Jump to content

Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 735
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

I didn't even catch that they were the same guy...

 

They have the same colour robe; they're probably supposed to be the same guy. I prefer to think that Paris is just copying LASERHANDSMAN's elegant fashion sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

Posted
Posted

 

As mean as you are' date=' I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol[/quote']

 

You call me mean? ;_; But actually, I'd actually be willing to help with this, when I get time.

 

quote=Crab Helmet]A favourite Foe Fic, or a favourite Foe Fiction review? If the former, easily Hopeless Paradise. If the latter, no, they all suck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

Posted
Posted

 

As mean as you are' date=' I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol[/quote']

 

You call me mean? ;_; But actually, I'd actually be willing to help with this, when I get time.

 

Seriously?

Never expected you to respond...kindly o.0

 

Ya..maybe drop me a PM some time? I'm always in need of help...I guess

 

A favourite Foe Fic, or a favourite Foe Fiction review? If the former, easily Hopeless Paradise. If the latter, no, they all suck.

 

 

...Awww....

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Umbra Newbie

Umbra

Posted
Posted

When Season two happens' date=' you should drop the guest characters for a while and just go back to the basics. Maybe re-accumulate characters as you find new lulzy ones.

[/quote']

 

Since they're pretty much all dead by now (poor Laserhandsman.) or captured by future!Crab (maybe even Season2!Crab), I don't see why that couldn't happen.

 

Then again, shouldn't future!Crab have undone his own existence in this time-line by killing The Professor Young Boy in this time-line?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Then again' date=' shouldn't future!Crab have undone his own existence in this time-line by killing The Professor Young Boy in this time-line?

[/quote']

 

Any time you introduce time travel to the past, you produce a stable time loop (in which events happened only because they already happened, with no way for the cycle to start and thus a paradox), some sort of divergent timeline thing (in which events negate their own causes, again causing a paradox), or something weirder than either of those (with a guaranteed paradox). Time travel in the Foe Fiction universe operates under whatever rules I feel like, but it's generally the divergent timeline one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

Posted
Posted

It's future CRAB we're talking about.

He almost rivals Chuck Norris and Wilford Brimley.

 

Salty is all awesome and stuff' date=' but he doesn't even get close to Brim's and Dunsparce's niveau.

[/quote']

 

Don't forget.

Crab CREATED Handlaserman.

;D

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Womi Newbie

Womi

Posted
Posted

It's future CRAB we're talking about.

He almost rivals Chuck Norris and Wilford Brimley.

 

Salty is all awesome and stuff' date=' but he doesn't even get close to Brim's and Dunsparce's niveau.

[/quote']

 

Don't forget.

Crab CREATED Handlaserman.

;D

 

Dunsparce uses Thunderwave!

Dunsparce uses Headbutt!

WilfBrim uses insulin injection!

 

Crab fainted

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Womi Newbie

Womi

Posted
Posted

As Weather Reports were around before Foe Fic' date=' would you mind if I reviewed stories in a format similar, if not entirely like that of Foe Fiction's? I won't steal your characters.

[/quote']

 

You could review members! =D

 

Yeah.....I know........

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Toffee. Newbie

Toffee.

Posted
Posted

I won't steal your characters.

FOOTLASERMAN!

 

He's still a future Crab' date=' just not [b']the[/b] future Crab.

Because in the future, the government created an army of clones that resemble Crab Helmet, are completely obedient, rest/tireless, and wear white armor that makes them look like Storm Trooper, while not being as awesome as the origional.

 

....Sort of like Jango Fett

(owait)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

And here we have it: the finale.

 

[spoiler=Atari 26 Hundred - {Pichu Reviews When Worlds Collide}]Come off it, future-me-Salty-person. This is my series.

 

I would appreciate it if you would not interrupt me during my review, Crab - and you too, Izzy. If you don't let me finish this review, I'm afraid I might have to have Anten executed. You wouldn't want that, would you?

 

Why, you b-

 

Crab. Shut up.

 

Listen to your friend. He gives good advice.

 

Now, what shall we examine today? Another Duel Academy story? A Naruto fanfic? No, there's nothing special there. This is the season finale, and the last one for which this Crab will still be alive! We need something special. I shall review... a review!

 

What, like we already did way back in 10 Little Indians?

