and her wristwatch, which was an hour late on the time. She appeared slightly tanner than usual; in fact, it almost looked like she was burnt from the sun. She instantly knew who it was. It was Michiko, and the two were practically family ever since they came to New Domino Duel Academy. But now, it will be their last year that they will ever spend together, so they almost wanted to do everything together. [/i] [color=#008080]...And with but a single paragraph, you have betrayed your skill in timing and writing descriptions. Daniel, I will leave the rest to you.[/color] [color=#ffd700]Uh, okay.[/color] [i]That is, for some things…[/i] [i]“Did you go tanning again? It’s fifty degrees out,” the girl sorting her cards said.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Who goes for a tan when it's [i]fifty degrees[/i]? That's very cold, you know. Michiko is an idiot.[/color] [i]She grimaced as Michiko slouched on the bunk bed. “That was very ill-mannered of you.”[/i] [i]“Hey, would you relax,” Michiko said. “I told you that I would be back before the duel started, Ayame. I didn’t want to–”[/i] [i]“It’s already over,” Ayame interjected.[/i] [i]“What? You’re kidding!” Michiko then looked at the television set.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Serves you right.[/color] [i]Ressen appeared on screen with the MC and a newscaster, who had been interviewing him. He suddenly took the microphone from the MC.[/i] [i]“Listen up, everyone! If you want a challenge, or simply want to get your Duel Runner banged up, you know where to find me! I rule these streets, and if anyone tries to mess with my throne, I will guarantee that I will royally be all over you!” He then walked off towards his Duel Runner and made a victory lap.[/i] [i]“Wow…that Ressen guy sure is something, huh?” Michiko asked herself.[/i] [i]“Sure is.”[/i] [color=#ffd700]"He's so dreamy even though he's a massive jerk with an unoriginal personality!"[/color] [i]“Hey, don’t get discouraged. I know you’re gonna rule the streets one of these days.” Michiko put an arm around her friend’s shoulder. “I just know it. You have the Duel Runner and the Deck; all that is stopping you is this building! Once you’re outta here, freedom is yours!”[/i] [i]Freedom. The thought excited Ayame…but this was her home. There was no way she could let home go so easily, not to mention her best friend. She had been here for the past four years, and the ties and friendships that she created while she was here would last for an eternity. She couldn’t just throw it away now. Ayame shuffled her Deck.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Fascinating. Is Satellite still a hellhole despite it being over a decade since it stopped being like that?[/color] [i]“Hey, wanna have a Duel real quick?” Michiko asked.[/i] [i]“Ha! You know, sometimes, I prefer a challenge.” Ayame answered. She pulled out her “XX-Saber Hyunlei”. Then she moved her “XX-Saber Pashuul” and “X-Saber Anu Piranha” from the “field” to the “Graveyard”. It was obviously clear that she has going over card combos. “But sure, why not?”[/i] [i]“I think you’ll find that my Deck is not the same as last time. I’m gonna whoop you good this time!” Michiko said, full of herself. Ayame sighed; it was impossible to change this girl’s traits.[/i] [color=#ffd700]But it's entirely possible to change her deck. Perhaps she'll be the one to figure out how to beat X-Sabers.[/color] [i]“You’re on!” Ayame said.[/i] [color=#ffd700]Nah, I'm done with this.[/color] [color=#008080]Ah, it is over?[/color] [color=#ffd700]Well, he left a link for a theme song for this chapter? [/color][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3Q2VGBrICM"][color=#ffd700]Here it is.[/color][/url] [color=#008080]A song for a chapter?[/color] [color=#ffd700]Um, yes?[/color] [color=#008080]Posted [i]after[/i] the chapter it was meant for?[/color] [color=#FFD700]Looks like it.[/color] [color=#008080]Devil's Advocate is a hopeless case, it would seem. From what I've seen, people have responded to this story favorably, so perhaps it improves over time, but I will do care to find out for myself.[/color] [color=#ffd700]So, um, can I go now?[/color] [color=#008080]Of course. I've already returned to where you were, so I'll be on my way.[/color] [color=#ffd700]...How did I not notice that?[/color] [color=#8b4513]Hey, Dan![/color] [color=#ffd700]Yumi!? I didn't expect to see you here![/color] [color=#8b4513]Who were you talking to?[/color] [color=#ffd700]Oh, this is- Huh? Where did he go?[/color] [color=#008080]So, Yumi has already made it here. No... perhaps it would be accurate to say that their universes have already blended into one. Excellent. I knew I recognized that pain. This must be the source of that. But how? Perhaps Micheal will prove to helpful in learning why...