Jump to content

Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 735
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Vector Nightmare Newbie

Vector Nightmare

Posted
Posted

Just a random note, but his name isn't - necessarily - a string of random Greek letters. It is actually the letters "e", "d", "l", "i", "r", "s", and "e" in their small and capital forms, which I am guessing is a bad attempt to spell the English word "eclipse" using Greek characters (incidentally the actual Greek word for it would be "έκλειψη"). Just a piece of random trivia from your friendly next door Ixigo. Unless of course he actually did just put random letters together, in which case it's just a bad coincidence that he almost spelled out a word.

 

I liked this chapter, and I sort of liked the story under scrutiny as well. I believe that stepping up and reviewing a better story than usual was a good call. I do think Inconsistent Balatro would make a good side character.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Supreme Gamesmaster Newbie

Supreme Gamesmaster

Posted
Posted

Huh. You can riff on a good story.

 

(I need to start doing that again.)

 

The subject was leagues above and beyond the usual, and it was still epic.

Being on Foe Fics might mean your story sucks' date=' but at least someone devoted quite a bit of time giving you advice on what you could change to make it a good story. I don't look at it as you want me to go die, rather you think the people you review could do better.

[/quote']You are a good person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Here's a quick one for your displeasure.

 

[spoiler=Start The Clock, Mr. Gaeta - {Yu-Gi-Oh! T9}]Our next subject isn't nearly as good: Yu-Gi-Oh! T9 by ► Jolta ◄.

 

The T9 title reminds me of the Death-T arc, but I doubt this story will be that awesome.

 

Prologue

 

My name is Eria the Water Charmer, friend of a novice duelist, 13-year old Jolta Goh.

 

It's a blatant self-insert story.

 

Oh dear.

 

This is by the same author as Ann 10, from which I claimed only half-seriously that Anten was a Mary Sue. But if the protagonist here is going to really be a self-insert, then I'll probably be making far more serious claims of Suedom.

 

I, together with my other friend, Yata-Garasu, we are his Duel Spirit partners. We are the ones who assist him when in need.

 

Jolta gets two Duel Spirit partners, one of which is among the most overpowered monsters ever printed.

 

But let's give Jolta the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he isn't really a Mary Sue until we see more eviden-

 

He deserves it for he has a rather kind soul, and a rather soft heart.

 

Congratulations, you wrote a story and had one of your characters say you were a really nice guy. I suppose you might need to turn to that as a substitute for actual friendship with other human beings.

 

Apparently, this tale takes place 10 years after the fall of the cruel, fiendish, Earthbound Immortals.

 

"Apparently"? If Eria is supposed to be an in-universe character, there's no "apparently" about it. Can you imagine a war story told in first person that begins with the phrase "apparently this tale takes place during the second world war"?

 

Here we have a blue-haired blue-eyed boy, Jolta. He is quite a hunk.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

Jolta has created an explicit insertion of himself, given himself fantastic attributes like blue hair, and then granted himself two duel spirits to talk about everything about him from his personality to his body are absolutely amazing. It's like Jolta found out what a Mary Sue was and thought, "Hey! That sounds fun to write! I think I'll go give that a try!"

 

So, he knocks on a door while Yata-Garasu and I watch.

 

We must watch his door-knocking carefully to pick up on all the intricate details of Jolta's immaculate motion.

 

The door knob started moving. The door had started moving! This was great!

 

EPIC DOOR-OPENING

 

Out from the door came out a middle-aged blonde-haired woman that Jolta calls Madam Rhodes.

 

Madam Rhodes, or should I say, Alexis Rhodes,

 

To my knowledge, how far in the future 5D's is set is disputed, to say the least, so setting it near enough that the GX characters are still alive is not an uncontroversial move. However, this is fanfic, so taking a stance on unclear aspects of canon is acceptable.

 

was a former Obelisk Blue Student from Duel Academy. There she met her husband, a brown-haired childish person named Jaden Yuki. Now, Jaden is still the childish person he was many years ago. He graduated as a Silfer Red, I’m not sure why.

 

Imagine you encounter a fifty-year-old person. Would you think of them as a "former honours student from Wherevertheywent High"? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure most people who aren't complete lunatics wouldn't.