 

That was mostly just a review of the original story, with Weather Report's brief review included as well as an added bonus. No, this time, we'll be focusing our review entirely on the review itself.

 

I'm pretty sure we never got permission to review any other review.

 

Oh, we don't need permission. First of all, it's written by -Pichu-, the misogynistic plagiarist, so nobody cares if we don't get his permission. Secondarily, his review is such a clone of Foe Fiction that it even has Ann 10 as a guest commentator who speaks with purple text, so we pretty much have automatic permission there. Sixth and lastly, I came here from the future to steal my own show from myself and kill several people; do you really think I'm going to care about journalistic ethics?

 

Now, to avoid confusion, here's how the colours will work. The original text of the story that -Pichu- was reviewing will be presented in plain italics. In keeping with the previous instance of a review being covered by Foe Fiction, -Pichu-'s words will be presented in blue italics, and his guest commentators will have their words presented in whatever colour they were originally printed in, but italicized. I'll be the only one in the studio talking - Crab and Izzy dare not speak, and Grell's forgotten how - so only my text is original to Foe Fiction. Anyhow, let's get started.

 

We start our first review with When World Collide.

 

Indeed, only one world is colliding here. It's good to see that -Pichu- put great effort into this so that he wouldn't end up botching the title of the story he's meant to be reviewing.

 

Episode 1-Laser Tag, You're It!/Part 1

 

We start the story with a retarded name...

 

Anyone who's ever heard of any Japanese show will tell you that that name is par for the course. SPOILER ALERT: The worst part is that this line here - "ur name is retarded lolololol" - is the best criticism -Pichu- delivers in the entire piece.

 

Welcome to Gameville. Yeah, the name’s kinda dumb,

 

NO! REALLY![/sarcasm]

 

And then he moves on to another urnameisdumb gag that consists purely of agreeing with exactly what the narrator just explicitly stated and requires the use of sarcasm tags, because those are totally classy.

 

but I had to call it something, and Videoland was already taken. So, here we are.

 

There was a Videoland.....

 

I swear that I'm not making this up - that line is actually written by -Pichu- as part of his review. Don't ask me what the point of that line was. Don't ask me why it was supposed to be funny. I don't understand it at all; I can only assume that this was written while -Pichu- was stoned out of his mind and reduced to just typing gibberish.

 

One day in Gameville, Jacob was walking down the street with his roommates, Torchic and Kirby. Everything seemed normal enough;

 

Yeah! Real normal! You're walking down the street with a black hole and a Pokemon. That's normal alright!

 

Remember that story that mentioned a Grand War of the Elements - I'm pretty sure I reviewed that before the point where I came back to steal this show - where I spent several paragraphs harping about what a stupid name that was for a war and about how it made no sense for a world where elements were used everywhere to name a war after the elements, because elements would be as common to them as, say, vehicles are to us? The point of all that was that you need to remember how things would be viewed not by inhabitants of our world but by inhabitants of the story's world to properly gauge their thoughts and actions.

 

Here, -Pichu- has not done that. He sees someone walking with Torchic and Kirby, so he reacts with ZOMGNOTNORMAL. But the whole point is that, in Gameville, walking around with video game characters is perfectly normal. Is Jacob supposed to think it's unusual for him to be walking with his roommates? According to -Pichu-, he should.

 

Similarly, -Pichu- would doubtlessly complain if a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic had a major card game tournament in it because there's no way anyone would care that much about card games and it's completely sensible to expect characters to react to events as if they were raised in our world and then suddenly transported to the fictional world when the story begins.

 

The sky was partly cloudy, the plants were carnivorous, plumbers jumped on mushrooms with eyes,

 

I believe their names are, M and L.

 

-Pichu- is a brilliant reviewer who really adds to the reading experience with comments like this, where he figures out what nobody else ever could: that the plumbers jumping on mushrooms with eyes in a world of video game characters might just possibly be Mario and Luigi. He seems to believe that the reviewer's job is to point out things that everyone with half a brain can plainly see. Either that, or he's stupid enough to think that the Mario reference needed to be pointed out because nobody would notice it without his fabulous guidance. Either way, this is a terrible excuse for a review and -Pichu- is a moron.

 

and guys without arms could carry stuff.

 

WHOOP-DE-DA! Give `em a prize!

