Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Crystal Remnants]

lol I lauged so hard I died a little. This is the best thing posted in the Fanfic section in a LOOONG time. And I've been reading a LOT of fanfics here before I got this account.

[Aesirson]

lol I lauged so hard I died a little. This is the best thing posted in the Fanfic section in a LOOONG time. And I've been reading a LOT of fanfics here before I got this account.

Sorry for your loss.

 

Anyway, oh mighty Crab, I would like you to read my latest fanfic (Fallen Leaves), because I'm curious to see what you and the Foe Ficition thinks about it.

[Toffee.]

lol Colonel Jack Zero

 

Barbamon's the demon personifying greed and is also known to be the biggest chessmaster of the demons. If you're even considering ever trusting him' date=' then you'll be thick enough to even believe what Ben Linus tells you.[/quote']

Nice Lost reference ;)

[Weather Report - Stand]

True' date=' it's already doing what you've said it does, and also true, it is long, and also also true, some of the jokes fall flat, but the good thing about it is that I've been learning about my past mistakes, using better, more unforeseen humor (huh? Well, I GUESS so, I dunno) and completely killing the plot slowly by making my own characters overtake the spotlight at times (well, that's mostly going to be done as I get into that 'Shadow Riders' arc, with two insanely important I suppose but tragic characters). Basically now, I see it as a parody, yes, but it is now my OWN story.

 

I'm only taking the basic plots and many, many lines from the source material, but the story has grown on me, forcing myself to come up with better plots for the series itself! I have crafted my own universe!!

 

Too bad I won't be able to publish it and profit, but that's where creative writing comes in.

 

So, I guess all that came from you saying that many of the jokes fall flat. Well, yeah. I guess some of them you DO see coming. And I really DIDN'T have to make that long speech... anywho, keep up the good work? And I really hope your fifth review didn't get lost forever by being cut off.

[/quote']

 

Bear in mind that everything I said about your fanfic comes from me spending approximately two minutes speed-reading the first scene and then skimming the rest of the first chapter. It's not exactly a serious evaluation. >.>

 

Hey! The only thing that we were supposed to learn from that last post was the fact that I'm a big idiot! Hmph, who cares how much you read? *puffs out cheeks oddly*

[The Warden]

You're like the Ben Croshaw of YCM Crab, maybe I'll get you to to foe my fic when I really need a laugh.

[Dr. Cakey]

True' date=' it's already doing what you've said it does, and also true, it is long, and also also true, some of the jokes fall flat, but the good thing about it is that I've been learning about my past mistakes, using better, more unforeseen humor (huh? Well, I GUESS so, I dunno) and completely killing the plot slowly by making my own characters overtake the spotlight at times (well, that's mostly going to be done as I get into that 'Shadow Riders' arc, with two insanely important I suppose but tragic characters). Basically now, I see it as a parody, yes, but it is now my OWN story.

 

I'm only taking the basic plots and many, many lines from the source material, but the story has grown on me, forcing myself to come up with better plots for the series itself! I have crafted my own universe!!

 

Too bad I won't be able to publish it and profit, but that's where creative writing comes in.

 

So, I guess all that came from you saying that many of the jokes fall flat. Well, yeah. I guess some of them you DO see coming. And I really DIDN'T have to make that long speech... anywho, keep up the good work? And I really hope your fifth review didn't get lost forever by being cut off.

[/quote']

 

Bear in mind that everything I said about your fanfic comes from me spending approximately two minutes speed-reading the first scene and then skimming the rest of the first chapter. It's not exactly a serious evaluation. >.>

 

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World' date='

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did [b']this in[/b] Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

Remember, the moment the one who mockifies makes a mistake, they lose the pristine shininess they hold over their subjects. It's not exactly a 'hole with not end', but I have now lost all respect for you and now know that anything you say must clearly be wrong.

 

...

 

Because you accidentally reversed 'this' and 'in'.

 

Good sir, it is you who are mistaken, and on a number of counts.

 

In the first place, the order of the words in my post is entirely grammatically correct. If you are unable to understand why, imagine an understood "quality" between "this" and "in" - "Did this [quality] in Paradiso seem ambitious?" - as that is what the "this" represents.

 

In the second place, the inverted ordering - "Did in this Paradiso seem ambitious?" - makes no sense at all; one would at the very least need to perform an additional reordering to "In this did Paradiso seem ambitious?", though even that would be unnecessary, since my version is acceptable anyhow.

 

In the third place, you'll find that it is entirely impossible for I to have made a mistake with those words, for those words are not my own. Were you a better-read fellow, you might have realized - especially with the help of those last two lines I left in that still mention Brutus by name - that that section was copied (with alterations - the original said "Did this in Caesar", not "Did this in Paradiso" - but with the relevant words intact) from Mark Antony's "Friends, Romans, and Countrymen" speech from Julius Caesar. In case you weren't aware, that's a play that was written a few years ago by a relatively obscure playwright named William Shakespeare.

 

So, no, actually, I'm fairly sure I was correct.

 

However, I'm sure that, if you wanted to, you could search through my commentaries and find some spelling or grammar mistake. For all my talk of proofreading and editing, the full extent of my own proofreading is fixing stuff that Firefox underlines with a red wavy line telling me that I've made a typo and spelled something wrong. One could call it hypocritical of me to do this, but I don't feel that it is a problem. Different types of works deserve different types of treatment; a proper story deserves time, care, and effort, but these posts of mine in which I waver at random between stupid Babylon 5 jokes and overreacting to underwhelming final scenes are an entirely different form of expression with much looser standards - especially since, when I'm reviewing many of these fanfics blind (including the one from which, I literally cannot go back and perform proper editing later without cheating. More generally, stories are works of art and my commentaries are deconstructions of works of art rather than proper works of art in and of themselves - they are at best nonconstructive derivative works with no standalone purpose or direction.

 

Oh, and by the way, I fixed a typo that you made in your post.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I reject your logic on the grounds that it makes me wrong.

[The Sacred Ninja]

True' date=' it's already doing what you've said it does, and also true, it is long, and also also true, some of the jokes fall flat, but the good thing about it is that I've been learning about my past mistakes, using better, more unforeseen humor (huh? Well, I GUESS so, I dunno) and completely killing the plot slowly by making my own characters overtake the spotlight at times (well, that's mostly going to be done as I get into that 'Shadow Riders' arc, with two insanely important I suppose but tragic characters). Basically now, I see it as a parody, yes, but it is now my OWN story.

 

I'm only taking the basic plots and many, many lines from the source material, but the story has grown on me, forcing myself to come up with better plots for the series itself! I have crafted my own universe!!

 

Too bad I won't be able to publish it and profit, but that's where creative writing comes in.

 

So, I guess all that came from you saying that many of the jokes fall flat. Well, yeah. I guess some of them you DO see coming. And I really DIDN'T have to make that long speech... anywho, keep up the good work? And I really hope your fifth review didn't get lost forever by being cut off.

[/quote']

 

Bear in mind that everything I said about your fanfic comes from me spending approximately two minutes speed-reading the first scene and then skimming the rest of the first chapter. It's not exactly a serious evaluation. >.>

 

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World' date='

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did [b']this in[/b] Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

Remember, the moment the one who mockifies makes a mistake, they lose the pristine shininess they hold over their subjects. It's not exactly a 'hole with not end', but I have now lost all respect for you and now know that anything you say must clearly be wrong.

 

...

 

Because you accidentally reversed 'this' and 'in'.

 

Good sir, it is you who are mistaken, and on a number of counts.

 

In the first place, the order of the words in my post is entirely grammatically correct. If you are unable to understand why, imagine an understood "quality" between "this" and "in" - "Did this [quality] in Paradiso seem ambitious?" - as that is what the "this" represents.

