Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Dr. Cakey]

Actually...I did run this through MS Word...It just didn't happen to find some things o.0

 

I'll double check it from now on.

 

Nexev actually helped me write the prologue...xD

 

Truth is' date=' the boss guy, is NOT Tragoedia.

Alex is.

 

Not that you're going to, but you'd have to read on to understand. I tried to not reveal a whole lot in the prologue.

The destruction of that world allowed spirits to enter our world, thus allowed Tragoedia into our world, where he could continue his mission on world domination, or simply go for revenge. Just because OUR memories are gone, doesn't mean the "dead world" has no memories. Their spirits can still remember, at given times.

The idea is that Alex eventually becomes aware of Tragoedia inside of him, and joins him. Together, they try to, well, cause of sh*t to go down. Another group, not shown in the prologue will oppose them, as they have spirits that where actually created by the dead government to fight the war against Tragoedia. While the two fight, Xan, and the rest of the group fight, and capture the spirits of all the highest level spirits (level 12 monsters). They eventually learn of Tragoedia. While he is not a Lv 12, he has the ability to control beings, which would make their mission easier. They allow Trag and the other group to fight, causing each side to grow weaker, so they can capture Trag, and put him to work for them...or thats what they hope will happen.

All the while, everyday evil sh*t will go down. Think Death Note, but instead of a book, Trag has a claw. The claw actually is something similar to a Death Note. If the claw touches a person, it tells Alex (Trag) what spirit, if any, is inside that person. Also, it can cause a shadow duel. Fun part is, because Trag can control physical activities slightly (only slightly, he can't make you kill yourself or anything), he can force you to stay put, and duel.

 

I know, the description of the characters (Xan, Alex) was..lacking. I've gotten better with every chapter.

The hand of death thing..I wasn't trying to be cool, I just thought it fit in well.

 

 

ANYWAY,

Thanks for all the advice, I actually loved the review. It was hilarious.

I'll try to do better next chapter.

 

I'll also go back, and fix the prologue/Chapter 1, making them past tense.

 

ohai thanx 4 spoilign teh stroy 4 me iwuz goin 2 raed it ro sumthin1!!!11!111111!!1!11

 

Maybe I should finish Chapter 5 of my fanfic and drop a link. It doesn't feel ethical to link to a story on page 10000. I guess people here just don't like Bleach?

[Guest Star]

Alright, so it took a bit, but I managed to read through it. Personally, I found it hilarious, and I even noticed a ton of mistakes I hadn't considered upon starting it. At least the grammar's good, right? *silence*

 

You know, when I started to develop that Fan-Fic, I was just throwing ideas on paper, and I was less focused on common sense than I was on plot. I was just trying to get it posted, and I rushed it, as clearly evident. Not to mention you made it seem much more cliche than I had originally intended.

 

I've spent some time developing a newer Fan-Fic; I'm not sure if you do second Fics for people you've already reviewed, but perhaps you could take a look. I didn't find it insulting, rather helpful in how I can improve on further topics, so thanks.

 

If you are interested, here's my new one: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-206519.html

 

I'd like to know what you think, and how I can improve it.

[Phantom Roxas]

I actually liked #0, and it's nice to see LASERHANDSMAN has his own color. Shame that Captain R seems to have been killed.

 

But really, Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[Guest War Torn]

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-204613.html

 

You may attack this if you want. It is not done yet, but attack if you want.

[Yankee]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[/quote']

 

I can't quite understand what you're saying...

[GenzoTheHarpist]

Ho boy, this one could use tackling... it looks good on the surface, but it's actually really bad.

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-206770.html

[Phantom Roxas]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[/quote']

 

I can't quite understand what you're saying...

 

We both start with a discussion about world domination and end with an awkward transition to a character named Alex.

[Umbra]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[/quote']

 

I can't quite understand what you're saying...

 

We both start with a discussion about world domination and end with an awkward transition to a character named Alex.

 

I think he's talking about ONCE WAS AND YOUR PROLOGUE. I didn't get that either, to be honest.

[Yankee]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[/quote']

 

I can't quite understand what you're saying...

 

We both start with a discussion about world domination and end with an awkward transition to a character named Alex.

 

Well, mine was just randomly made into Alex; You probably planned yours out.

 

It wasn't meant to be awkward...The three prologues aren't supposed to have a DIRECT relation to each other...However, they are all related..DX

I just didn't explain enough =/

 

 

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

[/quote']

 

I can't quite understand what you're saying...

 

We both start with a discussion about world domination and end with an awkward transition to a character named Alex.

 

I think he's talking about ONCE WAS AND YOUR PROLOGUE. I didn't get that either, to be honest.

[Guest]

The destruction of that world allowed spirits to enter our world' date=' thus allowed Tragoedia into our world, where he could continue his mission on world domination, or simply go for revenge. Just because OUR memories are gone, doesn't mean the "dead world" has no memories. Their spirits can still remember, at given times.

[/quote']

 

I thought the spirits merged with us, so us not having memories equals the spirits not having memories.

 

I actually liked #0' date=' and it's nice to see LASERHANDSMAN has his own color. Shame that Captain R seems to have been killed.

[/quote']

 

#0 was actually supposed to be likable. Captain R's abilities match whatever he decides the "R" stands for; in the past, he's been stupid things like Captain Ridicule or neutral, one-line things like Captain Retcon, but when he shows up as Captain Reviewer, he becomes, well, as good a reviewer as I'm capable of writing - he even specifically notes that his review is as good as mine and that ours are very similar. Character!Crab didn't even give Captain R's review a chance, as evidenced by him just skimming it and dismissing it for going "off-topic" when the supplementary materials were highly relevant; he fights Captain R because he likes being in charge and wins because he has LASERHANDSMAN on his side - not because he's necessarily the one true reviewer and Captain R is some evil guy of doom.

 

I was always dissatisfied with how everything involving Captain R played out. After introducing him for a joke that in retrospect really wasn't funny, I really didn't have anything I could do with him because his gimmick - Words That Start With R - was incredibly lame and not a terribly useful one, and when you're considered the non-versatile one when the next two guest commentators are Mary Sue and Guy Who Doesn't Care About People Who Aren't His Friends, something is very wrong. It didn't help that he was an original character (whereas the others were stolen from Foe Fics), which made his presence less reasonable. So I wrote him out of the series in just about the least interesting way possible, with a few lines banning him from the studio. But since I was so dissatisfied with how the whole Captain R affair turned out, I decided to break my promise that he was gone forever in order to bring him back one last time to give him a better send-off, in which he gets to write a full, decent review on his own before being decisively killed off by the most awesome character ever. (And yes, Captain R is dead.)