 

This is like some giant stealth advertisement for Foe Fiction. It's like it's designed to be as lousy a review as possible so that everyone will see how great Foe Fiction is by comparison.

 

Then they heard the familiar call of “Eggs tree! Eggs tree!” It was Homestar. He was doing his part time job as a newspaper boy. He stopped next to Jacob and chucked a newspaper at them, and ran off.

 

Nice town. All you need is an emo Pikachu and Gameland or whatever is perfect!

 

Again with the comments that don't critique the story and couldn't possibly be considered funny by anyone.

 

Bear in mind that Foe Fiction is variously described as a "riffing", "review", and "commentary", but -Pichu-'s series is called nothing but "review". Despite that, most of his comments seem to be nonsense like this that contribute nothing to anything but in particular contribute nothing to actually reviewing the story. So far, the only thing actually resembling reviewing that he's done so far consisted of calling a couple of names stupid. It's like he's trying to write a review series without bothering with the bit where you do any actual reviewing. Look, if you can't review, then don't write the review series!

 

Jacob picked it up. “Whoa, there’s going to be a Lasertag championship in 3 weeks!” Said Jacob.

 

Lasertag.... lasertag.... Why can't it be something better like..... OH! Ann 10 comes to town!

 

That's right. -Pichu-'s full response is that Lasertag isn't as good as Ann 10 showing up. Look, I honestly can't do much more than echo what -Pichu-'s saying in these parts because it's just so bad that I can't even describe how bad it is. His idea of reviewing is to say that the storyline would be better (for some arbitrary reason he never explains) if a character from an unrelated fanfic who isn't from a video game and thus would be completely out of place in Gameville were to show up. For comparison, imagine if I spent all of my reviews doing nothing but saying things like, "Card games? This would be so much better if it were Sailor Moon instead."

 

“It seems like you’re hyped”, said Torchic,

 

HOLY S*** IT TALKS! But wait... I'm a Pichu and I can talk. What do you think Ann?

 

HOLY S*** IT TALKS!

 

Well she is a human!

 

Where should I start?

 

First, -Pichu-, someone who has been caught plagiarizing (and then lying about it even after being caught) in the past, claims that his review series is not a ripoff of Foe Fiction when it has Ann 10 as a guest commentator who speaks in purple text. Granted, he changed screwed up the exact shade of purple - compare his Anten to my Anten - but that doesn't stop it from being about as obvious a copy as you can get without using Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. Especially since -Pichu- has previously had a story murdered on Foe Fiction, so it's not like he can feign ignorance of Foe Fiction's exact details or anything like that.

 

Second, -Pichu-, someone whose misogyny was a major focus of the last review, has brought in a female character to, um, repeat what he just said and act surprised that someone who has been speaking all along is talking. She doesn't improve later in the "review", either - though admittedly her stupidity could just result from -Pichu- writing her dialogue, leaving her with the same stupidity as everyone else (-Pichu- not excepted) speaking in this piece.

 

Third, the Foe Fiction guest commentators may not have had a very deep personality, but they at least had some basic characteristics. Not so in -Pichu-'s review, where the guest commentators have no distinguishing features whatsoever - they're essentially -Pichu-'s normal words given a different colour for no reason other than that he saw Foe Fiction do it and decided to copy it.

 

Fourth, just look at that last line about Ann 10 being a human. It was presumably intended to be funny. I will say no more.

 

Fifth, giving Pokémon the ability to speak in fanfics somehow isn't that uncommon in general, but it's especially bizarre to complain about it in a massive crossover where Torchic was already stated to be someone's roommate. That puts -Pichu-'s running total for things that actually belong in a pure review at four: a complaint about a name being stupid when it really isn't stupid (with no reason to explain why it's stupid given, in contrast to things like the Grand War of the Elements complaint); a complaint about a name being stupid that is already called stupid in-universe (again with no reason given); a complaint that people in a world of video game characters should find video game characters unusual; and a complaint that Torchic can speak when there's no reason the author shouldn't be able to say he can speak in this universe.

 

Why, -Pichu-? What's the point of this? You're not good at reviewing. Less than half of what you've said belongs in a review, and none of that half is actually a legitimate complaint, and the other half of what you've said is random nonsense that isn't even funny. Why are you writing this? Why do you think you can write this? Why are you even here?

