Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Umbra]

Is he really that smart? I've heard what his ability is' date=' and the fact that he has that power and hasn't already won doesn't make him sound terribly intelligent.

[/quote']

 

As a matter of fact, he's winning right now.

 

This guy planned out about 100 years of plot in advance.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

If you learn a new technique, Aizen knew you'd have learned it, and in fact you only learned it because he wanted you to.

 

And i'm dead serious, Aizen has an object, one of it's powers is that it can cause events to end up favorable to him. So pretty much, the author provided a plot device that gives an in-universe explanation of him knowing everything ten steps in advance.

[Phantom Roxas]

So you can argue he's not smarter than them, he's just a Villain Sue.

[CarlinFan]

The only reason Aizen didn't kill all of the Captains and Vizards on the spot was basically because he was screwing with them. If he'd felt like it, he probably could've eliminated every single notable protagonist already without suffering any serious damage. Aizen's basically just dragging things out because he's a sadistic, evil bastard, and that's why he's epic win. The only real challenge to his power, the Captain Commander, was somebody he'd already specifically prepared a failsafe against. Aizen's essentially the ultimate antagonist in terms of putting the heroes in a bad spot. He can control your senses, break your weapon with his bare hand, run mental circles around you, and manipulate reality around his desires with the Hogyoku (the 'object' Genzo mentioned), all without even exerting himself. In short, yes, he is that powerful and that smart, and the heroes are screwed. He might be a villain Sue, but he kicks way too much ass for me to care.

[Womi]

Crab, do you have a favourite Foe Fic?

 

And is Foe Fic also abbreviated as "FF"?

[Guest Ixigo]

I didn't quite 'feel' the usual good vibe from the latest chapter. I dunno, maybe because the story had such a horrible concept but was otherwise presentable, making it difficult to bash very consistently. There just didn't seem to be many points that sparked interest (in the review; in the actual story, there were no points that sparked interest).

 

Inb4 Anten revives everyone next review by the power of Greyskull friendship.

 

Really? With TVTropes knowledge' date=' I'd have thought I'd have heard of more of them, even without reading Bleach, but the only ones whose names looked familiar were the Grim guy and the crazy name that started with U.[/quote']

 

That's because TVTropes is a decent site that tries to avoid references to shows that transcend crap, such as Bleach. And yes, I know my username is a play on that anime's main character's name, but a) as I came up with it, I didn't think I'd be staying long, b) when I joined, Bleach was still halfway decent as a concept, and c) I didn't really care.

 

And actually TVTropes makes a lot of references to such shows.

 

As mean as you are' date=' I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol[/quote']

 

Hmm, if it's a proofreader you need, I'll offer myself for that. I took some sort of twisted interest in your story. I don't know if I'm as amazing as Crab, but I can get the job done well enough to drag you well out of Foe Fiction league.

 

Crab' date=' do you have a favourite Foe Fic?

 

And is Foe Fic also abbreviated as "FF"?[/quote']

 

I should think Foe Fic would be abbreviated as FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -

[GenzoTheHarpist]

My fave so far was Kingdom Hearts: Reconnect.

[Headmaster Monokuma]

My favorite is the duel still. Jaden Von Brownhair has yet to be defeated, as he has brown hair, and he pulls off horrible combos that professors who are still young boys have never seen.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

The whole "fell into a hole with not end" thing is an in-joke with me and my friends now, along from the "been in the digital world so long they've become digimon themselves" line from digimon restoration.

[Guest Ixigo]

I'm gonna be BREAAAKING THE HAABIT, and link a story that I think should sneak its way into the second-to-last Foe Fic of the season.

[Womi]

The stories with MANSHADOW and LASERHANDSMAN are my favourites.

[Guest]

And now the thrilling continuation.

 

[spoiler=Silver Jubilee - {Halo: The Search for Master Chief}]I'll start with Halo: The Search for Master Chief by Imma Mario.

 

Let me just make sure everything is properly prepared. Have you finished setting up the cameras, my minion? Excellent. And Crab and Izzy are still unconscious? Good. Let me just make sure you've- no, you idiot, this is not how you tie people up! I suppose I should have guessed that you'd have forgotten how to tie a knot when you've already even forgotten how to speak, but seriously, Grell, do I have to do everything myself? You are officially the worst minion ever.

 

Tom walked into the cold, large, empty dark room.

 

Not just any cold, large, empty dark room - the cold, large, empty dark room.

 

But the room was not completly empty,

 

One sentence in and we've already hit a continuity error - specifically, a deliberate continuity error that the author inserted for no apparent reason. My best guess is that the author thought saying something and then revealing that it wasn't true in the very next sentence is something clever and classy that will make his story good. He's wrong.

 

the room had one huge computer screen.

 

Here's a spoiler for the next [run-on] sentence: it also has two other people in it. Apparently, two people being in a room are so irrelevant to whether or not the room is empty that they don't even warrant a mention when the room's emptiness is being explicitly negated by a "computer screen".

 

The computer switched on, from the light Tom could see Jacob and Frank next to him,

 

How can you not sense two other people standing right next to you? Yes, I know the room is as dark as it is empty pitch-black, but humans have sensory abilities outside of their eyes, and it really shouldn't have been hard for Tom to sense Jacob and Frank standing right next to him, especially since they weren't even trying to hide.