[/color][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reinforce Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Just finished readin chapter 11, another good chapter but I was a bit surprised that Ayame gave away the Daedalus Hero card so easily, I thought she would hold onto it for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'm officially back everybody. If anyone wondered where I was at for the past couple of days, I was practicing up for my concerto that took place very very far away, so I had to make some travel arrangements. I've been studying hard for the past month now and the music that we played was absolutely beautiful. Never before have I been able to experience a cocnerto like the one I was in, and playing First Violin to some of the most amazing classical music of our time was extraordinary. Finally, a mod has gotten around to my fanfic. Roxas, is it? I read through your responses to my fan-fic. Of course, respecting every writer's opinion on their story is my primary concern, so I will stick with the "noble" attitude and provide a few responses of my own. [spoiler='Responses'] [color=#008080]I presume you are unaware of what "notorious" actually means, otherwise you wouldn't brag about that. Knowing these things is crucial to writing fan fiction[/color][color=#000000].[/color] [b]Srry. Forgot my sarcasm tag.[/b] [color=#FFD700]Uh, ten pages? That's way too long![/color] [color=#008080]Never cut them into sep[b]a[/b]rate sections. Of course, if you wish to take these sections and officially declare them as chapters, then that would be acceptable, but Chapter 1 Part A is just ridiculous[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]So what if I like to write a lot more than my predecessors? In reality, the average Chapter Length should be about 16 to 20 pages, but everyone knows that their eyes would pop out if I made a Chapter that long. Consider yourself lucky.[/b] [color=#FFD700]Wow. I like this guy's passion.[/color] [color=#008080]How lovely, apparently passion is contagious. Yu-Gi-Oh! characters have such a ridiculous fetish for dueling.[/color] [b]Isn't that what Yu-Gi-Oh is? Dueling to your heart's content, heart of the cards, revving it up, etc., etc.?[/b] [color=#008080]The paragraph break is no mistake of mine of Daniel's here. Indeed, the very next paragraph is a sudden change in scenery. Perhaps another line would be better to indicate a transition? This is certainly a nitpick, but one I feel is necessary[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]If center-formatting was fixed around here, than I would go back and add another symbolic break to that. Of course, it isn't, so we have to live with it.[/b] [color=#FFD700]She runs X-Sabers. I honestly think that some of the people at the Duel Academy would have come up with a better deck to beat that.[/color] [color=#008080]And yet Elemental Heroes are apparently a godly deck within GX, but I'd rather not discuss Duel Academy stories more than necessary[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]This isn't GX. It's 5D's New Domino Duel Academy. Things are different within the span of some 50 years between the events of GX and 5D's.[/b] [color=#FFD700]Wait, Light End Dragon is a card. You even thought it was necessary to add a link it. Why does she name a combo after a card?[/color] [b]This is probably my falling out point. I meant to say that "the combination of cards that she utilized added up to this one card: Light End Dragon". [/b] [b]Is that better?[/b] [color=#FFD700]What does the girl look like? Is she hot?[/color] [b]Depends on if you are into anime chicks or not.[/b] [color=#FFD700]I'm just going to pretend that she looks like Akari Tsukumo[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]I have no idea who that is. Is that good or bad? BTW: Chapter 2 has pics if you are really that interested.[/b] [i]Ressen pushed his Duel Runner to the very max.[/i] [color=#FFD700]That should only be possible when he has twelve Speed Counters[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]Smartass comment is smartass. -.-[/b] [i][color=#008080]You informed us that Ramsey drew his sixth card in a proper manner. Pointing out factors such as their Life Points and the card count is unnecessary.[/color][/i] [b]I actually find it necessary for myself, simply because of the fact that if I don't, then I lose track of how many cards each player is holding, or how many Life Points each player has. [/b] [b][i]Ressen Card Count: 6, SPC: 1[/i][/b] [b][i]Ramsey Card Count: 5, SPC: 1[/i][/b] [color=#FFD700][b][i]Wait, shouldn't they both have two Speed Counters?[/i][/b][/color] [b]Correct, they should have two Speed Counters....if they were playing WC style. In the anime, however, Speed World 2's effect does not gain Speed Counters until the 2nd Standby Phase (the second player's turn). I, myself, being anime-influenced, have decided to go with the anime Speed World 2 effect. You are correct, but also incorrect. Such a paradox, isn't it?[/b] [color=#008080][i]That fool made a poor choice in gathering his champions.[/i] I could not care any less for this duel, but at least it seems relevant.