Phantom's Divinations |23 is Number 1!|

[Dr. Cakey]

I swear the Tale of Gagagigo wasn't that good when I read it...

[Phantom Roxas]

Was the story written differently when you read it, or is my opinion more positive than yours?

Edited August 18, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Dr. Cakey]

Was the story written differently when you read it, our is my opinion more positive than yours?

You know, I might not have gotten as far as actually reading it. I may have read "there r storiez abt knites dis r not abt knitez" and quit. But looking at this, the only really significant problem is rampant spelling and punctuation fail. The story itself is rather interesting, and the card references are fairly well woven in.

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=16 Candles - {The Legend of Zelda - Majora's Mask - Shining Corruption}]Where's the Supreme King!? ;^)

 

Hello, Micheal. Or is it Michael? Your creator wasn't entirely consistent with your name. I think "Michæl" would be a fan balance, although I think "Gary" is better suited for the likes of you. As for me, you can simply call me Votek. As for this "Supreme King" you speak of, I've already eliminated him.

 

Don't think you're so tough! I'll show you! ;^)

 

Really, boy? A "duel"? Such a mundane way to fight your battles. No, in fact, I do not seek to fight you. I simply require your assistance.

 

Tell me, how did you defeat the Supreme King!? ;^)

 

He simply was not good enough to beat him. Dear boy, I presume you are familiar with the Legend of Zelda universe?

 

What does that have to do with anything? Is there a movie theater nearby? ;^)

 

Please, you have no right to question anyone about relevance. There is a fan fiction based on the series, and I simply request that you assist me in reading it. Nothing more, nothing less. At the moment, at least.

 

Alright, fine. I'll help you.

 

A wise decision.

 

So, what's this Zelda fic? ;^)

 

"The Legend of Zelda - Majora's Mask - Shining Corruption", written by one Gabriel Maeso. Once again, someone cannot even write their own title properly, as it seems quite easy to forget the presence of colons. Unsurprisingly, this is least of the problems plaguing this story.

 

Why don't we begin with Chapter 1? ;^) I just remembered, Conan the Barbarian is in theaters. I should go see that.

 

There is no Chapter 1, you imbecile. There isn't even a prologue. The author does not provide an introduction, or anything of the sort. He simply begins with the story right away. Admittedly, the thought of that is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is poorly executed.

 

=======Termina - Above Clock Town - The Battle on the Moon on the Last Day===============

 

What's with all the equal signs? ;^)

 

Supposedly, it allows the indication of the location to appear more fancy. Naturally, it is entirely unnecessary.

 

In a room filled with a strange energy and with the remains of the 4 masked beasts and that room a fight has ended, a cursed beast named The Majora's Wrath had met it's end on the hands of a young boy named Link which used the Mask of an ancient god, The Fierce Deity - Oni, as the damned beast slowly burned itself to ashes, and aparently destroying the tool which brought it to birth, The Majora's Mask, the tool created by it to destroy the earth and all life was beeing turned into a pure mass of energy, the boy removed the mask of Oni and put it behind his shield, hiding from any other who might want the power of such a powerfull instrument.

 

Do not let your eyes betray you. The entirety of the above is but a single sentence. I suppose I should be kind enough to try and amend this travesty. Then you will be aware of the glaring errors in this story.

 

"In a room filled with a strange energy and the remains of the four masked beasts, a fight has ended. A cursed beast named The Majora's Wrath had met its end at the hands of a young boy named Link who used the Mask of an ancient god, The Fierce Deity - Oni. As the damned beast slowly burned itself to ashes, and apparently destroying the tool which brought it to life, The Majora's Mask, the tool created by it to destroy the earth and all life was beeing turned into a pure mass of energy. The boy removed the mask of Oni and put it behind his shield, hiding it from any other who might want the power of such a powerful instrument."

 

Michæl, I presume you are familiar with the game, so feel free to address the obvious inconsistencies in this single sentence that is truly four sentences.

 

Certainly. ;^) First, "Oni" is just a fan nickname for the Fierce Deity, and it actually has no given name. Second, you say that Majora's Wrath was created and Majora's Mask, and in the exact same sentence, you say the opposite is true as well, even though Majora's Wrath is just a transformation of the mask, and I think the mask houses Majora's spirit, therefore "Majora's Wrath" simply refers to Majora unleashing its, well, wrath. As for Link hiding the Fierce Deity Mask behind the shield, that's not really subtle.

 

You're smarter than I expected, Michæl. I suppose that is due to you're position as high class Gary Stu.

 

A what? By the way, did you see the last Harry Potter film?

 

Adter

 

I'm aware that "F" is adjacent to "D" on a keyboard, but I refuse to believe that you did not notice this error. This is simply unprofessional.

 

some time the Moon was compeltely destroyed, adn on top of the Clock Tower, the boy spoke with the 4 giants which ware aiding him to hold the moon, the Majora's Mask wasn't destroye, but it couldn't be told to anyone, the only ones who could know about it were the boy and the Giants.

 

I suppose this is an advantage of not having blood. My eyes would drown in my own blood if I did.

 

You don't have blood?

 

On a new day, while all of the people on Termina were having fun and enjoying themselves, in a remoted place on the Termina Field some things were beeing done in secret, the boy gave the Majora's Mask to a man which once had it, a man with a giant bag on his back, filled with diferent masks, once the man left he was never more seen in Termina,

 

I know Link promised to give him the mask, but I don't trust the Happy Mask Salesman. ;^)

 

the boy continued to carry the mask of Oni wiht him, he then set journey around Termina to try on finding an old friend, but he didn't knew that the Majora's Mask would not give up so easily...

 

Must I reiterate how awful the grammar is? I must admit, this actually piques my interest for that very reason. I am sure my master would appreciate the world that you are creating here.

 

=======================10 years after the Battle on the Moon========================

 

The boy named Link, had grow up, and Termina had changed a lot since the day that could have been the end of all life, nad the boy aswell, he thought that the Mask of Oni didn't had any side effect on him since all his other Spirit Masks didn't do so, but he soon discovered that it wasn't like that, the Mask had made some side effects on him, they grew with time but he changed because fo them, his hair turned grayer, his right eye turned completly white but he could see normaly with it, his body became stronger than a Goron's, he became swift as a Zora, and all over his left arm tatoos apeared. It was another regular day, people were minding theyr own buisness, Link woke up on his room on the Inn on Clock Town,

 

No one noticed how differently Link looked?

 

he got up and got prepared to start travelling again,

 

So, Link wandered the world for ten years, return to Clock Town, and stayed in the inn? Time skips such as this are lazy and serve no purpose other than to age main characters for the sake of them being older.

 

he got out fo the room and locked the door, on the other room you could hear the old man Guru Guru was practicing again, one of the Rosa Sisters was walking on the hallway, she was complanning that she cou;dn't think of a new dance for her and ehr sister, Link got downstairs and met up with Anju and Kafei, the Inn owners, in the lobby, the curse that was once fallen upon Kafei has been lifted by grat fairy some years ago,

 

So you're just assuming everyone knows what Kafei's curse was? I mean, sure, most people wouldn't read this unless they've played Majora's Mask, but you're just casually mentioning a curse without even explaining it.

 

Link didn't ate breakfast, he just looke and Anju and gave her the key of the room he rented, she looked at him and asked "Oh! You are going already Link?" Link looked at her and said calmly "Yeah. there are still things to do out there." Anju Just smiled and agreed with him, Kafei then pat on Link's shoulder and said "Yo Link! I gto something that will come in handy for you." he then reached right next to the couch and then gave to Link a round Iron Shield and a short sword he then said "I know that you still got your Mirror Shield and that Golden dust Sword, but hey you never know when you might need another blade?"

 

Naturally, this does explain why Kafei gave Link an unnecessary second shield, and I believe that both of Kafei's gifts are rather inferior compared to what Link has.

 

YOU IDIOT. ;^) IT'S THE GILDED SWORD YOU MORON. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID. DON'T THINK YOU'RE THE BEST AT WRITING FANFICS. I'LL SHOW YOU! ;^)

 

Cease your whining this instant, you imbecile.

 

Link smiled and said "Thanks, I'm sure this will be helpfull."

 

It's dangerous to go alone.

 

I'll shall wait for this Chekhov's-Gun-in-waiting to be entirely useless.

 

Link then put his new sword and shield in place, he say goodbye to Anju and Kafei and took of, he got out by one of Clock Town's gates to Termina, he took of his Ocarina and played a song that he learned on Lon-Lon Ranch years ago the Epona's Song, he then saw coming on his way his Horse, the Epona, at high speed, it run till it got in front of Link, Epona had turned into a impresive, and elegant Adult Horse now, Link got up on it's back and shouting for it to go, Epona stood on it's 2 back legs for a second, and then it ran fast in the Swamp's Direction, Link then thought to himself "The first stop, The Swamp!"

 

 

 

 

Naturally, we won't learn why Link is even bothering to go to the swamp until the second chapter.

 

Also naturally, the Gabriel (Who is certainly no angel if he wrote this abomination) had an unnecessary paragraph-sized break after the story, rather than a formal introduction of the thread before unveiling the story.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So that was the introduction on this The Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask Fan Fiction which I'm making, hope you people like it. I will try to post a new chapter as soon as possible.

 

I didn't like it. It was just awful.

 

Your grammar was deplorable, and there was no plot present. What little semblance of such was just exposition to summarize the ending of Majora's Mask and having Link ride off into the swamp for absolutely no reason. Readers who wish to continue this story should only do so in the hopes that Gabriel's grammar is at least at the level of a kindergartener or to see if a unique plot actually develops.