 

Thinking about this raises another question: if the room was so dark and Tom's senses were so poor that he couldn't even detect Jacob and Frank, what gave him the idea that the room was empty in the first place? Is he so young that he hasn't reached the stage where you learn that things don't stop existing when you can't see them?

 

then the face of the Commander appeared on the screen.

 

"Okay men, as you know,

 

As you know, the worst type of exposition is the type where characters tell each other things that they already know purely for the purpose of giving the audience information, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so in-universe. This story is kind enough to use the generic line that any intelligent person cannot possibly write without realizing that the exposition is completely nonsensical: "As you know".

 

Master Chief has gone missing on the Planet Civinry, which is home to large ammounts of Covenant. Your Mission, is to find Master Chief, bring him back and eliminate as many Covenant on the way. Over and out," Boomed the Commander's Voice.

 

FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE D-DAY LANDING

 

"Alright, men, listen up! As you know, the Germans took over France and killed a lot of people and are bad guys. Your mission is to take control of mainland Europe and kill as many Nazis as possible. That's all the instructions you're getting."

 

To make matters worse, these pathetic excuses for instructions, despite almost completely lacking content, are actually wrong. A rescue-and-recovery mission should not be trying to kill as many enemies as possible, since doing so would call attention to the mission and thus prevent it from actually achieving its objective.

 

Tom had never been on a mission before, he had only spent time in training, but since he aced his Survival Tests, so Command chose him to go on this Mission,

 

IN A MEETING AT COMMAND

 

"As you know, Master Chief, our best warrior ever who blew up some Covenants and Floods and did some other stuff I would know if I had actually played Halo, has gone missing. I recommend we send no more than three people to try to find him with no instruction beyond, "He's missing, go find him," and that at least one of those people have no actual field experience. Any objections to this plan? No? Good. I'll set up a not-actually-empty room immediately.

 

either that or they just hate him at Command.

 

In Heller's Catch-22, Yossarian, a wartime bomber pilot, is convinced that people he doesn't know are trying to kill him. We shortly find out that he is referring not only to the enemies who try to shoot him down but also to the people from Command who force him, like everyone else, to keep flying missions and thus endanger his life.

 

When Heller does it, it's clever, fits perfectly with the overall theme of the entire book, and is genuinely funny. When Imma Mario attempts to make a similar joke, it comes out as the sort of thing normally followed in a YouTube comment by "lol".

 

Tom followed Jacob and Frank to the Launch Deck, Tom saw lots of Vehicles.

 

There once was a user called Imma

Who just couldn't write with good gramma';

As hard as he tried,

The readers just cried,

And broke all their screens with a hamma!

 

Right at the end of the Launch Deck, there were the Entry Pods. As Tom got into the Entry Pod, he looked over at Jacob, who had cuts and scars on his arms and face. Then he looked over to Frank who only had one scare under his lip.

 

Unlike this story, which has many, many scares in it.

 

I will be fair, though; saying that a soldier bears many scars may not be a terribly original shorthand for painting him as having been hardened by battle, but it is a passable one that at least averts the need to make explicit statements to that effect.

 

Tom turned back around to Jacob and he asked, "Oi Jacob, what happened to your face?"

 

"Jacob was down there on Civinry with the Chief before he went missing last week," said Frank.

 

Of course, our author feels the urge to make those explicit statements anyhow.

 

Jacob pulled the lid of his Entry Pod down over him.

 

"He doesn't talk too much, so don't think he hates you. Even though he does hate you," laughed Frank.

 

Now Frank was a stupid bloke

Who daftly laughed at his own joke;

But it gets even finah -

He's a stand-in for Imma,

Whose writing skills must have broke!

 

Frank and Tom pulled down the lids of the Entry Pods. 993 could feel the engine starting up, and in no time, the Entry Pod flew out of the ship. What was seconds, felt like hours for 993. Finally, the Pod landed and 993 jumped out, Breathing heavily, he saw Frank and Jacob getting everything together.

 

I don't know much about Halo, but the way this is written makes it seem like Tom has suddenly and with no warning begun being referred to by the narrator as "993" instead of his regular name. I haven't a clue why.

 

"Hey Newbie, take these," said Jacob as he threw Tom 2 Fragment Grenades, an Assault Rifle and a Pistol.

 

Imma Mario did not know that day

That "two" should be spelled out this way

But along came a spider,

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

 

Tom put the Grenades on his belt and the Pistol away, still holding the Assault Rifle.

 

I was hoping that Jacob had gotten as sick of this story as I had and had decided to end the story early by throwing a live grenade at the protagonist's face. No such luck.

 

Frank brought out the map and said, "So this is where they last saw the Chief, we will need to hike across the mountains to get there, should take around 3 Days."

 

I love how Random words continue To be Capitalized.

 

"3 DAYS!

 

It's not as good as the rest of the Trilby series, but 3 Days a Soldier is still an excellent game.

 

They expect us to survive no longer than 2 hours down here." Yelled Jacob.

 

IN A MEETING AT COMMAND

 

"As you know, people are only expected to survive for two hours on the planet's surface, and since we're dropping our people from space, we can land them pretty much anywhere on the planet. I recommend we land them a three-day hike away from the one place where they should obviously be looking, with a mountain range in the way. Sound good?"

 

For those of you playing along at home, I have now proven myself to be a vastly superior military commander to the entire Command staff at least three times so far. Think about what that says about the entire military. Why are they in charge of leading an army into war against an alien race when the only person under my command is this idiot Grell?

