Haseo Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Can someone help me with this poem. It is for a class:A PigeonA Bird with mysterious A creature that has no boundariesIt can fly from corner to cornerState to state, Country to CountryA creature that has numerous colors on itColors that show it’s personality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Can someone help me with this poem. It is for a class:A PigeonA Bird with mysterious A creature that has no boundariesIt can fly from corner to cornerState to state' date=' Country to CountryA creature that has numerous colors on itColors that show it’s personality[/quote'] Change "A Bird with mysterious" to "A bird of mystery" with a lowercase bird. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.Why capitalize country?Make the last 2 lines (the ones about color) more descriptive and imaginative. More creative.I like the idea! @ .::Spawn::.: Nice scanning! No mistakes there.Good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enrise Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Join if I may? Or take it as a no I shall? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Join you may unless want you don't? =P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enrise Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Okay, why else would I ask to join, If I don't wanna join in the first place? Course I wanna join! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would like to join! ^_^ Waking and Dying MomentsLife is but a dreamYou wake up, your existance collapsesYou fall asleep, you are reincarnatedInto a world of endless possibilitiesThe fading moments are confidenceIn which the mind wants to stayBut eventually dies, and you wakeAnd die into realitySo goes on the mystery of lifeAnd it's hidden purpose IDK about this poem, just made it up in 5 minutes. :\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would like to join! ^_^ Waking and Dying MomentsLife is but a dreamYou wake up' date=' your existance collapsesYou fall asleep, you are reincarnatedInto a world of endless possibilitiesThe fading moments are confidenceIn which the mind wants to stayBut eventually dies, and you wakeAnd die into realitySo goes on the mystery of lifeAnd it's hidden purpose IDK about this poem, just made it up in 5 minutes. :\[/quote'] The poetry of which you writeMust be longer paid in time.Fluenzy can be reached through thisWithout costing a single dime. (basicly says "Spend more time writing your poems." Because this one lacks the time effort needed to be fluent. Flow in a poem should be the last thing you should work on, but it is also one of the most important factors in the poem. Without flow, then the entire poem can be ripped apart way too easily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 oh cool a poetry club.... may i join? also i really want to learn who to do it but i'm not to good at remaining...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 oh cool a poetry club.... may i join? also i really want to learn who to do it but i'm not to good at remaining...... You are in I suppose. I think you will be able to learn. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 thanks..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I see... Ok I wrote anoter one. It's a Quatrain, if that counts. [align=center]MistakesLife is but a simple dream, it’s easily disturbedOur minds tell us to stay on track, but then we hit the curbOnce we know our errors, all we do is watch and cryAt what we could have done before or what we could have tried[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 well for now a copple days ago i found this......http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4872777/1/Dreams_Nightmaresit's a lot of pomes that i.....seam to like about writing about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I see... Ok I wrote anoter one. It's a Quatrain' date=' if that counts. [align=center']MistakesLife is but a simple dream, it’s easily disturbedOur minds tell us to stay on track, but then we hit the curbOnce we know our errors, all we do is watch and cryAt what we could have done before or what we could have tried[/align] Every mistakes has a price to payA payment of which we thrive for.Avoiding the price is not as simpleas it is for opening a door. (Yeah.. This one has some fluenzy mistakes as well. Take alittle bit longer this time in thinking about what you are going to write about. Try going for an hour at most and 15 minutes at the least. Keep that up and you'll be able to do responce poems like I just did. They are quick and also very defining.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I see... Ok I wrote anoter one. It's a Quatrain' date=' if that counts. [align=center']MistakesLife is but a simple dream, it’s easily disturbedOur minds tell us to stay on track, but then we hit the curbOnce we know our errors, all we do is watch and cryAt what we could have done before or what we could have tried[/align] Every mistakes has a price to payA payment of which we thrive for.Avoiding the price is not as simpleas it is for opening a door. (Yeah.. This one has some fluenzy mistakes as well. Take alittle bit longer this time in thinking about what you are going to write about. Try going for an hour at most and 15 minutes at the least. Keep that up and you'll be able to do responce poems like I just did. They are quick and also very defining.) As you said in response to this poemMy mistakes are to be learned laterTherefore, I shall try to be more fluentSo that all my poems will be greater (XD This is fun!