His Theme...?

[Blake]

Goodbye. I really can’t bare to show my face around here any more. I just can’t. An era has ended, and I can’t deal with it. Am I going to die? No, I don’t have the gall to end my life. Too scared of the repercussions, to say the least.

I’m angry at the world.

That someone can cheat on his girlfriend, with a girl he supposedly hates, or ask her to let him date a girl who will put out... and come out from it with minimal wounds.

That someone can launch unfounded attacks on your character. Someone you thought was a friend, who you did not provoke in anyway, just suddenly began ignoring you one day. Goes to show their apology in the past was only to make them feel better about themselves, and what they did in… 2011 was true to who they were.

Both names omitted... but you know who you are. This isn't an attack, this is anger that's been inside, but has now been given a true reason to release.

That I was stupid enough to do things that hurt ones I loved, when younger, to feel like I mattered.

 

That I've had this life. That someone who couldn't use it better wasn't born in my place. I didn't even make a true friend for nearly 18 years.

I’m brokenhearted.

That my life, for all my effort, has amounted to 3 close friends. I had another, but that one is slowly fading from my life. After that, Nai and Kate are probably the closest things, and… I rarely speak to either of them. And those are all the friends I have. Apologies to Hina, as well, for being overwhelmed by her a lot of the time. I’m thankful for what I have, but the importance here is the lack of education, employment, or… You’ll see...

That I’ve grown callous, despite the world having given me every reason to do so years before I actually did.

That no matter what I throw effort at, no matter how much, it seems to crumble away.

 

My mother always told me… “Being at the top is lonely.” Dumb kid that I was, I didn’t believe her. I was always the one forgotten, the one unloved, the one unwanted. Couldn’t be worse. So I tried my hardest, after Zeo cast me aside, to climb from the bottom to the top. Because maybe, just maybe, if I made it to the top...everyone could see me.

And they did. In full detail. Being at the top is just as lonely as the bottom… but with the added bonuses of being paranoid and becoming hard, as well as possibly hollow. Even jealousy from loved ones.

Before that, I never really wanted to go out. School was misery every day. As said, I was the chaff. But at home, nothing could reject me. Not family, not games, not stories or shows, nothing. I was safe at home in my loneliness, where I could connect to wonderful worlds created by others. To characters rich and full of an author’s or creator’s love. And this is why my first name, Kazekage Gaara, was chosen. Because I empathized. And I still do. Feeling like a monster is something I doubt I'll ever be totally free of. But I do and always have tried my damndest not to be one.

And even that was proven wrong. Not the stories, of course… The family part. When I was used and cast aside by a parent. Even blood can’t keep me from being rejected.

But there was a little birdie… who was always by my side. When I ran away from zeo and the group on DMG after being neglected, she’d come after me to tend to me. When I had NOTHING, she was there for me. When I messed up at school, she consoled me. When I had fights, she calmed me. When I was stressed, she spent time with me. When I was alone, she’d tend to me.

And I saved her. A birdie who was on the verge of death. Whose hand was as bad as or worse than mine, in different ways. Who needed someone to tend to her as she finished growing up. To keep her alive.

So one last thing before I go… *deep breath* please… remove my marriage with Bree… The e-era is over… and here I am… with only the pieces o-of my heart… The anger at this…. Unjust life… Where I can’t simply... Knock on heaven’s door and demand answers… The few friends… I leave here with… The years I spent… tending to a-a wounded bird… who has now outgrown her cage...and the hopes and dreams… that bird still represents… because she was… the first true friend I’ve… ever made… And while… my heart is… shattered more and more… She still… isn’t leaving my side… And while… one of my friends isn’t here… and the other’s in a drastic time zone difference… I know… they’re with me.. .too...

Thank you… Aubrey… Because even though… it didn’t work out… you still gave me… the best… years of my life… by far… I know I’ll… see you on Skype… but… still… ;~:

Thank you… for trying… your hardest… even when… you thought… it wouldn’t work… becasue even though it didn’t… at least I… can… feel like… I was worth it… at some point… ;~;

This is... all I had... and I can't... bare to show my face... I can't... doing this... is bad enough... Asking for that... is bad enough... So goodbye... ;~;

[Tourmaline]

You'll be better off in the end for this, I promise you will. I won't leave you alone of course, but you know that already.

 

Anyway, you're not alone, but I hope you can focus on yourself now. I've known both of you for years and thought I'd end up closer to her but now I chose to cut that contact. Either way, whenever you need to talk and want that person to be me/have no other options anyway you know I'm always here for you.

 

I think you're still worth more than you say, it's just depression confusing you. Some day you'll feel better about yourself and you'll be happier, and I think this was a necessary step toward that. You'll be okay.

[Progenitor]

Black, I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you might be feeling.  And so I can't say anything on that part.

 

But what I do understand is that loneliness, at least to some degree.  My first year of college, without breaking into a personal narrative, was by no means the prettiest.  Due to a mix of undiagnosed stuff, my own reculsion, the pressures I place on myself to reach the summit, and other factors, I went about 6 months experiencing the worst thing I've ever felt.  A level of stress that kept screaming at me to do better, with a body that refused to comply.  I went almost weeks with as much as 3 hours of sleep total.  And every day it got worse.  And every day I felt like it was because I needed to do better.  And I shared that with no one.  Not my friends back home.  Not my parents.  I had no friends at my campus.  I asked myself those same questions.  