 

 

So, how did I do? ;^)

 

Passable, which is perfectly fine considering the story.

 

What will you do now?

 

I have other worlds that require my presence. My master demands such.

 

Your master? Who's that?

 

Someone you need not concern yourself with, at the moment.

 

Can you at least tell me where he is?

 

He is on his way. I suspect that when I return to visit you once more, he shall already be here. For now, I bid you farewell, Michæl.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Dr. Cakey]

Phew, now I don't have to read Shining Corruption myself.

 

Incidentally, I've never played Majora's Mask.

[PikMan]

After stumbling upon this thread again and reading My Birthday is July 14th, I declare your portrayal of me Jacob to be win.

[Blackstone Dresden]

In response to your comment about Speed Counters from 15 Minutes of Fame, they actually don't gain Speed Counters during the first player's turn. Probably because Speed World doesn't technically hit the field till the first player's Main Phase 1, despite what the anime has.

 

Or it's a continuity error that last for the entirety of the series. Either way, that's the way Speed World's worked from episode 1 to 154.

[Phantom Roxas]

After stumbling upon this thread again and reading My Birthday is July 14th, I declare your portrayal of me Jacob to be win.

 

I'm glad you liked it. Jacob, Dan, and Michæl are all meant to be obsessive nerds, with Michæl's obsessions meant to resemble ADD, as the author insisted on including random references practically all the time.

 

In response to your comment about Speed Counters from 15 Minutes of Fame, they actually don't gain Speed Counters during the first player's turn. Probably because Speed World doesn't technically hit the field till the first player's Main Phase 1, despite what the anime has.

 

Or it's a continuity error that last for the entirety of the series. Either way, that's the way Speed World's worked from episode 1 to 154.

 

Devil's Advocate pointed that out in his thread, so I suppose I'll just remove that comment. I think it's supposed to be like the whole "No one can attack on the first turn" rule.

[PikMan]

If you do another review with Jacob as a guest star, could you possibly mention more characters from his fic of origin, aside from just Roll?

[Ghoulish]

Hey Roxas do you take requests?

[Phantom Roxas]

Certainly.

 

Well, the first page pretty much got shot to hell thanks to the horrible new system. Lovely.

[Ghoulish]

ahk kool, I'll link my request, and yeah I saw that :/

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/224964-distant-memories-an-original-fic-by-soulciety-chapter-4-crates-acceptance-added/page__hl__%2Bdistant+%2Bmemories__fromsearch__1 the Prologue maybe?

[PikMan]

Holy Descent, Holy Descent! You've made the 100th reply to this topic! CONGRATURATIONS!

 

(P.S. That misspelling was intentional.)

[Phantom Roxas]

If you do another review with Jacob as a guest star, could you possibly mention more characters from his fic of origin, aside from just Roll?

The pattern in Votek reviews should be obvious. I'm not sure about when Jacob will show up again, but I can assure you that he will return. As for mentioning more characters from your story, I think I can do that.

 

ahk kool, I'll link my request, and yeah I saw that :/

 

http://forum.yugiohc...__fromsearch__1 the Prologue maybe?

 

That shall be for the eighteenth review, although I hope to have double feature tomorrow.

[Ghoulish]

Kool thanks man look forward to it.

[Catterjune]

No one noticed how differently Link looked?

No stupid, it was slow gradual process that took 10 years to accomplish and the people of Clock Town most likely hadn't seen him for ten years since Link set of for a "journey around Termina to [...] [find] an old friend."

 

Secondly, it doesn't even mention that nobody noticed Link looked differently. It merely states the changes. Good job on nitpicking stuff that wasn't even mentioned and, even it was mentioned, would still make sense all the while missing the actual key fundamental problems with the paragraph you quoted. Three fails in one sentence.

 

So, Link wandered the world for ten years, return to Clock Town, and stayed in the inn? Time skips such as this are lazy and serve no purpose other than to age main characters for the sake of them being older.

In the game, Link is a child. When he puts on the Fierce Deity Mask, he looks like an adult, but with white hair, no irises, and tattoos on his face (and weird clothes yes, but clothes are likely the least of our worries).

 

So no, the time skip here isn't "lazy" or something. Clearly, he had to get primary backstory out of the way, create a "loose end" by making Link keep the mask, and then from here on in he created his own story. It'd be no worse then if someone wrote a "ten years later" fanfic for GX or 5D's, but had something like, Jaden take a card from Syrus at the last second or I-NEVER-SAW-5D'S and expand that into a story.

 

YOU IDIOT. ;^) IT'S THE GILDED SWORD YOU MORON. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID. DON'T THINK YOU'RE THE BEST AT WRITING FANFICS. I'LL SHOW YOU! ;^)

See, but the problem here is that it's what Anju is saying. It's her dialogue, and what she refers to the sword as. It highlights her character as being very inexperienced with blades.

 

If she said "here's that shield you got that kind of looks like a mirror" do you suddenly explode with a "ZOMG! IT'S CALLED THE MIRROR SHIELD! NOT THAT SHIELD THAT YOU GOT THAT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A MIRROR! WTF!?"

 

You just come off as a stupid idiot who overreacts and doesn't know anything about literature. If the narrator himself named it that then, yeah that's a problem, but it comes up in dialogue and it's just a character stating what she calls it. Nothing more.

 

Secondly, and most importantly, there's no indication that "Gilded Sword" is what the people within the Majora's Mask universe call the sword. Even the in-game narration says "You got a Gilded Sword". As in... it's just a description of the sword, not it's proper name. Otherwise it would say 'the Gilded Sword' instead of 'a Gilded Sword'

 

 

tl;dr - Reviewing a Majora's Mask fanfic when you have no experience with Majora's Mask, and less experience with reviewing?

 

You shouldn't have done that.

[Phantom Roxas]

No stupid, it was slow gradual process that took 10 years to accomplish and the people of Clock Town most likely hadn't seen him for ten years since Link set of for a "journey around Termina to [...] [find] an old friend."

 

Secondly, it doesn't even mention that nobody noticed Link looked differently. It merely states the changes. Good job on nitpicking stuff that wasn't even mentioned and, even it was mentioned, would still make sense all the while missing the actual key fundamental problems with the paragraph you quoted. Three fails in one sentence.

 

Even if people did notice that Link looked different, it seemed out that it wouldn't at least be brought up. Again, perhaps the author was saving that little bit for later, but it just seemed weird that Link looks so differently and yet no one comments on it.

 

Imagine going someplace, and you befriend a few people there. When you return ten years later, wouldn't people make some small comment like "I hardly recognize you!"?

 

In the game, Link is a child. When he puts on the Fierce Deity Mask, he looks like an adult, but with white hair, no irises, and tattoos on his face (and weird clothes yes, but clothes are likely the least of our worries).

 

So no, the time skip here isn't "lazy" or something. Clearly, he had to get primary backstory out of the way, create a "loose end" by making Link keep the mask, and then from here on in he created his own story. It'd be no worse then if someone wrote a "ten years later" fanfic for GX or 5D's, but had something like, Jaden take a card from Syrus at the last second or I-NEVER-SAW-5D'S and expand that into a story.

 

There seems to be no purpose for the time skip other than for the sake of having a time skip. What's the point of this being set ten years after Majora's Mask?

 

See, but the problem here is that it's what Anju is saying. It's her dialogue, and what she refers to the sword as. It highlights her character as being very inexperienced with blades.

 

If she said "here's that shield you got that kind of looks like a mirror" do you suddenly explode with a "ZOMG! IT'S CALLED THE MIRROR SHIELD! NOT THAT SHIELD THAT YOU GOT THAT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A MIRROR! WTF!?"

 

You just come off as a stupid idiot who overreacts and doesn't know anything about literature. If the narrator himself named it that then, yeah that's a problem, but it comes up in dialogue and it's just a character stating what she calls it. Nothing more.

 

Secondly, and most importantly, there's no indication that "Gilded Sword" is what the people within the Majora's Mask universe call the sword. Even the in-game narration says "You got a Gilded Sword". As in... it's just a description of the sword, not it's proper name. Otherwise it would say 'the Gilded Sword' instead of 'a Gilded Sword'

 

"Gilded" is an actual adjective. Even a person inexperienced with blades could tell that it's gilded because of the golden finish it has. It doesn't seem that Anju is referring to it as the "Golden dust sword" because she doesn't know that the game refers to it as "a Gilded Sword"; Gabriel Maseo seems to actually make a mistake in referencing the sword, as Anju is clearly supposed to refer to the sword by its in-game name, but the author is the one who got it wrong. Referring to it as a "Golden dust sword" actually makes less sense not because she's not referring to it by the name the game gives it, but because she's actually referring to it by a name that just doesn't make sense. If anything, the biggest problem is how she even knew Link had that sword made using golden dust.

 

Any text that isn't blue or teal in these reviews is not meant to be taken seriously. Michael/Micheal/Michæl is supposed to come across as an immature, idiot fanboy who doesn't know a damn thing about literature, because the author of the story he appeared in clearly did not.

 

 

tl;dr - Reviewing a Majora's Mask fanfic when you have no experience with Majora's Mask, and less experience with reviewing?

 

You shouldn't have done that.

 

It's been a while since I've played Majora's Mask, so I looked around on the Zelda Wiki and YouTube. I agree about my "experience" with reviewing.