 

who had the ability to speak English after a run-in with Iggy Koopa. “It’s just too bad you got kicked off the Lasertag team last year.”

 

YOU WERE KICKED OFF!

 

And now he's reverted to repeating what the text just said. Brilliant.

 

Jacob chose that time to have a brain fart. “Wha-?!” He asked. “Don’t you remember what happened last year?” Replied Kirby.

 

No we don't, marshmallow! TELL US!

 

-Pichu- has never before seen a fictional work in which one character asks another what happened as a lead-in for the audience to see what happened at that time. I can't understand how this can be true and yet -Pichu- can still have internet access.

 

Of course, as with everything in this pitiful excuse for a review, it's worse than that. -Pichu- wants Kirby to tell Jacob something that Jacob already knows so that the audience can hear it. That's right. You know that As You Know thing I complain about once every couple of Foe Fiction commentaries where characters tell each other things that they both already know for no in-universe reason so that the author can provide exposition to the audience? You know how I'm always talking about how that's bad, lazy writing that forces the characters to act irrationally? That's what -Pichu- actually wants to happen here. He thinks that what this story really needs is characters telling each other things they already know for the audience to hear. As such, he not only fails to perform his duties as a reviewer but also actively encourages habits of bad writing. That's how bad this is.

 

Then Jacob had a vivid flashback of the moment: In Gameville, the Lasertag rules state that if a Team Captain gets gunned down, that team loses. Jacob was the team captain,

 

Smart idea! Giving the human the spot of team captain!

 

Assuming that this is sarcasm, that's... wow. That's actually one decent criticism - it really doesn't make sense for an ordinary person to be given the most critical role on the team when he doubtlessly has the least evasive capacity. I'm astounded. -Pichu- actually said something fairly sane that properly criticizes the story. I'm truly shocked.

 

but Rayman was the brains behind him. Rayman explained their plan. “All right, we’re gonna have Kirby and Mario flank left while me and Jacob head straight. I’ll take off from Jacob to cover his rear while Link helps Jacob gun down Bowser. So Tails, how’s our plan?”

 

Bowser is an easy target! He's FAT!

 

And then he rests on his own laurels and repeats pretty much the same criticism, forgetting that the changed context makes it rather less valid in this instance - Bowser has historically shown to have good evasive ability, such as when he teleported around in Super Mario 64 or quickly slid all over the small planets in Super Mario Galaxy.

 

Don't get a swell head over making one decent comment, -Pichu-. A decent review is made of nothing but decent comments, and your review - with only one - is still just plain awful.

 

Tails stepped up. “Our chances of success are about 2,846 to 1.”

 

So you have a human, a bunny killer, a black hole, a plumber, a warrior, and a fox with two tails. GREAT TEAM! Not...

 

"I am horrified that a team of people in a world of video game characters could be composed of various video game characters! For some arbitrary reason that I never bother to explain, I deem this to be stupid!"

 

I'm retracting the minor credit I gave -Pichu- for making one decent comment. It's pretty obvious that he's just blindly calling everything that happens stupid without any reason at all, and he just happened to get lucky that one time when the thing he said was stupid actually was stupid. Remember that I was the only person who gave any actual explanation of why it was stupid - he just did his usual thing of restating what just happened and then calling it stupid without saying why. This is not how reviewing is supposed to work - it's like non-constructive criticism, except it's so non-constructive and thrown around so randomly that it doesn't even qualify as that. -Pichu-, you're so awful that you can't even do non-constructive criticism properly. This isn't a review. Your review count is zero. None of these count. None of these are reviews.

 

“That’s better than we usually do”, said Rayman.

 

Jacob (Who had been daydreaming that he was in the bathroom)

 

Gross... just gross....

 

You may have noticed that Fake!Anten hasn't shown up again since that time when -Pichu- decided to ignore the story in favour of talking about how much better the story would be if its entire premise were dropped and it were replaced by Ann 10 showing up, then had her show up to say one line (with no personality at all, natch). She seems to have mysteriously vanished; knowing -Pichu-, she's probably busy screaming over lost earrings or making him dinner in the kitchen or something.

 

suddenly shouted “All right, time’s up chumps, let’s do this!” He grabbed his gun in his hand, and as he bolted out he shouted at the top of his lungs “LEERRROOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!”

 

Leeroy Jenkins?