[/color] [color=#FFD700]He uses Fiends. Yep, he's totally a rip-off of Jack Atlus[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]Jack's only Fiend-Type monsters were his Resonator monsters. Ressen has WAAYYY more Fiend-Types than Jack ever will. Plus, Ressen doesn't use ridiculously OP Dragons (I am, of course, reffering to Red Nova Dragon).[/b] [color=#008080]4000 - (2300 - 1700) = 4000 - 600 = 3400. It may be a 100 point difference, but you still fail at basic math.[/color] [b]Yet, surprisingly, I was able to pass my AP Calculus BC class with flying colors. Of course, apparently, accomplishments on here mean asbsolutely nothing. [/b] [color=#008080]At last, a name for our nameless protagonist. I must commend you for such a well-done way of revealing each character's name. None of it seemed forced, as if to get these details written as soon as possible.[/color] [b]Thank you, good man. I guess it has been an influence on my style of writing. It is like a movie to me: sometimes you don't know the protagonist's name right away.[/b] [i]“Okay,” the girl said. She counted her cards. There from the doorway stood a girl wearing a red outfit: red dress shirt with red pleated skirt. She had blonde hair that was tied and held by a ribbon in the back. She had on her most expensive jewelry, which consisted of her necklace, held together by beads, her ring, and her wristwatch, which was an hour late on the time. She appeared slightly tanner than usual; in fact, it almost looked like she was burnt from the sun. She instantly knew who it was. It was Michiko, and the two were practically family ever since they came to New Domino Duel Academy. But now, it will be their last year that they will ever spend together, so they almost wanted to do everything together. [/i] [color=#008080]...And with but a single paragraph, you have betrayed your skill in timing and writing descriptions[color="#000000"].[/color][/color] [b]And if I may ask, why is that a bad descriptive paragraph? Furthermore, why does it miss the timing (no Yu-Gi-Oh reference there)? It clearly explains everything that Michiko was wearing from practically the ears down.[/b] [i]"Wow…that Ressen guy sure is something, huh?” Michiko asked herself.[/i] [i]“Sure is.”[/i] [color=#FFD700]"He's so dreamy even though he's a massive jerk with an unoriginal personality!"[/color] [b]Seems like this is turning into a rendition of YGOTAS. Well, time to shred this fan-fic and throw it in the trash. /sarcasm[/b] [color=#008080]Devil's Advocate is a hopeless case, it would seem.[/color] [b]Not so. Like said, this is my first time writing a fan-fic, so it may not stand up to some of the other fan-fics on here in terms of originality or plot. But that does not mean I am hopeless. [/b] I think I'll leave it at that. [/spoiler] Chapter 12 shall be up tomorrow, hopefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 [quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1313946224' post='5459395'] [b]So what if I like to write a lot more than my predecessors? In reality, the average Chapter Length should be about 16 to 20 pages, but everyone knows that their eyes would pop out if I made a Chapter that long. Consider yourself lucky.[/b] [i]Some fics I read have an average chapter length of 7,000 words, actually.[/i] I'm just going to pretend that she looks like Akari Tsukumo[color=#000000].[/color] [b]I have no idea who that is. Is that good or bad? BTW: Chapter 2 has pics if you are really that interested.[/b] [i]Yuma's sister from ZeXal. [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Akari_Tsukumo"]http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Akari_Tsukumo[/url] That is actually what I tend to imagine her looking as.[/i] Chapter 12 shall be up tomorrow, hopefully. [i]Yay.[/i][/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 Two responses in two days. That's a first. [spoiler=My response][i][b]Srry. Forgot my sarcasm tag.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Was that supposed to be witty? Because it wasn't.[/color] [i][b]So what if I like to write a lot more than my predecessors? In reality, the average Chapter Length should be about 16 to 20 pages, but everyone knows that their eyes would pop out if I made a Chapter that long. Consider yourself lucky.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Actually, from what I've seen, the length you have for each chapter was fine.[/color] [i][b]Isn't that what Yu-Gi-Oh is? Dueling to your heart's content, heart of the cards, revving it up, etc., etc.?[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Daniel (Yellow text) is meant to agree with you for the most part while Votek (Teal text) is meant to criticize particular aspects. You were well in-line with how Yu-Gi-Oh! portrays each character's fascination. I was simply taking a jab at that recurring theme. [/color] [i][b]If center-formatting was fixed around here, than I would go back and add another symbolic break to that. Of course, it isn't, so we have to live with it.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Considering how awful the new system is, and because I've experienced similar issues with this myself, I realize that you did not do that on purpose.