 

Incidentally, despite getting a text colour, LASERHANDSMAN isn't going to be becoming a main reviewer. Especially since he hasn't ever demonstrated the ability to say anything other than "Handlaser!" and "!!!".

 

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between [b']what[/b] the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

 

This change makes the sentence makes sense.

[Grunt Issun]

Oh, really? I'm sorry to disappoint you there, Mr. Helmet. Foe Fiction is mine!

 

i like invisible text

[Toffee.]

Incidentally' date=' despite getting a text colour, LASERHANDSMAN isn't going to be becoming a main reviewer. Especially since he hasn't ever demonstrated the ability to say anything other than "Handlaser!" and "!!!".

[/quote']

LASERHANDSMAN has a catchphrase, and nothing els. He cant become the main reviewer unless he miraculously learns how to speak(better) and says: "Why hello there, I am Mr.Laserhandsman, how are you today?"

 

....Im sure by then the universe would implode from how epic it was.

[Phantom Roxas]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between [b']what[/b] the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

 

This change makes the sentence makes sense.

 

I changed Chapter 1 of Hopeless Paradise, which is why I said "Chapter 1 once was".

[The Warden]

This'll probably go ignored, but feel free to foe-fiction me, I could use the publicity a laugh.

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-186206.html

[Guest]

And now we have #21. I went for a long fic again and still hit a bad one.

 

[spoiler=Blackjack - {Chaos Universe: The Unknown Past}]We'll turn now to Chaos Universe: The Unknown Past, a Yu-Gi-Oh! story by Haou Devil 12.

 

This thing is over sixty chapters long, so it must be at least decent, right? Right? (SPOILER ALERT: probably not.)

 

Chapter 1

 

Nick Cunningham, a 14-year-old boy, height 5'12',

 

Even if it had been formatted properly, with a " after the inches instead of a single ', we would still have a major problem here. Has anyone here seen anyone who is of height 5'12"? Technically, perhaps, but they certainly wouldn't describe it like that.

 

If you haven't figured out the problem yet, here's the key question: Does anyone here know how many inches are in a foot? It's not thirteen. It's not fifteen. It's twelve. There is no such thing as 5'12". There is only a flat six feet.

 

This may sound like a minor nitpick - who cares if Haou Devil 12 gave a nonsensical number? - but it betrays a far more troubling underlying problem. The height value is listed to describe Nick Carraway Cunningham, and ideally such description is intended to share the author's mental image of the character with the reader. However, here the description given is patently nonsensical, even though it's supposed to be describing something that Haou Devil 12 is imagining. How?

 

The author is describing nothing. The author is imagining nothing.

 

The only way for the author to produce such a meaningless description is for the author to just be writing without actually picturing anything to describe in the first place. He's not picturing Nick and then telling us how tall Nick is, since if he were doing that then he would be forced to give us a height that actually exists that matches his mental image; instead, he's just saying, "Well, I guess I'm supposed to describe my character or something, but I don't really have much in mind to actually describe, so I'll just scribble down a height value, like, uh, *rolls dice*, 5'12" 5'12'. What could possibly go wrong?"

 

This is unforgivably lazy writing; it's hard to get lazier than actively removing the creative part of the creative process and replacing it with randomness to disguise its absence. It also betrays a variety of related problems, like a lack of interest in the characters, a lack of desire to build the world, and a lack of desire to, you know, actually write properly.

 

We're less than halfway through the first sentence and this is already very bad.

 

a duelist in his time

 

As opposed to a duelist in someone else's time.

 

We seem to be establishing a pattern of complete nonsense being scribbled down in lieu of anything actually meaningful.

 

and always getting made fun of by kids at his school because he has a huge imagination

 

Unlike Haou Devil 12, who has thus far demonstrated a complete absence of imagination.

 

I can relate to Nick. Most of my "flaws" are things like "is too awesome" too.

 

and dreams of becoming the greatest card creator of all time.

 

...and since Nick is similar to me and Haou Devil 12 is on a card-making site, this is probably Haou Devil 12's real-life dream.

 

Of course, if Nick is indeed a self-insertion, it's even weirder that the author couldn't think of a real height for him. Perhaps he just chose a random number higher than his own height as part of the process of creating himself-but-better?

 

I do wonder how the process of card creation works in the Yu-Gi-Oh! universe. After all, the cards are somehow connected to magical spirits in an alternate dimension, so it's obviously very different from what it's like in real life, and in the actual series the only glimpse we get of the process consists of Pegasus creating the Egyptian God Cards by looking at some old stone carvings and then painting on an easel. But how do futuristic cards like Satellite Laser exist? Do those parallel monsters in the spirit dimension too? A good exploration of this topic could be interesting. Sadly, I doubt this story will provide a "good" anything, and based on the comment that Nick is a duelist "in his time", I suspect that this story will focus more on playing card games anyhow.

 

But sometimes when an imagination is strong enough, it becomes reality.

 

Only-

 

Only if it involves-

 

-if it involves friendship!

 

-the power of friendship!

 

...

 

...

 

...I think I might actually like you.

 

Of course! Everyone does!

 

(sighs)

 

Come on, this is basic writing. You don't write things like "(sighs)" to denote sighing unless you're writing a script, and you're not writing a script, you're writing a verbal serial. Would it really have been that hard to write "He sighed" instead?

 

"No matter what I do, kids at my school always treat me like dirt.

 

That's probably because you narrate out loud to the readers for no discernible in-universe reason. When I get treated like dirt by the kids at my school, I generally just sit in my room in the dark cutting myself with a kni- WAIT, I NEVER SAID THAT!

 

Sometimes I wish I went to a world where all my dreams come true."

 

SUBTLE FORESHADOWING

 

In fact, Haou Devil 12 is too busy making SUBTLE FORESHADOWING to actually make Nick's words make any sense at all. Fairly obviously, nobody would actually use such specific phrasing as "I went to a world where" et cetera et cetera except for the purpose of SUBTLE FORESHADOWING, but more fundamentally, why would anyone ever say anything of this sort? "I wish my dreams would come true"? Thank you for that wisdom, Nick, but I'm pretty sure everyone wishes their dreams would come true.

 

(yawns)

 

Stop that.

 

"I wish." said Nick as he was drifting off to sleep.

 

"I wish my wishes would be granted". This is the best Haou Devil 12 could come up with.

 

Unfortunatley,

 

Am I the only person on this whole bloody forum who owns a word processor with a spellchecker? Or are all of you too stupid to figure out the deep intricacies of MSWord? Or do you just want your stories to suck?

