Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Para-Koopa Guy, really, WiiOmi? You have to mention it again? God, the hell I live in...

 

Did you honestly think I would forget what happened so long ago? Do you really think I'm stupid enough to forget that day? Never. But I'll say this. You may have reviewed my first review, but you never reviewed me on my writing prowess. In other words, I have a fan fic in the making that I shall request for you to review after the first chapter is posted in the future. Expect it to be done in a few months or longer, depending on how I do the plot. Do we have a deal? Or do you intend to think about it?

[Dr. Cakey]

Para-Koopa Guy, really, WiiOmi? You have to mention it again? God, the hell I live in...

 

Did you honestly think I would forget what happened so long ago? Do you really think I'm stupid enough to forget that day? Never. But I'll say this. You may have reviewed my first review, but you never reviewed me on my writing prowess. In other words, I have a fan fic in the making that I shall request for you to review after the first chapter is posted in the future. Expect it to be done in a few months or longer, depending on how I do the plot. Do we have a deal? Or do you intend to think about it?

COME AT ME BRO

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Do I know you? That was referred to Crab Helmet and ONLY her. Why must you interfere?

[CrabHelmet]

Para-Koopa Guy, really, WiiOmi? You have to mention it again?

He mentioned it again because I mentioned it again. You'd know that if you read Drowned Wednesday. But you didn't, C4. You didn't. You just don't love me anymore. I feel so alone.

 

God, the hell I live in...

 

Did you honestly think I would forget what happened so long ago? Do you really think I'm stupid enough to forget that day? Never.

 

But I'll say this. You may have reviewed my first review, but you never reviewed me on my writing prowess. In other words, I have a fan fic in the making that I shall request for you to review after the first chapter is posted in the future. Expect it to be done in a few months or longer, depending on how I do the plot. Do we have a deal? Or do you intend to think about it?

I've got an even better intention: I intend to forget about it.

 

Foe Fiction just came back from a five-month hiatus, and as should be evident from the weekday-themed titles, this season is only going to be seven reviews long. Who knows what I'm going to be doing a few months from now? Maybe I'll be writing Foe Fiction; maybe not.

 

But even if I am writing Foe Fiction at that time, why should I remember this post of yours from early April? From all your melodramatic comments about how you live in hell and you'll never forget my review of your "review" and from this "challenge" you're proposing, you seem to be under the impression that you are my nemesis or something. But here's the thing: You're not my nemesis. (My nemesis is Captain Hammer.) You were the subject of one review, but I've done forty-four reviews. The Parakoopa thing is a running gag, but so are plenty of other things, like LASERHANDSMAN, and nobody cares where LASERHANDSMAN came from. If I actually cared about you, I might have some interest in this, but as it stands? I really don't care. Maybe when you post your story I'll review it (since I have no doubt that it will suck enough to merit a review); maybe I won't. But I'm not going to plan out reviewing it months in advance, because to be honest, I couldn't care less about you.

 

For you, the day Helmet graced your review topic was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday.

[Womi]

Para-Koopa Guy, really, WiiOmi? You have to mention it again? God, the hell I live in...

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Para-Koopa Guy is either.

 

 

 

 

However, to me MANSHADOW is the only hero of the Foe Fiction series, followed by Professor Young Boy.

[DL]

I've got an even better intention: I intend to forget about it.

 

Foe Fiction just came back from a five-month hiatus, and as should be evident from the weekday-themed titles, this season is only going to be seven reviews long. Who knows what I'm going to be doing a few months from now? Maybe I'll be writing Foe Fiction; maybe not.

 

But even if I am writing Foe Fiction at that time, why should I remember this post of yours from early April? From all your melodramatic comments about how you live in hell and you'll never forget my review of your "review" and from this "challenge" you're proposing, you seem to be under the impression that you are my nemesis or something. But here's the thing: You're not my nemesis. (My nemesis is Captain Hammer.) You were the subject of one review, but I've done forty-four reviews. The Parakoopa thing is a running gag, but so are plenty of other things, like LASERHANDSMAN, and nobody cares where LASERHANDSMAN came from. If I actually cared about you, I might have some interest in this, but as it stands? I really don't care. Maybe when you post your story I'll review it (since I have no doubt that it will suck enough to merit a review); maybe I won't. But I'm not going to plan out reviewing it months in advance, because to be honest, I couldn't care less about you.

 

For you, the day Helmet graced your review topic was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday.

+ rep

 

 

I miss Professor Young Boy.

 

Also, latest review was amazing. I nearly died.

 

"Emmanuel pKant"

 

XD

[Womi]

Yep, admittedly, Immanuel pKant is now my favourite philosopher.

[CrabHelmet]

Will Star be able to write a story that doesn't suck?

 

[spoiler=The Man Who Was Thursday - {Yu-Gi-Oh War of the Wind!}]Well, this should be a step up from my first three reviews, since a glance reveals that, if nothing else, Yu-Gi-Oh War of the Wind! is at least been typed intelligibly. I mean, the first chapter "Episode" title is the unspeakably bland "The Quest Begins", but at least Star figured out how to make proper paragraph breaks, which has to count for something, right? Let's get started.

 

“The game of Duel Monsters has existed for thousands of years.

 

Note that this sentence and in fact the next several paragraphs are all italicized in the source text, but I'm not going to be bolding each and every one of them; I'll tell you when they stop being italicized in the source.