[/color] [i][b]This isn't GX. It's 5D's New Domino Duel Academy.[/b][/i] [color="#0000FF"]I'm aware of that. I'm simply pointing out that a 5D's fic has more similarities to GX than it should, right down to the Hero cards. I was simply giving an example of an archetype being depicted as far more successful than it should be.[/color] [i][b]Things are different within the span of some 50 years between the events of GX and 5D's.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]There is a lot of debate over what years 5D's takes place during, but I'm quite certain that the gap between GX and 5D's is not fifty years.[/color] [b]This is probably my falling out point. I meant to say that "the combination of cards that she utilized added up to this one card: Light End Dragon". [/b] [b]Is that better?[/b] [color=#0000ff]Much better, as it names the card rather than imply that Ayame named a combo after her trump card.[/color] [i][color=#FFD700]What does the girl look like? Is she hot?[/color] [b]Depends on if you are into anime chicks or not.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Anyone who commentates in my reviews that isn't myself or Votek should are expected to make stupid comments like that.[/color] [i][color=#FFD700]I'm just going to pretend that she looks like Akari Tsukumo[color=#000000].[/color][/color] [b]I have no idea who that is. Is that good or bad?[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]IceDorago posted a link. Personally, I think that's very bad, as I find Akari to be... obnoxious, to keep things PG. However, my first impression of Ayame is enough to give me confidence that she is nothing like that, in which case Ayame has managed to actually be an appealing character.[/color] [i][b]BTW: Chapter 2 has pics if you are really that interested.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]I'm rather uninterested in character bios, especially because they typically reveal a character's backstory before the actual story does, which isn't good. Speaking of Chapter 2, I highly recommend adding links to each individual chapter to the first post to make it easier for readers to find them.[/color] [i][b]Smartass comment is smartass. -.-[/b][/i] [color="#0000FF"]Indeed it is. Naturally, I presume that want you meant was that he accelerated as fast as he could, which isn't quite the same as max speed in this case.[/color][color=#0000ff] "As fast as he could" refers to the maximum speed he can reach based on the amount of SPCs he had, whereas simply saying "maximum speed" would refer to the speed he can reach once his number of SPCs has reached, well, the maximum.[/color] [i][b]I actually find it necessary for myself, simply because of the fact that if I don't, then I lose track of how many cards each player is holding, or how many Life Points each player has. [/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]It's a brief distraction from the narrative. I can understand that you need to keep track, but simply write down the necessary information elsewhere. Leave it to us to remind ourselves who is at what. You can still refer to the amount of cards in a player's hand, how many SPCs they have, and their current Life Points, but be careful when you do so.[/color] [i][b]Correct, they should have two Speed Counters....if they were playing WC style. In the anime, however, Speed World 2's effect does not gain Speed Counters until the 2nd Standby Phase (the second player's turn). I, myself, being anime-influenced, have decided to go with the anime Speed World 2 effect. You are correct, but also incorrect. Such a paradox, isn't it?[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]I didn't bother to keep up with that fact, in which case you did a good job portraying it accurately. I'm not quite certain why it doesn't give Speed Counters during the first turn, although I suppose this is to parallel the fact that a player cannot declare an attack on the first turn of the duel.[/color] [i][b]Jack's only Fiend-Type monsters were his Resonator monsters. Ressen has WAAYYY more Fiend-Types than Jack ever will. Plus, Ressen doesn't use ridiculously OP Dragons (I am, of course, reffering to Red Nova Dragon).[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Jack had other Fiends such as Mad Archfiend. Primarily, Jack used a deck with dark (Lowercased to serve as an adjective, not to refer to the attribute) monsters, and Ressen's deck seems to be designed to resemble his, only with a strong emphasis on Fiends.[/color] [i][b]Yet, surprisingly, I was able to pass my AP Calculus BC class with flying colors. Of course, apparently, accomplishments on here mean asbsolutely nothing. [/b][/i] [color="#0000FF"]Like I said, it's only a 100 point difference, so I presume that you became more careful as this story progressed.[/color] [i][b]Thank you, good man. I guess it has been an influence on my style of writing. It is like a movie to me: sometimes you don't know the protagonist's name right away.