[Catterjune]

There seems to be no purpose for the time skip other than for the sake of having a time skip. What's the point of this being set ten years after Majora's Mask?

The land and stories of of Termina are unique, and the character of an adult Link is presumably, closer to the author's age and closer to the age of his primary audience. Put two and two together and you'll see there's no other way to have the story be in the land of Termina while also having an adult Link.

 

"Gilded" is an actual adjective.

And "gilded" isn't the word she used to describe it. Hell, I don't think I've ever heard anyone use "gilded" in casual conversation unless they were purposely trying to be weirdo crazy people at the time, by throwing in one weird word into a sentence just to make their listener go "WTF" or laugh or something.

 

But that's not the point. Her character doesn't say it because she just plain doesn't say it. It's that simple.

 

referring to it as a "Golden dust sword" actually makes less sense not because she's not referring to it by the name the game gives it, but because she's actually referring to it by a name that just doesn't make sense.

"Golden dust sword doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense."

 

kk

 

No but seriously, her calling it the gilded sword, that sword of gold, the golden sword, the gold dust sword, none of it matters because it's her dialogue and her character is allowed to be mistaken.

 

In any case, we can't tell if was really the author being stupid here or if it was a conscious decision for her to say that. I'm sure you prefer to swing for the fences here, but having a smug sense of superiority when you go into these stories is a terrible way of reviewing.

 

If anything, the biggest problem is how she even knew Link had that sword made using golden dust.

Apparently in this canon, Link talks. Who's to say Link hadn't told her? Like for Christ sake here, do you really need to be spoon fed every little detail here? A scene with Anju admiring his sword and then Link mentioning the story of how he got it or something?

 

tl;dr - The obvious problems with the story, from the length to the emotionless characters to the lack of plot were barely even touched upon while crap like "You mispelled a thing!" and "It's GILDED SWORD!" taking center stage really emphasize that you care more about looking smart to other people then you do about actually helping them in a review.

 

---

 

On a completely unrelated note, I'm bored, so I'm just gonna go ahead and review all your reviews, starting with the one that looks least like ass, the fourth one.

 

I won't be reviewing nitpicks, because "ZOMG! NITPICK!" four times in a row isn't funny or clever or interesting. I think the biggest flaw a "reviewer" can do is nitpick and point out the small, minor spelling errors when there are much bigger and much more obvious flaws, like the plot, the characters, the pacing, etc etc.

 

If I may suck Crab's jaggon for a bit, I think the biggest difference between the reviewing style of you two can be summed like this:

 

Idiot: 2+2=Bannana

Crab: Bannana is neither a word nor a number!

Roxas: Hmm... you misspelled banana and the B doesn't need to be capitalized.

 

Crab points out the key problem. You focus on the smaller ones without tackling the important issue.

 

In any case, I'm not clever or cool enough to do that whole "point by point rebuttal" thing that's painfully overdone and often times unfunny, (especially since any point-by-point of this would just be "ZOMG! NITPICK!") so I'll just do it at whatever stands out:

 

 

[something about getting a free card]

 

There are only about ten copies of the Seal of Orichalcos in print. If I were to go up and ask for him to give me that card and promise to take card of it, I doubt he'd give it to a stranger like me. Either that or this guy really wanted to give it away and figured that our hero would make that easier.

 

[...]

 

[something that explains why he got the card for free]

Learn proper punctuation.

I can already tell this right here is the second worst review I've ever seen. Guy builds up the plot and all you can manage is to herp-and-derp about it when he explains himself literally two sentences later. Then when you get smoked, all you can manage is "Uhh... punctuation!"

 

See, good reviewers stress that their writers proofread what they wrote down before, but that kind of falls flat entirely if the reviewer can't manage to proofread his own review.

 

It also goes to demonstrate why the point-by-point rebuttal thing fails if the story makes sense shortly there after, and the reviewer is too stupid to go back and fix what he had written before. You're more interested in trying to generate laughs (and failing at it) then you are in actually trying to help the person writing the story.

 

See, this is the problem with the fanfic section. It's not the stupid people who act like stupid people, because we all know better then to pay attention to them. The problem is the stupid people who act like smug smart people, who then create a following and gather other stupider people to behave the same way as they do.

 

He didn't consider returning it or finding some other poor sap to give it to?

Returning it? He got it on a souvenir from a school trip. Granted, he could have given more information on the trip, but... all he has to do is say it was out of state or someplace far away and you have no leg to stand on with this mild plot criticism.

 

Give it to a poor sap, reasonable. I assume that's what the previous owner did, and likely a good way for him to get rid of it.

 

Do I really need to correct every single error for you?

No, you should be focusing on the plot and the actual details of the story, not being an English teacher with a red marker.

 

It's a shame you didn't have someone to drive there so you could be on time.

This is literally the same joke you gave before and it wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now.

 

And as hilarious as that joke is, it can still be trumped by an extra sentence.

 

- His mom doesn't own a car.

- They live in an industrialize place like Japan and public transport is a much better alternative.

- The card shop wasn't all that far away and it would have taken more time for his mom to get ready, grab the keys, and drive him there.

- His mom was busy at the time.

- His mom didn't know the way.

- His mom doesn't give a rats ass about dueling and thinks it's silly and her soap operas and wine drinking are more important.

 

The story doesn't even say his mom DIDN'T drive him, or he didn't drive himself, or he wasn't already late when he realized it was 12:15. You're really just bringing up nonsense for the sake of doing so as some kind of running gag but it doesn't even make sense with the context we're given.

 

tl;dr- The review is just 100 percent nitpicking. The spelling and grammar nitpicks are spelling and grammar nitpicks. The plot nitpicks can all easily be solved by one sentence added in. And if the plot can be salvaged with just a quick one sentence insertion, then the problem was never really that big of a problem to begin with.

 

The problems with the story are evident, from the terrible plot that goes two different directions; a card that gives its holder nightmares immediately jumping to like... the intro to GX/battle city, replacing Crowler with Pegasus and replacing "getting into a school" to "getting into a tournament" - to the boring ambition-less flat character that is the protagonist, to the ridiculous dialogue, to the cliched "running late" trope that is commonly used for protagonists, but all you cared about were the spelling errors.

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=17 Again - {Pokemon: Path of Anarchy}]Where did he go?

 

I simply went to visit another universe.

 

Wow, this guy can time travel?

 

That is possible, Yumi, but "universe" simply refers to space, not time. However, you're appearance is well-timed, as I was looking for you next. You see, Dan was just helping me with reading a fanfic. It is time for you to help me.

 

Can I help you again?

 

You were quite useful, unlike the last person I just asked for assistance, so you may do so. However, as you each are fans of... Duel Monsters, I am curious as to your familiarity with the Pokémon franchise.

 

POKEMANZ!?

 

COUNT US IN!

 

Well now, that was a strong response. The story is "Pokemon: Path of Anarchy" by shelds9. Naturally, we have someone who is unaware of the existence of tildes and usernames that aren't just a random string of letters and numbers, that is unimportant.

 

Oh great, this guy has a "Plot" spoiler.

 

Welcome to the Oryu Region!

 

Is that supposed to based on the Japanese phrase for "King Dragon"?

 

That is not the author's fault. shelds9 is writing this story based on a PokéDex created by an artist from DeviantART, and received explicit permission to do so. There's nothing wrong with that, and it admittedly sounds rather interesting.

 

The Oryu Region has always been blocked off to the public for many years, but now, it is hosting it's own League Challenge!

 

They just felt like doing this after being blocked off from the public for so long? Cool!

 

This peaceful land is home to 300 never before seen rare Pokemon where only Pokemon from the Oryu Region can be found!! There are 3 Pokemon that rule and command all of these Pokemon.

 

Is it really that much to ask for people to just write numbers? They can be spelled, you know.

 

Their names are Evangel and Adangel and Ninfella.

 

Is Ninfella not supposed to have her name match up with Evangel and Adangel?

 

Indeed. Evangel and Adangel seem to be the queen and king among the region's Pokémon, so Ninfella is presumably the equivalent of the princess. Ordinarily, this would be a bad thing because this information is only available on the off-site PokéDex, but we can already be certain of it being revealed over the course of the story, thus making it not as bad.

 

There are also 2 other Legendary Trio's in Oryu. The Warrior Trio, and the Sacred Trio.

 

This could easily be made into one single, preferably using a colon, but so far you seem to be off to a good start.

 

The Oryu League will have many strong challengers, so it is sure to be a treat!

 

Wow, that line made me really excited for this!

 

http://fc03.devianta...hinyscyther.jpg

 

Finally, shelds9 provides us with the basis for this story. Naturally, as this PokéDex is larger than the first two generations combined, we won't bother with this. Following this, shelds9 has provided us with information on the professors, Gym Leaders, and the Elite Four.

 

Why is every character under a different spoiler?

 

There's only a link under each one...

 

All it does is link to a picture!

 

You should have just posted each picture, not give us a link to the pictures.

 

Oh, be quiet. It's not like these characters won't all show up later anyway. At least he had enough decency to not give out every detail about the characters here.

 

Afterwards, shelds9 provides us with a map of the region, but I'm just going to skip this because it's simply not worth bringing up and serves as the last thing stopping us from actually proceeding to Chapter 1. Now we can finally begin this story.

 

"FELIX!?"

 

Bolded text indicates text that was initially italicized.

 

Felix's mother was calling from downstairs.

 

Is there going to a link every time someone important shows up? Can't you just put this picture somewhere in chapter characters.