 

I have no idea who he is.

 

Oh, she's back - just in time to parrot -Pichu- himself again because women can't say anything original, and just in time to continue to display her utter lack of a unique personality. Now that she's here I wish she were gone again.

 

Meanwhile, -Pichu- reveals that he doesn't know who Leeroy Jenkins is but still feels qualified to do reviews on the internet. That's sort of like the Green Goblin deciding that he feels qualified to be the head of S.H.I.E.L.D.; any positive feedback -Pichu- receives for his lousy reviews is sort of like the rest of the Marvelverse agreeing with that assessment. (Fortunately, -Pichu- has received virtually no positive feedback, proving that YCM actually isn't quite as stupid as the Marvel populace.)

 

He was barely 10 yards away from his team when he tripped on thin air. No, it wasn’t air- It was Larry Koopa, Bowser’s 2nd youngest child.

 

With who?

 

I honestly can't think of a less appropriate time to answer the question of the Koopalings' parentage - which has gone unanswered in the canon Mario series for twenty-two years so far - than the middle of a game of laser tag.

 

As Larry aimed his gun, he taunted, “The force is strong with you, Jacob, but you are not a Jedi yet.” Bang.

 

I thought he was a koopa, not Yoda!

 

-Pichu-, it's a reference. You see, Star Wars is kind of a fairly-well known series, so the author here is making a reference to it because people will get the joke. Yes, I know that when you copy someone's dialogue it's because you're copying the whole character as well (SUBTLE PLAGIARISM JOKE), but that's not how good actual writers work.

 

Then Jacob snapped back into the present. "No, I don't", he lied. “That figures”, said an unbelieving Kirby.

 

It just hit me that Kirby can't talk ether.

 

It's a video game world of video game characters! There's no reason they shouldn't be able to talk in this universe!

 

Not to mention that anyone who's played Super Smash Bros knows that Kirby can at least say "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!"

 

Jacob is roommates are two characters who can't talk.

 

10/10 quality writing here. A++ review. Would read again. Specifically, would read again at a Vogon Poetry Convention.

 

And he thinks he can magicly make them talk?!?!

 

YES. What part of "this is a world of video game characters where they are just like regular people" is so difficult for you to understand? There is no reason that the author can't decide that his crossover universe enables all characters to speak normally.

 

Just then, Mega Man and his sister, Roll, walked by.

 

First humans, then talking Pokemon, the walking gumball, the mean paperboy, and now robots....

 

-Pichu-'s average comment consists of repeating what just happened and then acting like it's bizarre for a video game crossover universe to contain characters from many video games. My average comment consists of many, many tears of agony.

 

I'm going to repeat the question I reserve for only the most horribly awful of works: What is worse than this? What could possibly be worse than a review like this in which the reviewer makes an idiot of himself and doesn't do any actual reviewing?

 

(And please don’t ask me to explain Roll’s name, I’m not in the mood.) “Hey guys!” Said Mega Man. “What’s up?” Roll walked over and saw the article in the newspaper about the Lasertag championship. “This is about the Leeroy Jacob incident, isn’t it?” She said.

 

Now it's Leeroy Jacob? What happened to Leeroy Jenkins?

 

No, you idiot, it's a joke because his name is Jacob but he shouted Leeroy Jenkins because it's a reference to a World of Warccraft video where Leeroy Jenkins charged in blindly and ruined everything and I HATE THIS THING I HATE IT I HATE IT

 

Note how every single one of Ann 10's lines in this pitiful excuse for a review is completely devoid of any actual personality. They would all read exactly the same if they were just in normal (or blue in my transcription's care) text and were spoken by -Pichu- directly instead; in fact, in such a case, you could never tell that there was ever supposed to be a guest reviewer, and turning any random lines from the review purple would have exactly the same effect. There is no reason whatsoever for there to be a guest reviewer here save the fact that -Pichu- is copying Foe Fiction and Foe Fiction has guest reviewers.

 

Before they even had a chance to answer, Roll continued. “Well, good news for Jacob; The legislation was passed so that people cannot get kicked off the team, so Jacob’s back in.”

 

No can get kicked off but Jacob.

 

Sorry, guys, I can't even tell what this line is supposed to mean. It makes so little sense that -Pichu- must have misread not actually read the original text. All I can say for certain is that it contributes nothing to anything and provides more evidence (as if we actually needed more evidence) that -Pichu- is a moron and shouldn't even be attempting this.