 

Speaking of formatting, I looked back at my last review and noticed some odd glitches in it; some portions of the text had changed color, even though I never used tags anywhere. Probably more interference from the ambient radiation. This is exactly why I hate living in a government town; either the lead shield around the house isn't strong enough, and the radiation from the portal project kills me, or there is enough lead, and then I die of lead poisoning. Having a scientist mother has its downsides.

 

It is a widespread belief held by millions of people that the introduction of the Shadow Games marked the beginning of this era.

 

Really? Millions of people know about the Shadow Games now?

 

That the Ancient Pharaohs of Egypt created and devised these games, with the hopes of vanquishing foes and maintaining power at any cost. What if…what if I were to tell you that this game existed far before the creation of the Shadow Games?

 

I would ask who you were and what you were doing in my house, faceless expository wall of italicized text.

 

What if this game was played by ancient civilizations, who had learned to harness its power millennia before the rest of the world?

 

Yeah, that's right. This fanfic totally mixes up the Yu-Gi-Oh! canon by revealing the startling twist that... the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. You know, unlike the regular series, in which the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. I can see we're off on a rollercoaster of originality here.

 

Wait a minute, the rest of the world learned to harness the power of the Shadow Games? Screw this ancient history stuff, I want to hear about that happening. That sounds much more interesting than what I'm sure we're going to be treated to.

 

The year was 15,000 B.C. Before the Nazca Lines, before the Pyramids, before any of the great landmarks you see in the world today.

 

The whole "it's cool because it's even older than ancient Egyptian games" thing has been used repeatedly in the anime, and was been employed as early as the Season 4 Doma arc, in which the writers insisted that Atlantis was cool and special because it was like ancient Egypt except twice as old. I'm afraid that increasing the the number B.C. doesn't actually make me care any more about your backstory; it just makes you look like more of a hack.

 

The Kaze Minzoku, literally meaning "Wind People", or "People of the Wind".

 

They spoke modern Japanese despite being seventeen thousand years old. The only difference was that apparently verbs hadn't been invented back then.

 

An incredibly adept and intelligent people, the Kaze Minzoku were spellcasters, able to control and use various sources on earth in different ways, an extremely powerful form of magic. A non-violent people,

 

Because they fortunately shared a hive-mind in which absolutely everyone acted the same?

 

the Kaze used these abilities to build and construct their land, using their abilities for good, not evil, and for hundreds of years things remained that way.

 

Thanks to their brilliant brainwashing program, nobody deviated from the officially mandated thought process for hundreds of years.

 

Why do you people always write glorious fallen civilizations that have unintentional undertones of being horrible dystopias?

 

It wasn't until about 1,000 years after their existence in this world that a caster by the name of Makaze, "evil wind", developed an unsatiable crave for power.

 

Well, I would too if I were named something like "Evil Wind". Sheesh, if my name were "Darkoverlord Sinisterdoom von Puppykicker", I'm sure everyone treating me as an obvious villain based purely on my name would be enough to get me to turn evil. Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid something that basically gives them no career options but supervillain or professional wrestler?

 

The head of his village, he convinced his people that using their abilities could bring them great power, and was able to get them to believe that his intentions were good.

 

Yes, yes, of course the guy named EVIL WIND has nothing but your best interests at heart!

 

Note that this eliminates the Gilbert & Sullivan-esque motivation for Makaze that he turned evil because his sinister name caused everyone to hate him. Instead, we just have Makaze's parents being idiots, his followers being idiots, and Star being the biggest idiot for giving the supervillain an entirely arbitrary and unnecessary obvious villain name.

 

Perhaps in his eyes, they were, but Makaze unleashed great destruction upon the world, manipulating his powers to summon a series of creatures that would later come to be known as "Duel Monsters". It is in fact this evil that led to the creation of the Shadow Games in the first place.

 

He's also apparently a rather incompetent supervillain, given that he summoned Kuriboh.

 

As Makaze began assembling an army of darkness with which he could take over the land, those still remaining on the side of good

 

Wait, even though Makaze was the first evil guy in EVER and he's only just started assembling his army, the "side of good" is already so small that its contents is described as "those still remaining"?

 

Maybe Good just really sucks.

 

began to assemble an army of their own, knowing that perserving

 

PROOFREADING

 

any of their great peace and accomplishments would require fighting, and they were right.

 

The only way to perserve preserve the peace is to go to war!

 

For all the author's talk about how great the Kaze Minzoku were, their onscreen actions so far consist of "having everyone think exactly the same", "being fooled by a blatant villain", "losing easily", and "deciding that peace requires war". As far as I can tell, they deserved to die.

 

A bloody war ensued, one that went on for almost twenty years with constant destruction, and right before their eyes, the world of the Kaze Minzoku was falling apart. Makaze advanced upon the city's capital, prepared to deliver a final devastating blow that would surely spell the end. In doing so, he summoned forth a creature known today as Van'Dalgyon, the Dark Dragon Lord.

 

That's... kind of random. When I think "unstoppable force of doom", my first thought isn't usually "random Dragon that is only useful in one decktype and that is completely vanilla after it has been Summoned".

 

The might of the fearsome machine of destruction was unstoppable, and try as they might, the Kaze Minzoku were unable to stop it.

 

MY GREAT PROSE SENSES ARE TINGLING

 

No, seriously, read the stuff you write. This sort of thing won't get through if you do.

