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Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
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CrabHelmet

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Crab' date=' you have repeatedly stated that "As You Know" is a terrible quality to have in a story. How else would you bring up events that "happened in the past", or should you even do so?

[/quote']

 

There are plenty of ways to do that; the best way or ways for a given instance depend on the style of the story and the importance of the information, but since As You Know requires the characters to do things that make no sense in the story's universe, it is virtually always the wrong way, regardless of what type of information is being conveyed.

 

Off the top of my head, here are a few examples of better ways to convey information:

 

1) Have a character explain the situation to another character that justifiably does not already have the information being given.

 

2) Have a flashback directly showing the past event.

 

3) If the story is being told in first person, have the narrator explain what happened to the audience. If the story is not being told in first person, reveal one character's thoughts and use those to reveal what happened to the audience.

 

4) Have a character write or read a report on what happened, or hear a radio broadcast about it, or something similar.

 

As a rule of thumb, the more sense the method of exposition makes in-universe and the less it breaks the narrative flow, the better.

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Season 2 begins!

 

[spoiler=The 27 Club - {The Golios Legacy}]Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

We'll open the second season with The Golios Legacy by maadd1.

 

I'm glad everything worked out so well. I mean, sure, my entire supporting cast was killed and I had to mind-wipe my future self and strand him at a random point in time, but besides that things are back to normal. Time for more solo reviewing!

 

Before we begin, let's see what the author of this story has to say for himself:

 

(NOTE: I will accept criticism and critique, however keep in mind im not perfecr and i do make mistakes, if you dont lie it then simply state why, dont get abusive, im one kid not a full team. On a positive note plz tell me what u liked and any suggestions will be taken into account

thx ... Maadd1)

 

Apparently, it's impossible to write like a human being unless your a perfecr full team so we shuldnt wine if we dont lie it.

 

The weird thing is that the story itself, at least from what I saw by glancing at it, isn't written like this; I don't know how well it's written, but it didn't seem to be nearly as bad as this author's note. Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this, but deliberately opted not to do so while writing the author's note that instructs us not to complain if the story isn't written perfecry - he chose to leave the note telling us not to complain about mistakes full of mistakes. That's meta-weirdness there.

 

Anyhow, let's go to the actual prologue.

 

The sounds of thunder, the constant roar of the rain hitting the lands.

 

And our first sentence is... not actually a sentence. Now, there are perfectly good artistic reasons for beginning a story with a Not Sentence - or, which is actually more common, with a string of Not Sentences. But when a disembodied third-person narrator is just using it to describe the background noise of the setting, a Not Sentence is Not Necessary.

 

On top of the highest peak of all mountains in the Prominence of Adrigh, the fate of Adro is dependent of one man..Arthus.

 

In this universe, power is directly proportional to alphabetic superiority. Dragons may be fairly strong, but the most feared beast in all the realm is the dreaded aardvark. Nobody has ever faced an aardvark and lived to tell the tale, notwithstanding the Frenchmen who taunted one off while defending the Castle Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.

 

It strikes me as rather clumsy to open by simply stating without context that the fate of the world depends on Arthus, as opposed to, you know, pretty much any other conceivable way of conveying that the fate of the world depends on Arthus.

 

A wounded figure stands opposite to the mighty warrior known as Arthus, he is covered in a black robe with the right arm sleeve torn off and a hoodie that hides his face, he holds his right arm, limping in pain.

 

Phew. For a moment there, I was worried we were running low on black-cloaked figures with shrouded faces.

 

This sentence is an example of what is called a "comma splice" - joining two independent clauses with a simple comma instead of a period, a semicolon, or a comma and a conjunction. I don't care if you're not a perfecr team, maadd1; avoiding this sort of basic error doesn't require a perfecr team, since it's the sort of thing that any high school student is expected to do.

 

Arthus stands tall and proud, ignoring the water now slipping from his face, he points his right arm in the direction of the limping figure.

 

And here's another comma splice.

 

Why do so many people write in the present tense here? Is it because the past tense is the standard, so they think it's clever and original when they write in the present tense? In this case, I think it's the Camera Fallacy again. This story is billed as an anime rather than as a written story, so I suspect that the idea is that the written words narrate what would be happening on the screen at any given time if this were actually an anime and not a written fanfic.