 

Jacob, Kirby, and Torchic had a simultaneous “WHA-?!”

 

Can't talk!!!

 

THEY CAN TALK IN THIS UNIVERSE YOU MORON I HATE THIS THING I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

 

The look in Mega Man’s eyes made it clear he wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea either. “Hey don’t look at me, it was Roll’s idea to ask Dedede

 

How in hell did I get in the story!?!?!

 

Indeed, what is a video game character doing in a world populated entirely by a variety of video game characters!? That's absurd! This story is just so nonsensical and wacky, guys, I just can't handle it!

 

Ah, well. See you in 3 weeks.” Both of the androids left.

 

Back to the human and the two who can't talk.

 

In his next comment, I'm guessing -Pichu- complains that Kirby does not exist in the same universe as Torchic, which means that this whole story is just stupid.

 

Once they were out of earshot, Mega Man decided to mess with Roll a little bit. “You just suggested that to Dedede because you like Jacob!” Roll blushed. “Wha- No I don’t!”

 

Here-here! Here-Here! To the people and talking gum of my land! Roll likes Jacob!

 

What.

 

Oh Dedede!

 

Isn't he funny?

 

No. No, he isn't funny. The only thing that could be less funny than watching -Pichu- make Dedede act like a moron is watching -Pichu- make his author-insertion clones of himself talk about how funny his author-insertion clones of himself are. -Pichu- laughs at his own jokes and then adds other characters he controls to laugh at his own jokes because he's classy like that. (This is why my author-insertion clones of myself spend their time insulting each others' writing instead.)

 

Mega Man smirked. “That’s fine, your secrets safe with me!” Roll groaned, then blushed some more.

 

Meanwhile, one of them awkward silences fell upon Jacob and his friends. Kirby broke the silence after a full 2 minutes. “Welp, we’re boned.”

 

They're not talking! YAY!

 

That's it; I can't take any more of this. I'm done.

 

Fortunately, so is -Pichu-.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to my guest stars, King Dedede and Ann Tennyson!

 

Seriously. That's it. It ends right there. There's no final opinion given of the story. There's no rating. There's no positive or negative recommendation. There's no conclusion. There's just the story ending and then -Pichu- wandering off.

 

This doesn't even qualify as a review. -Pichu-'s commentary consisted of three elements: calling random things stupid; calling everything fundamental to the concept of a crossover (like talking characters and multiple characters from video games) stupid; and random shenanigans that were presumably intended to be funny but that weren't and that contributed nothing. The actual "review" aspect seems to be missing here. No positive or negative criticism was given. No conclusion was reached. This was nothing but -Pichu- jumping around like a monkey. There was no final summary because -Pichu- had written nothing to summarize.

 

If you're masochistic enough to actually pay attention to -Pichu-'s horrible comments, you'll see that he doesn't seem to actually pay attention to the story at all. He latches on to several random tangential things like the Leeroy Jenkins business or the thing about Jacob being on or off the team, but the actual story (which isn't exactly deep or hard to follow) completely evades him. Here's what happened: in the past, Jacob screwed up as captain of a laser tag team and was kicked off the team, but in the present, a new competition has started and he's been brought back to the team by Roll. All of this was of course completely ignored by -Pichu-, who was far too busy complaining about Torchic and Kirby being able to speak. It's like he got to the point where he made that brilliant and totally on-topic comment about how laser tag wasn't as cool as RANDOM ANN 10 VISIT and then literally decided to stop paying attention to the story thereafter. Come on, how do you screw up "Let's review a story" so badly by omitting both the story and the review!?

 

The qualifications for writing a fanfic - write something worth reading - aren't that strenuous, but YCM still seems to fall short of that mark. The qualifications for writing a review are different - you need to be able to write something worth reading about another work, so you need to be good enough that you can bring something interesting to the table.

 

We've seen -Pichu-'s attempt at attempting to pass the fanfic mark. It was a disaster. He failed not only at writing something worth reading but also, through plagiarism, at writing something at all, which is about as terrible a fail as is possible in the known universe. Somehow, he took that as an indication that he was skilled enough to go on to review the works of others. The result throws into serious question whether he is skilled enough to even read the works of others.