 

"Hey Jacob, how long were you down here last week?" Asked Tom.

 

"Newbie, I was down here for 13 Minutes, and I have a score to settle with that Beast," said Jacob.

 

"Who is like unto the Beast? Who is able to make war with him?"

 

Frank put one finger over his mouth and Jacob nodded. Tom didn't feel safe

 

What a shame that a soldier in a war doesn't feel safe.

 

and he wasn't much of a climber. Rocks fell from beneath his feet, Tom was about to fall when Jacob grabbed his foot and threw Tom onto the top of the ledge.

 

It's just like in that one action movie where exactly this scene happened. What was it called? Oh, yeah, I remember now. It was in EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER. The only difference is that this overused scene might have actually been something vaguely resembling dramatic when shown on the screen, whereas it's just stupid to use it in text form.

 

"Idiot," Muttered Jacob under his breath.

 

At the top of the Ledge, Tom could see a large figure standing infront of him, it was no human.

 

"Look out! That's the Beast," Yelled Jacob.

 

Imma Mario doesn't bother to give us any description of the Beast, beyond that it's really big and isn't human, so I'm going to invent a description of my own: he has seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads, the names of blasphemy. And he probably derives his power from a dragon or something.

 

Tom Shot at the Beast with his Assault Rifle and he could see Cuts, Scars and Bullet Wounds all over the Beast. But before he knew it, the Beast was gone.

 

"The Beast always kills one Person everytime it appears, but it left without killing someone, odd. Becareful Newbie, it could strike at ANY time," said Jacob as he jumped off the Cliff face.

 

You know how bad fantasy authors name everything important by taking an ordinary word and capitalizing it? Imma Mario is even worse in that he capitalizes ordinary words for no reason at all. Then, for an encore, he proceeds to screw up the spelling and grammar of everything else.

 

Jacob fell for atleast 20 Metres before he grabbed onto a ledge and climbed down slowly.

 

Which brings us to an interesting question: is it spelled "Metres" here because Imma Mario normally uses British English, or is it spelled "Metres" here because Imma Mario is American but just butchers the spelling of everything he attempts to type? I'm going to assume the former because it lets me imagine that ElectricalBeast is reading this story aloud. (The more boring reason is that it's actually the correct answer; Imma Mario's profile says that he's Australian.)

 

"He is always reckless like this, he will kill himself doing something like this," said Frank as he started to Climb down the Cliff.

 

He obviously shouldn't have come to the Cliff before reading the relevant Notes.

 

Tom followed Frank and Jacob. But what Tom saw next was amazing, nothing like Earth. The Covenant's Architectural Skills were amazing, the Buildings made Humans stare in awe.

 

They're amazingly awesomely amazing. Guess how many words Imma Mario will spend actually describing them? Hint: the correct answer starts with a "z" and rhymes with "zero". Halo: The Search for Some Actual Description!

 

But all of that was short lived as soon as the Grunts came into the scene. Jacob only had to take 8 shots and all of the Grunts were dead. The noise of the shots didn't attract any other Covenant either.

 

Every conflict in this story is resolved in one sentence by one guy shooting. I love how our heroes are conveniently able to completely massacre the enemy forces and the enemy army is conveniently so incompetent that neither this platoon's disappearance nor the sound of gunfire attracts any attention at all.

 

Frank lead Jacob and Tom to a small cave and explained, "Okay men, it's getting late, and since here the days only lasts 18 Hours, we need our sleep. We will leave at dawn, circling around this town to the Temples in the Mountains. They are abandoned from what our intel has given us. It should take 12 Hours to get to our next Check Point which is a small cavern about 700 Metres from the Halienuy Waterfall, which is very easy to spot from here. Okay men, lights out. See you in the Morning."

 

It's easy to miss among the four lines of setup for the next chapter that I have no intention of reading, but look at the name "Halienuy". Seriously? Come on, Imma Mario, you just took the word "alien" and stuck a couple of random letters on each end. As if we didn't have enough evidence already that you're not even trying.

 

There is nothing here worth reading. The standard spelling and grammar errors of these terrible stories are augmented by your insistence on capitalizing random words for no reason. The story is practically non-existent, consisting of no more than Master Chief going missing and some idiots being sent in to look for him, and yet it still manages to be riddled with plot holes caused by the whole hike plot's existence depending on Command being filled by colossal morons. The writing goes out of its way to avoid actually describing anything; when the characters actually have personalities, they're either cookie-cutter or completely out of place (even without field experience, why is such a wimp ranked as such a strong soldier?); and there really-

 

Ugghhh... What's going on here?

 

Good morning, Crab Helmet. I've just finished Foe Fiction #25.

 

Ugghhh... What's going on here?

 

And you too, Izzy. I'm terribly sorry for tying you both up, but I'm afraid I can't allow you to throw me out of what used to be your studio. After all, I have terrible stories to review. Like this Halo fanfic I just finished.

 

Halo fanfic? *quickly skims* This is the worst review I've read in my life. Give me back my studio.

 

Don't be ridiculous. This review was awesome.

 

No, it was stupid. What on earth are those limericks doing in there?

 

I could write an entire review made of nothing but limericks!

 

But they weren't even good limericks! You needed to change words around just to make them rhyme properly!

