Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Grunt Issun]

hmm...*pictures Blue fused with charmander* AAWW IT BURNS!!

[CarlinFan]

Thanks for reviewing my fic, Crab. I posted the revised chapter just now.

[Toffee.]

Human/Pokemon Hybrid Mobsters.

 

At least a wild Pokemon Trainer named Vader didnt appear

[CrabHelmet]

If you don't understand the title, you need to get to know your Freddie Mercury better.

 

[spoiler=In The Land That Our Grandchildren Knew - {The Legend of Zelda: Blade of Dimensions}]Our next masterpiece is The Legend of Zelda: Blade of Dimensions by PikMan.

 

Let's see if we can top yesterday's success with a fanfic for a fandom other than Yu-Gi-Oh! that I actually know well: The Legend of Zelda, or, more specifically from the looks of it, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. And I'm sure this will be a good story because it helpfully opens with a Chapter Characters to inform us who these weird obscure figures like Link and Zelda and Parakoopa are, and which do so in the most meticulous detail I've ever seen, like this brilliant deconstruction of Ganondorf's character:

 

Ganondorf

Age: Unknown

Personality: Power-hungry and aggresive.

Appearance: Dark skin, red hair, black armor, red eyes, jewel in his forehead

 

With such an economical efficiency with words, our author, who has proven his good taste in writing by being a fan of Pichu's brilliant, scathing, and downright hilarious reviews, begins his epic tale of romance, adventure, suspense, horror, and glory.

 

Chapter 1: The Search Begins

Link woke up with a severe case of bedhead. He put on his floppy green cap, and went outside his treehouse. There was Navi, hovering on the doorstep.

 

Already, we see the beginnings of our author's brilliant prose. Through the employment of such flowery descriptions, intricate character motivations filled with subtleties, and complex sentence structures, PikMan paints a wonderful tapestry of beauty. And he wasn't even phased by the fact that you're not supposed to paint tapestries.

 

"Link, you overslept again", the annoying fairy said. "You need to stop staying up late."

 

Those of you who have played a decent amount of Ocarina of Time or who are familiar with the fandom will know that Navi is widely considered by players to be incredibly annoying. Our artist included a reference to Navi being annoying in-universe, even though she is never characterized as such, because only a true master shatters the fourth wall in the second paragraph to include a cheap rehash of an ancient meme of which everyone has grown sick by now.

 

Sadly, the strain on even a master such as PikMan in creating such an immaculate reference was great, so such details as what a Kokiri child would be regularly staying up late doing are ignored. Fortunately, only philistines who care about nonsense like sensible world-building will actually mind such omissions.

 

"Sorry, Navi," Link said. Every morning, this same thing happened; Link would oversleep, and Navi would lecture Link. It was the natural order of things, it seemed.

 

For those of you bamboozled by the elegant diction of this passage, allow me to summarize the natural order of things:

 

1) Link sleeps in.

 

2) Navi hovers outside his house, waiting for him to wake up and come outside on his own.

 

3) Navi most emphatically does not wake Link up herself, as depicted in the opening cutscene of Ocarina of Time and as would appear on the surface to be the sensible course of action. Such changes are where the brilliance of our artist's innovations shine.

 

An order that was about to be disturbed.

 

The less intelligent members of our audience might well wonder why Navi and Link are together at all. After all, in canon, Link is the Boy Without A Fairy, and Navi is sent to join him only when the Deku Tree summons him to go on his quest. Here, Navi is still not Link's natural fairy, since she was waiting outside for him rather than sleeping with him, but they seem to be together in ordinary peacetime when this Link has never gone on an adventure before - a skim confirms that, no, this does not take place immediately after the events of Ocarina of Time. So why is Link with Navi? Well, foolish mortal, the answer is perfectly logical, but it's so obvious that it isn't even worth mentioning. PikMan feels the same way, which is why he never explains this either.

