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Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
in Creative Writing

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

Posted
Posted

Actually, the altering is needed. Physical features did change; it would scare the crap out of people if they where to notice. This way, the "merging" is less chaotic. If people noticed the changes, the whole idea that people can't talk to their spirits doesn't work. It's hard to explain...As with all this, I still intend to have the host die if their monster spirit is taken away/dies...I know you're not one for actually helping, but can you

help me with this a little? I really don't know how to describe what my thought is exactly...sry

Basically, monsters died, searched and found hosts to

remain alive, retained their memories, while the host lost their memories of the fusions. Even though hey are not exactly a totally fused, or merged soul, the host and soul

will die if either of the two are killed. [/rules]

meh...Hard to describe correctly =/

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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Posted

As a Naruto fan, Catch-22 was very disappoint. The phrase "waterfall ninja" is indeed silly, but only due to a lack of proper capitalization, as "Waterfall ninja" would be better, meaning "Alleged-Ninja from Waterfall Country Village". Naruto's status as an Idiot Hero can be attributed to why he thought Tsunade ever said "village". Four-man cells actually do make sense, since there's the thing about "three ninja plus squad leader equals team", something established extremely early on, and yet Idiot Hero Naruto is surprised at this in spite of the fact that he's been a part of several teams not made of four members.

 

Visser is even less creative when it comes to the character of Kusina, who is either the author's very poor attempt at stuffing in Kushina (Because dropping one letter is always such a big change) or Visser just did a poor choice in trying to come up with an "inspired" character.

 

I ship Izzy/Anten now.

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Guest

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Actually' date=' the altering is needed. Physical features did change; it would scare the crap out of people if they where to notice.

[/quote']

 

This seems to be a recursive issue here. Memory-altering was needed to accommodate the physical alterations, but why were any alterations needed at all, especially if the dead world spirits don't fully fuse and never have control?

 

I know you're not one for actually helping

 

:(

 

I think the biggest reason the description is confusing is that the rules are essentially arbitrary - they semi-merge with us and alter our physical appearance and memories and can sometimes sort of talk to us but they can't take control or always talk to us and they have separate memories and such but we still die if they're somehow removed? That laundry list could only have arisen based on what was convenient for the plot. It seems like "They're like Yami spirits BUT" is the most straightforward description.

 

Naruto's status as an Idiot Hero can be attributed to why he thought Tsunade ever said "village".

 

That would make sense were it not for the fact that everyone else refers to it as "village" thereafter. Also, something I missed during my review is that the other part of the name is also inconsistent - it flips at one point between Whirlpool and Waterfall.

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CarlinFan Newbie

CarlinFan

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The use of the verb 'repeated' means that it should have been 'country'. My guess is that the author was just lazy about proofreading, which would make sense. After all, they did mix up the name of the Waterpool Villtry multiple times throughout the story.

 

In my opinion as a Naruto fan, Catch-22 is just flat out not worth reading. It's riddled with plot inconsistencies, is agonizingly predictable, and makes virtually no sense in the context of the canon plot. The character of 'Kusina' is appalling no matter what because either A) the author repeatedly misspelled the name of a canon character or B) she's the worst OC ever. And if Konoha had known the truth about Whirlfall Villtry, then why would Tsunade and Jiraiya have referred to it as destroyed in a private conversation?

 

As a writer, however, Catch-22 is worth reading simply for teh lulz. Atrocious punctuation, unoriginal OCs, and enough uses of 'said' to make one seriously consider Hara-Kiri. It's the little things like Visser's story that brighten up my days by bringing me laughter at another's expense.

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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I ship Izzy/Anten now.

 

I've been shipping Izzy/Anten since Blackjack. Highfiveshipping didn't have a name until now, though.

 

While I don't personally know much about Naruto, I enjoyed Catch-22. It was a bit of a disappoint compared to Blackjack or Zero (which just happened to feature Captain R and LASERHANDSMAN), but it was still good and humorous.

 

I've noticed your Zero Punctuation references as well. If you ever refer to yourself as a charismatic stallion, I called it.

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

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Actually' date=' the altering is needed. Physical features did change; it would scare the crap out of people if they where to notice.

[/quote']

 

This seems to be a recursive issue here. Memory-altering was needed to accommodate the physical alterations, but why were any alterations needed at all, especially if the dead world spirits don't fully fuse and never have control?

 

I know you're not one for actually helping

 

:(

 

I think the biggest reason the description is confusing is that the rules are essentially arbitrary - they semi-merge with us and alter our physical appearance and memories and can sometimes sort of talk to us but they can't take control or always talk to us and they have separate memories and such but we still die if they're somehow removed? That laundry list could only have arisen based on what was convenient for the plot. It seems like "They're like Yami spirits BUT" is the most straightforward description.

