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Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
in Creative Writing

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CrabHelmet

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Whee, another Naruto fanfic.

 

[spoiler=The 38th Parallel - {Naruto: Rise of the Red Moon}]Our next subject is Naruto: Rise of the Red Moon by CarlinFan.

 

This is a Naruto fanfic that starts from around chapter 493 of canon. My complete knowledge of Naruto hasn't grown since I last reviewed one of these things, so yes, I am still horribly unqualified to do this. Let's go!

 

Prologue: The Recruits

6:55 PM, Hidden Location, Meeting Room

 

The statement that this takes place in "Hidden Location" amuses me. But at any rate, we're skipping this prologue and going to Chapter 1.

 

If you've read a lot of Foe Fiction, then there's something wrong with you, but more importantly, you're probably noticed that most stories seem to think that description is optional, giving us little more than the hero's name and hair colour before jumping into the latest Battle City clone. CarlinFan here, however, seems to have chosen the opposite route. The entire prologue is a description, told from the eyes of one guy, of a bunch of people sitting in a room doing nothing. That's it. The whole thing is him looking at them and describing them in turn. Nothing happens at all. I am seriously not cutting anything out here.

 

Oh, and Chapter 1 doesn't even take place in the same room with the same people that the Prologue described.

 

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against description. I love description. Some of my best friends are descriptions. But description is like a fine wine: it's probably good in and of itself, but when underage kids use it, they're liable to make fools of themselves. In this case, our author got so caught up in just writing a pure physical description of a bunch of people we don't know that he forgot to include, you know, the story.

 

A lot of bad fanfics open with a section that consists purely of description.

 

They call it Chapter Characters.

 

Now, this isn't as bad as your standard Chapter Characters. It's in the story itself, written in paragraph form, and the description is actually pretty good. But that still doesn't get around the fundamental problem that you're opening the story by dumping an encyclopedia of exposition on our heads at the outset.

 

Not to mention the fact that most good authors can describe a scene without creating a separate chapter to do so.

 

Chapter One: Recuperation

7:00 PM, Madara's Base

 

I'd also have thought you'd be able to establish a setting without just announcing each scene's time and location like that.

 

Rain fell between the vertebrae of the giant skeleton entombed in the ground around Madara's base, thudding rhythmically upon Sasuke's head. The droplets slid down his temples, moistening the collar of his black tunic as he finished unwrapping the bandages around his eyes. According to Madara, the transplant procedure had gone remarkably well. Sasuke's fraternal relation with Itachi had something to do with that, Madara was sure. All that Sasuke knew was that his eyes were full to bursting with power, and he needed to release some of that energy as quickly as he could.

 

I have no idea who these people are or what's going on or why some guy apparently just received an eye transplant from his brother, but the writing here really is pretty nice. It's a welcome change from Riley narrating how much the world loves him.

 

Sasuke let the bandages around his eyes slide out of his fingers. They fell to the ground, brushing against his legs before landing near his bare feet.

 

It does sometimes give off a vibe of trying too hard, though. But that's still better than YCM's standard of not trying at all.

 

Sasuke opened his eyes for the first time in eight hours.

 

He had to close and open them again to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

 

Sasuke's vision was perfect.

 

How often does one hallucinate having better vision than normal? Even when I'm having a dream where I'm a bird or something, I don't end up with superhuman bird-vision.

 

Every detail of the valley around him stood out in perfect clarity. His vision was as good as it was before he awakened the Mangekyou... no, it was better. Sasuke could now easily make out individual raindrops, and his long-distance vision was just as amplified. Madara hadn't been exaggerating when he said the Eternal Mangekyou granted the user perfect sight.

 

If he was promised perfect sight, then why was he so surprised when he ended up with perfect sight?

 

Sasuke extended his right arm before him, spreading his fingers. "Susanoo."

 

What does that mean!? You either explain or I'll stop this early and set off the bomb!

 

A massive, translucent red arm materialized around Sasuke's own. Sasuke smiled at how much less energy it took to activate this power compared to before. He clenched a fist with his own arm, the phantom limb mirroring his actions. Sasuke extended his left arm, materializing another crimson appendage. Now he was grinning.