 

Also, how is Jaden still a childish person? He stops being childish from the second half of GX Season 3 onwards, which was his most important (read: only) piece of character development and absolutely critical to GX's deconstruction elements that were its only redeeming qualities (and which came at the heavy price of viewers being forced to endure a Carefree Idiot Boring Invincible Hero for two and a half seasons before CIBIH could be deconstructed). The only interesting aspect of Jaden has been ignored.

 

“So Jolta, you want to bring Yuki out again? Its good that she has such a reliable friend!

 

Yes, we now have more characters complimenting Jolta for basically no reason, but look at that last line from this perspective:

 

I cannot imagine anyone saying this.

 

I cannot imagine anyone who has ever had friends imagining anyone saying this.

 

Jolta imagined someone saying this.

 

Make of that what you will.

 

YUKI! JOLTA’S HERE AGAIN!” Madam Rhode’s voice was as loud as a thunder during an Earthquake.

 

Would an earthquake actually make thunder louder? Your metaphor sucks and you should be ashamed.

 

Plus, isn't this supposedly told in first person by Eria the Water Charmer? I might forgive it if she were to make a nonsensical metaphor if that metaphor were related to water, but thunder and earthquakes are not, and seem like much less obvious topics for her to be referencing.

 

A girl, the same age as Jolta, walked up. Her name was Yuki Yuki. Yes, very stupid name, whatever you say.

 

There's nothing stupid about repeated names. We all know that the best name ever is Major Major Major Major. Coincidentally, Major Major Major Major becomes a recluse who avoids direct human contact. This story makes me think Jolta is the same.

 

Yuki Yuki had brown eyes like her father,

 

Jaden's eyes appear to have reverted since their recolouration in GX Season 4.

 

Or, more likely, Jolta decided to write a fanfic without full actual knowledge of the source material.

 

and blonde hair like her mother’s, except they were twintails. She wasn’t a rather outgoing person, so every week, Jolta takes her out for walks. Sometimes they would duel.

 

I seriously can't help but imagine that Jolta in real life is the sort of person who wouldn't leave the house without someone coming over and dragging him out. That fits so perfectly with him writing such a blatant Mary Sue and explains how he came up with Yuki Yuki's personality. This is especially likely in that Jolta goes out of his way to describe Yuki2 as "[not] a rather outgoing person" to paint this sort of thing in a better light; I'm fairly sure most people would see her as being more like a hikikomori-lite or something and see never leaving the house without being dragged out far less positively.

 

So, Jolta and Yuki started walking to the park, and yes, there are parks in an era with Card Games on Motorbikes.

 

Fourth wall: shattered.

 

Narrator saying things that make sense from her in-universe perspective: averted.

 

Crab Helmet: in pain.

 

“So you like duels Yuki? Why not we have one?” asked Jolta.

 

Before posting this, Jolta briefly thought to himself, "Why not we have a proofread?" Then he got lazy and just hit "Post Topic".

 

Yuki nodded. Most of the time she was silent, but she was louder than her mother during duels.

 

TEH END

 

No, seriously, that's it. This was short. Which is good for me in two ways: it lets me write this review quickly because I'm low on time, and it means that my experience of it is mercifully short.

 

Jolta, this is about as blatant as Mary Sues can get. Your protagonist is an explicit author-insertion described in every aspect in glowing terms, to the point where virtually no characters exist for any reason other than to offer him praise. Not everything they're praising him for even makes sense; I'm pretty sure the parents of the friends that I see once a week don't praise me each time I come over for being TEH BEST FRIEND EVAR. And that's not even getting into the issue of Yuki2, who is basically another clone of Rei Ayanami and will probably end up being in love with Jolta.

 

This undiluted Suetifulness is blatant self-fanservice and you should be ashamed of yourself for writing it.

 

 

 

This is one of the best titles I'm going to be able to come up with for Season 2's awkwardly high numbers. >_>

 

I still don't get who Tonegawa is.

 

You really need to watch Kaiji. It's sort of like Liar Game.

 

Why is it that we have at least three stories with a character named Alex?

 

It's a fairly common name. The first two were just notable because their Alexes appeared in very similar manners.

 

Nice Monty-Python reference.

You should have also referenced a Holy Hand Grenade.

:3

 

I was actually questioning whether it would be worth even throwing in the "Five is right out" thing' date=' given how stupidly overquoted the Holy Grail movie is. One of the early Foe Fictions (#6 or #8, I think) starts with a longer, better reference to the Flying Circus.