 

Link and Navi often went out in the forest, gathering Deku Nuts. Link had a bag full of them, as he loved traveling and Deku Nuts were known to paralyze creatures of the wild.

 

I can relate to that. It's sort of like how I regularly roam through the woods near my house to collect nerve gas so that I can use it to paralyze the local wildlife. That way, I get to simultaneously enjoy my two loves: hiking and unnecessary animal cruelty.

 

He expected this trip to be the same, but found that there was a higher concentration of monsters. In fact, the whole forest looked a bit shady.

 

You see, this is a pun on the two meanings of the word "shady", which can be used to mean either that the forest looked suspicious or that the forest had lots of shade from the sun, since it's a forest and it has trees that create shade. Such clever elements are included to enhance the reading experience.

 

Suddenly, a carnivorous plant rose out of the foilage; A Deku Baba, Link realized.

 

The misspelling of "foliage" in a way that a simple spellcheck would have noticed is truly a masterstroke, for it powerfully deconstructs our modern society's tragic descent into relying on people actually spelling words properly, as compared to far simpler times such as Link's era in which few were literate and those who were literate spelled stuff however they wanted.

 

He had read about them, but he had never seen any before in New Hyrule. They had been abundant in Old Hyrule, before it was flooded.

 

The presence of Link's treehouse, Navi, and, if Chapter Characters is any indication, Saria all make it clear that this is the Link of Ocarina of Time, but this talk about the flood and New and Old Hyrule makes it clear that this is instead a Wink Waker-era Link. And unlike Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf, characters like Saria and Navi do not reincarnate or last between different time periods. The artist here flaunts his expertise by making the Legend of Zelda timeline even more confusing than it already is.

 

Link threw a Deku Nut into the plant's open mouth, paralyzing it. Link ran, with Navi close behind.

 

Running away is absolutely vital, for though one might think that, given Deku Babas' inability to move their heads outside of the tiny radii their stalks provide, such rapid fleeing would be entirely unwarranted, as a mere single step backward would suffice to take our heroes out of danger's reach, the truth is that... well, I'm sure PikMan knows what he's doing.

 

"What's going on? There are monsters everywhere!" Navi said.

 

Link nodded, saying "We should figure out what the heck's going on."

 

This is the high point of the dialogue's quality.

 

As he said that, the two had ran into a clearing.

 

Mirroring his previous declaration of independence from conventional spelling, PikMan here continues to demonstrate his freedom from the encumbrance of mere commonplace and unimaginative grammar.

 

"Maybe we should head back to the village", Link suggested.

 

"Um, Link..." Navi started to say.

 

Link slowly looked behind him, and whipped around.

 

They had been followed.

 

There was a man clad in black armor riding a black armored horse. He had dark skin, red hair, and a jewel in his forehead.

 

I can relate to this guy. Whenever I want to stalk some people through a forest, I mount a horse and dress myself and my horse in pure black noisy metal armour, with some red decorations just eliminate any unfair advantage the shadows might give me. Since I stalk five-year-old children with mental illnesses, my cunning stealth tactics have never failed me.

 

"Who are you?" Asked Link. "Why are you following us?"

 

The man didn't answer; Instead, he pulled out a sword and fired a blast of dark magic from its blade, knocking Link unconscious.

 

Speaking as an unarmed twelve-year-old who has just discovered that he has been stalked by a towering black horseman, I feel that the most sensible course of action is to ask demanding questions. I applaud the realistic characterization.

 

When he awoke, Link was alone. Navi was nowhere to be seen. Link tried to get up, but staggered in pain. He felt a painful scar in his chest. Trying to ignore the pain, he went back to his treehouse.

 

After bandaging his wound, he got his wooden shield out and began his search for Navi.

 

Personally, I wouldn't tell any of the other Kokiri that I was attacked by a dark warlord, my fairy completely vanished, and I was in need of medical attention. The best course of action would obviously be to administer myself a bit of first aid and set off to find my fairy - who, from all appearances, was kidnapped by a magical black knight who can knock me out and badly wound me in a single shot - with only a wooden shield. I'm glad to see that this story follows standard logical conventions.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" Said a voice.