 

The author's note said that Sasuke was going to be the main character, and the very start of the very first chapter seems to consist of Sasuke getting a bunch of power-ups, from superhuman vision to enhanced magical abilities (or maybe not magic but something else that the Narutoverse uses that's just like magic). And from what I've heard thirdhand, he's already really powerful in the canon and has a lot of the canon storyline focused around himself...

 

I really don't want to call Mary Sue on this - not after how bad Riley was and not with this story's writing quality. And there is insufficient cause to call Mary Sue on this - so far. (I'm not even familiar enough with canon to say whether these superpowers are commonplace or game-breaking.) But when the very first thing you do with the character you chose to be your protagonist is to give him some extra superpowers, that is definitely an early warning sign.

 

Sasuke spread his arms out, the entire Susanoo body appearing in a flare of crimson chakra. The body smashed through the vertebrae above Sasuke, bone hailing down around him. As Sasuke lowered his arms to his sides, Susanoo's mask and cloak wove their way around the body thread by thread. Sasuke reached up, gripping a bone protrusion with Susanoo's arm. He easily pulled himself up, vaulting up onto the spinal cord. He fell into a sprint, blazing forward before launching himself off of the spine. Sasuke flew through the air, hurtling towards the cliff face at the far side of the canyon.

 

There's some awkwardness in the writing here stylistically, with virtually every sentence beginning with either "Sasuke" or "He", but the fact that I'm actually complaining about something like that instead of just saying "Is it that hard to spellcheck your stories!?" for the millionth time is very refreshing.

 

He pulled back his right fist, punching through the cliff and causing a small avalance of rock.

 

"Avalance"? Is it that hard to spellcheck your stories!?

 

As Sasuke landed on the canyon floor, he punched the cliff again. Now a massive torrent of boulders fell towards him. Sasuke held his left arm before him, generating the Susanoo Bow he'd used against Danzo.

 

It's already hit-or-miss when fanfic writers pull out references and callbacks to things that happened in canon when those references basically serve no purpose beyond fanservice, but if you are going to do that sort of thing, the last thing you should then do is explicitly call attention to the callback. That just looks terrible. Yes, we get it - or, to be more precise, I don't get it but your target audience does - you referenced the canon. If it's not going to be relevant, just leave it as an Easter egg; don't explicitly state that it's a reference and then dance around expecting everyone to applaud you for being so clever.

 

With his right arm, he drew back the string, a chakra arrow forming along his left arm. He pulled the string back as far as he could before releasing the arrow. It plunged into the avalance, burying itself in the rock face beneath.

 

AVALANCE

 

Sasuke smiled, making a one-handed seal.

 

With the seal, Sasuke released the arrow's chakra. It detonated in a crimson flare, sending boulders flying and carving a depression into the rock face. Sasuke momentarily basked in the glory of his newfound power as rain and rocks fell all around him.

 

My favourite Canadian province is Newfoundpower.

 

As the last of the boulders fell to the ground, Sasuke became aware of a strong chakra behind him. "I see you've become acquainted with your new abilities."

 

Which is probably a good thing, because if you didn't know what you were doing, you could have blown yourself up with that exploding arrow pretty easily.

 

Sasuke deactivated Susanoo, wiping sweat from his brow. He turned to see Madara standing in the shade of the spinal column covering the entrance to the Akatsuki base.

 

More seriously, it's much better to show off Sasuke's new abilities by having him use them and showing us what they do than by simply having someone tell us what they can now do. I approve of this.

 

"It's... amazing, to have so much energy flowing through me. It feels like having the power of a god at your fingertips. Is that what it's like controlling the Kyuubi?"

 

Well, that answers my question about how powerful these abilities are in this universe. Apparently, CarlinFan's first act as author was to give Sasuke god powers.

 

Madara ignored the question. "Come inside. There are some people you should meet. But first... Zetsu, if you would?"

 

A pair of green jaws attached to a body's shoulders rose from the ground between the two Uchiha. Between the jaws rested a head that was black on one side and white on the other. Sasuke instantly recognized Zetsu, Akatsuki's espionage specialist.

 

And to complement the Narutoverse's ninjas not using stealth, its espionage specialists are instantly recognizable.