 

Not really.

 

Being on Foe Fics might mean your story sucks, but at least someone devoted quite a bit of time giving you advice on what you could change to make it a good story. I don't look at it as you want me to go die, rather you think the people you review could do better.

 

It depends. In your case, your story was one of the best I've written a commentary for (remember that I choose what stories to comment on blindly without regard for quality; I maintain a negative tone because YCM always sucks), but in a lot of Foe Fiction commentaries I explicitly tell the author not to write the fanfic because they're too terrible to do it, and when I do, I seriously mean it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dr. Cakey Newbie

Dr. Cakey

Posted
Posted

I think this was the first story on the nether side of the Outer Review Event Horizon. That is, unless I'm wrong (and I'd say there's a 50/50 chance that I am) this was a story written specifically to be trashed on Foe Fiction. (The Inner Review Event Horizon is, of course, reviewing reviews)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Toffee. Newbie

Toffee.

Posted
Posted

Also' date=' how is Jaden still a childish person? He stops being childish from the second half of GX Season 3 onwards, which was his most important (read: only) piece of character development and absolutely critical to GX's deconstruction elements that were its only redeeming qualities (and which came at the heavy price of viewers being forced to endure a Carefree Idiot Boring Invincible Hero for two and a half seasons before CIBIH could be deconstructed). The only interesting aspect of Jaden has been ignored.[/quote']

My guess is that Jolta never watched Season 4 of GX, which was probobly the best part of it.

As all the character development all fits together at the end, and we see how everyone ends up when DA finally ends.

 

And can I add to your part Crab?

Why is Jaden with Alexis? They only "hinted" at that like a whole 5 times.

And even then, GX ends with Jaden out in the middle of whoknowshwere, because he was going out on some kind of "adventure".

Link to comment
Share on other sites
CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I think this was the first story on the nether side of the Outer Review Event Horizon. That is' date=' unless I'm wrong (and I'd say there's a 50/50 chance that I am) this was a story written specifically to be trashed on Foe Fiction. (The Inner Review Event Horizon is, of course, reviewing reviews)

[/quote']

 

I didn't really get that impression; Jolta has previously proven himself to be completely clueless with regards to writing, in terms both of his own work (Ann 10 was awful and was also Suetiful) and his evaluation of others' (he likes -Pichu-'s reviews, which to my knowledge now ignore the source material entirely to have slapstick comedy). Also, he invited -Pichu- to review T9, and since -Pichu-'s reviews don't care about story quality (since they don't care about the whole "reviewing" thing), writing a bad story for -Pichu- to review is entirely pointless.

 

My guess is that Jolta never watched Season 4 of GX' date=' which was probobly the best part of it.

[/quote']

 

Perhaps, but even then there's still the second half of Season 3, with Jaden turning serious, then evil, then serious again.

 

As all the character development all fits together at the end' date=' and we see how everyone ends up when DA finally ends.

[/quote']

 

Not Misawa. ;_;

 

Also, their endings were pretty straightforward. They went off to become professional duellists, just like everyone else who graduates from Duel Academy.

 

And can I add to your part Crab?

Why is Jaden with Alexis? They only "hinted" at that like a whole 5 times.

And even then' date=' GX ends with Jaden out in the middle of whoknowshwere, because he was going out on some kind of "adventure".

[/quote']

 

I'm actually fine with that. JudAs is at least canon from Alexis's side, if not from Jaden's, and there's been a huge time skip; I have no problem accepting that the two have gotten together since GX ended.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Toffee. Newbie

Toffee.

Posted
Posted

My guess is that Jolta never watched Season 4 of GX' date=' which was probobly the best part of it.

[/quote']

 

Perhaps, but even then there's still the second half of Season 3, with Jaden turning serious, then evil, then serious again.

Because all of it adds to Jaden eventually becoming "mature"

 

As all the character development all fits together at the end' date=' and we see how everyone ends up when DA finally ends.

[/quote']

 

Not Misawa. ;_; Sadly :/

 

Also, their endings were pretty straightforward. They went off to become professional duellists, just like everyone else who graduates from Duel Academy. Because its pro.

And because in an anime like that, everyone wants to be the same thing. Though, how did they get Doctors and what-not? O,o

 

And can I add to your part Crab?