 

To which I have only one response: get your head out of the sand, ostrich.

 

Whenever you're writing a fanfic, bear in mind that you're writing a fanfic, not a television series. These are different types of media that have different conventions. When you're writing the fanfic, don't pretend that you're actually writing a television series; accept that what you're writing is purely verbal and then write it properly. There's a reason that official movie novelizations are called "novelizations" - it's because they're written like novels rather than like transcripts.

 

Red and orange light begin to emit from Arthus’s arm, it is soon engulfed in a red and orange aura that soon replaces the elbow to hand of Arthus.

 

COMMA SPLICE COUNT: 3

 

When I first started reading this pseudo-sentence, I thought he was shooting laser beams out of his hands. Sadly, he wasn't that awesome.

 

Also, I love how "engulfed" is in the past tense.

 

As the light disappears a 1m long red and orange, sharp blade appears in place of the arm. Big sparks of circling flames engulf the blade.

 

Writing style aside, this sort of thing is another reason why it's important to remember what medium you're working in. Something like this appearing in an actual anime series generally looks pretty cool and would make Arthus look awesome. Something like this being described in a fanfic sounds like it's trying to look cool and like it's trying to make Arthus look awesome, but fails to actually look cool or make Arthus look awesome. When you're writing, overdone special effects are stupid instead of fantastic.

 

The hooded figure hides his pain and stands tall “Well Arthus…”, says the hooded figure.”Who would have thought…it would turn out…like this…”

 

I always thought it was the figure without the pure-black clothes who was supposed to think his loss was inconceivable.

 

"My strength wasn't achieved through training”, says the emotional yet aggressive sounding Arthus. “It came from those who plea for freedom, who would give their lives to protect others, I swore to Adro that their freedom would be assured!"

 

Yeah, this would probably sound really dramatic if we had any context whatsoever. As it stands, however, all we have is Arthus spewing a bunch of generic lines from a power-of-heart shonen hero. Again, it feels like the intent here is that this is supposed to be an epic and awesome scene - it's the oath-empowered hero facing off with the Big Bad - but it falls flat on its face because a hero powered by friendship or whatever is meaningless when we've never witnessed any of that trust/friendship/et cetera.

 

The hooded figure stands straight up and points his sleeveless right arm at Arthus, who is still pointing his glowing blade at the hooded figure.

 

“So still…you understand nothing…”, the hooded figure says.

 

Please use the phrase "the hooded figure" more. You've only used it five times so far, so it's not quite repetitive enough. This would never happen if you had given your villain any characteristics other than "he's a figure who's hooded" - but even given that your villain is as generic as possible, you should still be able to mix up the phrasing somehow.

 

Moreover, potato chainsaw. There, that should make up for how boring and serious this review has been so far.

 

I'm actually inclined to agree with the villain here. If the hero didn't even bother training because he trusted that the power of his vow to protect unspecified offscreen people or whatever would suffice, he really should be insulted for understanding nothing.

 

Suddenly his right arm emits black light and soon gets engulfed in black shards of lightning. The arm is now engulfed in the black light and invisible to the eyes, as the light diminishes the arm is replaced, by a growing black blade that extends to 1.1m long, that emits constant black shards of lightning.

 

The fact that "the hooded figure" was wounded and limping and in pain and wearing torn clothes when this scene began implied that we were entering the scene after they had been fighting for quite some time, but then we see that it's only later that both of these guys decide to use their Go Go Gadget Swordarm. Does everyone in this universe, despite the extreme serious that the narrator claims this situation has, constantly hold back so that they can later reveal that they are not left-handed?

 

"You say such noble words...but when it comes to Adro...would you trully be prepared...to lose it all?"

 

"Trully"? When you fail to use the MSWord spellchecker, you lose the right to act like everyone's expectations are too high when they complain about your writing being awful. This isn't a matter of perfecrion; it's a matter of basic standards that any monkey who can find the F7 key can be expected to reach.

 

Anyhow, I thought Arthus was actively working to avoid losing all of Adro, so the line about being prepared to lose it all doesn't make much sense.

