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Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
in Creative Writing

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Pichu Newbie

Pichu

Posted
Posted

im trying to help you find more foefics! you suck crabby

 

No' date=' seriously, you don't understand. I don't just think you're a bad writer. I despise everything about you personally. I am disgusted by the fact that you haven't been shot yet. Everything you stand for is despicable. And nothing could make me happier than to know that you think I "suck". Now get the bloody hell out of my website.

[/quote']

i have been shot. and im 12. i've also been tazered and i was stabbed, twice. please just make fun of Ken 10 so i can laugh!

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CarlinFan Newbie

CarlinFan

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Posted

im trying to help you find more foefics! you suck crabby

 

No' date=' seriously, you don't understand. I don't just think you're a bad writer. I despise everything about you personally. I am disgusted by the fact that you haven't been shot yet. Everything you stand for is despicable. And nothing could make me happier than to know that you think I "suck". Now get the bloody hell out of my website.

[/quote']

i have been shot. and im 12. i've also been tazered and i was stabbed, twice. please just make fun of Ken 10 so i can laugh!

Really. You've been stabbed twice, tasered, and shot. Now why the hell should we believe you, and what does this have to do with anything? And if I were you, I wouldn't be telling Crab what to do; but then again, I'm not you. Unlike you, I have more brain cells than I can count with one hand (that is, if you could count, which I find highly doubtful). Just get the f*** off of this thread.

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

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im trying to help you find more foefics! you suck crabby

 

No' date=' seriously, you don't understand. I don't just think you're a bad writer. I despise everything about you personally. I am disgusted by the fact that you haven't been shot yet. Everything you stand for is despicable. And nothing could make me happier than to know that you think I "suck". Now get the bloody hell out of my website.

[/quote']

i have been shot. and im 12. i've also been tazered and i was stabbed, twice. please just make fun of Ken 10 so i can laugh!

 

I WONDER WHY!

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Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

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Is it just me or did a 12-year-old kid who claims to have been shot, stabbed and tazered just say that the only light in his misery would be a person he doesn't know making fun about a story written by a person he doesn't know on an internet website?

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Red_Gengar Newbie

Red_Gengar

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im trying to help you find more foefics! you suck crabby

 

No' date=' seriously, you don't understand. I don't just think you're a bad writer. I despise everything about you personally. I am disgusted by the fact that you haven't been shot yet. Everything you stand for is despicable. And nothing could make me happier than to know that you think I "suck". Now get the bloody hell out of my website.

[/quote']

 

Ban him.

 

Is it just me or did a 12-year-old kid who claims to have been shot' date=' stabbed and tazered just say that the only light in his misery would be a person he doesn't know making fun about a story written by a person he doesn't know on an internet website?

[/quote']

 

Let's ban him so he can get a life!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I'd like to thank whoever suggested a relationship between Izzy and Ann. That was genius.

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IT WAS THE BEST OF STORIES, IT WAS THE WORST OF STORIES

 

[spoiler=4 And 20 Blackbirds - {Shattered Union; Rise Of The Regulants}]Our twenty-fourth subject will be Union of Justice .:Book 2:. ~Shattered Union; Rise Of The Regulants~ by .:Abarai Renji:..

 

Before we begin, I should mention that I've been informed via PM that .:Abarai Renji:. (who I'm going to call AR from now on because I'll either misspell it or get sick of typing those punctuation symbols) is Swedish, so English isn't his first language, but each sentence is still checked and double-checked. Guys, this chap isn't even a native speaker of English, and his writing is still going to doubtlessly be better than that of most Foe Fic authors.

 

The story opens with a Chapter Plot that I have no intention of reading, even though this is a sequel to something I haven't read, but I think it's mostly about this story and not a recap of the previous story, so there's no point in me reading it for background anyhow. If I can't figure out the plot from the story itself, I shouldn't be required to read the supplemental materials like Chapter Plot to explain things to me that the text should be able to directly. Then there's some character bios, which I'm also skipping.