 

In the second place, the inverted ordering - "Did in this Paradiso seem ambitious?" - makes no sense at all; one would at the very least need to perform an additional reordering to "In this did Paradiso seem ambitious?", though even that would be unnecessary, since my version is acceptable anyhow.

 

In the third place, you'll find that it is entirely impossible for I to have made a mistake with those words, for those words are not my own. Were you a better-read fellow, you might have realized - especially with the help of those last two lines I left in that still mention Brutus by name - that that section was copied (with alterations - the original said "Did this in Caesar", not "Did this in Paradiso" - but with the relevant words intact) from Mark Antony's "Friends, Romans, and Countrymen" speech from Julius Caesar. In case you weren't aware, that's a play that was written a few years ago by a relatively obscure playwright named William Shakespeare.

 

So, no, actually, I'm fairly sure I was correct.

 

However, I'm sure that, if you wanted to, you could search through my commentaries and find some spelling or grammar mistake. For all my talk of proofreading and editing, the full extent of my own proofreading is fixing stuff that Firefox underlines with a red wavy line telling me that I've made a typo and spelled something wrong. One could call it hypocritical of me to do this, but I don't feel that it is a problem. Different types of works deserve different types of treatment; a proper story deserves time, care, and effort, but these posts of mine in which I waver at random between stupid Babylon 5 jokes and overreacting to underwhelming final scenes are an entirely different form of expression with much looser standards - especially since, when I'm reviewing many of these fanfics blind (including the one from which, I literally cannot go back and perform proper editing later without cheating. More generally, stories are works of art and my commentaries are deconstructions of works of art rather than proper works of art in and of themselves - they are at best nonconstructive derivative works with no standalone purpose or direction.

 

Oh, and by the way, I fixed a typo that you made in your post.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I reject your reality and substitute my own.

 

Fix'd

[Nexev]

Mythbusters is to cool to be usen for a guy who refuses to acknowledge a basic fact.

 

I did Caesar this year so it was the only thing in the review I thought funny.

 

Mainly cause I didn't get the other references and I was taking the review seriously since I like the fic.

[Guest]

See, this is exactly why I shouldn't review half-decent things like Hopeless Paradise.

 

Fortunately, today's stories are not even one-third-decent.

 

[spoiler=You Are Number 6 - {Yugioh: New World Generation}]Let's move on to Yugioh: New World Generation by -Đædalus-.

 

Apparently, -Đædalus- does not have terribly good English, so I have been asked not to harp on the limitless spelling, grammar, agreement, and other basic mechanical errors that plague this story. So I won't, except when things get too egregious, which is perfectly possible. However, bear in mind that -Đædalus- having an excuse for these shortcomings does not make them any less annoying to the reader. Oh, and as usual, I'll be reviewing this blind.

 

Let's begin.

 

In this forum there are forty people. None of them can write a good fanfic. In this film we hope to show you how not to write a good fanfic.

 

Starting Recording.....

 

HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO WRITE A GOOD FANFIC"

 

- Hi Mother, its me Ryu, again-

 

This is Mr. E.R. Ryu of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not write a good fanfic. Now, I am going to ask him to provide thinly-justified exposition. Mr. Ryu, will you provide thinly-justified exposition, please?

 

A brown haired boy is sitting on a desk and started to talk to its computer's camera.

- I know that you went into pursuing your most desired dreams 3 months ago...

 

A good fanfic would need to come up with a better excuse for providing information than to have one character tell another character something that both of them obviously already know for the sole benefit of the audience. As you might imagine, this is rather more difficult than writing a bad fanfic, in which you can just insert nonsensical lines like this.

 

This demonstrates the value of not writing a good fanfic.

 

but I still can't stop feeling that there was something more, something you didn't tell me about this trip...and I can't still stop being mad at you for what you did to me.-

 

In this dialogue we cannot glean concrete information due to awkward, dancing-around-the-point written by Mrs. B.J. -Đædalus- of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs. -Đædalus-, will you provide subtle hints as to your character's feelings without doing anything so crude and unskilled as to explicitly state them instead of simply demonstrating them, please?

 

Ryu crossed its arms and show a very angry expression. His face also show sadness.

 

This is Mr. Otogo of Harlow New Town. Mr. Otogo, would you awkwardly introduce yourself through more dialogue between characters who already have all of the information being conveyed, please?

 

- I… really don't like this place... I mean, living with uncle Otogo shouldn't be so bad, he a nice person and all but...I think he is a little crazy you know? -

 

Mr. Otogo has learned the first rule of not writing a good fanfic - don't write good dialogue. However, this commentary has chosen a rather unfunny extended reference to one scene from a horribly overquoted comedy series, and therefore...

 

*explosion*

 

Ryu laughed for a while before getting serious again.

 

Ryu, you were just very angry and sad. I know so because the author said so. Then you said you didn't like where you were living because the person looking after you was crazy. But now, out of nowhere, you've broken down into nervous laughter.

 

Considering Ryu's random, sudden, extreme mood swings and responses that do not match the actual situation at hand, it seems clear that Otogo isn't the crazy one - Ryu is.

 

-But the truth is, I tried to don't bother about this, about the changes, leaving my house, leaving my friends. I also tried to star a new life here...I tried as long as I have hopes in that you will still be in contact...But it was my birthday two weeks ago. Yes mother I'm 15 now. Too bad I didn't even got a call from you. That kind of things are frustrating you know? It makes me mad to thing you were such a...-

 

Really, his mother didn't call because it wasn't actually Ryu's birthday. Ryu's just insane.

 

Also, for someone who's supposedly so mad about suffering parental abandonment and all these other problems and who has these rapid, extreme mood swings, Ryu seems awfully calm and composed here. I mean, he's using I-statements here.

 

I feel that it is unrealistic when you write dialogue like this with I-statements because people almost never speak like that even at the best of times, let alone when they're this angry and I would like you to write more realistic dialogue.

 

Of course, the reason for this inconsistency is just more bad writing. As we have shown before, -Đædalus- conveys character's emotions by explicitly stating them - a common instance of telling over showing that seems to crop up in every Foe Fic - and so, when he's having Ryu provide exposition for him, he can only have Ryu convey that he is mad by having him explicitly state that he is mad. Come on, -Đædalus-, nobody actually talks like that in real life! You need to show that characters are mad through their actions, not through blunt statements like that! That sort of thing makes me angry!

 

Here's the new Foe Fiction drinking game: every time a character's emotions are told instead of shown, take a sip.

 

Ryu suddenly stopped himself and started to feel bad about everything he was saying so he decided to turn off the camera, and while he did it he whispered.

- I miss you.-

 

Take a sip.

 

No, no, no, not more of this Narrator Says Ryu Felt This Way nonsen- you know what? Here's a quick fix:

 

Ryu suddenly stopped himself and started to feel bad about everything he was saying so he decided to turned off the camera, and while he did it he whispered.

- I miss you.-

 

That's just a quick adjustment I made to demonstrate how easy it is to show emotions without stating them. If someone cuts off their own rant and then whispers "I miss you", we in the audience can infer that they felt bad about what they were saying (even though they were using I-statements anyhow). A quick deletion of one unnecessary block of text removed one of the problems with this section and made the writing significantly better. That's how easy improving Foe Fics is.

 

(This is also my preemptive response to anyone who responds "Let's see you do better" to these commentaries.)

 

• Turn 1: Stories Starts in the Beginning. Enters Ryu!!!

 

But the story already started with that recording section before the beginning (or, alternatively, that beginning section cam before the start of the story), and Ryu was already introduced. This chapter title is a lie.

 

Ryuichi Ryusaki is a 15 year old boy. 3 months ago he moved in to his uncle's house in Nishigawa City. He was originally from Midoru City and lived with his mother until she decided to go on a trip of self discovery.

 

Do you guys want to know what's worse than awkward, heavy-handed exposition? It's including awkward, heavy-handed exposition and then following it with more awkward, heavy-handed exposition of exactly the same information.