Why is Jaden with Alexis? They only "hinted" at that like a whole 5 times.

And even then' date=' GX ends with Jaden out in the middle of whoknowshwere, because he was going out on some kind of "adventure".

[/quote']

 

I'm actually fine with that. JudAs is at least canon from Alexis's side, if not from Jaden's, and there's been a huge time skip; I have no problem accepting that the two have gotten together since GX ended. Yea, it is possible that Jaden and Alexis ended up together. Since they only "hinted" at it in like the 1st season, but then really added to it near the end. So yea, its possible.

 

Post-type thing

Link to comment
Share on other sites
CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Don't let the title fool you. Nothing is miraculous about this.

 

[spoiler=Miracle On 34th Street - {The Time and Place}]Let's see if we can find something less Mary Suetastic in The Time and Place, a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic by Cthonian.

 

SPOILER ALERT: We can't.

 

Author's notes are always fun, so let's check those out.

 

Here's my FanFic of looking at things from a different point of view. Although the world does need saving, it's not from who our heroes think it is.

 

Plot twists are generally more effective when you don't announce them in advance like that. >_>

 

Next up is a Chapter Bios, which I would normally skip, but in this case I'll reproduce it in full:

 

Name-Age-Favorite Card

Brian-16-Coffin Seller

Kevin-16-Lava Golem

Dylan-10-Goblin King

Chadd-14- Elemental Hero Shining Phoenix Enforcer

Janet-40-Blue Eyes White Dragon

Frank-50-Cyber End Dragon

Levi-9-Black Luster Soldier

Brittany-14-Harpie's Pet Dragon

 

No, seriously. Not only is there a Chapter Bios, but the bios consist of nothing more than name first name, age, and favourite card. And half the favourite cards are recycled from deck headliners in the anime.

 

On one hand, I'm glad you're not going the usual Chapter Bios method of handing us an encyclopedia on each character that we're supposed to read before starting the story, but on the other hand, this is so absurdly bare-bones that there is no need whatsoever for it to even exist. Especially since all the information in it would be obvious when it became relevant in the story, and it's all completely forgettable when presented in this format.

 

Chapter1

 

We haven't even started the first chapter yet and there's already a critical proofreading failure. This isn't Chapter 1; it's Chapter1. The space has been omitted. Come on, people, why on earth do you insist on posting these things for the entire world to see without taking any time at all to read what you wrote and ensure that you didn't make yourself look like a colossal moron? (And no, it's not a deliberate stylistic choice; the other chapters' titles have the space where it's supposed to be.)

 

After Jaden Yuki graduated from Duel Academy, that's all me and my friends wanted to attend.

 

I've found a plot hole. The protagonists are all Jaden fanboys, but Chapter Bios never mentioned any seven-year-olds.

 

The school became known because of the duelist that wins with Elemental Heroes.

 

But he was invincible before he came to Duel Academy. And he learned nothing there. And he didn't even pay attention in class there. He just sat around and dueled to save the world a bit. Why should Duel Academy get all the credit?

 

His deck had such simplicity in his deck

 

This lack of proofreading has such simplicity in this lack of proofreading.

 

Seriously, people, this isn't that complicated. You know that thing you expect people to do to your story once you post it? That thing called "reading"? Well, why is it so difficult for you people to do it to your own stories before posting them? Do even you think your stories are so boring and terrible that even you yourselves wouldn't want to read them?

 

that it worked perfectly... I'm Brian by the way.

 

And the first paragraph ends there. Does this introduction of Brian's name look awkward to anyone else? It's an abrupt change of topic that comes out of nowhere, breaks the flow, and feels like it was shoehorned in because the author was incapable of coming up with a better way to introduce the protagonist.

 

Anyhow, since I read Chapter Bios and remember all of it perfectly, I know that Brian is 16 and his favourite card is Coffin Seller. Except I remembered none of it and just scrolled back up to look it up because nobody is going to bother memorizing a list of names, numbers, and cards thrown together without the slightest bit of context.

 

Incase

 

Incaseoffiredeletespaces

 

you were wondering, I'm telling the story from the entrance exams of Duel Academy 2010. Me and my friends, we've known each other since we were in diapers.

 

Was there originally a paragraph between these two sentences that made the transfer from one thought to the other seem even remotely sensible? I get the feeling that our protagonist Brian has ADD/ADHD/whatever and gets distracted by new and unrelated topics after each sentence he writes, resulting in this absurdly choppy writing.