Why was I even trying?

Was I really worth it?

Why wasn't someone else born to have this burden?

Why can't I just do what needs to be done and get it over with?

Why did I let myself fall into this position?

Why can't I bring myself to ask for help.

 

And for asking those questions guilt was thrown on top of stress.  I felt like this was all my fault.  That no one would accept the failure I had become.  That I would always be a screw up unless I conquered this on my own.

And I didn't.

And as the semester came to a close, and I had absolutely nothing to show for it, I broke.  I stopped trying.  And the very moment that thought; that idea of just giving up, I felt like the entire universe was lifted off my shoulders.  I got help.  I got diagnosed.  Just talking about it has made everything clear to me.  And now I will never again have to feel that stress; that guilt; that fear, because I know, no matter what I may go through when I get back up to campus, the people I opened up to: my friends back home, my family, will hear me out.  That they will accept those issues, and help me work towards productivity.

 

I digress, but I hope you can at least see the parallel I'm trying to draw.  I no not the pain of circumstance, but what I do understand is that guilt.

And though all of this, Black, I just want you to understand one thing:  No matter how bad it gets, you cannot let your own guilt consume you.  Believe me I did.  And I'm pretty sure if it had gone on much longer, I might have actually broke mentally.

 

But I didn't.  At that crucial moment, I accepted my shortcomings.  I accepted the fact I couldn't meet the expectations that were placed on me, and through fear of rejection, I still put myself on the line.  You'd be surprised how understanding the people who truly care about you can be.  And there will always be someone.

 

And if there isn't, there is one now.  It won't be easy going through this, but if you accept your past, you will persevere.  And not only that, you will grow as a person.  Understanding your flaws is the first step to overcoming them, embracing them is the second step.

 

I hope, even if there is something offputting about this, you understand at least my tone.  I genuinely understand some of the despair, though it was from a different source.  But the solution is the same.  All it takes is some self evaluation.  I know you will find the answers you need.  And when that happens, I hope to see you around again.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

Ahhh damn. I'm so sorry...And I'm sorry if I ever contributed to the bad feelings, I never meant to but...guess that doesn't say anything.
Anyway I hope you find your path and become happier from that, I know it's possible. You're clever and you can beat this.

I suppose this is goodbye...

[(GigaDrillBreaker)]

You will be missed.

[Andx]

That someone can launch unfounded attacks on your character. Someone you thought was a friend, who you did not provoke in anyway, just suddenly began ignoring you one day. Goes to show their apology in the past was only to make them feel better about themselves, and what they did in… 2011 was true to who they were.

Both names omitted... but you know who you are. This isn't an attack, this is anger that's been inside, but has now been given a true reason to release.

 

Given you're really leaving this time you could have just used my name. Would have told ya why if you'd ever asked.

 

But good on you for not and avoiding the issue I suppose. Good luck with things, enjoy life away from YCM.

[Sploda]

Given you're really leaving this time you could have just used my name. Would have told ya why if you'd ever asked.

 

But good on you for not and avoiding the issue I suppose. Good luck with things, enjoy life away from YCM.

 

Except apparently you blocked him, making it impossible to ask. Funny how that works isn't it?

[Andx]

Except apparently you blocked him, making it impossible to ask. Funny how that works isn't it?

 

That's a relatively recent development in things which drama elsewhere inspired while I was in the process of blocking people. But yes that would have been difficult for the last week or so.

[宇佐見 蓮子@C94]

That someone can cheat on his girlfriend, with a girl he supposedly hates, or ask her to let him date a girl who will put out... and come out from it with minimal wounds.

It's definitely not minimal wounds. That said, I wonder why the girl he cheat on is still allowed to show her face on this site, and has not yet left from shame or guilt, hmmm?

[Wildflame]

Sucks. Good luck out there, and I hope to see you again.

[Sploda]

It's definitely not minimal wounds. That said, I wonder why the girl he cheat on is still allowed to show her face on this site, and has not yet left from shame or guilt, hmmm?

 

Well, he wasn't trying to tell them to take a hike or anything. I mean, he's leaving himself after all. Black just needs to deal with the hand life has dealt him at the moment, and remaining here where he spent so much time and went through so much of what is hurting him right now won't help him heal. He isn't leaving because of any one event, but because of a series of events that have occurred over his almost 5 years spent on this single forum. He just needed to get a few things off his chest as he left, so he brought up a few recent happenings that contributed to his situation. If he went through everything that's contributed, we'd be here for awhile.

 

Caeda as also left YCM now, so this is all being put to bed for good. If anyone has questions, they can ask me. Just note I reserve the right to both not answer and tell you to f*ck off.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

Suddenly I feel that half of this was stuff that shouldn't have been talked about even vaguely in this manner.

[Halubaris Maphotika]

I don't know you very much, I slightly wish I had. If you ever do decide to hang out here a little more and need someone to talk too, my door is open.

[Sethera]

Yeah I didn't know you that well either, though I knew Birdie a bit, and I'm sad to see you both go. :(
Hope you both find your own personal pieces of happiness.

[Makο]

Good luck friend.