 

Mercilessly, the creature continued its assault, killing thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and creatures, and unleashing a hell unlike anything they had seen before. In a desperate effort to prevent the forthcoming destruction, a young boy by the name of Senpuu Isai, the heir to the city's throne, summoned the angel Honest, and sacrificed his own life to merge with the hero of light.

 

I thought Duel Monsters were an army of darkness that were only brought into this world by Makaze to serve in his evil army, but now suddenly the "heroes" can call down glorious angels of light? What, did Makaze just summon a bunch of LIGHT monsters and tell them to run off to join his opponents and then forget about them?

 

The Kaze Maneko

 

They were called the Kaze Minzoku earlier. If you're not even going to take an interest in your boring nonsensical cosmology with your stupid nonsensical random Japanese names, why do you expect me to care?

 

watched on as the Dragon was destroyed, consumed by the powers of light. But all was not saved. For Makaze was still alive, and it had taken nearly all of Senpuu's energy to vanquish Van'Dalygon.

 

Van'Dalygon? Not Van'Dalgyon? Do you have eyes?

 

Still, maybe the problem isn't on your end. Maybe the radiation is scrambling the characters. She said they were running some big tests today. She said they'd be trying to run the prototype. My mother, that is. She said that. Maybe the story's letters are being moved around, like my review's letters were turned purple. That shouldn't happen with the prototype in its current condition, but maybe they're closer to breakthrough than they think. Maybe something slipped out.

 

The people, with no other option, sacrificed themselves, lending all of their power to Honest to deliver the finishing blow, and banish the seemingly unstoppable Makaze from destroying all they had come to know. Makaze's power was great, but he could not withstand the combined powers that stood in his way, and was killed. The few surviving Maneko people knew they had no chance at rebuilding their own civilization, so they used the last of their magic to seal it away, in four magical emblems.

 

...or maybe you're just a hack who decided to randomly give Honest some Captain Planet By Your Powers Combined Tinkerbell Jesus Care Bear Stare powers to resolve this mess of a plot, along with the last Maneko Minzoku Moronic people realizing that they couldn't rebuild their civilization (why?), so they sealed away their civilization (what does that even mean? And if their civilization was unbuilt, what was left to be sealed away?). No amount of portal nonsense could explain these failings.

 

These emblems have come to be known as the four key stones, all of which are located throughout the world.

 

I'm glad you told us that. After all, I might have thought that some of them weren't in the world otherwise.

 

The time has come for these stones to reveal themselves, as the greatness that was Maneko civlization was only intended to be hidden for so long.

 

I'm sorry, but who intended for them to reveal themselves now? The last remaining Maneko (since apparently that's what you're calling them now) weren't capable of rebuilding anything properly, so they apparently locked whatever remained away somehow, but why would they decide that seventeen thousand years was the proper waiting period? And how do YOU know all of this, whoever you are?

 

This power can prove great, and improve the world as we know it today, but in the wrong hands, combined with what we know today, can cause unspeakable destruction. Only by..."

 

Generic ominousness strikes no resonance.

 

Here end the italics.

 

There was a rustling in the bushes. Shiiro slammed the book shut and shoved it off the table, causing a loud thud as it hit the floor. He had known this day would come. He wasn't a fighter, and his small, thin frame was evidence of that. There was a knock on the door, and Shiiro managed to knock the table over, leaning behind it as a shield. A temporary hiding place, at least, to buy as much time as possible. As he waited for the door to open, accepting the fact that defense was not an option, he struggled to keep a straight face.

 

Let me get this straight: Shiiro had always known this day would come, yet prepared no defenses whatsoever, and was only just now reading the basic exposition we just received (from a book that cited no sources or evidence)? It sounds to me like Shiiro is a complete newbie who only just happened to stumble across all of this and didn't know anything about anything relevant to the plot until he started reading the book with us five minutes ago.

 

What happened next, Shiiro did not see. There was a huge burst of light, and suddenly everything was gone. His body collapsed to the floor, motionless, as the intruders raided the house, shuffling through everything looking to find the item they had come for. It was near the remains of the now shattered table and the shell that was previously Shiiro's body that one of the henchman found the book. He picked up and brushed it off, holding it up so that the man next to him could get a look. The man nodded, and with that, they made their way.

 

They made their way... where? That's not a complete ending to a sen- oh, screw it. We've got a secret evil SWAT team killing a guy in order to take a book that seems to consist of nothing but unsubstantiated ramblings that everyone in the world will either disbelieve because of how stupid they are or already be familiar with from a more reliable source. None of this makes any sense.

 

****************************************************************************

 

"Woah, what was that?! Ahh!" Ryder snapped back to reality as he struggled to seize control of his motorcycle,

 

(Bold equals italics.)

 

Oh, joy, our protagonist is a guy named "Ryder" who "rides" a motorcycle. Even 4Kids would be ashamed of these names.

 

the slick, black, flame-clad bike almost crashing into a guardrail as the beam of light shot into the sky. It lasted less than two seconds, yet it illuminated the entire sky, and was certainly distracting to the point of losing his grip. He blinked his eyes a few times to restore his vision, then gripped the throttle tight as he sped off into the distance.

 

It was a cool night, perfect for a bike run. Ryder was by himself, lost in thought, now focusing on nothing but the light he'd seen. As his torn, faded leather jacket blew in the wind behind him, he tried to figure out what it was, how it happened. It wasn't just some normal occurence; something had literally lit up the sky. There were hardly any stars out at all, and whatever this bright yellow light had been, was caused by something out of the ordinary. He didn't believe in magic. No, he wasn't one of those people.