 

he got his wish

 

(gasps)

 

on that one night while he was still sleeping,

 

As opposed to all those other nights when he just lay awake in fear of being trapped in a badly-written story.

 

time had stopped and in an instant

 

In what sense can something happen "in an instant" when time is stopped?

 

I may sound petulant when I say all these things, but I really need to interrupt each sentence several times because they're all so horribly written.

 

his mind and spirit were transported to an unknown dimension.

 

"What the... Where am I?" said Nick.

 

Bear in mind that we just established in the previous sentence that Nick was asleep when he was instantly transported, but in this sentence he's wide awake and asking questions and stuff.

 

"You're in our... excuse me, your world Nick." said a voice.

 

Thanks for clearing that up.

 

"Who are... Wait a minute. Is that you Hydroc?" asked Nick.

 

"I knew you wouldn't forget a face when you saw it." answered Hydroc.

 

"Then, that means i'm in the Chaos Realm, but where are the others?" asked Nick.

 

Wait, is this the sequel to another story? Or is this just really badly-written?

 

"Nick you're here!" shouted a voice.

 

"Yubel?" said Nick.

 

And now for the most appropriate way to announce your incompetence at writing in the history of the world.

 

(Just so you know that this is the daughter of Yubel, because I couldn't think of another name so I chose "Yubel".)

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

Haou Devil 12, for someone whose author-insertion fantasy-persona is being persecuted for being too imaginative, your real-life self has an atrociously poor imagination. You hinted at it with the 5'12" nonsense in the very first sentence, and ever since then you've been in a crescendo of failed creativity, with this line here denoted in this score by fff.

 

I don't know why you're writing this story. I don't know why you think you can write this story. You're not good at writing. You're not imaginative. You're not even passable. You can't even think of names for your characters! This isn't that difficult! This isn't a high-level skill! This is pathetic! You're pathetic! This whole affair is pathetic! Everything about this is pathetic! Everyone who has followed your story for sixty chapters of this garbage is pathetic! It's pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! Pa-

 

[PLEASE STAND BY - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES]

 

Welcome back. Crab Helmet is currently hospitalized, recovering from injuries related to clawing at his own throat. I will continue this review; he will be back next time when he has healed and finished his therapy.

 

Yubel flies right at him and hugs him.

 

The story thus far has been narrated in the past tense, but this line is written in the present tense. I can detect no reason for this inconsistency beyond an error on the part of the author.

 

"I'm glad to see you too and in person." said Nick. "By the way, where's the troublemaker."

 

In this story, questions do not end in question marks.

 

"Well, you know the Duel Runner you imagined here?" asked Yubel.

 

Apparently this world came from Nick's imagination?

 

I'm grateful that we aren't being subjected to a wall of exposition here and are permitted to make simple deductions for ourselves, but at the same time, it's very poor form for the viewpoint character to understand perfectly what is going on while the readers, who share that character's perspective, are left in the dark. That sort of thing is acceptable when the character is pulling off a successful plan that would be boring if the readers were privy to its details in advance but is less acceptable when the entire premise of the story, complete with the entire plot, is obscured from us for no logical reason. In stories written in the third-person limited perspective, we're supposed to be seeing the world from inside the perspective character's head, but here it feels like we're just watching Nick without context and are barred from sharing his experiences properly.

 

"Yeah why?" asked Nick. "Don't tell me he..."

 

"WHOO-HOO!!!" shouted a voice.

 

"Uh, Z, you should get off now." said Yubel. (Just so you know again, Z is Zeo-Nexus The Chaos Warrior. You see, Nick, Z, and Yubel are close friends in that dimension.)

 

No. This is unacceptable. All of this is unacceptable.

 

A well-written story does not need to feature an author's note every few lines to explain what is going on - with the exception of Finnegans Wake, which requires limitless annotations to be comprehensible, but you, sir, are no James Joyce. You should not need to interject to explain things like this. Why not just write your story by writing your story? Unacceptable.

 

It would not even be that difficult to incorporate this information into the narrative itself. Why not just have the narrator refer to Z as "Zeo-Nexus The Chaos Warrior" once instead of breaking the narrative flow with an out-of-place author's note? And rather than mentioning it in a note, why not just demonstrate through their actions that these three are friends - or, if that's too difficult for you, don't write the story at the very least have the narrator mention it instead of interrupting the story like that. You chose the worst possible method of exposition. This sort of nonsense is just plain unacceptable.

 

To make matters worse, despite interrupting the story to awkwardly inject information, the meager information provided simply raises more questions. What kind of name is "Zeo-Nexus", and what does the title "The Chaos Warrior" mean? Is it a hereditary title? Does it denote his abilities, his mission, or his accomplishments? And how can they be friends in this world if Nick created this world and has never been here before? It's all unacceptable. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Unacc-

 

[iNTERMISSION]

 

Welcome back. The Professor Young Boy has been taken away by the authorities for the safety of himself and others, and since he is my friend, I agreed to take over the review in his absence.

 

And since I'm everyone's friend, I said I would take over the review too! Let's continue!

 

"Why should I?" asked Z.

 

"Because I'm here idiot!" said Nick.

 

"Oh crap!" said Z as he stopped the Duel Runner.

 

For people who we have just been told are good friends, they don't seem terribly friendly. Even being around each other seems awkward.

 

"Hey Nick. How's it goin'?"

 

"Save it. Now can someone tell me why i'm here?" asked Nick.

 

"For your test of course." said Hydroc.

 

As if anyone similar to me could possibly fail.

 

"My...test?" said Nick.

 

"To see if you're truly worthy to wield us Chaos Spirits." said Hydroc.

 

"Wait, I created you guys why do you think i'm not worthy to wield you?" asked Nick.

 

I know the feeling, Nick. Once in a while, I too occasionally encounter someone who is unwilling to worship me and acknowledge my godlike power.

 

"Because you lack the power you posess." said Zeo.

 

"Zeo, why do you say that?" asked Nick.

 

Why is he being called "Zeo" now instead of "Z"? Doesn't Nick call his friend by any somewhat-consistent name? And why is the narrator calling him "Zeo" now too? Did Haou Devil 12 get confused regarding what he was calling this character?

 

"When you created us, you thought of us as tools in your imagination." said Zeo.

 

That's understandable. I also think you're all tools.

 

"If you think of us more than that, then prove yourself by dueling every Chaos Spirit in this dimension. If you beat all of them, their spirits will be transformed into their cards and all that's left is you dueling me, so let the test begin!"

 

How does winning card games prove that Nick thinks of these creations are more than just plot devices?