 

Ryu was still sit in his chair. He was lost on his thoughts. Suddenly a shadowing figure appears behind him and started to getting closer. Its strong breath alert Ryu that something was wrong there...but before he could think of anything a hand posed on Ryu's shoulder. Ryu got really scared

 

Take a sip.

 

and jump off the chair headbutting the person who was behind him all the time. It turns out to be Otogo.

 

I feel like I'm in one of those Goosebumps books or something where every chapter ends with a cliffhanger that in ninety percent of all cases turns out to be something completely stupid caused by a delusional narrator, like when a chapter ends with him walking into his room and seeing a werewolf and the next chapter begins by informing us that "werewolf" actually means "little brother" and the narrator just somehow can't tell the difference and we're probably supposed to laugh or something.

 

-Ryu you little idiot!!!

 

And that was how Otogo became my favourite character in this story.

 

Damn, I think you broke my nose!!!- Says Otogo as he cover his nose where Ryu headbutted him.

 

Ryu also was touching his head because its hurts him,

 

Since Otogo has been set up as some crazy guy and Ryu is our protagonist, I'm guessing we're supposed to be laughing at Otogo here and thinking everything is his fault. But since Ryu has been shown to have wild mood swings and was the one who headbutted Otogo (for the crime of walking up behind him and putting his hand on his shoulder), that's not happening.

 

but suddenly started to yell madly

 

Take a sip.

 

at Otogo.

 

-WELL EXCUSE ME!!! I was not the one that came here all sneaky and tried to kill me of a heart attack!....

 

Sneaky is in the eye of the beholder.

 

Also I already told you I'm not interested in spending time with you just leave me alone in my room and go away...just like my mother did!-

 

I get the feeling our author is trying to mold Ryu into someone like Shinji from Evangelion, but since all that psychological character development stuff is too different, he's just throwing in a basic "He gots mom isssues k??" and hoping everything works out. Not to mention that the original Shinji didn't have rapid mood swings and a tendency to headbutt everything.

 

Otogo couldn't avoid feeling angry at this words.

 

Take a sip.

 

However he calm down himself quickly.

 

Take a sip.

 

-Yeah I forgot that since you came here and became 15 you are “Mr. Negativity”- Otogo look down at Ryu taunting him.

 

That's the lamest taunt I've heard in my life.

 

Also, calling Ryu "Mr. Negativity" counts as characterizing him through statements when displayed actions would suffice, so take another sip.

 

-That is not of your business, old man- Ryu lay on his bed and started to look at the wall...trying to make Otogo leave the room.

 

-I see.- Otogo tried to look clever

 

Your attempt to make Otogo seem like some dumb adult who doesn't understand Ryu isn't working.

 

as he leaves the room – Well I would know that I shouldn't bother you anymore...- He stayed in the door an pay a look at Ryu again – Even if it is to handle you a letter from you mother.-

 

Duhn-duhn-duhn!

 

After saying that he started to leave when he was stopped by Ryu.

-Wait! What did you say?- Ryu Turned back and look at Otogo, his attitude totally changed.

 

Gee, you think his attitude is totally changed? Thank you, Captain Obvious, for making us take another sip.

 

-Yes I got this letter in the morning, it is from Anko...do you want it? - Otogo takes a letter from his waistcoat and showed it to Ryu. After doubting it for a minute Ryu decided to take it.

 

The envelope is obviously a trap set by your evil uncle, Ryu. Don't trust it!

 

But for Otogo's surprise

 

Take a sip.

 

he didn't open it immediately, he left the letter in his deck and went back to his bed.

 

Ryu's an emo teen; he's supposed to do random things that involve lying around doing nothing.

 

Otogo left the room annoyed by this reaction

 

Take a sip.

 

but he seems to remember something that calm him down.

 

Take a sip.

 

Some hours has passed and Ryu, who has quickly fell asleep, suddenly wakes up. He looks at the city through his window. It is becoming dark, and the light of the top building starts to light up. Ryu looks at the letter in his desk again.

 

And then he opened it?

 

He decided that he want to go out and take some fresh air,

 

The one time our author decides not to explicitly state a character's motivations is the one time those motivations are unclear without said statement. Beyond the boilerplate "Ryu is depressed about his mom so he puts off reading the letter" explanation, I really don't see why he doesn't open the letter - particularly since he had previously complained about NOT receiving letters - and an inability to identify with the main character is generally not a terribly good thing.

 

so he takes the letter and keep it in his pocket, then he opens the window and jumps out, landing in the backyard, while walking near the kitchen's window he went all sneaky so Otogo couldn't realize that he left his room.

 

Bear in mind that Otogo has been established as the sneaky one.

 

But suddenly he was curious

 

Take a sip.

 

at what Otogo was doing there so he took a peek

through the window. Otogo was looking an old photo album while smoking a pipe. The photo he was looking showed a seemingly young version of himself, hugging a young brown haired girl and another gray haired boy. All of them were holding Duel Disks in their arms and Otogo was holding a trophy. Otogo noticed that the page the photo was in, was very old and he decided to take the photo off the page to paste it in another one. While he was going to take some paste from a box near the kitchen's table, Ryu left the window and started to run off heading to the city.

 

Looking at old photographs is a rather cliche form of character development, but it beats everything that has happened so far, so it feels unfair of me to complain about it.

 

While he run, he remembered some moments of his childhood.

 

wait what

 

A randomly inserted line about "And while Main Character did something he suddenly remembered The Past!, which he had presumably not forgotten before but just trust me he's super-remembering it now, honest!" seems to crop up in a lot of Foe Fics - it was certainly in that Kingdom Hearts one with the hole with not end, and it might have been in one of the others that I've forgotten. My best guess is that it's intended to simulate a Blipvert-Flashback - one of those things in television where a mundane scene with a character flashes back to half-second clips on when they were younger or something - but it's invariably random, out-of-place, awkward, and pointless. Not to mention that we're never actually told specifically what those memories that are being remembered are.

 

And as he keep running memories of his past haunted him,

 

This reminds me of that time when I was walking down the street and then suddenly I became haunted by an unspecified memory of when I was a kid so I started running away or something. Except that never happened because that's stupid.

 

but also he started to feel that he was letting this situation take control of his life and he was losing much.

 

Take a sip.

 

This really feels like it's trying to be a debtor's Evangelion (because a regular poor man's Evangelion would still be better than this). Let's have emo teens work their way through Freudian psychological hangups, but let's skip those minor unnecessary details like the psychology, the hangups, the act of working through them, and pretty much everything else.

 

While the thought of this he didn't noticed that someone was coming across him and the next thing Ryu felt was he falling into the ground.

 

And suddenly Ryu found himself in a school life harem comedy.

 

“Damn it!” Thought Ryu as he try to get himself up again. He feels dizzy because of the fall.

 

Take a sip.

 

- Eh...excuse...excuse me, can you...move please? - A sweet and very feminine voice, comes from the girl Ryu had fallen over.

 

-Wait what?- Ryu looked down a saw a Light brown haired girl, looking at him all blushed – Oh god Sorry, I mean I haven't seen you! - Ryu Jumps off of the girl embarrassed.

 

This story just got worse in the only way it could possibly have still gotten worse: by inserting fanservice.

 

- It's OK I'm fine. - The girl started to pick up her stuffs and then asked. - I haven't seen you around, do you live in this town? -

 

Is Nishigawa so small that any two random people on the street would be expected to know each other? If so, is Nishigawa actually Hinamizawa, and will this random girl be producing a cleaver?

 

- Ehm?...Oh Yeah well...I moved here like 3 months ago and...am...I'm Ryu..nice to meet you...i guess. - Ryu says as he help her getting up.