 

You bloody moron! Don't you DARE pull this stupid "Said" nonsense on me again! I have absolutely had it with all of these idiots on this stupid forum pulling this same nonsense! You lot always use "Said" as your dialogue word, which is pathetic enough for anyone who has passed third grade, but then you have the audacity to go and capitalize it after all of these quotations for no reason! What is wrong with you fools!? Have you never been to school!? Have you never read a book!? What about this extremely basic principle is so hard for you cretins to wrap your thick skulls around!? Screw you! Screw you, you twit! Screw you all!

 

...I, uh, think I broke character there for a moment.

 

Link looked back, and saw standing there was Saria, his best friend besides Navi.

 

"I was going to look for Navi. I think he's been kidnapped, and I'm going to look for him."

 

In this universe, Navi is male rather than female! Our brilliant composer here presents his staggering social commentary on the unforgivable negative treatment of transsexuals in modern society!

 

Saria smiled slightly. "Follow me", she said.

 

I should here note what a kind stylistic choice the artist made in restricting the maximum length of each paragraph to two lines. This averts any amateurish mistakes like having too much description, or too much depth, or too interesting a dialogue.

 

Rummaging through her belongings, Saria was looking for something.

 

"Where is it", she muttered. "Oh wait, there it is!"

 

I'm glad that it explained that Saria was looking for something, since there are a lot of reasons why one might rummage through one's own belongings saying "Where is it?" and similar phrases. PikMan prides himself on his epic's accessibility even to those with such disabilities as not having a functioning brain.

 

Turning back to Link, she pulled out a small sword.

 

Handing it to Link, she said, "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this."

 

Ah, rehashing old memes from this iconic scene in the original Legend of Zelda never gets old.

 

Link took it, and swund it around a little.

 

Lin's so awesome they needed to invent a new word just to describe his epic sword skills. This is the best story ever.

 

"This sword is great!" Link said.

 

Shut up. This sword's greatness pales in comparison to this epic masterpiece's magnificence.

 

"Made it myself", Saria replied.

 

Well, that explains why the sword is merely "great" and not "unspeakably awesome". I know PikMan, and you, Saria, are no PikMan.

 

"Listen, if you're going to search for Navi, be careful."

 

"I will."

 

With that, Link walked out and began his quest to find Navi.

 

And with that, I must sadly bring this review of this fabulous tale to a close.

 

Everything here is absolutely perfect. There are no spelling and grammar errors, so this was obviously heavily proofread and run through a spellchecker, rather than just lazily thrown up on the internet without a care for such concerns as quality. The breathtaking description and amazing dialogue really draws you into the world of the story. Moreover, the plot is highly original, and all the characters are multi-dimensional with complex personalities and motivations. For example, as Chapter Characters so kindly notes, Saria is both loyal and supportive simultaneously. That's deep rounded character design there. And of course, the author never messes up by getting canon wrong and certainly doesn't stoop so low as to throw in terrible internet references that even GameFAQs knows aren't funny anymore.

 

Really, what is there to complain about? This is all just too perfect.

 

On a scale of zero to five stars, I give this six stars. No, ten. No, eleven. No, twenty-two. You know what? I'll give this all of the stars in the sky. If you don't read this amazing story, you are stupid. That may sound insulting, but it's the truth, you-

 

Crab Helmet, come quickly! You are urgently needed immediately, now, in the future!

 

What are you doing here!? You're dead!

 

I'll explain later. Quick, get in this time machine with me. Seven years from now, after Link came of age and was released from the Sacred Realm to wield the Master Sword against Ganondorf's armies, you became incapacitated and unable to perform the next review, and it needs to be done immediately!

 

How can it be so urgent? We're in the present; the future isn't going anywhere.

 

I'll explain later. Now, follow me!