 

Look, not a lot of words rhyme with "Imma", okay?

 

Then why on earth would you choose THAT as the word you're going to rhyme everything with!?

 

Oh, as if you're any better. Look at that last review! The story was awful, but you still gave it a fairly positive final opinion! The plot was nothing more than a bunch of characters being randomly thrown together with no description to fight for no reason!

 

I was just so astounded that someone actually proofread their work and produced something better-written than most Foe Fics despite not even being a native speaker of English that I-

 

Oh, shut up. You know as well as I do that you're just making pathetic excuses now.

 

Well, obviously. Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behi-

 

Aha!

 

!!!

 

Got you!

 

!!!... !!!........ !!!... !!!... !!!.... !!!...??? ... !!!... !!!........ !!!............... !!!........................ !!!.............. !!!.................. !!........ !......... !......... !......... !......... !....... !...............................................................

 

No, LASERHANDSMAN! You-

 

Yes, Izzy, he's dead. Shut up. And I'd advise you not to try anything similar, or I'll have Anten executed.

 

NO!

 

You can't-

 

Come on. If you're going to say the same thing right before he attacks every time, sooner or later someone's going to catch on and react. And I, of all people, am the person most likely to recognize the meaning in what you say.

 

What are you talking about, you lunatic!?

 

Isn't it obvious? Don't you recognize me at all?

 

I don't see what you- wait a minute. I still see a shadow of that- of that unspeakably handsome face...

 

That's right, Crab Helmet. I am you!

 

You killed The Professor Young Boy and LASERHANDSMAN and you're actually Crab Helmet!? How is that supposed to make sense, you murderous madman!?

 

I changed my name to Salty, but yes, I am the person once called Crab Helmet. Specifically, I am from the future!

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

It's fairly simple, really. See, in the future, The Professor Young Boy got his Ph.D. in mad science and built you the Atomic Wave Ectoplasmic Synthesizer Of Magnificent Elements, a name made primarily for the acronym and which really just means that it can fuse two people together, incorporating aspects of one into the other. By that point, one of the old versions of Superman with incredibly inconsistent powersets was around, so you used the A.W.E.S.O.M.E. to fuse him into yourself, gaining such powerful but inconsistent superpowers, such as the invisibility I had when I arrived here. Anyhow, much later there was a terrible scandal - you were revealed to be an alt of Draco - and you were evicted from your own studio by the authorities and left with nothing, despised by all. So you used one of The Doctor Young Boy's inventions, F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. - I have no idea what it stood for, but it was basically a time machine - to go back in time and hijack your own series from yourself so that you could continue reviewing.

 

That makes no sense.

 

It couldn't be simpler.

 

So that's why you're here?

 

Not exactly. You see, when the original you went back in time to confront yourself, the version of Anten he encountered there performed a heroic sacrifice to save the life of the you who was there, but destroyed the studio in the process. To reclaim your review series, the second you then stole the F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. and went back to rob an even earlier you - namely me - killing Anten immediately upon arrival to negate any heroic sacrifices. (It's a good thing we have always loved to monologue, or I wouldn't know all of this.) But that I escaped with The Doctor Young Boy, who built a large bomb that leveled my stolen studio, along with himself and a nearby city. Fortunately, he first built me a copy of F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S., which I took back in time with me along with my surviving minions and A.W.E.S.O.M.E. to just before you wrote your twentieth review.

 

From there, it was simple. I decided to bide my time so that I, unlike the other versions of me, wouldn't screw this up, until we found Anten alone, being nice to the flowers or something equally daft. Using A.W.E.S.O.M.E., I fused one of my henchmen - Ryu, from You Are Number 6, a complete loser - into her to drain all of her powers. Then I just left one of my last two henchmen to guard her and kill her if you lot tried anything and came here with my last henchman, Grell - you remember Grell, don't you? I'm sure he doesn't remember you - to sneak in here with my temporary invisibility, knock you lot out with chloroform, and kill The Professor Young Boy so that he couldn't possibly be used against me the way I used him against the old you.

 

You call this simple? Unless you count the plot of Primer, I can hardly think of anything less simple. You're saying that several versions of us have gone back in time to kill and be killed by other versions of us, with our supporting casts dying like flies in the process? All of this over control of a bad fan fiction review series?

 

Pretty much. Does that mean you're going to surrender to me?

 

Not a chance.

 

Of course you won't. None of us ever has; we aren't the sort of person to do that. But it hardly matters. You two are at my mercy - you're only even still alive to fulfill the conditions of your contract so that the network doesn't shut me down, and even then I can renegotiate after the next episode for Season 2, so don't expect to last long - and your Deus Ex Machina characters are either dead or, in Anten's case, depowered and being held hostage. You lose; this series is all mine!

 

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: The season finale is a riffing of all the original-fiction nonsense that nobody cares about that I've made up in the Foe Fiction series.

 

That's because TVTropes is a decent site that tries to avoid references to shows that transcend crap' date=' such as Bleach.

[/quote']

 

I actually see Bleach referenced a lot on TVTropes.

 

As mean as you are' date=' I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol[/quote']

 

You call me mean? ;_; But actually, I'd actually be willing to help with this, when I get time.

 

Crab' date=' do you have a favourite Foe Fic?[/quote']

 

A favourite Foe Fic, or a favourite Foe Fiction review? If the former, easily Hopeless Paradise. If the latter, no, they all suck.