- I see, I'm Asuka - She answered. -

 

...Asuka? I was joking about this being an Evangelion clone. (Though she certainly doesn't act like Eva's or GX's Asuka.)

 

so you look around my age. I'm 14 but I'll be 15 soon. I guess if we go to the same academy we can get along. - She smiled.

 

Everyone in this town goes to the same academy? How small is this place?

 

- Academy, you mean like High School, right? - Ryu asked

- Oh Yeah, well here we have an Academy, we learn the same things than in a normal High School, and we get our first steps at Dueling, you know.- Asuka answered happily.

 

People in this universe don't start learning to duel until age fifteen? Considering that GX's Duel Academy is accepting people based on them already being the best of the best in the country of their age once they reach age fifteen, it seems like anyone who waits for whatever Academy Asuka's talking about will be hopelessly far behind.

 

- They teach you how to duel at school?- Ryu was kinda shocked by this news.

 

Silly Ryu, you're in a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic.

 

-Yes of course

 

Obviously. How could we possibly have a school without card games?

 

we even start...- Asuka watched his bags and realized that she was late – Oh god I'm so late I gotta make the dinner, sorry Ryu, I must leave you...-Asuka turned around and begins to run, she looked back and said – See you in classes then!!!.

 

Why is she so certain that they will be going to the same school?

 

Ryu say goodbye to Asuka waving his hand. An awful feeling come to him again,

 

Take a sip.

 

Also, an awful feeling comes over Ryu every paragraph; he should be used to it by now.

 

he remembered that his mother never told him what was going to happen with his education.

 

That's rather a large thing to overlook. Especially since you've already been living here for three months, so you've obviously missed some school already. Still, if only his mother had some way of communicating wit Ryu that she had already used but where Ryu had not yet properly received the message... something like an unopened letter or something... hmmm...

 

He decided it was time to come back home...and started to walk again.

 

When he gets home he forgot he has run away and he encounters Otogo in the front door.

 

Ryu, you're no Hayabusa.

 

“Damn it, He must be mad at me now...Why was so stupid.” Ryu thought while Otogo lead him to the kitchen “He might want to punish me now”

- Ryu – Otogo interrupted Ryu's inner talk.

- Oh Yeah...”I knew it, he's gonna kill me”- Ryu started to feel scared.

 

Take a sip.

 

Also, anyone who hasn't yet figured out that Otogo isn't going to punish him and is actually a nice guy and yadda yadda yadda, please stand up.

 

*gunshots*

 

This demonstrates the value of not being an idiot.

 

- Did you...read you mother's letter yet? - Otogo asked with a worried face.

 

Take a sip.

 

Also, his mother's letter is a poorly-concealed Chekhov's gun containing plot-relevant details regarding his education that would ruin everything in this chapter (and therefore have no effect) if he were to actually do the sensible thing and read it.

 

- Wait you are not mad at me or anything? - Ryu was shocked by his uncle's attitude.

 

Take a sip.

 

- Why would I? Yes you go out without my permission but...you gotta understand I'm not your father, so I can't being all that bossy with you...even when you mother left me the responsibility of taking care of you. - Otogo explained as he serves Ryu a cup off coffee.

- I...see - Ryu felt terrible for his behavior since he gets there and started to understand Otogo's feelings..and how much he care for him.

 

Take a sip.

 

And so Ryu finishes figuring out what everyone else knew since the chapter started - he's a git and Otogo is a pretty cool guy.

 

Incidentally, I find it rather interesting that Ryu's characterization of Otogo as "crazy" in the recording prologue thing was proved false, but we are still expected to take every single other instance that makes us drink at face value as perfect truth.

 

Translator's note: "Interesting" means "stupid".

 

- Thanks, Otogo senpai -

 

Otogo feels please with this.

 

Take a sip.

 

Before this line, it seemed obvious to me that Otogo is really angry about being thanked and being understood by the angsty emo teen and blah blah blah, so it's a good thing this line was included to tell us that this was not actually the case. I would just like to point that out as a reminder of why we drink when this sort of hideous writing shows up.

 

In that moment Ryu takes the letter from his pocket and opens it, when he took the letter from the envelope, a Duel Monsters card fall from it. Ryu took it, and smiled. He then proceed to read the letter.

 

Remember that I'm reviewing this blind, writing my comments for each line before moving on to the next. If I refer to future plot twists like "The letter sets Ryu off to card gaming!!!!", then it's not because I've read ahead and am revealing these mad spoilers to ruin the story for you guys, it's because the twists are painfully obvious that I just guess right.

 

A few minutes latter he finished and started to cry...

 

I expected this to be followed by a line saying "He started to cry because he felt emotional".

 

the letter explained that his mother was out of the country for a few months so she couldn't keep in contact with him...and sadly she will be on a new travel very soon..but she promised making everything as possible to return soon.

 

Waitaminute, the full contents of the letter were a trading card and a notice saying that she wouldn't be sending any more letters? Considering that the letters only seem to exist to discuss the letters themselves, what's the point of the letters?

 

Also, apparently the letter just contained a card but didn't tell Ryu to go to duel school. I was wrong, and I was wrong immediately after posting three lines explaining that things were so obvious that I was always right. There's a fail for me... though all it means is that Otogo will be explaining the schooling based on the instructions of the letter's author and the letter will only be hinting absurdly strongly at them, which is still so close as to be functionally equivalent.

 

- It's ok son I'll take care of you as long as you need it...which means I gotta tell you something - Otogo tried to comfort Ryu.

-No, I mean I'm no sad or anything I'm happy now. You know? - Ryu laughed for a while and then asked. - What you got to tell me is about my education right?. -

 

See, even this idiot Ryu has figured out the plot.

 

Otogo was pleased to see how Ryu was not depressed anymore, he sees a new spark of happiness on him. He nodded and said. - YEAH! - Otogo seriousness disappeared quickly and he started to act as usual – I need to inform you that you are starting school!!!! -

 

A school-age boy going to school!? Impossible! What a twist!

 

Ryu attitude also change to more cheer one – Hahaha I knew it well I can't wait for this year to begins – Ryu started to walk to his room.

 

- Ryu!!! - Otogo interrupted him. - Did I told you you start classes TOMORROW???...Hahaha –

 

And suddenly Otogo's status as a reasonable authority figure becomes questionable.

 

Otogo started to read a book as he left Ryu go back to his room – I must have forgotten. -

 

Ryu stopped there...and turns on Otogo madly again – YOU SAID TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!. -

 

CALM DOWN! - Otogo shouted as he takes a deck from his waistcoat – I made this one for you since you didn't get your deck from home...

 

Asuka said their school did normal classes plus a bit of intro to dueling. That means that handing someone a deck is not appropriate preparation for school, especially on zero notice. Ryu's going to need at the very least notebooks, folders, and other stuff.

 

and one more thing – Ryu and Otogo were silent for a minute. - Good Luck.

 

Ryu smiled as he took the deck and placed the card his mother sent him on it. He thanked Otogo and head back to his room.

 

By the way, I wasn't keeping track during that whole last scene, so just drain your glass, pour yourself a new one, and then drain that one too.

 

Once he got there he put it in his deck

 

Ryu doesn't know what his deck is or how it works, and as far as we know he hasn't even read the card he received, but Ryu just throws the card in there randomly. It's a good thing Ryu's school seems to teach dueling for complete novices.

 

and turn out his computer's camera once again.

 

-Hi mother, it's me Ryu again – He said. - Seems like...I'll have and interesting year after all...Thanks for all. -

 

The camera then turned off...

 

Is he actually sending these recordings to his mother? If so, why doesn't she respond to them, and why does she use ordinary snail mail for her messages, and why would going out of the country cut off their contact? If not, why does he make them?

 

Recording Finished

 

And that brings us to the end of this story.