 

I'll admit, this prose isn't awful. Despite the obvious lack of spellchecking - it's supposed to be spelled "occurrence", with a double-r in the middle - the description here is above-average for a YCM fanfic, mainly because the standard for description around these parts is along the lines of "BLACK HAIR K". Nevertheless, it's also not great. A giant yellow laserbeam just illuminated the entire sky and blinded Ryder, and his conclusion after all of his deep pondering is... it was something that was unusual.

 

G-G-G-GENIUS!

 

However, something had to have happened. Ryder had no job.

 

Hello, abrupt change of topic with nothing resembling a transition?

 

Occasionally he'd fix up a bike or two for some extra cash, but he'd saved his money well, and at eighteen years old, he was priveleged

 

You mean "privileged"? That's it, we're done. I'm not reading another bloody word until you learn to spellcheck, you hack.

 

to be able to go out for a night on the town like this.

 

See? I've no idea how that sentence ended, because I've stopped readi- what's that humming sound?

 

Slowing his bike down,

 

It's low, but it's definitely there. It's got some sort of pattern to it, too - a rhythm of some sort.

 

he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.

 

Definitely a pattern, but I can't quite pin it down. It's rather irregular. Sometimes four beats sound together, but sometimes only one or two. It's not random, though. There's a structure. It makes sense. It's there. I can almost-

 

It's gone. The hum is gone.

 

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the story. What's the last thing I missed?

 

he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.

 

He turned around by doing a 360.

 

A 360.

 

As in, three hundred and sixty degrees.

 

As in, not a reversal of direction but rather a full circular spin that leaves you facing the same way you began.

 

That's a fitting metaphor for this story, actually. After all, the entire prologue's net effect was to move the backstory back about ten thousand years and scramble the names. Star spends several paragraphs jumping through hoops with an incredibly idiotic cosmology, and for all of his effort, nothing actually changed. Truly, this is the 360 of fanfics.

 

The grammatical abomination that is "the direction from which the light had came" is barely worth mentioning next to that.

 

After a bit of riding, Ryder pulled his bike off to the side, finding himself in a location rather unfamiliar. He loved the outdoors, but not so much the forest. Surrounded by trees, searching back and forth for any signs of life, or residency, but nothing.

 

INDEPENDENT CLAUSES

 

EACH SENTENCE NEEDS ONE

 

It was just tree after tree, and the deeper he walked into the forest, the colder it became.

 

CAW! CAW! A crow flew overhead, rattling the leaves of the trees as it did so. Ryder looked up, but saw nothing. There was an almost eerie feeling about the place, but he wasn't scared. He had no reason to be. He'd seen worse, and often times it was a result of his incredible sense of adventure. A cool breeze brushed by his face, and he pulled his jacket up close for warmth.

 

There's more to creating a creepy atmosphere than saying "It's cold! There's a crow! The main character thinks it's creepy, so you should to!" At least some effort is put forward here beyond just saying that it's eerie, but it's just too rudimentary to be effective.

 

Signs of light began to appear, and Ryder squinted his eyes to get a closer look. There looked to be a house. A small one, but a house nonetheless. It was certainly an odd location, but the darkness in the area explained the light he could see. The more he thought about it, the more this location made sense; this had to have been where the light came from. Revisiting the situation, the light was closer to the middle of the forest than it was to the edge, and this house was located, literally, in the exact middle of this side of the land. It was interesting. Slowly, he crept up towards the house, not wanting to make himself known.

 

So let me get this straight: Ryder somehow knows that this house is literally in the exact geographic center of the forest, and it must be the source of the light because it's dark, and the darkness in the area explains the light in the area.

 

Or something. I've really no idea; Tommy Wiseau's The Chamber had more narrative coherence than this.

 

The door was open, and the only source of light was from a lantern hanging outside the door. It looked brighter from far away, but the inside of the house was only dimly lit.

"I guess he's got no reason to worry out here..." Ryder joked quietly.

 

I'm going to guess that's a reference to some song lyrics from some song I've never heard of.

 

He knocked on the door, and after no response, stepped inside. Everything was scattered about the floor. Papers, glass, books, you name it, it was there.

 

...that doesn't really sound like that extensive a variety of scattered objects, really. Papers AND books!? Wow, this is crazy!

 

He searched around for a flashlight or something of the sort, but it was difficult to see. The crow squealed again, as Ryder whipped around behind him. There was no one there, but he'd been caught by surprise.

 

Jump scares are stupid enough on movies. In text form, they're utterly ridiculous.

 

As he turned around, something caught his eye. It was a body. Whether it was a man or woman was hard to make out, but there was definitely a body, laying lifeless

 

Ryder hasn't a clue about the body's gender, but is instantly certain that it's dead and not just sleeping or unconscious or meditating. Maybe there's some obvious indication of its death, like its head being removed from its shoulders, but the narrator apparently decided that we didn't need that information.

 

behind a table that had been knocked over.

 

And thus we are hinted that the body is Shiiro with all the subtlety of a neon sign saying "IT'S SHIIRO GUYS". Because, you know, we'd never have been able to figure out that the only two blinding flashes of light and the only two dead people in the story might be connected.

 

"What happened here?"

 

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" Ryder asked, not expecting a response. There was nothing but silence.

 

So Ryder's certain he's just come across a dead body, and his reaction is... a mild interest in more information on the situation and a calm, casual question to the body that he knows won't receive an answer.