 

It's because power equals goodness! That's why I'm both the most powerful and the most perfect character!

 

A flash of light surrounds the area and the first test begins.

 

"Now where am I?" asked Nick.

 

"You're in our dimension." said Hydroc & Tsunami as they float.

 

Wasn't that what Hydroc told Nick when he first arrived? Hydroc owns almost as many dimensions as I do.

 

Who is Tsunami, why has he suddenly appeared out of nowhere without comment, and why should I care about him if I haven't a clue who he is? For that matter, who is Hydroc too? Who are any of these people? Why should I care about any of them?

 

"Wait I have to duel both of you at once?" asked Nick.

 

"That's the idea." said Tsunami.

 

He's like me; he can win it in his sleep. In fact, since he never woke up, I think he actually is winning it in his sleep.

 

"But I don't have a deck. Whoa!" said Nick as hundreds of cards are floating around him.

 

"You can select cards from this card database to create your Deck." said Hydroc. "And here's the duel disk you created." (The duel disk Nick created has 24 Monster Card Zones and Spell & Trap Card Zones. Way out of line, yes, but effective.)

 

What!? That's- that's- that's absurd even by my standards! You can't do that! You can't do that! No! No! No! N-

 

Anten! No, Anten, calm down! Don't snap! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! D-

 

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

 

!!!

 

!!!

 

Nick selected 80 cards for his Deck and 20 cards for his Fusion Deck

 

!!!

 

and the duel started.

 

Duel!

Nick/ 5 cards/ LP 8000

Hydroc/ 5 cards/ LP 8000

Tsunami/ 5 cards/ LP 8000

 

!!!

 

Nick: Turn 1

I draw. I summon "Twin-headed Shark"(LV3/WATER/Fish/Effect/ATK/1500 DEF/1200). When this card is summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Fish-type monster from my Deck, so I summon "Sea Synchron"(LV2/WATER/Fish/Tuner/ATK/900 DEF/800). Now i'm tuning "Sea Synchron"(LV2) with "Twin-headed Shark"(LV3) to Synchro Summon "Frozen Behemoth"(LV7/WATER/Beast/Effect/ATK/2500 DEF/1400). If "Sea Synchron" was used in a Synchro Summon, its is treated as a LV4 monster. When this card is Synchro Summoned, I can select 2 cards from your Deck and put them at the top of my Deck and until my next Standby Phase, I can draw the 2 selected cards from my Deck, if one of them is a Spell, I can inflict 1000 points of damage to my opponent. I play 1 card face-down and end my turn.

 

Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Handlaser! Han-

 

[TO NEVER BE CONTINUED]

 

 

 

First the Zero! Zero! Zero! entry and now this. I should probably tone down the meta-shenanigans.

 

By the way, Ixigo, if you think just getting responders who say "great chapter write another" is uninspiring, at least it's better than I get here. Half the people who even post in this topic don't even comment on the Foe Fiction entries and just link to another bad story - which is useful, but hardly uplifting, even though I suppose asking me to write another contains some sort of implicit positive feedback.

 

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between [b']what[/b] the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

 

This change makes the sentence makes sense.

 

I changed Chapter 1 of Hopeless Paradise, which is why I said "Chapter 1 once was".

 

I know that's what you were saying. The "what" makes it actually make sense. You need a word there to denote that the subject is that which the ending of Chapter 1 once was or what the ending of Chapter 1 once was; otherwise, it doesn't make sense grammatically.

[Yankee]

The destruction of that world allowed spirits to enter our world' date=' thus allowed Tragoedia into our world, where he could continue his mission on world domination, or simply go for revenge. Just because OUR memories are gone, doesn't mean the "dead world" has no memories. Their spirits can still remember, at given times.

[/quote']

 

I thought the spirits merged with us, so us not having memories equals the spirits not having memories.

 

Just because WE don't have memories, doesn't mean the spirits don't. We just can't access the spirit's memories whenever we want, obviously.

 

Also, @ above review..."I tune my level 2 and level 3 to bring out a level 7! SCREW THE RULES, I'M IN MY IMAGINATION bastards!"

I hope you're okay Crab. Your characters and yourself all got hurt just READING that...o.0

[Guest]

The destruction of that world allowed spirits to enter our world' date=' thus allowed Tragoedia into our world, where he could continue his mission on world domination, or simply go for revenge. Just because OUR memories are gone, doesn't mean the "dead world" has no memories. Their spirits can still remember, at given times.

[/quote']

 

I thought the spirits merged with us, so us not having memories equals the spirits not having memories.

 

Just because WE don't have memories, doesn't mean the spirits don't. We just can't access the spirit's memories whenever we want, obviously.

 

So the spirits have merged with us so we are now the spirits but the spirits have the memories but we don't have the memories but the memories can still be accessed by us from the spirits because the spirits aren't the same as us and now I'm completely lost. Are you saying that the spirits didn't really merge with us and are just living separately and undetectably in our bodies with no control? In what sense is that "living" at all? And what was the point of all the memoryscrew if they weren't really fusing with us properly?

[Brinolovania]

Congrats, Crab. You have officially managed to completely fry my brain. SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY?! You went so far as to include LASERHANDSMAN as a commentator?! You had everyone else taken away because of injury?! You, sir, have gone insane.

[Guest Ixigo]

Ixigo: From my perspective' date=' I'd rather have ten consistent readers giving me two-line praise after every chapter than one reader who reads only the first chapter of my story, thoroughly deconstructs how terrible it is, and then leaves, never to return. I can run a story with the former, but I can't run a story with the latter. I can see why a review feels more fulfilling, but a single review won't fuel a story, whereas ten dedicated readers will.[/quote']

 

Ah, but obviously a review of a good story won't be like that. First we're running on the assumption that you'll be reviewing a good story on a relatively regular basis, and if the story is good, the criticism won't make the author want to kill himself =/. And of course, you can run a story anyway - you should be able to write a story with no readers at all, just writing for yourself, if you are really into writing. But a review can make you improve. A few words of praise can't. They're certainly helpful in keeping your spirits up, making you want to continue, which is just as important in itself, but as for constructive advice towards improvement, they won't amount to much.

 

Reviews of good stories would certainly be very useful to good authors. The two problems are that it's harder - telling people to spellcheck and to use Showing over Telling is easy' date=' but it takes more skill to criticize someone who has mastered the basics - and that it's less spectacular.[/quote']

 

Well, yeah, that's why I'm not suggesting to replace this with the good story equivalent - after all, proportionally, any of those 'authors' who reads one of your reviews would improve much much more than an already decent author who would read an equally well-written review. Still, it's an idea.

