Raelen Posted March 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 i got a new one.:What a strange man:.What a strange manHe walks down the street with blood in his handYet he helps the poor and hopelessHe holds a blade on his backYet he dislikes fightingDown the bombed street he smiles devilishlyAnd he says everything will be betterHe continues walking exploding the guns in their handsAnd a tear drops from his face as he saw them on fireHis solid body breaks down and cries for the deadWhat a strange man Nice!One thing' date=' "And a tear drops from his face," is in the present tense, while, "as he saw them on fire" is in the past tense. Change it to, "as he [u']sees[/u]them on fire." Also, 100th POST!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 thanks for the help///new poem.:Who?:.In a blank room stands a mirrorYet the more I look the more I can't find myselfI see a man in a dark suitI find a rebel in a worn out jacketI continue and find a demon who lusts for bloodI ask who are youAnd they answer "We are you"But I refuse! I reject!You are not me! You are just shadows!You are just mere creations! You can't be me!I am the real me!But who am I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 Here's the finished version of "Breathe In" [align=center]Breathe InBreathe in to see the differenceOf everything we try to grasp,Of every future we hold to.Of every hour left to last. Breathe in to feel the magicAs it courses before our eyes,As it flows within our spirit,Even after someone dies. Breathe in to smell the auraThat drives our senses wild.Leaving not a moment's peace.Like the immaturity of a child. Breathe in to hear the music,Let its melodies calm your thought,Let its rhythm shape your past,Before your future can be caught. Breathe in to taste the delicates.Let the sweetness end your twitterness.Let the healthy keep you breathing,Instead of tasting that useless bitterness. Breathe in to smell the warm night air,Breathe in to see the rainbow,Breathe in to feel the calmnessBefore the chimes sound below. Breathe in to taste the moment,Breathe in to grasp its reins,Breathe in to hear the silenceIn the world where silence gains.[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 Ooh, I like it! The last 2 lines in the 3rd verse: Could you change it so it scans better? It becomes a bit too long.In the 4th verse: Change the "it's" to an "its" without the apostrophe. Great poem!! @ Haruki: Very good! It gives us a lot to think about ourselves!The demon is very scary and the reaction is wonderfully intense!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jericho Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 You cannot stop usFor we are oneYou cannot stop usFor we are manyYou cannot stop usFor we are legionYou cannot stop usFor we are Anonymous A kind of poem I don't usually because it doesn't rhyme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 Nice! Gives a very powerful feeling!And it's good to do something you don't usually do!! ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 Made 2 more poems. [align=center][spoiler=[b]Angry Moment[/b]]I sit - I'm sitting at the stationAs I slouch impatientlyWhile I go through my complicationsAs fire burns inside of me I feel burning in my soulMy teeth are gritting; fists are clenchingMy face is rd as burning coalAs I sit, waiting, on my bench My heart is beating oh so fastThe sweat is worsening my thirstMy self control is dropping vastI feel as if I'm going to burst Until the fire of my mindIs halted by my happy thoughtsMy tight fists loosened; teeth seized to grindPreviously sweating, now I'm not My bus arrived, and I walked inUntil it hit me like a flashI seemed to be recoveringFrom all that soda that made me crash. [spoiler=[b]Fate[/b]]Do not discourage your own fateOr consequences will be greatBe fairly wise when choosing your pathOr prepare to face the devil's wrath! lol And I'll post this one just for laughs! XD [spoiler=[b]Adding Negatives[/b]]There was a plus and a minus.The minus had gingivitis.It breathed on the plus, the plus sniffed and it ran,And that is my adding negative plan. [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 ... i'll post a pome latter today.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 WonderingAs I sit in my chairAs I lay on my bedAs I seem to float on the airMy mind wonders It wonders into places unknownIt wonders as I sleepIt wonders as I work It wonders about lifeIt wonders about spaceIt wonders about wonderingMy mind wonders I wonder if my mind was wondering good that time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 new one .:Silence:.Ah the beautiful feeling of this momentMy eyes which gently close to block all lightMy mind creates a place of povertyA place where the moon always shinesforever illuminating the reflection of the sunPeople as I see them pace by try to talkBut they all seem so muteAh the power of silence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 [align=center]ok here it is.... i wrote this durning school today right after my boyfriend toll me he might be moving out of state....:cry:Love youi know i haven't said thisi know that we haven't done the things the others have done i know you some time think of mei always think of you, i know you have to do thisi know you don't want to but we all have to move at some pointi know i'm making you regrat thisbut please don't feel that wayi know how far we might be from each otherbut all i want you to know is that... i will never forget you,and i will always love you i know it's really chease but i was really sad at the time....