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]That is how you write a story to paint a picture in our heads, and I think it's one of your best writing techniques.[/color] [i][b]And if I may ask, why is that a bad descriptive paragraph? Furthermore, why does it miss the timing (no Yu-Gi-Oh reference there)? It clearly explains everything that Michiko was wearing from practically the ears down.[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]Paragraphs that serve no purpose other than to describe a character's appearance in such detail are just awkward. I'm sure that there are similar paragraphs that have been done in a much better style, but I think that you could just pick up any novel and fine a good example.[/color] [i][b]Seems like this is turning into a rendition of YGOTAS. Well, time to shred this fan-fic and throw it in the trash. /sarcasm[/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]That was simply a joke meant to address the fact that Ressen seems popular simply because he's the reigning champ, but his personality seems hardly inspirational.[/color] [i][b]Not so. Like said, this is my first time writing a fan-fic, so it may not stand up to some of the other fan-fics on here in terms of originality or plot. But that does not mean I am hopeless. [/b][/i] [color=#0000ff]I certainly over-exaggerated when I said that, but that's kind of the point of Votek. I'm actually surprised I didn't make Dan more lenient, and after this discussion, I think I shall give Chapter 2 a look and decide if I really shall continue with this.[/color][/spoiler] Note to self: For my next Divination, Votek shall read two chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 Okay, so I have been on all morning, posting status updates, fixing my "About Me" page, looking at the TCG to hunt down some loltrolls......I mean, uhmm, demons.......and have completely forgotten that today was Monday. And so, as I promised to everyone on this delightful thread, that Chapter 12 would come today, as well as an update to character Bios and also including a Major Character Role and a Minor Character Role section. Here we go: [spoiler='Chapter 12'] Chapter 12 – Spirits of Fire, Water, and Wind, Part 1 Ayame awoke in her hotel room to the sound of a blaring alarm, much more annoying than the one she had back at Duel Academy. It was already 8:30. She only had a half of an hour to prepare for today’s duel. She studiously prepared her card combos while she got dressed. She figured that she didn’t have to duel the most powerful member of Team Black Winds, but in the back of her mind, Ayame knew that it probably was going to happen, knowing her luck. As soon as she was done, Ayame exited her hotel room, to find Ressen and Phoenix already waiting. “Ready for today, Ayame,” Ressen said. “Phoenix here said he had jitters.” He then laughed. “That’s not true, I never said that,” Phoenix said. Then he sighed. Ayame then simply smiled at her friends. She always smiled on the inside, but she knew that she was diving headfirst into a situation, not knowing how it might turn out. Ayame still felt something suspicious of her teammate, Darian, as well. Perhaps he was just trying to make friends at the banquet last night, but she also knew that something else was going on that no one else wanted to know about. She flung her purse over her shoulder and proceeded to the parking lot. /-/-/(This is my paragraph break) “Duelists young and old, professional and amateur alike, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The first duel of the Future Worlds Championship Preliminary Matchups is about to begin. First up, we have the aspiring Team Future Worlds squaring off against the icy, fiery, and vigorous spirits of Team Black Rains. The first duel shall consist of the Ground Duel, with Team Future World’s Ayame Suzuki squaring off against Team Black Rain’s Tori Kinjawa, the spirit of fire. Who will it be? Who will be the team that proceeds to the next round?” Ayame heard the announcement. It was time to begin her first official duel in the league of professional dueling. As she got suited up, she reflected back on why she was doing this. Wait a minute…why was she doing this? She doubted her real ability as a Duelist after watching Ressen pummel his opponents. Ayame wondered if she could do the same. She put the thought beside her and made her way to the arena. “As long as I believe in myself, I can win,” Ayame thought to herself. “And now, I present to you, the student with some pizzazz, the greatest ace of her class, the princess of New Domino Duel Academy, Ayame Suzuki.” A platform lifted up from the right side of the arena, carrying the girl on it. Ayame was fastened with a Duel Disk. She stepped out from the platform, hearing the screaming of the fans as she took her spot on the Dueling Platform. This is what Ayame strived to be. “And her opponent, the mistress of fire, the wielder of the spirit of flames, I give you, from Team Black Rains, Tori Kinjawa.” Smoke billowed out from the left side of the arena, and from it