 

By the way' date=' Ixigo, if you think just getting responders who say "great chapter write another" is uninspiring, at least it's better than I get here. Half the people who even post in this topic don't even comment on the Foe Fiction entries and just link to another bad story - which is useful, but hardly uplifting, even though I suppose asking me to write another contains some sort of implicit positive feedback.[/quote']

 

Oh, I wouldn't call it uninspiring, just rather... lackluster compared to a full-fledged review, as a form of feedback. Leaving the attention-whores aside, though, I don't think the responses you get are that bad. Most people enjoy this, even the authors who find themselves on the receiving end of a curbstomping, but I suppose the nature of this work, which is, when it comes down on it, reviewing other people's stories, is probably not too easy to comment on.

 

On that note, anyway, I enjoyed the latest chapter, but I'd like to know if the story is, indeed, a sequel of something (another story, an RPG), or a crossover of Yu-Gi-Oh! with something. Because if there's some sort of established canon the author drew this upon it'd be so horrible I'd have to avoid it at all costs the story would at least make sense as an entity. It'd be terrible, but it'd make sense. As it is it's just a collection of incomprehensible words to me.

[bury the year]

I never got a chance to properly state this, but I do love the constant shout-outs in your reviews/bombardments, especially the Hinamizawa Syndrome. (At least, 'tis what I think it was.) I've read all of the chapters so far, so keep it up! YCM really needs to realize that Sturgeon's Law here isn't 90%, but 99.99%. (I have seen the 00.01% before.)

[Phantom Roxas]

But really' date=' Lust? You didn't notice the similarities between [b']what[/b] the ending of Chapter 1 once was and your prologue?

 

This change makes the sentence makes sense.

 

I changed Chapter 1 of Hopeless Paradise, which is why I said "Chapter 1 once was".

 

I know that's what you were saying. The "what" makes it actually make sense. You need a word there to denote that the subject is that which the ending of Chapter 1 once was or what the ending of Chapter 1 once was; otherwise, it doesn't make sense grammatically.

 

Given that it was you, I thought you were being sarcastic.

 

But anyway, Blackjack. Having read The Great Gatsby, I actually got the Nick Carraway joke.

 

One thing I think you should have pointed out was Haou Devil's apparent inability to come up with a better name for Yubel's daughter, and yet he comes up with the names "Nick Cunningham", "Hydroc", and "Zeo-Nexus" quite easily.

[Guest]

Oh' date=' I wouldn't call it uninspiring, just rather... lackluster compared to a full-fledged review, as a form of feedback. Leaving the attention-whores aside, though, I don't think the responses you get are that bad. Most people enjoy this, even the authors who find themselves on the receiving end of a curbstomping, but I suppose the nature of this work, which is, when it comes down on it, reviewing other people's stories, is probably not too easy to comment on.

[/quote']

 

Indeed, I understand. I was mostly joking. (I don't even understand why people who want to advertise their stories bother posting here. This series gives you readers for one chapter who will hate your story and aren't here to enjoy the story and who will never look at your story again; that's hardly a desirable outcome.)

 

On that note' date=' anyway, I enjoyed the latest chapter, but I'd like to know if the story is, indeed, a sequel of something (another story, an RPG), or a crossover of Yu-Gi-Oh! with something. Because if there's some sort of established canon the author drew this upon [s']it'd be so horrible I'd have to avoid it at all costs[/s] the story would at least make sense as an entity. It'd be terrible, but it'd make sense. As it is it's just a collection of incomprehensible words to me.

 

Based on the author's notes, I think it really is just a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic that doesn't feel like explaining anything.

 

I never got a chance to properly state this' date=' but I do love the constant shout-outs in your reviews/bombardments, especially the Hinamizawa Syndrome. (At least, 'tis what I think it was.) I've read all of the chapters so far, so keep it up! YCM really needs to realize that Sturgeon's Law here isn't 90%, but 99.99%. (I have seen the 00.01% before.)

[/quote']

 

Thanks! Yeah, the throat-clawing was indeed a Higurashi reference; I suppose one could see the entire cast snapping as a possible Higurashi reference as well, but it was really just a running gag that had the additional benefits of letting me give Anten and Izzy more lines, let me use LASERHANDSMAN as a commentator (sort of), and let me end the review without going through the duel (which was also terrible, as the excerpt that snapped LASERHANDSMAN should have demonstrated - and it actually goes downhill from there, if my skimming was accurate - but it wasn't something I was interested in covering).

 

One thing I think you should have pointed out was Haou Devil's apparent inability to come up with a better name for Yubel's daughter' date=' and yet he comes up with the names "Nick Cunningham", "Hydroc", and "Zeo-Nexus" quite easily.

[/quote']

 

Honestly, I was too enraged that someone would actually be unable to come up with a name for all of their characters to care. >_> Nick Cunningham is probably Haou Devil 12's name in real life anyhow.

[Pichu]

Another FoeFic called Ken 10

[Yankee]

The destruction of that world allowed spirits to enter our world' date=' thus allowed Tragoedia into our world, where he could continue his mission on world domination, or simply go for revenge. Just because OUR memories are gone, doesn't mean the "dead world" has no memories. Their spirits can still remember, at given times.

[/quote']

 

I thought the spirits merged with us, so us not having memories equals the spirits not having memories.

 

Just because WE don't have memories, doesn't mean the spirits don't. We just can't access the spirit's memories whenever we want, obviously.

 

So the spirits have merged with us so we are now the spirits but the spirits have the memories but we don't have the memories but the memories can still be accessed by us from the spirits because the spirits aren't the same as us and now I'm completely lost. Are you saying that the spirits didn't really merge with us and are just living separately and undetectably in our bodies with no control? In what sense is that "living" at all? And what was the point of all the memoryscrew if they weren't really fusing with us properly?

 

No...You keep misunderstanding 0_0

I suppose it's partially my fault. I needed to describe more.

They "merged" or just went into the bodies of people that match their traits well enough. I just used the wrong word. I didn't know what else to use, sorry.

The spirits are within the people, but retain their self being, and memories. Think of it as having two minds in one person. If you are aware of the spirit in you, you can potentially talk with your spirit.

I guess the easiest way for me to say it is that we are hosts for the spirits. We have no memory of the spirits "merging" with us, and do not notice any physical differences, as we now believe that we where always like this.

So, really, the spirit and the host are both individuals, but with one body. However, the spirit cannot control the host. They are merely housing. Also, they spirit may attempt to make contact with it's host (Talking). However, the host may not always take notice. It's hard to explain the image in my head. Basically, for one reason or another, the spirits voice is not heard by the host more often than not. Thus, the host truly becomes nothing more than housing for the spirit. Sad, isn't it? They come to us to survive, only to basically be trapped in another body. Every now and then, some people WILL hear the voice. Those people can make contact, and talk to their spirits. I can't really describe what is different about those people, that allows them to talk to their spirits.