 

"Actually, I am, but I can't say the same for you." This voice took him by surprise. He turned back around to see a man standing at the doorway. His presence was slightly intimidating, a white t-shirt

 

AH! T-SHIRT! T-SHIRT! RUN! THE INTIMIDATION IS OVERWHELMING! FLEE! FLEE OR YOU'RE DEAD!

 

covered in what looked like dirt, a grey vest, and the rest of the outfit was concealed by the darkness outside. There was a duel disk on his arm, and while Ryder had brought his own, he knew it wasn't a duel that had killed the person inside the house. It was something far stronger.

 

I love the implication that duels are normally fatal, but Shiiro was clearly killed by something... fatal-er. A deduction that Ryder reached based on no evidence whatsoever.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth.

 

“I’m simply, well, you could say the safe keeper of this area.” He laughed. “You’ve got no place being here, and it’s my responsibility to…remove you from the premises.”

 

Considering that Ryder is technically trespassing here, this villain guy is actually making some sense, which is a first for any of the characters in this story. I like him.

 

“I’d like to see you try.” Ryder motioned towards him. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I’m no weakling myself.”

 

The man laughed. “A fight? You’re hysterical. I’m not a man of violence.” He continued. “I’ve yet to reach that level. Rather, I’d fancy a duel.”

 

"I've yet to reach that level"? What the hell does that mean?

 

“Yet to reach that level? What the hell does that mean?

 

Ryder gets points for being right on the money here... but loses them for the horrible formatting putting his internal thoughts inside his speech quotes.

 

A duel? You’re on, but I know you’re fully aware of what’s happened here. So here’s what’s up. We’ll duel, but when I win, you fill me in on what exactly went on here.”

 

Again, he laughed. “If that’s your request, then so be it.” An eerie wind blew across the open area as Ryder stepped outside, the man taking a few steps back. “I’m not sure this is something you want to involve yourself in, but those who are stubborn, will always be so.”

 

"Yes, instead you should just give up and let me kill you. That's the sensible thing to do."

 

“Less talk, more duel!” Ryder activated his duel disk, drawing five cards from his Deck, and a sixth to kick things off.

 

First you ask for answers, now you ask for silence. Ryder really doesn't have a clue what his motivation here is.

 

“I’m not one for patience. My move!” To some, Ryder’s dueling style might come across as arrogant, but to Ryder himself, it was well-paced strategy. No point in wasting time, especially not in a situation like this.

 

Um, no. Unilaterally declaring that you're taking the first move is not a strategy, it's arrogant and probably illegal.

 

“I’ll start with Static Grid!”

 

[spoiler=Static Grid]

Continuous Spell Card

Once per turn, you can discard 1 Thunder-Type monster to add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Deck to your hand. Each time your opponent Normal Summons a monster, inflict 500 damage to your opponent.

 

 

The open area of dirt between them was replaced by a holographic electric grid, separated by individual squares, each one surrounded by waves of electricity, quickly lighting up the area. Ryder was surprised. His opponent shielded his eyes from the light, as if it was hurting him in some way. Eventually, he lowered his arm and put on a cocky smile.

 

“With Static Grid in play, each time you Normal Summon a monster, you take 500 points of damage! And if that’s not shocking enough, I can discard a Thunder-Type monster from my hand to take a different Thunder-Type monster from my Deck!” Ryder grinned.

 

Let me re-iterate: Star posted the full effect of this card... and then had Ryder immediately state the full effect of this card.

 

Look, characters explaining effects they should be familiar with to each other in the anime is stupid, but it's necessary because we can't read the card effects and need to find out what the cards do. Here, such nonsensical explanations are unnecessary with the full card texts available - and is pointlessly redundant and repetitive when they're included anyhow.

 

If this is really the quality of writing we can expect from the duel, I'm not commenting on this nonsense anymore. Duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel. After all, duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel.

 

Luckily for me, the chapter ends before the duel does, which means I can get out of this terrible story.

 

While this may be technically above-average for YCM, it's still bloody awful. The writing's nothing spectacular, the plot somehow manages to be worse than the canon, the names are absurd, the characters are idiots, the card effects are repeated, the proofreading is non-existent, the backstory is laughable, the logic is absent, the card effects are repeated, and if I'm the only one who noticed that, for a story called "War of the Wind" whose backstory features a people whose name would translate into "People of the Wind" if they actually had a consistent name, this doesn't have a bloody thing to do with wind (it's just light and dark again), it's only because I'm the only one who read more than two paragraphs of this story before correctly deciding to abandon it.

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: no.

[Sunshine Jesse]

Nice job as usual. I lol'd.

Does this mean mine isn't bad enough to review?

[Phantom Roxas]

From what I gather, the inconsistent naming of the Kaze Minzoku to Kaze Maneko has me think that they are the Evil Cats of the Wind. Also, defining the terms in the prologue was incredibly unnecessary. While I can understand "Kaze Minzoku", defining Makaze's name is complete unnecessary and would usually be put on some kind of Wiki or reference book that suggests the etymology of a name.

[DL]

Omfg

 

Lol

 

360

 

XD

 

 

I loved it.

 

Also, mind reviewing...

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/243462-zero-blades-an-original-story/

 

?

 

It's pretty bad, I can guarantee.

[Womi]

inb4crusoereference.

[legolover09]

I must bump this to mind The Amazing Helmet to continue till the end.

[CrabHelmet]

It's finals season, next review may take some time.