 

We'll begin with the-

 

Anten's not here.

 

Eh?

 

I think she's off saving the universe or making friends with bunny rabbits or something. Anyhow, she's not back yet.

 

Well, we can't wait for her; the cameras are rolling already. The three of us will handle this one. Prologue, start!

 

Boredom.

 

AR summarizes what we would have felt if we had actually read Chapter Plot and the character bios.

 

Too many times has it struck this young man, as he sat there in front of his Windows Vista Laptop.

 

I bolded your problem for your convenience.

 

He was bored out of his mind, and sorta sappy about his situation. He was doing bad in school,

 

Why are shonen protagonists, chessmasters notwithstanding, always book-dumb?

 

That's not a serious question; I know why. It's because authors can't risk alienating any of their target audience. If the hero is smarter than the reader, there is a risk that the reader will feel insulted and cease to be a reader. But it still creates a bizarre equation of goodness and stupidity that I really can't condone.

 

his classmates always teased him by calling him "girl" or "lady" just because of the fact he had hair down to his shoulders, colored in a mixture of blond & brown.

 

Finally, the cute bishonen guys I demanded eleven reviews ago have shown up!

 

Still, I really can't imagine people calling a guy "girl" or "lady" for a reason like that - or, really, for just about any similar reason. To me, what the description brings to mind is some kind of seventies rock star, which is just plain awesome; I'm going to be picturing this guy as some hybrid of John Lennon and Rick Wakeman. Maybe it's a translation thing and it makes more sense in the original Swedish (though I'd always pictured all Swedish guys as looking like that by default, mainly because the only Swedish guys I've really seen are the ones in ABBA).

 

A sigh passed his lips as he opened his Account on YCM, scrolling through the Fan Fic and RP Sections rather quickly.

 

I see. He's failing school because he's intended to be such a direct stand-in for the reader that he even visits YCM. I'd object to that were it not for the fact that working at Foe Fiction has taught me that being book-dumb is almost certainly a reasonable characteristic to ascribe to most people who visit the Fan Fic section.

 

"Nothing..." he said for himself.

 

"Then he looked again and realized that Crab Helmet had come out with 4 And 20 Blackbirds, and he ran away went to read it immediately and his boredom was made several times worse cured!"

 

This young man's name was Fredrik Lindell. He was all alone, except for his MSN buds.

 

I'm not sure what I was expecting from this story, but I certainly wasn't expecting a tragedy.

 

He had a few, most of them were buds from YCM.

 

If this guy doesn't even have real friends to speak of to care about him, why should I?

 

Yes, I know it's fun to joke about how YCM users are all stupid friendless losers who et cetera et cetera et cetera, but the joke's been rather run into the ground by this point, and spending approximately one paragraph in total on it seems rather unnecessary.

 

But somehow, one of them was the "ass" of the group, always joking with him about things he didn't see as jokes. Fredrik thought he was just what he said he was; an ass. But then again, that was his decision.

 

Wait a minute. In this story, there's some negative guy on YCM who constantly and deliberately makes fun of things that other people take seriously and generally acts like a total jerk? This is me! I'm in this story! THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER.

 

Fred' had more positive pals anyways, like Hatake Kakashi, AKA Kevin.

 

Wait a minute, I don't even get a name in this story!? That does it, just for that I'm going to say that THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER, regardless of its actual quality. Well, actually, second-worst; I'll keep that sexist Ash/Dawn story at the very bottom.

 

This was double-proofread but that random apostrophe was still left in? I don't see how this could be a translation problem.

 

Fabulous, we have a guy whose real name is Kevin who goes by an exaggeratedly Japanese name. Look, when the best example of a good friend you have is someone you met online who probably sprinkles random Japanese words into his speech, you really are alone. And what makes you think you can win - or even have motivation to win - without friends to fight for?