I hope I described enough...>_<

[Guest]

The real Catch-22 here is that these stories are unreadable because they're so bad but I can't say they're awful until I've read them.

 

[spoiler=Catch-22 - {Naruto- Mission to the hidden whirlpool Village}]Let's hope Naruto- Mission to the hidden whirlpool Village by Visser is more tolerable.

 

Now that the doctors have released me from the hospital-

 

-and me-

 

-and me-

 

-and I healed myself without doctors' help-

 

-!!!-

 

-we can return to our regularly-scheduled self-inflicted torture. And I'm sure that's what we have in store for us today; this story was originally titled "(cant think of a name)", which I would comment on were it not for the fact that my doctors have instructed me not to rant about the gross lack of creativity needed to be unable to name things.

 

I know nothing about Naruto except that it involves generic shonen fighters who claim to be ninjas and am reviewing this blind, so I clearly have an extensive background knowledge that make me the perfect reviewer. But first, some opening comments:

 

I decided to right a fan fiction.

 

No, I can already tell that there's going to be nothing right about this fan fiction.

 

My friend said it was good but i need more than one opinion.

 

This is what bamboozles me. Visser's response to me requesting permission to do this was "that is the entire point of me posting it. The more opinions i get the bedder." On the one hand, remarks like these make it look like he's taking this fairly seriously and honestly wants to make a good-quality fanfic, but on the other hand, things like not even thinking of a title and the poor spelling and grammar that we've already witnessed make it seem like he's not even trying. I'm stumped, guys. My best guess is that he wants to have written a good fanfic but is too lazy to go through the work needed to actually make it good.

 

Of course, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and the story itself is astonishingly well-written even though the title isn't capitalized properly and arrived late and the author's notes wouldn't be accepted by a first-grade teacher.

 

But I doubt it.

 

Chapter 1-Intro. Leaf and Whirlpool

 

I should note that this is another of those stories that's a giant wall of text. I can't understand how people can look at this sort of thing and say, "Yup, this is good; this is readable; this is the quality final product I want to share with the world".

 

Knock, Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

A sound effect written out as if this were a script for an audiovisual television episode rather than a verbal story.

 

Interrupting Cow who?

 

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

 

The Hokage looked up from her paperwork. “Enter!” She said.

 

I swear, if the incorrectly-capitalized word after one of these quotes is ever "Said", I am going to kill off a side character.

 

!!!

 

Um, nevermind. I was joking. You can stop pointing your hand at me.

 

Immediately Naruto, Hinata, Sakura and Shikamaru entered the office. “Good, you’re all here.” The Hokage said as she stood up. “I have a mission for you four. An A-level mission in the whirlpool country.”

“Whirlpool Village?” Naruto repeated. “Never heard of it.”

 

No! No! Nobody said anything about "Whirlpool Village" except for the story's belated title! The Hokage didn't say that; she said "Whirlpool Country"! Naruto isn't repeating the Hokage's words! He's reading the author's mind! How can you not notice this discrepancy when the contradicting sections are literally two words apart?! This isn't the sort of continuity error you should be able to easily make! It's a really obvious problem that anyone will see if they actually read it! Did you proofread this at all?! What about your friend, who said this was good?! What looks bad to your friend?! How low are your friend's standards?! Or was your friend just saying that to make you feel happy even though your friend really knew this was awful?! That's the-

 

Calm down. Remember happy memories of love, and everything will be all right. Otherwise, you'll get high blood pressure and die.

 

“Actually, Hokage-sama.” Sakura commented. “I think I’ve head the name before,

 

Which name? The village or the country? At this rate, she's probably really referring to Whirlpool Island.

 

but even I don’t know anything about it.”

“And for good reason. It was destroyed about 15 years ago.”

 

SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't.

 

“Wait, why would you send us to a village that was destroyed……”

 

The Hokage never mentioned a village, you lunatic! Naruto's gone mad, I tell you! Mad!

 

Naruto started, but was cut off by Shikamaru.

“Let me guess, it wasn’t really destroyed. Am I right?”

 

Whee, I can call extremely obvious excuses for plot twists.

 

“You got it. They hated the Ninja war & closed themselves off from the others. The only village that knew the truth was the leaf village.”

 

I wonder how exactly a village can close itself off from the rest of the world. I must confess I am not familiar with the world's background, but I am having trouble imagining how anything described as a "village" rather than a "fortress" could close itself off. And how could they convince the rest of the world that they were destroyed? Word of mouth wouldn't fool people; they would need some sort of powerful illusion, though I don't know this setting's rules of magic well enough to determine whether that would be feasible. I also question why Leaf Village was permitted to know the truth. Does it specialize in powerful illusion magic that was needed to simulate Whirlpool Village's destruction? Or did Visser arbitrarily decide to provide it with that information for no in-universe reason for the purpose of progressing the plot?

 

The Hokage took out a map & placed it on the desk.

 

The word "map" contains a link to an image, but as of this writing, that link is broken.

 

Maybe the entire internet itself just saw the map and said, "No, the map that this story belongs with is unacceptably awful, and despite continuing to host 4chan I do have some standards," and then proceeded to delete it.

 

“Even though it wasn’t really destroyed, it has been removed from all of the maps & history books, making impossible to figure out where it is located.”

 

Removing all evidence of it from all writings in the world? No conspiracy, however large, could accomplish that, and if the village was doing all of this because they were tired of war and espionage, then a deception of this scale is impossible! That would require my level of magic to even come close to accomplishing!

 

“B-but if we don’t know where it is then how will we get there?” Hinata said quietly behind the other three.”

 

I've got my eye on you, "said". Don't even think about moving closer to that quotation mark.

 

Speaking of quotation marks, that stray one at the end doesn't belong there, and this isn't the only instance of such a stray quotation mark floating incorrectly in the middle of nowhere in this story. The level of proofreading is unacceptable.

 

Tsunade pointed to a spot on the map. “You will meet up with a four man ninja team in the port city of the Tea country. They will take you to the Waterfall village.”

“A four man ninja team?

 

I do happen to know that the Narutoverse is composed of teams of alleged-ninjas that invariably contain exactly three members, which explains why whichever unspecified character is saying this is surprised to hear that a team of four exists, but as a non-fan (which admittedly does make me outside the target audience), this line being said with surprise is hilarious.