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I see... Ok I wrote anoter one. It's a Quatrain' date=' if that counts. [align=center']MistakesLife is but a simple dream, it’s easily disturbedOur minds tell us to stay on track, but then we hit the curbOnce we know our errors, all we do is watch and cryAt what we could have done before or what we could have tried[/align] Every mistakes has a price to payA payment of which we thrive for.Avoiding the price is not as simpleas it is for opening a door. (Yeah.. This one has some fluenzy mistakes as well. Take alittle bit longer this time in thinking about what you are going to write about. Try going for an hour at most and 15 minutes at the least. Keep that up and you'll be able to do responce poems like I just did. They are quick and also very defining.) As you said in response to this poemMy mistakes are to be learned laterTherefore, I shall try to be more fluentSo that all my poems will be greater (XD This is fun!) Although what Avanz said is true, I like it all the same.It speak to us, our lives, our pastthat life is not a game. (It is! I'm counting each of these rhyming bits as half a poem. ^_^) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Cool! I'm getting the hang of this! ^_^ I'll make this one just to catch up with Hunter. ;) Of all the doom upon this worldThere's little good existantThe cracks in which let in the lightThe gaps between them, distant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 here's my first one.....darkness shinesI'm in the darkness all alonei here nothing but my own screamsi feel to much pain to even movei have had enough despair but maybe one day maybe the darkness will shine no more..... so how was my first one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 [align=center]::_A World Untamed_::A thousand worlds had begun and goneWith little to fairly cast a blame.Faults on no one as no one to faultsteps forward to accept the shame. Lighting a way away from madnessand accepting an exceptional painis no one who can listen nor see,is no one willing to lose what they gain. Facts turn to opinions infront of wary eyes,oppressing matters become untamed,Ghosts by accident or of deliberacy ariseonly to make one feel ashamed. Is this the world beginning and goingRight infront of of your very brain?Will this be what the world will come to,Or will this world still be the same?[/align] CnC please.This took me 30 minutesList format is fun Midnightwolf16: You have some word choice errors. Even though "Here" is spelt right, it's the wrong one. You should have used "Hear" i is supposed to be capitalized. Try to steer away from biased titles. And whatever I said to Bludmonkey, goes for you too. Practice with Fluenzy. Flow is the among the most important aspects of poetry. It's what separates a poem from a story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 *bangs head on a table* so i guess it really sucks..... a supachly that i'm writing two stories right now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 [align=center]::_A World Untamed_::A thousand worlds had begun and goneWith little to fairly cast a blame.Faults on no one as no one to faultsteps forward to accept the shame. Lighting a way away from madnessand accepting an exceptional painis no one who can listen nor see' date='is no one willing to lose what they gain. Facts turn to opinions infront of wary eyes,oppressing matters become untamed,Ghosts by accident or of deliberacy ariseonly to make one feel ashamed. Is this the world beginning and goingRight infront of of your very brain?Will this be what the world will come to,Or will this world still be the same?[/align'] CnC please.This took me 30 minutesList format is fun Midnightwolf16: You have some word choice errors. Even though "Here" is spelt right, it's the wrong one. You should have used "Hear" i is supposed to be capitalized. Try to steer away from biased titles. And whatever I said to Bludmonkey, goes for you too. Practice with Fluenzy. Flow is the among the most important aspects of poetry. It's what separates a poem from a story. Nice poem! Very deep! Just to let you know, I don't think of the word, "brain" as very poetic. Maybe some other word to use?I would like to see a poem not too deep or complex out of you sometime. Think you can do it? ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I used the word "Brain" because I couldn't find another word to keep that same rhyme scheme that would make sense right there. And sure, I'll think of something. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I have 2 more poems I wrote a while ago: Nobody Knows Nobody knows why the world was createdWhat it was made of, or its creation was datedWhen the light was bright, when the darkness corruptedWhen the calm ocean water was interrupted. Nobody knows why the harsh wind blowsWhy the heavy rain falls, why the river flowsWhy the fire inside makes volcanoes eruptWhy the lava burns and burns nature abrupt. Nobody knows why the trees stand so tallWhy the birds fly so high, why the land mammals crawlWhy the fish in the sea swim with such graceWhy the worms eat the soil that dirties the face. Nobody knows what tomorrow will beFor no one can know exactly what there is To see... When Death Occurs When death occursThe blood seizes to stirThe heartbeat rate goes down southYour brain is shut downYou cant make a soundExcept the gurgling of blood in your mouthYou lovers will cryOf the moment you diedAnd your funeral's held in your cityYour fathers will carrythe coffin you lay inAnd put you where you're to be buriedAs the corpse of your bodyrots in the soil a dirtyThe light shines on your graveYour spirit ascendsinto heaven withinSo that God will have all your sins savedSo as you look downto your family belowWish them luck and answer their prayersBecause no matter whatThey will always be inYour heart as yours is in theirs. :\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I like the first one. It is very true. On the second, work on it some more. There are some grammar problems.. Needs some work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 That'll Be The DayWhen all the wars stopWhen all the storms dieWhen all the animals come outWhen everyone gets alongWhen all is calmWhen all is peacefulThat'll be the dayYep that'll be the day just for the record its not spose to rhyme ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 That'll Be The DayWhen all the wars stopWhen all the storms dieWhen all the animals come outWhen everyone gets alongWhen all is calmWhen all is peacefulThat'll be the dayYep that'll be the day just for the record its not spose to rhyme ok. I picked up on that little fact. Just to clarify, what is The Day that we're talking about? Judgement day? What?Meh, it's okay.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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