 

Fredrik sighed again, and looked into his computer screen, just zoning out.

 

I do this all the time while typing these reviews.

 

Suddenly, as he looked closer, he saw that the screen was digitalizing, and surrounding him as well. "W-What the hell?" he exclaimed, and tried to struggle free from the energy holding him, but in vain. Then, he felt himself dissolve.

 

I really want to know what that feels like. What sensation does one have that makes one react with the thought that, "Oh, I guess I'm feeling myself dissolve," anyhow? I'm guessing it's something like pins and needles.

 

It's true.

 

Thanks for confirming that the disembodied narrator didn't just tell us a total lie for no reason at all. Sadly, this being a completely true story (which it obviously is) makes it ineligible to be in this section; I'll move it to Fan Non-Fic immediately.

 

He dissolved into small particles, and was sucked into the computer. As the chaos was over, all that was left was a young man's Laptop...in an empty room.

 

I remember seeing this happen in Super Mario Sunshine.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

So far, it's a fairly generic reader-surrogate-gets-randomly-sucked-into-adventure setup, albeit with a more direct reader surrogate than most. Done well, it could end up a good story; done badly, it will be cliché and boring. Let's see what happens.

 

"Oi, think he will wake up?"

 

"Most plausible, though I believe the shock will rather knock him out again."

 

"Nah, c'mon now! He will wake up!"

 

FIVE MINUTES AGO: "Alright, guys, be sure to explicitly mention in every sentence that what we are referring to is whether or not he will wake up. If we don't remind the reader of that every line, they might get confused."

 

Fredrik was hearing voices all around him, and he opened his eyes, and saw that he was in a laying position. Above him, he saw three persons look at him;

 

One was dressed in a white jacket with black trims all over it, black jeans and grey sneakers. His hair was white, and his eyes red. His arms were covered in bandages, and weren't visible.

 

White uniform. White hair. Red eyes. Bandaged arms.

 

31N9W17ZFTL.jpg

 

I'm in a story alongside a cute Swedish bishonen and a male version of Rei. THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER.

 

Another had brown jeans with dragon scales painted at the feet, and had black shoes. His T-shirt/vest was white, and he had brown hair, an enigmatic smile hanging on his lips. The third was dressed in a red T-shirt, jeans, and a Camo fleece. His black, curly hair hanged over his acne-spotted face, and he was incredibly tall, it seemed, as Fredrik laid down and all, but he was also skinny.

 

We're actually getting decent description of characters here. Most impressive. Full marks.

 

Slowly, and with some effort, he got up, feeling some irritation in his arm. As he got up, he got a backslap by the white-haired one.

 

"Great to see you're up, Sappy-face!" he grinned. Fredrik turned to him, remembering his behaviour slightly. "What's up, idiot? Why you staring?"

 

"F-Fenrir?" Fredrik gasped. The white-haired boy smirked.

 

Wait a minute. I, the jerk, am male!Rei, and it's actually not me but some git named Fenrir? THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER.

 

"Heh, you're not as idiotic as you look." he grinned.

 

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" Fredrik was instantly insulted,

 

When Fredrik gets called an idiot and responds like that, we can't tell he's insulted unless the narration says so.

 

and charged at the boy. He just side-stepped, and tripped him.

 

"Sheesh, you're really an idiot..." he sighed. "My real name's Quint, btw."

 

When Fredrik wakes up in an unfamiliar location, Quint slaps him, insults him, trips him, and then insults him again. The power of friendship is even weaker than I had expected.

 

"Q-Quint?" Fredrik said, getting up and brushing off his clothes. He suddenly saw they had changed. He was now dressed in a black armor with gold lines forming small "platforms" of the black armor,

 

I'm trying to interpret what this "platforms" comment means. Does it just mean the gold lines are short and horizontal?

 

and he had nothing but a red scarf, a red bandana, and black jeans on him, accompanied with a pair of black navy-boots.