 

Even with the four-is-death numerology, I'd have thought that more friends fighting together would be better.

 

All hail the power of friendship!

 

Well how will we know who they are?”

 

Um, maybe you'll recognize them by the fact that THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM, LIKE YOU JUST SAID IN THE VERY LAST SENTENCE WITH SURPRISE BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE TRAVELS IN GROUPS OF FOUR?

 

“Here.” Tsunade handed a picture to Sakura. “These are the four ninja that you will be looking for.

 

"You'll be able to see them because they're not terribly stealthy ninjas."

 

Alright, alright, I'll stop my anti-fanboy (foeboy?) complaining about how the ninjas in the Narutoverse aren't actually ninjas.

 

Now, are there any more questions?

 

Here's a question they should all be asking: "What's the mission?" They've been told there's a mission. They've been told it's for the four of them. They've been told it's A-level, whatever that means. They've been told it's in whirlpool country, and have received instructions for how to get to Whirlpool Village. What they haven't been told is what they're supposed to actually do on this mission, which seems to me to be a rather important detail to overlook.

 

They wont give us any info about them”

 

As an English professor, I must give credit here - a skim reveals that there aren't any misspellings in this story that MSWord's spellchecker would be able to pick up, with one exception near the end whose spelling Visser butchered so horribly that MSWord probably didn't have a clue what correct word to suggest. Spellchecking alone is indeed something mandatory that most Foe Fic authors fail to accomplish. However, spellchecking doesn't fix everything, and one of the many things it will miss is the result of attempting to type "won't" but dropping the apostrophe, as "wont" is itself a real and unrelated word.

 

“Well not that I care or anything.” Shikamaru said “But I’m curious as to why it was the four of us chosen to be on a team together. Even though we know each other, we don’t work together very often.”

 

Comment relating to how he should be asking about the purpose of the mission.

 

Comment relating to a team being composed of friends.

 

Comment relating to the power of friendship.

 

High-five!

 

“Actually, I’m curious about that myself.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t you the one that chose the team?”

 

Wow, the boss giving them instructions doesn't know the whole story and is receiving instructions from some other source that isn't terribly forthcoming! This would be an exciting twist if it weren't an absurdly overused cliché.

 

“Not this time. I was surprised when I got the mission request. The letter asked for the four of you by name.” Tsunade handed Shikamaru the letter.

Shikamaru opened the letter & read it. “It’s true.

 

"Tsunade didn't just tell us a pointless lie and then hand us proof that she was lying! I know it sounds crazy that this letter she just handed me to confirm what she said might actually confirm what she said, but trust me, I think it's true!"

 

It said ‘Please send the four ninja Naruto Uzumaki, Hinata Hyuuga, Sakura Haruno & Shikamaru Nara. Our sources say that these four will be able to work well with the selected waterfall ninja.’” Shikamaru passed the letter around & they all read it.

 

After Shikamaru read the letter aloud to them, he passed it around for them all to read individually. The conversation must have gone something along these lines:

 

Naruto: "I think they're both lying! Let me read it!"

Shikamaru: "Okay." *passes letter*

Naruto: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing! Believe it!"

Sakura: "I don't believe it! I think all three of them are lying! Let me read it!"

Naruto: "Okay." *passes letter*

Sakura: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing!"

Hinata: "I think they're all lying! Let me read it!"

Sakura: "Okay." *passes letter*

Hinata: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing!"

Izzy: "Maybe you guys should trust your friends more?"

 

Also, I'm sure it seems perfectly reasonable to Naruto fans, but the phrase "waterfall ninja" also sounds silly to me.

 

“I don’t get it. You said that they have been cut off from the rest of the ninja world. I would understand them knowing about Naruto after everything he did, but how did they find out about the rest of us?”

 

My friends too often note that nobody has ever heard of them because I'm the star who does everything.

 

“I don’t know.” Tsunade sighed.

 

The pacifist village that doesn't want to be involved in ninja wars obviously has the best intelligence unit.

 

Because that makes complete sense.

 

“But the four of you will leave in two days. I will be notifying the Tea country that you will be passing through. Go and get ready.”

 

How are they supposed to get ready? You haven't given them any useful information; they can't have any idea what sort of preparations are necessary for this mission because no mission details were provided.

 