 

We all have connections with each others and bonds that can never be broken.

 

Brian: "Our bonds are so strong that I'm not even going to tell you anything about my friends, but trust me, we have bonds. Maybe I'll mention one of my friends later if I think of it, but OOH SHINY CARD GAMES"

 

As time progressed, we all started playing a game called duel monsters. At such young ages, we progressed until we all hit pro.

 

Young teenagers don't normally become pro in the Yugiverse, but apparently our heroes are the most specialest special duelists who blah blah blah the author gave the protagonists unrealistically high skill levels.

 

Kevin and I are like brothers and we were the best tag team duo the world had ever seen.

 

Brian: "See, I mentioned one single friend of mine, and I said he was a really close friend and partner! Can't you taste the deep friendly friendship that surrounds my entire circle of lifelong friends and has lead to us all becoming so close in so many offscreen ways?"

 

Look, if you want to talk about friendship, you actually have to show some friendship. You can't just have the first-person narrator assure us that he has lots of the best friends ever and then say nothing more on the subject. And no, naming one of the protagonist's friends and assuring us that they're great friends (and also they play card games together) doesn't count.

 

That was, until the day came that put an end to that.

 

I can only assume that Kevin found out that Brian wrote this and dissolved all ties with him immediately.

 

Kevin and I were destroying another pair of duelists when we both collapsed. And for some strange reason, the best doctors in the world couldn't figure out what was wrong with us and discharged us perfectly healthy.

 

I don't remember it too quickly because I stopped watching fairly quickly, but isn't this exactly what happened in 5D's to Rua and Ruka? And in GX when they had those energy-draining wristbands? And in GX again in the flashbacks when Yubel was with young!Judai? And in the original Duel Monsters series after all the Shadow Games? People mysteriously fainting during duels isn't exactly an original plotline, you know.

 

And every one of our friends have gone through that same state of mystery. After that loss, the 6 of us

 

Brian claims to have five friends with whom he is incredibly close. He refuses to tell us anything at all about them beyond Kevin's name. It's like this story is going out of its way to avoid telling itself.

 

dropped off the face of the earth... never leaving the house for anything.

 

It's obviously that diabolical NHK with its devious plots to make everyone become a hikikomori!

 

We all have dangerously high Iq's

 

We all have dangerously high whats? What is an "Iq"? Is it a typo for "Is"? You won't get far not saying "Is". Is it-

 

Oh, no.

 

You did not just screw up "IQ", did you?

 

You know, IQ, which is two letters long, and which was here screwed up in a way that would be painfully obvious to anyone who, unlike its author, actually read this? You know, IQ, which, when "dangerously high", is supposed to denote absurdly high intelligence, and which the author is conferring upon the entire protagonist cast - that sound you just heard was your head hitting your desk - and which the author has not displayed to himself possess in this epic failure?

 

and we all run a family corporation with our parents. The ones with legal say are Frank and Janet, the ones we would trust our lives with.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

I'm going to need to recap for a moment so that I can properly explain just how nonsensical this whole mess is.

 

We begin with what the narrator insists are a ring of six lifelong friends, though we never see any of their friendship and are denied even the names of two-thirds of the ring. The six all have dangerously high IQ's, which means they're not only smart but also so unspeakably smart as to be dangerous somehow to someone in some unspecified manner. The six also are dueling prodigies who all became professional duelists at an extremely unusually young age. They also all knew each other when they were still in diapers, so they didn't congregate over common interests and abilities - these childhood friends all just happened to have exactly the same set of skills that would lead to cries of "Mary Sue" when granted to even a single lone protagonist, let alone six.

 

In other words, these six have literally no characteristics whatsoever beyond being made ridiculously overpowered by the author. That's more than mere "not good writing"; that's about as bad as writing can normally get. My only wish is that these six will realize that the universe cannot contain this many stupidly broken characters, so they'll decide that there can be only one and slay each other. And then the last one standing will die of a stupidity overdose from watching Highlander 2: The Quickening.

 

But here, the stupidity goes beyond being an absurd team of Sues and descends into flat-out nonsense.