 

I'm not going to click on the link. Can you just tell me what Felix looks like?

 

He was late for the first day of the rest of his life.

 

That happens to me all the time.

 

Because authors write it all the time. I think the cliché of being late has been firmly established, but "for the first day of the rest of his life?" Doesn't that just seem awkwardly phrased to you? Surely "for the the first time in his life" would have made more sense?

 

Today was the grand opening of the long anticipated Oryu League Challenge, and Oryu's own Professors, Sukio and Fukio Leiko were presenting Trainers with their own Pokemon to journey with.

 

I'm aware that these journeys promote the thrill of competition, but here it seems to come across as a race. No matter. The plot seems decent enough as it is.

 

You seem a lot more lenient than when we reviewed that Strike of the Heavens story, Votek.

 

In retrospect, I was rather harsh on that story, but it simply rehashed the beginning of 5D's. This story seems to just use a very common beginning for adventure stories, which is more acceptable than blatantly ripping off a specific story.

 

"Thud!" Felix fell out of his bed from the sheer sound of his mothers voice. He looked at his clock. It read 9:00. "No, it's already started!"

 

9:00 sounds a bit too early, don't you think?

 

If the event started in the afternoon and Felix had only just then woken up, that would be more ridiculous. 9:00 isn't that early, and if anyone wanted to prepare, they should be ready for a 9:00 starting time, although the implication is that it started before then.

 

Why are people so excited for events like these but don't bother to be awake and ready on time?

 

He sprinted down the stairs, struggling to get his shirt on with his Backpack in his hand. He jumped the last few steps and landed heavily.

 

Was it really necessary to do that?

 

A bowl of cereal and a glass of milk laid on the table for him. His mind was in panic mode. He gulped the milk in one go, and ran out the door without a word of thanks.

 

Wow, how ungrateful.

 

A few blocks from his house, a huge commotion was going on. a voice sounded out from the cheers, "Sora, may you and your newly received Bluser have a great journey together!"

 

"Newly received?" Who even talks like that?

 

Felix's heart leapt into his throat. He would miss his chance. He arrived just in time. There were 2 Pokemon standing in front of the Leiko Twins. The Fire-Type Carbonet, and the water type Caracolen.

 

Has it really never occurred to the professors to get multiples of each starter? Had so many people already come that there were just these two left, or did Sora just claim the only Bluser?

 

Caracolen is tenth in the PokéDex. Shouldn't that Turboty Pokémon be the Water starter?

 

A boy with blue hair was looking at them, sizing them up. Felix ran up to the Professors and said, "Sorry I'm late, but I came here to choose a Pokemon and start my journey." He pointed to Carbonet. "May I please have-"

 

"I choose Carbonet." said the boy in the blue hair. Felix spun on his heals. "Hey, I chose him!"

 

Felix, despite having blue hair as his character image shows, is in fact not the boy with blue hair that has yet to be named. As such, you have to put Felix's "Hey, I chose him!" on the following line.

 

"I was here first... kid." he added after a second of silence. Felix was not overly impressed by how he was addressed "kid".

 

Isn't he supposed to be a boy? Why would be call Felix a kid if he's also won?

 

"First come first serve." said Sukio as he handed the boy Carbonet, a Pokeball, and a Pokedex. "But you can have Caracolen." Felix looked at Caracolen. A blank, distorted face looked back at him.

 

Maybe if Sukio remembered what the Water starter is supposed to be, that wouldn't be the case.

 

"Fine..." Felix said with regret.

 

Hey, cheer up! Caracolen is a Water type, so it looks like you actually got the better option out of what was left!

 

He was handed a Pokeball and Pokedex as well as his new Pokemon. He looked over and saw the boy in blue. "Hey, you! What's your name?"

 

"Tyson" he replied.

 

That hardly looks like a mere boy. "Young man" would be more accurate, and it would explain why he can refer to Felix as a kid without being a hypocrite. Naturally, his attitude and appearance indicate that he is a typical rival. I'm surprised someone with an affinity for blue who has a cold attitude decided to go with the cute animal.

 

Gary Oak. Your argument is invalid.

 

Let's battle!" shouted Felix.

 

Let me recap what has happened so far. Felix is late to an important event that he was certainly aware of when it should begin, and upon discovering only two starters were left precisely because he was late, he is denied the starter he wanted, and is depressed that he ends up with the starter that has a type advantage.

 

Now let us look at things from Tyson's perspective. From what we can see, he was already at the event, carefully judging the two starters left. Upon deciding that the one with the weaker type that contradicted his theme of the color blue was better suited for him, he is yelled at by a kid who claims that he wanted the very same starter. While Tyson could simply be generous and give the brat Carbonet, he cites the fact that he was first, and thus on time, which is more than enough to justify why he should be granted Carbonet instead of the boy who was too busy sleeping instead of considering that he must be on time as well. As a result of Tyson being entirely in the right, Felix describes to shout in the middle of the lab that he would like to battle Tyson.

 

Can you guess who I want to win?

 

~Later~

 

"OK, this will be a 1 on 1 battle." said Fukio. "Obviously..." said Tyson quietly.

 

And Tyson continues to prove that he has little tolerance for idiocy. I will definitely seek his assistance when his time comes.

 

Wait, what?

 

Felix's voice was full of revenge when he said, "GO! Caracolen!" "Go. Carbonet!"

 

Isn't Felix completely aware that Caracolen knows everything he's saying? He's making a terrible first impression to his new partner.

 

"Go Carbonet, use Tackle!" "Counter it with Pound Caracolen!" They collided mid-air and their powers were at even strength.

 

"Use Sand Attack!" shouted Tyson as Felix shouted "Leer!". The attacks hit their marks and both Pokemon lost their edge.

 

Why is it that so much of the dialogue takes place on the same line?

 

"Hmm. Use Pound on the ground!" Caracolen hit the ground with it's tail and the ground started to shake. Dust flew into Carbonet's eyes. Now jump and use Pound! It hit Carbonet square on the head.

 

Felix forgot to use quotation marks, so doesn't that mean that he didn't really give a command?

 

Now that's just taking things are little too far.

 

"Grr. I'll show you! Use Tackle repeatadly!" Carbonet dashed at Caracolen and sent it fyling. It ran behind Caracolen and barely let it touch the ground before Tackle struck again. This went on for a couple more hits, then Carbonet stopped, exhausted.

 

"Cara-colen." Felix half-whispered as it collapsed onto the rocky ground.

 

Well, at least Felix is showing some care for his Caracolen.

 

"Caracolen is unable to battle any longer! Carbonet wins, and Tyson is victorious!"

 

Both trainers returned their Pokemon to their Pokeballs. "I knew I should've got Carbonet..."

 

:o

 

:neutral:

 

Like my guests, I am a loss for words, but I shall try and explain. As I said, Felix did not deserve Carbonet because he lacked the decency to show up on time. Now that his Pokémon, despite having a type advantage, has lost to Carbonet, does he try to console his partner for losing? No. Instead he opts to criticize his partner for losing and laments the fact that he didn't get a Pokémon that he did not deserve to get in the first place, even though the Pokémon he did end up getting shouldn't have been an option in the first place because it shouldn't be one of the starters.

 

Wait, I looked at the two professors' profiles, and it looks like they each give away different Pokémon. Caracolen is indeed a starter option, but only from Fukio. Sukio gives away Carbonet, which remained true here.

 

So, two different professors that each give away three Pokémon in the same town?

 

Looks like it, even though the profiles of the professors say that they hail from different towns.

 

I am rather curious how the creator of this PokéDex feels once he reads this story.

 

shelds9, have you seen the anime? I would expect this kind of behavior from Paul.

 

~Later~

 

Unnecessary. A simple paragraph break would be enough to imply that narrative shifted to a later point in time.

 

"Felix, dinner's ready!"

 

Felix walked down the stairs, much slower than he did this morning. "Did you make any new friends today Felix?"

 

"No." he replied stubbornly. "And my Pokemon isn't that great either."

 

You know, talking like that isn't going to make you any friends.

 

His mother scolded at the sound of this. "Just be thankful you have one. I was never so lucky as to have one. You will learn to love your Pokemon. Besides, you haven't even trained it at all, so it is not truly your own yet."

 

Finally, these stories include a character who addresses the protagonist's lack of likability.

 

"Yeah." he said.

 

Urgh. Can we cut to something exciting already?

 

~Later~

 

Really? I thought we were going to cut to earlier.

 

"Click" Felix clicked off his lamp.

 

Then what was the point of writing "'Click'"?

 

"Goodnight Caracolen." No sound came from his Pokeball. He clicked it and nothing came out. "CARACOLEN!?!?!"

 

I'll assume that Caracolen ran away because Felix is an awful trainer. Such an assumption allows me to safely end this story here.

 

I can't believe I just read that.

 

I thought it was okay.

 

Only at first. The story had the first impression of being a very standard story, but then we learned more about Felix. He's clearly an unlikable, self-righteous ingrate, and this story is meant to focus on him. Perhaps future stories will establish him connecting with Caracolan, but Felix earns no sympathy at all here, with Tyson minding his own business until Felix bothers him, and Felix's mom, who has no signs of being an abusive parent, properly scolds her son.

 

I don't want to follow a story that focuses on such a brat. It makes the story boring, and I doubt that however he is developed as sympathetic will be written realistically.

 

Well, I guess you guys are right.

 

I shall be taking my leave now Yumi, you were... adequate in this review, but rest assured, I will call upon you again.