 

The only nice thing I can say about this story is that the Otogo-is-good twist was good in the sense that it subverted the telling-over-showing convention and was hinted at enough that it didn't come out of nowhere and could be figured out by the reader in advance. Unfortunately, any points the story earned for that perk it lost because Otogo's goodness was so heavily telegraphed that you'd have to be an idiot not to suspect it from the very start and because telling-over-showing was always one hundred percent reliable in every other instance (and anyone who used to have functioning liver knows just how many of those other instances there were).

 

Meanwhile, the dialogue was awkward, the plot twists were obvious, the characters took nonsensical actions to suit the plot, the place of card games in the world is not at all clear - they're universal enough that ordinary schools use them but rare enough that Ryu had never played before? They can't be going to Duel Academy itself, since Ryu couldn't possibly pass the entrance test... - the psychology was amateurish and shoehorned in (I still can't get over that scene where he literally runs from unspecified ghosts of his past or something), the exposition was awkward, and I just can't think of any positive aspects to balance out all of these shortcomings. And that's not even getting into the spelling and grammar, which I did avoid harping on but which still makes the story even less readable (and the not-speaking-English-well excuse doesn't cover the bizarre use of hyphens instead of quotation marks).

 

If only this story had itself watched How Not To Be Seen, perhaps I would have been spared my suffering.

 

[spoiler=The Magnificent 7 - {Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale}]Next, we'll tackle Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale by JadenxAtemYAOI.

 

Before we begin, I would like to note that the story is center-aligned and suffers from a lack of paragraph breaks, which makes the whole thing even harder to read. It won't show up in my commentary because I reformat it to interrupt after every sentence, but just bear that in mind throughout all of this. Besides my glimpse of the formatting, this is another blind review.

 

We'll start with the title.

 

Kingdom Hearts: The Forgotten Tale

 

That's how it's written in the text. In the topic title, "hearts" and "forgotten" are not capitalized. That is not a terribly encouraging sign.

 

A long time ago, in a world that never was.

 

Isn't there a place in Kingdom Hearts canon called the World That Never Was? It's a good thing I knew that already, since the fact that it isn't capitalized here would otherwise lead me to deem it pretentious nonsense.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

An old villain by the name of Master Illiaster.

 

I have no idea whether he's a canon character or not. If he is, then he hardly needs to you come out and tell us that he's a villain. If he's not, then it's a very bad idea to introduce characters by saying "This is his name he is the villain u shudnt like him!", since that's just seven kinds of bad writing.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

A man with a maiden with the power of people's memories.

 

A list of one-byte descriptions of characters.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

Alongside him is a young sword master with the power over people's hearts.

 

That actually is a sentence. This just proves that the story didn't start with a series of sentence fragments out; it started with a series of sentence fragments because JadenxAtemYAOI doesn't know what a complete sentence is.

 

Altogether they created new kinds of beings.

 

Everybody: "They created new kinds of beings."

 

I really hope someone says the word "surely" in this story so I can steal that joke from Airplane! as well.

 

A being with its heart collapsed and no memories, yet still living.

 

And we're back to sentence fragments. Splendid.

 

They are called Neo-Minds.

 

Keanu Reeves: "Neo very much Minds that you're associating him with this awful story."

 

And the fusion of a heartless and a nobody which is called a Shellxart.

 

...is that some sort of DeviantArt spinoff splinter site or something?

 

Also, my meager second-hand knowledge of the Kingdom Heartsverse tells me that a Heartless has a heart but no body or soul and a Nobody has a body and soul but no heart, so why isn't a fusion of them just an ordinary person?

 

The process of making these beings is unknown

 

First of all, everything here is being infodumped on us by an omniscient third-person narrator, so nothing here is actually not known to our disembodied exposition guy here. Second of all, we were just told that they were formed by fusing a Heartless and a Nobody; that seems to fairly neatly sum up how these beings are made to me.

 

but they are being made very fast. The Shellxart have power over Nothing and Darkness. They are unaffected by the keyblade like beings without darkness. The neo-minds double for every one beaten until the maximum can be killed at the same exact time.

 

I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this, but fortunately I have plenty to say about why I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this. The reason is that this whole opening to the story is just a dry series of pieces of exposition introduced without so much as a framing device - which, while not as grating as awkward dialogue in which characters tell each other information that each of them already knows for the reader's benefit, is still a clumsy and uninteresting way of providing exposition and introducing the setting. And it doesn't give me anything funny to say.

 

Illiaster walked down the hall. He was checking on the progress of the perfect being. But all he saw were Shellxarts and Neo-minds.

 

Illiaster establishes himself as a terrible evil overlord by failing to properly check the progress of his evil plan.

 

He opened a dark portal to the world Radiant Garden. Meanwhile in Radiant Garden a meeting was beginning.

 

In a world called Radiant Garden,

 

I don't remember where this scene is taking place. Can we say its name a few more times?

 

there is a castle home to the Army of Light or World Restoration Organization. Atop the highest tower there are 10 people in white cloaks discussing a variety of things.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of things were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone remembers something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened. One gets the feeling that everyone in these stories speaks like Charlie Brown's teacher and doesn't speak in actual words.

 

Then a person in a sapphire cloak walks in and sits in the chair at the end of the table. The people in the white cloak begin to quiet down. The person in the sapphire cloak takes off her hood and a 16 year old girl is what they see. The guard on her right is eying her in a lover's protective way.

 

I know, I know, show don't tell and take a sip, but considering that the story so far has consisted of random generic figures doing random generic things without any specifics, explanations, or context, I'm actually grateful for this little bit of information here, however poorly it's been inserted into the story.

 

She looks up and says "Denizens of light, representatives of worlds. We come here to discuss about the problems appearing our worlds. People are disappearing and monsters are appearing. We have to do something about this."

 

Girl: "Monsters keep popping up and eating people. We kinda don't like that; maybe we should stop it or something?"

 

I'm sure this speech was meant to sound epic, but it, to put it mildly, does not. It sounds like the World of No Duh sent Queen Obvious as its delegate to this council.

 

A member on the left says “We have indeed seen this. In fact, I’ve heard the old witch Maleficent is adding to the problem”

 

From whom have you heard this? If somebody knows Maleficent is behind it, then you should already have been, I don't know, raising an army to stomp on her or something. If it's just some rumour that panicked townspeople made up, then there's no point even mentioning it. So which is it?

 

A large person in a white cloak stands up and says "This is nonsense, the prophecy is wrong. This girl cannot be the one who mothers the Supreme Princess of Light and the one who is said to connect his heart with anyone and bring them to the side of Light"

 

wait what

 

Again, having not played Kingdom Hearts, I don't know if this prophesy and whatnot is canon or whether it's something added for this story, but given the awkward amount of detail Large Person Guy goes into here, I'm going to guess it's something new being added that is being defined here in that grating-dialogue-exposition-between-characters-who-already-know way that I mentioned before. If it is, then it's a horribly awkward introduction. If it isn't, then it's both a terribly clumsy line and it doesn't even serve any useful purpose by providing the audience with new information. Both options are terrible.

 

A man in an emerald coat walks in and sticks out his hand and shoots a beam of light to a tablet.

 

LASERHANDSMAN is officially my favourite character in this story.

 

The tablet lit up and a scene played out. A brown haired boy with the original keyblade of Light and a red-haired girl with the Keyblade of Hearts are together. Scenes of the future show different events that happen.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of events were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone watches something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened.

 

Yes, I have very little new material here because I'm getting bored of this story. It's not even a special, over-the-top form of boring like Alex's introduction scene from Hopeless Paradise; it's just a mundane dullness that makes it impossible for me to care about anything that's happening here, since the story so far has consisted of an infodump follows by random unnamed characters doing random things without context. I just can't bring myself to care. And based on the way that JadenxAtemYAOI goes out of his way to avoid describing anything, it feels like he can't bring himself to care either.