emerged Tori fastened with a red duel disk. She was waving to the crowd with a grin on her face. She turned to her opponent with a frightening expression on her face. “Well, let’s get on with this, shall we,” Tori said. Then, she held out a coin to her opponent. “Since I’m so nice, I’m giving this to you. You flip it and I call a side. If I call it right, I go first. Sound fine?” Ayame nodded. She rest the coin gently on her thumb. Then, she flicked her thumb, sailing the coin into the air. It flipped multiple times before it landed square in Ayame’s glove. “I call Tails,” Tori said. Ayame opened her palm. “That was a bad call. Guess I’m going first,” Ayame said, looking at the coin, heads face-up. Both duelists then took their spot at the Dueling Arena. “Alright, let’s do this,” Tori said. “And the duel has started! I can’t wait to see what kind of action is going to ensue,” the MC started ranting. Both duelists drew their five-card hand, while Ayame followed up with an additional sixth. [b]Ayame LP: 4000[/b] [b]Tori LP: 4000[/b] [b]Ayame Card Count: 6[/b] “First off, I’m activating the “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Foolish_Burial"]Foolish Burial[/url]” Magic Card. This allows me to send one monster card from my Deck to my Graveyard, and I choose “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Tuningware"]Tuningware[/url]”. Now, I Normal Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Junk_Synchron"]Junk Synchron[/url]”. Then, I activate its effect. When “Junk Synchron” is Summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Level 2 or lower monster from my Graveyard, like my “Tuningware”.[b] [/b]Now I activate the Magic Card “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Machine_Duplication"]Machine Duplication[/url]”. This allows me to Special Summon 2 more “Tuningwares” from my Deck. Now I tune the Level 3 “Junk Synchron” with my “Tuningware”. Since “Tuningware” is used as Synchro Material, I can treat it as Level 2, rather than level 1. I Synchro Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/X-Saber_Wayne"]X-Saber Wayne[/url]”.” Ressen, who was watching from the sidelines, approved of Ayame’s move. “Since “X-Saber Wayne” was Synchro Summoned, I can now Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower Warrior-Type monster from my hand, like “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Jain%2C_Lightsworn_Paladin"]Jain, Lightsworn Paladin[/url]”. Then, lastly, I activate my last Magic Card, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Lightwave_Tuning"]Lightwave Tuning[/url]”. Now, until the End Phase, my Level 4 “Jain, Lightsworn Paladin” is considered a Tuner monster. Now I tune the Level 4 “Jain, Lightsworn Paladin” with my remaining two “Tuningwares”, which will be considered Level 2. [i]"Shall the shadows rise to power, the light shall prevail and drive the evil spirits away! Synchro Summon, Holy Power, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Light_End_Dragon"]Light End Dragon[/url]”!”[/i] “You sure don’t waste any time, do you? It’s my draw!” [b]Tori Card Count: 6[/b] “I place two cards facedown. That’s all for now.” “I see. This might be easier than I thought,” Ayame said to herself. [b]Ayame Card Count: 2[/b] “Go, “Light End Dragon”, attack! Cripple her with your “Shining Sublimation” attack.” “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you,” Tori said, laughing. “Trap Card open, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Negate_Attack"]Negate Attack[/url]”. This stops your attack completely and ends the Battle Phase.” “Fine, go ahead and make your move.” [b]Tori Card Count: 5[/b] “I Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Flamvell_Firedog"]Flamvell Firedog[/url]” in Defense Position. Then, once again, another facedown.” “Those facedowns might be a problem in the future,” Ayame thought to herself. “My draw,” she said aloud. [b]Ayame Card Count: 3[/b] “I’ll place one card facedown. Now, “Light End Dragon”, attack her “Flamvell Firedog” with your Shining Sublimation attack!” The dragon began charging up an immense beam of light, and then shot it out towards Tori’s monster. Ayame felt something wrong, however. This was too easy. When the dust settled, Tori’s monster had vanished. “Thank you, because that really helped me out. Trap Card open, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Backfire"]Backfire[/url]”. Whenever a Fire Attribute monster on the field is destroyed in battle, you get burned with 500 points of damage.” Ayame saw a burst of flame emerge from the Trap Card and burned her. It wasn’t painful, but it did cause Ayame to stumble over. [b]Ayame LP: 3500[/b] “That won’t matter, since “X-Saber Wayne” can now go in for a direct attack.” The swordsman leapt across the field and slashed Tori with his huge double-edged sword. [b]Tori LP: 1900[/b] “Your move, Tori,” Ayame said. [b]Tori Card Count: 4[/b] “Hey, what our leader said yesterday, we really are nice people. And I think I’m gonna show it. Here’s a present for you. Of course, I have to