 

Thanks, I guess.

 

Are you going to disappear and reappear two seconds later?

 

Not at all. This time, I shall give you more time without my presence. I believe that you'll be prepared for when I appear to you once more.

 

 

 

No but seriously, her calling it the gilded sword, that sword of gold, the golden sword, the gold dust sword, none of it matters because it's her dialogue and her character is allowed to be mistaken.

 

In any case, we can't tell if was really the author being stupid here or if it was a conscious decision for her to say that. I'm sure you prefer to swing for the fences here, but having a smug sense of superiority when you go into these stories is a terrible way of reviewing.

 

Looking back over my previous reviews, I do have to shake my head at how outrageously smug I was being. I'm just used to the author not having a clue what they're writing rather than knowingly have a character get something wrong, but "Golden dust sword" just sounds stupid. Zelda is a fantasy series, so I think "gilded" might be a word that gets tossed around a lot more than it does in the real world.

 

Idiot: 2+2=Bannana

Crab: Bannana is neither a word nor a number!

Roxas: Hmm... you misspelled banana and the B doesn't need to be capitalized.

 

Crab points out the key problem. You focus on the smaller ones without tackling the important issue.

 

This is so true.

 

On a completely unrelated note, I'm bored, so I'm just gonna go ahead and review all your reviews, starting with the one that looks least like ass, the fourth one.

 

I've looked it over, and I definitely feel it's one of my worst ones.

 

Let's see how my new review fares then, shall we?

Edited August 28, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[.Rai]

He got permission for the map I believe but not for the characters of 'Felix' and 'Tyson'.

 

Checked the artists' profiles and didn't see anyone by the name of shelds9. I always like protecting artists' works.

 

No major problems in this review. More accurate compared to some of the others but, to be honest, not as interesting. Not really sure why since I can't pinpoint anything but just a general thing. Also, yellow does hurt my eyes.

[Phantom Roxas]

Still, I don't think whoever made the PokéDex would be fond of a story like that, especially considering the treatment Caracolen receives.

 

Don't worry, the yellow text won't be common.

[Catterjune]

Is that supposed to based on the Japanese phrase for "King Dragon"?

I don't know. Is it? Is Kanto literally meant to mean "East of the Barrier"? At the end of the day, does it even matter? Are you pointing this out because the name is cliched in fanfic circles or in Pokemon fanfics or in Japanese fics, or is it just a bad attempt at getting laughs or being whimsical or giving information?

 

I mean, I'm not being a condoscending jerk here, I don't think. I legit don't know. But the way a review work is typically "Emphasize a problem. Explain why it is a problem if it's not self evident." So... is it a problem? Why bother pointing it out if you had nothing worthwhile to say about it?

 

They just felt like doing this after being blocked off from the public for so long? Cool!

See, the obvious problem is that AN ENTIRE REGION HAD BEEN BLOCKED OFF FROM THE PUBLIC. Who's blocking the region off? The Poke Government never seemed to be all that oppressive in the anime or in the games. Maybe it's the manga-verse, I dunno. But then the question comes as to why had they decided to block it off for... as long as they did, and why did they all of a sudden change their minds? And who exactly is enforcing this blockade? The hundreds and thousands of Officer Jennys? I would think protecting a border would be ridiculously difficult, especially in a universe where flying on a Pokemon inconspicuously is entirely viable.

 

See, it's HILARIOUS that you just parrot what what the author just said, but if you don't bother to explain why your parroting there then the intended effect just kind of really falls flat. Especially since there's kind of a lot to say after a sentence like that.

 

Is there going to a link every time someone important shows up? Can't you just put this picture somewhere in chapter characters.

 

I'm not going to click on the link. Can you just tell me what Felix looks like?

See, here's another moment where you completely dropped the ball.

 

All you can manage to do is jabroni and moan that posting a link mid-sentence is in bad form (granted it is, but that's besides the point) but you completely miss that Felix's mother was calling from downstairs.

 

Calling from downstairs, implying that he's currently in a building. Somehow, a city (or at least a building) had been formed despite the fact that the entire region had been blocked from the public. So then, how does a city form in a short span of time? If it was always there from the beginning, then it would likely deteriorate in a pretty short while. Those old History channel shows, Life After People, showing what would happen if for no inexplicable reasons humans disappeared off the earth, showing that even major cities are reduced to nothing in less then a hundred years, and most houses and buildings are broken into in less then ten years by either plants and vegetation or by other wild animals looking for shelter.

 

So like, while calling someone out for writing like a tosser is a good idea, ignoring the fact that he had a glaring plot inconsistency was pretty bad form.

 

 

... In any case, the protagonist was unlikeable and the Pokemon story generic. I think the only thing that would make it better would be if the unlikable prick protagonist eventually learned the error of his ways, but I think its unlikely.

 

The review itself missed out lots of obvious issues with the story.

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=The Deathberry Returns - {Distant Memories}]There you are, Roxas!

 

Hey, Jen. Wait, something's wrong. Did you change your font color?

 

Yeah, I had to. For some reason, the system won't recognize my previous color.

 

I see. So, what do you want?

 

Um, what was the last Divination you wrote?

 

I think it was when I reviewed that Percy Jackson with Nexev, but that was all the way back in May. Why do you ask?

 

Well, you see, there have been four more Divinations published since then.

 

...WHAT?

 

Here, you should read these.

 

...

 

Well?

 

This Votek guy is a massive jerk, but I'm curious how he's able to contact these guys. Wait a minute, Jen, how did you get here originally?

 

I don't know, Roxas. I just found this place, and I thought I could help you.

 

That's the thing. This Votek guy did it the other way around. He found the main characters, although I can't say that really applies for Michæl.

 

Michæl?

 

Hey, I said Votek was a jerk, but that doesn't mean I can't think some of his jokes aren't funny.

 

But Roxas, what about Dan? In 17 Again, Dan was rather snarky. I don't think I've ever seen him act that way!

 

Maybe...

 

What? Do you know something?

 

It's probably nothing. Do you have any other stories that we can review?

 

Well, Holy Descent was hoping that you could review his Distant Memories story.

 

Sure, we can do that. What's it based on?

 

It's an original story.

 

Alright then. let's see... "blah, blah, blah, I'm not experienced with writing, I think this should be an anime, blah, blah, blah-"

 

Roxas!

 

What?

 

Mind your manners! Holy Descent probably worked very hard on this, so be nice!

 

Oh, fine.

 

And don't nitpick!

 

...But I'm a Grammar Nazi. It's what I do.

 

Don't let it dictate how your reviews work! You shouldn't worry about the grammar, but instead you should focus on the story in conveys.

 

I do that too...

 

Oh really? Then how come I typically see you harp on about grammar?

 

Fine, fine. Let's begin.

 

"Only by cherishing memories can we truly demean those we wish to be rid of and assure those memories we wish to hold, are not made into distant ones.”

 

As is typical of many things that Square Enix has a habit of exaggerating, this makes no sense.

 

You're not looking at it hard enough. It's basically saying to treasure the memories we want to hold on to.

 

Then why highlight "memories" and "distant"?

 

Roxas...

 

He's trying to beat the title into our heads, isn't he?

 

 

What is this even supposed to be?

 

Cover art, obviously. Hey look, the colors match ours!

 

...Let's move on to the prologue.

 

“Crack!” “Splash!” The eerie sounds of a grown body breaking the surface of an icy layer of ground echoed through the area. The 25 year old body remained at a constant speed as it descended into the water below.

 

“…I’m numb…” the thought coursed through his mind.

 

“…My body…is cold.” The plunging body slowly descended through the icy water.

 

“…How…did I get here?” his breathless face white and motionless, the occasional blink was his only sign of life,

 

“Is this the…end?” His long dark brown hair remained vertical in an attempt to reach the surface, his long black leather pants were torn and battered.

 

“Wait…who am….I?”

 

Oh no, amnesiac protagonist, run away!

 

I thought you had no problem with that cliché?

 

Oh.

 

His once maroon singlet now reminiscent to a torn up cloth, revealing his built chest and right arm that although built was coloured with blood and wounds, his left arm was like a robotic replacement, it was light blue. It glowed and glistened, reminiscent to the light blue water around him.

 

So our main protagonist has a mysterious prosthetic? Already this seems interesting.

 

“Why am I…here?” the 6”2 man

 

Jen, I know you said no nitpicking, but will you at least let me saw that exact measurements are rather unnecessary to include?

 

Fine.

 

looked towards the surface of the water, his half opened eyes glanced at the body sized hole in the layer of ice above him. He watched as it slowly became smaller and smaller.

 

Has he seriously not realized that he's drowning?

 

“My name…what is my name…Kia? Kira?”

 

We know it's called the "Kai Chronicles", so we know that that's his name.

 

A slight glance to his right showed a long half black and half white buster like blade sinking parallel to his body. The blade descended at the same constant speed as the man and was attached on the end of the hilt by a long sheet of half black and half white cloth.

 

Wait, is this guy supposed to be a Cloud expy? You're seriously going with that?

 

A light smile surfaced from the 25 year olds face,

 

You don't have to repeat his age. You can just refer to him as "the man" now.

 

What was that you said about nitpicking?

 

...Shut up.

 

What's with you today? You've never been like this.

 

it contrasted with his pale face, light brown eyes and half opened eyes.

 

As opposed to his light brown eyes that weren't half-open, or his half-open eyes that weren't light brown.

 

That's it, I'm getting the bat.