 

And now the cute Swedish bishonen gets a shirtless scene. THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER. But what's the point of wearing jeans and armour at the same time? Something there is wrong; either the jeans are redundant or he's not fully armoured.

 

His hair was spiky and black as well, hanging slightly over his green eyes. "W-What the hell?"

 

That was my reaction too when I found out that the cute Swedish bishonen had his hair and such changed and was thus probably no longer a cute Swedish bishonen when he got his shirtless scene. THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER.

 

"Ok, Fred, here's the deal; We're in GOD knows where, and all you care about is your clothes?

 

Um, his hair changed too, along presumably with the rest of his body. I think having one's entire body that one has lived with all one's life changed might be more shocking than having one's location changed.

 

Am I correct?" Quint stated.

 

It may be unfair to pick on AR's grammar, but the use of the word "stated" in Foe Fics seems to have a curious trend of invariably being used to describe someone asking a question. Following almost any declarative sentence, it would be grammatically correct (though it could still sound rather awkward if the sentence it follows is meant to be at all impassioned due to its more flat connotation, but it seems like stories on YCM invariably have it only in the one exact position where it doesn't work, i.e. following a question. Why is this exact misuse so consistent?

 

Fredrik looked annoyed at this.

 

By this point, you really shouldn't need to tell us that Fredrik is annoyed by the antics of this idiot who astoundingly seems to be his best friend. Even if it were necessary, it would still make even less sense to say that he "looked" annoyed, since this story is told from Fredrik's perspective, and Fredrik feels his own emotions instead of reading them on his face.

 

"Hmph. At least I'm not Cpt. Insult." he snarled.

 

"Please, Fred. That was just jokes." Quint sighed.

 

Stop.

 

Look, I know you're doing better than YCM's usual fare already, AR. I know English isn't your first language but that you're double-proofreading the story and thus producing something written better than most of the rest of this forum, and while the result is usually good and the effort is exemplary, there's only so far that will take you.

 

I know you're trying your hardest, but you're still including lines like "That was just jokes" - and, possibly more critically, you're including other things like using "Cpt. Insult" as an insult. Since I am, of course, The Professor Young Boy, I both was a schoolboy recently and teach in school today, so I can tell you with full confidence that calling someone "Cpt. Insult" would get you laughed off the elementary school playground for being so lame, and elementary school playground insults are already pretty lame.

 

Proofreading is definitely good, but with English being your second language it just isn't enough. What you really need to do is this: find someone else whose first language IS English to act as a proofreader and editor for you to prevent this sort of problem.

 

The brown-haired one was now standing beside Fredrik, smiling.

 

"Hey, Fred. Guess who I am?" he smiled. Fredrik looked a bit at him, then smiled.

 

"Kevin, huh?" he smirked.

 

That's not Kevin. Kevin would have said something more like, "Hey, Fred. Guess who I am-desu?"

 

"Yep. Nice to see ya like this, pal." Kevin said cheerfully.

 

"Damn, those fucktards are slow-minded..." Quint muttered. The black-haired heard this.

 

Look, Quint, this is the first decent friendship scene in this story, so don't you dare-

 

"They are not slow-minded, they are just choosing to act like this because in that way, they identify themselves as friend." he stated.

 

...this guy is now my favourite character.

 

"Shut up, Brainiac..." Quint snarled. "I don't need your expertise in Idiothology 101." Nexev seemed to be somewhat disturbed by Quint's arrogance, but shrugged and went up to Fredrik and Kevin.

 

"Now, I think you know who I am?" he implied,

 

Another good example of why you need a native speaker as your proofreader/editor.

 

and Fredrik nodded.

 

"Nice to see you in person, Nexev." he said. Nexev smirked slighty, nodding to show Fredrik his respect.

 

The introduction of these characters has certainly introduced them decently, though we still don't know much about them beyond single one-dimensional features (which is still head and shoulders above most Foe Fics), but it also feels very formulaic.