 

In the meantime, though, you can enjoy some reviews of similar quality over in Pichu's topic! wait what

[Pichu]

Crab? can't we just be friends. I admit I like your reviews but sometimes it makes me mad. But I got over them! Please Crabby? Friends?

 

Also feel free to review one of current fics.

[Grunt Issun]

Crab? can't we just be friends. I admit I like your reviews but sometimes it makes me mad. But I got over them! Please Crabby? Friends?

 

Also feel free to review one of current fics.

SPOILER ALERT: no.

[Brinolovania]

Crab? can't we just be friends. I admit I like your reviews but sometimes it makes me mad. But I got over them! Please Crabby? Friends?

 

Also feel free to review one of current fics.

You are mentally retarded.

[Lord Smeagle]

You are mentally retarded.

 

Pac, that's a grave insult to the legitimately mentally retarded.

 

Pichu, no, because no.

[CrabHelmet]

I RETURN

 

[spoiler=Gotta Get Down On Friday - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel of Destiny}]Stand back, everyone, for we are in the presence... of an expert.

 

Ik I am new here, but I am a Fan Fic expert for a long time.

 

Indeed, as you can tell by this expert's impeccable grammar in his introduction, he is truly a master of creative writing. And he is recognized as such by academic institutions:

 

I used to make Fan Fics for my play at my school.

 

After all the funding cuts President Biden made to the education system in order to continue running experiments here without raising taxes on the obscenely rich, I'm surprised the school still has plays, let alone plays of a student who writes fanfiction. This is a true testament to TheGameTripleH, who is clearly such an expert in writing that we can have only the highest expectatio-

 

So cut me some slack, this is my first Yu-Gi-Oh! Series and Fan Fic.

 

-excuse me, I meant to say that TheGameTripleH was pleading inexperience and wanted us to forgive him if this didn't turn out well. He's an expert, but we should cut him some slack.

 

Now, it seems that this is one of those fanfics that likes to pretend it's an actual anime series as opposed to a written story, which is never a good sign. So let's play the Fanfic-That-Thinks-It's-A-Show Drinking Game! First of all, take a drink for a logo that tries to make it look more like an actual televised series...

 

Logo:

 

Yeah, that GooglePaint makes this look so much more professional. I remember that time in Yu-Gi-Oh! GX when the animators got bored and just scribbled an entire episode in crayon. Don't you?

 

Now, drink for the presence of a soundtrack:

 

Theme:

- IK it's WWE Based but it perfectly fits this series.

 

I'll save you the trouble of following the link; it's a generic song in which some guy declares that he will be badass.

 

Since TheGameTripleH is apparently merciful enough to want ot save us the trouble of actually reading his story, he was kind enough to give us this plot summary:

 

Plot for Season 1:

 

Ooh, we have seasons instead of books or parts or anything else that makes sense in written form? That's worth another drink!

 

A young man named, Ryan Derricks has lost his friend he knew when he was a little kid by this evil duelist stranger named Kyrand,

 

Oh no! Not Ryan Derricks' friend he knew when he was a little kid! He was the best friend Ryan Derricks ever had that he knew when he was a little kid! How could he ave been lost by this evil duelist stranger? The horror!

 

the next day Kyrand hosts a big tournament, and Ryan must join the tournament for his friend.

 

It's a good thing Ryan Derricks' friend has such a good friend as Ryan Derricks to fight for him. Because Ryan Derricks cares about his friends. Especially this friend. The one he knew when he was a little kid. You know, that friend.

 

He meets new friend along the way such as, his best friend Amber Shrag,

 

Ryan and Amber were best friends before they even met. That's how deep their bond of friendship is. It's almost as deep as the friendship between Ryan and, uh, that other friend of his whose name Ryan totally remembers.

 

the comedian Zack Litrand, and Paul Lawrance.

 

Oh boy, wow! Paul Lawrence is my favourite character who has never appeared in anything else and about whom I know absolutely nothing beyond his name and whom I have been given absolutely no reason to care about! Now I feel REALLY motivated to read this story!

 

These four heroes shall join the tournament not only for Ryan's buddy but for the world as well.

 

Yeah, the entire first season is apparently a Rescue Arc for a character whose name isn't important enough to be mentioned. Why exactly did TheGameHHH think this introduction would make people want to read this?

 

Will Ryan prevail? Or will Kyrand destroy the world. Find out in this very awesome first Season of: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel of Destiny

 

Er, if there's a second season, I'm assuming the world survives.

 

Sorry for not posting another review for quite some time. Things have been busy here after the first test run, and there was a big lockdown after it was discovered that the dimensional portal was sabotaged, so I didn't even have internet for a long time. And even then, every time I sat down to write this review, I kept being distracted by this music.

 

Anyhow, let's pretend we somehow still had an interest in this story after that plot summary and dive right into...

 

Episode 1: Ryan's First Duel

 

Episodes instead of chapters! Drink!

 

Ryan: At last,

 

Script format! Drink!

 

...ah, that feels goooooood.

 

I am now 15 years old and I am ready for my first duel disk, and most of all buy a deck at the shop.

 

Our hero doesn't even own a deck. He wants to be the very best like no one ever was and save the world, but he doesn't even own a deck yet.

 

I always dreamed of being the number 1 duelist in the world and I attempt to make it come true.

 

Indeed, I attempt to make this dream come true by... never buying any Duel Monsters cards this whole time?