 

Movement of the man’s right arm was visible as it slowly floated extending straight out and pointing to his right, his hand motioned lightly to grasp the hilt of the blade.

 

“Is this hopeless…?” His fingers got closer to the hilt inches away from its touch.

 

“…Maybe this isn’t the end.”

 

It won't be the end if you at least remembered how to swim. I'm surprised that you're not dead yet.

 

His fingers continued to stretch for the hilt of the blade. Its occasional twitch was a sign of the pain being experienced by the boy. The fingers were mere centimetres away.

 

“Almost there…” His eyes began twitching his teeth grinding, suddenly a large cough released a handful of blood from the man’s mouth, his arm began descending, failing in its attempt to grab the hilt of the blade.

 

“…It is over? Like this?” The strain in the man's neck due to the lack of air could be seen by the growing veins.

 

Took long enough.

 

A bright light flash began to appear from the hole in the surface of the water. He glanced straight up at the slowly fading hole and smiled lightly.

 

“…I will always…Cherish….those…. memories.”

 

Really? The distracting highlights are really going to be consistent through this story?

 

A loud splash was then heard as the calmness of the surface of the water was now unsettled by a shape that slowly formed into a person swimming down towards the descending boy.

 

You said - twice - that he was twenty-five. That hardly makes him a "boy".

 

The figure revealed to be a woman, no more then 23, she wore a black wet suit and had short dark blue hair. Her words drowned in the pressure of the airless water, her arm extended desperately reaching for the descending man's right arm.

 

He watched the girl struggle, her face showed signs of strain but hope as she continued squinting her eyes. He looked back at the hilt of the blade to his right, he then slowly glanced at the bright light still emitting from the now barely visible hole in the ice surface.

 

“…Only by cherishing memories…can we truly demean those we wish to be rid of…and to assure those memories we wish to hold….are not made into…distant memories.”

 

We're still in the prologue. Was it really necessary to have that last sentence slightly altered to serve as an excerpt before this?

 

Jen's not back yet. I hope she wasn't serious about that bat.

 

The man’s arm suddenly made one final attempt to reach the hilt of the blade, it slowly but surely began rising to be parallel to the blade, it then slowly floated pointing straight out, his fingers began cringing as he slowly drew closer to the blade’s hilt. His fingers wrapped slowly around the hilt of the blade moving it closer to the palm of his hand, he then grasped it tightly and smiled lightly.

 

 

“Oh, that’s right…” the man chuckled. “Kai…my name’s Kai…” The girls fingers stretched out approaching Kai’s arm, she then grabbed firmly over his shoulder and wrapped her arm under his arm pit, she then kicked her legs down and began pulling his lifeless body up towards the slowly intensifying light. Kai’s blade hung solely on the balance of Kai’s will to grip the hilt. He glanced at the girl’s struggling face as she carried his close to lifeless body.

 

“…Who are you?” he thought, her smooth face and dangling dark blue hair was an image of beauty. They were now a metre from the light that shone even brighter through the hole.

 

Kai chuckled and smiled lightly.

 

And so Kai is saved. Hurray.

 

“Looks like I get to hold onto my memories…they won’t become distant….they’ll be cherished…nothing will put them to rest.”

 

 

Distant Memories

 

You can stop beating the title into our heads now. Yes, we know that this is called "Distant Memories", so find some other ways to tell a story without reminding us of that. This reminds me of the beginning of a Kingdom Hearts game where the title appears after the prologue is done, just like how everything else that's cinematic does it. However, this is not a movie or an anime, so don't get too ahead of yourself.

 

Aside from that, this is a good start to the story. Your only problem so far seems to be grammar and pacing. Kai seems like a decent main character, so I'd like to see what will happen when the story really kicks off.

 

Jen, I heard your footsteps.

 

Aw...

 

Don't look so innocent. I can see that you're holding that bat behind your back.

 

Well, at least you didn't get upset with this.

 

So, what's next.

 

"The Kai Chronicles, Arc 1".

 

"Arc 1"? Can't you just say "Book 1"? Besides, "The Kai Chronicles" seems to refer to the first installment in the series the author seems to be planning. Dividing a book that's already part of the planned series into even smaller parts comprised of separate chapters just seems odd.

 

Oh, tons of series have done that, so stop complaining. Anyway, Chapter 1 is called "The Travelers, Kai and Pax".

 

Aside from misspelling "travelers", which is understandable, that sounds interesting, although if it's supposed to continue off from the prologue, why can't this just be Chapter 2 and the prologue can be Chapter 1?

 

Let's begin with Part 1.

 

...Come again?

 

NOTE: Not every chapter will be this long it's only because it is chapter 1.

 

A quick glimpse shows that, out of all the chapters posted so far, Chapter 1 is indeed the only one put into two parts. Why Holy Descent didn't just make Chapter 1 Part 2 into Chapter 3 is beyond me. Wait, Jen, what are you-

 

*Whack*

 

I warned you. Now it's my turn.

 

A light breeze swept the dry gravel path, the surrounding ground looked dead as the hard surface gave no life to any plant like creatures. The bright sun scorched the area with tremendous heat, an occasional hawk would soar through the bright sky, looking for prey to attack.

 

Well, your description seems better than before. Let's see why we went from a frozen lake to the desert.

 

The sounds of 2 sets of footsteps engulfed the dry area,

 

..."The sounds of their footsteps?" Don't make me act like Roxas.

 

one belonged to a boy who appeared to be 15 and stood at 5”3, he had a red torn poncho like clothing wrapped around his neck that covered his shoulders and the top of his chest, he also wore a tight white singlet and had a brown belt that kept up his baggy black pants, he also wore 2 black gloves with finger holes in them, noticeably under the poncho on his back sat 2 identical and small katana like blades that grew wider and thicker as it progressed in length, they also had 5 small holes in them on the sides. He had short black hair that was spiky on the top and flat at the back, it led to a small ratty like style going down his neck. He was also quite tanned, had brown eyes and a very smooth face. His face was covered with a big cheeky smile.

 

Well, thanks for describing what one of them looks like while suggesting an age that is probably accurate and yet the narration only assumes is true. What will happen now?

 

The man standing next to him looked to be 25 years of age, he had long brown hair that descended to close to half way down his back, he also had a strain of hair going over the right side of his face and over his ear. He had brown eyes and was quite tanned. He too like the boy had a poncho like clothing on, however his was a vanilla colour and covered his right shoulder and his whole left arm.

He wore a maroon coloured singlet that descended to his waist, it was tight and descended further at the back, it was also torn at the end. He wore tight black leather pants and black boots. The man stood at 6”2, his face depicted a man with serious intentions.

The vanilla poncho he wore descended to his calves at the back.

 

Ah. See, there's nothing wrong with describing characters. As you may have heard, it helps us know what we're supposed to imagine as we read this story. However, too much description slows down the story and may turn away readers, as they'll expect that your story is full of describing everything in the scene, while in reality, very little is happening.

 

Damn it, Roxas.

 

The two walked down the rubble trail seeing in the distance what appeared to be a poor town, although it was quite big. The smaller boy

 

There was a boy who wasn't smaller?

 

continued with his cheerful smile and eyes closed, he began whistling a tune while exaggerating his walk in a comical way, his actions caught the attention of the bigger man who looked down at him, his face was still a look of discontent.

 

In spite of the intense description supplied earlier, I'm just going to imagine this kid walking like Spongebob did in that joke video on the beginning of "The Sponge Who Could Fly".

 

“Pax, do you really have to?” The man questioned the boy known as Pax who grinned widely.

 

“Come on Kai, you gotta cheer up you know, like this!” Pax jumped a metre forward turned around and pointed with both fingers to his big smile, Kai stopped and looked on with embarrassment.

 

Still imagining Pax as Spongebob.

 

Kai chuckled lightly. “Let’s just keep going.” Pax sighed.

 

“Ok bro.” Pax returned walking next to Kai and began whistling the same tune. Noticeably for a brief moment the wind picked up waving Kai and Pax’s Ponchos to the left, under Kai’s poncho rested on his back a big blade, a Buster blade that was half white and half black, it looked to be 1.5 metres long and quite thick.

 

Now, I can picture this scene perfectly, what was the point of it happening? We know this is the same Kai from the flashback, and we know that he had his Buster Blade, but what was the point of showing that here this way?

 

**

The small poor town was covered with small brown shelters and one room homes, the streets were a cement path with dirt close to engulfing it. 5 small boys who appeared to be about 10 were kicking a tattered ball on the street, one of the boys swung his leg back to kick the ball but tripped and face planted the ground. The boy instantly broke into tears catching the attention of many of the poor villagers. The boy sat up holding his cut face and sobbing.

 

“Are you okay?” Came the soft voice of a woman who was kneeling by his side, she appeared to be about 25 and had short dark blue hair

 

In spite of the dark blue hair, I presume that his girl is not the same one from the prologue. Holy Descent would have told us that "she looked 23" if that was the case.

 

with a strip going down her ears and blue eyes, her chest was quite busty

 

Because mentioning her breast size was clearly important.

 

and her face very smooth, she wore light blue short shorts, a white singlet and slightly tattered long blue gloves with holes where the fingers were.

 

 

“C-Celia?” The boy snivelled with tears as the girl warmly smiled and wiped the cut on his forehead with a tissue.

 

“You should be careful when playing on the road, the dirt’s very slippery.” Celia stated with a smile, the boy instantly smiled and wiped his tears, he then stood up and ran back to play with his friends, the townspeople watching all smiled and chatted amongst themselves of Celia and her helpful ways.