“Right.” The four ninja said in unison before leaving the office.

~~~~5 days later. Waterfall Village Gates~~~~

“Are you sure we can trust these leaf ninja.” A Boy said.

 

No question mark. "A" capitalized. "Boy" capitalized. Grammatical performance fails to meet expectations. See me after class.

 

He stood at 6’ 4”

 

Better that than 5'12'.

 

and had black hair And a ninja uniform.

 

I hope this section doesn't continue to have random words capitalized.

 

His headband had a spiral in the center.

 

And that's the entire character description: Height, hair colour, spiral thingy.

 

The waterfall hasn’t communicated with any of the other countries in over 15 years.”

“Dark, do you doubt my Honoku? Remember it is never been wrong.”

 

The dark-haired kid's name is Dark? What's his friend's name, Ninja Uniform?

 

I have to ask you a question, Visser: is English your first language? If it is not, then I really must inform you that the quality of your writing - "Remember it is never been wrong"? - does not meet accepted standards of readability and strenuously urge you to get yourself a proofreader-editor whose first language is English to clean up your work before posting it. If it is your first language, then stop being lazy and start writing in a way that wouldn't embarrass elementary-schoolers.

 

Another of the boys said. This one was slightly shorter with dark brown hair. He had the same headband as his comrade. His eyes had 3 rings surrounding each pupil

 

My eyes are mystical and unusual too! The difference is that mine take several paragraphs to describe, but yours don't even have their colours mentioned.

 

“You sure are full of yourself, aren’t you Arashi.” Dark said in a snobbish tone. “Personally I don’t think your Honoku is all that great.”

“Was that a challenge?” The brown haired ninja said with a balled fist. “I’ll beat your ass any day.”

“When, the 29th of February?” Dark said in a mocking tone.

 

This dialogue is- it's- I can't even- quick, someone, Izzy, take over for me, I really can't do this.

 

The 29th-of-February comment seems odd. It looks like the intent is to name a date that doesn't actually exist, implying that Arashi could never beat Dark, but instead he's naming a date that actually does exist, albeit more rarely than most, and so Dark seems to be acknowledging that Arashi could indeed beat him. As an expert in insulting people I don't have any particular affection for, I am severely underwhelmed by Dark's attempt at mocking here.

 

...okay, I think I've calmed down now.

 

“Why you little….” Arashi started to retaliate, however he was cut off by an older woman with long red hair.

“Stop it, both of you!” The woman yelled as she pinched both of them in the head & knocked then to the ground. “Do I have to teach you guys another lesson?” She said raising a three pronged Kunai.

 

Actually, I suppose this sort of dialogue is actually par for the course by the standards of shonen action series, even if the actual writing (like everything related to that "however") is shoddy. I suspect that I was rather overreacting.

 

“No Kusina-Sensei!” The two boys said together in fear.

 

Those of you who have seen me rant about this sort of thing a dozen times before can skip ahead over this bit.

 

When you're writing, in general, you want to allow the reader to draw sensible conclusions from the events you show and to resort to explicitly stating things as little as possible. Having shown things, you should then not redundantly state them.

 

For example, in this scene, Kusina has just threatened to hit the two boys with a three-pronged Kunai if they kept fighting, and the two boys have responded by calling off their fight and begging her not to hit them. Assuming that you're not writing for an audience of brain-dead morons (which may not be a reasonable assumption given that this is a Naruto fanfic), your readers can probably surmise from this that the two boys were probably scared of her.

 

Good writers will leave it at that. Bad writers will unnecessarily state that the boys were "in fear".

 

They both put there arms around each other in a friendly manner.

 

It's okay, you can call it a hug. Friends are allowed to do that, you know.

 

“We were just joking.”

“Yeah, see. We’re not fighting.”

“Good.” Kusina said as she put away the kunai. She knew that they were lying, but she knew it was torture to have to be nice to each other.

 

But apparently not torture as painful as being hit with a three-pronged Kunai.

 

“Lets go, we can’t be late getting to the rondevo point.”

 

This is the word I referred to earlier. The correct spelling is "rendezvous" - it's French.

 

If you don't know how to spell something and your efforts to determine how to spell it through resources like MSWord and the internet are failing, ask an actual person how to spell it, but if that fails, don't just leave the misspelled word in your story; instead, replace it with a synonym that you can actually spell correctly.

 

“Hold on, where’s Saiyuki?” Dark said when he looked around & noticed that there fourth member had not arrived yet.

 

Wait, Kusina counts as a member? I assumed she was their boss/teacher/person.

 

“She woke up late. She should be here in just a few seconds.” No sooner had Arashi said this

 

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

 

had a white haired kunoichi ran up to them.

 

Leaving aside the fact that the word "had" here is blatantly wrong, here's another fun instance of Description Equals Hair Colour.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I woke up late.” The girl said panting for breath. When she stood up her eyes were black with a pupil that looked like a single white line, however they quickly turned in to a pair of normal, sky blue, eyes.

 

I sense a rival in the contest for having the mostest specialest eyes in the world.

 

“Saiyuki, you shouldn’t be using your Naisoku so much. It wears you out.” Arashi said, his eyes turning to normal, dark brown, eyes.

 

Whee, another Japanese word I have no intention of learning.

 

Saiyuki looked directly at Arashi & her face turned slightly red. “Sorry, I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”

“Your health is more important. We could have waited a few extra minutes.”

“Right, sorry.”

“Well now that that’s out of the way, let’s go.” The red head said.

 

I had to scroll back up to figure out who was speaking here, since despite hair colours being the main form of description in this story I still couldn't remember whose hair was red, since I honestly coudn't be bothered to memorize these pathetic excuses for character descriptions tossed around emptily. (I had thought it was Arashi. It was Kusina.)

 

“I’m kind of exited.”

“What are you so exited about?” Dark asked.

 

I wish that I had kind of exited this story by now.

 

“Don’t you remember?” Saya said, cutting off Kusina from answering the question.

 

I always interrupt the person with the three-pronged Kunai, especially when that person is the one actually being addressed.

 

Incidentally, I'm guessing Saya is a nickname for Saiyuki, but having the narrator use it before any of the characters do is weird.

 

“She used to live in the leaf village, she probably wants to find out what has happened sense she left.”

 

Personally, I think that nothing that has happened makes any sense since she left.

 

“Oh…… I knew that.”

 

An ellipsis consists of three dots; add more and it just looks stupid. (Captain R's final scene is an exception. Shut up.)

 

After a quick laugh the four ninja began walking to the meeting place with the leaf ninja.

 

And thus we're finally done with this thing.

 

Regarding the writing... well, The Professor Young Boy said it all. If English isn't your first language, find someone whose first language is English to help you, and if it is your first language, the quality of your spelling and grammar is inexcusable.

 

As for the story - there isn't one. No, really, the plot here is so thin and generic that I am forced to question its very existence. The entire first scene could be replaced by four words - MISSON IN SECRET VILLAGE - and the entire second scene just introduced us to some poorly-described OCs with entirely generic personalities. I know it's just the first chapter, but that's still mighty little actually happening, and nothing innovative was introduced - which, given the original title, wasn't too surprising.

 

The story has a lot of negative attributes and nothing especially positive to recommend it - notwithstanding the use of MSWord's spellchecker, which should be a basic requirement rather than something notable. The story could be salvaged by improvement in future chapters, but it will indeed require improvement - the current level of quality is just too low.

 

 

 

At least it wasn't as bad as Blackjack.

 

Another FoeFic called Ken 10

 

You seem to underestimate the personal disgust I have for everything about you. Get out of my topic.

 

No...You keep misunderstanding 0_0

I suppose it's partially my fault. I needed to describe more.

They "merged" or just went into the bodies of people that match their traits well enough. I just used the wrong word. I didn't know what else to use' date=' sorry.

The spirits are within the people, but retain their self being, and memories. Think of it as having two minds in one person. If you are aware of the spirit in you, you can potentially talk with your spirit.

I guess the easiest way for me to say it is that we are hosts for the spirits. We have no memory of the spirits "merging" with us, and do not notice any physical differences, as we now believe that we where always like this.

So, really, the spirit and the host are both individuals, but with one body. However, the spirit cannot control the host. They are merely housing. Also, they spirit may attempt to make contact with it's host (Talking). However, the host may not always take notice. It's hard to explain the image in my head. Basically, for one reason or another, the spirits voice is not heard by the host more often than not. Thus, the host truly becomes nothing more than housing for the spirit. Sad, isn't it? They come to us to survive, only to basically be trapped in another body. Every now and then, some people WILL hear the voice. Those people can make contact, and talk to their spirits. I can't really describe what is different about those people, that allows them to talk to their spirits.

I hope I described enough...>_<

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So they're basically like Millennium Item spirits but with weaker communication and less ability to take possession? That's so straightforward that this really should have been much simpler, though the lack of actual soul fusion makes the whole thing with the world-altering and memory-altering seem rather unnecessary.