 

My fave so far was Kingdom Hearts: Reconnect.

 

Everything's been going downhill since The New Number 2? ;_;

[Weather Report - Stand]

And now the thrilling continuation.

 

[spoiler=Silver Jubilee - {Halo: The Search for Master Chief}]I'll start with Halo: The Search for Master Chief by [ur=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user-333833.html]Imma Mario[/url].

 

Let me just make sure everything is properly prepared. Have you finished setting up the cameras' date=' my minion? Excellent. And Crab and Izzy are still unconscious? Good. Let me just make sure you've- no, you idiot, this is not how you tie people up! I suppose I should have guessed that you'd have forgotten how to tie a knot when you've already even forgotten how to speak, but seriously, Grell, do I have to do everything myself? You are officially the worst minion ever.[/color']

 

Tom walked into the cold, large, empty dark room.

 

Not just any cold, large, empty dark room - the cold, large, empty dark room.

 

But the room was not completly empty,

 

One sentence in and we've already hit a continuity error - specifically, a deliberate continuity error that the author inserted for no apparent reason. My best guess is that the author thought saying something and then revealing that it wasn't true in the very next sentence is something clever and classy that will make his story good. He's wrong.

 

the room had one huge computer screen.

 

Here's a spoiler for the next [run-on] sentence: it also has two other people in it. Apparently, two people being in a room are so irrelevant to whether or not the room is empty that they don't even warrant a mention when the room's emptiness is being explicitly negated by a "computer screen".

 

The computer switched on, from the light Tom could see Jacob and Frank next to him,

 

How can you not sense two other people standing right next to you? Yes, I know the room is as dark as it is empty pitch-black, but humans have sensory abilities outside of their eyes, and it really shouldn't have been hard for Tom to sense Jacob and Frank standing right next to him, especially since they weren't even trying to hide.

 

Thinking about this raises another question: if the room was so dark and Tom's senses were so poor that he couldn't even detect Jacob and Frank, what gave him the idea that the room was empty in the first place? Is he so young that he hasn't reached the stage where you learn that things don't stop existing when you can't see them?

 

then the face of the Commander appeared on the screen.

 

"Okay men, as you know,

 

As you know, the worst type of exposition is the type where characters tell each other things that they already know purely for the purpose of giving the audience information, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so in-universe. This story is kind enough to use the generic line that any intelligent person cannot possibly write without realizing that the exposition is completely nonsensical: "As you know".

 

Master Chief has gone missing on the Planet Civinry, which is home to large ammounts of Covenant. Your Mission, is to find Master Chief, bring him back and eliminate as many Covenant on the way. Over and out," Boomed the Commander's Voice.

 

FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE D-DAY LANDING

 

"Alright, men, listen up! As you know, the Germans took over France and killed a lot of people and are bad guys. Your mission is to take control of mainland Europe and kill as many Nazis as possible. That's all the instructions you're getting."

 

To make matters worse, these pathetic excuses for instructions, despite almost completely lacking content, are actually wrong. A rescue-and-recovery mission should not be trying to kill as many enemies as possible, since doing so would call attention to the mission and thus prevent it from actually achieving its objective.

 

Tom had never been on a mission before, he had only spent time in training, but since he aced his Survival Tests, so Command chose him to go on this Mission,

 

IN A MEETING AT COMMAND

 

"As you know, Master Chief, our best warrior ever who blew up some Covenants and Floods and did some other stuff I would know if I had actually played Halo, has gone missing. I recommend we send no more than three people to try to find him with no instruction beyond, "He's missing, go find him," and that at least one of those people have no actual field experience. Any objections to this plan? No? Good. I'll set up a not-actually-empty room immediately.

 

either that or they just hate him at Command.

 

In Heller's Catch-22, Yossarian, a wartime bomber pilot, is convinced that people he doesn't know are trying to kill him. We shortly find out that he is referring not only to the enemies who try to shoot him down but also to the people from Command who force him, like everyone else, to keep flying missions and thus endanger his life.

 

When Heller does it, it's clever, fits perfectly with the overall theme of the entire book, and is genuinely funny. When Imma Mario attempts to make a similar joke, it comes out as the sort of thing normally followed in a YouTube comment by "lol".

 

Tom followed Jacob and Frank to the Launch Deck, Tom saw lots of Vehicles.

 

There once was a user called Imma

Who just couldn't write with good gramma';

As hard as he tried,

The readers just cried,

And broke all their screens with a hamma!

 

Right at the end of the Launch Deck, there were the Entry Pods. As Tom got into the Entry Pod, he looked over at Jacob, who had cuts and scars on his arms and face. Then he looked over to Frank who only had one scare under his lip.

 

Unlike this story, which has many, many scares in it.

 

I will be fair, though; saying that a soldier bears many scars may not be a terribly original shorthand for painting him as having been hardened by battle, but it is a passable one that at least averts the need to make explicit statements to that effect.

 

Tom turned back around to Jacob and he asked, "Oi Jacob, what happened to your face?"

 

"Jacob was down there on Civinry with the Chief before he went missing last week," said Frank.

 

Of course, our author feels the urge to make those explicit statements anyhow.

 

Jacob pulled the lid of his Entry Pod down over him.

 

"He doesn't talk too much, so don't think he hates you. Even though he does hate you," laughed Frank.