 

Was this the same exchange the boy had with his parents before this happened? His parents just told him to be careful, and he immediately smiled, then ran outside? I wonder how long it will take for this kid to trip on himself again.

 

Oh, and this Celia dresses in a rather skimpy outfit, and everyone praises her for being such a helpful woman that the kids instantly listen to. That's not unbelievable at all.

 

Celia stood up and smiled wiping some dirt off her shorts, she then began to walk forward but stopped with a questioned look as she saw 2 people with ponchos, one a man taller and with a bigger poncho and a boy smaller and with a smaller one, the boy was whistling a tune while the man simply walked forward. As a breeze blew in their ponchos lifted slightly at the back to reveal their swords. Celia immediately turned to shock.

 

"What on earth is that kid doing?"

 

“They have weapons? What would they be doing way out here?” She thought to herself. “I better keep a close eye on them.” Celia began walking slowly through the crowd of people keeping a safe distance from the two she followed. They all walked along the path to the left side of the cement road, walking passed small food stands and shops.

 

I have some questions about the story thus far, but I'll hold off on asking them until this chapter part is done.

 

Pax continued whistling freely and had his hand pressing against the back of his head. He suddenly opened his eyes widely and turned to Kai.

 

“Hey Kai.”

 

Kai nodded. “I know.” The two continued looking forward.

 

Celia remained following, the crowd of people seemed to never end, for a brief moment her vision of the two became blocked by the crowd of people, Celia quickly attempted to get a better view as she rushed through the crowd, however she had lost sight of them, it was as if they had disappeared.

 

Celia sighed for a moment then looked forward seeing a back alley like street

 

She's in an alley. Don't pretend that it's the same as a street.

 

that led into a dark area to the left, Celia moved forward and ran into the 5 metre wide area of the alley. There was no crowd or signs of any other people. Celia treaded on with caution taking slow steps and looking side to side. The alley was dark and plagued with the sounds of ruffling paper on the ground. After she was well within the alley a voice spoke from behind her.

 

“You need something?” Celia quickly stopped in her tracks and turned around slowly to see leaning on the brick wall to her left Kai with his right hand in his pocket and his left arm covered by the poncho.

 

If we're supposed to think Celia is in danger here, it's her own fault for being suspicious, not that I blame the skank.

 

“Are you following us lad-“ Pax began until he had a good view of Celia’s face. Love hearts sprung within Pax’s eyes as he raced towards the girl and held her left hand with both of his.

 

And of course, the young Pax immediately falls for her in a ridiculously cartoonish style. Celia is such a compelling character that Pax cannot deny his sudden passion!

 

“Please excuse us miss, I’m Pax and this is my brother Kai!” Celia looked confused at Pax’s forwardness in greeting her. Kai simply shook his head for a brief moment.

 

I doubt that Pax is really Kai's brother. It's likely just a kind of brotherly partnership that many anime use to the point that the younger one refers to the older one as "bro".

 

“N-Nice to meet you..” Celia began, kai stood up straight not leaning on the wall, he faced Celia and Pax.

 

“Don’t mind him, he gets like this sometimes but still you were following us weren’t you.”

 

She's been going in the same path as you all this time. Do you even have to ask at this point?

 

Celia thought for a moment and realised lying would get her nowhere.

 

“Y-You both have weapons?” Celia stuttered. Pax returned to his normal self for a brief moment and took his two identical swords from the holders along his back and held them parallel and vertically.

 

“You mean these?!” He called out with a big smile. Celia instantly was in shock after this and fell on her backside scared and shaking.

Kai pushed Pax’s chest back with his hand as he walked up to the scared Celia.

 

Kai knelt down and held his right hand out with a light smile.

 

“Sorry about him, he doesn’t realise that towns like this are laid back and not used to seeing weapons.

 

"Which is why we brought our incredibly powerful weapons. Our motivation is meant to be mysterious, so we'll explain to you only at the moment when it becomes necessary."

 

"You guys can't just tell me now?"

 

"Silly girl. It wouldn't be fun that way."

 

Let me help you up.” Kai motioned for Celia to accept his gesture, hesitant at first Celia accepted and grabbed Kai’s hand who helpped lift her up. Kai then immediately brushed Celia’s hair off the left side of her neck, Kai then sighed a sigh of relief.

 

I assume that Kai mistook Celia for the woman who saved him. Good to know that the resemblance is intentional and not just lazy character designing.

 

“I’m Kai and this is Pax

 

Pax already introduced you two. You seem like you're the smarter one, so how did you not notice this?

 

what’s your name?” Pax walked up with a cheeky smile and stood next to Kai with his arms pressing on the back of his head.

 

Celia felt slightly better and more comfortable as she replied. “I-I’m Celia, are you’s travellers?”

 

Kai and pax looked at each other for a brief second.

 

“You can say that.” Kai replied. “We’re actually looking fo-“

 

“Quickly! The collector is here!!!” A voice called out from the street interrupting Kai and causing Celia to look down after hearing the call.

 

I was hoping that I could stop here, as this is the end of Part 1, but I'm admittedly interested enough to see this first chapter through to the end, so we'll continue on to Part 2.

 

“What’s a collector?” Pax asked Celia, Celia slowly looked up to Pax and Kai.

 

At least the explanation that this chapter was too long works for explaining why there had to be two parts. However, because of the way Part 1 cuts off, people will probably want to read Part 2 immediately after that, so you're better off just keeping it as one part.

 

“A collector is a man sent from Mu-Tech-“

 

“Mu-Tech!?” Pax called out in question looking towards Kai,

 

Yes, interrupt the girl you've just fallen for. That leaves a good first impression.

 

Kai looked at Pax and nodded. Pax then returned to look at Celia as a sweat dropped down his forehead.

Well, at this Kai helped him realize he was being rude.

 

“In order to pay for the security they give us we have to pay the collector of Mu-Tech.” Celia laughed an angered laugh. “Even though we never needed or wanted the security…” Celia looked down, a tear dropped from her eyes.

 

 

“Is money that important here?” Pax asked.

 

“Of course it is, but we don’t have much of it…good hard people use their yearly income…on one visit!” Pax and Kai looked shocked. “He comes once a month, you can imagine how much money we owe him.”

 

You know, if Mu-Tech is considered so awful, maybe they shouldn't charge so much? For example, why would they bother to offer this town protection? Did they just go to the town, demand that they accept Mu-Tech's services, and ask for payment? Obviously they're being set up as the evil organization of this story, but they seem to be going out of their way to make it blatantly obvious because... money?

 

Maybe Mu-Tech's goals will be explained in a bit. That should clear things up.

 

“Everyone gather in front of me!!!” a disgustingly arrogant and deep voice came from the middle of the street. Kai, Pax and Celia looked towards the street at the start of the alley.

 

“Is that him?” Kai asked with a serious expression.

 

Celia nodded. “I’m sorry you have to pay as well, he doesn’t care if you’re just passing by…if you leave now you can escape without paying.”

 

Kai looked towards the street and began walking soon followed by Pax and then Celia.

 

“Wait didn’t you here me? You have to try to escape through the back, you’re not on the list of villagers, you can escape without paying!”

 

You just said that it doesn't matter if they're not on the list. Yes, they could escape without him noticing and they wouldn't have to pay. It sounds like if he so much as sees you, you have to pay.

 

Celia stated, however Kai and Pax continued to walk forward.

 

“Don’t worry. The villagers aren’t paying today.” Kai stated.

 

The 3 made it to the street seeing a long line of villagers along the path while a 6”7 tall and fat man, wearing a light blue fur coat that covered his big white shirt, he also wore white baggy pants that tucked into his knee high black boots. Noticeably his right arm from where his forearm to his hand should be, was replaced by a half a metre long blue metallic blade. He had a small black beard and a pig like nose with wild black long hair on his head. Standing either side of him were men wearing a dark blue and black soldier outfit with a helmet, they held guns pointed at the villagers and panning left to right of them.

 

Kai, Pax and Celia pushed their way to the front of the line and witnessed the man.

 

“I Iron Chest! Am the Collector of this town! And I demand my rent!”

 

What moron gave this neanderthal the position of Collector? I'll be surprised if he can even count.

 

No one dared argue with the fat figure whose arrogant voice was only matched by his large grin. The villagers all cowered while Iron Chest panned his vision of the villagers.

 

Kai turned to Celia. “What is the cost of rent here?”

 

“50 gold” Celia replied.

 

“Figures.” Kai stated as he walked out of the line of villagers and towards Iron Chest.

 

Iron Chest on first glance frowned, the 2 soldiers pointed their guns at Kai.

 

“Halt!” They called, Kai stopped and reached into his pants pocket pulling out a small brown bag tied up. Kai threw the bag towards

Iron Chest who still with a discontent and disgusted look caught it and opened it up, revealing gold within the bag.

 

“That’s 50 gold, that’s what you want right? So leave.” Kai persuaded. Iron Chest grinned and put the gold in his pocket replying.

 

“I haven’t seen you around before! Who are you?”

 

“I think it’d be best if you didn’t know my name.”

 

Celia looked on with confusion. “What’s he doing?”

 

Pax smiled a cheeky smile. “His being Kai! Don’t worry, he’ll be fine!” Celia looked towards Kai who stood about 5 metres from Iron Chest.

 

 

“HAHAHAHAHA!!!” Iron Chest roared with laughter. “I can already tell you’re not from this town! So how about this! The rent has increased! To 200 Gold!”