Tribute 2 monsters on your field in order to Summon this monster, but I think you are going to like it. I Tribute both “Light End Dragon” and “X-Saber Wayne” in order to Special Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Lava_Golem"]Lava Golem[/url]”. Instantly, both of Ayame’s monsters were sunk to the bottom of a lava pit. From it emerged a monster that covered the entire field in lava and fire. It was “Lava Golem”. [b] [/b] “See, I can be a very generous person,” Tori continued in a sarcastic manner. “Of course, the best presents are the ones that hurt, too. During your next Standby Phase, you’ll get slammed with 1000 points of damage.” “Figured that there was something behind this monster. But in doing so, you’ve left yourself wide open for an attack.” “Maybe two facedowns will make you change your mind.” Ayame drew her next card, looking at the monster that now occupied her field. [b]Ayame Card Count: 3[/b] “Before you proceed any further,” Tori interrupted, “I activate a Trap Card, “Remove Brainwashing”. This forces my monster back on my side of the field.” The “Lava Golem” sank back into its hole and re-appeared on the other side of the Dueling Arena. “Why do that? Now you are the one who will be taking damage each turn. Moreover, you seem to have forgotten about my face down,” Ayame said, “which I will now activate. Trap Card open, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Wicked_Rebirth"]Wicked Rebirth[/url]”. This brings back a Synchro Monster from my Graveyard to the field, in exchange for 800 Life Points. [b]Ayame LP: 2700[/b] “Ha! I knew you were going to do something like that. Trap Card open, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Flamvell_Counter"]Flamvell Counter[/url]”. By Banishing my “Flamvell Guard”, I can negate the effect of your Trap Card and destroy it,” Tori said. I reveal another Trap Card, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Solemn_Wishes"]Solemn Wishes[/url]”. With this card in play, every time I draw a card, I gain 500 Life Points.” “Persistent, aren’t you,” Ayame said, shrugging her shoulders. “Oh well, guess I’ll just set one monster facedown and end my turn.” “Then allow me!” [b]Tori Card Count: 2, LP: 2400[/b] “Due to the effect of “Solemn Wishes”, I gain 500 Life Points. Now during the Standby Phase, I take 1000 points of damage due to “Lava Golem’s” effect. [b]Tori LP: 1400[/b] “Now I’ll attack. “Lava Golem”, attack her facedown monster.” The “Lava Golem” crawled over to the facedown monster. It raised a fist and slammed down into the facedown monster. From it emerged a wolf holding three cards in its mouth. “Humph. Such an annoying monster,” Tori remarked. “So you’ve heard of “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Ryko%2C_Lightsworn_Hunter"]Ryko, Lightsworn Hunter[/url]” then? So then, you must know that when he is flipped up, I can destroy one card on the field, in exchange for giving up the top three cards from my Deck. I target your “Lava Golem”.” The small wolf leapt up into the air, swirling the three cards around before they landed in Ayame’s hand. They were “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Wulf%2C_Lightsworn_Beast"]Wulf, Lightsworn Beast[/url]”, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Card_Trooper"]Card Trooper[/url]”, and “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Realm_of_Light"]Realm of Light[/url]”. She placed them into the Graveyard. Then, with blazing speed, the hunter wolf leapt up to the monstrous golem. In a flash of light, both monsters were destroyed. “I’m not done, though. Since “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast” was sent from the Deck to the Graveyard, he is automatically Special Summoned to the field.” “Oh, boy, this doesn’t look good,” Tori said to herself. “That’s right. On my next turn, I’m allowed to attack you directly. You don’t have any monsters on the field and no traps to protect you,” Ayame yelled to her opponent. “I draw!” [b]Ayame Card Count: 3[/b] “You’ve put up a good duel, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to end this. “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast”, go in for a direct attack!” “You didn’t think it was going to end like this, did you? No way! I activate the effect of “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_Fader"]Battle Fader[/url]” from my hand,” Tori said. “When you declare a direct attack, I can Special Summon this card and immediately end the Battle Phase.” “Fine. I Normal Summon “Lyla, Lightsworn Sorceress”. [b](Level 4/1700 ATK/200 DEF) [/b]With that, during the End Phase, I send the top three cards of my Deck to the Graveyard.” The three cards were “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/XX-Saber_Fulhelmknight"]XX-Saber Fullhelmknight[/url]”, “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Bottomless_Trap_Hole"]Bottomless Trap Hole[/url]”, and “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Jenis%2C_Lightsworn_Mender"]Jenis, Lightsworn Mender[/url]”. One more “Lightsworn” monster, and Ayame can bring out her “Judgment Dragon” from her hand.” “Then, allow me,” Tori said. “Don’t forget, every time I draw a card, I gain 500 Life Points by the effect of “Solemn Wishes”.” [b]Tori Card Count: 3, LP: 1900[/b] “I’ve still got plenty of firepower left within me,” Tori declared. “I Tribute my “Battle Fader” in order to Tribute Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Horus_the_Black_Flame_Dragon_LV6"]Horus, the Black Flame Dragon, Level 6[/url]”.