 

The three characters are described in order. Then we have a scene where we meet Quint; then we have a scene where we meet Kevin-kun; then we have a scene where we meet Nexev, all introduced in the same order they were originally described. And until a character's introduction scene, that character doesn't say or do anything at all. While Quint is being introduced, the other two - who are supposed to be nicer and more approving of Fredrik, and who one would expect to intervene during Quint's antics. It works, but it feels very stiff, as if these aren't characters we're watching but actors going through the motions.

 

"Ah, I see we're all here..." a voice boomed, and all turned to the source of the voice. A person, shrouded in darkness,

 

Get your glasses out, everyone, because it's another shadowy figure, and that means it's drinking time.

 

stood in front of them. Everyone were sorta shocked, but Quint looked just normal.

 

"Who are you then?" Nexev asked.

 

Seems like a sensible question.

 

"Me?" the figure chuckled in a way that made Fredrik's blood freeze to ice, but Quint just shuddered slightly. "I am nothing...but pure darkness.

 

Yup, quite a shadowy figure.

 

I am a kid that could have been saved...but I was forced into the agony and loneliness of a paper box

 

See, I told you friendship was important. This is what happens to you when you're lonely.

 

...all alone...all pain...

 

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

 

and now, I want to unleash the same pain on all those that didn't save me.

 

Wait, you mean the shadowy figure made of pure darkness might not be here to hand out cookies!?

 

But there is an obstacle in my plans, and that is a union called The Union of Justice; A group of pestering little runts and a Kitsune of some sort that fights for what they call 'Good'. But I ask you, what is there for 'good' in this world? Was it the 'good' that put me in that box? Was it the 'good' that ignored me and totally shunned me from reality, making my mind a twisted place for the dead and unborn? No. If that is the good, then I say, we will eliminate what's good..."

 

Protip: If you want to get sympathy, don't say, "They may be good, but good is evil!" - just say, "They're evil!"

 

somehow, the melancholy of the voice and the shaded shape of a heart tipped Fredrik off on who it was, and he took a deep breath before asking;

 

"B-Broken?"

 

Everyone looked at Fredrik, then back at the shaded figure. He merely chuckled.

 

"Yes, Kuja...I am Broken. How clever of you to find it out.

 

Kuja? Broken? Did I miss something important by kinda sorta skipping the entire first book, or are we supposed to be confused? Did Fredrik previously have some form of controlled amnesia that he just managed to shake off without having such an event indicated in the narrative that is being told from Fredrik's perspective? If so, I am very disappointed.

 

Didn't I tell you that you have to search for answers yourself? Well, now you did just that, and I am proud.

 

You said nothing of the sort, and he didn't search for anything; he just pulled your identity out of nowhere. Skipping Book 1 was probably not the best of ideas here.

 

However...we still need some soldiers for our ranks...so I will give you the opportunity to recruit whatever you want from these..." he snapped his fingers, and two portals opened. Quint and Fredrik smirked. They both knew which creatures they would bring out;

 

Wait, our protagonists are on Evil Shadow Guy's side?

 

"Nnoitra! Zommari! Edorad! Avirama! Gantenbainne! Cirucci! Findor!" shouted Fredrik, and seven strangely attired and dressed human-looking creatures appeared from his portal.

 

"Heh, n00b." Quint smirked. "Grimmjow! Lilynette! Yylford! Coyote! Ggio! Panini! Ulquiorra!" he shouted, and seven others appeared. One of them, having a weird moustache and a gentleman-ish look, had a vein almost popping in his forehead.

 

I recognize a couple of these guys from TVTropes as being Bleach characters, but I also know TVTropes well enough that you either chose only the most obscure fourteen characters from Bleach in existence or are pulling characters from different series, so that cements this as being some sort of crossover - but I really don't know anything about these fourteen.