 

Nah, I tried to make the prologue and plot work with the idea I had in my head. I can't really explain WHY things are like that..The Yami spirit thing, except a few differences...It just..is.

Stranger still, is that the human/host sometimes has access to some of the powers of the spirit inside. So, if somebody would be able to use Tragoedia's power, they would be able to do things, such as, but not limited too, starting Shadow Duels. It can go so far as to killing. Or so little as being able to control other people's physical actions...of course, can only control a few minor actions. Such as preventing a person from running away, but not able to make the person actually walk towards you, or kill themselves, ya know?

Idk, it's hard for me to say things right about this...It literally was just an image in my head, and I tried to put it on paper.

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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Lust, I'll try to formulate your ideas into a comprehensible summary, just to waste some time. Keep in mind that all those conclusions stem from my read of Crab's review, and the following exchange between you two.

 

• A dimension collapsed. The spirits of the deceased from that dimension, namely the spirits of Duel Monsters (presumably), due to the way their world shattered (also presumably, since we aren't given a reason), were able to escape to our own dimension.

 

• Upon their entry on our dimension, the escaping spirits sought out new hosts, lest they would die out as no more than spectres. They merged with humans with similar traits as them (disposition, alignment, personality, ambitions...), entering into a parasitic relationship with their hosts.

 

• As the spirits integrated themselves into their newfound bodies, those bodies changed, adopting some of the parasite's characteristics, physically or even mentally. However, due to the nature of the merging, the humans mostly accepted these changes as natural, and failed to notice anything out of the ordinary (exceptions?).

 

• Otherworldly spirits and human hosts became co-dependent - if one were to die, so did the other.

 

• The spirits had little to no influence over their host's actions. However, they could normally affect their thoughts and emotions to a certain extent. This took various forms (inner voices, sudden impulses etc). When the host was in emotional distress, physical agony or other similar critical conditions the spirit could take advantage of their weakened hold on their mentality, and influence them directly.

 

• Some of the spirit's original abilities manifested themselves onto the host, but they, of course, had neither the knowledge nor the capacity to use them properly, unless the spirit was in control.

 

This should work as a general guideline, I believe this is more or less what you had in mind.

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

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Lust' date=' I'll try to formulate your ideas into a comprehensible summary, just to waste some time. Keep in mind that all those conclusions stem from my read of Crab's review, and the following exchange between you two.

 

• A dimension collapsed. The spirits of the deceased from that dimension, namely the spirits of Duel Monsters (presumably), due to the way their world shattered (also presumably, since we aren't given a reason), were able to escape to our own dimension.

 

• Upon their entry on our dimension, the escaping spirits sought out new hosts, lest they would die out as no more than spectres. They merged with humans with similar traits as them (disposition, alignment, personality, ambitions...), entering into a parasitic relationship with their hosts.

 

• As the spirits integrated themselves into their newfound bodies, those bodies changed, adopting some of the parasite's characteristics, physically or even mentally. However, due to the nature of the merging, the humans mostly accepted these changes as natural, and failed to notice anything out of the ordinary (exceptions?).

 

• Otherworldly spirits and human hosts became co-dependent - if one were to die, so did the other.

 

• The spirits had little to no influence over their host's actions. However, they could normally affect their thoughts and emotions to a certain extent. This took various forms (inner voices, sudden impulses etc). When the host was in emotional distress, physical agony or other similar critical conditions the spirit could take advantage of their weakened hold on their mentality, and influence them directly.

 

• Some of the spirit's original abilities manifested themselves onto the host, but they, of course, had neither the knowledge nor the capacity to use them properly, unless the spirit was in control.

 

This should work as a general guideline, I believe this is more or less what you had in mind.

[/quote']

 

Yay, thats just about it ^_\\\

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Guest

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It's really not fair to you guys for me to not go the Lemony Snicket route of telling you to stop reading once per review.

 

[spoiler=The 23 Enigma - {Ven 10}]Today, we'll comment on Ven 10 by EmonodaNewb.

 

Actually, we don't seem to have received permission to review this story, so we can't really-

 

Of course we can! This is my story!

 

It's what?

 

Check out Chapter Plot. It mentions me. This is a fan sequel to my story. We don't need permission to review this!

 

So it does. And it also mentions some other guy from some other story written by that sexist plagiarist git.

 

Oh, forget about that. This takes place in the world that I saved! We're totally doing this!

 

Very well. Let's begin.