 

Then one of them dies. The girl stands up with tears in her eyes and says "this meeting is over"

 

I'm assuming that this girl is actually Queen Obvious in the real meeting and not the girl from the tablet's story, but the abrupt shift makes this non-obvious until after you get to the end of the sentence.

 

The people in cloaks of white open up portals of light and walk out. The man in the emerald coat walks up to her and asks “Annie, are you okay.”

 

We finally found a proper noun in this mess! Huzzah!

 

Annie wiped away her tears and replied “Yes, I am okay Paris. Leave me alone as I want to go to my chambers.” Paris looked at her sternly and said “As you wish, but once you’re my bride.

 

See? We were told he loved her before, and now he says he will marry her. This is known as "continuity" or "plot development" or something.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

There will be no more secrets.” Annie stood up and replied “I do not love you. You only want the throne once my father dies.” Paris replied angrily “Whether you like it or not, your father is required to let me marry you. You know of the treaty.”

 

We're actually getting some information about people here. I'm shocked. Pity it's too late for me to care.

 

Also, my knowledge of Greek mythology tells me that it's a very bad idea for someone named Paris to get into a marriage with a noblewoman he loves as a result of a deal. That sort of thing tends to cause wars. And it didn't work out too well when he tried to marry that one Capulet girl either.

 

Annie looked at him in the face and said “I wish you were dead. Get out of here.” Paris had had enough and said “As you wish

 

 

my lady.” Annie walked up to one of the knights and whispered “We’re alone” and the knight replied “May I take thy maiden for a walk?” Annie blushed and kissed the knight on the cheek. “You always can William. My heart is yours.” William replied “and you have the key to my heart”

 

o i c wut u did thar

 

Annie began walking down the hallway with William. The other knights hesitated for a moment and Annie said “It’s okay, I only need him.” The two arrived in the courtyard and Annie saw her father reading a book on a bench. Annie ran up to him and asked “Father, do I have to marry Paris.”

 

I've never understood why princesses in generic fantasy settings always insist on defying arranged marriages and running off to marry for TWU WUV and all that. In such a setting, arranged marriages for noblewomen are facts of life necessary to forge and maintain alliances, and any such girl would have been raised her whole life with the expectation of ultimately entering such a marriage. Despite this, any noble female protagonist seems to receive a magical infusion of modern western ideology from the other side of the fourth wall and defy this for reasons that make no sense in-universe.

 

Still, that's hardly a flaw unique to bad fanfiction. Huxley's Brave New World has a similar problem, with Bernard Marx somehow acquiring modern Western morality so that he can be our protagonist until John Savage comes along and steals that role from him, and it also begins with almost a full chapter of characters telling each other things they already know for the audience's benefit. Despite this, Brave New World is still an amazing book and Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale is still terrible.

 

Her father, Ansem, replied “Yes you do. None of the other worlds have a warrior as great as Paris.

 

Ansem seems like a reasonable authority figure who knows how his own universe functions. I suspect I'm supposed to sympathize with Annie here, but Ansem is the one with whom I agree.

 

Only the head captain, William here is stronger than him.

 

Of course, JadenxAtemYAOI had to make the TWU WUV interest the strongest-est fighter in the multiverse, because otherwise our hero might not be sufficiently perfect in every way. Given that he's the love interest and the best warrior guy ever but hasn't shown any actual personality beyond I WUB U, I'm going to call Marty Stu on William here. At the very least, he's a flat, ridiculously idealized shallow love interest, which in and of itself is fairly bad.

 

And you know the code.” Annie looked up at William and then her father. She said “But father, you are the king. You can change their rules” Ansem looked at William and asked “Are you implying that you love William.”

 

William: "Why do you people always end questions without question marks."

 

Annie hesitated and said “no father, it’s just, you know. He was practically raised as a member of the family. He is like a brother to me. He is the one I want to marry”

 

Apparently, the Westermarck effect does not exist in this universe.

 

Ansem had an angry look but it settled into a smile. “I will see what I can do.

 

Aw, Ansem, and you had had my support before you said that.

 

Perhaps that daughter of yours can marry the other prophesized wielder. The bishops have seen much potential as a warrior.” Annie said “Oh daddy, thank you” Annie jumped and hugged her father. Ansem looked at William and asked “And what do you think of this William” William was speechless and immediately answered “I will be on duty for eternally as her protector” Ansem nodded and said “Wise answer my boy”

 

blah blah blah blah blah

 

I stopped caring when the only sane person, Ansem, suddenly joined Annie and William in their mutual amnesia regarding the setting. Not to mention that all of these vague mentions of ten million nonspecific prophesies are probably intended to sound epic but just end up being annoying. When's Illiaster going to show up and kill everyone?

 

Master Illiaster walked out of the dark portal and saw Ansem and Annie.

 

Now that's more like it. I just hope this doesn't devolve into William showing off his best-swordsman-evership, because it does then he's definitely a Marty Stu and I'm definitely gouging my own eyes out to escape this story.

 

Illiaster said “Nice to see you again Ansem. Remember our last encounter?” Ansem clutched his chest and said “Yes, you killed my wife and Annie’s mother”

 

Illiaster: "I already know that. You already know that. Annie and William already know that. Why say it?"

Ansem: "Yes, but they didn't know that."

Illiaster: "Who is this 'they'?

Ansem: "The otherworldly beings who injected me with modern Western ideology."

Illiaster: "What are you talking about?"

Ansem: "Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behind you."

Illiaster: "Wh-"

LASERHANDSMAN: "HANDLASER!"

 

Illiaster said “Yes, that was 6 years ago, yes? William summoned his sword and shot a beam of light at Iilliaster. Illiaster was hit square in the chest and said “Hah, mere child’splay. Put down that sword boy” Paris jumped out the sky

 

wait what

 

and slammed his sword into the ground. Mass amounts of earth were sent flying at Illiaster. Illiaster took the hit

 

Is that all Illiaster does? He keeps taking hits without attempting to block or dodge or anything.

 

and said “You’re quite a random one. “ illiaster warped behind Paris and gripped him, froze his arm and shattered it. Illiaster took a step back and said “I’ll let my friends take care of you”

 

Why? Illiaster is immune to everyone's attacks and has insane magical powers, so why doesn't he just kill everyone himself instead of running off and hoping that a few low-level grunts will be able to handle the finestest swordsmanguys in the worlds?

 

He summoned 3 neo-minds and 2 shellxarts. Paris with one arm shot a ball of fire at the neo-minds. William said “You idiot!! You kill them at the same time or they just keep on reappearing” Paris replied “Oh shi-. Well 6 isn’t a problem.” 6 ne-minds appeared. William summoned bolts of lightning and vanquished the neo-minds. William then summoned his second sword and started cutting down the Shellxarts.

 

tl;dr: William's awesome so be kills everything and that idiot Paris isn't as good and yadda yadda yadda Marty Stu.

 

My final thoughts about this story are pretty much what I've been saying throughout it. There's a surfeit of poorly-handled exposition, the characters' actions make no sense either in practical terms or in terms of the world in which they were raised, everything related to the big council of good guys is laughably vague, the two new super-mooks were introduced for the story only to show off the awesome awesomeness of the resident Marty Stu, and nothing about the whole experience was interesting to me in any way. This story's just bad on all counts; surely you can do better than that.

 

JadenxAtemYAOI: "I can't. And don't call me Shirley."

 

 

 

Now there's a pair of legitimately awful stories for you.

[Infinitus]

I should add people who can shoot lazers in my fics.

 

BTW, I just came up with an idea for a Kingdom Hearts fan fic. Not only is it hilarious, but I come up with fic ideas.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not an experienced writer, and I fear ending up on Foe Fiction.