 

Anyhow, I'm going to end the review here, since we're getting to the point where skipping both Book 1 and Chapter Plot has left me with no idea what's going on, and since Book 1 is a reasonable prerequisite for Book 2, it's not the author's fault that I am unable to follow the story, which means that my confusion isn't even decent material for reviewing.

 

What I saw was neither particularly impressive nor particularly unimpressive. On one hand, the writing was above-average for YCM despite the language problem, the three side characters were given decent description, and the plot is quite possibly pretty good, despite this being a crossover, though I wasn't able to follow it for long enough to confirm that.

 

On the other hand, the protagonist was rather too much of a YCM-loser avatar for my taste, the strange world saw astoundingly little description (especially in the light of Quint's comment that it should be what amazes Fredrik the most), the introduction of the three friends felt horribly formulaic, and "Guy gets sucked into strange world and meets shadowy evil guy" is about as generic a premise as you can get, though the fact that our hero seems to be working for them or something is interesting, I guess. Having him Summon a bunch of guys from different series is an awfully clunky way to create the crossover, and Broken's story, depending on how it's developed, could end up being just plain stupid.

 

Overall, this is neither the best story ever nor the worst story ever. It's not too bad, at least from the section I was able to read, but there are enough sufficiently-annoying problems that I also can't call it astonishingly good either. Maybe the plot eventually makes up for it, but the plot that I saw was fairly rudimentary - "Let's raise an army to defeat my enemies for revenge!" - and being a crossover gives this a lot of prerequisites beyond a simple "read the first book".

 

I really cannot emphasize enough how useful it would be for you to get help from a native speaker of English to make sure that you don't end up including gaffs that are understandable when translating to a foreign language but that look pathetic when actually read by a native speaker of said language. And then there's things like the "Cpt. Insult" line, where even a strong understanding of English won't help you realize that it just plain doesn't sound good. This would help improve the quality of your writing and-

 

Mmphh! Mm....... mmphh................................................. mm.........................................................

 

Izzy!

 

Izz- Mmphh! Mm....... mmphh................................................. mm.........................................................

 

What th-

 

*stab*

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes!

 

You... Izzy........ Crab... wake... up.... why...??? ... I... don't........ I............... am........................ too.............. you.................. ........ ng......... t......... o......... d......... i....... e...............................................................

 

Splendid, splendid! You can come in now, my minion! The unrealistically fast-acting chloroform knocked this Crab and Izzy out easily, and The Professor Young Boy doesn't seem to be able to survive knives in the stomach. My invisibility may be wearing off now - curse my inconsistent abilities! - but that's fine, since I have already won.

 

Come, my minion, and tie up these two sleepers! Foe Fiction is mine!

 

 

 

Only two more to go, and this season is finished. And of course it figures that I would hit a story that's actually fairly decent right after two weak reviews. >_< Although, in retrospect, I was nicer than I should have been, since I took my lack of knowledge of the plot as indication that the plot might be good rather than as indication that the plot probably isn't good.

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Posted

All fourteen of those people they summoned are Bleach villains' date=' ranging from obscure to prominent.

[/quote']

 

Really? With TVTropes knowledge, I'd have thought I'd have heard of more of them, even without reading Bleach, but the only ones whose names looked familiar were the Grim guy and the crazy name that started with U.

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

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Posted

As mean as you are, I cringe at asking this...(lol)

Is there any way you can help me with my ff? I'd like to think that the prologue was just a big mistake, and really should have proof read it way more. Otherwise, it seems like it wasn't bad...

It would be nice to get some ideas/help from somebody that is actually "amazing", lol

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Lord Smeagle Newbie

Lord Smeagle

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All fourteen of those people they summoned are Bleach villains' date=' ranging from obscure to prominent.

[/quote']

 

Really? With TVTropes knowledge, I'd have thought I'd have heard of more of them, even without reading Bleach, but the only ones whose names looked familiar were the Grim guy and the crazy name that started with U.