 

Chapter 1 Arrival

"Ven, you've got mail," screamed a woman

 

I'm imagining some woman screaming this line in the same way that starship captains scream "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!", and let me tell you it sounds utterly ridiculous.

 

from down the long winding stairs that would make someone not used to the pattern sick.

 

Description is nice, but it really feels like the author lost his train of thought halfway through this sentence. Speaking of lost trains of thought, this is a perfect time for me to abruptly change topics and point out that this story has rare paragraph breaks, no blank lines between paragraphs, and center-alignment, combined to produce minimum readability.

 

"What is it, mom?" Ven asked curiously as he jetted down the swirling stairs.

 

"Jetted?" The word choice here is... unusual, to say the least.

 

Who is this "Ven" kid anyhow? The actual story never specifies it, but Chapter Plot gives his name as "Vendaljous". What kind of name is "Vendaljous" anyhow? Our glorious family has sensible names like Benjamin, and Ann, and possibly Kenneth, not this "Vendaljous" nonsense. I refuse to acknowledge this twerp as my successor! Ann 10 forever!

 

"I have no clue," the boy's mother replied, "Why don't you open it and find out."

 

Why does she speak so flatly.

 

Do you think she just doesn't care about Vendaljous.

 

Why should she care anyhow. You know I certainly don't, don't you.

 

Did you really think I might not.

 

Shouldn't I be the one making fun of grammatical errors.

 

When those words left her Ven ripped and teared at the box hoping it was a gift from his dad.

 

Ven is clearly a mature-and-totally-not-self-centered-and-greed person who is highly worthy of being our protagonist.

 

"Ven you'll break what ever is in side if you open it like that," Ven's mother stated smirking. Ven payed no attention to her and continued tearing with the remains flying all over the cozy sweet living room.

 

I actually dislike these characters even more than I dislike most people.

 

You know, we could kill them all and make me the star and nobody would mind.

 

All Ven found was a small metallic ball, the size of baseball give or take few inches.

 

"Give or take few inches"? Reduce the diameter of a baseball by a few inches and you're left with nothing; increase the diameter of a baseball by a few inches and you have something drastically larger, like a basketball or something.

 

Ven put his hand through his ruffled orange hair,

 

Character description: HE HAS ORANGE HAIR K. You know, when Anten is a more developed character than your protagonist, something is very wrong.

 

And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

 

Are you insinuating that I'm a flat and uninteresting character?

 

No, no, I said nothing!

 

and starred at the ball intently with his piercing green eyes

 

ALSO GREEN EYES BTW

 

10/10 GRADE A DESCRIPTION FOLKS

 

thinking he would be able to cut through the metal with his eyes. Ven soon began to grow bored with the ball

 

What are his eyes supposed to pierce here, anyhow? He's staring starring at a ball. A piercing glare that nobody sees and that is aimed at an inanimate object and that gleans no useful information is not "piercing" by any means. And why would he think his eyes could cut through the ball? Is he insane? What makes him qualified to succeed me?

 

I am totally disowning this kid. I HAVE NO SON GRANDSON UNSPECIFIED DESCENDANT!

 

and just slid his left hand on to the top and the ball opened as if it was listening to Ven's mental commands. While the ball was still opening a blue object flew at an incredible speed and latched onto Ven's left wrist and surge of energy shocked Ven awake.

 

Apparently, the ball didn't open while he was staring starring at it trying to slice it open with the power of his mind because he wasn't giving it a mental command to open, but it opened when he got bored and fell asleep because that somehow qualified as a mental comment to open. If this makes sense to you, you might actually be stupider than Ven.

 

"What a weird dream," Ven said as he got out of bed. He looked at his left wrist and glowing it blue ominous aura was the watch that couldn't come off. "Guess not," he added sheepishly. Ven looked at his alarm clock and there it was starring him down was some pretty horrific news, he was about to be late to school.

 

This kid wakes up to find a weird glowing blue thing on his arm that can't be removed, and the thing that catches his attention is that he's late for school? I can understand his selfishness earlier, since I don't care about most other people either, but this is just stupid. He doesn't even take the least bit of interest in his own status! How dumb can he be?

 

He couldn't be late today, it was the day of exams. If he was late to the exams he would be put some loser team.

 

Forget your exams! Forget this "team" thing, whatever it's supposed to be. You have a weird glowing blue thing stuck on your arm! That should be the only thing on your mind now! You are unqualified to be earth's chosen hero!

 

Down with Ven! Anten for protagonist!

 

He hurried on his clothes brushed his teeth

 

He's in a huge rush, but he takes the time to brush his teeth? Let's recap this kid's priorities for a moment here:

 

Top Priority: Brush teeth today. Missing even one day is unthinkable!