 

Oh, and, um, there's random variation between past and present tense, which pretending this is happening onscreen can easily cause, so, er, let's drink!

 

I always wanted to face Yugi, Jaden or Yusei in a duel all in my life. YEAH! And I will gonna make it come true.

 

But Yugi, Jaden, and Yusei live in different time perio- screw it, let's move on.

 

Mom: Ryan, are you ready?

 

Ryan: Yeah mom, just a sec. -Gets dressed- Im coming.

 

Wow, what an exciting scene. Behold the deep and subtle personalities of these characters.

 

-They arrive at the Card Shop-

 

Note the complete lack of any sort of description of the setting. That's what you get for writing in script format as if this were a televised series, so... another drink!

 

Ryan: At last!

 

Cashier: Can I help you?

 

I love the idea of Ryan spouting completely random rants to any random person like a local cashier that he meets.

 

Ryan: At last, owning a deck is within my grasp! Soon the world shall fear my power!

Bystander: Er, that's very nice, but I only asked you if you could make change for a twent-

Ryan: I shall duel Yugi and save the world! Oh, and maybe also my lifelong friend to whom I am very close.

 

...why are the words all fuzzy?

 

Ryan: I have come here for a deck.

 

Cashier: Are you 15?

 

Ryan: Why yes I am.

 

Cashier: Very Well, pick a deck.

 

You need t' be fifteen to own childrens' trading cards in dis universe?

 

...that makes so little sense that I think I needs anotha drink.

 

Ryan: Let's see...Dragon of the Earth...this will have Nature Dragons. Warrior's Last Sword it will have Machine Knights and some Warriors.........PERFECT! I love Warriors, Mam, I deck I choose is Warrior's Last Sword.

 

He not only didn' own any cards but also wasn't familar... famelor... didn't know what deck he wants? Does this chump even know the rules of the card game? Has he really spent the last fifteen years being totally igno... not knowing anything about the game that was supposed t' rule his dreams 'n stuff?

 

Cashier: Very well ^^ Here you go.

 

It's a good thing that "^^" was included. It really brought this scene t' life. Really.

 

-Ryan gives her money-

 

Ryan: Thank you very much! Don't worry, this deck will be taken care of. -Goes into the Dueling Headquarters- Hello I have come to register as a duelist. I am 15 and I came here for a duel disk.

 

Behold the exciting world-saving epic adventure of bureaucracy! Time for another drink. No excuse this time, I just really don' wanna be sober here. Mmmmmm.

 

???: Very well what is your name?

 

Ooh, the mystery of the Dueling Headquarters receptionist! The intrigue! The interest-catching question-marking thingy of excitingnosity! Truly, this adventure is coming alive!

 

Ryan: Ryan Derricks.

 

???: Ok Ryan, here is your duel disk, just sign here, here and here.

 

-Ryan Signs-

 

Ryan: Thank you so much.

 

Duel Disk Preview:

 

It... looks just like a GX Duel Disk. Except blurrier. Why did we need to see a picture of this? Why are you unable to use words to describe things? Why is... dis blasted music playing!?

 

Mom: Ok Ryan time to go to duel academy.

 

It wasn' s'posed to play when I drunk. That's why I got dis far without it interruptin'. Whyzzit in my head again? Home come-

 

Ryan: Whats a Duel Academy?

 

HOME COME YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DUEL ACADEMY IS? In this universe, that's like me in real-life graduating middle school without knowing that there was such a thing as high school. And then being hit by a bus for being a moron.

 

Heh. Hit by a bus. Violence is funny.

 

Mom: Its a school where you learn more about duel monsters,

 

Well I'd never have guessed that from the name and what is this tune anyhow? It's always the same. One note, then two, then four, then four more, then two. Then back to one, two, four, four, two again. And again. Continuing on a looping repeating... loop. Every time and stuff. It's bad. It's-

 

by the way, I know you know how to play its just you need to learn some strategies and make new friends.

 

It's not quite as bad as this, though. No song stuck in your head can be as infuriating as expecting to follow a protagonist who has never touched a deck before, doesn't know the basic structure of the world in which he lives, doesn't know any decent strategies, and whose own mother says doesn't have friends.

 

Love you son, have a nice first day.

 

Ryan: Love you too, have a nice day at work. :)

 

Well, that was abrupt. Apparently, she's saying goodbye and shipping him off to school... in the very conversation in which he first learned the school existed. Truly, the awfulness of this is sobering. And so the tune strengthens. One, two, four, four, two.

 

???: Hahahaha! Well well well, If it isn't Shrag, where are you going red-head?

 

Wow, we got a bit of character description! Someone named... Shrag? That's a name? Anyhow, they have red hair. And these characters who have never been introduced have mysterious names, because apparently that's interesting.

 

???2: None of your business

 

I don't think "???2" is a construct I ever needed to see. Especially since, in case you forgot, we already know Shrag's name. I think that's why these reviews make me hear the melody. It's not right. I can feel it in every note. It doesn't belong. It's a bad song. So when I see all the badness here, that resonates, so I hear the music that shouldn't be here.

 

???: -shoves her-

 

Ryan: Hey! You leave her alone, Brandon!

 

Well, that wrapped up the mystery of this character's name quickly. What was the point of making it a secret in the first place?

 

Brandon: Oh WELL! FINALLY SOMEBODY HAS A DUEL DISK AND A DECK FINALLY!

 

Brandon is my favorite character. He sees how retarded Ryan is for never getting any cards before.