 

I'm no expert on Bleach but I'm pretty sure they're all Arrancar. Out of the Arrancar, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra get the most attention, so that's probably why you haven't heard of the rest. *shrug*

 

Last review was brilliant, BTW.

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Never heard of Nnoitra. Apparently my Trope Fu has failed me. >_> Also, I'm seriously not satisfied with 4 And 20 Blackbirds, since my final opinion really should have been less positive than it actually was, but whatever. I GUESS I'M JUST NICE

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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Bleach introduces countless characters, but for villains it's mostly to just fill up gaps in the army and have a lot fights. If you thought Naruto has a generic shonen characters, then Bleach is far worse. That's why only half of the characters AR brought in for absolutely no reason other than to further smash in more characters for the huge crossover it actually is as Chapter 1 proves the fight are actually worth remembering.

 

They're just mooks for a guy that puts Light, Lelouch, and Akiyama to shame.

 

4 And 20 Blackbirds is indeed much worse when AR expects us to know fourteen characters from Bleach, and the description for all them is just "They all look like humans and had strange looking attire (AKA white uniforms). Oh, and one of them has a mustache." This is a remarkably lazy attempt to throw in characters for the sake of throwing in characters for a crossover, and just by skimming it I can tell AR continues the pattern of "One characters does this while the other thirteen twelve just look embarrassed."

 

Although he succeeds in delivering bishonens.

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Bleach introduces countless characters' date=' but for villains it's mostly to just fill up gaps in the army and have a lot fights. If you thought Naruto has a generic shonen characters, then Bleach is far worse. That's why only half of the characters AR brought in for [s']absolutely no reason other than to further smash in more characters for the huge crossover it actually is as Chapter 1 proves[/s] the fight are actually worth remembering.

 

It's probably not fair for me to complain about me not recognizing the Bleach characters when I haven't even read Bleach, and if they're all from the same organization I suppose it might make sense that those were the ones chosen instead of fourteen characters that actually matter, but still, this is a fanfic, not a television show, so adding lots of filler mooks not only is as unnecessary as ever but also doesn't even make it look cooler.

 

They're just mooks for a guy that puts Light' date=' Lelouch, and Akiyama to shame.

[/quote']

 

Is he really that smart? I've heard what his ability is, and the fact that he has that power and hasn't already won doesn't make him sound terribly intelligent.

 

4 And 20 Blackbirds is indeed much worse when AR expects us to know fourteen characters from Bleach' date=' and the description for all them is just "They all look like humans and had strange looking attire (AKA white uniforms). Oh, and one of them has a mustache." This is a remarkably lazy attempt to throw in characters for the sake of throwing in characters for a crossover, and just by skimming it I can tell AR continues the pattern of "One characters does this while the other [i']thirteen[/i] twelve just look embarrassed."

 

Eh, I'll be generous and give him credit for describing the three side OC's in about two sentences each more detail than most other Foe Fics, even if he then doesn't describe the canon characters that he expects the reader to already know. But then I'll take that credit away for introducing all those canon characters in the first place.

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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They're just mooks for a guy that puts Light' date=' Lelouch, and Akiyama to shame.

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Is he really that smart? I've heard what his ability is, and the fact that he has that power and hasn't already won doesn't make him sound terribly intelligent.

 

The thing is, he has the knowledge capability to surpass them, but he just spends his time gloating about how godly he is. It's like one of those things where an author has to give a description that's intended to be epic but just comes off as ridiculous. Now imagine doing that, but applying it to your view of reality all the time. The only reason he hasn't won yet is because the author loves to have fights and draws out the plot to absurd lengths, so he's had to deal with one character after another whilst copying Father's Bishonen Line of human -> monster -> TOTALLY FABULOUS. He was pretty much as corned as Light was in the end, although imagine if Light succeeded in killing everyone that was in the room other than Mikami, and was completely unscathed. This guy did that thirty-five minutes ago.

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