 

Wait, he charges people who aren't from the town, which implies that he has done so in the past. The only reason that explains why he's only now quadrupling the price is because Kai is apparently the only person in the town who has ever bothered to talk to Iron Chest like this.

 

Kai watched with the same expression as many people from the village began whispering amongst themselves.

 

Iron Chest grew frustrated of Kai’s choice not to reply and began walking over to him.

 

“Do you know who I am! I’m one of Mu-tech’s 15 collectors! You dare not reply to me!?”

 

Wait, wasn't he talking like a caveman earlier? Why is he now talking like a generic, evil officer?

 

“I know all about Mu-Tech.” Kai replied, Iron Chest stopped 1 metre away from Kai and had an angered and shocked expression. “Your goals, your plans, I know all of it.”

 

Then perhaps you would care to enlighten us with some exposition?

 

“Y-You know nothing! Nothing at all!” The villagers began to take a step back. “How’s this for rent! 200 Gold, and your life!” Iron

Chest immediately lifted his sword like arm in the air and swung down at Kai.

 

Kai removed his left arm’s hidden nature under the poncho and over his head in a 90 degree angle in an attempt to repel the blade revealing his left arm’s robotic like structure, it was no ordinary metallic arm, it was advanced technology, glowing lightly and proportionally accurate with his other arm. Upon impact the sword like arm of Iron Chest shattered into 100’s of pieces.

 

The prologue already showed us that Kai had a robotic arm, so why are you pretending that this is the first time we're learning this? Also, the description of this scene is hilariously overdramatic.

 

Iron Chest roared in pain and anger as he stumbled a metre back holding his wounded arm that continuously bled.

 

Wait, wasn't the arm metallic? Would he really be bleeding that much?

 

By the way, you've been using meters as your only form of measurement. Out of curiosity, how many people are aware how long a meter is without having to use some form of conversion?

 

The villagers all looked on in shock even Celia couldn’t believe it. The 2 soldiers immediately took a step forward and shot at Kai.

 

Kai stood unresponsive as Pax suddenly appeared In front of him with his two swords in the shape of an “X” in front of him, a loud “Cling” was heard as 6 bullets were somehow attached to his blades. Pax continued his cheeky smile.

 

“What the?” The soldiers questioned, they then stopped in scared shock as Kai took a couple of steps forward at the kneeling Iron

Chest who quickly rejected his playing possum act

 

He was playing possum?

 

and stood up straight pulling his left arm back in an attempt to throw a punch. Kai clenched his robotic left hand and thrusted it forward at a rapid speed hitting the chest of Iron Chest and breaking the shirt revealing a metallic fat chest with a big dint in it from the impact. Iron chest was sent back colliding with the two soldiers causing all 3 laying on the ground.

 

See, his name is Iron Chest because he has an iron chest.

 

Really?

 

Iron Chest coughed out blood as the two soldiers stood up in pain and began dragging the wounded Iron Chest to their hovering car.

 

“You…will all….pay….” Iron Chest murmured as the two soldiers struggled to lift him into the hovering car, when they finally did they turned the ignition of and soared through the street. After a few seconds the black car disappeared from sight.

 

All the villagers stood shocked as Kai motioned to Pax to continue. Pax nodded and followed Kai as they began to walk in the same direction the car went.

 

Celia watched them start to walk away and thought to herself.

 

“Kai and Pax…”

 

And that's it. The chapter just ends. I actually thought the story so far seems interesting, but it's obvious meant to come off as the first episode of some anime that features some wandering guy who goes to a poor town. It's not all that original, but it's original enough to make me want to read some more. If anything, the biggest problem is the way this is written, with needlessly lengthy, awkward, and/or over-the-top descriptions. Fortunately, it's not too distracting from the story, and it does help the reader clearly imagine what is going on.

 

Hey Jen, have you seen... what happened to Roxas?

 

Oh... hi, Blake. Um, I see you changed your text color too.

 

What's with the bat?

 

Um...

 

Never mind, it's obvious that you beat Roxas with it because he's being obnoxious again.

 

Yeah, he was. I was hoping to try and fix his method of reviewing, but it didn't work.

 

Oh, the two of you were working on a Divination? How did it go?

 

See for yourself.

 

...

 

Wow, Jen. You've truly learned the art of snark.

 

Um, thanks?

 

Who's this Votek guy?

 

Have you heard of him?

 

I can't say I have.

 

Well, as soon as Roxas wakes up, the three of us should investigate.

 

And how long do you think that will take?

 

Um...

 

Never mind.

 

 

I don't know. Is it? Is Kanto literally meant to mean "East of the Barrier"? At the end of the day, does it even matter? Are you pointing this out because the name is cliched in fanfic circles or in Pokemon fanfics or in Japanese fics, or is it just a bad attempt at getting laughs or being whimsical or giving information?

 

I was questioning why the author may have used a name that he derived from Japanese meanings.

 

I mean, I'm not being a condoscending jerk here, I don't think. I legit don't know.

 

Don't worry about it. I appreciate the criticism.

 

But the way a review work is typically "Emphasize a problem. Explain why it is a problem if it's not self evident." So... is it a problem? Why bother pointing it out if you had nothing worthwhile to say about it?

 

See, the obvious problem is that AN ENTIRE REGION HAD BEEN BLOCKED OFF FROM THE PUBLIC. Who's blocking the region off? The Poke Government never seemed to be all that oppressive in the anime or in the games. Maybe it's the manga-verse, I dunno. But then the question comes as to why had they decided to block it off for... as long as they did, and why did they all of a sudden change their minds? And who exactly is enforcing this blockade? The hundreds and thousands of Officer Jennys? I would think protecting a border would be ridiculously difficult, especially in a universe where flying on a Pokemon inconspicuously is entirely viable.

 

See, it's HILARIOUS that you just parrot what what the author just said, but if you don't bother to explain why your parroting there then the intended effect just kind of really falls flat. Especially since there's kind of a lot to say after a sentence like that.

 

I had this exact same problem, and I'll admit that I should have asked those questions. I guess I was just trying to point out how it seems so casually handled in the story, but even that should have been brought up.

 

See, here's another moment where you completely dropped the ball.

 

All you can manage to do is jabroni and moan that posting a link mid-sentence is in bad form (granted it is, but that's besides the point) but you completely miss that Felix's mother was calling from downstairs.

 

Calling from downstairs, implying that he's currently in a building. Somehow, a city (or at least a building) had been formed despite the fact that the entire region had been blocked from the public. So then, how does a city form in a short span of time? If it was always there from the beginning, then it would likely deteriorate in a pretty short while. Those old History channel shows, Life After People, showing what would happen if for no inexplicable reasons humans disappeared off the earth, showing that even major cities are reduced to nothing in less then a hundred years, and most houses and buildings are broken into in less then ten years by either plants and vegetation or by other wild animals looking for shelter.

 

So like, while calling someone out for writing like a tosser is a good idea, ignoring the fact that he had a glaring plot inconsistency was pretty bad form.

 

Not to mention that not a single character actually brings up the fact that the place was once blocked off. We only know that it was once blocked off because shelds9 explains it in Chapter Plot.

 

 

... In any case, the protagonist was unlikeable and the Pokemon story generic. I think the only thing that would make it better would be if the unlikable prick protagonist eventually learned the error of his ways, but I think its unlikely.

 

See, that's the thing about these stories. Obviously these stories are meant to portray their hero as dark and/or a jerk, with the intention of them growing out of that over time, but if the only indication that they might grow out of that personality is that we expect it from a story like that, then there's no reason to bother. Felix is a jerk for absolutely no reason, and yet I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to think that because Tyson is supposed to be the one who's wrong, and as I said repeatedly, that is not the case.

 

The review itself missed out lots of obvious issues with the story.

 

Maybe you could help me with a collaborative review? I know it sounds like a bit of a cheat, but since I need to improve the quality of my reviews, I might as well ask for your help.

Edited September 8, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

The last divination was actually a good story to me. It's just a shame that Jen had to spoil it with her constant speeches about bats and beating Roxas up.

 

Is this an older fic or a newer one, because I haven't seen it recently.

[Catterjune]

I was questioning why the author may have used a name that he derived from Japanese meanings.

You know he derived it from Japanese meanings... how? o_0

 

Seriously, to a not-so-Japanese person Oryu just sounds like a Japanese sounding name. I named half of the "mythical" sounding town names in one of my "original" story literally by typing random words and then misspelling them. That's not a joke or anything, I named a place Tuen Village when I butchered the word "Town" and thought it "just sounded prettier that way".

 

but if the only indication that they might grow out of that personality is that we expect it from a story like that

Wasn't his mom chewing him out (if only slightly) a pretty clear indication that treating pogeymans like dirt was not the right way to go?

 

Maybe you could help me with a collaborative review?

I dislike collaborating most of the time because I'm a lazy hoe and don't like putting myself to someone else's schedule, and also because most of the time I only have two or three things worth saying.

 

It's not really like it's rocket science. Just read the story once all the way through and when you get to a part that's like "HEY! THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE!" make a mental note of it. Or a physical note, IDC. If the part that don't make no sense still don't make no sense by the time you get to the end and shows no signs of being correct, get to writing and explaining as succinctly as possible. Then when you're done with all the main, glaring errors, read it a third time and tackle the little nitpicks and HERPDERPSPELLINGERRORS! Because going one-by-one and trying to say something after each paragraph or after each line or something just looks stupid IMO.

 

Or just ask Crab how shkle does shklers.