[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Very nice poems all! fit8 & Midnightwolf16: Work on spelling. And Wolf, please capitalize words. Fit8, I think you're using repetition almost too much.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Ammi goin' 2 fast 4 u? =P [align=center][spoiler=[b]Glory[/b]]The desert of doubt dries up my skinI feel the hopeless sun shine brightUntil I just continue walkin'The rain of satisfaction spritesI see relieving nature bloomOf glorious grass; triumphant treesI see behind what I have groomedOf all the stress that I have seized [spoiler=[b]My Life is Like a Country Road[/b]]My life is like a country roadI drive along under blue skyAnd with an open mind, I rodeWhile watching other cars pass by [spoiler=[b]Writing is Like a Roller Coaster[/b]]You're thinking at the stationYou ask for help adjustingNow all you do is hang on tightAnd let the coaster do it's thing [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Ammi goin' 2 fast 4 u? =P [align=center][spoiler=[b]Glory[/b]]The desert of doubt dries up my skinI feel the hopeless sun shine brightUntil I just continue walkin'The rain of satisfaction spritesI see relieving nature bloomOf glorious grass; triumphant treesI see behind what I have groomedOf all the stress that I have seized [spoiler=[b]My Life is Like a Country Road[/b]]My life is like a country roadI drive along under blue skyAnd with an open mind' date=' I rodeWhile watching other cars pass by [spoiler=[b']Writing is Like a Roller Coaster[/b]]Your thinking at the stationYou ask for help adjustingNow all you do is hang on tightAnd let the coaster do it's thing [/align] Ahhh!! I can't keep up!!Nice poems! One thing. You might want to change a "your" to a "you're." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 is the repetition better now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 is the repetition better now? Um, what?Eh, it's fine. It's just a bit too simple, if that's what you mean.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Very nice poems all! fit8 & Midnightwolf16: Work on spelling. And Wolf' date=' please capitalize words. Fit8, I think you're using repetition almost [u']too[/u] much..i was talkin bout this. ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted March 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Very nice poems all! fit8 & Midnightwolf16: Work on spelling. And Wolf' date=' please capitalize words. Fit8, I think you're using repetition almost [u']too[/u] much..i was talkin bout this. ^^^ Yeah. I think you may use, "It wonders" too much. Then again, it's your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 well i dont like making long poems...but i think i'll make 1 MysteriesThere are mysteries all around us Where did we come fromWhere did weather come fromWhere did anything come from We will be usBut why not other people We will not live without waterBut why can we live without meat We will sleepBut why not just stay awake These are mysteries all around us like i said, i wont make it very long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Don't know what I was thinking here but it seems funny kinda[align=center].:Time:.Tick!Tock!He's comingTick!Tock!Just a little moreTick!Tock!His chains are brokenTick!Tock!His cage is brokenTick!Tock!He's at the horizonDong!Dong!Dong!You better runBang!Too Late[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jericho Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 [spoiler=Unnamed Poem]I know why the lone wolf howls,I know why the lone wolf prowls,I know why the lone wolf cries,It's all alone, and then it dies. [spoiler=Unnamed Poem 2]The loneliness is setting in,My torment will soon begin,When she is sad it makes me cry,To make her happy I would even die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 [spoiler=Unnamed Poem]I know why the lone wolf howls' date='I know why the lone wolf prowls,I know why the lone wolf cries,It's all alone, and then it dies. [spoiler=Unnamed Poem 2']The loneliness is setting in,My torment will soon begin,When she is sad it makes me cry,To make her happy I would even die. Both poems end in "die." XD The second one seems ripped apart at Line 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jericho Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 How does it seem ripped apart? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blud Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 How does it seem ripped apart? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by that. It means the poem lacks fluency' date=' meaning it can easily be torn apart by the readers. If a poem lacks fluency, the readers' mood could change completely when reading a part of the poem, when really they should have the [i']same[/i] mood throughout the entire thing. Confusing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 If epic poetry counts, will join. I'll post the Zephyr-and-Flora poem I'm doing for Snitch tomorrow. @Jericho: The first one reminds me of Holes.The second one's last line is awful; why that "even"? It throws off the rhythm, and detracts from the meaning besides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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