Middle Priority: Exams.

Bottom Priority: Figure out what that bizarre impossible-to-remove glowing blue thing on my arm is.

 

and he was flying out the door. Before he knew it he was halfway but only had 3 minutes left. "What if this thing is like what Grandma Ann had on her wrist?" he wondered aloud.

 

What!? There is no way that this brat is my grandson!

 

Actually, that's quite literally true. Here's a quote from Chapter Plot:

 

...most notably Ann Tennyson. She sealed "Armageddon", as the beast soon came to be called, for far longer than any of her ancestors, and thus many generations of Tennyson's have lacked the skill to wield the power of the Omnitrix for centuries . Armageddon is stirring and his power grows by each passing day. It will be up to 10 Year Old Vendaljous "Ven" Tennyson...

 

Apparently, "many generations" and "centuries" passed between the two of you, which makes it rather difficult for you to be his grandmother. (Which also raises another whole problem of this being supposedly set centuries in the future while being identical to the present in every way.) Plus, while it's not impossible for your children to have the Tennyson name, it's also less likely, and not the sort of thing that I would normally expect to see in a fanfic for a kid's cartoon.

 

That just proves it. This stuff about me being his grandmother, or any other ancestor, is a total lie. This kid is just a crazy boy who dreams of being connected to someone as awesome as me.

 

"Don't have much of a choice." He clicked the watch and slammed down. Transformation began, and Ven was growing taller, and leaner until he was practically as tall as a Basketball player, his skin became rubbery his eyes grew further apart and his tongue grew at least four extra inches longer and he became.

[spoiler=[color=#006400]LEAPFROG[/color]]Leapfrog_by_kjmarch.png

 

Well, at least it's not MSPaint this time.

 

Hold on a moment! Ven was fascinated by the sort-of-maybe-baseball-thing, then paid no attention to the blue glowing thing that he couldn't get off his wrist, but now he suddenly decides to try and see if he can use it to magically transform... but only on the grounds that it might help him get to school faster!? No! This is all wrong! All of this is wrong! Nobody decides to suddenly try transforming their entire body purely for the purpose of going to school! What qualifies this lunatic to take Anten's place!?

 

In one jump Ven, or Leapfrog, cleared the highest building and was hurtling towards the ground. "HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING" Ven screamed.

 

That's exactly why this was an idiotic idea.

 

The green text in the story is not my fault. I'm just here to criticize the spelling and grammar. Or, to be more precise, I was until I found that every single sentence was horribly-written and just plain gave up on this terrible story.

 

Leapfrog's muscles seemed to know how to work as when he hit the ground he coiled and stopped waiting for Ven to command it to jump. Wow this is easier than I thought Ven said in his head. Now lets see how high this bad-boy can go.

 

No. Nobody talks like that. Nobody thinks like that. Nobody literate types like that.

 

Ven jumped over building after building and he could hear the faint ring of the school bell. Just then Ven crashed onto the sidewalk of the school building. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP.

 

Seriously, stop with the written sound effects.

 

Wait, why are you saying so much now, The Professor Young Boy?

 

I was too horrified to speak earlier.

 

A flash of red light and Ven was Ven again. "Sweet," he said to himself thinking of the awesome ride he had just experienced . Ven ran inside and soon found his class, Sweet she's not here yet, he thought.

 

No, seriously, I can't get over how pathetic this guy is. His reaction to transforming into a giant frog and leaping tall buildings in a single bound? "Sweet." His reaction to not being marked late? "Sweet." He ranks these two occurrences as being equally pleasing and interesting. I really can't accept this guy. He's unspeakably unworthy in every way.

 

Ven sat next to his best friend, A.J. Levin, A.J was super strong and super fast, that was probably the only reason Ven wasn't picked on in his days of school.

 

This seems to imply that Vendaljous is no longer in school, which seems to contradict minor subplots like Ven's quest to get to school on time. And by "minor subplots", I mean "the entire plot of this whole story thus far."

 

At least this confirms that we're not alone in wanting to beat this kid up.

 

This A.J. A.J person won't stop us.

 

"Dude I got the best gift in the mail last night," he showed A.J the watch and told him how it changed Ven to something he thought was an alien.

"Dude that's awesome," A.J's eye's grew until I thought they would pop out of his head, "Now we'll definitely be on the same team."

 

I still have no idea what this "team" nonsense is about, but more to the point, A.J. must be the most gullible person int he world if he's just going to accept this as true. Sure, it happens to be true, but why on earth would anyone believe it?