 

Now Frank was a stupid bloke

Who daftly laughed at his own joke;

But it gets even finah -

He's a stand-in for Imma,

Whose writing skills must have broke!

 

Frank and Tom pulled down the lids of the Entry Pods. 993 could feel the engine starting up, and in no time, the Entry Pod flew out of the ship. What was seconds, felt like hours for 993. Finally, the Pod landed and 993 jumped out, Breathing heavily, he saw Frank and Jacob getting everything together.

 

I don't know much about Halo, but the way this is written makes it seem like Tom has suddenly and with no warning begun being referred to by the narrator as "993" instead of his regular name. I haven't a clue why.

 

"Hey Newbie, take these," said Jacob as he threw Tom 2 Fragment Grenades, an Assault Rifle and a Pistol.

 

Imma Mario had not a clue

That you ought to spell out the word "two"

But along came a spider,

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

 

Tom put the Grenades on his belt and the Pistol away, still holding the Assault Rifle.

 

I was hoping that Jacob had gotten as sick of this story as I had and had decided to end the story early by throwing a live grenade at the protagonist's face. No such luck.

 

Frank brought out the map and said, "So this is where they last saw the Chief, we will need to hike across the mountains to get there, should take around 3 Days."

 

I love how Random words continue To be Capitalized.

 

"3 DAYS!

 

It's not as good as the rest of the Trilby series, but 3 Days a Soldier is still an excellent game.

 

They expect us to survive no longer than 2 hours down here." Yelled Jacob.

 

IN A MEETING AT COMMAND

 

"As you know, people are only expected to survive for two hours on the planet's surface, and since we're dropping our people from space, we can land them pretty much anywhere on the planet. I recommend we land them a three-day hike away from the one place where they should obviously be looking, with a mountain range in the way. Sound good?"

 

For those of you playing along at home, I have now proven myself to be a vastly superior military commander to the entire Command staff at least three times so far. Think about what that says about the entire military. Why are they in charge of leading an army into war against an alien race when the only person under my command is this idiot Grell?

 

"Hey Jacob, how long were you down here last week?" Asked Tom.

 

"Newbie, I was down here for 13 Minutes, and I have a score to settle with that Beast," said Jacob.

 

"Who is like unto the Beast? Who is able to make war with him?"

 

Frank put one finger over his mouth and Jacob nodded. Tom didn't feel safe

 

What a shame that a soldier in a war doesn't feel safe.

 

and he wasn't much of a climber. Rocks fell from beneath his feet, Tom was about to fall when Jacob grabbed his foot and threw Tom onto the top of the ledge.

 

It's just like in that one action movie where exactly this scene happened. What was it called? Oh, yeah, I remember now. It was in EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER. The only difference is that this overused scene might have actually been something vaguely resembling dramatic when shown on the screen, whereas it's just stupid to use it in text form.

 

"Idiot," Muttered Jacob under his breath.

 

At the top of the Ledge, Tom could see a large figure standing infront of him, it was no human.

 

"Look out! That's the Beast," Yelled Jacob.

 

Imma Mario doesn't bother to give us any description of the Beast, beyond that it's really big and isn't human, so I'm going to invent a description of my own: he has seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads, the names of blasphemy. And he probably derives his power from a dragon or something.

 

Tom Shot at the Beast with his Assault Rifle and he could see Cuts, Scars and Bullet Wounds all over the Beast. But before he knew it, the Beast was gone.

 

"The Beast always kills one Person everytime it appears, but it left without killing someone, odd. Becareful Newbie, it could strike at ANY time," said Jacob as he jumped off the Cliff face.

 

You know how bad fantasy authors name everything important by taking an ordinary word and capitalizing it? Imma Mario is even worse in that he capitalizes ordinary words for no reason at all. Then, for an encore, he proceeds to screw up the spelling and grammar of everything else.

 

Jacob fell for atleast 20 Metres before he grabbed onto a ledge and climbed down slowly.

 

Which brings us to an interesting question: is it spelled "Metres" here because Imma Mario normally uses British English, or is it spelled "Metres" here because Imma Mario is American but just butchers the spelling of everything he attempts to type? I'm going to assume the former because it lets me imagine that ElectricalBeast is reading this story aloud. (The more boring reason is that it's actually the correct answer; Imma Mario's profile says that he's Australian.)

 

"He is always reckless like this, he will kill himself doing something like this," said Frank as he started to Climb down the Cliff.

 

He obviously shouldn't have come to the Cliff before reading the relevant Notes.

 

Tom followed Frank and Jacob. But what Tom saw next was amazing, nothing like Earth. The Covenant's Architectural Skills were amazing, the Buildings made Humans stare in awe.

 

They're amazingly awesomely amazing. Guess how many words Imma Mario will spend actually describing them? Hint: the correct answer starts with a "z" and rhymes with "zero". Halo: The Search for Some Actual Description!

 

But all of that was short lived as soon as the Grunts came into the scene. Jacob only had to take 8 shots and all of the Grunts were dead. The noise of the shots didn't attract any other Covenant either.

 

Every conflict in this story is resolved in one sentence by one guy shooting. I love how our heroes are conveniently able to completely massacre the enemy forces and the enemy army is conveniently so incompetent that neither this platoon's disappearance nor the sound of gunfire attracts any attention at all.