 

Certainly, certainly. Oh, by the way, what review number have I reached after seven more years?

 

Fifty-three.

 

...fifty-three?

 

Your schedule started slipping just a tiny bit. Now, let's go!

 

 

 

Guys, Pokemon mobsters are nothing. Just look at Baccano! and you'll understand.

[Hydra of Ages]

 

"Where do you think you're going?" Said a voice.

 

You bloody moron! Don't you DARE pull this stupid "Said" nonsense on me again! I have absolutely had it with all of these idiots on this stupid forum pulling this same nonsense! You lot always use "Said" as your dialogue word' date=' which is pathetic enough for anyone who has passed third grade, but then you have the audacity to go and capitalize it after all of these quotations for no reason! What is wrong with you fools!? Have you never been to school!? Have you never read a book!? What about this extremely basic principle is so hard for you cretins to wrap your thick skulls around!? Screw you! Screw you, you twit! Screw you all!

 

...I, uh, think I broke character there for a moment.

[/quote']

 

I think I know why this is so common. In MS word at least, whenever you write a sentence in quotations that ends in a period, it will automatically capitalize the first word you write outside of those quotations (which is, in most cases, 'said'). If you fix it to be lower case, it'll then register it as a grammar error. While this is sound advice, most writers don't recognize that the error isn't the capitalization, but the fact that dialogue quotations shouldn't end in a period unless it's the end of the sentence.

 

It doesn't do the same thing if the quotations end in an exclamation, question or comma though, so no excuses there.

[legendhiro]

 

 

With such an economical efficiency with words' date=' our author, who has proven his good taste in writing by being a fan of Pichu's brilliant, scathing, and downright hilarious reviews, begins his epic tale of romance, adventure, suspense, horror, and glory.

 

 

[/quote']

 

do you ever entirely leave sarcasm mode, Crab?

 

great review as always.

[Phantom Roxas]

This was probably the most sarcastic review yet.

 

Didn't expect the return of Professor Young Boy, but it was great nonetheless. I get it's supposed to be like Back to the Future, but it's actually reminiscent of the Nostalgia Critic's review of The Room. Do seahorse rule the world in the future?

[BulletMan]

I don't think it's bad enough to make fun of, or it might. D:

But it's worth a shot:

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-199055.html

 

It was made by me some time ago. Might make new ones.

 

Yeah...IDK if you CAN make fun of it. Though, from these stories, IDK what you can't do.

[Dr. Cakey]

 

"Where do you think you're going?" Said a voice.

 

You bloody moron! Don't you DARE pull this stupid "Said" nonsense on me again! I have absolutely had it with all of these idiots on this stupid forum pulling this same nonsense! You lot always use "Said" as your dialogue word' date=' which is pathetic enough for anyone who has passed third grade, but then you have the audacity to go and capitalize it after all of these quotations for no reason! What is wrong with you fools!? Have you never been to school!? Have you never read a book!? What about this extremely basic principle is so hard for you cretins to wrap your thick skulls around!? Screw you! Screw you, you twit! Screw you all!

 

...I, uh, think I broke character there for a moment.

[/quote']

 

I think I know why this is so common. In MS word at least, whenever you write a sentence in quotations that ends in a period, it will automatically capitalize the first word you write outside of those quotations (which is, in most cases, 'said'). If you fix it to be lower case, it'll then register it as a grammar error. While this is sound advice, most writers don't recognize that the error isn't the capitalization, but the fact that dialogue quotations shouldn't end in a period unless it's the end of the sentence.

 

It doesn't do the same thing if the quotations end in an exclamation, question or comma though, so no excuses there.

 

"Unfortunately, dialogue is supposed to be written like this," explained Dr. Cakey.

 

"Oh, I get it now!" exclaimed Blazinghydra. "You're so intelligent."

 

"I am," Dr. Cakey agreed. "Now go make me a sandwich. I must present it as my daily sacrifice to the great god Crab Helmet."