 

Madara inclined his head at the plantlike Akatsuki. "Zetsu, did you manage to rescue them?"

 

Zetsu nodded curtly. "Yes. It was something of a pain killing all those Samurai, but the job's done as you requested."

 

Madara: "Did you rescue them?"

Zetsu: "Are you referring to the people to whom I think you are referring?"

Madara: "Yes, I am referring to those people."

Zetsu: "Good. Well, killing all of those samurai was a pain-"

Sasuke: "Which samurai?"

Madara: "The samurai being discussed."

Zetsu: "Indeed. Anyhow, the job is done."

Sasuke: "What job?"

Zetsu: "The job."

Madara: "Was it completed as requested?"

Zetsu: "Indeed, that job we are discussing was completed in that manner."

 

I hate it when people deliberately speak in absurdly ambiguous terms just to deny the readers information. It's a cheap way of trying to build mystery and suspense that just backfires by creating really awkward dialogue, and in many cases leaves the reader not so much intrigued as annoyed. This use is a bit better justified than most are, since Madara and Zetsu might be trying to deny Sasuke information, but in that case they should be discussing this in private without first calling Sasuke over anyhow.

 

Zetsu spread his arms, palms turned down. "Kagerou: Unsou."

 

Beside each hand, a body began to rise from the ground. Their attire was identical, samurai armor over Akatsuki cloaks. However, one had bright orange hair, while the other's was white. Sasuke breathed a mental sigh of relief at the sight of Juugo and Suigetsu. Beside the latter lay the two pieces of the Guillotine Sword, which was damaged in the battle with the Raikage's guards.

 

And if you are going to use ambiguous dialogue to create mysteries, don't then proceed to start revealing the answers in the very next paragraph.

 

Suigetsu and Juugo both fell to their knees, coughing violently. Sasuke could see dark green mucus flying from their mouths.

 

Ah, the perils of third-person limited done wrong.

 

In third-person limited, we see the world as a character - usually the protagonist - sees it. We see and hear only what they see and hear, but we also find out what that character is thinking.

 

Since the story is obviously in third-person limited, we know that everything we see is what Sasuke sees. That means that, instead of saying "Sasuke could see blah blah blah", you can just say "Blah blah blah". This sounds much less unnatural and avoids pointless repetition. The exception, of course, is when we are interested not in blah blah blah but in the fact that Sasuke was able to notice blah blah blah or Sasuke's reaction to blah blah blah; here, however, blah blah blah is happening in plain sight in Sasuke's presence, and if Sasuke has any thoughts on the matter, the author hasn't decided to share them with us.

 

"Apologies," Zetsu began. "My Transportation technique works by using spores filled with oxygen to aid the target in respiration while they're transported underground. It can be... less than comfortable." The bouts of coughing lasted another few moments, at which point Suigetsu turned to face Sasuke.

 

"At which point" doesn't agree here; the first part of the sentence discusses the duration of the coughing but does not refer directly to its ending. "After which" or something similar would be more appropriate.

 

I know all of this sounds nitpicky, mainly because a lot of it is, but everything about this story gives off incredibly strong impressions that it's a first draft - a fairly well-written first draft, especially by YCM's standards, but one in need of revision.

 

"Bastard. You abandoned us." Suigetsu spat on the ground in Sasuke's direction, flipping his former superior the bird. Juugo smirked at his ally's petulance. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

 

"Baka. You didn't think I had an extraction plan for you two? Why the hell would I leave a pair of shinobi as lethal as you to the dogs?"

 

..."Baka"? Really? You're going to throw random Japanese words in here for no logical reason? They're obviously speaking Japanese the whole time, with the story written in English via translator convention; why would that single word, which has a really straightforward English translation, be left in Japanese? Come on, this is just amateurish. Gratuitous Japanese is like the hallmark of bad anime fanfiction.

 

Suigetsu sputtered for a moment, confounded. He gave up after a moment, muttering a curse. Juugo chuckled at him. Suigetsu gave him the finger without turning away from Sasuke. "What about the Guillotine Sword, huh? What the f**k do you have to say about that?"

 

Sasuke sighed. "Find a blacksmith. It can't be too hard to kill him afterwards."