 

Frank lead Jacob and Tom to a small cave and explained, "Okay men, it's getting late, and since here the days only lasts 18 Hours, we need our sleep. We will leave at dawn, circling around this town to the Temples in the Mountains. They are abandoned from what our intel has given us. It should take 12 Hours to get to our next Check Point which is a small cavern about 700 Metres from the Halienuy Waterfall, which is very easy to spot from here. Okay men, lights out. See you in the Morning."

 

It's easy to miss among the four lines of setup for the next chapter that I have no intention of reading, but look at the name "Halienuy". Seriously? Come on, Imma Mario, you just took the word "alien" and stuck a couple of random letters on each end. As if we didn't have enough evidence already that you're not even trying.

 

There is nothing here worth reading. The standard spelling and grammar errors of these terrible stories are augmented by your insistence on capitalizing random words for no reason. The story is practically non-existent, consisting of no more than Master Chief going missing and some idiots being sent in to look for him, and yet it still manages to be riddled with plot holes caused by the whole hike plot's existence depending on Command being filled by colossal morons. The writing goes out of its way to avoid actually describing anything; when the characters actually have personalities, they're either cookie-cutter or completely out of place (even without field experience, why is such a wimp ranked as such a strong soldier?); and there really-

 

Ugghhh... What's going on here?

 

Good morning, Crab Helmet. I've just finished Foe Fiction #25.

 

Ugghhh... What's going on here?

 

And you too, Izzy. I'm terribly sorry for tying you both up, but I'm afraid I can't allow you to throw me out of what used to be your studio. After all, I have terrible stories to review. Like this Halo fanfic I just finished.

 

Halo fanfic? *quickly skims* This is the worst review I've read in my life. Give me back my studio.

 

Don't be ridiculous. This review was awesome.

 

No, it was stupid. What on earth are those limericks doing in there?

 

I could write an entire review made of nothing but limericks!

 

But they weren't even good limericks! You needed to change words around just to make them rhyme properly!

 

Look, not a lot of words rhyme with "Imma", okay?

 

Then why on earth would you choose THAT as the word you're going to rhyme everything with!?

 

Oh, as if you're any better. Look at that last review! The story was awful, but you still gave it a fairly positive final opinion! The plot was nothing more than a bunch of characters being randomly thrown together with no description to fight for no reason!

 

I was just so astounded that someone actually proofread their work and produced something better-written than most Foe Fics despite not even being a native speaker of English that I-

 

Oh, shut up. You know as well as I do that you're just making pathetic excuses now.

 

Well, obviously. Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behi-

 

Aha!

 

!!!

 

Got you!

 

!!!... !!!........ !!!... !!!... !!!.... !!!...??? ... !!!... !!!........ !!!............... !!!........................ !!!.............. !!!.................. !!........ !......... !......... !......... !......... !....... !...............................................................

 

No, LASERHANDSMAN! You-

 

Yes, Izzy, he's dead. Shut up. And I'd advise you not to try anything similar, or I'll have Anten executed.

 

NO!

 

You can't-

 

Come on. If you're going to say the same thing right before he attacks every time, sooner or later someone's going to catch on and react. And I, of all people, am the person most likely to recognize the meaning in what you say.

 

What are you talking about, you lunatic!?

 

Isn't it obvious? Don't you recognize me at all?

 

I don't see what you- wait a minute. I still see a shadow of that- of that unspeakably handsome face...

 

That's right, Crab Helmet. I am you!

 

You killed The Professor Young Boy and LASERHANDSMAN and you're actually Crab Helmet!? How is that supposed to make sense, you murderous madman!?

 

I changed my name to Salty, but yes, I am the person once called Crab Helmet. Specifically, I am from the future!

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

It's fairly simple, really. See, in the future, The Professor Young Boy got his Ph.D. in mad science and built you the Atomic Wave Ectoplasmic Synthesizer Of Magnificent Elements, a name made primarily for the acronym and which really just means that it can fuse two people together, incorporating aspects of one into the other. By that point, one of the old versions of Superman with incredibly inconsistent powersets was around, so you used the A.W.E.S.O.M.E. to fuse him into yourself, gaining such powerful but inconsistent superpowers, such as the invisibility I had when I arrived here. Anyhow, much later there was a terrible scandal - you were revealed to be an alt of Draco - and you were evicted from your own studio by the authorities and left with nothing, despised by all. So you used one of The Doctor Young Boy's inventions, F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. - I have no idea what it stood for, but it was basically a time machine - to go back in time and hijack your own series from yourself so that you could continue reviewing.

 

That makes no sense.

 

It couldn't be simpler.

 

So that's why you're here?

 

Not exactly. You see, when the original you went back in time to confront yourself, the version of Anten he encountered there performed a heroic sacrifice to save the life of the you who was there, but destroyed the studio in the process. To reclaim your review series, the second you then stole the F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. and went back to rob an even earlier you - namely me - killing Anten immediately upon arrival to negate any heroic sacrifices. (It's a good thing we have always loved to monologue, or I wouldn't know all of this.) But that I escaped with The Doctor Young Boy, who built a large bomb that leveled my stolen studio, along with himself and a nearby city. Fortunately, he first built me a copy of F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S., which I took back in time with me along with my surviving minions and A.W.E.S.O.M.E. to just before you wrote your twentieth review.