 

Don't write the review series, -Pichu-! You're not good at it! You can't do it! You've proven that you can't do it! You're not even trying! Look at this! You can't possibly think this is good! You can't possibly think this is worth reading! You're terrible! You're stealing all but the actual text of your review from Foe Fiction and you're still terrible! Give up! Stop reviewing! Stop writing! Stop typing! Stop reading! Stop using YCM! Stop using the internet! You have horribly screwed up on a website where the average user is a ten-year-old kid making overpowered fake trading cards! That's like being in a special-ed class and being told that, nope, sorry, you're too stupid and you're going to have to leave! This is awful! All of this is awful! You're awful! Get out of here! Cut rotten pieces of the apple! Fall into a hole with not end! Just go! Leave! Begone, foul beast! When you're unspeakably awful by YCM's standards, something is very wrong!

 

I'm not trying to say that I am the One True Reviewer and everyone else should just go away because they cannot possibly match my brilliant reviewing. All I'm asking is for here some minimum level of Not Sucking As Much As -Pichu-. But look at this! You were bewildered by the very concept of a crossover! You failed to do any actual reviewing! Your writing was utterly worthless on every conceivable level! It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

 

This concludes the only decent review that will ever be posted in your thread.

 

And... cut. Kill the cameras, Grell - we don't want anyone to see this. Well, gentlemen, it's been fun ending your season with you, but I'm afraid I can now renegotiate our contract so that the two of you are no longer required to exist, so I'm afraid you're going to have to die now. It may sound harsh, but with all of this time-travel, we've all killed each other several times before anyhow.

 

You-!

 

Don't waste your time struggling with your bonds; escape is strictly impossible, I assure you. Any last words? I'm afraid I won't be calling you a preacher or whoever you're supposed to call when someone's about to die.

 

I'll give you last words. You're a lousy reviewer and you'll never be any match for me.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how confusing that gets, since I used to be you anyhow.

 

Your skills have become unspeakably weak. But you're still several orders of magnitude better than -Pichu-.

 

You damn me with faint praise, my former self. I hope that when I die, my last words are better than yours. Well, goodb-

 

I have a last question.

 

Oh, do you?

 

Anten's dead, isn't she?

 

Eh? No, of course not. She's my hostage. What makes you say that?

 

If she were really your hostage and depowered as you claimed, you wouldn't have left her elsewhere, guarded by some unnamed associate of yours. You'd have brought her here with us, so you could guard us all together and make her far more useful as a hostage. Since you didn't but she hasn't shown up, you must have killed her!

 

Okay, fine, I fibbed a bit. I was afraid she might get back her powers at some point, so I couldn't risk letting her live - after all, my own superpowers that I gained using A.W.E.S.O.M.E. are horribly inconsistent, and though that's probably because they were taken from someone with inconsistent powers, I didn't want to take any chances. That's the problem with the inventions of mad scientists, isn't it? They're mad, and tend to go horribly wrong. Killing her was perfectly logi-

 

You. Killed. Anten.

 

Yes, I killed Anten. Now, goodbye. *stab*

 

You...

 

Now, on to you, former-me. I'm afra-

 

YOU. KILLED. ANTEN!

 

What the- no, those bonds should have been unbreakable! you can't-

 

YOU DESTROYED THE MOST PERFECT BEING IN THIS UNIVERSE!

 

Arrggghh, I-

 

HOW DARE YOU EVEN SPEAK HER NAME-

 

You can't-

 

WITH THOSE FILTHY LIPS OF YOUR-

 

AHHHH! My leg-

 

FOR YOU TO HAVE DESECRATED ANTEN-

 

Get off, it h-

 

AND TO THEN USE HER FRIENDSHIP WITH OTHERS-

 

My arms-

 

AS A WEAPON FOR YOUR DIRTY SCHEMES-

 

It hurts-

 

TO THINK THAT YOU ARE WORTHY-

 

ARRGGHHH!

 

TO EVEN EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE AFTER YOU-

 

No, no, no-

 

HAVE YOU NO SHAME!?

 

I can't-

 

ALLLLLLL HAAAIIIILLLLLLLLL AANNNNNTTTEEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I think I'm- no- it's-

 

...I think I'm finished...

 

Of course... I should have realized...