[Brinolovania]

o_0 This thread makes me happy...I enjoy laughing at innocent people's expense. Also, you might like my fic for this-I'm bored of writing it, and it's just crappy enough for you. And I only wrote 2 chapters, but i managed to cram in a lot of crap...here. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-199286.html

[Red_Gengar]

Illiaster: "I already know that. You already know that. Annie and William already know that. Why say it?"

Ansem: "Yes, but they didn't know that."

Illiaster: "Who is this 'they'?

Ansem: "The otherworldly beings who injected me with modern Western ideology."

Illiaster: "What are you talking about?"

Ansem: "Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behind you."

Illiaster: "Wh-"

LASERHANDSMAN: "HANDLASER!"

 

I laughed for a serious five minutes.

[RyanAtlus]

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-157324-page-1.html

 

Try to rape it.

I dare you.

[Guest Star]

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-187761.html

 

Perhaps you could take a gander?

[Guest Ixigo]

Instead of linking your fics for Crab to destroy, why not try writing better fics?

 

Anyway, loving this so far, Crab. Though some might perceive this as cynical and presumptuous (not many, I'd hope), I think it's a great opportunity for writers to learn from their, and other people's mistakes. Making note of the things Crab criticizes and satirizes and paying attention to them when you're writing is a great way to climb up on the writers' scale, even if you already consider yourself way above the level of the Foe Fiction stories.

[Guest Star]

Instead of linking your fics for Crab to destroy' date=' why not try writing better fics?

 

Anyway, loving this so far, Crab. Though some might perceive this as cynical and presumptuous (not many, I'd hope), I think it's a great opportunity for writers to learn from their, and other people's mistakes. Making note of the things Crab criticizes and satirizes and paying attention to them when you're writing is a great way to climb up on the writers' scale, even if you already consider yourself way above the level of the Foe Fiction stories.

[/quote']

 

I have to agree with you. Actually, in regards to your first question, I haven't receieved much criticism at all for that one, yet Crab seems to be able to pick out things that are wrong along with "hidden" details on how to improve it. So, I'd like to see if he thinks there's something wrong that other people might not have.

[Night]

This is better than sex. I laughed throughout the entire thing. You my friend area genius. I now feel the urge to create a fan fic. Oh and I stole the "LolDanger"

[Phantom Roxas]

Instead of linking your fics for Crab to destroy' date=' why not try writing better fics?

[/quote']

 

Do what I did - have Crab destroy my fic so I would get a better idea of where my writing is weak.

[CarlinFan]

Crab, if you have a minute, I'd love it if you could review my fic.

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-203367.html

 

I worry about not being up to snuff when it comes to writing, so if you have a minute, I'd love having you rip my writing apart so I can see where I'm weak. Thank you.

[Womi]

Crab, what did you do? There's a typo! <=O

[Guest]

Before we begin the eighth Foe Fiction, I would like to shamelessly plug Yu-Gi-Oh! SL, my own duel-free, quality-free, monologue-ridden, three-act, Mary Sue-infused story. Now let's get on with the fun stuff.

 

[spoiler=8 Days a Week - {Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist's Soul}]Our next subject is Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist's Soul by nairb27.

 

I'm skipping over Chapter Plot and Chapter Characters because I'm sick of seeing them. Chapter Characters has a nice subversion and joke that I would have given props for were it not for Chapter Plot's existence ruining that.

 

Let's begin with the Chapter 1 instead. As usual, I'll be commenting blind.

 

A Taste of the Power

 

Isn't the phrase normally just "A Taste of Power"?

 

Chase Pearson was bored out of his mind. He was currently listening to a lecture on long division from his algebra teacher, Mr. Taylor. Mr. Taylor seemed to not understand the meaning of the word "interesting". Nobody was paying any attention to him.

 

There's so much redundancy in this paragraph it's not even funny. The same thing is said four times:

 

1) Chase was bored.

2) Mr. Taylor didn't know what "interesting" was.

3) Nobody was paying attention.

4) Mr. Taylor was lecturing on long division.

 

Maybe it's some sort of meta thing where the point is to use repetition to make the reader as bored as Chase, but boring the audience to make them relate to a character was already proven to be a terrible idea by a little something called Endless Eight.

 

Incidentally, if you're still playing the drinking game from that other Foe Fic, take a sip.

 

Chase was about average height for a 14-year-old. He had dark brown hair, almost black, and brown eyes. He was slim, almost underweight.

 

A story that actually provides physical descriptions of its characters?! That's impressive.

 

He glanced at his friends, Sylvia Ramon, and Mark Nile. Sylvia was about Chase's height, but had blond hair that she never wore up, and green eyes. Mark had hair only slightly darker than Sylvia's, and blue eyes.

 

I mean, the physical description never goes beyond hair and eye color, but it's still something.

 

He was strong, and enjoyed punching out bullies.

 

How many bullies can there be around for him to do it enough that his entire personality can be summarized as "He likes punching out bullies"? Here's my theory: Mark's a bully who enjoys pretending people are bullies and then punching them out.

 

Chase groaned. My life is a freakish waste of time., he thought,

 

I agree, Chase, I agree.

 

It's too short for math class.

 

Now, Chase, if you don't do well in math class you'll never be able to study under Dr. House.

 

He was about to ask if he could go to the bathroom, just to get out, when an announcement came over the intercom. All Duel Monsters players, please report to the auditorium. Bring your Deck and Duel Disk, as you were instructed to bring them here.

 

Remember the old drinking game where you take a sip whenever a character's emotion is explicitly stated instead of simply being implied through that character's actions, words, and personality? Here's a new rule: take two sips whenever one character says something to another character that both of them know they both already know, in classic As You Know manner, purely for the benefit of providing this information to the audience. It's awkward and makes no sense in-universe and it shows up everywhere and it's just plain bad writing, so don't do it.

 

Everyone looked around, confused,

 

Indeed, it's very confusing when they ask you to bring your deck and duel disk to school and then, all of a sudden and out of nowhere, they ask you to go somewhere with the deck and duel disk that they ask you to bring.

 

"Everyone" is clearly suffering from brain damage from being beaten up by Mark so often.

 

but glad to get a break from class. Mr. Taylor looked up.

 

"OK," He said, "All Duelist's, go ahead and leave.

 

I hate to harp on something that could easily be a typo, but that apostrophe seriously shouldn't be there. Don't make me invent a drinking game rule for straightforward s/s'/'s mistakes caused by a lack of sixth-grade grammar knowledge.

 

Everyone else, turn to page 237 in your books..."

 

About 1/8th of the class groaned, while everyone else walked out.

 

Mr. Taylor is going to continue teaching vital information with only ~3 students left in the class because Mr. Taylor is a terrible teacher who doesn't mind leaving the other 7/8ths of the class in the dark.

 

Chase walked through the crowd of people, and found Sylvia and Mark waiting for him. They walked to their lockers, and took out their Duel Disks with their Decks in them.

 

"What do you suppose this is about?" Sylvia asked as they walked down the hallway.

 

"Who knows?" Chase replied. "I'm just glad I brought my Deck and Disk."

 

Indeed, Chase, it's a good thing you had the foresight to bring your deck and duel disk when you were explicitly told in advance by the school to bring your deck and duel disk. Any more hits from Mark and you might not have had a sufficiently functional brain to work that out.

 

You know, I'm starting to wonder if that "as you were instructed to bring them here" line was actually true. Sure, everybody has their decks and duel disks, but everybody seems surprised that they would be asked to use them after being asked to bring them.

 

"Well whatever it is, it can't be too bad if it gets us out of Taylor's class." Mark remarked.

 

"Yeah..." Chase said, laughing.

 

YES WE GET THE IDEA MR. TAYLOR'S CLASS WAS BORING THANK YOU

 

Also, Chase is laughing nervously and just giving agreement with no additional commentary here because he's found in the past that doing anything other than flatly agreeing with Mark tends to get him punched in the face.

 

They walked into the auditorium.