 

From there, it was simple. I decided to bide my time so that I, unlike the other versions of me, wouldn't screw this up, until we found Anten alone, being nice to the flowers or something equally daft. Using A.W.E.S.O.M.E., I fused one of my henchmen - Ryu, from You Are Number 6, a complete loser - into her to drain all of her powers. Then I just left one of my last two henchmen to guard her and kill her if you lot tried anything and came here with my last henchman, Grell - you remember Grell, don't you? I'm sure he doesn't remember you - to sneak in here with my temporary invisibility, knock you lot out with chloroform, and kill The Professor Young Boy so that he couldn't possibly be used against me the way I used him against the old you.

 

You call this simple? Unless you count the plot of Primer, I can hardly think of anything less simple. You're saying that several versions of us have gone back in time to kill and be killed by other versions of us, with our supporting casts dying like flies in the process? All of this over control of a bad fan fiction review series?

 

Pretty much. Does that mean you're going to surrender to me?

 

Not a chance.

 

Of course you won't. None of us ever has; we aren't the sort of person to do that. But it hardly matters. You two are at my mercy - you're only even still alive to fulfill the conditions of your contract so that the network doesn't shut me down, and even then I can renegotiate after the next episode for Season 2, so don't expect to last long - and your Deus Ex Machina characters are either dead or, in Anten's case, depowered and being held hostage. You lose; this series is all mine!

 

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: The season finale is a riffing of all the original-fiction nonsense that nobody cares about that I've made up in the Foe Fiction series.

 

That's because TVTropes is a decent site that tries to avoid references to shows that transcend crap' date=' such as Bleach.

[/quote']

 

I actually see Bleach referenced a lot on TVTropes.

 

As mean as you are' date=' I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol[/quote']

 

You call me mean? ;_; But actually, I'd actually be willing to help with this, when I get time.

 

Crab' date=' do you have a favourite Foe Fic?[/quote']

 

A favourite Foe Fic, or a favourite Foe Fiction review? If the former, easily Hopeless Paradise. If the latter, no, they all suck.

 

My fave so far was Kingdom Hearts: Reconnect.

 

Everything's been going downhill since The New Number 2? ;_;

 

That last review really reminds me of Linkara somehow... oh yeah, because of what you've been able to do while simultaneously keeping the formula of your series intact. Even though I couldn't keep up with it, but that's my problem.

[Womi]

Crab' date=' do you have a favourite Foe Fic?[/quote']

If the latter, no, they all suck.

 

Don't hustle modesty.

I know you have a favourite.

[Guest Ixigo]

Lol, this review was actually A.W.E.S.O.M.E. The little poem snippets were F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. in particular, and the command parts were E.X.C.E.L.L.E.N.T. But I thought there was going to be one more chapter in season 1?

 

'nyways. Looking forward to what's gonna happen to our cast and how they're going to get out of evil future Crab's clutches without Anten's power backing them up.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

I just like reconnect, you had a lot of great lines there. Also one of the only times making fun of misspellings has been hilarious.

[Brinolovania]

Great as usual. Just one complaint: HOW DARE YOU KILL LASERHANDSMAN?!?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!

[legolover09]

Poor LASERHANDMAN. I wonder if manshadow will save the day.

[Guest]

Poor LASERHANDMAN. I wonder if manshadow will save the day.

 

[spoiler=[b]SPOILER ALERT![/b]]He doesn't.

 

[Brinolovania]

Poor LASERHANDMAN. I wonder if manshadow will save the day.

 

[spoiler=[b]SPOILER ALERT![/b]]He doesn't.

 

 

You are a cruel man.

[Headmaster Monokuma]

ElectricalBeast is reading this story aloud.

 

a.k.a. the Jolteon of Let's Plays. That was awesome, but I will forever miss The Professor Young Boy. How dare you from the future kill him! LASERHANDMAN should have been quicker, but if he can shoot lasers from his hand, why did he have to get so close? Couldn't he just shoot him with a laser from far off? Or did I misread something?

[Guest]

ElectricalBeast is reading this story aloud.

 

a.k.a. the Jolteon of Let's Plays. That was awesome' date=' but I will forever miss The Professor Young Boy. How dare you from the future kill him! LASERHANDMAN should have been quicker, but if he can shoot lasers from his hand, why did he have to get so close? Couldn't he just shoot him with a laser from far off? Or did I misread something?

[/quote']

 

It has been established since LASERHANDSMAN's very first appearance (way back in The Magnificent 7, if memory serves me correctly) that, in order to kill people, he needs someone else to distract them while he sneaks up on them, to the point where his victims are always able to even respond with "Wh-" to being told they're being distracted before he kills them. (There were three previous instances of this.) It's pretty much just Rule Of Funny, but in the instances where he has his own text colour and is in my studio... my studio is obscenely messy. Yeah, let's go with that.

[Tortoise Kyle]

Why does this sound suspiciously like the plot of InFamous?

Anyway, this is hilarious. And don't even think about FFing mine, I already know exactly what's wrong with it.

[Guest]

Why does this sound suspiciously like the plot of InFamous?

 

Never played it (I only saw Yahtzee's review of it' date=' which said nothing about the plot), so coincidence?

 

Anyway, this is hilarious. And don't even think about FFing mine, I already know exactly what's wrong with it.

 

Don't worry; I only review those who give permission.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

When Season two happens, you should drop the guest characters for a while and just go back to the basics. Maybe re-accumulate characters as you find new lulzy ones.