 

You... you........ you... mon... ster.... you...!!! ... I... An........ ten............... you........................ ru.............. ined.................. ev........ e......... r......... y......... t......... h....... i.................... n..................... g....................

 

In... reviews........ of... bad... shonen.... fics... I... I... for........ got............... the........................ pow.............. er.................. of........ fr......... i......... e......... n......... d....... s........ h........... i................. p........................

 

Izzy! Izzy!

 

...

 

Ah, Grell, is that you over there? Come over here; I need your help. Yes, of course you're on my side. I seem to be in a spot of bother here; would you mind taking that knife from my future self and cutting me free of these ropes? Excellent. Thank you, Grell. I'll be taking that knife. Now, let's go check these bodies.

 

Izzy's... dead, I'm afraid. The knife must have hit something important. Future-me... well, he's alive. I suppose his inconsistent powers must have given him healing or something at the last moment. He's still unconscious, though. I should probably kill him, but I'm horribly confused around how time-travel works, and I'm worried that killing him now will kill me in the future when I come back to the past. Or something. But I need to get him out of the way, and eventually his inconsistent powers will give him the ability to overpower me unless I opt for a permanent solution. I don't- wait, is that A.W.E.S.O.M.E. on the floor there?

 

Goodbye, Grell.

 

Excellent. I've successfully incorporated Grell into my future self. Now, at the very least, he won't remember any of this, so he won't be coming after me again. And to get him away from here... he must have stored F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. around here somewhere, right? Ah, here it is. I'll just throw him in here and send him off to a random time - and this mini-bomb will detonate afterward, destroying the machinery so that he can't come back. (Why is there a mini-bomb in my studio? It really is messy in here.) Hopefully, in another time with no memory, he - I - will be a much better and rather less murderous person. Goodbye, Salty.

 

FIN

 

 

 

EPILOGUE

 

LASERHANDSMAN went on to star in his own series on Fox.

 

Fox canceled it after four episodes.

 

Anten went on to become the most powerful being in the universe.

 

Batman sued for copyright infringement.

 

Izzy went back to the Digital World.

 

He remained there so long that he became a Digimon himself.

 

The Professor Young Boy became a professor of mathematics at MIT.

 

He still teaches sixth-grade English.

 

LASERHANDSMAN went on to star in another series of his own on Adult Swim.

 

Fox somehow canceled that one too.

 

And as for Future Crab/Salty...

 

MORE EPILOGUE - IN THE PAST

 

Ugh... where am I? I... who am I? I can't remember... anything. What's going on here? I should be able to remember. I seem to be injured. Clothes badly damaged. But I'm healing too quickly for it to be normal. And I feel unusual... power inside me. Where is this? I'm sitting in what looks like the wreck of some crazy machine. I must... I must be a superhero! That's the best explanation. I must have fought a mad scientist who used this device to wipe my memory before I destroyed it. But that won't stop me from being a superhero! From now on, I shall call myself... Captain R!

 

 

 

At last, I'm free! ...until Season 2.

 

So' date=' in other words, the moment Future!Crab killed The Professor Young Boy, he stopped being from the future and instead became a person of his own rather than a future Crab.

 

I can live with that.

[/quote']

 

He's still from a future; just a different future.

 

As Weather Reports were around before Foe Fic' date=' would you mind if I reviewed stories in a format similar, if not entirely like that of Foe Fiction's? I won't steal your characters.

[/quote']

 

As long as your reviews don't suck, of course. You can even use the same format; every review is going to use some permutation of italics and colours to distinguish the story from the commentary, so it's going to be pretty similar anyhow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Must say it was fantastic' date=' Crabby. More surprising than the fact that you reviewed a review, the story in your reviews is actually more interesting than most of the stories you reviewed.

 

[b']Whoa, this is getting meta.[/b]

 

The Season 2 premier is me reviewing the meta-story from Season 1.

 

Also, the best thing about the meta-story being a meta-story that comes with the reviews rather than a story on its own is that it can be pretty stupid and I can invoke Rule of Cool/Funny/etc or MST3K Mantra as much as I like. ^_^

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

I hate time loops' date=' but I'm actually okay with this one.

[/quote']

 

This one is worse than normal in that it contradicts the rules of time travel that have been observed thus far but better than normal in that it's not exactly the sort of thing you're supposed to take seriously anyhow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...