 

"Please sit down here." A teacher said, directing them to a bench.

 

All around them, people were murmuring. Nobody seemed to have any idea what was going on.

 

Everyone: "We have duel disks designed for dueling and decks that we use to duel and have been asked to bring them here! What could we possibly be doing with all of these supplies whose sole purpose is dueling?"

 

FLASHBACK

 

Mark: *punches everyone*

 

Just then, the school principle, Mr. Kalome, walked onto the stage.

 

Wait, Kalome? Everyone else has had a Western name so far, but now we have a Mr. Kalome here. Are we in America or Japan or what? I'm guessing he's just a Japanese guy who is a principal in an American school.

 

"Attention!" He shouted through a microphone, "May I have your attention! I would like to announce why you have been gathered here."

 

You could have told them they were here to duel by addressing them as "duelists" when calling for their attention And thus an unnecessary, unfunny reference to an overquoted series was averted... until my commentary made it instead.

 

The auditorium quieted down (mostly), and Kalome continued.

 

"Thank you all for coming. The reason you've been called here today, is that our school has been randomly selected to allow our Dueling students a once-in-a-life-time oppotunity.

 

MISSON

 

This sentence's spelling and grammar are pretty bad. I don't want to harp on every spelling and grammatical error in a story because that's boring and not terribly funny, so I'll just say that this last sentence's are characteristically bad - lifetime is randomly hyphenated, an unnecessary comma is thrown in, OPPOTUNITY - and remain silent on the topic from here on.

 

I assume you have all heard about the Final Duelist Tournament, being held by Industrial Illusions and Kaiba Corporation in New York City in a few weeks."

 

The auditorium filled with excited rumors.

 

What, people who had admittedly no idea what was going on before are now spreading rumors claiming they know exactly what's going on?

 

The Final Duelist Tournament was being held to finally determine the true Duel King- the winner of the tournament gets to Duel against 3 famously amazing Duelists-Maximillian Pegasus, Seto Kaiba, and the current Duel King, Yugi Moto!

 

Are those three all in New York City as well? I didn't think Kaiba and Yugi even spoke English.

 

Then again, since Pegasus's name is Maximillion Pegasus (or, as it's written here, Maximillian Pegasus here), I guess this takes place in the Englishverse, so these guys all speak English and live in some ambiguous part of America.

 

Mr. Kalome raised his hand.

 

"You may want to be quiet, if you want to hear what I actually mean...Thank you."

 

The room quieted instantly.

 

"Well...I personally won't be explaining it. But I'll introduce you to who will! Ladys and gentlemen, meet-"

 

LADYS

 

Also: We spent half the chapter coming to the auditorium, then he stood up on stage, then people quieted down, then he said something, then people talked, then he said he would talk more, then people quieted down, then he introduced someone else, and now people are unquiet again and GAH GET ON WITH THE EXPOSITION ALREADY

 

Incidentally, when I'm asking you to have a character give an expository monologue, something is very wrong.

 

But the rest of his sentence was cut off by an erupting cheer. Someone walked in the stage door, to the microphone- and that person was Seto Kaiba! Kaiba raised his hand,and the room went quiet again.

 

Kaiba began speaking.

 

And now we finally can start the real exposition. Remember that, so far, the only thing we've learned is that there's a new dueling tournament designed to crown the king of games again again for real this time. In a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, that's like learning that the next episode of 24 will last for one in-universe hour.

 

"I am here today, because your school was selected by KaibaCorp for a very special event.

 

This can't be the real Kaiba. He didn't call anyone a loser.

 

The event is simply this-a tournament will take place in this school. The range is the entire school. Spread out, then Duel at will.

 

I read that last line as "Spread out, then duel you will" and thought Kaiba had been replaced by Yoda.

 

To start the tournament, each of you will be given a puzzle card, like the famous Battle City tournament.

 

Yup, we're not even going to pretend that this isn't a ripoff of the canon.

 

When you Duel, both Duelist bet any number of your puzzle cards. The winner gets the losers cards.

 

If you're playing with a drinking game variant that reacts to s/s'/'s mistakes, do whatever your rules say now.

 

Also, yes, the winner gets whatever the loser bet. That's kind of how betting works. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

 

If you get 8 puzzle cards, then you qualify for the finals! Report back here, and wait for the other finalists. But before you come back here for the finals, place the cards in your Duel Disk, and you will see what the winner will receive! If you lose all your puzzle cards,you're out of the tournament. And when I said what the winner will receive-that's only one part. The winner of the tournament will be able to choose 2 other people, and the three luck ones will participate in the Final Duelist Tournament!"

 

Is this how tournament qualifiers normally work in this universe - with the company selecting a few random schools and taking the top guy and his two friends from those schools? That seems like an amazingly poor way to decide who can compete to be crowned Best Duelist Ever - anyone not from a selected school literally cannot possibly be chosen.

 

Also, how convenient that the winner gets to choose to people to go along with them, and the main character has exactly two friends in the world (well, one friend, plus Mark who will kill him if he doesn't choose him). That's clearly a more sensible system than, say, bringing the top three, and definitely isn't horribly contrived to allow Chase to fight some villainous opponent in the local final while still bringing his two friends with him instead of his more qualified rival.

 

The crowd erupted in ecstatic cheers. Everyone was talking at once.

 

Kaiba raised his hand again, and everyone fell silent for the third time.

 

No way is that the third time. That's at least the fourth. It certainly feels like the fourteenth.

 

"Are you ready, Duelists? Form 3 lines at the main door, and receive your puzzle card on the way out! Now go, Duelists! Go forth to victory!"

 

Everyone jumped up and raced for the door. Chase, Sylvia, and Mark hung back until the crowd wasn't quite as thick, and got in line.

 

I know this is supposed to make them look smarter than everyone rushing forward, but the end result is that they wait the longest and are the last ones out of the gate. That seems bad.

 

"We should make a pact." Mark said. "If one of us wins, we choose the other two to come with us to the FDT."

 

"Well, of course!" Chase said. "I wouldn't pick anyone else."

 

"Then we're agreed?" Mark asked.

 

"Yes." Chase replied.

 

"Definatly." Sylvia said.

 

DEFINATLY

 

Also, watch how this works: Mark suggests something and everyone goes along with it for fear of having their heads bashed in. So, does anyone really still doubt my interpretation of Mark? If you do, I'll punch your lights out.

 

Just then,they reached the front of the line.

 

"Here are your puzzle cards." A suited man at the door said,handing them each a card.

 

Why are they called Puzzle Cards anyhow? You bet them on duels and go back to the auditorium when you get eight of them; that's not terribly puzzling. I'm sure there will be a puzzle involved in the Sneak Preview Of Your Prize thing, but it still seems really odd.

 

The three Duelists stepped into the battlefield.

 

And the one Commentator stepped out of the story.

 

It's an entirely generic let's-have-a-Duel-Monsters-tournament story, but it takes forever to set up this plot (as if anyone is actually surprised by ZOMG DUEL TOURNAMENT!?) and makes less sense than most generic tournaments. There are no positive attributes to balance out these problems, unless you count the description of our heroes' hair colors.

 

Oh, and the title was a complete lie - no power was tasted in this chapter.

 

 

 

And yes, WiiOmi, I'm sure I made a typo somewhere. I'm sure there's one in 8 Days a Week too.

[Phantom Roxas]

WiiOmi, I think the simple mistake of spelling "with" without it's h is excusable.

 

Any plans for how long this will last?

[Guest]

Any plans for how long this will last?

 

It will last until I get bored or until YCM stops sucking at writing. In other words, it will last until I get bored.

[radio414]

I laughed so much that it hurts.

I guess Crab Helmet wasn't lying when he said that Foefiction is designed to hurt you.

[legendhiro]

gee, i hope Crab Helmet doesn't review one of my fics *wink wink hint hint*