[Hydra of Ages]

...Yes. Exactly.

[evilfusion]

I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY what he had been saying, Dr. Cakey, but thanks for reiterating it for us.

 

Crab must have left the "sarcasm" switch on too long. Overall, it made the review funny, but I feel it started to stale a twinge near the very end. Probably because at the end, the sarcasm stopped being as witty.

[Merci]

Half the things Crab has ever said in her entire life is sarcasm. I have proof. Foe Fiction.

[Phantom Roxas]

Her.

[Ecoboy1324]

Her.

 

That is debatable as Crab has gone both ways in describing itself,

I personally believe that Crab is a time traveling robot sent from the friendly robots that we built prior to 2012 back in time to stop the great Noob war of 2012 that shall it ever occur kill humanity.

 

Offtopic: I should totally make this plotline a Crab Helmet Fan fic.

[Grunt Issun]

Ive always refered to her as a her, but your time traveling robot theory is supported by the ending of its latest for fiction, it all makes sense now

 

the doctor comes back in time, and In the future, it learns its a robot, the world is destroyed in 7 years by the great war of the noobs that lasted 5 years, after it learned this, it got time traveling powers and went back in time to stop the war with foe fiction, by the time of this review, in this time, The doctor will take him in the future agian, thus furthering the chances of the noob war never happening

---

never mind, she posted her gender on her profile now, but that theory is still a good plot for a story

[evilfusion]

I think the gender was "officially revealed" in a long note Crab wrote to Pichu. Many people responded in alarm. Since then, it's been repeatedly stated Crab's female and most people are expected to know that (somehow).

[Ecoboy1324]

I think the gender was "officially revealed" in a long note Crab wrote to Pichu. Many people responded in alarm. then' date=' it's been repeatedly stated Crab's female and most people are expected to know that (somehow).

[/quote']

 

But still until i am sure i am going with the time traveling robot hypotheses.

 

Edit: Never mind she posted on her profile but im still going to make a What If fic devoted to this idea.

All I need to do is find a way that I can make time travel something that is actually feasible and not suspending disbelief that much. I have a theory as to how this might work though, Suppose that Crab was a prototype robot built in 2008 as part of a time travel experiment in sending messages back in time by the future Crab using tachyons that travel faster then light and are therefore theoretically able to travel back. Now there is a problem with this in that tachyons are theoretical objects and haven't been confirmed to exist and that tachyons are unstable and therefore unable to hold information. If I can get past those holes I think I can make this a good story.

[Merci]

You know what? I think Crab Helmet's an experimented Time Lord who, when regenerates, changes gender.

[Grunt Issun]

Nah, Ima say shes a girl, but before the note to pichu, I never knew that, anyway, that what if fic would probably be fun to read

[Lonk]

That review had so much sarcasm, it oozed through the hardest of barriers.

[Ecoboy1324]

Thanks about that what if fic i have the story line down and have begun writing it.

OT: Crab has certainly gotten more sarcastic as of late and thus more fun to read. Keep it up Crab.

[Merci]

I IZ WANT REVIEW NAW.

[Womi]

I'd owe you 3 reps every day for 2 weeks for letting MANSHADOW appear again....

Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase? :cry:

 

Yes, reps are THAT important.

[PikMan]

If they can get away with reincarnating TINGLE, why can't I reincarnate the entire main cast of OoT? (Although chances are, Ruto won't be in it.)

 

P.S. SPEAK NOT OF MY OLD FANFIC REVIEW.

[CrabHelmet]

If they can get away with reincarnating TINGLE' date=' why can't I reincarnate the entire main cast of OoT? (Although chances are, Ruto won't be in it.)

[/quote']

 

Nothing much, besides the minor detail that there's a huge difference between reincarnating one character who's already extremely weird and reincarnating an entire cast of characters - along with things that aren't part of the cast, like Link's treehouse - when many of those characters' races are extinct post-flood. Saria can't exist because the Kokiri don't exist.