 

This just caps off a story filled with nothing but, as Izzy and Anten have amply noted, characters saying and doing things that make no bloody sense at all. Combine this with major continuity errors (like the grandma-versus-centuries/generations thing and the fact that this is set generations forward in the future from a fanfic sent generations forward in the future from a show set in the present day but is still identical to the present day in every way), writing that is frequently technically wrong and always stylistically awful (The Professor Young Boy could have been the only reviewer and the review would still have been longer than it turned out to be, but that would be repetitive and less interesting), a laughable excuse for a plot, awful characters, and pretty much everything else you cold possible do wrong in a fanfic, and you have something spectacularly terrible.

 

"SHUT UP," a lady about 5 feet tall walked in to the classroom. "Exam's are set to begin," she said looking at Ven smiling a sinister smile.

TO BE CONTINUED......:d

 

That's it; I can't take it anymore! You think you can try to continue my story, do you? I'll teach you a lesson. It's my turn! I'm continuing this story!

 

And I'll help! Let's do this!

 

Suddenly, the lady, who was actually twelve inches taller than Vandal-Jews had initially thought because he was distracted by pondering what a worthless person he was, came over to Ven and told him to hand her the glowing blue watch.

 

The Omnitrix, having figured out by now how useless Van was, practically leaped off Ven's arm to go to the lady.

 

Then the lady revealed herself to be Ann 10, true Defender of Earth, Guardian of Love and Justice, and immortal hero who remained in this world that did not deserve her presence for centuries because she, in her genius, had predicted that the Omnitrix would in the future fall into the hands of some impostor kid who pretended to be her descendant and who could never handle the power and responsibility. She reclaimed her rightful title and abilities from the shameful kid.

 

Using her limitless skill, she fought her way into the big villain's lair and used her infinite goodness to convert him back to the side of truth, love, and justice.

 

Her goodness quickly spread through the world and ushered in a new area of peace and harmony. The only person not affected was Ven, who was too fundamentally stupid, insane, and horrible to comprehend Ann 10's goodness.

 

Of course, Ann 10 was too perfectly good to act violently toward this monster.

 

Of course.

 

So she had her friend Izzy kill him instead.

 

Painfully.

 

THE END

 

 

 

I've reformatted the index in the opening post of this topic to get rid of the completely unnecessary wall of spoiler tags.

 

As for the new version of The duel: I'm not doing a new commentary for it, but I do find the fact that he uses "Professor Young Boy" as an in-story taunt approximately four times in the story, even after the character tells him to stop doing it. He doesn't seem to get that it's only funny when other people do it to make fun of his story, not when characters in his story do it as an attempt at humour and endlessly recycle the same joke even after being told it's not funny.

 

im trying to help you find more foefics! you suck crabby

 

No' date=' seriously, you don't understand. I don't just think you're a bad writer. I despise everything about you personally. I am disgusted by the fact that you haven't been shot yet. Everything you stand for is despicable. And nothing could make me happier than to know that you think I "suck". Now get the bloody hell out of my website.

 

While I don't personally know much about Naruto, I enjoyed Catch-22. It was a bit of a disappoint compared to Blackjack or Zero (which just happened to feature Captain R and LASERHANDSMAN), but it was still good and humorous.

 

I was expecting Catch-22 to be disappointing, since I wasn't really feeling the Naruto story. It was coming off the heels of several epically bad stories and was the least interesting form of bad fanfic around.

 

I've noticed your Zero Punctuation references as well. If you ever refer to yourself as a charismatic stallion' date=' I called it.

[/quote']

 

Those were indeed deliberate (though I am not exactly the sort of person who would ever be described as a "stallion").

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Jolta Explorer

Jolta

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Posted

Vendaljeus? Its going on muh dictionary

 

I don't know, but the self-made ending tickled me.

 

Just like how he turns into another creature to go to school, Ann turns into a giant muddaf#xing Sea Serpent Alien to kick the school bullies' @$$. Electricity, Wind Manipulation, could've killed them.

 

IMO Ven should do that instead.

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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My only contact with the show called "Ben 10" is actually the two relevant stories Crab has reviewed.

 

Needless to say, I won't bother with watching the actual thing. Too much damage.

 

Izzy and Anten are priceless.

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GenzoTheHarpist Newbie

GenzoTheHarpist

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Posted

Crab, there's one ridiculous part I can also add due to knowledge of the show. The original Ben had a friend named Kevin Levin. So this story is saying, not only did over centuries people keep the Tennyson name and lineage, but the Levin as well, and they just happen to still live in the exact same place by pure coincidence and be friends.

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