[b] [/b]Then I activate the Magic Card “Bonfire”. This allows me to move one Level 4 or lower Fire Attribute monster from my Deck to my hand, and I choose my “Flamvell Baby”. Now I activate an ability from my hand. By sending “Flamvell Baby” to the Graveyard, my “Horus, the Black Flame Dragon” gains 400 additional ATK. [b](6/2300/1600>>6/2700/1600) [/b]Now attack “Lyla, Lightsworn Sorceress”. The immense dragon swooped overhead and extended a front claw to swipe at the sorceress. The holographic image disintegrated into a hundred pixels. [b]Ayame LP: 1700[/b] “Now, during the End Phase, since “Horus the Black Flame Dragon Level 6” successfully destroyed a monster in battle, I can Special Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Horus_the_Black_Flame_Dragon_LV8"]Horus the Black Flame Dragon Level 8[/url]” to replace it!” Ayame’s face degenerated into shock as the dragon underwent a transformation. The wings grew twice in length, and scales started to form around the body of the dragon. The jaw of the dragon opened up to reveal fangs that had grown twice in length, and fire started to form on its wings. “Alright, that’ll certainly give me a workout. Too bad, it’ll fall as quickly as it rose,” Ayame remarked. She smirked and looked at the “Judgment Dragon” card in her hand. “I really must thank you for doing what you did.” “Why is that,” Tori questioned as Ayame drew her card. [b]Ayame Card Count: 3[/b] “I believe you will find that the power of light shall prevail over all of the elements, no matter how strong or resilient they are,” Ayame said. “Since I have four different “Lightsworn” monsters in my Graveyard, I can Special Summon “[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Judgment_Dragon"]Judgment Dragon[/url]” from my hand.[b] [/b]And when he is Special Summoned to the field, by paying 1000 Life Points, I can destroy all cards on the field, including that dragon of yours.” “What? No way,” Tori said slowly. “It seems I have met my match in battle then.” [b]Ayame LP: 700[/b] The light dragon prepared a shining ray of light. In the next instant, the blast incinerated every card on the field. Tori’s dragon was out of sight, and so were all the other cards on the field. “Now go, Judgment Dragon”, and wipe out the rest of her Life Points.” “Okay, I give,” Tori pleaded, as the white blast blinded her. [b]Tori LP: 0[/b] “And by a gap of 700 Life Points, Ayame Suzuki is the winner,” the MC stated over the intercom. “That was some intense dueling. With that first duel comes great potential for Team Future Worlds. Remember folks, we still have two duels remaining, and these are the two Turbo Duels waiting for you. We have Phoenix from Team Future Worlds going up against Team Black Rain’s Asuka Yoshida next, so stay in your seats, people. You don’t want to miss this.” Ayame approached her opponent and shook her hand. Tori’s smile met with Ayame’s. The two of them looked at the screen to see Phoenix on his Duel Runner circling the track. “Humph. Reminds me of my brother,” Tori stated. “A thrill-seeker, adrenaline-junkie, and Turbo Dueling fanatic.” She turned back to Ayame. “I hope you guys rock it during the Championship.” “Thanks. Just watch us: we’ll rocket all the way to the top,” Ayame said, smiling. She went back to the platform. Within the next second, the platform transferred her beneath the Dueling Arena. “At least, I hope so,” Ayame thought to herself. [/spoiler] Question for all those who are reading: Should I keep posting/writing this, even though it spans the length of 23 chapters now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 The duel felt a bit quick, but it was nice. And yeah, you should keep writing this imo. 23 chapters isn't actually [i]that [/i]long compared to other fics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 UPDATE: More pics. And more bios! And also, schedule has been fixed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I wonder who all is watching my topic. I know I am right now, so that means I am the first person, and I think the second person is IceDorago, since he responds almost as soon as I post something on here. I have no idea who the third person would be though...this is gonna drive me insane for the rest of the day. BTW: Bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceDorago Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Ibashi is the third. You can click on the icon of the people an the number, and that will give you a list of names. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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