 

Arthus looks to his right and down the mountain, there is a poor town with little huts for houses, he looks through a small window of one hut, where a boy no older then 5 looks up at the battle at hand.

 

He looked down a mountain into a small window of one specific hut and saw a kid looking back up at him.

 

Here's what I've figured out about the world so far: here, everyone holds back stupidly and has insane vision.

 

Arthus faces the hooded figure, then closes his eyes.

 

Sounds like an excellent fighting tactic. Look away from your nemesis down a mountain, then shut your eyes.

 

Everything is now black.

 

Yes. That is indeed what normally happens when you close your eyes.

 

The rain continues to poor as the thunder roars. Arthus is on his knees, big drips of blood running down his chest and leg, his blade touching the ground. The hooded figure is kneeling in front of him with his black blade through Arthus’s chest. Arthus coughs out blood.

 

I don't understand it! Somehow Arthus's amazing combo of Not Attacking and Not Looking At The Opponent failed! What could have gone wrong?

 

I'd complain about the rain not pouring properly, but so much of this story is poor that that word feels somehow appropriate.

 

The hooded figure puts his left hand on Arthus’s shoulder.

“Was it worth it…”

 

Was being stabbed and dying and failing to actually defeat the villain worth it? No, probably not.

 

Arthus’s pain and bloody stricken face reveals a light smile."Was.....it worth...it? ha...ha, i..i may not have...been able....to end...this, but my...my son...he, he will...end it all...i leave him...my….Golios of Truth!” Arthus's blade dissapears and is replaced by his right arm.

 

You weren't able to end it because you didn't pull out your swordarm during the actual battle and then refused to finish the villain off when he was on his knees in crippling pain in front of you when you did have your swordarm out and then decided to look away and shut your eyes when the villain was standing on front of you with his own swordarm! It wasn't a matter of you not being able to end this; it was a matter of you acting like a complete dolt and refusing to do anything that could possibly allow you to win! I know you said you didn't get your strength from training, but come on, it doesn't take years of training to figure out that stabbing the opponent makes you win and squeezing your eyes shut makes you lose.

 

And nice plan, giving your swordarm to the five-year-old kid. Yeah, I'm sure that the evil villain who vanquished someone who the narrator claims is a "mighty warrior" (even though he seems to be fundamentally useless at fighting) is going to be completely unable to defeat some little boy, because five-year-olds are such powerful swordarmsmen.

 

The hooded figure takes his blade out of Arthus’s stomach and kicks him in the gut forcing him to lay flat in a puddle of water and blood.

 

And so we return to our original theme of Things That Look Cool On The Screen But Sound Stupid In Text Form.

 

“You can’t escape…the Gods…”

“Daddy!!!!”, calls the boy in the hut.

 

Then again, since the kid seems to have magic supervision that lets him see what two guys up at the top of a MOUNTAIN are doing, maybe he has similar plot magic that will let him defeat the villain.

 

On the whole, this was not a good story. The lines were entirely cliché, except that the lack of context removed the slightest meaning they might have had. The "plot," as it were, relied on the hero Arthus being a complete moron in every way possible, and when you're too stupid to even be a proper generic barbarian hero, something is very wrong.

 

And as for the writing quality: stop pretending this is an anime series! It isn't! Accept that it isn't, and you'll do far better than you are now; a well done fanfic is far better than a poor man's anime, and if you keep deluding yourself over what you're writing then you'll be stuck with the quality you have now. This is verbal story, not an audiovisual one told through a camera. And don't whine about how I'm being unfair expecting you to actually post something readable because you're not a perfecr team and yadda yadda yadda. You didn't even run this through a spellchecker, so you forfeit all right to get defensive about any of this.

 

 

 

The big black thing at the top is the Season 2 opener; when I post my review in the thread of the story I'm reviewing, I always begin with the current season's opener. Season 1's was also found in the opening post of this topic. I won't keep putting the opener in each review I post in this thread; I just wanted it to be included once.

 

Not to me...

*cries*

...

 

The content of that PM meant I could not reply properly because it would ruin surprises.

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