Huntar! Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I'd like to join... And if you dont mind, I have a poem... Watching you here, in the darkSeeing him makes me stark.Thinking starts to make me greedyIn your case it makes me needy.Damn, I need you more than air.His love to mine can't even compare.An addiction without a drugI want more than a friend and a hug. simple rhyme scheme... I dont like the 5th or 6th line though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I'd like to join... And if you dont mind' date=' I have a poem... Watching you here, in the darkSeeing him makes me stark.Thinking starts to make me greedyIn your case it makes me needy.Damn, I need you more than air.His love to mine can't even compare.An addiction without a drugI want more than a friend and a hug. simple rhyme scheme... I dont like the 5th or 6th line though.[/quote'] You're in. And if anything, I like the 5th and 6th best. It gives the poem some actual attitude! I would fix the 2nd line, though.. Sounds wrong.. @ Avanz: True. Sometimes longer poems are much better. @ .::Spawn::.: Lol, okay. I'll keep that in mind. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hioco Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hey can I join? I am only 12 and am not very good at this "poem" thing but i'll give it a go. These trenches are but wet and cold.My mind is set on the truth.We are going to die out here. I am a "Doomed youth". As I shoot these anxious bullets.One bomb gets thrown ahead.We all tried to get away,but all seemed dead. Where is the victory we were promised.I am still not proud.My coffin set and the music rings.I am but lonley in this crowd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Definitely work on your scanning. It should have better rhythm.Sure, you are in. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntar! Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 A bit of me dies, everyday.Seeing you with him like that. Saying you love him. Well thats not the game I play.I hope you see this world's not flat. Say that to someone else. Of all the fish in the sea.You can't see one thats always there. Pick a new fish. Im not here to get greedy.Im just saying that we should dare. Pick this fish. Maybe I have missed my chance.Maybe I've run out of time. You really like him, dont you? Should I quit these thoughts of romance?Should I step out of this line? But I really like you. No, I will not quit today.At least not without a fight. Saying you love me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Ooh, I like it!Very good word images! ^_^ Also, guys? You can give C&C on people's poems too, you know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 i dont know what c&c is but that last poem was VERY good! can i advertise 1 thing on here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntar! Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks everyone... this chick is driving me nuts.. like... literally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 can i advertise 1 thing on here?well can i? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntar! Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 he hasn't been online to respond to that yet. -.-"I am just one of many.Who follow you around. All seeking your attention.All seeking whats not found. As much as I try to stand out.I blend in with the crowd. As much as my voice is spoken.Not once can it be loud. I know that I am noticed.But no more than anyother. She just make me feel special.And that is why I love her. Even though she loves him.I will one day win her heart. But until that very day.I shall play my side smart. ------------ Its not done yet. There are still 6 more lines, unfinished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 can i advertise 1 thing on here?well can i? It really depends what it is... PM me. @ Hunter: Ah, young love.. ^_^Very nice. You express your feelings well! I have a love poem too, but I'm not gonna post it. ^_^Here's another of mine though. Sillytown: Once I went to Sillytownto see the silly people.I also saw their silly churchbeneath its silly steeple. The silly doctors of the townall worked at silly hours,and silly girls went all around to sell their silly flowers. The Very Silly Mayor said,“ I fear we’re all absurd.The visitors are moving,‘least that’s the silly word.” The silly papers printed itin great big silly type.The silly anchors screamed iton TV most every night. The silly girls were selling flowers“All At Discount Price!”The silly doctors gave “Free House-Calls”In order to be nice. The Mayor was discouraged“This has never happened, Never!”All his plans had come to naughtWhy, they were sillier than ever! Just then he got a great idea!This one was a jewel!Instead of being really nice,we’ll try out being cruel! The little girls soon started sellingputrid globs of slime.The doctors started yellingat their patients all the time. Sillytown did not do very wellneedless to say.The Mayor soon retiredand left the USA. So I went back from where I cameas quickly as a bird.For I have learned my lesson now.“Don’t ever be absurd.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntar! Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 that was funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 HAHA! I remember silly town! :D 1 Stanza poems are fun too! :) Like this 5 lines one I did just now, on the spot! :D Heliocentricity Eyed in central pointin all perspective and base.Flaring brightly with no out-run.Galacticly central to the face,exactly like our sun. I know, it doesn't make any sense. :D THAT"S THE POINT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Ooh, confusing! ^_^It sounds neat. =P Nah, it makes some sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 you should probably change the name to get more ppl to join. make it like "The Awesome Club of Poetry Awesomeness!! Poets Only!!" Here,There,EverywhereI look hereI look thereI look everywhere I look here and see the groundI look there and see the skyI look everywhere and see nature I look here and see a bikeI look there and see carsI look everywhere and see vehicles I look here and see momI look there and see dadI look everywhere and see family Sincerely,fit8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 @ your suggestion: GOOD GOD, NO!! I'd rather keep it classy and dignified. (Only real poets know what the word "laureate" means.) Your poem is fine. I'd get rid of the vehicle verse, if I were you. I doesn't sound poetic. Put something else there instead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 well what does laureate mean?what could i put instead of vihicles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Sir Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 [spoiler=Beware the Spoiler]Staying in my room,my coffin of solitude.“I could read a book,”I think to myself. Books screaming forattention, like Howler monkeys.My dad tells me toclean this pigsty beforeeating. Whoa!It’s 6:20, and I have ten minutes!My dad will be mad,but this monotonous feelingcomes quicklyand goes slowly. I get off the floorto clean the floor.I need to do more,but I’m so… Bored. Pick up this and thatfinally the reward. Cold Beef. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 ....May I Join.... Heart[align=center]His body cold as iceFeet burning hot by frictionHis distant eyes that of a rogue wolfAnd heart burning with loveHe finds his home in the cold ArcticHis lean body up against the cold wallsYet he still holds that ringNo heat has left or touched his bodyHis soul lost still in that battleYet he forever waitshis Eyes weary from loss of sleepSilver guns dropped by his hand start to rustHis body weak of starvationYet he still remains in that spotA woman soon finds himSame attitude different faceThe hunter rises and the lover grasps himHe is taken to her home where she fed and loved himYet outside in a chair he still waitsHis eyes looking always at the starsSearching and waiting for his lost love[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 well what does laureate mean?what could i put instead of vihicles. Look it up. >_>Also, the choice is up to you. @ .::Spawn::.: LOL, I love it! I think we all can relate to this poem! ^_^ @ .:Haruki Adachi:.: ....Yes, You May....I like your poem! It's very mysterious!One thing: You constantly say he's either hot or cold. What is he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntar! Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Spawn, I lol'd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 [align=center]Sonnet. Lunar A lustrous orb suspended in the skyLights up the Earth with it's resplendent rays, And guards over the night from up on highBy seeming to set the whole sky ablaze.From dusk till dawn, the rising of the sun,She bathes the world with her sweet misty light.At the gold morn, she knows her work is done,And seems to vanish with the close of night.The sky is bright, the moon is in her den.Among the restless stars she softly treads,And waits till she can light the world again While all the world is sleeping in their beds.If you look out the window some night soon,Look up into the sky and thank the moon.[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 the man's body is cold as Ice but can run so fast that the friction creates heat on his feet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 the man's body is cold as Ice but can run so fast that the friction creates heat on his feet Okay, just a little confusing.. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Sir Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Spawn' date=' I lol'd.[/quote'] Thanks lol. Time for winging it! Haiku :P Improvisation.It is difficult to do.What did you all think? I'm so natural.I think I'll go on some more.Oh, Buns. Back to beef. ^^^Beware the spoiler. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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