 

Wait, if this sword is so important, why can it be repaired by a simple expendable blacksmith? And if it isn't so important, why does it have a special name, and why is Suigetsu so concerned over its destruction?

 

Eh, I suppose that would probably make sense if I actually read Naruto.

 

Madara cleared his throat loudly. "Children, as entertaining as this is, there's work to be done." He beckoned to them. "Come with me. There are some important people for you to meet." With that, Madara turned to walk back into the Akatsuki base. The others followed, Suigetsu glaring daggers at the back of Sasuke's head.

 

And so the chapter ends with the narrative rules being broken. This is third-person limited, told from Sasuke's perspective... but now we suddenly hear about what Suigetsu is doing behind Sasuke's back where Sasuke couldn't possibly see him. Did Sasuke's new supervision include the ability to see through the back of his own head? Or did it include mind-reading powers?

 

On the whole, this fanfic was actually not terrible. Sure, it wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible either, which is pretty impressive considering that this is YCM. The description was well done, and showing off Sasuke's powers instead of simply stating them is definitely the right way to go; on the other hand, the prologue went rather overboard with the description, the only plot development that I as a non-Naruto fan could really see was the protagonist instantly gaining superpowers, and and while the writing was mostly pretty good, it still reads like a rough copy. And how could you be such a baka as to not use MSWord's spellchecker?

 

It's not exactly a Hopeless Paradise, and there's nothing terrible unique about it to make it stand out from the crowd, but as it stands it's decent and has potential, and with a bit of cleanup and proofreading, it could - assuming that more actually happens in the later chapters and Sasuke doesn't become a Mary Suesuke - end up being a fairly good fanfic.

 

 

 

Figures; the one time something half-decent crops up, it requires five hundred chapters of a terrible series as background.

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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I actually made my post before really reading your review, so here goes.

 

Sasuke is actually by far one of the most egregious examples of a Canon Sue. Jaden is but your average shonen hero compared to him. Sasuke is a Base Breaker Wesley, so if anything, the only reason Naruto can be considered a terrible series - other than every character being a not!ninja - would be that it focuses too much on Sasuke. He's effectively become The Dragon, and yes, the ability he got at the start of the fic is ridiculously overpowered, even by Naruto standards.

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legendhiro Newbie

legendhiro

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everyone in naruto (or at least everyone focused on in the story) is in some way overpowered and sue-ish, and they consistently gain new, more broken powers and even speak ridiculously cryptic sentences to each other, so things here are pretty sound when compared to the canon.

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GenzoTheHarpist Newbie

GenzoTheHarpist

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Wait' date=' you mean Sasuke's already a Sue, and CarlinFan's first action was to make him even more overpowered? o_O

[/quote']

 

No, the powerup referenced in the story is something that already happened in canon. This is exploring what happened post powerup, with the abilities the transplant gave having already been known in canon.

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Ecoboy1324 Newbie

Ecoboy1324

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Yes' date=' that is by far the worst thing you can do with a story that isn't Digimon restoration. Obnoxious, not to mention illogical.

 

On a different topic, I have a personal vendetta against Naruto ever since a joke about a Naruto oneshot got my password changed on a little SMF forum.

[/quote']

 

Sience when has fanfiction ever been logical?

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legendhiro Newbie

legendhiro

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Only Naruto and Sasuke have been gaining powers. All Madara can do from what we've seen is make himself intangible and teleport.

 

true. i concede the point. however, it is true that continuing to give sasuke new abilities is in no way contradictory to cannon.

 

although intangibility and teleportation is nothing to sneeze at ^_^

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Ecoboy1324 Newbie

Ecoboy1324

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You make a fair point. I'm victim to it to' date=' considering that I've written a story about Pokemon mobsters. Not kidding.

[/quote']

 

Pokemon Mobsters can exist within its universe though (Team Rocket,Galaxy etc).

What im talking about is the stupidity in crossing over something like Harry Potter, Which doesn't have card playing teenagers, And Yugioh which doesn't have wizards and witches by simply handwaving it and falling one the rule of cool without properly explaining anything. Or the fics that just doesn't make any sense within the logic the universe is using.

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