 

Remember that these six are explicitly stated to be childhood friends - NOT brothers. Despite this, all six of them are in a single family corporation with "our parents". What. Is this supposed to be all six families working together in a single corporation? Here's a pro-tip: a family corporation is run by a family, not by a whole bunch of people from a bunch of different families. That's just a regular corporation. This shouldn't be that difficult to figure out; it's right there in the name: family corporation.

 

Now it gets even worse. Apparently, only two of the parents involved in this family corporation have any legal power. They're also the ones that Brian says "we" would trust "our" lives with. Apparently, all six of these alleged-friends would trust Frank and Janet - with whom Brian, despite being a teenager and a generation younger and a friend of their children, is apparently on a first-name basis - with their lives rather than their own parents. What. And why on earth do only two of the partners have any power at all, besides the meta reason of the author wanting to single them out?

 

Oh, and finally, the story continues its pattern of refusing to even tell itself by not giving any information about what sort of corporation it is, besides the lie that it's a "family" corporation. Wait a minute - if it's not really a traditional family corporation and what the corporation does isn't stated elsewhere, maybe the word "family" isn't being used to refer to a standard family corporation. Maybe it refers to a corporation that sells families on the black market! Frank and Janet are the bosses of this mafia!

 

The sad thing is that my mad theory makes more sense than this idiotic story does.

 

Speeding up to the present, we took an oath to study under the greatest minds of Duel Academy hoping to reach for the stars obtaining number one status and gain access to the pro league to regain our titles that we lost because of our accidents.

 

These professional leagues don't have any way of responding to players being too sick to play than to completely eliminate them from the league and strip them of all their titles. Meanwhile, the super-genius protagonists decide that the only way to return to where they were before they were forced out of one measly duel is to gain access to a school whose teachers aren't as smart as they are and to study there for three years. The family corporation thing almost seems logical by comparison.

 

But one week before the dueling exams, we got a letter saying that if we enrolled that there would be hell to pay. And being that we run a multi-million dollar company, we get threats like this all the time and disregarded it.

 

That's right. This "family corporation" is so huge in its unspecified business that it regularly attracts anonymous death threats. It seems clear to me that Frank and Janet being mafia bosses is the only reasonable explanation. Except, no, even that's stupid.

 

Can you go for one measly sentence without making me want to lobotomize myself?

 

To keep an eye on us, Frank and Janet enrolled as assistant teachers.

 

Apparently not. Now we have the mafia dons only members of the Unspecified-Business Family Megacorp with any actual legal power abandoning their duties as Chief Executive Don and Senior Vice Thug to become assistant teachers, presumably acquiring said positions by threatening to put a hit out on the Duel Academy staff otherwise. And they do this to "keep an eye on" super-geniuses who have already become professionals in their field of expertise. And it's not even clear what they're supposed to be doing while keeping an eye on them. If the six faint again, what are Frank and Janet going to do? If an assassin shows up with a sniper rifle to kill Brian and end this story - no doubt the assassin was hired by me - as the threatening note vaguely warned might happen, then what are Frank and Janet going to do, grade papers?

 

That brings us to now, and the six of us sat

 

This is now! The present! Right this moment! Happening as Brian speaks! And it's, uh, told in the past tense.

 

Let me put it this way, Cthonian - you do not have a dangerously high Iq.

 

waiting for our turn to duel a proctor... for our shot. And that's when the voice said "Would Levi please report to duel field 2 for your duel examination". The gloves are off and the fun's about to commence.

 

The suspense is killing me. Will the professional genius duelist prodigy be able to pass a high school dueling entrance examination? Well, yes, of course he will. After you've set these six up as the most overpowered duelists in history, you can't then turn around and act like it's a huge challenge when they face the standard entrance exam.

 

Chapter 1 Chapter1 is over, but I suppose I'll go on to Chapter 2.

 

Chapter 2

Levi's protor

 

Nope, that's it. I'm done. If you're so terrible at writing and proofreading that the very second word of this chapter is going to be a blatant spelling error that would have been caught if you'd taken five seconds to run this story through MSWord's spellchecker, then you don't even deserve to have me insult your lousy story any further. And that's pathetic.

 

You've managed to combine the most blatant generic Mary Sues you possibly could with an absurd plot in which every sentence is riddled with another two plot holes that act as jackhammers to my skull. This is painful to read for anyone with half a brain; only those with dangerously low Iq's can safely read it without suffering mental anguish.

 

 

 

My brain hurts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...