 

WELL DERRICKS IF YOU WANT SHRAG

 

Ryan wants to "shrag" Brandon? I didn't realize this was one of those fanfics. Look, Ryan, I'm sorry, but Brandon's way out of your league, and he really just isn't into you. You should have realized that already too four four two.

 

THEN YOU GONNA HAVE TO DUEL ME FIRST! IF YOU WIN, SHRAG IS FREE TO GO, IF I WIN, SHE GOES WITH ME!

 

Er, where is this taking place? Surely this is a public area if Ryan just saw this happening? This is why actually describing a setting is important; it helps you realize that you shouldn't do this sort of nonsense.

 

Ryan: You got yourself a duel.

 

R: 8000

B: 8000

 

...when did the text of this story take steroids?

 

Brandon: Since I challenged you I'll go first. GET READY! I'll Summon Brogan Reaper in ATK mode.

 

ATK: 0

* = 1

 

 

MY EYES MY EYES WHAT IS THIS HIDEOUS ABOMINATION

 

Ryan(Thinking): Why would Brandon play a monster with no ATK points. Unless he has a plan!

 

Ryan: tactical genius. If this is our hero's level of genius, then Brandon has this duel won two four four two.

 

Brandon: I'll Place 1 card Face-Down and end my turn. Let's see what you got Derricks!

 

Ryan: WITH PLEASURE! -Draws a card and sees his hand- SWEET!

I'll Summon Long Hair Rose in ATK Mode.

ATK: 1700

* = 4

 

The bizarre formatting isn't even consistent. Different sizes and typefaces are chosen at random with every stat that appears.

 

Now my Rose attack his Brogan Reaper with Rose Pedal Slash!

 

Brandon: I don't think so, Activate Trap: Brogan Defense! This stops your monster from attacking my Brogan Reaper, however I must discard 1 Brogan monster from my hand,

 

Come on, Brandon, you're really using something that's like Negate Attack except it only blocks a single attack and it comes with a discard cost?

 

and I choose Brogan Falcon. Then my Falcon's Special Ability activates whenever it's discard from my hand, I can Special Summon it to the field in DEF mode during my next Standby Phase.

 

Ryan: I place 1 card face-down and end my turn.

 

Brandon: Then it's my move! Thank's to my Brogan Falcon's Special Ability I can Special Summon it from the graveyard in DEF mode.

 

Wow, it's a good thing you repeated what we just saw TWO LINES AGO. How thrilling. It hurts.

 

ARISE my Falcon!

 

DEF: 800

*(T) = 2

 

Oh, apparently colors are randomized too.

 

By the way not only my Falcon has returned but its Also a Tuner Monster and then I summon this, Brogue Magician.

 

 

ATK: 1000

* = 3

 

Da.

Da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Da-da.

Da.

Da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Da-da.

 

Ye gods, I'm so bored by this nonsense I'm singing along to that melody.

 

and now I tune my Falcon with my Reaper and my Magician. This duel is over.

 

2 + 3 + 1 = 6

 

THRILLING ADVENTURE INTO FIRST-GRADE MATH!

 

 

To save you from sharing my boredom, I'm going to skip ahead past more of this unspeakably dull fight to the end:

 

Brandon: What are you gonna do now? Trust me! You will never bypass my monsters, it's over for you DERRICKS!

 

To Be Continued...

 

Stick for more every Wednesday!

 

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen. Nobody read this except me. And I didn't finish it. And I had a song stuck in my head for the part I did read. And I hated it and will never return.

 

Also on the next episode, I wont be using text effects anymore because its not coming up too well

 

No, really? You don't think those incredibly massive randomly-colored letters were the most beautiful piece of art ever created? Shocking! But if you realized that this hideous formatting looked awful, why didn't you just remove it from this chapter before posting?

 

By the way, I didn't even touch on the unspeakably bad grammar during this review, because if I commented on every single grammatical error we'd be here all day. Suffice to say, far from believing that you are any sort of fanfic expert who writes plays for your school, I instead question the assertion that you even go to school. Every single sentence you write goes clunk, your dialogue is awful and nonsensical, your descriptive abilities are non-existent, and your prose is atrocious.

 

I have such a headache right now. This abominable excuse for a script mas severely damaged my brain. The alcohol is already maknig me feel hung over. And my head is thumping to that awful melody. Mum will be home soon. She's still trying to fix the portal, but she doesn't need to. Something slipped through that first time they tested it. I can hear it. It doesn't belong here. It should never have come here.

 

The melody and TheGameTripleH have a lot in common that way: I don't want to be in the same universe as either of you.

 

 

INDEED

[Nathanael D. Striker]

Glad to see you back Crab. That review was indeed funny.

[Icy]

Wooow >_> If that fanfic is as bad as you actually have it (not doubting you but basically asking for a link), I really do have great sorrow for you. Even fragmented, you can feel how bad it... ;-;. Brb, "praying" for you.

[CrabHelmet]

Oops, you're right, I forgot to link to the original topic. Fixed.

[Icy]

Oh god... Not exaggerating at all. I'm so sorry you had to read that. And welcome back Crabs.

[Dr. Cakey]

Oh.

My.

God.

 

...Wait. Something...came through the portal? Thank god I'm in a different universe from you.

[Kazooie]

Ryan: Whats a Duel Academy?

 

OH GOD IT'S ANDY FROM ADVANCED WARS.

 

...That story melted my eyes. It was so, so painful...